#81: Attach Too Quickly? How to stop the Cycle of Disappointment

So you've decided this is your season to find love.

You're finally ready to make finding someone a priority.

You're on the apps, making yourself available, going on dates.

Maybe you've even hired a matchmaker.

But there's a very important distinction that most women don't think about.

Wanting a relationship and thinking that you're ready for it because you want it.

doesn't mean you're actually really ready for love and it doesn't mean that you know how to do it either so wanting love and having the skills and the know-how to actually create a relationship are two very different things.

So today we are talking about one of the variables involved in launching yourself into a healthy relationship that most women get wrong in those early tender stages of dating.

Pacing.

If you fall fast, catch feelings early, and then end up in a cycle of hot, fast, and furious followed by fade and fizzle out, being disappointed over and over again, today's episode is for you.

We are talking about the anxious dating behaviors that are pushing love away and five real ways that you can start showing up from a place of confidence so that you're finally ready for the kind of love that lasts.

Hi, it's Hillary.

Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast.

Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.

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Here's the thing.

Being emotionally available isn't about how much you want love.

It's about how grounded, patient, and secure you can be when things are uncertain in those early days, when things are hot and sexy and scary and exciting and anxiety provoking all at the same time.

In those early critical days, feelings can be so intense and can often hijack your rational mind.

So it's absolutely critical to be able to regulate yourself and stay grounded and true to yourself when mutual feelings aren't instant or guaranteed.

So does this sound familiar?

You go on one great date, he's charming and smart and you feel chemistry.

Maybe you even have that long effortless conversation that makes you think, wow, finally.

And you leave the date feeling high and hopeful and you're thinking maybe this is the one and then the crazy making begins you refresh your phone and you're wondering if he's gonna text you and you're overanalyzing what you said and what did he mean and if you were cool enough or interesting enough or just enough and then you skip Pilates to squeeze in time with him or you cancel plans with your friends you make yourself super available in case he asks you out again and by date three, you're emotionally all in.

But here's the problem.

And you do already know this rationally.

But the rationality goes out the window in those early moments.

You don't know him.

You are not in love.

You are in love with the idea of him.

And you're addicted to how you feel in these moments.

It's titillating.

But this all-in mentality is the wrong vibe for sure.

It feels like pressure.

It feels like desperation.

It's a whole lot of need and eagerness, which is not consistent with who you are on paper.

This energy does not add up.

It's incongruent with the other parts of you and how you show up in all the other areas of your life.

And it does not feel good to a healthy, emotionally available men.

Chasing love from a place of urgency isn't the same thing as being emotionally mature.

In fact, it's the opposite because emotional maturity means you can sit in the discomfort of not knowing.

It means you can be patient and navigate the pacing and the unfolding of whatever it may be.

And you can go on a great date and not spiral or get ahead of yourself.

And you can feel the spark and enjoy that feeling, but you're not immediately planning your future.

And you can allow yourself to care about someone little by little and do it without losing your balance, abandoning your schedule, or deciding that you want a relationship with him before you even know if he's qualified for the position.

So if your dating life feels like a cycle of intensity or hope followed by disappointment and let down, this might be why.

So let's get into the five specific ways that you can start showing up differently in these early tender stages when you're dating so you can stay in your power and build connection from a place of real emotional security.

So number one, stay focused on your own life.

I get it, you have a lot of love to give and when you love, you love hard.

So I know how it feels.

feels when you meet someone new and exciting and just how tempting it is to rearrange your whole schedule schedule just to squeeze in more time.

But doing that too early sends the message that you don't have a life of your own.

You are too available and all of a sudden your whole world revolves around him.

That is not high value ladies.

Stay in the present, be right where you are, do not get ahead of yourself and be committed to your own life.

Keep your appointments, go to your dinner dates with friends, and let him earn a place in your life.

Don't automatically hand it over because the vibes were good and the potential is high in those first couple of dates.

An emotionally available man does not want you to abandon your life for him.

He wants to be invited into a life that's already full.

This is what you want, so why would it be any different for the kind of man that you want to be with?

Number two, keep those early dates short and intentional.

I know it's super tempting to extend those first couple of dates into those romantic marathons, but those all-day hangouts create a false sense of intimacy.

The longer that you linger, the easier it is to start building fantasies in your head.

So keep early dates short, like two hours max.

Give yourself time to reflect and see how you feel and to stay grounded.

When you keep things paced, it helps you stay in the reality of the moment and in the present rather than projecting into the future.

This is true emotional availability.

Number three, match his effort, not his potential.

I know you want to believe the best in people and see the best in people.

You see the spark and the charm and the possibility, but dating based on potential is a fast track to heartbreak.

Start paying attention to how he shows up, not how you hope he might.

Is he following through?

Is he consistent?

Is he curious about you?

If not, stop investing more energy than he's giving.

Secure women don't chase.

They don't overfunction.

They mirror the energy and they let the man reveal themselves over time.

I know it's really hard when you like him and you want him to pursue you, but you have to resist the temptation and the urge to take control and do the pursuing yourself.

Lean back, ladies, and remember step one, just focus on your own amazing life.

That doesn't go out the window just because you met someone that you like.

Number four, delay physical intimacy, period.

I know it is so hard to do when the chemistry is hot, and especially if it's been a long time since you felt that hot, sexy friction and since you have felt desired, and maybe it's been a while since you've had sex, but most women get anxious and attached after sex.

And if you think that isn't the case for you, let me ask you this.

Do you have any expectations of him afterwards?

Because if your expectations of him change at all after you've been physically intimate, then yes, sex does change things for you.

Even a thought like, he should at least call me the next day, is an expectation.

I actually give our ready-for-love clients a very specific set of guidelines around sex and physical intimacy because it's something that most of us never learn from anyone along the way and we have done completely wrong most of our lives.

Sex changes everything, so be very strategic about when you start the physical part of your relationship and take care of yourself here and make sure that the connection that you have with him overall is commensurate with the level of physical intimacy or it becomes a sexual relationship only.

Or if you wait too long, the flame fizzles and you end up in the friend zone.

Timing is everything when it comes to sex.

And number five, don't build a bond over text.

You're not in a relationship yet, so don't act like you are and go into deep sharing mode via text or even a three-hour phone conversation.

Texting and phone calls are a tool to make plans and flirt, but not a place to divulge your deepest emotions.

People do and say all kinds of things hiding behind their phones.

So don't allow yourself to fall for someone who is playing a role.

It's like an actor in a movie.

And don't overshare or defend your feelings or manage the dynamic of this connection through your phone.

Let the connection build in real life, in person.

And if you feel the urge to explain or justify or over clarify via text, pause and check in.

And ask yourself, am I trying to be understood?

Am I trying to control how he sees me?

Because trying to manage perception is usually rooted in fear and fear is not where love grows at all.

So here's the bottom line.

The very things that you think are helping you feel secure might actually be pushing love away.

Emotionally available men who are healthy are drawn to confidence and balance and calm.

They are repelled by eagerness or the constant need for reassurance or the energy of trying to force the connection.

When you date from security, you naturally turn off the men who are not ready and attract the ones who are.

And that is the energy that makes you truly ready for love.

If you're tired of falling too fast, giving too much, and ending up with crumbs, it's time to learn how to date differently.

So watch my free masterclass, how high-achieving women attract the love of their lives without wasting time dating all the wrong men.

You'll find the link at readyforloveinc.com forward slash masterclass.

Or if you've already done that, you can apply for a free breakthrough call with my team at readyforloveinc.com forward slash apply.

Thanks for being here.

Make sure to subscribe and I'll see you next time.