QAnon Shaman vs. USA et al

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Hello, and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works.

Now, I'm Noah.

I'm going to be presiding over this court, though I promise not to do it honorably.

And to ensure as much, I've got two men here who put the ale in bailiff Tom and Eli.

Yeah, when it's me, it's definitely a pale ale.

Or

symptoms of sunburned ale.

And I'm always bleeding insanity.

Oh, there you go.

And also joining us tonight, a high-powered attorney and a low-powered one, Cecil and he.

What?

That That was great.

No resistance at all.

Excellent.

Oh,

I married up.

There you go.

And before we get going, I want to remind listeners that if it weren't for our supporters on Patreon, we would sue you.

If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of this show.

Don't worry, they're there.

You're safe.

And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person plays thing concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today?

The lawsuit that just got filed at the end of September by the QAnon shaman

against the United States of America, Donald Trump, and a long list of other defendants.

All right.

So get us started here by reminding us who the QAnon shaman is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just in case anyone missed it, the QAnon Shaman.

Yeah.

He's the...

domestic terrorist who stormed the U.S.

Capitol on January 6th, 2021.

Dressed up like a white power-themed furry, I think.

That's it.

He said the American flag face paint and the Davy Crockett furry hat thing

and buffalo horns.

And based on my research using Google Images, he's either yelling or getting ready to fallache at all

in every picture I saw.

And I don't think he doesn't feel like a generous lover to me.

So it's probably the first thing.

He's just doing a lot of yelling all the time.

Well, thanks to that absurd physical appearance, along with his connection to the QAnon movement, he got the title, QAnon Shaman.

Does he walk around with his face contorted like that?

He looks like Rick Flair during a particularly heated interview with Gene Okerlund, right?

The other treason idiots looked at this guy and they were like, well, great.

Now nobody's going to take us seriously.

Yes.

Yes, I do.

probably uh look i'm just saying there are even odds that he's just an anti-vaxxer with lockjaw that's just

half of that yeah

so you might be thinking hold on that guy stormed the capitol to help out donald trump why would he be suing his favorite now dictator well it turns out donald trump was fucking children on epstein island allegedly he's allegedly

yeah he could have raped those children anywhere exactly Exactly.

Exactly.

Thank you.

Good clarification.

People are alleging that all over the internet.

Could have been anywhere.

We have no proof either way because the DOJ, controlled by Donald Trump, won't release all the files.

I'm sure when they finally do.

After getting forced by Congress, he's going to be perfectly innocent.

And this big delay, it was just Donald Trump building the moment dramatically about the suspicion of of being a pedophile rapist.

But until then, lots of QAnon people are feeling betrayed by the guy who is supposed to be their champion.

And that includes Jacob Angeli Chansley, aka the QAnon shaman.

He fucking is a hyphenated name.

That's just too much.

If my name was Angeli Chansley, I also would have gone absolutely fucking nuts.

Pick anything else.

Imagine how many first dates he went on before he was like, actually, I'm so sorry.

I'm going to be a schizophrenic instead.

You asked me my name.

I started to say Angeli Chanzale.

And then I thought, you know what?

Instead, micro trips.

I'm afraid of shaman.

You'll need to call me Sir Shaman for the rest of the night.

Okay, she's leaving.

All right.

Yeah.

So Jacob went to federal prison for being a treasonous domestic terrorist, but then he got a pardon from Donald Trump.

Well, despite that enormous, insane favor.

Jacob got mad at Trump this summer about all the Epstein secrecy.

And now Jacob is suing the country and the president.

I was imagine constantly having to cater to a fan base centered on the fickle whims of costumed face-painted shirtless screaming idiots and like instead of being the Philadelphia Eagles you're the president right yeah

any other sport I get it yeah especially Philly though that was a good example so I was looking for something to read the other day And I thought Jacob might be a fun author.

Turns out I was correct.

He very much is.

Goodreads score.

What is he doing?

It was N slash A, but we're going to get into it.

So I went to the site where the state of Arizona keeps their public court information, and I got a PDF of this lawsuit by the shaman.

And we're going to read some excerpts of this beautiful novel together.

I'll start with the official form that Jacob filled out to file his case in the Superior Court of Arizona.

And credit to Jacob, for the first two fill-in-the-blanks, he nailed it.

He got his county of residence correct.

Maricopa.

Nice.

Gabriel.

Yeah, one for one.

And he wrote his name correctly under name of plaintiff.

Well, that's a tricky one.

There's a high salad in Aaron Names.

Exactly.

100 points on the SATs.

Give him a lot of SAT.

Yeah, that's 400 points.

Eli, it's 400 on the SATs that he already has, correct.

And

then it got tricky with blank number three.

For name of defendant, Jacob wrote, U.S., this is all in caps.

Pretty much everything he writes on this form is all caps.

U.S.

federal gov,

Donald Trump, IMF.

And I'm pretty sure that's International Monetary Fund.

And keep in mind, that list of defendants is going to grow during his paperwork.

Now, to be clear, if you're filing your own lawsuit and you're not a lawyer, you are as crazy as this guy is.

You're just using less caps locks.

So, you know.

Damn it.

Eli, I just asked your mom to help me proofread.

Keep your comments of the merits of my maritime arguments to yourself.

