10 Invisible Red Flags that Get You Rejected: Which Mistakes Are YOU Making? Plus 10 Fast Fixes

Speaker 1 out of your planned mind. Get in the present moment with her.
Get present with her. Give her a present.
Give her your presence.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett.
I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain self-confidence, get a great girlfriend.

Speaker 1 And do this by being authentic, radically authentic, not using any weird, toxic, sketchy pickup artist moves.

Speaker 1 This is about showing women your most confident, best, authentic self, because that's what women want.

Speaker 1 And today I'm going to help you fix some dating problems that are holding you back. I'm going to help you get rid of red flags.

Speaker 1 Red flags that push women away. Dating red flags that you might not know you're sending

Speaker 1 that make a woman friend zone you, or that make a woman ghost you, or that make a woman just say, hey, you seem great, but let's just be friends, or I'm just not ready to date right now.

Speaker 1 We're going to go through 10 of the most common dreaded dating life harming flags, these red flags. And in the next episode, I'm going to give you 10 green flags.

Speaker 1 that are going to help you make some sparks happen. So what is a dating red flag? Well, a red flag is any behavior or trait that makes a woman think,

Speaker 1 I'm not going to date this guy. It's something that's really hurting your chances of romance with women, and you don't even realize you're making these mistakes.

Speaker 1 And these red flags are not things that, it's not that you're a bad guy. It's not that you're not ready for love.
I don't mean you're not emotionally available.

Speaker 1 I mean red flags that signal low confidence, that signal awkwardness, or that signal an inability to connect with women romantically, emotionally, the way they want to.

Speaker 1 So what you need to do is make sure you get rid of these red flags. Here's a quick story from my dating past.
I remember a first date I had with a wonderful woman named Lorraine.

Speaker 1 She became my girlfriend, by the way. Lorraine and I met up at a bar.
It's our first date, and I'm sitting up at the bar and I'm reading the latest Harry Potter book.

Speaker 1 And she walks in, we meet, make some small talk, the date starts. And a few minutes into the date, she says, by the way, I just, I like that you're not trying to impress me.

Speaker 1 And I said, what do you mean? She said, well, you know, you're reading Harry Potter.

Speaker 1 I hate it when guys try to come off as something they're not.

Speaker 1 So basically she was saying she liked that I was leaning into my

Speaker 1 nerdy love of Harry Potter, as opposed to sitting there with a book by by Tolstoy or Dostoevsky or something, and trying to impress her. Later in the date, she tested me actually about something.

Speaker 1 We were talking about our favorite SNL

Speaker 1 shows and cast members, and she said, What do you think of Will Farrell?

Speaker 1 Do you think he's overrated? Do you think Will Farrell is just not that funny? And I said, No, I think Will Farrell is fantastic. He's a comedy genius.
He's great.

Speaker 2 I don't know how to put this,

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 I'm kind of a big deal.

Speaker 2 People know me. I'm very important.

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 2 many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Speaker 1 And she said, yeah, yeah, me too. I love him.
And she was basically testing me. She was trying to find out if I was going to say the thing that I thought she wanted me to say.

Speaker 1 Instead of really leaning into who I am and what I feel and what I believe and

Speaker 1 letting those those chips fall, that really attracted her. We made out.
She kissed me first. She basically jumped into my arms at the end of the date.
We had a really great first date make out.

Speaker 1 And about a month or so later, she was my girlfriend. And essentially, I had, at that point, I had been working enough on my dating life where I was able to eliminate most of these red flags.

Speaker 1 So if you can eliminate these red flags, you're going to make it so much easier to connect with a woman and get a great girlfriend.

Speaker 1 Lorraine also said something to me, something to me once that I want to share with you. She said, you know what? Guys think they need to score points with women on dates.

Speaker 1 You don't need to score points with us. You actually start off with a lot of points.
You just have to not lose points and you'll be in a good place.

Speaker 1 And I thought that was another way of getting at what we're talking about today, which is don't try to score points with women. Just don't lose points.

Speaker 1 And by eliminating these red flags, you're going to be able to not lose those points and make your dates go so much better and soon get yourself a great girlfriend. So let's get to it.

