Hello From The Magic Tavern

Arnie Niekamp fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the fantastical land of Foon. He's still getting a slight wifi signal, so he uploads a weekly podcast from the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur where he interviews wizards, monsters and adventurers. It's a major discovery!

Season 4, Ep 50 - Chunt for Red October 7 (live from Brooklyn w/ Jo Firestone and Tim Sniffen)

October 30, 2022

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Description

A haunted house and the winner of the Lil' Miss Demon pageant stop by the Chunt for Red October blood drive for vampires. (Recorded live at the Bell House in Brooklyn.)

Credits

Arnie: Arnie Niekamp

Usidore: Matt Young

Chunt: Adal Rifai

Little Miss Demon: Jo Firestone

The Haunted House: Tim Sniffen

Mysterious Man: Tim Sniffen

Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal Rifai

Post-Production Coordination: Garrett Schultz

Editor: Sage G.C.

Magic Tavern Logo: Allard Laban

Theme Music: Andy Poland

Click HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at Thalia Hall (Chicago, IL) on December 17th.

You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Transcript

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People of Earth.

More specifically, people of Brooklyn.

A, apologies for not being able to afford the village.

B, welcome to the following live performance of this podcast that is not real.

It is all in your mind, even the people in the audience that knew all the words to Allstar.

But now, welcome to Hello for the Magic Tavern Live from Brooklyn's Bell House, our first live show in two years.

Now, sit your asses back and enjoy the show.

Hello for the Magic Tavern.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of food.

I'm your host, Arnie Neekamp.

Let me just say, if you've never listened to the podcast before, it's not like if you had listened to the podcast before, it would somehow all make sense.

But just in case, this is, and I'm honestly, this is sincerely everything you need to know.

Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of food.

Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift.

Just, it works.

Don't.

And I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, where we all are now, in the town of Nibble Bottom, at the base of the unnameable mountain.

Don't say, don't say the name.

That's where a lot of people that are like, I'm still on season two, are like, in the magical land of food.

So it's a busy night at the tavern.

A lot of people here.

It makes me feel extra special to be sitting at the tall table.

It's also a sort of a fundraiser night here at the tavern.

It's our yearly Chunt for Red October.

And to help tell you all about it, it's my good bud, Chunza Talking Badger.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Chun, please.

Bing-bong.

And of course for Arnie, get wet.

And wet to you as well.

I would have preferred and also wet you, but...

Also wet you.

Arnie, do you ever just walk around doing your thing and suddenly it feels like you haven't washed your fur in two and a half years?

Yeah.

You ever have that?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That is also sincerely what it looks like.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Chun, it's such a special night.

I know.

Is it?

It is.

Well, I was going to say yearly, but there have been a couple of years where we forgot.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

It's Chunt for Red October.

That's right.

Yes.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

That's why I'm wearing a Dracula cape, so I blend in.

And in Foon...

Yes.

What is...what's a Dracula?

Is that a...

Chunt, Chunt, Chunt, Chunt.

Are they saying Chunt or Chug?

Well, that's a good question because earlier they were chanting but Chunt, so I don't...

So Dracula, now that I've refreshed my memory, is sort of the king of vampires.

Okay.

All right.

And that's...it took that long to get there.

Because we've missed a few Chunt for October's, my bad.

I forgot to notify vampires we're at a different tab or now.

So they, you know, they died.

But I've been trying to do more promotions and contests and pageants.

And part of the thing is I've been saving my...

Can you...we feel those and let everyone know those are real?

And we've never met before, right?

No, no.

Just give those a squeeze, make sure they're real, tell everyone they're real.

Yeah, these appear to be real claws.

Very good.

Now swallow those.

Trust me, trust me.

What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give these out to who I think here in the tavern at the strange familiar.

Someone gasped as if punched in the tummy.

Yeah, so are you gonna look out and be like, who here is least likely to throw this away immediately?

Yes, I think Chunt head over here.

I think Chunt costume on the in there.

You can tell that one is a Chunt because it looks like a scum.

Shut up, shut up.

Is there...do we got any pink polos in the house?

There's a pink polo over there.

Pink polo?

Wait a minute.

That is Arnie.

What the fuck?

Hold on, stand up.

Turn on the house lights.

Here's the thing, here's the thing.

He looks more like me than I do.

Is this fun for listeners at home?

But you know what, we have brought something for all of you.

And just like the class...

Snickers.

There are snickers.

I mean, it's been two and a half years.

Snickers, Snickers, Chunt, Snickers.

I would like to introduce my good bud.

He's really loud.

Yousar or the Wizard?

Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Light, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakas, The Elves, Nomi is Fian Yalak, The Dwarves, Nomi is Zonenhuk Stengis.

And I am known in the northeast as Gasmenius Mesta.

And also wet to you.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry, but I was waiting for a while.

And I would like you to know that Dracula is not the king of vampires.

He is the champagne of vampires.

Must be nice to have had ten minutes backstage.

Arnie, do you think that's a world record on Earth for the most people in one room to say Gasmyanus?

