532: Greatest Heroes and Legends of the Bible: Adam and Eve

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Speaker 8 And then this mist appeared. Then it ends with, and then this mist appeared.

Speaker 10 All over my tits.

Speaker 14 She's like, it's in my hair.

Speaker 1 Doesn't that seem like the most sensible response to this idiot?

Speaker 15 Give me a rag, give me a rag, give me a rag, give me a rag.

Speaker 16 No, wet it.

Speaker 17 God damn it.

Speaker 18 Oh, not like that.

Speaker 19 But

Speaker 20 God-awful

Speaker 4 movie

Speaker 4 movies.

Speaker 21 Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema or The Voices Will Come Again.

Speaker 21 I'm your host, Noah Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath Enright. Heath, welcome back.

Speaker 22 They're coming again either way.

Speaker 23 Thank you, Noah. Yeah, that's very excited to be here.

Speaker 24 We're talking about Genesis.

Speaker 25 Let's talk.

Speaker 21 Yeah, and sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Speaker 29 In a world where you're joined by fellow podcasters who know as well the Bible as bad as you do.

Speaker 21 That was a tortured construction of a sentence, but you made it.

Speaker 33 You made it.

Speaker 23 How dare you.

Speaker 21 And I'm also excited to welcome in.

Speaker 34 Give him a second.

Speaker 17 He's going to say, he's going to say, yeah, that's the problem.

Speaker 35 Start interrupting.

Speaker 21 You switched to a yode of whatever.

Speaker 36 That bit was working so well. Let him know.

Speaker 21 And I'm also excited to welcome in two brand new guest masochists.

Speaker 21 Marcus and Deanna are the hosts of The Wrath of Pod, a podcast concept so exceptional, I'm just going to let them tell you what it is. But first, Deanna, Marcus, welcome to God Awful Movies.

Speaker 38 Thanks.

Speaker 8 Thanks so much.

Speaker 21 So tell us about your show.

Speaker 8 Yeah, so our show, Wrath of Pod, basically imagines a world in which the Bible as a book never happened. It was never released as a book.

Speaker 8 Instead, it's being released now as a sort of like a streaming service, like on HBO Max or Netflix. It's basically just as it is, but it's streaming.
And we're reacting to that episode by episode.

Speaker 8 We're kind of the snarky after show.

Speaker 1 So we talk about all of the

Speaker 1 insane plot points and the bizarre choices that the characters make. We bring in some behind-the-scenes gossip.
We always talk about the really weird names and celebrity cameos.

Speaker 1 And so join us to go through every episode of the Holy Bible Show.

Speaker 21 Fuck yeah. And I haven't had a chance to listen to it myself.
I hear from, I have it on good authority that it's quite bingeable.

Speaker 23 It is. So, okay.

Speaker 21 Before we get going today, also I want to remind everybody that we were right in the middle of our annual Vulgarity for Charity fundraiser.

Speaker 21 We are raising money for Recovering from Religion, a fantastic charity that does great work helping people traumatized by their faith.

Speaker 21 And if that's not enough reason for you to donate, and it should be, we also might tell your brother-in-law to go fuck himself.

Speaker 21 Find out more by clicking the Vulgarity for Charity tab at recoveringfromreligion.org. And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

Speaker 39 We watched greatest heroes and legends of the Bible: The Garden of Eden.

Speaker 41 It's the story of

Speaker 42 not the Garden of Eden.

Speaker 23 Not even though, for sure but not.

Speaker 44 They just made up a bunch of shit here.

Speaker 34 It's a cartoon that's supposed to be about that.

Speaker 46 A lot of different stories.

Speaker 49 This story is like a hundred years away from being burned at the stake for telling

Speaker 37 you.

Speaker 21 I mean, there are parts of the fucking world where you'd get burned at the stake for it now.

Speaker 21 And Eli, other than able to get you burned at the stake in some parts of the world, how bad was this movie?

Speaker 56 Well, if you love the traumatizing biblical cartoons of your youth, but you wish its plot was faked through like an unprepared student doing a book report on the back cover of what he was supposed to be reading,

Speaker 38 you

Speaker 13 will love this movie.

Speaker 55 And I do.

Speaker 29 I love this movie.

Speaker 58 When I started to watch the movie, I was like, oh, cartoon.

Speaker 48 Like, I'm not sure there's going to be enough.

Speaker 49 I got zero seconds into this thing before I was like, oh, there is enough.

Speaker 17 There's going to be a movie.

Speaker 21 Before the cartoon, I have 400 notes. Yes.

Speaker 21 Okay, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Speaker 34 Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst serpent doing bits.

Speaker 25 Like a lot of them.

Speaker 63 I'm going to say best worst Robin Williams attempt.

Speaker 64 Yes.

Speaker 37 Whoever was playing the serpent in this movie, they saw Aladdin and they did not understand any of your references from Robin Williams doing voices as the genie.

Speaker 45 And the guy from this movie was like, lots of voices for no reason.

Speaker 23 Got it.

Speaker 61 That's what I will do for this whole movie.

Speaker 8 He clearly, like, the whole point here was he was like, I will do the movie, but I will be doing all my voices,

Speaker 55 including the problematic ones.

Speaker 21 Oh, yes, mostly the problematic ones.

Speaker 1 Especially the problematic ones. Yeah.

Speaker 21 And Marcus, did you have a best, worst, worst? I did, yeah.

Speaker 8 For me, it's best, worst way of getting children excited about your cartoon at the beginning by starting with an old man in a suit talking down to you.

Speaker 17 Fantastic.

Speaker 13 That's how you get the kids. kids.

Speaker 21 In the most ostentatious room imaginable. Yeah, it's great.

Speaker 21 So, Deanna, do you have a best worst?

Speaker 1 Yeah, mine also about the serpent. I'm going with best worst villain monologue.

Speaker 1 The serpent talks to Eve and he goes, oh, so Adam told you not. Like, who told you not to eat of the fruit? And Eve's like, well, Adam did.
And the serpent goes, oh, did he now?

Speaker 1 And Eve's like, yeah, he did. And the serpent goes, oh, Adam told you not to eat of the fruit, did he? And he's like, yes, he did.
This goes on for like

Speaker 19 five minutes.

Speaker 41 I don't understand our ten hammock crate.

Speaker 49 If anyone wants to know what it's like when I try and fail to gaslight Heath in our working relationship, it's that conversationship.

Speaker 31 Me being like, is it though?

Speaker 30 Yes, I wrote it down.

Speaker 39 Oh. Yep.
Yes.

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 41 It's both here and there.

Speaker 1 However, Attempted Villain Monologue is now my new band name.

Speaker 7 Ooh, fantastic.

Speaker 51 All right, so

Speaker 21 I guess I'll be the first to do fuck stuff. Best worst Christian jerk material.

Speaker 5 Okay, so this

Speaker 21 cartoon was clearly made with the knowledge that for some repressed young Christians, this was going to be the closest to porn they were ever going to get, right?

Speaker 21 And so there are just several moments where this movie winks at you and it's like, no, no, go ahead and get your dick out.

Speaker 4 Pause it.

Speaker 27 It's fine.

Speaker 71 Pause it here. Jerk it up.
Do it.

Speaker 57 Enjoy yourself.

Speaker 56 And I'm going to go with, I know we've talked about it already, but I do need to touch on it again.

Speaker 60 Best, worst, not in the Bible.

Speaker 63 Look, I get it.

Speaker 72 You're telling a story from the Bible, and you got to tell it for kids.

Speaker 52 So you soften certain elements, you change certain elements.

Speaker 47 Maybe you tell the story in a slightly roundabout way.

Speaker 49 I'm not talking about whether or not, like, Cain killed Abel with a rock or a stick.

Speaker 52 I am talking about elephant footprints are the cause of turtles levels of the world.

Speaker 21 Yeah, some wacky, wacky shit that happens here. Yeah, some Aesops level shit happens in this goddamn cartoon.

Speaker 21 All right, well, I'll tell you what, we've got a Bible to punch up on the other side of this break, so we're going to keep it brief.

Speaker 21 And when we come back, we'll dive into all the biblical accuracy that isn't greatest heroes and legends of the Bible, the Garden of Eden.

Speaker 72 Okay, what about your shoes, Marcus? Your shoes look nice.

Speaker 76 No, man.

Speaker 1 You can't have our shoes.

Speaker 21 Hey, guys. You ready to record the show?

Speaker 33 Not really.

Speaker 1 Eli's trying to take our stuff.

Speaker 21 Damn it, Eli. did somebody tell you about the economy again?

Speaker 63 Okay, first of all, that lady is why I am never going back to Chuck E.

Speaker 59 Cheese, but no, I want some cool and original gifts for the holidays this year, and what better selection than the actual clothes of our guest masochists?

Speaker 75 I mean, think about it.

Speaker 21 Eli, if you want great gifts for the holidays without buying the same old stuff from big box stores, you should try Uncommon Goods.

Speaker 1 What's Uncommon Goods?

Speaker 21 Uncommon Goods takes the stress out of gifting with thousands of unique, high-quality finds that you won't see anywhere else.

Speaker 23 But do they have gifts for the whole family?

Speaker 21 Uncommon Goods has something for everyone.

Speaker 21 From moms and dads to kids and teens, from book lovers, history buffs, and die-hard football fans to foodies, mixologists, and avid gardeners, you'll find thousands of new gift ideas that you won't find anywhere else.

Speaker 8 That actually sounds great.

Speaker 21 It is. And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a non-profit partner of your choice.
They've donated more than $3.1 million to date.

Speaker 8 That's incredible.

Speaker 21 When you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're you're supporting artists and small, independent businesses.

Speaker 21 Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches, so shop now before they sell out for the holiday season. Don't wait.
Cross those names off your list before the rush.

Speaker 21 To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommon goods.com slash awful. That's uncommon goods.com slash awful for 15% off.

Speaker 78 Uncommon goods.

Speaker 25 We're all out of the ordinary.

Speaker 33 All right, Noah.

Speaker 30 Thanks.

Speaker 69 Guess you guys can keep your shoes after all.

Speaker 8 Wait, you learned about the economy at Chuck E. Cheese?

Speaker 21 He thought that the tokens were real real gold.

Speaker 49 I was misled by the rat.

Speaker 1 No, I don't think you were.

Speaker 28 You weren't there.

Speaker 21 All right, everyone. Welcome to the first ever Writer's Room meeting for greatest heroes and legends of the Bible, the Garden of Eden.

Speaker 25 Woo!

Speaker 4 Woo-hoo! Garden of Eden.

Speaker 21 So for this episode in our series, we're going to be tackling one of the most essential and famous stories of the Bible, the Garden of Eden.

Speaker 21 Now, before we jump in, I want to thank Steve for bringing in those brownies. I think we're all going to write better thanks to all that fudgy deliciousness that we had.

Speaker 40 You guys ate the brownies in the breaker room?

Speaker 30 No, we sure did, man.

Speaker 79 They were great.

Speaker 27 Those were pot brownies.

Speaker 39 I was bringing them to my cousin.

Speaker 8 Wait, the brownies had drugs in them?

Speaker 80 Who just eats brownies they see lying around?

Speaker 33 Yes, they did.

Speaker 17 No, no, no.

Speaker 30 It's worse than that, man.

Speaker 21 How can it be worse than that?

Speaker 8 Well, I thought they were normal brownies, so I dropped acid on them.

Speaker 1 LSD?

Speaker 8 Yeah, just two drops per brownie.

Speaker 82 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 39 Yeah, that's going to be a lot.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 21 Well, I guess we can still write the movie, though, right? It'll be fine.

Speaker 1 I'm not feeling this too much.

Speaker 49 The snake pulls his scale off and it turns into blood.

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 21 And we're back for the breakdown of this cartoon, but we're not going to start off with cartoon.

Speaker 21 We're going to start off with Egyptian artifacts and a globe and just a bunch of stuff that says erudition, right? Like you want in your cartoons.

Speaker 33 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 8 And it looked like they filmed this in a rug store.

Speaker 27 Because if you look,

Speaker 25 I counted four rugs on the floor and a fifth on the wall.

Speaker 3 Yes?

Speaker 41 And also one rug in the form of Charlton Heston, the human being.

Speaker 70 Yes.

Speaker 1 His hair is incredible. It like moves independently of his head.
I I don't know how they managed to.

Speaker 21 Like, he has to catch up with it.

Speaker 18 Right, right, exactly.

Speaker 49 He's clipping through his own hair.

Speaker 21 Yeah. It's like a layer in a video game that's just not mesh.

Speaker 41 He's very much in his natural environment that I would expect.

Speaker 41 When you say, like, oh, Charlton Heston's going to be there, I'd be like, okay, we're in a museum layer with too many rugs, probably some problematic ones.

Speaker 18 And we are.

Speaker 46 We really are.

Speaker 32 We are. Yeah.

