381: Until Oblivion Hits

Hello and welcome to Dear Hank and John.

Or as I prefer to think of it, dear John and Hank.

It's a podcast where two brothers answer your questions, give you Dubese advice, and bring you all the week's news from both Mars and AFC Wimbledon.

John, do you know why teachers fart, but only when there's just one single student in the room?

No.

Because when that happens, they're private tutors.

Thanks.

Thanks very much.

I don't know why that was.

I got it, everybody.

It wasn't a good joke, but it got me.

Yeah.

I've been doing stand-up comedy for the last week, so my delivery is very good.

That's right.

Your timing and your pacing have gotten better.

So now, are you in that situation that Mike Berbiglia is in, where he can say something to me, and if he wants it to be funny, it'll be funny regardless of whether it's funny?

Yeah, that's like, it's like a little spell that certain comedians can cast.

I don't think I can do that, but I am in like tell jokes jokes all the time mode.

Yeah, that's great.

I love it, man.

I want you to continue to be a stand-up comic and I want to be your opening act, but I don't want to be like a comedian opening act.

I want to be like a real downer.

Set the mood.

We're going to have a good time tonight, but first.

But not yet.

This world is not just.

No, we're going to start out with the Harvey essay from the Anthropocene Review.

That sounds great, actually.

I love to go on tour with you again i would too that would be so fun i miss doing it um

hey i think uh i get to announce something today oh i know what it is i don't think you do do i not know what it is at all it's that the turtles all the way down movie i think is going to come out

And I'm going to be at the at SCAD TV.

Okay.

That's the thing that exists?

It's a TV festival.

I'm going to be there with Hannah Marks, the director of the movie.

They named it SCAD.

Yeah, I think they named it SCAD because it's maybe at the Savannah College of Art and Design, but it might be in Atlanta.

It's in Georgia.

SCAD is right close to a lot of words that I don't love.

The SCAD TV Fest is

in Savannah, it looks like.

So go to the SCAD TV Fest, get your tickets, get your pass, come see me.

It'll be fun.

I think you get to see part of the movie.

And, oh, but not the whole movie.

I don't actually know, Hank.

John's got an announcement.

He does not know the contents of the announcement.

Dude, I found this out 45 seconds ago from Peyton, our TikTok colleague.

Yeah.

And she was like, are you doing this?

And I said, yes, but I don't think it's been announced.

And she was like, well, here are the tickets.

So it's announced enough for you.

Yeah, great.

Okay.

And the most exciting thing is that the Turtles All the Way Down movie is going to come out.

This is a book that I wrote in 2017.

So many of you have been kind about it and generous about it.

And they made a movie.

The movie is incredible.

But for complicated reasons involving movie studios and whatnots, it's taken a while to come out, but it's finally coming out.

I mean, like, I don't know if I can say this, but John just sent me a link to the movie and I got to watch it.

How was it?

It was great.

Yeah.

It's great.

Very, very pokey in the fieldsies.

It's funny in times.

It's great.

I think it's the best.

I don't know.

I really love it.

I don't want to judge.

I don't want to pick a favorite child.

Features video from Master of Microscopes, James Weiss, from Journey to the Microcosmos.

Yes, Journey to the Microcosmos plays a surprisingly large role in the film.

There's also a bunch of Nerdfighter in references.

I won't spoil the best one, but there's one that will absolutely make you burst into tears.

Oh, gosh.

Damn.

All right, Hank, let's answer some questions from our listeners, if that's okay.

Yeah, I'd be happy to do that.

Let's start with this one from a six-year-old listener.

I think this person is anonymous, but they wrote in and said, why do people have butts?

Oh,

there's a bunch of reasons.

Depends on what you mean.

There's two different butts, which I think that people don't get this.

Yeah.

Yes, there's the part of the butt where the poop comes out.

Yep.

And we call that the butt, but that's not the butt.

That's not the butt.

We call that the butt, but that's not the butt.

Right.

That's the butthole.

Yep.

And then there's the butt, which is

two big lumps of muscle and flesh.

And in your opinion, that's the butt.

That's the butt.

That's what you picture when you hear butt.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you include the crack in that?

The crack is like a donut hole.

It is

a negative, it's a negative space.

So you have a donut and there's a hole in the middle of the donut.

But the hole is not a part of the donut.

It is a shape that is created by the donut.

The crack is a shape that is created by the butt.

Respectful disagree.

Um, really, what why

do you think the butt crack exists?

Yeah, I think the butt crack exists.

I don't even think that's a particularly controversial statement.

