Best of Monday 2025

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard.
I'm with Lily Padman. Hi.
Today is Best of Mondays 2025.

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From episode 861, Nikki Glazer. Well, last night I was at the Grammys and my boyfriend.
I'm just trying to be very small. Like, I feel like I don't belong there.

I don't want people even noticing me to go, like, why is she here? Even though I was nominated for a Grammy. Like, I didn't win.

I was so mad I didn't win only because I wanted to bring my Grammy to like hold it to be like, I belong. I just wanted to have a reason to be there.
So I was being very small.

And then people were coming, you know, people were coming up to me being like, oh my God, I love like people I'm fans of.

And my boyfriend had talked with me after we were like, you know, just kind of doing a debrief afterwards. He's like, I think you have to remember that you need to go up to people next time.

Like you going up to someone will be the same gift as Olivia Rodrigo coming up to you.

Like, cause that was like the biggest gift of my life was someone I admire so much coming up to me to say she was a fan. He was like, but you could go give that to people.

And I was like, I don't think of anyone thinking of that they would want that from me. Did you talk to Taylor? I didn't.
That's an, that's one, you know, like Taylor, she's just.

Everyone wants a piece. That one, I'm just like, I will never be the one to be like, excuse me ever.

It's almost rude what I do when I'm in the same room as Taylor Swift because I won't even look her way.

It might. She's like tapping you on the shoulder and you're just like,

it will have, it will take that because I just will never. And everyone goes, go up and say something to her.

And so it's like, she's got to, there's no way that she's dying for that on a night like this where everyone's doing it. And of course, she would be so nice.

I know exactly how it would go down, but I just, I don't want to take someone's energy away that I require their energy to be put into making great music.

That's why I don't want her to make a less great song because she had to be like, oh, nice to meet you. Oh, and like told me as I'm crying,

we don't need to be able to do that. Something tells me I can't.
She can't bother her both.

I generally, after award shows, get pretty depressed no matter what happens because I'm around all these famous people that I put on a pedestal and I kind of see the facade of it all and like the desperation and like, oh, this everyone's the same.

Everyone has, they're all wearing uncomfortable clothes and have the fake hair in. And I'm like, we're all clamoring to be noticed and a little bit disappointed when we're not.

And it just, it makes me a little bit sad because I'm like, no matter how big you get, you kind of worry about who's in the room, who's looking at you, where you're seated.

I kind of go through a depression afterwards. It's seeing the magic trick a bit.
You realize, oh, there isn't any pixie dust. There is pixie dust.

Like there's magical moments where you're like, wow, that person's so talented. They're so amazing.

They're like, you know, you know, just even watching Chappell Rohn last night, Sabrina Carpenter, Ray, who I've never had never heard of, but watching her was just transcendent.

Definitely musicians when they're doing their thing. And if you were watching the people in the room act, perhaps.
Right, yes. But you're just seeing them not lit and not in a riveting drama.
Yes.

And they're just people. The reason I brought up the thing is because I wanted to do a full circle, which is,

and this is important to say, because I was like a little annoyed and I was upset on your behalf and upset on my behalf because I was like, oh, this is going to

be a problem for me. So Kristen is hosting the SAG Awards.
Oh, my God, really? Yes. And she hosted them in 2018.
And that's when I was her. producing partner and creative partner.

And so I wrote her monologue and I did all that stuff for her then. And so she asked me to do that this time.
So I went back to look at that original monologue.

I kid you not, there is a joke that is about Mark Maron

that I wrote. That is, we didn't have our show yet.
That is literally

the exact

same

joke. I loved that show.

I loved that show. My jaw dropped.
I had no memory of writing that joke. And also I was like, well, this joke is fine.
This joke is fine. So that joke has to be fine.
Oh, that's fine.

That makes me feel so good. Like, it doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't mean he killed his close-up. He was such a good sport.

Kristen showed it to me. She's like, I mean, look at this.
We did the same thing. It's so funny.

That is circle moment. I was like, I wrote this exact same joke.

It's so nice to hear that because I think that happens all the time where people get mad about something and you've just done it before and no one will ever admit that they've done it before.

But even when I get mad, everyone's such a hypocrite. Not that you're a hypnotist.
No, I was. But unintentionally.

I hope that got to you in our debrief as well, which is as I was listening to the monologue, panicked that I was going to get made fun of, I was doing a personal inventory, you know, and I was going,

you have done this many times. Like, I have done this.
I have been on Conan making fun of the cast of the expendables because I had a movie coming out against them.

And they're easy targets and I can do all their accents.

You know, maybe Sly was at home bombed. It's hard for me to imagine that, but maybe, because again,

in that situation, I'm insignificant and I'm almost speaking in a vacuum. These people won't really hear me.
Yeah.

And then I'm like, and I was on a show called Punked where we put celebrities in very rough situations and hopefully they acted poorly.

I mean, like I, I had no, I no point was ever judgmental and at no point did I act like I was above that. What I more was starting to feel was a kind of compassion for both of us.

That's really nice. Which is like, I want to get invited to the party.
And the way I got invited to the party was like, yeah, you can come to the party if you should.

These people on punk. Yes.
And I was like, okay, I'll do it. And then you get to the party and the people you shit on are there.
And you got to be there.

For years, I'm bumping into Timberlake and he hates my guts. And I'm like, Mike, don't you understand, buddy? I was like dead broke and that was my only chance.
Oh my God.

He said, so he remembered, he places you. Totally, we've had him on and we talked it all through.
But like, yeah, I would see him for years. And it was like, yeah, that guy doesn't like me.

And for good reason.

You forget these people have feelings. And generally, the jokes I make are about, you know, at Rose, I feel like everything's on the table because they've signed up for it.

We should make a distinction because I heard you talking about it this morning. Yeah.
And it's great. You're like, Tom Brady's getting $25 million.
He has consented. Yes.

Everyone that said yes to the Diaz, they, am I saying it right? Diaz. The Deus, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
Everyone who says yes to the camera.

Like, everyone.

And you go, yes, that's right.

I just want to give you what you want.

But then I'll ultimately be honest with you. So that's going to track throughout this episode.
We have the same approach.

Yeah, but there is consent.

Yes. And I have been invited to so many of those roasts and I'm like, I just don't have thick enough skin.
I'll just tell you, like, I can't handle that. I'm very sensitive.
Thank God.

Like, I don't even think about what's going to be said about me when I say yes to the roast.

Like, I put it out of my head But even the I did the Tom Brady one because it was like Tom Brady I got to do it But the next roast that they threw at me I was gonna say no to because I was like I'm too old now like when I was 35 getting called old you could cut it didn't hit hurt Yeah, I was like I'm I don't see it not really but at 40 I kind of feel it and I'm starting to see it and I just don't want I don't want anyone pointing out something about my face or that I have to then go stare to someone about yeah in an office and have them draw on me and stare into my eyes and fix it and fix it which I've done and I continue to do.

But I just don't want, I don't want anyone else notice. Like, I just don't want people to pay too close of attention.
But then the Tom Brady Roast, you just, and then you, you go, oh, good.

I'm not the most famous person here. So there won't be that many jokes about me.
And that's how it ended up. But the next one, I feel like

I'm a little bit more famous. Bigger target.
Yeah, bigger target next time. So we'll see.
It's going to have to be someone really, really good for me to do it again. It hurts a lot.

It does, right?

I'm not. I'm one of the only people who didn't watch the Tom Brady Roast because I can't even enjoy watching it.
I just think of myself hearing that and I just, I'm very sensitive.

Embarrassingly sensitive.

I don't read any comments about myself.

I've been sober from comments, which I think should be a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, not the general public, because I don't think the general public has too many trolls in their comments.

But if you're a celebrity or a person who's like- You probably know your troll if you're a

civilian.

You probably work with that person. You should have blocked your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend ages ago.

That's just a simple block. But yeah, I just, I don't, I can post things now and not worry and not like go back.
How many likes does it have? Because I just go, it's none of your business anymore.

And you don't get to read anything because I can't handle it. It will destroy me.

From episode 893 with Mo Ammer.

So Gulf War breaks out in 91. 90, yeah.
90. It was like August of 90.
The reason why I remember exactly

the invasion, the Iraqi invasion was then, and I remember it quite well because I was supposed to have my tonsils removed two days before, you know, two days before, yeah, after they came in. Yeah.