Speaker 54 I wrote in my notes, Charlton Heston, possibly the OG disappointingly religious actor, everybody.

Speaker 21 Also, I'm sorry, I have to point this fucking thing out in the background while Charlton heston is talking to us and he's doing the like oh i didn't see you there thing and there is a copper engraving with a very prominent schlong and it's just crazy that he's not acknowledging there's a dick over my shoulder at any point is there a dick almost touching my mouth in the framing you know one just gently prodding at my cheek i hope so can we talk about charlton heston's oh i didn't see you there that he keeps doing for the entire like eight minutes that he's talking he keeps talking to like a different invisible person person every half sentence or so.

Speaker 45 And they had to like put cameras everywhere, I guess, to like catch it each time.

Speaker 85 Eventually they had like a half circle of him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he keeps like switching angles. It looks like he's fidgeting.
It's like he has to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 76 It's like he's the only guy who can't hold it through this introduction.

Speaker 1 He has to keep like shifting in his chair.

Speaker 21 Or what maybe that's what it is, is he just had to keep peeing between every sentence. He's like, gotta pee again.
We'll take another take.

Speaker 7 I'll be looking in a different direction.

Speaker 39 So, yeah.

Speaker 21 And then, okay, so here's how rich this is with material. We haven't even gotten to what the fuck he's saying yet, right?

Speaker 21 So, he's like, now, if you've ever thought a sunrise was pretty, you probably can't help but be moved by the story of Genesis. And I'm like, I think we can help it, Chuck.

Speaker 17 What?

Speaker 49 Is it that the breeze comes over my hair?

Speaker 30 And I think to myself, man, this is just like when God made the wind over the water without light or the planets yet.

Speaker 41 And then that lady betrayed us all.

Speaker 18 Yeah. Every time.

Speaker 21 So he goes, he's like, people have always tried to solve the mystery of creation.

Speaker 21 Here's one of the dumbest takes.

Speaker 43 He says, lots of scientists think the world is created by a big bang, but what made the explosion?

Speaker 54 And I wrote, I mean, it wasn't two naked people in a garden, Chuck.

Speaker 1 No, it was a giant floating eyeball.

Speaker 4 Weren't you paying attention to that? That's right, obviously.

Speaker 21 Obviously. The eye of Sauron, but the whitewashed version, yeah.

Speaker 7 There will be a Cyclops god.

Speaker 41 I didn't remember that from the Bible for sure.

Speaker 4 They got past Cyclops God.

Speaker 86 Yeah,

Speaker 21 so apparently they cast that eyeball from the back of the dollar bill to play the part of God in this movie for whatever reason.

Speaker 1 I have the same note, the dollar bill called it's biting off its style.

Speaker 11 It's not happy about that. Interesting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I think the Illuminati connection is probably pretty apt.

Speaker 7 Oh, right.

Speaker 68 Christianity. And it's a Jewish connection.

Speaker 19 There you go.

Speaker 21 And then he's like, Charlton Eston, he's like, you know, and everything was great in Eden until the serpent came along. And I'm like, spoilers.

Speaker 57 Yeah, seriously.

Speaker 55 You're going to tell us the whole story.

Speaker 57 You're ruining it.

Speaker 59 He also says something here that I'm very curious about.

Speaker 28 He goes, We're not sure why the serpent wanted Eve to eat the apple.

Speaker 23 And I wrote, Really?

Speaker 56 That's what you're not sure about, Charlton Neston?

Speaker 15 That's the part of the story that doesn't quite add up for you.

Speaker 8 Yeah, I also thought he's coming dangerously close to self-awareness there, Charlton. That bit of uncertainty.

Speaker 5 Yes, yes.

Speaker 21 We're not actually, Actually, it doesn't make any fucking sense at all if you think about it.

Speaker 1 And the writers of this atrocity did not think to make up a reason. They made so much other random shit that didn't actually happen in the Bible for the sake of this children's movie.

Speaker 1 But that one, this big plot point, like

Speaker 1 they just did not have the creativity to come up with something to cover.

Speaker 32 Including Cyclops God.

Speaker 88 That was interesting at least.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 39 By the way, I looked up Charlton Heston.

Speaker 62 He had, in real life, Q-level clearance for about six years because he

Speaker 87 apparently worked for the DOD, the Department of War now.

Speaker 58 Maybe it was defense back then.

Speaker 41 And he acted out instructional videos about nuclear technology. So he was like

Speaker 34 the narrator voice was like, oh, hello there.

Speaker 85 You spread the radium on the thing with the uranium.

Speaker 17 And then again, stick it into the whatever.

Speaker 23 Yeah, he did that for six years.

Speaker 21 Oh, God, please tell me those are declassified at this point.

Speaker 1 Oh, please, somebody put those on YouTube. Somebody out there, please put those on YouTube.
I'm begging you.

Speaker 8 Please tell me he started with in this room doing this two and a half monologue.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 11 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 13 I'd love to be in the room for that.

Speaker 49 You'll notice the carpet behind me is on fire.

Speaker 28 That's thanks to Uranium 432.

Speaker 33 Right.

Speaker 21 So, okay, so then just as you're trying to get your head around this whole weird, bizarre thing that's happening, Charlton Husden says, we're going to go on the journey together, but don't worry, my good friend Simon will be with you.

Speaker 21 And we're like, the fuck? And it shows us cartoon Simon with cartoon Gaimel the camel.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 49 He's been waiting in the void for us and the universe.

Speaker 31 The void.

Speaker 33 We learned that right away.

Speaker 34 Like this guy was just like, hell, thank God somebody showed up fucking hanging out in the void with this camel forever.

Speaker 30 And I have been beyond madness for an eternity.

Speaker 86 I am so glad you guys are here.

Speaker 85 That's going to be the narrator.

Speaker 21 Yeah. So, yeah, so, but Simon says he's like, oh, hello there.
I also didn't see you there. We are at the beginning of time itself.
And I'm like, well, then how are you there? Makes no fucking sense.

Speaker 1 Because it's meta, because there's a narrator, and then the narrator introduces another narrator.

Speaker 7 It's just narrators all the way down.

Speaker 47 Simon Casterhurst, exactly.

Speaker 7 Sweeping up, kids.

Speaker 25 Big bangs and turtles all the way down.

Speaker 17 We're going to learn about that. Yeah, right.
Yes.

Speaker 61 Yep.

Speaker 21 So, okay, so, but then we see, we actually get the, you know, the first of the two incompatible creation stories that the book of Genesis opens with and we actually see the this these poor animators try to draw God's face moving upon the waters yes exactly and I I want to point out that like when we talk about oh this movie makes stuff up it's not the impossible task of God's face moving upon the waters before planets and oceans and land exists it's gonna get way wackier but this first attempt is so pathetic he goes God created the sky and I'm like really Simon what were we watching you in before And he's like, shut up.

Speaker 45 Question for the room here.

Speaker 85 Did everyone find God's vibes to be way more sexual than you expected about creating like plants and air?

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 33 Was he not interesting?

Speaker 17 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 21 God was flirting with those fucking sunflowers.

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah. Oh my God.
The scene with the sunflowers is so trippy. It's like Disney's Fantasia, and then they like photocopied it a hundred times, and I don't even know what happened next time.

Speaker 89 And then they kill the sunflowers.

Speaker 88 Okay, that was crazy.

Speaker 43 He blasts it with a laser, and all of their heads tear off.

Speaker 93 Literally, and you watch a sunflower be like, you chopped my fucking head.

Speaker 18 Oh, it's cool. Well, and it is, it is.

Speaker 21 It's like

Speaker 21 the sunflowers are clearly not into it, right? It's not like, oh, I've been freed from my stock.

Speaker 75 It's like, hey, what the fuck did you just do?

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 47 And then they fly up into the air, and I paused it to confirm.

Speaker 53 Then those sunflowers form a swastika

Speaker 42 an unmistakable swastika new cross Eli

Speaker 47 of severed sunflower heads and I think that's supposed to be how the

Speaker 14 sun was created

Speaker 21 turn into the sun so that's the level of shit that they make up in this movie right like so then god's like they're like on the third day god created the sun and we watch him do that by decapitating sunflowers with smiley faces and forming those into the sun and just as a coincidence that type of flower ended up being named Sunflower.

Speaker 17 Yes.

Speaker 32 And that came off.

Speaker 8 He actually said, you're a lovely little thing. So it's like, you're a lovely little thing.
Let me decapitate you now.

Speaker 92 Right.

Speaker 5 Right. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like partly sexual vibes and partly like Buffalo Bill, like serial killer. Sure was.

Speaker 23 Yeah, equal parts.

Speaker 21 So, and then he's like, you know, and on the fifth day, God made the sea creatures. And I'm like, well, did he do it in an insane fucking way? And they're like, sure did.

Speaker 44 Blew them all out of an orca's blowhole.

Speaker 9 He did.

Speaker 90 The whale appears and shoots all other fish out of its blowhole.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 50 Right.

Speaker 41 And then those fish are swimming around and then sharks apparently get made after that. Sharks chase the little fish and the little fish are running away.

Speaker 34 And they're like, no, it's cool.

Speaker 41 We're tigers now because they run onto a beach and they're immediately tigers.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 59 When they turned into tigers and ran onto the beach, I wrote in my notes, at least they don't believe in something silly like evolution, though, am I right?

Speaker 33 Yeah, honey.

Speaker 1 This is what happens when you cancel evolution in public schools and also when you have watched the little mermaid on acid.

Speaker 4 Yeah, clearly.

Speaker 1 I kept like just waiting for Ariel to show up.

Speaker 1 They have these like snappy clams under the water that are clearly doing a rhythm, and they're like, We're just waiting, we're waiting for our cute come on. Like, when's the music?

Speaker 18 There you go.

Speaker 94 This is where the elephant footprints turn into the turtles as well.

Speaker 37 What

Speaker 21 weird choices this curve.

Speaker 21 Circle

Speaker 11 of life.

Speaker 1 Wrong Disney curtain. I'm sorry.
Sorry. It's just off the bottom.

Speaker 8 And I forgot to show when God was putting the dinosaur skeletons in the ground just to fuck with all of the future humans.

Speaker 33 That's what I was waiting for.

Speaker 96 Right?

Speaker 53 Oh, I wrote, and then God aged the carbon just as a fun prank.

Speaker 21 But then the narrator cuts in and says, and I quote, on the sixth day, God had another idea.

Speaker 18 All right, day six.

Speaker 58 I got a sweet. Nobody's here.

Speaker 34 All right.

Speaker 58 Just brainstorming.

Speaker 85 Talking birds so they can talk to me about my sweet ideas.

Speaker 42 There you go.

Speaker 33 Cool.

Speaker 1 Can we talk about these crows for a second? Because there's this trio of crows. I think they're the crows from Dumbo because they just mashed up all the Disney movies.

Speaker 1 They're the only black characters. And the very first thing that we see happen is that a very white god chases them away from their real estate.

Speaker 78 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 21 He gentrifies that dust patch, doesn't he?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're like pecking around in the dust, and God says, stand back.

Speaker 1 And like, I need this pack of dust.

Speaker 21 His actual quote is, to a fucking bunch of crows, God says,

Speaker 21 gentlemen, please step back a few paces.

Speaker 88 Why?

Speaker 1 Why does God need them to stand back? Can he not aim his golden shower properly?

Speaker 41 God was standing his ground.

Speaker 37 Oh, no.

Speaker 49 It's a crazy, there are so many crazy implications about things that this God needs to happen in order to create the world.

Speaker 47 And then again, about Genesis, the creation story that is foundational to the Bible, this cartoon just fucking wings God saying, golden flames of life, I command you, which I cannot emphasize enough is not at all in the Bible.

Speaker 41 But yeah, the omnipotent God being like, also, I need you to scooch is kind of fucking.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't have to ask them to move. You're fucking God.

Speaker 21 You could like make them disappear or turn them into a pot of geraniums and a surprise looking whale like you could do fucking anything but no it's like excuse me or you know what else you could do is use different fucking dust you needed that particular fucking dust because he picks up the dust and he turns it into a fucking dust tornado he carries the dust tornado a mile and a half down the road and he assembles adam there is that in the bible i mean he's made a dust yes a dust tornado yes the tasmanian devil is definitely in the bible that was in the bible

Speaker 8 god loves a show and he could have easily just clicked his fingers, had man appear, but he's like, you know what? I feel like I need some Tasmanian devil energy in this area, and here we go.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you kind of expect Adam to come out like snarling like the Tasmanian devil. You're like, Adam, I've created you.

Speaker 17 Ow.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 45 But we also see, we see a bunch of the other animals that are already there, and it's like, They're clearly in like African safari land.

Speaker 61 And he's like, all right, I'll make a white guy now.

Speaker 63 And we see white Adam pop out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, his head specifically. He starts in the head, and then he has like a tornado covering up his junk.

Speaker 21 Well, so, okay, so there's going to be a lot of Austin powering around his junk at the beginning of this. Less and less as we go, though, right?

