What’s YOUR Dating Superpower? Discover the 7 Attractors that Make Women Want to Date You

She left me for a handsome guy on a Harley.

Something you don't want to hear on your honeymoon is,

oh, hey, I think I saw your wife on the back of this guy's Harley.

Welcome to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

I'm your host, dating coach Conal Barrett.

I'm a dating coach for men.

I help successful, established guys flirt with confidence, get dates, get a great girlfriend, and do it all by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed.
Here's my question for you. What is your dating superpower? You might not know what they are.
You might not have even thought you have dating superpowers. If you're like a lot of successful, established guys, you're actually struggling with women and dating.
You're not sure how to talk to women or how to connect or how to meet them. Or maybe you're just not confident when it comes to talking to that gorgeous, classy woman, especially if you're shy or introverted.
There's a really good chance that this is the one area of your life that's not working. And today's episode is about how to identify the seven dating superpowers.
And if you just activate any one of these, you're going to start having some really fantastic changes and improvements in your love life. Okay, anybody on our side hiding any shocking

and fantastic abilities they'd like to disclose? I'm open to suggestions. And if you get two or three or more going for you, all the better.
You do not need to know all seven or be good at all seven, but you need at least one of these dating superpowers, ideally maybe two. One or two is plenty.
So who am I? If you're new to the podcast, I'm the real life hitch. If hitch was a skinny, shy ginger who used to suck at dating.
I coach men who struggle with dating. I help them get confidence.
I help them get matches, find love, get great girlfriends, help them approach women. And if you struggle with dating, dude, I've been there.
My heart breaks when I see a guy struggling with self-doubt, with loneliness, with feeling like this is just that one part of life, that one puzzle piece of life that's not working for you. So I know what that's like.
I know what that's like. So before I get into these seven dating superpowers and how to approach them in short-term ways, let me share a little bit about me because I bet my story resonates with you.
I'll bet we are on the same page here in a lot of ways. I know exactly what it feels like to feel lonely.
Once upon a time, I was lonely and dateless well into my 30s. I could not approach women.
I struggled on the apps. I once went six years without a date.
I was frustrated. I felt isolated.
I just felt like I wasn't that guy who women went for. And when you believe you're not good enough, when you're this skinny, nerdy ginger who I've just felt like wasn't that cool, muscular, handsome guy who women want, I thought I was too shy, too introverted, just too nice.
That just made me feel like I was less of a man. So my low point was I actually married the one woman, the one quality woman who wanted to be with me.
I married her. I didn't want to,

but I did. I was settling.
And she actually dumped me nine weeks after our wedding. She left me for a handsome guy on a Harley.
Something you don't want to hear on your honeymoon is, oh, hey, I think I saw your wife on the back of this guy's Harley. Not a good scene.
I joked at the time that our marriage was over so fast that we fought for custody of the wedding cake. But I was joking through the tears.
Basically, I felt rejected by all women at that point. It really hurt.
And what hurt most was this thought that maybe love just wasn't in the cards for me. Maybe I just wasn't meant to find somebody.
But basically, I had a realization. I decided this is not how my romantic story is going to end.
So after I brushed myself off, I got back up on the horse and I said, okay, it's time to take action. So what I did is I spent about five years training with some of the top dating experts in the world, learning the art of male-female connection.
I literally traveled the world, New York, London, Stockholm, Barcelona, New Zealand. I traveled the world going to seminars and working with different coaches and taking lots of action.
And in time, I cracked the code. I cracked the code of romantic connection.
And my love life transformed. I dated some incredible women.
I've approached thousands of women. I've gone on a thousand dates.
I've dated models. I've dated celebrities, sort of.
I've dated dream girls next door. Lots of women have asked me to be their boyfriend.
I'm not saying that to brag or try to impress you. I'm really not.
Big man in a suit of armor. Take that off.
What are you?

Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. I'm saying this to impress upon you that you can

learn to fix and improve your dating life, your confidence, your flirting ability.

You can absolutely change this area. And I'm so excited to have the dream girlfriend in my life.
My amazing partner, Jess, who pops up on this podcast occasionally, Jessamyn, the love of my life. My dream girl, my Shmoopy, that's our nickname for each other.
So anyway, I want you to have the same success. I want you to find your dream girlfriend.
And in my 13 years now as a dating coach, I've helped guys in 21 different countries gain confidence, flirt, and get a great girlfriend. So please know, as I head into talking about these seven dating superpowers, I want you to know that you don't have to be some perfect alpha male to succeed in dating.
You don't have to be great looking. You don't have to be super wealthy.
You don't have to do amazing game and lines and do this toxic, stupid bullshit that so many male pickup type dudes still coach to this day. You don't need to do all that.
And you don't need ripped abs either. Women like you for you.
Women like you for the authentic you. The most attractive version of you is what I call the radically authentic you.
That's you at your higher self, confident in the zone, feeling amazing, superhero inside of you who we can wake up and have him approach women and him flirt well. And that's what I did.
And that's what I help guys who listen to this podcast do. So think of this podcast as I'm your dating coach.
I'm your podcast dating coach. I'm here to help you flirt, get confidence, get dates, have hookups, have flings, have emotional connections, date with integrity, and find real love.
And find a woman who likes you for you. Do this all with respect for women, with integrity, telling the truth, being not the same, and no sketchy pickup nonsense.
So that is all my preamble into talking about today's main teaching, which are the seven dating superpowers. I was thinking about what I wanted to share with you today, and I said, what are the seven most powerful dating attractors that I and my clients and I have used to have amazing connections with women? And I came up with this list of my seven dating, of the seven dating superpowers.
Any one of these can make you absolutely incredible with women, or at least take things to the next level. Get good at one of these seven and your dating results are going to go up at least one notch.
Get good at maybe two or three and some incredible things can happen. And don't worry, you don't need to get good at all seven of these superpowers.
You can. It took me years.
You can. You don't need to get great at all seven.
You just need to have one or two that you're really good at. I'm a comic book nerd.
I'm a Marvel movie lover, and I love Star Wars. I love the Marvel movies.
I love superhero stories in general. Truth is, I am Iron Man.
Basically, yes, I'm talking about superpowers today, but you don't have to be Superman. Think about this.
Superman has every superpower, but you don't have to be Superman, okay? You need to be Batman or Iron Man or maybe Wolverine. You just need to be like one of those superheroes who masters one or maybe two of these core strengths to be unstoppable because that lifts you up above

other guys in the eyes of women and your dream girlfriend, she is out there. It's just a matter of who she is and when you meet her, especially if you apply these superpowers.
Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. So here we go.
I'm going to break down the seven dating superpowers.

