Closing Reflections on The Seagull Thesis

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dollar the bulbous ulcer with the fuzzy buzzsaw, you crumbly altens.

Welcome to the Blind By Podcast.

If this is your first episode, consider going back to an earlier episode to familiarize yourself with the lore of this podcast.

If you're a brand new listener, you can even go back to the start.

Even though this podcast is almost nine years old, I find that new listeners actually begin at episode one.

I get messages each week.

I get messages from people who feel

that they've caught up, that they've finally caught up, that they've binged this entire podcast, nine years of it over the course of a year, and now they've finally caught up.

The first episode of this podcast was.

it was October 2017.

So, actually, that means this podcast, it's not almost nine years old.

Oh, there's a seagull.

Can you hear that seagull, or is that just me?

This podcast is going to be eight years old in October.

Why did I say it was going to be nine years old?

Because that's how bad I am at Mats.

That's how terrible I am at Mats.

I thought that 2017 was nine years ago.

It's not.

Apologies for the seagulls.

Inadvertently, this week's episode is actually a little bit of a continuation on from last week's episode.

So I'm recording this right now on Sunday.

Now the reason I'm recording this on a Sunday is

my office where I record this podcast is so loud recently that it's very difficult to record so I decided I'm gonna come in on a Sunday.

Nobody's in on a Sunday.

I record this podcast in a gigantic shared office space.

hundreds and hundreds of workers and the vast majority of those people they work for companies They've got regular office hours.

They're not here on Sundays.

On Sundays, this building is, it's empty.

So I came in early this morning to record this podcast because I knew the building would be empty and the only noise that we'd have, it'd be seagulls.

But we can put up with seagulls.

Seagulls aren't that distracting.

But

the sound of other human beings, that's distracting.

You can't record a podcast if you can hear another person's voice or doors slamming and shit like that.

But in last week's podcast, which I went into in great detail, I'll just give you a synopsis now.

In last week's podcast, I explained that the reason that the seagulls are so noisy on the roof of my office is that they're starving because they can't access food in wheelie bins because the wheelie bins are being locked away as a result of a bottle return scheme.

I'm not going to go into that, all right?

Starving seagulls are screeching on my roof.

Also, Donald Trump is about to introduce 50% tariffs on the EU, EU goods.

This will affect Ireland mostly because so many of our pharmaceutical exports are to the United States.

So these tariffs greatly jeopardise the pharmaceutical industry in Ireland.

And these tariffs are due to come in on the 9th of July this week.

Some shit is gonna hit the fucking fan.

I happen to share an office floor with a lot of pharmaceutical companies or pharmaceutical adjacent companies.

So the level of stress and activity on my floor is quite high.

Not only are there a lot of people coming and going, but most of those people are visibly in survival mode.

They're slamming doors, they're arguing, they're moving around differently.

It's very difficult right now for me to find the quiet, the quiet space to literally record my podcast in my office.

Seagulls and pharmaceutical workers are screeching in pain in my office.

This is the world that I live in.

Apologies for repeating these details if you listen to last week's podcast, but I do need to provide a prologue to contextualize this episode.

Because seagulls don't take Sundays off.

The pagan cunts.

But pharmaceutical workers do because they respect the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

I don't I'm with the seagulls on this one I work on a Sunday and I've been sitting back I've been observing this I've been observing that the change in behavior of all these people who I assume are afraid of losing their jobs or are under intense stress And like I said too, I've been resisting the urge to engage in conversation with any of these people and explain my seagull thesis.

And just briefly this is the seagull thesis.

There are seagulls nesting on the roof of my building right now who are behaving loudly, behaving erratically because their food source has been threatened.

Their behavior is mirrored by the pharmaceutical workers in this building who are behaving erratically because their food source is threatened.

All of these things together mean it's really difficult for me to record a podcast and that's why I'm here on a fucking Sunday where it's it's nice and quiet.

So why am I speaking about this again?

Well I came in this morning expecting the place to be empty.

It wasn't and I actually ended up in conflict with one of the pharmaceutical workers.

So this week's episode is a bit of a part two to last week's episode.

I didn't intend this at all.

So I get into my office this morning.

Sunday, really quiet.

rubbing my hands together going

gonna record a podcast today now no interruptions other than the seagulls.

We can put up with seagulls.

I open the door, the corridor reveals itself to me.

I can hear the I can hear the office building's heartbeat.

I experience the intimacy, the intimacy of this building when it's just me and office.

Bare office.

I love the solitude of a Sunday.

No distractions, I just get work done.

I notice the industrial crunch of the fire-retardant carpet underneath my shoes.

Big long corridor, totally fucking dark, totally dark cause there's no one else around.

And as I walk down the corridor, the lights come on.

The lights turn on because they're motion fucking sensors.

It feels like being born.

And as I approach the The vaginal cavity that is my office door, I look up to the top of the corridor and I notice, oh there's there's a light on.

There's a light on.

The office isn't entirely empty at all.

Another person who doesn't respect that this is the day of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Someone else has decided to turn up and work on a Sunday.

And I did feel, I felt a small bit disappointed because I love coming here on Sundays, but I'm the only person.

I really love it.

But fuck it, we'll get some work done.

I reckon I can still record.

One person's not going to create that much noise.

So it's about two hours ago and I'm doing my research and then I'm like, oh I need to go for a piss.

So I leave my office, walk out into the corridor.

Silence.

Lights turning on as I walk, noticing that rhythmic crunch of the fire retardant carpet.

The toilets are in front of me.

I can see them.

I'm walking towards them.

And just after I walk past the occupied office, suddenly the door opens and I hear a voice.

Excuse me, not in a nice tone.

And a man comes out, flustered, and he says to me, Excuse me, excuse me.

Have you been using the toilets down there?

Now it's a Sunday.

I've just gotten in.

This is my first wee wee of the day.

But the speed with which he'd open the office door and come out, it felt like I was being ambushed.

Like this fellow was lying in wait for for me to come down this corridor.

But before I could even say to him, no, I haven't been using the toilet today.

This guy's really pissed off now.

There's piss and shit in that toilet and I've had to clean it up, he says.

Now I'm thinking, what does this have to do with me?

