The Flirty Dozen: 12 Ways to Smash Out of the Friend Zone and Spark Connection on First Dates

not, I repeat, do not

make a gangbang joke on a first date.

That's not the lesson here.

The lesson here is to be expressive and let your personality come out.

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett, helping you to flirt with confidence.

get more dates and get a great girlfriend.

And do it with authenticity, doing it as the real core you, because women like you for you.

As long as you know how to flirt and how to make just a few moves.

And speaking of flirting and making moves, today's episode is about

you, if you struggle with getting second dates.

Maybe you get first dates or there's women you like, but you can't even get a first date with her because she puts you in the friend zone or you do get first dates but you really struggle to get second or third dates women just lose interest after two or three dates let's call this the friend zone the dreaded friend zone and today's episode is all about why we get in the friend zone and how to get out of it and i'm going to give you what i call the flirty dozen i'm going to give you 12 great actionable practical tips that'll help you smash out of the friend zone.

12 of them.

Three of them are before the date, six of them are on the date, and three more are after the date so that we can smash you out of the friend zone and start getting you second and third dates and a girlfriend and women kissing you and making out with you and loving being with you.

And

that's what I want for you.

So how do I know so much about the friend zone?

Well, I used to live there.

I was the mayor.

I was a friend zone oligarch.

I was the mayor mayor of friend zone town.

I basically was in the friend zone with women until my mid-30s.

I remember so many friend zonings.

It's just so sad.

I can laugh about it now.

I was once on a date and it was going so blandly

that

she ended the date before I finished my Modelo.

I had one drink.

I was halfway done and she said, well, it was nice meeting you.

And I wasn't even halfway done with my date.

And she bolted.

I was on another first date.

And it was going so, it wasn't going badly.

It was just flatlining.

And

she left me for another guy on the actual date.

I'm not making this up.

We were on a date.

I forget her name.

It's been so many years.

Let's call her Sarah.

Sarah and I were on a date.

And it was just so flatlining and lame and boring.

All my fault.

And she saw three three or four people who happened to be people she knew and was acquainted with, including a guy she clearly was into.

And she ended up saying, well, I'm going to go over to them now.

Bye.

And she left me for another guy on a first date.

That was a first.

And

then there was a woman named Lauren.

And Lauren was a huge crush I had back in the mid-double zeros.

And this was a classic case of the friend zone because on paper, she wanted to like me.

On paper, I was her type, intelligent and funny, at least on my good days, but I just couldn't get out of my own way.

I was very eager.

I was inauthentic with her.

And at one point, I was just making stories up to try to impress her.

And she could feel me trying to impress her, trying to be somebody I wasn't.

And she friend zoned me at first.

Now,

finally, I hit a point in my life where I got some coaching, I got some help, I got some some advice, and I said, you know what?

Let's just try something radically different.

And here's the night everything changed for me for the better.

It was my first date with Katie.

Katie

was and is a beautiful woman, stylish, tall, slender, blonde.

She reminded me of a tall Sarah Michelle Geller, which is a big thing for me because I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

back in the day.

And I had a first date with Katie at this cocktail bar, fancy cocktail

very early in my dating journey of getting first dates and just trying to figure out how the heck do you make sparks happen with women.

And I told myself before that date, I said, you know what?

I'm going to try something very different.

I'm done being fake nice.

I'm done trying to tell her, trying to show her that I'm good enough for her.

I'm just going to really fully be me.

So what does that mean for me?

Well, I'm a natural born smart ass.

When I was in college, our freshman year, they gave out dormitory awards.

You know, Mr.

All-Nighter, Mr.

Party Guy.

I won Mr.

Smartass.

I am a cheeky smartass.

That's part of who I am.

And so I said to myself, you know what?

I'm tired of the friend zone.

I'm just going to go out and let it fly.

I don't care anymore.

I'm going to meet this girl, Katie, and I'm going to be a smart ass.

And it absolutely changed everything.

I remember teasing her about she was really into American Idol.

I teased her about her cheesy taste in movies.

But here's the thing.

I wasn't just being cheeky and cocky, which I was probably too much on that date.

I was also still letting my nerdy self come out.

Like I'm a big Marvel superhero guy.

I remember talking with her about the Spider-Man movies and kind of nerding out with her about nerdy topics like Spider-Man and superhero movies.

But at the same time, I was teasing her a little bit.

And I remember that when I would tease and tease her about something

that made her giggle and smile, I saw her bite her lower lip as if to say, most guys don't talk to me this way.

And she started to tease me back, banter back with me.

And I could just feel a different

chemical chemistry on this date happening.

And I remember thinking, wow, I'm really being a lot more the real me, just being a cheeky smart ass, but I'm also doing it in a way that she likes.

And it went so much better than all of my previous dates.

I'd probably been friend zoned five or six straight times at that point.

And I remember we were walking, we hadn't kissed yet.

We were walking from the cocktail bar to get a cab for her on a weeknight in New York City

somewhere in the double zeros.

And

she was giving me a different look than other women had been giving me.

And we get to this corner and we're standing face to face head on.

And she says, you really want to kiss me, don't you?

With a smile.