Speaker 21 They come closer and closer to showing us his Ken Patch as we go.

Speaker 21 Yeah. But

Speaker 21 the dust swirling draws a crowd of animals together, right? So they all watch him, and they're all like staring right at his dick in the cartoon, right?

Speaker 21 No idea why the animators chose to do that, but then God's like Adam and Adam's like, I don't even know that's my fucking name yet, man.

Speaker 42 Yeah, he goes, is that my name?

Speaker 28 And he's like, I mean, if you didn't know it was your name, why did you turn and answer to it?

Speaker 30 Relax.

Speaker 49 You don't have to do a fucking robot that just became aware bit.

Speaker 8 And it was at this point that I actually realized, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I actually was thinking about giving the show some props because I noticed Adam doesn't have a belly button at this point.

Speaker 33 And I thought, oh, they thought this through.

Speaker 68 No umbilical cord.

Speaker 33 Why would he have a belly button?

Speaker 8 But then about a third of the way through, it suddenly appears. The animators decide, oh, actually, we meant to put that in and start putting that in.

Speaker 21 Yeah, there's just, oh, it was just laziness, wasn't it?

Speaker 65 Yeah, they just got lucky. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's canonical Bible. So Adam has a belly button.

Speaker 21 So, and then, but then God is like,

Speaker 21 super braggy. He's like, yeah, maybe you've noticed the trees.
That was me. I did trees.
That was

Speaker 21 pretty proud of that.

Speaker 33 No mountains, though.

Speaker 1 Happy trees. Wow.

Speaker 79 Happy little trees.

Speaker 17 Yeah, there he goes.

Speaker 21 But then God disappears.

Speaker 73 He Batmans Adam for some reason.

Speaker 29 Yeah. Adam's like, another, oh, okay.

Speaker 50 He's gone.

Speaker 21 Yeah. So finally, I have someone to talk to.

Speaker 52 Wait, we're got like four sentences explaining all of the universe, but that's cool.

Speaker 66 And then he took a day off.

Speaker 21 Right? Simon cuts in to explain that God took the day off immediately after creating Adam, like Victor fucking Frankenstein.

Speaker 1 And before that, part of this conversation from Adam and God is God says, I've created you in my image.

Speaker 1 And then Adam says the only intelligent thing that he says in this entire movie is, but I don't look like you.

Speaker 21 You're an eye from the back of the dollar.

Speaker 64 You mean a sun cycle?

Speaker 1 You're the eye of Sauron and I look like a Ken doll. Like, what's going on? And God's response to this is, looks can be deceiving.

Speaker 64 Also, shut up.

Speaker 45 I'm taking taking a day off after this.

Speaker 21 How can looks be deceiving about what something looks like, though, right?

Speaker 96 Like, that's not how that works.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 21 So, yeah, so, but he takes a day off. So, we watch Adam Austin powering his way through

Speaker 21 the wilderness, presumably looking for a help meet.

Speaker 1 Also, can I just say, how much better would this movie have been with the Austin Powers soundtrack while he's doing this?

Speaker 20 You get like,

Speaker 97 yeah.

Speaker 1 Just like replay the whole thing and put that on in the middle. There you go.

Speaker 1 It will fix everything, I promise.

Speaker 23 Absolutely.

Speaker 54 We have this weird montage. Again, there's no reason for this.

Speaker 77 This weird montage where Adam's trying to figure out what animal skills he has.

Speaker 63 Right?

Speaker 49 Like, he sees a bird flying and he can't fly.

Speaker 69 He sees a bear catch fish and he can't catch fish.

Speaker 30 And the animals all gather around to give him everyone's special in their own way, pep talk.

Speaker 43 It's fucking bizarre.

Speaker 98 Yeah, it's totally weird.

Speaker 21 I wondered when he was trying to fly.

Speaker 23 I was like, helicopter your dick.

Speaker 17 So he has to.

Speaker 1 That totally works.

Speaker 8 This is the time we see see the frog eat the fly every other animal has had a little moment that we've seen where they speak to the camera or whatever and say their little story um i didn't get the flies before he was digested savagely by the frog

Speaker 27 great point

Speaker 1 and i just again I hesitate to give any praise to this show, and I think this was accidental, but there's this visual pun where Adam is walking naked past a bunch of bears.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, ah, I get, because he's bears, right? Because he's naked and the bear.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 21 If he was later behind a cock or something like that, I might

Speaker 17 think that was you.

Speaker 21 Do you know what?

Speaker 1 They should have, they should have done it, but no, they got it.

Speaker 21 And then so, so he turns to God and he's like, God, I haven't figured out what I'm useful at, you know, especially since in this world, all the other animals can talk and shit.

Speaker 21 And God says, actually, your job is to take care of everything in the garden.

Speaker 78 And he's like, I'm one day old, man.

Speaker 64 Fuck.

Speaker 63 Well, actually, it's weirder than that.

Speaker 54 He goes, okay, and then immediately goes to sleep.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 55 At which point I wrote in my notes, Heath, are you Adam from the Bible?

Speaker 7 Tell us.

Speaker 1 Also, he is 100% getting a blowjob from a rabbit at this point. Yep.

Speaker 1 Because the Austin powers of this moment is that he's lying down and sleeping on the grass while all of the other animals are standing around watching, and there is a rabbit positioned directly in front of his dick.

Speaker 63 Yeah, see, that's why you got to get to the animal circle around Adam early. Otherwise, you got to be dick covered.

Speaker 1 And there's there's one hanging creature. This is an actual informational question about this movie.

Speaker 1 There's one creature that is hanging from its tail from a branch as they're all like announcing that they do different things. What the fuck is that supposed to be? Is that a monkey? Is it like a

Speaker 99 possum?

Speaker 21 I think it was supposed to be a lemur, but I, yeah, right.

Speaker 21 It was weird because everything else is like, you know, zebra, giraffe, elephant, moose, or whatever.

Speaker 21 Like, you know, the stuff that you would give to a kid on the, like, you know, the, what, you know, what, what sound does this make toy or whatever. And then you have this weird ass fucking thing.

Speaker 21 Also, as we're moving on and on, so like this, we get to where Adam wakes up the next day, and this movie is getting closer and closer to showing us his dick.

Speaker 21 Like at this point, we know that he manscapes when he wakes up, right? Yeah. This is also where like the movie fully, like the acid starts to kick in, I think at this point, right?

Speaker 21 Because this is where he looks in the reflection, his reflection in the water, and he sees a bunch of hymns and he's like, will you play with me? And they all start talking to him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and singing. There's like a barb shop quartet of reflections.
He says, What is your name?

Speaker 38 And they go, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's like, He is so stupid. He does not know what a reflection is.

Speaker 8 And this is immediately before he says, There's no one to talk to.

Speaker 64 You do. You just chatted with eight reflections.

Speaker 8 He's not the brightest.

Speaker 21 And also, like, a moose and a frog and a bear. Like, all the animals could talk.
It's so weird for him to be talking about moping about how there's nobody to talk to at this in this weird way.

Speaker 41 Maybe he was expecting to see a sun cyclops and reflections.

Speaker 17 Yeah, right.

Speaker 67 He's just like, okay.

Speaker 1 Well, this is weird. He's such a teenager, though.
He's like, I'm so bored. Everything sucks.
It's no fun taking care of the garden.

Speaker 1 Like, dude, thing one, you've done literally nothing to take care of the garden. Thing two, there are talking animals around.

Speaker 1 If it was just like talking animals and acid trippy talking reflections, I would never be bored again in my life. Right.

Speaker 21 Well, he even, he's going like, he's like, this is no fun. Everything's perfect.
And I'm like, well, it's that those two don't match.

Speaker 7 Right.

Speaker 21 But, but then a very basy moose tells him to go talk to God about it. Right.
So he goes, tells God that he's lonely, and God says, go to sleep, man.

Speaker 64 And I'm like, dude, what?

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 85 Did Adam not say, hey, God, I'm super lonely, and then immediately lay back and open his legs up.

Speaker 18 There's that rabbit from utterly crazy.

Speaker 32 Pretty sure that's what happened.

Speaker 23 It's funny if all of you are like, no, weirdo, but I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 30 I wish I'd read your notes over before we podcasted. I would have texted everybody.

Speaker 78 I need you to know and this really hard on air.

Speaker 21 But then, but so he wakes up from God putting him to sleep there, and he sees Eve standing there with her hair conveniently draped over her boobies.

Speaker 1 In a cloud of bong smoke as well. Like the whole scene gets really smoky.
Like you're inside a hookah bar and then Eve like appears from behind the hill.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 21 And she, honestly, I know it's just that they're bad animators, but when he introduces himself, she looks as uninterested as the girl from the uninterested girl meme.

Speaker 23 She really does.

Speaker 72 He might as well be shouting an inch from her face. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 80 Exactly.

Speaker 84 And then he goes, oh, you're in the Garden of Eden.

Speaker 21 It's great. There's so much to do.
And we're like, you were just talking about how there's nothing to fucking do, you fucking liar.

Speaker 47 No, but you know when like you ought you find the only hot girl in your hometown, and all of a sudden, you're really trying to sell them on speedies and skate his thing.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I guess it.

Speaker 4 I get it.

Speaker 18 All right.

Speaker 41 Eli, I would like to hold you in the light, right?

Speaker 47 Biefleton, Marcus, Teanna, please leave.

Speaker 37 Okay, we're all here for you.

Speaker 89 Thank you.

Speaker 21 Well, now you're making it awkward that I'm about to do the throw, right? Because we're leaving for him.

Speaker 37 All right.

Speaker 21 Well, I think that these two could use a little bit of a loan time, by which I mean Adam and Eve, not Heath and Eli. Eli.

Speaker 91 So we're going to take a quick break.

Speaker 75 Well, those two, yeah, those two, too.

Speaker 82 But we'll be back in a minute with even more of greatest heroes and legends of the Bible, Adam and Eve.

Speaker 13 Time of my life.

Speaker 53 I wasn't sure what you were singing, so I went with Time of My Life.

Speaker 41 I don't sing very well.

Speaker 62 It's hard to hear it. It's wicked.
Stupid.

Speaker 20 From the meme.

Speaker 40 It's not hammer and dongs.

Speaker 1 Why would it be hammer and dongs?

Speaker 21 That's what I keep telling him.

Speaker 28 Hey, you guys ready to keep doing the show?

Speaker 8 Oh, hey, Eli. You look, let's say, layered.

Speaker 23 Yeah, when you said you wanted to grab a bite after the show, I wasn't sure what you meant or, like, what kind of dress it would be, like, how formal or what the weather would be like.

Speaker 49 So I just brought all my clothes and wore them.

Speaker 41 Like, the Friends episode.

Speaker 51 Friends doesn't own wearing all the clothes heath.

Speaker 21 Look, Eli, if you want a great fit for fall that works for every occasion, why don't you just try Quince?

Speaker 50 What's

Speaker 21 quince? This season's lineup is simple but smart and easy with Quince. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like an everyday luxury and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable.

Speaker 1 50 bucks? How do they manage that?

Speaker 21 By partnering directly with Ethical Factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middleman to deliver premium quality at half the cost of other high-end brands so you can give luxury quality pieces without the luxury price tag.

Speaker 8 Okay, but have you actually tried it?

Speaker 21 I sure have. Quince sent us some stuff to try when they became a sponsor.
I love how their sweaters kept me cozy and stylish at the same time. That's why I, No Illusions, personally endorse Quince.

Speaker 89 All right, Noah, I'm sold.

Speaker 21 Where do I sign up? Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince. Go to quince.com/slash awful for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

Speaker 21 Now available in Canada, too. That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash awful.
Free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash awful.

Speaker 30 All right, guys. Thanks.
I guess I'll go get out of these clothes.

Speaker 64 Yeah, you might want to shower, too.

Speaker 33 That'd be great.

Speaker 27 Am I sweaty?

Speaker 23 Yeah, like really sweaty.

Speaker 75 Thank you, Marcus.

Speaker 52 A yes would have been fine.

Speaker 25 Could you be any more sweaty?

Speaker 18 How dare you?

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, if it's swelling, you should get it checked out.

Speaker 33 Okay, but not in a bad way.

Speaker 1 How could it not be in a bad way?

Speaker 81 Adam, Adam, Eve, it is I, God.

Speaker 44 Where have you been, Lord?

Speaker 1 Yes, the sun has set and risen since we saw you last.

Speaker 81 Indeed, for it was the seventh day of creation, and I rested.

Speaker 8 You rested, like, slept?

Speaker 81 Yes.

Speaker 1 So you need to sleep?

Speaker 81 Well, no, I don't need to sleep, but I just created the whole universe, and I...

Speaker 44 Well, yeah, I just needed a break.

Speaker 8 Okay, sorry, the implications of you needing a break are staggering.

Speaker 1 Yeah, do you have like a finite amount of energy?

