The Blue Wave, The Big Tantrum & The BBC - It's Bugle 4360!

Speaker 1 The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4360 of The Bugle, the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world.

Speaker 1 Now well into its second 18 years worth of remorselessly unbiased dereportage on the shillings and shallings of planet Earth and its current species in charge.

Speaker 1 I'm joined by two people, both of whom I first met when they were not yet 18 years old. So younger than the Bugle is now.
Literally a millennium ago in both cases. Joining us from Glasgow.

Speaker 1 Someone I was defeated by in a competition in 1999 when she was 17, I think. Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm not referring to the Say You Think Your Funny final, one by the Bugle's David O'Dochty.

Speaker 1 I'm referring to the 1999 New Assassin of the Year Award who was pretty close, but I've never been very good at a clean-up phase. It's Josie Long.
Hello Josie.

Speaker 2 Hello and I'm still using the same bowie knife.

Speaker 1 There we go.

Speaker 1 How's Glasgow?

Speaker 2 It's lovely. It's a beautiful sunny day up here and very warm so I'm sure that's nothing to worry about or dwell on.

Speaker 1 Well, to provide balance, it's pissing with rain on the roof of the shed and elsewhere in London.

Speaker 2 That can't be that warm

Speaker 1 Also, joining us, someone I met when I was defeated in a competition in 1980.

Speaker 1 That competition being the youngest member of the Zoltzmann family competition that I had won for five and a half consecutive years before that. It's the quibbling sibling, Helen Zaltzman.

Speaker 1 Hello, Helen. You know, Andy, there are ways for you to reinstate your status as the youngest sibling.

Speaker 1 Maybe you could borrow Josie's nice well, maybe

Speaker 1 exactly. Josie's hard-won assassin skills.

Speaker 1 Helen, you are in

Speaker 1 Vancouver.

Speaker 1 What's, I mean, it's quite early in the morning. I realise I've made you get up at an anti-socially

Speaker 1 early time.

Speaker 1 How's Vancouver doing? Yeah, it's 7 a.m., so other people will be like, that's just a normal time to be up. But not for people like us, Andy, that like to work after midnight.
It's unconscionable.

Speaker 2 It's disgusting.

Speaker 2 My children persist in waking up at six in the morning, and

Speaker 2 I am starting to doubt that they're my children

Speaker 2 like I was there at the birth but I was a bit tired they could have swapped them

Speaker 1 and we are recording on the 10th of November 2025 on this day in 1889

Speaker 1 people began tearing down the Berlin Wall

Speaker 1 presaging an era of global happiness, cooperation, mutually assured harmony, unified striving for the betterment of all humanity and unremittingly unburstable peace that has continued unbroken to this day.

Speaker 1 It was

Speaker 1 a turning point in human history, that classic war-based dispute, the one up with no planning permission, that's why they had to take it down on this day in 1989. And on the 11th of November 1880,

Speaker 1 Australian outlaw, cheeky little larikin, murderer, buckethead pioneer and metal clothing fashion icon Ned Kelly was hanged at Melbourne Jail.

Speaker 1 And what better way to commemorate the anniversary of his passing than by coming to see my show just a mile away from where Kelly was judiciously clogpopped Bugle Live on the 22nd of December?

Speaker 1 The Zalt guys on the 23rd of the Comics Lounge in Melbourne, literally one mile away from old Melbourne Jail.

Speaker 2 It's what he would have wanted.

Speaker 1 It is very much what he would have wanted.

Speaker 1 Always be selling.

Speaker 1 As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

Speaker 1 This week, well, it's almost mid-November, so we have a Christmas gift section for you, the Bugle Christmas gifts of the year in various categories.

Speaker 1 In the toys and recreation category, the Whaler Swift Action Doll, the must-have toy for the special person in your life who is A, a Swifty, and B, a fan of commercial whaling.

Speaker 1 Featuring a doll that actually looks just enough like Swift to be vaguely plausible.

