Stop Getting Ghosted! The 10 Texting Commandments that Get Women Writing You Back (Textual Healing, Part 2)

Think of your text messages as movie trailers,

and the first date is the main feature.

Marvin Gaye.

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.

singing Marvin.

Like an oven.

Oh, yeah.

When I get that feeling,

I want textual healing.

Textual

healing

is good for me.

All right, welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett.

I'm here to help you flirt with confidence, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend.

All by being authentic.

Talk about authentic.

Talk about attractive.

Marvin Gaye.

We're talking about textual healing.

This is part two of a three-part series I'm doing, helping you text better.

Because when you text better, you're going to date better, you're going to get more dates.

And that's what I want for you as your podcast dating coach.

In part one, I gave you my texting framework, which is simply four steps, which is play, play, play, pull the trigger.

Meaning most of your text messages should be light and playful.

And then every so often, of course, you want to pull the trigger and ask for what you want, which is usually going to be asking for a date or asking for a phone date or a video date or whatever you want to ask for.

First, you have to give a little bit.

You have to play.

Here in part two today, I'm going to give you the 10 texting commandments.

These are the 10 rules that every guy needs to follow in order to have his text messages responded to and get you those dates and get good at texting.

And I wanted to play a little Marvin Gaye because I remember how when I got good at texting early in my single days trying to figure out dating, I remember how much it helped me.

There's a woman named Jennifer I dated many, many years ago, and I was being playful and a little cheeky and a bit of a smart smart ass which is my authentic self I'm a cheeky smart ass

often in life and I was messaging back and forth with this woman named Jennifer and I was teasing a little bit and I was texting her things like oh boy you're gonna be

no pressure but I just got a brand new haircut I'm gonna look so handsome tomorrow you better bring your a game and she was just loving it and I remember she texted me a few hours before the date this was the the first time this had ever happened.

She texted me, I cannot wait to meet your smart ass tonight.

She was excited to meet me.

She was really looking forward to the date.

And

then we had the date and it went amazing.

We had a fantastic first date.

It was kind of like that my text, I realized that texting can be a really powerful tool where you keep a connection strong and not only keep a connection strong, but you can dial up romantic connection leading up to that first date.

And so today I want to help you do that.

So I'm going to give you my 10 texting commandments.

Let's just get right to it.

These are the 10 most important rules you need to follow to get good at texting.

And here we go.

Texting commandment number one is thou shalt give value authentically.

Your text messages should almost always offer something.

They should give value, but through the lens of your authentic self.

Your authentic, true, real, genuine you is you at your most attractive, at least to your type of women.

So you want to text women in a very authentic way, but you want to give value.

So you want to give her a laugh, make her smile, make her laugh, create curiosity, give value by asking good questions, not boring questions.

So don't ask a woman, how's your day?

How are you?

That's not really giving value.

What you could ask her is, hey, how is your day going on a scale of root canal to one the power ball?

Now that, a way you're giving value by asking a cliched question

in a creative way.

Or you could give value by sharing an interesting, fun update about your life, what your weekend was like, what you did.

This last weekend, I was out on the town with a client at a cool rooftop bar, and there was a Frank Sinatra sound-alike who was roaming through the rooftop bar, singing Sinatra classics.

I have a really good video and audio of it.

If I was dating a woman, which I'm not, I have a girlfriend, but if I was dating a woman, I would text her a little five-second audio or sorry, five-second video clip of this Frank Sinatra impersonator at this cool rooftop bar with gorgeous views of New York City.

That'd be giving her something of value as opposed to me asking for her to give me what I want.

So thou shalt give value authentically.

Simplest ways to do that, I've found is simply ask yourself: what does this woman care about?

What's relevant to her?

What is she into based on what you know about her?

If her profile on Hinge has photos of her and her dog, or she mentions being a

loves, loves baking, then

text her a baking question or ask her what her dog's name is or say, hey, Jennifer, what is the cutest thing your dog does?

What's the most adorably dorky thing your cat does?

That has value to her because she cares about it.

So make sure that you are mostly giving value by texting women in an authentic way that seeks to make her smile.

