481 – Operation Baguette Storm

Welcome to the British History Podcast.

My name is Jamie, and this is episode 481, Operation Baguette Storm.

This show is ad-free due to member support, and as a way of thanking members for keeping the show independent, I offer members-only content, including extra episodes and rough transcripts, and you can get instant access to all the members' extras by signing up for membership at thebritishhistorypodcast.com for about the price of a latte per month.

And thank you very much to Cindy, Martha, and Cosman for signing up already.

When we left off, Rufus and Robert of Balem were marching upon Maine.

Specifically, Count Hellius' fortress at Danjul.

Now this fortress made military incursions and raids into Maine insanely difficult, which Rufus and Robert found deeply inconsiderate.

So naturally, it would have to be brought down, or at the very least, it would need to be occupied by good, honest Normans who wouldn't interfere with the king's God-given right to go and raid and pillage the people of Maine.

The trouble was that Don Jules was a formidable castle, and it wouldn't be easy to bring it down, especially now that Count Hellius had reinforced it.

But don't worry, the fellas had a plan.

You see, it was February, and that meant that the weather sucked ass, and heavy winter rains were coming in.

On top of that, everyone knew that Rufus and Robert of Boulem were embroiled in a war for the French Vexin.

And it was also known that Rufus' forces were badly bloodied from a year's worth of failed military campaigns.

And I'm also sure that word was getting out that the Royal Treasury of England was basically empty.

So, no one in their right minds would start a war in Maine under these conditions.

And the fellas were pretty sure that Hellias was stupidly in his right mind, which meant that Don Jules would almost certainly be lightly garrisoned because Hellias would naturally take the opportunity to rest his men and then prepare for the campaigning season.

You know, like a responsible ruler.

So Rufus and Robert's thought here was that if the winter of 1098 was the very worst possible time to start a war, then it was in fact the perfect time to start a war.

And that does have a certain type of logic to it.

That type being wily coyote.

Because this relied on a ton of assumptions being true.

The biggest being that Hellias and the people of Maine had no idea that Rufus and Robert were were about to attack.

And that is a pretty wild assumption to make, considering that Rufus had been running around making threats against Hellias, and so had Robert of Belem.

It's even crazier when you consider that Rufus and Robert had a huge army in the field about 200 kilometers from Don Jules.

But, you know, hey, maybe Hellias was distracted by something.

And the timing wasn't going to get any better, so Rufus, Balem, and their forces were traveling south as quickly and quietly as they could.

And as they were going, I imagine that Rufus and Balem were probably spending their time on the road discussing what they're going to do with their new fortress and all their new estates in Maine.

I don't know if they were discussing building a hotel and casino there, but it has that vibe.

And after some time on the road, one of the king's advanced scouts returned to the company, and he had news.

You see, there was a river crossing coming up, and um,

well, there were a bunch of heavily armed dudes just hanging around it, and they didn't look friendly.

But for Rufus, this wasn't that big of a problem.

There was a rise in banditry these days, so maybe Hellias was trying to tamp that down or something.

This really shouldn't slow them down any, because there were other routes they could take.

So Rufus kept to his brilliant plan, and he and his army continued forward into Maine through another route.

And after some time, one of the king's advance scouts returned to the main company and um

well

this road was passing through a densely wooded area and we didn't want to alarm anyone.

But there were a bunch of heavily armed dudes that were hiding in that wood and they didn't look friendly.

Alright, well, no problem.

We'll just go around the woods instead.

And after some time, one of the king's advanced scouts returned to the main company and told the king,

well,

up ahead, there's a steep embankment.

And at the top of it was...

And I'm guessing at this point, Rufus probably broke in and said something like, well, let me guess, Stephen.

Are there some unfriendly dudes at the top of it?

For f sake, okay, who blabbed?

Who told them we were coming?

Was it you?

Was it?

Because clearly he knows.

F.

And I'm not overly dramatizing this.

Orderic reports that when Rufus realized that every possible entry into the region was well guarded against him, quote, his fury was roused to the highest pitch, end quote.