I think

if you asked 100 Americans, does the butt crack exist?

100 Americans would say yes.

The hole in the doughnut also exists,

yeah, but it's not a physical thing, like you can't put it in your mouth.

Well, I mean, if you want to go there, i don't think we should

but i think that bolsters my argument

at any rate

i think that the butt is everything

i think the butt includes the butthole you think the butt includes the butthole absolutely

i disagree no that's part of the butt nope it's all all part of the butt everything the hips are part of the butt it the butt extends well if the butt from the hips all the way back and includes everything in that area but that's not in any way.

That's not helping answer the question.

I can answer the question, why does the butthole exist very easily?

Which is his.

Yeah, no, but that's not the question.

The question is, why do people have butts?

Yeah.

So, so

because

if you look at it, like, so we need muscles to move our bodies around.

And

as we went upright from being sort of like bent over and walking on all fours, we needed a sort of special set of muscles.

And the sort of optimal way for those muscles to work looks like a butt.

Oh, like you would design it that way if you could make us from scratch.

I don't know about that, but as

if you start out with the things working on all fours

and you're like, okay, we need this thing to be on two legs, you would get a butt.

If you were to design that change optimally, you end up with a butt.

That's interesting.

And it is,

I would argue, it is the place where the two legs come together at the top.

Right.

And so butt is part of the legs, which we've been over this.

We've been over this.

And most of my physician friends agree with you, although interestingly, some disagree with you.

So this is not something where all the doctors have settled an opinion.

I had a conversation with some folks who use weights to get strong.

And they agree that it is also part of the legs because

there's

you do butt on leg day.

Yeah, you cover it on leg day.

Yeah, for sure.

Now, some people have their own special butt day, but most people cover it on leg day yeah

okay that's actually what that you two song is about it you you think it's his accent it sounds like beautiful day but he's saying it's a buttiful day because it's very full of butts god that's see now that's not funny no it would have killed on stage

Did you use that joke on stage?

It killed on stage.

Yes, absolutely.

You used that one?

Yeah, no, I had that one in my show.

I wrote that joke years ago.

Yeah.

And so it just happened to...

No, John.

No, I did not.

Oh, okay.

I was like, because if that joke killed on stage, I am deeply concerned about your material that didn't land.

I think you might have had the most generous audience in the history of the world.

It's buttoful.

I don't, I listen, I don't dislike it as a pun.

It's just more of a visual pun, I think.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It's not great is what I'm saying.

I agree.

People have butts so that we can stand.

Did we explain why you sound different?

Oh, right.

I sound different because I'm recording on my phone and I'm recording on my phone because my computer has rejected my microphone.

And Hank thinks this is part of some broader failure of mine, but I don't agree.

I think I'm fine.

I'm doing okay.

As part of this conversation, 46.

I'm not a Kelsey brother, okay?

I can't have a fancy camera setup with and looking really handsome with my perfect beard and staring into the camera and having excellent audio quality.

Okay.

I'm not a mimbimbam brother.

All right.

I'm not a professional podcaster.

I'm a green brother.

And that means that everything is going to be a little dubious, a little suboptimal.

I agree that we're not going to get there with you where we get to have a video podcast where there's good video.

I think we could get there, but I think we'd have to have somebody come in and install it.

Yeah.

I'd like to have a video podcast with you.

That sounds fun.

Oh, well, that's great news because I would also love for our podcast to have a video element.

I think a bigger concern

is that I knew this in my head, but I had never said it out loud that you edit video on a trackpad on a laptop.

Yeah, how else are you going to do it?

With a number of tools.

I have a device, John.

No.

Do you know about my device?

I have a device.

I do.

You got that little scrolly thing.

Now you can edit a Vlogbrothers video in less time than it takes you to record a Vlogbrothers video.

But I enjoy my Tuesday mornings.

I write the video on Monday night, and then on Tuesday morning, I wake up, I record between 7.40 and 8.30, and then I edit for three hours, even though it's a four-minute video.

I'm not worried about your temperature.

All it has is jump cuts.

I'm worried about your fingers.

I'm worried about your forearms.

I'm worried about your repetitive stress injuries.

No, those are great.

Are you kidding?

That's the only place where I'm healthy.

I've signed my name 700,000 times.

I feel great in the elbow.

I've got a lot leafy arms.

Yeah.

No, I'm ripped.

I'm like a rock climber.

I'm like Alex Honold.

You know what, Hank?

Let's answer this question from Dylan.

Okay.

This one says, dear strangers, I've listened to talk for over 100 hours.

