The Holy Prepuce (Foreskin) and Other Relics

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Hello and welcome.

to Citation Needed, a podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts.

Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now.

I'm Heath, and I am circumcised.

I'm aware that it's goodbye.

Bye new listener.

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

This is the reason for that.

It's the topic.

I'm aware it's probably wrong to mutilate a baby's genitals for like any reason, but foreskins are gross.

And I'm joined by three guys who either...

Share that opinion, hopefully, or based on my knowledge of the internet, they have some other hot take and hope I die in the face.

Cecil, Noah, and Eli.

I'm not going to argue.

I hold that same cognitive dismemberment, Heath.

Absolutely.

Well, I feel like we stopped exploring the what parts of this baby are superfluous question way too early, honestly.

To be fair, if I don't mutilate your kid's dick, you're going to have to wash it more.

Feels like an excuse that would have worked on me.

I mean, I can't believe it did.

All right.

Well, Eli, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event, please give us context.

Are we going to be talking about today?

All right.

We're going to be talking about the survivors of the Nanking massacre.

What?

We're doing this on the day

of survivorship

five.

Four.

We actually have the granddaughter

of a victim.

Eli, continue.

As a guest, tell us like she's walked out of the studio.

Hey,

Cecil, let him do it.

If you think I don't have the fucking rocks to pull up

and read the entire massacre at Nanking article,

please proceed, Governor.

You don't know the dancer you stepped on the dance floor with, my friend.

Bluff called.

Show your cards.

Let's do it.

Okay.

Eli?

I'm doing it.

The Nan King Massacre.

Or the rape of Nanking.

So before you tell us what

the actual subject is, what did you say it was in real life?

It's the holy prepuse and other relics.

Okay, before you tell us what that is and what those other relics are, can you name something that we don't think about enough?

Just like in general?

Yeah.

So, as we mentioned last week, Tom's wife, Haley, is still feeling sick because we record two essays in the same week.

And so, Tom wrote this essay, and therefore I will be reading it.

But this is Tom's writing.

Yeah, I'll do it as Tom.

Nice.

We don't spend that money.

That's enough of that.

Okay, yeah, no, that's it.

I can't do it.

Yeah,

and I just wanted to.

I feel the same way about Tom.

When Tom does it, that's about how long it takes.

All right.

That's enough.

Wow, this, this not having Tom here to fight back shit is creator, guys.

Do the topic?

All right.

We don't spend a lot of time thinking about foreskins, said Tom, not Eli.

Or at least I didn't until this episode.

As an American man born in the late 70s, again, said Tom, not Eli, I, like most of my cohort, never gave any thought to the missing calamari ring.

Its removal was a cock fact of no real note or controversy.

When I grew up, though, now the circumcision debate has...

No, it was crazy how you said that.

When I grew up, though, now...

The circumcision.

You start the sentence again?

When I grew up now, though.

Not where the sentence

As an American, I, like most of my cohort, switched to Nan Kingman.

It's removal

was a cock fact of no real note or controversy when I grew up.

Though now...

The circumcision debate.

Okay, wait.

I love just how much Eli is baffled by commas because Tom uses them and Eli does not.

And he's just

no idea what to fucking do.

I can't read anything I didn't write.

Yeah, this is going to be rough.

Growing up, I didn't know that the foreskin wasn't actually just skin, but a highly innervated mucosal membrane, not unlike the inside of a mouth or eyelid.

Evolved.

I mean, it is unlike those things.

Go ahead, Tom.

Evolved to protect the penis from chafing and desensitization.

A useful and necessary component of the anatomy because if there's one thing people complain about it's the renowned biological reluctance of the male orgasm and if there's one thing i super super never thought about not even for a moment it is what happens to all those millions of discarded dick rinds but that's because i'm not jesus composed and if there's anything religious wackos love to think about It's dick.

So do they do they all form together to make a really long and inconsistently girthy Voltron dick?

Is that what happens?

There you go.

Or they're linked together chainmail style to protect Voltron from gods.

I like it.

I like it.

Honestly, if in 40 years foreskins are babies and we need to protect their lives isn't a tent pull of the right, they've missed an opportunity.

I do think they deserve a burial.