That's what this comes down to is how can I make her smile?

And that's the first and I think the most important rule of texting.

Most men don't give value.

Most men take, or at least don't give anything.

Hey, how are you?

How's your day?

What's going on?

Or that's not taking, but it's not really giving.

Or some men get a woman's number and they immediately ask, hey, let's go on a date.

Let's go out.

Let's have drinks.

And I do like the intentionality there, but first we have to give before we ask.

In other words, play

before you pull the trigger.

Okay, texting commandment number two.

Thou shalt not overread the texting tea leaves.

Don't spiral

if she doesn't respond to your message.

Don't assume you're ghosted.

You never know.

She might just be busy much of the time, if not most of the time.

If a woman is slow to respond or doesn't reply quickly or doesn't reply at all, It's not about you.

It might be because you did not offer value.

See commandment number one.

But it also might just be because she's busy or because she has 27 other guys who've matched with her and you need to stand out.

But you don't want to overread an unreturned message or a short message.

Don't make assumptions.

Or at least don't make disempowering negative assumptions.

So here's what I mean by overreading the texting tea leaves.

I have a former client named Michael and Michael said, hey, Connel, Connel,

I'm so bummed out.

This woman I had an amazing date with, she ghosted me.

And I said, what do you mean?

Send me a screenshot.

He sent me a screenshot, and he had sent her a text message that

gave her an update about his

weekend out in the town with his friends.

And the woman didn't respond.

He said, oh, she's ghosting me.

And I said, no, that's not getting ghosted.

That's just one unreturned text message.

Don't overread the texting tea leaves.

He was all bummed out thinking that one unanswered text message meant ghosting.

That does not equal ghosting.

If an unanswered text message meant you were getting ghosted, then my girlfriend would have ghosted me 47 times by now, which she hasn't, thankfully.

My sister, Colleen, has ghosted me 20 times.

because there are plenty of times my sister doesn't write me back.

I guess my sister doesn't want to be my sibling anymore.

She me.

No, it just means that she didn't respond.

That's all we know for sure.

And there are charming, good ways to follow up.

Here's a really vivid story of what not to do.

Okay.

This is not you, dear listener, but boy,

I've heard horror stories like this.

I know of a guy.

This is a story that came from a woman I briefly, briefly dated.

We were talking about dating horror stories.

And I'll call her Samantha.

Samantha is a neurosurgeon.

She goes into work every day and she is

operating on patients literally from like eight to five.

So she has a date lined up with a guy.

We'll call him Doug.

So Samantha has a first date lined up with a guy named Doug, finance guy, here in New York City.

The date is planned for 8 p.m.

on a Tuesday night.

Samantha goes into work.

She is in surgery most of the day.

She's not checking her phone.

She is busy saving lives.

She gets out of surgery at about 4, 4.30 p.m.

She grabs her phone and she sees a series of messages from Doug, from insecure, overreacting Doug.

Message number one reads, oh, hey, just checking in, make sure we're still on for tonight.

That's at about 9 a.m.

9.45, Doug writes again.

Hey, did you get my last message?

All good for tonight?

Question mark?

10.30, maybe 10.45, Doug writes again, hello, are you there?

Are you going to respond?

Noon, Doug writes, hey, I just need to make sure we're still on for drinks tonight because I'll make other plans if we're not.

He's starting to get pissed.

About 1 p.m.

or so, he gives her, hey, last chance, last chance.

Are you going to respond to me?

Or are you ghosting me with like an angry emoji?

And then at about 3 p.m.,

he writes her, you fucking bitch.

Why are you such an effing bitch?

And he just absolutely explodes in anger and toxicity.

And obviously, she did not respond.

She

unmatched him, ghosted him, call it what you will, for good reason, because why the heck?

Why the hell would she want to meet a guy who was so fragile?

And I get where that fragility comes from, because nobody struggled with dating more than me back in the day.

I had every dating problem there is to have.

But that's an extreme example of overreading the texting tea leaves.

Bottom line is Samantha was ready to have a first date with Doug, but because Doug's insecurities came out, because he overread those texting tea leaves, he blew himself out of the water.

