Abbey Grange - Part One

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Yeah, anyway, um,

I hope you enjoyed the golden pants now.

Sorry about all the uh

thanks for listening.

That's

Why don't you show me the levels?

What?

Uh.

Test.

Test.

Where's the bloody.

Oh, it's that even recording if I can't see the

test.

Golden Pants Nay, Sherlock and Co.

Test.

John Watson testing the mic in his bedroom.

221B Baker Street.

Test.

Test on the 10th of December, 2023.

Hello.

Hello, hello.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry, I didn't want to just.

No, no, it's okay.

But I could hear you.

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm just re-recording the end of Golden Pants Nave Part 3.

It goes out in like two days, yep.

Right, okay.

Uh, two things.

Uh, I know your mom just stayed over, but guess what?

Oh, no, what did she do?

Please don't let it be weird.

No, nothing.

I I was just saying, now my mother is visiting.

Oh,

okay.

Whew, great.

She's gonna have my room, and I'm gonna have the couch, so the office is kinda.

It's fine, don't worry.

And the second thing: um, speaking of the office, Stanley Hopkins is on the phone.

Oh, is it about the case?

He says it's something else, and he needs you right now.

Okay,

um,

okay.

My name is Dr.

John Watson, once of the British Army Northumberland Fusilier Regiment, now a true crime podcaster based in central London.

I don't have much experience in criminology, so this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know.

Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes.

Holmes.

Morning.

Morning, morning, morning.

Welcome to the

something of July 2025.

I am your tourist partner for the day.

Our dear Mariana has ventured off to

I don't know, Spain, I think.

I wasn't listening.

So we, even though we promised it to each other after a few pints,

you promised we were going to have a touristy day in London, did we not?

No.

Ha ha ha.

Look.

Look, it's on your calendar.

Trains of Northern Europe, 2025 calendar.

Good lord, mate.

Tourist Day with Watson, it proclaims.

Huh?

Ha ha ha ha.

Calendar says it.

That means it must be done.

Your rules, not mine.

Up we get.

Up we get to quote a really irritating guy I know: chop chop, the game is afoot.

Up we go.

This claw is defective.

Yeah, they all are.

Just aim for the teddy near the actual shoot.

I don't want that teddy.

Well, we don't want any teddies.

We just want you to win, you complete.

Oh, that's unbelievable.

Absolutely unbelievable.

Look at the um

Claribel.

And on your right, you'll see Harrods.

There it is.

Look.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, I have seen it walking.

You can buy many, many things in Harrods, and even as late as the 1960s, you could buy a real lion cub.

Yeah.

No, that's crazy.

Can we get off this bloody bus now?

Wow, look at this one.

Here lies Sir Isaac Newton.

Incredible.

I like this one.

What, Isaac Newton?

No, Westminster Abbey.

Very appealing.

Very satisfactory tourist activity.

Yeah, dead famous folk.

What's not to like?

I, with grief and extreme age, shall perish, and nevermore behold thy face again.

Therefore, take with thee my most grievous curse.

Whisper the spirits of thine enemies and promise them success and victory.

Bloody thou art, bloody will be thy end.

Shame serves thy life and doth thy death attend.

Stay,

madam, I must talk a word.

I have no more sons of the royal blood for thee to slaughter, Richard.

All unavoided is the doom of destiny.

Nasty bastard, mate, I'm telling you.

I don't quite understand how you hold such disdain for a man that lived over 500 years ago.

Well, because, you know, Richard III is just like

one of those guys, isn't he?

How could we possibly determine if he is one of those guys?

Yeah, well, you know, that play we just watched for a start.

Shakespeare doesn't get much wrong, does he?

William Shakespeare provides us with many things, but accurate insight into a king that was at least a hundred years before his time is not one of them.

Yeah, the whole time through that, though, I was just thinking, you know, laugh it up, Dicky mate, because some weird woman's going to find you in a car park in Leicester one day.

