450 – Begin With A Bang

Welcome to the British History Podcast.

My name is Jamie, and this is episode 450.

Begin with a bang.

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It was early September of 1087.

And for weeks, nearly two months, in fact, people had been discussing William's impending death and were worrying about what would happen next.

And for good reason.

This family, which ruled over Normandy, had a history of infighting and civil wars, especially during times of succession.

The wars, the chaos, and the bloodshed that had followed the last Norman succession was still in living memory.

And in preparation for this next succession crisis, there had already been at least one civil war, and possibly two, as there are records suggesting that Robert and William had renewed their feud in 1086 or 1087.

Even worse, William's presumptive heirs were bitter rivals who hated each other and had been gathering allies to support their individual ambitions.

It would have been clear to pretty much everyone what was likely to happen once the bastard was dead.

And then

it happened.

William died.

And in response, his sons, who would have been expected to fill this power vacuum, went AFK.

The eldest son, Robert, wasn't even in Normandy.

He was in the court of King Philip of France.

Similarly, the middle son, Rufus, was also out of town, having left the duchy for England while dear old dad was still breathing.

And as for the youngest, Henry?

Well, no one was entirely sure where he was, because upon hearing his inheritance would just be some cash from his mom, he ran to the treasury, grabbed 5,000 pounds, and disappeared along with his boys.

So the bastard's heirs, who should have been stabilizing the situation and projecting confidence, were nowhere to be seen.

And the rest of the Norman nobility weren't exactly reassuring their subjects and ensuring an orderly transition.

No,

they were hauling ass to their own estates, locking up their possessions, and preparing for violence, either to defend against it or to inflict it upon one of their rivals.

Now, it took less than a day for news of William's death to reach Rouen.

And when the everyday common folk of the city heard of the death of the bastard and heard of how the princes weren't even in the duchy and how the nobility who were in Normandy were arming up and preparing for war, well,

they panicked.

And I would have too.

Rouen was the center of Norman political life.

So if there was a civil war, and it very much looked like there would be, it was probably going to go through Rwon.

And honestly, that was a problem that was still far on the horizon, since it would take time to assemble armies and then find another army to fight.

But banjry, now that didn't require a lot of planning, nor did it require an army.

It could happen really fast, because pretty much anyone could do it so long as there was no orderly authority to stand in their way.

And this was Normandy.

So there were plenty of knights looking to behave in, you know, a knightly fashion.

There were also plenty of folks who might not have been born into the right family, but still would like to make money in that knightly fashion.

So this was bad, and pretty much everyone knew it.

Consequently, as soon as someone learned that William was dead, we're told that they, quote, ran to confer with his wife or the first friend or acquaintance he met as to what was to be done, end quote.

And I absolutely believe that's what happened.

In moments of crisis, we often turn to our community to make a plan.

And the death of an autocrat in a society like Normandy was definitely a crisis.

And sizing up the danger, the common folk decided that they should do exactly what the nobility were doing.

Some took to stealing and pillaging, just like their noble leaders, and the rest grabbed as many valuables as they could carry and fled.

They headed anywhere remote enough where they could hide and weather the coming storm.

And whatever they couldn't carry, they tried to conceal or bury.

You know how every now and then someone playing around with a metal detector on a weekend strikes it rich by finding a hole in the ground that's stuffed with ancient coins or jewelry?

Well, many times what they're finding is a stash of valuables that someone hid away during an event just like this.

And they never came back to get it.

So the people of Rouen were suddenly like squirrels before winter, stuffing their pockets with everything they could and burying the rest.

And Orderic found this to be absolutely unsightly.

He tells us that the people of Rouen had, quote, lost their reason as if they had been intoxicated, end quote.

Because apparently, Orderic felt the commoners should stand their ground, make no provisions for safety, and accept their fate.

The nobles, on the other hand, who literally abandoned William's body in their rush to protect their valuables, I guess they were different.

But speaking of William's body, it was still there.

It was also still stripped naked, and it was starting to ripen.

And given how long it had taken for William to die, and the fact that he had died from a gut injury, I'm guessing that the bastard wasn't exactly lemony fresh to begin with.