All right.

So I've already read summaries of this lawsuit, and that is the only way that I know it was the International Monetary Fund and not the Impossible Mission Force, dude.

I don't know how you figured that out.

I was kind of just guessing.

You're saying based on what you read, it's that?

Okay, good to know.

So that brings us to the section of the form called Parties.

And this is where Jake decided to sue a bunch more people, like during the form.

Somewhere during that first page page of the form, he realized his grievances were being caused by a much larger group of sinister actors.

So when he got the blank spot for defendants on page two, he wrote, the U.S.

FedGov, the Fed Reserve Bank, the IMF, World Bank, Bank of International Settlements, Donald Trump, X-Corp, T-Mobile.

T-Mobile.

Just T-Mobile.

That's

weird.

I agree.

That's weirdos guys.

He's cool with Verizon.

He's cool with Mint Mobile.

T-Mobile.

Fuck those guys.

File a Pelican brief or whatever.

Yeah, a Pelican brief.

He's not done yet.

He's not done yet.

T-Mobile.

T-Mobile.

John Grisham was not mentioned, but good point.

Good point.

NSA, DARPA,

Warner Brothers Studios, and

State of Israel.

And under additional plaintiffs, he wrote, every single American.

Well, except Donald Trump.

Yeah.

Look, I know this is unmedicated psychosis, so asking for details kind of misses the point, but how does he imagine a lawsuit against the state of Israel by every single American

would go?

Well, and also, and as a party to this legislation, I demand better representation.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

For sure.

That's good.

Yeah.

And And Eli, to answer your question, he thinks it's going to go pretty good.

I'm going to get to the amount he's demanding in a second.

So there's also a section on the form called applicable law, and we learn about the legal angles that Jake's going to focus on.

He'll be referencing Article 1 and Article 3 of the U.S.

Constitution, Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the Bill of Rights, especially amendments 1, 2, and 4, and also two different Supreme Court cases.

One of those is Marbury versus Madison, and the other is a freedom of speech case called Near versus Minnesota, which ruled that prior restraint is unconstitutional.

So, yeah, Jake's already channeling Walter Sobchak from the Big Ladowski.

Sure is.

And according to Jake, again, all caps, injuries I and others have endured at the hands of this government are too numerous to list or delineate on paper.

It's not just this government.

So I mean,

there's an extra government in there.

It's a serious allegation there.

Can't even list it on paper.

But he was able to write his demand for relief on paper.

Jacob is suing for

$40

trillion.

Okay, guys, I know that sounds like a lot, but since we are all part of the lawsuit as well, that's only like $116,000 per American.

Well, we can put the money to get

Donald Trump out.

So $40 trillion.

And then then after that,

like a third of that goes to the lawyers, you know, and trillions.

A lot of lawyers' fees.

So, you know, you're only end of the day, you're getting like 20 and change max of that trillions.

Yeah.

Then you got by taxes.

It's not even worth doing.

It's not even worth doing.

So after $40 trillion,

Jake also added, and this is an exact quote, plus, you didn't let him finish.

Plus, all of the money and gold in the IMF, World Bank, and Bank of International Settlements.

Okay, well, now he's just being unreasonable.

Yeah, I was really starting to worry that the man wearing a fur hat and animal horns wasn't being serious.

I was feeling the same way.

You can have it all.

We just get to stack it on you.

How's that?

Okay, so you guys are probably wondering how that 40 trillion is going to break down, right?

Don't worry.

Jacob explained it.

Aside from what Tom said about the lawyers and everything, Jake's given the 40 trillion the breakdown here.

Quote, 38 trillion for the U.S.

to void all illusions of U.S.

debt and return the USA to surplus.

$1 trillion to rebuild America's infrastructure.

Nice of him.

Magnanimous infrastructure.

Give it back.

Yeah.

Way to go.

And $1 trillion for my personal, emotional, mental, and spiritual torture.

Give it back a little bit.

I'm glad he's putting a little something in there for himself.

Yeah.

Look, I don't know about you guys, but my personal, emotional, mental, and spiritual torture is fixable by way less than a trillion dollars.

Thanks.

So much.

But if you're not a trillion dollars, can I underbid this guy?

Yeah.

U.S.

goes to the bank.

I'd like to take out a $40 trillion loan so I could pay myself back $38 trillion to pay down that loan.

Okay, Cecil, your plan's better than the one he's going to land on.

It is.

It is.

And I think it's the plan of our actual U.S.

economy.

So please be careful.

Awkward.

And right below the breakdown of the $40 trillion in the same section, Jacob also added another big banking demand.

But when he thought of this one, all of the $40 trillion was already allocated and he wrote it in pen.

So this part, it's just happening because he said so.

Quote, all global debt.

will be forgiven from all central banks around the world and we will have a true global reset.

Be scrawled underneath that.

I am Tyler Durden right underneath.

This is really like a good news, bad news kind of deal.

Like good news is everyone's deaths get erased.

So, you know, obviously, yay.

Bad news is the entire global financial system will simultaneously collapse.

And it's, you know, it's the road now,

but you don't have to make your Discover card payment.

So I don't know.

Yeah.

And

that guy could easily eat his hat.

So I feel like he's ahead of the game.