Speaker 1 Let's get to my 10 dating red flags to avoid. Dating red flag number one that will turn women off, pretending to be somebody you're not.
This is a red flag because attraction is built on authenticity.

Speaker 1 If you put a fake persona on, trying to impress her, she's going to sense it. So don't do some impression of what you think she wants.

Speaker 1 Don't act all James Bond cool or don't be this fake, toxic alpha male. Don't be all mysterious.
Ooh, withhold myself. Make her wonder who I am.
Don't act like a bad boy if that's not who you are.

Speaker 1 None of that is going to work, at least not for very long.

Speaker 1 Acting like a quote bad boy or being somebody you're not, when you're actually a kind, sweet, good guy, a nerd like me, a shy, sweet man, put that out there.

Speaker 1 Because if you put a false mask out there, you're not going to be able to keep that mask on. That mask is going to eat away at your face.

Speaker 1 So here's the fix. The fix is to remove that mask.
Own who you are. If you're a nerd, show your nerddom.
Just like I leaned into my dorky love of Harry Potter books.

Speaker 1 If you love 80s movies, talk about 80s movies. If she says something she's into, you don't know anything about it, say, I don't know anything about that.
Teach me. Tell me about Shakespeare.

Speaker 1 Tell me about XYZ topic.

Speaker 1 The right woman is going to be into you for you. Bottom line is, mom was right.

Speaker 1 The right girl is going to come along and she's going to like you for you.

Speaker 1 Okay, dating red flag number two that will turn women off.

Speaker 1 Coming off is really insecure or needy.

Speaker 1 Projecting neediness and insecurity. That is like

Speaker 1 too much axe body spray combined with BO. It repels women.
And it's a big red flag because women want a man who is going to add something to her life, who's not going to depend on her for validation.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 if you

Speaker 1 come off as

Speaker 1 super

Speaker 1 interested in something about her that she's talking about, you're pretending, that's going to come off as insecure and needy.

Speaker 1 If you wake up and send her nine text messages without her sending you one back and each message gets progressively needier did you get my message are you there are you ghosting me then you're going to turn her off that's a major red flag i had a client once who first came to me and he told me a story about why he was coming to me for coaching he realized he was super insecure he had a first date lined up with a woman and

Speaker 1 she's a neurosurgeon.

Speaker 1 She is literally saving lives all day. And

Speaker 1 turns out they had a date lined up for, I don't know, Tuesday night.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he messaged her at about 10 a.m. that day.
Hey, can't wait for tonight. No response from her.
Because she was in surgery. At noon, he messages her, hey, just making sure you got my last message.

Speaker 1 No response because she was in surgery. About 1.30,

Speaker 1 he writes again, hey, are you there? Are we still on for tonight? No message, because she was in surgery. 2.
2.30, 2.45 p.m. Hey, are you blowing me off? Are we still meeting up tonight?

Speaker 1 She's in surgery. She didn't even get these messages.

Speaker 1 Fast forward about 4, 4.30.

Speaker 1 He sends her a message. He says, you know what? Fuck you.
I am so tired of women like you. I can't believe you are ghosting me.
You XYZ. He's really in pain.
Bottom line is he's not a bad guy.

Speaker 1 He was just in pain, just losing out on love, missing love and taking it out on her. But all of,

Speaker 1 by the way, so she, she finally gets out of surgery at about 6.30 p.m.

Speaker 1 Sees all these messages from him. And of course, she

Speaker 1 cancels the date and says you and I are not meeting. And that all came from his neediness and insecurity.
So you want to make sure that you project

Speaker 1 a lack of neediness and a lack of insecurity. Bottom line is a woman, I very rarely say all women want X or no women want Y, but almost pretty much all women want a very secure, very confident man.

Speaker 1 And pretty much no woman. wants to be with a very needy, insecure person.
So you want to make sure that you guard against anything that comes off as needy or insecure okay

Speaker 1 all right dating red flag number three that will turn her off

Speaker 1 long

Speaker 1 awkward

Speaker 1 pause

Speaker 1 is

Speaker 1 Long, awkward pauses. These are big red flags for women because a woman wants a man who can have a nice natural engaging conversation with her.