Making matters worse, the weather in 1087 was unseasonably hot.

So the conqueror wasn't just dead, bloating, and decaying.

He was also kind of roasting.

What I'm getting at is that Saint-Gervais probably smelled as bad as Oregon did that one time we decided to dynamite a dead whale on the beach.

And that really happened, by the way.

You can look it up.

And the explosion and resulting smell was reportedly historic.

But my point is that nature reclaims us all in the same way, and it doesn't stop for our delicate senses.

And that stench from William's body was growing, which actually was a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, everyone really wanted this problem to be solved and for the stink to go away.

But on the other hand, no one wanted to get anywhere near the source of said aroma.

And so while it was generally agreed upon that someone should deal with this, it was also agreed that that someone should be someone else.

So the conqueror continued to roast in his own juices.

Meanwhile, William Rufus was in England bearing a letter for Archbishop Lanfrank.

The letter contained instructions for the Archbishop telling him that Rufus was to be the next king of England.

And I can't overstate how important that letter was for Rufus.

Because here's the thing about kings of England.

You couldn't be one without a coronation and the special combination of blessings and rites that came with it.

And it was the Archbishop of Canterbury who was the guy in charge of all of that.

So if he refused to do it, well, then you really weren't a lawful king, were you?

So Rufus needed Lanfrank to go along with the bastard's wishes and crown him.

And that's actually a complicated issue here because it's likely that Lanfrank was governing England on William's behalf at this point.

And there are two reasons why this is suspected.

First, William didn't send for Landfrank while he was on his deathbed, while he did send for a bunch of other highly ranked church figures.

That absence is odd, and it could indicate that William didn't feel safe pulling Lanfrank out of England.

Second, the list of people that William trusted to govern England on his behalf was vanishingly small.

And all of them were currently on the continent.

All of them, except for Landfrank.

So not only did Rufus have to convince Landfrank to carry out the ritual, he needed to convince the old priest to basically give himself a demotion, which, depending on your reading of recent events, may have been the exact opposite of the wishes of Pope Gregory VII.

So this was a big ask, and it looks like Rufus knew that, and he was doing a little preparation.

Because according to Malmesbury and Worcester, he didn't go straight to the ecclesiastical seat of England, Canterbury, you know, to meet with a primate and discuss this matter.

No, instead, Rufus went to the political seat of England, Winchester.

And he didn't go alone.

With him were his inner circle of companions, various officials and servants, and also a few English prisoners that his father had pardoned on his deathbed, including Earl Morcar and Wolfnoth, Harold Godwinson's baby brother.

The king had ordered them freed, and so Rufus was carrying out his father's wishes, but he was also keeping them close.

And so here they were, all of them, in Winchester, and Rufus began to make his preparations.

Back in Normandy, Orderic tells us that some clergy and monks had finally managed to gather their courage and, intent on rectifying the situation, headed to Saint-Gervais.

Now we're told that they were adorned in sacred vestments and crosses, which, given the circumstances, you'd expect.

And it definitely would have given the assembly a bit of gravitas when they arrived at the community.

But I'm guessing that once they actually opened the doors and entered the rank chambers, the real MVPs of this procession were their incense burners.

And there, cloaked in a mix of incense and death, they conducted the holy rites and rituals intended to commit William's soul to God.

But while William's soul had apparently left the building, his body stayed right where it was.

And it was starting to get pretty gross.

So, Archbishop William of Rouen ordered that the conqueror's corpse should be taken to Cannes for a funeral.

Now, I imagine that when the Archbishop gave this order, he had assumed that there would be family or friends or loved ones who would step in and handle it.

Or, you know, at the very least, some servants.

I mean, you'd have to be a real bastard to not have a single person willing to be your pallbearer.

Could you imagine the sort of person who was so awful that no one who knew him would even be willing to chip in for a dignified burial?

What kind of person would that be?

Well, funny story.

William was that kind of person.

His kids were nowhere to be seen.

His half-brothers weren't around.

His friends, if he had any, were long gone.

His servants had bailed long ago, though not before reportedly nicking everything that wasn't nailed down, possibly even William's knickers.