Speaker 17 Oh my god, what are you guys?

Speaker 44 Amazon? I just took a little break, okay?

Speaker 8 So if it wasn't to sleep and you don't have a finite amount of energy, what were you doing? I

Speaker 44 okay, have I told you guys about Stardew Valley?

Speaker 33 No, okay, so it's like

Speaker 44 you know what? Never mind. Never mind.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 21 And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to open up on Eve drinking in the establishing shot we've already seen.

Speaker 21 Okay, I haven't mentioned this yet, but they will reuse so goddamn much animation in this fucking movie. The actual animation is 15 minutes long.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anybody who has ever worked for Hanna-Barbera is just weeping into their tea at the quality of this animation.

Speaker 54 And Eve has a very weird sporadic knowledge.

Speaker 49 Like, she looks up and she knows exactly what the stars are, but then Adam's stomach rumbles and she's like, what the fuck was that?

Speaker 92 Because

Speaker 1 this whole movie is just a bizarre mix of them being incredibly smart and them being incredibly, well, not incredibly smart.

Speaker 1 Them being like having one thing to say that's reasonably intelligent and everything else they are so fucking dumb about.

Speaker 21 Also, there's sort of a mix of wacky and fall of man that seems like a bit of a juxtaposition.

Speaker 73 Yeah, it is an odd contrast.

Speaker 54 Okay, the next thing that happens is so weird that I googled, was this based on a non-English series and then like poorly translated.

Speaker 17 So here's what happens.

Speaker 73 They see some strawberries in a strawberry tree, and Adam says, oh, I can't reach.

Speaker 60 Would you mind?

Speaker 77 And then he shakes the tree.

Speaker 12 What?

Speaker 54 What did she do to facilitate?

Speaker 51 Would you mind doing what?

Speaker 96 Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 47 I wanted it to like pan down and he's banging her against the side of the tree.

Speaker 1 Well, they do cut away from the two of them. He says, do you mind? And then it cuts to a shot of the tree.
We don't actually see Adam and Eve at that point. Whatever.

Speaker 21 So maybe he's fucking her against the tree and that's what's not going to happen.

Speaker 23 Quite possible.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And strawberries go on trees and this is what can happen when humans and dinosaurs coexist.

Speaker 21 Yeah, he's saying before the fall of man, the strawberries just grew on trees. So, okay, now it's the next morning.
Eve is affixing her hair to her nipples as she does every morning, I guess.

Speaker 21 And Adam wakes up having dreamed about God taking his rib. And then he jerks off a stick.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 He sure does.

Speaker 41 That's not a crazy thing, Noah said.

Speaker 64 That's what happens in the movie.

Speaker 55 So he's supposed to be illustrating the process by which God turned Adam's rib into a stick, but it's

Speaker 60 just him running his hand up and down it, right? There's no

Speaker 21 fucking way the animator wasn't going for Adam Jerks Off a Stick. Nothing will ever convince me that this animator wasn't going for jerking.

Speaker 41 And the voice actor also was like, God took my bone and then jerked it up and down like this with a hand and then blew it.

Speaker 93 Blew it.

Speaker 8 Yes, and then this mist appeared. Then it ends with, and then this mist appeared.

Speaker 11 Yes, right.

Speaker 9 The mist appeared

Speaker 10 all over my tits.

Speaker 14 She's like, it's in my hair.

Speaker 1 Doesn't that seem like the most sensible response to this idiot?

Speaker 15 Give me a rag. Give me a rag.
Give me a rag. Give me a rag.

Speaker 16 No, wet it.

Speaker 64 God damn it.

Speaker 18 Oh, not like that.

Speaker 10 But

Speaker 19 run away, Eve. Run away.

Speaker 21 Eve runs away and she says, and I quote, catch me or don't if you can, or you're a rib or a ribless man.

Speaker 85 Okay, I wrote that exactly down, too.

Speaker 41 I have those same words. I'm not crazy.

Speaker 32 That's exactly what I said.

Speaker 65 What did that mean?

Speaker 53 I would like not for us not to say it a third time because I feel like it's going to conjure us something that this cartoon was created to do.

Speaker 21 Yeah, the first line, catch me or don't if you can't, it has to be one or the other, right? There's no superposition where you both can and can't catch me, right?

Speaker 41 Hold on, is quantum mechanics in the Bible?

Speaker 43 Well, yeah,

Speaker 21 as much as most of this shit is, yeah.

Speaker 23 I needed Adam to be like, hey, hey, hey, timeout.

Speaker 45 Fucking what?

Speaker 4 What did you just say?

Speaker 17 That was insane, right?

Speaker 64 We're not skating past.

Speaker 21 That

Speaker 21 sounded good in my head.

Speaker 41 Here's a washcloth. Really sorry about that.

Speaker 21 And then they commit to a lifelong relationship

Speaker 21 days after meeting one another, I guess.

Speaker 1 Two days after first meeting, and yet somehow one day after God created her. Did you notice this timing?

Speaker 1 Eve shows up, and then they go to sleep, and he shows her around the garden, and then they go to sleep again.

Speaker 1 And then Adam says, Oh, I had the weirdest dream last night, and then he jerks off the rod.

Speaker 97 Like, why?

Speaker 96 Like, they animated it out of order, yeah.

Speaker 8 And after we see all the jerking of the rod, he actually says, Do you see any scars or holes? And then shows her his ass.

Speaker 7 Like, yeah, I see a hole.

Speaker 33 It's brown, it's right there.

Speaker 4 In the movie, in this cartoon for children.

Speaker 7 Yep.

Speaker 34 Also, hey, small thing, but they never address the itchiness of this whole scenario.

Speaker 89 Right.

Speaker 17 They're just

Speaker 85 walking inside of bushes and they're sleeping on grass.

Speaker 37 Like, you gotta.

Speaker 1 This is why Eden is perfect. There's no itching.

Speaker 101 Not enough swamp ass.

Speaker 7 No, no chocolate itching Eden.

Speaker 26 That was what I thought was missing from this cartoon, Heath. I'm so glad you brought it up.

Speaker 64 You got a rash.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 79 The Garden of Eden.

Speaker 36 That's fucking cold reading.

Speaker 21 That was pretty hot reading.

Speaker 26 You know I always have a rash.

Speaker 43 Really?

Speaker 92 In front of our guests?

Speaker 42 This is their first time.

Speaker 41 I'm getting an uncomfortable, itchy skin thing from somebody.

Speaker 64 Maybe it's.

Speaker 23 Stop.

Speaker 43 Stop. Not in front of Marcus.

Speaker 49 Marcus, you're our backup, Marsh.

Speaker 59 I need you to like me more.

Speaker 98 Oh, no.

Speaker 4 I'm getting IBS.

Speaker 7 Okay, so.

Speaker 21 So the next day, they're up for a swim, talking about how awesome their lives are. And Eve is like, wow, look at that gorgeous tree of knowledge of good and evil over there.

Speaker 21 I bet that'll come in important later on in the cartoon.

Speaker 1 It's Chekhov's tree of good and evil.

Speaker 4 Right, right.

Speaker 21 Well, and then Eve is like, there's this great moment where Eve's like, look at all those animals. And then we pan over, and it's exactly four animals, only one of which is moving.

Speaker 21 Never have I more felt like an animator was telling a writer to eat a dick.

Speaker 1 There are like six animals in this whole movie.

Speaker 21 It's it's like a bad noah's ark ripoff yeah i almost went with best worst attempt or like pretending there's way more animals here than there are yeah it's like a sad circus so and then like some hippos come along and so they ride the hippos eve does not ride that hippo side saddle right so she's having a great time oh no she spreads for that hippo fuck yeah and then they're like well i'd love to thank you hippos but i don't know your names and god's like oh i've been meaning to get to that uh i i i just showed up.

Speaker 21 I'm back.

Speaker 84 Name all the animals.

Speaker 61 These stupid people.

Speaker 41 Adam's like Scombert and Chine

Speaker 4 and Hippopotamus.

Speaker 17 He's making up noises.

Speaker 21 The very first thing he goes for is hippopotamus.

Speaker 85 And he just happened to make a random noise that would later mean river horse in a future language.

Speaker 17 Future language.

Speaker 30 Yeah, no, it's a hell of a call forward.

Speaker 21 He has a lot of things. Well, they actually built the language around hippopotamus.

Speaker 64 And sunflower. Sure.

Speaker 28 I do also want to point this out: that the way God shows up to tell them to name the animals feels like a panicky correction, right?

Speaker 54 Because they're like, what are the animals called?

Speaker 59 And he's like, hey, guys.

Speaker 28 You don't get that yet because it's a couple thousand years.

Speaker 4 It's fine.

Speaker 43 You're supposed to do it. You're supposed to do it.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 3 I didn't forget. No, I'm good.

Speaker 26 I'm good. I'm good.
Yep. He was not pooping.

Speaker 25 You want me to hold your hair back?

Speaker 19 Nope. All right.

Speaker 43 He's the backup marsh.

Speaker 1 Did you want to use this washcloth?

Speaker 42 Because I still have it from the floor.

Speaker 47 Oh, so it smells like jungle juice.

Speaker 21 So there's a great, he says, you know, you get to name all the animals. And Eve goes, but there are so many.
And I wrote, no, there's only four.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there should be like 15 hours just of naming bugs.

Speaker 19 Right, right.

Speaker 19 Exactly.

Speaker 1 This movie should never have ended if they'd lined up all the animals that they have to name.

Speaker 18 But they're like, fish, giraffe,

Speaker 61 elephant.

Speaker 76 Okay, we're done.

Speaker 41 Yeah, but it's trying to separate exactly two bugs for the arc. I'd never thought about this, but like, you know, you got like a bunch and you're like, just those two, just two.

Speaker 41 God, a bunch of them went in.

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 8 Yeah, it's all creative with hippopotamus now, but not too long, they're going to be like, yeah, you're fly.

Speaker 64 You're anti-rice.

Speaker 7 You're suit cow.

Speaker 8 I'm done with this.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, like actual question, if this was your job, job, like you're on the hippos and you're like, okay, God has just given me the job of naming the hippos. Like what would you name them?

Speaker 1 They're like gray, swimmy, blobby thing.

Speaker 42 That's just

Speaker 89 I think I would have gone with hippopotamus. I think I would have come up with.

Speaker 41 I might have said like flump. It would have been like onomatopoetic, you know? It would have been like a noise.
I would have panicked probably.

Speaker 52 I would have done overly cute names because I'm a pug guy, so a bunch of scientists would be forced for the rest of history to be like, he, Mr.

Speaker 48 Man,

Speaker 11 Mr.

Speaker 94 Man had had face which of course is different than little gentleman

Speaker 1 subspecies yes scientists will be arguing about this at conferences for generations

Speaker 41 quincelberry i'm not done yet the third

Speaker 21 so okay so adam he calls all the animals together to get their names and they line up in pairs And we cut to Simon and Gimmel the Camel.

Speaker 21 They're like up on a cliff watching all this happen.

Speaker 3 They're on the Pride Rock spot.

Speaker 19 Come on.

Speaker 1 They're on with all of the cheap Disney references. We've got them up there and all of the animals down below.

Speaker 21 And I want to point out that at this point, there's no conveniently placed bush. We're just so far away that we can't see Adam and Eve's junk.

Speaker 66 But like...

Speaker 21 Simon can, and he's just a kid, right?

Speaker 17 He's got a lot of people.

Speaker 47 He's been waiting in the void for an eternity to see that junk.

Speaker 25 I'll have you.

Speaker 4 Yeah, right, right, yeah.

Speaker 21 And then there's a song.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 64 I started thinking about Peter Singer being like, well, technically, he was in the void for infinity. So is he actually fucking?

Speaker 17 I don't know.

Speaker 7 That's totally cool.

Speaker 49 Simon, if you want to get fucked by that.

Speaker 23 Can you fucking get it?

Speaker 77 I keep bringing up how cool I think it is.

Speaker 92 Boy, oh boy, do I keep bringing up how cool

Speaker 21 I think it is. This is not what the song was about at all.

Speaker 7 I wish it's what the song was about.

Speaker 30 Okay, look, here's the thing.

Speaker 1 If you play it backwards, though, it definitely is.

Speaker 11 It's about Peter Singer saying saying a fuck about.

Speaker 54 Here's the thing.

Speaker 63 We have made the joke before on this podcast that the lyrics are insipid, that the song is bad.

Speaker 52 And I would not have made any of those jokes if I knew that I would someday have to describe to you, podcast listener, how bad this song is.

Speaker 60 I mean, it is trying to hide a bomb behind your backs level, poorly read.

Speaker 17 And here on the cardinal,

Speaker 4 it's beautiful.

Speaker 21 The kid misses a note so bad that the cartoons react to it at one point.

Speaker 3 Yeah, there's a lot of camel react in here.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 21 There's also the lyrics are so insipid.