Can we call that book of yours?

Isn't there a book that you have on Earth?

It's like a book of beer where they...

where like a man has very long fingernails and two twins ride motorcycles.

Oh, the Gasmyanus Book of World Records.

Yes, yes, yes, yeah.

Gasmyanus.

Spaghetti.

Although it's funny you bring that up.

At the use of our enter and everyone was yelling, I realized we're just a few years away from like the show running itself.

I had much the same thought if we could just tell them it's starting and they could just yell all the things.

If we... if we taught a duck to press a sound board...

I think we could have an hour-long show.

And we could stay home.

So, U.S.C., how you doing, bud?

I, M.S.O. is fighting the forces of evil at every turn.

Where evil does rear its ugly head.

Who's he talking to?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were over here.

I saw someone over there who looked a lot like me.

So we, the two of us...

together, one staff in hand, the other with sword, we did see evil ahead of us and we saw this vampire on this unholy night where we do raise blood for those evil bloodsuckers and we struck them down and then we remembered it as a charity thing.

What the fuck?

So we felt a little bad about that.

You, Sidor.

Yes.

I'm too... Arnie, he keeps doing this.

He keeps striking down vampires.

And right before he does, there's a smash cut up on his face and he says, I'm good. Topical for today.

I'll take your word for it.

Stop killing, stop killing the patrons of this bar of tonight.

Well, it's just, you know, they are evil.

And my job is to eliminate evil, technically.

Thank you.

One person in the crowd hates evil.

Yeah. It is an interesting litmus test.

How many people are just sort of like, gas my anus?

And then you say, let's do something about evil and they're like...

Yeah.

But I'm sorry, Chant. I'm sorry to ruin your evening.

It's not my intent. It is just my nature.

No, it's fine.

I mean, you were once a vampire, so...

Oh, yeah.

Huh.

Well, fuck me.

So, I'm so excited.

Yeah, it shows.

I've never seen someone lean over, talk downward.

Talk downward into a mic, basically fall asleep.

Basically fall asleep.

And in the most monotone drone, say...

I'm so excited.

I'm so excited.

I'm not, Arnie. I'm not excited. I'm not excited. I'm not excited. I'm scared.

I can barely contain myself.

Because we have other monsters, other...

who might be, you know, thought of as evil.

Yeah.

Who are coming tonight, and I'm afraid Eustor's gonna not behave.

Eustor.

Yes, yes, yes.

Can we promise tonight, no slang, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Anybody in the tab.

Ooh, Eustor's in trouble.

I will make this promise. I shall not smite or slay any evil creatures.

But if the first row keeps acting up, I can't make any fucking promises.

Arnie, when you talk to Eustor like a child, I want to call him Bluey.

Bluey, oh, hey.

Bluey, if you pretend something, we're gonna have to go along with it.

Wait a second, is this show Bluey?

Just realizing I am bandit.

Oh, I should say, if anybody has phones on earth, you can email me at chuntwith6ts at gmail.com.

And maybe at the end of this episode, I will...

Episode, at the end of tonight, I will...

At the end of this psychotic break.

Might read some of the correspondence.

Oh, yeah.

Finally I have a chance for people to be involved.

Yes.

Perfect.

Yes.

Why don't we bring out our first guest?

Very well.

You know, Arnie, I was talking about having more contests and prizes and pageants.

And one of the things we're doing this year for the first time is we are crowning a...

Or sashing, if I might say.

We are sashing a little...

We're sashing.

We're sashing a little Miss Demon.

And I'm proud to announce we have for our guest tonight the very first time recipients of the Little Miss Demon Award.

Please welcome this year's Little Miss Demon.

Arith, you're all cut off.

You sonor.

Fine.

Welcome to the show.

Was he smiting me?

No.

I was smiting someone I was thinking about earlier.

His bark is worse than his smite.

Thank you for coming out.

First of all, congratulations.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, you earned it.

You earned it this year.

Thank you.

I'm the wickedest little one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And how...

I don't...

We don't typically ask in the forums, but how old are you?

That's a joke.

That's just a joke.

That's just...

That's just a fun tavern joke.

Because I just didn't know...

With little, we didn't know how to quantify that.

Size, youth.

It's size.

Okay.

Size.

Okay.

So...

Someone left this?

Oh, that is candy from...

No, thank you.

Oh.

Okay.

You don't like candy?

No, thank you.

Where can I put it?

Oh, if you just toss it over to Chantigan, you can put it back in his bag.

Perfect.

She is a demon.

Snickers and beer?

That ruins both.

Yeah.

So, what do I call you?

What is your...

Is there... Do you have a name that is pronounceable by the human tongue?

Yes.

Okay.

Can...

Can...

May I...

Hear it?

I'm so sorry.

I don't mean to do that.

Did my reps not...

Oh.

Did they hurt reps?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Were there some...

My reps should have sent in advance.

Oh.

I just want to be clear.

There's a lot of off-limits questions.

Okay.

I just wanted to make sure you all know those.

