Bummed About NO Good Matches on the Apps? These 15 Quick Fixes Will Turn Your Profile into a Match Magnet (Live Coaching with Zach)

Speaker 1 a little bit of a limiting belief that a lot of men think, oh man, I have a kid, I have baggage, women aren't going to like that. Well, it's, you know, it's not hurting Nick Cannon.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett.
I am here to help you learn to flirt, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend.

Speaker 1 And do it with authenticity and integrity in class. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed.
No toxic nonsense.

Speaker 1 Merry Christmas and happy holidays. This episode is dropping on Christmas Eve.
And there's a really good chance you're listening to this during the holiday season.

Speaker 1 And the holidays are a tough time for a lot of people. Maybe they're a tough time for you.
If you're anything like I was back when I was struggling with my dating life,

Speaker 1 you get lonely at times. And it was hardest for me during the holidays.
I remember, so I'm the youngest of six. I grew up in a big Irish Catholic family in Ohio.
I'm the baby of six kids.

Speaker 1 I was the miracle baby. And I remember one Christmas when we were taking photos, all the six kids were taking photos.
And there was a group photo that.

Speaker 1 All five of my siblings was in the photo with their partner, their either their boyfriend, girlfriend, or their husband and wife. And I didn't have anybody.

Speaker 1 And I remember I picked up the family dog, fuzzy little white dog named Shamrock. And just as a half joke, I picked up Shamrock while all my siblings had their partners in this photo.

Speaker 1 And my big brother Devin cracked a joke. He said, hey, look, Connell's got his girlfriend with him.

Speaker 1 And I laughed and everybody laughed, but

Speaker 1 I was actually feeling really lonely and sad. And I remember thinking, oh man, why do I have to spend Christmas with my dog and not have somebody to be with?

Speaker 1 So anyway, if you are a guy who is feeling lonely right now this time of year, I know how it feels. I remember how it feels.

Speaker 1 I remember having some pretty lonely, hopeless times, or at least they felt hopeless at the time. And the good news is, I'm here for you.

Speaker 1 This podcast is here for you. Think of me as your wingman, your digital audio podcast wingman.

Speaker 1 I'm here to help you make sure that if you are alone this year in 2024, let's make this the last year you are alone in terms of a romantic partner.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you're not alone in life, but if you're alone in terms of relationship, in terms of not having a girlfriend, let's make this the last lonely Christmas. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll do everything I can to help make sure that next year you absolutely will have an incredible girlfriend to share the holidays with. So if you're having a tough Christmas, know that this will pass.

Speaker 1 If I could go from holding a dog as my Christmas date to having the world's greatest girlfriend and having a lot of dating success, and hell, I didn't just become a guy who could get a girlfriend.

Speaker 1 I became a dating coach. So if I can do this, anybody can, including you.
Anyway, let's get to today's episode. It's another coaching session with my client, Zach.
Zach's a brand new client.

Speaker 1 This is our very first official coaching call, and you're going to love it because we're going to go deep on all kinds of different online dating struggles that you probably have, especially a lack of matches and a lack of dates.

Speaker 1 We got 15 plus really good tips to help you get more matches, more dates, and have some really good dating success on the apps so you can get a great girlfriend in 2025. Enjoy the episode.

Speaker 1 All right, Zach, what's on your mind tonight, man? How can I help you? All right, Mr. Connell.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I think the big thing that has been on my mind, and I've kind of been going back and forth on a little bit and struggling with, is

Speaker 1 I think part of it is, is what I'm looking for realistic? And I'll kind of outline that in a second. And then how do I go about trying to find that, right?

Speaker 1 So you and I have talked about this, obviously, a bunch, which is, you know, I'm... I separated from my wife about a year ago.

Speaker 1 And, you know, we will be getting divorced in the early part of this year. Thankfully, super amicable, no drama, probably one of the nicest divorces of all time.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I'm in a situation where

Speaker 1 I want,

Speaker 1 maybe I don't even know what I want, which is probably one of the problems too. But

Speaker 1 I want to go out. I want to date, but I am very limited in my time.
My son spends every Saturday with me. You know, I'm with my family until about 8.15, 8.30, Sunday night through Thursday night.

Speaker 1 Friday night is really the only night I can get out. So I don't have a lot of time.
So I think one of the things I'm struggling with is how do I

Speaker 1 and I also want to be upfront with any woman that I'm dating. I'm not in this to play games.
I'm not

Speaker 1 for multiple reasons. I just want to be very straightforward about my situation.

Speaker 1 So like, how do I go about finding, and I think I'm, and again, if I'm struggling to construct a good question, it's because I have multiple

Speaker 1 parts of this question. But it's, how do I do this

Speaker 1 with so limited time?

Speaker 1 How do I find a woman who's going to be accepting of the limited time that I have?

Speaker 1 And are there women out there who would be happy to find a guy where, you know, maybe we're talking on the phone a couple of times a week, the main time we're going out is Friday,

Speaker 1 but I'm not going to be both physically and emotionally available, at least not right now,

Speaker 1 because my son is my priority. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah. So you're talking about how do you find the time to date women or how do you find the time to be looking to date women, like swiping and going out to meet women? Watching?

Speaker 1 I think the looking is that I've got down. I just kind of set aside 15 to 20 minutes.

Speaker 1 It's minimum 10 to 15 minutes every night, right? Like I'm just like, I got to set the habit, got to set the pattern. And I guess that's another question for you.

Speaker 1 Do you think that that is a good approach? Where it's,

Speaker 1 you know, Every night, it's almost like you guys got to go do your workout.

Speaker 1 Like there's the 15 minutes, you got to do it, no matter what's going on, and you just put in the time, you make it a consistent pattern. You think that's a good idea? Absolutely.

Speaker 1 I like to think of swiping three, four, or five days a week as going to the gym for a half hour.

Speaker 1 Except instead of wiping off sweaty leg extension seats and bench press posts, you're swiping on the apps. But the good news is you can do that in your pajamas.
100%.

Speaker 1 And I can attest to it because I've done it many times.

Speaker 1 You're doing this interview in your pajamas, I assume. I am in my pajamas right now.
It is very true. Knowing you.
I'm not.

Speaker 1 So then second, so the second question then is, what do you do or what is the advice that you give your guys who are very pressed for time when it comes to dating?

Speaker 1 How do you date with limited time to actually date? Well, I would focus on quality over quantity. Okay.
Which means you well, you're already doing the right things. You have new and improved photos.

Speaker 1 We looked at your online dating.

Speaker 1 I know you worked with my girl Rianne who takes all photos for my guys in New York City who want new and improved photos.

Speaker 1 And once you're getting some good traction on Hinge or whatever dating app you're on, in your case, it's Hinge, then the app will be doing a lot of the work for you.

Speaker 1 You know, your dating profile is a piece of marketing

Speaker 1 and it's out there 24-7.

Speaker 1 So with reasonably good profile and photos, you'll hopefully be getting some good traction, some good matches on a regular basis, and very invested matches.

Speaker 1 So, I guess my answer to your question is, how do you get maximum dating value with little time?

Speaker 1 Is you have a pro, at least with online dating, you have a profile that gets women very excited about you

Speaker 1 and makes it easier to get them out on dates with you. So, you don't have to spend hours and hours texting forever and ever, texting longer than a Shakespearean soliloquy.
That takes forever.

Speaker 1 But if women get really into you, if they're like, oh my god, this guy's Zach, handsome, fit, he's got that Jason Statham thing going, funny, prompt, haha, giggle, giggle. I'll match with him.

Speaker 1 And then you won't have to work as hard to get the date with her. And you could be more efficient.
And that's basically how to do it online: make your profile so damn good.

Speaker 1 You get some really good leads who are excited about you.

Speaker 1 And then you date them with minimal texting and more efficiency.