She saved herself

a date with a guy who just wasn't in the emotional place that she wanted a man to be.

So thou shalt not overread the texting tea leaves.

So

that's commandment number two.

Don't overread it.

I dated a woman named Jessica once.

And Jessica once said,

don't get in your head if we don't respond right away.

We're busy.

We have lives, we being women, especially, you know, attractive, good catches, quality women.

We're busy.

We have lives.

We have things going on.

Don't freak out if we don't message you back.

It's okay.

So take it for women too.

Okay, texting commandment number three, thou shalt not fear the double text.

If your

text messages are giving value, if you're following my play, play, play,

pull the trigger framework, if you're giving value, then don't worry about double texting.

There is nothing wrong with double, triple, quadruple texting.

I've quadruple texted women and I am not worried at all about double or triple texting.

Why?

Because my messages give value.

They're making her smile, or at least they're seeking to.

And because I'm seeking to give value, I'm not coming off as needy or thirsty because it's not about me getting what I want.

It's about me giving.

So neediness, thirstiness.

is not in the act.

It's in the energy behind the act.

So double texting,

it's not in what you write, it's how you write it.

Okay?

So as long as you follow the first commandment, you're not going to have to worry about coming off as needy or thirsty.

Now, because you're giving value.

Now, if you're double, triple texting things like, well, like Doug did, hey, did you get my message?

All right, what are you doing?

What are you up to?

Where are you?

Are you blowing me off?

If you're only asking for what you want or if you're messaging from a needy place, hell yeah, don't do that kind of double or triple texting.

But if your messages are making her smile, if your messages are, or at least seeking to, are asking good questions or cracking jokes, authentically expressing your sense of humor, if you're having fun when you're texting, oh my God, double, triple text all you want.

You know, if

a woman doesn't respond to that last message, I might send another one that might be totally totally random, but let's say I

let's say that I know she has a, that I know she loves dogs.

I might send her a second message.

I have a really funny 10-second dog video of these two little shihhtzus in a little red convertible, a remote controlled convertible that their owner is controlling.

And I took this video as these dogs were being driven around on the sidewalks of New York City.

And it looks like the two dogs are driving a little red convertible.

And I took this little 10-second video of these two dogs in the red convertible.

And it's just really cute.

It's, it looks like they're driving.

And I've sent that to many women.

And

that's a double text, right?

If I'm sending that after she didn't respond to my last message, but it's making women smile.

It's making them laugh.

And I'll send a funny little caption for it.

So I'll send the 10-second dog convertible video and I'll say, hey, watch out for crazy drivers.

These two, these two nuts almost drove me off the road.

And then she sees the dog video and that gets an LOL

or that gets a, oh my God, that's so cute.

Ha ha ha.

That's not double texting or that's not needy texting.

I guess it is technically double texting.

Yeah, so don't worry about double or triple texting.

Now, don't get me wrong.

Your text message, the cadence should be roughly 50-50, 40-60 in either direction.

We do want a relatively equal distribution, but don't sweat it.

Don't worry about double or triple texting.

It's not needy as long as you are giving value.

Okay.

All right.

Texting commandment number four: thou shalt follow the three times rule.

What is the three times rule?

The three times rule is my invention,

and it means you can message a woman three times before you

give up and decide that you are maybe

if she's lost interest or getting, quote, ghosted.

The three times rule is about following up with persistence and charm, giving that value, right?

So again.

This kind of relates back to don't overread the texting tea leaves.

Don't assume one unanswered message

means that you're ghosted.

For example, I, and I've posted this on my Instagram.

I'll repost it.

I have a screenshot that shows me messaging a really beautiful woman from Tinder.

And you see that my first message, no response.

Hey, Abby, what's going on?

Connell from Tinder.

Is this Abby or did I text Papa John's by mistake?

LOL.

No response.

Now, some guys will give up on Abby, but I wrote a second message.

I forget what it was, but you know, maybe I asked her about her dog or asked her a question that I thought she would be engaged by.

No answer to the second message.

And then I said, Well, okay, oh for two, but hey, let's follow the three times rule.