Speaker 21 Listen to how close these lyrics get to live, laugh, love. Okay, these are actual lyrics.

Speaker 75 To live, to give, to know, to love.

Speaker 4 They almost hit it.

Speaker 1 The no is definitely biblically no.

Speaker 86 I just want to make sure that we're all in the same page.

Speaker 63 That makes sense.

Speaker 28 That lyric means that they went to live, to give, to know, to

Speaker 20 fucking

Speaker 4 know,

Speaker 20 faux, love, hippo.

Speaker 33 All right.

Speaker 14 I'll tell you what, we'll say love for right now.

Speaker 90 I bet you there was some jerk in the room who was like, what about love?

Speaker 37 And they were like, fuck Love.

Speaker 21 And then, so, and then they end with like a couple of weird attempts to show a long line of animals without actually drawing a long line of of animals again.

Speaker 21 And then, so, okay, so then later we get we got Adam walking around and a bunch of bees turn into the eye of Sauron God.

Speaker 1 Yes, so what we are learning, you know, biblically speaking, is that God is constituted of bees. Yes, yes.

Speaker 33 Am I right about that? Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 46 God appears out of a swarm of bees.

Speaker 52 You need to ask questions when things appear out of bees.

Speaker 17 Hey, man, are you bees?

Speaker 21 Like, that's my first question. Are you, have you been bees this whole time?

Speaker 17 I'm sure you're bees. And you be honest, are you bees?

Speaker 91 You have to tell me.

Speaker 86 No.

Speaker 8 I'll pick the animal that stings.

Speaker 68 That's sort of my.

Speaker 17 Show me your stinger. Show me your stinger.

Speaker 88 Are you some of the bees with a bomb behind your back right now, singing a song?

Speaker 32 So,

Speaker 21 but yeah, but God's like, hey, hey, hey, I meant to tell you this earlier.

Speaker 21 Don't eat from that tree from earlier.

Speaker 21 That is the forbidden tree. And if you eat from it, you surely will die.

Speaker 84 Right.

Speaker 21 And no amount of familiarity with this story can make that not weird as fuck.

Speaker 54 Right.

Speaker 26 Now, to be clear, they chose a somewhat more bizarre way to entertain this plot.

Speaker 60 Because if you remember, in the Bible, God says you can eat all the trees except for one, which is still weird as opposed to, hey, what's going on?

Speaker 53 Sorry, I just had to form out of some bees.

Speaker 49 They're all dead.

Speaker 7 They didn't have salt.

Speaker 17 Colony collapse.

Speaker 49 Don't eat from that tree.

Speaker 42 But you can eat from any of the other trees.

Speaker 70 Are you bees?

Speaker 56 It's not because there's a bunch of bee porn up there in the branches.

Speaker 17 It is not an erotic cut of the tree.

Speaker 1 Bee porn is off the hook. There's only one queen.

Speaker 91 Yes.

Speaker 1 And there's all the rest of the drones. Oh, yeah, I went there.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 Bee cocky.

Speaker 10 So, okay.

Speaker 98 Royal jelly.

Speaker 55 The way Noah struggled inwardly between making that joke and the cleverness of that job,

Speaker 9 It forced its way out of him like a demon in an exit.

Speaker 26 We cocky, I thought of it, and now I sack.

Speaker 30 God damn it. Got to do six die drives to make up for pissing.

Speaker 21 So, okay, so then we have this weird, like normally I'd leave it out, but it's too weird to leave out scene where Adam drinks water from a leaf, so his face turns blue.

Speaker 18 Gray.

Speaker 1 So there's this miscommunication here. He's like licking water that's dripping off a leaf and his face turns gray.
It's not just me, right? Like definitely.

Speaker 1 And then Eve is sitting next to him and gives this little like high school giggle, like, oh, your face is blue.

Speaker 61 Like, where?

Speaker 18 What?

Speaker 1 No, no, it's not. They like could not afford the color.

Speaker 88 Like, that's it.

Speaker 66 That's gotta be it.

Speaker 21 Cause she says specifically, your face is bright blue. And I'm like, oh, I guess that ink was more expensive than the gray ink that they would.

Speaker 21 But then he washes his face off and that never comes back and we're just we have to, for the rest of our lives, wonder what the fuck that was all about.

Speaker 21 But this is where he passes on the news about not eating from the forbidden tree. Meanwhile, the serpent watches on.

Speaker 21 Now this is a snake, but it's got, it still has its legs and it has a fucking beak and weird dragon flaps for some reason.

Speaker 43 Oh, okay.

Speaker 30 So I actually know why the serpent looks so fucking dumb here.

Speaker 53 All right.

Speaker 30 So there is an ahistorical, a biblical belief that serpent means dragon among very small sects of Christianity. And I promise you, someone involved with this movie is one of those wackos.

Speaker 47 They lost a fight to 2003 Dan McClellan.

Speaker 57 And they were like, you know what?

Speaker 32 In my movie, the serpent, quote unquote, is going to be a fucking dragon.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dragon caterpillar specifically because it has like eight pairs of legs.

Speaker 30 Shapeshifter dragon caterpillar.

Speaker 1 Right, with a a spiky mace at the end of its tail. Like, yes,

Speaker 1 shits and giggles.

Speaker 21 Just like put that on there. Why the fuck not? Yeah.
So, yeah, but then

Speaker 1 did we skip the flamingos playing moon ball scene? Because we cannot skip the flamingos.

Speaker 79 We always do.

Speaker 4 We're robots.

Speaker 4 We're about to happen.

Speaker 7 Yeah,

Speaker 54 we wouldn't need to.

Speaker 4 I have lots of questions.

Speaker 21 So, yeah, so the serpent laughs as they're going, like, yeah, we'll never eat from the tree.

Speaker 17 The serpent goes, boah, ha, ha, ha, right.

Speaker 21 So, and then we get Adam and Eve coming across some flamingos, and the the fucking, at this point, the animators have just given up on the obstructed nudity thing.

Speaker 21 They show us Adam's Ken patch at this point, but he sees a couple of flamingos and he goes, they're playing moon ball because they're kicking at the water where the moon is.

Speaker 47 Right.

Speaker 47 But then, and I was like, oh, kind of cute.

Speaker 59 But then they kick

Speaker 57 the actual moon out of the water.

Speaker 53 Yep, into the sky.

Speaker 1 And into space. We zoom all the way out.
It orbits into space. Orbit around Earth.
How surprised was everybody at this point?

Speaker 4 It was actually round.

Speaker 37 I was surprised.

Speaker 71 Is that how the moon was created according to this narrative?

Speaker 33 I guess.

Speaker 21 Again, not in the fucking Bible.

Speaker 41 Okay, I didn't think in the Bible, but more importantly, how is that a game?

Speaker 53 Like, he says they're playing rules.

Speaker 35 Boombo, what are the fucking rules of this game?

Speaker 23 Thank you.

Speaker 62 How do you win this game?

Speaker 21 I think by kicking on

Speaker 21 orbit.

Speaker 8 Like, I feel like that flamingo won, right like i don't but i don't know how the point system works yeah the slowest game ever because the moon does move so you do have to kick it in different places but it just takes an enormous amount of time

Speaker 1 i guess if you're living there forever sure oh oh so it's a british sport isn't it yeah how long how long has game of cricket been going on we still have them running right now it's true yes

Speaker 41 what if the other one kicks a moon that like does better like orbits faster or something yeah right right and and what's better faster or bigger?

Speaker 21 Yeah. So, okay.
But then, so they play some moon ball, and then Simon the narrator cuts in to promise that something will eventually happen in this story. Like, that's it.

Speaker 21 His actual words are: something was about to happen.

Speaker 91 I promise.

Speaker 21 Trust us, kids.

Speaker 1 You know, I think that can be sexy, right? Like, you describe what you're about to do before you do it.

Speaker 17 Okay.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's what they're going for.

Speaker 53 There were a thousand years where me and Galil just screamed, and then

Speaker 48 then our voices died and the silence was louder than our screams.

Speaker 90 Anyways, back to what Adam and Eve are up to.

Speaker 21 We cut to the serpent in the serpent layer. Now, I don't know exactly at what point in this script the acid kicked in, but I know when it peaked.

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 21 Okay, the serpent, first of all, is just, as we said before, he's just doing a series of voices, right? Like alphabetically.

Speaker 77 Right, but Donald James Parker voices, right?

Speaker 28 Like, it's not like, oh, none of them are recognizable.

Speaker 47 It's always like,

Speaker 49 I literally can't do it because I'm going to accidentally do a touchstone. It's always like, understand

Speaker 18 my humble.

Speaker 19 And you're like, I don't.

Speaker 66 I don't get that.

Speaker 21 Yeah, right. Like, he's just trying on different potential tag lines or whatever.
Yeah.

Speaker 21 And as he's doing this, he's trying on different scale patterns on his belly, like shape-shifting scale patterns, like in the Bible.

Speaker 41 Eli, be honest, before you go to bed, and you not practice like new voices a little bit like this, just like this, just like pop in.

Speaker 25 I'm not going to be able to do it.

Speaker 30 I shall not tell a lie. This is absolutely what I do.

Speaker 30 And I do take off one of my scales and it turns a river into blood.

Speaker 51 Next

Speaker 4 up,

Speaker 56 I thought we agreed not to talk about this.

Speaker 101 It wasn't.

Speaker 55 What the fuck was happening?

Speaker 34 Eli and Don Ford sitting back to back.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 21 But yeah, so the dragon plucks a scale up his belly. It turns into a gem.
He drops it into the water. The water turns to blood.

Speaker 21 We all check to see, like, make sure that we can still read and that, you know, the

Speaker 67 dream state.

Speaker 21 We start pinching ourselves while all the drugs caught up with me at once. But then he's like, ah, I have an idea.
He looks in the water and he sees Eve's reflection and he goes,

Speaker 41 right? I called Eli and I was like, I'm not an asshole.

Speaker 58 And he's like, oh, are you in that scene?

Speaker 17 Oh, you're in the scene.

Speaker 67 I know where you are.

Speaker 21 So, also, the soundtrack kept teasing us as though he was about to sing a tempting Eve song and then he didn't.

Speaker 27 And I 100%.

Speaker 8 It was very evil, sneaky music.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 49 I bet there was a musical number that was a culturally insensitive accent that they cut from 2003.

Speaker 51 Like

Speaker 60 they had to be sat down to be like, I'm the Jabba Jabba man has to go.

Speaker 20 I know.

Speaker 67 I know.

Speaker 26 I'm going to miss it too.

Speaker 94 It was a good bit in the moment.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Given what they left in, I can't imagine.

Speaker 89 Yeah, right.

Speaker 21 So, okay, so now we cut to Adam and Eve asleep. We zoom in on Eve's dream.
Right now, this is one where I actually do know what's going on.

Speaker 21 So she dreams of white roses, and then she goes to pick one, but the thorn gets her, and she bleeds, and she bleeds on the rose, and the white rose turns red, right?

Speaker 21 And there's like a superstition amongst Christians that that's why roses are red.

Speaker 37 Right.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, I did not know that. I actually learned something from this recording.

Speaker 61 Right? Fucking shit.

Speaker 43 Show this cartoon no less.

Speaker 1 I thought it just meant that like she's getting her period.

Speaker 37 That's also what I thought too.

Speaker 1 And then she has this like bizarre nightmare about bleeding and roses. And then she wakes up frisky.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Which is always what I do after having a terrifying nightmare is I want to bone down like as you do.

Speaker 41 Yeah, you cut your hands in a nightmare and you're like, all right, let's get this going.

Speaker 28 Something's wet.

Speaker 4 No visceral.

Speaker 42 The visceral, no.

Speaker 77 Actually, no.

Speaker 91 Hey, no.

Speaker 21 All right, so Eve turns to Adam. She tries to ASMR him into a late-night swim.
I will say, almost anybody asking me in that voice to go for a moonlight swim is going to get a yes.

Speaker 7 I'm sorry.

Speaker 21 Sure.

Speaker 64 It was, I mean, this is like the original Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Speaker 85 She's just like, let's go swimming at two in the morning because we just woke up and it's crazy and it doesn't make any sense, but it's charming or whatever.

Speaker 23 But Adam, it's a hard pass.

Speaker 4 He's just like, no, I'm tired.

Speaker 25 I don't want to do that stuff.

Speaker 21 I'm just crashed to sleep in.

Speaker 68 You're just

Speaker 41 archetype doesn't exist yet. I don't think so.

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No,

Speaker 1 I already did it for the bees and like, I'm just tired. So like,

Speaker 7 period. Like, it's just.

Speaker 33 I was whittling that stick for a while.

Speaker 30 I'm not going to be ready again until they invent blue powerade, and I don't know when

Speaker 9 it's gray powerade.