And of course, that's, even I at that stage could get, could read, could read that.

Stevie Wonder could read that signal.

And I could read that that signal and i realized that was her way of saying hey you should kiss me now and i moved in and i kissed her and it was a great first kiss and then the next day i said don't stop connell keep it up she liked cheeky

cheeky smart ass snarky connell keep it up a little bit and i sent her a text the next day a text that I still to this day have my clients send if they feel like it's genuine for them.

I

texted her and I said, hey, I just wanted you to know that you had a really good time last night and you want to see me again.

Winky Face.

And she wrote back, LOL, you're right.

I do want to see you again.

By the way, she later told me, Katie, she later said that she was looking at that text message with her girlfriend and they were looking at it and saying, oh, that's good.

He's funny.

That's good.

They liked it.

She liked it.

And

Katie, by the way, became my girlfriend for that summer.

She was like my summer love.

And that was a huge turning point for me.

And I think the big lesson, the reason I'm opening this episode with that story is what did I do on that date that really changed the game for me?

And what can you do?

Well, the friend zone happens when you're hiding who you really are.

You're wearing a mask.

Instead of being who you truly, really are.

And being confident in that, you hide it behind a mask of what you think that woman wants or what you think men need to be to women.

So essentially, I realized, hey, I'm going to be really emotionally open and honest how I project myself.

And in my case, I was hiding that snarky, nerdy, smart ass side of me.

I let that come out and Katie loved it.

And

that was a big turning point for me.

And I want you to have a similar breakthrough.

Now, I'm not saying you have to be snarky and cheeky like me.

That's not, that may or may not be your authentic self.

But whatever, whatever the true core real you is, we do want that side of you to shine.

One of my coaches, I met him later, but one of my coaches used to say, the true self is always shining through.

That true core you is always coming out.

So you may as well.

shine it brightly through a really bright prism and see if the woman likes the warm light of that prism.

If she does, like Katie did, then

wonderful things can happen.

And if she doesn't, that's okay too.

Okay?

So today's episode, I want to give you 12 ways, 12 simple tips to get out of the friend zone before the date, during the date, and after the date.

Okay?

Now, before I get into these 12 tips, let's just define what the friend zone is, because there's some confusion about this.

in this space of learning about dating and success with women and connecting with women.

What is the friend zone?

My definition of the friend zone is

a woman wants to like you and you want to like her and you want it to be mutual, but

you're getting in the way.

You're not escalating, connecting, flirting.

You're basically not leading the dating dance in the way.

to make a woman feel the way she wants to feel.

That's my definition of the friend zone.

The friend zone is, yeah, she wants to like you, just like Lauren wanted to like me,

a different woman.

Katie did like me.

She wants to like you, but you're getting in the way.

You're not making moves.

You're hiding your true self.

You're being timid.

You want to go for the kiss, but you don't.

You want to tell her she's sexy and amazing, but you don't.

You play it cool.

when because you think that's a good strategy.

And basically that's the friend zone.

Here's what the friend zone zone isn't.

The friend zone isn't a woman isn't attracted to you.

That's, that's okay.

You're allowed to have lots of women not attracted to you.

There is nothing wrong with that.

I, you know, there's a lot of reasons why a woman might not be attracted to you.

She might not be your type.

You might not be the sort of kind of archetype she wants in a man.

That's not about you.

That's just a taste thing.

I had a date several years ago, but long after I became a dating coach.

by this time i'd literally become world class at first dates and flirting i think i'm the best i actually think i'm the best in the world at this not that you can quantify that but if i'm not the best in the world i'm pretty damn great in my humble opinion anyway i had a first date many years ago and i did every move i know i did all the things i teach i was flirtatious I was what I call man to woman.

I was authentic.

I was fun.

Everything was, everything was, I did did everything I know how to do.

And she's, we even kissed.

And she basically said, hey, you know what?

I'm just not feeling the spark that I want to feel.

But it wasn't because I failed to escalate or failed to lead the dance with this other woman.

It was just because she wanted something that I'm not.

I think.

That's my theory.

She wanted the stones, but I'm the Beatles.

I'll take that.

I love the Beatles.

You know, she wanted tacos, but I'm pizza.

So I can't, we can't control that as men.

But what you can control are are the different ways you flirt, you escalate.

I think of it as a dance.

First dates are a dance.

And if you lead that dance correctly, you cannot be friend zoned.

You just won't be friend zoned anymore.

You may or may not have mutual romantic sparks with that woman, but you're never going to be friend zoned again as I define the friend zone.

And what you're going to see happening is all of a sudden, you're going to see what I began to see after the Katie aha breakthrough date, where I went off on this wonderful

period of my dating life where, I don't know,

75, 80% of my first dates went great.

Mutual sparks, mutual interest.

It wasn't too long after the Katie date, maybe fast forward a couple of months.

when I remember I had three really great dates,

three different first dates in three successive nights with three different women.

And every single one of them ended in a, or included a really fun,

passionate, sexy makeout.

And I remember walking home after that third date, I was buzzed from a little bit of alcohol and a lot of kissing.

I remember thinking, wow, three super cute girls and three straight nights in a row.

