From 10 Years of Loneliness to Landing His Dream Girl Allie: How Jake Found Love—and How You Can, Too!

Been into creed this year.

Okay.

Confessions of Jake.

Talk about being vulnerable and authentic, admitting that you like Creed.

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett.

I am here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend.

And do it all by being authentic.

Being your real, most authentic, awesome self, no sketchy pickup artist moves needed.

And this episode is very special.

It's perfect for the new year because it's a new year and I want you to get a new girlfriend in 2025, to have a new wonderful woman entering your life very soon.

And today's episode is about how my client Jake was able to do just that.

When Jake first came to me, he was struggling with some issues that might resonate with you.

He did not know how to talk to women.

He could not approach.

He got stuck in his head a lot.

He just didn't know what to say, didn't know how to flirt.

And he was also struggling with some issues relating to self-confidence.

Jake is an engineer.

He's in his early 30s.

He lives in the southern U.S.

And he was battling some things like loneliness.

He hadn't had a girlfriend since the mid-teens, about 2015, 2016, somewhere around there.

And he came to me because he just said, Connell, I'm lonely.

I don't know how to talk to women.

And I just feel like I'm not what women want.

The word he used in one of our very first conversations was, I just feel inadequate.

I'm not good looking enough.

I'm not charismatic enough.

I'm just not enough.

And he and I worked together.

And not that long ago, he ended up getting his now girlfriend, Allie, in his life.

Allie is, I haven't met her, but she's beautiful.

She seems so cool and sweet.

And she is deeply, deeply in love with the real Jake.

And Jake just became so much more confident, good at flirting, good at approaching, a lot more dates from the dating apps.

And I'm really proud to say that working with

By working with Jake, we were able to get him this incredible girlfriend.

And that's what this podcast is called.

It's called How to Get a Girlfriend.

So, you're about to listen to a fun conversation I had with Jake, basically, all about the problems he had and how we fixed them and how he was able to get a great girlfriend.

And along the way, don't just listen to Jake's successes, but also listen to the insights, the tips.

I share a lot of insights, so does Jake, by the way, in this episode about

how to talk to women on first dates, about how to get more matches, about

having the right mindset, what I call the higher self mindset, that radically authentic self, that most confident badass version of you.

That's the guy women are going to be most attracted to.

So please enjoy this conversation with my former client, Jake, who now has a great girlfriend.

He's going to tell you how he brought her into his life.

And going forward on this podcast, I want to help you get a great girlfriend.

So listen to Jake and I talk about everything from flirting to dating to creed, the band Creed.

Enjoy.

Hey, Jake, happy holidays, man.

Long time no chat.

Yeah, same to you.

Great to talk to you.

Yeah, thank you so much for being here.

Our listener is super psyched to hear about your journey from struggling in a lot of ways.

with women and struggling with approaching and what to talk about on dates to now having this incredible, incredible girlfriend named Allie.

We're going to talk about you and her shortly.

But I thought you and I might begin at the beginning.

When you first came to me, you reached out and booked a free call with me and said, hey, Connell, I need some help with some things.

What were some of the things you were most struggling with when we first spoke?

Yeah, totally.

So it's crazy to think where I'm at now compared to where I was a year ago.

So, I mean,

I'd kind of been reading through your book, and you know, I just for many years, I'd been out of college for seven, eight years, and just really struggling to find a good rhythm with dating.

I would occasionally go on dates, maybe a couple dates per year,

but

just

really

couldn't seem to get the dates flowing.

And I tried several different things.

And I think just when I got on the phone call with you, it just was really,

I think, a

sort of a pivotal moment where I was like, all right, I'm going to do this.

I'm going to focus on dating and make it a top priority.

and really learn

how to date because I definitely had a lot of skills that I was lacking like being able to get on dating apps and actually

take a girl from the first message to off the dApps to a date to the to the first kiss like that was just completely foreign to me

as well as

you know, many other many other aspects about

just well you wanted, as I recall, you wanted a few simple things.

I remember you saying, Oh, I just want to be able to go on a dating app, get some matches, and get dates.

I want to be able to approach women and be confident and know what to say.

And I think, most of all, you wanted a great girlfriend.

Could you elaborate on just what you wanted on day one?

Yeah, for sure.

I think I wanted

the feeling of

like I knew what I was doing

when I when I talked to women.

women.

I think the feeling the feeling of

uncertainty was just was killing me.

So I just wanted that.

I wanted that comfort,

that just like ability, that smooth ability to

go on a date with a girl and just

know how to kind of lead things.

And

I did want a girl.

I wanted a person that I could share my interests with

share

just fun,

you know, fun dates with, be intimate with.

And

yeah, it was just, it was something I hadn't really, really had much before.

So it was definitely a very strong,

strong desire.

As I recall, you hadn't had a girlfriend since maybe the mid-teens?

Yeah, really since,

yeah, pushing 10 years since I'd had a real girlfriend.

Yeah, so you wanted a girlfriend, you wanted some smoothness, you wanted to know what to say, what to do, and you wanted to not have too much uncertainty.

And

that all sounds really great.

I like to think of a guy like you,

you're like a hero in your own journey.

You know, you want like a protagonist in a movie or a novel.

You want something wonderful.

And the problem with being a hero in a hero's journey is there are certain things that get in the way.

There are problems that stop you.