He's ahead of the game.

So if you got a lot on your Discover and a cool truck.

Yeah, you're probably going to get it.

And the QAnon shaman has both of those things, I promise.

So

one other piece of context as we get into this lawsuit.

The complaint is going to be referring to different exhibits of evidence.

from Jacob.

Nobody can see those yet, but they do exist, he assures us, according to the section 4, statement of facts and breach: quote, due to the fact that I have over 10,000 exhibits, I've placed all exhibits on a Google Drive until discovery, end quote.

And he wrote out the full URL, that Google Drive.

It goes to nothing.

That's not real URL.

Sorry, Google Drive.

That's forward/slash/forward.

Ah, fuck.

I just gave up.

Okay, I will represent the IMF pro bono to get a look at that fucking Google Drive.

All right, well, that brings us to the initial complaint of the lawsuit.

I'll let the attorney for the QAnon shaman explain it.

That attorney is named the QAnon Shaman.

He's representing himself, just in case that wasn't clear from the filing paperwork.

And that's how you get the complaint of 8,694 words with the entire thing written as one single paragraph.

I've curated a selection of highlights for us, but if you're worried about losing Jacob's most nuanced points,

stop doing that.

You're going to be fucking fine.

So here it is, starting at the top.

Jacob begins.

The more you read, the more sense it all makes.

The more you see, the more your heart breaks.

That feels like a Taylor Swift lyric.

And if it gets him $40 trillion, then it probably is actually

a Taylor Swift lyric.

Yeah, Cecil, I actually just bought this lawsuit on three different colors of my volume.

Nice.

Yeah, I just want to say up front: that's a lie, right?

It will not make the more sense the more you read.

Yeah, 100% right.

Caveat.

He's already lying.

Yeah.

And after that, beautiful rhyming opener to his lawsuit for $40 trillion that contains a lie.

Jacob explains.

And didn't have a rhyming opener for Arlos.

Bunch of legal shit did.

That I had to sign.

So from there, Jacob explains how the U.S.

government is fully aware they've been illegal since 1803.

Oh, no.

Writing, quote, U.S.

government knows that according to Marbury versus Madison, all laws which are repugnant to the Constitution are null and void.

However, that does not stop them from continuing to operate a clearly unconstitutional system while they target American citizens to do it.

I am a traveler.

I am not being detained right now.

Not.

For what crime?

For what crime?

For what crime?

And just to be clear, domestic terrorism in his case.

Just to be clear, the

pretty clear crime.

The main point of that ruling, by the way,

in Marbury versus Madison, was that the Supreme Court can declare laws unconstitutional.

Judicial review was established.

Their job, basically.

Nothing about white terrorist shamans declaring things unconstitutional.

Also, the Superior Court of Arizona in Maricopa County is not the Supreme Court of the United States.

So that was nothing.

From there, Jacob decided to trigger me personally while we're still on the very first page.

Quote, the Federal Reserve Act of 1913 is an unconstitutional law that is currently affecting the heartbeat of our nation's economy.

Hey, for what it's worth, nailed the correct use of effect there.

I wouldn't have expected it.

He did.

He did.

He really did.

If we examine the pattern of large financial peaks followed by large economic crashes that seem to have been engineered since the Federal Reserve Act's passing in 1913, the pattern becomes obviously nefarious.

The owners of the Federal Reserve have been treating the American economy like a rigged casino or a government-mandated, here it is, Ponzi scheme.

Oh, yeah, we do it.

I like the idea that you were with him until then.

I get excited.

He rhymed.

I'm going to give everybody just like one guess who he thinks owns the Federal Reserve.

It's the Jews.

The answer is always the Jews.

Okay, but think about it, guys.

Why else would every peak be followed by a

Trov?

Okay, seriously, though, that is part of the argument.

That is his argument.

See, these trovs, right?

Interesting.

Yeah.

Why is it never really what he's saying?

Yeah.

So,

yeah.

After the shirtless guy with the horns explained monetary policy and central banking, Jacob actually did make a few decent points.

Barely.

Hey, man, you okay?

I'm being super generous here after waiting through.

I'm not sure what you're doing.

I'm crazy.

I'm just

this giant pile of nonsense i pulled out some nuggets of truth on his behalf just we're going to be mormons together and you went this version of crazy well setting our legitimacy even more

so he criticized our history in the united states of regime change operations okay and He criticized the deregulation of banks that led to the financial crisis of 2008.

Okay.

And he said the Patriot Act was a bad thing.

So fair enough.

But then he launches into the story of the U.S.

government running a surveillance operation on him personally because he's that dangerous.

So went downhill pretty quick.

Quote, around the spring of 2008, I spoke live on KFYI Conservative Talk Radio.

In that phone call, I spoke of a disruptive patent technology known as Tesla Coil and its ability to give everyone free energy.

I also proposed the notion of burning money to protest the government's printing of money and the creation of inflation.

In the intelligence community and the national security world, this single phone call was equivalent to metaphorically blowing up the airwaves with a call to action against the system.

I therefore inadvertently created an unexpected national emergency below the surface.

I say this because the Fed's debt-based petrodollar is fragile in the presence of such technology.

Yeah, say a quick fun fact for the shaman here.

Paper money only accounts for about 8% of the total actual money

that exists.

