The Shy Guy’s Advantage: 5 Approaching Secrets to Help Introverts Confidently Connect with Women

am so introverted, I RSVP'd maybe

to my last birthday party for me.

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I'm your host, dating coach and best-selling author, Connell Barrett.

I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend.

All by being radically authentic, being yourself, not using sketchy, weird, pickup artist nonsense.

And today I am talking to you, my fellow introvert, my fellow shy guy.

If you're shy or introverted, I'll bet that approaching women feels pretty much terrifying, right?

Well, the good news is that you don't have to be super extroverted.

You don't need to be some outgoing life of the party to confidently meet women in real life and to do it like right away.

So today I'm going to show you five simple,

let's call these shifts, five shifts that you can make to understand that you as an introvert, not only can you approach and connect with women, actually, if you're a shy introverted guy, you have some huge advantages, some edges over outgoing, more naturally extroverted, more naturally outgoing guys.

So, I'm going to give you five simple techniques, five shifts that you can make to get you approaching and getting some phone numbers and dates with some pretty wonderful women.

Also, stick around until the very end at about the 22-minute mark, give or take.

I'm going to share my favorite, almost rejection-proof icebreaker that women love that you can use pretty much anywhere.

So,

again, I'm a dating coach.

I'm an introvert, a nice guy, a shy guy, naturally.

And

what I do is I help men like you

connect with women without having to be somebody you're not

and getting really good at confidently approaching and flirting with women.

I've helped hundreds of guys all over the world approach thousands of women, get lots of dates, lots of girlfriends that way.

And again, take it from me: a card-carrying introvert.

Shy guys,

introverted guys can do amazing with women.

Yeah, I am so introverted, I RSVP'd maybe

to my last birthday party for me.

I'm so shy.

How shy am I?

I'm so shy that when the elevator doors close on people, I applaud.

I am so shy that Trappist monks yell at me, hey, live a little.

I'm shy.

I'm shy, I tell you.

Okay, dumb jokes over.

Let's dive into into five simple shifts that you can make today, because I want to help you approach women anywhere and to do it with real charm and genuineness and not using weird, awkward pickup lines.

So here is shift number one.

Your shyness is your superpower.

If you're like most guys, you think that being shy or introverted is a weakness, but it's a strength.

In reality, women love it when a shy guy approaches them, as long as he does it in an authentic way, a genuine way, and he really commits to it.

The reason is because it gives women a rom-com movie moment.

You know, you're nervous, sure, like think Hugh Grant in any number of Hugh Grant rom-coms from back in the day.

You're nervous, you're shy, but you're still brave enough to say hello.

And that shows women something.

The mix of vulnerability and courage it takes to walk up to an attractive woman and

to be yourself while doing it, this sets you apart from guys

who use a lot of weird scripted pickup lines.

Now that said, shy guys like you and me do need a little bit of warming up to grow confident.

So try this tip.

When you are going out to meet women, before you start approaching women, warm up.

Warm up your social muscles.

You can

chat up with the barista, the cashier, the bartender, male or female.

Talk to people in low-pressure situations before you start quote-unquote approaching women.

You know, let's say you're at the gym and there's that really cute girl you see there often and you're thinking, okay, if I see the yoga cutie today, I'm going to go talk to her.

Well, a little small talk with, say, the personal trainer at your gym or the person who checks your ID as you walk in, make a little chit-chat with them.

That's going to get you out of your head and into the present moment.

And it's going to make it so much easier for you to break the ice with that dynamite girl you've been crushing on as she's walking out of her yoga class.

So, give yourself some warm-up icebreakers during the day or at night before you go out to approach a woman.

And

here's a quick story of me doing that.

When I first started working with my coaches back in the day, and to this day, when I take my clients out to a lounge, to a bar, or sometimes we go out during the day to bookstores, I will have them do two or three, two or three quick little warm-up icebreakers.

So for example, I took my client Vikram to Barnes ⁇ Noble once, and he was really dealing with a lot of approach anxiety.

So first I had him talk to the information woman behind the desk and just talk about books, not hitting on her, just having normal social conversations.

Then I had him walk up to a stranger, not someone he was attracted to, but just engage in a basic social present conversation so that he could get comfortable in his own skin.

He could break the ice inside of himself.

Before you break the ice with a really attractive woman, you have to break the ice inside of you first.