Speaker 1 Wearing an oilskin bodysuit and armed with a harpoon, the Whaler Swift doll accessorizes perfectly with most household aquariums. Microwale sold separately.
In the well-being category,

Speaker 1 our Christmas gift of the year is the Optimismatech News Improver. Are you worn down by news? Make your everyday life lighter and less aggravational with the Optimismatech News Improver.

Speaker 1 Simply apply the ONI to all sources of news, your television, your radio, your mobile phone, your computer, to rid your mornings, noons, and nights and the bits in between of the latest local, national, and global distressments.

Speaker 1 The Optimismatech news improver is modelled on the traditional sledgehammer, but is slightly bigger.

Speaker 1 And it also comes with a free dustban and brush for sweeping up the remnants of your shattered devices, plus a built-in flamethrower in case you're still a Luddite who gets an actual physical newspaper.

Speaker 1 Warning, flamethrower may cause fire. Do not use indoors or outdoors.

Speaker 1 The Optimismatech news improver has the added benefit not only of removing news from your daily schedule, but also helping build up your core torso musculature.

Speaker 1 And finally, in the money-saving category, the Frugalix bottomless shopping basket Help control your in-store spending.

Speaker 1 With Frugalix's latest money-saving device, the bottomless shopping basket, those costly foodstuffs and drink stuff simply fall to the floor as you make your way around the shop, leaving you with nothing to pay for when you get to the checkout, warning you may be held financially responsible for broken jars, squished fruits, and splattered juice gardens.

Speaker 1 Consult a lawyer before actual usage. And in the entertainment category, tickets to my forthcoming shows in Austra.

Speaker 1 What greater Christmas present could there be than tickets to see the Zoltgeist in Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, and/or Sydney, and Bugle live shows in Brisbane and Melbourne.

Speaker 1 Details at my website, andyzoltzman.co.uk, and my UK tour, which recommences at the end of January.

Speaker 1 That's the Christmas gift of the year, unquestionably.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm going to get you. Thanks very much.

Speaker 1 Ticket sales are ticket sale. You actually have to turn up.

Speaker 1 top story this week, something has happened in American politics that isn't cataclysmically depressing.

Speaker 1 A so-called blue wave has happened in America with Democratic victories in various elections, most notably Zoran Mandani becoming winning the New York Merrill election.

Speaker 1 I know both of you are not huge fans of Donald Trump as president.

Speaker 1 I guess it's still a bit early to tell, just you know, one full term and heading towards a quarter of a second term in. So let's give him time.

Speaker 1 Give a kid a chance.

Speaker 1 These were some quite striking results, Josie.

Speaker 2 Oh, listen,

Speaker 2 I'm thrilled to have elected...

Speaker 2 I presume I helped.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 I helped elect Zaram Mamdani and he is, I think,

Speaker 2 also my mayor

Speaker 2 as well. I think that's how it works.
I want that to be how it works. I will not hear different as to how it works.
As a socialist,

Speaker 2 you really have to enjoy any win you get.

Speaker 2 Globally,

Speaker 2 it's an internationalist movement largely because there's a lot of losses being on this team, you know.

Speaker 2 Even when you think you've won, the Americans are so good at coming in and just making sure you don't, you know?

Speaker 2 And so, to have a socialist elected in New York City, listen, if they can make it there,

Speaker 2 they'll make it anywhere, as the song goes.

Speaker 2 I've been thrilled. It's wonderful.
It's like Christmas. It's glorious.
It is so exciting to me. I enjoyed the entire mayoral race.
I enjoyed, and there's been a lot of shutters.

Speaker 2 I think one of the things that is so exciting is having a politician who is

Speaker 2 in possession of their full critical faculties.

Speaker 1 It's very old school, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Who is under 40.

Speaker 1 And let's be real. Sorry.

Speaker 1 Sorry to all of us. We're not politicians.

Speaker 2 But also,

Speaker 1 well, okay.

Speaker 2 And also, like us, is hot.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 I didn't expect you to have a heart attack when you heard that.

Speaker 1 And Andy's good at dunks.