And I suspect that's because Rufus knew exactly who blabbed and whose fault all of this was.

His name was Rufus.

You see, Rufus had threatened Helius months ago, meaning he had given the Count months to prepare his defenses.

And then, when Rufus finally crossed the channel, he decided to fight Philip instead, thus giving Helius even more time to prepare.

And yet, somehow, the Red King was surprised that his surprise attack, you know,

lacked the element of surprise.

And making it worse, Hellius was popular.

The commoners were openly supporting him, and that's why they were out there defending various crossings and paths.

Now, to be fair, the nobility also supported him, but Orderig tells us that they were afraid of Rufus.

I mean, I'm sure the commoners were as well, but because they were nobles, they just decided to keep their dislike of Rufus secret and instead were sitting on the sidelines watching to see which way the wind was blowing, all while they let the general public take the risk of defending everyone.

Classic.

Anyway, so Rufus was livid that his plan had been foiled.

And so, of course, he decided to double down.

He told Robert of Balem to muster, quote, great bodies of troops, end quote, and to, quote, fortify his castles with trenches and walls and various kinds of buildings, end quote, and also to hire mercenaries.

With his surprise attack failing, Rufus wanted an all-out war, which again highlights how Rufus was not dragged into this war against his will, despite what Orderic said.

He clearly was very much an active participant and aggressor.

Now, Balem had a bit more sense than Rufus, and he realized very quickly that what Rufus had in mind was incredibly expensive, and the costs could easily outweigh the benefits.

And so, of course, he told the king that.

And Rufus had a solution.

He promised to pay for all of it, naturally, with whatever he could extract from the English.

And this had been his solution to any problem for years now.

You make a bad decision, you spare no expense in implementing it, and then you force the public to pay for the bill.

And it had been going on for so long that England had been looted to the point of famine, which, if I were Balem, would make me wonder if the king could actually deliver on this promise.

But either Balem didn't have those concerns, or he saw it as an acceptable risk.

And honestly, I can see why.

The king was offering an incredible deal here.

Rufus was essentially offering Balem an opportunity to fortify his territory, feed his war machine, and potentially gain new lands in the process, all at no cost to himself.

And so, of course, Balem immediately began building new fortresses and adding new defenses to his existing strongholds, all at England's expense.

He then manned them with, quote, ferocious garrisons, end quote, again,

all at England's expense.

And given that Balem was an experienced engineer and had plenty of cash to grease the wheels, this construction happened incredibly quickly.

In pretty much a blink of an eye, he was deeply entrenched in the county, with nine fortresses and a number of fortified estates in the region.

And remember, this was Robert of Balem.

He had a reputation, and it wasn't a good one.

While Count Falk was known as the Quarreller, the people of the 11th century didn't even bother giving Balem a nickname, because he needed a nickname the same way that Jeffrey Dahmer needed a nickname.

Bolem was bad enough that everyone knew who you were talking about when you mentioned his name.

And actually, listeners of the members episodes will remember that his behavior was so notorious that he features as part of the myth of the wild hunt.

And some historians suspect that he was the inspiration for the myth of Robert the Devil.

And in that members member's episode on the myth of the wild hunt, you might recall that poor Bishop Wakellen wasn't even worried about hell at first.

That whole story started off with how afraid he was to be on the road at night because he was terrified that he might encounter Robert of Balem,

specifically.

This guy had reached a level of being so notoriously evil that it became mythic.

And it wasn't just him.

The people who served him or were attracted to his style of governance were also known to be awful, literally terrifying, even by the standards of the era.

And these were the people who were now being unleashed upon Le Mans, and they were pillaging and killing their way through the territory.

But remember, these men were also knights.

So it wasn't all theft and murder.

Chivalry wasn't dead.

So of course, they were kidnapping people for ransom as well, because he gotta pay for all those fancy horses and armor somehow.

Though, this is where the interests of Balem and his men diverged, because while his men were kidnapping people for cash, Balem

had no interest in ever releasing his prisoners.

No matter how much the friends, family, and allies of a prisoner offered for ransom, Balem was simply not in it for the money.

