The Juniper Tree

Think you know your breaking point?

If you're a woman with weak bones due to osteoporosis after menopause, sadly, you may not.

Women can lose up to 20% of their bone density within five to seven years after menopause, making bones weaker and more likely to break.

And after the first fracture, we're five times more likely to break another bone within a year.

It could happen from a simple slip or just bending to lift a bag of groceries.

Don't wait for a breaking point.

Visit bonebreakingpoint.com to learn about how osteoporosis medications can reduce the risk of fractures.

What does Zinn really give you?

Not just smoke-free nicotine satisfaction, but also real freedom to do more of what you love, when and where you want to do it.

Why bring Zinn along for the ride?

Because America's number one nicotine pouch opens up all the possibilities of right now.

With Zinn, you don't just find freedom, you keep finding it.

Find your Zen.

Learn more at Zinn.com.

Warning, this product contains nicotine.

Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

Hello, and welcome to Citation Deed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now.

I'm Noah and I'm going to be leading story time this week.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find any drag queens, so I had to find these disreputable people instead, specifically Heath, Eli, and Tom.

Okay, I'm bad at whispering.

Sorry.

I'm bad at whispering.

Oh, you can't find a drag queen in Waycross, Georgia, but you can find someone drinking booze from an ass luge on camera.

Yes, no, that's what my town's known for.

And before we get going, I love the people who are learning that for the first time.

And before we get going, I want to remind you that Cecil expects us to still have patrons when he gets back from Norway.

And given Tom's last essay, who the fuck knows where we're going to be by the time this one goes out?

So it's cool.

It's hard to get back from Norway, as I understand it.

So if you'd like to help keep us from getting in trouble with Cecil, be sure to stick around at the end of the show, find out how.

And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person, place, think, concept, phenomenon, or event are we going to be talking about today?

We're going to be talking about the Juniper Tree by the Brothers Grimm.

Are you gonna read us the tale?

Indeed, I am.

This is allegedly a fairy tale for little kids in Germany in the early 1800s.

Yeah, no, German kids from the 1800s turned out great.

All right, the Juniper Tree.

It is now long ago, at least 2,000 years, since there was a rich man who had a beautiful and pious wife.

Weird thing to open with,

and they loved each other dearly.

They had, however, no children, though they wished for them very much, and the woman prayed for them day and night, but still they had none.

Now there was a courtyard in front of their house, in which was a juniper tree, and one day in winter the woman was standing beneath it, paring herself an apple, and while she was paring herself the apple she cut her finger, and the blood fell on the snow.

Ah said the woman, and sighed heavily, and looked at the blood before her, and was most unhappy.

Ah, if I had but a child as red as blood and as white as snow.

And while she thus spoke, she became quite happy in her mind, and felt just as if that were going to happen.

Fuck, gave birth to a candy cane.

What color are people again?

Yeah, right?

There's a lot of answers to that question, Eli, and we do not want Heath answering anything.

That's true.

That's fair.

That's true.

That's fair.

Bullet points, not a numbered list, Heath.

Then she went into the house, and a month went by, and the snow was gone, and two months, and then everything was green, and three months, and then all the flowers came out of the earth.

We know how seasons work, story.

Yes, the seasons.

And four months.

All right.

And then all the trees in the wood grew thicker, and then the green branches were all closely entwined.

And the birds sang until the wood resounded, and the blossoms fell from the trees.

There we go.

Noah, seasons.

This paragraph makes a lot more sense if you're picturing a parent stalling while they were

sleeping.

Then the fifth month passed away.

Okay.

And she stood under the juniper tree, which smelled so sweetly that her heart leapt, and she fell on her knees and was beside herself with joy.

And when the sixth month was over, the fruit was large and fine, and then she was quite still.

I made sure she was under a tree for a month, too.

Yeah, right.

And then the seventh month, she snatched at the juniper berries and ate them greedily.

Then she grew sick and sorrowful.

Of course.

Then the eighth month passed, and she called her husband to her and wept and said, If I die, then bury me beneath the juniper tree.

Then she was quite comforted and happy until the next month was over.

And then she had a child as white as snow and as red as blood.

And when she saw it, she was so delighted that she died.