Okay.

I know this might be self-defeating, but...

What are the off-limits questions?

Okay, so like an example of an off-limits question would be...

Like, how bad are you?

Oh, that would have been so fun.

What's the worst thing you've ever done?

Is it all right to sort of get around that one by being like, what's the second worst thing you've ever done?

Okay.

Or we could ask some leading questions like, how many souls have you devoured this week?

Oh, good one.

That's also off-limits I take.

What I think what's happening is we're focusing a lot on her being a demon.

What are your hobbies?

Great question.

I'd say grilling.

Okay.

Arnie, don't ask grilling what.

Don't ask grilling what.

Don't ask grilling what.

Don't ask grilling what.

Arnie, don't ask grilling what.

Um, grilling who?

I guess just, you know, anyone that...

Ribs?

Okay, all right.

When Safe Tear Toy, technically, I guess.

Everybody grills ribs.

It's not necessarily a sacrifice or something evil.

Everybody does.

Every single person grills ribs.

Arnie, you missed it.

Sounds like we've got a t-shirt.

Arnie, you missed it earlier when Little Miss Demon was sashed.

Yousar wrote a song for it.

Yousar, do you want to sing the song?

Yes, obviously.

She'll keep you screaming, Little Miss Demon.

There she comes walking and keep not talking.

For there are certain questions we must never ask and in our demonic glory bask.

Yousar, but why ask me to sing?

But why ask me to sing when Arnie's so excited?

Yeah.

I just was told that everybody prepared a different song.

Oh.

We...

I already did mine.

We will get to the songs, but before that, Yousar, are you open to notes?

Sure.

Loved it.

Front to bottom.

Front to bottom.

It's been a couple of years.

Have you been to the doctor recently?

Yeah, he said you're looking good. Front to bottom.

They missed a part.

So, the first rhyme was great.

Screaming and then rhyming screaming with D-mon.

That was a choice.

You could have gone demon to really nail that rhyme down.

Instead, you said screaming D-mon.

And is there a regional difference between a demon and a D-mon?

Yeah.

Right.

And you are a...

That is definitely a question you should never ask.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Shunt. I'm sorry.

Is this a situation where she's only here to talk about her new album?

And that's it.

I don't know.

I'd like to hear the other songs.

Yes, of course. Yes, of course.

There she is, little Miss D-mon.

Boy, oh boy, got those rips screaming.

G.O. My dancing so swell, my O.G. straight out of hell.

She got the horn, she got the sash, she got the hooves.

Fuck everybody.

Little Miss D-mon.

And now immediately Arnie's.

Immediately Arnie's mine.

She's a wonderful D-mon.

Can't you hear her scream on?

Thank you for that.

This song could go on and on, but I am darned.

And then of course as a prize for you winning, you get to sing a song or not.

Oh yes.

My prize.

I am a D-mon.

I knew it. I knew it.

I tell you by scream on.

Fuck.

Now it seems like I got a lot of crap about my song, which then seemed eerily familiar to all of the following songs.

I'm gonna smite something so hard after this.

I clearly just said after this.

Isn't it weird, and I heard this before coming in, that I heard a rumor that everyone in the tavern tonight is a librarian.

Why, what makes you say that?

They're like, look, everyone in the tavern tonight is a librarian, but they just need a break.

Hey, just a quick question.

What exactly is involved in a smiting?

Just kind of in your personal experience.

Well, that's a great question, because I vanquish evil in a number of different ways, right?

Smiting is just one of them.

Often I shall banish an evil entity to another dimension.

Often I'll just kill them straight out, just kill them.

There was that, what was that, there was like a six month period where you entered Street Smiter.

Street Smiter?

Yeah, well there was Street Smiter one.

I don't know if they called it one, there was two, there was three.

Right, Street Smiter two, yeah, okay.

Right, you do that.

Can you tell us?

You drawing a blanka?

Bye, son.

Bye, son.

Well, and smiting is particularly difficult, because it requires you to cast a spell that not only kills the creature, or evil entity in question, but also then traps them within an object.

Yeah, just kind of curious about your definition of evil.

Well, there's a lot of things I'm not crazy about.

But evil generally is summoned up by the forces of darkness and the pits of hell, or by the Dark Lord himself.

No, no, I know, a lot of my friends are evil, so I was just kind of curious about like kind of what you would, I don't know.

Well, I mean, I mean, I've met many evil people, and you seem very charming and very disarming, and I'm always open.

You can't stop rhyming.

I'm always open and hoping that a demon shall come around to the side of good, and then sit around and eat some food.

No, he got it, he got it.

And it's been a dream of mine for a long, long time, little Miss Demon, to convert someone from evil to the side of good.

I long hoped it would be our nemesis, the evil Baron Ragoon, or one of my sworn enemies, Drip Fang.

But little Miss Demon, I come to you here today begging on one knee.

Is he proposing? Oh my God.

Will you please...

Don't do this in public.

Don't, no, no, no, no.

Will you please be good for us, join the forces of light and fight evil in all its forms, please?

