The Second Stain - Part One

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Sherlock, this is...

Are you serious? An early Christmas present? You didn't have to do this, you big detectiving d

sorry, what? What? What is this? You're welcome. You are now a Sherlock and Co.
member. Go to patreon.com forward slash Sherlock and Co.

Sherlock.

Did you get me a Patreon membership for Christmas? Yes. You said it was the perfect Christmas gift.
Yeah, but not for me. I

run the members' club.

Yeah, no, this is great. Love it, mate.

I love it. Merry Christmas.
Yeah, you too. Give the gift of Sherlock and Co.
membership today.

Who are you talking to? Oh, right, the listeners. Yeah, good.
Good work.

Hey, it's me.

And it's you. And we're back here in my bedroom.
If these walls could talk, eh, gang?

They would say, stop editing that podcast day in, day out, and get a life. Well, walls, I'm not going to do that.
So,

yeah.

This adventure is a political thriller.

It contains politics. Everyone's making a living flogging that these days, so why not us?

Yeah, usual swearing stuff, everything else in the description. If you haven't visited SherlockWare.com, please do.
You will love it.

And if you haven't visited patreon.com forward slash Sherlock and Co., what on earth are you waiting for? More money, John. More money.
That's what, mate. I hear you.

Anyway, this is the adventure of the second stain. Go enjoy yourselves.

That is

driving me absolutely insane. Graham!

I know you can hear me!

Archie, go and tell Graham to stop running in that bloody wheel.

Go.

Sorry, how did you lot get the title of man's best friend? Exactly. You don't do anything I ask, and I do everything you ask.

This is a toxic relationship. Graham!

Graham, stop it, or I will take that wheel with you in it and lob you down Baker Street. Take a right at the end and bugger off up the A40 for all I care.
Do I make myself clear?

Archie, stop barking. What is going on in this flat?

Oh, bugs. I see.

There's a cat that's climbed up to the window.

I should probably call RSPC.

Actually.

Hello.

Hey, you must be hungry after that climb up here, mate. Tell you what, if he runs another half marathon in that wheel whilst I'm trying to work, you've got yourself some lunch, haven't you? Huh?

Yeah.

Hope I've made myself clear, Graham.

Oh, hey, I've got that Patreon content schedule that you suggested. Who are you talking to? A cat at the window.
I think it's the Merrillows. It climbs up the back wall and.

You said, I hope I've made myself clear to a cat. No, no, that was to Graham.
The mouse. Yeah.

You need a break.

My name is Dr. John Watson, once of the British Army Northumberland Fusilier Regiment, now a true crime podcaster based in central London.

I don't have much experience in criminology, so this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know.

Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes.

This royal throne of kings,

this sceptred isle, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, William Shakespeare.

Well, bravo, Bill, your words have been immortalized on a beer mat in the volunteer.

How lovely. Hey, Archie boy, why have the sacred boards of the globe when you can have a soggy bit of cardboard?

Anyway, I've got my poppy, got my pint, got my bulldog, reading a bit of Shakespeare. Kind of England I am become thee.
Cheers.

Cool, that is a pint. My dearest of dear listeners, that is a pint of the good stuff, let me tell you.

Why didn't I start a podcast about pubs? Why didn't I do that? Instead, I'm, let's be honest, being traumatized on a bi-monthly basis, chasing murderers and thieves, when I could be just,

you know, just...

Hmm.

This week I'm in the volunteer. I'm knocking back a few drinks and flirting with the idea of some pork scratchings.

After that, I'll gaze nostalgically into their cheap, twinkly Christmas decorations for a couple of minutes, then go home and nap on the couch. Done.
Thanks for listening to Watson's podcast.

Boom, millions of listeners. Yeah, I put out like three episodes a week, because,

well, let's be honest, it's just me chatting and drinking.

Yeah, it's... Oh, hold on.
I've been found out. The Spanish Armada has arrived.
Best to sail out and meet it head-on, I find. Mariana!

Hey, what's up? You okay?

We have a client. Cool.

Don't you want to know who it is? Um, yeah, sure. Who is it? I can't tell you.
What? I can't tell you who it is. Isn't that exciting? Well,

not really, because you just asked me if I want to know who it is, and I do want to know. Yeah, me too.
Right, so you don't know who it is either. Mm-hmm.
That's right.

So, wait, sorry, how do you even know we have a client? Because Meninsuits came into the office, they asked where Sherlock was. I said he was upstairs.
They said, you can't do an episode on this.

Some people then got out of a car.