And you had some problems that were getting in the way.

We talked on that first couple, those first couple conversations about that internal monologue you had.

That felt your words were, I was looking at my notes, draining, frustrating.

Quote, am I attractive enough?

I don't know if I have the social skills to talk to girls.

Am I attractive enough?

Can you talk a little bit about the internal things that were pushing back, that voice in your head that was hurting your confidence back then?

Yeah, it it was, I mean, it was a lot of different things,

but yeah, mainly that inner voice that would just constantly come up.

Anytime I felt like I made a mistake or didn't do something right, it was just constantly there, ready to just make me feel like shit about myself.

So

I

felt like,

yeah, I didn't I didn't have a lot of dating experience back in

high school or college, you know, a couple of short relationships, but

yes, I mean,

being able to

shut down that voice and actually just have fun on dates was

something that was quite difficult to do

going into the beginning of this year.

And you wanted to meet women in different ways.

You wanted to be able to get good matches on the dating apps.

You wanted to be able to meet women out in the real world, approach, get some phone numbers and dates.

Can you share the story you shared with me way back?

You were at a restaurant with people you knew.

As I recall, there was a hostess you were attracted to, and you wanted to talk to her, flirt with her, but something got in the way.

Tell us that story, if you would.

Yeah,

I mean, there were honestly several stories like that.

So they, I think the one you're referring to,

yeah, I think I was like, I think I was maybe

with my family and just

didn't feel comfortable.

I didn't want to look like an idiot.

And so,

yeah, just totally.

And you didn't want to be a, quote, creepy loser, right?

Remember that, Chris?

That's right.

What's so funny is there is nothing creepy about you.

You're the coolest, most amazing guy.

But that's what that, what I call the lower self.

That's what that lower self, self-doubtful

mindset can do to us is make, make us go, oh, don't be a creepy loser.

Do women see you as a creepy loser?

And so that, I remember you saying, yeah, you wanted to chat, flirt with a cute hostess, but what if your family saw?

What if people saw you get shot down?

It was that kind of bullshit, right?

Yeah, yeah.

For sure.

Yeah.

And so no wonder you needed a little help.

It's okay.

And, you know, I do this thing with all my clients, such as your good self, where we give that lower self a name.

Mine is Connie.

Because Connie is that identity that represents the fearful, doubtful side of me who used to think, oh, you're a skinny, nerdy ginger who girls aren't into.

That was why I could not approach women or have any confidence until well into my 30s.

And you very vulnerably named your lower self Creepy Loser.

Now, it's a pretty painful sounding name, but hopefully in a helpful way, because we want to get in touch with that voice of self-doubt keeping us down, right?

Exactly.

Yeah.

So, okay, Creepy Loser was your lower self name.

So basically, you and I chatted and we said, okay, you want some amazing things, but you've got...

some self-doubt holding you back and also just some pure mechanics, some flirting and approaching mechanics that were getting in the way, and that internal monologue of basically, oh, am I attractive enough?

Am I what women want?

Now let's get into some of the fun stuff that we did together.

Let's talk about,

let's talk about

the actions we started to put into place as we started to work.

What were some of the things that you felt worked best in terms of flirting, in terms of assessing the action you were taking?

Share some thoughts, please.

Yeah, I mean,

I mean, the first thing was just a few tweaks to the dating apps and starting to getting some matches.

Like, that was

a big shift.

And I could finally kind of start to,

instead of just thinking about what I would do and

what I could do right and wrong, it was actually I was out there going on dates and getting to talk to you about it.

And

really, I think one of the big things that was helpful was, you know, you really,

it was almost

a chore at the beginning, but you were just constantly making me do the heads and tails analysis.

What went well, what went bad.

And I think that really helped to force out the

that negative voice in my head.

And really got to also just go out and enjoy

some fun experiences.

So you're talking about what I call the coin of self-assessment.

Yes.

Here's a tip for everybody listening.

When you go out into the world, whether it's a first date or an approach

or a match on a dating profile and you're messaging back and forth after any interaction with a woman, you want to start with heads.

What I mean by heads is we want to start with something positive and empowering, which is what are one to three things that you did well and feel good about because it's so easy to focus to beat yourself up and to say oh Connell I approached that girl but you know

she didn't give me her number she wasn't into me and if you do that not you Jake but the royal you if you don't focus on some positive things then that can hurt your mindset so we want to start with hey what did I do well what can I feel good about Because I remember you going out to approach some women there in your hometown and or near your hometown.

And you reported back to me one night, you would talk to like five, six, seven, eight women one night out at the bars.

And maybe you didn't get phone numbers or dates that night, but you did two or three other things really well that I think started to give you a little bit of hope, a little bit of like, hey, wow, I can talk to women and they talk back and everything's okay.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I think really being able to just focus on it was a big deal.

So,

you know, I've got a full-time job and everything,

but I was going out multiple times a week, at least, you know, two or three times.

I like to try to do a sort of a nighttime

scene and a daytime scene,

at least once a week.

And yeah, I would sometimes go out to bookstores or go out to the stores.

Yeah, just getting in the rhythm of

just

chatting girls up, saying like hey what do you what do you think of this jacket or what do you what do you think about um

what do you think about these things and when you uh when you can get out like when i could get out of my head and just kind of be present and just ask things that were on my mind it just the the the connection started happening so much faster

awesome great yeah let's get into that and i'll let you choose the context for this next question the context is could be approaching could be first dates, but share a story or two.