I'm just... I gotta turn someone.

Horny, this is insane. I gotta tell you, I'm so excited.

I know. I'm so excited.

Look, look at...

I'm so excited.

Look at how excited...

I'm so excited.

Look at how excited my friends are. They can barely stand.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited.

I'm so excited.

Wow.

What's she gonna say? What's she gonna say?

First, I just want to say thank you so much for having me.

Thank you.

Oh, that can't be good.

Whenever somebody proposes something and somebody says thank you.

And I loved, like, when you got down on that old knee.

Oh.

That looked like it was painful.

It hurt. It hurt a lot.

And just, I just kind of...

I just want you to question why you need to change people.

Wow.

Wow.

Thank you so much.

No, it's a point well taken.

Everything serves a purpose.

The three goddesses created everything here in the world of food.

And who am I to question their grand design?

If they wanted there to be evil, then they...

If they didn't want there to be evil, they wouldn't have created evil.

Arnie, he's spiraling.

But if they didn't still want someone to stop him, well, they wouldn't have created me.

Oh.

I have to...

I'm gonna have to think about this.

Yes, sir, would you do me a favor?

You know how I have those little skin flaps in my fur?

Yes.

Would you magic me some earth money?

Of course.

Erotron-tala-ha.

Wow, it worked.

And then would someone get me a blue moon?

Whatever that is.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Checkoffs, blue moon, you know.

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So if we, I don't, if you want to talk about it, do you want to talk about what you did for the talent portion?

Because I have never seen that in my life.

It was both horrifying and satisfying.

It was funny. It was sad.

It was everything you could ever want in any sort of talent.

Yeah, I guess I could tell you about it.

I practiced for a really long time.

Basically, I ate a human pyramid.

Your blue moon is here.

You should not touch.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

What is this weird can?

Yeah, don't pretend like you're not going to need that second one.

Wow, you don't need money on earth, Arnie?

Must be nice.

Well, can I ask, can I ask, when you eat a human pyramid, what's your process?

Totally. A lot of people would think you'd start at the bottom.

You start at the bottom, for sure.

No, because then it creates a mess.

So you start in the middle.

Excuse me?

So you said you don't start at the bottom, so you start in the middle?

You start at the top.

You start at the top, and then it trickles down from there.

It's basically from front to front to bottom.

From front to bottom, yeah.

So is it something for every person you eat, two of their friends will get eaten?

No, no, they watch the person above them as they bear the weight.

Yes.

And then you eat them after they've experienced basically kind of hardship from above.

Wow, hardship from above. Let's remember that if we ever make an album.

Can I ask, do you have anybody terrible in your life?

Are you asking me out?

Whoa, Arnie, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm so excited.

No, no, I mean, I guess I'm a little, you know, the sash, I'm a little starstruck, I guess.

I guess I'm just, I'm just interesting in getting to know you better.

Like, that doesn't have to go anywhere.

Yes, perhaps a little misdemeanor, you don't know, but Arnie is a man from another world.

He comes from a place called Earth.

On this world, there's no magic, and there are no demons and there are no wizards, and they record these things called podcasts, which is why we're talking into these little ice cream cones.

Oh.

And it's, it's something they do, it's something they do to pass the time because their lives are mostly empty.

I got that right, right?

Yeah, pretty much, or they have to do the dishes, something like that.

And sorry, is there, so like the podcast thing, just curious, so there's like, it just like kind of, is there, like how do you, is it, is there a network?

Oh boy, well there, I got, I don't have a short answer for that.

First of all, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger in Chicago.

Wait, wait, wait, let him say it.

Wait, Arnie, Arnie.

Oh, wait, no, if we, are you saying, if we touch, don't touch, do not touch.

No, first of all, I'm gonna hold the microphone.

Some years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical land of Foon, where I pick up a Wi-Fi signal.

And I'm trying to get home, I'm only at season three.

Sure, sure.

Okay, to be fair, to be fair, to be fair, Arnie, in their defense, they're only at season three, so they've only heard that 300 times.

Yes, that's true.

Well, hey, the biggest clue that he might really be me, is he wasn't entirely sure of how much time it goes.

Time advanced.

And to be fair, I'm only on season three.

I'm sorry to do this, but my reps did say there would be two songs from each of you.

So, is that the second song from each of you coming soon?

Well, I'm happy to sing a song as always.

But I suppose, I don't know, Arnie, do you want me to wait to sing the song until the guest is here?

That's a good question. We do have another guest.

I would have to imagine if there was any singing going on, they would want to be here.

Chunt, do you mind introducing our next guest?

Oh, yeah, this is another thing we thought to bring into Chunt for October, just to kind of get butts in the seat.

What was that?

Fuck, that's good.

Fuck, that's good.

It's really good.

This is Usador.

This is Chunt.

And we're getting butts in the seats.

So this is a new thing we thought to try out, which is to have inside the tavern an entire haunted house.

Please welcome a haunted house.

Oh my goodness.