Oh, for sure.

It's like a big rubber band ball, maybe.

Yeah, put 100 on a ring and then lower it into liquid iron.

I love that.

As you all know.

Fun stop on Route 66.

The world's biggest ball of foreskins.

Circumcision

pulling over for the ball of foreskins.

I'm pulling over for the ball of foreskins.

That's making some money.

I mean, like, hey, let's be clear.

You would not have to make that big a ball of foreskins before you could legally make that catch.

Yeah, you just do that right now.

But you could make it bigger.

And you would.

Beat up all your competitors.

It's like climbing Everest.

Once you get to the base, because it was there.

You get to the top or you die.

As you all know, Jesus was a Jew.

Get the fuck out of me.

And as a Jew, he had to make a blood sacrifice to his war god in the form of cutting off his foreskin at a time in history before painkillers, band-aids, antiseptics, the germ theory, or basic hygiene had been invented.

The tradition of appeasing an angry, vengeful god with the blood of a child's genitals demanded that all boys be circumcised by the eighth day after their birth, which I guess is like the military.

Either get them while they're young or they're finding better options.

Jesus then, as a Jew, was most assuredly circumcised, and everyone was so jazzed about the whacking off of the holy Lord and Savior's penis that churches across the world celebrated and in some cases still celebrate the feast of the circumcision.

of Christ.

Which is a weird shared main dish where there's a lot of kissing while you chew like that scene from Lady and the Tramp, you know?

Oh, yeah.

A lot of slurping.

So, yeah, when we did it with the calamari, we were really close to start with, which is nice.

Remember, Cecil?

I do.

Hang out in Chicago together.

Oh, come on.

Not now.

Not today.

Not on Christmas.

That's the noise we made.

Had that little bit of foam in there.

Delicious.

Just a little bit.

Piped on.

Piped magma.

So we can all pretty much.

It's all pretty much piped magma.

So.

So we can all rest pretty much assured.

Jesus.

Magma.

Pipe and all pipes.

That's a Bob Dylan song, right?

So we can all rest pretty much assured that Jesus was circumcised.

But that's where our story begins.

In the apocryphal Arabic,

in the apocryphal Arabic

gospel, which tells this story, quote, and when the time of his circumcision was come, namely the eighth day, on which the law commanded the child to be circumcised, they circumcised him in a cave.

One, and the old Hebrew woman took the foreskin, others say she took the navel string, and preserved it in an alabaster box of old oil of Spicnard.

It's my dick in a box.

And she had a son, Spike Nard is the name of that, Spike Nard, yeah.

Two.

Okay.

And she had a son who was a druggist to whom she said, take heed thou sell not this alabaster box of spike nard ointment, although thou shouldst be offered 300 pence for it.

Okay.

Facebook marketplace never really changed that much.

Yeah.

Got it.

Is this spike nard still available?

Three.

Equally dangerous.

Now, this is that alabaster box which Mary the sinner procured and poured forth the ointment of it upon the head and feet of our Lord Jesus Christ.

and wiped it off with the hairs of her head.

End quote.

Now, I'm not a biblical expert, but if I read that right, and I think I did, the first accounting of what happened to Jesus's discarded dick skin is that an old lady brewed it up with some essential oils, let it ferment in those oils for a few decades, and then later, Jesus got a head and foot rub with his very own dick stew oil.

Right.

And foot often equals penis in the Bible.

So I'm picturing Mary pouring out that oil and the foreskin just like settling into place perfectly like a puzzle.

Right.

This is the Bronze Age version of, do you remember Mary's daughter's cousin?

She came to Easter once.

Well, she got murdered by her husband.

You should call.

Thank you.

Okay, Heath's mom does it.

I get it.

Fast forward then to the Middle Ages, which seems to be the golden age for relics.

An observation that may not be true at all, and which I just made up.

Regardless, it's true that Jesus's foreskins started popping up all over the place oh if only the developers of sonic the hedgehog have been a little braver

on christmas day it's not too late we there you can still use

amazing free from

as a taste puck you can do it what's the sound then with ron jeremy like there's a clinking sound same sound when you hear the

rings it's got to be a different sort of squirrel sort of sound i feel like a jeremy

sound there but On Christmas Day in the year 800, Charlemagne was faced with a difficult task.