Share an aha moment you had where you realized, oh, whoa, that's what I can say or do to get more confident, get a better reaction from women.

What stories, what aha moments jump to your mind?

Yeah, I think there were...

There were a couple, I think there was the first week where I really started

getting a lot of matches on the dating apps.

And I think I went on four or five dates in a single week, which was just,

that was more than I'd been on the entire year before.

And I just remember,

I remember that was one of them.

It was kind of a

last-minute date that I set up.

And me and this girl met at this like little,

little downtown, just outside the city vineyard place and had like a this this Latin dance night that didn't even know it was going on or actually like learned about it just before so

and

I'd done like a couple of Latin dance classes back a few years ago when I was trying to learn you know some different skills that would be useful in dating and I'm not not a great dancer but just being able to, I think coming off this high of, wow, I've got these matches, I've got these,

you know, I feel feeling like I'm having some success,

just went into this date really confident and was able to, you know, have some conversations with this girl and

we went to the dance floor and by no means was was uh

you know tearing up the floor but just being able to

have fun, and you know, went really well.

We were dancing and kissing, and it just was, it was a,

it was like one of the first experiences where I was like, oh man, this is a girl I literally met,

you know, 30 minutes ago, and she's already just like,

we're having a great time, having fun.

And

yeah,

it was amazing to see that that was possible for me.

Yeah, well, compare that abundant mentality you were beginning to tap into.

Three, four, five dates that week, kissing a girl you had met 30 minutes before.

That's what I call dating abundance, where you have all these new wins or at least options and possible wins compared to the scarcity that you had when, quote,

creepy loser was running your dating line.

And by the way,

I forgot to mention something.

So

we gave you this lower self-name, creepy loser.

We also gave you what I call the higher self-name, which is the name I have my clients give that best, most badass, authentic version of themselves.

And for you, we came up with Jake the Creator.

Because you like to create.

You have all these different projects.

You like to create things.

You do a lot of work around your home.

You're very, you're an engineer, so you're good with your hands, you're good with creating things.

So, the idea is that there's a higher self inside of you that has an abundance of lots of women who would love to be with you if they met this higher self.

And all of a sudden, it sounds like on this date when you were salsa dancing, Jake the Creator really came out and realized, Hey, I've got a lot of good options here, and it's I'm just really clicking with this woman,

yeah, for sure.

I think, I think I knew that that higher self existed, but I couldn't figure out how to bring it out when I was dating.

When I was dating, I was just in this, yeah, the creepy loser mindset of,

I'm not doing this right, I'm not doing that right.

And it really took, it took a handful of dates.

You know, so I think that was maybe the,

you know, maybe the somewhere on like the 10th date I'd been on.

And so it just, it took a little bit of, took a little bit of time to get comfortable with that.

But once I got there,

it was a lot easier to get there again because I just had a feeling for

what that looked like.

Right.

The higher self needs to be reminded every day that he's inside of you.

So here's something you at home can do every single morning.

Every single morning, take 15 minutes.

I call it the confidence kickoff or an hour of power, 15 minutes minimum.

It can be up to 60 minutes.

And literally write down, or better yet, say verbally three to five things about you that you know make you a good catch for women.

And make them I am statements.

I am successful.

I am

big-hearted, or I speak three languages, or I love to travel.

It can be anything.

You just want to shift that lower self mindset away from the things that you think you lack and start focusing on the things you know you offer because that's how we essentially flip that switch and put that higher self in charge.

But he needs to be reminded every single day or else he won't show up.

And then we've got creepy loser or Connie showing up instead of Jake the Crater or Connell fucking Barrett, which is my higher self name, which is so stupid.

It's brilliant.

Connell fucking Barrett.

Anyway, okay,

back to your story.

So all of a sudden, you've got some great leads coming in on dates.

You've got multiple women wanting to have dates with you.

I remember you struggled early on, or one of the things you were struggling with before you and I worked together was, what do I talk about?

Is my content good enough?

Is my flirting good enough?

And I gave you what I call the 80-20 rule to follow on dates, where, you know, most of what you say doesn't have to be amazing.

Anyway, talk about what I call the 80-20 rule, if you would.

Talk about how that helped you either with dates or approaching or both.

Yeah, that was, I remember that.

That was a big, that was a big kind of shift for me because I found myself going into dates feeling like

if I wasn't performing at the top level for the entire date, it was, it was going to be a failure and it was going to be my fault.

But

I remember you telling me, you know, 80% of the conversation can be kind of boring.

I remember saying,

Jake, I dare you to be boring.

I remember I said, go up and approach women and ask them about AI.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know how that went, but I just remember you like, okay, if I could talk about AI, I guess I could talk about anything.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, and I think,

yeah, I mean,

what it came down to was,

I think one of the big things that was holding me back was my just fear of being boring and uninteresting.

I thought that I had to be super interesting to a girl for her to be attracted to me when

it was really

I just needed to show up as myself and be a

interesting,

like

just normal person.

I think

be normal, just be authentic.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And, but then it, it did give me, it gave me freedom to, when I did think of something funny, I could throw it in there and it would, it would be a great moment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, what's your favorite band?

What are some bands or musical artists you like?