This was a man who was truly passionate about his work.

You couldn't buy him off of it, and he had other plans for those prisoners.

Likely indulging in the personal hobbies that had made him so famous.

Because Orderic tells us that over 300 people died in his dungeons through cold, hunger, and torture.

This rampage didn't go unopposed, though.

Count Hellius was in the field, and he enjoyed a lot of support.

And while he is the hero in Orderic's telling, Hellias was a knight just like the rest of them.

So he, too, was pillaging, killing, and kidnapping his way through the countryside.

Though, in his case, it was the countryside that was under Bolem's control.

So basically, everything was awful.

And during one of these raids, on the 28th of April, Hellius rode out to Bologne and he struck into Robert's lands, raiding and pillaging as usual.

And then on the way back, Hellius decided to drop by his fortress at Danjul.

But apparently, this was just a quick detour and he wasn't all that concerned about security because he sent his main forces back to Bologna while he continued with just a company of seven knights.

And then farther down the road, as they neared a wooded area, area, Hellias and his men saw the telltale signs of an ambush.

Just over there, just behind that dense thicket of bushes and trees were men lying in wait.

Hellius knew that they were watching him and his men, but the count played it very cool, and he continued calmly trotting towards them as if he hadn't seen anything.

Because he had a plan.

He would close the distance and then once he was in range he would launch a cavalry charge and take these bandits by surprise.

Only there weren't bandits in those woods.

No,

there was just a huge company of knights being led personally by Robert of Belem.

And honestly, Belem was having a devil of a time keeping them all quiet and low.

This many men were bound to make noise, and keeping them from fidgeting and grousing was quite the challenge, and he needed them to be quiet.

Because judging by that company's standard over there, the eight men who were approaching them weren't just any random knights.

Somewhere in that group was Count Hellius.

But, as they were on horseback, if they caught wind of the ambush and fled, Robert would have little hope of catching them.

So silence was critical.

And it was working.

The enemy knights were trotting closer

and closer.

And then suddenly, without warning, they broke into a gallop.

Oh God, they'd been spotted.

But rather than running away, these knights were charging directly into the ambush.

What the f ⁇ ?

But Balem wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

And so, as soon as as the small company of eight knights were in range, his army leapt out from their hiding places, and thanks to their overwhelming numbers, they quickly surrounded Hellias and his small band.

The Count, his standard-bearer, and most of his personal guard were taken prisoner by one of the most cruel and vicious lords in all of France.

Now.

One of Hellias' men did manage to escape, or maybe he was allowed to flee.

Honestly, I'm guessing it was the latter since Balem was experienced at wielding terror, and you can't terrorize a population if they don't know what you're doing.

But the lone knight raced to Boulogne, where he caught up with the remainder of Count Hellius' army that had been sent ahead with their booty.

And when this army learned of their count's fate, they were gripped by despair and fear.

Just as Balem wanted.

Meanwhile, Bolem and his company were riding for Rouen to go and meet with King Rufus, because,

well,

while Belem did love his extracurricular activities, and while he was accustomed to ignoring norms, refusing ransom, and meting out his own slow form of capital punishment, the king probably wouldn't take it too kindly if the count met that particular fate without his express permission.

And so the triumphant company rode into Rouen and handed Hellius over to King Rufus, and Rufus put the Count and his men into honorable captivity.

Because for all his faults, Rufus was all about that chivalric life, you know, at least when he was in good spirits.

And news of the capture of Hellius spread like wildfire, and it didn't take long to reach Anjou,

and the hall of Count Fulk the Quarreler.

And the capture of Hellias was a disaster for Fulk.

You see, both Anjou and Normandy wanted control of Maine.

And actually, Hellias' daughter was due to marry Fulk's son, which would all but finalize Angevin dominance in the region.

So everything had been going Fulk's way.

And then this damn fool of a count just went and got himself captured.

And now all of those carefully laid plans went straight to hell.

But Fulk, as his nickname indicates, was no stranger to conflict, and he was quite comfortable being the aggressor.

