Who Leaves, Who Stays

I'm trying to say the right words because

it's hard.

I can't find the right words to share the feelings.

Yeah.

So, on that time, it was

the time of deciding between dead and life.

Something like that.

We have a phrase in Afghanistan: the time of death and life, or life and death?

Life and death.

The time between life and death.

Because we don't know who will die.

Those who are leaving or those who are staying.

My name is Bushra Sidirdeen.

I am 23 years old.

I'm a journalist from Afghanistan.

And in August of last year, I left.

This is Radio Atlantic.

I'm Claudina Bade.

This week, we return to America's withdrawal from Afghanistan, the painful choice it meant for the women of one family, and the harrowing journey that came from that decision.

On that time, I was thinking of my sisters and my mother.

Can you tell me about your sisters?

Oswan is

quiet with others, but the noisy and annoying sister to me.

We have two years age gap, but we are like twins and we have a lot of mutual taste in everything.

From clothes to musics to movies to foods.

I mean

she was like my best friend.

Everyone can ask everything about me if they want from Osman.

I am always telling my mother, if one day I die,

go and ask all my secrets from Osman.

I could never have imagined being apart from Osman and she felt the same.

And I should say that Osman is a pseudonym that we're using to protect your sister.

Yes.

And what's your other younger sister like?

My other younger sister is Sarah.

She's like opposite side of me and Osman.

She's really confident girl.

I mean, she's always thinks that she's the right.

And no one is the right.

And she's the right.

And this is kind of annoying me.

And how old is she?

She's 17.

And what about your mother?

What's she like?

I don't know what to say about my mother.

I love her a lot.

She smells good.

I can feel her smell.

I like her smile.

I like her hands.

I think my mother is the most beautiful woman in the world.

She had bad experience in her personal life, but

she tried to be the perfect mother for us.

And how about you?

For you, before you decided to leave, what was your life in Afghanistan like?

I was a journalist.

I was really in love with my job.

The newspaper I was writing for them was very eager.

We were a good team and I love every day doing that job because I know what I'm doing for my country and people.

And I spent most of my free time with my group of girlfriends.

We were always shopping.

I imagine those moments of walking, the noise of the crowds, the noise of the cars, the noise of good music.

And I imagine on that time that this is my all-life picture.

I'm not gonna lose those moments.

Afghanistan 2021, the Taliban are back.

After almost 20 years, America is leaving Afghanistan.

But what is it leaving behind?

The withdrawal of foreign troops has left a power vacuum the Taliban are rushing to fill.

I never imagined that the Taliban is coming and I'm leaving the country.

America's nearly two decade long involvement in Afghanistan is coming to an abrupt and chaotic end.

The U.S.

withdrawal is fast becoming a nightmare for Afghan women and girls.

The president who just yesterday vowed to keep fighting fled the country and the Afghan government essentially collapsed.

That was the day I decided I'm going to leave.

I cannot live here anymore.

That was the day I decided I'm going to try for myself, for my family members, to have the chance to leave Afghanistan.

My brothers have worked with the United States, so they left the country three days after the collapse.

So it was just me, my two sisters, and my mother trying to escape Afghanistan.

I start writing to everyone I can think of.

I write all the international embassies in Afghanistan.

I write to women and journalists groups I know.

And I reach out to all my international social media friends.

It was just...

three or four days before the ending of evacuation.

I haven't heard back from any of those embassies or friends or groups.

Then I heard from a friend on Instagram.

She said to me, I was successful in putting you, Sora, and Osmond onto a flight to Germany.

I will try to work for the rest of your family, but at the moment, this is all I could do.

And I asked,

what about my mom?

She

I was not able to get her on this flight yet.

Then I said, please, just one person.

And she said, I'm not the one who decides this, Bushra.

I was not able to propose more people, so I pushed for whoever I could.

And I said, I'm asking, requesting, begging you for my mother.

please.

My brother's gone and my father is living with his second wife.

She just have us, no one else.

For God, please do something.

She didn't respond to me for a minute, and she said, I can't promise.

I will try to plead with the ones deciding.

But it's not me who makes the decision.

I know it's a terrible choice.

I'm sorry.

And then she wrote to me, go to this location now.

We are moving people.

We'll give further instruction as I get them.

Bring food and water for 48 hours.

It was like heartbreaking moment.

I mean, How can I decide who should leave and who should stay?