Speaker 2 Oh, incredible at dunks. The amount.
amount, I mean, the, I can't tell you, it was like

Speaker 2 I, it's like I'm Frankisha's monster. And when Saram Mamdani said,

Speaker 2 what I lack in experience, I make up for integrity. And what you lack in integrity, you will never make up for in experience.

Speaker 2 That was like the electrical cord coming through to me, me sitting up and me saying, I'm alive!

Speaker 2 I can't tell you how much I want to inject into my veins. I've never had a more pleasant day on Instagram than the day after just looking through things, being like, it do be that way.

Speaker 2 It do be that way.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm on Cloud9 and I'm absolutely thrilled for him.

Speaker 1 Helen,

Speaker 1 you're residing, as I said, in Vancouver in Canada,

Speaker 1 the imminent 51st state of the USA.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 this is, I mean, I mean, for you as, I mean, I think you become by default an American citizen when the invasion happens. So this is, you know, affecting your political future as well.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because he'll be the pan-American mayor, right? I think, I mean, New York does tend to assume that what's happening there is relevant to the entirety of the rest of the country.

Speaker 1 And this is one time where be glad they're right.

Speaker 1 And also now we're learning that mayors do things other than wear ornamental chains to summer fates.

Speaker 1 Just the British way of the mayor,

Speaker 1 based on the British way of the monarch, I guess, just turn up in spangly clothes.

Speaker 1 The Way of the Mayor.

Speaker 2 The Way of the mayor was an incredibly disappointing and badly received sequel to The Way of the Samurai.

Speaker 2 He had the chain, but no one was interested.

Speaker 1 I guess the question is: you know,

Speaker 1 there was other Democratic victories, and also the passing of Proposition 50 in

Speaker 1 California, sort of

Speaker 1 called the Election Rigging Response Act, fighting gerrymandering with gerrymandering.

Speaker 1 So to try and balance out the sort of legalized electoral fraud that is allowed in the American system that the Republicans have attempted by doing the same

Speaker 1 in California.

Speaker 1 And, you know, when democracy has been undermined, there can be no better response than by undermining it again.

Speaker 1 but on the other side. Undermining it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, exactly. To balance out

Speaker 1 that seesaw. Personally, I think, I mean, the whole thing kind of shows how ridiculous the system is.

Speaker 1 And also, it shows how, in terms of, you know, where people vote, using geography as outdated, you know, just by, you know, changing the management of where people live, and it should be done more by character traits, and there should be, you know, representatives, members of parliament, not depending on where you live, but say, for people who like tennis, fear, change, and find science confusing.

Speaker 1 Maybe a representative of people who enjoy milkshakes and are broadly in favour of the environment, but also like light bulbs that actually work.

Speaker 1 People who believe in ghosts, capitalism, Roman gods, and the power of love. Or people who would like to own a horse but haven't really thought it through.

Speaker 1 And that would sort of get rid of this sort of gerrymandering, I think, would make the world a better place.

Speaker 1 In terms of what these election results mean, is it a reaction against the Trumpist desecration of what America used to claim to stand for?

Speaker 1 A democratic howl of protest against the liquefying of the American state, a bark back at the mayhemicist flailings of a marker pen wielding, resentment stoking, paranoia mongering, de facto despot.

Speaker 1 And I should say, given what's just happened at the BBC, which we will touch on later, later, I should say those insults were taken from different places in my script, 54 minutes apart.

Speaker 1 So they're fine.

Speaker 1 I mean, do you think is this

Speaker 1 the start of us of a longer-term fight back

Speaker 1 against Trumpism? What do you reckon? Well, Andy, if there's any certainties in this world, it's that the

Speaker 1 prevailing Democrat Party will take the wrong lessons from this and manage to flub it. But fingers crossed.
Yeah, I mean, and the right-wing media have not taken Mamdani's victory lying down.

Speaker 1 They've taken it lying, just outright lying,

Speaker 1 and trying to misrepresent who he is and

Speaker 1 what he stands for. There's apparently some Republicans pushing to strip Mamdani of his American citizenship.