Another way to put these, to describe these might be seven attractors. These are things that make women very attracted to men that kind of spark a natural inherent attraction that women see in men, straight women see in straight men.
And the great thing about these is most of these you already have inside of you.

They just might not be developed yet. Okay? So let's get your potential unlocked.

And before I dive in, there's one superpower that is not on the list. So the overarching superpower

or attractor, the biggest one of all is authenticity. Your most attractive self is your most radically

authentic self, something I talk about in my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And it's something I talk about on a podcast all the time.
So I'm not going to mention authenticity as one of these seven because in a way, authenticity is like the force in Star Wars. It's the force that you're filtering through all of these different lenses, and essentially your authentic self is coming through in all of these different superpowers, okay? So don't forget, what makes these seven dating superpowers work is that you are conveying it as your best, most authentic self.
Okay, here we go. Dating superpower number one, fearless approaching.
Fearless approaching. And what I'm going to do for each of these is I'm going to give you an instant tip, something you can do right away, something you can apply immediately today, tomorrow, this weekend.
I'm also going to give you a longer term tip because some of these superpowers need to be developed over time. So here we go.
Dating superpower number one, fearless approaching. You confidently walking up to a woman and starting a conversation without hesitation and with little to no fear.
Butterflies maybe, but no real. This was the biggest dating problem that I needed to fix back in the day.
I used to be so petrified of approaching a woman. The idea of walking up to a beautiful woman and approaching her, it felt horrifying to me.
In fact, the very first night I ever went out to approach girls, this is actually in the first chapter of my book, I went into the men's room stall before I approached a single girl and I had a panic attack. I was shaking.
I got dry heaps all because of fear of rejection and how that might feel. So I had to learn how to do this.
So I'm not coming from a place of I'm the shit. I can approach women because I'm naturally good at it.
No, I had to learn how to overcome my fear. So here's an instant tip to help you do that.
I want you to use an old school move called the three second rule. The three second rule is you simply make an adult decision to walk up to that woman in three seconds or less from the moment you see her.
You have to take immediate action. When you see a woman you want to approach,

approach her within three seconds before that fear kicks in. Because if you wait longer than that,

you're going to overthink it. You're going to find reasons not to talk to her.
Your brain is

going to get in the way. You're going to get in your head.
And if you get in your head, as the

saying goes, you're dead. So the longer you wait, the heavier the weight.
Trust me on this. So instant tip, follow the three-second rule.
You're at the coffee shop. You're at the gym.
You're at the bar on Friday night. You see that woman, three, two, one.
Before you get to zero, I want your feet to be moving toward her. This will keep your brain from freaking out too much and get you in action mode so you can say something to her.
Okay, something is better than nothing. And the beautiful thing about the three-second rule is you can do it over and over again and you start to get more disciplined about it.
It becomes more habitual. Here's what I used to do.
I used to walk into a venue, and I would walk around the venue for about 25 minutes trying to figure out, let me get a drink. Let me go to the bathroom.
Let me go get another drink. Let me go text somebody.
And before I knew it, 45 minutes had passed. I hadn't approached a single girl.
And then I was pretty much in my head. I couldn't do anything.
So follow that three-second rule, okay? That's your instant tip for fearless approaching. Now, you're not actually going to be fearless at first.
But if you approach within three seconds, that fear is going to, you're going to cut it off before it takes you over. Now, that's the short-term tip,

the instant tip. Here's a long-term tip, is I want you to use courage every day to talk to at least one attractive woman, and your only goal is to break the ice with her.
Deliver an opener. My favorite kind of opener to get confident and fearless at approaching is a specific compliment that's about something that's G-rated about her.
So don't approach her, sorry, don't compliment her body, her figure, how great she looks in the gym in those shorts. walk up to a woman once a day and say, hey, excuse me, miss, I just want to say you have fantastic style.
I love your boots. Or, hey, pardon me, miss, I love that tattoo.
It's a really cool design. What made you get that design? So think specific, authentic, and sincere compliments and do it once a day, pretty much every day, indefinitely, or at least five, six days a week.
Courage is what you need right now in the short term for fearless confidence in the long term. One of the things I tell my clients is courage is the currency that buys you confidence.
It's an investment. It's currency.

You make deposits of courage, and you get the confidence,

but you don't get it right away.

You got to earn that.

You got to earn that.

The reason I can approach any woman anywhere with tons of confidence and get some really good results is because I have done it so many times,

scared shitless.

I can't tell you how many times I walked up to women and basically my opener was vomiting in my mouth. Not literally, but that's how it felt.
So courage, I needed it over and over again. But soon in time, that courage transforms into confidence.
Okay? So that's your long-term tip. Use courage every day.
It's the currency that buys you confidence. Dating superpower number two that makes women want to date you, it makes them so instantly attracted to you, is effortless flirting.
Effortless flirting. Playful, light, fun, flirty banter is absolutely a superpower.
And I think of flirting this way. The definition of flirting, literally a definition, I looked it up recently, is playing at love.
Playing at love. And I absolutely agree with that.
That's in fact how I coach, how I teach my clients and how I want to teach here on the podcast or how I do teach on the podcast. Playfulness is really what flirting is about.
Playfulness, right? Playfulness, maybe a little bit of humor, creates a disarming, charming vibe that women love. And the nice thing about playful flirtation is it's hard.
It's easy to reject sexual commons and hitting on a woman. That can work.
It can also get rejected. However, if you are playful with a woman on a date, if you're playful when you text, if you're playful when you approach, it's harder to reject that because you're bringing good vibes.
You're just here to play. There's an innocence to it.
There is an innocence to it that women really love. So here's a quick, here's an instant tip for playfulness.
I like to tease. I like to lightly, playfully tease a woman.
So on your next first date, or perhaps the next time you're texting a woman, messaging a woman online on a dating app, look for something dorky or nerdy about her that is very surface level. Okay.
Does she have a nerdy hobby? Does she have a really bad taste in movies? Ask her what her favorite movie is. And if she says a movie that's sort of lame, if she says Legally Blonde, you could say, oh my God, really? Legally Blonde is your favorite movie? Oh my God, you're such a dork.
I don't know if I can go out with you. You have such bad taste in movies.
You can play. Here's a really good, fun way to approach a good, fun, playful way.
You can walk up to a woman and you can simply say your name. Say, hey, excuse me.
Hi, I'm name. Say your name is Michael.
Hey, I'm Michael. I'm here to play with you.
Let's play. Notice the look on women's faces when you play, when you say, I'm here to play with you one of my clients ken and i went out once i do so i do in-person wingman coaching for guys and i take clients out here in new york city and ken and i were at this bar in new york city called the brass monkey and i said hey what's your favorite karaoke song he said purple rain by Prince.
I said, great. Walk over to that woman and sing the opening verse, two lines of Purple Rain.
He started laughing. Again, the playfulness started to come out.
He was nervous, but he was into it. He walks up to her and he just belts it out.