Speaker 1 Can we dive? That's fantastic. Thank you.
Can we dive into that a little bit more in terms of

Speaker 1 what makes a profile attractive enough to a woman where they are really like into you? And you know my profile, so you can dive in into mine as well.

Speaker 1 And I guess a caveat with this too is: I think one of the things that I'm,

Speaker 1 I don't know, maybe the word is afraid of is like, because I have my son, and like, I

Speaker 1 am I even going to be attractive to women as someone who who is, you know, getting out of a relationship, has a son? You know, I think that's kind of like an insecurity and almost like a fear of mine.

Speaker 1 Are you going to be attractive to women as a single dad? Is what you're asking? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I dated a woman many years ago named Lauren. And I remember one Sunday afternoon, I said, hey, what are you up to today?

Speaker 1 She said, oh, me and the girls, we're going to go to the park and check out the Dilfs.

Speaker 1 And Lauren was my wow girl times 10 at the time. So absolutely, there are lots of women who are looking to date

Speaker 1 Dilphs, frankly, or looking to date men. And if you have a kid, it might be no big deal to her.
She might actually like it. My view is being a parent is the most important job on the planet.

Speaker 1 What's more important than being a dad? And women like a guy with a great job. And you have two.
You're a trainer and you're a dad. So

Speaker 1 it's a little bit of a limiting belief that a lot of men think, oh, man, I have a kid. I have baggage.
Women aren't going to like that.

Speaker 1 Well, it's, you know, it's not hurting Nick Cannon.

Speaker 1 He's got 17 kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Yeah.
His cannon needs to be

Speaker 1 put some, put a cover on that thing. But anyway, bottom line is, look, there's going to be women who aren't looking to date a single dad.
There's going to be plenty of women who are.

Speaker 1 And there's going to be women who are maybe kind of in that neutral zone. And then they see charming, fit, funny, Zach.
And they're like, all right, I'll give this single dad a shot.

Speaker 1 So yeah, we're obviously marketing toward women who are looking to date your kind of guy.

Speaker 1 So I think your point about limiting belief is that's the right term because I think that that's something that has been on my mind a lot as I've started going into this process.

Speaker 1 And I think the last, one of the last questions I'll ask about this,

Speaker 1 about the being a father and the kid component. And then I want to go back to your point that you're making about how do you make a really, really attractive profile.
But in terms of having a kid,

Speaker 1 my sense has been it makes more sense to be upfront about this in my profile. Do you agree with that? Do you disagree with that? Because again, it's very important to me, both for my own

Speaker 1 time and for any woman I'm dating. I want to be very upfront about my situation in the beginning.

Speaker 1 So would you advise making a point where it's like one of these, maybe it's on like a on Hinge where it's one of these prompts where it says, one thing you should know about me. Like

Speaker 1 son, he's my absolute guy. I love him to death and I spend a ton of time with him.
Something like that. I would say don't tell her you have a kid until your third anniversary.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Give you time to get used to it.

Speaker 1 Maybe fifth anniversary? Should I just like

Speaker 1 posit this away? By the time of his bar mitzvah, that's when she can learn the truth. Okay.
All right. I'll make that a note.

Speaker 1 To quote one of my old coaches back in the day, he used to say, Well, you can't fix, you feature.

Speaker 1 Not that having a kid is something you need to fix, but the idea is: hey, if you have something that might, some might see it as a flaw, treat it as a feature. How do we do that? All right.

Speaker 1 Put it on your profile and do it in a way that might be a little bit fun or playful. So, for example, you might come up with a prompt that says something like,

Speaker 1 what is it? Say it again? again anybody want to borrow my kid

Speaker 1 here here to find my soulmate or maybe a babysitter right uh

Speaker 1 um that's not actually that's not half bad but basically look you just really the the point of a profile is to show off your personality and to show a glimpse of who you are and obviously being a dad is part of who you are and there's a way to do that in a way that expresses your authentic self your funny so you, you know, I know we talked about this before, but you could write a funny prompt.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 I hope you're looking for a dilf.

Speaker 1 And we come up with a funny way to spell out dilf. You know, I'm a dilf.

Speaker 1 Dad who's irresistible, loving, and, you know, forever true or something like that. So you can let women know that you're a dad.
but you can do it in a way that makes her laugh. Now that

Speaker 1 might actually make her say to herself, well, I'm not looking to date a single dad, but wow, this guy is funny and I'm open to it. But that's my answer, my long answer.

Speaker 1 My short answer is I would definitely put something on your profile because you want to think of your profile like I'm marketing to my ideal type of woman.

Speaker 1 And it's, you want to be able to weed out women who aren't definitely not looking to date a dad. And that's fine that there's plenty of those.
And that will weed them out.

Speaker 1 It'll save you, it'll make it more efficient for you. You're all about being efficient with your time, right? Yeah, totally.
Yeah. I think that's a really good point.

Speaker 1 Because I do think I need to be efficient about this for sure.

Speaker 1 Totally. Totally.
So I absolutely believe in

Speaker 1 making your profile, gearing it toward your exact type or somebody who fits that bill. And sure, that's going to weed out plenty of women, but also it's going to attract the right kind of women.

Speaker 1 And you living here in New York City, you live in the largest city in America. So you're not going to run out of options.
So I would definitely lean into mentioning that you're a father.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 then we just test it.

Speaker 1 We could also try one where we don't mention that on your profile, but you

Speaker 1 say it very upfront, quickly, if and when you start messaging with a woman. Kind of put that out there.
There's different ways to approach it. As long as you tell the truth early,

Speaker 1 that's the important thing. Okay, cool.
All right, cool.

Speaker 1 So, question for you.

Speaker 1 You said something I thought was really interesting for the first time ever. The only interesting I remember is

Speaker 1 over about a couple of years. I never liked you, Zach.
I never thought of it. No, honestly, man,

Speaker 1 I'm going to just bomb the rest of the time, and you're just going to have to edit this whole thing.

Speaker 1 You talk about building just an irresistible profile.

Speaker 1 Can we dive into that a little bit more? Are there certain

Speaker 1 tips or guidance that you would use

Speaker 1 to help somebody, somebody being me in this case, obviously,

Speaker 1 just build like a just a rockin' profile that is really attractive.

Speaker 1 And I can outline the type of woman I'm looking for if you want to help kind of answer this question, but to my target woman or to anybody's target woman. You know what I mean? Sure, absolutely.

Speaker 1 Well, it starts with the photos. Okay.
And

Speaker 1 you want to hit them with a one, two, three punch. Those first three photos.
Where you want me to punch one of these women? I want you to physically punch them

Speaker 1 because that's what alpha males do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, baby. Red pill.

Speaker 1 You're a fantastic coach.

Speaker 1 I call it the one, two, three punch because essentially, here's how a woman is looking at your profile. She's going to look at that first photo.
That's going to capture her attention as she's swiping.

Speaker 1 And that first photo, we want to be a really good portrait. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where you're well dressed, you're looking at the camera, you're smiling an authentic, real smile, and that's going to be enough to capture her attention.

Speaker 1 She's probably not going to swipe right though. She's going to go to that second photo.

Speaker 1 We want the second photo, punch number two, so to speak, to be another portrait, but one that has a different vibe than the first one.

Speaker 1 So if that first photo is you in a jacket and tie looking all dapper and styling, GQ Zach, then the second photo might be jeans, t-shirt, on the beach, throwing a frisbee, doing something out in the world, but another portrait because portraits are going to magnetize the most attention from women.

Speaker 1 And then she's probably still not going to swipe right yet, but now you've got her attention. And we want that third photo to be something very different than the first two.

Speaker 1 What to break that pattern? She's seen two back-to-back portraits, but different vibes of you. And that third photo, we have lots of good options.

Speaker 1 We could do what I call an aw photo, as in, aw, that's so cute. That's adorable.
Look, it's Zach at the zoo with the monkey.