I don't think that's a level of delighted yeah, I feel like it was more than three months under the tree than yeah, right

I Was gonna marvel at being so happy it kills you, but this is a woman so far awestruck by cutting herself and the existence of spring which she presumably

Then her husband buried her beneath the juniper tree and he began to weep sorely After some time, he was more at ease, and though he still wept, he could bear it.

And after some time longer, he took another wife.

It's been three hours.

You think anyone's still watching?

By the second wife, he had a daughter named Marlinshin.

Hey,

did you make that name up on the spot?

Marlinschen

desk computer.

Marlinshin.

But the first wife's child was a little son, and he was as red as blood and as white as snow.

Yeah, and he got a job as one of those living signs.

He just slowly rotated himself outside the barber shop.

Yeah, right.

When the woman looked at her daughter, she loved her very much.

But then she looked at the little boy, and it seemed to cut her to the heart.

For the thought came into her mind that he would always stand in her way.

And she was forever thinking how she could get all the fortune for her daughter.

And the evil one one filled her mind with this till she quite hated the little boy and slapped him here and cuffed him there until the unhappy child was in continual terror.

For when he came out of school, he had no peace in any place.

Jesus, imagine how much you had to hit your kid for 19th-century Germans to judge you.

One day, the woman had gone upstairs to her room and her little place.

Her daughter went up to and said, Mother, give me an apple.

Yes, my child, said the woman, and gave her a fine apple out of the chest.

But the chest had a great, heavy lid with a great, sharp iron lock.

Mother, said the little daughter, is brother not to have one too?

Oh, yeah, we definitely need to lock up the apples in a ye oldie safe deposit box in the bedroom.

That's important.

It's a weird situation.

Continuing.

This made the woman angry, but she said, Yes, when he comes out of school.

And when she saw from the window that he was coming, it was just as if the devil entered into her, and she snatched at the apple and took it away again from her daughter, and said, You shall not have one before your brother.

Then she threw the apple into the chest and shut it.

Then the little boy came in the door, and the devil made her say to him kindly, My son, will you have an apple?

And she looked wickedly at him.

Mother, said the little boy, how dreadful you look.

Yes, Yes, give me an apple.

Okay, you look pretty murdery right now, but candy hasn't been invented, and I really want that apple.

I'm not trying to excuse it, but I feel like his tendency to respond to treats with snide remarks about her physical appearance has something to do with all that slapping and cuffing.

And he was a lot of suspect, then he was like, yeah, but I definitely want the apple.

I still want the apple.

Then it seemed to her as if she were forced to say to him, come with me.

And she opened the lid of the chest and said, Take out an apple for yourself.

And while the little boy was stooping inside, the devil prompted her, and crash she shut the lid down, and his head flew off

and fell among the red apples in the children's story I'm reading right now.

Was he grabbing the apple with his mouth?

Was he barking?

Then she was overwhelmed with terror, and thought, If I could but make them think that it was not done by me.

She went upstairs to her room, to her chest of drawers, and took a white handkerchief out of the top drawer and set the head on the neck again.

Like in dumb and dumber?

Yes, like in dumb and dumber, and folded the handkerchief so that nothing could be seen.

I feel like something could be seen.

And she set him on a chair in front of the door and put the apple in his hand.

Okay, do you guys think there was a moment where she was like trying to bounce and she kept falling and she was like,

Okay,

pretty funny.

I get it, though.

When I was a kid, if I broke something, I try to kind of like put it back so the next person who touched it would think they chopped the head off a little kid with a presumably razor-sharpened guillotine apple box lid.

This is very relatable.

I feel like somebody's going to be like, hey, why are all the apples bloody?

We're in Germany.

After this,

Marlensten came into the kitchen to her mother, who was standing by the fire with a pan of hot water before her.

Which she was constantly stirring round.

Just make it sound.

Mother, said Marlonsten, brother is sitting at the door, and he looks quite white and has an apple in his hand.

I asked him to give me the apple.

He's so diagonal.

I asked him to give me the apple, but he did not answer me, and I was quite frightened.

Yeah, what she's not saying is that she shook him, and then when his head fell off, she too balanced it back on the neck and just like walked away whistling.