Never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain.
He kind of did it just like serenading somebody in a movie. And the girl he approached, she starts singing back at him.
They start doing a duet of Purple Rain. And it was so playful.
It was so fun. And when you approach a woman or bring

playfulness to the party, to the date, to the approach, it's almost rejection-proof. Nothing's

really rejection-proof, but it's pretty close. Because what is she going to say? Leave me alone.

I don't want to have more fun than when I met you. So that's my instant tip for playfulness.

Even just after a date, you can send this text, which is playful and a little bit teasing. I love sending this the day after a first date or have my clients send this.
You could write her a message the next day that says, hey, I just want to let you know that you had a really good time last night and you want to see me again. Winky face.
Notice how you're putting her in the position of being

into you. It's playful.
It's putting you at her level as opposed to fawning over her.

So that's a way to be playful instantly. Effortless flirting is the goal here.
Now,

the long-term play is practice teasing long-term. Practice it.
Here's how you practice it long-term.

Actually, he's a good tip. I'm going to change this tip.
I was going to give you another playful flirting tip, but here's a different tip. Take an improv class.
Take an improv class. Improv teaches you how to be playful, how to be present, and how to really connect with the person you're doing an improv scene with.
It also gets you thinking on your feet very quickly. And look, the most powerful things I ever did for my dating life was working with the very best coaches I worked with.
Some great coaches. I also worked with some shitty coaches that I'd never go back to, but I had a few great coaches.
The second most important thing I ever did for my dating life was take improv. I've been taking improv for over 10 years.
She's almost 15. And take an improv class.
At the very least, take a one-time two-hour class. Most improv schools have some kind of one-time intro class.
I highly recommend it. That's a long-term tip to get you effortlessly flirting.
It's going to make you much more powerful and present and quicker on your feet. And yeah, it's just fun too.
Also, doing improv also gives you something fun to talk about on dates. You can talk with her about how you're taking improv classes and acting classes.
That's a cool, fun hobby to be into. It's also kind of nerdy, but in a cool way in my book.
You struggle with dating, right? Sure, you have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating.
Hey, I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned real estate there.
But I escaped. Using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love.
It's what I wrote about in my best-selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, and Radical Authenticity is Why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I want to personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.
So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my one-on-one coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.
No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

Superpower number three that will make women instantly attracted to you and want to date you. Magnetic charisma.
Magnetic charisma. Who wouldn't want to be incredibly charismatic, right? It's a dating superpower.
Women are drawn to men who have a charisma, a relaxed magnetism. I'm going to define what charisma is in a second.
First, I'm going to give you the instant tip. Here's an instant, fast way to become more charismatic when talking to a woman.
Become a storyteller. Tell personal, true, authentic, compelling stories about your life.
There's something about storytelling that just sucks people in. In fact, if any of you, if you're listening, if you've read my book, so many people have said, oh my God, Connell, that first chapter where you talk about being on the rooftop, you approach that girl, you were hitting it off.
These three Wall Street guys come over and try to steal her away. You march over and take her back and tell her blah, blah, blah.
Guys love that because it's a story. It sucked them right in.
And so have stories ready to tell on a date. Here's a good way to think about what's a good story from my past.
Well, sorry, let me back up. So being a good storyteller makes you more charismatic because you're the one who is giving the narrative.
You're putting out the energy and she's listening. She is in the receiving mode.
You're in the masculine giving mode. She's in the feminine receiving mode.
There's something sort of masculine essentially about telling a story. Even if the story is not about you lifting weights, I don't mean that kind of masculine, but there's something powerful about being the storyteller.
It puts you at a nice high status in her eyes, which is attractive. And also, you just get her on the edge of her seat, hopefully, listening to you talking about the crazy thing that happened to you when you traveled to Europe when you were a kid.
Or a couple of the go-to stories I tell, I think a good story, there's a couple different ways to skin this cat.

One good way to come up with a good, compelling story from your past, from your life, is to think, what was a moment in my life when I faced a really difficult obstacle,

and I battled it, I faced it, and whether you won or lost, it's the struggle,

the attempt to overcome this problem that makes it compelling and relatable. So for example, when I was in high school, here's a story I've told on literally 100 dates, pretty much.
When I was in high school, I was terrible at math, awful at geometry. And I'm sitting in a homeroom my sophomore year, moments before the final exam in geometry was about to begin.
And I was on a D plus F minus fence. If I failed this test, that meant summer school.
My summer was ruined. My parents would be so disappointed.
The stakes were high. Okay.
Notice high stakes, or at least emotional stakes. That makes a good story.
And so what did I do? I said, I got to get out of this test. What can I do? Well, I faked back spasms.
I pretended to have back spasms because I knew that my parents would believe that because, long story, but I knew they'd believe it. And so I go to the school