Oh, wow. So I was like, damn it.
So now for the rest of my life, I still have

tonsillitis. It might have been a happy accident.
No, it's not, bro. They're miserable.
I have enormous tonsils. I bet they're gorgeous.
They're massive. They are gorgeous.
They are mountainous.

You can see all of those fucking things for sure. You can probably get them out now.
I am so scared they're talking about like the way I've, yeah, adults are supposed to do it. It's a massive.

It's a really, it's like 50-50 bleed or something, something crazy, like heavy bleeding. Was it someone on here? Six weeks to eight weeks recovery, no talking.

They cauterize it, but you can't feel, you can't feel if it's bleeding down into your stomach. Oh, you can basically,

that's all I needed to hear to make it even more difficult. But why are the kids more, why are they able to

cauterize? I think it's not as mature enough. It's very like it's an in-and-out procedure for kids.
But someone was just telling an adult was like really battling whether or not to do it.

They don't like to do it on adults because it's bleeding. I went to like the top specialist at the UCLA and they were like,

50-50, they're going to bleed, you know, but you'll be fine. It's just going to take a lot longer to heal.
I was like, you know what? I'll just take antibiotics or something.

I'll shake my big ass tonsils off. I'll just be fine.

And what if it do a lot of voices too? Like, what if it affects

how I do all these accents and stuff? Like, what if I just end up talking like he's sold his tie now? Like, I would just be like, My life is ruined because I sound terrible.

So, the invasions in August, the U.S. enters,

as I remember, because my birthday is January 2nd, and I got my license

in 91 on the 2nd. And it was the only thing that played in the radio when I first, I feel like it was like maybe January 1st of 91.

The U.S. entered.
Yeah.

I had left before that, but go ahead. You left before the U.S.
response. Yeah, it was pretty, it was really, really intense because that was the first time I knew that we were stateless, number one.

Like, I didn't know,

I just knew this happy life. I knew that we were, you know, had family all next.
I didn't know anything was wrong. Yeah.

Like, we couldn't just. But you weren't like holding on.
I was like, why don't we just go to, why don't we just go back to Palestine? Let's go back to West. But like, why can't we? Right.

And they're like, no, we can't necessarily do that either. That's not the best next step.
Let's figure it out.

And it was the first time seeing, you know, your parents are this, you see them and like they're your pillars. Like they're always in control.
There's nothing ever wrong. Seemingly know everything.

Seemingly know everything. And to see them so worried.

And I remember this to this day, that call at 6 a.m. I remember the phone ringing, you know, at those days, the phone would wake up the entire house.
Morning, morning.

I was like, who the hell is calling? And I remember getting up and my mom picking up the phone was like, Saddam has invaded Kuwait, hangs up.

And now everyone is out to try to get as many resources for the house: food, rice, water, you know, thing, whatever you can get

to just store it.

And yeah, that's when everything changed. And they got to our house at one o'clock in the morning, and I was past, I was asleep.
I've slept through the whole breaking of the door, ransacking the home.

They were threatening my mom and my dad, who's in this bedroom, who's in this bedroom. They were pointing at my bedroom, and they were threatening they were going to throw a grenade in the bedroom.

Oh, my God. Like, tell us, tell us, tell us.

And, and, you know, my mom and my, like, they were trying to figure out who works at the Equator Oil Company since the whole reason of their invasion to begin with is the supposed siphoning of, you know, Iraqi

oil and whatnot, whatever. Was that their premise they were diagonally drilling in? Is that what they're saying? That's what they were saying.
I don't know what exactly is.

It feels like, you know, yeah, that's a bigger conversation to me. Now, I have a, as a grown-ass man, I see what's everything going on living in America.

Now, I know, like, who's been putting all these people in power and doing it, whatever.

Let's talk about that thing.

But that was the premise is that, you know, Kuwait was stealing from them and he's there to take it back. That's the idea.

But then, since it's the Kuwait oil company, so our neighborhood was

first stop. Yeah, first stop.
Absolutely. And it was all about collecting people who are, you know, who could help manage and turn over the

control of it. Exactly.
Your dad's like, I just do telephones. Well, that's the biggest fucking thing, right? Communication.
Okay. That was like one of their, probably on their top five list.
Oh, wow.

You know, of, you know, transferring all communication to where

you transfer it to adult, you know? Yeah. So my dad had one choice, either do it or we, you know, potentially your family is at risk.
You know, you might take them online. Who knows?

You're not going to find out if they're bluffing. Bluffing or not.

Exactly. You're just going to say, yeah, that's me.
What are you going to do?

Like, what is he he gonna do so he was forced to go in and redirect oh wow some of it from what i've heard some of it at that time and he regrets it he doesn't didn't feel good about any of it you know he had to protect himself and he loves he loves he loved kuwait and he loved the people of kuwait he loved everything there and he was just saddened to see it all happen that way but he was also just protecting our family so like soldiers would show up early in the morning at our house and just constantly all throughout the whole street it was pretty regular but i feel like our house was like a spot you know?

Yeah, uh, became that, and uh, play soccer with these guys, like they were just, you know, have me like, hold the machine. I was like, I don't know, hold the machine gun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was that weird, like different life. Just my everything changed, right? And trying to evaluate, are these guys mean and evil? They weren't, right?

Or, but when you're, when they first show up with the guns, they had moments, they had moments, though.

I remember this guy, he had a thick stash, huge, but I was really fast as a kid, and I played tons of soccer, so I was killing these older guys.

I was killing them, and he just boom, he just socks me real hard. And I remember being laid out on the ground, and I look up and I see him, and this is how he felt like he was laughing.
He goes,

and I was like,

It felt evil. I know he's not, but he was just like fucking with me.
But he just, it really,

uh, it just, it just, I can't forget his face. I can, I can, if a sketch artist was sitting here, I could draw him.
It's that kind of, you never forget

from episode 911 with Brad Pitt?

You know, I've never had a gay experience. I kind of missed that window, but if I did, yeah, it wouldn't be you.
Oh!

Oh, man, you had me. I was like, wow, he's going to say that.
I was like, Dax is going to die tonight. 14th or 15th.
I don't want to brag, but you're going to need to build up to me.

Oh, boy.

I do recommend you start with some

starters.

Now, is this true that you left college a week before graduation? No, I actually went through graduation.

I just didn't finish my last week of classes and actually graduate, but my parents were already coming.

Oh, you went to the ceremony, but you didn't graduate. Fucking walked the line, hot and all, cap.
You wanted to be able to throw your hat.

Sure, it's very unanimous that. That's a crazy fucking decision.
No, because I decided come to LA.

You only have one week left. I had one week left, but what's the Spike Jones movie? Adaptation.
Remember when Chris Cooper goes, he talks about, he's into, what is the flowers? Yeah, the lotus.

Yeah, yes. Lotuses? No, it wasn't a lotus.

Orchids. Orchids.
Yeah, yeah. And he talked about his former Jones

was about fish or some kind of fish breeding. She said, I think it was Meryl asking him, what happens? And he says, done with fish.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It felt like that for me.
It's just like,

done. I don't want to do this.
I talked to a friend. They had, it never occurred to me I could like, I was kind of lamented that movies weren't an option.
I'd always loved movies.

I met this friend whose dad had a condo in Burbank and said I could stay there for one month. Oh.

And I went,

Green light. I'm going to it.

I'm going to it. And he moved to Beverly.

What car did you drive out for that? Dotson 200SX. Oh, wow.
With the bumper hanging off. Okay.
It was an engraving. shit.
Do you still have it?

No. Oh, sometimes it's fun to have those old original.
Do you fantasize about getting any of the stupid cars you have?

Because I had a 91 Honda Civic DX for a decade here, and I want to get one and make it fucking fast. I was just looking at my dad at a 74 Monte Carlo, and I was just looking that up.

You got to get it. It's just looking it up.
You got to get it. Just for fun.
Just a little tribute. How often are you scrolling those cars?

Be honest.

Yeah, just bring a trailer here as often as i'm scrolling zillow yeah i know zillow will really love i love house porn house porn car porn bike porn well you've been in this situation for a long time but it's for so long it was just i dreamt about it and then i could do it and then i did it i bought too much stuff i saw the toys out there

it's fun yeah and this is me fun this is me now like constrained so I have these like rules I have to have in place.