We made out with all.

I made out with all of them and they're all into me and I like them all.

Man, this feels good.

This feels good to have that kind of option, abundance of good options.

And part of it was ego.

Part of it was me having never felt good enough for women.

And all of a sudden I was feeling incredible about myself.

And part of it was just like the good feelings of growing into the more confident version of myself and realizing, yeah, I am enough.

I am enough.

Anyway, so what I want to do right now is I'll go into these 12 tips.

These are three tips before the date, and then six things you can do on the date, and then three more things to do after the date, sort of bookend

these

dating dance moves so that you can never be stuck in the friend zone again.

You'll start having a lot more success and also have a clear, simple game plan so that you don't just

accidentally have good dates, but you're not sure why they go well.

I want you to be in control.

or not in control, but have a lot of influence on how successful your dates are and just have a huge, awesome first date winning percentage.

So let's get into it.

Here we go.

You struggle with dating, right?

Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt.

The apps don't work for you.

And sometimes women put you in the friend zone.

It's frustrating.

Hey, I struggled with dating too.

As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone.

I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.

It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't.

And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America.

And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.

So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.

On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.

No creepy pickup tricks needed.

So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

Here are three dates, or sorry, three tips before the first date.

Tip number one is be a man with a plan.

Have a clear idea of what the date's going to be.

where it is, what it's going to be.

Women love a man who leads.

They love it love love love so be a man with a plan i started dating a woman named lorraine many years ago she became my girlfriend and lorraine gave me some incredible feedback on our first couple of dates she said i love that you plan you just tell me what where to go where we're gonna what we're gonna do and i just love that you plan you're such a good planner that really

made her notice that I am leading the dating dance.

So the simplest thing you can do is when you ask a woman out,

be a man with a plan.

Have a clear, fun idea of what a really good, fun date would be for the two of you.

Suggest a place, suggest the activity,

and

lead that first date by being a man with a plan.

Now, you don't have to put it out there in some sort of jerky, you know, hey, we're going to meet me on Friday at the Tappas Bar, 9 p.m.

Be there.

I'm not saying be that

dickishly assertive.

You can run it by her.

You just simply present it.

Hey, I have a great idea for our first date, you might say.

You love Spanish Tapas.

I love

Spanish Tapas and Sangria.

How about this Thursday, 7 o'clock?

I know a great place called the

Flying Tapas

Jar.

7:30 p.m.

Work for you, just be that man with a plan.

Women really like that, okay?

And I've never met a woman who said, Oh, Connell, you plan too much.

Stop planning so much.

It just doesn't happen.

Okay, tip number two before the first date to stay out of the friend zone is

send her some fun, light, flirty messages in advance of the date.

Think of texting.

Think of the texts you send before a first date.

They're like movie trailers, little sneak previews of the main event, and the first date itself is the movie.

So think of texting as a fun, flirty warm-up leading up to

that first date.

So think playful, think cheeky.

It's almost like you're giving her a taste of that first date energy in advance.

What might some of those text messages look like?

Well, again, you always want to be authentic.

You want it to sound like you.

But here are some examples from my life, from my dating past.

I like to crack jokes.

I like to send little messages one or two days before the date.

Maybe, I remember once I was at the gym and I texted a woman I had a date with the next night.

I said, hey, Rebecca, just so you know, I'm at the gym right now getting my pecs and biceps totally swole.

for our big date.

Put a little weightlifter emoji in there.

and then i think i added a joke parentheses nervously twiddling my thumbs just dumb dorky humor and she

about she hit me back bantered back with what she was doing to plan for our big date it just it created some fun pre-date banter

and there was another woman i dated her name is jen

This is around the same time.

This was post-Katie, my post-Katie breakthrough.

I remember I dated a woman named Jen for a while, and she just loved my snarky,

my snarky pre-first date jokes.

Like I used to send messages like,

hey, make sure you wear something tight and low cut tomorrow night so that we match.

Again, very connal, very me.

And, or I'd send like cheeky,

like almost

overly,

overly narcissistic text messages as jokes.

Things like,

just so you know,

I just got a brand new haircut tomorrow night for tomorrow night, and I'm looking really handsome.

So try to control yourself.

Okay.

A lot of that type of thing.

And I remember Jen wrote,

no woman had ever written me this.

This was before our first date.

She said, I cannot wait to meet your smart, sexy ass tonight.

And by the way, I have no ass.

I have no ass to speak of, but she was excited to meet my smart, sexy ass.

And the date went amazing.

Jen and I really hit it off.

And

impossible.

And then hopefully the movie is even better than the trailer.

So we do want to make the first date good.

But so send some fun, flirty, playful pre-first date text messages another thing you can do before the date is let's say you get to the venue and uh she's not there yet you know you get there early which is the next tip by the way you could send a message that says oh hey by the way just got here

don't worry take your time but if you're late you owe me one drink for every minute you're late But don't worry.

You know, I'm a cheap date.

That can create some fun pressure pressure on her, light, playful pressure.

Again, it's a joke.

It's always playful.

It's always a joke.

So you can send those kinds of pre-date messages, even right literally seconds or minutes before she arrives.