I'm a a delivery driver for a pizza chain and I deliver to a lot of houses.

And a lot of those houses have animals.

And these animals sometimes run out when the people answer the door.

When an animal runs out, what do I do as a pizza delivery driver?

Do I go after the animal?

Do I stand there and hope that it just like comes back?

Do I throw the pizza into the house and run back to my car?

All dubious advice is appreciated.

Chilling like a villain and hoping to make a kill in Dylan.

I think you pretend it didn't happen.

No, yeah.

You just

let it go.

Yeah.

And then if they're like, hey, did you see my dog?

You're like, yeah, I think so.

I saw a dog leave this house, but I don't know for sure if it's your dog.

Do you?

I think you get real semantic with them.

People love that when their dog is lost.

I think you got to get good at lasso.

Oh, now that's pretty good.

Now that, I'll tell you what, if you want to double your tip, Lasso my dog as he runs out of the house.

Yeah, you got to have one of those stiff ropes just on your belt loop.

Yeah.

Just pop it off and

yeah.

I think you have to, now, do you have to say yee-haw when you're when

the lasso is exiting your hand?

You know, when you're doing the throw, do you have to say yeewhy is a law?

Or can you say chihuahua?

Chihuahua.

Because I think it's best if you say the name of the animal as you're doing it for sure.

Like my dog potato is a Logoto Romignolo, which I know.

That sounds like a rope.

It's but that's my point.

If you, if, if potato is running out the door and the delivery driver says, Legoto Roman Yolo, and throws that lasso, I mean, that is very impressive, especially if you catch it on the ring cam and you can send it in as a tick-tock.

Yes,

it's gonna blow up on Reddit.

This, and then you got to be like, Look, in exchange for having lassoed your dog, I do need you to email me the file, right?

And then you become a professional lassoing escaped dogs TikTok influencer which i bet is a job at this point yeah i mean it's at least at least for six months as long as those videos last longer than a minute you're gonna get some serious ad revenue

maybe it's just maybe uh it's just good for the the company uh and then you're gonna add so much value through the dog lassoing that they'll promote you to owner and they'll just give you the dominoes will make you the ceo of dominoes they'll be like this is the guy we've been waiting for this is the move

i love it i love it.

But then you'll find out that you don't actually want to be the CEO of Domino's.

That job kind of sucks.

You know, I started out lassoing dogs, and now I just manage people all day.

I'm always in meetings.

I haven't gotten to use my lasso in years, and I am one of the world's leading experts in dog lassoing.

Yeah.

Yeah, though, I do like the idea.

I can see you like the idea of turning the dog over and just hog-tying it, just like right around the feet.

You're like, and we're done.

Yeah, right.

I don't know if people stop that.

I don't know if people have been to rodeos, but that's what happens.

Yeah, that might have been a Montana-specific joke, but I liked it.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, I got another question for you, Hank.

Okay.

All right.

This question comes from Anonymous, Hank, who writes, Hi, guys.

I'm turning 30 at the end of this year, and on the whole, I feel pretty okay about it.

I mean, I'd rather turn 30 than not turn 30, you know?

But this birthday has got me thinking: have most people been 30?

I don't mean most people alive right now.

I mean, like, all the humans that have ever lived.

Did most of them get to be 30?

Now that I've thought about this, I can't get the question off my mind.

So any dubious answers are greatly appreciated.

30 soon and thriving, hopefully anonymous.

Well, interestingly, most people on Earth

don't quite know or close to, it's very close, but maybe like less than somewhat close to, but less than 50% of people on Earth don't know what it's like to be 30 currently, which is wild.

The median human age at the moment is around 30.

But it is going up.

Yeah, yeah.

I think.

It is definitely going up.

The answer to the question is

not only have most people never been 30, most people have probably never been 20.

Yeah.

I think most people never have.

If you're 21, you've outlived the median human.

So we think the median human lived to be around 19.

Now, this is because, or it could have been 15.

Like the most common age at death.

Yeah.

Or no.

The most common age of death was always until like a few years ago, it was, you know, between zero and five.

Yeah, or between zero and one, probably.

Yeah, the most common age of death historically is early childhood.

But in terms of how long the median life lasted,

probably teens because we lost just under half of people before the age of five.

And then five to 15 is another kind of bad time historically.

15 to, say,

45, a little bit better.

This is actually one of the reasons why tuberculosis had such a unique place in human society classically, is because it was called the robber of youth.

It was seen as the disease that struck when diseases weren't supposed to strike.

because it mostly killed young adults, like it mostly killed people in the so-called prime of life.