Pop or rock?

Anybody?

Oh, man.

It's kind of a meme for me this year, but but been into Creed this year.

Okay.

Confessions of Jake.

Talk about being vulnerable and authentic, admitting that you like Creed.

Fine.

No judgment.

No judgment here.

I guess my point was about to be, it still is,

when you're on a date, you don't have to be Creed's greatest hits.

Every song doesn't have to be a banger.

You can just kind of have some jams, have some kind of B-sides.

And then every so often, maybe you throw,

I don't know, what's Creed's big music?

Give you some Creed music higher.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, cool.

One hire per date is enough to make a woman go, damn, I like this guy's music.

But yeah, you don't have to be Creed's greatest hits, or I'm a big Beatles nerd.

You don't have to be,

doesn't have to be the number one, 20 number one hits.

You can just have, like, it could be side two of Abbey Road on a date.

Some girls just want to jam and like, yeah, rocking out to some tunes.

And that's my little analogy for, you don't need to fill a date or an approach with amazing content.

Just 80-20 rule.

80% sincere, normal, authentic.

20%, 10 to 20% can be what I call man-to-woman communication.

Flirting, teasing, compliments,

the fun parts of banter.

But 80% of it can just be Jake being Jake.

Because guess what?

Jake is more than enough because he's Jake the creator.

You struggle with dating, right?

Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone.

It's frustrating.

Hey, I struggled with dating too.

As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone.

I owned real estate there.

But I escaped.

Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.

It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't.

And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America.

And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.

So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.

On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend.

And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.

No creepy pickup tricks needed.

So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

Yeah, yeah, it was, it was definitely, I remember going on dates beforehand, like before working with you, was just very high anxiety through most of the date.

Whereas

afterward, especially,

It was just a lot more relaxing.

Like I could, I could start to

say,

am I having, like, am I interested in this girl?

As opposed to constantly thinking about, am I performing?

Am I doing a good job?

It's just, am I having, am I enjoying it?

Because

there were some dates where not going well and

because we just weren't a good fit.

And previously, I would, I would think,

I'm no good.

I'm a, I'm a lousy dating person.

I'm not attractive.

But kind of as the year went on, I just was able to be a little bit more comfortable with, oh, I'm, I'm, you know, this, maybe this girl isn't for me.

And

it made the ones where I did connect with them all that much more exciting because it was, oh, wow, there's a connection here.

I can, I can feel it.

Well, you changed the underlying question.

that you were asking beneath the surface on a first date.

The underlying question, the term I learned from one of my coaches is the primary question that kind of underscores a date.

There's always a question that's being asked.

And the old question you were asking, and you tell me if I'm close here, Jake, but the old question you were asking was, am I flirting well?

Or does she like me?

Or how do I impress her?

Do you feel like those were some questions that you were asking almost like beneath the surface before you and I ever worked together?

Yeah, definitely.

It was just.

Yeah.

How do I get her to like me?

What do I say?

What's the right move, basically?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you changed the question to, is she a good fit for me?

Or maybe the new question became, how do I find out if she meets my standards?

That's an amazing question.

That's a higher self question.

Right.

Is she good enough for me or are we clicking as people as opposed to, am I good enough for her?

Because

that's a total mindset game change if you can shift that the way you think about the date itself

yeah for sure and just being able to be more comfortable

like there's things that I enjoy talking about so

bringing those up and

being comfortable with that

and feeling like this is this is who I am this is

let's let's see if she's let's see if she's into me and my true self.

I love that.

And you're doing something there called what I call the buyer-seller dynamic.

Too many men go on first dates or approach a woman with the mindset of I am the seller and she's the buyer and I want to sell myself to her.

And that is understandable, but it's absolutely poison.

for connection, for sparks, because that puts you in a lower place than the woman.

Because if I'm walking up to you trying to sell myself to you, that means you're above me and women don't want to date a guy who's below her.

But it sounds like you're shifting it to, hey, are you what I'm looking for?

Or do we fit as people?

And that allows a woman to feel like, oh, gosh, he's kind of screening to find out if I meet his standards.

And that's what really attractive,

great guys do.

A lot of guys do it naturally.

You had to learn how to do it, but you started to do it.

Let's talk about some fun kind of flirting moves, good old-fashioned mechanics.

Were there any, you know, I call it man-to-woman communication.

I teach things like playfulness,

good, authentic, sincere compliments, teasing, storytelling.

We talked about the 80-20 rule.

Are there any other flirting moves that you learned from me, either in my coaching with you or in the book, that you felt like, oh, wow, that really worked.

That really resonated?

I think

one that I remember is just

sort of spiking the conversation and,

you know, maybe talking about something totally different.

But just like

finding the right way to

just throw something in there that turns it into man-to-woman.

Like, I remember there was this one girl that I went out with,

and we were talking about bands, and...

I bet you were talking about Creed, weren't you?

That may have come up.

That's confidence, a man who can talk about Creed on a first date.

Yeah, yeah.

So listen to this.

She says,

I was like, so

what was your

favorite band in

high school?

And she's like, I think it may have been Nickelback.

Okay.

And so, you know, previously, I would have just oh that's funny that's that's yeah I like nickelback too but I was like I really kind of leaned into it and I was like wow you just got so much more attractive to me that you liked nickelback nice and so just like a little little comments like that that

Because it genuinely was.

