From Boring to Banter! 5 Flirty Banter Secrets that Create Instant Romantic Chemistry

Speaker 1 Don't be the guy who's trying hard to seduce women. If you want to be seductive, make her the one who's trying to seduce you.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am dating coach and best-selling author Connell Barrett.
I am here to help you flirt like a champ.

Speaker 1 Make sparks happen on dates and get a great girlfriend and do do it all by being authentic, your true best self. And today I have a really fun episode.

Speaker 1 Today is going to be all about how to talk to women, how to make sparks happen and get really good at banter. I like to talk about what I call the seven dating superpowers.

Speaker 1 There are certain things in dating that are just super powers that can make dates and your dating life reach whole new levels in your search for getting a girlfriend.

Speaker 1 And one of the superpowers is amazing magnetic banter. It's not required.
You don't have to be the world's greatest banterer to get a great girlfriend, but it's a hell of a good superpower to have.

Speaker 1 So today's episode is for you if you struggle with talking to women.

Speaker 1 If you try to flirt, but it gets awkward, gets boring to her.

Speaker 1 If you can feel women lose interest when you're talking to them or texting them, then I want to help you fix that.

Speaker 1 So what I'm going to give you today is I want to give you five secrets to getting really good at flirty banter.

Speaker 1 This makes it easier and simpler to have good, fun, light conversations with women and get dates.

Speaker 1 And the cool thing about these five flirty banter moves is you can use these both in real life and on the apps. This is for all parts of dating.

Speaker 1 And I want you to stick around. Hopefully you'll listen to the whole episode.

Speaker 1 But I'm especially excited about the fifth secret, secret number five, banter and move number five, because once you learn the fifth move that's coming up in about 15 minutes, you're never going to run out of things to say again.

Speaker 1 And let's get to it. Let's dive right in.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to get right to the coaching today, and let's start with banter secret number one.

Speaker 1 Flirty banter secret number one, tease her the right way, not the wrong way. What do I mean by that? Well, I am not the first dating guru who has ever said anything about teasing, right?

Speaker 1 You've probably heard this before. Teasing can work wonders with women, but if you do it the wrong way, it's easy to offend women.

Speaker 1 So you never ever want to tease women about something that could cut deep in a personal way.

Speaker 1 Her looks, her weight, how much she drinks.

Speaker 1 My client Nick had a tough time once on a date. He had a second date, a first date with a woman, and she ordered a third drink on the date.
And he was trying to tease her.

Speaker 1 And he jokingly called her an alcoholic. She got so upset, she ended the date right then and there.

Speaker 1 And she never spoke to him again after that night because she had somebody in her family had dealt with alcoholism. And she took that kind of thing very personally.

Speaker 1 And I am not immune to screwing this up myself. I remember I approached a woman one time and she was walking her dog.

Speaker 1 She had this cute little shih tzu and I was trying to be cocky, cheeky, connal, which is very authentic to me. And I teased her about her dog and I compared her dog to a little rat, a sewer rat.

Speaker 1 She was not into that at all. It just was harsh and cruel because, hey, a woman's dog, anybody's animal, pet, it's like their baby.
It's like their kid. It's like I called her kid a rat.

Speaker 1 Who would ever want to date a jerk like that? So anyway, I learned these lessons the hard way. So the secret here is you want to keep teasing to light topics and surface level topics.

Speaker 1 You know, tease her about a nerdy hobby. Tease her about her

Speaker 1 questionable taste in music or movies. I'm a big movie guy.
I'm a bit of a movie snob. I remember I once said to a woman on a date.
when she told me legally blonde was her favorite movie.

Speaker 1 I was like, what? Legally blonde? Are you crazy? I don't know if I can date you anymore. She liked it.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 another avenue for a teasing, fertile teasing territory is if a woman does something klutzy on a date and tease her for that. Klutziness is not something most women take

Speaker 1 deeply personally. I once took a date out to a fancy sushi place in New York City, a place called Nobu.

Speaker 1 Incredible, a wonderful woman named Jen. Hey, Jen, if you're out there listening, I won't use her last name, but she's wonderful.
Anyway, we went to Nobu and she kept dropping sushi on the floor.

Speaker 1 And at Nobu, that's like 20 bucks per piece of sushi. I said, Jen, if you keep dropping sushi, I'm not going to be able to pay my rent this month.
This stuff is expensive.

Speaker 1 We need to get you chopsticks lessons. She loved the teasing.
The next day I was texting her, hey, how did you do with your breakfast today? Did you keep dropping your spoon into your cereal?