Is it just me? Is anyone else seeing the way this haunted house is floating gracefully?

That's the only way a house can move.

Now I'm setting myself down inside this tavern.

Watch out for the Snickers.

What a wonderful surprise.

Wow, Arnie, they're opposites. And you know what they say about opposites?

They attract.

We've got it.

They attract.

It just takes longer.

Sorry, Arnie, these librarians are so used to shutting up.

They talk a lot to each other, don't they?

Yeah, but sometimes they'll ask you out.

You're going to ask me out?

No.

Guys, I hate to say this.

I gotta get inside that haunted house.

Get to know me first.

Excuse me.

So have you been a haunted house long?

Is this you getting to know me?

It is.

Arnie, let him settle. Old houses need to settle.

It's true.

No, have I been a haunted house for long?

Yeah, have you always been haunted?

Was there some point where you were just a house?

It's so long ago, I can barely remember it.

There was a time, yes. I was a normal dwelling.

And then, as you can see, I have five ghosts hovering in front of me.

Haunted house? Aside, aside.

Feel free.

To have an aside.

For sometimes when you need to speak, all you need to do is turn to the audience and rant and rave about whatever is stuck in your craw, and then the forces of evil shall fly from your sight, for they fear the power of Eucerdor.

Sorry, I'm back.

I'm back.

I'll give it a try, but not quite so indulgent.

There was a time, I was an ordinary dwelling like any other, waiting to be owned or rented fairly new, and my shingle still sturdy, my shutter still open, and then a family of five on vacation, wandered in front of my house, you're right to gasp.

Let us simply rest here for the night, and then they all stood on my spiral staircase, right in the middle of the grand entrance, but it hadn't been designed to support that many people.

The entire thing gave way, and then, if I'm not mistaken, there's another sixth little ghost right here.

The dog ran into the house to check on them, and they were fine until that moment, but when the dog fell on them, the weight of the dog killed them all.

I'm sorry, I didn't get an aside.

Oh, please.

Oh, they're fun.

I just wanted to say hey.

So, you're haunted by vacation ghosts.

Yes, they're different than normal ghosts.

They're far more lighthearted, but as long as they dwell in me, I can never be at peace, and neither can they.

I know, look at them, they look happy in this reenactment, and they are vacation ghosts, but they're still eternally restless.

I will say one of the ghosts, and I don't know which one it is, what part of the family, there's one ghost that's just kind of like...

Yes, that's their son Oliver forever.

You're chimney, you're chimney.

I know my chimney, it's falling apart, I'm falling apart.

Do you want to get an estimate?

Yes, I'd love an estimate of what I might be worth.

Yeah, I'd say based on the roof, the foundation, the spider, I'd say front to bottom, I'd say 350 gold coin.

I'll take it.

Chunt in this market.

What can I say?

Haunted House, we're so glad to have you.

Of course, you've met Little Miss Demon.

Do you have a song prepared?

Well, it's so funny you bring that up, because I think my entrance interrupted a song from each of you.

And I am so sorry to mention that, the nice thing is all this time talking about me, you've had so much time to prepare your songs.

And I heard they were going to be genre bending.

They're going to be what?

Genre bending.

Genre bending.

Genre bending.

Well, yes, of course, of course, genre bending.

I mean, it would be simple enough to sing a song about...

Birds.

Birds.

And before you start, know that my genre is going to be covers.

And my genre is going to be unrecognizable.

Setting down your drinks, not going to help, buddy.

I believe you may have heard...

Oh, it's like one of those old-timey mountain songs.

But the thing I love is a bird.

Smart to slow it down so he can rhyme better.

In some places, it may not be legal, but I do love the high soaring eagle.

And if your mind it is too narrow, allow me to love a sparrow.

Because my heart is throbbing, and I must love this robin.

I love birds.

I love birds.

I love birds.

I love birds.

I just bent a genre, son of a bitches.

Always smart to have the one who does the voice go first.

Sorry for buying you time.

Alright, I'll go next to my genre will be rap.

Little Miss Demon, Little Miss Screamin', Little Miss Keeman, Brittle Brattle, Brattle Burrow, Vermont, Vermontster, Jen and Barry, Ben and Jerry, Scary Harry, Harry Carey.

Let's play two.

Ani, do they have rap on earth?

Have we ever told you about rap and food?

No, what?

It's pretty different.

Yeah.

I've got to say, didn't sound like anything I'd ever heard before.

I love how here in food it's more of a free association with a clumsy beat.

My genre is going to be instrumental.

Damn it.

Damn it's good.

I guess Arnie is instrumental to this podcast.

I just, I think it's great that at least one person on this stage is a great singer and they have not sang.

Little Miss Demon?

Probably.

No, it's not me.

Would there be any sort of a duet we could do?

No.

No, no.

Thought I'd just throw it out there.

Yeah, you did.

Haunted House, I'd love to hear more about your bats.

Yes, Haunted House, tell us about your bats.

Oh, you lost a ghost.

You lost a ghost.

Go into the light.

One of them is free.