Pope Leo III was going to crown him emperor, and Charlemagne wanted to give Leo something nice to commemorate the occasion.

What do you get?

Did they say something shitty in a commercial that they wanted to give Donald Trump something nice?

What do you get?

The Pope who has everything?

How about the Holy Lord and Savior's 800-year-olds' penis scraps?

This candle smells like my savior's foreskin.

Super popular on goop.

Good stuff.

And how does one acquire the foreskin of the one true Christ?

Eli has a guy.

Why?

An angel appears and gives it to you as a gift.

So the gift then to the pope was a regifting of the foreskin of Jesus.

And if that story, by the way, sounds like bullshit, I would like to assure you that it was confirmed as authentic by a vision of St.

Bridget of Sweden.

So.

Now you're the one who sounds stupid.

My white elephant gift is the tiniest elephant trunk ever.

How adorable.

What, then, of this white elephant holy dick skin?

Well, it appears from the descripto latinertis that Pope Leo took the adorable rotting cock relic and somehow put it in a cross, which he put in a casket, which he put in a cypress chest, which he put under the altar in the chapel of St.

Lawrence.

It's like the anal retentive chef putting it away.

Yeah.

So maybe it's still there beneath a get smart number of barriers.

Yeah.

Did it the foreskin swallow a fly or something?

Did you get any of this?

Honestly, the fact that we need atheism when this is what religion was offering for the last couple thousand years is a bummer.

Can I say

bummer?

But probably it's not.

Most likely, Jesus' foreskin was actually a tiny wedding ring for lovelorn nuns.

Improbable, you say?

Well, that's because you haven't read the writings of Catherine of Siena, who wrote to a nun friend of hers during a time of some spiritual strife,

Bathe in the blood of Christ crucified.

See that you don't look for or want anything but crucified as a true bride, ransom by the blood of Christ crucified.

For that is my wish.

You'll see very well that you are a bride, and that he has espoused you, you and everyone else, and not with a ring of

silver, but with a ring of his own flesh.

Look at the tender little child who, on on the eighth day when he was circumcised, gave up just so much flesh as to make a tiny circlet of a ring.

And look again.

I went to Jared.

I wish you went to Jared.

And look, again, very much not a scholar of the Mud Times and its writings, but it sounds very much like Catherine's advice to her friend amounts to, don't be said you don't have a man and a nice wedding ring.

Spiritually speaking, you're married to Jesus, and the wedding ring is you imagining that you're wearing your husband's severed baby foreskin.

Holy foreskins aren't just good for the make-believe marriages with imagined gods, but they are also excellent drivers of a local economy.

The supposed relic of Jesus' Willie was on display in Rome in the 16th century until the city was sacked, and a German soldier absconded with the prick parts and fled.

Really?

That's a weird thing for the soldier to decide to do, just being like, I got the nick parts, fucking cheesy.

And then he's like,

what?

They get it caught on something and they snap right back.

But guys, do you think this is the same?

Because God was elastic.

But God was not on the side of the looter of little Willies.

The soldier was captured in the village of Calcutta.

29 miles from Rome.

And I guess the church there decided what they had was golden and they weren't giving it up for free.

So they pretty much announced that Rome could fuck itself raw and that all pilgrims who wanted to make a pilgrimage to their town to see the dick meat would get a 10-year indulgence.

10-year indulgence.

Unsurprisingly, nuns, priests, and pilgrims flocked to the city.

It's a little surprising.

I mean, you have to attenuate yourself to it, right?

And for a while, Calcutta was on every pilgrim's bingo card, and the city made money like it was hosting the eras tour.

The relic was said to be stolen in 1983.

It was stolen by a secret agent.

Bond.

Gold bond.

I feel like this thing is so easy to secure.

You could use like a bicycle lock, right?

Or a padlock.

Sure.

Tie your hair back with it.

Yeah.

Got one nun keeping it on her wrist.

Beyond the 10-year-long get out of Astrong brace.

Complimentary.

Beyond the 10-year-long get-out of hell-free card it brought you to rubberneck Jesus's turtleneck.