And as for the clergy, the monks, and the archbishop, Well, they definitely felt like someone should handle the funerary arrangements and the body transport, but they were also quite certain that that should be done by someone else.

So William stayed right where he was.

And while Orderic does mention that the monks and clergy conducted various rites and that they made sure that they were appropriately dressed for the occasion, he doesn't say anything about whether the monks dressed the reportedly stripped and abandoned corpse of William.

Furthermore, Considering that the attendants had also apparently stripped the room of furniture, I'm going to guess that unless Brother Jean-Luc brought in a cot, the conqueror was still splayed out for all the world to see on a bare floor.

And no one, not friends, not family, not servants, not vassals, no one was coming to claim the body.

The whole thing was pathetic and probably a violation of at least a dozen modern health codes.

But at the same time, I'm guessing the people of Saint-Gervais got to know William a little bit over the course of his month or so stay.

Because even though his corpse was ruining the rustic aesthetic of the monastery, they still weren't willing to do anything to give him a little dignity.

Not a single penny.

Not a single lifted finger.

Sure, he was probably stinking the place up, and sure, this was unsanitary to say the least.

But it appears that the general opinion of the community was that the rotting bastard was on his own.

No pro bono work for this guy.

And watching this was a country knight named Herr Luin.

And this scene was just becoming too depressing for him to handle.

No friends, no family, not even servants or churchmen bound by duty and compassion were stepping in.

It's just sad.

And so he said, I'm assuming, something along the lines of, you know, screw it.

I'll take charge of the body.

I'll make sure to have a move to Cannes at my own expense.

And so Herr Luin hired embalmers to prepare Williams' corpse, and he hired transportation to carry the body to the Seine, and hired a ship to ferry it down to Caen.

Now, I have to imagine that this entire endeavor was pretty expensive.

And based on the accounts, no one was willing to chip in and help.

It was just this poor country knight, who, given his position, I don't imagine was rolling in dough.

As such, I'm guessing the embalming services that he could afford were a bit off-brand.

Possibly just a guy who said, sure, I'll do it.

I mean, how hard can it be?

And as for the transportation, it was probably less of a procession and more of an economy-class shipping container.

But beggars can't be choosers, and William at this point was definitely a beggar.

And so, thanks to the pity of a random country knight, he was finally on his last march.

Back in Winchester, Rufus, who had received word of his father's death, was hard at work preparing for what came next.

With the the death of the conqueror came the end of his rule.

So, as far as Rufus was concerned, those pardons that had been issued by his father were now null and void.

If any pardons were going to be carried out, they would be carried out on his commands, not on the orders of some dead guy back in Normandy.

So the prisoners, including Morcar and Wulfnoth, were promptly rearrested and imprisoned, quite possibly in the very same jail that had held Earl Waltheoff in the weeks before his execution.

Now Wolfnoth at this point had spent pretty much his entire life imprisoned in one way or another.

He'd been a political hostage held by Edward the Confessor starting in 1051 when he was about 11 years old.

A year or two later he was taken to Normandy by Edward's Norman allies, probably Robert of Jumiège.

And since then, he had been held by the Normans ever since.

Meaning, he had been imprisoned by the Normans for about 36 years by this point.

And recently, the poor man who was now pushing 50 had been told he was finally being released, only to have Rufus immediately imprison him once more.

I really feel for Wolfnoth.

Now, Rufus probably did this because he realized that his claim to the throne of England was not exactly reliable.

His father had stolen that throne, and while William had written a nice letter to Landfrank saying that Rufus was to be the next king, it was far from guaranteed that Landfrank would actually carry out those wishes.

Nor was it guaranteed that the English would accept Rufus.

And if Wulfnoth was free, he would be the natural opposition candidate for the throne.

And he'd have a claim that was at least as valid as Rufus's.

So yeah, as awful as it is, I'm not at all surprised that he chucked poor old Wulfnoth right back in prison.

But that wasn't the only thing that Rufus was doing in Winchester.

According to Malmsbury, he was also securing the royal treasury.

And this, Malmsbury assures us, was absolutely critical for his campaign to claim the throne, as it placed the kingdom's wealth in his hands and not in the hands of Landfrank.