Let's give a third fun,

funny, playful message.

And my third message was, Dear diary,

cute Tinder woman has gone missing.

Should I send a search party?

And then she responded to that.

She laughed and said, oh, hey, sorry, no search party needed.

Sorry, I just got busy.

Want to grab dinner?

So after three,

after my third message, following the rule of three, Abby wrote back and basically a Tinder 10,

which that's how I put her in my phone.

Abby, the Tinder 10, a Tinder 10 wrote me back and said, hey, want to get dinner?

And all I did was follow the three times rule.

So if you follow the three times rule, basically you're being persistent plus charming.

This does something really powerful.

It tells women that you are a guy who follows up.

You're persistent, but not needy

because you're giving value.

And if after three messages, she goes totally quiet, no response, no pulse, then move on.

Move on.

There's a lot of other matches in the sea, a lot of other fish in the sea.

But you're doing something powerful because you're showing her you are neither of the two kinds of guys who women are trying to weed out.

Here are the two kinds of guys women have to weed out.

One kind of guy is the guy who gives up after one unanswered text message.

He's no follow through, no persistence, giving up too soon.

That is probably the category you fall into if you fall into one of these two categories.

And that's okay.

Most men fall into that category.

But don't take one unanswered message as a rejection, okay?

So women are going to weed you out if you give up too soon, but they're also going to weed you out if you try too hard.

Don't send 10 messages.

Don't send a bunch of needy messages.

So they're looking to weed out

passive guys, timid guys who quit too soon.

That's not attractive and that's not going to get you dating results.

Or they weed out guys who are, well, remember, Doug,

they weed out the Dougs of the world.

The F you, you effing bitch, how dare you ghost me?

Or just men who get all butt hurt and sad and

cry and whine about it and get upset.

They're weeding out both.

They don't want to deal with either of those kinds of guys.

The sweet spot is be that persistent, charming, authentic guy.

Follow the rule of the three times rule.

I've even done a fourth message sometimes, but I'll definitely cap it at four.

Let's say three for the sake of this podcast.

And

this works because women have to screen out certain kinds of men.

They just don't have enough time.

They don't have enough days in the week to go on the number of dates that they would have to go on if they went out with every single guy.

who asked her out.

So they have to weed out men.

So you need to all you need to do is be persistent and charming and follow the three times rule.

I've had, actually, I've had a couple women say this to me.

One woman said this, and I quote, this was after I sent her a thirch charming message following the rule of three, different woman, not Abby, a different woman.

She wrote me, quote,

Hey, sorry I didn't get back to you.

I just wanted to see how persistent you are.

Drinks on Friday?

Boom.

She was just screening to make sure that I was interested in interested enough to follow up, but I did it the right way.

Charm and persistence, right?

So thou shalt follow the rule of three, the three times rule.

Yeah.

And it doesn't really matter what you write as long as you are continuing to have fun, right?

If a woman goes quiet, again, biggest mistake you can make other than giving up is saying, hey, are you blowing me off?

Why are you going quiet?

What's going on?

That's not going to work.

Turn her silence into

humor.

Turn her silence into fun.

You know, you might be like, oh, hey, by the way, if your silence is a protest against the fact that I love pineapple on pizza, hey, we can debate this on Friday night, Winky Face.

Okay.

So always turn, always make everything fun, light, no big deal.

Okay, commandment number five, texting commandment number five, thou shalt change her mood, not her mind.

Change her mood, not her mind.

This comes down again to this, the idea of how we want to make our text messages light and playful, not logical and analytical.

Women want to communicate in a playful, light.

emotionally enjoyable place when they're texting.

They don't want to communicate in a logical, analytical place.

So in the last or the first episode of this three-part series in part one,

go back and listen to it, please.

If you haven't, I read a text exchange with a woman named Gabby who went, who

basically texted me that, hey, I'm not going to be able to go out with you.

I'm sort of seeing this guy.

It's not going to happen.

And then instead of trying to change her mood, I cracked jokes, I used some playfulness and actually flipped it and had her instantly wanting to go out with me.

And then we dated for a while.