Speaker 21 so okay so but then so she walks out to go on a swim by herself a garland of flowers just wraps itself around her head to reinforce the manic pixie dream girl thing and then she goes for a swim and then the serpent like tries to seduce her right yeah they like have this like dance number

Speaker 21 thing and her eyeballs go all wobbly anybody else notice this like in the animation like she is definitely on drugs here yeah yeah right so but but so so they start dancing around and then he starts trying to convince her that that fruit from that tree of knowledge of good and evil, it's not actually forbidden.

Speaker 96 Adam was just talking shit.

Speaker 72 Yeah, I wrote the snake is doing the very first version of a Twitter argument.

Speaker 49 Any moment he's going to tell us that he doesn't trust Wikipedia.

Speaker 21 But he's like, hey, maybe Adam's just keeping all the best fruit for himself.

Speaker 1 And he's like twining himself around her as he's saying this. Like, they have gone past subtlety.
And I just want to say, shipping Eve and the serpent, still less sketchy than Twilight.

Speaker 21 So, yeah, so, but he sets her down on the shore and she starts thinking, she's like, well, you know, God never told me not to eat the stuff. We learn here that she shaves too, by the way.

Speaker 21 Again, the animators are just like, fuck this. I've drawn enough bushes.

Speaker 21 But then, so she gets the fruit and she smells it and it smells pretty fucking good.

Speaker 1 Is this an apricot? Because she's holding the fruit. It's kind of like orange.

Speaker 42 Yes, it's orange.

Speaker 91 It's an orange. Yeah.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 21 Well, Simon assures us something's going to happen, so I think we can afford to take another break. But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell.

Speaker 21 Will Eve give in to temptation and eat from the forbidden tree? Will God make good on his threat to condemn mankind? Will God ultimately redeem humanity and usher in an age of salvation?

Speaker 21 I guess, well, I guess you already know the answers to all these questions is yes, because Charlton Heston ruined it in the fucking introduction.

Speaker 21 But stick around anyway for the conclusion of Greatest Heroes and Legends of the Bible: the Garden of Eden.

Speaker 41 Team Snake of...

Speaker 22 Fuck, it was too late.

Speaker 34 I was so far past, I was so mad, and I was like, I can't get it in.

Speaker 18 Fuck!

Speaker 86 It's going to be out there. There it is.
It's too far.

Speaker 36 Something's wet.

Speaker 63 Okay, what about an extendable fork?

Speaker 1 Like a gag gift.

Speaker 63 Oh, this would not be a gag gift for him.

Speaker 21 Hey, guys, what you doing?

Speaker 60 I'm trying to think of a good Christmas present for Heath, but he's already got everything he wants.

Speaker 21 That's true. He does.

Speaker 8 Well, yeah, people can be pretty hard to shop for this time of year.

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Speaker 28 What's

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Speaker 55 That's true.

Speaker 49 I do use my phone every day.

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Speaker 30 All right, Noah, thanks.

Speaker 72 So, you guys ready for some fondue?

Speaker 64 Oh, I got my extendable fork.

Speaker 8 See, I told you.

Speaker 35 It's my favorite thing in the world.

Speaker 75 Aren't you married?

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 81 To my folk.

Speaker 81 Lulu Lou, doing God's stuff.

Speaker 33 God stuff is my favorite stuff.

Speaker 81 Lulu Lou.

Speaker 33 Hey, God.

Speaker 44 What are you doing there?

Speaker 81 Oh, hey, Michael.

Speaker 44 I was just working on humans.

Speaker 33 Oh,

Speaker 18 wow.

Speaker 40 You were going to do them in your own image?

Speaker 81 Yeah. Yeah.
No, of course. Of course.

Speaker 37 Right, right.

Speaker 23 But, like,

Speaker 41 these guys are going to be your special creations.

Speaker 33 Oh,

Speaker 100 yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 44 No, I made the whole universe just for them.

Speaker 21 Yeah, it's just, there are, like, so many animals that are better suited to survival with, like, claws, teeth, fur, all that stuff.

Speaker 33 No, it'll be fine.

Speaker 81 I'll just make them super smart.

Speaker 33 Right. Yeah, no, smart is good.

Speaker 22 Smart is good. But you could make them smart and make it so they can't get cancer, like sharks.

Speaker 44 No, no, no, we're not doing the shark cancer thing.

Speaker 81 That's actually just a common misconception anyway.

Speaker 44 No, they're going to be my favorite creatures, so they're going to look like me.

Speaker 44 Okay, will you at least tuck in their junk?

Speaker 40 They're just like, they're just like dangling.

Speaker 33 Fine.

Speaker 44 But yeah, I'll tell you what, I will tuck in the junk of half of them.

Speaker 33 Half of them. Okay.

Speaker 81 Thank you, I guess.

Speaker 44 You don't like my dangling junk?

Speaker 62 No, man.

Speaker 45 It's super distracting.

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 81 Got it. Got it.

Speaker 44 But what if I cut off this bit here?

Speaker 81 You think that one? I think that one.

Speaker 21 And we're back for still more of this shit. We're going to rejoin the action with a moose poking Adam awake with his antler.

Speaker 33 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 85 This moose is like, Adam, wake up, wake up, up, it's Eve.

Speaker 41 Like, he's, you know, setting the alarm off for

Speaker 73 like an old yeller style.

Speaker 8 Yeah, this trouble down at the well.

Speaker 67 Exactly.

Speaker 34 This moose, this moose from the Serengeti was apparently like a paid spy for Adam.

Speaker 41 So he's going to run over and help Eve.

Speaker 21 Yeah, the moose is like, hey, man, the serpent's trying to fuck your girl. So

Speaker 21 Adam jumps on the moose, rides the moose to the lake. We get full ass crack at this point, right? This is the first time we go full ass on Adam.

Speaker 21 I think the last time, too. It's a shame.
It's a great ass.

Speaker 21 But then, like, we cut to Eve, like, still thinking about eating this fruit. There's thunder and there's lightning, which implies God's aware of what's going on here.

Speaker 8 Yeah, huge implication to this. So, is he watching all of this happen and setting the mood? Because it was a beautiful night for a moonlight swim a few minutes ago.

Speaker 17 Now, the rain.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 21 And then there's a very sexual moment where she like opens her mouth really wide.

Speaker 23 Yes.

Speaker 21 And then we see the serpent like sit back as though he's about to get his knob polished, you know?

Speaker 21 It's unmistakable. So again, it's unmistakable.
They meant for kids to jerk off to this.

Speaker 21 But she eats the fruit. Adam's like, he's trying to swim to the rescue.
He's yelling.

Speaker 75 He's like, Eve, don't eat the fruit.

Speaker 21 But she can't hear him over all this thunder and lightning that God put there.

Speaker 35 Yes.

Speaker 54 Also, this isn't what happens in the Bible.

Speaker 77 if I was this religion that would matter to me right

Speaker 21 so she eats the fucking fruit and Adam rives a second later and now she's all groovy very like she's acting like the acid just started kicking in wait wait there's not a moment in the Bible where it's like is she gonna eat it or not and Adam like doesn't get there in time that's not actually what happens yeah no slow motion tries to dive in front of the apple yeah yeah right can we talk about her hair I mean that apple gave us serious sex hair Yeah, right.

Speaker 21 Well, it's like it has Medusa-like sentience at this point, right? Yes. It's like, it picks her, it picks him up and pulls him into the fucking tree.

Speaker 41 She needs another washcloth for sure.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 37 Well, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this has gone beyond like something about Mary level hair here.

Speaker 21 Well, speaking of which, this is where she's trying to talk him into eating the fruit, and she says to him, and I quote, if you don't like it, you can always spit it out.

Speaker 98 Okay, cartoon.

Speaker 101 She's like, I remember the moment with the stick earlier.

Speaker 69 Come on.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 33 Give me your mist.

Speaker 1 It's got 100% college party where Adam's excuse to God later is going to be like, yeah, but I didn't inhale.

Speaker 86 Right.

Speaker 92 Spit it out.

Speaker 18 Oh, my God.

Speaker 32 So

Speaker 21 he eats the fruit and Mikey likes it.

Speaker 10 He's like, like, I want more.

Speaker 31 I am God. I am more than God.

Speaker 98 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow, that was some good shit. I want to know where they got that from.

Speaker 30 Yeah, for real.

Speaker 95 Oh, that's cocaine, in case you're wondering.

Speaker 65 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 49 I have said, I am God.

Speaker 30 I am more than God.

Speaker 75 Well, and then you follow up as they did with, oh, no, I'm naked.

Speaker 4 Like I said, cocaine.

Speaker 30 All the steps.

Speaker 1 And Eve says, like, I'm naked. Why didn't you say something? I'm like, um, because he's a dude and you're naked.

Speaker 58 Eli, we can't start the pajama party live stream until you stop doing that and put your clothes back on.

Speaker 59 Just admit that I'm more than God and I'll put my clothes back on.

Speaker 41 We had to do that.

Speaker 21 So they start covering themselves with leaves and just then God shows up. They jump.
They've like really quickly fashioned themselves leaf bikinis, but they jump.

Speaker 1 It's a bush for your bush.

Speaker 4 Yep.

Speaker 7 Exactly.

Speaker 21 God olly ollie oxen frees them, right? And they're like, well, fuck, he's God. So Adam comes out.

Speaker 59 Right.

Speaker 49 And again, I just can't emphasize enough what a crazy implication there is for God to go, where are you guys?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 10 Well, that is in the Bible, though.

Speaker 89 Right?

Speaker 1 And what did you just do?

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 they're finger pointing at each other. Adam 100% throws Eve under the bus.

Speaker 96 Immediately.

Speaker 21 Yes, immediately. Well, also, like, let's not just skate past how weird it is, right, that God is mad at Adam that he won't show him his dick anymore.

Speaker 5 Right? He's like, hey, how come I can't see your chunk anymore? I'm going to curse you guys for that.

Speaker 1 Because it's got bee stings all over it.

Speaker 87 It's all swell.

Speaker 21 That's not why it swells. I keep telling you, that's not why it swells.
So he's like, yeah, no, it's Eve's fault. And Eve's like, it's, no, it's the serpent's fault.

Speaker 21 And the serpent's like, it's your fault. You knew this was all going to happen, you asshole.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 God actually says something sensible to adam i think what we're learning is that every character gets one thing to say that is remotely sensible and god says don't blame her right don't blame eve can't you choose for yourself like oh yeah yeah yeah that's the only good advice god downright woke

Speaker 21 yeah so but then so but then the serpent is like i gotta go and he goes to run away but that's where god takes his legs now We all know the story, so we all knew that was coming, but think about how horrific that is.

Speaker 21 If you're just like a kid seeing this for the first time and you don't know that's, you're like, he took his legs?

Speaker 63 Like, because

Speaker 21 then he turns to Adam and Eve and he's like, oh, you know, I got to punish you too. And they're like, fuck, are you going to take their legs?

Speaker 59 Yeah. Imagine being a kid born without legs watching this cartoon.

Speaker 9 Just like, oh, okay.

Speaker 49 You bust into the kitchen and you're like, what did you guys do?

Speaker 1 Although, no, I have to say, if you're a kid watching this, you already know that the serpent loses its legs. Yeah.

Speaker 86 No child watching.

Speaker 1 No parent who has put this movie on for their kids is like, this is the first time that we have talked extensively about it.

Speaker 86 Especially with a legless child, right?

Speaker 41 You got like that.

Speaker 21 So yeah, maybe not with a legless child. But Dana, I have heard stories from kids who like went to a friend's house, you know, or something like that.

Speaker 21 And their friend that they were spending the night with, like, busts some shit out like this on them. So I feel like at least some kids saw this or learned this for the first time.

Speaker 1 Okay, fair point.

Speaker 8 And before all that, the snake is doing, he's, again, going through all of his voices. At one point, he actually says, let me Adam, let me Adam.

Speaker 8 Who is he doing this for?

Speaker 67 What does he think is going to happen here?

Speaker 1 I'm going to go attack the snap.

Speaker 37 Yeah, right.

Speaker 21 So the serpent's like, I'm going to get my revenge. And then he goes after Adam's balls, right? He's just slithering up his legs.

Speaker 23 You on the dick.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 21 But Adam shakes him off. And then God turns his vengeance on Eve.

Speaker 21 And he just says, Eve, you will know sorrow. We're not going to go into any more detail than that.

Speaker 89 You'll know sorrow.

Speaker 36 I know this is a weird place for us to draw a line as a piece of fiction, but yeah,

Speaker 55 we're not going to talk about periods or the pain of pregnancy.

Speaker 47 That's the line we've drawn.

Speaker 21 Yeah, exactly. And he's like, you leave me no choice.
And I'm like, I feel like you have choices, man.

Speaker 21 But he says that she will know sorrow and that Adam will have to toil for his bread.

Speaker 1 Right. That's the curse.
Which would you rather if you had a choice here? Pain and sorrow or sometimes you have to go to work.

Speaker 18 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 45 Adam kind of gets sentenced to late stage capitalism, which I thought was.