And

there's this ongoing myth, Hank, that drives me crazy where people say the only reason why life expectancy is longer than it used to be is because it used to be that, like, almost half of kids died, and now child death is much more rare.

Which, like, first off, that's good.

That's a contributor.

That's a, yeah, it's a good thing.

It's the lion's share of why life is longer.

And I would argue

great,

Like super underrated.

Don't love child Beth.

But also,

your median life expectancy at age 10

was significantly lower than it is now, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60.

There was no time of life that it wasn't worse

in every way in 1800.

Yeah, no, I mean,

until very recently, like within the last 10 or 20 years, the most common age age at death for a human was between zero and five.

And when it switched, it didn't switch to like between five and 10.

It switched to like between 80 and 85 is now on Earth, the most common age at death, which is not how we think.

Now, of course, there's lots of people dying all over the place throughout that entire lifespan, and there's lots of people in their 60s, 70s who are dying.

But like worldwide, the most common age at death, certainly not the majority of the deaths, but the most common common age at death is in the 80s.

Yeah.

And that's a pretty big shift all of a sudden to have it go from zero to 80.

Would you take that?

Take what?

80.

I'd take 80.

I wouldn't have taken 80 last year.

Really?

Yeah, no.

Last year, my, like, my first.

First off, that was your first mistake.

Well, no, because in the.

See, that's a great, that's a great joke.

Let's pause and appreciate how dark that joke is.

Thank you.

That joke is dark as hell.

But like, the most common age of death for someone like me in my country is in the 90s now.

I understand.

But I'm saying, like,

you take a guaranteed 80 all day because it's guaranteed.

Yeah.

I'll take a risk until I have a bunch of risk factors that make it less likely that I'm going to make it to 90.

That was also a dark.

I would super take 80 right now.

I would take 80.

I would pay for 80.

I would climb over mountains for 80.

Yeah.

I think you'll live to be 80.

I think there's a good chance.

I'm kind of counting on it personally because I'm planning to live to be 80 and I'd like to go like, I'd like you to have a solid two years of mourning.

Yeah, before I go,

I think we should lay down in our hospice beds next to each other.

Podcast until oblivion hits.

Yeah, by then the podcast will have been called Dear John and Hank for so long that people will have forgotten its original name.

Yeah, we won't remember either.

We'll be like the last people doing, it's like the equivalent of being the last person doing a radio drama in the 1940s style.

It'll be like 2060, and we'll still be making pods, and people will be like, man, this is amazing.

Like these guys still sound like I love Lucy.

And the really weird thing is that Leon Musk will actually be a bigger deal than Elon Musk in that, in 2060,

because we will have created him.

I'm going to take the underworld.

We'll have created him in a laboratory.

And

he will be

very powerful.

Could you imagine just a billionaire

with just tremendous influence over a lot of humans who just cares about Earth?

Just wants to make...

He's just hardcore pro-Earth, but he's also a little bit anti-other places.

I could see that going wrong.

I mean, the problem is that no amount, like that amount of power shouldn't be invested in any individual.

And I can say that as an individual with a lot of power, I feel like, because I have way too much, way too much.

It's not healthy.

It's not good for me.

It's not good for the world.

And like, I have, what do you think?

Like, one billionth the power of Elon Musk?

Well, John, you can make it go away real quick.

I can't make Elon Musk's money.

No, you can make it try.

I can't even make your power go away.

I know.

I've thought about it.

But then I'm like, oh, but I like it.

And all the easy ways, you don't come out reputationally neutral.

Oh, you mean like I could make it go away by like committing a major thing?

You could do some crimes.

You could have a bunch of opinions that you don't actually have.

Yeah.

Ooh, I could try to have new opinions.

That's what Elon Musk did.

Yeah, you could get a whole new audience really fast.

That's true.

And a way worse.

He seems so nice.

You know, it would be hilarious if I was like, if one day I came on the podcast and I was like, y'all, I've thought about it a lot and I support Milton Keynes.

that that might do it on its own i was trying to remember what economist that is

the worst one of them all

is there an economist whose last name is keynes or something like that yeah john maynard keynes and there's also one whose first name is milton milton keynote so you weren't far off

that's why they named it that you're right you were on track man yeah

is that why that's such a bad town because it's just economists

yeah um it is actually it's like a planned city you know but so is we need more of those in this place john why don't we make more cities

well we planned we planned milton keynotes really poorly yeah but we've we've learned better now and we can build the line and saudi arabia i'm in favor of it john this next question it comes from audrey who asks hi hank and john john and hank i need some help with an issue that is more serious.