Okay, tip number three, these are the three pre-date tips, is show up early and

set the stage.

Get to that venue 15 minutes early.

grab a good seat and essentially get yourself accustomed to the environment.

What I've found is I'm a big planner, as Lorraine was appreciative of.

I love to plan in advance and just make sure I handle all the things that I can handle.

I can't control, at the end of the day, I can't control whether or not she's going to be into me or not, but I can control so many things.

So I would always show up early.

make sure I got to the venue and I grabbed a really good seat.

What do I mean by good seat?

Well, you don't want to be sitting across from each other like you're at a business lunch or you're having a conversation with your H ⁇ R block accountant.

It's a date.

Ideally, you want to be next to each other.

You want to be sitting next to each other.

And

that is something that you can do.

It's more conducive to make that happen if you arrive early.

and make sure, okay, I'll sit up at the bar.

I got two stools right next to each other.

That's a really good way to start a date.

I remember I would get to a really busy venue and it might be really crowded crowded and there was nowhere to stand or sit or at least nowhere to sit.

But because I got there early, 15 minutes early or so, a spot would open up, a seat would open up, then I would go snag it.

And then I was seated in a great spot for a really good date.

And the other benefit about arriving early is you just allow yourself to get accustomed to the environment.

Get to the venue early.

You could talk to the bartender or talk to people next to you.

get out of your head, get out of your phone, get into a social mode.

And by showing up early, you get in that social mode and you got a good spot for the date.

When she arrives, you're like already, you got some momentum.

You already feel confident and more in the zone.

Okay, let's talk about during the date.

Here are six.

practical actions to apply during the date to make sure you stay out of the friend zone, make some sparks happen, or at least give it a great chance to make them happen.

Number one, most importantly, be authentically you.

Be you.

Don't hide your quirks.

Own your humor.

Own your personality.

Not only do you not want to hide it, you want to showcase it.

You want to feature it, whatever that might be for you.

And I told you, I already told you the Katie story: how, hey, I decided I'm going to start showing women that I am a smart ass.

I'm snarky.

I also am authentically interested in people.

I love learning about people.

So I'm authentic when I'm really understanding, trying to learn what makes a woman tick.

Women love that.

I like dad jokes.

I'll tell dad jokes.

Sometimes I'll tell kind of raunchy jokes or almost like shocking jokes.

A certain side of me likes to be a little bit edgy or a lot edgy.

And so here's a story.

I do not recommend you copy this story at all.

This is not meant for you to mirror exactly what I did, but I want to show you the power of

being really unfiltered or at least less filtered.

I had a first date once at a bar called Tempest, a fun little dive bar.

It's gone now, but it used to be there in Chelsea, New York City.

I'm at Tempest and I have a first date.

with an absolute stunning, gorgeous, stylish, incredible woman, actually an actress

who was pretty successful and famous in Europe, in Eastern Europe.

And then she had just moved to the U.S.

to try to make it in acting in New York.

She and I connected at a self-help event.

I met her, I approached her, and then we had a first date.

She walks in.

No, so I'm waiting for her to arrive.

And it just so happens, the small little room or the little section of the bar, I happen to be sitting next to nine guys from a lacrosse practice that had just let out.

So, nine strapping young men and I are in this room.

And she walks in and sees me and smiles.

And then she looks at me and looks at all these nine sweaty, strapping young lacrosse guys and sort of realizes, well, this is interesting and unusual.

And I assessed the situation and I said to her, and this is like literally the first few words out of my mouth.

I said, oh, yeah, I thought you might want to have a gangbang with this lacrosse team and me.

And she

busted out laughing.

Now, I was taking a huge risk by saying that.

I did not know her that well.

And I was perfectly

willing and ready and able to let the date explode in that moment.

It just so happens that she has a great sense of humor and she realized I was just cracking a joke, but she loved it.

She thought it was hilarious.

And And the date went really well.

We ended up going back to my apartment and watching a clip of a movie, one of her movies, that was a big hit in Europe.

So anyway, do not, I repeat, do not

make a gangbang joke on a first date.

That's not the lesson here.

The lesson here is to be expressive and let your personality come out.

Okay, so tip number one during the date, be authentic.

That is you at your most attractive.

Okay.

Tip number two is

tell her that she's sexy.

Tell her that she's sexy.

Use the word sexy and tell her why.

If I could take the single most important piece of advice from this whole episode on how to get out of the friend zone

and compress it into the most distilled, simple tip, is during that first date, at some point, when you feel it, look her in the eye and say to her

you know what's really sexy about you

it's blank

and then fill in that blank i don't know what the blank is i want it to be genuine it's got to be specific and authentic and real

but whatever it is it's going to have an impact on her

it could absolutely smash you out of the friend zone.

In fact, I think it will.

It's hard to get friend zoned when you look a woman in in the eye and say, hey, you know what's really sexy about you?

It's the way you laugh.

You have the sexiest, most lilting feminine laugh.

Just the sound of your laugh makes me, gives me the feel, gives me the feels.

You better stop it.

I'm trying to be good.

I barely know you.

Trying to be a good boy, but you're making it very hard right now.

See what I'm doing there?