Speaker 1 It's dancing. Oh, I had a great little short video on my bumble profile a couple years ago.
It was me dancing at my niece's wedding with a little old lady who literally

Speaker 1 tried to grab my butt.

Speaker 1 You gotta get it if you didn't get it, right?

Speaker 1 It's hard to find a butt for me.

Speaker 1 I don't have one, but

Speaker 1 she was looking. So the third photo, it could be a heart-tugging photo, showing some heart,

Speaker 1 showing some

Speaker 1 real,

Speaker 1 yeah, I guess heart is a good word for it.

Speaker 1 And then that really draws them in. So it was first three photos.
If you can get her really sucked in, hooked in those first three photos, then she's going to go down to your profile.

Speaker 1 And that's where we kind of close the right swipe deal. So is it fair to say that with each one of these photos, you're trying to hit a different emotional button as well?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that's a good way to put it. You're trying to throw different

Speaker 1 kinds of pasta on the wall to see what might stick.

Speaker 1 Are there certain emotional, and when I say buttons, I don't mean this in like a manipulative way. So maybe there's a better way to say it.
But is there like a...

Speaker 1 Certain emotions that you want to try to elicit from a woman when she comes to your profile? Are there certain things that you're trying to communicate?

Speaker 1 Whether I don't know what those things would be, but are there? Or is that getting too in the weeds and too specific? No, that's not too specific at all. I keep it simple.
I'm trying to make her laugh

Speaker 1 on my profile. Yeah.
On my profile and most of my clients' profiles.

Speaker 1 I want to make her laugh and giggle. Not just because women like funny guys, which of course they do, but for this reason.
Here's something women hate.

Speaker 1 They are so sick of dates that are boring, that are awkward, that are a waste of time. Not because she's not going to marry you or you're not the right fit.

Speaker 1 It's just an awkward conversation or dull. And she goes on dates where he talks about politics and taxes and the stock market for two hours or talks at her.

Speaker 1 So by making her laugh, Not only are you giving her that

Speaker 1 sort of emotional tickle, which they love, you're you're also sending a message that says oh okay well he you know maybe we're not gonna fall in love have 14 babies but it'll be fun we're gonna laugh we're gonna have a good time and that removes one of the biggest barriers that women throw up to matching with a guy or going on a date with a guy interesting i'm a big fan of making her laugh is there a way that you do that a certain way you try to i mean communicate that or do that on a profile.

Speaker 1 I'm assuming it has to just be authentic

Speaker 1 coming from you.

Speaker 1 To make her laugh? Yeah, there's certain things. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. So, can we dive into that a little bit more? Because that's something I've been trying to work out on my profile.

Speaker 1 I think it's been getting better.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know me, I'm a pretty light dude. I try to just keep it light and fun anyway.

Speaker 1 But it's definitely different

Speaker 1 trying to communicate that through a profile versus just doing that when you're just having a can you read your prompts to me right now? Because it's really all about the prompts. Sure, man.

Speaker 1 Let's do it.

Speaker 1 These are a work in progress. So

Speaker 1 for everybody who's listening don't judge me too hard um

Speaker 1 let's see so i'll show you my hinge one or i'll i'll read it

Speaker 1 oh this is a really random side question while i'm bringing this up um go ahead

Speaker 1 how often do you boost your profile

Speaker 1 how often do you recommend boosting your profile and and when would you do it Because it just came up on my hinge profile. I was like, oh yeah, maybe I should do that.
I'm a big fan of boosting

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 keep the good matches coming in

Speaker 1 because look the bottom line is if you pay for a boost and you have a quality profile you're going to get some likes some nibbles from from at least some quality options so some of my best matches came from a boost i believe if my memory serves i believe i met my now girlfriend jessamine because my profile was being boosted at that time on the dating app i was on wasn't it wasn't hinge it was the league but i might might not have a girlfriend, I might not have the girlfriend I have if it wasn't for a boost.

Speaker 1 So, how often you do it? I mean, it does cost money every time, obviously.

Speaker 1 So, you want to do it strategically, but do it, do it once or twice a week on a Sunday through a Wednesday in prime time between 7 and 10.

Speaker 1 Roughly 7 to 10 p.m. That's when a maximum number of women are going to be on their phones and looking to swipe for maybe a weekend date.
So, think Sunday through Wednesday, 7 to 10.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so that's prime time.

Speaker 1 And the nice thing about boosting is, again, if you have a good profile that gets you the matches, that also tells the algorithm on the dating app, this guy is getting some engagement.

Speaker 1 So we're going to show him to more attractive women. We're going to let him out there.

Speaker 1 So your level of engagement with people actually

Speaker 1 impacts how your profile shows up and gets shown.

Speaker 1 Yes, that does.

Speaker 1 Is that true for all for like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, or is that more true for one of them?

Speaker 1 Well, I don't work with any of those

Speaker 1 dating apps. I have worked with two dating apps in the past.

Speaker 1 I've worked with Highly, I've worked with The League, and according to those insiders, they said, oh, yeah, the more engaging a profile is, every profile on every dating app, as I understand it, has an internal score.

Speaker 1 Interesting point. An internal score that basically rates it on a scale of one to 10.
You know, Gal Gado, if she was single and on Hinge, guess what? She's a 10.

Speaker 1 Everybody, she's going to get pushed out to the best possible men according to the apps algorithm. So, similarly, we want to keep your profile the highest number possible.

Speaker 1 We do that with getting matches, having engagement, by responding to women, by just being active and engaged.

Speaker 1 And so, that does take some pretty consistent boosting, I've found, to get maximum results. But it really depends on how many good matches you're getting.

Speaker 1 Also, it's just, I just found that I like messaging women who like me first because I like the validation, maybe.

Speaker 1 I know it's a warm lead because I don't have to work as hard. So it's not a cold open.
So I just like to look at my matches on

Speaker 1 any dating platform and say,

Speaker 1 how many matches are you getting? And how many matches are some of your clients who are doing well getting? Or how many likes are they getting? Let's just say on like a day or a weekly basis.

Speaker 1 It's all over the map, man. It could be,

Speaker 1 I've had weeks, I've had days where I've gotten dozens of matches. I've had weeks where I've gotten hundreds.
Wow. I've had days and weeks when it got, it got much, much lower than that.

Speaker 1 And it's part of it's an algorithmic thing. It's like a little bit of a mystery.

Speaker 1 But it's, I've always had really consistent results. I should.
I'm a dating coach.

Speaker 1 I've also tested the hell out of my profile and got it optimized where it's like, okay, this will always perform and always get me the kinds of matches for the kinds of women I would date date if I was single, I have a girlfriend.

Speaker 1 But I'm doing it as a coach for content and for testing. But to answer your question, I don't worry that much about how many matches.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking, in your case, I'd be thinking, how many matches, how many good leads will it take to get me however many dates per week I have time for? Yeah. For you, how many is that? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe one.

Speaker 1 I'll still try to find that out.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because I know how busy you are.
So maybe it's one a week or one

Speaker 1 two a month. Who knows? That's a better question that I have for later, which is how do you, like, how do you get someone from chatting to the actual date, right?

Speaker 1 And maybe I should ask this now and then we can go back to my profile. Because that's a big question I have.

Speaker 1 You want to get into that now or should I save that and should we just go over some of the prompts that I have? No, let's do it. Let's talk about going from...

Speaker 1 Let's go back to the prompts. Yeah.
So that, because that is part of the story of, oh, how you get women excited to date you.

Speaker 1 And then we can talk about how to go from the texting to the date or to the

Speaker 1 to each other's phone or to a date.

Speaker 1 Dude, I meant to say this, like, you know, and we talked about this a little bit, but I just want to thank you again.

Speaker 1 Like, you're, you're, I'm looking, I just looked up on my bookshelf and your book is sitting right there. Um, and

Speaker 1 I learned so much of this stuff. Like, you know, I have just started working together in a more official capacity, right?

