An Emergency Broadcast to Solve an Emergency Problem.

Hello, Beck Hill here.

One half of A Problem Squared.

Just to let you know that unfortunately, we don't have an episode today.

Yeah, I'm very sorry about that.

This is my fault.

I am currently in the States.

Matt is currently not.

And we had one moment where we could try and sync up our time zones and record this episode.

And I got food poisoning.

So was not able to do anything.

And we haven't been able to line up another time yet.

So we decided what we're going to do is release two, that's right, two episodes of I'm a Wizard, which is our bonus podcast that we release normally only to Patreon supporters, so that you can all listen to it and have something to enjoy.

We really do apologize.

Our next episode will come out in two weeks, as usually scheduled.

So thank you so much for your patience.

Any Patreon listeners listening, we really appreciate your support and we will release...

not only the I'm a Wizard episode that you are due this month, but we will at some point do a bonus one for you as well, just to say thanks and ensure that you don't miss out.

So thank you very much for your understanding, everyone.

We hope that you enjoy this little bit of silliness anyway.

And have a wonderful two weeks until we see you next.

Bye.

I am a wizard.

I am a wizard.

We thought it might be nice to provide an extra bit of content for those of you who have gone above and beyond in making this podcast possible on Patreon.

And so, okay, well, Beck, what is I'm a wizard?

Because you introduced me to this.

Yeah, so I'm a wizard is it's a bit like would you rather, but it's more like you, there's one thing that you would like, and then you're provided with a caveat.

So it's almost like a curse spell rather than a would you rather.

So, as an example, I'll start us off easy, okay, and then listeners will find out.

So, I'm a wizard, rightio, and I will give you a million pounds.

Oh.

Just magic that up.

A million pounds.

Sounds good.

But.

Oh, there are strings.

Okay.

Yeah, but if you take the million pounds, your ears will stretch out a meter on either side of your head.

Oh, okay.

Now, hang on.

Is it a one-time payment of a million pounds?

Yes.

And am I allowed to use a percentage of that on corrective surgery?

You can, but because it's never been done before, you might lose your hearing.

Oh, okay, okay.

And when you say stretch out a meter, that's a meter in each direction.

So my width is now two meters.

Yeah, and it's just the width.

Like, it's the same sized ears.

That's what I was going to ask.

Are they scat?

Is it a scale increase?

Are they literally just

like a stick coming out of each side of it?

You look like the letter T.

Got it, got it, got it.

And is that to sc no, I'm going to use like to scale.

Like imagine if you stretched an ear out in Photoshop just in one direction.

Yeah.

Or is it like just the fleshy outer bit has been extended?

No, it's like Photoshop.

So that's why it's a bit dangerous if you try and have them.

Got it, got it, right.

And that means that I couldn't like let them hang low and like flip them over my shoulder or something.

There's no like.

No, no, there's cartilage.

Oh, right.

So they stick out a meter in each direction.

Yeah.

It's actually like really hard for you to get through doors unless you go sideways.

That's what I'm worried about.

Yeah.

I am not going to accept the $1 million if my ears have to be a meter in each direction.

All right, there you go.

There you are.

And that's how I'm a wizard works.

Yeah.

Although, speaking of that, Beck, I'm a wizard.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Very similar to the previous wizard.

I'm going to offer you half a million pounds a year every year for the rest of your existence.

Except

your knees now go the other way.

So, like,

so they're like the back of a horse leg, or I'm trying to think of like a dog leg.

I can't remember how legs work on animals.

They're just the other way around.

The other way around.

So the kneecap is on the back and the leg folds up.

Oh, like a knee-mew or an ostrich.

They kind of go backwards, don't they?

I think so, do they?

Yeah, yeah.

Same as a human knee, but somewhere on your leg, before you get to the knee, everything flips around the other way.

And then reverses again underneath.

So your foot, your foot's still normal.

Ah, okay, so my foot still faces forward.

So arguably, I can't walk, is what you're saying.

Well, you can, but so if you stand still, you look normal, but walking is going to be a whole new style because your hips still go the same way, everything just curls forward now instead of alternating as you go down the leg.

But then you'd have to completely relearn how to walk because your feet are made to carry the balance.