One of them has been set free.

Here, hold on.

Go.

Go.

It shouldn't hurt anyone.

Yes.

Wow, that broke someone's nose.

That person isn't excited, but they don't realize this is like the ring.

They just accepted a ghost.

Yes, the ghost is with you now.

Good luck with that.

You don't understand though, this has never happened before.

The ghosts have never left me before.

Maybe if I can get rid of all these ghosts in this one evening, we can call this a successful show.

Yeah.

Haunted House, what do you think caused that ghost to leave?

It seemed like when you were just about to sing.

Well, oh, I think your passion.

I think your passion is exercising the ghosts.

So you have to do eight songs?

Or, whoa, another one of them just left.

Yes.

Oh, this was the, I was about to say infant, but no, we'll say this was the dog.

This was the pet.

The dog.

It's finally free.

It's just a pet.

It's just a pet.

The infant stayed home during the vacation.

They were a negligent family, but the infant survived to tell their story.

Go free.

How many is left now?

There's three.

Four.

Four.

Four.

Maybe they're just terrified of setting other people up to sing songs.

Yes.

That's very possible.

Maybe this apron is just too well made.

All right.

It doesn't matter who fashioned this apron or how flimsy it is.

They say that in some circles, certainly here in Foon, a single couple qualifies as an entire song.

We've all heard that, haven't we?

Many times tonight.

All right.

And this is a song for you, I'm led to believe.

Yeah.

Mine will be a lullaby.

I'm so excited.

And as each of these moments happen, you can help me by setting the ghost free from my apron if you're comfortable with that.

Okay.

Find it.

Find it, House.

Find your voice.

Yes.

Breath control from your basement right up through your chimney and into the sky.

I think someone's drowning.

Oh, well, it's one of the ghosts.

That's what happened.

I'm going to get some water in the basement.

From my strong foundation to my jaunty chimney, this lullaby goes out to the demon before me.

One of the ghosts.

Can make it to a new family.

Sorry, friend.

Only roses for my demon, including the thorns.

What a jaunty little demon you are, especially your horns.

That one really doesn't want to lead.

That one was boiled alive and its skin came off first, so that's what's going on there.

We'll do the next two together.

That ghost goes to its new home, be it old person or kid.

I'm so proud of you for eating your way through a human pyramid.

We know that the secret, once you start eating, never stop.

And you don't start from the bottom.

You know you start from the top.

They're free.

They're all free here.

Go, ghosts.

Go to your new life.

Finally, finally, their vacation has come to an end.

Now I'm just a creepy house with bats.

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You know, sometimes after an excursion, I feel like I just need another exorcism.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

Wow, how does it feel to just be, I mean, I don't want to sound rude, but to be fair, you're now just...

You don't?

Uh-huh.

I guess there's something about him I want to be a little rude.

I mean, just for the...

This is your chance.

Just for the contrast, let's hear you trying to sound rude.

I'm so sorry.

But I was going to say, you're now just a house.

How does that feel?

Your identity has been stripped...

That's like if Little Miss Demon was just little or just demon.

But I'm not.

But to be fair, to be fair, you're not.

I'm not.

You're a little Miss Demon.

Yes.

How does it feel to just be a house?

I don't know.

I've been a haunted house for so long.

They've been with me for so long.

I'm just a house again.

Maybe now I can finally pursue my dream of being a doctor.

A house practicing medicine?

Stranger things have happened.

Doctor House.

I'd watch that.

Can I just say something kind of crazy?

Please.

Please.

I also want to be a doctor.

What?

So Doctor Little Miss Demon?

Would you specialize in anything?

Yeah, I guess killing people.

Oh.

Well, euthanasia is an important part.

People shouldn't be allowed to suffer beyond the point that they no longer wish to suffer.

Yeah, I'd want to make people suffer.

I thought I had a win here.

Well, I still think it's a noble pursuit to become a doctor and to learn about anatomy and to help those in need.

And we could work as a team.

You could take them out and I could bring them back.

Do you maybe want to practice your bedside manner?

Would you want to?

Are you trying to ask me out?

This is so exciting.

No, I'm just...

We don't have to put labels on it or anything.

Are we going to ask someone about their bedside manner?

It's like saying, do you want breakfast in the morning?

Look, I stopped myself earlier from saying I want to delay that foundation.

Just for your restraint.

If you...

I don't want to rush this.

I can see this is still in its early stages, but if it does work out and you need something of a newlywed cottage...

Ooh.

I'm in the market.

But...

You're taking a long time to answer.

I'm just saying, so far, when people walk into that house, they die immediately.

Fair.

Fair.

I have a troubled past and I want you to look past all that and make it right.

Also just stay off the stairs.

Live on the first floor.

It's not complicated.

So the first floor is completely safe besides the stairs.

It's a dream.

It's huge.

It's spacious.

It's now.

It's modern.

Lots of good light.

So what you're saying is there was no ill intent in the death of those people on your part so that evil is just a thing that happens and not a state of being.

No.

No?

No.