Speaker 1 But I learned an absolute ton from your book that has helped me so much kind of get a jump on this stuff. And I think, too, just

Speaker 1 helped me so much in terms of the openers I've used. Because candidly, I'm not as cool as you.
There have not been nearly as many women liking me as you on these apps.

Speaker 1 I've had to do a lot of cold opening, and it's gone way better than I think it would have if it hadn't been for what I read in your book.

Speaker 1 And then, too, just kind of, there's been so much stuff in there that was so applicable for what I was doing. Like the few times I've gone out just approaching women.

Speaker 1 So I don't, I don't know if I've had an opportunity to really just thank you again for your book.

Speaker 1 Um, and just kind of I wanted to shout that out real quick because it's literally sitting on my bookshelf and it was absolutely fantastic. Um, that means the world to me.

Speaker 1 Let this be a shameless plug for anybody who's listening.

Speaker 1 If you have not bought Conno's book yet, go buy it and it will be how much, how much does it cost now? Like 20? Uh, it's now up to $12,000.

Speaker 1 $12,000 copy but it's really worth it it's really good yeah if you buy it it really will be worth the twelve thousand actually actually dear listener as as you might know anybody who listens to this podcast if you email me at connell at dating transformation.com and just say free book i will email you a free copy of it so it costs you nothing if you're listening yeah i mean seriously like if for anybody who's listening i really mean it just do it because it it has so like so many of the questions that we're going over now like i was able to get some some just some awesome first and second and even third step guidance from there so so really go do it

Speaker 1 my shaming's important for you brother

Speaker 1 thanks means a lot to me

Speaker 1 but um

Speaker 1 it was all a lie book sucks but um

Speaker 1 well it's it's three years old at this point and i'm like oh my god i've learned and innovated so much in just in three years since it came out so i can't wait for the next one which i'm working on but we'll talk about that on another episode so let's talk about your prompts what you got So, real quick, on Hinge, this is a side note.

Speaker 1 Are you required to have six photos up there? No.

Speaker 1 Okay. Got it.

Speaker 1 The more the better, assuming they're good, but six is their maximum. And then one other question I have for you is: how important do you think it is to get some video up there?

Speaker 1 Because I'll see like little video snippets of some of the women's profiles. Is that something that would dramatically improve the engagement of

Speaker 1 I'm not trying to be.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I know what you mean.
I know what you mean. I have a client, I will not name him, who sent me

Speaker 1 a three-second video from his garage. He's like, hey, what do you think of this, Connell? And he's in a garage.
It's dark. He's wearing like a sweatshirt and a dark hoodie.

Speaker 1 I'm just like, dude, you look like Dexter in his kill room.

Speaker 1 Why would anyone match with you? She's going to flag you as possibly a criminal.

Speaker 1 So if you want, we made it off the app real fast. If you're going to use the video option, make it something that has some emotion, some good emotion, something silly and light.

Speaker 1 My profile has a little three-second clip of

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 I'm playing with my friend's dog, and the dog is licking my face. And it's a video I took.
And I took a one-minute video of this.

Speaker 1 And I actually went on the video and I went, what is the most adorable five seconds from this video?

Speaker 1 And I found this little spot where the dog is licking my face and I'm, and I'm, I'm making a ew gross face, but also it's kind of sweet because, you know, I love dogs.

Speaker 1 And it's just one of those little interactive moments with a pet. It's an example of an awe photo, or in this case, an awe video.
So women are like, oh, look at Connell, jacket and tie. I like it.

Speaker 1 Second one. Second photo is me looking a bit more casual, but nice leather jacket, two different versions of me.
And

Speaker 1 the third slot on my hinge is a five-second video of the dog moment. And yeah,

Speaker 1 I want to press the button, so to speak, of making her just go, aw, he's got a heart. I like dogs too.
That's adorable. And so that's in my third slot.

Speaker 1 So yeah, definitely do a video as long as it's something that it could be you jumping into a pool and swimming. Doing a can oh I have a client who did a great cannonball video.
Nice. It's really fun.

Speaker 1 Just something that says fun or party or look, I'm on a fucking boat or whatever it is. It could say fun, high status.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 That can work wonders. But not something that makes me look like a serial kid.

Speaker 1 No, definitely. Do not.

Speaker 1 Probably, probably should move that over.

Speaker 1 Right. Do not.
Neither noted. I wrote that part down.
I will not do that. All right, cool.
All right. So

Speaker 1 10 minutes later. So here are my prompts, right? So the first one, and this is all on Hinge because I've been using Hinge most of the time right now.

Speaker 1 All right. So I put this up here.
So the one thing you should know about me is I have a seven-year-old son who is my number one person in the world and who I spend a ton of time with.

Speaker 1 And I put that up just because I wanted, again, I wanted to be upfront. And I just, I was feeling uncomfortable interacting with women who...

Speaker 1 without them knowing because I was like, I just don't want this to even come up and be an issue later.

Speaker 1 Second prompt was:

Speaker 1 I'll fall for you if you're kind, thoughtful, curious, and warm, but also whip smart, love to laugh, and have a ridiculously silly side running through your bones. That's number two.

Speaker 1 And number three, oh, you know, my ghost story is: what if I told you I saw a ghost while visiting my godparents and their kids the summer I was nine years old?

Speaker 1 I'm not a religious person, and I'm not a proponent of the metaphysical, but I can recall every detail of the event, every single one. dot, dot, dot.
Nice.

Speaker 1 And that's, that's already gotten you some traction, right? Yeah, that's surprisingly, that one got me a number, like, yeah, it's gotten me some traction. Love it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's, I'm not surprised because it's very, it's a pattern interrupt. Women aren't used to seeing that.
They're used to seeing, here I am, trying out Hinge. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or, I'm a big fan of the office.

Speaker 1 So is every person on the planet. So you want to break the pattern and show women some different, different, give them in something different.
They're nice to see.

Speaker 1 I feel like my second one kind of sucks. I don't think so.
I like the second one. I like the second one because it's talking directly to your type of woman.
I really like the phrase. What was it?

Speaker 1 Ridiculously.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you have a ridiculous silly side running through your bones.

Speaker 1 I actually like that one. I don't know if that one is going to be the one to get you.
want the woman to like that part of your profile, but that's okay.

Speaker 1 I like it because it's talking directly to the kind of woman you want to attract. And there's something subtly, like a cool little psych, almost like a psychological

Speaker 1 lever you're moving there.

Speaker 1 When you tell women who you're looking for, the kind of woman you want, you're subtly letting her know, I have standards.

Speaker 1 I'm looking for something specific here, as opposed to, please, why won't you match with me? Will somebody go on a date with me, please? Which can be how a lot of guys feel.

Speaker 1 I used to feel that way too. So, I actually like that one.
I like that one. All right, cool.

Speaker 1 I know this, I'm not trying to sound, I want to, how do I say this without sounding like arrogant or whatever, but I do want to project that there are some standards here because I think that is important.

Speaker 1 And I do have some standards

Speaker 1 in terms of,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 listen, how do I phrase this? Like, I am not Mr. Perfect by any means.
We can have a long list of

Speaker 1 my flaws, but I think I have a good sense of who I am at this point. And I've spent enough time around people.

Speaker 1 There has to be a certain caliber and quality. And I think it's important that I want to make sure I'm conveying that without coming across as a dick in my profile.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, I like that.

Speaker 1 I'm a big fan. I do this with my clients.
I have them come up with a list. What are the five essentials? deal breakers, things you must have in your future soulmate, partner, girlfriend, wife.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 As long as these, and we want things that aren't physical.

Speaker 1 And this is something you could do on a first date, but you can also do it on your profile, which is letting women know, here's what I'm looking for. Here's the high standard I have.

Speaker 1 And when we can convey that,

Speaker 1 there's something called the buyer-seller dynamic, which is we don't want to come off like we're selling ourselves to women.