Speaker 1 So I kept it up because she really liked it. So tease women about harmless surface level things.
You know, if her first concert was Nickelback, roast her for that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that's the secret to teasing, just surface level things. By the way, here's an important note about this episode in general, but also about teasing in particular.

Speaker 1 I want you to think of any and all of these banter moves as pepper in a dish, not the whole meal.

Speaker 1 These five banter techniques, these should not comprise the majority of your conversations with women, at most 20%, at most, maybe even less.

Speaker 1 Think of banter as pepper in a dish, not the dish itself, especially teasing, because teasing is a very specific kind of banter that works with lots of women, but not all.

Speaker 1 Not every woman wants to be teased. So, and also just take a less is more approach to this because your goal on any date with banter and conversation, it's not to be a performer.

Speaker 1 Banter is just, it's like frosting on the cake, but the cake is your authentic self. Women like you for you, not your game, not your banter moves.
So I just wanted to say that.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's move to banter secret number two. Make her the seducer.

Speaker 1 Make her the seducer.

Speaker 1 What does that mean? Well, first, here's what not to do.

Speaker 1 What not to do when first talking to, bantering, flirting with a woman. Don't try to be all seductive by getting sexual really soon.
That's generally not going to work, generally.

Speaker 1 This is actually how you creep women out. By making vulgar comments about her body, treating her like an object, or talking about sex way too soon.
That's not sexy.

Speaker 1 That's not seductive for the vast majority of women. Here's what works really well.
Often,

Speaker 1 make her the seducer. Here's what I'm talking about.
Basically, you take something that she says, something very innocent, and you playfully misinterpret it as her trying to seduce you.

Speaker 1 It's a playful misinterpretation. It's a fun role reversal that lots and lots of women love.

Speaker 1 Because for once, she gets to play the part of the pursuer think about this you know this is how dating works right men we're the ones making moves we're the ones pursuing basically typically so when you flip it around and jokingly accuse her of trying to get you in the sack oh man that feels surprising it feels cheeky and it feels a lot of fun to lots of women so let's say she says something like hey you need to meet my you need to meet my cat oliver He's a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 Now, you have to be in her apartment to meet her cat, right? Or her house. So you could grin and say, hey, look, I know you're trying to get me to your place, but I barely know you.

Speaker 1 Let's take it slow, okay? I'm not ready to adopt your cat and move in with you just yet. Okay, it's a joke.

Speaker 1 This is obviously a joke. This is not intended for her to think.
You are literally saying she's trying to seduce you. It's a playful misinterpretation.
Or here's one I use many times.

Speaker 1 You're on that first date. She looks down and compliments your shirt or your outfit.
Hey, I like your shirt. I like your look.

Speaker 1 You could misinterpret that as her objectifying you and say, excuse me, my eyes are up here. Excuse me, please don't treat me like a piece of meat.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So you're flipping that male-female dynamic and playfully accusing her of objectifying you.

Speaker 1 And this basically does a lot of good things at once. It sends a subtle message.
that you're not like other guys.

Speaker 1 It also keeps the, it also pivots the conversation in the vicinity of sex, but not literally about sex, which is a bit of a red flag.

Speaker 1 If you just talk about sex too soon, that's a red flag with lots of women. If you accuse her of trying to seduce you,

Speaker 1 you get plausible deniability of talking about sex.

Speaker 1 And by the way, as a bonus, some women get so into this fun little role reversal. It's so refreshing and cheeky.
that they actually commit to the whole seducer role.

Speaker 1 I once dated a woman named Roxanne who loved this kind of banter.

Speaker 1 And it was the first time I ever had a woman straight up say to me, Let's go to your place.

Speaker 1 It was our second date, and she leaned in and said, Hey, let's go to your place. I want to show you more of my moves.

Speaker 1 And she ran with that role of being the seducer, and she actually ran with it. And we went back to my place because it would not have been gentlemanly of me to say no, right?

Speaker 1 So remember, don't be the guy who's trying hard to seduce women. If you want to be seductive,

Speaker 1 make her the one who's trying to seduce you. Okay, now banter secret number three.
This one is so damn easy. It's like you can apply this today, tonight, your next date, your next conversation.

Speaker 1 Banter secret number three, use the best banter topics.

Speaker 1 And there are five of them. I'm going to give you five great banter topics.
Another big mistake guys make is they think, oh my God, I have to be witty to to banter. I got to be witty.

Speaker 1 I have to be funny. I have to be clever.
I need great content. You don't.
You don't. You don't need to be a stand-up comedian.
You don't need amazing content.