So, in an effort to stop Normandy from seizing Maine outright, Fulk immediately occupied Le Mans, and he placed his son, Jeffrey, in charge of the city.

Jeffrey, by the way, was the son who was supposed to marry Hellias' daughter.

So yeah, this whole thing, fairy French.

Anyway, so with Volk directly intervening, what had begun as a surprise attack in winter had now, by spring, blossomed into an all-out war against Maine and Anjou involving multiple counts, and there was no guarantee that it wouldn't grow any further than that.

And don't forget, this wasn't King Rufus' only war.

He was also still fighting with a French crown and the heir to the throne over the Vexan as well.

And on top of that, it's not like Rufus was a popular guy.

So look at it from his perspective.

Main was supposed to be a quick detour, a little pillaging and maybe a nicked castle or two.

Not a campaign against both Maine and f ⁇ ing Anjou.

And he couldn't do both.

Experience and training all told him that if he tried to fight both of these wars at the same time, he'd be cooked.

Furthermore, if he picked a course, but it turned out to be an unpopular one, then his vassals might be reluctant to provide troops for the fighting to come.

So, in a weird way, Bolem's miraculous capture of Hellias had really put Rufus in it.

And so, in response, the king did the only sensible thing he could do.

He summoned his barons to Rouen,

and once they were assembled, he presented them with Count Hellius.

And this is basically what he said to them.

So, look, I think we all know that Normandy isn't what it was when my dad was running it.

And I've done my best, but Short Pants has really made a mess of things.

And while I have long wanted to regain the lands that he had lost, I don't want to waste the lives of my countrymen for my own ambitions.

So I've been holding off.

But check this out.

Look at who's a guest in my palace.

Oh, go on, Hellias, give him a wave.

There's a good lad.

So here's the thing.

While I feel like this is a sign from God, and that he's saying we should recover Maine and bring it back under our control, I will not take any action without your advice.

So please, take your time, consult with one another, and let me know what what course you would like me to take.

So suddenly, his wild aggression, which had provoked a widespread war that the Duchy wasn't ready for, had now instead become a divine sign of victory, and his barons had the choice of rejecting God's message or openly supporting this second war.

And Rufus's gamble here worked.

The barons came back to the king and said, quote, O Lord the King, we resolve unanimously that the whole army of Normandy be assembled at your summons, and we will all march with it boldly and cheerfully to reduce the province of Maine, end quote.

And you can see why they picked this course, because essentially, with the capture of Hellias, Maine was seen as the easier campaign, even with Fulk intervening.

And so the fight with the French crown was put on hold, because they were going all in on Maine.

Messengers were dispatched, and in short order, Normans, Flemings, Burgundians, Bretons, and Frenchmen were all mustering to the army of King Rufus.

It took about a month to get everyone together, but by June, we're told that Rufus led his gargantuan army past the Norman border town of Alancon and into Maine.

The nobleman Giles of Sully estimated that the army was 50,000 men in total.

We're told of footmen, knights, crossbowmen, archers, and since Belem was with them, experienced engineers.

The Normans weren't here to pillage, or raid, or make a show of force.

This was an army of conquest, and the Castellans and Barons of Maine, who lay in their path and who were now finding themselves leaderless thanks to Hellius' ill-conceived charge, buckled.

They immediately sought a truce with Rufus, asking for essentially a ceasefire.

You see, they didn't want to surrender, because if they were the first to surrender, that would be a mark of dishonor.

So instead, they just wanted an agreement of truce, where Rufus would pass unimpeded, and they wouldn't fight him, but they also wouldn't have to swear fealty.

At least, not until he was victorious over Le Mans.

Now, to me, that sounds like a surrender, and this is all pretzel logic, but codes of honor often are.

And Rufus accepted the terms because, honestly, they were good terms.

And he continued on his way, where he met Baron after baron, Castellan after Castellan, and each of them insisted, oh no, I'm not surrendering, because that would be too embarrassing.

I'm just looking the other way.

This went on for days until at last the king's army reached the outskirts of Le Mans and Fulk was ready for them.