Wait, what? Some people got out of a car that was outside. They went upstairs to 221B, and that was it.
That was it? Yeah.

Okay,

are you sure they aren't there to kill Sherlock or something? If they are, it's a very formal way of doing it.

Where are they now? In the flat, in 221B. But I-I-I live there.
Yes. And I can't go in there? No.
Well, this is an infringement on my liberties, I think. Your liberties.
Yes, I am an Englishman.

I have liberties. Forget what I said, okay? Jeez, look, you're exercising your English liberty right now.
You're in the pub, with Archie, in the middle of the day, talking to the listeners.

This is like your happy place? Yeah, but now I've been told that I can't go in my flat. I want to go in my flat.
Yeah. Annoying, right? Did you see who it was that got out of the car? Mm-mm.
No.

Okay, uh, did you see what type of car? Black one? Oh, right, yeah, yeah. The all-new Toyota black one.
Ow, you pinched me. Deserved.
Nothing more specific than that, just a black car.

It's a bruise now. Great.
I was surrounded by security guys. I wasn't looking up the type of vehicle, John.
Okay, I am gonna go and check this out. Don? John, wait.

Home, sweet home. Can I help you? No.

Can I help you? No.

Ah, wait, no. Uh, ask me again.
Sir. Okay, I'll pretend you ask.
You can help me by letting me into my house. You own this townhouse? Yes.
This townhouse in central London. Well, no, I don't.

Well, then. But I rent it.
The house? The flat on the second floor. Yeah, well, you can't come in currently.

You fucking get you to fill out this form. Of course, there's a form.
Of course. Of course.
Well, if we're going to play that game, you know you can't park there. Yes, we can.
No, you can't.

Double yellow. No loading, no stopping.
Could you move away, please, sir? It's my flat. I'll be long.
Sure, whatever. Can I get through? Sir, I'm just going to ask you to step back, please.

And I'm going to ask you to let me into my own flat.

Yeah, silent treatment, is it? Ah, nice try, mate. You wanna try and wake me out, do you?

Oh, I can stand here all day, my friend.

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

John, what?

What are you doing? I'm doing the macarena. What does it look like I'm doing? It looks like you are climbing up the back wall of our building.
Ah, excellent.

Observation. You can't climb up a drain pipe, John.
Why not? Uh, because you're not a rat. Yeah, you're right.
I'm not. I'm a man.
I-

I am rat man.

Rat man.

Ratman.

Ow.

Ah.

At least now I got that saw.

Okay, right. I actually, um.

I know where I went wrong there. I just need to change the placement of my hands.
Hey, Rat Boy. Ratman.
You just need to wait, okay, and Sherlock will tell us exactly what is going on.

Sherlock, tell us. Have you met Sherlock? I'll get more information out of this brick wall.
I really regret telling you about this client. Ugh.
It's alright, Archie.

Your owner is just a weird, weird guy. Marino's cat can get up there.
I can get up there. I can see into your kitchen.
Hey, is that my neutral bullet? You've never used it in your life.

Yeah, because it's in your kitchen instead of mine, apparently. That's why.
Now, just.

Can you stand under this windowsill? Why would I do that?

Because if I fall, I'll land on you and Archie rather than the concrete. Oh, great.
So we all die. Die? So, excuse me, how much do you think I weigh? Uh, quite a bit.

Well, it'd be quite a bit less if I had access to my bloody neutra bullet, Mariana. Well, we'd end up in hospital.
Oh, Archie wouldn't. Yeah, but think of the vet bill.
Ah, yeah, good point.

All right, fine, stand back. You're not actually doing it.
Oh,

I'm actually doing it, mate.

If I haven't made the move already, I don't think this is a good idea. Relax, I've done it before.

When? Yeah, and I lost my keys once.

I just gotta

get up to

the second floor.

There we go.

And then,

I can pull myself

up on our kitchen window.

And now, I'll be able to see inside and spy on exactly who our mysterious.

Oh my god. What?

Yeah.

No way. Who who is it?

Who is it?

You're lying. Ha, I'm not.
Archie, this way, mate. Okay, okay, okay.
So, you looked through the window. Yeah, looked through the window.
And you saw...

A group of, yeah, security guys. Only maybe three or four.
Right. And then, sat down with Sherlock, was

the Prime Minister. Are you out of your mind? Did you hit your head when you fell, Rutman? No, I'm not out of my mind.
It makes sense, doesn't it?

I mean, who else has that kind of security and secrecy? I mean, I guess a few people, right? They wanted me to fill out a form.