A little double entendre.

There's no way you're going to get friend zoned by that woman.

Now, she may or may not want to keep dating you.

Maybe you're not her cup of tea or vice versa.

Maybe she's not for you.

But you know what?

She's not going to say.

She's not going to say, oh man, that guy doesn't make moves.

Because remember, the friend zone happens when a woman who is trying to like you, when you just don't lead the dating dance.

The friend zone happens when you tell the woman to lead.

Women don't want to lead the dating dance.

They want the man to lead.

And so tell her she's sexy.

And to make it really powerful and deep and also classy and cool is don't make it about her appearance.

Don't tell her she's sexy because of her figure,

her cleavage,

or even her smile.

Even that's a bit cliched.

Oh my God, you have the sexiest smile.

Okay, fine.

I guess that's better than not saying it, but it's such a cliche.

Such a cliche.

Think, what is something about her that I find sexy?

A trait.

Maybe it's the way she laughs.

Maybe it's the way she looks up and to the right when she's thinking, or she bites her lower lip.

Those things can be really sexy.

It could be a more behavioral trait or

a quality that she's revealed about herself during the date.

The fact that she

has done adventurous, bold things.

You know, she backpacked through Europe by herself when she was 19, or she

is deeply intelligent.

Her intelligence, her wit is coming out loud and clear to you on that date.

Look her in the eye

and summon all your courage, even if you're scared, and say, you know what's really sexy about you?

You're so intelligent.

I think intelligence and wit are so sexy.

It's so refreshing to see that on a date.

And just

let it land.

Lean into it.

It's okay.

Women want you to tell them they're sexy, mostly, as long as you're doing it from a truthful place

and you're not doing it for a result so much as you're doing it because you're expressing something that's just real and there.

And of course, you're going to say that.

Another quick story.

I was on a first date with a

young woman.

I think she was,

yeah, 22, 23, brunette, curvy, cute, stylish.

She had a little bit of Olivia Rodrigo vibe long before Olivia Rodrigo was around.

Anyway, we're on a first date.

And again, this is post-Katie.

So I had a nice big breakthrough, but I still had a lot to learn.

And I remember this woman,

the Olivia Rodrigo lookalike.

I remember there was something I was trying to, I was trying to tell her she was sexy, but I was pussyfooting around it.

I was like, oh, really?

You do X and Y.

Oh, well, I think women who do those things are

sexy.

And she said, and she leaned toward me.

She was trying to help me.

She was coaching me.

She leaned toward me and said, so, Connell, are you saying that I'm sexy?

She was kind of like

waving, almost waving at me with her hand.

It's okay.

You can tell me.

She was, it was really cute.

She was trying to coach me into saying, you can call me sexy.

It's okay.

And I said, yes, you are sexy.

She's like, good.

Anyway, so if you really want to smash out of the friend zone, tell her she's sexy.

And tell her it's about and find a reason for it that's not just skin deep.

Okay.

Her wit,

her intelligence, her bravery,

the way she does things.

I had a first date once with a really wonderful woman from South America, from Peru.

And her name is Claudia.

And I remember I said, hey, you know what's really sexy about you?

I love your laugh.

And I told her why I loved it.

And I could just see her swooning a bit.

So, okay, tip number, well, let's see, we're up to number one, two, three, four, five.

Here's tip number six total, but we're in the middle section.

We're on the date now.

So these are the six tips on the date.

So this is three of six for on the date.

So tip number three when you're on the date is be physically expressive.

Some light, playful, appropriate touching that matches the vibe.

I know you know this.

You've heard this before.

Maybe you've heard it from me.

And my favorite, simplest, most practical tip for how to touch and how not to touch on a date is simply keep it like kind of light and G-rated.

during the entire date, but also just have it, or mostly, or at least at the beginning, depending on how great the chemistry builds, but have a reason for the touch.

That's the secret, having a reason for the touch, as opposed to a random putting your hand on her thigh or knee for 20, for 30 seconds for no reason.

That feels creepy and weird to women.

But if you have a reason for the touch, if you're making a point, and you're expressing it and you say, oh, so that's why I went to grad school as you touch her shoulder when you say that.

Or you check out her jewelry.

You take her hand for a few seconds and look at the ring she's wearing and say, oh, this is a cool ring.

What's the story here?

Or

I had a first date with a personal trainer once.

This might have been an approach.

I think it was an approach, actually.

It was an approach.

We're chatting.

We're flirting.

Turns out she's a personal trainer.

And I said, oh, no way.

Make a muscle.

I want to feel your muscles.

And, you know, she put her arm out and I touched her muscles.

Totally made sense.

And then she touched my muscles.

And now we're touching each other's arms five minutes in.

That's a good starting point.

And physical touch, it's not that it's a one size fits all.

A lot of women like physical touch and many women don't.

And that's okay.

And so you want to think of it as,

let's climb these stair steps of physical touch.

Let's see how does she respond when I high-five her?

How does she respond when I touch her shoulder?

Does she like it?

Does she touch me back?

Great.

Then you can do a little bit more.

A little bit more might be you throw your arm over her shoulder and whisper in her ear something and then pull back.