The city had been garrisoned, the defenses had been reinforced, and lookouts were stationed all around the countryside.

Fulk was an aggressive and experienced commander, so he didn't hide within his walls.

Instead, he gathered his knights and they sallied forth and attacked Rufus and his army directly in the field.

We don't have a detailed account of the fighting that took place, but Orderic tells us that Fulk and his men, quote, maintained an obstinate engagement with the Normans the whole day, many feats of arms being performed on both sides.

For then, renowned champions rejoiced in the opportunity of exhibiting their valor and meriting the praises of their bloody conflicts from their chiefs and comrades.

End quote.

Basically, everyone involved was having a great time.

Now, personally, that sounds brutal and terrifying, but that's why I'm a podcaster and not a medieval knight.

I wouldn't last five minutes as a knight.

Pretty sure my horse would buck me off before I even got to battle.

But for Fulk and Rufus, this was peak, and they were loving every minute of it.

Though, there were worrying signs.

Rufus had intended to march to Le Mans and either take it by storm or link up with the local people of that city and drive Fulk out of there.

After all, Count Fulk the Quarreller had a reputation of being a harsh lord.

So surely, they would prefer the Red King over the punchy count.

Unfortunately, in that day-long battle in the outskirts of Le Mans, two things became immediately clear.

First, the city was well defended, since they could afford to send out a sortie to slow down its advance.

So taking it by storm was not going to be easy.

And second, this sortie included normal citizens, meaning folk had local support.

Damn it.

Well, there's nothing for it.

Rufus would need to position his forces, blockade all paths in and out of the city, and settle down for a long siege.

But if you remember back to our food episodes, winter winter isn't the hungry season.

Spring and summer were.

Because that's when all of your stores from the harvest are running low, but the crop that you planted in spring is still growing.

And it was summer.

And whatever stores of food that the people of Maine had, well, they have brought it all inside Le Mans.

And I'm guessing that the abundance of confidence which had led Rufus to that surprise attack in February was still in effect in the summer.

because despite having a reportedly gigantic army, the king lacked sufficient supplies to keep them fed.

I guess he must have assumed that they were just going to quickly walk into Le Mans and then just get brunch once they were inside the city.

But they were stuck outside of the city.

And so here they were, holding their siege lines and holding their bellies.

But sieges are boring.

And Bologne, the very same fortress that Count Hellius was headed to before he took that ill-fated detour, was just a bit behind them.

And they had not yet surrendered.

So while they were waiting for the people inside the city to starve harder than the people outside of the city were starving, Rufus decided to take a detachment and go pick on Boulogne.

Now, As it happened, the Castellan of Boulogne had some experience in situations like like this in fact he had surrendered his castle to robert shortpants about a decade earlier so he knew exactly what to do in this situation he surrendered to rufus the king then granted the castle to robert of boulem who stationed it with 300 knights and um

i assume they proceeded to do what boulem and his boys tended to do.

Though, at the same time, don't assume that King Rufus' hands were clean here either.

Rufus was wielding hunger and terror as a weapon against the people of Maine as well, treating them, quote, with the greatest severity, subjecting them to the most serious losses, employing a great number of his troops in rooting up their vines and destroying their corn and laying waste the province all around, end quote.

And if you're thinking, wait, you're in the middle of a siege, that feels a bit short-sighted.

You're not alone.

It was, in fact, very short-sighted because they needed those crops and they needed those vines.

And now, hunger was getting so bad that the price of oats, which all of their horses needed, shot through the roof.

We're told that oats were going for 10 pence, which translates in today's money as an absolutely bonkers level of inflation.

But apparently, Sir Stephen going hungry was one thing, and Glitterhoof going hungry was another matter entirely.

Because as soon as the horses started to go hungry, Rufus ordered his men to withdraw the siege and march back to Normandy, where they were to complete the harvest, gather grain, and only then, once Glitterhoof had her oats, would they get back to their job of kicking the hell out of Fulk and all of his stupid friends.

friends?