Okay, all right, so if this ends with everybody in the house thinking that they're the one that beheaded the kid and nobody trying to notice, this is my favorite fucking story ever.

Okay, that would have been amazing.

Spoiler, it's not what happened.

I'm writing that fucking dibs on that story.

Go back to him, said her mother.

And if he will not answer you, give him a box on the ear.

Just a light push.

I love my daughter so much, I'm setting her up for murder.

So Marlington went to to him and said brother give me the apple but he was silent and she gave him a box on the ear on which his head fell down Marlinchen was terrified and began

The brothers grim need to add Eli's talking in the background and screaming.

Yeah.

Marlinchin was terrified and began crying and screaming and ran to her mother and said, Alas, mother, I have knocked my brother's head off.

And she wept and wept and could not be comforted.

Superhero origin story?

Marlinchen, said the mother, what have you done?

But be quiet and let no one know it.

It cannot be helped now.

We will make him into black puddings.

Oh, but we could eat him.

Why don't we just

what?

That's a weird go-to.

Then the mother took the little boy and chopped him into pieces, put him into the pan, and made him traumatizing moment by moment by moment.

Made him into black puddings.

But Marlinchen stood by weeping and weeping.

Because she's not a psychopath.

Well, yeah.

And all her tears fell into the pan, and there was no need of any salt.

Well,

talk about fighting the bright side.

So,

do you guys think he tasted like peppermint?

Well, he always was curiously strong.

I feel like Michelin Mann should have been a little more suspicious that mom had a murder dish recipe at the red restaurant.

Then the father came home and sat down to dinner and said, But where's my son?

And the mother served up a great dish of black puddings, and Marlinschen wept and could not leave off.

Then the father again said, But but where is my son?

I already answered that if you can believe that.

One thing at a time, I'm going to deal with Marlinshin's hysterical weeping.

Ah, said the mother, he has gone across the country to his mother's great uncle.

He will stay there a while.

And what is he going to do there?

He did not even say goodbye to me.

Oh,

he wanted to go and ask me if he might stay six weeks.

He is well taken care of there.

Now, hush with the third degree and eat several dozen pounds of black pudding.

Ignore all the weeping from your daughter.

Snitchin' chin over here.

Heads will roll in this house.

She doesn't cut it out.

There's going to be seconds.

Well, dad apparently thought it's fine.

Ah, said the man, I feel so unhappy.

It's not right what he's done.

He ought to have said goodbye to me.

With that he began to eat and said, Marlinshen, why are you crying?

Your brother will certainly come back.

Then he said, Ah, wife, how delicious this food is Give me some more.

And the more he ate, the more he wanted to have.

And he said, Give me some more.

You shall have none of it.

It seems to me as if it were all mine.

And he ate and ate and threw all the bones under the table until he had finished the whole.

You hear that, everybody?

If you don't share, you might eat your son yourself.

I just pictured him pulling out his son's whole skeleton with skull like a cartoon cat eating a sardine.

Well, you would have figured he would start pulling out hand bones and shit, going,

his

in the pudding.

But Marlinshin went away to her chest of drawers and took her best silk handkerchief out of the bottom drawer and got all the bones from beneath the table and tied them up in her silk handkerchief.

How fucking big was her handkerchief?

Pretty big, it appears.

And she carried them outside the door, weeping tears of blood.

Nice.

Then the juniper tree began to stir itself, and the branches parted and moved together again, just as if someone was rejoicing and clapping his hands.

At the same time, a mist seemed to arise from the tree.

That is the sound of clapping.

Thank you, somebody.

Who's doing the foley here?

I'm doing the folly for the park.

Oh, is that mist?

That was mist there.

I was helping.

And then somebody moved a saw back and forth.

It's just my daughter in there.

that was my one for the year.

It actually worked.

Wow.

All right, Mystic River fits for Juniper Tree.

Noted, continuing.

And in the center of the mist, it burned like a fire.

And a beautiful bird flew out of the fire, singing magnificently.

And he flew high up in the air.

And when he was gone, the juniper tree was just as it had been before, and the handkerchief with the bones was no longer there.

Marlinschen, however, was as gay and happy as if her brother were still alive, and she went merrily into the house and sat down to dinner and ate.

I am entirely unclear why that cheered her up.