Speaker 1 You just need to stick to what I call the five best banter topics. Because just by staying in the right topics, that keeps the conversation in a light, playful place, or just light.

Speaker 1 And that's really all banter is. It's a light conversation about a light topic.
That's all banter is.

Speaker 1 So here are five great topics that will essentially guarantee that banter is happening, or at least make it 90% banter likely.

Speaker 1 Number one, topic number one, talking about her hobbies and your hobbies and interests. People love talking about what they're into.

Speaker 1 People just love talking about their interests and hobbies. So you can ask her, what do you love to do for fun?

Speaker 1 And share what you love to do for fun. If you went on America's Got Talent, you could ask her, you could say, if you went on America's Got Talent, if you went on AGT, what would your skill be?

Speaker 1 She'll tell you her talent. That's a great topic to talk about.

Speaker 1 Just make sure that whatever topic, whatever interest or hobby that after she talks about hers,

Speaker 1 make sure that you share your own as well. Make sure you share what you're into.

Speaker 1 On my first date with Jess, my girlfriend, we talked a lot about her favorite hobby at the time was dancing. She was taking dance classes.
She's a very, very good dancer, appearing in music videos.

Speaker 1 We talked about her dancing. We talked about my improv.
Great light topics to talk about. Topic number two, food and drink.
Food and drink. Jess and I bonded over Italian food on our first date.

Speaker 1 We chatted about cooking Italian food. She talked about what a good cook she is, which she's amazing.
I'm not a great cook, but I've traveled. I've been to Italy.

Speaker 1 We talked about travels to Italy, my travels, and her recipes. We also talked about things we disagreed about.

Speaker 1 Banter

Speaker 1 can be lightly confrontational, playfully confrontational. We debated about how she loves mushrooms and I hate them.

Speaker 1 We debated about how I love ketchup, or at least I like ketchup. She hates ketchup.
She hates it. So we talked about that.
So food and drink will always lead to a nice light combo about shared tastes.

Speaker 1 Another third topic is pop culture. Think TV, TV shows, movies, music.
I once had an incredible date with a woman who used to be in my improv class.

Speaker 1 I'll call her Rebecca, not her name, but I'll call her Rebecca. And all that Rebecca and I did one night after improv class, we were kind of eyeing each other in class.

Speaker 1 I could feel a little bit of a vibe. And then we had a group hang after improv.
And then it was just the two of us at the bar. And we just bantered about the Beatles.
She loves the Beatles.

Speaker 1 I love the Beatles. We talked about basically books and the Beatles, pop culture.
I remember we had a fun little debate about the most underrated Beatles song. Underrated.

Speaker 1 Hey Bulldog is a John Lennon-written Beatle song that we both agreed was a very great underrated song. We just bantered about this stuff for 90 minutes and then went back to my place and

Speaker 1 improvised. a two-person scene, you might say.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I didn't, I can't say I use any fancy, fancy moves with her. We just bantered about the Beatles and books.
that was more than enough

Speaker 1 topic number four funny stories from your youth and her youth tell her true stories from your childhood these are great light topics to talk about

Speaker 1 ask her hey what were you like as a kid what are some of your favorite memories from childhood and you can share your own of course So I've shared this one many times on many dates.

Speaker 1 When I was in fourth grade, I dressed up as a clown for Halloween. And I showed up to school with the the whole nine yards, the big white painted face and the floppy shoes and the horn.

Speaker 1 But so I get to school and I realize I'm there one day early. I'm off by one day for when it was dressed up for Halloween day.

Speaker 1 So I'm the only kid dressed up for Halloween. So there I was,

Speaker 1 a clown in more ways than one sitting in math class. Which is kind of traumatic, I have to say.
Maybe that's why Pennywise is so damaged. Pennywise wasn't evil.

Speaker 1 He just showed up one day, the only one dressed as a clown. Trauma turned him evil.

Speaker 1 Topic number five, fun what-ifs.

Speaker 1 Ask playful hypotheticals to get the two of you talking about fun what-ifs.

Speaker 1 This is a great banter topic. Ask her things like, what actor would play you in the movie of your life if you could cast anybody?

Speaker 1 And answer answer that question yourself, who would play you in the movie of your life? For me, of course, it would be Brad Pitt because we're identical twins.

Speaker 1 Or you might ask her, if you could have dinner with anybody who ever lived, who would that be?

Speaker 1 Or you could ask her, this is a little bit heavier, but it's still positive. You could ask her, what was the best day of your life? Or

Speaker 1 if you could go back and relive the best day of your life, what would that be?