That's going to make it go so much better with her.

And then, after Vikram warmed up a little bit, he had some social momentum.

Then he walked up to a really cute, attractive woman at the magazine rack, and it went so much better.

He was so much more confident.

So, warm up first with some low-stakes icebreakers before you go over and approach a woman with that romantic interest.

Okay, shift number two

is don't fear your nerves, feature them.

There's an incredible power in walking up to a woman and saying,

hi, I'm not sure what to say to you, but I had to meet you, even though I'm shy.

Hi, I'm Connell, or whatever your name is.

This can work really well.

It does work really well because it's honest, it's vulnerable, and it's proof that you actually don't have to say something amazing, something witty.

Women aren't responding to your content.

They're responding to your worth, your value as the good man who you are.

And so you can simply lead with the truth, even if that truth is that you're nervous.

Great, go tell her that.

I remember my own personal aha moment many years ago.

I was early, early on on in my approaching journey.

So, this would have been the late double zeros.

I was at a rooftop bar here in Manhattan, and I saw a dynamite woman wearing a silver dress.

She looked like Jennifer Beals,

my crush from Flash Dance.

And I just remember I could hear my coach, my coach's voice saying, when in doubt, just speak your deepest truth.

And I walked over to her and I said, hey, excuse me, I had to meet you.

I'm actually pretty shy, but I wanted to say hi to you.

I'm Connell.

And there was something about that honest, authentic expression of how I was feeling.

It made me stand taller.

It made my voice sound more confident.

And I was just leaning into who I am and leaning into

my nerves, basically featuring my...

my nerves instead of fearing them.

And she cocked her head and said, yeah, right.

Yeah, you're real shy.

Hi, I'm Amy.

And she was into me.

And I was like, oh my God.

I said to myself, whoa,

by telling her I'm nervous and shy, you can get a really gorgeous woman to like you.

She thought it was a line,

but she thought it was a line from a confident guy.

Turns out it was the truth from a scared shitless guy.

But because I was leaning into it, something

snapped into place and I just came off as this confident guy.

And it went great.

I got her phone number.

I remember walking home that night, looking at her number on my phone, thinking, wait, so you can just walk up to attractive women and tell them you wanted to meet them, be genuine, and that works?

Really?

Wow.

And yeah, it does.

It really does.

That was a big aha moment for me.

And

I love helping my clients have the same kind of aha moments.

And so I do in-person in-person approach coaching with my clients, and we do it in bars and lounges.

And I do it about once a month here in New York City.

And I'm basically, I play wingman for a whole weekend.

I help my guys go out and talk to beautiful women and then I give them tips along the way.

And I was once coaching my client, Trevor.

We were at a fun, lively bar, a place called Gem

in

where is it?

Murray Hill area of Manhattan.

So Trevor, at the time, he was terrified of saying the wrong thing.

Trevor, a pretty naturally,

maybe an ambivert,

largely introverted.

He can be outgoing, but largely, largely introverted in a social setting with a lot of people.

And Trevor was terrified of saying the wrong thing.

And so I told him, here's what we're going to do.

For the next hour, you're going to walk up to women and you're just going to tell the truth.

You're going to say the most truthful, honest,

nervy thing that you're feeling, whatever it is.

It's an exercise in vulnerability.

And I was expecting Trevor to have to talk to women, do 10 approaches in an hour.

I thought it was going to be like a gauntlet.

He walks up to the first pair of women he sees.

He walks over.

to a very pretty brunette and a very pretty blonde friend of hers.

And he walks up and he just says, hey, hi, I'm Trevor.

And I don't know what to say to you.

That was his opener.

I said, speak the truth.

He said, I don't know what to say to them.

And so he went with that.

He did it.

And about three, four minutes later, he was holding hands with and kissing one of the women, the brunette.

They hit it off, obviously.

She just loved his honesty.

And it just goes to show that you don't have to lead with incredibly great content.

You don't need the perfect thing to say.

Actually, if you just lean into saying something that you're nervous about, lead with that.

There's a real power in

leading with what you're afraid of.

Now,

this won't work forever if you do it because you want it to work.

I want you to do this.

Yes, it'll probably work really well, but I want you to do it because it's about

expressing that authentic, truthful self, letting that come out.

So try this.

Here's your tip.

If you're not sure what to say to a woman, don't hide it.

Use it.