Like, your feet stick out forwards

to help balance because your knees bend forwards.

Oh, yeah.

No,

yeah, I'm saying it's definitely a hindrance in walking.

But I get a pretty decent salary.

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Half a million pounds a year.

I feel like if my knees bent backwards and I taught myself how to walk, but considering how weird that would look, like I'd be like doing a dinosaur impression.

I could probably make more money than half a million pounds a year just by being that person that's on the news and stuff.

I'll have a Channel 4 documentary.

I'll be in movies.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

No, there are no stipulations about.

You're allowed to profit from your backwards knees.

Yeah.

I should also flag up, just in the interest of full disclosure, sitting becomes a bit of a novelty.

And so you're going to need to make a lot of money for, like, if you want to go on an aircraft,

because your legs don't neatly fold down anymore.

Yeah, but they fold up.

That's even easier.

They fold up.

Yeah, they go straight up in front of the seat in front of you.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no worries there.

Yeah, I could actually sit much more comfortably on a flight.

I mean, we're starting to talk myself into it way more.

It's just win-win.

When I think about the amount of times my knees get in the way,

baths would be easier.

Yoga.

I mean, yeah, I don't know.

I think I'd, like my friends and stuff, will they be like, oh, your knees go backwards now?

Like, would they have known me prior to the knee reversal?

Yeah, yeah, it's an abrupt change.

It's not like you were always the backward knees person.

Oh, I would definitely become like one of those people who's like, oh, she's got, she's had a challenge, but look at her, push on and be like, so brave.

I'd be one of them.

Are you going to go for the sympathy angle?

No, no, complete opposite of sympathy angle.

I'd be like, I'm a fierce.

Oh, you're an inspirational figure.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I'm taking it.

Done, done.

Backwards knees, one million Aussie dollars a year.

All right.

So I hope that was worth everyone's extra Patreon support.

Also, if anyone has any that they would like us to pose to one another or just to both of us, please do pop it in the Patreon and we'll bring it in.

It needs to be not cash-for-body disfigurement.

I mean, there are other options.

Yeah, yeah.

We went in like really, really harsh there, but we'll get more creative as we go along.

Let's hope so.

All right.

And anyway, and genuinely, thank you very much for your support.

We appreciate you making the podcast possible.

I am a wizard.

I am a wizard.

I am a wizard.

I am a wizard.

Welcome to I'm a Wizard, Wizard, the bonus podcast that comes along with a problem squared.

So this is different.

Yeah, we're in real life.

We're in the same room.

This is terribly exciting.

Yeah,

you know, I can see your face.

You know what I'm finding difficult

is you can smell me, unfortunately.

That's why I'm leaning back.

Now, the thing is, you're right next to me, but then Lauren, the producer, is on the laptop.

in front of me and I'm so used to when I record these podcasts looking ahead at the laptop that I'm like we're forgetting forgetting to look at each other

to be fair it's nice that no one's providing a break

i feel like it would be far too much eye contact

i can't handle that

yeah how weird this is nice it is nice yeah you're not in a cupboard i'm in a different office yes you're in your proper big office

the big uh evil genius uh fireplace you reckon that's a evil fireplace well it is if you're here

i mean,

has it been the background of some of my people who watch all my videos might have seen it?

Can we put a photo on Patreon?

We'll put a photo on Patreon.

And

you lovely Patreon listeners can decide

if it's evil or not.

I mean, one of the first things you did was mime

a villain leaning against it.

I've been expecting you as you were swirling an imaginary glass of

scotch.

I got scotch from

brandy, maybe?

My first guess was brandy, as you know.

Cognac is the evil

love child of brandy and whiskeys.

What was the terrible liquor I bought in Edinburgh?

All of it.

No, I remember I bought some.

I think it might have been cognac or something like that.

I was like, oh, it's a classy.

Oh.

Do you remember this?

Yeah.

I probably tried to offer you some when you came to visit where I was staying at Edinburgh.

Yeah, I don't think I drank.

I don't think I drank.

It was awful.

And that's saying something because you know that I will eat or drink anything.

You'll give it a go.

I'll give it a it a go.

That's terrible.

I think the novelty of the name, I was like, oh, I've never had, let's go with cognac.

And we're in like this Victorian place.