Speaker 66 Pretty much, yeah.

Speaker 13 Right.

Speaker 34 It's like, yeah, you're just going to barely get by, and then you probably end up voting for somebody who's worse.

Speaker 41 You're going to hate all these people.

Speaker 33 Don't worry.

Speaker 49 After Noah's son fucks a crow, we're going to have someone for you to blame it on.

Speaker 95 So

Speaker 79 it's going to go great.

Speaker 21 So yeah, but

Speaker 21 so he kicks him out of the garden.

Speaker 21 And they're like, really? There's an out of the garden? He's like, yeah, believe it or not, I made a much larger, much shittier place in case you did the thing that I knew you were going to do.

Speaker 1 And the angels are crying at this.

Speaker 1 There's a three-second scene where Eve starts crying and Adam starts crying and all the animals start crying and they cut to heaven.

Speaker 1 And there's this random scene with these copy-pasted white blonde child angels and tears in heaven.

Speaker 21 And that's why it's raining down below. That's why the rains began.

Speaker 64 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 21 Even though there was thunder and lightning earlier. So, but then we get to, they see the gate of Eden.
They're like, where the fuck did this come from? He's like, it's always been there.

Speaker 21 And then they go to leave and they're like, God, are you going to leave us? And he's like, no, no, I will love you unconditionally on one condition.

Speaker 49 By the way, these are some angels with fire swords who are guarding the gate now.

Speaker 1 Angel babies.

Speaker 63 Cherubim, yeah.

Speaker 37 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 21 Well, so, okay, so he's like, hey, by the way, this tree over here, this is the tree of eternal life. And they're like, ooh, can we eat of it? He's like, no.

Speaker 61 Come on.

Speaker 82 Fire sword. Fire sword.

Speaker 33 It's another tree of entrapment? You have two trees?

Speaker 43 No, that one's a metaphor.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a backup, right? One is none, and you want to make sure to always have your backup tree.

Speaker 8 Well, Eve actually says when she sees a tree, is it another tree with forbidden fruit? I mean, Eve, read the room.

Speaker 17 That's not what you want to be bringing up to this guy.

Speaker 68 Yeah, right.

Speaker 17 He's been through that.

Speaker 21 Well, I also love, because we see the two flying babies who are very angry, like two very angry flying babies, and then a sentient flying flaming sword that like actually backs him up.

Speaker 21 And he's like, you know, this tree is protected by the flaming sword and the two babies. And I'm like, I feel like the flaming sword is doing most of the work, though, right?

Speaker 93 Fuck away, the tree of eternal life.

Speaker 11 We'll fucking kill you.

Speaker 93 The flying babies aren't very intimidating, so I have to do most of the work.

Speaker 1 I feel like the flaming sword isn't doing a very good job either. It's going back and forth like a windshield wiper.
It's like a Mario level where you just can always,

Speaker 1 right? Like, if you just time your run, and like the sword swings in, like, I got it.

Speaker 61 Yep, you're in there.

Speaker 21 You got it.

Speaker 21 Kind of like doing a nu-uh-uh, kind of a thing. Yeah.

Speaker 21 So then, okay, so, but then, as this cartoon depicts the literal fall of man as they walk out of the garden to know suffering for the first time,

Speaker 21 the music kicks back in and Simon sings that same fucking song about how awesome Eden is and about how you should live, laugh, and love.

Speaker 49 Hey, guys, sorry, I was face down in the grass thinking about the 10,000 years that I tried to hold my breath.

Speaker 19 Happy birthday to me.

Speaker 1 And then there's this magic gate. So they're wearing leaves in the garden that they just like hastily covered themselves with.

Speaker 1 As soon as they walk through the gate, they're wearing like Flintstones costumes.

Speaker 3 Like, that was the best magic in the whole fucking show.

Speaker 21 Yeah, because the goddamn, the animators were like, we've done enough of this leaf shit. God damn it, they're wearing Flintstones costumes now.

Speaker 21 But and they wander like all sad and shit for a very long time, but eventually they come across the stream and Adam goes, God is merciful.

Speaker 5 And we all go, is he?

Speaker 8 Yeah, this is such an abusive relationship dynamic. He was so good not to go all out on us here.
Yes, he's merciful.

Speaker 23 Right.

Speaker 21 So, yeah, so, but then they decide that they're going to make themselves a house there.

Speaker 21 And Simon, you know, from the void comes back and he goes, like, you know, they went hungry a lot and their house burned down from time to time.

Speaker 4 Get out of the sketchboard, kid.

Speaker 65 Nobody fucking cares. You suck at me.

Speaker 1 And they made a yurt. They like somehow don't know what reflections are,

Speaker 1 but they know how to make a yurt.

Speaker 26 They know how to make a pretty good yurtur.

Speaker 1 Like found agriculture or something.

Speaker 7 Well, yeah, right.

Speaker 21 We have a little montage of them

Speaker 21 figuring out planting seeds and watering them and scaring away the crows and shit.

Speaker 64 Yeah, we figured out clothing, too.

Speaker 16 Adam made himself, I thought

Speaker 62 this was a choice.

Speaker 35 He made himself a single shoulder tunic, like one shoulder exposed, one

Speaker 18 shoulder over the top tunic. Yeah.
Yeah. Just going to show up.

Speaker 49 He figured out laundry because she's a woman. We see her slapping a rock with some wet cloth.

Speaker 69 I'm not sure what that was supposed to be, but I think it was laundry.

Speaker 10 It was laundry, yeah.

Speaker 32 Cleaning her hair.

Speaker 1 Definitely. Let this be a lesson to you, shirt.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 21 We literally watch grass grow. I mean, it's a different crop, right? But we watch fucking seedlings grow.
They sure are overjoyed at that.

Speaker 46 Did Eve make a river, like a second river?

Speaker 45 By pulling water with a cup out of a first river?

Speaker 21 So I think that what they were going for was that she just put a little bit of water in the little furrow or whatever where their seeds were.

Speaker 21 But they're so bad at animating that it looked like a second river was spawning.

Speaker 40 They accidentally animated too much water.

Speaker 4 Yes. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 And then they animated this victory dance that they do when they see that the farming is successful.

Speaker 1 I guess they are growing weed because they're just waving their arms around like they're like they feel too long, you know? Like when I like wave my arm, like, is that happening to you too?

Speaker 66 Yeah, right.

Speaker 21 How many arms do you see? Uh, but yeah, so, but, but it's not all fun, right? It's not all laundry slapping and river making at night. Growly cat eyes show up and scare the crap out of them.

Speaker 41 Okay, I enjoyed this moment where

Speaker 64 he's like, Do you still have faith?

Speaker 41 And Adam's like, Yes, do you? And she's like,

Speaker 42 Yeah, huh?

Speaker 13 Yes,

Speaker 95 that's why I asked, is because we both feel the same way equally

Speaker 21 But she's pregnant, and then Simon cuts in, the void kid cuts in, and he goes, and in time, Eve gave birth. And we cut to this incredibly even for 2003 sexist.

Speaker 21 Adam was just standing outside while she gave birth by herself in the tent.

Speaker 49 He's smoking a cigar.

Speaker 26 You have no idea how many plants I had to grow and things I had to invent to be doing this so that I'm not helping you while you give birth for the first time in human history.

Speaker 18 What an asshole.

Speaker 27 Right?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 68 What are you doing?

Speaker 8 Yeah, and Eve's probably wondering like, what the fuck is going on, right?

Speaker 8 No one's given her instruction. She's just like, the first time this has ever happened.

Speaker 30 Could you see if you can gather up some bees and figure out how long this front poop's going to last?

Speaker 23 This can't be how it was meant to go.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 21 So then

Speaker 21 he runs in and she's got the baby all swaddled and she's fine now. And she goes, Let's call him Kane quick before Mr.
What About Hippopotamus can chime in with a name suggestion, right?

Speaker 1 And this is the ugliest fucking baby.

Speaker 30 Very ugly baby. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Very ugly.

Speaker 21 Kane never stood a chance.

Speaker 56 It's the happy birthday on a piece of paper of babies.

Speaker 31 Like they very clearly were like, I'm drawing this big old baby head.

Speaker 30 Look out, oh, fuck, I need like, I have four inches for the rest of the body.

Speaker 7 It's fine, it's fine.

Speaker 23 We'll just do this.

Speaker 26 Yeah, right, right.

Speaker 30 It's mostly blanket.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No one involved in the production of this movie has ever seen a baby.

Speaker 67 No, no.

Speaker 21 But then two years later, she has Abel, and we see this, like, this scene of Abel being born.

Speaker 21 And there's a quick, like, we flashed a cane at two years old with a very, I'm going to kill that fucking baby look on his face.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 34 I needed somebody to address that and be like, hey, you saw the two-year-old morph into pure evil just now, right?

Speaker 7 Like, so there's very clearly pure evils sharpening something.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 47 She says, oh, there will be more mouths to feed.

Speaker 72 And I wrote in my notes, looks like you're going to need to pick up some extra shifts at the

Speaker 63 river.

Speaker 91 Yes.

Speaker 8 And then she says Abel has such big feet. I mean, you can just say he's a big dick.
Right, right.

Speaker 8 You need to hide behind that.

Speaker 1 It's okay. There's no one else around.

Speaker 21 So then years later, we get Adam, he's coming home to the hut where Eve is womaning him some food. Now, at this point, this is, it's Kane's seventh birthday, right?

Speaker 21 So dad goes outside to play Catch the Rock with Kane.

Speaker 30 He sucks at Catch the Rock.

Speaker 35 This is the original little league dad playing catch and he's like, Kane, you fucking suck. I own the ball.

Speaker 23 Get your cuts.

Speaker 42 He's so good.

Speaker 64 And I was like, oh my god. Okay, he's going to do a murder.

Speaker 41 And that's valid. I get it.

Speaker 26 Here's what actually happens.

Speaker 59 Hey, do you remember when we talked about the flamingos playing moon ball?

Speaker 57 No, because why the fuck would you remember that?

Speaker 54 Well, here's the callback to it.

Speaker 57 Because when Kane misses Catch the Rock, Adam goes, Now, what do I always say?

Speaker 55 And Kane says, If flamingos can kick the moon into the sky, you can catch a rock.

Speaker 21 He presents that as the moral of the flamingo story.

Speaker 17 It's a

Speaker 25 teacher for an angry little league dad.

Speaker 41 You gotta really tighten it up.

Speaker 21 There are times that he needs to be better. Yeah.

Speaker 83 And then in the middle of the day.

Speaker 1 This was like cut from Aesop's fables. This like did not make the cut, the one about the flamingos and the baby.

Speaker 1 He is so fucking insensitive. He gets mad at Kane for being thirsty.
At some point, Kane's like, I'm going to get a drink. And he's like, no, you stay here and I throw rocks at you and you catch them.

Speaker 49 Yeah, I wrote in my notes, Heath's childhood when that scene happens.

Speaker 37 Yeah, right.

Speaker 21 No, so at what point Adam actually says, and I quote, one day I hope you'll make me proud.

Speaker 89 Woof!

Speaker 31 Haven't been shit yet, but one day maybe you'll be.

Speaker 40 I did eventually do it in my case.

Speaker 17 Fuck. Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 91 You keep telling yourself.

Speaker 18 You have to keep the cops.

Speaker 31 Noah, you have to keep the cops after

Speaker 86 he said that.

Speaker 56 I know Morgan's off this week.

Speaker 37 You must keep.

Speaker 7 Believe me.

Speaker 78 Believe me.

Speaker 21 So, yeah, so, and then so Abel has run up to get water for his thirsty brother. And

Speaker 21 he comes back and he's got a cut on his hand. So his mom is like doting on him a little bit.
And Cain's like, I want to get doted on.

Speaker 21 So he bites his lip till it bleeds so that mom will dote on him too.

Speaker 21 So he runs in and Eve's like, that's not a real injury.

Speaker 5 That doesn't count.

Speaker 21 Go out and get real injured and then come back to me, right?

Speaker 1 These parents suck. And you know why they suck? Because their example of how to be a parent is God.

Speaker 1 God is a sucking parent.

Speaker 21 They're going to be out forever for eating a fruit when they were eight days old. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, real talk, Abel is just like a disgusting saccharin disaster I would want to get into.

Speaker 7 It's just too much.

Speaker 17 It's too nice. I hated it.

Speaker 56 Yeah. He's like, yeah, mom, no, help Cain.

Speaker 58 He looks like he's really hurting on his fake lip bite that he did.

Speaker 41 It really looks like it hurts.

Speaker 61 You should help him. I hated him so much.

Speaker 34 It was like every new boyfriend of your ex, and you have to meet him.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 41 And like, somehow, just by chance, like a metal falls out of their pocket, and it's a purple heart, and they have a Pulitzer and like they're really nice to you.

Speaker 96 Fuck.

Speaker 4 And then you shoved him off a cliff that one time.