Okay, I'm still working on it.

Okay.

And someone out there say maybe she's born with it.

Because that's a pretty good fucking joke.

And I'm sorry to do this, but I have to give you credit for that.

Now everyone else, shut up.

Arnie, I have some emails here.

No.

I don't.

This first email says, finally, a venue for people to express themselves on this show.

The first email says, I love you from the first row.

But it's from Laura Mock.

So she's making fun of me.

Oh, this is from Kyle.

Arnie says, Arnie, copy.

What is your favorite grilled rib, Arnie?

What is your favorite grilled rib?

My favorite?

Arnie, I don't know how to repeat it again to make you understand.

It's like five fucking words.

Pork, beef, human, just tell a little bit of Miss Demon.

You know, I like all the grilled ribs.

I didn't ask the question.

No.

I like all the grilled ribs, and I'm willing to talk about it more after this show.

This is from Jeremy.

Jeremy says, Little Miss Demon, what is your perfect first date?

And Arnie didn't send that email, did he?

Not that I can tell.

How is Jeremy spelled?

J- sorry.

J-E-R-E-M-Y.

I always forget how much spelling there is in that song.

What song?

Stop giving him a hobbit time.

Jeremy spoke on email today.

Do you have a perfect first date?

Oh, yeah.

Good to know.

Answer, asked and answered.

This is from Adam.

Adam says, Oh, hang on, hang on.

Yeah.

Oh, can you tell us about what your perfect first date would be?

Yeah.

Okay.

I didn't even think to follow up.

Now you can read the next email.

This is from Adam.

Adam says, Is Haunted House on the Market?

Arnie, I think these librarians are horny.

We have to enjoy the timeline right now because that, I wonder if that email happened before I literally said the words, I'm on the market.

And if so, no harm to whoever wrote that, but I'll just say, rent for a few months, see what you think.

That's what they say.

Why rent the house when you can get the house for free?

Okay.

Was that evil?

Little Miss Demon, are there any particular responsibilities to being Little Miss Demon?

Like is there like things you have to do throughout the next year?

Totally.

No further questions.

Here's an email from Evan.

Evan says, Boys Smite.

But then, sorry, Evan continues.

Not tonight though, Little Miss Demon rules.

Are there rules to being a demon?

Is there something you could do to like get you kicked out of the league?

Yeah.

I mean, kind of like if you get smited.

Oh.

It's kind of a thing.

So you try not to get smited.

Because if you get smited, if you get smited, if you get smited, then things are not so good for you.

So maybe it's not always good to smite.

And maybe you want to do a little aside about how you're going to smite some more.

Wow.

You sort of dances smiting words.

But before you smite, there is another email.

This is from Jesse.

Let's all calm down.

Jesse says, What kind of horn care routine does Little Miss Demon follow dying over how good they look under the tavern lights?

You're all wonderful from Jesse Kay.

It's head and shoulders.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Head and shoulders.

And ribs.

And ribs.

Knees and toes.

Is it possible that we've been cursed that we just have to repeat things?

I've been thinking a lot about smiting.

And the nature of evil.

And perhaps evil is allowing things to happen that I had the power to stop.

Rather than sitting idly by while evil is enacted under my nose.

Now by the rules of your contest to become Little Miss Demon, you had to do a talent.

You ate a human pyramid.

That's pretty impressive.

Smite worthy?

No.

Evil?

No.

Because everyone consented and knew what they were getting into.

I assume if you're in a demon contest where you form a human pyramid, you're at least a little suspicious.

Or expect to be devoured.

I mean odds are, I mean you don't go there and go, I'm going to be fine.

Some of them were probably looking forward to it all week.

They were like, I'm going to get a human pyramid.

I'm going to watch someone get eaten on top of me.

And then I'm going to get eaten.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This person knows what I'm talking about.

To each their own.

But not that.

This is an email from Ann Marie F. Ann Marie F says, I love you.

Don't find this rude, but what animal have you not slept with?

Do you find that rude?

I don't find this rude.

The one animal I have not slept with, there's a few, but the one I will never sleep with, out of respect for one of my best friends, is a Starling.

Yeah, fuck him.

Wait, wait I can?

No, no, no, no, no.

So quick question if I'm allowed to do that.

Of course.

You've never slept with a Starling.

Have you ever come close?

I've come close, I've come far.

It's probably hard to come close to a Starling.

Yeah.

Okay, someone here says, a few people ask, can I get a picture?

Instead of doing, can we just, haunted house, I'm sorry, my apologies.

House.

Thank you.

Do you mind coming front and center?

And then can we all, if people want a picture, can we all stand in your yard?

Oh, I see, yes, yes, yes, gather, gather in front of my yard.

It's been so long since living beings have stood in my...

You gotta see this backyard.

I work out.

Never one be super excited.

Great, so I just look like I'm sucking my own dick.

Can we give it up again for Little Miss Demon?

Arnie, there's 50 to 70 more emails, but honestly, after perusing them, I don't want to read them.

So what you're saying is you actually read them before reading them?