nurse. I get out of the test.
I call my parents thinking they're going to take me home to go lie in bed, relax for the weekend. So my plan was go home, relax, and then take the test again next week, hopefully pass it, no more summer school.
My parents didn't take me home. They took me to hospital And I had to undergo a battery of MRIs and x-rays for my non-existent back-to-visms.
And then at the end of all these tests, the doctor told my parents and me, Mr. and Mrs.
Barrett, your son Connell has sclerosis. Yeah, sorry to tell you that.
My mom starts crying. My dad's comforting her.
And I am essentially committing to this lie, knowing that my back is fine. I can't believe I've got myself into this crazy predicament.
And then the end of the story comes where the way it ends is I retook the test, and I failed with flying colors, and I had to go to summer school. And I was in summer school.
It was me and 19 cute girls. That might sound like a good thing, but when I was in high school, I could not talk to girls.
So actually it was torture being in summer school with a bunch of cute girls and not being able to talk to them. And I went to summer school.
Anyway, so that's a good story from my past because it's sort of innocent. It also has a protagonist, me, facing a problem, and I tried to overcome it.
I failed. And then hilarity ensued.
So that's one way to think of telling stories. The other way to think about being a charismatic storyteller is simply ask yourself, what's a crazy, unusual, strange twist of a thing that happened to you that's true? I have a client, Craig, who tells a good story about he lost his passport and he had to sneak his way back into the US from Canada by being rolled up.
he had his friends roll him up in a giant, um, carpet in the back of his truck. Tell that story.
Uh, you tell a funny travel story. I was once in Amsterdam and I was very poorly mugged by a guy.
He tried to mug me, but he was bad at it. He tried to mug me with a bong, pretending the bong was a gun, just a weird, wacky story that makes a girl laugh and giggle.
So becoming a storyteller, that's an instant tip to become more charismatic on dates. Here's a more long-term tip about charisma.
I have a formula for charisma. I want you to adopt my charisma formula.
because here's the thing. You might be, a lot of guys are under the myth

that there's one kind of charisma. There's big, loud, brash charisma.
You've got to be a big, loud, brash person. That's charisma.
And that is absolute bullshit. Charisma is in the eye of the beholder.
Here's my definition of charisma. This is romantic charisma.
This is charisma in the eyes of women and in the eyes of the woman you want to date, which is this. Here is my formula for charisma.
It's authentic expressiveness plus presence plus playful engagement equals charisma in her eyes. I'll say it again.
Authentic expressiveness plus being present plus being playfully engaged, that equals charisma to your type of girl. Not every woman, but women who like your type.
Because here's the thing,

charisma is not about having some universal one-size-fits-all alpha male charisma, some big, loud, brash alpha male who dominates the room. I fucking hate all of these male so-called dating experts who are still preaching this bullshit, toxic, be an alpha male, be charismatic, show her who's boss, be an alpha.
Fuck that noise. It is nonsense.
They don't know what they're talking about. They're just parroting the things they've seen other people say.
Take it from me. I've been doing this for 20 years as a person working on his dating life, 13 years as a professional dating coach, 16 years approaching women.
Charisma is in the eye of the beholder. And you, sir, listening to this right now, you have an incredibly charismatic side.
He's inside of you. Maybe he's a nerd.
Maybe he's hipster. He's probably very intelligent.
If you're listening to this podcast still, you're probably a pretty intelligent guy. I tend to attract intelligent people who like what I have to say.
So there is a specific kind of charisma you have. It's a unique lens, a unique charisma, and only you have it.
So don't think there's a one-size-fits-all kind of approach to charisma.

Take it from me, a nerdy, skinny ginger.

Many, many women have told me or essentially showed me how creative and charismatic they

think I am because I know how to authentically express myself.

I lean into being my nerdy, intellectual, playful, dad-joking, Star Wars nerd self. But I'm also really present.
I'm an incredibly active listener. I'm really in the moment with women, just like I'm trying to be in the moment with you right now.
And I'm very playful. And women love play, as I mentioned in the last tip.
So yeah, this formula that I came up with, let me break it down kind of step by step here. So authentic expressiveness.
What does that mean? Don't just be yourself, although that's a start. Express yourself.
Speak with energy, a full range of expressiveness. Use your facial expressions.
Tell your jokes. If you're a dad joke guy, tell dad jokes.
If you have a raunchy sense of humor, be raunchy. If you're more stoic, chill, be stoic and chill.
The beautiful thing about authenticity is there's so many women out there who like so many different types. So let your authentic personality shine.
The true self, your true self is always shining through like sunlight. Let it shine.
Okay. Don't hide it.
That's going to be very charismatic to women who like your type. That's the AE.
Let's call it, I sort of have my E equals MC squared. Basically it's, it's AE plus P equals PE.
Okay. That equals charisma to your girl.
So AE is authentic expressiveness. P is presence.
That just means active listening. Being in the moment, being right there with her, not getting 10 seconds ahead, not judging yourself for what you said 10 seconds ago, really listening to her, being in the present moment, basically active listening.
And the beautiful thing about active listening and being truly present is if you're really in the moment, you can't get needy or worry about how it's going because you're right there in the moment with her. And another beautiful thing about active listening and being present is it makes you, how do I put this? It makes you a lot more confident and it essentially removes that voice of self-doubt, that voice that's constantly monitoring.
So presence is super important. Yeah, it gets you out of your head basically in the present moment.
And that's the P. And then PE, the last part of it is playfully engaged.
Basically,

being present with her while being playful, having fun, teasing, flirting, light, playful energy. Charisma isn't just being confident.
It's making her feel something. So again, my charisma code, My charisma formula, AE plus P plus PE equals charismatic to your type of woman.
So again, authentic expressiveness plus presence plus playful engagement. I'm going to put this in the show notes.
I know this was a lot to take in just for this one. But think about it.
Everybody's different, right? There's not a one-size-fits-all charisma. There's Daniel Craig, James Bond charisma.
There's Ryan Reynolds' kind of fun, goofy, playful charisma. There's young...
I was just watching The Godfather recently. There's young Al Pacino smoldering, young Michael Corleone.
He had a different kind of charisma. Everybody has a different kind of charisma.
So sometimes a client will say, oh, Connell, I'm not charismatic. I'm not like, I don't know, pick some loud, brash person.
I don't even know who that might be. I don't know, Russell Brand back in the day, although he's basically canceled now.
Or I'm not Tony Robbins. I'm not Loud.
I'm not Russell Brand. I'm not whoever.
And I'm like, dude, you don't need to be like them. You need to be the most charismatic, authentic, expressive, playful version of you.
That's going to be incredibly charismatic to some gorgeous, incredible women. Okay, dating superpower number four,

unshakable confidence and resilience.