Sorry, I don't quite follow.

Richard III was in a car park.

Yeah, he was buried in one.

In a car park?

Well, no, someone just chucked his body in a ditch back in the day.

And the car park was later constructed.

That's right, yeah, yeah.

Killed in battle.

I think, big axe to the face, as you do.

Then, um, you know, dragged naked by a horse for a while.

Why?

Don't know.

Don't know.

I guess they didn't have TV back then, so you've got to make your own fun, haven't you?

Once again, it seems rather cruel.

Because he was a bell end, mate.

And being dragged naked by a horse befits such a person, does it?

Ah, you two, man.

Hey, Wiggins.

You make this eavesdropping business painful.

Jesus.

Watson here was discussing the demise of Richard III.

Sherlock feels bad for a man that is literally the cockney rhyming slang for turn.

Don't you guys work no more?

Uh, we're on holiday.

You're on holiday?

Yep.

In London.

Yep.

The place where you live.

Yeah, we're being tourists.

Look, take our picture.

Come on, man.

Are you kidding?

Please don't.

It beasts Tower Bridge.

Come on.

I mean, look at that beauty.

Actually, you get in the picture too, Wiggins.

Come on.

In you get, Wiggles.

Yeah, I'm not getting in the picture.

Do we have to smile?

Yes.

Three, two, one.

Cheese.

Cheese.

Glorious.

There, done.

Is this what happens when the boss goes away, is it?

Oh, well, ha.

Firstly, Mariana is our business partner, not our boss.

Secondly, how did you know she's away?

Cause I know everything and everyone.

In fact, your boss pays me to know those things.

Oh, you know everyone, do you?

Everyone that matters, pal.

Like, I don't know this lad here on the bike.

You're right, we get.

Oh, maybe I do.

Ah, can you not?

What?

Don't lean over the side.

Why not?

I'm looking at the river.

Yes, but I'd rather you didn't.

Why?

Rather mesmerizing, though, isn't it?

The churn and flow of the water.

The reason why, Sherlock, is I don't want you to fall into the river.

Well, I kinda want you to now.

I'd survive it.

Yeah, and I'd survive another two hours of Shakespeare, mate.

Doesn't mean I want to do it.

Quite the remarkable structure, isn't it?

Tower Bridge.

Mm-hmm.

Very nice.

Do you fancy a pint, Wiggles?

We're not doing this Wiggles thing, alright, John?

Why not?

I like it.

Technological marvel of the Victorian era.

Imagine being present in 1894 for its erection, Watson.

Yeah, no, thanks.

Just imagine the erection, man.

Are you picturing the erection, yeah?

Hmm, I would say act your age, but you are actually a child.

I'm 18.

Well, 18 and under get discounted tickets at the Tower of London, mate, if you want to join us for our next tourist experience.

Never mind discounted.

I'll get you in there for free, man.

I thought you wanted a point.

point.

Wait, wait,

you can get us in for free?

Yep.

Why?

Because I know everyone.

Right, right.

This is now known as the Bloody Tower, of course.

But when it was first built in the 1200s, it was known as the Garden Tower.

A much nicer name, I think we'd all agree.

But its notoriety eventually prompted the new title.

Nothing more notorious, of course, than the murder of Edward V and Richard of Shrewsbury.

Just twelve and nine years old at the time, they were put into the tower by their uncle for safekeeping.

But they were never seen again.

And that uncle became the king we know as Richard III.

See, told you, mate, Wanker.

Sorry, what was that?

Uh I just said it's very sad.

Very sad.

Very disturbing for the people at the time.

The princes in the tower, as they were known, their disappearance prompted a furious backlash and the uprising by Henry Tudor, who eventually defeated Richard in battle and took the crown for himself, becoming Henry VII.

That, of course, is the convenient truth.

The inconvenient one is that Henry himself disposed of the boys and used it as a touchpaper from which his rebellion was lit.