So I read that text exchange.

Go back to the last episode if you missed that.

But the idea is here:

women want humor.

They want play.

They want lightness.

And if the texting is not going the way you want, don't try to convince her to go out with you.

Or don't try to logically analyze things with her.

Change her mood.

Get her in a playful, fun mood.

So how do we do that?

Well, avoid serious analytical topics and tones, and instead keep things light.

Avoid logical analytical questions.

Instead, ask emotion-based questions or light questions.

So instead of

Instead of, you know, how old is your dog?

Nothing wrong with that inherently, but you could say, oh, are you, who's funnier?

You or your dog?

Or

who's weirder and dorkier, your cat or your dog?

Instead of asking logical questions about how long she had her cat or her dog, if that makes sense.

You know, if you get into some kind of exchange about something,

don't have a logical debate about a given topic.

Say, oh, why don't we settle this like adults?

Thumb war over tacos.

Up for it.

So you want to keep, you want to play to her emotional side and

impact her mood, not try to logically impact her mind.

And a lot of logical analytical men struggle with texting because in your software job, in your engineering job, in your finance job, in your career, logic and

logical analytical mind is very helpful.

But in dating, women don't want logic and analysis.

They want fun.

They want to talk about dumb, stupid

stuff in a light, fun way.

So, again, change her mood, impact her mood, not her mind.

Go back and check out that interaction with myself and Gabby from the last episode.

There's a whole exchange I read.

Okay, commandment number six: thou shalt text text

between

setting up the date and the day of the date.

Thou shalt text.

I'll shorten it.

Thou shalt text leading up to the first date.

Once a date is set, don't go silent.

Don't go quiet until the day of the date or two days or a day before the date.

Keep the vibe alive.

with some sort of cadence, at least one or two light, fun messages before you meet.

Think of your text messages as movie trailers.

And the first date is the main feature.

It builds anticipation.

That's what I was able to do for the first time of many times.

That's what I started to be able to do back when I told you that story about Jennifer at the beginning of this episode, where she was like, I can't wait to meet your smart ass.

We were bantering.

We were flirting.

We were teasing back and forth, just building anticipation.

And that just got her.

Not only did she not ghost me, obviously, quite the opposite.

She was excited to meet me.

She couldn't wait.

And then the me she met on the date was Connell,

this sincere, nerdy, smart ass.

She met the same guy because authenticity, baby.

And she's like, oh, great.

He's just like he seems by text, but it's even better because we're in person and it was an amazing date.

So So, yeah, keep the cadence going.

How do you do that?

Well, it's going to be a case-by-case basis,

but I like to do things like

a few days before the date.

Let's say your date is going to be,

I don't know,

tapas, Spanish tapas.

Let's say you're going out for some Spanish tapas.

You might talk about

the

I'm blanking on what a Spanish tapas item would be the creme caramel dessert hey you're gonna love the food on Friday night we have to get the creme caramel for dessert it's gonna change your life getting her you know getting her excited about the date

or

again I'm I'm I'm cheeky I'm a little I'm cheeky borderline cocky at times and I I like to have that side of me come out so I'll write things like

you know

I'll write something like, oh, hey, just so you know, I got a brand new

shirt

and

my biceps are popping for tomorrow night.

So try to control yourself when you see me.

Now, that's actually, I'm actually being self-effacing when I say that because I don't have some kind of amazing physique.

But the cheekiness makes it attractive to women who like a bit of a smartass.

So a lot of women will say, oh, well, you're feeling confident in yourself.

I'll try to up my game.

Or Or I like to send a message like, oh, hey,

tomorrow night, make sure you wear something tight and low cut so that we match.

That's another fun text from my dating past.

But you want to keep the cadence going.

And

here's a quick story of what not to do or why you don't want to go quiet.

I have a client named Nick.

And Nick had a date lined up with a really charming, attractive woman from Bumble.

And he set the the date up five or six days in advance.

And that's fine.

But if you're going to set up a date that far in the future, five, six, seven days in the future, you got to keep the cadence going.

And he didn't.

He set up the date.

He went quiet for like five days.