Unshakable confidence and resilience.

That means you assume women want you.

Not every woman, but you assume that you have worth and value to offer women.

In other words, you know you are enough. You know you are enough.
And when you know you're enough, when you are truly in touch with your worth and value, you feel significant to women. You know you're attractive to women.
When you feel this way, God, that makes you more confident, makes you stand taller, makes you have a little swagger. It also makes rejection meaningless to you.
You don't care because you know there's lots more women out there for you. So yeah, that's absolutely a dating superpower.
Maybe it should be number one on this list, but I put it here at number four. Unshakable confidence and resilience.
And by resilience, I just mean bouncing back. Knowing that you've got a thick skin and you can bounce back.
Here's an instant tip for more confidence. Have at your fingertips right now.
Actually, I want you to write this down right now. Write down three things about you that make you an amazing catch.
Three things. Make them specific and make them attainable.
It doesn't have to be like you're a millionaire. It could be, I'm a great cook.
I have a great sense of humor. I have a huge heart.
I'm a loving son. I have a steady job.
I have XYZ fun hobbies. Write down three things that on paper make you an amazing catch.
Okay? And what you can do is call to this list mentally for some instant confidence. Here's a quick story.
So the pandemic ends, it's early 2021. I'm going on my first date in over a year.
My first date is with a gorgeous woman named Catherine, a part-time model who went to Harvard, five foot nine, beautiful, funny, we're messaging and texting about Star Wars. And she shows me a picture.
She dressed up as a Game of Thrones character. She was the ice queen for Halloween.
This was my dream girl because not only is she a model and a Harvard grad, she's funny, she's quirky, she's a nerd in a model's body. Oh my God.
She's a 30 out of 10. So I'm on my way to this date with Catherine and I am so nervous.
Mr. Dating Coach, book coming out, Dating Sucks But You Don't, doing really well, and I am scared.
Not scared, but I'm very nervous. And in the interest of self-forgiveness, it had been a year, okay? I was rusty.
So I was like, oh my God, what if she doesn't like me? I hope it goes well. What if I'm too old for her? Because at the time I'm pushing 50 and she's late 20s.
Oh,

maybe I'm too old. Maybe I'm not muscular enough.
All these old thought patterns, these old limiting beliefs started to creep back. And I said, wait a minute, Connell, don't listen to some bullshit story that Catherine isn't going to be into you because of these stupid reasons.
So I kind of cut that voice of self-doubt off.

And I said, wait a minute.

I actually expect this to go really well because,

and I went to my list of three things.

Number one is the three things I went to in my mind for that instant confidence fix is I said, well, first of all, I'm a successful guy.

I'm an author and a dating coach and a successful one.

Thank you. for that instant confidence fix is I said, well, first of all, I'm a successful guy.
I'm an author and a dating coach and a successful one. And then I said, oh, and I'm pretty funny on my better days and I'm really intelligent.
Those three things. And I went to my list of these, I call this list.
I went to the top three things on my awesome list. And I felt 20% more confident, Still lots of butterflies.
It was my first day of the year, but my confidence went up quickly and the date went very well. We weren't really meant to be together long-term, but it went so much better than I feared it was going to go.
And yeah, so that's your instant tip. Write down three things about you that make you a great catch.
And long term, I want you to rewrite the biggest limiting belief that you feel like you have that's holding you back with women. This is a longer play.
I can't do right now. I'm going to do an episode in a couple weeks.
So listen in a couple of weeks. My client Ryan and I are going to reshape his confidence.
We're going to remove and replace the biggest limiting belief that is holding him back. But if you want to do it before that, I want to send you a free copy of my book.
So in chapter, because in my book, dating sucks, but you don't in chapter, hold on a second.

Uh, in chapter three, there's an exercise where you can essentially get a lot more confidence by rewiring a limiting belief. So if you want a free copy of it, just send me an email.
Anybody who listens to this podcast can get a free copy of my book. I don't keep a penny.
I just want to give it away because I'm proud of it. And check out chapter three.
So anyway, shoot me an email, connell at datingtransformation.com. And just write free book in the subject line.
And I'll send you a free book as soon as I can. Don't fast forward.
This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's going to help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt, right? Well, let's fix that.
I'm going to give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool, sexy women starting today.
It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are going to make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free.
Just go to datingtransformation.com slash flirty30. And that's F-L-I-R-T-Y 3-0.
Datingtransformation.com slash Flirty 30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend.
Go get your Flirty 30. Next, dating superpower.
Dating superpower number five. Top tier texting.
Become a top tier texter. Become really good at texting.
Boy, now that I say that out loud, that's a lot of tease. Top tier texting.
That's a lot of alliteration. But hey, when it comes to alliteration, I am totally tuned in to tempting texts that transform timid texters into top-tier talkers and tempt and tantalize total tens.
Anyway, top-tier texting. You don't need the world's best texting game, but man, it sure does help.
It's a superpower. Let me give you my instant tip for becoming a top tier texter.
Follow this four part system. Let's call it a system.
Let's call it a framework. Give, give, give, ask.
That's how you text women. Give, give, give, ask.
What that means is that the majority of your messages that you text a woman you're interested in should be giving her something, giving her a joke that might make her giggle and smile. Give her a good question.
Not a how's your day, how was your weekend question, but a good question, a question about something she cares about. Hey, how was your birthday party? What was the best present you got at your birthday party? So you can give her the gift of a good question, a joke.
If you've had a date with her already and you're staying in touch by text, planning that second date, call back to the first date. Tease, joke about something from that first date that might make her laugh.
So you can give jokes, teases, genuine compliments. You could give the gift of genuine, interesting updates about your life.
What did you do yesterday or this last weekend that might make her smile or that she might find interesting? Part of the art of attracting women is having a cool, interesting life with just some fun things that you have passion for. So I just took up baking.
I've been doing a lot of baking. If I was single and dating, which I'm not, but if I was, I would take a picture of the blondies I just made, and I would send a picture to a girl I was seeing and dating.
Say, hey, this is delicious, right? Just so you know, though, when I see you for our next date,

I'm probably going to smell like sugar and frosting. Hope that's okay.
So you give, most of your messages should be giving. Give, give, give.
And then every so often you ask for what you want, a date. You ask.
And here's the problem that most men make with texting. they ask, ask, ask, and then they ask some more.
Hey, how are you? They ask boring questions or cliched questions. Hey, how are you? What are you up to? What are you doing? Those don't give anything to her.
And, or most men, just some men, if you, if you look at a single woman's phone, if you know, have a single woman in your life who's a friend, ask her to show you some text messages that she gets from guys. Oh my God, it'll blow your mind how much they're asking.
All they do is ask, hey, want to get drinks? Hey, let's get dinner. Did you get my last message? Did you, are you blowing me off? What are you doing? What are you up to? They're just asking, asking, asking.