I'm 26 years old and I have a problem drinking.

I know I should say this to my therapist, but for some reason I'm embarrassed to even tell him.

When I start to drink at a party with friends, I often, not always, but many times, seem to go overboard.

It's hurt a lot of important relationships in my life, and I don't even know where to start.

If there's alcohol around in a social setting, I cannot help but have some.

I don't feel the need to drink all the time, but I know I can't keep this up.

If you have any advice or suggestions, I'm overwhelmed with some shame and guilt, and I would appreciate any help you can offer.

Sorry, it's a little sad and dark, but I feel mighty lost, and I just want to stop disappointing people.

It's really hard.

Thank you, Audrey.

Yeah, so I think, you know,

mental health disorders like substance abuse use disorders are often really highly stigmatized, Audrey.

And some of the shame and guilt that you feel is because of disappointing people you love.

And some of it is probably also because,

you know, you're going through something that's highly stigmatized, that's like so stigmatized that you're afraid to even tell the person in your life who you look to for mental health support about it yeah who like literally cannot legally tell anybody else yeah but that's like that's the social order's fault right like

not to make everything about tuberculosis but like tb is the same way a lot of times like people are are really afraid to disclose their their um

even their symptoms because they know what it might mean for their social standing.

And also, it is really hard, as you say.

I would really encourage you to tell your therapist.

This is somebody who can't reveal anything about you or this,

somebody who hopefully you can trust.

And it's hard work getting sober.

But I will say, in my experience, having loved a lot of people in my life who live with substance use problems,

it doesn't tend to get better.

It doesn't tend to, you know,

you say, I know I can't keep this up.

It doesn't tend to go to a good place after that.

You know, it tends to get worse and worse and worse and worse.

And

until you find a bottom, hopefully.

So I would just encourage you to talk to somebody.

And if it makes sense for you,

there are meetings of sober people

where you can go and you can talk about sobriety.

And some of those meetings are AA meetings and other meetings are involve other organizations.

But

that's where it starts, I think.

For most of the people I know and love who are sober today,

it happened because they made that commitment, but also because they're in a community of sober people who can share the journey with them.

I think you can get well.

And I think you know, the first step, literally and figuratively, is recognizing that you, you have a problem and that's where you are.

And now it's time to take the next step.

So I hope you do that today.

Yeah, I think that the thing that you said in there

is that like you recognize that it's had an like a negative impact on people around you.

And like,

at that point, it's a problem.

And like, you need to talk to people about the problem.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I know it's hard.

I know it's hard.

I just think today's the day.

Yeah.

And

if you want to get super the weirdest way, you can get chemotherapy.

And now I cannot enjoy alcohol for some reason.

Really?

I hate it.

Every time I have drunk since I finished chemo, I'm like, ugh.

Yeah, I'm, I,

I don't, uh, there's a great, there's a great Seth Rogan joke that I think about a lot where he said, the thing about alcohol is that the marketing is so good, you forget that it sucks.

The marketing is so good.

I will look at a

bottle of whiskey, even having had six drinks since chemo and not enjoyed it a single time, I will look at a bottle of whiskey and be like, I desperately want that elixir of life.

I want that potion in my body.

And then I put it in and I'm like, wow, this tastes just like the poison they gave me.

This feels like this is the time I got poisoned professionally.

Part of what's so weird is that everybody responds to different drugs differently.

Of course.

Yeah, yeah.

And the way Audrey's responding to it, of course, is very different from that way.

But yeah, it's so,

you know, for

it's so impossible to say no to for people who are in that position, right?

Like, and I know it must be impossible because I see what they give up.

So it's, yeah, it's a personal thing for me.

And

yeah, it's just, it's hard, but I will say, like, there, there is hope.

You know, I i know a lot of people

um

who are who have really fulfilling lives in sobriety

so anyway i wish you the best okay hank we're going to transition away from serious stuff to zayden's question zayden is nine um and listens to the podcast with Zayden's moms and says, I have a science question.

When the leaves on trees change color in the fall, some trees change color on one side before the other.

So one side is orange and the other side is still green.

Why and why only some trees?

Sincerely, Zayden, Zayden, I have wondered this for years and I hope Hank can tell us.

I mean, it's probably microclimate.

So it's probably like that, like there is something that is making one side of the tree warmer or making one side of the tree see more light.

Se is not the right word, but like be hit by more light.