Yeah, but was there a different non-hymn dinner too?

I was pretty sad about my brother, but then a tree vogued at me and I'm

like,

oh, it's not so bad after all.

But the bird flew away and lighted on a goldsmith's house and began to sing.

And Eli, as I understand it, you got a BFA in bird noises at the most prestigious drama school in the country.

Do you mind doing the honors of the bird song?

Number one dream school, thank you.

That's what I said.

I want to point out that a British chick won the NYC Pigeon Impersonation Contest, so maybe you overpay.

Okay, the song of the bird.

My mother, she killed me, my father, he ate me, my sister, little merchant, gathered together all my bones, tied them in a silken handkerchief, laid them beneath the juniper tree.

Keep

what a beautiful bird am I?

Okay, that was a really good weird magic murder bird.

I'm pretty impressed.

Thank you.

All right.

Well, fucking spoiler alert bird is about to ruin the whole fucking story.

So before he can manage that, we're going to take a quick break for some apropos of nothing.

Hey, Jacob Wilhelm, you guys got a second?

Of course.

Yeah.

How is our favorite editor doing?

Oh, pretty good.

Pretty good.

Hey, so I'm looking through this book of stories you guys gave me.

Yeah?

Yeah.

There's a lot of um

lot of murder in there.

Oh, yeah, well, it's old timey times.

Right, right.

But people still love kids.

I feel like people loved kids, right?

Even in the old timey times.

Right.

Well, probably.

Anyway, my point is, do any of these stories have anything to do with the thumping I hear from your basement whenever I come over?

You'll stay out of the basement.

Ask about the basement.

Right?

Got it.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, buddy.

That's not going to work.

Hey, Eli.

What you doing?

Oh, hey, Ethan.

I'm just looking over Cecil's vacation itinerary.

Okay, wait.

Cecil sent you his itinerary?

No, but he sent it to his wife, and I cloned her phone a couple of years ago.

I'm just, I'm worried he's wasting too much time cooking.

He's cooking on vacation?

Yeah.

I get not wanting to break the bank or eat badly, but he should just try factor.

Wait, what's factor?

Factor's chef-crafted dietitian-approved meals are ready to eat in two minutes, taking the hassle out of eating well.

Two minutes?

That sounds amazing.

It is.

And with 45 weekly menu options, you can pick gourmet meals that fit your summer gains and goals.

I don't know, guys.

Have you actually tried it?

I sure have.

I love how Factor helps me stick to a heart-healthy diet even on a busy work schedule.

That's why I, No Illusions, personally endorse Factor.

All right, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

Get started at factormeals.com/slash citation50off and use the code citation50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box.

That's code citation50off at factorymeals.com slash citation50off for 50% off plus free shipping.

Factory meals.com slash citation50off.

All right, guys, thanks.

Man, he's been in his hotel room for a while.

Hope he doesn't miss his walking tour.

How do you hair tag in his fanny pack?

Got it.

Okay.

Top Top reasons your career wants you to move to Ohio.

So many amazing growth opportunities, high-paying jobs in technology, advanced manufacturing, engineering, life sciences, and more.

You'll soar to new heights, just like the Wright brothers, John Glenn, even Neil Armstrong.

Their careers all took off in Ohio, and yours can too.

A job that can take you further and a place you can't wait to come home to.

Have it all in the heart of it all.

Launch your search at callohiohome.com.

What does Zin really give you?

Not just hands-free nicotine satisfaction, but also real freedom.

Freedom to do more of what you love, when and where you want to do it.

When is the right time for Zen?

It's any time you need to be ready for every chance that's coming your way.

Smoke-free, hassle-free, on your terms.

Why bring Zinn along for the ride?

Because America's number one nicotine pouch opens up something just as exciting as the road ahead.

It opens up the endless possibilities of now.

From the way you spend your day to the people you choose to spend it with, from the to-do list right in front of you to the distant goal only you can see.

With Zend, you don't just find freedom, you keep finding it again and again.

Find your Zend.

Learn more at zinn.com.

Warning, this product contains nicotine.

Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

And we're back when we last left off.

A murdered child who has turned into a magical bird flew to a goldsmith to sing a murder song.

Is the introduction I've now given, my friend Heath Enright?