Speaker 1 We want to come off like we are looking to buy quote unquote, but we're not going to buy the first TV we see in the store. We're going to look around for the right TV with the right

Speaker 1 HD components and sound and size and whatnot. So I like the idea of a prompt that says, hey, if you are X and Y and Z, we might get along.

Speaker 1 Not we should get married and you should meet my parents right away because that conveys overeagerness.

Speaker 1 I remember one of, I had a really good, I'm always surprised what, not always, but often surprised what can work and resonate. I remember I had a ton of matches once.
I wrote a prompt.

Speaker 1 This is on my bio, actually, but a lot of women mentioned it.

Speaker 1 It was,

Speaker 1 I love to read, I'm big into literature, and I like smart women, smart, literate women. Bonus points if you can spell definitely.

Speaker 1 One of my pet peeves is people who misspell Tom and words. And I had so many women write me, oh, hey, I can definitely spell definitely.
There's something about that.

Speaker 1 I just said, oh, finally, a guy who's talking to me, a smart, nerdy woman who can spell. And that just resonated.
So I'm not saying you should get rid of that one.

Speaker 1 I like the idea. Remember, your online dating profile is a piece of marketing.
And one of the ways we make marketing effective is talking to your audience. And there's nothing wrong with saying,

Speaker 1 here's my audience. This is you.
So can I ask you a more specific question then? Because you know me, right? And unfortunately. I know very unfortunate.

Speaker 1 It's been a long six months, man.

Speaker 1 Through that you just don't show up. Six months.
I thought it was

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 1 Whatever it's been, every day we have a session. It feels like 16 years.
Don't show up, please.

Speaker 1 Just please drop a weight on your face. That'd be awesome.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I think part of this,

Speaker 1 how do I, what was my question?

Speaker 1 You fucking distracted me.

Speaker 1 I do that. Yeah.
With,

Speaker 1 how do I phrase this? Do you have like suggestions on a prompt that I could write that is more specific? Because I think the women that I, I really do

Speaker 1 want to go out with a woman who is genuinely really smart, really well put together, confident,

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 self-assured, independent, but also

Speaker 1 I'm not, I do want to go out with somebody who is also warm, empathetic, kind. And I want them to understand that that's what they're getting from me as well, right?

Speaker 1 This is not the 20-year-old version of me who is a flaming dumbass. This is a 40-year-old,

Speaker 1 mature, wise, experienced person who has, you know, really focused on how do I become a better guy? How do I become a better friend? How do I become a better partner to whoever I'm with?

Speaker 1 How do I show up every single day

Speaker 1 the right way?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 how do I take the serious stuff seriously? But also, how do I not sweat the small stuff and just have a fucking awesome time with all of the stuff that's not serious? And I want to make sure that

Speaker 1 I'm conveying that to women who are looking at my profile, which is that is what I'm looking for. Kind of, that is what my expectation is.

Speaker 1 So is there some like specific language you would use? Is there other ways that you would do it? Like, what do you think? Yeah, so I'm going to pretend that you are chat GPT, okay? GPT.

Speaker 1 Hey, uh, Zach, hey, Zach GPT.

Speaker 1 Say that all again in 30 seconds or less.

Speaker 1 This is going to be hard.

Speaker 1 What are you looking for?

Speaker 1 Say three things you're looking for. I'm looking for a smart, confident,

Speaker 1 independent woman who is also warm,

Speaker 1 kind,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 just,

Speaker 1 I guess, like ridiculous, has a fantastic sense of humor, super silly, just a goofball, bit of a whack job in the right ways.

Speaker 1 So here's what you just described, I think. You also just described yourself, didn't you? I hope so.
Hell yeah. So that's a beautiful prompt.

Speaker 1 Basically, I'm looking for smart, intelligent, driven, but also silly and goofy, and you've really evolved as a person. Dot, dot, dot, because that's what I am, or that's who I am.
Nice.

Speaker 1 Something like that, something very sincere. It doesn't come across as arrogant or kind of being an asshole.
No, not at all. It comes across as having standards.

Speaker 1 And it comes across as saying, I'm looking for somebody who is going to be

Speaker 1 like me,

Speaker 1 which is, which is to say, we're going to narcissist much?

Speaker 1 No, I don't think so. Look, narcissistic or

Speaker 1 trying too hard to impress would come off, like, I'm doing really well financially. I'm trying to find somebody who

Speaker 1 wants to go on my boat with me down in the Caribbean for the holidays. You know, that would be awful and gross and

Speaker 1 super transparent. But no way.
Having high stakeholders.

Speaker 1 Because that is actually like also

Speaker 1 being serious again that's actually good to know because i i i did not want to come across as arrogant or narcissistic um again i hope i am not um genuinely or else we have a bigger problem no

Speaker 1 but okay so that's not how that comes across zach you have a lot of problems arrogance is not one of them let me give you an alphabetical list of your problems a you're an asshole B, you're boring.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's nothing arrogant about you. If anything, I want your profile to make sure it has a little bit of edge, a little bit of cheekiness.

Speaker 1 There's nothing arrogant about you, but you're confident in yourself, which I love about you. I'm the same way.
We want some edge. We want a little bit of edge, a little bit of snark, perhaps.

Speaker 1 And that's a way to show women you believe in yourself. But describing those things that you're looking for because you are those things, that's just being honest.

Speaker 1 And it's also

Speaker 1 letting women say, oh my God, I see those things too.

Speaker 1 We're the same.

Speaker 1 One of the things we want her to feel is, oh, well, I'm the same as this guy, I think.

Speaker 1 We feel the same way about things. That's exactly what we want.
Yeah, that's cool because that is something I want them to feel when they show up, which is like, oh, this is,

Speaker 1 I have this thing,

Speaker 1 this guy and I have these things in common. This is someone who, like, when somebody shows up on my profile, when a woman shows up on my profile, I want them to think,

Speaker 1 this guy is my my peer and I am his peer.

Speaker 1 Does that make sense? Totally.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I want them to think, too, that

Speaker 1 this is a guy who takes care of his business.

Speaker 1 This is a guy who is serious, again, about the serious things, but not, doesn't take the not serious stuff, not, doesn't take the not serious stuff seriously.

Speaker 1 But, but I do want there to be an undercurrent of like, this guy has his shit together. This guy knows what he's doing and

Speaker 1 gets after it, you know. I love it.
So, the only thing I haven't heard yet from what you described, unless there's another prompt that conveys this, is something that's going to make a woman laugh.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And maybe we can do that with the, maybe we can tweak the I'm a dad prompt, go with something like that.
Last one was the Dilf joke.

Speaker 1 So the backstory there is, I had, I've had some good success with those little, fun little,

Speaker 1 fun little

Speaker 1 twists where like I had a really good good success with a prompt on Hinge that said I'm just looking for a woman who is DTF

Speaker 1 down to form a long-lasting loving relationship with great communication and so I got a lot of LOLs on that and

Speaker 1 it actually conveys that but with a little cheekiness. So I don't know if you want to steal that you'd be like, hey, I hope

Speaker 1 I'm I'm the Dilph you've been looking for.

Speaker 1 Dad

Speaker 1 immune to, or whatever, dad irresistible, I love whatever. So you could do that.

Speaker 1 And then you could even, you could even have a little PS on that prompt and say something like, all jokes aside, you know, I am a, I am a dad, proud dad,

Speaker 1 you know, just putting that out there, something like that. So you could proud dad.
That's a good way to put it to you. So I'm going to, I'm going to steal your dilf thing.

Speaker 1 I'm going to figure that out because I like that a lot.

Speaker 1 And, and but I like proud father too. I think that conveys

Speaker 1 again who I am as a father. I am a damn proud father,

Speaker 1 so I'll put that out there for sure. Hell yeah, you should be.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is it's really interesting talking all of this through,

Speaker 1 and you kind of like, at least for me, I kind of figure out a lot of things as I talk it out. And it's been interesting, I don't think I've had the opportunity to talk this stuff out too much yet.

