#93: Why You Keep Attracting Narcissists and How to Break the Cycle

If it seems like everyone you're attracting is a narcissist, or you have a pattern of falling for men who turn out to be selfish, manipulative, or emotionally unhealthy, this episode is a must-listen because I'm going to tell you something no one else in your life is willing to say, and it's the one thing that you need to hear most.

This isn't another list of red flags or tricks to spot the next narcissist. You've already done all of that.

Instead, I'm going to tell you the truth about why these men keep keep finding you and how you've been unknowingly attracting them. In fact, you've been a magnet for them and don't even know it.

So today's episode will set you free and help you eliminate this exhausting, painful pattern once and for all.

Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast.

So let's start with what you're actually dealing with here. There are a lot of different kinds of narcissists, believe believe it or not.

The covert ones, the charming ones, the grandiose, the wounded, the manipulative. And each type engages in relationships differently.
So the nuances are ever so slightly different.

But we're not going to get that granular today because trying to decode or diagnose them is not going to help you steer clear of them.

In fact, the whole point of our conversation today is that it's not about them at all because studying their psychology, trying to figure them out only sucks you further into their world and continues to have you focusing on them.

Haven't we all just had about enough of that already? Yes, we have. It is time to focus on you.
So first, let's talk about what it feels like to be in a relationship with a narcissist.

It's very unpleasant, but for those of you who've not experienced it, you need to understand how soul-sucking it is. And for those of you who have been in it, it will just help you feel validated.

So in the beginning, it can feel magical. He comes in fast and intense and confident, and he mirrors your energy and says all the right things.

So, maybe he's charming and well-liked by many people, so you feel seen and chosen and special and understood.

It feels like a connection that you've been waiting for your entire life, and that's how they hook you. And then, little by little, something shifts.
He says something critical of you.

He twists your words into something you didn't mean, or he uses something that you shared with him against you later. He says one thing one day and another opposite thing the next.

He'll do something hurtful and then tell you it didn't happen or that you misunderstood or that you're just too sensitive.

At first, you might just kind of overlook some of these things because it doesn't seem like a big deal. Maybe you were mistaken or confused.
Maybe you did misunderstand.

But then it happens more often and it always seems to be your fault. You apologize and bend over backwards to keep the peace, just in case maybe he's right and you did cause the problem.

Then, he's sad because of something you did. He's angry because you pushed him there.

So you find yourself caretaking his feelings and tiptoeing around his moods, trying to manage his reactions before they even happen. Slowly, you start losing your grip on reality.

You begin to question yourself, your memory, your judgment, and your worth. And without even realizing it, you've all but disappeared.

The relationship becomes all about him, his moods, his needs, his problems, his timeline. You have all but disappeared in this relationship and you really no longer recognize yourself at all.

The woman that you were at the beginning is now anxious, walking on eggshells and constantly second guessing everything she says and does, a hollowed out version of herself.

I know that sounds like a lot, but I am not exaggerating. It is literally like getting sucked into a vortex.

Breaking away from a relationship like this is hard because it happens so slowly and subtly that by the time you realize what's going on, you've already lost pieces of yourself.

And so you're not as strong as you used to be. So when it ends, you're not just heartbroken.
You're disoriented. You don't even trust yourself.
You don't even know what's real anymore.

And it can take time to really recover from a relationship like this and to settle yourself and to find your sense of reality and normal again. Here's the most unfathomable part.

You'd think that going through that kind of experience would keep you from ever falling for it again, but it doesn't. It happens all the time.

We've done over 15,000 consultations with women looking for our help and ready for love, and I've heard it all.

Women will go through the terrible, acrimonious process of divorcing or leaving a narcissist only to date or get into another relationship with yet another narcissist.

And so, this is where so many women are let down by the very people they rely on and trust, people who are supposed to help them heal.

Therapists, coaches, especially those who call themselves narcissistic abuse helpers. They all point to the narcissist as the scary big bad wolf.
And here's why. They all say the same thing.

He's such a narcissist. He's crazy.
He's toxic. You poor thing.
You didn't deserve that. And while all of that might be true, none of that will actually help you.

They say that because all that you've been through is so utterly traumatic and abusive. They don't want to make you feel bad.
They won't wanna make things worse for you.

They wanna put their arms around you and hold you and hug you and help you and make you feel better. But none of that will actually help you be better.

Pointing the finger at him keeps the entire conversation centered on him, what he did to you, and how awful he is. They are trying to be supportive and helpful, I know.

Most people aren't going to turn that finger back at you after all that you've been through because that would be perceived as blaming the victim, right? No one in their right mind would dare do that.

So the real question that goes unasked and unanswered, but it's the one question that will actually set you free and keep you from ever getting involved with another narciss ever again, that question is this.

But what about you?

What did you do? What's your role here? What's your contribution to this dynamic? What's going on inside of you that made this dynamic possible in the first place?

What was going on with you before you met this person that made it possible for him to come along and do this with you? That is the part no one wants to touch.

So listen, the narcissist and all the chaos they bring, yeah, they are a big fucking problem, a massive problem, but that is not your problem.

You are your own problem.

We all are. Always.
There is something that you are thinking, feeling, believing, or doing. Your way of showing up in your love life is making you a magnet for these men.