And if you'd like to follow me, come through this way.

See.

Told you, mate.

This Thames path goes on forever.

Not quite.

How long does it go on for then?

It finished back at the flood barrier in Woolwich.

Oh.

But this particular trail will continue right to its mouth, where it breaks out into its estuary before emptying into the North Sea.

Yeah, right.

Well, maybe we don't go all the way to the North Sea.

How about that?

Where are we now?

Gravesend.

Wow, we cycled to Kent.

We did indeed.

Now we really are on holiday.

If we turn off here.

Yeah, Roger, that turning off, doing the little cyclist hand signal.

A bit lainty at my execution there, but otherwise pretty good.

We can just eventually take the high street right up to Ebbsfleet and then return to the path.

Okay, fine.

Why don't we just...

Suppose I'm hungry.

Oh, fair enough.

Can you slow down, please?

I don't know where the high street is.

You do, apparently.

You do know.

You've been here before.

What the hell are you talking about?

Come on.

He is talking absolute rubbish.

Rubbish, I tell you, dear listeners.

Hold on.

Youths.

Youths.

Lovely.

Nothing like being mocked by an intimidating teenage boy.

Really gives you a boost of confidence.

Ah, shit.

Oh, for God's sake.

Great.

Great.

Thank you.

Flat tief.

Hilarious, mate.

Hilarious.

Oh, nice ballaclava, by the way.

You know it's a heat wave right now.

Are you really that ugly?

You need to cover it up.

Will you please?

Just ignore.

Did your mummy knit it for you, did she?

I'll get her to make me one when I see her.

Shut your mouth.

I'm picking her up at eight, yeah.

So if you want to be all tucked up in bed by then.

Yeah?

Man, wanna act up.

Man, wanna act up?

Yeah, keep moving like that, yeah?

Tell him what's that?

Ah, not acting up, mate.

It's just it's nearly your bedtime, isn't it?

Have a little

Oh, I'm in trouble.

Please move away.

Thank you.

Make fucking smoke that little pussy ass bitch.

Needs his face broken.

Asking him for change.

Karma's gonna catch you.

And what about you?

Are you a fucking choir boy or something?

There's no karma chasing you, is there?

Watson, please, I am attempting to de-escalate.

Oh, no, sorry, sorry, mate.

The right Reverend Bellend here was just delivering justice.

Your man's moving bear mad here.

He's gonna get dipped.

My man will not get dipped, and neither is he moving bare-mad.

He is frustrated at your taunts.

That is all.

Uh, and the flat tire.

Bro is moving mad with his mouth.

Yeah, man's gonna hold that.

Yo, you regret chatting, reckless fam.

Yeah, you regret it.

Regret.

I'm Army, mate.

Yeah, and I'm a doctor.

I'll kick your ass, and then I'll stitch you back up if I'm feeling bad about it, which I definitely won't be.

What's my man talking about?

Move away, gentlemen.

You don't touch me, bro.

Please, I am asking that you just.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, who the knife down.

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I could have knocked them out, all three of them.

Yes, I'm sure.

They didn't have to slash the other tire with that knife, did they?

You know, I would have hit the big one first, and then when the other two would have come for me, do you know what I would have done?

No, I do not know, because it is a total fantasy and a fiction which is materializing entirely within your own mind.

Uh, look, I held my own there.

Hmm.

Not really.

What do you mean, not really?

If it wasn't for my de-escalation...

They wouldn't have been able to get us both, mate.

Alright?

Except they were armed and we are not.

I'm armed with a quick whip, mate.

There's no greater weapon.

I assure you, there is.

Oh, God, there is something about pushing a bike, isn't there?

It's just...

Nothing feels more defeating.

Nothing.

Except when you have to give up on the chopsticks and go for a fork.

It's total defeat.

You will be on a new bike momentarily.

Who does that?

To someone riding a bike?

I mean, what in the name of Jeet?