Speaker 1 I mean, you, I've just started working in a more official capacity this way. This is really helpful, man.
Thank you. You're welcome.
You're welcome.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Getting women out on dates from text, from matching to texting to dates.

Speaker 1 Yes, I would love to go into that. How long are you do you recommend going back and forth with women? Is it a number of texts? Is it an amount of time? Or is it just kind of getting the feel

Speaker 1 from

Speaker 1 the texts, the text exchange? Great question. It depends.
Every situation is different. But let's assume you want to get her out on the date as relative as quickly as reasonably possible.

Speaker 1 Because you are a busy guy, to your point, familiar. You're not looking to text forever.
I actually love bantering and texting back and forth if I have time, but not everybody does.

Speaker 1 And not everybody's like me. So I would say.

Speaker 1 For the record, I actually enjoy it too. And it's, and this takes me to another question.
Sorry to interrupt you, which is

Speaker 1 there's, how do I phrase this? But, you know, I'm kind of chatting with about four different women on Hinge right now. Yeah.
And some of them I'm like, this is just flat.

Speaker 1 It's like, I've given you some stuff to see if you're going to take it and if we can have a little fun with this.

Speaker 1 And it's just like I'm like throwing these girls softballs and they're just responding in the most robotic, like boring ass way.

Speaker 1 Like, how often would that?

Speaker 1 If my feel is, I'm like, all right, this, this chick seems

Speaker 1 bland or not quick on her feet, or just, uh,

Speaker 1 is it cool to just kind of just move on? You know, of course

Speaker 1 Yeah, what I want for you is to have an abundance of great options so that when a woman who might look like your type if she doesn't have the personality that effervescence that fun you can say all right next

Speaker 1 so that you don't have to feel like you're gonna have to settle for somebody or settle just for well she's really pretty so i guess i'll go on a date with her i have no problem with you doing that but i want you to make sure that you eventually when you settle down with the next one, who she is, or even when you just go on your next date, you're excited to banter and have that fun back and forth.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's cool. Because I think for me, like, if I'm being honest, like, it doesn't matter how attractive a woman is physically, if I'm not

Speaker 1 intellectually stimulated and

Speaker 1 not having a good time with this person, it's not going to matter. You know what I mean? Okay.
It's just like, we just get the fuck out of here. That's good to know.
Okay.

Speaker 1 That's the kind of, and that's another thing you could put on your profile as a prompt uh i wouldn't i would only put one screening prompt on but yeah yeah here's a good way to think about the prompts we want one prompt that says what you're looking for which you have we want a prompt that makes her smile and laugh which i think the dilf one will do while also conveying the fact that you have a son and then we want another prompt that

Speaker 1 well you don't have this one it's okay we want you could do this with the poll prompt but we want one prompt that paints a picture of what a really fun, enticing date would be with some specificity.

Speaker 1 That's how we put bait on the hook because, again, we're just marketing to get your kind of woman out on a date with you. So, this can you explain that a little bit more?

Speaker 1 Yeah, can we go into a little more? So, with the poll question, so dude, my polls question. This is the lamest, whackest poll question ever.
I just delete this immediately.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 I'm so embarrassed to put this on a podcast.

Speaker 1 Can I be honest with you? I actually think I put this poll question together while I was taking a dump.

Speaker 1 And it is

Speaker 1 pick the best one. Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, or white chocolate.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was actually taking a shit when I put this together because I remember thinking to myself, like, I shouldn't be talking about chocolate right now.

Speaker 1 But that's, that's my, my poll question. Can you help me, please? This is terrible.
All good. So

Speaker 1 let's talk about let's talk about that poll why it's so bad say it again just so everybody hears it oh man this is going to be this is going to be on the internet forever um

Speaker 1 like literally someone in the year 10 000 would be like yo that guy zach his poll question sucked um

Speaker 1 what is your

Speaker 1 what's the best one dark chocolate milk chocolate or white chocolate all right i mean that's not terrible I think you're being a little tough on yourself. However, it's not really that different

Speaker 1 than what what women are used to seeing. We want to break those patterns so that we're giving them reward.
I like to think of every single part of your profile should give her something,

Speaker 1 which gives you. Can you explain a little more what a pattern break is? I know the concept, but can you dive into that a little bit more? Just something that women aren't used to seeing.

Speaker 1 So breaking the pattern, but in a positive way. So women are used to,

Speaker 1 here's a pattern break. Women are used to a prompt that says, oh, I work out really hard.
I'm training for a marathon.

Speaker 1 My prompt says, Oh, yeah, I'm training for a marathon, a Netflix marathon.

Speaker 1 So I'm breaking the pattern. I'm making her think I'm doing one thing, but then here's the joke.
Or here's the pattern interrupt for a poll prompt.

Speaker 1 My favorite kind of poll prompt to do, I'll just read you what I have right now in mind.

Speaker 1 Choose our first date. Option A, see a comedy show.
Option B, find the best hot chocolate in NYC.

Speaker 1 Option C, meet my parents. What? Too soon?

Speaker 1 It's kind of a cheesy little joke. I'm not saying it's comedy gold, but it's a funny little third.

Speaker 1 There's something in comedy called the rule of threes. You'll see two normal things in a list,

Speaker 1 in a comedic list. And then the third thing is the switcheroo, the surprising one, and that's what gets the laugh.
Once you start racing this, it'll drive you crazy watching TV. But go ahead.

Speaker 1 Would it be too dark if for the parents' part I put a parentheses, but my parents are dead? Or is that?

Speaker 1 That's a little dark. It's a little dark.

Speaker 1 My parents are not dead.

Speaker 1 I hope. I hope.
I'm glad to hear that. I'm getting close.
Okay, I won't do it. One of my best performing poll prompts, I can't do it anymore because it's not really trending.

Speaker 1 But last year or so, roughly a year ago, Kanye West

Speaker 1 was

Speaker 1 just acting out, doing all this stuff in the media. He was meeting with white supremacists and doing all this Nazi stuff.
And

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 for my poll prompt, it was choose our first date. Go to a comedy show.

Speaker 1 You know, go out for cheesecake. Taser Kanye.

Speaker 1 And so many women laughed at that. That gives them something, right? It gives her a laugh, gives her a smile.

Speaker 1 But the nice thing about the poll prompt is you can get matches with that third one, the funny one.

Speaker 1 But also the first two, if they're good, you also get matches on the first two because some women just do want to go to a comedy show or want to have a dessert-only dessert-only date or the best cheesecake in New York City.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, I would.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 let's rewrite your prompt.

Speaker 1 Yes, let's, please.

Speaker 1 How about we come up with two genuine but specific first dates

Speaker 1 that you would potentially do, or at least that would be enticing? Uh, what might those be besides grabbing drinks? Yeah, um,

Speaker 1 well,

Speaker 1 comedy show for sure, okay,

Speaker 1 music. I'll just speak about the The main ones that come to mind are comedy show, music, like a walk in the park.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Anything dessert related. You know, I don't drink a lot, so I'm not a huge fan of going out for drinks, but I would do it.

Speaker 1 Anything like chocolate-related, I'm 100% in. Okay.

Speaker 1 I think those are probably more than the normal ones. Okay.
Got it.

Speaker 1 Great. Let's go with, ooh, chocolate's good.
What's a chocolate date? Like a chocolate-based activity? Hot chocolate? Well, but here we are it's holidays maybe like hot chocolate

Speaker 1 get hot so i figured it's gonna be friday night go find the best

Speaker 1 i don't know hot chocolate in town or the best milk chocolate in town or that's great

Speaker 1 so that can be one of them for our first date

Speaker 1 choose our first date a or the first option

Speaker 1 okay hold on i see i'm literally just bringing this in right now okay Okay, option one. Get hot chocolate.
Get hot cocoa, something like that.