Well, I was skimming for non-filth and we still snuck a few filth in there.

Sure.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Okay.

Hey, I will churn this tavern around.

Look, isn't this what Chunfa Red October is all about?

Haven't we all done some things that some people would think were creepy or weird or a little too loud?

Yes.

And I think there's no better metaphor for what's happened here than knowing that at least the few of us are going to leave here tonight and be haunted by what happened for the rest of their lives.

It's so hard to understand this lesson when it's not in song.

Mama, don't feed me no baloney.

I want a sandwich, please.

I want something thick and dirty.

I want a man which please.

Don't feed me no baloney.

I want a man which please.

Wow.

Arnie, that was beautiful.

That was gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.

See now, a man which is capable of evil, for aren't all of us capable of evil?

It's a decision each of us make.

I can't smite all the demons.

There may be some good demons and there may be some evil humans and evil elves and dwarves and it's not my place to decide who is evil and who is not.

It is the place of the goddesses to judge who is evil and who is not.

So from this day forth, I will just vanquish, banish or kill.

Wow.

Wow.

I've really turned over a new leaf.

Progressive, progressive.

Wow.

And you know what?

I'm feeling a little ting in my heart, a little tickle, a little burst.

I feel like my heart shapes shifted 10 times tonight.

And you know what?

Forgive this old friend, but I don't think you mind.

I will fuck a Starling tonight.

Yes.

What else?

I feel like each of us feels deep down that if we talk in a reflective way...

Yes.

...that means the show is over.

Is it time for five different asides?

Since we started this show, I always had a rule that I wouldn't end the show until half the people boot.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Has it been a problem yet?

Oh, sorry.

Little Miss Demon has something.

Sorry.

I just think it might be really nice if we ended the show with the four of you doing a human pyramid.

I'm so excited to see how this is going to go with four people.

Okay.

We all agree.

We all agree.

Human pyramid.

Whoever has health insurance on top, whoever has health insurance on top, whoever has health insurance on top.

Human pyramid.

No, no.

I have health insurance.

Wait, wait, no, no, no.

Human pyramid.

Human pyramid.

Human pyramid.

I know.

Also, I'm tall, but how am I...

I don't even want to say what I was about to say.

Human pyramid.

Front to bottom.

Front to bottom.

Front to bottom.

Front to bottom.

Front to bottom.

Front to bottom.

Front to...

That's our show.

That's our show.

Is anything more enjoyable than the sounds of a group of people doing something that only has value visually?

Trust me when I say that human pyramid lasted at least eight seconds.

And as bottom left, they were along eight seconds indeed.

User of the Blue was played by Matt Young.

Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafaia.

Little Miss Demon was played by special guest Joe Firestone.

To learn more about Joe's standup, her podcast Doctor Game Show, or her card games Ponderdome and Fruits, check out her website, joefyrestone.com.

The now unhaunted house was played by Tim Sniffen.

And I'd like to say how wrong I've been.

All the times I've said the podcast is a form of entertainment that could never achieve greatness.

Effortless, nuanced, timeless.

What a treat to get a smile and a masterclass at the same time.

Unhaunted house, you're doing everything right.

Want to see a live show yourself?

You're in luck.

There's going to be a special hello from the Magic Tavern Winter Solstice live show in Chicago at Talia Hall on Saturday, December 17th.

There's a link for tickets in the show notes.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon, like Michael Oxley and Renee Felch.

A small voice.

Courtney Grimmett, I love when leprechaun butlers support the show.

Matthew Killian, Cameron Shells, Jody, M. Scott, Chuck Metcalf, Josh McKee, Paddy with two D's, Oh You're Not the Scooba Diving Authority, thanks for the distinction.

Gino, Matthew Brown, Diego Cancel from Puerto Rico, Oh My the Horrible, agreed, Caitlyn Trollinger Dwyer and Kali Mack.

Patrons get ad-free versions of all episodes, all the spin-offs like offices and bosses, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Necamp, Matt Young and Adol Rafa, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

This episode edited by Sage GC.

Special thanks to the staff of The Bell House in Brooklyn and also Minnie's Bar where we hung out afterwards, possibly Too Long.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan.

To find out more about the Magic Tavern theme by Andy Polan.

I know what it's like to make a comeback.

One of the great comebacks in history.

In 2017, I was a linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers, where my whole life was changed in an instant.

Jay Zeer, the middle linebacker, is not getting up.

I don't think anybody has seen his legs move since the hit.

They said I'll be paralyzed for the rest of my life, that I'll never walk again.

But I didn't give up.

I understood that that was just the beginning of my comeback.

From Wondery, this is Don't Call It a Comeback.

Don't Cut It a Comeback.

Hosted by me, former pro-ball linebacker Ryan Shazir.

And me, zero-time pro-bola Dave Damashack.

In each episode, we'll look at the down-and-out moments that led to the magical ones.

We'll dive deep into what makes each story more incredible than the last.

So follow Don't Call It a Comeback on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen ad-free by subscribing to Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app.