But remember, Winchester was a major hub of royal authority and administration.

So securing the treasury and even imprisoning the very briefly pardoned English nobles would have required the support of the officers and authorities of Winchester.

At the very least, the sheriff and the treasury officials would have to be on board for this.

And we're not told how Rufus pulled this off.

But thanks to hints in the record regarding Rufus' later actions, it seems likely that he promised to provide the officials with some of his father's treasure.

But those treasures would only be handed over after Rufus was successfully crowned as king.

Meanwhile, the ship carrying William's corpse arrived in Caen.

It was then turned over to the care of Abbot Gilbert and his monks.

Word had spread of the arrival of the conqueror's body, so a crowd of local townfolk and officials had also gathered at the banks to watch.

Under the direction of the monks, William's body was loaded into a carriage for transport to the church for a funeral.

Now, something to understand about this moment is that William had a history in this city.

The people here knew him.

They knew the kind of things he did.

They knew the kind of policies he enacted.

And not in the abstract, many of their lives had changed thanks to this guy and his rule.

And it wasn't always for the better.

And as that somber procession carrying William's body to the church moved through the city, a sudden fire broke out, quote, shooting up prodigious volumes of flame, end quote.

It spread quickly to other buildings, and soon a large portion of Khan was engulfed.

Now, fires do happen, and this may have just been a coincidence.

But this was also William and the Normans.

And they were the sort of folks who celebrated his Christmas coronation by burning down London.

And as I mentioned earlier, not everyone in the city was a fan of William, and not everyone in Caen wanted him to be buried there.

At least a few people would have much rather if he stayed in Saint-Gervais to rot.

But whether this was an act of political sabotage intended to stomp on William's funeral, or whether it was a coincidence, or whether it was some sort of divine protest, once that fire caught on, it was an emergency, and everyone abandoned the funeral procession and rushed to deal with the flames.

Everyone, except for the monks, who continued chanting psalms as they conveyed William's corpse to the church, while Khan burned around them.

Back in England, Rufus was finally ready to meet with Lanfrank.

Now, unfortunately, we're not told the specific date of this meeting.

But Edmur writes that Lanfrank was shocked to learn of William's death, so it was probably relatively soon after Rufus' arrival in England.

Now, the fact that William's death preceded the delivery of the letter to the Archbishop actually put Lanfrank in an odd position.

Because while Rufus was carrying a letter ordering his coronation, it was ultimately the mandate of a dead man.

And that's unusual.

Also, the whole thing probably looked a bit shady when he realized that this letter would give Rufus total power in England, and the only proof that the letter was valid was the seal and Rufus's promise that, bro, just trust me.

Add to that the fact that primogeniture was increasingly being normalized, and that suggested that titles should go to the eldest, which would have been Robert, not Rufus.

Oh, and speaking of Robert, he was the designated Duke of Normandy.

So if England went to Rufus and Normandy went to Robert, the empire would be broken.

And that meant a loss of power in general, but it also meant a lot of headaches for the Normans who held properties on both sides of the channel.

Moreover, Rufus hadn't actually spent much time in England, so it's highly unlikely that he had a base of supporters there that he could call upon if he wanted to take the kingdom by force.

And the retinue that he had with him at this point certainly wasn't going to cut it.

Consequently, it really was coming down to whether or not Lanfrank backed his play.

So, this was a big deal, and you can see why Edmer reports that Landfrank was hesitant to crown Rufus immediately.

I mean, it might make a lot more sense to wait rather than rushing to judgment.

That would give the old priest time to make sure that the letter was valid.

He could also check the temperature of England and see if this ginger would actually even be accepted as king, fancy oil ceremony or not.

If Landfrank could get enough breathing room, he could also see what the Norman Barons had to say about this.

Because if he played this wrong, they could very well find themselves at war with Duke Robert and the Norman Barons.

So this situation called for prudence and careful deliberation.

On the other hand, if Landfrank acted decisively and he boldly supported this younger son of the conqueror, crowning him king, you'd have a king that felt indebted to Landfrank and more importantly, indebted to the church.

potentially even seeing his role as subordinate to the church since it was Landfrank who made this all possible.

