Stop Mothering Your Man

Speaker 1 Have you ever noticed in your relationships that you're not just the girlfriend or the wife, but you're also the therapist, the business coach, the personal assistant, the social planner, the cheerleader, and the organizer of all things?

Speaker 1 If you're nodding your head right now, you are not alone. There's actually a new name for this.

Speaker 1 The New York Times recently ran a piece about what they called man-keeping, the invisible labor and role that women take on to keep their relationships, and honestly, their men-afloat.

Speaker 1 It's everything from planning the date nights to remembering the birthdays to being the one who is a safe space for him to vent and cry to.

Speaker 1 Carrying the mental, emotional, social, and even physical load of his life on top of your own is exhausting, and quite frankly, it's a turnoff.

Speaker 1 And it's why so many women are opting out of relationships right now.

Speaker 1 But rather than just complain about it and feed into all the drama and hysteria, we need to be asking a very simple but important question: how do we fix this issue?

Speaker 1 And so that is what we are going to be talking about today.

Speaker 1 Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast.

Speaker 1 Thanks for tuning into the conversation today.

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Speaker 1 Let's be honest, when you're scheduling his doctor's appointments, making sure that he gets his work done, managing his moods, and holding all the calendar things together, you don't feel like his equal.

Speaker 1 You feel like his mom. And ew, that is not sexy.
For either of you, nothing kills attraction faster than mothering a man.

Speaker 1 This dynamic and so-called mankeeping doesn't just drain your energy, it changes the entire vibe of the relationship.

Speaker 1 You can't feel adored, cherished, or desired when you're basically parenting him, and he can't show up as your partner or your lover with this masculine and feminine energy dynamic all distorted between you.

Speaker 1 The passion dies and suddenly you're not two equals building a life together. You're running a daycare.

Speaker 1 And the relationship becomes filled with resentment, power struggle, and is void of the intimacy and connection from two whole individuals choosing to share their lives.

Speaker 1 It might seem like you just have two choices. Behind door number one, suffer these burdensome, unfulfilling relationships.

Speaker 1 Behind door number two, fuck it, just stay single because who wants all of that? But the truth is, there is a door number three, one where you single-handedly get to break these patterns.

Speaker 1 And it's not by changing all the deeply entrenched generational social and emotional problems of men, because of course that's impossible. You do this by changing yourself.

Speaker 1 It's really tempting to just pile it on and blame men.

Speaker 1 That's honestly what most people are doing, saying that men are just big kids and they never grow up and complaining that they always lean on us for everything and what would they do without us.

Speaker 1 But the bitter pill, the hard truth, is this is happening because not only are you allowing it, but you are potentially even inviting it, encouraging it. You swoop in and act like Mighty Mouse.

Speaker 1 Here I come to save the day. All the talk right now is on how men are falling behind and struggling.

Speaker 1 And it's hard to pity or have empathy for men when this entire system and infrastructure of our world has been built by men for their own advantage. But if they fall, we all go down with them.

Speaker 1 And despite all the frustration, we are wired for connection. We are relational beings.
And most of us do want a partner to share our lives with.

Speaker 1 So the only solution is to stop complaining and blaming and just fucking fix it. The only way that we can, which is to take responsibility for how we women are showing up.

Speaker 1 Yes, the men need to do their own work.

Speaker 1 And it starts with the early conditioning of boys around emotional intelligence and self-esteem and healthy masculinity and a whole new paradigm of partnership that most midlife men were not exposed to when they were young.

Speaker 1 But yes, same is true for us.

Speaker 1 We were conditioned to be the glue, to be the wonder woman, to do all the things for all people and put ourselves last, and that we are somehow noble for being selfless, and that our worth comes from helping people and being of service.

Speaker 1 And it's feminine to be a caretaker and all that other bullshit.

Speaker 1 So in essence, the real truth is that we are doing this to ourselves because even if the men in our lives are leaning on us too much, we sign up. We are the load-bearing pillar that they lean on.

Speaker 1 We too quickly step in and fill the gap rather than just leaving the vacant space so he can fill it himself.

Speaker 1 When you pick up all the slack instead of holding a boundary, when you keep rescuing him because it feels easier than watching him struggle or wondering if something will get done at all, and when it feels good to be needed, and when your worth and value comes from giving and helping and rescuing, you sign up for this and are complicit complicit in creating this dynamic.

Speaker 1 You are getting something out of it and then you resent him.

Speaker 1 And so here's the thing, you are robbing him of the opportunity to do it himself and to do it for you. And over time, he just becomes the fat cat having everything handed to him on a platter.

Speaker 1 You give him a great life and he doesn't really do anything to contribute.

Speaker 1 But the real kicker here is it may seem great to men at first to have all of this handed to him, but over time it erodes his own self-worth even more because we all need to contribute.

Speaker 1 You are filling in this space that he needs to be taking up. You are taking away the opportunity for him to step in and step up.
And then it becomes about your win.

Speaker 1 Or if things don't go well, you take responsibility for the fall.

Speaker 1 You also then get to control things and have things done your way and on your own timeline. So there's something in it for you being this way.
You are the hero hero rescuing him.

Speaker 1 But that's when mankeeping becomes in reality woman allowing. So how do you stop it? Here's the magic pill.
The moment that you stop over functioning, the dynamic changes.

Speaker 1 The moment that you let him carry his own weight, the energy shifts. He has to be his own hero first, and then he can actually become your hero rather than the other way around as it has been.

Speaker 1 When you set clear boundaries and say what you will and will not do, you reclaim your power. This isn't about being cold or withholding love.