But it was like a knockoff.

It was like cognac because it was double G or something.

That's what robots drink.

That silence isn't dead air, by the way.

That is just a reason.

No, that's just me.

I'm just refusing to respond.

I'm refusing to respond.

Like, I missed a subtlety because I hadn't really paid attention to that.

Oh, there's no subtlety there.

Oh, okay.

It's just got the word cog in it.

Oh, cog.

That's what it is.

Cog.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

We should go to the bottom of the side.

Matt shuffling papers like a newsreader to denote.

Meanwhile,

let's move on.

No, no, no, no, no, no, this is not.

There's nothing on the paper, though.

It is blown to my class that he is.

It's pissed off.

Yeah, I wouldn't know this if we were in separate rooms.

I'm sorry, I'm talking over the top of you as well.

Oh, this is great.

Yeah.

And now we can't blame the lag of the internet connection.

And we've muted our producer.

so we are away we've left the chat open so she can yell at us in all caps if she chooses um but no some this is exciting and i've got some big news now that we're back in the same room together um so i wow i thought i should be in person to say this that i am actually a wizard oh my god i know See, now you've said this a lot in the past, but I've not believed you because we've been in separate rooms.

But now you can look me in my wizardy eyes.

Yeah, do you know what?

I know I'm getting lost.

That's it.

Because they're massive.

You're like source.

Freak, freak spell incident when my early days.

Don't mess with eyes until you've got a bit more experience under your belt.

That's what I'm trying to say.

So, anyway,

as a wizard,

now honed, I thought I'd offer you, again, as you've noticed from the size of my eyes, into body mod, wizarding.

I'm going to offer you an extra pair of arms.

Okay.

You do a lot of writing?

Yeah.

A lot of crafting.

A lot of craft.

It'd be handy for crafting.

Literally handy.

Literally handy.

It'll be, yeah, so just two spare hands.

They kind of come out lower down.

Oh, do you remember

in.

Did you play Mortal Kombat?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was the name of the Goro?

Goro.

Goro.

Goro.

Goro.

It's a Goro over there.

Goro is what you would call someone called Gordon in Australia.

Hey, Goro.

Hey, it's Goro.

Goro's finally.

520!

So,

yeah, so I can offer you the Goro upgrade, as there's no one in the biz.

Yeah, there you go.

oh okay extra pair of arms handy around the house i do like that the only minor drawback oh no what is i have to adjust all my clothing with that too that too uh there's some cloth clothing adjustments uh a lot arguably every single one of my tops yeah but you've only got to put two additional holes in them

or if you got very baggy you could i get cold arms though

oh okay if you want anything long sleeve you're right there's a lot of alterations all my coats were in britain this was australia be all right oh okay what if, what if this is, there's already a downside to this.

What if the arms

can appear and disappear as required?

Oh, that's nice.

I can retract them.

Yeah, you can retract them.

So if you need them for crafting, foom.

Yep.

Got oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you don't need them?

Shump.

Regular back.

Nice.

There you go.

It does mean that if I ever do crafting, I have to be topless.

Or you just have your crafting outfit.

Okay.

With the extra sleeves.

I get, yeah, no, no, no.

Then you're in business.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I retract them, they just sort of like my body looks normal.

They don't retract like if you brought in the two fingers on a rubber glove, you just hang it up.

They're not hollow for a star, and they're not just like, actually, you know what?

They just pin to your side.

I say retract.

It's like when you put your arms into your t-shirt as a kid, is that?

That's right.

But the arms.

No one can

put their arm inside it like a glove.

No, no, no.

You cannot.

No one else can put their arm into the inverse cavity from the Goro bonus arms falling inside you.

The only mild downside is that the arms are deeply sarcastic.

Okay.

So like if someone's telling you something really serious, right, they might pop out and do like the home alone or like a big exaggerated yawn mime.

So

it's worth bearing in mind.

Yeah, no, that's nice.

But also if I'm wearing normal clothes for this.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, they'll just make their way out of

the top, no, you're top

like if like someone's giving you a really nice gift and you're like, you're like really emotional, you're thanking them, they might just flip them off from just like popping out the bottom of the shirt.

I would do that regardless.

That's true, that's true.

That's they might blend right in.

I think I would find that really funny.