Walk up and say, hi, I'm name.

I'm not sure what to say to you, but I wanted to meet you.

And then let the chips fall.

They're going to fall somewhere.

This is nuclear-powered vulnerability, and it's going to make some women's jaws drop.

It's real, it's rare, it's brave, and a lot of women love it.

And even if it doesn't work, quote unquote, if she doesn't instantly give you her phone number, want to date you, that's okay.

It's not supposed to work every time.

It's going to feel so good to you, bro.

It's going to feel so good for you to just let go of having to say the perfect thing and walk up and say the truthful, real thing.

Be real, be raw.

Keep it G-rated.

But other than that, be real, be raw.

So don't obsess over finding the perfect line.

What matters isn't the script, right?

It's you taking right, courageous action from an authentic place.

You struggle with dating, right?

Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt.

The apps don't work for you.

And sometimes women put you in the friend zone.

It's frustrating.

Hey, I struggled with dating too.

As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone.

I owned real estate there.

But I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.

It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't.

And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America.

And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.

So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me.

On our call, I'll tell tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.

No creepy pickup tricks needed.

So, go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

And that actually is what we're going to build on in the next tip,

right now, which is about using your presence as a superpower.

Here comes shift number three.

Shift number three is use my authentic icebreaker, not planned pickup lines.

So don't use planned pickup lines.

Use what I call my authentic icebreaker.

I want you to ignore all those pickup guys who give you these cheesy rehearsed lines to use on women.

You know these guys.

They're on YouTube.

They're all over Reddit.

And the thing about planned pickup lines is,

sure they give you the first thing to say.

I guess that's something.

But they're tryhard.

They often come off as creepy because typically they come out of your mouth in a robotic fashion, which feels

creepy at worst.

At best,

it feels robotic.

And so planned pickup lines just don't work very well.

Instead, I advise you use what I call my authentic icebreaker.

It's actually pretty simple.

Here's what I mean by the authentic icebreaker.

Instead of planning a script for what to say when you break the ice with a woman, you let yourself be spontaneous to the moment and let an authentic opener organically arise.

Here's how you do it.

You give yourself three simple choices of how to break the ice.

based on what's happening in the moment.

All right, so I'm going to give you option A, option B, and option C.

This was always going to be at your disposal.

I'm not going to give you the line.

I want you to be spontaneous.

I'm going to give you three options, and then the right thing to say will come out of the spontaneous moment for you.

And that's going to work so much better than something you plan minutes, hours, or days in advance.

So

option A, give her a G-rated compliment based on what you like about her, her style, what she's doing.

So maybe you're at a bar and her choice of jacket impresses you.

You might say, hey, that leather jacket looks really sharp.

You have great style.

Now, women love it when a guy notices something about her that's more than just her looks.

So that's option A.

Give her a G-rated compliment.

Option B is you assess the situation and you ask her an appropriate question given where you are.

So let's say that she's in line next to you at a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon.

You might say to her, so what are you thinking today?

Iced coffee or hot coffee?

That's an appropriate question.

Appropriate question.

It's almost impossible to get that rejected.

What's she going to say?

How dare you ask me what kind of coffee I'm getting, creep?

No.

In the unlikely event that she says something like that, she's the weirdo, not you.

So option B, ask an appropriate question given where you are.

Or you assess that situation with the woman you want to talk to and go with option C.

Option C is you make a playful observation based on what you see.

Basically, you notice what you notice and have some fun with it.

Now option C is going to depend on you noticing something a little bit unusual.

or some kind of contradiction, a little specific thing that's just different.

I once saw a woman standing outside a yoga studio.

She had a yoga mat in one arm and she was smoking a cigarette with her other hand.

And that's an inherent contradiction, right?

So I said, ah,

nothing like a Marlboro red after a mastering downward-facing dog, right?

She laughed and she blushed a little bit, as if to basically say, okay.

you caught me you caught me so that's option c so again to recap the situation, you see a woman, you find her very attractive, your brain is going to tell you, what do I say?

What's the perfect line?

Then there is no perfect line for every situation.

The best thing to say is you choose either option A, option B, or option C based on what you observe in that moment.

Either A, give her a G-rated compliment.

based on what you like about her, like her style.

Option B, ask her an appropriate question, given where you are.

Or option C, make a playful observation.

This allows you to authentically channel how you're feeling in that moment.