Speaker 1 So that could be the first one.

Speaker 1 Okay, gotcha. And what's a second enticing date idea that's very legit, very

Speaker 1 real,

Speaker 1 but not just drinks?

Speaker 1 So part of my question for you here is like, is it, you know, this kind of segues through a different question as well, but like for a good first date option, do you want to do something like going to a comedy club or going to see some music?

Speaker 1 Because in that sense, you're not really interacting with the person as much as you are focused on something else, right? Well, this is not really about deciding what the two of you are going to do.

Speaker 1 This is about getting her to hit heart and to like you.

Speaker 1 So that's, I agree with that. We don't necessarily want to go to a movie or go to a comedy show.

Speaker 1 But we could get into that. It's a separate topic.
We just want to find two fun, different things that might make a woman go, oh, that sounds cool. That's different.

Speaker 1 Like see an improv show, go to the theater, anything. Doesn't have to be.
Yeah. So that could be number two.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then for the third one, what is, here's where your sense of humor can come out. Because, you know, you know, my whole thing is authenticity.
Let's get your absurd third one. What any ideas?

Speaker 1 What would be the most extreme, absurd

Speaker 1 first date idea that would just be a complete and total curveball? Number one, go get hot hot chocolate. Number two, go see a comedy show or go to the theater.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we'll say for number two, we'll say go take a walk in the park because that'll be different from what I would say for number three.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 For number three, it would be go mosh pit at some Christian death metal.

Speaker 1 I love that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That's so out there. I never would have come up with that.
That's you. That's great.

Speaker 1 Mosh pit.

Speaker 1 Dude, is there, is there

Speaker 1 mosh pitting? Is there mosh pitting in a in Christian death? Is there Christian death metal? Is that a thing? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think I'm one of the few people who has kind of gone on a Christian metal deep dive.

Speaker 1 Christian death metal is a real thing. It is

Speaker 1 insane. And

Speaker 1 it is a lot bigger and more popular than I think anybody realizes. I love it.
All right. Note to self.
Go try Christian death metal mosh pitting soon.

Speaker 1 I like that. That's a pattern interrupt.
Women are not used to seeing a Christian death metal mosh pit.

Speaker 1 Maybe put a little,

Speaker 1 you know, rock-on emoji, like the finger, like rock-on,

Speaker 1 or I don't know where emoji would go with the

Speaker 1 rock.

Speaker 1 It's the rock-on one. It's the double fingers.

Speaker 1 So that's a good little

Speaker 1 template to follow. Two totally normal, understandable, enticing dates.
And the third one is just so absurd. I think another one I had good luck with is: instead of drinks, let's

Speaker 1 get tacos,

Speaker 1 get sushi, get matching tram stamps,

Speaker 1 the little butterfly emoji. Another one I did was,

Speaker 1 this one had some interesting answers. For our first date, let's

Speaker 1 try cooking, or like try yoga,

Speaker 1 try a dance, try

Speaker 1 dance class, try ketamine.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I thought that was absurd and crazy. A couple women thought I was serious, and shit, and they're like, Yeah, I'm down for ketamine.

Speaker 1 I was about to say, that is not nearly out there enough for New York. I'm not surprised you got a bunch of takers.

Speaker 1 So you can play around with what works. But essentially, what we're doing here is this is so much better already.
I appreciate you. This is good.
Cool. This is much better.
Cool. Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 All right. We got five minutes left.
Let's go over a little bit because I aimed to

Speaker 1 overserve. Is there anything else that I can help you with?

Speaker 1 I think one of the big ones that's been on my mind is,

Speaker 1 oh my God, I guess I kind of have like a.

Speaker 1 Dating without drinking too much alcohol. I'm not a big drinker.

Speaker 1 I have like the tolerance of a 90-year-old woman.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I don't, you know, I'm up really early all the time.

Speaker 1 Do you have any easy tips without deep diving on this? Because I know we're going to be out of time soon for

Speaker 1 how to date. I'm totally down to have a drink.
Maybe two, but this is not something I want to make a regular part of my life, you know? Right.

Speaker 1 What's your question?

Speaker 1 How do I do this?

Speaker 1 Just stick with ketamine.

Speaker 1 Okay. Just special K, baby.

Speaker 1 Special K all day. All it takes.

Speaker 1 I have a surprising number of people I can hit up for some ketamine. Well, so what's the problem you're thinking about you're going to face?

Speaker 1 Is just drinking when you don't want to, or is the problem you're thinking about, like, oh, what if I tell her I don't want to drink? Am I going to lose dates? What are we talking about here?

Speaker 1 Well, there might be a little bit of both, right? So,

Speaker 1 yeah, I am concerned that

Speaker 1 if I'm going out, there's going to be pressure to drink if I don't want to.

Speaker 1 And so, I guess, like, let's say I'm in a situation where I really don't want to drink. Like, if I have to be up early the next day,

Speaker 1 should I just be straight up? Just be like, I got to get up. Like, I'm just going to have a seltzer.
Or

Speaker 1 is that going to be lame?

Speaker 1 Is that going to impact the vibe? I would let her know in advance. It's possible that

Speaker 1 some women, I think a minority, but some women might feel a little bit uncomfortable if they're the one drinking and you're not drinking at all. Yeah, totally.

Speaker 1 So if you want to totally not drink at all on a date, then but you're putting together a first date at a bar, then just give her a heads up. And you can do it this way.

Speaker 1 You can say, hey, just so you know,

Speaker 1 looking forward to having drinks with you tonight. Just so you know, I'm not drinking alcohol today, but don't worry.
I'll catch a buzz off you.

Speaker 1 Are you cool with that? You would say, you would basically say, is that cool with you? So So you're giving her a really helpful heads up.

Speaker 1 If she's not looking to have drinks, and some women don't care, some women do, then she might say, oh, well, let's do something different where now you've gotten it out of the way.

Speaker 1 And if she's cool with that, then

Speaker 1 go out and have your,

Speaker 1 you can be like me. I'm sober approaching 700 days now.
And

Speaker 1 that's awesome. I forgot that it had been that long.
That's amazing. Thank you.
But if I was going on dates,

Speaker 1 I would basically say, no sweat though i'll have i'll have a ginger beer the ginger man will have a ginger beer um i'll catch a buzz off you i hope little little flirty comment there to make her feel good

Speaker 1 and so that's one option the other option is i i wouldn't want to wait until we got to the bar and then tell her i'm not drinking because that might make her uncomfortable i don't want to do that yeah totally yeah all right cool that's that's really helpful

Speaker 1 all right i think that was it man can I just say one more thing that I think it's important for me to tell a guy like you who is back in the dating game or about to be back in the dating game, yeah, after

Speaker 1 more than 10 years of marriage, right? Or 10 years of

Speaker 1 marriage?

Speaker 1 I will be 40

Speaker 1 December 18th, so that's like two weeks, two or three weeks from now. I, the last date I went on

Speaker 1 who wasn't my ex, I was 24 or

Speaker 1 23.

Speaker 1 so if my math serves me correctly that's 16 or 17 years damn

Speaker 1 yeah damn

Speaker 1 yeah i don't even know if i can spell date at this point

Speaker 1 anyway well i want to let you know that what i love about you one of the many things i love about you is you're a nice guy and i mean that without any pejorative vibes.

Speaker 1 It's not like you're a nice guy, but one of my biggest pet peeves is men who think, oh, well, I don't want to be some nice guy because women don't like nice guys. That is absolute bullshit.

Speaker 1 Women love a nice guy. Women love kind men.
They love kind men. I'm the nicest guy in the world, I think.
One of them.

Speaker 1 I literally help little old ladies cross the street, whether they want to or not. I just force myself on them.
No.

Speaker 1 But no, I help.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend and I just volunteered with people

Speaker 1 on Thanksgiving. I'm not saying that to brag at all.
That's the one day of the year I'm not a narcissistic jerk.