So we'd have to have like a

digital bonfire to get it off.

All those coins, you got to melt them.

Yeah, right?

It's going to take smelting Bitcoins in his

Bitcoin furnace.

Yeah.

Okay, he very clearly

set fire to Spotify or whatever because they can't do albums anymore.

They can all get it together.

It's great.

Yeah, he very clearly heard, you know, conspiracy theorists tell him like they're printing money again.

And he's like, what if we burn it?

Like, he actually believes that's what that meant.

Yeah.

You son of a bitch.

Figure it out.

Okay.

He continues.

I knew that my stunt on the radio got the government's attention because when they put the segment on KFYI's website, they called the segment Tesla Coil.

While this may seem insignificant, when you understand that all radio stations and most of their DJs are part of the intelligence community.

Really?

Some of us have trouble reading.

Really?

Bubba the love sponge?

Intelligence community?

Okay, well, now that one I believe.

Sorry, yeah, that was a bad example.

That was a bad example.

That's Tesla.

That made us look like fools.

When you know that all radio stations and most of their DJs are part of the intelligence community, you know that my call made a national impact.

Also, when I attempted to replicate the process elsewhere, other radio stations had their doors metaphorically locked.

Yeah, after I was shitting the punch bowl, I stopped getting invited to parties.

It's probably the Jews.

They stole all my inboxes and the Jews again.

It is the Jews again.

In addition, I noted that a short time after I pulled that little stunt, the movie The Dark Night came out.

And in that movie, the Joker burned millions of dollars in money

and blew up a whole police station with a single well-timed phone call.

These seemingly insignificant details will make sense in context as time goes on.

I am burning money.

Seriously, he's putting a pin in that during his $40 trillion lawsuit complaint.

Continuing, a short time later, in the spring of 2009, while I was writing America's second Declaration of Independence, the U.S.

government illegally hacked my computer to observe the words as I typed them over the course of several hours.

Okay, guys, I know this is a little bit of a long shot, but knowing this guy uses Google Drive, I'm willing to say with like 99% certainty that he did that thing where you open a Google Doc, you already have open another tab

and you see your own name.

Except he was like, witch fingers and slammed his left pots.

That's why I think

amazing.

They know whose cursor is this?

This is someone else's cursor.

It's so extremely likely.

Oh, man.

Okay, continuing one more time.

If you will examine the evidence presented, Exhibit A, you will see that the words treason, sedition, and violence are used throughout the document.

This purposeful linguistic bait was used to lure the government's national security surveillance software into a trap.

These trigger words in the document triggered government national security protocols written into the computer software that I was using.

And that's why my screen popped up on a government screen somewhere without due process.

Well, fuck.

Heath has now copied those very words into our shared Google Doc.

So I guess we all need a minute to ready our go bag.

So we'll be back after a quick break for some apropos of nothing.

Who's this anonymous narwhal?

Show yourself?

Why do you know everything I'm thinking as I'm thinking it?

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, I'm here to issue a non-jurisprudence salsada for all Roshio Bonumbri, the parking ticket.

My name is a corporation.

Oh, okay.

Got it.

So you want waste management.

Follow me.

Waste management?

Isn't that like trash cans and stuff?

Yep.

Well, they do that, but they also have a department where insane people and psychosis who clog up the legal system are paired with the public servants who just

who don't want to be there and make everything about government contact terrible.

Hey, Doreen,

I got another one for you.

Hello?

One fucking second.

I'm on my goddamn phone!

You're on your phone at work?

all right well looks like uh you guys are good i'm gonna head out

okay what the fuck do you want um i'm here to issue a non- you need a good fucking form and take a goddamn number which form which

no you you did not

a.man it's 12 o'clock somewhere

All right, what about Saturday the 23rd at 9.20?

Oh, no way.

That's snack time, man.

Wish you still had just one snack time.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

Yeah, what's with the calendars?

Well, Elon and I were just in the middle.

I'm also in the sketch.

Established.

Here I am.

I'm also in.

Yeah, Elon and I were just comparing calendars about when we could finally get around to buying life insurance, you know?

Yeah, we want to make sure our family family's taken care of, but who has the time?

What's fabric by, oh, early, man.

Okay, just one second.

Well, guys, if you want to take care of your loved ones, but you're short on time, you should try Fabric by Gerber Life.

What's Fabric by Gerber Life?

Come on.

I was resetting my stopwatch.

Come on.

Fabric by Gerber Life is term life insurance that you can get done today.

Made for busy parents like you, all online on your schedule, right from your couch.

You could be covered in under 10 minutes with no health exam required.

I don't know.

No, I think I got insurance through my job.

Won't that be enough to cover me?

Well, even if you have life insurance through your employer, it may not be enough for protection for your family, and it may not follow you if you leave that job.

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All right, Noah.

Thanks.

Hey, would you want another ad after this?

Are we?

Yeah, man.

You're like dripping with sweat.

Because winning means something, Tom.

Tom, you're going to run us out of minutes.

No, you are.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

Well, Tom and I were just figuring out who gets to text their wife good night.

Yeah, and thanks to big cell phone, our wireless

stop.

Stop.

I'm fighting over the phone.

Just give me a second.

Dude, what are you doing?