My initial thought is, oh, he wants some backup.

He wants some backup.

He wants me to join in with him on a complaint about the state of the toilets.

Because these are shared communal toilets for everybody who uses the office and they're not maintained by the workers here, they're maintained by the building.

It's actually a breach of contract to go and clean those toilets yourself is a breach of contract because of health and safety rules and liability.

So I'm thinking, oh my god, this fella's had to clean the jacks himself.

He's had to breach contract.

It must have been awful.

He must want to make a complaint to try and get the toilet sorted out by the building and he wants me to join in on this complaint.

Okay, let's hear him out.

Now I'm quite taken aback because

his face was bright red and he was shaking with anger.

I'm a little bit uneasy.

I say something like, oh, really?

The toilets are dirty, are they?

But before I can finish, he shoves a phone into my face and is now now showing me a photograph of the toilet.

It had speckles of human shit and

dark urine that hadn't been flushed.

So

I'm confronted now with a photograph of an unflushed toilet.

It all feels a bit aggressive.

I didn't ask to see a photograph of a toilet today.

Now this fella isn't a janitor.

He's not a toilet cleaner.

He's not associated with the the building or the upkeep of the building in any way.

He's the the same as me.

Like he's a pharmaceutical worker, but he's the same as me.

A tenant in a shared office building.

And he's very upset and very invested in this soiled toilet.

This shared communal toilet that's for everybody.

And then he repeats really angrily, I had to clean this this morning.

And you're the only other person here.

Do you think this is acceptable?

You're the only other person here.

Do you think this is acceptable?

And then it's like, oh

oh this man is accusing me of pissing and shitting in the toilet and not cleaning it and he's really upset now first off like no it wasn't me i'd just gotten in this was my first trip to the toilet and if i do use the toilet i always flush it i i know how to use toilets so then i go Well, it wasn't me.

It wasn't me.

I don't know what's going on there.

Maybe it was someone someone yesterday.

I don't know.

Then it keeps doubling down.

You're the only other person here.

You're the only other person here.

Do you think this is acceptable?

Now I'm really taking aback, and I'm getting that feeling of, oh, this is an ambush.

This has been rehearsed.

This is planned.

This has been ruminated.

So I feel quite uncomfortable.

And then I get that

distinctive little

it, it's a very

specific and distinct feeling.

And when I feel this, it makes me understand where the word spineless comes from.

Because

I feel this in my spine.

It's the feeling of I'm being mistreated right now and I must stand up for myself.

I literally, I feel it as.

Like different feelings occur in different parts of the body.

Like anxiety tends to happen in the belly close to the heart.

Anger, you'll feel it in fists.

Forehead gets very, very hot during anger, especially unhelpful anger like rage, irrational anger.

You feel that one in the forehead and the teeth and the fists.

The feeling of I'm being wronged right now and I need to stand up for myself.

That's a it feels like it's shooting up my back.

It's a little rigid tingle up my back, which then explodes almost in an effervescence in my head and vision, and a sense of urgency and words pop into my head, like, like, sort this out now.

And then, and then I do feel it, I feel it

in the front of my head a bit

where anger is,

but it, it's a very clear, no, sort this out right now.

The office worker is now still showing me a photograph of a toilet with piss and shit in it.

And now he's saying, Do you think this is acceptable?

Do you think this is acceptable?

And then I say to him,

I didn't do this.

Are you accusing me of doing it?

And then he goes, I'm not accusing you, but just look at this.

Do you think this is acceptable?

I have a toddler.

My two-year-old wouldn't do this.

This is disgusting.

And then I'm like, oh,

this person's trying to shame me.

Someone's an adult man.

There's an adult man who I don't know, a stranger.

And they're trying to shame me.

This is now inappropriate.

This is...

This isn't professional.

There's a much bigger problem than an unflushed toilet now.

Hostile, unsuitable conduct is occurring.

And even though they've just said, no, I'm not accusing you, they're still showing me a photograph of a soiled toilet without my consent and saying, do you think this is acceptable?

Then he said, I have a toddler who wouldn't do this.

I've had to clean that up.

Look at that.

You think this is fucking acceptable?

You think this is fucking acceptable?

He starts cursing.

And when he starts cursing at me, Then I get that feeling really strong.

Like a hand grabbed the back of my fucking spine.

The cursing brought back memories of being bullied as a kid.

When you start cursing at a stranger during an argument, it raises the stakes up a bit.

You've gone up one level now in aggression.

Now firstly I curse frequently but what we're speaking about here is context and intent.

And when I curse the context and intent is friendly.

I like using these these words that are usually aggressive and recontextualizing them as friendly parlance.

But when you use curse words in their intended context and intent as words of violence or aggression, particularly with a stranger, you're now raising the stakes.

The claws are coming out.

You're revealing the pistol in your waistband.

And what it also is, is

it's a boundary.

It's a testing of the other person's boundaries.

Is this person going to let me curse at them?

Will this person let me curse at them if I try?

Oh, they will.

I'm allowed to curse.

I like this.

Oh, I feel a bit of power now.

What do you think of this?

This is fucking disgusting.

That's the thing that's acceptable.

Look at that.

Look at that.

That's disgusting.

This feels nice and powerful.

I like this.

That reminded me of bullying.

I don't like that because that reminded me of being bullied as a kid.

If you've ever been bullied, you know that they say that bullies are are cowards.

It is quite cowardly because what what bullies do bullies are are consistently scanning for weakness.

They're always searching for somebody who's less able to fight back.

There's often a kind of a self-loathing with bullies too, that when they finally catch somebody, they really enjoy treating that person the way that they feel about themselves.

Like, I'm not being held accountable here for not flushing a toilet.

This person's trying to see if it's okay to make me feel uncomfortable, to shame me, to hurt me.

And a person who bullies, they scan and select targets by consistently testing boundaries little by little the bully tests the boundary to see what they get away with and once they go past that boundary then they go harder and harder and being around a person who bullies is is fucking exhausting because you're on edge you're consistently on edge needing to catch the little comments, the little remarks that are testing your boundaries.

Often these people, they make these comments in the company of others, in the company of your friends, so that if you call it out the small little remark, you end up looking like a dickhead.