You might be feeling really confident in the zone.

Let that authentic confidence come out and that'll inform your icebreaker.

Or you might be really nervous.

You might be in your head.

You might be scared to death and there's nothing wrong with that.

If that's the case, then that will inform what what you say.

So I'm a big, big, big fan of not planning your opening line, but you still have this nice simple system, ABC, framework, to tell you what to say in that moment.

Because think about it.

You don't go through life planning what you're going to say to people in every situation, right?

I mean, you don't.

Plan what you're going to say to your best friend.

You don't plan what you're going to say to your coworker.

You don't plan what you're going going to say, at least not every word, to somebody you work with.

Maybe if you have a presentation or if you have a big job interview, look, I get it.

There are parts of life where you're going to do some planning.

But for the most part,

you go through your life being pretty spontaneous.

And I don't want you to plan what you're going to say to a woman either.

Don't plan cheesy pickup lines to meet women.

Be spontaneous and let that authentic icebreaker arise in the moment.

Okay?

And by the way, once you stop worrying about the perfect opening line, then you can focus on something that women find super sexy, super attractive, which is your genuine presence.

Let me show you how right now with shift number four,

give her a present, your presence.

Okay, so now you've broken the ice with a woman.

You're an introvert, you're a shy guy, but you said, hey, you know what?

I'm going to go talk to her.

And

you walked up and you went with either A, B, or C.

You've broken the ice with her.

Now what?

Well, be present.

Be present to the moment.

And that will be a great gift that you get to give her as well as yourself.

And here's where your natural shy slash introvert tendencies become a huge strength for you.

As an introverted guy, you're not the loudest or flashiest guy in the room.

I know I'm not, but that's a huge strength because here's what you are.

Most introverts like you or me, you and me, we're really good at listening.

We're very present.

We're really good at one-on-one connection.

You might not be amazing at standing in front of the room and feeling like the most commanding guy there, but

You are really good at 101 present connection.

Now, most other men are in their heads trying to say the right thing, trying to be flashy.

But as an introvert, you're really good at simply listening and responding to what she's saying.

Or you can become good at this if you use the tip I'm about to give you.

And by being present in the moment with her, that's going to be so attractive to her.

And guess what?

When you're really present and in the moment with somebody in a social situation, especially an approach,

then you're going to, when you get present, you're going to become your most confident self because you're not thinking five minutes in the future.

You're not thinking two minutes in the past.

You're in that present moment with her.

So being present makes you instantly charismatic to women who like your type presence.

That is such a powerful thing.

Now, you've heard that before.

I'm not the first guru who's probably said to you, be present.

Be in the moment.

How do you do it?

Here's a tip to help you get present with her or with anybody for that matter.

Use what I call the echo technique.

The echo technique.

When

she shares something, listen as hard as you can and repeat a key word or phrase back to her.

Ideally, the last few words that she just spoke.

This is a tip I learned taking improv classes.

It helped me so much in improv, but it helped me even more in regular social situations and approaches.

So the echo technique, you listen and you repeat back a few words that she said to you, perhaps the last few words.

So for example, you're chatting, you're a minute into the conversation, you still feel those nerves, but you're trying your best.

And she might have said, oh yeah, I just got back from brunch with some friends.

You say,

brunch with friends.

Very cool.

And then add something to it.

My favorite brunch item is eggs Benedict.

What's yours?

So you listen, you repeat back a few words, and then you add to it or ask her something about it.

This shows that you're really listening to her.

It shows that you're present with her, not performing for her.

And by the way, when you're truly present, she's going to feel it.

And it makes it easier.

for you to feel confident, to create a spark, and to move to the final step, the final shift shift here today, shift number five, which is

ask her for her number the right way.

What's the right way to ask a woman for her number?

Well, a woman wants to feel that you approached her because, sure, something about her caught your eye, but she also wants to know that it's not just about her looks.

So you're going to want to make it clear that you're asking her out not just because she's pretty, but because you sense something special about her.

You know, her vibe, her intelligence, her sense of humor.

This helps to make a woman feel flattered, not objectified, or quote, hit on.

All right.

So here's a huge tip.

I usually only give this to my clients, but here on the podcast, you're my podcast client.

Here's your tip.

Before you ask for her number, give her a character compliment.

Tell her about a trait that you find charming, winning in her in some way.