Or

a little bit more might be she's talking, you're talking, and you brush the hair out of her eyes.

You don't call it out.

You just do it.

And then of course,

during the course of a date, the ultimate escalation would be eventually maybe holding hands.

Typically holding hands will come before a first kiss.

And then, of course, you move in for the first kiss, which I'll get to in a second.

So

physical touch, at least to an extent early on, it sends a signal to women that this guy is comfortable enough to touch a little bit.

And hey, it is a date.

The idea here is if everything goes well and you're both into it, eventually you're moving toward intimacy at some point.

So why wouldn't you move toward that with some physical touch?

If you're sitting on your hands literally and figuratively, then you're basically asking to be put in the front zone.

Okay.

All right.

The fourth of the

tip number four from the first date tips, being on the date themselves, is be playful.

Have fun.

Flirting is about playing.

In a word, flirting is playing, or in three words, flirting is playing.

So play together.

Play a quick game of two truce and a lie.

You can do a staring contest.

You can improvise fun, playful games in the moment.

I've done things like, okay, look around the room and tell me what guy here you would like to be on a date with besides me.

Who's in distant second behind me?

You know, you could do something like that.

So you can, if you, you want to inject some playfulness into dates.

Women spend their whole day before they meet you.

She's dealing with her boss.

She's stressed out.

She's in a logical,

stressed mindset to a large extent.

We all are, you know, the boss is a jerk, problems at work, stress of life.

And

she's going on a date with you.

She doesn't want more

logic and information.

She wants to play.

She wants it to be fun.

So that's what we want to bring to her table on the date.

We want to play.

So have some fun ways to play.

My go-tos are staring contests, thumb wrestling,

fun little word games, fun little

fun little teases and jokes.

And I just like to get really in the moment.

And by the way, here's a quick tip.

If you have the, ever have the opportunity, I highly recommend you go take an improv class, at least for a one-off, a one-time class and see how you like it.

Practicing improv concepts and improv comedy, it helped me so much much become more playful, funnier, wittier, and just more playful in the moment.

Because improv is about two people playing, and a first date is about two people playing.

Okay, tip number five for being on that date is be vulnerable.

Share a little bit about you, a story from your past.

about

something that doesn't make you look good,

but you can laugh about it now.

Be a little bit vulnerable.

Confess something.

Again,

keep it G-rated or PG-rated at most.

But there's something real powerful about vulnerability,

of being willing to put something out there that might not make you look good at the time, but now that you're looking back on it, you're able to laugh about it.

You're able to have perspective and it might show that woman, oh, wow, this guy's really grown.

It also shows that you're not trying to impress her.

It shows that you are trying to be really real with her.

So vulnerability could be, now beware of talking too much about past relationships because we don't want to do that for very long on a date.

But on first dates, I used to talk a lot about my failed nine-week marriage.

I talked about being a fat little kid.

I was a fat, chubby grade school kid.

They teased me.

My name is Connell Barrett.

This kid, Eric Sundermeyer, called me corn corn oil bear fat.

So

I'll talk with some vulnerability about being a dorky, unpopular with girls, chubby, red-headed, loser.

Not loser, but okay, not the cool kid in school.

That kind of vulnerability is pretty powerful.

It could be as simple as talking about something you suck at.

Remember, so many other men.

She's meeting, they're trying so hard to impress her.

They're trying to talk about their money, their cool Rolex watch, their cool boat they own.

They're trying so hard to impress her.

And it's so, it's, it's transparent.

You are not trying to impress her.

And by not trying to impress her, that's as impressive as fuck.

You're cracking jokes, you're being real, you're just being raw, real,

talking about things that

you feel and believe, confessing when you don't know something, be vulnerable, be really real.

You know,

if I don't know something, I'm not afraid to admit it.

I'll say, no way,

you teach

Shakespeare's romances, romance plays.

Gosh, I don't know anything about those.

Which one should I read?

Educate me.

Be vulnerable about things you don't know.

And of course, when you do know something, when you are an expert in something that's totally fine too you're you're allowed to talk about things you're good at things you know about but vulnerability is really powerful on a date there's something really attractive about a guy who's got the strength to be vulnerable and

talk about things in his life from his past that he's up as long as you're conveying it through the lens of, hey, we're all doing our best here in this crazy, in this crazy world.

And by you being vulnerable and raw and real, you're giving her the green light to do the same.

And when you've got two people, you and her, who are being really emotionally naked,

that's how you get actually naked eventually, or at least it helps to.

And tip number six for on the date is go for that first kiss.

Go for the first kiss.

Assuming you want to.

And assuming you think she's had a relatively good time.

I'm not saying you always have to go for a first kiss.

If you know the date hasn't gone well, don't try.

You know, that date where the woman left before I was done with my Modelo, no, I didn't go for it.

I did not go for a first kiss.

But

if I'm on a first date, it's a nighttime sort of kind of your classic nighttime drinks, dinner type of date, or some activity date.

You absolutely should go for a first kiss, assuming you want to and assuming you feel like she's had a reasonably good time.

What I mean is don't overly look for all these signals that have to be there.

Remember, your job as the man is to lead the dating dance.