That's how you can end up in a situation where a lot of people, their bullies, are their best friend or who they think are their best friend.

And when you're around people who don't do this, it's just fine, it's relaxing.

You don't have to have your guard up and you don't have to risk looking like you're overreacting by calling out the small little swipes.

The best thing to do with a bully, get the fuck away from him.

Get the fuck away from him.

Don't hang around with him.

But anyway, the way this man was speaking to me, it reminded me very heavily of bullying, bullying in the past.

This wasn't about an unflushed toilet, it was about enjoying shaming a stranger and feeling a bit of power.

But how do you stop that?

You notice it in the moment and you shut it down very early by listening to that feeling in your spine, that very specific particular feeling when you know that something wrong is happening to you.

I didn't feel comfortable with the aggressive cursing and also the fact that it was done on a Sunday with nobody watching.

My gut feeling was

a person's trying to see if it's okay to bully me.

Now this is an office, this is shared office space, this is a professional environment, people are at work.

It's not a pub.

It's not out in the middle of the street, it's a shared working environment where there's very separate established rules of decorum.

There's contracts that you sign about respect and conduct with other people in this shared space.

You're at work, coerced into participating in capitalism.

At work, you don't have the freedoms to escape like you do outside of work.

So, because of this, there's established rules and decorum around interpersonal propriety and respect.

You don't curse at a stranger in a shared office space.

There's a seagull.

We'll let that gently pass.

I don't know who this person is.

They're a stranger.

I don't work with them.

This is a stranger in an office environment.

And now they're showing me a photograph of pacing shit in a toilet without my consent.

Like a person who rubs a dog's nose in their own shit to try and potty train them.

Now at this point,

I'm pissed off now.

I'm pissed off.

That feeling,

the justified anger feeling in my spine is like jolting me now.

But here's the thing.

The interesting thing about that particular emotion, the particular definite feeling of

I am being wronged right now and I need to stand up for myself.

The certainty,

it wasn't me.

I didn't do that to the toilet.

Like it was not me.

This is a big surprise to me.

So for a stranger to start flat out accusing me of it and treating me as if I did when I didn't and to do so

in a way which is

using abusive language.

You don't curse at people in a fucking office corridor that you don't know that you don't work with.

There's no doubt.

The sensation of

I'm being wronged and I need to stand up for myself, that's very, very strong and definite.

There's no doubt.

And the beauty of that emotion is

it's real healthy anger.

It's anger that won't spill over into rage.

There's no emotional hijack.

I'm not reacting to that emotion.

I can really quickly respond to it.

And I just said to him, I said, sorry, what's your name?

He says, Thomas, and I said, Thomas, I didn't do this.

I don't appreciate being accused of it.

You need to take this up with the people who run the building because that's their job.

I'm finished talking about this now.

Now, his name wasn't Thomas.

I made that up to protect his identity.

But I walked away then from the conversation and went down to the toilet to do my piss.

And that's the best thing to do in that situation.

That's being assertive.

And to be assertive is to

clearly express your boundaries and your thoughts.

It's not aggressive, it's also not passive.

It's direct, clear communication about the problem at hand.

And to be assertive you describe the situation, express how you feel, specify what you want, and give consequences if the behavior continues.

D-E-S-C describe the situation.

I didn't do this, Thomas.

Express how I feel.

I don't appreciate being accused of this, Thomas.

Specify what I want.

Take it up with the fucking building.

This is what we're supposed to do in these situations.

And see consequences.

I'm not talking about this anymore.

Cause it has nothing to do with me.

That's the assertive way to deal with the situation.

Like, if you're thinking, why didn't you give him a piece of your mind?

Why didn't you tell him to fuck off?

Cause then I'm in the wrong too.

It's a fucking office environment.

This is I rent.

This is where I rent.

This is where I work.

I've done nothing wrong other than show up for work and try to go for a piss.

I've done nothing wrong at all.

If someone comes up and they're mistreating me and then I respond equally by mistreating them, now I'm wrong too.

So the appropriate thing to do is leave emotion out of it and just respond appropriately to the problem.

What's the problem?

Someone's accusing me of leaving a shit in the toilet and not cleaning it up.

No, that didn't happen.

There's nothing else to talk about now.

See you later.

When I finished my piss and I walked back down the corridor towards my office,

I was expecting this fella Thomas to be gone back into his office.

But as I walked down, no, he's standing there.

He's standing there now at his door.

And I'm thinking, oh fuck.

Is he going to double down now?

Do I have to, is there going to be a fight now?

And in my head I I just say, no, no,

I'm gonna, I'm literally gonna walk past him and go into my office because

this actually is none of my business and it has nothing to do with me and I want to work.

But as I get closer to Thomas,

his body language has changed completely.

He's leaning against his door.

And now he's kind of looking down at his feet with one hand up towards his mouth like he's biting his fingertips.

and before I can even try to walk past he stops me and he goes I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

I shouldn't have spoken to you like that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And I kept walking and just said, that's no problem, Thomas, no problem at all.

Look, take it up at the building.

And I go back into my office.

And then when I sat down, it felt

that felt good.

It felt good to have...

to appropriately use assertiveness in a situation where someone's not treating me very well and for it to work and achieve the desired outcome my desired outcome

leave me the fuck alone this is none of my business can I get back to work that's my desired outcome here assertiveness is very powerful but it has to be rooted in

you have to legitimately be in the right and you have to have the type of self-compassion and self-love and self-esteem to know, to notice when a person is wronging you and to believe to believe that you deserve to stand up for yourself and I tell you why it felt good

it

let me know that I'm actually in a good headspace right now

you'll know a couple of weeks ago when I was on tour I was very afraid of autistic burnout and if I'm able to respond to conflict with assertiveness, it means that my self-esteem is in a very good place right now, that my head is in a good place.

I did the right thing and I managed to do it without hurting somebody, without

insulting another person or responding with rage or aggression.

Assertiveness works when

if someone's being a bit mean to you, if you get that tingle and you notice I'm not being confronted here, a person's being a bit mean.

This person's testing boundaries.

They're trying some shit out.

They're being inappropriate.