You want to be that rare guy who gives.

Because guess what?

If you're that guy who sends her that flirty text, who makes her laugh, who sends her a

meme or a gif of something that's going to make her smile, then when you ask her out,

she's going to be, yes, please.

Thank God this guy's asking me out.

He's such a good texter. He's fun.
He makes me smile. And that's going to get you more dates.
So let me give you an example of give, give, give, ask in action from my life. I'm going to read you a text exchange I had.
This is actually in my book. I'm literally reading this from my book.
So I talk about a woman I matched with on a dating app a few years back. And so for a few weeks, this young woman, Annie, and I had been trying to arrange a first date.
And we just couldn't get our schedules aligned. And actually, one day, this is before we'd ever met, she sends me a very polite blow-off message.
She writes me, quote, hey, sorry, I'm not going to be able to meet you. I'm talking to somebody else about a first date, but best of luck.
So she's basically saying, hey, this ain't going to happen, dude. Now, most guys would take that as a, well, fine, you know, just take it and take your lumps and move on.
But I just thought, you know what? I'm going to give and just see what happens. I'm going to keep texting her.
But I'm not in a needy way. I'm not going to say, why not? I thought we were going to go on a date.
That's not going to work. Basically, you can't change a woman's mind.
You want to change her mood. Don't change her mind, change her mood.
And that's what giving texts do. So anyway, Annie tries to, or Annie blows me off and I say, hey, no worries at all.
I'm glad to hear you made a love connection, but I'm going to have to return the engagement ring I bought you. Engagement ring emoji.

So I'm giving her a joke, pretending that I bought her an engagement ring, which is, of course, absurd because I hadn't even met her yet.

Annie, LOL, sorry, I'm just an honest person.

I write back, all good.

I like cute, honest girls.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Parentheses, will I ever find love? So I'm just being silly. I'm just being playful, okay? Playful, that's the magic formula here.
Play, play, play. She writes back, LOL.
She writes back, hey, you never know. Maybe my date with this guy will be terrible.
Now she's already beginning to open up a little bit to me. All I'm doing is giving.
Uh, and, uh, let's see here. She says, um, yeah, maybe, maybe it'll be a bad, maybe it'll be a terrible date.
Then I say, I have an idea. How about I come with you on the date with you and this guy? You can give the guy you like most a rose, just like on The Bachelorette.
She writes back, LOL, with like three exclamation marks. That would be very different for sure, she writes me.
It's too bad that you and I never connected. I just don't like dating more than one guy.
So now I can tell the way she's talking about this guy that they're not in a relationship. In fact, she's only got, has one date lined up.
It's not like he's her boyfriend. So she's very much in play here for me to date.
That's my mindset at the time. But again, all I'm doing is following give, give, give, ask.
How can I give some more? How can I make her smile? Because if I'm giving her better emotions than the other guy, she's going to want to date me. Okay, so I write back, no worries.
I only spent $7 on your engagement ring, so it's okay. It's a fake diamond.
It's a diamondoid. I have a little gif of a sparkly diamond.
She writes back, lol, that's perfect. I'm actually really clumsy.
I'd probably fall and lose the ring. I write, phew.
Then I really dodged a bullet here, Annie. I'm using her name.
Everybody's favorite word is their first name. I really dodged a bullet, Annie.
I mean, you're adorable and you seem cool, but if you dropped the symbol of our eternal love down in the gutter, that would hurt. And I have a little heartbreak emoji.
Then she writes back, LMAO. I can't help it.
I'm clumsy. Lots of exclamation points and emojis.
I write her, oh, that is so you. It's why I proposed.
I love klutzy girls. Then Annie writes, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You're cute. Maybe I should meet you.
Now, at this point, I know it's back on, obviously. I write, lol, thanks.
You're super cute too. I'm just trying to keep up with your

cuteness. You have a great sense of humor.
And don't worry, I promise I won't propose till the second date. So I'm giving value, but notice what I'm also doing.
I'm also moving things forward. I'm talking about what our date will be like, or I'm talking about our future date.
so I'm talking about it as if it's going to happen

and then

this is actually what our date will be like. Or I'm talking about our future date.
So I'm talking about it as if it's going to happen. And then, this actually blew my mind.
And then she writes, ha ha, we should meet up. I'm going to call you in a minute.
So seconds later, my phone rings. It's Annie.
She's never called me before. We've never talked.
We've only been texting first on the dating app and then on each other's phones. We talk for about 45 minutes.
We have a great conversation. And then two nights later, we have our first date.
And that date ends with her spending the night at my place. And boom.
All I did. Well, what got me there? Top tier texting.
What does that even mean though? Top tier texting just means I just gave, gave, gave. I cracked jokes.
I let her know. I didn't take her blow off personally.
I had fun with it. And I just gave value, made her smile, made her laugh.
And not