I think that's a, you know, I actually think that's more of a selling point.

Oh, really?

The downside was the fact that I'd have to work out the logistics of having extra arms.

As a wizard, I think I'd get better at guessing what you would find the taxing or problematic aspect of something.

Yeah, no, I like the sarcasm.

I think that because, I mean, can I tell people, sorry, the arms are just really sarcastic.

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

But there's no turning it off.

There's just explaining.

Yeah.

If anything, that makes a funny sketch just with two arms.

If you

do a serious story,

pretend you're doing a serious story, but you explain to the audience, I'm really sorry, but my arms are very sarcastic.

You're so sarcastic.

And then you try and tell a really, really personal tale.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you want the sarcastic Goro arms.

Yeah, thanks.

None that I shall bestow upon you.

The Goro arms of sarcasm.

Goramasm.

Gorama.

Oh, yeah, careful how you say that.

And there's the miss.

Yeah, let's not go into other uses of these arms.

Yeah, no, that's really cool.

That's nice.

i can't believe i didn't think of just doing that for myself because get this i'm a wizard no i know

likewise i didn't believe you surprised you didn't pick up on it earlier i'm wearing a pointy hat that's true and i've been meaning to bring that up like it's i feel like it's all these as a wizard

i thought it was just hugely insensitive like you're mocking my culture oh yeah as a you're like the cultural appropriation yeah yeah you look like merlin from um

thword and the stone yeah yeah yeah yeah

the disney anime

you do well you know you never know when's the right time to bring this up well everyone changed overlock

i haven't seen bec in a while so maybe she's wearing a beard no that's fair maybe she's doing a bit i mean it's always uh always it's always a possibility as uh so you could have gorged yourself a long time ago is what you're trying to say Yeah, and I didn't.

And that was silly of me.

Oversight.

I'm glad that you came in.

But I thought in return to thank you for this gift that you took took with open

arms.

Open half.

Thank you.

Thank you.

When we were driving in to,

can I say your location?

You may, yes.

Yeah, when we're driving into Godaming.

It's a matter of public record.

I live in a

small town.

I drove you into Godoming.

And you drove me into Godoming.

There was a bus replacement service otherwise.

And I was like,

I will have a personalized pickup service.

When we were coming in, I noticed that there was signs for helipads and stuff.

And you mentioned that you've seen quite a few helicopters.

And, you know, my theory is there's some nice places around here.

Maybe there's like, you know, millionaires who are

listed to do golf.

You know, the

really responsible way of spending your money.

And I

thought that actually maybe you would find it useful to have.

a helicopter.

Oh.

You got one of those.

It's like the Tesla of helicopters.

You know, know, it's, it's pretty.

But you know what?

Let's go even better.

I'm a wizard.

Why not?

It is like completely carbon neutral.

Oh, it's like a battery.

Anything it takes electric heat.

It takes the carbon out of the air.

Oh, wow.

It runs by absorbing carbon.

Oh, my goodness.

That's exciting.

Carbon dioxide.

And then...

That's a real challenge because batteries are so heavy.

Having some kind of electric aircraft, big problem.

So that's amazing.

I know that.

You could have solved this the whole time.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Wow.

know that.

And it's like, you know, you can learn to fly it if you want, or you can, or it has like an autopilot thing.

Enhanced autopilot.

Yeah, exactly.

It's doing all that.

Yep.

I mean, yeah, it's changing

the atmosphere to output clean air.

If anything, I'd feel guilty not flying around.

Right, exactly.

But if it's got advanced autopilot, I can just leave it running.

Yeah.

If I'm not going anywhere, it can just hover above my house.

Well, the thing is.

Oh, what?

You might want to hold off from doing that all the time.

I don't know.

I can't see any downsides.

Because

for every 10 minutes.

Every 10 minutes?

Right, there's flying.

It decapitates a bird.

Right, okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Now,

wherever you go, there's a couple questions here.

Is it decapitating the birds using its own blades?

Or is there like a separate, is it like carbon offsetting?

There's a separate bird decapitation factory.

