The Content Trap: Use My ‘80/20 Rule’ to Go from Overthinking to Effortless Flirting

I said, Brett, your problem is not that you don't have strategy.

The problem is you have too much strategy.

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I am your host, dating coach Connell Barretts.

I am an author, a dating coach.

Think of me as your hitch.

I am your ginger hitch here to help you flirt with confidence and get a great girlfriend and not use use toxic BS pickup artist moves.

It's about authenticity, presence, flirting as your best, truest self, because women like you for you.

Mom was right.

Girls are going to like you for you.

It's really true.

And if you are struggling to get second dates, even though you consume a lot of content,

If you consume a lot of YouTube videos or TikTok videos about dating, but you're still struggling, you're still in your head, you're not getting second dates, you still struggle with flirting.

Today's episode is directed at you.

I want to help you simplify things and know what to say and get more second and third dates and not be so in your head about what moves to make.

I want you to just become effortlessly attractive at the end of today's episode.

And here's how we're going to talk about it.

I want to tell you a quick story about a guy named Brett, not his real name.

I'll call him Brett.

I just had a talk with Brett.

Brett's in his early 40s.

He booked a consultation call with me.

I do dating coaching and one-on-one coaching, and guys book free calls with me to see if I can help them with their dating life.

And Brett said, oh, Connell, I'm really struggling.

My strategy is all wrong.

I'm not getting second and third dates.

Basically, he's had 10 first dates in the last year with women he was really attracted to.

None of these 10 women wanted to see him again.

Oh, for 10, Brett told me.

So I said, talk to me about your dates.

What have have you been talking about?

What's your flirting game plan?

How do you go into these dates?

And he said, ah, I've got it all mapped out.

I do this routine called the cube.

There's a routine called the cube that became somewhat famous when it was written about in the book The Game, Neil Strauss' book, The Game, back in 2005, 06.

He says, oh, I do the cube.

routine and I do this routine about vulnerability where I tell a story specifically designed to make her see what a vulnerable guy I am.

And

he also said, and this is where I got a little creeped out.

He said, oh, I've also really gotten good at breaking down a woman's, quote, bitch shield.

I'm like, what do you mean by bit shield?

He said, well, you know, women put on that bitchy front to test men so I can break down her bit shield.

So I do the cube.

I break down her bit shield.

I've got my vulnerability routine.

And you know what?

My first dates are going really well.

Some women, we're kissing.

We seem to be connecting, but they just don't want to see me again for the second date.

And

he basically said, I'm missing some strategy here.

What am I missing?

What's the strategy I need?

And I said, Brett, your problem is not that you don't have strategy.

The problem is you have too much strategy.

You're treating a first date, I told him, like you're trying to fix a carburetor.

You're trying to move every lever, adjust everything in the engine, and get some kind of mechanical perfect result.

Don't do that.

Less game, less strategy, more genuineness, more presence, more authentic connection.

In other words, I said, just be yourself.

Be what I call radically authentic.

Stop trying so hard to game a woman.

And

start trying to actually connect as people.

So don't overlearn this whole lesson about gamey stuff.

And

I said to Brett, which is the truth, I used to do the same thing.

I overlearned the mechanics, the strategy of dating.

And that's what today's episode is about.

You might be, you're not as extreme as Brett, most likely, because Brett goes back 20 years or so, he said.

Like he started learning about success with women because of the book, The Game.

And there was a TV show on the VH1 called The Pickup Artist.

He got very steeped in this world.

So did I.

It's been 20 years.

I've been working on my dating life, 20 years, or 20 years studying dating, I should say.

And so some men overlearn the whole idea of how to connect with women.

And

you don't have to be like Brett, or Brett,

you know, studied all these pickup guys.

Just because we live in a social media world where so much of life is online, on TikTok, on Instagram, you probably consume way, way, way more dating content than you need.

The truth is you don't need more dating content.

If anything, you need less dating

content.

And what I want to talk about today is what I call the 80-20 rule.

Here's the 80-20 rule.

When you're talking to a woman, whether it's an approach or a first date or heck, even texting,

80% of your conversation with her can and should be authentic, sincere, normal.

Just being your authentic real self, sharing your personality, sharing your actual thoughts, and being spontaneous and present in the moment.