Speaker 1 And bear in mind that some in America thought that Barack Obama should have his citizenship shredded because his middle name was Hussein and he wasn't nearly as white as he should have been.

Speaker 1 I guess it's not entirely surprising that they're playing

Speaker 1 this card. Trump threatened before the election to withhold federal funds to New York City if Mamdani won.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's bribery, or coercion, or corruption, or just a puce-faced tantrum, or all of the above? It's quite hard to know exactly

Speaker 1 what sort of card was being played there.

Speaker 2 Andy, what you're describing there is every single one of my parenting techniques.

Speaker 2 And I see that. I see that in Trump,

Speaker 2 in Trump's behaviour here.

Speaker 2 I mean, if there's one thing better than a socialist victory, it is the right-wing piss that is subsequently boiled

Speaker 2 if you could somehow convert this you would power the entire american grid if you you know this is something they need to look into like

Speaker 2 that level of boiling piss if they could get some sort of underfloor heating no one would ever need to pay for hot water again i mean obviously you'd have to you don't want to be showering in it but that what i'm saying is it's a resource and it's renewable

Speaker 1 And also, exactly. And therefore, the Republicans are going to be strongly against it as a green source of energy.
So that might actually calm them down.

Speaker 2 No, they're going to be against it, which of course is going to perpetuate the cycle even more. They're going to be absolutely furious.

Speaker 2 And when they find out that this renewable resource will not be netting them any profits,

Speaker 2 it's the gift that keeps giving.

Speaker 1 If they invest in diuretic drinks, then they will claw some money back.

Speaker 2 That's how they do it, don't they? They work out, they work out a way.

Speaker 2 I think as well, what is funny to me is the overreactions of the right when it comes to left-wing politicians always are somewhat painful because they make the politicians seem so cool.

Speaker 2 Like, so Ramondani is already incredibly cool, hot, lovely, wonderful, like thrilled. As an electoral politician goes, absolutely thrilled by him.

Speaker 2 But he can't live up to the New York Post headline where he's like hammer and sickle in the red and there's billionaires being executed.

Speaker 2 And the problem that I have is, you know, they'll be like, he's a communist. He's going to round up every billionaire.
He's going to redistribute sacks on Fifth Avenue.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, stop threatening me with a good time.

Speaker 2 I was not disappointed until I found their version of this reality, which would be go even harder than this version.

Speaker 1 Well, I do like the headline on the New York Post with that graphic that you you described.

Speaker 1 And the headline was on your marks, as in Karl Marks, get set, Zoe, as in the first two letters of Mamdani's first name.

Speaker 1 So it was a headline that managed a sort of tabloid wordplay on someone's name with a Reds Under the Beds McCarthy-era nostalgia fueled fear-mongering. That's the 2020s at its very best for me.

Speaker 1 That's something to be treasured.

Speaker 2 I'm disappointed they didn't get a pun in the set.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 2 it should be

Speaker 2 on your marks, no jet.

Speaker 2 As in, you can't have a private jet anymore. I mean, the problem is that anyone I can think of, they would have to have extensive footnotes to explain the joke.

Speaker 1 Another

Speaker 1 comment made by Andy Ogles, a Tennessee Republican,

Speaker 1 against whose name I've repeatedly launched defamation and libel claims.

Speaker 1 Andy Ogles said before the election, a great American city is on the precipice of being run by a communist who's publicly embraced a terroristic ideology which would be terrifying were it true um but luckily it's not so hopefully new york will be uh will be fine there are reports that a lot of republicans are sort of worried that mamdani may fix what's described as the affordability crisis um because i guess the under the unaffordability of everyday life around the world seems to be a key plank of sort of populist strategy for want of a better word the broad plan being make sure people can't afford stuff then they get resentful and then you can suggest a list of people to blame for the fact that they can't afford stuff.

Speaker 1 It's a very, very clever strategy, but Mamdani risks undermining that. So you can see why people are concerned about what he may bring.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've always said that reality has a left-wing bias, and it's always unhelpful for the right because they can't pretend that material circumstances aren't worsening.