Like I have to look at the car like 10 times and I got to want it still in four months.

ah, so you make sure that you put the time in to make it worth its while. That's right.
I, I, I, cause I'm dangerous.

I get on, bring a trailer, and I'm like, oh, my fucking God, I need that thing so bad. Okay, so you drove out into Dotson.
I did hear a funny story about you

wanting to get your SAG card and interjecting. Oh, I got shut down so hard.
You told me. Oh, did I get shut down? I was doing extra work for

about a year and a half before I even got into

got to do something real. I was doing, I was an extra, yeah, and I was thrilled.
I loved it. I couldn't believe I could be on set.
Yeah. And I started that.

And I mean, when I landed in Burbank, I got the paper, I went to McDonald's. I had $275 left in my name.
There were three extra agencies. You could pay me $25 and you were in.

I found it in the paper and I got in. The next day, I'm going.
I'm rolling. I'm doing an

industrial video by the end of the week. Yeah.

And

I get this.

I get this gig.

You're already inflating what happened. I'm an extra in this movie.
I land this role. I land this job as extra.

But the funny thing that when I started, I put them on like a resume, like they were real. Yeah.
And it still haunts me. Oh, sure.
Still like on my.

Anyways, I'm making jackass. And

it's a restaurant scene, and it's the main characters, Charlie Sheen and Deb Sweeney, and then a bunch of other actors that I wasn't necessarily aware of.

And I am the waiter. I was supposed to bring up champagne and pour champagne.
They show me how to do it. You got to pour, you spin, you wipe the thing.
I say, Great. More than an extra.
I come in.

Well, it was a chosen extra. I got chosen.
I was chosen for put forward. Oh, my God.
And the whole game was, how do you get your SAD card? Yeah.

Because you can't get a job if you don't have your SAG card.

But you can't get your SAD card unless you've had a job. So it was this catch-22.
Specifically, you need to speak. Yeah, you got to speak.
That was the

barrier to entry. Yes.

And

like a jackass, they're having the scene. They're doing the scene.
I get to

the last actor.

She seemed lower on the totem pole.

Maybe. And literally, the scene is going on.

I pour her champagne and I go,

would you like anything else?

I want them dailies from me. Listen to this.
Listen to this. Oh, my God.
It was

first AD runs over. You do that again.
You're out of here. Oh, Oh, my God.
It was just shame for the rest of the night.

That's so took a shot.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert.

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from episode 949 with dominic fike

Okay, but you didn't get to cocaine or breaking house arrest. Oh, yeah.
So you're in there focusing. It's doing wonders for your songwriting.

but but i'm in a room all day and i'm trapped all day and even now that that's my job it's like i still know that i have to step away sometimes even if i want to i know that it's healthy to step away yeah isolation is it's it's a bitch yeah yeah yeah so i start using everything i can that has a short span in your stream coke is like three days yeah Is that what it is?

I don't know. I was when I was looking it up.

I wasn't taking a lot of piss tests when I was smoking crack. This may surprise you.
I did not hold any employment then. You know what's funny?

Me, me neither, but I think it's like something in middle school that you do with friends when it comes to weed is like you guys discuss like the shelf life of drugs in your system.

I do know weed lasts for like a month. I know that one.
Yeah, everyone knows that. Every guy knows that.
Yeah, and math lasts a while in your system.

But I don't know the Coke thing.

Coke's one of the quicker ones. So I'm doing Coke.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah, because you might take a piss test. I guess you are on house arrest.
That's true. Yeah, I'm bored.
I'm bored.

And like the girls are always at work. And their mom lived there too, but she's always at work.
She's trying to get me to go to school. She's like, Dom, you need to do something with your life.

I'm telling her, I'm making a mixtape. Kid with a face tat smoking dope, doing Coke in her fucking department, talking about a mixtape.
You know, I'm not necessarily investing on that.

No gay, but damn. No one gave a damn.

And then I get called in for a thing. And it's right as I finished the last song on the mixtape.
I'm up doing Coke that night. And the dude calls me at 7 a.m.
to dominate another drug test.

And I'm thinking, like, oh, well, I just did it.

so it's probably not even in there yet oh oh like i just did it five minutes like what's up pete yeah give me the cup motherfucker yeah yeah he gives me the cup and i just failed and he put cuffs on me right there i'd never been so in disbelief i was like we thought you had it all

do that won't it that's the great thing about coke it makes you optimistic that's why it's a relief and then i went to jail for for a while and and and during that time in jail I released the mixtape.

Yeah, so how was the time in jail? You were in county? It's awesome. It was great.

Really? I had a good time in jail. Again, this is a stereotype, and I'm worried how cute you are.

I'm a little worried about how cute you are. That's scary.
I know. I hate the permutuity of this.
Okay, so it's not really like that. I'm a little nervous.

There's this thing called like Pete Pet, Pete, PETA, PETA, Reda, something like that. It's some four-letter acronym

that is against prison rape. Okay.
So we got some action in there. We got some.

It's huge. Okay.

It's like dare, but if it's like they kept doing dare.

And it was a huge.

And it worked. Yeah, yeah.
Because I was in, yeah, I had full long hair. This was before I, you know, I was like 20 in there.
Oh, no. I was a piece of ass.
Yeah.

There we go. You're a piece of ass.

I was. Call it what it is.
I was.

Yeah. And I was in a violent block because of my charge.
So my bunky was just murdered his family. Okay.
Hilarious, though.

It's the funniest guy. Like, the funniest guy.
Well, if you can't laugh about murdering.

you can't laugh with him because you killed them all. Oh, my God.

Wait, how old are you at this point then? I'm like 20. You're 20.
Okay. And how long were you in jail? Like a year.
Okay. Yeah.
So, you know. Wait.
Murder. I did have one question we blew past.

Did you watch Florida Project? No, I never watched Florida Project. I was never into people like making their projects about their like movies about my town because they always did it wrong.

And I just didn't want to be let down and pissed off with the project. I don't think you will be with that.

I hadn't seen it when everyone else saw it, but then I loved Anora, yeah, and then so I went back

and watched Florida Project. Florida Project's better than Anora, and I love a Nora.
Florida Project is

like that's a crazy take, it's awesome. Sean Baker's amazing.
Did he do oh, he did Florida Project, he did Florida Project, okay?

We love Sean Baker's, yes, and it has this impossible thing that like kids have once every 30 years.

Someone captures little kids being little kids, and it like you're like, How did they get this to happen? Yeah, and it's like it's mad the first time you saw Dakota fanning, What the fuck's going on?

Yeah, I am Sam.

Jerry Marty T. Drew Barry Marty T.

So you piss hot, you go to county,

you release the music. Now, this is so improbable.
By the time you get out,

by the time he gets out, there is a bidding war

to sign you.

And you sign at Columbia for $4 million.

What? I mean, I don't know why.

This is up there with Kihe Kwan. Yeah.
Kihe Kwan. Yes.
He's on a refugee ship.

Within a year, he's flying first class to fucking

be in Indiana Jones. Yeah.
Wow. So, yeah, this getting out of prison to a $4 million contract, how do you compute that? Yeah.
So

I don't know.

It was kind of like the first of its kind in that span of time to happen to this bidding war thing. I'd never been a part of anything.
Because it was big on SoundCloud, right?

You had put it all on it. Yeah, yeah, I put it on SoundCloud.
And then

um my manager reed who's still my manager to this day takes it off real quick because he sees it starting to garner like attention yeah and um we had a couple like suits reach out we've never been in contact with anybody like that i've been releasing music for five years at this point you know all over it any way i can get it i'm releasing it so then people start reaching out and

These dudes start flying from California to visit me in the jail. No, like, I'm not even kidding you.
I'm, I'm at the, like this type of shit.

Like, with this dude that's like, hey, Dominic, you ready to be a millionaire? And you're like, I'm homeless.

i'm not doing this for a penny under four million yeah you can take three million shove it in your

what had happened what had happened was my mom is in jail and my dad's in jail at this point for 20 years both they're facing 20 years because um my family this whole time my family they're huge heroin dealers

huge heroin traffickers my dad sean my stepdad sean's a heroin trafficker like we're all chilling at one point and we'd been doing this for years living in hotels selling coke whatever the it worked out it put me through school you know at the time and then they the doors all the doors get kicked down at our hotels and at our other houses and everyone's taken to jail.