But is there anything more British government than that? Plus, every single one of them wearing poppies. So? I mean, so are you.
Yeah, but every single one of them.

They can't be seen without a poppy this time of year in the current climate. They'll be shot.

Ironic. I risk my case, though.
Well, I think you're maybe reaching a little too hard with those theories. Mariana.
What?

It was him. It was the PM.
The occupant of number 10 Downing Street. It was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
Really? Really?

So exciting.

Amazing. Excited.
Have you seen one of his speeches? Oh my god, it's the Prime Minister. This is like a thriller movie.

You're just excited because we've got a client that likes spreadsheets as much as you do. You don't know that he likes spreadsheets.
Please, look at him. Listen to him.

You're telling me he doesn't like spreadsheets. Yeah, okay, he loves them.
Thank you. We are English, Mariana.
We're not Spanish.

If you give us the chance to vote for a boring man in glasses, we will vote for a boring man in glasses. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You don't think this is about our taxes or anything, do you?

Do you think I've done it wrong? I

no, this can't be it.

They said I owe them £1.46. Wait, what? Why? Apparently, from self-assessment tax, I underpaid it.
Then pay it! No. Why not? Because I refuse to.
It's £1.46. You're gonna get us into serious trouble.

Over £1.46. Oh, I should have asked him why it's taking so long to be given a unique taxpayer reference number.

Well, he might still be there if you want to climb back up the drain pipe with your HMRC letters. Archie, come here, bud.
Okay, how do we convince Sherlock to tell us?

Oh, I have a devious plan, my friend. A devious, devious plan.
Okay, well, right now, your dog is doing something pretty devious on the pathway. Ah, Archie.

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Perfect seat for you. Look.
Oh, wow. Oh, goodness.
You can see nearly all of London. Not even remotely, but I do love a seat with a view.
I know.

That's that's why we called ahead and told the restaurant exactly what you want. They even have, if you look at the menu here, ta-da!

And a pasta. Hey, there you go.
In a light mascapone sauce. Light, so not heavy, not too overwhelming.
Splendid. Now we live to please, mate.
This night, it's all about you. Far too kind.

Is there some occasion that has slipped my mind? Something with a horrid portmanteau title like Workiversary or Jobbily. Sorry, Jobily.
Jubilee and Job. It's not bad, actually.

Remind me of that when we've worked together for 25 years. We don't need an occasion.
This

is about appreciating you.

And how's this for appreciation? Hey, guys, come on over. Excuse me, are you Sherlock Holmes? Yes.

Your deduction skills are quite simply amazing. We're all so glad you follow your gut.

From India to Dartmoor and all over.

The game is regularly afoot.

From Mariana, John Graham, and Archie too.

We love you down to our bones. We love you ever so.
And we will always be there to support you.

The wonderful detective. You're such a great detective.
The one and only Sherlock Holmes Holmes.

Wow, that was so good.

Great work, lads. Thank you so much, eh?

What do you think, Matey? Not bad. Bravo.
Tremendous.

Did I ever tell you that you are my favorite detective? John, behave yourself. Yeah, fictional ones, real ones.
Put them together, you're still still my favorite. Mm-hmm.
Mine too. How lovely.

And I just love working with you. Sharing our life together, sharing our careers, sharing our dreams.
A tad sentimental, but I'll forgive it. You are Mediterranean, after all.

No, it's because we share everything together. Don't we? Not really.
No, we do. Don't think so.
Yes, we do. Mariana.
We do! I'm not telling you a bloody thing so you can both bugger off.

I'll have the penne, and I'd like to see their ale selection. Damn it, Mariana.
What? You came on too strong. You scared him off.
I didn't scare him off. He sat right there.

That barbershop quartet cost me 700 quid. You paid 700 pounds for that stupid song, and you won't pay 146 in tax? Well, technically, the company did.
Technically, I'm going to stab you with this fork.

Sherlock, look, nope. I, well, I mean, you're probably wondering how we even know.
I saw you pop your stupid head up through the kitchen window. I heard your silly na-na-na-na-na-na-na ratman song.

Damn it, Mariana. That's you, not me.
Why won't you tell us? Because I have a duty to my nation. Listen, Mr.
Churchill. You have a duty to us as well.
Yeah, exactly. Here, here.
Hmm. Do I? Yes.

Look, okay, right. Blink.
Four times if it's relating to a scandal. What? He blinked? That's two, blinked, two and a half.
Of course I blinked. You're spitting and blowing air in my eye.

Because I'm excited. I'm pumped.
Oh, sorry, that's um.