Speaker 1 But I'm a nice guy from Ohio. But the reason I got so good with women and dating is because I was able to combine that niceness, kindness with some edge, some humor, a little swagger.

Speaker 1 But also, I'm just a big sweetheart.

Speaker 1 So I want you to know, not that you're worried about this, but I want you to know as you get back into the dating game for the first time in double-digit years, is you can be a nice guy.

Speaker 1 You are a nice guy. And don't be afraid to let that side come out.
But also, fuck with the girl. Bust her balls a little bit.

Speaker 1 Fuck with her just the way you've been doing with me on this.

Speaker 1 Be playful.

Speaker 1 Let that real self come out because

Speaker 1 women want a nice guy. One of the most beautiful women I ever met.
I didn't date her, but we had a really deep, long conversation one night. She's a former model.

Speaker 1 She was on the cover of Maxim.

Speaker 1 And she said, and I quote, women love nice guys. Still single?

Speaker 1 I don't think so.

Speaker 1 She said, and I quote, we love nice guys. Women love nice guys as long as he has a backbone.

Speaker 1 As long as he's got a little bit of edge and a backbone, but we hate narcissistic jerks. We hate them.
And so she's trying to say, basically, don't be some weird. red pill, toxic weirdo.
Be nice.

Speaker 1 Just make sure you have that confidence, that core confidence, which I know you do, but

Speaker 1 take it from Mr. Nightingale.

Speaker 1 Thank you. And, you know, again,

Speaker 1 I think that goes without saying, having gotten to know you, you are genuinely a good dude, like genuinely.

Speaker 1 I think it's one of the reasons why I trust you, one of the reasons why we're friends.

Speaker 1 But, you know, the point you're making, too, it has been on my mind, which is there does kind of seem to be,

Speaker 1 I don't know, almost like this resurgence of more more like old school broism. And there was a part of me that was like, I wonder,

Speaker 1 I don't, I genuinely don't have a feel for what women think about that right now.

Speaker 1 Like, my instincts tell me that that stuff has always been a turn off and it's always been bullshit and has always been just

Speaker 1 as it's been as repulsive to them as it is to me and to many people I know who are just straight up.

Speaker 1 But again, I haven't been in the dating world and I've, you know, I've gone out three or four times over the last like three or four months and ended up at a couple of places where I was like, hmm, this is interesting.

Speaker 1 This does not seem to be my scene,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 there are certain pretty attractive women here who seem to be attracted to that vibe. Maybe I was misreading it.
So I don't know.

Speaker 1 So I guess it's good to hear that that is not the case or not the case with enough women that it will be fine. I don't have to go out there and do any of that shit.

Speaker 1 Well, you're a personal trainer, obviously. You know the power of having muscle and being really strong.

Speaker 1 And I like to think of the ideal combination of what women are drawn to is a man who has that nice balance of muscle and heart. He's strong.
He knows who he is. He wants to have a great date with her.

Speaker 1 He wants to approach her. He wants to make a move because, hey.
Dating is a dance and our job as men is to lead that dance.

Speaker 1 So we can show that muscle, so-called muscle, by being leaders, by being really raw and real and genuine. However, we can also show heart by being kind, by being a gentleman, by being a sweetheart.

Speaker 1 And women love that, that kind of combination of muscle and heart. There's an anecdote in my book you might remember.
I was sitting on a park bench with a woman on our second or third date.

Speaker 1 many, many, many years ago.

Speaker 1 And we were drinking smoothies. And

Speaker 1 was, we were talking about dating, and we were talking about each other. And she said, I don't know, what do you think? Should I, should I date you, or should I run away?

Speaker 1 You know, she was like a fun little teasing comment. And I said, I was trying to be clever.

Speaker 1 You know, the phrase, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Yeah.
I just switched it. I said, you don't have to worry about me.
I'm a sheep in wolf's clothing.

Speaker 1 I act tough on the outside, but inside I'm really cuddly. I was just trying to be clever.
I didn't even have any deeper truth to that. And she just kind of swooned.

Speaker 1 And she said, oh my God, that's what we want. You don't know how much I'm glad you said that.
I was just trying to be witty. No, I can remember that from your profile.

Speaker 1 Can I steal that line from you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it was honest. I know it was honest, but it is a really good line.
That's not bad, actually. I'm going to test that out.
I've never put that on a profile.

Speaker 1 I'll see how that does on Hint.

Speaker 1 But the idea is, you know, I'll approach a woman. I'll have some swagger.
I'll have some edge. I'll be like, hey, what's up? You look like

Speaker 1 you look like you're trouble. Little

Speaker 1 cheeky little smile, a little swagger.

Speaker 1 I had my ginger beer going. I'm feeling good.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 that's kind of a wolf exterior. Inside, I'm a cuddly softy.
And I'm also going to let that come through. I'm not going to lead with that, probably.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I'll let her see that as we get to know each other. So I thought that was a pretty telling moment.
And that was great feedback from her.

Speaker 1 All right. That's cool.
That's cool. Do you have any other like quick advice for a guy who's about to go on his first date in 17 years?

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 1 What you got? As soon as you and she walk in that venue and start talking, I want you to say to yourself, this is a victory for me. This is a win because I'm back in the game, baby.

Speaker 1 So think of that first date back

Speaker 1 as batting practice.

Speaker 1 You're in wherever

Speaker 1 St. Petersburg, Florida, spring training, and it's just practice.
Now, it hasn't been 17 years for me, but I remember my first date in real life post-pandemic. It was about 14 months of

Speaker 1 choosing to be isolated because I was writing the book and chose to be completely alone to not get COVID. And my first date back,

Speaker 1 I was like, oh my God, have I lost my touch? Do I know how to flirt anymore? Mr. Dating Coach with a book coming out, I was really in my head and nervous about it.

Speaker 1 And I just said, whoa, whoa, settle down. It's your first date back after a year.
You're not going to be in the zone. And

Speaker 1 I was actually way better than I thought I was going to be. She didn't look like her photos.
So

Speaker 1 wasn't that attractive?

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 that's actually really awesome advice. I really appreciate that.
Because I think,

Speaker 1 I don't even think I've thought about it too much, but it's also really good to know. It's like, you got to get your reps in, Zach.

Speaker 1 You got to get out there and you will get better if you just stick with it and just keep going. You know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, the first two, three dates, like put absolutely no pressure on yourself to get any kind of outcome.

Speaker 1 Let it come to you. Let it arise.
And remind yourself, hey, it's been 17 years. But remember,

Speaker 1 you're just going on a date. You're just talking to a woman and you're getting to know her.

Speaker 1 You're not hitting a flop shot at Augusta National. You're not skiing.
It's not like you need amazing technique. You're a great talker.
You're funny. You're successful.
You're hardworking.

Speaker 1 You're all these great things that make you Zach, the great, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know what we need to come up with that higher self-name for you, but you know, Zach, Zach to the future.

Speaker 1 Moving toward an amazing dating life.

Speaker 1 But anyway, yeah, for, I would say, first three dates, spring training, no pressure. I'm not saying something great won't happen, but I'm saying absolutely no pressure at all.
Yeah. All right.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. That's really helpful.
Thank you. You got it, man.
All right. Well, let's, we can wrap it up here, and I'll see you at the gym on Thursday.
All right. Thanks, coach.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
Hey, by the way, you listening at home, if you, like Zach, are looking for some coaching, you can do a free consultation with yours truly.

Speaker 1 All you got to do is go to datingtransformation.com, click the book a call button, and you and I can get on the phone to talk about whether or not dating coaching might be right for you.

Speaker 1 Anyway, again, that's datingtransformation.com. Thank you so much for listening.

Speaker 1 And don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she's out there and she's already into you, or she will be, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic you.

Speaker 1 So go out there, take authentic, courageous action. Carpe datum sees the date.
See you next time.