Oh, sorry, just realised we are next to a church.

Oh, you're too slow.

I will cycle to the high street.

There may be other cycle hires and we can make the swap.

We're not in London anymore, Dorothy.

Dorothy?

It doesn't matter.

If you can find one, that'd be great.

Yeah, thanks.

One moment.

Yeah, bye.

Wonderful.

just walking in a graveyard and

podcasting, obviously.

I don't quite know if this is disrespectful or respectful

or just just neither of those, just a neutral sort of

neither disrespectful nor respectful sort of thing.

So yeah, this is a graveyard in Gravesend.

Gravesend in Kent.

Still on the Thames.

Don't know if you can hear the old river sloshing away in the background.

Maybe.

Not sure if Mike is picking that up.

And

yeah, just...

I've always liked graveyards, cemeteries.

Can make for some sad reading at times, but you do get some cracking names.

Like this fella.

Bartholomew T.

Birch, 1799 to 1888.

Look, it's not a bad innings, that.

I think if you're getting past 75 in those days,

you've nailed it.

Amos Broome, 1724 to 1760.

Ah.

Amos, mate, same age as me.

Lived with honor.

The moral sense that guides.

I can't read the rest of it

because,

it's 260 years old, so it's kind of crumbly.

Although, I tell you what, one next to him is 1677 and in much better condition.

I think Amos might have been a wee bit tight with this gravestone.

Tell you what, there's a big old, like a statue over here, bear with.

It's uh a woman statue.

A woman statue, have you heard yourself, John?

This 1595 to to 1617

Pocahontas.

Am I...

Am I going mad?

Werawokomoko, Gloucester County, Virginia, born to Pohatan people as Amanut,

also known as Rebecca Rolfe.

In March 1617, Pocahontas boarded a ship to return to Virginia.

She became ill within moments and at Gravesend was taken ashore where she died of unknown causes.

Whoa.

Just around the riverbend as she famously said.

Here she is.

Unbelievable.

Well,

great to meet you, Pocahontas.

Sorry you are

all the way over here in Kent and not on your native shores.

Shout out to Pocahontas.

She didn't email, but yeah, I think she deserves one.

Did not have an easy life from the looks of it.

From a brief glance at the old Wikipedia, passed around from her father's ownership to then Thomas Rolfe.

Guess that depiction of freedom is just

something Disney gave us.

Watson!

Yep, on my way.

But

good to meet you, Percahantus.

Thank you for coming on the show.

You won't believe who I just saw.

I'll give you a clue.

She likes to paint with all the colours of the wind.

I see your Pocahontas, and I raise you.

Oh, you do?

Who's this then?

Who's on your gravestone?

Shall we do it like um like guess who?

Yeah, do they wear glasses?

It

Margaret Brackenstall

buried just a few months ago in May.

Wow.

Told you.

Told me what?

That you'd been here before.

Abbey Grange is just on the next street.

No way.

Well, it was.

Closed down shortly after

it all happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice to see you again, Margaret.

Hope your final days weren't too.

weren't too tough.

She died, Watson.

She died, mate.

Our fifth case together.

Yeah.

And I never released it.

You didn't?

No.

I never released those episodes.

You never released the case of Abby Grange?

Adventure?

And no, I didn't.

Do you listen to the bloody show?

I did not release it, mate.

Well,

she's no longer with us.

perhaps it may be time

her story is ready to be told

so um

yeah hi

hello uh ding-dong this is your captain speaking

um

i hope you're enjoying the episode this

I've never done this before.

I hope it doesn't impede your experience of this adventure, but

yes, I felt that it was important you hear all that before I do this to you.

Everything you hear after this point is from 2023.

Yeah, right after we sorted the golden pants, Nay, we were right back out to Kent with Stanley Hopkins to

Abbey Grange elderly residence home in Gravesend.

This adventure is

sad

and

bleak

and

contains all the difficult themes that come towards the end of our lives.