Speaker 1 There are too many long awkward silences, long awkward pauses that signals nervousness, signals a lack of confidence.

Speaker 1 And of course, as I just said, pretty much all women want a man with a lot of self-confidence. And a woman also wants a guy who can just keep the conversation flow going reasonably well.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I ran into this problem myself, and I'm a pretty intelligent, witty, conversational guy on my good days, but I struggled with this too back in the day.

Speaker 1 So if you struggle with long, awkward pauses, I know how it feels. I would put too much pressure on myself.
I thought that the bar for conversation had to be 20 feet in the air, but it really doesn't.

Speaker 1 You can lower the bar, and that's the fix. The fix is lower the conversational bar.

Speaker 1 And a good tip for this is prepare some back pocket topics.

Speaker 1 one or two back pocket topics so that if you get stuck in your head, you can avoid those long, awkward silences and have something ready to talk about.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's the last trip you took, or if she's into tennis, ask her about her tennis game. Have something ready to go.

Speaker 1 Break glass for conversation topic so that if you notice more than two or three seconds pass of silence, you can fill that silence with that back pocket question you have and keep the conversation going.

Speaker 1 Bottom line is: women don't need the most amazing conversation on a date with a guy. What they do, though, really want is to avoid long, awkward silences.
Make sense?

Speaker 1 Boy, that was awkward, wasn't it?

Speaker 1 Okay. Dating red flag number four that will turn women off, lying or exaggerating.
details about your life.

Speaker 1 Here's a very quick, embarrassing story from my dating past. I'm on a first date with a gorgeous, beautiful, intelligent, witty woman named Lauren.
This is almost 20 years ago at this point.

Speaker 1 And at this point, I was not authentic. I was so insecure.
I thought I'm this nerdy ginger guy who women aren't that into. And I'm on this first date with Lauren.

Speaker 1 Lauren, I learn is into outdoor adventure activities. She loves scuba diving.
She's always traveling. She's into like four, five, six hour hiking hikes.

Speaker 1 And so on the date, I say to myself, well, she's not going to want nerdy, lame, shy, dorky Connell, who's into Star Wars and musical theater. So I better give her that adventure guy she wants.

Speaker 1 So I start lying, exaggerating how I'm so into.

Speaker 1 Oh, I told her that I swim with sharks.

Speaker 1 I told her that I swim with sharks, even though.

Speaker 1 Watching Jaws freaks me out. I told her I was taking pilot, piloting lessons to become a pilot.
Total BS. I'm lying through my teeth.
My forehead becomes a slip and slide of sweat.

Speaker 1 And of course she friend zoned me. She was clearly reading.
I don't know if she knew I was lying or not, but something was off. And that's the problem with lying or exaggerating.

Speaker 1 Either you can't keep it up, either you're going to get found out like I would have been found out, or you're just going to come off as a little bit off to a woman.

Speaker 1 Her gut instinct is going to say, I don't know, something about this doesn't seem right. And that's what happened with Lauren and myself.
And she blew me off. She friend zoned me.
So what's the fix?

Speaker 1 The fix here is to own where you are in life.

Speaker 1 If you're a bartender who's just living off of tips, okay, maybe you're not a millionaire yet. That's okay.
Lean into that. Talk about your ambition, your dreams of opening that bar.

Speaker 1 Women love ambition. If you are in the process of establishing who you are as a man, that's okay.
Talk about the things you're passionate about. Talk about the things you love.

Speaker 1 Don't try to be somebody you're not. Don't lie.
Don't exaggerate. You're probably going to get found out.
And even if you don't get found out, it's just bad karma. It's bad for the soul.

Speaker 1 Women can tell a guy who's full of it. And when you become a radically authentic man, when you enter that, what I call that 1% man, that zone of 1% men,

Speaker 1 you're comfortable, you're at peace and comfortable with who you are.

