Talking About Money Stresses Me Out. Can It Get Easier? (Listener Intervention)

I'm Nicole Lappin, the only financial expert you don't need a dictionary to understand. It's time for some money rehab.
Most of us will talk about anything, anything before we talk about money. It's literally in the description of my show because this blows my mind.
Most of my friends would rather cover truly anything before money. Body stuff, embarrassing moments, crazy bad first dates, anything.
But these conversations are so important because there's a lot to learn from the people around us and in some cases, a lot to avoid. This is another episode I teamed up with Bank of America on because we both believe that talking to loved ones about money is essential and we want to make it easier.
Today's money rehabber breaks out into a cold sweat whenever he talks to his friends about money. And sometimes that costs him.
Today, we'll go through strategies that will make these conversations easier. So let's get started.
Liam, welcome to Money Rehab. So what's on your mind? Well, I get really anxious when I think about talking to my friends about money.
I'm doing pretty well with my job and I have some money saved, but I have some friends who are making a lot more money than me and it's kind of created a few problems. They just spend so much money when we go out and I don't want to spend money like that.
But I also don't want them to stop inviting me to things. I know they're investing and I'd like to ask them about how they're doing that, but I just don't want to sound dumb.
But I guess it all boils down to just not feeling comfortable talking about anything when it comes to money. First of all, this is so, so common.
Talking about money can be really uncomfortable. I definitely felt that way once upon a time.
It's been really empowering to be able to speak the language of money with anyone, family, friends, business partners, romantic partners. Who do you talk to about money right now? Pretty much my parents.
I've always felt like I could talk to them about money. Okay, that's great.
And who would you like to have these conversations with? It's really just my college friend group that I feel like I can't talk to about this stuff. And what's holding you back? I don't know.
I guess just what I said before about not wanting to sound dumb, or telling them that I want to spend less when we hang out, or the fear that they might just hang out without me if I say that I can't spend that I don't want to spend that kind of money. Yeah, I mean, I get that.
Money is so personal. Money without meaning is just paper, but we often put a lot of meaning behind this stuff.
So basically, you feel like you're spending more money than you have budgeted for because of this pressure. Is that right? Yeah, definitely.
Have you ever had a friendship breakup because of money? Kind of, actually. My freshman year college roommate and I were pretty tight for the first semester.
But second semester, all of my savings were pretty much dried up. And he really liked to go out and eat and go on big trips on weekends and stuff.
So I stopped being able to do that stuff with him. And then we just kind of drifted apart.
And did you guys have a conversation about that? No, I guess we never really talked about it. Well, let me ask you, have you ever had a conversation about money with a friend? Man, I guess not.
What do you actually think is the worst thing that could happen if you start having more conversations with your loved ones about money? And here's why I ask. There's this principle of stoicism that says we suffer more in imagination than in reality.
So I do think it's important to picture the worst case scenario because it's probably not that bad. Worst case scenario, my college friends stop inviting me out and stop including me in things like trips and fantasy football.
And then I kind of drift apart from the friend group and then I get cut out. Let me just say, more people struggle with this than you think.
According to a survey from Bank of America, almost three in five millennials slash Gen Zers have drifted apart from a friend due to financial reasons. But I think there are strategies that you can put into place to protect your friendships and your wallets.
But first I have to ask, do you actually like these people? They sound kind of judgy. No, no, no.
They're great guys. They just all come for money and I don't.
And, you know, we just have different financial resources and backgrounds and we see it differently. OK, I get it.
But I just want to say money is a tool that can unlock opportunities for you. But it's not a character trait.
It's not like being a good friend or being kind. If you don't have as many zeros in your bank account as you want, that's something we could definitely work on.
But it doesn't make you any less worthy of being an amazing friend and having amazing friends. Well, that's nice to hear.
I like to think that and I think I know that, but thank you. So when I was a news anchor interviewing all of these successful entrepreneurs, I was surrounded by people who had a lot more money than I did.
And what I started to do was just be the planner of the group. So I would take on the role of pitching what we could all do as an activity together.
And I would pick things that had a fixed cost that I knew I could afford. So going out to dinner, not a fixed cost.
Your friends could keep balling out, getting bottles, and then try to split the bill. So for me, I planned a lot of classes.
The weirder, the better. We did exercise classes.
We did axe throwing classes. We did a cooking class.
These were things that had a price of admission. So I picked things that I could afford.
So that's just one strategy you could take on. But in terms of making yourself more comfortable about talking money, I'd start with something that feels less personal and less close to the group.