And there's, I've seen an example of this where there's like a tree growing near a street lamp and the air in like the area around the street lamp is warmer.

And so like the tree is like fall is everywhere except for here.

And it's not quite fall here yet, but it's fall on the whole rest of the tree.

It's so warm.

Yeah.

And I, so I, I think that's what it's what and so like if you're nearer to a building, that building can get warmed by the sun and then that side of the tree will feel the radiation from the building.

That is, that is when I have seen it.

It's usually to do with warmth rather than light.

It's a fire that burns with more heat than light.

I don't know what it is.

That's a Shakespeare.

There's a Shakespeare line

a fire that burns with more light than heat.

And I've tried to use that in every single book I've ever written.

I've inserted it into all, I even inserted it into my book about tuberculosis and I was like, no, it doesn't work.

I feel like you wanted to have a book called More Light Than Heat.

Like that was your original.

I did.

I still, I want to call every book I write more light than heat.

I want to call this book about tuberculosis more light than heat.

It's a great title.

Yeah.

I mean, that, are you kidding?

A book about tuberculosis called More Light Than Heat, that's going to sell millions of people.

It could also be

a great name for a book about the history of artificial lighting, which has been the process of getting to more light than heat.

Now our lights use

it produce way more light than heat.

And originally they produced way more heat than light because we were just burning stuff.

There you go, Hank.

Now that maybe that's my next major project.

I'll do it with you.

And I'll write jokes.

I'll write the joke parts.

I love it.

I love it.

What I love most about that is that I've only written one book with a Shakespeare title and it sold 30 million copies.

And I think if I wrote another book with a Shakespeare title that was about the evolution of artificial light to develop more light than heat, it would sell another 30 million copies.

And I would finally be happy.

I would finally feel fulfilled.

I would feel like I did something in this world.

My psychiatrist yesterday was like, I hope you take some time.

uh to just you know recognize that you have helped people and i was like shut up god yeah so annoying i don't i don't know I'm going to take zero seconds to do that.

I was, I was hanging out with a friend of mine in San Diego and her dad is like an emergency, like an ER doctor, like an emergency situation doctor.

Unlike me, somebody who actually helps people.

And he's a fan of mine.

And while we were hanging out, texted her and said, it occurs to me that he may have saved more people than me.

And I was like, that's not.

No, no disrespect, but that's not how it works.

I don't know what you mean.

No, every ER doctor, even the worst one, has saved more people than you.

ER doctor in the first six, in the first day on the job.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, you know who didn't get called into work on March 8th, 2020?

Hank.

I talked to a guy.

I sit next to a guy on the plane home, and he works at a medical equipment supplier.

And

I was like, so did you work there during COVID?

And And he's like, I just started.

And I was like, how did that go?

And he was like, I lived in New York City suddenly and surprisingly for six months and I didn't see my family.

Wow.

Wow.

And I had a four-year-old daughter.

And he was like, what do you do?

And I was like, do you want to see my

analytics on Sideshow Kids?

Mostly TikTok.

I was like going through the analytics report.

And I was like, here's what a CTR is.

I'm probably best known for telling people not to eat grass.

It saved a lot of lives.

Have you ever wondered where the candle wax goes?

That's my job.

Do you know that corn is a crab?

Do you know that if you put a hyperoxygenated fluid into someone's rectum, it can actually oxygenate their blood?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I do for a living.

I inform people about something that someone else learned.

Air is made out of stuff.

Like, imagine sticking your hand out of this plane right now.

You'd be like, wow, that's that's a lot of stuff.

Yeah.

But it doesn't feel like stuff.

Yeah.

That's my job.

Right.

Yeah.

I mostly come up with metaphors to help people understand

kind of high school level chemistry.

Yeah.

Imagine the cars.

Anyway, that medical device stuff sounds important.

Yeah.

He was great.

It was fun to chat with.

Like I was saying to my psychiatrist yesterday, like,

The great, the incredible thing about my job, as opposed to everyone else who does some version of my job, is that there's someone in my life who knows exactly how it feels to have my job.

Yeah.

And I can talk to that person

and

I can

commiserate with them and empathize with them in a way that I literally can't empathize with anyone else.

And how, just how grateful I am for that and how

conscious I am of its fragility.

Like that, that there's nothing guaranteed about that.

And there was nothing guaranteed.

Like it would have been so bad if all that Fault in Our Star stuff had happened and we hadn't been doing Blog Brothers.

You know what I mean?

Like if I'd been like alone in that, it would have been so bad for me.

Yeah, I could definitely see that.