Speaker 1 It just makes you so much more attractive to women who like your type so no more lying pinocchio okay no more exaggerating it's okay to project it's okay to um to project the things that are attractive and to talk about things that play to your strengths but no lying don't be like don't be like i used to be don't tell women you are swimming with sharks when you're afraid to watch Jaws.

Speaker 1 Okay, dating red flag number five that will turn her off using canned rehearsed pickup lines and canned flirting moves, women can spot a rehearsed line a mile away.

Speaker 1 And it makes them feel like just another number. It makes them feel like you have an agenda.
It makes you robotic. So don't, you, don't do that.
Again, learn from my mistake.

Speaker 1 I used to go on dates years ago and I had all these pickup dating planned lines in my back pocket. Literally, had a piece of paper with like 10 cool, edgy, naggy naggy things to say.

Speaker 1 I would excuse myself in the middle of a date, go into the men's room, stall, or not stall, but the men's room.

Speaker 1 And I would look at my hit list of things to talk about and cheesy one-liners and scripts. And then I would go back and essentially, she must have felt like she was talking to a robot.
And guess what?

Speaker 1 It rarely went well. So I want you to drop the scripts.

Speaker 1 Anything you say that's real and raw is going to be so much more attractive than anything you rehearse. Real is better than rehearsed.
Raw is better than rehearsed. So drop the scripts.

Speaker 1 Drop the cheesy canned lines. Drop anything.
Get out of your planned mind. Get in the present moment with her.
Get present with her. Give her a present.
Give her your presence.

Speaker 1 You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone.

Speaker 1 It's frustrating. Hey, I struggled with dating too.
As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there.

Speaker 1 But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.

Speaker 1 It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America.

Speaker 1 And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.

Speaker 1 On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend. And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.
No creepy pickup tricks needed.

Speaker 1 So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. All right, dating red flag number six that will turn her the hell off.

Speaker 1 Touching too much

Speaker 1 or touching not at all. These are the two extremes you want to avoid on a first date.
And I'm talking in this sense about a first date. Let's say you're on a first date.
Touching or too much, no good.

Speaker 1 Physical touch is important.

Speaker 1 But if you get too touchy too soon, if you listen to all these idiots who are like, break the touch barrier at this certain time, all these lame male pickup losers who suck.

Speaker 1 If you take their advice and

Speaker 1 just randomly touch women, you're going to seem weird as fuck. That's so weird.

Speaker 1 But if you don't touch her at all, then you're going to come off like that timid, nice guy. Oh, hey, is it okay if I touch you? So you want to find a nice middle ground, okay?

Speaker 1 You want to think of physical touch as just an extension of your physical expression, just an extension. And so you want to think of that touch as an extension of your authentic expression.

Speaker 1 And while at the same time, you want to read the room a little bit. You want to go up these little stair steps of physical expression.

Speaker 1 So early on on a date, you might start with light, playful little touches, high five here. when you agree with something she said

Speaker 1 you make a point you touch her on the shoulder for a second then remove your hand. Maybe you tease her a little bit, give her a little playful nudge.
And of course, you read the room.

Speaker 1 You practice some empathy and some social acuity. Notice how she's feeling.
Women love when a guy actually pays attention to how she's feeling. If it's going well, she'll probably touch you back.

Speaker 1 She'll make it clear it's going well, and you can keep some physical expressiveness going. If she's uncomfortable with it, Stop touching.
Pull back a little bit. Give her some space.

Speaker 1 She might just need time to get comfortable with you.

Speaker 1 so don't feel like you need to do break the touch barrier in some kind of regimented way read the room don't touch too much too soon but also don't not touch her at all because part of what we do as humans is we are most of us are at least somewhat

Speaker 1 akin to or um uh dialed into physical touch on some level and everybody's a little bit different so i would say find that middle ground. Okay.

Speaker 1 Go up the stair step of physical touch. Don't touch too much, but don't touch not at all.
These are red flags that women want you to stop flying above your dating ship.

Speaker 1 Dating red flag number seven that will turn her off, boring dates, boring dates. Basically, women just want to feel something on a date.
They want some excitement, some fun.