What was the point of getting all hot and bothered over an incomplete dick pic?

According to some, the prepuse was a powerful symbol of the humanity of Jesus, something that evidently appealed to Mud Times worshipers.

According to some Bible history scholar whose credentials I didn't vet, towns across Europe were lousy with hard.

with holy foreskins.

At any one time, there might be a dozen or more towns proudly proclaiming that they definitely had the foreskin of God, which means every time there was a circumcision, there was a potential black market of guys trying to peep the merchandise.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, ah, this one will never pass.

But the ubiquity of dick parts has never made anyone owning one.

Sniff that foreskin, dude?

That's gross.

What are you doing?

He's licking it like a cigarette.

He's going to roll.

Nuck dangy enough.

I'll never fly for it.

But the ubiquity of of dick parts has never made anyone owning one feel less special or less proud of his.

And this can be seen when a prepuse relic arrived in Antwerp in 1100 as a gift from King Baldwin I of Jerusalem, who had bought it himself while on crusade in the Holy Land.

The Prepuse became big time famous when, during a mass, the bishop saw three drops of blood from the Prepuse plotting the linen of the altar.

Jesus' foreskin had its first period and shit went bananas.

A special chapel was constructed and processions began flooding in to honor the tiny bloody relic.

And soon pilgrimages began bringing in big tourist dollars.

Just a bunch of weird merch, like those glasses for New Year's Eve.

Yeah, but the wristbands to get you back in were clever, though.

I thought that was...

This lasted

hundreds of years.

And in 1426, a brotherhood was founded of abbots and prominent laymen to support the chapel of this bleedy Johnson until 1566 when, you guessed it, someone misplaced it.

Most of the holy purported prepuses, prepusae, prepopotamuses,

prepude,

foreskins, most of the relic foreskins from antiquity were lost during the Reformation and the French Revolution.

That's all it says about that in the Wikipedia.

Just all of a sudden people started misplacing Jesus' bits of his bits, but not all hope or foreskin was lost.

As late as 1983 in Calcutta, a reliquary containing the holy foreskin of none other than Jesus himself was paraded through the streets on the day of the Feast of Circumcision.

This wonderful yearly tradition likely would have continued indefinitely had thieves not stolen the foreskin.

So they may have been at least as interested in the jewel-encrusted case it was housed in.

Don't be an asshole, guys.

You keep the jewels, but you toss the foreskin and the IDs out once you get around the corner.

Exactly, yeah.

It's not at all clear whether any holy prepopotamuses still exist.

In 1997, a British journalist for Channel 4 went on the hunt for the foreskin, but came up as empty as Al Capone's vault.

In 2013, National Geographic channel broadcast a documentary called The Quest for the Holy Foreskin, which had to be a hell of a thing to find on your great ants DVR.

But remember that Nat Geo also broadcast hard-hitting journalistic pieces such as monkey thieves, fish warrior, and beast hunter.

Net your credibility standards accordingly.

Just some guy with a fedora?

That's the dick skin of a carpenter.

He dips it in water and drinks from it.

Of course, not everyone believes that Jesus was circumcised to make tiny wedding rings for nuns or to drive traffic to local ice cream and saltwater shops in shitty tourist towns of old.

No, some believe, and gentlemen, help me in that number, that when Jesus Christ descended into heaven, he wouldn't leave behind on his mortal soil, his mortal coil.

No, when Jesus went to heaven, so too did his tiny baby foreskin, which then took a detour and became the rings of Saturn.

That is, at least,

so much more complicated than it has to be.

That is, at least, according to an unpublished treatise by a Vatican librarian titled, A Discussion of the Foreskin of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Cool.

And now Saturn has much better endurance.

Happy ending for everybody.

And before we get to some other important relics, we're going to take a quick break for some apropos of nothing.

Pope Pius Alejandro III

enter heaven.

Grazi, Patre Piatre, in the arms of the Lord at last.

Hey, hey, man, what the fuck?

My lord, is it Jesus?

Yeah, no, yeah, that's me, whatever.

What the actual fuck, dude?

have i uh displeased you in some way my lord yes yes take a look at this

uh you you mustn't my lord holy holy

what is wrong with your dick you you are wrong with it i

i i did that to your dick how

by sanctifying 11 of my foreskins during your reign you fucking asshole but uh

you understand the people they needed the hope.