Marshalls, you know, it's, it's in the news. I'm seeing them both.
I'm like, oh man, they're fucked, like 20 years each. So I'm in jail too.

And my sister's up for adoption because of this. And my brother's in jail.
And I need to get my sister out of adoption. I need to get my mom out of jail.
And I need to get my stepdad out of jail.

So, you know, each lawyer for them is 200 grand, 200 grand a piece. And then to get my sister out, I'm still paying for that to this day.
Wow. So I'm like

thinking about my position. And I'm homeless at the time.
You know, and I need

to. This is my work that y'all are buying.
So

all this is in my head, you know, at the time. And

it wasn't that I came up with like 4 million. It was just more like these dudes.
I could, I had never seen money over a thousand dollars.

So motherfuckers are like 200,000. I'm like, that sounds like a not real number, I guess.
Cool. I'm not pushing it up.
Another dude flies from another label, comes to the jail, says a bigger number.

And then I didn't even know this this was a thing. I tell that dude that the guy said a bigger number.
Yeah. This motherfucker goes with a bigger number.

I'm like, wow, this, I feel like I'm a, like, you know?

Yeah.

You're a Jerry Maguire. Jerry Maguire.
Yeah, dude, that made me so funny.

We get to the point where we're in LA and on top of the Columbia building or the Sony building because at this point, Rob Stringer's involved, like the dude who owns Sony.

He's like, all right, who's this motherfucker? Like, everyone's throwing this money around. Who's this guy? He comes to meet me.
We're in a meeting.

And at this point, I got my, like, I got the, I know how to do this money thing.

So I'm in the room and I'm like playing them songs. And they're like, oh, these are so good.
And then I'm like, yeah, well, you never know.

And I, and I'm about to walk out. And Rob Schringer's like, so what? Are we doing this or not? Cause he's a businessman.
He's like a real, I respect him so much.

He's like, are we doing this or not? I'm like, well, I don't know. And Ron's like, maybe we could.
And he's like, no, no more millions. Are we doing this right now? I'm like.

Yeah, I'll do it right now. And we just sign it and we pop a bottle of champagne on this rooftop.
It's me, Rob, and a couple of my friends.

And then I I go into the bathroom and I'm like, yeah, I got to piss because of all the champagne. And I'm looking at my phone, the bank account.
Shit, and I see the number jump at the urinal.

And then from then on, I just don't remember. It's been like seven years of

from episode 879 with Dove Cameron.

Were you having any

guilt

about being in Burbank? Yeah, I, I mean,

it was a weird thing because to be completely honest, I tried to mend my relationship with my dad a lot.

And I think there's this thing that happens with depression, a lot of people who are depressed, um, where they are perpetually pushing people away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And for the entirety of like 13 and 14 and 15, I was really trying to connect with my dad. I think, you know, he was always a depressive person.

Like my mom and him met and he was like, I'm super suicidal. And she was like, okay, I'm 20.
We're going to try to get you out of this, you know, like, boy. Yeah.
So, so it was always sort of

there. But I really, at 13 and 14 and 15,

I was really just like, I miss my dad. I know something's weird.

He doesn't answer when I call. Well, the most heartbreaking part for

it would seem to me is that you at least had the fantasy at all times. This will get repaired one day.
Yeah. I keep trying, but one day he's going to be feeling better and I can get it repaired.
Yeah.

Sorry. No.
And then they go, like,

oh, God, yeah, I'm not going to be able to repair that is fucking

really sad. Yeah, yeah, it's true.
It's,

it's, it's also like,

I think about this a lot because I was so young.

And

I like, I have a memory of him like coming to stay with us once in Burbank.

And I just remember like thinking all the color had left his face and I didn't know like he was drinking so heavily and all of that.

And I remember being like young enough, like 14, he was staying on like a little blow-up mattress or something in our living room.

And I just came out to like, like, he wasn't looking at me in the eye. Like, it was all this stuff that I like, didn't really, I thought he was mad at me.
Right. Yeah, yeah.

And I like came to like

say goodnight or like lay down next to him or something. And cause I was still like a very young 14, like I wasn't like a like mentally I was mature, but I was still like, I wasn't dating.

I was, I was very like my parents' kid and I was very insulated and like,

I don't know, maybe like very protected.

And I remember like laying down next to him just for a second to be like cuddle time, like routine. And he like didn't really move.

And I remember him being like, I think you should, you should go to bed. And I was like, and I remember receiving that as just like such a rejection that like he didn't want to,

and I, and I didn't know what it was. Like, I truly thought he was angry with me for something.
And, you know, when you're a kid, like, you blame yourself. Oh, of course.
Yeah.

You really blame yourself. And so I was like, maybe I'm behaving badly or something.
I didn't really get it. Or I would just feel guilty that I'm pursuing my own life.

Yeah.

Is he mad that I'm pursuing my own life? And I'm. I mean, he was always like kind of vaguely supportive, I guess.
Like, he was worried about me more than anything.

Like, he he was worried that I wasn't going to be able to survive in Hollywood and I knew that but he was never

like I the thing was I had gone back to see him after I had lived in LA for a year and I stayed like at our home for the summer in our at our family home and I I went because I wanted to spend the summer with my dad and I wanted to see him and we hadn't seen each other for so long and I remember him doing everything he could to get me to not stay with him.

Like he would send me to stay with my friends and I actually probably didn't want you to see him like that.

Yeah. Yeah.
And I remember, like, he was like a famously

tight-walleted man. Like, he was always like, you get $100 for clothes every year before school.
And if you grow out of them, that's your problem. Yeah.
You go secondhand shopping.

Six outfits out of this.

He's like, if you grow, that's your fucking problem. And then the rest, like, you have a sewing machine figured out.
And I was like, all right.

But he, the, the year, the, the summer that I stayed with him, I remember he was like just giving me money, money, like just cash money to get out of the house. And I was like, that's so bizarre.

And I, I didn't really realize that he had already sort of put a plan in place where it was like, he didn't need it anymore. No, he got rid of all of the animals.

He was getting rid of all of his money. God, isn't it weird to think of someone planning for that long? Something like that.
Yeah.

It kind of goes against my stereotype of it like overwhelming you in a moment as opposed to right.

Well, it might not have been as consciously planned as just like i i don't want anything like you're you've lost even the desire yes you've lost the desire to even care for anything or have anything i i still go back and forth on that because i found out later that he was paying like my friend's mom to

like get me groceries and all like basically was just like pawning me off on another family and i was so

i honestly just thought he was mad at me like i internalized it like for two years that he was just mad at me

and i was constantly trying to fix our relationship and reach out, and he just wasn't having it. Um,

and so I, I don't, I don't think at the time I felt guilty for being in LA so much as like, even when I was on the island, still

he was

not really wanting to see me. And so, I was kind of like,

I'm always here. I'm always wanting to be here.
Yeah, your side of the street was clean. And I found out also that like he had attempted

something

really publicly and my mom kept that from me and that was like a big sort of turning point in like my mental health was just being like what do i not know yeah is going on you know right right um and my mom was probably right to keep that from me but of course when i was like 14 or something i was like what the so i i really didn't know what to think of it like he the last thing he texted me was like i love you Chloe.

And then it was like, we got a call the next day. And it was like,

yeah, it's really crazy i i honestly don't like talk about it too much yeah understandably not because it's hard honestly because i i i do talk about it yeah but i talk about it with this kind of like here are the facts yeah you can disassociate

yeah so i went into therapy for the very first time like three years ago or two or whatever it was oh really wow

weirdly since i was in recovery for so long and i was like well i'm getting everything i need from there but whatever i did And yeah, I, I can tell you my story. I can tell anyone my story.
Yeah.

And it is, it's a a list. It's a timeline.
Yeah. It's like then this happened, then this happened.

And then in that therapy session, as I was talking to him, for the very first time, the emotions were attached to the timeline. Yeah.
And they just are not generally for me.

Yeah. So I can relate to like these moments where like, oh, okay, the emotions are here now with the story.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think also, like, I think also some, it's, it's really hard to,

a lot of the time, like trauma is very sensationalized.

i'm sure you know yeah i've become very protective of that over the years because i used to be much more open about speaking about it um i had a friend who died very publicly um

in the last few years and that was when i sort of tried to reorient a little bit my autonomy over like where what spaces i share that much What my therapist said to me is like, you know, some stuff you, you can keep for yourself, not because you're hiding it out of shame, but just it's yours to keep and you should keep it for yourself.