It was funny to hear her say that, but also I was like, okay, this is a girl that

is not afraid to

say what she's interested in.

And so it just, it stuck out to me.

And I was able to

sort of, when I noticed something that was attractive to me, I was like, I pointed it out and actually said it out loud.

Nice.

And

you can just feel the momentum building.

Because you're, you're, and, and, you know, another girl, like went out with a nurse one time and, and,

and, like, we were talking about something, and she was talking about her nursing job and I was just I was thinking about it and I was I just kind of stopped I was like sorry I was I was just thinking about you probably look really cute in in scrubs

nice

and I remember this I remember you telling me about her yeah yeah and and it was just like

um

and I'm not being you know I'm not being this, you know, sex-hungry dude, but it was just kind of these little comments that I was like, I think I was speaking authentically.

Right.

It was doing it in sort of a funny, funny joking manner.

And,

you know, we went back to talking about other things.

And,

but it was just little, little moments, little comments that

showed that I was interested and showed that I thought she was attractive.

I found those to be things that my previous lower self

would say, oh, what if she doesn't like that?

And

my higher self was,

let those things fly.

Let the chips fly.

Absolutely.

Let them fly.

Let the chips fall.

And if she doesn't like you complimenting her musical taste, I mean, okay, fine, but she's probably not the right woman for you.

It comes down to moving toward what you want.

Creating a real clear goal, that hero's journey.

Here's what I want.

I want a bubbly, amazing girlfriend.

On the path to finding her, Jake the Creator wants to have fun, sexy, good dates that are enjoyable.

And we want to move toward what we want instead of be overly worried about avoiding what we don't want.

It's about being kind of proactive toward

asserting, moving toward what your goal is rather than trying to avoid a negative.

And so what I love about that story with the nurse is you just let it fly.

You let her know that you thought thought she was cute or sexy or attractive because she was a nurse or that part of her was attractive to you.

And the Nickelback compliment is a great example of what I call positive spike, which is no way, you like this band?

I like them too.

That's so cool.

I love that you're into them.

And that helps create a sense of,

it's genuine too, in your case.

Now, if I was on the date with a woman like that, I would tease the shit out of her for liking Nickelback.

I would say, hey, you know why they're called nickelback, right?

It's because everybody wants a refund and get their nickel back when the show's over.

It sucks so bad.

But that would be authentic to me because I'm a ball buster.

I'm a natural-born smartass.

You might not have my smart ass sense of humor, which is fine.

You and I are very, not very different, but we're different people.

So I love that you're being really, you were really into that, really leaning into being that authentic self.

Can't let you go here.

And we'll get to you and your girlfriend in a second, but I got to talk about your trip to New York.

You made a pilgrimage.

Part of what I do with my clients is anybody who wants to come to New York who work to work with me, we go out for a weekend and I'm your wingman, literally, side by side, shoulder to shoulder for two, three in-person sessions.

You, me, a couple clients come by and hang out.

And you had a pretty...

pretty incredible New York City experience.

Let's talk about, again, you don't need to name names or identify any people, but you had a pretty fun date.

The night before you and I even met in person, you met a woman out on the town in New York City.

Can you tell that story?

Because that's such a great story about what's possible when a guy goes out there and meets people.

Yeah, for sure.

So, I mean, I think it was the first time I'd been to New York City, so it really helped.

I just

got into this

vibe of I'm here for a few days.

I'm just gonna

lay it all on the table and have try to have as much fun as I can and

and so

it was

yeah it was it was a great way to get out of the normal routine the normal normal city and then yeah just the first night I I got there the night before and was able to just go out get some dinner and chatted to a couple different people but sat down at the bar another another girl came up and sat beside me, just started chatting, sort of

started

joking around.

And

I actually, like, she asked me why I was there.

And so you're seated up at a you're sitting up at a bar at a restaurant, right?

You're kind of adjacent to each other.

Yeah, yeah.

What'd she look like?

Paint a picture for our listener, if you would.

Yeah.

I mean, she was,

she was like Latina and

kind of clearly just grabbing a quick drink after work.

And so,

and yeah, we just started chatting and she, you know, she didn't

couldn't believe that I was, you know, first time in New York City.

And so we just started chatting and joking around.

And

so

I think it was a Thursday night.

And so,

like,

I was like, hey, I'm out to see the city.

Do you want to go hit a few spots and she's like yeah that sounds great so we we bounced around to several bars and

and she you know just had a fantastic time

it was fun

and you know was was a great sort of man-to-woman connection we had we had some great

some great inside jokes that we we uh came up with and um

yeah it was just it was a

it was a great great first night in in new york city yeah so you had gone by then this was before we actually went out and did our coaching together this was the night before so you were taking your own action which is fantastic and compare what you did compare you and that hostess from many many many months ago where you barely even talked to her you didn't want to ask her out you didn't want to be creepy quote unquote to just chatting with casually chatting with a really attractive, intriguing New York City woman next to you.

And you guys went out, you had an instant date.

You just went out, hit the town, and really put it off romantically that way.

So that's what Jake the Creator is capable of, right?

Being able to meet a woman, and all of a sudden, you're out in the town with her, which is incredible.

Yeah, totally.

It was, it was

just being able to get into that zone of I'm here to meet people and have fun.

And I think that just came across as

attractive and interesting.