Speaker 1 They want to feel like they're with a guy who's genuinely curious about her, who's giving her a good experience. So

Speaker 1 probably the most boring date that you want to avoid is the informational job interview.

Speaker 1 That's going to make a woman lose interest so fast if you just pummel her with informational, logical questions.

Speaker 1 By the way, don't worry about interview mode so much as worry about only logical, informational. interview mode.

Speaker 1 You can ask good questions on a date, but if you just ask her boring factual questions, where are you from? Where did you grow up? How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Speaker 1 When did you move to this town?

Speaker 1 What did you do for the holiday? If it's just facts and figures, then

Speaker 1 she's going to feel like she should have brought her resume.

Speaker 1 Major red flag.

Speaker 1 Not about you as a person. It just tells her, wow, if our first date is this boring, how boring is our relationship going to be? No bueno.
No bueno. And so here's a couple quick tips to fix this.

Speaker 1 To have exciting dates, or at least non-boring dates.

Speaker 1 First is come up with dynamic date ideas. Come up with some dynamic date ideas.

Speaker 1 Don't suggest, let's go for a walk as a first date. That sucks.
That's lame.

Speaker 1 Don't, I shouldn't say never do let's grab drinks because I was cool with that in my single days, but just grabbing drinks can also come off as as boring to a lot of women.

Speaker 1 So go with something a bit more that has a, that breaks her pattern of what she's used to on a date. If you live near a river, maybe go on a river walk.

Speaker 1 A first date at an arcade could be really fun. A,

Speaker 1 I've done Jenga first dates.

Speaker 1 Instead of just meeting for coffee, I had a first date once where I said, hey, let's meet for the world's best cappuccino at this really cool cafe that has all these fun games.

Speaker 1 We'll have amazing cappuccino and we'll play some Jenga.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that gave the date a little bit of dynamism and

Speaker 1 made it sound less boring. And of course, on the date, make sure that you don't only ask dull job interview type questions.
Ask some questions with some emotion involved.

Speaker 1 You know, ask her question, ask her feel questions. What's your favorite thing in the world to do?

Speaker 1 What lights you up more than anything else you could ask her, you know, besides dating, going on a date with with a handsome man like me.

Speaker 1 That's an emotional question. You could ask her,

Speaker 1 instead of, do you like to travel? You could say,

Speaker 1 if you could go anywhere in the world, if we could go anywhere in the world together, be transported there right now, where would we go?

Speaker 1 Those kinds of more creative questions. Pepper these into your dates and

Speaker 1 you'll stop having women friends on you.

Speaker 1 So yeah,

Speaker 1 a big reason why women flake on a guy before

Speaker 1 a date. Like, have you ever had a good lead on the dating apps and she went quiet? Of course you have.
Have you ever had a woman cancel on you when you had a date planned or a tentative date planned?

Speaker 1 I'll bet that's happened to you. So often, the reason is because she feels this is going to be boring.

Speaker 1 So a woman doesn't feel like you need to feel like you're the one, that she's going to marry you, but she just, to get her out on a date, she just wants to feel like, okay, this won't be boring and it won't be filled with awkward silences.

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Speaker 1 Okay, dating red flag number eight that will turn women off

Speaker 1 not being playful or fun.

Speaker 1 This is a big red flag because women in general are drawn to playful, lighthearted, fun energy. I mean, we all are, actually, but women in particular in dating.

Speaker 1 So if every conversation seems very

Speaker 1 analytical or if it lacks playfulness, then that's going to make it harder for her to feel those sparks.

Speaker 1 And if a date isn't fun or playful, then

Speaker 1 that's going to make it really difficult for you to get a second date. Or let's say you approach a woman.

Speaker 1 If you approach her, which will impress some women, that you confidently walked up to her and started talking, that alone is enough to get you a phone number often.

Speaker 1 But if you're not playful, if you're not fun in that conversation, guess what? She'll give you her number, but she will not text you back. She'll go quiet.

Speaker 1 So if you've ever approached a woman, gotten her phone number, and then she went quiet, your interaction with her probably lacked the fun and play that she wants.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 what's a fix for this? Well, play some games.