Like also having it for you in a weird way, which is a new concept.

Yeah, it's sort of the opposite of what we were talking about earlier, which I was actually going to say that like, I think it's actually okay, not out of shame, but when we were saying like sharing is important.

And of course it is, but it's okay to have things that are just yours. Yeah.

And it doesn't mean like it's your secret. It's just like, it's yours and you can protect yourself.
Well, that's your life is just like sliding that line back and forth.

And it's like, yeah, I felt comfortable with it here, and now I feel more comfortable with it here. And it'll probably change again.
And it's fine. There's not a right or a wrong.

It's just like, yeah, am I betraying myself? Do I regret it later? Right.

You did make me cry today, though, because I was seeing the tattoo that you got.

And I have little girls and I say that

same thing to them all the time.

Oh my God, you're going to make me cry.

That's so oh, and I was like, oh, my God, I can't.

Yeah, if they had to tattoo that

at some point because something went sideways. You know, it was just heartbreaking.
What is it? What is the tattoo? If you don't mind sharing, it says, we'll be friends forever,

which is just like the sweetest.

Oh, my God. I think I'm like almost every down the way.
I'm like, you know, we're going to be best friends for your rest of your life. Rest of my life.
Yeah.

Yeah, unless I get a procedure, hopefully.

Yeah, you are one lady.

Yeah, I'm like, we're fucking best friends from this day to the end. Well, and that's what it should be, right? Like, I was, I, I'm so like moved to hear you say that about your girls.

Cause I, oh, yeah. Because I, I truly was best friends with my dad.
Like, and he, he really like, he tried his best, you know.

There's probably equally sweet relationships, but I find it hard to believe there are.

Stay tuned for more armchair expert

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From episode 923 with Alexander Skarsgaard.

I was out here forever before I started working. Okay.
Like a pain. I booked the first audition I went to.
Zoolander? Yeah. That's fine.

Because then nothing happened for a long time American film-wise. We don't need to talk about that.
Let's just focus on the fact that I booked my first audition. Very Ashton.
Good share of you.

So it's one for one.

You should have booked that this meeting. Well, I did.
Oh, you did. I was working as a hot barista in Stockholm.
And then I came.

Dad was shooting a movie out here in LA, and we all came out just to visit. And

my dad's manager is just like, I'll send you out to an audition if you want. And it was for a Zoolander.
Yeah.

And I booked that baby. Wow.

I remember thinking, because again, I didn't have representation out here. I'd never been on audition.
I'd never auditioned in Sweden for anything.

I was just like, oh, I guess this is how Hollywood works. You walk into a room and Ben Stiller is sitting there.
And then you're like, all right,

let's go to New York. And then, you know, listen to a little wham and drive down and have a gasoline fight.

Wow. So then I went back to Stockholm.
And my dad's manager was like, all right, that went all right.

If you want to. We could build on that.
Yeah. If you should come back when, you know, you're done with your, whatever you're doing out there and we'll send you out some

coffees. Yeah.
Then it came out in, I think, 2003, maybe. Okay.
Incredibly naive thinking, like, all right.

All right, Hollywood. I finally decided.
You're welcome, Hollywood. Yeah, and here I am.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So find me at Starbucks on Sunset Boulevard. Come get me, Spielberg.

And he didn't. And no one else did either.
Yeah. Because Zoolander's 2001.
Yeah. And Generation Kills 2008.
We shot it in 2007. Okay.
Yeah. It came out in 2008.

So were you here the majority of those six years? Yes, sir. Yes.
Okay. This is what I want to live in because, again, I did that.
It's the most relatable part of your story.

Yeah.

I like to be relatable. Yeah.

But I didn't have on top of that. Well, my dad's great at it and he's really successful and I should be able to do this.
Was that a compounding

or was it fine? Or was it grueling? The dad

relationship wasn't really grueling or

that wasn't something that I felt that I

didn't feel like an external pressure to like live up to or or

reach his level of success. Or it was

it was hard because

I couldn't get a job. That was hard, you know? Yes.
And the fact that I came out of being very naive, thinking like, oh, it's super easy. Yeah.
And Zoolander was a great experience.

It was also like a super fun movie. Fuck yeah.
And then I found myself like auditioning for things that I didn't really like.

But I was also in a position where I had, I was at another agency then, um, and I was constantly worried that they would drop me because I wasn't booking anything. Yeah.

And you're like paying to get new headshots all the time. You're just kind of

and they, you know, pilot season, you would, I would audition a lot, not book anything. And then it would be like weeks without an audition.

So when they finally called and they're like, we have this job, job audition.

Even if I felt like this is terrible and I'm so not right for it. You had to do it.
Because then you had to do it. Because then like, I was constantly worried.
They would be like, well, you know what?

I think it's time for us to part ways.

And that's, I don't know if you've had to do that, but like auditioning for stuff that you don't believe in

and where you feel like you're completely wrong for it. You feel dirty in your soul.
Like it was horrible. Yeah.
You're already worried you're not good enough to do this job.

And then when you go in and try to put your square peg in that round round hole, it just is like, oh my God. You mix with, no, you think, sometimes you think you're too good to do it.

You're like, I'm better than this horrible piece of shit. And then you don't book it.
Yeah. And you're like, oh my God, what is this like? Yeah.

Yeah. And then you get from there to being like, well, I'm clearly not better than this horrible piece of shit.

I'm so wrong for it. And I know I'm not going to book it, but I still have to go into that room and be humiliated.
Yeah.

So I, yeah. Well, the first couple of years I went out with a bunch of friends from Sweden and we kind of had a little, we first we rented like a little pool house in Santa Monica.

So four of us lived in a small pool house of this Swedish lady. Yeah.
And then we rented a small apartment. But so we had each other.
I didn't know anyone else out here. Right.

So, and we were definitely not plugged into the city or the nightlife.

Okay. We would, yeah, on Saturdays, we would like play ping pong.

in our pool house in Santa Monica and drink beer and then take a cab into Hollywood to try to get get into a nightclub, knowing that we wouldn't get in. Yeah, four dudes on the board.
Turn around

and then happily get back in the cab and go back to Antonica and play more pain. Keep drinking beer, play more painful.
So that was like our weekend routine.

Having done that, do you ever now, like, this happened to me? I went to Craigs,

and

I, you know, there's so, do you ever go to Craigs? Have you ever been to Craigs in West Hollywood-ish? It's a restaurant, and there's always paparazzi there, and it's always like, it's a hot spot.

It's a hot spot. And I just imagine you going to Craig's now or coming out.
Like it'd be a frenzy. It'd be like a whole to do.

And I wonder how you can, can sort of reconcile that as someone who would just like stand in the line at the club and never be able to get in. And now they're like, they would die for you to come in.

Is that, can you like integrate that? No, I just remember after a couple of years, we met

a Swedish girl out here like, and, and she was plugged into the city and she was so nice. Yeah, she moved out of here when she was like 20, but she was very plugged into the city.
Okay.

And she would take pity on us. So she would, like,

I remember like, we would try to get into a nightclub, couldn't get in. And

my buddy called her and was like, Helena, do you know anyone here at the club? Can we get? And she's like, I'll be right down, boys. And then she would come down in her sweatpants to just like

sell the pointer to be like the bouncer. It's like, hey, can you let these guys in? Yeah.
And he's like, oh, all right, Helena. And then she would go back home.
So she wouldn't even go out.

Like, it was so sweet of her.

She knew that we spent years going like into clubs, not getting in,

back to Santa Monica to play ping pong. So a couple of times we did like, yeah, have the luxury of getting in somewhere.
I can tell you how I integrate it. I wanted that.
Yeah. And I have it.

And I love that. I love that when I drive by all these places that for years kind of haunted me, like I'd be afraid to even try to get in.
Yeah. Just knowing as I drive by, oh, they would let me in.

Yeah. I love that.
But I can't, and again, this is the young delog, the sweetest thing. I can't walk up to a bouncer.
Like if there's a line, I can't walk up and be like, what's up? Let me in.