What will happen to those I'm leaving behind?

We had 20 minutes to decide.

I don't know what to say to my family.

They are looking to my eyes, what I'm going to do for them.

We sit all together, me,

Sora, Osmond and my mother, in my room.

a little small room with white and red curtains.

All of us were sitting on the floor on the mattresses

soro and osmon both of them were not saying even a single word because

they don't know what to say i asked my mother what we need to do and she said i don't know it must be hard for her than any of us because she was the one who is deciding between her daughters

and because we don't have a lot of time, I remember I was the one who was asking what do we need to do, and she said, I don't know.

It went on like this, my mother saying,

I don't know, I don't know.

It felt like at least 20 minutes passed like this.

After a couple of minutes of quietness, she said in her own language,

It means you and Sarah go and I smoke will stay.

And on that moment Osmond smiled and Sarah said

how can I go without you my mother?

And my mother said you can go.

You need to go.

And Osmond laughed.

She said,

that's a good decision.

I still don't remember the exact sentence of of my mother, but I remember Asmon's face and a fake smile to make herself brave or to show herself happy, but she's not happy.

She said,

you two go and I want to stay.

My mother, she was thinking about me.

and my siblings.

She was thinking about Sarah.

My mother was the one who experienced the Taliban's first regime.

She was the one who didn't get the chance to complete her education.

She knew how the Taliban's first regime was for women.

She said that

Sarah needs to go because

she needs to study.

It doesn't mean that we don't need to study, but the new government, the new country, the new rule will affect Sarah directly, then me and Osmo.

After the decision made, my mother helped us to pack.

So we pack two backpacks with some clothes for us and the urgent things we need.

Then we put on our long black dresses with scarves, masks and everything as much as we can hide ourselves, as much as we can cover ourselves.

The way the Taliban wants you to.

Your hands, your feet, nothing should be visible.

So I wear the black dress and Sarah also wear the black dress.

Both of us were completely covered with black dress and we were about to leave and I remembered the goodbye which was very hard.

Me and Sarah, both of us kissed my mother's hand and we were crying.

We were all crying, especially my mother

then um

i said bye to osmon which was hard for me because

she's not the type of girl who cries a lot i'm the type of girl who cries a lot but she's like showing kind of strong herself

but she cried too we all cried the last person who said goodbye was my mother and she said,

It means goodbye and I'm handing you to God.

It means

from that moment God is taking care of you, not me.

We took a taxi to the given address where the buses were waiting for us

our taxi stopped in one of the checkpoints which it's normal to be stopped

before the taliban we were stopped by police officers to know if there's any talib inside the taxi but we were stopped by taliban and i had the chance to see the very first talib in my life you had never seen a talib before no

i have heard them and i have seen their pictures, their videos, but I have never seen a tale.

He was a very young guy.

I don't know, maybe my age.

He had a rifle and he was wearing a wascat, which is traditional clothes, and he had a sword on his eyes.

which is black eyeliner to put something inside your eyes to make it look darker.

he was staring at me and i was staring at him i know that was like kind of scary feeling but

seeing a young person the same age of you

i have both feelings fear

and disappointed for him for his future but it was just a few minutes that i stared to him then we leave the checkpoints and we arrived.

So we arrived to final destination

and we noticed the crowd, more than like 200 people.

Was there a part of you that was thinking

maybe you were gonna turn around and go back?

There was a part of me and there was a like voice keep telling me don't leave, go back.

don't leave go back

despite hearing that voice i know all of us were going to be imprisoned inside the homes and for me it was impossible because i was a journalist i was writing against taliban

leaving is the only option so it's like your heart was saying don't go your head was saying you have to go yes the logic says go because of your future leaving will help you to have the chance to help your family.

But if you stay and if you lose the chance of leaving, you are going to lose a lot of things.

And so you get on the bus.

With that feeling of heartbreaking, we didn't have any other choice, so we sat on the bus.

It was five buses,

huge buses.

And me and Sarah were in the second bus right side second chair

the driver turned off the light in the bus closed the door and now it's dark inside Sara is sitting next to the window and I'm by her side we were feeling heartbreaking about our family at the same time We are praying that everything will be normal.

There are scenes of panic and pandemonium at Kabul Airport today as desperate people pour onto the runway trying to flee the country in what can only be described as a chaotic exodus.

We started moving to the airport and on that time the airport was under highest threats.