Speaker 1 So these kinds of hypothetical fun what-ifs spark stories and laughter and help the both of you open up.

Speaker 1 Those are five topics to lean on. Here are three topics to avoid.
Politics, heavy social issues. That's no bueno.
Complaining about work, which is easy to fall into.

Speaker 1 Not you probably, but a lot of women might come and meet you at the date.

Speaker 1 Not that women do this and men don't, but if you listen to my podcast, you're probably already aware of good topics.

Speaker 1 But if she is like complaining about what a long, tough day she had at work, that's when you would jump in and change the topic to something better.

Speaker 1 And don't talk about exes, or at least in great depth. Don't talk about bad breakups or too much about past relationships.
Those are bad topics. Okay, now let's move to banter secret number four.

Speaker 1 Number four,

Speaker 1 spark chemistry. with sarcasm and irony.
Use sarcasm. If you're not using sarcasm, that's a mistake.
If being sarcastic is part of your personality, if it's not, you can skip this one.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying everybody needs to be sarcastic and ironic, but a lot of people are, but they play it too safe on dates. A lot of guys are afraid to be edgy, afraid to be a little bit dry.

Speaker 1 So yeah, be a bit snarky, be a bit sarcastic if that's part of who you are.

Speaker 1 Many women love a guy who can sprinkle in a bit of irony, a bit of sarcasm. It shows edge.
It shows confidence. So a super quick definition.

Speaker 1 Irony is when you say the opposite of what's clearly true and you say it in a very deadpan playful way. Sarcasm is basically the same as irony.

Speaker 1 It's conveying the opposite of what you mean, but there's an edge. There's an attitude in your voice.
So basically, irony is very dry.

Speaker 1 Sarcasm has bite.

Speaker 1 That's the difference, right? So for example, here's irony at work. Let's say on a date, she looks incredible, but she says, oh, I wasn't sure about this outfit.

Speaker 1 And you look at her and you dryly say, oh, yeah, you definitely don't look stunning. You're not drop dead gorgeous at all.

Speaker 1 She'll know you mean the opposite of that. So you're basically telling her she's gorgeous without being direct about it.

Speaker 1 Not that you can't be direct, but there's something cool about. about conveying what you mean in an indirect way, or at least it's cool with a lot of women.
Now for sarcasm, same basic rules apply.

Speaker 1 You can actually use sarcasm by text as long as you like underscore what word you're being sarcastic or you use all caps in the right way. Let's say she texts you, I love lazy Sundays.

Speaker 1 You could reply with a little snarky text.

Speaker 1 Oh yeah,

Speaker 1 who wants to lounge around all day? eating Cheetos and watching Netflix. That's the worst,

Speaker 1 all capped worst. You're using sarcasm to convey the opposite.
The key with either sarcasm or irony is just understand that clarity is important.

Speaker 1 She must understand you're being sarcastic.

Speaker 1 Beware of irony and sarcasm. If it's too subtle, she won't get it.
You want to be crystal clear.

Speaker 1 Actually, Jess and I, my girlfriend, we basically told each other how we were really feeling about each other using irony. I remember she was going on a trip a couple, a few weeks into our dating.

Speaker 1 She was going on a trip. And I said, hey, I just want you to know that when you're gone, I'm not going to miss you.
I'm not going to think about you every day. I'm not really into you.
And

Speaker 1 I'm not going to miss you a lot.

Speaker 1 And she said the same thing back.

Speaker 1 That's sort of like our flirting language. Okay.
And let's go to number five. I love this one.
Here's an advanced move. that will absolutely leave her aching for a second date with you.

Speaker 1 And also, it's going to help you never run out of things to say. Banter secret number five.
I call this the playful pivot. The playful pivot.

Speaker 1 This is when you bounce from fun topic to fun topic in a very natural way. And women love this because

Speaker 1 the conversation bounces around, moves, and pivots. in a very spontaneous, unpredictable way.
It's kind of like you're taking her on a verbal bumper car ride.

Speaker 1 She wonders, where's this going to go next?

Speaker 1 Now, not every woman is looking for this, but when she loves banter and she loves great conversation, ah, women absolutely go crazy for this.

Speaker 1 On my first date with a wonderful woman named Emily, who later became my girlfriend. This is back in the mid-teens.

Speaker 1 We bounced around from topic to topic. Our date ended.
We're outside of, we met at this bar. We sat up at the bar, had a couple drinks, just bantered, bantered, bantered, pivot, pivot, pivot.