20% at most should be the quote moves,

the flirting, the teasing, the what I call man-to-woman communication.

And it's kind of, think of it like cake and frosting.

Okay.

And the cake is you.

Most of your dating strategy strategy should just be you being sincere and normal and authentic and yourself.

And 20% at most should be the moves.

Kind of like you don't want too much icing on your cake.

You don't want 80% icing, 20% cake.

Oh my God, then you're going to have a total sugar crash.

And what Brett's doing on dates, in my opinion, is he's doing it opposite.

He's doing 2080.

He's probably 20%

being genuine, sincere, authentic.

80% cube, vulnerability move,

this nag, this tease, bitch shield, this, pass the shit test, all this pickup artist bullshit that still

permeates social media and our conversation today in 2025.

And it makes it really hard.

So here are the two big problems that consuming too much content can do.

It

gets you out of the present moment.

It gets you so focused on results and saying and doing the right thing that it takes you out of the present moment with that woman.

It robs you of, I think, what I think is your most attractive trait, which is you being yourself in the present moment, feeling good about yourself.

Present, positive confidence.

That's you at your most attractive.

That's what radical authenticity is.

And if you're so focused on say the right thing, do the right move, get the right result, then you're not turning her into a human to connect with, you're turning her into,

I don't know,

an obstacle to conquer or a result to achieve.

And don't get me wrong, I want you to have amazing dating results.

I want you to have every date go great and get the world's best girlfriend and feel incredible about yourself.

That's literally what I do for a living.

But there's a paradox here.

We need to do this in a way that doesn't treat her as a result, an obstacle, something to be conquered or someone to

someone to be adjusted until you get your results.

And that's how Brett's looking at women.

We need to treat women as people.

They're just people.

A woman's just a person talking to you on that date.

And I said that to Brett.

I said, bro, can I be honest with you?

Women aren't bitches.

There's no bitch shield to break down.

She might be shy.

or she might not know who you are yet and have some guard up.

That's not a bit shield.

That's just a a person being a person.

So I don't know if I'm going to end up working with Brett or not, but if he does become a client of mine, I can't wait to help him rewire things.

And I want to help you rewire things today.

Let's simplify things.

Let's talk about what I call the 80-20 rule.

Really simple.

This is so simple.

80-20 just means that you go on that date.

or you're in that conversation with a woman you just approached and you're just 80% of what you say and do is all just sincere and genuine.

Here's a simple rule to follow.

What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing.

What I'm thinking and feeling, speaking your true, honest thoughts, being vulnerable from a genuine place, not a strategic place like Brett was doing planned, canned, vulnerable routines.

If you're feeling silly and goofy on a date, be a little bit silly and goofy.

If you're a nerd and you just read a cool, nerdy book, tell her about the cool, nerdy book book you read, that passion you have for the things you love and are into.

That's really attractive to women, at least generally.

And I'd rather you lean into that than say what you think she needs to hear.

So the 80-20 rule will make it a lot easier for you.

Here's what you're probably doing right now on dates or when or when interacting with women.

You're probably coming from a place of what's the right thing to say?

What's the good game?

What's the good strategy?

And that raises the bar for how good you think your quote content needs to be.

That's the big problem with today's world where so much content is online.

So many so-called experts are saying, here's what you have to say on every date.

Here's what you got to do on every date.

Here's the strategy.

And you know what?

You need less strategy.

You need more presence, more genuineness, more being really, real with the woman.

Here's one story from my past.

I'll give you the before and the after.

Here's my Brett story, basically.

I had a first date once with a woman.

This is in the late double zeros when I was really getting good at dating.

And

I had learned that when I'm kind of cheeky and a smart ass, because that is authentically me, good things were happening on dates.

So I was seeing some improved interactions, some better connections.

And I had a first date with a woman, a waitress that I met, and I boldly asked her out as she was serving my table, and she was a knockout.

She looked like Jessica Alba.

That's what I remember.

I was like, oh my God, she looks just like Jessica Alba.

She looked like Jessica Alba

but with big, chunky, nerdy artsy glasses.

Just total dynamite, beautiful woman.

And I boldly asked her out and she said yes.

So we go to our first date.