Speaker 33 And now they're married.

Speaker 4 So,

Speaker 3 okay.

Speaker 21 So then, so Abel is like, hey, Akan, let's go look at the frogs by the stream. And so they catch one, but Cain hates frogs.
So he strangles it.

Speaker 59 Okay, but here's the thing.

Speaker 55 He doesn't strangle it to death. He knows safe choking practices.

Speaker 19 He just chokes it until it passes.

Speaker 34 Oh, you think this was just a blood choke, like sexual with the frog?

Speaker 47 And then the frog comes and he's like, that was cool.

Speaker 29 These are your turn.

Speaker 92 Why wouldn't he show him killing the frog?

Speaker 90 If it's not a sex thing, why wouldn't they show them killing killing the frog?

Speaker 26 Think about it.

Speaker 96 Well, honestly, when he was showing me the frog, I wrote my notes.

Speaker 21 Anna breaks into the scene and beats him to death with a rock.

Speaker 30 The frog wakes up, something's wet.

Speaker 61 Yes.

Speaker 66 Thank you.

Speaker 21 So then, but now they're all grown up and we see them giving God offerings. And again, this movie doesn't have the guts for him to strangle the frog.

Speaker 21 It sure as hell doesn't have the guts to tell us what happens to those sheep that Abel just offered to God, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're supposed to get filleted open and have their internal organs taken out and have the fatty part removed from the liver. Actual Bible quote.

Speaker 96 Yeah, and then set a fay.

Speaker 21 But the movie doesn't have the guts for that. Get it? Guts.

Speaker 21 So, but he's like, God's just like, nice sheep. Also, Cain is here.
Jesus, what is that? Fucking wheat? You brought me fucking wheat, you piece of shit.

Speaker 21 Stupid. You're stupid and you can't catch a fucking rock.

Speaker 1 And he says, bring me back another gift. Right.
God's like, your grass sucks.

Speaker 99 Try again, asshole.

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 23 Whoops.

Speaker 21 Like, you cannot like the gift, but like, you can't, you can't be like, try again.

Speaker 8 Yeah. Yeah.
This is grandfather. This is like angry grandfather.
Not the grandparents we all want and usually have. This is full-on, bring me another better gift, you

Speaker 1 bitch. Yeah.
Also, this part is in the Bible.

Speaker 21 Yeah, I know it is.

Speaker 1 The part about God being a complete asshole to Cain and saying he doesn't like his gift. Yep.

Speaker 18 That's in the Bible.

Speaker 40 But you're supposed to earn love with success.

Speaker 1 Hey, that frog felt really good, okay?

Speaker 17 He was really

Speaker 19 doing right by the frog.

Speaker 99 That's got to count for something. Yes.

Speaker 46 Did you see how hard that frog came?

Speaker 18 Exactly.

Speaker 80 Come on.

Speaker 15 We here at Puzzle and the Thunderstorm

Speaker 55 are here to tell you that frog never came harder.

Speaker 17 Nope.

Speaker 21 Sure aren't.

Speaker 21 So then Abel, Abel, they're walking away, and Abel's like, I brought extra bread for everybody.

Speaker 66 And Kids are like, bread for everybody.

Speaker 21 That's a juice-selling fucking prick. And he pushes him off a cliff.

Speaker 1 From like six feet away from the edge.

Speaker 21 Yes, right, right.

Speaker 1 This should not be physically possible.

Speaker 27 Abel's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm off balance.

Speaker 21 He goes, you're going to knock me off of the edge if you keep pushing me repeatedly and I don't get out of the fucking way.

Speaker 1 If I don't just put both of my feet feet down and stand up.

Speaker 43 Yeah, right.

Speaker 21 But also, like, that's... It's supposed to be a rock.
He's supposed to kill him with a rock, right? I guess this chicken shit movie doesn't have the guts for that either.

Speaker 41 I feel like he threw a rock and Abel did like a sweet catch and like,

Speaker 4 oh, right.

Speaker 32 He's like, all right, fuck you.

Speaker 4 Yep.

Speaker 21 But then he pushes him off the cliff and he looks down and he sees that he's dead and he's like, fuck. Oops.

Speaker 21 So they have a scene real quick where he hides the body because they need for him to have the blood on his hand so he can wash the blood off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, despite the fact that Abel was totally bloodless when he hit the ground after falling off a cliff.

Speaker 1 Looks like, you know, just the usual movie, like, looks like he's sleeping, and yet he has blood on his wrists when Cain drags him into the cave.

Speaker 23 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 7 Come on.

Speaker 21 So he washes that off, and then he's walking home, and God's like, hey,

Speaker 21 have you seen Abel? And a rain starts to fall and it turns to blood when it hits the ground. And he's like, am I my brother's keeper?

Speaker 98 And we're all like, oh, he said it

Speaker 93 was that

Speaker 69 drink if he didn't want something bad to happen to him he shouldn't have come to canaan illegally i don't know

Speaker 21 so god's like i'm gonna take my wrath out on you you will wander homeless in the desert forever and we cut to a snake or a lady in childbirth going oh he's gonna run through the fucking desert oh it must be really fucking hard in this goddamn desert

Speaker 54 and then he's like oh no people will kill me and he's like i will give you the mark of cane now to be clear the mark of Cain is part of the curse, right?

Speaker 55 It makes him immortal.

Speaker 36 So he wanders forever, hated by all, right?

Speaker 54 But in this cartoon, they choose to play it as like a weird bonus.

Speaker 29 He's like, gee, thanks, God.

Speaker 55 And then goes whistling out of the fucking.

Speaker 1 Yes, he's so excited about this. He's like, don't

Speaker 1 banish me. And God's like, I'll give you a cool tattoo.
He's like, really?

Speaker 23 Oh, okay.

Speaker 4 Yeah, right, right.

Speaker 21 But that is in the Bible, the idea that the mark saves him from people taking vengeance on him.

Speaker 46 I'm actually really good at music and arts, dads, huh?

Speaker 9 Just

Speaker 61 forever.

Speaker 37 Fuck. Pip.

Speaker 21 So, okay. So now we see Adam, and he's very old, and he's talking to God about how good he is at holding a fucking grudge.
He's like, wow, man,

Speaker 21 it's been a while since we ate that fruit, but you're still sticking with it.

Speaker 47 Still on the fruit thing.

Speaker 55 That's crazy.

Speaker 53 It's crazy, the fruit thing you knew about.

Speaker 21 But God God appears and he says, Adam, I am always eat with you, even when I'm torturing you for eternity. And he's like, aww.

Speaker 1 And I'm always watching, no matter what you're doing, you definitely are fucking again, and I'm definitely down for that.

Speaker 49 I saw you trying to imitate the mind-blowing orgasm that frog had.

Speaker 19 And sure, you.

Speaker 21 Nope.

Speaker 17 So you have to watch it.

Speaker 30 Thanks to puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC.

Speaker 21 I have the beeping ability.

Speaker 21 No,

Speaker 21 you're just making me do more beeps now.

Speaker 21 Morgan's gone this week.

Speaker 21 So, but then, so he comes back in, and Eve is kind of getting sick of his tireless faith in God. And she's like, well, you know, God did just let one of our kids kill another one of our kids.

Speaker 21 And he's like, God can't control the ways of man. And I'm like, oh, I thought he was omnipotent, but now he can't control the ways of man.

Speaker 68 So weird.

Speaker 1 And her point here is: if God loves us, Cain wouldn't have killed Abel. And I'm like, point to Eve.

Speaker 17 That is a great mislady. Yeah, right.

Speaker 25 Excellent point.

Speaker 71 She's just, she brings up the problem of evil perfectly.

Speaker 62 It's like, hey, it feels like, are we starting a religion with like a ton of plot holes and we're going to need like

Speaker 41 tenuous apologetics?

Speaker 34 We're going to need like Ross Douthett to try to fucking write books about it.

Speaker 18 It's going to suck.

Speaker 8 We're going to look so Goda just said, I'm always with you, always watching. Basically, effectively almost just said, yeah, I could help at any point, but most of the time, I'm good.

Speaker 21 I'm good. Right.
I chose not to.

Speaker 1 I was busy. Like, real housewives was on.
Come on.

Speaker 21 So, but then Simon the Void kid cuts in to wrap things up. He explains that years later, a geriatric Eve had another son, this one named of Seth, and he didn't suck like Cain did.

Speaker 1 Except that he had every single genetic defect that anybody knows about because his parents are super

Speaker 25 lots of tile and all with that 200-year-old couple, right?

Speaker 21 Uh, but then the kid sings at us again about how wonderful the Garden of Eden is.

Speaker 21 There's honestly, it's weird because in this song, there's like sort of an environmental message that would like never be in this cartoon if it was made today, right?

Speaker 21 Like, this cartoon is in a couple of ways too woke for today's Christians, yeah.

Speaker 73 And also, this the song feels kind of ominous now that they've been kicked out and their child is dead, right?

Speaker 47 Yeah, feels like you should be singing it in a minor key.

Speaker 1 But no, this movie doesn't do minor keys. And the lyrics of this song are, and I quote, will never leave the land of Eden.
I'm like, were you not watching this fucking movie that

Speaker 23 never leaves the land of Eden?

Speaker 42 That's the whole point.

Speaker 7 That's exactly what they did.

Speaker 21 But just in case you were wondering if you were worried that the camel was never going to get a treat, Gimel the Camel gets a treat right here at the very end.

Speaker 1 I totally wanted him to do a Scooby-Doo with this. I wanted him to suddenly stand up on his hind legs and go like solve the murder mystery with the

Speaker 74 kids.

Speaker 23 I saw God be born.

Speaker 20 Ryrus in the Royd.

Speaker 21 So, all right, but that's it.

Speaker 73 That's the catch-all for all of our shows, just so you know.

Speaker 26 The way that I've put it on the gram, Ryras in the Reid is our new sign-up on all puzzle productions.

Speaker 7 I hope you're okay.

Speaker 25 We'll see. We will workshop.

Speaker 21 All right, well, that is it. That gets us through the cartoon.
Deanna, Marcus, thank you so much. You guys were so much fun to have on.

Speaker 1 Thank you for having us. This was awesome.

Speaker 21 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 21 And just a quick reminder for our listeners, if they wanted to hear more from you or perhaps binge your show from start to finish in like three days the way Eli did, where should they go to find it?

Speaker 1 So we are Wrath of Pod. You can find us wherever you get your podcasts,

Speaker 87 all the usual places.

Speaker 1 And we are at Wrath of Pod on the socials.

Speaker 20 All right.

Speaker 5 Awesome.

Speaker 21 And of course, we'll have that linked on the show notes as well.

Speaker 21 And while that's going to do it for our review of greatest heroes and legends of the Bible, Adam and Eve, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to do this again next week, preferably with something that has a shorter and less clunky title.

Speaker 21 So Eli, tell us, what's on deck?

Speaker 59 A hippie and a cheerleader fall in love with God, then each other, during the Jesus movement that rocked the world.

Speaker 54 We'll be watching Jesus Freaks.

Speaker 21 And may I say, it's about damn time, us.

Speaker 21 So with that to look forward to, we're going to be episode 532 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Deanna and Marcus for helping us out today.

Speaker 21 Be sure to check the show notes for links to more of their stuff. And an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

Speaker 21 If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

Speaker 21 You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review by sharing us on all the various social media platforms that you have.

Speaker 21 And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheists Citation Native, DND Minus, and the Scaffold Credit available wherever podcasts live.

Speaker 21 If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAwlMovies at gmail.com. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Speaker 21 Our theme song was written and performed by Brian Slotnick of Evil Drafts on Mars. All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Kirk and was used with permission.

Speaker 21 Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath Enright, Neil Abosik. I'm Noelus, promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Speaker 21 Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti clothes.

Speaker 72 The serpent would go on to play several problematic characters in late 2000 movies until eventually retiring to become a U.S.

Speaker 21 Senator.

Speaker 21 Kane eventually realized that there weren't other people yet. He was fine.

Speaker 8 Eve went on to manage a brothel specializing in furries.

Speaker 1 The three crows filed a lawsuit against God for violating their eminent domain over that pile of dust, but it's unfortunately still tied up in the courts.

Speaker 41 Charlton Heston went on to die and have his gun taken from his cold dead hands.

Speaker 17 Aw, happy ending.

Speaker 1 100%.

Speaker 8 Adam started a sub stack documenting all the ways that it's absolutely Eve's fault.

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 11 Go with that one.

Speaker 1 Wait, what if the sharks were circumcised? Then could they get killed?

Speaker 23 Oh, shit.

Speaker 21 Wait.

Speaker 21 There has never been a circumcised shark with cancer.

Speaker 41 We haven't isolated this variable.

Speaker 22 That's right. Thank you.

Speaker 27 It's important.

Speaker 44 This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

Speaker 21 The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2025.

Speaker 22 All rights reserved.

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