Third blink there. Yes, could I get a serviette, please? Here, now give us the goss.
What's the goss, boss? It'd be a loss to not get the goss.

You honestly believe that this pun-riddled, cloying, personable tactic will yield results, do you? I wasn't- that was just me then, mate. Oh.

Well, constructive feedback is always helpful, I find. So take that on board.
Is it a hit? A murder. Oh, and I bet it was like a member of British high society that did it?

Oh, yeah, like some elite duke or oh, ooh, was it royal? Maybe getting business taken care of or an entanglement between the crown and parliament?

The ancient power struggle of our nation coming to blows even now. This is so oh, this is like a like a blockbuster adventure.

Has someone been framed? An innocent person used by the establishment? Yeah, yeah, people that control every aspect of the global order, bringing this country. For goodness sake, fine, I'll tell you.

It is. Hello, podcast fans.
It's John Watson here. Um, You're probably wondering why I've stopped your favourite show.

Well, it's because the following scene contains highly confidential information, and in order to prevent that juicy stuff oozing into your ears, I have cut it out.

I say, cut it out. I replaced it with music, which I was then told I couldn't use due to copyright issues.
So now I've just replaced the important stuff with a rendition of Rule Britannia.

Yep.

It was a meeting between myself, the Prime Minister, and the Minister of European Affairs. Hope.
Um, thingy Hope. Tabitha Hope.
Yep, you know it.

An important note on official letter-headed paper has gone missing from a dispatch box. There is footage of the note being handed over from the

official to Tabitha Hope. It is distinct enough looking that should it resurface in the wrong hands, its validity is easy enough to ensure.
How distinct?

Size, colour of envelope, the seal is from the office of

Wow, okay. This is harder to refute than a leaked email.
How important is it? Immensely so. What does it say, the note? Its contents are as follows.
Dear

There was an attack on.

Yeah, but knowledge of that would trigger.

If the Europeans saw that, then they'd. Yes, exactly.
In fact, if they knew that the

and then subsequently the

then that would be a declaration of

oh my god bread selection for you to start? Ah, yeah, thank you. Bread basket, just um put that there.
French bread, anyone? Speaking of the French, they

no footage, no evidence of the event, just this note. In confidence to the UK, who will handle this situation discreetly with the parties involved.
No institutions, no declarations, no escalations.

It's the only way to prevent

war.

Wow.

That's crazy. This note is gone, just completely gone.
Gone.

That's bad.

Yes.

Thank you for sharing with us. Hmm.

Get any more juicy gossip? What's the economy looking like? Well.

Yeah, but maybe in the afternoon, I'll probably go into the Cenotaph area tomorrow morning. How come? Remembrance Sunday, lest we forget.
Ah, of course, of course. Is it just me?

I always feel dirty after the Bakalula. Yeah, me too.

Look at that. No, I feel like I've been down a chimney.

Ah, something has happened in down.

Yeah, that is not looking good for somebody.

We have a visitor. What? Look outside our front door.
Oh.

Who is that guy? Something tells me he's not singing carols. Let's go ask him.
His name is Hilden. You know him? Yes, and he knows you and you.

And me.

How? Exactly? Hilden Hope, news media executive. Oh, that's the guy that the opposition always whinge about.
Tabitha Hope's husband. The husband of the minister you saw.
Minister of European Affairs.

Yes, our earlier visitor alongside the PM. Why is he here? Because his wife was responsible for keeping the correspondence safe.
She's on camera receiving it. And she lost it.
Damage control. Exactly.

Hello there, Hilden. Ah,

I thought you'd all be tucked up in bed. Yet you still came calling at our door.
Ha, yes. Well,

important business. Isn't it just? Do you want to come inside, Hilden? Very much so.
Dr. Watson, I'm not the biggest goal hanger fan, but I have to say, I've been listening to

me. Oh, mate, apologies.
Uh, let me see if I've got plasters or something upstairs.

She doesn't know you're here, does she? Hmm? Your wife, the Minister for European Affairs? Um, no.

Tabitha.

She doesn't know I'm here. She gets enough grief on my behalf.
She couldn't possibly get bad press, could she, Mr. Hope? You own the loudest of the news media contributors.
Ha, yes. Well,

I think we'd all agree that there is now a

smorgasbord of outlets for one's news and current affairs these days. Why are you here, Hilden? Of course, yes, um, to the point.
My best ideas come to me late at night.

And I'm thinking about showing the world what you guys are capable of. Hmm? Expose.

There's so much good your team here does. National heroes, really, when you dive into it.
Well, that's very kind.