And as opposed to her just going home and

having an early night, we stayed out late and went to a jazz bar and just went to all these different cool places.

It would have been so easy for you to say, oh, you know what?

I'm not going to talk to this woman.

I'm going to be with Conwell tomorrow.

I'll just keep it chill tonight and not even talk to her.

Or maybe to talk to her, but not lead it anywhere.

But you adopt, by then you had adopted this core philosophy that I shared with you, which is assert your ideal outcome with a woman until you and she get it in a win-win way that everybody loves, which you and she went out that night and had a great night, or until you get clear evidence that, hey, thanks, but no thanks.

not interested or you know i can't go out so you you were already moving toward playing to win basically You're playing to win.

And you had a great night with her.

Let's fast forward to our weekend together, in-person coaching.

So it's you and me, it's a couple other clients came by.

And basically, I'm your wingman for the weekend.

I'm having you go approach women.

I'm giving you feedback.

I'm watching.

I'm helping.

I'm approaching women and talking to them with you.

Think back to that weekend, if you would.

What moments stand out?

What was a highlight moment for you?

Any insights you had?

Anything you did or felt that weekend that made you feel like, wow, this really helped me?

Yeah, well, I feel like I need to tell a story about the one

most memorable moment, which was the,

you were, we were out at the club and you were, you were kind of giving instructions, which was great because I not super comfortable in the club environment.

So just having you to kind of just say, hey, try this, try this.

And so you told me about the hand of God move.

The hand of God.

Yes.

Q Q choir of angels.

Let me explain what the hand of God is, and I'll let you take it from there, okay?

So the hand of God, this is tough to teach on a podcast, but the hand of God is, it's a great way to approach a woman in a club, especially on the dance floor.

So we're on this dance floor.

The hand of God is you extend your hand out,

you tap a woman on the shoulder, you extend your hand out,

and you do it in an over-the-top, absurdly, almost narcissistically confident way.

Visualize

the, was it Michelangelo's

Renaissance painting in the Vatican, God reaching out to Adam.

You're reaching your hand out to a woman as if to say, I shall give you the pleasure of dancing with me.

And there's no verbal.

It's a completely silent dance floor approach.

Hand out, and you assume she's going to take your hand.

It's called the hand of God because that's such an absurd, silly thing to call it that.

So, anyway, that's how you can approach a woman on a dance floor without any words.

You just put your hand out as if you are reaching down from the heavens to grant her a moment with a godlike person in you.

That's the hand of God.

I'll let you go to the story of this probably Friday night with me and

my other client, Aaron, was with us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You, you just told me, hey, try this.

And I was like, all right, let's do it.

So was kind of walking across the dance floor and saw this tall, blonde, looked like a, you know, Russian model type

type lady.

And

so

just went with the most, I think I did like a hand twirl.

Right.

And just, and just literally the whole group of people around were kind of just like looking at me.

And

hold on, let me jump in real quick.

I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to

be steer, like be bossy here.

But as I recall,

you tapped her on the shoulder.

She turned.

You extended your hand, the hand of God.

And at first she said no.

Yeah.

Right.

Or she said no, thanks.

But then all these people, didn't her social group kind of like

a couple of the girls and the dudes were like, no, you gotta, like, you gotta dance with this guy you kept your hand out you like insisted politely oh it was it was a good like it felt like minutes but it was probably

three or four seconds but okay before she finally gave in to uh

and it was it was kind of like the uh the dog that catches the the bust

didn't know what to do after that like kind of danced for a little bit i think it like tried to kiss her and i remember butts were being squeezed i remember it looked like dirty dancing You were both into it.

I remember Aaron and I were just cracking up.

Aaron's my other client who was with us.

And we were watching you like, oh my God, they look like they're grinding on the dance floor.

20 seconds earlier, she was saying, oh, no, I can't.

But you were insistent, but you were persistent, but it was playful, right?

Yeah, yeah.

And it, it, it,

I didn't at that time really know how to transition to, oh, let's have a conversation.

Let's have fun on the dance floor.

But it was definitely a memorable moment, which kind of was

maybe one of the peaks of my confidence.

Amazing.

Yeah.

And that's what we want to have, these experiences of

clear new evidence that you are very attractive to lots of women.

Because that lower self can stick around and say, you're a creepy loser.

you're inadequate if we don't give it counter evidence.

So when you go on three, four, or five dates a week, when you make out with a cute girl,

you know, who you're dancing, salsa dancing with, when you do the hand of God,

all of a sudden you're grinding on the dance floor with a random gorgeous woman.

All of a sudden, that lower self realizes that it's full of shit.

and that you really are Jake the Creator.

And that's our brain need that evidence and that proof of success.

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All right, let's talk about the big, the big win here for you.

So you have a wonderful girlfriend named Allie.

I've seen photos of you.

She's adorable.

She's a really cute brunette, I think.

And tell me a little bit about you and Allie.

And specifically, I'm curious about

any moments that you had early on with her, whether it was an early date or interaction with her where you realized, oh, wow, I know what to do here.

She's really into me.

Or

you share any wins that you experience along the way with lovely Allie?

Yeah, so

there was, I think I should start like at the very beginning, and we matched on Hinge, I think it was.

And

it took a couple tries to get the conversation going.

And

I thought that she had lost interest.

I thought she had moved on because she didn't reply to a couple of my messages.