When you respond in a way which doesn't submit to that, submitting there would be being intimidated, going a bit quiet, taking it on board, behaving as if I'm treating you like you didn't flush the toilet and now I'm shaming you and you fucking did this.

You can submit to that by like, has that ever happened to you?

Have you ever been treated inappropriately or accused of something you didn't do or you're being treated?

Like like think back to school teachers screaming and roaring at you you haven't done anything the teacher's just in a bad mood but when they they're treating you as if you're bad or wrong and now you're experiencing guilt you're experiencing guilt and lore in your head and behaving as if you deserve to be treated that way that's submission or then the other thing you can do is you could escalate How dare you speak to me like this?

Who the fuck do you think you are that you can talk to me like this?

You fucking cunt.

I'll show you.

That's escalating and both of those are reactions to emotions that are being projected on you by the other person.

You can either hit the tennis ball back or you can say, no, I'm not playing tennis.

I didn't ask for a game of tennis.

I've other things to be done.

If you submit, excellent, they're thrilled.

Now they have a victim.

If you fly off the fucking handle, now you've taken the bait.

Now you've given them actual behavior that you can be held accountable for.

But assertiveness is the calm refusal to escalate or submit and to respond only in the present moment with the facts at hand, focused only on solving the actual problem.

I didn't leave a shit in the toilet.

Conversation over.

This isn't my business.

Bye-bye.

When you can behave in that way effectively,

what it does is it holds up an adult mirror.

And now the person who's engaging in bullying or testing boundaries, they're now forced to look at themselves, to look at their own behavior because they didn't get any reaction, you see.

Now any reaction doesn't mean no reaction.

You can't confuse assertiveness for passive aggression.

Assertiveness is when you calmly express how you feel or set a boundary.

It's quite honest and it's very sincere.

Silent treatment.

a lot of people engage in silent treatment and they think what they're doing is being mature or having the upper hand because they're refusing to engage but but silent treatment is actually silent treatment can be used to really badly bully people it's an avoidance of direct communication it's a way of punishing other people with silence it's a way to try and try and beat another person with your own heart.

The goal of passive aggressive silent treatment is to try and

try and make another person feel confused or guilty in some way.

It's a complete escalation of conflict while convincing yourself that you're actually really, really mature and refusing to engage.

Now silent treatment isn't to be confused again then with no contact.

Some people go no contact with a person who's been abusive to them or a person who they have a very toxic dynamic with.

That's no contact.

It's setting a boundary for headpiece, which is usually mutually beneficial.

Silent treatment is completely refusing to speak to a person to hurt them, to punish.

It's placing another adult on the naughty step or the highest degree of silent treatment, which I've seen adults doing, pretending another person doesn't exist.

You'll see that with people in their early 20s usually

after a breakup, they might not have the emotional maturity to process the complexity of feelings of rejection or heartbreak.

Now you're in the pub and your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend who you were incredibly intimate with, who you were best friends with, is pretending that you don't exist, that you're a ghost.

Which, if you've ever been on the receiving end of that, is one of the most painful feelings in the world.

That's passive aggression and it's a form of bullying and manipulation.

When I came back for that piss and the Thomas fella apologized to me, I accepted his apology.

I said thanks for that, right?

I'll talk to you later.

Because that's all that was required.

I could have ignored him, could have ignored him and said nothing to the apology and went back into my office and slammed my door a little bit.

which is actually quite cruel and I could have done that and convinced myself I'm not engaging.

Why did that fella apologize to me?

Why did he have his head down?

Why was his body language?

Why was he chewing his fingernails?

Because

I responded really assertively and it held up a mirror to his behavior, his attempt to

shame me and mistreat me.

by communicating clearly,

not taking his behavior personally and then not reacting

emotionally, the energy has to bounce back.

The attempts at shaming have to bounce back.

And I guarantee you, when I was explaining this 10 minutes ago about,

you know, holding up the photograph of the toilet and going, that's disgusting.

Do you think that's fucking acceptable?

I bet you were thinking, Jesus, what a prick.

Because, yeah, like that Thomas was behaving like a prick.

He's not a prick, but he was behaving like a prick.

Assertiveness is like a little mirror.

They get to see themselves behaving like a prick.

He was then briefly confronted with his own feelings of shame.

That's my guess.

People who engage in bullying behavior can often struggle with shame.

Where am I pulling this stuff from?

A lot of difficult this is from the work of a psychologist called Albert Bandora, who looked into the psychology of bullying and its relationship with the experience of shame.

Shame is an interesting one.

It's different to guilt.

People who struggle with guilt can frequently feel as if they have done something wrong.

I've done something terrible and I'm trying to figure out what this is, this feeling of guilt.

People who experience the feeling of shame, like problematic shame, very deep feelings of

inferiority, not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy of being loved or being a good person, feeling deserving of rejection, feeling deserving of disgusting things.

Sometimes people who struggle with these particular internal feelings

can

relieve the discomfort of that by projecting those feelings on other people, turning that shame outwards, scanning and looking for the weak people.

Will you take my shame today?

Will you take some of this shame?

And this Thomas fella tried to shame me he tried to shame me with a photograph of a toilet he was convinced i was the one i was the one who did it and now i have you look at that that's disgusting that is how do you feel about that do you think that's acceptable that's disgusting and when i didn't take the energy on board and held up a mirror to it he had to sit and look at the infi the feelings of shame that he was trying to give to me and then had to go oh my god that was that actually was really fucking inappropriate i better apologize christ i think i behaved like a prick hurt people hurt people

and and you know just because a person engages in in bullying behavior it doesn't mean that they're bad forever it means that they're behaving in a way with that that's hurtful to other people but it doesn't mean that they're a bad human being, a nasty human being.

It means that they have deeply unhelpful coping strategies that are harmful to other people.

And when he was saying sorry to me in the hallway,

it wasn't like an adult accountability apology.

There was an element of pleading.

I mean this constructively and not in a

mean, contemptuous way, but

if I was to write a character who was apologizing that way,

the character is that it's not another fucking seagull.

If I was to write a character in this way, the character would be what we call pathetic, pitiful, frightened,

pleading.

When he apologized to me, I saw

the shame.