Speaker 2 All they can do is be like, yeah, yeah, it'll be terrible if we find out who did it. Maybe it's this minority, you know.

Speaker 2 And so, like, it's been really thrilling to see a politician not only address material issues, but refuse to be drawn at all on anything. Even when people are like, Mr.

Speaker 2 Mandani, everyone's saying you're good looking. And he's like, Do you know what would look good? Red the rent coming down.

Speaker 1 It's like, yes,

Speaker 1 don't, don't pander to it. You know, Mr.

Speaker 2 Mandani, Trump's saying that you're silly. Well, do you know what's silly? The fact that we could be having free buses.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 yes.

Speaker 2 No culture wars for us, thank you. Just class wars for us.

Speaker 1 Not just free buses, but fast and free. Fast and free.
Unclear. And does everyone get one?

Speaker 1 Literally, everyone gets their own bus with their own driver, taking them exactly where they want, as fast as humanly possible. He didn't specify exactly how fast they're going to go.

Speaker 1 I don't know if we're talking just faster than buses currently go or blasting through Manhattan at 180 miles an hour. But either way, it's going to be

Speaker 1 a bit of a step change for

Speaker 1 New York. Rent freeze, food affordability, free childcare, affordable housing.
This is very, very dangerous stuff.

Speaker 1 It's going to undermine. I mean, we fought the Cold War for, well, didn't fight the Cold War because it never got hot

Speaker 1 for the rights, for landlords to be able to fleece their tenants.

Speaker 1 And this commie is coming in and overturning all those years of what could have been very violent struggle

Speaker 1 had that Cold War got hot.

Speaker 2 Do you know what was really fun as well that I will miss from this election? Curtis Sleewer,

Speaker 2 what a wonderful character to have in those debates. An oddball,

Speaker 2 obsessed with cats, refusing to take off his red beret and more angry at Cuomo than Mandani himself. Like, what an energy.
Like, if we had that kind of energy in British politics

Speaker 2 that undermined I don't know, that undermined kind of the rot,

Speaker 2 but bolstered the far left.

Speaker 2 I just don't know who would do it.

Speaker 1 The super vet?

Speaker 1 You could do it. You just have to get a berry.

Speaker 2 I could do it. I would love to.

Speaker 1 His victory speech had a few interesting words,

Speaker 1 including hope is alive.

Speaker 1 I guess it's like a horror film that you know it's going to die eventually, but that doesn't mean the jolt doesn't affect you in some way.

Speaker 1 He also said, We choose hope together, hope over tyranny, hope over big money and small ideas, hope over despair. Which is great.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, traditionally, hope generally goes 0 for 3 in those matchups in American sports violence. And he also said this new age will be defined by competence and compassion.

Speaker 1 Which I'm surprised. I thought those words had just been eradicated.
Didn't they not just cut all the COMP words out of the dictionary?

Speaker 1 Anyway, it's nice to hear these old-fashioned terms making a bit of a comeback,

Speaker 1 even if just in the glow of an election victory.

Speaker 1 Another reaction came from supermarket billionaire John Katsimatidis, who has threatened to slash his workforce in New York and move to Florida due to Mamdani's

Speaker 1 win and the policies that he's suggested. Helen, you are our North American food stores correspondent.

Speaker 1 Congratulations. Thank you.
Good to have a gig. You've got the big account.

Speaker 1 Exactly what's going on here.

Speaker 1 Well, Andy, what's going on is the thing that we absolutely love, which is a billionaire dangles a move to a place where we are not

Speaker 1 to extort someone who's been outspoken about the impacts of the wealth gap. Again, don't threaten us with a good time.

Speaker 1 It's like, oh,

Speaker 1 you don't like me, a c, I'm gonna move where other are rather than be in your place. I wasn't paying tax anyway, so big diff.
Why does he move to a tiny submarine, huh?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I really feel like people are gonna be like, oh no, who will mistakenly post fetish content online if billionaires move away?

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 2 Who will inject the blood of their children into their eyelids and look worse?