So it's like four to five or six checkpoints.

to get inside.

The growing crowds each day show few are dissuaded by the dangers.

This is how the United States is ending its longest war.

American troops just yards from the Taliban.

After the government collapse, thousands of people were sitting and waiting with our documents to leave the country.

Afghans are thronging to Kabul's airport, desperate to get on planes and leave the country.

The more crowded it becomes, it means the more close you are.

Airport authorities have called on the people to avoid crowding the airport.

And the driver said okay we are just a few minutes away.

That was the moment when the bomb exploded.

There's been an explosion of some type outside the Kabul airport.

We started getting reports about an explosion outside the Kabul airport.

Me and Sarah, because you were sitting at the right side of the bus, we have seen the lights of the bombs fire.

It was clearly visible.

People start

running.

Frantic people scattered in all directions after the explosion.

My mom called me.

She was crying and she was telling me to come back.

Across the city of Kabul, smoke could be seen above the airport.

When the explosion happened, I hugs our tight to say, it's okay, I'm with you.

It's okay, nothing happened.

You know what these noises.

She knows what are these noises.

She is familiar.

She was a witness of a lot of these things close to her home, close to our schools, close to our universities.

So she knows.

And I said, it's okay.

It's like others' explosion.

So don't think about that.

We are safe.

We are okay.

But I didn't know what would happen if I I die.

What would happen to Sorah?

The only thing I remember is while I'm alive, I need to keep my sister safe and alive.

So many wounded, some shoved into wheelbarrows.

Afghans would hope to be on an airplane tonight, flying to a safer place.

After the explosion, Taliban blocked all the gates, so there's no chances to get in the airport tonight.

So we are going to a safe place and park the buses, but we were not allowed to get out of the buses.

No one was allowed to get out of the buses.

You didn't even know where you were going?

No, we don't know.

We have food, but not enough food.

There were no restrooms around us, so we tried to drink and eat as less as we can.

Some of the kids and families slept that night.

Sort of slept for a few hours.

I didn't think I slept on that night because I have seen the videos and pictures of the bombing on social media.

It was kind of like a picture that would not let me sleep.

I didn't know what will happen next day.

I was afraid for both me and my sister.

When we wake up in the morning, we start

trying

again.

But the Taliban will not allow us to pass the checkpoint, so we stayed on the bus for two nights.

Then we received an update from the evacuation group that the buses is moving toward the airport gates.

This time is going to be our final attempt to the airport.

We are going to get in the airport or we are all going back.

So, this is it.

You're thinking if we don't get into the airport now, I'm stuck in Afghanistan.

Yes.

So, this is the very final try, but unfortunately, we faced another Taliban checkpoint,

and they were a different kind of Taliban.

Two of them come inside our bus and looking to us.

They were totally different than other Talibs.

They were like commandos wearing uniforms.

They were stronger, their bodies were bigger and they have covered their faces.

And they said, why are you leaving the country?

Stay with us.

If you stay with us, together we can make Islamic government.

And when they ask this question, nobody have the courage of answering.

And what are you thinking to yourself?

I say to myself, I'm done.

Bashaw, you are done.

Like you are thinking,

this is it for you.

Like

this is the end of the escape.

End of my life.

I thought they are going to kill me because on that time it was 4 a.m.

And nobody can notice if that Taliban was trying to kill all the passengers.

So they can do anything to us.

If they kill us here right now, no one knows that because nobody is here.

That was the time I said, Busha, you are done.

You really thought you were gonna die.

Yeah.

We are just trying to tell them that we have the permission.

Americans know about this mission, about this evacuation.

If they didn't have the permission, maybe they will kill us.

But because we have something on our hand which permit us to do this evacuation, the Taliban were

not allowed to do anything to us.

Wow.

So then do they finally leave?

They got off the bus.

And we were relieved and

hopeful that, okay, we're going to to have a try.

But then

the next thing we know,

I get a text from my friend.

She wrote to me, the Taliban won't allow anyone to pass the checkpoints.

We are out of options.

There's absolutely no way we can help you to get into the airport anymore.

Everything is shut down there.

It's absolutely heartbreaking for us, but you are on your own now try to get to a safe place

after all of this you see the words from her

what did that mean to you at that moment

there's no other choice

this is the new life and you're going to live under the Taliban

So I tried to ask her, what about us?

I mean, what's going on to happen?