And the problem with narcissistic abuse recovery is that the entire focus is on what they did to you, which means you never look at what was going on with you before he showed up.

The things about you that made you susceptible to attracting and being sucked in by someone like this in the first place. These are you.
issues.

And if you only focus on what he did to you, you don't learn where you went wrong. You don't heal those parts of you that existed before he came along.
And guess what?

That is exactly how it happens again. If you don't change, then your reality doesn't change.
Your story doesn't change.

You just repeat the patterns over and over again, but continue to blame the narcissist and gather an army of supporters around you pointing to him as the problem. And so on and so on.

So, while it is hard to own up to being part of the problem when they have been so incredibly abusive and toxic and harmful, it is the only way to ensure it never happens again.

You can make sure of it. It makes perfect sense when I say it like that, right? And let's be honest, you've probably asked yourself, what is it with me? Why does this keep happening to me?

How did I not see it? You're asking yourself those questions, so let's answer them now.

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I'm going to tell you the truth right right now without shame or blame what no one else is willing to say to you that makes you a sitting duck.

It makes you easy prey for these types in your life so that you can safeguard yourself from it. First, stop focusing on how he hurt you and be willing to see how you hurt you.
Let me say that again.

Stop focusing on how he hurt you and be willing to look at how you hurt you.

It's a perspective shift for sure because when you overlook or allow bad behavior, minimize their hurtful comments, make excuses for him, doubt yourself, compromise your boundaries and put your worth in his hands, this is self-betrayal and self-abandonment.

And that is the worst kind because you've done it to yourself. This is about your relationship with yourself.
And if you refuse to own it, you'll continue to do this with the next guy and the next.

It's a you problem, not a him problem. And being like this is 100% what makes you attractive to a narcissist.
As I said, we all contribute to the dynamics we're in.

If you refuse to see your role in it, you will only just repeat it over and over again. Who were you before he came along?

This is the work you need to do on yourself, not the healing from what he did, but healing from something prior to that relationship. Second, stop focusing on how to avoid the narcissist.

I know you never want this to happen again, so you're hyper-vigilant now. You have your binoculars out and your microscope out so you can scout out all the red flags.

You're scrutinizing and dissecting and looking for all the signs that this next guy might be a narcissist, also you can avoid it.

This is like going on a scavenger hunt where you're looking for the thing that you want to find. But if you keep operating this way, you will only get more of them in your life.

That is how it works because you get what you expect. The universe gives you what you focus on.

So stop focusing on what you don't want and instead focus on what you do want and learn to trust yourself. Get to a point where you know that if this guy ever crosses your path, you can handle it.

because you know what works for you and what doesn't. Again, it's about you.
Stay in your own lane, fearlessly putting yourself out there, free and clear to let love in.

Now you are showing up relaxed, light, fun, and your best self, knowing you will always get your own back. Here's the truth.
You don't stop attracting a narcissist by becoming an expert on them.

You stop by becoming deeply loyal to you. And third, you need to know the magnet traits that make you a target so you can flip them.
These are the patterns that make you easy access for takers.

And none of these mean that you're broken. They just signal where you've been abandoning yourself.
So we're going to go through the list now. The first magnet trait is people pleasing.

You perform to be liked, loved, and accepted, which teaches others that your needs are optional. You train people that you don't matter, which is perfect for a narcissist, right?

Because then they can take up all the space. Second, conflict avoidance.
You bite your tongue to keep the peace, but meanwhile, allow your boundaries to be crossed.

You ghost yourself before he even can. Third, you're starving for attention and you're hungry for love.
So any hit of interest feels like oxygen. You accept crumbs and call it connection.

Fourth, chasing external validation. When his approval provides your worth, you do anything, including putting yourself at risk or sacrificing yourself to get it.
Fifth, needing to be needed.

So the rescuer, helper, fixer, empath types, that's who I'm talking about right now.

You over give and over function to feel valuable and in control, inviting takers to plug into your endless power source at your own expense.

What all of these have in common is that they are all a low vibrational frequency. In fact, it's the lowest that you can vibrate at, this victim murder energy.
And here's what happens.

Like attracts like. So you attract the men who also don't feel good about themselves.
It presents differently for each of you, but like a puzzle piece, you fit together.

There is no shame in loving hard and loving fully. Your giving, nurturing big-hearted lots of love to give empathy is not the problem.

But doing that without an internalized sense of worth, and without discernment is a problem.

When you are willing to see how you have contributed to and co-created the dynamics that you've been experiencing in relationships, you can then do your own healing work and raise your frequency so you're no longer available for any relationship that requires you to abandon yourself.

This is the only way to assure yourself, to promise yourself that you will never let it happen again.

You must fully own your role in the dynamic of attracting a narcissist because until you do, nothing's going to change for you.

You will get back out there and do it again and again and again and again.

That is the trap. So please, please hear my words today.
No shame, no blame.

We're just solving a problem that is totally solvable because I'm willing to tell you and you're hopefully willing to hear how you are creating this for yourself.

This is the only way to assure yourself, to promise yourself that you will never ever let it happen again. Thanks for being here.
Thanks for hearing my tough love. I hope you enjoyed our conversation.

Please share it with someone who needs to hear it so you don't have to be the one saying it. I'll see you next time.