And at that point, I had been consuming a lot of content.

And what had been working for me to a reasonable extent was being a bit of a smartass, being a bit of a cheeky smartass, which is definitely authentic to me.

So, I thought, well, if that's if that's working with other women, I'm going to dial it up way up with, I'll call her Jessica, Jessica Alba Jr.

And I go on this first date with Jessica Alba Jr.,

and I'm like

cocky line here, teasing line here, persona.

I'm playing the part of cocky pickup artist, too cool for school, Connell.

And I remember saying things like, you know,

I'm going to go to the men's room.

Don't miss me too much while I'm gone.

I know you will.

But I wasn't saying it ironically.

I was saying it as a move.

And I remember.

What else did I tell her on that date?

We met at this really nice cocktail lounge.

It was really classy.

And

I remember I,

oh, I would tell her, oh, you totally lost points with me when you said that.

I was really liking you until you said that you are into

such and such band.

Yeah, 10 points off.

And

after a lot of, basically I was doing all this kung fu content game.

A very little, there was almost no part of the date where it was just me being normal.

Just me being normal.

I wasn't even normal.

And at one point, she looked at me and she tilted her head and said, Does this work on girls, what you're doing?

I said, What do you mean?

She's like, Does this thing you're doing work?

And she didn't know exactly how to articulate it, but she was basically saying, Why are you being so weird and fake?

She was basically saying, You're not relatable.

This persona you're putting on is not working.

And she, we did, we had a pleasant date.

She didn't leave, but the date didn't go very well and it ended and she never wrote me back.

Justifiably so,

because she didn't meet Connell.

She didn't meet this

genuine,

sometimes snarky, but also sweet, kind, nerdy golf journalist, my job at the time.

She met this persona I was putting on.

who was doing game, game, game, move, move, move.

And that was so unrelatable to her.

And that was a big aha moment for me and i remember thinking okay there's something here there's something really valuable here less is more less is a lot more and what i've since learned and this is this was literally 17 18 years ago and what i've learned in a lot of years working on myself and also my clients is

we want

way less strategy and game on a date and a lot more genuine present presence realness genuineness

you struggle with dating right sure you have a good job and cool friends but you just aren't sure how to flirt the apps don't work for you and sometimes women put you in the friend zone it's frustrating hey i struggled with dating too as an introvert and a total nerd i didn't just live in the friend zone i owned real estate there but i escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity which i've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.

It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't.

And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America.

And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.

So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.

On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend.

And you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.

No creepy pickup tricks needed.

So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

Here's a nice flip side story of that date.

Different woman, different time, different year.

But I had a first date with a woman and Rebecca is her name.

And I remember thinking, you know what?

I'm just feeling

tonight as I walked into the bar to meet Rebecca several, several years ago, I remember thinking, you know what, I'm going to lose, I'm going to forget about everything in terms of strategy.

I'm just going to be so present with her.

I'm not going to strain for any funny lines.

I'm not going to try

to impress her.

I'm not going to try not to.

I'm just going to be present.

I'm going to

let my thoughts and feelings arise.

And I'll say what I say in the moment.

And I really, I was, at the time, I was taking a lot of improv classes and I was learning about the power,

how magnetic and fun and real we all are when we get in that present moment and we just listen and we react in the moment as our true selves from a place of truth and genuineness.

And I had this first date with Rebecca and I was so funny and I didn't plan a single move or line.

I mean there were also moments when I wasn't funny.

There were moments when I was just listening and

reacting to something she said.

I was really vulnerable.

There was, oh, here's what I remember about the date.

This is not something I would ever tell you to do on a date, but this came out organically in the moment.

Things got really vulnerable between Rebecca and myself.

We started talking about our first sexual experiences.

Now,

Tread lightly here.

I am not telling you to talk about the first time you had sex, but it came up organically, no pun intended, on the date.

And I told this true, vulnerable story about the first woman, my very, very first girlfriend in college, and how

her name was Angie, my first girlfriend.

Angie, if you're out there, you're the best.

You're the best girlfriend ever, first girlfriend ever.

And I told this story about how I lied to my first girlfriend.

I was, I was embarrassed about being a virgin.

And so I told my college girlfriend that I was experienced.