But I sent one more message joking about how she was sick and

she must not have made it.

And it was this flirty, kind of playful way.

And she just immediately replied and was like, oh, sorry, I was busy.

And so took that to the took it.

I was like, all right, let's text off the app.

Let's, you know, maybe we can go on our first date, walk through the Walgreens aisle to get some

cold medication.

Wow.

Hey, big spender.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So just like fun, flirty.

Nice.

And then set up the first date.

And

I think it was, it was the,

I'd had a couple of moments, but it was, it was one of these moments where I was instantly attracted to her.

I was like, man, this girl is just gorgeous.

And

then it was one of the first moments where

I started talking about things that I was interested in, nerdy things like AI and tech and,

you know, space and rockets and these kind of nerdy stuff.

And I could just see her getting so

attracted to me.

It was like, I can't, and she's still to this day, just,

I'll start talking about these things.

And she's like, man, this is so hot.

And so I'm like, this is, I did not believe this girl existed before.

and so sorry i'm getting ahead of myself but you're good you're good essentially just um

yeah really

at that point i'd been on this was towards the end of um this was several months after we had you know stopped working together or finished our the program and and just at this point i'd finally gotten this what I'd been talking about, which was this sort of comfort of, okay, I see what's happening.

She's into me.

I'm into her.

Now it's just my job to kind of lead the interaction.

So we kind of bounced around.

We went to this,

it was kind of this sports bar or this bar that had like games.

It had like

this, it was kind of this outdoor.

It was during the summer.

They had, you know, they had ping pong, billiards, darts, all this kind of thing.

So we got to just kind of

walk around and and it was it was extremely flirty just right from the get-go and one of the things that I really liked is uh is girls that are bubbly and and just very responsive

which which she was which

just made it it made it easy for me yeah and so just I think we were

we were just all over each other

really just within 30 minutes of the date.

So it was one of these oh wow this is one of those one of those great connections.

And so was able to went to a

had a had a couple different things planned.

So we went to a couple different bars in the area,

but great date.

And so,

yeah, we

set up several dates, continuing to

go out.

Do you feel I'm going to ask you the most loaded question in the world?

Were you genuine and authentic?

And was it just natural on that date with her?

Or did you use toxic, planned, pickup moves?

No,

I was totally,

I felt, I mean, I think at that point, I, you know, I figured out how to sort of joke and tease and,

but doing it, do it in an authentic way.

Yeah.

And

it was, I think it was the first, or it was one of those moments where, okay, there's, there are girls, there are attractive girls out there that are into me specifically, my

quirky type of person that I am.

So,

um, and it just, it, it takes a little bit of going through the numbers to find them.

Sure.

Um,

and so,

but yeah, no, I just, I felt like I was,

I felt like I was being

the creator.

I was, I was, i was making jokes telling stories um

and just felt super confident having this hot girl just be super into me um

and so what was your first kiss like or how did that happen

um

we were so we had walked away from the bar to one of these uh like shuffleboard games um where you throw the little things and try to land and you know she was uh

like we were just joking oh you're like oh we we were just joking about you know being good or bad and that was that was a bad throw and but um

we were and and you have to walk back and forth so we were kind of flirting with each other as we were walking to either side of the the shuffle board and um and yeah

Like we were almost kind of forgetting the game.

We were just so into each other.

So it was a pretty seamless just sort sort of put my arm around her and

first kiss right there in the middle of the bar, tons of people, but it was just like nobody else was there.

So just felt like the thing to do.

Yeah, yeah.

And then multiple times throughout the night, it was just felt very, felt very natural.

Having her,

having her be super interested in me made it, made it easy.

Like, didn't have to, didn't feel like I had to force it.

I felt like I had to, I definitely had to initiate it um

okay i think i think that was a big thing that i had struggled with but at this time i was able to okay she she's clearly into me let's let's kiss right i remember you learning that lesson from a previous woman who you had not initiated it with

and i i forget the specifics but basically you had to be reminded a couple times through through trial and error, unfortunately, error, with previous situations.

Oh, I didn't lead it.

I didn't escalate it.

I didn't lead that dance.

And then that woman lost interest, whoever she was.

Obviously, you learn that lesson with Ali and that you led it naturally, authentically and naturally, but you still made the decision to lead the dance, right?

Yeah.

I think of dating as a dance.

And generally, men and women, the masculine male essence leads the dance and the woman follows, says yes or no.

And obviously she said yes to your lead, but you had to learn that, of course.

And

what a wonderful benefit.

I'm going to read a text you sent me a couple weeks back.

You said, um,

great cute picture that you sent me of you and Allie.

You guys are waving and giggling and smiling.

And you wrote me, and she is infatuated with the authentic me.

Is that what were you referring to the fact that you can talk about stuff like AI and nerdy, quote-unquote, nerdy stuff and creed and she's a do it?

Is that what you mean?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

I mean,

and like, I think

one of the things that I like about her,

she's extremely engaged and she wants to hear about what I'm interested in.

And

so it's super enjoyable to be able to talk about those things and have her be excited about it.

So, and

yeah, it's it's awesome.

It's it makes it makes it really fun.

And you also sent me another text message.

You actually sent me a screenshot of what Allie had written you.

And

I'm quoting a little bit from Allie messaging you about an upcoming little sleepover you two were planning.