When he apologized to me, I got a glimpse at the person he was trying to avoid, the the the

the negative opinion he has about himself and interestingly

that

I reacted to emotionally

so I went back into my office and I was I was pleased and I was happy with having responded assertively but his

apology And the pleading nature of it, it wasn't an adult apology.

An adult apology is

I'm really sorry about that.

I want to take accountability for my words.

Please accept this apology and a handshake.

That's an apology.

This wasn't that.

This was, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Please, please, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have done that.

Shouldn't I treat you like that?

There was a lot of emotion.

After that, I sat down and then I started to feel, I started to experience feelings of shame.

and insecurity.

As the minutes went by, the adrenaline of the confrontation had worn off

and I started to feel vulnerable and a bit shook.

I had that delayed reaction of, Jesus, that really shouldn't have happened there.

Then I started to feel insecure.

I started to feel insecure.

Feelings of low self-esteem.

Feelings like,

what is it about me?

that made a person feel they could speak to me that way.

Do I look like I don't clean toilets?

Do I look like I go to the toilet and don't clean it?

Do I look like that type of person?

Insecure, low self-esteem thoughts, kind of blaming myself.

Well, maybe if a person speaks to me like that, it's because I deserve it.

Even if I didn't do this thing that I was being accused of, maybe there's something else, something else about me.

Why me?

Like, why was I chosen?

There's loads of people on this fucking floor.

I know it's a Sunday and I'm the only person here, but why me?

And then autism trauma comes in.

If you stand out in any way in society,

when you're autistic, you fucking stand out because you behave eccentrically, you speak differently to people, everything about you is different.

Even though you want to be invisible, everything about your mannerisms, the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you think is fucking different.

When you grow up autistic, you get blamed for shit you didn't do simply because you stand out, you have difficulty blending in when all you want to do is blend in.

You get picked on by fucking bullies because you're seen as weird, strange, eccentric.

I got accused of this probably

because I'm in the office all the time.

I work longer hours than anybody else in the building because I'm fucking obsessed with my work.

If I need to work from 7 in the morning until 4 in the morning, I'll do it.

I'll do that no problem at all.

I don't don't even consider that to be work because what else am I going to be doing sitting at home thinking about work?

The cleaners tell me to go to bed.

It's not a problem for me.

I don't know any other way to operate and I'm incredibly happy.

If I'm focused on a subject and I'm researching and I can't stop thinking about it, I'll work a 17 hour day, no problem at all.

I can't imagine doing anything else.

I fucking love it.

But I'm a lunatic in an office full of accountants and pharmaceutical workers and solicitors and what have you.

So Thomas went, that guy, he's the guy who doesn't flush the toilets.

Now I have him.

And I start feeling insecure.

I start thinking of all the different people on the floor and going,

I bet he wouldn't have done that to that dude who walks in in the suit all the time.

I bet you he wouldn't have accused him with his consistent air of professionalism and perfect posture.

And now all these insecure emotions are coming up in me.

Feelings of jealousy toward comparing myself, comparing myself to other people

and saying there's something wrong with me that I was targeted.

And the toxicity of that then made me

I started thinking I'm gonna report him.

I'm gonna report Thomas.

I'm gonna report him to the

building and say that he bullied and harassed me and I'm gonna get him kicked out.

I'm gonna get him kicked out of the building.

And I started to feel

that little bit of power that a bully feels.

And I didn't like it.

I didn't like it and I caught it.

I caught it in the moment.

And I went, hold on a second here.

Do I really want to report this fella?

Do I feel so unsafe?

Do I legitimately feel so unsafe that I think

this fella needs to be reported?

and possibly lose his job because it's in the job losing territory.

It is a violation of conduct in the workplace.

So it's in that territory.

And I'm honestly asking myself, he didn't threaten me.

I don't feel unsafe at all.

He was a bit of a prick.

And then he apologized when he was confronted.

I'm not afraid of anything.

I can still fucking work.

It's grand.

I think if I was to report this fella, what I'm actually looking for is revenge.

I want revenge.

And I reflected upon

how this desire, this desire, this feeling for fucking revenge started to pop up when I'm feeling insecure.

So when I start to feel insecure, I start to call myself a big stupid autistic cunt who looks like he leaves shits in toilets and doesn't flush.

You big stupid autistic cunt, there you are getting fucking bullied again just like you did back in school.

Looking around thinking,

bet you it wouldn't have happened to him, wouldn't have happened to him, not that fella.

myself, comparing myself to other people.

This all brought on the feelings of insecurity, feeling small.

And then suddenly I feel as if, well, I think I'll feel better if I get revenge.

I think I'll feel better about me if I can have this fella lose his job.

I think, like, fuck off.

So, what I did was, I said to myself, do you know what?

I'm gonna fucking knock on Thomas's door and I'm gonna let him know.

I'm gonna say to him, Do you know what Thomas?

I'm really shook by that.

I was really shooked by the way you spoke to me and I'm debating.

I'm debating whether or not I should report you for

treating me like shit in my place of work.

What do you think of that?

Bringing it to him, bringing it to him and getting his feedback on that particular position, which I think is fair enough.

So that's what I fucking did.

I walked up and I knocked on his door.

But before I tell you this story, let's have an ocarina pause.

Yeah, I'm doing that.

I'm doing the fucking ocarina pause right when I knock at his door.

Not for suspense, not for storytelling, even though I know it works, but we do need a fucking ocarina pause.

Um, I don't have an ocarina.

In my office, I've got a

an empty can of kombucha.

What I'd actually I'd love it, but you can't usher the fuckers.

I'd love the seagulls.

I would love it if the seagulls gave us something to say.

But of course, you can't, you can't beckon a seagull to squawk.

I could try.

The seagulls are j literally just above me on my roof.

I could try and get the seagulls to squawk and see if we could have a seagull pause.

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They won't or I try and ultra this kind of kombucha up at the seading.

Ah

you'll hear an adverb for some shit.

Actually, fuck it, I know it's a Sunday, but now your man Thomas is down the fucking hallway, so now I've just

now

he can stop me in the hallway and ask me

Excuse me with you squeaking like a seagull inside in your office and throwing a can off the roof.