Her wit, her intelligence, the quirky way she tells a story, something.

And you're going to use this character compliment as the bridge to asking her out.

It might be something like, you know, she cracks you up and you might say, let's say she's into dad jokes.

She's got a dad jokey,

pun-based sense of humor, like my girlfriend does.

You might say to her, Wow, I really like your sense of humor.

I thought I was the only one who liked dad jokes.

And then you ask her out, hey, you know, I'd love to get coffee or a drink with you to get to know you better.

Take your phone out.

What's your number?

So again, give her a character compliment.

The character compliment is powerful because it tells her that you have high standards and that you're not going to ask just anybody out, right?

You're going to ask out a woman who seems to be special to you.

or that shows you something and you want to get to know her better.

That is so attractive.

That is so attractive.

Think about this.

It's the thirsty guys, it's desperate guys

who need a woman to like him.

That repels women.

But you are going to be the guy who gives her a character compliment, who tells her that

you're telling her that you're liking something about her.

You're basically saying to her, you might be in my league.

And I can't wait to find out.

That's irresistible to women because you're not fawning

at her with her above you and you below.

You're equals, you're, or maybe you're equals.

She might be in your league.

Let's find out.

The vibe that women love that leads to phone numbers and dates from approaching is this.

The vibe they love is, oh, wow, a nice good guy, maybe even a little bit on the shy side, came up to me because he's confident in who he is and because I'm pretty.

But he's asking me out because he sees something special in me.

Oh, man.

You master that and you are in the 0.01%

of straight single men.

It is absolutely irresistible to women.

Okay, and let me share with you my go-to icebreaker that works almost every time.

almost every time.

And it works great for introverts too, just like you and me.

I remember the afternoon in Miami many years ago, when I did this opener, and I usually don't teach scripted openers.

I will make one exception in this case, just because this one is so good.

But I was in Miami and I walked up to a woman and I said this to her, the opener I'm about to give you.

And after I said it, she looked at me like I was Ryan Gosling.

Her jaw dropped.

You would have thought I just gave her a winning lottery ticket.

She was absolutely over the moon that I approached her and said this to her.

So here's what I say.

Here's what I said, and here's what you'll say if you want to test drive this one.

You walk up to a woman and you say, hey, excuse me, I'm in a great mood today, and I had to share it with somebody interesting.

I'm name, what's yours?

I'll repeat it one more time.

Hi.

I'm in a great mood today and I had to share it with somebody interesting.

Then give her your name and ask her what hers is.

That's all.

It's that simple.

It works because it's not pickupy.

It's not an agenda.

It's not weird.

It also works because I think two core elements make this work.

It's genuine and it's generous.

Genuine and generous.

You're not trying to get something from her.

Trying to only get what you want.

That.

That repels women.

You're purely giving.

You're sharing your good mood.

You're offering to share it with her.

You're telling her she's interesting, perhaps.

It's just so vulnerable, direct, but also gentlemanly and classy.

It's generous and genuine.

And this is what I mean by radically authentic.

By being a radically authentic man, it's giving to women in a real warm, generous, and gentlemanly way.

And when gentlemen give to women, women want to give back.

All right, let's wrap it up there.

By the way, I am a dating coach for men.

And for the next two months, I am about to take a short sabbatical to write my second book.

My second book is all about flirting.

And if you would like to talk with me about possibly finding out if dating coaching is something that can help you approach women, go to datingtransformation.com.

You can book a free call to speak with me because before I take my sabbatical to start writing my second book, I'm still going to be taking on a couple of more clients.

So go to datingtransformation.com if you would like to do a free consultation to find out if this Connell Barrett guy is as good at coaching women as he says he is.

Anyway, datingtransformation.com, book the free call button there.

Oh, by the way, if you don't want coaching, if you just want something fun, free, and valuable, shoot me an email.

Email me at connell at datingtransformation.com.

I will send you an e-version of my book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't, for free.

No strings, no mailing list, no

spamming you.

I'll just send you a PDF of my book just because I'm proud of it and I love sharing my book with men who want to confidently approach women or just get great girlfriends.

So email me, connell at datingtransformation.com, and I'll send you a free copy of Dating Sucks, but you don't.

All right.

Until next time, remember, your dream girlfriend, she is out there and she's going to love you, but she's going to have to meet the real, authentic you.

Till next time.