only did the date go back on, she actually called me. She went from blowing me off to calling me to, I guess you'd call that chasing, quote unquote, chasing me.
And then a couple nights later, we were hooking up. We had an incredible first date.
And all I did was top tier texting, baby. So anyway, that's my instant tip.
Give, give, give, ask. Now the long-term tip would be to actually, this concept of give, give, give, ask, my long-term tip is you could use this as a larger philosophy for dating in general.
All I really do when I go out with a girl or approach or go on a date back when I was, again, I have a girlfriend, but all I really do is, um, is I just think, how can I make her night better? How can I make her smile? How can I make her feel sexy through the lens of being authentic and being my best self? Because if I'm that guy who's making her feel good, she's going to want me in her life, probably. And so, yeah, so your long-term tip is not even about texting.
It's about making give, give, give, ask a larger dating philosophy. I have a client named Jack, and Jack basically said, Connell, that whole give, give, give, ask thing, I know you only meant it for texting, but, dude, I made that my whole philosophy with women, and they love it.
They just love it. I'm just giving all the time.
And anyway, that's something you could do long term. By the way, when I say give, I don't mean supplicate.
I don't mean be a people pleaser. I don't mean be fake or like say and do anything to make her happy.
I don't mean change who you are as a person. I mean seek to make her feel good, feel sexy, have fun with her, make her smile while being authentic and your best self.
And that is absolutely irresistible to women. Okay.
Dating superpower number six. This makes women want you.
Number six is vibe mastery. Vibe mastery on a date.
The art of keeping a date, get good at the art of keeping a date fun, flirty, and engaging. I call this vibe mastery.
What I mean is when you're on a first

date or any, actually any date, but let's, let's talk about first, first dates, especially,

because that's usually the, the, the one that has the most nerves. And it's also the most important

date because if you don't nail the first date, you're not going to get a second one. So vibe

mastery is just about being attuned to the energy of the date and being aware how she's feeling,

Thank you. first date, you're not going to get a second one.
So vibe mastery is just about being attuned to the energy of the date and being aware how she's feeling, how you're presenting yourself, and making moves, great and small, to keep things light, natural, fun, and just make the date go really well. It's about sensing when she's either engaged or when she's drifting.
It's about being able to pivot when you notice the energy has dipped or the conversation has gotten boring. Yeah, let's call it, I call this vibe mastery.
And this is just, really it's about reading the room. And if things are going well, continuing to do what's working and don't get in the way.

But also noticing when things aren't going well or noticing when the vibe has shifted.

Here's your instant tip for this.

I'm a big movie nerd.

As you might have noticed, if you listen to this podcast, I talk a lot about movies.

And I love rom-coms.

I love James Bond movies. I love Star Wars.
I'm just a big movie guy. And when I'm on a date or when I have my clients go on dates, I say, imagine that in your head watching the date is a little movie director in your mind.
He's watching the date like a little Martin Scorsese. he's in your he the date, kind of like a director watching how a scene is playing out in a movie.
And imagine that director, that little Martin Scorsese is watching your date. And if the vibe of the date is good and light and fun and flirty, keep rolling.
If it's not, yell cut, hypothetically, I mean theoretically, not literally, but say cut and change the scene and start over. And basically make an adjustment, make a change to get that vibe of the date going well.
This is really important because when a woman has a date with a guy, especially a first date, she's not really looking at how good is his conversation? How good is his game? Is he flirting with me or complimenting me? She's not really thinking about this logically. She's just deciding, she's just feeling the feels.
And if she's feeling good, she's going to want a second date with you. And if she's feeling kind of bored or if she's not feeling comfortable, then she's not going to want a second date.
So your instant tip is have a little Martin Scorsese in your mind, monitoring the date like a director. If it's going well, if it's light and fun and flirty, don't change a thing.
Keep it going. Keep rolling.
Action. If it's not, make some changes.
Now, what are some examples of changes? Here's a couple quick stories from my dating past. I was on a first date once with a beautiful, tall, Russian-born woman.
Russian-born, but very Americanized. So basically American, but had a little bit of a Russian accent.
And I noticed about 45 minutes into the date, the vibe wasn't what I wanted. We were talking too much about dating.
And as a dating coach, that used to happen to me a lot, or the topic of dating would come up, but it doesn't have, it doesn't have to, you don't have to be a dating coach to have this problem. Beware of talking too much about dating itself.
So I'm on this date with this woman. Let's call her Svetlana.
I don't even remember her name. And I could just tell the date was a little bit too meta, too analytical about dating.
So my little Martin Scorsese noticed it and I said, all right, cut, time to change topics. And I made a decision in the moment and I said to myself, okay, no more dating conversation.
And then I shifted it and simply I shifted it to learning more about Svetlana. I knew she was into dancing.
I knew she was into ballet. And I said, oh, by the way, okay, enough dating conversation.
I think I said something like that. I want to hear more about your ballet.
What do you love about ballet? Tell me more about that. I want to learn all about dancing.
And that topic was a much better topic than talking about dating because it's about her and it helps her to open up And I shipped it. We all, and also we change locations.
I noticed that the place for our first drink was not logistically is, is, is a little bit too loud, a little bit too crowded. So I also said, Hey, let's go to another place.
And so we went to another place. And then at that second place, we talked about her love of ballet and my love of Russian literature.
We connected and clicked on that. And next thing I knew, a date that was going really blandly was going really well.
When we kissed goodnight, she did this cute little ballet twirl and kicked her leg. I just remember how incredibly sexy and

cute that was. And all I did was I had that little Scorsese in my mind, that little director.
So your instant tip here is have that director noticing the vibe. That's how you become a vibe master of the vibe and the long-term tip here is to just think about a date as having an underlying emotional narrative or feeling.
And you just want a long-term, you want to keep going on dates and allow all the reps and the references to expand your experience and ask yourself, is this date serving me? I'm sorry, is the vibe and the topic of this date serving me? And if it's serving you, keep it going. If it's not serving you, change the topic.
Let me give you one more example. I had another first date.
This is actually a phone date, a video date I had once. But on the video date, this woman, I will call her Jennifer.
Jennifer and I were having a quick first ever video date. We were basically screening each other to find out if we were going to go out.
And she started talking really, and it was going really well for about 20 minutes. And then she got really negative.
She started talking about how much she hated medical school and how much she made these career mistakes. And it's fine for somebody to talk about those things.
But she kept going on and on for like three, four, five minutes. And that little director in my mind said, ah, this is not helping the movie change the topic or change the scene.
So I interrupted a little bit. I didn't interrupt, but I said, oh, hey, by the way, we'll come back to that story in a second.
But tell me about that trip you said you took to Italy. What an amazing experience you had at the winery.