I'll just I'll say no to that.

I'll say no to that.

Look, that was a pause.

I don't know what that was.

You'd have heard an advert there, right?

For new listeners.

I'm aware there's a lot of new listeners this week

because

my appearance, my interview with Ash Sarkar on Novara Media came out this week and I got about

12,000 new followers on Instagram.

So there's a lot of people and this is their first podcast this week.

So

a fair fucking play to you.

This is not an accessible accessible episode at all this is

this this is a very detailed episode about all the emotions I felt after someone wrongly accused me of leaving a shade in a toilet but these these are the podcasts that I get to make because this podcast is listener funded

this podcast is listener funded via the Patreon page patreon.com forward slash the blind by podcast

This podcast is my full-time job.

It's how I earn a living.

It's how I rent out this office.

It's how I rent out, or it's how I pay for all my equipment.

This is literally my full-time job.

This is what I do as a job.

And this podcast simply would not be possible if it wasn't for listeners literally giving me money to make it.

I've one rule.

Whatever.

I deliver a fucking podcast every week.

And I have done for eight years.

I deliver a podcast every single week.

And I make sure that whatever I'm speaking about I am legitimately genuinely passionate about that the podcast that goes out is the podcast that I want to make that it's authentic it's congruent to how I feel and that I can deliver the podcast with passion and integrity so that's only possible because of

the listeners who fund me directly on patreon patreon.com forward slash the buying by blind by podcast and all I'm looking for is the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month.

That's it.

And if you can't afford that, listen for free.

You can listen for free.

Everybody gets the exact same podcast.

And the people who are paying are paying for you to listen for free.

It's a wonderful model based on kindness and soundness.

So that's patreon.com forward slash the blind by podcast.

And if you are signing up to the Patreon, number one, make sure you're a paid subscriber, not a free subscriber.

And also,

sign up on a browser, whether it's on your phone or on a desktop.

Don't become a new Patreon subscriber via the Apple iPhone app because Apple are greedy buys and they take 30% of that so fuck that.

And the other reason that I want to keep this podcast listener funded is

I am not beholden to advertisers.

There are adverts on this podcast because this is an ACAST podcast and some of the adverts are algorithmically generated but no one no advertiser can tell me what to do no advertiser can adjust my content in any way they can't they have no input they can they can fuck off advertising destroys art I consider this podcast to be a novel a gigantic novel

my duty is to be to be congruent with myself and to be passionate each week that's it I don't want to be thinking about what's popular, what do people want to hear, what will get clicks and shares and views.

And once advertisers step into the space, that's what they do.

We're sponsoring this podcast.

We need more clicks.

Have you thought about being a transphobe?

Have you thought about being transphobic?

That gets a lot of clicks, that does.

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Do you think there's too many immigrants?

Do you think that?

Controversy.

Controversy.

Don't say anything.

Just say you're asking questions.

Just Just get a bit of controversy.

Get those fuck off.

No.

This week's podcast is

an analysis of all the different emotions I felt after someone accused me, wrongly, accused me of leaving a shit in a toilet.

That's what I want this podcast to be about.

That's not the type of content that'll get you

sponsored by Twix.

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Fucking Twix.

I'm nothing against Twixes.

Twixes are alright.

It's just.

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Big shout out to this week's sponsor, Twix.

So look, I walked up to Thomas's door down the corridor to give it a knock with the intention of

honestly saying to him, because they're the thing, I was shook.

I was shook.

I was shook by the behavior in the corridor.

It was

inappropriate, and like I said, it was.

There was an attempt at bullying, which I did not like at all.

And there was a legitimate part of myself

that was thinking do i need to flag this one officially not like

not try and get this man fired but should i i'm this is a professional agreement there's a content contract i'm renting an office it's my place of fucking work i'm i'm in there's conduct around how we have to treat each other that we agree upon There's the seagulls.

Where the fuck were you joining the ocarina, poss?

There's a greed conduct.

I was thinking, do I need to at least create a paper trail and

let the office know?

Looks, someone was really fucking disrespectful to me in the corridor yesterday.

I don't know this person.

I don't know what they're capable of.

Sometimes you can let a person off the hook.

Don't report it.

And now all of a sudden they're reporting you.

and you don't have that paper trail so that's where my head was at and I figured do you know what the fair thing to do let Thomas know is that this is what I'm thinking right now, Thomas.

And

what do you think of this?

And I knocked on his door to bring this to his attention because it was emotionally congruent.

It's how I felt.

And

I trusted this feeling.

I didn't trust the part of myself that was like, I'd like revenge, but I did trust the part of myself which was

Maybe I need to hold him account officially a little bit

so that I don't get booted out of my office down the line or that I don't regret it.

But how about I bring him into this?

So I knocked on his door

and

he was shocked sitting behind the desk.

And I said to him, I'm really shook by the way you treated me and this is what I'm thinking.

Do I need to do this?

Do I need to do this?

The way that you spoke to me out there was...

Was really fucking inappropriate.

Do I need to flag this with with the powers that be?

And he looked at me and he said, no, please don't do that.

No, we don't.

There's no issue.

There's no issue.

I'm genuinely sorry.

And now his apology was a lot more genuine.

Now this was the adult apology.

I'm really fucking sorry, he said.

It's a Sunday.

I'm in here working on a Sunday, alright?

And I went to the toilet.

And it was in a terrible state.

It was disgusting.

And it just the fact that I'm here on a Sunday, I want to be at home with my kid and I'm here on a fucking Sunday.

And that just pushed me over the edge.

And then I went, okay.

And I said to him, are you in the pharmaceutical industry?

And he goes, yes, I am.

Yes, I am.

And I said, forgive me for asking, but

has it been a bit stressful recently?

There's been a lot of activity.

Has it been stressful for you recently?

And he goes, yes, very.

That's why I'm here on a Sunday.

And then I said, Is it because of the Trump tariff thing?

Yeah, yeah,

yeah, everybody's panicking.

Everybody's panicking.

So then I'm going, oh fuck, man, okay.

Jesus, that sounds really, really stressful.

He goes, it is, it is.

I don't want to be here on a Sunday.

I don't want to be here on a Sunday.