I like the

parts, especially if you were public on the internet.

Right.

That's what I mean.

If the Fault in our Star stuff had happened and I hadn't been public on the internet, first off, the Fault in Our Star stuff probably wouldn't have happened.

Yeah.

Secondly, I don't know.

It would have been more my friends who've had similar things happened who aren't on the internet kind of did better than i did but then again they're more stable than i

yeah i i uh

it's amazing how long ago all of that was while still being very present in my mind and life yeah

I know.

I look at those pictures of us and we were just babies, which reminds me that today's podcast is belatedly brought to you by brothers.

Brothers.

They're underrated.

Today's podcast is also brought to you by the negative space between the butt cheeks.

It's not a real

part of your butt.

It doesn't

tagline.

Butt cracks don't exist.

That's just not a defensible position.

Today's podcast is additionally brought to you by the leaves that change just from the streetlight.

The leaves that change just from the streetlight, more light than heat.

And also this podcast is, of course, brought to you by Professional Dog Lassoing.

Professional Dog Lassoing TikTok influencer delivery drivers.

The best tech hit new thing to hit the internet since

the Homestar Runner.

So you know when a new shirt just becomes your go-to?

That is what happened to me when I picked up a few new pieces from Quince.

They are my everyday shirts.

If you see me in a button-down, it's almost certainly a Quince button-down because they're the first things I reach for in my closet.

Lightweight, comfortable, and always on point.

Quince has all the things you actually want to wear, like organic cotton silk polos, European linen beach shorts, and comfortable pants that work for everything from backyard hangs to nice dinners.

And by working directly with top artisans to cut out the middlemen, Quince gives you luxury pieces without crazy markup.

So, elevate your closet with Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash dear hank for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-in-n-ce-e.com/slash dear hank to get free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash dear hank.

Alice, you can come in.

If you have a question, it's actually literally a question-answering podcast.

What is your question?

Are we doing anything tonight?

Are we doing anything tonight?

Do you want to do anything tonight?

You don't?

Then we're not doing anything tonight.

Yay!

I won't change my pajamas.

She's going to change into her pajamas.

Nice.

We love to see it.

Yes.

Thank you for closing the door, Alice.

Big fan.

Big fan of Alice.

Oh, my God.

So listen, we have to get to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon.

I'll go first because my news sucks.

Okay.

I don't know if I talked on the pod about the fact that I bought a player in the January transfer window, but that's neither here nor there.

I don't know what that means,

but I know what it cost.

Well, I guess I think I did mention it maybe, but

I kicked in a little bit of money to help AFC Wimbledon keep the services of our central defender star, Joe Lewis, who wears the very short shorts.

He has the thighs that no shorts can contain.

And he was going to go back to Stockport County,

his home club, where he was on their books and he was on loan to us, which is a thing that happens in England.

It's just a weird thing where like you pay their wages and they come play for you for a little while, but they still belong to the other team.

And so they were going to recall him and make him a Stockport County player.

And Joe was like,

I'd rather stay at Wimbledon, but that costs some money.

And so we worked with the club to make that happen.

And now Joe Lewis is a permanent AFC Wimbledon player.

That's great.

That's very exciting.

I also have to say, Hank, that I've heard, I haven't heard it myself, but I've heard there's a song about that that has me in it as a character.

Song?

It's every football fan's dream come true.

I know.

That's exactly whatever it cost, it was worth it.

And I told Sarah this, and she was like, well, I hope you're happy.

And you're like, I am.

I'm very happy.

I was like,

weird way.

It's been a weird week for Hank and John doing crazy things that their wives are like, I guess.

Yeah, exactly.

But at least you're doing stand-up, which makes money.

I'm doing something.

I probably made about as much as that cost last week.

You probably did, actually.

So I just need to go out and do stand-up for a week.

But first, I got to get really good at stand-up.

So anyway,

The song is to the tune of rehab and the first

by Amy Winehouse.

And the first line is they tried to make him go to Stockport and he said, no, no, no.

Anyway, we played the franchise currently plying its trade in Milton Keynes on Tuesday.

We cannot beat these guys.

We've never been able to beat them.

They're in our heads.

Like we, it's, it's the fact they just treat it differently than we treat it.

Like it's, I think a lot, like a lot of our players are from the Academy.

They've played for Wimbledon since they were like eight.

And

they feel the same way we feel, which is that like it's almost unbearable even to have to play them, even to have to like engage in this ridiculousness of trying to acknowledge their reality as a football club when they aren't, you know, in our opinion, a legitimate football club.