Heath, take it away.

Thanks.

Cool.

The goldsmith was sitting in his workshop making gold chain when he heard the bird which was singing on his roof.

And very beautiful the song seemed to him.

He stood up, but as he crossed the threshold, he lost one of his slippers, but he walked right up the middle of the street with one shoe on and one sock.

He had his apron on, and in one hand he had the gold chain, and in the other, his pincers, and the sun was shining brightly on the street.

Then he went right over and stood still, and said to the bird, Bird, how beautifully you can sing.

Sing me that piece again.

Oh, please tell me the bird shits on him.

And the bird said, No,

I'll not sing it twice for nothing.

Give me the golden chain, and then I will sing it again for you.

Weird that he wants bling for solving his own murder.

There, said the goldsmith, there is the golden chain for you.

Now sing me that song again.

Then the bird came and took the golden chain in his right claw and went and sat in front of the goldsmith and sang the song.

My mother, she killed me, my father, she ate me, my sister, little merchant.

Gathered together all of my bones, tied them in a silken handkerchief, laid them beneath the jernibray.

Queen Quint, what a beautiful bird am I?

Then the bird flew away to a shoemaker, Eli Get Ready, and lighted on his roof and sang the song.

My mother, she killed me, my father, she ate me, my sister, little merchant.

Gathered together all my bones, tied them in a silken handkerchief, laid them beneath the juniper tree.

Queen Queen, what a beautiful bird am I?

The shoemaker heard that and ran outside before even putting on a coat.

And he looked up at his roof and was forced to hold his hand before his eyes lest the sun should blind him.

Bird, said he, how beautifully you can sing.

Then he called in at his door.

Wife, just come outside.

There is a bird.

Look at the bird.

He can sing so well.

Okay, not to be too pedantic about things, but I'm not sure the quality of the singing would be what amazed me about a bird singing a song in my own native tongue about a boy being murdered in the first person.

Yeah, yeah, it's like, oh, nice song, bird, a little pitchy though, bro.

Yeah, yeah.

See, I feel like you're burying the lead a bit here, as all.

Then he called his daughter and children and apprentices, boys and girls, and they all came up the street and looked at the bird and saw how beautiful he was and what fine red and green feathers he had.

Not red and white?

What the fuck?

Yeah, which game could have been on them.

You mean Christmas?

Jesus, you blazing fox.

And they saw how like real gold his neck was.

Oh, that's the eyes.

That's amazing.

How his eyes

shone like stars.

Bird, said the shoemaker, now sing me that song again.

And the bird said, Nah, I do not sing twice for nothing.

Let's give me something.

Nah, fuck it.

Song wasn't that good.

I'm just going to pirate it.

Yeah, I feel like the bird asking for payment would be as impressive, though, right?

So you just feel like, never mind.

You see what I'm saying, though?

Wife, said the man, go to the garret.

On the top shelf, there stands a pair of red shoes.

Bring them down.

Then the wife went and brought the shoes.

There, bird, said the man, now sing me that piece again.

Then the bird came and took the shoes in his left claw and flew back on the roof and sang the same song again.

Bradley Cooper rolls down the window, traces the nose as the bird.

And once he had sung it, he flew away.

In his right claw, he had the chain and the shoes in his left, and he flew far away.

Should have asked for a bed.

Fucked.

Flew far away to a mill.

And the mill went, clip clap, clip clap, clip clap.

And in the mill sat 20 miller's men hewing a stone and cutting.

Hick hack, hiccack, hiccup.

And the mill went clip clap, clip clap, clip clap.

You couldn't think of a third fucking noise thing?

You gotta picture a parent whose kid is still not asleep.

It all makes sense.

And the mill went, Marlon, shouldn't use that.

Fuck.

Then the bird went and sat on a lime tree, which stood in front of the mill.

And the bird sang, my mother, she killed me.

Then one of them stopped working.

My father, he ate me.

Then two more stopped working and listened to that.

He's doing the worm now.

You got a picture of him doing the worm.

Sister, little more than

four more stopped doing the robot.

Gather together all my boats.

Tied them in a silken handkerchief.

Now eight only were hewing.

Only five.

The juniper tree.

And now only one.