I don't want to be cleaning shit out of a toilet here on a Sunday.

I want to be at home with my little kid.

That's what I want to be doing right now.

In fairness to me,

I didn't mention the seagull thesis.

I did not mention, I really wanted to, I wanted to start going.

You got to hear the seagull thesis.

I did not.

I didn't say a fucking word about it because it'd be inappropriate.

It'd be mental.

What I did say was

Like man you got really really fucking annoyed about the the toilet and he goes well

it was disgusting I'm like yeah but you were really angry like you you were shaking you were shaking when you said it to me and then I said

no I didn't tell him who the fuck I was and he hasn't a clue who I am and he's not gonna figure out who I am and I've changed enough very subtle small details in this podcast that there's no way for him to identify me as far as anyone in my office building is concerned I import and export fruit.

That's my fucking cover.

I'm a fruit exporter.

but i did say to thomas which is true i said to him thomas

i i trained to be a psychotherapist i didn't complete my training but i did

three years training to be a psychotherapist i learned about psychology human emotions all this stuff and then he was a bit taken aback because when you say that to people it can freak them out a little bit sometimes but

I said to him Thomas,

do you really think you were that angry about shit in the toilet?

Because you see Thomas I don't like going to a toilet that has that's not flushed and has shit in it either.

I don't like that but I just go to one of the different toilets.

What I what I definitely don't do is I don't accuse another person of leaving shit in the fucking toilet with no evidence.

I don't do that.

And he says, I know, I'm sorry about that.

And then I said, have you ever been to therapy?

Have you ever, have you an interest in psychotherapy and psychology and he's like no haven't a clue about it

and I said really

I said at the core of it it's it's about understanding our emotions about it's about having the the critical faculties to understand

and name what we are feeling why we are feeling these things and

how to respond to these feelings so that they don't control us.

And I said, are you able to see how this morning

you found an unflushed toilet, right?

Something which is,

for me, would be mildly irritating, but you found an unflushed toilet,

became so angry that you convinced yourself that I was the one who did it.

You then confronted me about it, and you got so angry.

that I'm now in your office asking you if I need to report you.

I said,

can you see that sequence of events?

And he says, I can.

I didn't think of it that way, but yeah, I can.

And then I said, I'm

when you accused me,

when you accused me of

that with the toilet, you kept bringing up, you said, you have a toddler at home and they would not do that.

And then you mentioned there as well that you'd like to be at home with your kid.

And then he goes, I know, yeah, I am, but like, I have to be at work.

I have to be at work.

I like my job, I have to be at work.

And then I just said, look, I'm not a fucking therapist, I'm not a qualified therapist.

But

if I was in your shoes, what I'd be looking at there is sometimes we displace anger in other places.

I said,

you're turning up on a Sunday, you don't want to be here, it feels unfair, you're angry about this, you want to be at home with your kid.

In order to come into work and answer your emails and do what you need to do on a Sunday, you kind of have to ignore these things.

You have to ignore the unfairness of it just to show up.

You have to suppress that anger and it will find its way out in another outlet.

I think because when you were shaken in the fucking hallway with anger about a shit you just found in the toilet, I don't think it had much to do.

I don't think it it had anything to do with the shit.

I think it's the unfairness of being in here on a Sunday and he goes quiet and goes

fuck it I never thought about it like that like how do you mean and I said well that's

that's called displacement.

It's a psychodynamic concept in psychology that's called displacement.

It's where

it's what's called a defense mechanism.

It's completely unconscious and it's where an emotion is redirected from its true source to a more acceptable, acceptable or accessible target.

Seagulls, you hear them seagulls.

I asked him, I said, do you have a choice about being in here today?

He goes, no, I don't.

I don't.

I said, do you want to be in here today?

No, I don't.

It's a Sunday.

I don't want to be in here today.

Do you want to be with your child?

Yes.

Yes.

I was really looking forward to Sunday with my child.

I really don't want to be in here today.

I said, Can you ask your boss?

Could you ask your boss for the day off?

And then he goes, Really unlikely right now, there's just too much fucking stress.

I wouldn't do that.

So I said,

Here's what I would reckon.

You know, just using the theory of displacement,

this would be my reading.

You this feels really unfair.

You feel as if you don't have any control over this

You feel powerless

It feels deeply unfair because you're you're missing time with your little child who you love

But because you feel so powerless about this situation the the reasonable annoyance of finding an unflushed shit in a toilet has triggered all the anger and frustration that you actually feel about the system, about your situation and maybe about your boss and i think i got caught in in that crossfire

and he says fucking hell what do you call that

and i said that's just psychology that's psychology it's i might be wrong i might be completely wrong every single person is different also like i'm not qualified like i said but that's one way of looking at your situation.

It allows us to

understand what what we're feeling, why we're feeling, to critically analyze these things called fucking emotions that no one tells us about.

You don't learn it in school.

And I said, the reason I'm in here chatting to you is because I'm trying to understand my emotions.

Because, like I said, I was shook from that bit of confrontation we had.

I'm going to start killing them fucking seagulls.

I'm going to displace my energy on those seagulls is what I'm going to start doing.

Could you hear him there again?

But I said to him, Thomas,

I

came in here to ask you if I needed to report you I don't think I fucking do now after having a chat with you I don't at all

but because I was feeling like I wanted to I figured the best way the best thing to do is to use empathy to come in here and use empathy and chat with you and try and speak with you about what's going on and that's what we're doing now

And the whole mood had changed.

I'm looking at a completely different person.

I'm not looking at the angry man that I met 20 minutes previously.

I'm looking at just a regular fella, a kind person.

We're having a chat, we're laughing, there's no tension, there's fucking nothing.

I'm seeing a man who loves his child and wants to be with his little kid, whose

possible fucking industry is in jeopardy because of Donald Trump and his policies.

And then he comes back to me.

That stuff about the anger and

the toilet, that's

he said,

I'm not feeling as annoyed

about the shit in the toilet now.

And then I said, Yeah, well, yeah, that's it, that's emotional literacy.

Now you have you have words

to see and understand and critically analyze this strange

abstraction that is human emotion.

And then you're hearing those seagulls, yeah.