And then I proceeded to

put off having sex with her because I was afraid.

I was just afraid of being bad at sex.

So Angie was always trying to hook up with me because she had had a little bit of experience and I had none.

And I kept pushing her away.

And when we finally, and this is the story I'm telling on my date with Rebecca.

Okay.

So I'm, I'm, I tell, I'm telling Rebecca about the first time I ever had sex and how I lasted

one second.

Poor Angie was waiting three months to finally wear me down because I was afraid.

And when we finally had sex, I lasted 0.000001 second

and hugely disappointing to Angie, I'm sure.

And anyway, I remember telling the story on my date with Rebecca and Rebecca was just loving every word of it because it was real.

It was genuine.

And then I forget the story she told me back, but she talked about her first time, I think.

And it was just so genuine, a true emotional connection.

We were swapping stories about our

sexual and romantic

mishaps from our youth.

And I just remember how she really loved it, that story I shared.

And I was interested in hers as well.

And I went into that date planning nothing other than just be present, just be present, just be authentic, and trust that I'm going to say and do the right things and that natural chemistry will do its job.

And I felt like I was walking on a tightrope without a net at first,

but it felt really good once I got comfortable doing it.

And that was a big eye-opening experience for me.

And I would say that I went in with zero strategy.

I would not give you a zero strategy first date piece of advice, but let's find a middle ground, what I call the 80-20 rule.

When When you go on a first date with a woman,

think 80% is just you

being genuine, sincere yourself, talking normally the way you would with anybody else.

And 20%

is strategic.

And by strategic, I just mean flirtatious, what I call mando woman.

You know, 80% is you just talking about your life, your loves, your job, your interests, asking her about hers.

Just being really sincere and genuine and owning who you are.

And then 20% would up 20% at most would be a little joke here, or sorry, a little compliment here.

Maybe look her in the eye and say, by the way, I love that you're into classic rock.

That's so charming and attractive when a woman likes old school music.

Give her a little compliment, right?

That's the 20%.

Or the 20% might be a nice playful tease.

I love playful teasing.

I do it with everybody I like.

It's not just a dating move.

My girlfriend and I tease each other all the time.

But yeah, the 20% might be,

wait, what?

You like Taylor Swift?

Oh, man.

Why do all the cute girls like the most predictable artists?

Oh, well, nobody's perfect.

Give her a cute little playful tease,

right?

You might...

There's nothing wrong with sharing a story that you know is strategically smart on a date.

I'm a big fan of storytelling and showing a window into your world.

Nothing wrong with that.

But so you might be, you might tell a story from your past that you know is good strategy for a date.

That's fine.

You can do that.

But we just want to keep it 80%.

You're not straining and trying to achieve anything.

Because what you're doing here by sort of becoming more emotionally naked is you're allowing

a realness, a warmth, a vulnerability, or whatever emotion you're feeling.

Maybe you're feeling cocky and cheeky.

Fine, be a little bit cocky and cheeky, which I feel when I'm in the zone.

You're just showing women a really, real version of you.

And women who like your type are going to really like you on that date.

And you're not going to have to use a lot of quote-unquote content and planned strategic material.

And one of the great benefits of this 80-20 rule is that this lowers the bar for how good your conversation has to be.

I was giving this tip to an incredibly awesome new client I have named Rick.

And I was saying to Rick, yeah, 80-20, 80% be authentic and normal, sincere, 20% at most

the moves, the game.

And he's like, I thought it was the other way around.

I thought it was.

80-20

flirty, gamey stuff.

I'm like, no, hell no.

Less is more.

So think of the man-to-woman, what I call man-to-woman communication.

Think of the flirty piece of this as like, like, it's

pepper, or maybe it's salt at most, but it's not the whole dish.

And Brett

was making it the whole dish.

I was making it the whole dish when I had that first date with Jessica Alba Jr.

And she was basically saying, yo, dude, if you could just be yourself,

you and I might have gotten together.

But I was too focused on projecting what I felt she wanted or needed or projecting a persona that I thought would work.

I was too outcome-based.

I was too focused on strategy, too focused on outcome.

Instead of just being present with this pretty, seemingly cool

woman who came on a date with me, and I was treating her as a strategic result I was trying to get instead of just talking to a person.