She wrote you, that sleeping bag looks amazing.

all capped.

I'm so excited to experience this with you.

I completely agree that we both will have to be naked in that sleeping bag.

And I might need you to warm me up in some other ways.

I'll keep it PG for now.

But anyway,

you are clearly with a wonderful young woman who is super into you.

I'm so, I'm so

proud of you, for lack of a better term.

I'm happy for you.

I'm not surprised, but I'm super impressed.

How does it feel to have

this young woman in your life, this first girlfriend in almost 10 years?

How does it feel?

Fire away.

Yeah,

a lot of times I'm like, is this,

I sometimes try to think about like, it's hard to imagine, you know, going 10 years

without a girlfriend.

So it's, it's, uh, it's awesome.

It's fun.

I only went 30 years without it.

So, hey, no,

No judgment here.

Go ahead.

I mean,

I mean, it was one.

Dating for me has always been one of those

felt like it was the wall I could never get over.

And

so

it's really been

awesome to

feel like I've made a big leap forward in

being able to get a girlfriend.

And

yeah, it's it's one of the one of the most just enjoyable enjoyable things that have that I've done.

So I've been

really

really thankful for being able to

do this this year and work with you.

And I think like just

the

ability to have somebody to like focus on it with me.

Like I've tried multiple years to do this, but being able to have somebody that I think you

understood how

my, like, you understood my problems.

Like there's, there's certain different types of problems that I think people have, and you understood my problems and were able to kind of coach me through how to, how to get through that.

So

it's, it's been a huge, huge confidence boost,

a lot of fun.

So

well, let's end with,

thank you.

No, thank you so much.

That means so much

to hear that from you.

I love you.

I love you.

Sorry, I'm a guy.

I love you.

That's better to say.

I love you.

I don't love Nickelback or Creed, but I love my man Jake.

And I remember when you and I first spoke, you said, Connel, I have this really cool house that I've worked hard on.

And it's like, you know, you've done some work around the house.

And you said, and I don't have anybody to share it with.

I want to fill this house with

love and romance.

And it sounds like you've been able to do that.

And we're talking right now in the middle of the holidays.

So I'm so, so proud of you and happy for you.

Let's end with one final tip because the guy listening to this probably won't work with me.

And that's okay.

This podcast is basically a kind of an audio dating coach.

So for the guy listening to this, if you had to give him one tip, one thing you want him to start doing,

or a tip I gave you that helped, or a philosophy to adopt, no wrong answer.

I'll give you a quick, while you think about something, I'll share mine for this episode, which is

ask yourself every single day, what do I want?

What kind of woman do I want to be with?

What kind of girlfriend do I want?

What kind of person would really make my life feel even more meaningful and connected, meaningful and connected?

And then take one authentic but scary action every day.

Just one, you know, asking out your your crush or approaching a woman or just saying hello to an attractive woman you see at a coffee shop.

If you do one scary, uncomfortable thing every single day that is taking a step toward getting you the kind of girlfriend you want, you might be surprised how quickly

or how fast or at least how effectively you can move toward that relationship.

So my tip here for the end of the episode is take one courageous, authentic action every day and be moving toward a goal and an outcome of finding that wonderful girl woman to share your life with.

That's my little parting tip.

What about you?

Final tip, game-changing tip you would like our listener to take away from your chat with me today?

Yeah, I mean,

I think the tip that I would have liked to hear is

just that

being

like

be open to the idea that what you want in a girl and what you want in a relationship is possible.

That it's it's not like you're unworthy of it.

It's not like you're incapable of attracting a girl.

But it it does take

some mindset work.

It takes some some mechanics being being a little clunky, having those awkward moments that you just gotta like laugh at.

But it is definitely possible

for you.

And I think being able to

just go through that process, I mean, I would say it

took a good six, seven months of a lot of focused effort.

A couple little relationships and

failed dates, but got to that point where I understood who I was, what I wanted,

and

came out better on the other end.

So happy I went through

that experience.

And it was, you know, it was a work.

It was, it was kind of difficult at times, but it was

extremely worth it.

So

I remember a lot of times I would get, well, I think one of the things that kept me held back from having dating success before was just because I would get maybe a little demotivated or

you know lack of confidence that I could do it and get distracted on other things but it was it was worth it to to kind of focus on it for for a time period and and have have that success

the taste of success so amazing definitely worth it well creepy loser is dead no more loneliness no more feelings of inadequacy, no more getting too stuck in your head about dating.

Instead, you have become Jake the creator and you created a wonderful relationship.

And I'm so proud of you.

Thank you so much for being here today.

Yeah.

Thank you for being the coach.

And

yeah,

and thank you for standing up and telling the world about Creed.

Finally, finally, people know how

they're making a comeback.

It's going to happen.

All right.

I'm going to listen to Creed later in your, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to play Creed, If there's a copyright thing, I'm not sure if that'll be in the audio, but I will listen to that outrage.

If copyright allows me, I will play Creed on our way out.

If it doesn't, it's not my fault.

I don't want it to pay them a penny.

Anyway, thank you so much, Jake.

And by the way, thank you for listening.

And remember, your dream girlfriend, she's out there, just like Jake's was.

And she already likes you, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic you.

So go out there and take courageous, authentic action.

Carpe datum.

Seize the date.

We'll see you next time.