And then I said to him,

Like, did you have any evidence to accuse me of

being the one responsible?

And he goes, no.

And I said,

why me?

And he goes, you're just here all the time.

And I was right, that's, it's because I'm fucking here all the time.

But I said, Tim,

like, you didn't have any fucking evidence.

And you were really sure that it was me.

And you were so sure that you came out and accused me.

And I said, with all due respect,

you made yourself look like a bit of a langer.

and he laughed and says, I know.

And I said, Because we were joking now, we were joking now, no tension, there's a bit of crack.

And I said, I said, Do you know what that's called?

Do you know what that is?

Do you know?

And he goes, What?

And I said, That's that's known as emotional reasoning.

I said, When we experience something like anger, and I said, I saw you, your face was red, and you were shaking.

I said, That's known as an emotional hijack.

The experience of anger is so intense

that our

thoughts

will try to confirm that emotion and look for evidence as to why the emotion is correct.

I feel disgusted, disrespected, and furious that someone has left a shit in this toilet for me, for me, on a Sunday when I'm supposed to be at home with my kid and you've left a shit in this toilet.

Who was it?

It was him.

Of course, it was him.

He's the only one here.

There's no other explanation.

If it wasn't true, I wouldn't feel this way.

And that's how emotions can inform our thoughts.

And then those thoughts inform our behaviors.

And then I said, I have a fucking book about this.

I have a book about this inside my office.

And I gave him the fucking...

It was a book.

Just a very small book about cognitive psychology and the emotion of anger.

And I gave him this book and I said, read that.

I said, this is the shit they should have they should have taught us this in school I said none of this stuff none of this stuff is about being mentally unwell anything like that I just said this is the complexity of human emotions that's all this is we experience emotions and we don't live in a society that has a good vocabulary around emotions or emotional literacy That's what this is and once you start to understand your emotions notice them and feel them then

you

you respond to them rather than react to them and i said that's a continual journey for me

all the time and then

i said all right thanks very much see you later and i left that conversation feeling wonderful

feeling really

good because i just connected with another human I went from conflict to genuinely connecting with another stranger.

And if you're wondering,

but blind boy,

don't you consistently mention that as a result of

being an autistic person, that you dread small talk with strangers?

Small talk?

Yeah.

The

ritualistic masks and personalities that people wear when they're engaging in small talk,

that shit is difficult, but I don't struggle with authentic communication

genuine authentic emotionally congruent conversation with a stranger where we're being honest and speaking about something with depth I've no issue with that whatsoever that's not a problem at all my issue is with small talk and this wasn't small talk this is me speaking about the emotion of anger and and feeling as if I'm helping another person

and understanding them and using empathy And that was magnificent.

That was wonderful.

So I went back into my office.

And then a while back there, I got a little knock on the door.

And it was Thomas.

And he said, thanks, Flat.

Thanks very much for the book.

And thank you for the chat.

And he shook my hand and he said, I'm going home to my kid.

I'm taking a half day.

So that's what happened to me today here on Sunday.

That's this week's podcast.

And I've changed enough details

I've changed enough details in that story

to stick to the important bits, but also not jeopardize a person's identity.

And also, I can say to ye,

this is firmly rooted within the Seagull thesis.

Firmly.

Alright?

Um.

I was accused of leaving a shit in a toilet because of Donald Trump's policies and their impact on the fucking pharmaceutical industry in Limerick City.

That's what happened there.

And that

is related to the seagulls on my roof that are behaving erratically, accusing each other.

They're gone nuts.

You hear them throughout the podcast.

They're really, they're pissed off.

They're starving.

They're fighting with each other because they can't get into the wheelie bins.

To get their food because the wheelie bins are locked because humans are stealing plastic bottles in order to get money for the deposit return scheme.

This is all part of the Seagull thesis.

That's all we have time for this week.

I wasn't expecting, I was not expecting this week's episode to be about that, but that's what I like.

I love a podcast that surprises me.

This was a mental health episode.

I hope you took something from it.

What I'm happiest about is

my conduct today,

my groundedness, my emotional literacy, my capacity to communicate, to understand what I'm feeling, to express what I'm feeling.

These are all indicators to me that I'm experiencing high self-esteem at the moment.

And by high self-esteem, what I mean is a good deal of self-compassion, that

I'm happy with who I am.

I feel deserving to love myself and to feel that I need and deserve respect and compassion and that I deserve to be treated the way that I'd like to treat other people.

I'm better than nobody else.

Nobody else is better than me because I'm a human being and I have intrinsic value, equal worth to all other humans because humans are too complex to compare against each other.

And if I'm feeling this way, it means that

I'm battling barnout.

It means that I'm winning the battle against burnout.

As you know, I was on tour about a month ago, and being on tour, loads and loads of small talk with strangers, that can throw me into, as someone who's neurodivergent, that can throw me into burnout.

And

how did I get out of burnout?

Mindfulness, self-compassion, being kind to myself, But a big one, a big proactive one, is

really staying on top of any type of procrastination.

Doing the smallest tasks, responding to texts, answering to emails, putting out the rubbish.

The small tiny tasks that I feel like putting off in my day, noticing them and getting them done in the moment.

and then the tiny little confidence boosters that come from that

my diligence around that particular set of behaviors over the past few weeks, that has kept autistic burnout at bay.

If I was going through burnout,

I wouldn't have the capacity to be assertive.

I wouldn't have the capacity to truly analyze and understand my emotions.

I'd be awash in a world of fear and insecurity.

If someone

if someone tried tried to bully me, I'd probably take it and feel like dog shit afterwards and isolate myself and not go outside the house.

So, anyway, look, as I said last week, I'm in the process of building a dedicated space to record this podcast

where I don't have to worry about things like seagulls or pharmaceutical workers or the sound of rain, where external factors can't impact the sound recording or distract me from this in any way.

So,

we might be on the last weeks of recording in this office.

I need a laboratory, I need a fucking consistent studio laboratory where it's sterile and I can just record and nothing's distracting me.

I'll catch you next week, I don't know what with,

but in the meantime,

rub a dog,

genuflect to a hawk.

If you see a hawk, sacrifice a twix to an otter.

Dog bless.

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

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