And I know what you're thinking.

That this is pretty much what Pope Gregory thought when he was dealing with William the Conqueror.

And look where that got him.

Back in Caen, the fires were eventually put out and the funeral was ready to proceed.

Now Orderick gives us a partial list of the various bishops and officials who arrived to attend William's funeral.

It's quite the list and it includes some of William's trusted commanders, like Geoffrey of Coutons.

It also includes, I kid you not, Bishop Odo.

And I kind of suspect that William's half-brother was just attending to make sure that the bastard was really dead.

But in this list, we also see Anselm of Beck, Archbishop William, Gilbert of Vervreux, and a bunch of other influential ecclesiastical figures.

In fact, Orderic provides us a long and boring list that just goes on for ages.

But eventually he does stop and he writes that they were joined by, quote, many more whom it would be tedious to enumerate, end quote.

I love Orderic.

I also love the fact that no one was willing to pony up and do the unglamorous work of actually getting the corpse to Khan.

But now that it was here and there was going to be a big fancy gathering, well, Apparently, a ton of religious figures were making a beeline to be seen in attendance.

And given the size of this assembly, I'm guessing it took a bit of time to get everyone together.

But no worries.

Even if there were some delays on the service, it wouldn't be too big of a deal because that very kind and likely rather poor country knight had William's body embalmed.

So I'm sure everything will be fine.

Once everyone was together, they finally held the funeral for the former King of England and Duke of Normandy.

Afterwards, they planned to bury William within the sanctuary sanctuary of the church, between the choir and the altar.

And I find that actually kind of funny because this guy, even though he was in terrible pain and dying, had insisted on being taken out to the country because Rouen was just too damn loud for him.

So I'm sure he's going to love spending eternity in the noisiest spot of the church.

Anyway, it seems like it did actually take a while to get everything together for this funeral because the coffin had already been lured into place before the funeral even began.

And so they just left William's body on the bier until the Mass was concluded.

This obviously wasn't following the norm for funerals, but then again, William was a Norman known for not following norms.

As the funeral went on, we're told that Bishop Gilbert of Evreux gave a spirited and tearful eulogy, speaking positively about his numerous wars and his ruthless form of justice.

And he ended it by saying, quote, As in this present life no man can live with sin, I beseech you for the love of Christ that you earnestly intercede with Almighty God on behalf of our deceased prince, and that you kindly forgive him if and not he has offended against you, end quote.

Basically, look guys, he's dead and is about to face judgment.

And sure, you might hate him after all he's done to you, but you don't want to get in the way of William getting into heaven by bringing up old sh ⁇ .

Just tell Big Jay to let him in and keep it chill, you know.

Now this, it turned out, did not have the intended effect.

A loud voice rang out from the crowd and basically said, I am not about to be chill, bro.

Pushing through the crowd and marching right up to the bishop was Ascalin, the son of Arthur.

And William had taken the lands of his father and thus from him and built an abbey on them.

And not just any abbey, this abbey.

And according to Orderic, he stared down the bishop and said, This:

The land on which you stand was the yard belonging to my father's house, which that man for whom you pray, when he was yet only Duke of Normandy, took forcible possession of, and in the teeth of all justice, by an exercise of tyrannical power, here founded this abbey.

I therefore lay claim to this land and openly demand its restitution.

And in God's name, I forbid the body of the spoiler being covered with earth, which is my property and buried in my inheritance.

⁇

Ascalin was not having it.

And the assembled bishops and other high-ranked figures pushed back and basically accused Ascalin of being full of it.

But Ascalin wasn't the only local in attendance.

A bunch of his neighbors were there as well, and they provided confirmation.

I assume by yelling across the church that, yeah, William did steal his lands.

And so Orderic writes that the bishops pulled Ascalin aside, probably because they realized that this funeral was getting way out of hand.

And he adds, with some degree of admiration, that the bishops didn't do any violence upon Ascalin, which is just a damning bit of praise for the 11th century church.