Speaker 1 Inject some playfulness on... on your dates or in your conversations.
I don't mean be a game player in the manipulative sense. I mean literally play games.

Speaker 1 Games like thumb wrestling, games like staring contest, a fun conversational get to know you game. Like you can play two truths and a lie.

Speaker 1 I assume you know the idea of two truths and a lie that's on all the dating apps.

Speaker 1 That's a great first date game to play where you say three things about yourself and you challenge her to figure out which one is the lie. And then she can do the same thing.

Speaker 1 So you can pour the art of getting to know each other into the container of a game like two truths and a lie. I played a great game once.
I once had a first date with a woman.

Speaker 1 We played a game called First Time. Here's how first time works.
You simply say, let's take turns asking each other about the first time we did X or Y.

Speaker 1 And by the way, she and I had already kissed. We had a nice, sweet little kiss.
And we're playing a game. So I say, hey, I say, hey, let's play first time.

Speaker 1 And I asked her, hey, what was the first time you ever flew on an airplane by yourself?

Speaker 1 And she told that story. And, you know, we talked about the first date we ever had.
A lot of first time type questions. And then I said to her, okay, what was your,

Speaker 1 what was your first kiss like?

Speaker 1 And she said, oh, it was great.

Speaker 1 She smiled, got a little bit, a little bit

Speaker 1 blushy. And I said, oh, when was it?

Speaker 1 And she said, by the way, she was in her, probably probably her early 20s. And she said,

Speaker 1 it was about 15 minutes ago. She got all blushing.
And I realized I had just been her first ever kiss.

Speaker 1 I was her first ever kiss. I was so blown away.
I was so like, I was like, it was a combination of being honored and

Speaker 1 a little bit turned on and also just like, kind of like my heart just swelled. I I was like, oh my God, I was your first kiss.
I had never, as far as I know, I'd never been a girl's first kiss before.

Speaker 1 And then she got to open up a little bit about how she didn't date very much. She never dated in college.
She focused on her studies.

Speaker 1 There were some religious things in her background that made dating a back burner thing for her. Bottom line is a playful, fun conversation turned into something that really connected us and

Speaker 1 as people, and that was playful. So anyway, dating red flag number eight, just inject some playfulness into your dates or your conversations by playing some fun get-to-know-you games.

Speaker 1 Dating red flag number nine that will turn women off.

Speaker 1 Ooh, this is a bad one. Talking badly or negatively about your exes,

Speaker 1 or at least

Speaker 1 talking about your exes in a way that doesn't show growth. So this is a red flag because

Speaker 1 if you talk about your ex

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 blame her for anything, if you talk badly about anybody, it can make you look bitter. It can show that you're not over your past.
And it can show that you don't take responsibility in relationships.

Speaker 1 And again, I'll use myself as an example. I actually never made this mistake, luckily, I don't think.
And I had a couple of bad relationships. And

Speaker 1 I was briefly married. I was married for nine weeks, very briefly married to a woman I wasn't in love with.
And I don't think she was in love with me. But we were both settling.

Speaker 1 Bottom line is, luckily, I

Speaker 1 maybe just through hopefully some emotional intelligence, I never got negative about her. In fact, here's the fix.
So don't talk negatively about an ex. Instead, talk positively about an ex.

Speaker 1 Or at the very least, talk about the lessons you've learned and how you've grown.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 realized how powerful it can be

Speaker 1 to talk about lessons from past relationships, at least briefly on a date. And I remember I would talk about my now ex-wife on dates, and I would say, you know what?

Speaker 1 It wasn't meant to be, but I'm glad it happened because she learned a lot. I learned so much about what I, about not settling.
I grew so much as a man. At least I think I did.

Speaker 1 And so I was trying to be humble about it, but I did grow a lot from my past broken relationships, especially my brief marriage.

Speaker 1 And so what I noticed is on a date, here's a little sneak preview of the green flag episode coming up. You can turn a red flag into a green flag.

Speaker 1 So instead of complaining about my ex, I actually would say, you know what? She was the one who ended it. And thank God she did.
She was stronger than I was.