For me, rent was a biggie. When I was in my 20s, I moved to New York.
I had a zillion questions about how much I should spend on rent, but I was really anxious that if I asked budgeting questions, my new friends would judge me for being cheap. But once I got the courage to start asking friends about it, they were so relieved that I had said something because they had their own questions that they wanted to ask as well about rent and money and all the things.
What I've learned throughout my journey of getting more comfortable talking about money is that people will open up to you if you open up to them first. So when I'm talking to somebody about money for the very first time, I will go first.
I will be the one to start. Like way back when, when I had those questions about renting in New York, I said, look, I am new here.
I am touring apartments. I am seeing one bedroom apartments for $2,500 in Manhattan.
Am I going to find something better? And from there, I started having great conversations with my friends about how much they were paying, how much of their salaries they were budgeting for rent. And it took me opening up the door just a crack for all of this great conversation to come through.
That's cool. Do you feel like you could do that? I think I could try.
If you're trying to feel more comfortable, I wouldn't start by asking how much they make or if they're in debt and by how much. You don't want it to feel like an interrogation.
You could start with something small, like you're looking for advice on asking for a raise. People love getting asked for advice.
They think they're so smart. So I think that you'd find something like that would be received really well.
Yeah, that makes sense. I really do think that.
As difficult as these conversations seem now, it is easier with practice. So once you start having some of these easier conversations about money that are in more comfortable territory, it will feel less intimidating to tell them that you want to keep a tighter budget when you guys hang out.
How does that sound? Yeah, that makes sense. So because practice makes better, let's do a little role play.
You be you and I'll be one of your friends. And let's just rehearse what a conversation about budgeting would look like.
Cool? Oh man, I can try. Hey Liam, we're planning this awesome trip to Greece.
Are you in? Yeah, I'd love to go. Amazing.
I'm going to book this hotel. It's $1,000 per night per person.
Um, thanks for the invite. That hotel looks really cool, but I'm trying to save some money right now for a bigger place.
So it's just a bit out of my budget. Do you think we can try something a little cheaper? Yeah, that's great.
And what I would do is suggest something that's in your budget so that you can make it easy for them to say yes. And then you feel like you're not creating a problem.
You're actually finding a solution that works for everyone. And it doesn't have to be that serious.
If it makes you anxious to say you can't afford it, you don't have to say that. You could just say, I bet we could find something that's more in the $150 per night range.
I actually found this great Airbnb. Doesn't this look like fun? I mean, how about something like that? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
I think that if I could just find a good alternative, they might just go for it. So just to recap, you're going to start to talk to your friends about money in ways that are less personal.
So talking about raises, talking about investing, bonus points if you ask them for their advice. And then once you get more comfortable, start putting some guardrails up.
But until you feel more comfortable in having a general conversation about money, try to be the planner of the group and steer them toward a fixed cost activity. How does that sound? It sounds good.
And I think you're right. I can start with something that's not so negative.
Like instead of waiting to talk about money when I have to shut something down or suggest something else, I can ask for their advice on something. So how do you feel about this plan? Honestly, still a little anxious.
Even practicing having this conversation with you made me nervous, to be honest. But having some pointers on what to say will definitely make it easier.
So thank you. For today's tip, you can take straight to the bank.
Seeking out professional guidance from a trusted professional, such as a Merrill Financial Solutions Advisor, is another resource that can help make these conversations easier. Not only is a Financial Solutions advisor able to provide clients with advice for your goals and helping you determine strategies, but it's also someone you can talk to about money who isn't part of your personal life.
And practicing money talk with someone that holds that kind of distance helps to make it easier when you're having these conversations with someone you're close to. To get access to advice, guidance, and tools so you can expand your investment knowledge to help you achieve your financial goals, go to bofa.com slash financial next steps.
Brokerage services are provided by Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, and Smith Incorporated, a registered broker dealer, registered investment advisor, member SIPC, and a wholly owned subsidiary of Bank of America Corporation, member FDIC. The views and advice expressed by Money News Network are independent and not endorsed by Bank of America Corp.
Money Rehab is a production of Money News Network. I'm your host, Nicole Lappin.
Money Rehab's executive producer is Morgan Lavoie. Our researcher is Emily Holmes.
Do you need some Money Rehab? And let's be honest, we all do. So email us your money questions, moneyrehab at moneynewsnetwork.com to potentially have your questions answered on the show or even have a one-on-one intervention with me.
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No, seriously, thank you. Thank you for listening and for investing in yourself, which is the most important investment you can make.