And so, rather than beating this guy's ass for telling the truth, which probably would have resulted in a counter-ass beating from Ascalin's neighbors, the churchmen decided to try and work work out how much they'd need to pay him to smooth it all over and make this go away.

And remember, the funeral was not actually finished.

And this entire time, William was fermenting on that beer, still waiting to be buried.

But that didn't stop this collection of dusty old monks and priests from haggling with one of William's victims like the funeral was a knockoff Rolex at a night market.

They were seriously arguing with a guy on how much they should have to pay.

And here's the thing thing about Ascalin.

While he clearly had a lot of leverage here and had a completely understandable beef, his demand was actually very restrained.

He didn't insist that the abbey be transferred over to him or that he be given restitution for all the lands that had been stolen by William and given to the monks.

He wasn't looking to bankrupt and evict holy men.

Ascalin simply didn't want this man to get a free burial on his land.

William would have to pay for that land, or at least someone would have to.

And given that they were merely talking about enough land to simply bury a king, not feed a family, it was agreed upon that 60 shillings should just about do it.

Now, obviously, William wasn't going to pay it.

He was dead, and if he had any pocket change on him, then he wouldn't have had to rely on that country knight for his embalming and transport.

Oh, and speaking of that embalming, it was starting to become obvious that whatever Herr Louine's embalming guy did was not enough because William was pretty swollen.

So this needed to be handled and quickly.

So the assembled churchmen gathered up the sum of 60 shillings, which would have been like pocket change for many of them, and they paid Ascalin his fee.

And finally, they could lower the conqueror down into his coffin.

But as his body reached the stone coffin, it became quite clear that there was a problem here.

He didn't fit.

Now, Orderic tells us that the Masons had made the coffin too short, but I think he was being polite here, or maybe just confused, because he then adds that the main problem was that William was, quote, very corpulent, end quote.

William was a big fella by the end of his life, and the way that his body had been handled following his death had only added to the biological volume of this situation.

It wasn't the length of the coffin that presented the real issue here, it was the width.

And now, he was down in that hole, resting against the stone lining of a coffin like an already popped wine cork.

And it was pretty clear that he wasn't just gonna slide in.

But at the same time, I'm guessing that no one wanted to drag him out of there, pay Askalin for another larger plot of land, and then wait for God knows how much longer for the stonemasons to carve them a new XL coffin.

And so, like Erluwin and I assume his embalming guy, they decided to just make do with what they had.

Though, in the process of this, quote, they were obliged to use some violence in forcing it in, end quote.

Now, we're not told what they did, but that description makes me think that it involved literally jumping on William to try and wedge him in there.

And as they were either poking him with sticks or jumping up and down, the abbey, meanwhile, was being being absolutely covered in incense burners and other aromatics that were billowing out clouds of smoke in an effort to camouflage the olfactory horror that was seeping from the gelatinous king that was being kneaded into his final resting place.

But the problem here is that no amount of shoving and jumping is going to change the fact that William was just too big for this coffin.

You can't pour a pint into a teacup no matter how aggressively you try.

You just end up spilling the beer.

And that's kind of what happened.

The pressure inside William built well past the point that his rotting skid can handle, and he popped like a shaken bottle of sparkling French wine or a giant pimple.

Quote, the bowels burst, and an intolerable stench affected the bystanders and the rest of the crowd.

The smoke of incense and other aromatics ascended in clouds, but failed to purify the tainted atmosphere.

End quote.

In horror, the priests quickly finished the funerary rites, probably just shouting, Amen, in between wretches, before fleeing the church, quote, as soon as possible in great alarm, end quote.

And yeah, I think Orderic is underselling it here.

If I was at that funeral, I don't think I'd ever recover.

But at last, it was done.

The body of William the Conqueror was at rest.

Goddamn.

Back in England, Landfrank had made up his mind.

He was going to crown Rufus.

And granted, he knew Rufus better than most.

He was his tutor after all.

But Landfrank believed that he'd be able to manage him, guide him, mold him.

Because, no, no, I can fix him, has never ended badly for anyone.

And so, on September 26th of 1087, about a fortnight after Rufus first arrived in England, he was crowned as King William Rufus II.

And he,

well, he was just a whole new kind of vibe.

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