And then the day before the date, he said, oh, hey, just confirming that we're still on for tomorrow.

And she wrote him back and said, Actually,

I've lost interest because you went quiet.

So I'm really not feeling it anymore.

So that might be blunt, but I really think he at least appreciated the honesty.

And it was a really good lesson to keep some kind of cadence.

I would say every other day,

at least one message every two days.

And

it's just smart.

Worst case scenario, you're not going to hurt yourself by doing it.

And you are going to keep women from ghosting or going quiet

and yeah so what what sample text might you send um

I like to send a fun little warning like warning

I'll probably ask you at least two ridiculous would you rather questions when we meet up something like that

or

I like to I like to play up something fun that we're going to be doing together.

I've had a lot of karaoke dates over the years.

So I might say, hey, I'm thinking we do a duet.

How about either don't go break in my heart or

total eclipse of the heart?

What duet are you feeling?

And so I'm engaging her and collaborating with her, teaming up with her on talking about some fun things that we'll do on the date.

And women tend to like it.

So

make sure that you keep the cadence going leading up to the date.

Texting commandment number seven.

Thou shalt lower the bar for how good your text messages must be.

You don't need to be brilliant or perfect.

Just be genuine, real.

Don't overthink everything that you message.

As long as you are light, somewhat playful,

and trying to make her smile, and keeping topics light and being yourself, you'll be giving value, following that important rule of giving authentic value.

And

a lot of my clients or a lot of men who struggle with texting,

the reason they struggle is because they have a high bar.

They think, okay, everything needs to be hilarious and witty.

They run their text messages through chat GPT or even worse, they ask chat GPT what to write.

And then it comes off as very inauthentic, obviously, because you are not AI.

You are a human.

So don't use chat GPT.

Don't think that your text messages have to be amazing.

You're not a stand-up comedian.

You don't have to be Shakespeare.

You don't have to have the wittiest, cleverest lines.

You just need to keep it light and playful and positive and upbeat.

And

yeah, a simple rule I have for texting is whatever I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm texting.

What am I thinking and feeling about this date?

You might write, oh gosh, I'm excited, but a little bit nervous to meet her.

Text for that.

That kind of vulnerability is very charming to a lot of women.

If you're excited to, if you're work, if your work week has been stressful and your boss is a jerk, but you're excited to change your week.

and meet a pretty, attractive, interesting woman, tell her that.

Be sincere.

That's a beautiful thing.

So when in doubt, just follow the rule of, what am I thinking and feeling?

That's what I'm gonna text her.

And as long as it's G-rated, you're fine.

You're gonna be on solid ground.

So lower the bar for how good your text messages need to be.

You are not creating content.

You're just texting your date.

Okay,

texting commandment number eight.

Thou shalt ask better questions by text.

You've heard this before, but I'll state, I'll state it again because it does bear repeating.

Women are tired of how's your day?

How do you, how are you?

Don't ask clichés, cliched questions.

Beware of, yeah, how's your day?

How was your weekend?

There are ways to ask cliched questions in a non-cliched way that make them better questions.

So instead of how was your weekend, ask her, what was the most delicious thing that you ate this weekend?

I was just texting with a woman on Bumble.

Again, I'm not dating.

I have a girlfriend I am madly in love with, but I do,

I'm on the dating apps as a dating coach,

testing different strategies and trying out different things.

And I was texting with a woman on Bumble and on Monday I messaged her,

What was the most delicious thing you had all weekend?

That's basically a variation of how is your weekend.

But because I'm asking her a specific question

about something I know she cares about, food and drink,

because she mentioned that on her profile, all of a sudden she was really engaged.

She wrote, Oh my God, I had this amazing salad and I had a steak on Saturday night.

I was like, Wow.

I don't usually hear women saying they love steak.

That's sort of surprising.

So it was a good question, right?

So ask better questions.

Instead of how's your day, you might say, How's your day on a scale of,

you know, one to 10.

And then say what yours is.

Mine is an 8.3125764,

right?

Or you could ask other questions that are a little bit more out there.

You could ask light, fun, would you rather questions?

You know, you could ask F.