Speaker 1 It's about showing up as your full self, not the watered down, overworked version of you. To be honest, it's the murder version inside of all of us.

Speaker 1 You cannot be the rescuer, the overfunctioning version of you. And yes, maybe he will resist at first.
He may be uncomfortable and he may not like this at all.

Speaker 1 But a man who truly values himself and you will rise to meet the occasion and if he doesn't he's telling you everything that you need to know about whether he's even capable of partnership so what does this look like in practice it looks like saying i'd love for you to plan our next date i want to feel taken care of too or if he asks where should we go you could just say I really trust you to pick something wonderful for us.

Speaker 1 You know what I like and you know what we like, so go for it. It looks like letting him sit with his stress instead of stepping in as his unpaid therapist.

Speaker 1 It looks like allowing him to experience the discomfort of having to figure things out without you rushing in to save the day.

Speaker 1 And it looks like you finally having the energy, the clarity, and the joy to be in a relationship where you're partners, not all those other roles.

Speaker 1 You get to lean back and receive what he's offering you and what he is giving to you. And that's because there is space for him to do it.

Speaker 1 So here's an example, a real tangible, practical example from my own relationship that you may be able to relate to.

Speaker 1 Early on in our relationship, my husband, probably then boyfriend, would say things like, we should do this or we should do that. And then I would just take it upon myself to do it.

Speaker 1 I'm a make-it-happen kind of person anyway. I'm a doer.
But after a while, it occurred to me that we should meant you should,

Speaker 1 as in me, Hillary. At first, I interpreted it as he intended this to mean I should do it.

Speaker 1 But the important thing here is this, where everyone else gets hung up on these things, it really doesn't matter what he may or may not have intended.

Speaker 1 Whether he meant that I should do it or not, it's what I heard and therefore my actions that followed. I interpreted it the way that I did.

Speaker 1 Over the years, 25 years of them to be exact, I have learned to stop doing this. And my response now to that we should statement is simply, great, great idea.
I love it. Go for it.

Speaker 1 Let me know if you need help. I refuse to take it on myself.
If it's something he thinks that should be done, he can do it.

Speaker 1 Because I have my own long list of things I think should be done, and I'm already doing them. We still have a shared should list that we both do together.

Speaker 1 And when the shoulds are something that we both value, it's a discussion about who will take it on. But it is 100% no longer a default assumption that it's my job to do it.

Speaker 1 It's so simple and powerful at the same time. Now, I know that some of you are already hearing the objections in your own head, but what if he doesn't ask me out? Can I ask him?

Speaker 1 Or, but what if he doesn't do that thing that's so important and it affects me? Or what if he's struggling? It doesn't matter. Swooping in to save the day means he doesn't get to save himself.

Speaker 1 He doesn't get to rise to the occasion and learn and grow. He needs needs to rescue himself, to accomplish these things himself, to experience the consequences or the triumphs of his own actions.

Speaker 1 And you stepping in to manage him and be the buffer or the safety net not only delays his own growth, it completely inhibits it. Will there be consequences?

Speaker 1 Yes, maybe it means that you don't get to go out with him if he can't ask you out. But that is good information for you about who he is.

Speaker 1 My personal mantra when I was single was, if he doesn't ask me for my number, he can't have it. And if he doesn't ask me out on a date, then he doesn't get to go out with me.

Speaker 1 It really helped me stop stepping in. Try that because it does work.
Wouldn't you rather know the truth about who you're with than to carry or invite a dynamic that drains you?

Speaker 1 Hearing this might mean that some of you are getting triggered and you feel, well, selfish or guilty thinking, like, isn't love about being there for each other? Nobody's perfect.

Speaker 1 perfect we all need help sometimes and yes that's true but mutually love is about partnership and reciprocity not parenting you can be supportive and loving and nurturing and stand with him without carrying him so here's the takeaway that i want you to leave with today Projects are for landscaping your backyard, ladies, not for your love life.

Speaker 1 And you are not a therapy center. You are not a personal assistant.
You are not a daycare. You are a woman who deserves partnership.

Speaker 1 And partnership means both of you showing up fully, emotionally, socially, practically, to create something balanced and alive.

Speaker 1 And it starts with you owning this tendency to step in and start leaning back with healthy boundaries for yourself. So this week, I want you to pick one place where you've been over functioning.

Speaker 1 And I promise there probably is at least one.

Speaker 1 Stop stepping in. Experiment with leaning back.
Say no. Let something go undone.
Let him take it on. And then notice what happens.
Notice the relief in your body.

Speaker 1 Notice the energy that comes back when you stop carrying someone else's load.

Speaker 1 Notice how much more space there is for actual connection, for intimacy, for attraction when you're not over-functioning in the relationship. Just be his date.
Just be his lover, his partner.

Speaker 1 Stop taking on all these roles that are not part of a healthy romantic relationship. This is our part of the problem that we can fix whether he does anything or not.

Speaker 1 You can single-handedly change this dynamic by owning your responsibility, your role, and your contribution to it. And if you're listening to this and realizing, yep, this is me.

Speaker 1 I've been mothering, managing, and mankeeping for years, and I don't know how to stop, that is the work that we do inside of Ready for Love.

Speaker 1 We help you break free from all of these deeply embedded patterns, reclaim your boundaries, and create the kind of love where you are cherished as the woman that you are, not as the mom he never grew out of needing.

Speaker 1 If you're ready for that shift, book a call with my team. The link is in the show notes, or you can go to readyforloveinc.com forward slash apply.

Speaker 1 And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who needs to hear it. Leave a review and hit subscribe so you never miss what's coming next.