I have to be doing the shenanigans to get the point for Mint Mobile.

What?

It has to be like...

Mint Mobile.

No, that doesn't count.

So you asked me.

Damn it, Cecil.

Pass off.

At Mint Mobile, their favorite word is no.

No contracts, no monthly bills, no overages, no hidden fees, no BS.

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Eli, I need to use one of the time machines.

Keith, I'm in the bathroom.

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But have you actually...

Give me the keys.

let me wash my hands you never wash your hands what are you talking about have you actually tried it i sure have i switched to mint mobile when they became a sponsor now i get the same great service for a fraction of the price dry faster

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Hi, here.

Finally, thank you.

I feel like the points thing may have gotten away from us a bit.

Yeah, a little bit, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

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And we're back when we last left off.

The man in American face paint wearing buffalo horns during the only insurrection dumber than that one where they refused to leave the birding station was in some sort of a mental health crisis on paper.

Heath, take it away.

Didn't we send a bunch of dildos to the birding station?

I sure did.

A lot of dates.

A lot of dates.

It's very funny.

All right.

So now we're going to pull out that pin from earlier about the dark night.

Jacob is quite certain that his amazing writing got stolen by at least two blockbuster movies, including the highest-grossing movie of all time.

Quote, I knew the government saw what I wrote in my private computer because the movie Avatar came out a few short months after I wrote these documents.

This may seem trivial to most.

Sure does, buddy.

However, the proximity of its release to the writing of the second Declaration of Independence.

And the things 60 days.

I mean, that's.

And the things I said in the Declaration regarding the Native American tribes and their lands cannot be ignored when the main character's name is a former Marine branch of the Navy named Jake.

That's my name.

I added that.

He was recruited into a super soldier program.

End quote.

Everything except that thing where I said that's my name is an exact

for context.

Jacob was in the Navy.

That's it.

That's it.

He refused to take an anthrax vaccine and he got discharged.

His final rank was storekeeper semen apprentice.

Not

super soldier or super sailor.

Not even super sailor.

Seaman Apprentice was the reality show with Donald and Epstein, I think.

Oh, fuck.

Heath, I really appreciate that in this guy's mind, Avatar, which took four years of active production work and was written in the 90s, written in the 90s, was influenced months before its release by the government reading like random Google Drive manifesto.

Somebody got to change the main character's name.

Somebody called Cameron.

Get Cameron out of the

Get Cameron out of the live.

That thing was going to make no money until they got Jacob's cool stuff.

Yes.

Still going to make seven more of them.

You will find and replace Mike for Jake.

We got this.

It's good.

All right.

Well, that brings us to

that one time when the U.S.

government catfished Jacob using his known weakness.

That would be the actress Michelle Rodriguez.

No, no, no, no.

Only kryptonite.

No, no, only kryptonite indeed.

Here's the tale, straight from Jacob.

Here's the quote.

Avatar's timed release is significant, as is Michelle Rodriguez's presence in the film and her line.

I was hoping for a tactical plan that didn't involve martyrdom.

These seemingly insignificant facts are designed to seem insignificant on their face.

But if a person were in the loop of what I had written on my computer a few months prior, those details would stand out to a sharp mind.

I feel like they would, Jacob.

I would describe your mind as less sharp and more jagged.

Jacob continues, we must move forward in time to the autumn of 2017 when I was writing my book, One Mind at a Time, a Deep State of Illusion.

Coming to a bonus episode and hearing you.

And the government was watching my computer then as well.

When I was about to publish that book, I was contacted on Facebook by who I thought was Michelle Rodriguez, my celebrity crush.

Oh my God.

What truly piqued my belief in a potential connection was the fact that she said my name in one of her live chats with her fans.

She has since deleted that video, but

I have more proof of our correspondence.

After she said my name in her live chat, I began commenting on her photos with poetry I had written just for her.

Sir.

And exact song.

Sir, sir, this is a lawsuit.

Can we talk about lawsuits?

No, no, no, no.

Cecil, Cecil.

Way too few lawsuits mention unsolicited love poetry posted to the social media page of celebrity crushes.

This episode better quote at least one sonnet and Heath, I am expecting rhyming couples.

I gave you that opening, it rhymed.

Okay, I feel like this guy.

I feel like this is one of those guys where, like, you can't talk to him about anything for very long before you hear about that time that Michelle Rodriguez said his name during a live stream,

and then had to immediately block his sentence.

Yeah,

shaker on camera again.

He continues.

I then noticed she posted more photos and posted visual images of herself that seemed to be responsive to my poetic comments.

So I kept sending her the poetry I had written for her.

Good.

And eventually, I received a message request from her on Facebook, and I happily accepted it.

I do not have proof of this direct correspondence without accessing Facebook's deleted data, however, I do have multiple eyewitness testimonies who saw the communication taking place in real time.

I

they saw me, I gave her the opportunity to squeeze the shaman.

I gave her that opportunity,

hey man, man, can you confirm that I just got a Facebook response from Michelle Rodriguez?

Cool, I said you can't park here,

Jesus Christ.

He continues again.

So Michelle and I began a correspondence through direct message on Facebook.

And eventually, she gave me her number and we started communicating via text message.