And once Rufus and his men were across the border and into Normandy, Fulk immediately marched upon Boulogne with a combined army of soldiers from Anjou and Maine, and they laid siege to the castle.

It was time to deal with Balem and his gang.

But the trouble with besieging Balem and his boys is that you're facing off with Balem and his boys.

And they don't don't fight fair.

And one morning, at around 8 a.m., Fulk and his besieging army were having breakfast, and I assume trying to shake off last night's bender.

You know, like civilized men.

When suddenly, the castle gates flung open and the garrison, fully armed and armored, charged directly into the frousy and blurry-eyed knights.

Knights who critically were unarmored and unarmed.

They didn't stand a chance.

And Orderic doesn't detail this fight either.

But in this case, I suspect that's because there wasn't much of one.

I mean, what were they armed with?

Spoons?

Maybe?

And it's not like a tunic is gonna do much to protect you from a friggin' sword.

So they were screwed, and in the end, 140 knights were captured, as well as several high-ranked nobles and, quote, lords of castles who possessed large domains, held a high rank among the barons of their native country, and had under them, by hereditary right, many very valiant knights, end quote.

All while Count Fulk and the remainder of the besieging army fled as fast as their legs and or horses could carry them.

And they left all of their stores and supplies behind.

Which Boulem's men happily collected and took back into their fortress at Boulogne,

you know, along with their prisoners.

A short while later, the standard of William Rufus appeared on the horizon.

You see, word of the siege had actually reached the king, and he had rushed to muster a relieving force and bring them down south to support the garrison.

Which actually makes this an excellent illustration of how long it takes for information to travel in the 11th century and how significant the impact of that delay can be.

Because not only did Rufus and his relieving force arrive late, now that they were in Maine, that meant there were fewer hands in the fields, which was the whole reason that he withdrew his army in the first place.

But, you know, whatever.

He was here now, and so the garrison admitted him into the castle.

And the prisoners, upon realizing that King Rufus was within the walls, all began to scream for help.

Now, Rufus was probably no stranger to how Balem and his fellows behaved, and so he took it in stride, but he did order the prisoners to be unshackled and fed.

The implication being here that, just like earlier, they were intentionally starving the prisoners.

And then, Rufus said that if they would swear peace with him, then they would be free to leave.

Now, hearing this suggestion, the garrison and other courtiers in Boulon absolutely freaked out.

They insisted that oaths or not, they would be facing these knights on the battlefield soon thereafter, which Rufus found intensely offensive.

And he pointed out that knights do not break their word.

Only outlaws do things like that.

Which strikes me as quite the clapback, considering who that comment was aimed at and what what they had been up to.

Though, you can also understand why the garrison had so much confidence when talking to Rufus, because torture wasn't the only thing that they had been doing.

Bolem's men were also the only ones to have found any success in this campaign, having captured Hellias and routed Fulk.

While Rufus' recent military adventures had been little more than a long string of embarrassments.

But, at the end of the day, Rufus was king, and they were not.

So the garrison shut their yaps, and the prisoners were fed, and after taking oaths, departed the castle in peace.

Meanwhile, to the south, Count Fulk and the remainder of his army entered Le Mans,

and while he had been pretty chill about the capture of Count Hellius, when it was his own men who were captured, and not just any men, but high-ranked nobles, men from his own court.

Well, that was different.

Especially since they had been captured by the garrison of Robert of f ⁇ ing Balem.

God knows what horrors they were enduring right now.

And so the move within the city was grim.

And apparently there were members within the clergy of Le Mans who were concerned that Anjou was on the verge of negotiating a peace with Normandy over Maine.

And it would be negotiated without any involvement of, you know, the people of Maine.

So, according to one account, the biographer of the Bishop of Le Mans approached Rufus, presumably while he was encamped at Boulogne, and asked the king to allow Bishop Hildebert and the leading citizens of the city to visit Count Hellius and urge him to surrender Le Mans in exchange for his release.

The thinking being that unless they arranged for his release before any kind of peace was negotiated between Anjou and Normandy, Hellias would likely die in captivity.