The full warnings can be found in the episode description.

Now,

get ready

and come with me

back in time.

I know your mom just stayed over, but guess what?

Oh no, what did she do?

Please don't let it be weird.

No, nothing.

I

was just saying,

now my mother is visiting.

Oh,

okay.

Great.

She's gonna have my room, and I'm gonna have the couch, so the office is kinda.

It's fine, don't worry.

And the second thing: um, speaking of the office, Stanley Hopkins is on the phone.

Ah, uh, is it about the case?

He says it's something else, and he needs you right now.

Okay,

um,

uh, okay,

come on, no, no, this way, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, not this one, not this,

shh,

I can hear that one, yes, Calling units in the vicinity of Abbey Grange care home.

This is PCSO Hopkins.

Hello.

Hello in there.

My name is Sherlock.

I'm a private investigator.

Hello?

Help me.

We are trying to help.

Can you open the door?

I have a doctor with me.

Hello?

Hi.

I can't.

You can't open the door?

I can't open it.

Okay, it's...

What is is your name, my lovely?

Margaret.

Hi, Margaret.

My name's John.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Hello.

C can you do me a favour and just make your way to the door and unlock it for us, please, Margaret?

I'm tied up.

I think I'm...

Someone has tied you up, Margaret.

Is is that correct, my love?

Yes.

Jesus Christ.

My friend, she she's not moving.

There's so much blood on her.

Margaret, I'm just gonna ask you to stay calm.

We are gonna sort this, I I promise.

What did you, um, what did you get up to this week, Margaret?

I, um, I went to see the ponies.

We went on the bus.

Oh, that sounds fab!

And uh, and we,

um, there was a theatre night, the local theatre.

Theatre?

Oh, and I missed it.

You invite me next time, all right?

Ah, yes, and

I had seat 32.

That's my lucky number.

I said to Evelyn, it's going to be a good play and it was wonderful.

That's great, that's so great.

32, eh?

What are you doing?

It's a care home for the elderly.

So that means very little electronics.

They don't get on with them, Watson.

Yeah.

You want to see my nan with her iPad, mate.

Sherlock, I've got units on the way.

She is restrained.

And we have, from the sound of it, a second victim with a severe trauma.

Ah, I'm not qualified to enter this scenario.

Yes, you are.

Anyone is.

You take photos, Stanley.

Understand me?

You take as many photos as you can.

Preserve the scene.

Will do.

Yes.

Roger that.

So,

low-tech.

To keep the residents happy.

And we have conventional locks.

And I

am more than proficient.

In cracking them

open.

Oh, nice one.

Okay, Margaret.

We're just coming in.

Okay, everything is going to be alright, okay?

Everything is...

Help!

My friend, please.

She's...

Okay, okay, okay.

Jesus, that's a lot.

We have got a problem here.

Eusti Light.

There's so much blood.

I can't find a pot.

What the fuck?

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Call an ambulance, please.

Move out of this room immediately.

Let me deal with Eustace.

Please just call an ambulance.

Margaret, let me take a look at that restraint for you.

I can untie that that

knot.

Goodness.

Right, I need both of you to wait in reception.

Are you an officer?

I'm a PCSO.

Then I need you.

Just call a fucking ambulance.

Eustace, my darling, are you alright?

Is that her name?

Eustace.

Yeah?

Eustace, if you can hear me, my love,

you've got quite...

Severe facial trauma.

A lot of blood.

I'm just

going to put you in the recovery position and keep your head elevated.

We don't want you choking on that blood, do we now?

Oh dear, lots lots on the carpet.

Not to worry, it'll be alright.

It'll be alright.

Check Eustace's pupils for me quickly.

Will do.

They don't seem all that responsive and they're uneven.

Shit.

Shit.

Bollocks, that could be.

Brain injury.

Yeah.

What um.

What do we do?

I keep her in position, we get her to a hospital, then

we

find the monster that did this.

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