And she said,

we tried everything we could do.

That was the moment that they said the mission was failed and we are on our own to go home.

When we came out of the buses after two nights, it was 7 a.m.

and everyone is trying to go to home, but

we were happy.

I don't know.

You were happy?

Yes, we were very happy.

Yeah, tell me a little bit about

your feeling.

It's been three days, two nights on a bus.

How did you feel when they opened those doors and you left the bus?

We were happy that we are going back to see Bosman and my mother.

It seems like it's been a long, long time.

I haven't seen both of them.

And I'm going back to them.

We arrived home.

And we noticed that the door is locked.

But as soon as we knocked the door, Osman opened the door.

She was awake.

It was like kind of a smile and a little bit shout.

I mean,

I love

with a noise.

And she said, I knew that you were coming back, coming back to me.

On that time, we hugged each other and we laughed loudly.

loud enough to wake our mother up

and then my mother come and she was happier more than usmon.

And we were like a circle, all four of each other.

So my mother said, tell me what you want to eat, what you want to eat, because she knows that we haven't eaten anything for a lot of hours.

And then I said, I need to sleep.

I slept until my phone woke me up at 4 p.m.

My friend was calling me and she told me one sentence, look to your WhatsApp messages.

And she got the phone.

When I opened my WhatsApp, the messages I received was with the headline of urgent.

They opened the gate for the Afghan people that are cleared and the Taliban is letting people through.

At this time, at the moment, we don't have 20 minutes.

We just need to move now.

Did you in that moment have any hesitation?

After all this journey that you went in the bus and you slept there for two nights and now you were finally back home, did you have a moment where you just said, I'm not going to do it again.

We'll just stay?

Yes.

The same exact sentence I said to myself.

There was...

Nobody in my room except Osmond and I said, it's not going to work and I don't want to go.

And Osmond told me, It's up to you.

If you don't want to go now,

or you have the courage or the confidence of staying in the country that's

ruled by the Taliban, by a terrorist group?

What will happen to your dreams?

Do you know what you want to do here?

She motivated me somehow to go and to use this chance.

Even after she couldn't go with you?

She couldn't go.

I called Sara and I told her they are trying once again.

Both of us put on our long black dresses,

scarfs, masks.

I asked Osmond, where is my mom?

And she said, my mom is not at home.

She went to meet.

one of her friends that not feeling okay or sick.

Then Osmond Osmond came to me and she said, But mom made khobli for you, which is my favorite food, which is rice, but raisins with lamb.

And I said, I don't have enough time to eat.

We say bye to Osmo, we say bye to our father, but we haven't got the chance to say the last goodbye to our mother,

or the last hat, or the last kiss.

It was 2 a.m.

when we arrived at the first Taliban checkpoint.

All the passengers got out and the Taliban were checking our documents.

A Taliban commander was speaking very good fluent English, calling the names.

everyone's first, last name and asking all family members to show themselves and then this commander allowing those family to get in the airport.

So I waited for about 25 minutes.

Then it was me and Sarah's turn.

After we passed the Taliban checkpoint, now I can see American soldiers with their uniforms right in front of me and I was really happy at that moment because When I see the American soldiers, I can see a plane, I can see the new world, I can see the new future.

It's finally really happening.

Yeah.

So we are now in the airport with that group.

Everyone is in no talent now.

So Sarah took out her burqa.

It was her first time in her life that she was wearing the long dress, and she hates that.

And she said, I don't want to wear this in my life anymore.

and thrash it and said, I don't want to wear that.

She threw it away yes

and now we can see american c-17 airplanes in front of us there's no tale left

the only thing we can see is americans their airplanes and american soldiers in front of us

the americans were trying

to put as much people as they can in a small place.

There are are more than 500 people and one C17 airplane.

So me and Sarah walk a little bit and try to find a space and sit.

There was no seatbelt.

And it was my first and Sarah's first time in an airplane.

How was Sarah feeling?

She was feeling happy because she loves planes.

From very first time that Sarah seen the airplanes, she was very excited.

And then when we get in there inside the airplane, the pilot of the C-17 was a girl.

And Sarah, she can't believe that.

She's picturing herself in their places.

Like, what if one time I will be a pilot like this?

So she was very excited.

But after the airplane took off, she noticed she's leaving Afghanistan.

It's like so many emotions for Sarah, it sounds like, in that moment.

It was for both of us, but for her, maybe more.