Dating is a dance.

You lead it.

So don't look for 17 signals that have to be there.

She twirled her hair.

She licked her lips.

She puckered her lips.

Look, those signals are nice when some women give them to you, but you can also just freaking go for it.

Just go for that first kiss um i was on a first date once with uh a woman named maya maya is a wine expert what do you call it sommelier someli sommelier and maya and i had a first date and she wasn't giving me that many signals

but she was present we had a couple glasses of wine we sat next to each other it was a little bit of touching nothing crazy but a little bit and we were walking i was walking her to her place.

And I remember thinking, oh man, I hate, I hate waiting until I get to a girl's door to go for the first kiss.

That makes me feel like I'm in, I don't know, high school or something.

And so she and I are walking at night.

It's a Friday night, sorry, Saturday night.

We're walking next to a park and there's like a grated fence, a grate grating, a fence.

And I remember thinking, I don't want to wait till I get to Maya's doorstep, doorstep, like we're 17.

And I just said, Hey, let's stop here for a second.

And we stopped.

And I simply turned toward her and I said, I just wanted to do this.

And then I leaned in and I kissed her.

And

then I pressed her up

with her clear consent, pressed her up against the fence.

And we had a really sexy makeout.

Her knee is exploring places.

And

it was really hot and sexy.

And we had not kissed once at all.

We hadn't really,

I hadn't really quote unquote escalated things until that moment.

And once upon a time, I would have gotten in a friend zone with somebody like Maya.

Why?

I would have been looking for all these signals.

And then I would have not made a move.

And then we would have ended the night with a hug and she would have lost interest because guess what

wimpy passive cowardly connell was afraid to lead the dance and make a move but i remembered the core idea of leading the dance and uh maya and i had a really fun sexy awesome make out we stopped there i i brought her back to or i dropped her off at her place we kissed again and we ended up dating later i mean having more dates but man it felt so good to just say hey you know what i'm gonna follow a simple rule i'm gonna go for a first kiss because I think the date's gone well enough for me to make the move.

And

that leads to sort of a core philosophy I have, which is this.

You are never,

almost never going to lose that woman by going for a kiss and getting a cheek.

Worst case scenario?

Meh, maybe she's not into it.

Maybe you're not her type.

Or maybe she's just not ready to kiss yet.

But you're not going to lose points by going for a kiss.

you will lose points you will lose women if you want to go for that kiss but you fail to take the chance because you're afraid

i know because this happened to me many times i had a few different women basically tell me sorry connell you had your chance i had a first date with a woman named brandy And I remember it was our second, maybe our third.

It was at least our second date.

And I just hadn't even made any moves yet.

And we had this perfect moment on a park bench in a New York City park where I could have, should have, and wanted to go for the kiss, but I didn't.

The moment passed.

A few minutes later, I awkwardly tried and she pulled back and said, no, sorry, you had your chance back there.

Sorry, dude.

And that was it.

So

candid feedback from Brandy, but really valuable.

And I've also had the opposite where I went for the kiss and she turned the cheek, but she liked it.

Maybe she didn't, maybe she wasn't ready to kiss me yet.

Maybe she didn't like PDA.

So I've never knowingly, as far as I know, I've never lost a woman's interest in me by going for the kiss and getting the cheek.

But I know I've lost many

by not even trying.

Because guess what?

When you go for it, You're showing her that you're the kind of guy who goes for it.

That's what she wants.

Women want a man who women want men who step up and go for it.

And part of my whole, my overall philosophy here about radical authenticity is you authentically want to kiss her, right?

And you're trying to give her something that you hope she wants.

So

get rid of any thought in your mind that it's creepy and weird to go for a kiss without an engraved invitation.

No,

what's creepy and weird is to be on a date with a girl you find gorgeous and cool and interesting and to not even try.

That's what reads.

I don't think it's creepy and weird, but it reads as timid and

passive at best, or at worst, weird and creepy to women.

Women like a man who goes for it.

Okay.

So don't forget, make those moves.

Okay, those are the six moves on the first date.

And now we're going to go to the three moves you can make after the date to make sure you stay out of the friend zone.

Okay, so after the date, send a playful, flirty follow-up text.

You can do it that very night if you want to.

Don't wait until two days.

By noon the next day, I want you to send a flirty, funny, cheeky, some kind of text message that makes her smile.

Okay, now what that message should say, that's up to you.

A couple of the messages I love to send, well, there's the one I invented with Katie.

I love it.

You could always send a message to the girl saying, hey, just wanted you to know.

You had a good time last night.

You want to see me again.

It's a classic.

You could also send her a message.

It just says something like, hey, I had a blast with you last night.

You are a great kisser.

And

I like that.

You're also trouble.

And I like that too.

Something like that.

You could do something more humorous.

You could send her a text message.

Do the accidental text on purpose where you pretend like you're texting somebody else, but you send it to her.

Hey, mom, dad, guess what?

I met the most amazing girl last night.

I just hope she doesn't find out I still live in your basement.

Fingers crossed.

You could go silly humor like that.

You could just go sincere.

Oh my God, last night was incredible.

I love getting to know you.

You're such a cool girl.