Mary Kill questions if she likes slightly raunchier,

slightly, by the way, slightly raunchier messaging.

You could say, hey,

what's something totally random that makes you weirdly happy?

Dot, dot, dot, besides me, right?

Or

I'm trying to think of another one.

I like to look at a woman's profile if she's from a dating app and pick a topic that I know she cares about, right?

I once dated a sommelier.

And I would message her, okay, what's the one bottle of wine you would bring?

You could bring a case of wine on your desert island, only drink one kind of wine for the rest of your life.

What would that be?

That like broke her brain, but in a good way, I made her think.

I made her talk about something that she cares about.

So

stop asking boring questions.

Ask more insightful questions that you think she would enjoy answering, either about topics you know she likes or just light topics.

Light, fun topics are fun to talk about, even if she doesn't,

just because it's a nice, light, playful topic.

Okay, texting commandment number nine,

thou shalt use

photos, video, and voice message.

Thou shalt use photos, videos, and voice messaging.

Texting doesn't have to be all words.

You know, send her your cute dog video or send her a voice message.

Whatever you would text her, shoot her a voice message

or shoot her a voice note.

A lot of women are attracted to the male voice or maybe attracted to your voice.

You never know.

Some women like hearing what a man will sound like.

Just the way you might be attracted to certain women's voices.

Some women have very sexy voices, feminine voices.

you know demi moore has a sexy voice um

maybe she has a a, maybe she's a Latina with a sexy Latina accent.

Just the way you're attracted to a woman's voice, a lot of women are going to be attracted to your voice.

So let her hear it.

And the thing about a voice note is if you send a voice note and she sends a voice note back, now you know she really likes it and you're connecting in a closer way than just with text.

Also, photos.

I love to send photos.

It doesn't have to be anything

elaborate.

I might take a picture of my morning cappuccino that I order at this nice little coffee bar.

I'll take a photo of that, send it to a woman, and say,

check this out.

Check out my coffee, my coffee porn.

I'll bet my morning coffee beats your morning coffee.

And then she'll message back her mug of boring black coffee.

And I'll say, yep, I knew it.

I won.

So you can use photos, videos, or voice notes just to break up the potential monotony of just texting.

Okay.

So yeah, this makes your texting more vivid, more memorable.

And different women have different

styles of flirting that they like.

Some women are tired of texting, but you send them the right photo.

G-rated, by the way.

You send them the right photo or the right little short video

and they love it.

I have another short video I took.

There's a guy in the New York City subways.

He dances with this six-foot-tall skeleton.

It's like

one of those subway performers.

He always draws a crowd.

He puts music on.

So I'll take a, I have a 10-second video of this guy dancing with a skeleton with like

bossa nova Latin music playing.

And it's just like a weird, charming little 10-second clip.

And I'll message that to women saying, hey, I think we should go out dancing after we grab drinks.

Here's how I dance.

And then I'll send her the video of this guy dancing with a skeleton.

And women love it.

It's very playful, very light.

So that's commandment number nine.

And then commandment number 10 is thou shalt pull the trigger.

Thou shalt pull the trigger.

This goes back to the overall texting framework that I teach.

Play, play, play, pull the trigger.

And of course, the reason we give, the reason we play, the reason we try to make women smile, keep them engaged, of course, is to ask them out.

Women don't want pen pals for the most part.

All that playful banter in the world won't matter if you don't make that move.

So at some point, you have to confidently ask for the date to move things forward.

Pull that trigger.

And

when you ask a woman out, my advice is either give her a range of dates

hey you know what we should definitely get together and finally sing karaoke uh what what what night's better for you thursday or saturday give her either a range of dates

or ask her what nights that she's free hey we should get together and you know let's go uh

let's go axe throwing Let's make it happen, just like we've been talking about.

What nights are good for you or what days are good for you?

I like to give a woman a range because if you ask, if you just pick one

day out of a calendar and if she's not available on that day or night, she has to say no.

And it's sort of like you're spending currency.

Every time you ask and she says no because she's busy, she has to, you're sort of spending a little bit of currency.