Eventually, I discovered it was not Michelle at all, but in fact, the NSA.

Then, after I vocalized that I had realized that it wasn't Michelle and was in fact the NSA, the NSA asked me, who gave you permission to write a book?

To which I replied something like, I thought we lived in a free country, didn't know I needed permission.

I was actually kind of flattered that my book had gotten such high level attention.

Compliment of a lifetime.

And I was offered the opportunity to work with the NSA covertly and help them deal with otherworldly matters that my shamanic beliefs made me a perfect candidate to handle.

Yeah, he got plus two resistance to nature magic.

So there's that.

There's that.

You know, I gotta say, though, it really is.

That was a good question.

Like, maybe people should have to get permission to write books.

You know, like,

I'm not, I don't know, I'm not saying that's a better system, but I'm I'm not sure it's worse.

I know.

I just, you know, the NSA was like, look, you, you can join us, but you have to pay your own way with gift cards.

And all I have to do is send us those gift cards.

I'm Michelle Adrice.

I'm Michelle Rodriguez.

Well, I got a text from the NSA that said I could work for Michelle.

All you have to do is send out envelopes every day.

Jacob continues again.

However, it seemed that through this correspondence with the NSA, I was also able to maintain a covert connection to Michelle.

I thought it wasn't Michelle.

It seemed.

I wanted to prove my worth, and I started to send Hollywood scripts that i had written so i could work with michelle and make money for myself and everyone involved

but this is still a lawsuit right this is

still there

of a a lawyer this is still the same paragraph man yeah this is the same paragraph this is how you get 40 trillion dollars tom

don't interrupt

the law

I thought that having an in was all that was necessary in that business.

While I was right, I was also wrong instead of being given a job as a writer or an actor my ideas were stolen and i was mocked along the way i was inundated

buddy i don't want him to get mocked i don't want the poor guy to get mocked he was mocked along the way i was inundated with mk ultra mind control techniques through my phone huh getting calls from dc area codes or personally tailored messages in my social media feed in conjunction with the use of neuroelectromagnetic weapons surveillance.

What?

Yep.

All of the evidence for these accusations is in exhibit D.

End quote.

Just a reminder, nobody can see any exhibits.

There's no exhibits right now.

Are the exhibits in the room with us right now, Jacob?

Look, Keith, I just hope that the exhibit is a picture of his Facebook feed offering up a Michelle Rodriguez fan page with an ad below for Jurgen's lotion.

That's all I hope.

All right, so I will admit that most of what I know about MKUltra is from the episode that Heath did on it, but I don't recall phone calls with a DC area code or social media messages factoring into them all that heavily, right?

No, I don't remember that either.

So

from there, Jacob explains how...

Even if that whole theory about Michelle Rodriguez and covertly working for the NSA was completely wrong, He did get an email from Donald Trump one time.

So,

QED, it wasn't wrong.

Go fuck yourself.

Quote: I have evidence that the POTUS himself contacted me after January 6th, 2021, on January 8th, 2021, proven by Exhibit F.

This private message from DonaldTrump at NSA.gov

is the cherry on the Sunday sick that's spelled capitalized as if the day.

When it comes to knowing for certain that the government was monitoring me prior to January 6th and tracking my every move accordingly.

Okay,

none of you got me anything for my birthday, but I would like to request that I get to watch Noah explain to Jacob why that's the incorrect spelling of Sunday.

That's what I want for my birthday this year.

That's what I want for my birthday every year.

You know, Heath, for a moment there, I will admit I kind of lost the thread for what this lawsuit was about.

And then I remembered that about was the wrong framing here.

So

there's no thread.

Yeah, there's no spoon.

There's no thread.

So you're probably wondering, though, Tom, you must be wondering if Jacob is into crypto.

He is into crypto.

And you're probably wondering how that's going.

The answer is

not great for Jacob anyway.

Here's the story from Jacob.

I also have proof that the government recently stole my cryptocurrency wallet valued at over $100,000.

Yeah, I also have a witness to the money being there and having four separate crypto wallets in one account, then my password being changed, and finding I suddenly have only one crypto wallet and only $200

in Solana coin.

The second time that he's like, don't act like I don't have that hearsay because I do

Just a side note, the Solana blockchain platform, that's the Solana coin is their native coin.

That's the one Donald Trump used for the Trump meme coin and Melania used for the Melania meme coin.

Sure.

So that's what's going on there.

And then Jacob adds an amazing detail right after talking about his Solana.

stolen.

Quote, the same night slash early morning that my crypto wallet was stolen, someone once again illegally came into our home and left something in my mother's purse.

What?

Animal, vegetable, or mineral.

Well,

are we doing a game?

Is this a game?

All I want in the world right now is for mother's purse to not be a metaphor for anybody.

Okay.

Hey, Aba, how come there's condoms in here again?

Oh, must be that darn NSATO.

always coming in here with a

okay but what about the psychotronic weapons and the freemasons i was gonna ask i was

and tom were both curious about great question both of you jacob continues whoever and whatever is in charge of the malevolent use of these psychotronic weapons in our government or in the masonic lodges are the ones that are running the country.

For it is they that are the invisible gun at my head.