Ka-wee, ka-wee, what a printer, beauty.

The last five guys are all like, what was the first half of the song about?

It's got to be really awkward.

Everybody else is just wowed, and there's like at least a couple of guys going, fucking what?

Did you have to sing this a bunch of times?

Now are you super fast?

I couldn't really hear all those links.

Then the last stopped also and heard the last words.

Bird, said he, how beautiful you sing.

Let me too hear that.

Sing that once more for me.

And the bird said, Nay, I will not sing twice for nothing.

Give me the millstone, and then I will sing again.

Yes, said he, if it belonged to only me, you should have it.

Yes, said the others, if he sings again, he shall have it.

Then the bird came down, and the twenty millers all set to work with a beam and raised the stone up.

And the bird stuck his neck through the hole and put the stone on as if it were a collar, and flew on to the tree again and sang the song again.

Necklace, shoes,

500-pound rock.

Am I going for flavor pain?

I feel like the fabled disabling power of having a millstone around your neck must be greatly exaggerated from this.

I just.

Obviously.

And when he was done singing, he spread his wings, and in his right claw, he had the chain.

You guys see that?

And

his left, the shoes.

Pretty cool.

And round his neck, the millstone.

Fucking heavy.

And he flew far away to his father's house.

I feel like mostly he rolled, but

whatever.

In the room sat the father, the mother, and Marlinchen at dinner, and the father said, How lighthearted I feel.

How happy I am.

Now that my son is gone, and I have no way to reach him, and I just ate his body weight and pudding full of bones.

Trolley, tra la.

Oh, what a glorious day.

Nay, said the mother, I I feel so uneasy, just as if a heavy storm were coming.

Foreshadowing the enemy!

Marlinshin, however, sat weeping and weeping.

Okay, which makes the visual amazing since dad's like, boy, am I happy.

And such a dick, but the daughter's just there openly weeping.

And he's like, wow, this is a great day out, huh?

And then came the bird flying.

And as it seated itself on the roof, the father said, Ah, I feel so truly happy, and the sun is shining so beautifully outside, I feel just as if I were about to see some old friend again.

Now quit crying and fucking it up

Nay, said the woman, I feel so anxious, my teeth chatter, and I seem to have fire in my veins.

And she tore her bodice open.

I did not expect Grimm to be such a bodice ripper, right?

But Marlinchen sat in a corner crying, and held her apron over her eyes and cried till it was quite wet.

Then the bird sat on the juniper tree and sang My mother, she killed me.

Then the mother plugged her ears and shut her eyes, and would not see or hear.

But there was a roaring in her ears, like the most violent storm, and her eyes burned and flashed like lightning.

My father, he ate me.

Ah, mother, says the man, that is a beautiful bird.

He sings so splendidly, and the sun shines so warm, and there is a smell just like cinnamon.

Weird reaction to that opening stanza, right?

Okay, you guys still aren't getting it.

Okay, um, my sister little Marlingchen!

Then Marlingchen laid her head on her knees and wept without ceasing.

But the man said, I am going out.

I must see the bird quite close.

All right, your mom's rolling around on the ground, clutching her eyes, and your organs are in your lap.

I'm gonna do a I'm gonna do a lap of the block

Oh, don't go said the woman I feel as if the whole house were shaking and on fire But the man went out and looked at the bird and the bird sang the rest of the song and the man being clinically stupid still didn't get it

On this the bird let the golden chain fall and it fell exactly round the man's neck and so exactly round that it fitted beautifully.

Then he went in and said, Just look what a fine bird that is, and what a handsome gold chain he has given me, and how pretty he is.

But the woman was terrified, and fell down on the floor in the room, and her cap fell off her head.

Then sang the bird once more, My mother, she killed me.

If only I were a thousand feet beneath the earth, so as not to hear that.

Spoiler, my father, he ate me.

Then the woman fell down again, as if dead.

My sister, little Marlinchin.

Said Marlinchin.

I too will go out and see if the bird will give me anything.

And she went out.

It is, after all, specifically singing my weird-ass name.

Get it together, all of my boats.

Tie them in a soak a handkerchief.

Then he threw down the shoes.

There you go, bitch.

Lay them beneath the juniper tree.