Speaker 1 She could see that this wasn't meant to be. So she ended our marriage after nine weeks.
And I'm glad she did, because at the time, I hadn't grown up enough, but boy, did I learn a lesson.

Speaker 1 And think about the message that sends a woman you're talking to. Wow, this guy is self-aware.
He's growing. First of all, he doesn't trash his exes.

Speaker 1 Secondly, he's learned lessons from his past relationships. So that's the fix, basically, is to avoid talking badly about your ex.
And even better, turn this into a green flag, man.

Speaker 1 Talk about

Speaker 1 what a wonderful person she was, just just not right for you.

Speaker 1 Talk about how you're friends now, if you are.

Speaker 1 And most importantly, you can say to your date, you can say, here's what I learned about my relationship that ended. And then share what you learned.

Speaker 1 That is such an attractive trait because your future girlfriend is going to wanna be with a man who has learned and is growing because that

Speaker 1 means good things for her and for you if you get into a relationship. Okay, here's one more.
Dating red flag number 10. That's going to turn women off, which is to brag, show off, try to impress.

Speaker 1 Quick story.

Speaker 1 I once had a client named Jacob. Jacob and I once went out on the town in Los Angeles.
I do in-person coaching. Take a guy out.
I help him approach women. And Jacob and I went out.

Speaker 1 It was the very first night we ever worked together. We're at a really cool, fancy, classy lounge called EPLP in Hollywood.

Speaker 1 It's quite literally in the Hollywood Hills or in the shadow of the Hollywood Hills. And it's filled with beautiful, stylish, thin, gorgeous, cool

Speaker 1 women, Southern California women, you can imagine. And

Speaker 1 I'm in coach mode. I'm playing wingman for the night.
So Jacob and I go out. and I say, hey, show me what you can do.

Speaker 1 Because the first thing I want to do with the client is I want him to approach some women and I want to watch, see what I notice, see if I can, what kind of corrections and blind spots I can help him fix so we can get some great approaching results.

Speaker 1 So Jacob walks up to two women, two beautiful women. And I remember it vividly.
They're both drinking these dirty martinis. They had like backless tops, tight jeans, gorgeous, stylish.

Speaker 1 nines and tens, if you want to use the number scale.

Speaker 1 And Jacob walks up to them, but he doesn't say anything right away he walks up and he hands them both his business card he's a very successful plastic surgeon in los angeles so he hands them his business card

Speaker 1 and he says hey i'm a plastic surgeon a beverly hills plastic surgeon and they take his card and these two women are so at first they're confused one of one of the women covered her nose

Speaker 1 because they must have been thinking, is he trying to tell us we need plastic surgery? Is he looking for clients?

Speaker 1 And then they realized, they looked at each other and kind of smiled and laughed, not with him. They laughed at him because they realized, oh my God, this is his pickup line.

Speaker 1 This is him trying to pick us up.

Speaker 1 And it did not go well. They blew him off within a minute or two and basically said, nice meeting you.
Thanks for the card and walked away.

Speaker 1 Nice meeting you, by the way, when you approach, is polite woman code for not going to happen, dude. Nice try.
No thanks.

Speaker 1 And so I took Jacob aside and I said, never, ever, ever approach a woman like that.

Speaker 1 Women are turned off by men who seek their validation through money, through status, through their achievements, instead of just being secure in who they are.

Speaker 1 By the way, there's nothing wrong, quite the opposite. There's nothing wrong with being wealthy, being successful, having a great career.

Speaker 1 But if you try to use that, if you name drop fancy restaurants you've been to, or if you mention your cool Lamborghini or your cool job, that comes off, it actually lowers your status in that woman's eyes because you're basically saying to her, I'm not enough.

Speaker 1 So I have to impress you with my money and my cool watch and my cool car.

Speaker 1 And you will instantly get blown out on a date, in an approach, when you're texting and in all parts of conversations with women.

Speaker 1 So major red flag that's going to turn women off bragging, showing off, trying to impress her, especially with wealth and status and money. Here's the fix.
The fix is

Speaker 1 don't impress,

Speaker 1 express.