So I like to say to a woman, hey, we should finally do,

we should do XYZ thing.

I'll plan it for us.

You're going to love the cheesecake at this place, whatever the date idea is.

What nights are good for you?

And then I let her give me her availability.

That way I know she's free.

This just minimizes the friction it takes to set up the logistics of the date.

So don't forget, the reason that you're playing

and making her smile and giving value is because you want to pull that trigger and ask her out.

Most guys...

Either make the mistake of texting forever, but never pulling the trigger, or the other mistake is they they pull the trigger right away.

They don't play first.

They don't make her smile and feel good.

They ask her out too quickly.

So you want to play a little bit.

That's why my framework is called play, play, play, then pull the trigger.

Make sense?

Cool.

And then here's your bonus commandment.

Your bonus texting commandment.

Thou shalt text her.

the day after a good date.

Yeah, don't play games.

Don't wait three days.

I don't know if that ever worked.

I don't even think it ever did.

But if it did ever work, it was back before the Tinder era and back before women had so many options.

So

part of my philosophy of being authentic is just letting a woman know how you feel and where you stand.

So if you want to see her again, ask her out.

If you had a great time, text her the next day and say, hey, I had a great time last night.

I would love to see you

Would you like to see me again?

Please circle.

Yes, or hell yes.

So, some of the kinds of text messages you can send the next day: choose whatever fits your style.

Be authentic.

Don't try to sound like Coach Connell, but be authentic.

But you could be sincere.

Hey, last night was incredible.

You're even more charming in person than I thought.

I had a blast.

I'd love to see you again.

That's sincere.

I also have a cheeky, smart ass side.

So I'll send a message like, oh, hey, I just wanted you to know that you had a really good time last night and you want to see me again.

So I'll do a little cheeky, fake, cheeky, or fake, cocky, playful message that women who like that style love that kind of message.

Or you can just go pure humor, pure fun and silliness.

You know, hey, Rebecca, last night was amazing.

I had such a good time with you.

Where do I leave the Yelp review

to

talk about my date with you?

Or

I've done this one.

I like this one.

You know, the accidental text on purpose where you send a woman a text message and you pretend like you're sending it to somebody else as a joke.

as a joke, not manipulation.

It's 100% joke.

And you're letting her know it's a joke.

But the next day you could say,

you could send her a text message that reads, mom, dad,

I think I met the one last night.

I just hope she doesn't find out I still live in your basement.

You know, fingers crossed.

So you could do that or something like that.

That's very much my style.

But whatever your style is, let a woman know that you had a good time.

There's something real powerful and clear, or there's something real powerful to a woman in a world where so so many other guys are playing games and trying to play it cool and being somebody they're not and using weird pickup, weird pickup moves, where you're just like, boom, I had a good time.

I want to see you again.

Let's do it, shall we?

And women love that.

My girlfriend and I, the morning after our first date, she wrote me first.

I was about to send this message to Jess and she wrote it first.

She said, hey, last night it was so great having a,

she wrote the word suave.

That's what I loved.

She said, wow, last night was great.

I met this really cool, suave dating coach.

I had a great time.

And I returned the favor.

I said something back to her.

Well,

I met an intelligent, witty, dynamite

psychology double graduate major.

And

I know a suave dating coach who would love to see her again.

And that's how we started our relationship.

So let her know you had a good time if you want to see her again.

Thou shalt text after a great date.

And texting is

important

because it's just part of dating.

It's, it's built in now.

We have to text.

We have to message.

And

it's not the most important thing.

Nothing is more important than authenticity and respect for women.

and flirting through your authentic self.

That's you at your most attractive self.

But texting is important and get good at it.

And

not only are you going to have some

women writing you back, going on more dates, but you're going to start having some really, well,

fun

dates that are going to end with a little bit of

textual and then sexual healing.

Yeah.

Marbin knows.

If you want sexual healing, you need textual healing.

Textual healing.

All right.

Thank you so much for listening.

Until next time, and don't forget, your dream girlfriend is out there.

She just has to meet the real, authentic you.

Till next time.

And I

when I get that feeling, I won't text you or healing.