Koo-eek, koo-eek.

What a beautiful bird am I.

Then Then she was light-hearted and joyous, and she put on the new red shoes, and danced and leaped into the house.

Ah, said she, I was so sad when I went out, and now I am so light-hearted.

That is a splendid bird.

He has given me a pair of red shoes.

Moral of the story, take your little mental health walk, people.

Well, said the woman, and sprang to her feet, and her hair stood up like flames of fire.

I feel as if the world were coming to an end.

I too will go out and see if my heart feels lighter.

And as she went out the door, crash!

The bird

threw down the millstone on her head and she was entirely crushed.

And oh by the way, this is where the brothers grim chicken out on the fucking onomatopoeia, right?

Was this

fucking splooze here?

Come on.

They didn't have scrunch technology yet, I guess.

The father and and Marlinchen heard what had happened and went out, and smoke, flames, and fire were rising from the heaviness of the stone from the stone.

And when that was over, there stood the little brother.

And he took his father and Marlinchen by the hand, and all three were right glad.

And they went into the house for dinner and ate.

The end of that story for children.

Any of that blood pudding left over?

You guys are gonna laugh!

All right, so just to recap, stepmom chopped off the son's head, propped it back on with a handkerchief, tricked the daughter into thinking she punched her brother's head off.

Then mom ground up the corpse of the son and cooked him into a black pudding and fed it to the father, who loved it.

Then the daughter turned the bones of the dead brother into a magical bird.

The bird got a gold chain and some red shoes and a giant millstone, gave out two gifts, and then smushed the stepmom to death.

That's the story.

So, what did we learn from this delightful allegory for children?

Why World War I happened?

Junipur.

All right, so if you had to summarize what you you learned in one sentence, Heath, what would it be?

All right,

let's just go ahead and keep tabs on Germany.

I'm

just keeping your eye on the price.

I've been cool recently, but like, I just keep tabs.

You never know.

And are you ready for the quiz?

Ready.

All right, Heath.

This is what people wrote for kids before,

A, the mud people invented entertainment.

That is correct.

That's it.

I said A, and it was right.

That's it.

That's it.

All right, so I have a question for you, Heath.

As people may have noticed, none of the nouns in your recap

were juniper tree.

So why the fuck was this story named after the juniper tree?

A.

There was originally a graphic sex part where the juniper tree fucked the first wife, but Wilhelm cut it like Cecil cutting Eli's essays down.

B, because in German, juniper tree is Wachholderbaum, which is the shortest noun in the story in the German translation by 14 syllables.

They should have named the daughter Wachholderbaum.

Right?

Yep.

C, the same reason Chinatown is called Chinatown, I guess.

Or

D,

because the tree was the only thing in the story that a sane person wouldn't be offended by before it was over.

Gotta be D.

It is, in fact, D.

Yeah.

Nice.

All right, Heath.

What's the best name for a restaurant that serves only murdered little brothers?

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Five-year-old guys.

Oh, Jesus.

Because five guys, burgers, and fries.

Yeah.

That's close.

B, X us Roadhouse.

What?

Texas Roadhouse.

It used to be us.

Now it's not.

It's X us.

C,

C,

One Bros Pizza.

Because two bros, and then one died.

Nice.

It's got to be One Bros Pizza.

That is correct.

Nope.

All right.

Nope.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I had a different thing written.

So for finally getting some use out of his BFA, Eli is this week's winner.

Ooh, all right.

I want a Noah essay next week.

All right.

Mine will have pigeon noises as well.

So for Heath, Tom, and Eli, I'm Noah.

Thank you for hanging out with us today.

We're going to be back next week, and by then, I'll be an expert on something else.

And if you miss Cecil, hey, be sure to check out all the cognitive dissonance and Noah Rogan podcasts that he recorded for you before he went on vacation.

And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash citationpod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can.

And if you would like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com.

Ready to prove you're the ultimate IT pro?

Take on paths to power, navigate challenges, conquer quests, and find the wizard of light.

Are you up for it?

Play now at eaton.com slash paths to power.

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullen Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the U.S.

Explore Solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom ring that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewelers behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our new Union Street showroom or explore the range at cullenjewelry.com.

Your ring, your way.