But you are aware that we're just going to go about our business as usual with this case. That's why the British government came to us.
We're not going to trade favors. No, yes, that's

admirable. Look, I'm concerned, Dr.
Watson, about that thing. This? Mm-hmm.
My microphone. Exactly.
Our podcast presents the truth, Mr. Hope.
Yes, but.

And the truth is, the minister, your wife, was responsible for the note containing sensitive material. And she lost it.
It was stolen. Lost or stolen? It doesn't mean she's any less responsible.

I can.

Listen, listen, listen, listen. I can make.

We could do something really interesting with your operation here, don't you think?

Coverage.

Favorable coverage. Look, Hilden...
Articles. Pieces on what you guys do.
The success stories, you know. Let's jump into the events of El C.
Let's...

I mean, how many people really know Silver Blaze was you guys, right?

Not enough, in my opinion. Think about articles.
Then television, a book run.

Why aren't your cases actually just best-selling books in their own right? Did you ever think of that? I mean, I do think of that, yeah.

John, I'm just not entertaining it, I'm just answering the question. Do you not feel, Mr.

Hope, that with the scale of the issue at hand, the political reputation of Tabitha Hope is rather insignificant? No, obviously, absolutely. I know that.
I know that. And that's my point.

It is insignificant. She.

It doesn't actually matter who was in possession of the note when it was misplaced. It could have happened to anyone in the cabinet.

So I think omitting it would be a sensible, necessary editorial decision on your part.

Mr. Hope.
You have a responsibility!

She's...

There's death threats.

They're threatening to do everything to her, to us. You think you can just go and just

pin this international crisis on her? She's already broken the confidentiality of the crisis by telling you. I'm her husband.
I know when something is wrong.

She told me after I insisted that I had to know. If this was a sophisticated move by an agent of a hostile state, Mr.
Hope, it could have been any minister, as you say. Exactly.
Exactly.

And if that is the case, our documentation of it will impart that very factuality. I assure you.

I will speak to her team, the cabinet, her advisors, advisors, Akinthorpe, Haley Chowdhury, Edward Lucas. Things will come to light, and we will solve this case.

There's not going to be a case. Excuse me? Don't ask how I know it.
I just.

I know it. I know things.

There won't be one. Everything is in hand.
The government will come to you in due course and assure you that the issue is no longer pressing. Your outlook is a little fanciful, Mr.
Hope.

Yes, well, mark my words. And

it is going to benefit everyone in this room if you sign this. No, no, no, no, no.
Are you... Are you serious? Can we have a proper discussion, please, miss? Hmm? Would that be possible? Sorry?

Just let's calm down, okay? It's late. We don't even know what we're involved with yet.
Hilden put the NDA away. We're not signing that.
We don't do that. We're just having a conversation.
Exactly.

I don't don't sign things after conversations I have. I want to make this part clear.
The offer of favorable coverage, it goes both ways. Do we.

do we all understand that? Things could be favorable, things could be

unfavorable.

Rather threatening, Mr. Hope? You don't know the meaning of the word, Mr.
Holmes. You should see the things they say to us.
To me and my wife, a public servant. Hmm? On Twitter? In the streets?

Through our letterbox?

You think this happens to the men in the cabinet? Hmm? Those men in the cabinet, Mr. Hope.
Do you think their wives are out blackmailing and threatening people to go easy on their husbands?

Men don't get the same treatment. That's what I'm saying.
Yes, they do. No, I'm afraid they do not.
You're doing her a disservice. She's a big girl.
She can handle the heat. And if she can't...

You don't know what you're talking about, okay? I don't see a ring on any finger in front of me. I can observe human nature too, right?

You cannot blame a husband for trying to protect his wife, and if you do, then I'm telling you, you don't understand.

You do not get it.

I'm protecting her.

That's all I'm doing here.

I know that the press will see it that way, anyway. They often see things the way they intend them to be seen, don't they, Mr.
Holmes? Yes, they bloody well do.

Something to bear in mind, Mr. Holmes.

Stop! I am leaving, Mr. Holmes.
Okay, Sherlock? Shh.

We have other visitors.

Yes.

Somebody's on the roof. Sherlock, there's a sound from the front door.

I need to get out. Hilden.
A window. I need a back window.
Just calm down. Oh my god.

What now? The office cameras. There are men in in the office.

What's going on? Can you get away from that window, please, Sherlock? Every night this week, Merilo's cat has been right here on the windowsill.

But not at this moment. Sherlock.
He has been moved away. Sherlock.
It would seem, my friends, that the game

may well be afoot. Sherlock, look out!

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