I have reason to believe that it may actually be an artificial intelligence defense system designed to implement MK ultra-style mind control protocols on targeted individuals using psychotronic weapons, which could very well mean the national security state is being controlled by artificial intelligence, not by elected officials.

I mean, at this point, I'm open to it, right?

Can we at least all open the market?

This was maybe a good point here.

At least intelligence would be involved in some way so

all right this is how you get tariffs on penguins okay

right here

okay but how is all of that proven by the covet pandemic another great question by i'm assuming all of you you just didn't say it out loud according to jacob if we examine my allegations alongside the way that a u.s slash chinese man-made virus and mRNA gene therapy bioweapon was deployed by the U.S.

military and forced on the American people during COVID-19 lockdowns.

We see that the government is willing to affect our freedom to assemble, which is a clear violation of our First Amendment right to peacefully assemble.

Then he cites more exhibits that

again, we can't see.

And he continues: there is black and white ink on paper proof that non-DOD government agencies and the DOD knowingly participated in these crimes against humanity when they pushed the COVID-19 mRNA gene therapy, that was in fact a bioweapon made made by DARPA, to be used on the unsuspecting public as a vaccine.

I have not read a more succinctly written op-ed for the funding of universal mental health care than this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So from there, Jacob gives us a pretty extensive description of the U.S.

government being in league with nefarious entities like the Italian mafia, the Jewish mafia, Swedish

royalty.

There was a big section on Swedish royalty.

And of course, the evil cabal of international bankers.

I feel like that's an awkward table, right?

You got criminals and lizard Jews and,

well, and some blonde people with largely honorary titles.

No, I'm not there.

I've read enough, David Icke, to know that saying evil cabal of international bankers and Jewish mafia is just weirdly redundant.

Yeah.

Somebody set the stopwatch for Rothschild.

Well, it'll get there.

It'll get there.

So the basic idea, the U.S.

government is controlled by the Illuminati, and that's illegal.

Now, will that be leading to a grand proclamation from Jacob?

Yes, it will.

He continues, I hereby declare total independence from this foreign power's corrupted financial system.

In doing so, I've used the corrupted legal system's own weight and corruption as the legal weapon for its demise and self-destruction.

So, if you think about it, I just did jiu-jitsu with my brain.

So, very clearly, this guy's doing BJJ and he was like, I'm going to do BJJ in my lawsuit.

This is perfect.

He continues, with this legal action, I also hereby make myself the first legal president of the new Constitutional Republic of the United States of America.

Sure.

Copy and paste this as a status to protect yourself.

I'm actually good with Facebook taking ownership of all of my photos at midnight.

See, so they're mostly on my cats.

cats.

I have funny.

Hey, Heath, what about Jacob's first presidential act?

First presidential act?

Such a good question, Cecil.

Thank you.

You're probably wondering, is it a super cool, smart

informed by Jacob's nuanced understanding of macroeconomics and monetary policy and international relations?

Well,

you decide.

Here it is.

Quote, as my first presidential act, I'm ordering the Federal Reserve to mint a single one-ounce gold coin and set its value at $40 trillion and pay off the debt, giving that $40 trillion coin to me.

$30 trillion

will sit in the new U.S.

Treasury.

$1 trillion will be given to me for my years' worth of pain and suffering.

The other $1 trillion will go toward creating a new civilization based on symbiosis

between humanity and nature in the new United States of America.

I want to hear how Jacob plans to symbiosis humanity and nature.

I know it's a weird takeaway from that, but I want to know what he's planning to do.

It's just very awkward trying to get someone to make change for that coin.

Like, hey, buddy,

can you break $40 trillion?

I only need $2 trillion back, though.

I only need $2 trillion back.

Also, wasn't he supposed to do a million for like a trillion for infrastructure week?

Well, that's the symbiosis.

This is the symbiosis, bro.

Symbiosis between humanity and intimidation.

Yeah, yeah.

Creating a new civilization is a lot of infrastructure.

So much infrastructure.

Like a quarter is bigger than a dime, right?

And a dollar is bigger than a course.

Like, imagine if it scales up, you know, just size-wise, how big the $40 trillion is.

You can climb it to the moon.

We're going to stack it on top of him again, like Cecil said before.

Yeah.

So now you're probably wondering, Cecil, what are you wondering about?

Just, you know, maybe where's the new capital city?

Great question.

Great question.

And I'm assuming you must be wondering about.

Does it have layering?

Yeah,

okay.

Because that was my question.

Okay, don't worry.

Jacob explains answers to both those questions.

Wow.

I am hereby assuming command of the country.

You already said that, bud.

You already said hereby doing that.

You're the president.

He said that twice, though.

Okay, so that's official.

He continues.

Phoenix, Arizona, answer your question, Cecil, will befittingly become the new capital of the new Constitutional Republic of the United States of America as its capital ground is built, to answer your question, Tom, on ley lines.

I mean, plus, they can't bomb us if the capital city is already on fire, right?

So that's a new acknowledgement.

I hope they put the entire White House on a trailer and drive it out there, like one big fucking trailer

with the ballroom.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm doing another trailer.

I'm doing a second truck that's got to drive right next to it the whole time.

They're going to match speed.

Yeah.

I'm trying to remember what ley lines are.

They're like invisible energy lines of the center of something.