We were at war with the dolls.

I don't give a shit if you were at war with Dolly Parton, man.

You're the Pope.

When you declare something is my foreskin, it literally becomes true in heaven.

That's the whole thing with you.

I see.

I'm a real sorry.

Yeah, you bet your ass you're sorry.

I look like a fucking anteater down here.

What am I supposed to do with this thing?

I can't go to the blowjob fountain with it.

You can't undo it.

No, I can't.

No, I can't undo it.

You're the fucking Pope.

Excuse me, Jesus.

What?

Michael, I'm kind of busy here.

It's just they added a couple knuckle bones and we kind of need to get on this.

Mother, fuck.

So there's a blowjob fountain up here.

You know what?

Not the time, man.

I'm sorry.

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And Rebecca.

When we left off, we were all wondering if magical objects have to come from the penis of a Jewish guy.

So what's next, Eli?

The foreskin of Jesus is not by any means the only bizarre religious relic out there.

Sometimes it's a piece from the small head.

Sometimes, as in the case of Oliver Plunkett, it's the whole of the big one.

Oliver Plunkett was an Irish Catholic archbishop who was the victim of something called the Poppish Plot, which was really its own episode.

But suffice it to say, it was a fictitious conspiracy that alleged a plot to assassinate Charles II, and which, while it never existed, nonetheless resulted in at least 22 gruesome executions, including poor poor Oliver Plunkett.

Plunkett was hanged, drawn, and quartered in 1621, but his head was preserved and sent to Rome, where, incredibly, it sat until 1921 in a nunnery.

Just a question.

When you quarter somebody, which quarters the head go with?

That's a great question, right?

That maybe this is why it got sent to Rome, is they couldn't decide.

Yeah.

Okay.

If the butcher likes you, he puts it with your quarter.

Right.

Yes, exactly.

That's the key.

It's like a baker's dozen.

A whole new meaning to thumb on the scale.

Anyways, there's just a fucking corpse head sitting in a goddamn nunnery for about 300 years.

It's been since relocated to St.

Peter's Church, where it sits and can be viewed to this day alongside no shit, a sort of certificate of authenticity signed shortly after Plunkett was officially canonized.

Please don't say they have an elaborate ring toss game with this.

I mean, they would if they unblocked my email, Cecil.

I'm picturing like the carnival game with the hook where you go.

See, I'm picturing the ducks.

I'm picturing the ducks.

Yeah, sure.

I'm sure that's what I was thinking.

Wrong fucking hat again.

God damn it.

Let's not forget the magic eight ball blood of Saint Januarius.

Saint Januarius is the patron saint of Naples in Italy.

And since the 14th century, they've had some dried-up old blood they are just sure is this guy's.

But it's not just any dried-up old saint blood.

No, this blood magically reliquifies three times a year,

except when it doesn't.

But when it doesn't, that's bad news.

A year without St.

Januarius, blood liquefation is a bad omen.

And it's said by people who believe in magical relics that predict the future to have predicted bad shit in 1939, the beginning of World War II, 1940, the day the war hit Italy, 1943, the Nazi occupation, 1973, an a cholera epidemic in Naples, and 1980, when an earthquake struck Naples, killing 3,000 people.

The blood did supposedly liquefy in 2020, failing to mark the start of a global pandemic that killed nearly 200,000 Italians.

Can't win them all, I guess.

If you want something even more gory, how about the relic of the tongue and jaw of St.

Anthony, who, unlike many saints, died of edema rather than martyrdom.

whose tongue was found not to have decomposed after it was exhumed 30 years after his death in 1263.

St.

Anthony was renowned for giving great sermons, so they took his not-yet-rotted tongue and his jawbone for good measure and made that fucker a relic.

It is still a relic.

You can go see it and if you're lucky, it might actually make its way to you if it goes on relic tour again like it did in 2013.

Just bring your unlicked envelopes and stamps with you.

Finally, we have to take a moment to remember the sweet, life-giving milk dispensed from the unsullied breasts of the Virgin Mary.