And

yeah, so that's my more philosophical tip for you.

Next first date, you go on, 80-20, okay, maybe even 90-10.

Now, we do need to make some moves, okay?

We do need to lead that dating dance.

I do want you to,

on pretty much every first date, I want you to, assuming you find a woman attractive and you genuinely are liking her, I want you to give her some sort of clear,

verbally clear statement of your

interest in her.

Tell her something you like about her and use a word that makes it flirtatious, right?

Charming, adorable, sexy, if you're feeling bold.

On my first date with my now-girlfriend Jess, I said, you know what's really sexy about you?

It's your intelligence, your wit.

You're so quick-witted and funny.

God, I love your sense of humor.

Really sexy.

And that, I think that really impacted her in a good way.

So

say something flirtatious.

Be at least a little bit, a little bit physically expressive to see how she responds.

You know, a little high five here, a little fist bump there.

Maybe you hold hands if it's going well.

Some women like physicality.

Some don't.

Read the room.

So yeah, we want that 20% to be there.

But really, it's 80%.

Just you being normal, talking about your life, what you're about, and asking her about who she is and

letting her open up.

And you need to go first as the man,

because typically a woman wants a guy to take the lead on a date, even in the area of going first and being kind of more vulnerable or flirtatious or leading the conversation.

So I do want you to lead the dating dance, but lead it from a place of sincerity and

authenticity.

And what I think you'll find, and I'll end with this, what I think you'll find

is that when you lower the bar for how good your quote content needs to be,

and you just lean into this 80%,

me being myself is 80% of a good date.

When you do that, you lower the bar for how good you think things need to be.

your content, what you say, that actually that paradoxically makes it even easier for you to be present and funny and charismatic.

That's something improv has taught me.

Improv taught me the invaluable lesson that

anything that you plan in advance

is probably not going to be as good as what comes out in the present moment.

And that's true of an improv scene, and it's super true on a first date.

My old improv coach, Sean,

he used to see me walk out onto the stage of an improv show or an improv scene.

He could just see my wheels turning of the thing I was planning to say.

And then I planned, and then I said the planned thing.

And it was robotic and stiff and usually not funny.

And Sean would say, Connel, you're way funnier and better when you just do improv, meaning present, let, listen, react,

be present.

And the same is true for first dates.

The same is true for approach.

The same is true for texting.

Talking to a woman, don't jump on chat GPT every three seconds and try to find the perfect thing to say.

Don't do that on a date either.

What I mean is don't plan everything on a date.

Trust yourself.

You might be surprised how funny and attractive and charming and magnetic you can be when you follow the 80-20 rule.

And the extension of the 80-20 rule is what I call the three three Ps.

On a first date, if you're not, if you get in your head,

if you have a date coming up and you're not sure, what do I do?

How do I make this go well?

Here are three P's, okay?

The first P is presence.

Being present, listening to her, being present to the moment, not planning too far ahead what you're going to say or do, and not overthinking, just really listening to her and listening to yourself.

So presence, so important.

Positivity is also important because you want to bring a good positive mojo to a date.

Unlike Brett, don't go to a date thinking, hope, I hope her bitch shield isn't up.

No, no, no, don't do that.

So you want to be positive, be present, and playful.

Follow those three Ps.

And oh my God,

if you're present, you're not going to be planning all your so-called moves.

If you're positive, you're going to be bringing a warm, positive vibe to her table, and that'll feel good to her.

And if you're playful that's what flirting really is based on flirting is about play so follow those three p's and also the 80 20 rule and that's more than enough for you to be thinking about on a date okay

so

watch less tick tock watch less instagram for content watch less youtube the secret to you finding your future girlfriend probably it's not waiting for you on youtube or instagram or tick tock probably

it's going to come from you

going out into the world and

being authentic, at times courageous, got to take authentic, courageous action.

But if you're courageous, if you're authentic and you bring a good, warm, gentlemanly intention, if you lead that dating dance from a positive, warm place, you're too cool not to get a great girlfriend.

But what do I know?

I've only got 20 years of experience.

Anyway, thank you so much for listening to this episode.

Don't forget, your dream girlfriend is out there.

She's going to love you, but she's going to have to meet the real authentic you.

Until next time.