And if they had any hope of independence in the future, they would probably want Hellias alive and free.

Now, Hellias at this point was imprisoned at Bayeux.

And given the distances and the speed of travel, if this happened, then it probably took quite some time.

Probably way more time than would be needed for the negotiations.

And interestingly, Orderic doesn't mention the Bishop Hildebert trip to Bayeux at all.

And since it was Hildebert's biographer who placed Hildebert front and center to these events, I get the sense that the account might have spiced things up a little bit to make him a bigger player than what he actually was.

But regardless of how it happened, our sources do agree that the release of Count Hellius and the other prisoners was what the city demanded of Rufus.

And Rufus actually agreed, so long as it was a full prisoner exchange.

He wanted his boys back too.

And he also added that they must also hand over all castles that had been previously held by his father, William the Conqueror, and had since been lost.

They were tough terms, but it wasn't like the war was going all that well, and so they were agreed to.

And the garrison of Le Mans, along with Fulk's forces, marched out of the town, and Rufus' forces immediately entered and took possession of it, quartering the city with over a thousand soldiers and exercising direct authority over the people who lived within it, passing laws, issuing ordinances, the whole shebang.

And once that was done, Rufus returned to Rouen.

Sometime later, Hellius arrived, having been recently released from Bayou.

And Orderic specifically notes how scruffy, unshaven, and dirty he was from his time in captivity.

And you might recall that Rufus initially had placed Hellius in honorable captivity, but the king was nothing if not moody.

And so I suspect that once his quick and glorious seizure of Le Mans turned out to not be quick or glorious at all, well, the nature of Hellius' captivity became somewhat less honorable.

Because Orderic describes Hellias coming in looking like an 11th century Count of Monte Cristo, and not like the bit once he had the treasure, the part before that.

Basically, the guy sounds like he had a rough time in Bayou.

But then, once released, he went straight to Rouen without delay, potentially without even a bath.

And once before Rufus, he proceeded to flatter the king and spoke about how powerful and impressive he was.

And then, you know, asked if he could help him out a little bit.

He said that he had been called count for many years now, having acquired the title through hereditary right, and he had only lost that title and his lands due to bad luck.

So, please, your highness, welcome me into your court with my proper rank, and I'll prove myself.

You don't have have to give me Le Mans or any other castle unless I've earned it.

But let me do service and earn your favor, your wonderful, impressive, magnanimous majesty.

Just big Marco Rubio energy here.

And Rufus was initially swayed by all the flattery and promises of further subservience.

But then Earl Robert of Melant leaned over to the king and said, Dude, come on.

These guys are shady as hell.

We all know this.

The people of Maine are faithless, deceitful, and cunning.

And I know a fink when I see one, Your Highness.

And this guy is a fing fink.

Mark my words.

If you let him into court, he'll pretend to be your friend for a while, but only so he can prepare a rebellion against you.

And Rufus listened to this and was all, oh damn.

You know, he does look like a fink, doesn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're a shifty little weirdo, aren't you, Hellias?

Helius, for his part, took a deep breath and tried once more to appeal to reason with Rufus.

Basically saying, dude, I am literally offering to serve in your court.

I'm offering to be on Team Rufus.

And I'm not asking for anything more than just my title.

It's a good deal, and I'll be loyal.

I'll swear oaths and everything.

And Rufus was all, yeah, that's exactly what a fink would say, though, isn't it?

And Hellias, realizing how stupid and pointless this all was, snapped and said, all right, fine.

You know what?

If you had taken my offer, I would have served you faithfully.

But instead, you decided to talk shit about my countrymen and call me shifty.

So fine, fine.

You've chosen your course here, but don't come crying to me when I look after my own needs and pursue my rights.

Because I am being deprived of justice, my inheritance, and my goddamn lands.

So don't be shocked if I come back and take my father's lands back.

At which point, the Red King completely lost his temper and shouted back, well stop talking and do it then.

Let's see how it goes for you.

Fink.

And after that bit of playground diplomacy, Hellias decided he better beat a hasty retreat back to Maine.