Google me. Succession, bitch.
Dude, Google me. Yeah.

Google me. I dare you.

But you wouldn't have to. As soon as you get out of the car, they're going to be like, oh, oh, Alex is here.
We got to get him in.

Yeah, but the sweet of me would be like, I'm going to look down, back of the line, shut up, wait for your time, your turn to to get in. It's all wasted on you, really.
It is.

It really is.

Because I don't do it, but

I do know what it was like to be so on the outside. And when I drive by, I'm not even going to the places, but I just go like, oh, you could.

You moved here and you were looking at it and you couldn't have it. And you can't, you have it now.

What that was, I remember it being a conversation that we often had as we were like waiting for the cab to take us back to Santa Monica. We would be like,

in 10 years,

if we stand here on Santa Monica, Boulomar, you think we could get into any of these clubs? One day. That's the dream.
Will one of us be able to get the others in?

Can we leave Elena alone?

Can we let Elena sleep? Can we take her off the clock? Yeah.

Yeah. It's a weird thing to get to a certain, to get to that place here.
Yeah.

From episode 960 with Jennifer Aniston.

We're talking about kids, and and this might be a no-no, but I'm curious. Hit it.
You can ask me anything. Okay.

I froze my eggs

twice.

It went very badly. I did a podcast about it.
It was, you know, following the journey. It was a whole thing.
And I'm 38

and I am single and I'm, you know, feeling like

time to start making some big decisions. It kind of feels like now or never-ish-ish

to even try with some of those eggs and I'm starting to just feel like I think it's I think it's never and why

because

now like can I ask you a bigger question yes please

are you doing that the freezing yeah have you always wanted children I've always not known If you wanted them. Yes.

So it's never, it's not like we had Chelsea on that podcast, Chelsea Handler, who I know we both love. And she, you you know, she's kind of always been like, no, I don't.
It's very cut and dry.

No, it's not my thing. Not her thing.
And I like, I respect it and I wish I had that because it's not that. It's very much like, oh, but I do, like, I'm very close with their kids.

And it's like, oh my God, to have one of these that's mine. You know, you get kind of wrapped up in it.
But also, my life is also very full.

What you just said about all your friends and your life, I have the same thing. So it kind of feels like I

maybe it's okay that I don't. And I, I, I wonder you've said, like, you know, yeah, you're on the other side of that.
And I wonder if there's peace there. Oh, it's so peaceful.

You have, you're like, it's

so peaceful. But I will say,

well, there's a point where it's like, it's out of my control. There's literally nothing I can do about it.
Yeah. And when people say, but you can adopt.

I don't want to adopt. Yeah.
I would, I want my own DNA in a little person. Yes.
And that's the only way I'm selfish or not, whatever that is. I wanted it to come.
But is there the moments of,

well, this goes around into probably a topic I don't really want to talk, but discuss, but when you meet someone and you go, God, I would have, we would have made some good kids. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
So that might come up and then that'll pass within three seconds. Right.
Right. Right.
And then you're like, but guess what? You'll plan a trip to Mexico. Yeah.

You'll be on that trip. Just take a look at that vacation for five minutes and you're like, oh, good night.
Bye. See you later.
What are we going to watch? Yes. Okay, but you know,

so it's, it's, it's because it's a, it's like a, it's, it's a romanticizing, but once you are on the other side of it, there is definitely a, um,

yeah, because it's out of your, out of your control. Yeah.
Just wasn't in the plan, whatever the plan was. Exactly.
I do think some people, though, like, can't let it go. Let it go.

And I worry, I guess that would be me, but me, but hope. Come over and I'll help you let it go.
Okay.

I'll take that invite. Yes.
Yeah. It's a lot.
It's a lot. It is a lot.
And by the way, it's very emotional, especially in the moment when you get, when they say, oh, it's, that's it. Yeah.

It's there because there is a weird moment when that happens. Yeah.
It's getting too dark for this podcast. No, no.

But it's like, it's, there's a moment when you are, it's actually, oh, yeah, this is not even viable. Exactly.
So,

oh, that's probably a blessing and a curse. It probably hurts really bad.
Yeah. And then probably you move into acceptance mode, and it probably is liberating on the other side.
Totally.

I would guess. Yeah.
I ran into Sandler and Spade in the room right outside. And I knew Sandler from forever.
Uh-huh. You knew him pre-friends.
Yes. Oh, wow.

Because he was very good friends with Charlie Schlaughter, who played Ferris Bueller in the television version of Ferris Bueller's Dayoff. Wow.
You guys go so we met at Jerry's Deli in like 1912.

Okay.

1912. And then just before the Spanish War.
Just before. Right before.

So, yeah, so, and I don't know why I had this self-righteous attitude of like, I don't know if women are treated the way they should be treated on this show.

It's a very male-dominated, and I mean, I would love to be here if it was like in the Gilda Radner day.

I mean, this is what my semi,

the brain that semi-remembers things that are back that far. Yes.
Something like that. Okay.
I got, okay, that makes sense. And then, and then it was like, well,

I don't remember what happened in there. And then I, I can't remember, but I just remember friends then happened.
And then that's where I went. You really fucked up.
You chose wrong. You think so?

Oh my God. Yes.
Well,

shit. When people say regrets,

I could be interviewing you and I could be going, so you turned down friends for us.

And people would be like, oh, that would be the saddest thing.

Yeah, people. Yeah.
It all works out. It ultimately

don't think there's ever

everything is sort of planned. Meant to be.

From episode 846 with Adam Scott.

So obviously since then, you have done a ton of stuff, but severance is like the most spectacular thing.

And as you know, because Chris and I sent you voicemails

almost after every episode. Yes.
I'd like to play a couple of these.

Hey, so we're in bed and we just had a quick question. Hi, we just had a quick question.

Are you guys fucking drawing this new season? Is that what's taking so long? What in the goddamn hell is taking so long? These are the kind of messages you would receive after every episode.

You son of a bitch. You wanted the compliments? Well, here comes the fucking complaints.

Belle and I just sat here on the edge of our seat waiting to find out what happens when you guys come to you prick you piece of

prick and that goes for ben too losers oh buddy are we

pissed that this episode just ended when the switches were thrown so you wanted the cake And now you got to take the rat poison too, you piece of shit. Okay, so that's kind of an action.

Was that for the finale it was i think one before oh the one right yeah yeah yeah

and i just gotta just ended up being another thing it's gonna be a long fucking week for us

and for you yeah because we're waiting so either block my number or get used to this shit you you piece of shit

Okay, and then the last one. Quick update, you'd probably find funny.
My wife just ran through a plate glass window off the second story of our home and was rushed to the hospital.

You probably want to know if she's still alive. I will tell you next week.

I have all those on my phone as well.

I want to play your response, just one of your responses, which is so good. You can't imagine how much pleasure it gives me to have the both of you over a barrel like this.

I may as well tell you now that the entire season was created just to frustrate and destroy the both of you. Eat shit.

You're so fucked.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's cute. Yeah, there's a scene in the show, actually, where we were on the side of the road at the site of my wife's car accident in like the seventh episode.

And just by sheer coincidence, because we shot the whole season at once, it was on the one-year anniversary of my mom dying. Oh, wow.

Which was completely, and I didn't realize it till that day.

And so there were things like that where i could pretty directly just let out how you were feeling yeah and process when you shut the door to the apartment and you go

yeah we got some dealing to do yeah are you overcome with fear for that process or what's your reaction to knowing that like oh we're gonna go through some stuff now

And we're going to be by ourselves. Yeah.
And we're going to get into this.

I think that I'm a person who tries to compartmentalize and push things to a later date.

And so I think I busied myself with the getting ready for the show and the election was about to happen. And so I was preoccupied with that.
And, and so

I closed that door and was like, oh shit,

and really felt the loss right there. Like, oh, there is a giant elephant in this room with me, but it'll be there.
I'm here for eight months or whatever. It'll be there.

I'll be fine. And eventually, after a few weeks and just hours of alone time because no one was socializing, really.

And restaurants, you know, it was so weird

that

I really did have to figure it out there. And I didn't talk to a therapist while I was there, and I really should have.

I did kind of, in a way, sort of come to terms with it and come to terms with the fact that grief is something that is a flat circle in one way or the other.

It stays with you. And sometimes it feels like it happened 10 minutes ago.
And sometimes it feels like it happened 50 years ago. Yeah.