They bought their place in the football league.

They continue to call themselves MK Dons, even though they have no connection to Wimbledon Don.

And it just drives us crazy.

And we always play terribly and we played terribly.

We played awful.

We were unbelievably poor in the first half.

Then we got two red cards in the second half because we can't control ourselves.

Like we, it's just, it's anyway,

it was so frustrating.

I was so mad.

I don't get emotionally involved in football results anymore, but I got emotionally involved in this when I really got to the, I got to the bottom of my darkest self, and I did not like what I found down there.

We're playing them again in March, and I've decided to completely change my approach.

They're going to be playing at Wimbledon.

I'm going to the game.

That's the first way I'm changing my approach.

I'm no longer like pretending this doesn't happen or it doesn't matter.

It does happen.

It does matter.

We are going to play them and I'm going to the game with my body, with some friends, hopefully.

Hank, you're welcome if you're available on March 2nd.

March 2nd.

March 2nd, I can't do that.

It's always a reason why you can't do it.

All I ever hear is I can't do that.

Well, I go four times a year.

Well, let me see what happens.

But you can't play me.

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm doing something on that day.

But let me look for you.

For you.

Go ahead and take.

Thank you.

So, anyway,

we're going to play them again in March.

I'm going to treat it completely differently.

It is an important game.

It does matter.

There is no use pretending otherwise.

I don't want to hate them anymore.

I just want to treat them as a rival, a rival that shouldn't exist, but a rival.

And we just need to move forward and treat it as a rivalry and beat them if we can.

Okay, good.

I'm going to be in Colorado.

All right.

That's a good excuse.

On vacation.

Yeah.

That's not as good.

If it was for work, I'd be all for it.

But why don't you just go to vacation in London?

Oh, we've got a whole plan.

I bet you do, but it's not as good as the plan in London.

Well,

I'll talk to my son about that.

What's the news in Mars?

In Mars news, I mean, there's been big Mars news since we've been gone.

We didn't have an episode last week, so we missed this.

But the helicopter.

It's the, it's the, I forgot what it's called.

My friend the helicopter that never stops my friend the helicopter that never stops got lost and we couldn't find it

I mean we knew where it was but it wasn't talking to us

It was going down to land and then they lost contact with it and That could be bad now.

It's got systems so that it can land itself It doesn't like it's not like we need to be able to talk to it while it lands because obviously we can't it's many light minutes away and uh but then we

uh didn't have connection for with it for a long time.

But then they did did a thing where they just sort of like

shined communication all around it.

They were like, okay, let's just like, it's around here somewhere.

So we'll like try and just hit everywhere nearby.

And it responded.

And then they found it.

And now it works again.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I miss all of this.

Yeah.

That's two days.

This is all two days to me.

It took two days from like losing contact to getting away.

I feel like when you lose something on Mars in the past, when you told me that something was lost on Mars, that's it.

That's the like you don't, you can't even lose it for three seconds.

It's gone.

Yeah.

They did long-duration listening.

Like it goes to sleep, but it never lost.

I love this phrase, long-duration listening.

That's like what, that's like what Catherine does

when I get home from a standoff.

I'm like, I tell you about my, it tells you about my whole weird week.

Yeah, I hear you.

Everyone, I have an update to the Mars News.

John is gone now, but

mere hours after we recorded that episode, it was released by NASA that Ingenuity, after 72 flights and over two years on the surface of Mars, has flown its last flight.

It sustained damage to the rotor during its 72nd flight.

And so it no longer can fly.

And it did amazing.

It did more than we ever could have imagined.

Almost three years of time on the red planet.

It flew for the last time on January 18th.

So I wanted to send a little update into Tuna

to cut it in, because otherwise that would be

weird, because many of you will have seen that news, but

they did get contact back with the helicopter, but it has now flown its final flight.

The first ever powered aircraft on another planet

and

far exceeding mission goals for ingenuity, the helicopter.

Thanks to all the people, and congratulations to the people at NASA and GPL for an amazing addition to our abilities

when it comes to exploring other planets.

And high five to everybody, and pour one out for our little helicopter.

Hank, thank you for podding with me.

If you want to send us your questions, please do so at hankandjohn at gmail.com.

This podcast is edited by Joseph Tunamedish.

It's produced by Rosiana Hals-Rojas.

Our communications coordinator is Brooke Shotwell.

Our editorial assistant is Daboki Trokervarti.

The music you're hearing now and at the beginning of the podcast is by the Great Gunnarola.

And as they say in our hometown, don't forget to be awesome.