Tell me what was that about.

And then her eyes lit up and she's like,

oh yeah, the winery, that was incredible.

So I noticed the topic about how much she hated med school

was bad for my date.

The little director in my brain said,

switch it to that thing she mentioned

about red wine in Italy.

So that's something else you can do long-term is monitor the to that thing she mentioned about red wine in Italy. So that's

something else you can do long term is monitor the topic that you're talking about and just ask yourself, is this topic creating a good vibe, a neutral vibe, or a bad vibe for this date to go well? And if it's neutral or bad, change that topic. Okay.
And dating superpower number seven, Decisive leadership

Lead, lead, lead. Women love a man who leads and who does it decisively.
So in short, you want to be a man with a plan. I can't overstate the importance of this.
Dating is a dance, and our jobs as men is to lead the dance. And so your short-term tip here, your instant tip is be a man with a plan.
When setting up the date, pick the place, pick the time, suggest what the two of you will do. And you don't do it in a domineering way.
I'm not telling you to say, here's what we're doing. Friday night, 8 p.m., this tapas place, be there, woman.
I don't mean that. I just mean be that guy who leads.
And you say, hey, I have an idea. You love tapas.
I love tapas. I have a great idea.
Friday night, 7.30, I'll make a res for us at Jerry's Tapas Takeout Emporium. Sound good to you? And then just basically make her feel, basically, I've literally said this to women.
I said, hey, you just need to show up and look pretty. I'll make the plans.
Sound good? I mean that with a little bit of an ironic twist. I don't mean she only needs to look pretty, but I just want to make it really easy for her to show up on a date.
And so leadership starts with you leading, picking the place, picking the time, picking the activity. And if she likes it, boom, she'll really love that.
On the date itself, lead the conversation. Have that little director in your mind noticing what you guys are talking about, not in a controlling way, but in a way that just says, hey, let's make sure we're talking about good date topics, talking about each other, noticing things like if you're being too logical, too informational, and not playful enough, noticing that and then leading things to a more playful place.
Basically, women love a man who leads. My ex-girlfriend, Lorraine, I remember on our second or maybe our third date, she even called it out and just complimented me.
She said, I love what a good planner you are. You're such a good planner.
And she just loved that I was the one picking the place, making plans, letting her know I wanted to see her, and essentially leading the dating dance. My girlfriend Jess, to this day, she still says, oh my God, I love it when you plan stuff.
You make all my parts feel so good. So it's not just something

to do in the dating and courtship phase. When you're actually in a relationship with your

future girlfriend, keep being a good planner. So your short-term move is be a man with a plan.

Your long-term move is think about the first three to five, let's say three to six dates. Three to six dates.
Think about it as an arc. You want, ideally, if you're really into a woman and you get the feeling that I want this woman to be my girlfriend, then you want to have sort of a long-term plan.
not long-term, but a medium-term plan so that by the end of the third date, she starts to see you as absolutely boyfriend material. She starts to feel and think, man, this guy, this guy is going to be a great boyfriend.
So think long-term with planning. So short-term planning would be you

pick the place, you pick a fun activity, you lead the conversation, you go for the first kiss, you

do all those leadership things that women love. Lead, lead, lead.
But maybe the second date or

the third date, you change it up a little bit. You might have a second or third date where you

find a way to bring her into your social circle. Maybe there's an event where some friends will be, or there's something that involves her meeting people you know.
I don't mean meet the family, meet my mom and dad. I mean, I remember I had a, there was a girl I definitely wanted her to be my girlfriend pretty early on.
And for our second date, I invited her to come to an improv show that I was part of. I wanted her to meet my improv social circle and meet the people in my life who were important to me and also get a window into what it would be like to be my girlfriend.
So that's part of a longer term plan. You can have a two or three date arc to make a woman, not make her your girlfriend in three dates.
It takes more dates than that. But by the end of the third date, if she wants to, if she's going to see you as her boyfriend, potentially, she'll start to see it by then.
So we want to think long term as well. Okay, those are the seven dating superpowers.
And again, I want to restate something I said at the top. You don't need to become a master at all seven of these.
But if you can get to at least one or two of these really humming, that is going to give you such a big edge over other guys. If you get really good at texting, that confidence, having unshakable confidence is probably the most important thing on this list other than authenticity.
Getting in touch with how to be charismatic, getting better at flirting. If you just get a little bit better at some of these, you're going to take your dating results to a new level.
And if you really activate one or two of these dating superpowers, you're going to see some wonderful things happening. Now, you might be asking, wait a minute.
You've just talked about these seven dating superpowers. What about emotional connection? What about just connecting emotionally as people? Well, emotional connection is a bigger topic.
Emotional connection tends to happen organically. People just have rapport with each other and the guard comes down.
So emotional connection, is that a dating superpower? Yes. I didn't put it on this list because in a way it's such a big topic that I can do a whole episode about the art of emotional connection.
The thing is emotional connection is not required to have a really fun, flirty, great first date. Some women love that deep emotional connection.
Some women just want to have fun. They just want to be with a decisive leader.
They just want to flirt. They just want a guy who's confident.
They just want a guy who has her version of charisma. They just want to feel, or maybe they want to be approached by a really confident guy.
So that deeper emotional connection in the first couple of dates, it's optional. It's not required for all women.
Now for her to become your girlfriend, absolutely. Absolutely.
Vulnerability, that emotional connection has to be there. But it's not exactly a dating superpower, at least in the way I've defined it for this episode.
Okay, that is it. I hope this has given you some new ways to think about flirting, about confidence, about charisma, about texting.
Let me know what you think. By the way, you are more than welcome.
I love anyone and everyone who is still listening to this episode. Thank you so much.
Shoot me an email. Give me some feedback.
Is there anything you want me to talk about? Are there any topics that you would love to hear episodes about? Feel free to email me, connell at datingtransformation.com. And if you want a free copy of my book, just shoot me an email that says free book and I'll send you a free copy.
Thank you so much for listening. And don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she is out there, just like mine was and is or was.
Now she's my girlfriend. But she's going to have to meet the real authentic you.

So go out there, take authentic, courageous action, and carpe datum.

Seize the date.

Till next time.