Speaker 1 And our date ended with a kiss in the rainstorm, very sexy, very romantic, under this awning on a rainy night. And she said,

Speaker 1 I have the, she said, after we kissed and she got, before she got in the taxi, she said, I

Speaker 1 have the most amazing floaty feeling right now. I remember that phrase, floaty feeling.
I feel really floaty. She was just feeling the feels.

Speaker 1 And I believe she was describing in part the light, emotionally connected vibes that the playful pivot can give women. So here's the playful pivot.
Here's what you do.

Speaker 1 During a date, you start, you listen, you get present, and you grab a word or a phrase that one of you says, and you use it to pivot to a new fun topic. I'm going to do a demo for you.

Speaker 1 just to give you an idea. So I'm actually going to go much faster than you need to go, but I'm going to do do this as a demonstration to make a point on a short podcast episode.

Speaker 1 So imagine you and her are deep into a first date. You're like 45 minutes in.
You've had a drink. You're both into it.
You're relaxing. Here's how the playful pivot might go.

Speaker 1 She says, oh, yeah, I just got back from Italy. You say, nice.
What was the best thing that you ate? She says, the pasta in Rome was incredible. Then you say, oh,

Speaker 1 you must be a pasta snob now. Do you judge people who go to Olive Garden?

Speaker 1 She's like laughing. She's like, well, kind of.

Speaker 1 And then you might say, oh, speaking of judging, what's a pet peeve you have about going out to eat? So that's the magic phrase, speaking of judging.

Speaker 1 So I grabbed a word that I said, judge, or that you said, this hypothetical you.

Speaker 1 Speaking of judging, what's a pet peeve you have about going out to eat? So I've changed the topic from Italy

Speaker 1 to going out to eat. And now we're in the area of pet peeves.

Speaker 1 She said, oh, people who chew too loudly is my pet peeve. And then maybe I say, or you say, oh, I'm the same way.
So I guess dinner with a cow would be your personal hell, right?

Speaker 1 And then she says, oh, cows are so cute. I would enjoy that.

Speaker 1 And then I would say, or you would say, speaking of cows, I just watched Twister. So I'm pivoting from the topic of cows.

Speaker 1 Cows make me think of the movie Twister, where there's a cow being blown into the air by the tornado.

Speaker 1 Speaking of cows, I just watched Twister. Remember the flying cow scene? I love that movie.
What's your favorite movie ever? You would ask her.

Speaker 1 Now you've pivoted from

Speaker 1 dining Italy to pet peeves while eating. to movies to her favorite movie.
And she might say, oh, the notebook.

Speaker 1 And then you would say, again, I'm not saying you should say this. I'm just giving you a hypothetical.
Then you would say, the notebook, oh my gosh, that is such a chick flick.

Speaker 1 Why do I always pick the cutest girls with the worst taste in movies?

Speaker 1 And then she might giggle and say, hey, come on, I like what I like.

Speaker 1 And then I'd say, or then you'd say, well, I'll get over it. It's not like you're very charming in other ways.
Speaking of movies, who should play you in the movie of your life?

Speaker 1 And then she answers from from there. And now we're talking about the actor.

Speaker 1 Who should play her in the movie? So you might need to rewind this podcast and listen to this again. But if you go back and listen,

Speaker 1 not only did I change the topic for three or four times, at the very end, I also teased this hypothetical woman on the date. I teased her for her taste in movies.
but I also called her cute.

Speaker 1 So I'm weaving in different ways of bantering because when you master the playful pivot, you move from topic to topic. You can combine different banter techniques.

Speaker 1 In this example, I did teasing, sarcasm, and a fun what-if. I teased her for her taste in

Speaker 1 movies.

Speaker 1 I sarcastically said she's not really charming, meaning I think she's charming. I also called her cute, by the way, and I asked her a fun what if.

Speaker 1 So I wove in three or four little techniques while also playfully pivoting and this is what can give women that incredible floaty feeling so this was some nuanced advanced flirting stuff for this fifth technique if you if if you just want to go to the basics don't worry about the fifth one but you might want to rewind and listen to move number five because it's pretty fun to get deep with this.

Speaker 1 And again, the cool bonus of getting good at the playful pivot is once you can playfully pivot to a new topic you're never going to run out of things to say

Speaker 1 because the reason why guys run out of things to say one of the reasons is they run out of what to talk about for that given topic but if you never run out of topics you'll never run out of things to say and by getting competent at the playful pivot you'll never run out of topics so you'll always know what to say because you can always just switch to a new topic anyway thank you so much for listening to this episode of how to get a girlfriend Until next time, we'll talk soon.

Speaker 1 Bye.