Everyone cried.

I cried.

Sarah cried.

The elder pupils in their 80s, 19s,

I noticed they're crying.

The young Those in front of us, back of us, right, left of us, they were crying.

I don't know why.

Maybe they are like us, they are leaving part of their family behind.

What were your feelings when that plane took off?

I don't know.

When I cried, I

cried

for leaving my mother and sister behind.

I cried for leaving my friends and classmates behind.

I cried because I'm leaving

my childhood, my past,

my

best year of my life.

I left all of them behind.

I know I'm leaving all those behind, but I'm also leaving the Taliban behind, which is a good part.

And I'm happy my first picture of the Talib

and my very last picture of the Taliban are all finished.

So you took off from Afghanistan on the 29th of August.

The next day the Americans left.

Did you know how close to the end you were at that time?

We don't know for sure, but

I think we were in the second to the last plane.

The last American plane has now flown out after two decades of war.

Just hours later, the Taliban rolled into Kabul airport, taking over the final piece of Afghanistan to be held by foreign troops.

It's now been more than a year.

You and Sarah made it to the U.S.

You reunited with your brother and now you're living in Maryland.

How's your family doing?

My mother is happy for both of us,

but more for Sarah,

because now when the Taliban closed the high schools, Sarah will be the one who will be able to have access to education in the U.S., which millions of other Afghan girls the same age as

are not able to do that.

She's also happy for Sarah because here she will be able to become a pilot, what she dreamed of.

How is that, that she's going to become a pilot?

She joined the Civil Air Patrol as a cadet and she's going there every Thursday night.

It's kind of like preschool, Air Force preschool, something like that.

She's a civil she's a cadet?

She's a cadet in civil air patrol.

Your mother must be happy.

She's very happy for both of us, but she misses us and we are missing her.

What is Asman doing now?

She's doing nothing.

Why I want to say that she's doing nothing because

She is in home.

She's not allowed to go outside

until she has someone, maybe

my father or someone from our family members to come and to be with her to go outside.

But she's sometimes

trying to read.

She wanted to be a clothes designer.

She loves organizing the clothes, matching the colors.

But unfortunately, it's kind of incomplete dream for her now.

Does Asman have a favorite color?

Yeah red.

She has a lot of red dress.

She loves wearing red dress, red lipsticks, a lot of red things.

She has a closet filled with colorful clothing

but when she goes out she can only wear black color,

black scarves, even black shoes, because they are not allowed to wear what they want to.

It seems like the whole nation is mourning.

And how are you doing?

You made it here, but your mom's not with you.

So you've had to be more than just a big sister to Sara, right?

Her position changed from a sister to a daughter

and we need to act different.

I need to act different now.

That must be that's hard.

That's hard for you.

That's hard for her.

Yeah, that's hard.

I'm not a good mother for her.

And that's obvious.

And she is, she, she's not a good daughter for me, too.

It needs a lot of time.

It needs

time.

We need...

We both need time to understand each other.

The only thing that is

not easy for her is us being apart from our mother.

Sometimes maybe last yesterday I told my mother that I am tired of cooking this

this bad foods because whenever I'm trying to cook, I cannot make it as good as

my mother.

And I said, I'm missing your cooking.

I wish you were here to cook for us because

whatever I'm trying, I cannot do it as good as you were doing.

Isn't it always the food, I think, that like reminds you the most at home?

Yes, definitely.

Do you like cook in the kitchen with your mom just like on the video and WhatsApp?

Yes, so whenever I'm cooking, my mother is kind of like a teacher or a chef on me.

And she, we are doing the um

it's like I want to put salt in a food

and I'm showing myself with a spoon.

Is that much okay?

My mom says, No, but more.

And I said, Is that much okay?

And the same thing

every steps.

She is trying to teach me, but it's hard, you know.

But

she's a good teacher.

Okay.

Okay.

This episode of Radio Atlantic was produced by Kevin Townsend, Theo Balcombe, and me, Claudine Nebade.

It was engineered by Matthew Simonson and fact-checked by Stephanie Hayes.

Special thanks to A.C.

Valdez, Rebecca Rashid, Emily Gottchok Marconi, Jeffrey Goldberg, and Adrienne LaFrance.

And of course, thanks to Bushra Siddiqui, who is now a fellow at The Atlantic magazine.

Her latest story is What Afghans Want the World to Know.