Speaker 1 If you want to be impressive, don't try to impress her. Instead, express yourself.

Speaker 1 In other words, be authentic, express your personality, share your sense of humor, your sensibilities. Let's go back to Jacob.
So here's what I did. I took him aside.

Speaker 1 I just shared with him what I just told you. And I said, all right, let's correct this right now, bro.
Let's go up to women.

Speaker 1 And instead of telling them about how much money you make or that you're a plastic surgeon, I want you to talk about, let your job come up organically in conversation. Don't lead with it.

Speaker 1 And then if you're going to talk about your job, talk about it through the lens of what it allows you to do and how it lets you help people. And by the way, Jake is an amazing guy.

Speaker 1 He's not just working on rich Hollywood actress types or actor types. He does skin graphs on people who've been in fires.

Speaker 1 He does

Speaker 1 repairing plastic surgery for people who have birth defects or have

Speaker 1 kind of bone structure problems

Speaker 1 in their face. He transforms people's self-esteem.
He has an amazing job. And

Speaker 1 we got that clear. And I said, lead with that.

Speaker 1 If you're going to talk about your career, talk about how amazing it feels to be able to change somebody's self-esteem or to take a burn victim and graft skin from another part of their body onto their face and give them a sense of self-esteem back.

Speaker 1 Like that is priceless to be able to share that kind of passion and contribution. Like I'm getting chills thinking about it, how beautiful that is.

Speaker 1 So fast forward about an hour hour later, we're still at EPLP. And then, and

Speaker 1 Jake approaches a really attractive woman. I forget her name, but I think she was some top entertainment attorney, beautiful, super successful.
And he does exactly what I just shared with you.

Speaker 1 They're clicking and connecting about what they love about their jobs. So, she's hearing the Jake plastic surgery story.
but she's hearing it through the lens of how he helps people,

Speaker 1 how he changes a burn victim's self-esteem, how they see themselves in the mirror. And then he shared with her how that made him feel.

Speaker 1 And it was all authentic. It was all genuine and super real.
And they actually clicked and connected that night and had an amazing, basically, they left EPLP together.

Speaker 1 I know because I was in the car with them as a good coach.

Speaker 1 I was in their car with them and then I eventually peeled off on my own.

Speaker 1 But anyway, I was so proud of Jake that night because he learned a great lesson, which is don't brag, don't show off by trying to impress her with your wealth or with anything else.

Speaker 1 Don't try to impress a woman. The lesson I'll leave you with for this episode is stop trying to impress her.

Speaker 1 There's nothing more impressive to a woman than a guy who's comfortable expressing himself, what he's passionate about, how

Speaker 1 if you do have money, if you do have status, talk about what it allows you to do that helps others or how it allows you to tap into your passion or essentially how it lets you grow and give.

Speaker 1 A man who's growing and a man who's giving is

Speaker 1 incredibly attractive. So yeah, I don't care if you make Scrooge McDuck money.
Don't talk about how you like to swim and dive into your giant vault of coins.

Speaker 1 Talk about what you're able to do with that. with those resources, how it allows you to help people or play up the passion for what you do and leave money out of it completely.

Speaker 1 Okay, those are the 10 dating red flags that will turn women off. Stick around because in next week, in part two, I'm going to give you 10 green flags.
10 green flags that women are dying to see.

Speaker 1 from their men they they meet and possibly date that are going to get you second dates third dates fifth dates 10 dates and eventually a great girlfriend thank you so much, by the way.

Speaker 1 I know there are only about a million podcasts out there, and you've just listened to mine. That means a lot to me.
I really appreciate it. I'm your coach.
I'm your podcast coach.

Speaker 1 I just want to help you. So, thank you for letting me help you today.
I hope I've helped a little bit. And until next time, don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she's out there.

Speaker 1 She is going to love you, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic you. So, go out there.
Don't just take

Speaker 1 the content, the tips, the information here, and

Speaker 1 just let it settle. Go out there and take action.
Go apply these concepts in real life. Go take courageous, authentic action.
Carpe datum. Seize the date.
Till next time.