And yeah, I would too after that exchange.

Once he returned to his lands, and to the the lands of his wife, Hellius was greeted with an enormous amount of enthusiasm and joy.

Rufus might hold Le Mans, and he might have scared away Count Fulk of Anjou, but the people of Maine still had their champion.

And apparently, they were still willing to fight for him, because Hellias proceeded to garrison and fortify five of his castles La Flechie, Chateau de Loire, Mayette, Lus Le Grande, and Outilli.

We'll see who the fink is now, asshole.

And that's where we'll leave Maine, at least for the moment.

Meanwhile, back in England, things were coming under strain.

You see, Wales was...

Well, we're going to have to talk about Wales next time because it's a lot.

But suffice to say, Wales was a lot for this regime to handle, and some might say it was too much for them to handle.

But on top of all of that, there were also financial issues.

You might recall that before Rufus had left for the continent, he had ordered the reconstruction of London Bridge, the expansion of the Tower of London, and the brand new construction of Westminster Hall.

While supervising all of that was King Rufus' trusted minister and advisor, Ranulf Flambard.

And actually, Ranulf had been involved in pretty much every domestic policy that Rufus had implemented since the death of Landfrank.

You know those taxes?

It's Ranolph.

The land seizures?

Ranulf.

Directly f ⁇ ing with Canterbury?

Ranolph.

And as for all that simony that Anselm was complaining to the Pope about,

well, it turns out, a huge chunk of that was just Ranulph.

It's also very likely that Ranolph was involved in those failed campaigns into Wales during the tenure of the Regency Council.

And Orderic says that lately he had been planning on doing another survey of England, basically a whole new doomsday book, because Ranolph wanted to tax the English even more.

It's hard to overstate the involvement and power of Ranolph, and he was getting incredibly rich off the gig.

Now, obviously, he was getting all kinds of juicy government handouts thanks to his close proximity to Rufus.

But at the end of the day, that was just his day job.

Reportedly, Ranolph also had a side business where he was embezzling the hell out of the treasury.

Now, it's not clear whether or not Rufus knew what Ranulf was up to.

But Rufus being wise to it or not, the fact remains that during the period where the king's chief advisor was supposed to be replenishing state coffers and enhancing governmental efficiency, Ranolph was instead cheaping out on things and pocketing the cash for himself.

Take Rufus's signature construction project as an example.

Rufus had wanted Westminster Hall to be the largest and grandest hall in all of Europe.

And Ranolph had been tasked with getting that job done.

And uh,

well,

the buttresses around the side walls ended up being four feet out of phase.

And the stonework was slipshod.

And the roof, well, that ended up having to be replaced by King Richard II.

Westminster Hall is a beautiful building, but you take a close look at it, and you can see that Ranolph was cutting corners, or at least cutting experts.

And keep in mind that the construction was being carried out through conscription and forced labor, which means this was already pretty cheap as far as the crown was considered.

But, you know, money is one hell of a drug, and Ranoff was grabbing big handfuls of it.

And just imagine how you would feel if the head of your government ceded power to some random third party who then used that power to line his pockets.

And now imagine that instead of that lasting for about six months, this guy instead had been doing it for years.

So yeah, people were getting mad.

Really mad.

But curiously, the Tower of London doesn't appear to have had the same construction problems that Ranolph's other projects did.

I'm not sure why.

Maybe Jeffrey de Madville, who was charged with the care of the castle, was keeping too close of an eye on him.

Whatever it was, though, the tower project was well constructed, which Ranulf would probably regret later on.

Because while the tower wasn't constructed to be used as a prison, it would be

very soon.

But Ranulf wasn't concerned about that at all.

I mean, he had the money, he had the power, and he had the king's ear, and nothing, absolutely nothing, was ever going to change that.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, you can reach me at thebritishhistorypodcast at gmail.com.

You can also join us on Reddit, and you can find links to that community and all the other sites in the community section of thebritishhistorypodcast.com.

Thanks for listening.

You can't tell me shit.

You can't tell me shit.

What I want, I get.