Because it turns out that if you take two points and you draw a line between them, it's a straight line.

Breaky for the earth.

Yes.

That's like how there's like peak and then valley like every time.

That's crazy.

Okay.

Well, from there, we get step two of his new administration.

Quote, as my second presidential act, I am offering all nations who wish to defect from their own Rothschild-owned

sick, it's actually Rothschild, it's fine, central banking system, the opportunity to join the new Constitutional Republic of the United States of America and use the loophole I have created to escape economic slavery.

Okay, I really want Luxembourg to take him him up on.

Yeah.

I want to see the UN equivalent of that freak out scene in Jerry McGuire, right?

With just Luxembourg walking out.

He's coming with me.

Luxembourg, thank you.

Luxembourg.

Anybody else?

Fuck.

Did Canada?

Did you raise your...

Nope.

Okay.

Okay.

Whatever.

So here's the big finale from Jacob and his,

again, $40 trillion.

He speaks the most niche.

Shut up, Luxembourg.

God damn it.

Here's the finale.

I have taken the seemingly infinite steps

necessary

from the past.

Right.

I don't know why.

That would seem infinite.

Like, we're reading it.

He's taken the seemingly infinite steps necessary to rescue our republic that I spoke of in my Declaration of Independence in 2009, the sequel.

And I have arrived at my destination using truth as my sword and shield, and peace, freedom, and abundance as my promised land.

Kind of got muddled there.

Okay.

Continuing.

All glory to the omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent Creator God.

Happy 250th birthday, United States of America.

And you thought he forgot our birthday.

Happy birthday to Jesus Christ.

And there's just one final sentence to close it out.

It says,

Abracadabra satur arepo tenet opera rotas abracadabra.

Sure.

Exclamation.

So at first, I thought he was doing, like, I don't know, a counter spell that blocks the Freemasons and their satanic powers with their evil spell.

And then I realized he's just doing a palindrome, but he got the palindrome wrong because, yeah, abracadabra backwards is Arma Da Carba.

So he went for the big palindrome clothes for 40 trillion and he missed

the end of lawsuit seriously for $40 trillion.

Man, way to give him something to pick apart and appeals, dude.

Fucked up, bro.

I'm sorry, did you try to end this with a palindrome?

Taste dismissed.

Get it out of here.

Just making him read it backwards.

He disappears back into his own dimension.

All right, so

if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be?

I mean, like, N slash A, but like, okay, the failed palindrome, it's just so perfectly emblematic of the ineptitude of the entire J6 mob and the QAnon mob and the anti-vaxxer conspiracy mob that I almost think the lawsuit is someone pretending to be the QAnon shaman for satire, but it's not.

It's actually

real, sadly.

And are you ready for the quiz?

Let's do the quiz.

All right, Heath, what's the name of Jacob's revolutionary Red Dawn action-packed movie where he overthrows the government and Donald Trump?

A

independence

day.

The adult diaper.

B.

Yep.

The bipolar express.

Yikes.

Or C

in Milania Fire.

In Milania Fi.

Are you going for it in the line of fire?

In the line of fire is what I'm saying.

It's pretty close.

Brilliant movie.

I like that movie.

I'm going to go with C because I like that 90s.

It's a good movie.

It's a good movie that holds up.

Sure does.

Does it?

Nothing does.

Michelle Rodriguez didn't even hold up.

I hate to see it.

They say it was a right-wing film that pushed the shaman over the edge, and he hasn't been the same since.

What was the name of that movie?

Hey,

only Tim Pool's Russian.

B.

Oh, my God.

Russian is spelled like the Russian people.

Anyway, B, Bonfire of the Hannities.

C,

Drudge Dred, or D

Alex Jones's diary.

Oh,

look that

excellent choices all around.

I'm going bonfire of the Hannities, though.

Correct.

Bonfire of the Hannities.

Okay, I just want to remind everyone that

where we go one, we go all.

So

where are we going?

A,

to get some witch hazel, clean up all that face paint.

B, to make friends with the cast of the doomsday preppers.

It feels

necessary now.

C, to pick up our copy of what to expect when expecting an economic collapse.

Or D, a distake and shake.

They now make everything with beef tallow for health reasons.

Wait, do they seriously?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yep.

Damn it.

True thing.

Okay.

Genuinely, though, make friends with doomsday peppers.

Like, I'm not averse to that entirely for myself in my real life.

Come to my house.

It is.

We're doing it.

We're already.

All right.

Well, it looks like you're three for a while.

Heath, you are the winner this week.

All right.

Tom, let's hear from you next week.

We'll hang out in the bunker or we'll get an essay together.

There you go.

Some freeze-dried legumes together.

All right.

Well, for Heath, Tom, Cecil, and Eli, I'm Noah, thanking you for hanging out with us today.

We're going to be back next week.

And by then, Tom will be an expert on something else.

Between now and then, you can hear more from us on cognitive dissonance, the scathing idiots, the skeptic, God Open Movies, Dear Old Death, DD Minus, the No Rogan experience, and probably more of them.

I can't keep up.

And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com.

And then, when my trillion-dollar check comes in, I could probably take you to dinner somewhere nice, like Red Lobster.

Red Lobster, huh?

Damn it, I went went forward.

What the fuck is that?

No idea.

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