And what better way than to head over to the chapel of the milk grotto in Bethlehem?

The grotto was built in 1872, but had been the site of pilgrimages since the Byzantine era.

You see, when Jesus was just a brand new, recently deprepused baby suckling at the tit of his virgin mother, some of Mary's breast milk dripped and landed on the floor.

And the floor of the whole fucking place turned white in response to the merest droplets of Holy Mother Mary's sweet titty milk.

Now, either the floor was already a white chalky limestone, or it became and remained a white chalky limestone.

Either way, the church grinds up the floor into fine powder and sells it to infertile couples to mix with their smoothies to cure infertility.

The church has an estimated net worth of at least $73 billion.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

If you have to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be?

The earth is flat, the moon's made of cheese, and the rings of Saturn are made from the celestial baby's foreskin.

And are you ready for the quiz?

Hit me with it.

While Tom failed to mention this in his essay, licking, kissing, or otherwise tasting the holy prepuse was a disturbingly common occurrence.

What?

Why?

A.

Tasting the actual flesh of Christ was considered to be communion on steroids.

B.

Taste was said to be the most useful in determining if the prepuse was genuine, so that, according to Canadian academic Mark Schells, the holy foreskin or money relics in Judeo-Christianity, quote, a properly trained physician chosen by the local priest would taste the shriveled cover in order to determine whether it was holy or partly human skin, end quote.

C,

they all had weird shit growing on their lips back then, anyway, so what the fuck were they worried about catching?

Or D,

all of the above.

Welcome to Flavor Town.

How do you properly

train?

Welcome to the Flavor Town.

How do you properly train a physician to taste the foreskin of Jesus Christ?

It's future essay.

I feel like I should have known how the election was going to go.

That's like a cool, like, smellier exam.

I like that.

Yeah.

It kind of bounces around your mouth when you swirl it, you know?

That sort of

bounces off the bottom of the spit.

At the shrine of the holy circumcision, you can get a t-shirt with the shrine on the front and this saying on the back.

A tipping appreciated.

B,

don't spare the rod.

Moyle, the child.

C,

church organ or D, members only.

Fantastic.

Nice.

Tom thinks it's it's T.

It's T.

All right, Eli, why don't you ask yourself a question?

Yeah, and now

I was going to let Keith do it.

Eli, would you like me to ask you a question?

Do you mind if asking me my question?

I work you all hard on it.

Eli's written a question for himself.

Here it is.

Just live in it.

Obviously,

the holy prepuse is an obscure and silly title.

What should we call the Jesus' petrified foreskin instead?

Hey, Hey, I like that you called him the Jesus, like the Christ.

Yeah, Jesus.

Jesus, the Christ.

The Jesus.

Hey, the holy moly.

Why, why moly?

I don't know, Eli.

Why moly?

You wrote this question.

Why did I say that?

Mole

chemistry?

Could I have a mole in it on it?

Were you thinking of like a dermatologist?

I believe we had two more to go to our friendly.

the tipping point.

Solid.

Because tip.

Okay.

I'll

be for C.

The ring around the rosary.

That's

pretty

fucking solid.

That's pretty solid.

I have a lot.

Pretty solid.

But I needed more.

You can just do the A-only thing.

I win.

Yep.

Do it.

All right.

And you know what?

I'd like us all to do essays next week.

But who fucking knows?

So,

hey, everyone.

We'll let you know.

You know what else?

maybe.

Stay tuned.

No matter what, the podcast will still be free next week.

So tune in.

All right.

Well, we're Tom, Noah, Cecil, and Eli on Heath.

Thanking you for hanging out with us.

We'll be back next week, and

everybody will be an expert on something.

Maybe?

Between now and then.

You can listen to Cognitive Dissonance, Lawful Assembly, Dear Old Dads, God Awful Movies, The Scathing Atheist, The Skepticrat, and DND Minus.

And if you'd like to join the ranks of our beloved patrons, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com/slash citation pod.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, or take a look at the show notes, check out citationpod.com.

41,

42 knucklebones.

There you go.

Great.

Yep.

Thanks.

Mr.

Jesus, somebody's imagining you on toast again.

We're going to need a statement.

Just one fucking day

no

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