And sometimes it's surreal that that person is no longer in your life. It's just like unbelievable.
It's really hard to imagine someone exists and they don't.

As dumb and simple as that is to say, it is so weird that you can exist and then not exist. Yeah.
And someone that is so instrumental in who you are.

You know, I, one thing I did kind of realize is that as you know, this thing that I'm doing for a living,

one thing I realized is that

when she was gone,

I realized that

part of the reason

I was

doing this in the first place

was for her to see it. Yeah, yeah.
You know? Yeah, of course. Yeah.

And so

when that was gone, I was sort of like, well, who am I,

who am I going to impress? Yeah. You know? Yeah.
So I had to

straighten that out and sort of come to terms with the fact that

these feelings and this love that you have for a person and their love for you is

you know doesn't go anywhere it's it's still it's still here yeah it's kind of what you're made of yeah yeah yeah

like the structure of you is that that's right and a parent dying is sort of a big it's like part of the sky going away or something it's sort of a big thing well it's the thing you're most tethered to.

Yeah. So when my dad died, I had these conflicting feelings of like, A, he had become a dependent of mine.
And so we were in the same place. You're taking care of him.
Supporting him. Yeah.

So unfortunately, a lot of our conversations over those last few years were like, I need this.

It's just not a great dynamic.

Yeah. And then, you know, I lived with my mom primarily my whole life.
Yeah. And he, when he was dying, it was a lot of work for me.
So I had this conflicting, I felt a sense of relief when he died.

Yeah. And I was like, okay, this battle's over.
We got him through it without too much carnage. That's, that's a win.

And so I think I had like, I had a misleading sense of relief for a few months and then opened up the door to like, oh, I'm never going to chat with him again or I'm never going to, he's not going to see anything I do.

But. Through all of that, I was like, also, thank God it's not my mom.
Yeah. Because my mom for me is the thing you're talking about.

Like, Dax wants to live in the woods and fucking be annihilated drunk all day. And anything I've ever done positive was because my mom believed in enough

that I was a good boy and I needed to make her happy.

And so I've often thought, like, if she's not around for me to even think, what would she think? That feels like a very scary place for me to be in. Yeah.

I really rely on her to almost be my super ego. Yeah, just like in the back of your head, your mom is

this very unique station that it's so fucking thankless. Like, do you watch Naomi and I watch Chris? And I go, my God, Jesus Christ.

And meanwhile, I'm walking around like,

you know, and then they're like, dad, yeah.

I know, you know, that Nick Kroll special where he's just like, yes, moms are annoying. Yes.
And they are wife. It's so unfair.
Because they know you

so intimately well. Yep.
That's true. In a way that no one else does, not your dad, no one.
They just know. They were in your mind.

Well, they're who you were able to be scared in front of, vulnerable. Yeah.
Yeah.

I mean, even as an adult, you know, something would happen. Yeah.
I would call her.

And no matter how embarrassing, you know that that call is there. Yes.
You know? To your point, guaranteed I'm feeling better when I

get get off the phone with my mom. 100%.
She'd somehow find the silver lining

horrific. And give you the kernel of advice.
Whatever it is.

Yeah.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert

if you dare.

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From episode 864 with Mindy Kaling.

So interesting. I worked at The Office for eight years, loved the experience, largely male cast.

What I want to write about is about women who are ambitious and lust after people that they're not interested in.

Because then every subsequent show, The Sex Lives with College Girls, this new Cade Hudson show, it's all just about women who are trying to make the most of what they have and have sex and be successful.

The correlation from how I was in high school and what I didn't have is just expressed in those shows that I was able to do after The Office. But it's really interesting to me.

My shows have a lot of horny women. My friend Bijan Novak makes this joke that every trailer for any Mindy Kaling show has a hot man's torso in slow motion.
And I was like, how dare you?

That's incredibly reductive. That's not true.
And then it is true. Yeah.

Every trailer. That's great.
It's your turn. It's like Pauline Chalamay, Kate Hudson, Maitri Ramakrishnan, their head is turning.
And it's just like those 80s movies that they can't make anymore.

The National Lampoon movies where it's like a guy is following a a bouncing girl on the volleyball team. In Runny Point, she enters the coach's domain and he happens to be shirtless doing pull-ups.

I do a lot of pull-ups. Almost never shirtless.

I mean, that's a good point. You could give it a try.
That's a solid point. It might be better.
It was Jay Ellis. So Jay Ellis on your show and he's like, could I wear my sweatshirt for my pull-ups?

She'd be like, whatever makes you comfortable, Jay. But if it's all the same to you, for the story.
It's like having Jordan there and there's two sports on the table.

You could either film him playing ice hockey or play basketball. We should have him probably play basketball.
We should have him play basketball.

Yeah, we should get that top off and see how many pull-ups we and for the record JLS. He is a very funny part in this.
He's more than just a top body. But for the trailer.
Yeah, you got it.

You got to hook him. I'm still thinking about when Daz called me hot at the beginning.
Yeah, you're very hot. I follow you on Instagram and I often look at pictures of you and I go, she's so hot.

That's like really nice. I've told Monica that.
I'm not doing this for you. She's forgotten new information.
Well, that's the outcome you hope for when you post those photos. Of course.

And you think, oh, at the best, some anonymous pervert in the middle of the country thinks that, but to think a celebrity is thinking you're hot, that's pretty good.

I would guess many, in fact, most people think that. Hey, that's new and that feels nice.
Thank you. Okay, so you liked boys, but did you not have a boyfriend through high school?

No, not even through college. Now, this is really personal, but we just talked about mine.
And I got to bring you into it, Monica. Sure, because there becomes a point.

When I met Monica, she was 27, 8. Yes.
And as she she was approaching 30, I just started getting the sense maybe Monica hadn't. I probably told you.
Well, I asked you ultimately.

I said to Kristen, I don't think Monica's been with a dude. And she's like, yeah, I think she has.
And I'm like, I don't think so. And then I needed resolution to that kind of argument.

Professionally, you need to do that. Well, luckily, she didn't work for me.
That's true. At the time, we were just friends.
We argued about podcasts all the time. She hadn't.

And then my first thought was, Is it a religious thing? Right. Right.
Waiting for marriage. Yeah.
I was like, do you want to be married? Is it a religious thing? You kind of want to say yes.

There was a part of me that wanted to say, yeah, there's a real reason that I haven't. And there's a reason nobody wants to have sex with me.
It's because I'm waiting for marriage.

But no, I was just like, no, it just hasn't happened.

But then it becomes a thing, as Monica explained to me, where it's like, now you pass some point where you're like, oh my God, people are going to think this is weird about me.

Were you starting to have any of those fears? Yeah, you're describing the premise of the 40-year-old virgin.

Yeah, my first movie, which is good to hear that besides being just a funny comedy or like a speaking to a truth. In my mind, I said, this has to happen before I'm 24.

And I don't know whether I heard this afterwards or not, but I remember one of the great gifts that Tina Fey, I think, has given to us besides just being really funny.

And I love 30 Rock and just being such an amazing joke writer is I think at some point, and she's not someone who's super open, but she said in a book or something that she lost her virginity at age 24.

And I remember thinking, that's like a very nice thing to do. It's a gift.
To give some guideposts to nerdy women. She's beautiful, smart, happy marriage, beautiful daughters.

And I thought that was great because we can't all be Dax.

We can't all be 12 and fucking. Well, hold on, guys.
Don't make me the enemy. No, no, no.
I was in a hick town and I was super large and we were bored. No, no, no.

And I feel like I keep making you feel subconscious about it. But so I remember thinking that it happened before then.
Good for you. You're way ahead of me.
Did you? Monty Manny had this too.

There is an ambition. So if you do decide you're going to do something, anything in the world, you will figure out how to do it.
That's true. And I think you pretty much are like, I'm doing this.

It was like a ticking clock at one point. I was like, it really is time.
I wasn't like, I don't care who. Doesn't have to be the love of your life.
That was similar to how I felt.

I didn't need that, but I didn't want to have a random hookup. And then I was never in a relationship.
So I was like, how am I going to do it?

So one thing I think that's tricky about Indian culture is this idea that in my house, dating or any of that was pretty much forbidden. In high school, no one is dating.