Such a cool chick.

Can't wait for date number two.

Here's my rule, though.

Send it anytime you want after the date ends.

You can send it before you get home.

It's not thirsty to let a girl know you had a good time.

It's not needy to let a woman know you enjoyed her.

It's actually a gift to give her.

You're giving her the gift of a compliment.

You're giving her the gift of clarity.

This man likes me.

You're letting her know where you stand.

That's our job.

That's our jobs as men.

Lead that dance.

I've texted women that very night saying, hey, this is my chill,

non-thirsty, non-try-hard message to let you know that I think you're pretty incredible and I might want to see you again.

Winky face.

Women love that kind of vulnerability.

So send it anytime you want.

Anytime before noon, send it to her by noon the next day.

Okay.

If you wait longer than that, you're going to come off as a game player, potentially.

You're going to come off as a guy who's trying to make her worry

and

ignore

idiotic, stupid,

cliched, toxic advisors, mostly men, who say, don't text her for two days.

Make her wonder if you like her, be mysterious.

Women don't want mystery.

Women aren't looking for mystery.

They're looking for a good guy like you.

They're looking for a solid guy with his life together who's got the balls to let a woman know he likes her and he's interested and that's beautiful.

So don't play games.

Don't listen to the whole be mysterious thing.

Okay, the next post-date move to make is ask her out again if you want to.

Let's assume you want to ask her out.

Make your interest known.

Ask her out and do it within two days, no more than that.

You can do it less.

You can send her that next message by noon and say, and then follow up by asking her out.

Again, it's not thirsty.

It's not needy.

You're a highly desirable guy.

You're a guy with options.

You're a great guy with so much going for you.

So there's nothing thirsty about that.

If you had a date with Gal Gado, If you had a date with Olivia Rodrigo and Gal Gado, if Wonder Woman texted you the next day and said, hey, I had a really good time last night.

I want to see you again.

How about this Friday?

Would you say, oh, Gal Gado, so needy.

She's so lame.

No way, Gal Gado.

Of course not.

You'd be like, yep, let's go.

And I subscribe to that same philosophy.

Show that clear intention.

That's actually really sexy to women.

So make your interest known and do it within two days or so.

You don't have to ask her out the very next day.

If you want to let it breathe for an hour, or sorry, for a day, that's fine.

But yeah, if you want to let, if you want to see her again, let her know.

It gives her clarity, it gives her certainty about where she stands with you.

Okay.

If you look, assuming she's a fairly

quality, attractive, interesting person, she has got plenty of other options if she wants them.

So if you wait, some other guy is going to step in.

So

do your job.

Ask her out again.

And

one last bonus tip here, or tip number three for after a date,

you want to avoid shifting back into like friendly, safe mode.

In other words, whatever was working on the date and whatever was working before the date, keep doing it.

Keep the good vibes going.

How often should you text her after a first date?

It depends on you and her vibe.

My girlfriend Jess and I, we texted 30 times before our first date and we texted 30 times after.

That's us though.

You might not have that kind of frequency and love banter as much as we do, but I would say you want at least,

here's a good guideline is at least once every two or three days, you send her a text message.

that makes her smile, maybe a joke, a callback from the date is a great option.

Do a callback.

Talk about something funny or silly from the date, or something she did that was cute, or something you did that was funny or embarrassing.

Just call back to the things you laughed and joked about on the date.

And basically keep the good vibes going, right?

Keep the good vibes going.

And essentially, this will basically help you.

help propel you toward date number two.

No more friend zone.

And you are now, you have led this dating dance.

And if after you make all these moves,

if she says, hey, you know what?

I've been thinking and I don't know, I'm not feeling that we're a good fit or I'm not looking to date right now, then as long as you made all these moves, as long as you've been leading this dating dance, that's not the friend zone in my book.

Now that's going to be pretty rare, but it will happen sometimes.

Don't freak out.

Don't be afraid.

Connell's advice doesn't work.

No, it even happens to me or happened to me the last time I was single.

Not every woman I had a first date with, I even had dates where I kissed, I kissed, we kissed.

I did all the moves.

And then I got the couple times, I got the whole, hey, I'm not really feeling it.

That's more about

what she wants in a guy, not.

Connell, you failed to escalate and make the moves.

But the vast majority of my dates

have gone really, really well because of all these tips I've shared with you.

Okay, so super quick recap.

What have we learned today?

We've learned that the friend zone is something that you can willfully get out of

by knowing how to make these moves before a date, on a date, and after a date.

And if I could condense everything I've shared in the last however long this has been going on, 45 minutes or so, to a few sentences, it would be tell her she's sexy

be yourself be authentic

flirt with her let her know she's interesting be yourself be vulnerable and go for that first kiss and let the chips fall the chips are going to fall somewhere women just like a guy with the the the strength the courage to be themselves And women love a guy who is solid and big-hearted and a gentleman like you, but who also has the courage and the growing confidence to leave that dance.

And that's how you stay out of the friend zone.

Okay, thank you so much for listening.

Until the next episode, don't forget, your dream girlfriend is out there and she's going to love you, but she's got to meet the real authentic you.

Till next time.