Like, sorry bird matt just pop down the shops

no no no it's like the birds fly into oh okay okay okay and there's no way around it anything that you try i mean i'm a wizard and i haven't found a way to do it

so it just kind of draws in birds yeah they can

sucked into the airflow or whatever on average one is it like every 10 minutes every 10 minutes or is it like on average it's about six an hour uh no it's it's every 10 minutes boom i can set my okay it's more like on average once every 10 minutes well okay, so I can't like do all nine-minute journeys and just like slide around.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That would have.

We are, I did some filming for the bees, right?

And we had a they were really struggling to hold the camera.

They were.

The bee unit was terrible.

Did you make that joke in the video?

No, but everyone behind the scenes got sick of me saying, have we got enough B-roll yet?

Nice.

Ah, good times.

Yeah.

We had a drone.

Of course, you did.

For filming.

Yeah.

Not a B drone, like a drone.

Decapitated the bees.

Oh my God.

So

the drone,

we got it out too soon.

And it turns out the bees did not appreciate a giant

buzzing thing.

I'm kidding.

However, in BV drone, drone wins the vast majority of the time.

And so we flew the drone and bees went for it, but then they just get crashed in the...

Oh, this is awful.

It's a terrible.

I felt terrible.

I can't believe that this something, such a similar situation happened.

I know what you said.

I'm like, I already have a calibration point for how I would feel when that happens.

If you told me that story earlier, I would absolutely not have pitched it.

It's too soon.

It's too soon.

No, it's okay.

So, anyway, that was a bit traumatic.

Yeah, I bet you had to get rid of the drone pretty quickly.

We got rid of the drone pretty quick.

I felt bad because

someone had lent us their bees.

Maybe that's why the bees are bad.

And we blended them.

Too many bloody content creators going around.

Exactly.

Getting drone shots.

I felt pretty bad.

Now, I don't know how you scale up.

Is this empathy or am I just guilt?

From a bee to a bird.

I don't know if it's the length or the surface area or the volume that guilt scales with.

But even if it's merely length, I would feel pretty bad with six birds an hour going into my...

And I don't think it could be taking out enough carbon from the air that there's a net environmental environmental gain like i don't think it's gonna solve global warming sufficiently such that birds more birds survive what if the birds are pigeons or seagulls i'll see now i don't want to be

oh no even i still feel bad i still feel bad yeah

even even the worst birds yeah I'm not saying they're the worst birds.

I'm just saying they're pests.

You heavily implied that.

In some areas, maybe there's too many birds.

They're pests.

And I'm a bird lover.

I bloody love a bird.

So even

if it's culling surplus birds, like even if I'm like, okay, but can I hire it out to like

a chicken?

What's a chicken abattoir?

Like places where I'm just saying there are places where,

and you know me, I don't even eat chicken, right?

That's even worse.

I know, but I can't even think of a Matt, you're coming off real bad in the summer wizards.

Matt, killer of bees,

happy to hire out.

No, you're right.

I don't want to enable.

I'm not saying I want to enable the machinery of suffering that is the chicken industry.

In some areas, pigeons and seagulls are like rabbits in Australia.

You know, like they are actually diminishing what is part of the ecosystem.

Exactly.

They're an introduced species.

But no, you're like, hey, why not give this equipment?

Anyway, I'm just...

Bird murderers.

Bird murderers.

Burderers.

I don't want to be in bed with burderers.

Guess what?

You are one of them.

It's so easy.

You know what?

I'm using my wizarding to just

put you in jail.

No, no, no, no.

You can't hurt anything.

We all know the wizard rules.

I'm going to have to confiscate your hat

if you carry on like that.

No, I can't do it.

I'm going to have to.

Thank you.

I'd love the electric.

I think you can't do it purely because it will turn you evil.

Exactly.

It's a slippery slope.

It's like the ring for Frodo.

It is like the ring.

It's like when you start doing it, you're like, oh, I can just use this to kill you.

I use it once once or twice.

And then when a seagull nicks my ice cream, I'm like, just you wait, Seagull.

Yeah.

Come back with my bird murdering helicopter.

Thank you.

To

a weird lore, yeah.

There you go.

Anyway, so thanks, but no thanks.

That's good.

That was a test you passed.

Just

I am the wizard, I am the wizard, I am the wizard,

I am the wizard,

I am the wizard, I am the wizard, I am the wizard, I am the wizard.