By the way, not that anyone was coming after me or anything, but I also knew that it was not an option.

And then you're expected to sort of like go to college and then meet someone and know how to date and then fall in love and get married, but with what skills?

And everyone's already had five girlfriends that you're going to meet. I've not yet kissed somebody.
Right, exactly. Or even know how to be normal in romantic, intimate situations.

Forget even about sexual situations, situations when someone wants to go to the movies with you and you're like i only know how to do this with my female friend

yeah like i know how to go to the movie with my cousin

like getting the popcorn and the milk dods you've seen this probably people go into i think i just need to have sex right now right and so i didn't go through that but i now that i have three children definitely want to destigmatize this you know i do feel pretty indian and hindu in a lot of ways and i really want to instill that in my kids culturally but i do think what i want for them is to be like, yeah, you can go on a date or you can like somebody and talk to me about it.

Because I didn't love going into college being like, does a kiss with someone then mean we have to then take this all the way to its completion? Yeah. I didn't love that.

It's also a source of a lot of my comedic storytelling. Never have I ever is literally about a nerd who asks the hottest guy at school, would you have sex with me?

Growing up in the 80s and the 90s, and I think Dax were about the same age. Four years older than you, but then you are? Yes, yes, yes.
75.

Sorry. You go ahead and say sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry.

So sorry.

Are you 50? I just turned 50. Congratulations.
Thank you. That's a good one.
I made it. So in the 80s and the 90s, it felt like there was so many coming of age for this very specific kind of guy.

A geeky guy. Can't buy me love.
And then later, Jed did it with Super Bad.

And this is why I always feel like it's crazy when people can't watch things with subtitles because I'm like, my entire life was being able to relate to characters who look nothing like me.

I can do it easily. I'm very invested in Ross and Rachel, and we were on a break, and like, I can relate to them.
Yeah. And so it's crazy when people are like, I can watch Parasite.

What if they're dyslexic? First of all, I loved Parasite, but what if reading takes so much of your concentration, you're totally missing all the visuals? That's a separate situation. Okay.

And sometimes I find subtitles annoying too when I just want to relax. So I felt like that felt really untapped and fun.

This thing that I could relate to and wanting to do do shows and TV about that kind of stuff.

From episode 954 with Charlie Sheen.

Will you tell her about the time that you're visibly falling asleep on camera? Yeah, no, that was,

I don't know where that came from. I don't know.
I think I do. I think it came probably from,

you know, some sexual behavior

that I'd heard about.

But I'd never done it. Okay.
She's like, what the hell? No, I want to know.

I was filming a movie in Canada called Free Money. And I'd been, I've been going way too hard.
And I, it was, it was like midday and I had this scene in a cafe or a diner. Right.
Yeah.

And I was trying to get through it. And I kept, I get the dialogue just, you know, some days it's just, it's in a different language, right?

But it wasn't, it wasn't so much about the dialogue, it was about the level of fatigue.

And I thought I was keeping it together, you know, and the director between takes he walks up and he says, hey man,

I

see you falling asleep on camera. Oh my God.

Yeah, and I've never done heroin, right?

And that's like a heroin thing, right? Nothing off. Boom, whoa, or even Suboxone, right? Yeah.

Which is like,

you know, contemporary methadone. Yes.
Yes. I'm telling her.
And she's your co-host. She knows she knows.
She doesn't know how Suboxone. I mean, I do.

I've seen all these drug documentaries I know about.

and over-prescribed everywhere on planet Earth and needs to, right?

Needs a closer look at that shit, right?

And so I said, okay, oh, shit. All right, my bad.

I need a cup of ice. Bring me a cup of ice.
He's like, okay,

what do you want to drink? What do you want to drink? I'm like, just the ice.

And he's like, okay, I said, give me a minute. So I go into the bathroom.
I'm like, okay, I heard about this somewhere else, but for sexual reasons,

I'm going to to stick an ice cube up my butt. No.
Yeah, and I'm pretty sure, and it was a good size one.

I didn't want it to melt. You got one of those big round ones they make for whiskey.

If I see it in the cup, I'm like, no, no, no. I need a rocket ball-sized piece of ice.

Can you imagine?

Yeah, and I and I keistered it like I was sneaking drugs into prison, right? And

freaking

and was suddenly wide awake because it was so uncomfortable. It was so fucking good.
It was so cold. Not to mention the cocktail.

Yeah, also the leaking. Yeah, you're just leaking.
You're not peeing. Right, but I think

I was in like a conductor's jumpsuit. You know, the overall thing.
Yeah, that's what I think. That just tells you the quality of the movie, right?

And I came back to Sat and I'm like, let's do this. You're so hilarious, man.

Monica, there's footage of these takes in the movie, which is incredible. Yeah.
And then I've got sort of the melty clock going, right? Like, how many takes is he going to need, right?

And

we got through it. And I think

after that, I wasn't like, oh, I better go get the ice cube out

because we've all, you know, thought about like the perfect crime. You know, you shoot somebody with an ice cube.
Oh, yeah, you gotta get it.

And then there's no ballistics.

So I'm like, okay, it's just going to vanish.

There will be no ballistics in this crime scene, right? And so, and so we made the day. But

when I saw that scene in the dock, I'm like, why didn't they just send me home? Right. You know, exactly.

That guy's not well.

Yeah, that guy's not well. You know, dad and I go down to take part in a TV show that's pitched

actors against athletes, and the card we drew was Michael Jordan.

So we're, it's a two-on-one. It's a two-on-one versus Jordan.
It's a three-part competition. It's a, it's throw throws, a game of horse, and then a two-on-one.

Oh, no. Wait till you hear how it plays out, Monica.
I mean, you want to know or you just want to watch it. No, I want to to know.

She loves Jordan.

We beat him. Not only did he.
No, no, no, no, no. Not only did he.

How is this possible? Not only did he beat him, this is where he has these absolute, like,

mythical strokes of magic.

He hit eight. Charlie hit eight free throws in a row.

Did you play basketball? No, I played baseball, but I shot with dad in the backyard like my whole life growing up. Yeah.
Get an 18-foot jumper in the two-on-two to steal it. To win the game.

This is

not a normal shit.

He gets out of treatment. He is dead.
He's dead. One of his times getting out of treatment, dad picks him up.
He wants to just watch baseball. He loves baseball.

They stop by this place and there's grown men playing a game of baseball in a league. And because they're them, they all of a sudden they let Charlie take a nap back.

First swing, out of treatment, life's over. Home run.

Of course you're confused. Exactly.
You're not Of course you're confused. You've got like superpowers and then you're superhuman all the time.
I mean, you're extra human and you have super powers.

This is too much to like be holding all at once. But on the drive back from the Jordan thing, I've got the scene with me

because I know that like on Tuesday or maybe even Monday, I have to report back and do this thing. Yes.

And so I read it with dad in the limo, just having done the Jordan thing, working on Bueller, right?

And he, he, we read it once. I didn't didn't do anything with it.
And he stopped me and said, that's, that's it. You've nailed it.
And I was confused. I was like, I, I didn't, I didn't, I did nothing.

Yeah. And he said, it took me 30 years to learn how not to do that.

Yeah, it was a trip. Wow.
So that's kind of what I walked in with.

And, and I was really hoping that Hughes was going to be okay with this giant, you know, very specific piece of advice. Yeah.
You know, and he was.

Yeah. And he was.
But of course, on the day I overslept and I was two hours late and it was really oh yeah it was awful

yeah when he gets the job

this is this is this is again this is an easy theory to make and i want you to tell me if you think there's anything realistic to this which is these things come incredibly easy to you and something about the subconscious goes this isn't right yeah and and we're gonna fix it and the way we fix it is we're gonna destroy it right sure

some self-sabotage sure but this was i think before

oh yeah yeah but there's an inkling of it. It's like, how were you on time to get the job? You get the job too easy.
You go win a game with Jordan. Somehow you can't fucking wake up on time.

That's a good point. Why can't you wake up on time?

You weren't late for the thing. Yeah, that's you weren't late for that.
Yeah.

You know, you got that too easy. And now we're like, you have a reason, but it's suspicious.
Yeah, it is suspicious. Even sitting here today.
It doesn't make sense. Yeah.

And a lot of your stuff doesn't make sense.

You can't draw it up. Right.
You can't plan it, you know?

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