Speaker 1 Who will take out all of the barricade scenes from Les Miz and be like, No, it was about us all along?

Speaker 1 Steve Bannon also made a speech the other day who said, If this keeps happening, and if we lose midterms, and then if we lose in 2028, some of us are going to prison.

Speaker 1 Bummer,

Speaker 1 That could really turn the next election, shouldn't it?

Speaker 1 If he means that promise, then I can see that being a democratic landslide.

Speaker 1 I don't know. What if someone runs on a Save Steve Bannon platform? A lot of people are perves.
Amongst the people to benefit from Mamdani's victory, apparently, are dating apps.

Speaker 1 He met his wife on a dating app, and apparently

Speaker 1 this is

Speaker 1 helping, I guess, I don't know. I've never used a dating app.

Speaker 2 As somebody who's using dating apps, I would say you don't find affection.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Do you find Victorian pubgs?

Speaker 2 As a

Speaker 2 thriving woman in her 40s, a recent divorce. Obviously, I'm anti-marriage, but you understand the gist.

Speaker 2 What I would say is, so, what everyone can't get over is the fact that Mandani met his wife on Hinge, and his wife is a stunning, cool artist who writes beautiful posts and has incredible taste.

Speaker 2 Their relationship is very beautiful, like documented in all these sort of candid photographs of them sharing affection and devotion with one another. And what people around the world are saying is:

Speaker 2 is this the same Hinge

Speaker 2 that sees me

Speaker 2 matching solely with 60-year-old men who take four identical photographs from underneath, the two remaining photographs being their dog?

Speaker 2 I don't want to date a dog. Thank you.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 is this the same hinge? Where people respond to my very innocent, very politically unbiased prompt, a deal breaker for me is no cops, no landlords, no worries.

Speaker 2 Repeatedly with the opening message, what's so bad about landlords?

Speaker 2 Is this the same hinge where a man who seemed so charming had a lovely photo of him, some really nice things about his personality, and then the response to the prompt, one thing I'll never do again, trust a woman?

Speaker 1 I saw one of Ramadu Raji's friends say to the New York Times, she's our modern-day Princess Diana. Some friend, why would you condemn her to that?

Speaker 2 It's hard, though, because I really understand from a cultural point of view, absolutely. The two of them are very Princess Diana-coded,

Speaker 2 and it obviously makes them vulnerable to attacks from the Queen.

Speaker 1 This is the first time I've seen the term hetero-optimism thrown around.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't like that. It's ugly.

Speaker 1 I'm excited to see Mills and Boone throwing out all of their billionaire romance vertical and going for public servant uh romances. All right,

Speaker 1 it's a dawn of a new age. Sorry, I was a bit distracted there because I was just buying a shove halfpenny board that had been signed by William Gladstone.
Sorry, but I'm fully focused now.

Speaker 2 And you're married to it as well now.

Speaker 1 That's the good part.

Speaker 2 There was a very beautiful description of her as his aloof wife behind the scenes controlling the campaign.

Speaker 1 She was absent from the campaign, deliberately.

Speaker 2 She was behind the scenes.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I think what you're like the Wizard of Oz.

Speaker 2 What you're describing as absence has been reframed as a certain aloofness.

Speaker 2 And in that regard, I would like to describe myself as emotionally aloof

Speaker 2 in the dating world.

Speaker 1 In other Trump news,

Speaker 1 Trump, Helen, is

Speaker 1 locked in a big beef with beef. He's managed to anger American beef producers by threatening, stroke, promising to import cheaper beef from Argentina.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it obviously doesn't take a lot for Trump to have a beef. I mean, was a beef with beef now just the logical end point

Speaker 1 of this sort of

Speaker 1 the maelstrom of inward-looking fury that

Speaker 1 is the president of the USA.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the circuit is complete, Andy. This combines a lot of Trump faves, fake enemies slash straw cows, blame foreigners for it.
His tariffs were so good they worked too well.

Speaker 1 Old man shouts at Cloud, distraction from Epstein stuff,

Speaker 1 distraction from lefty winds, and cow meat.

Speaker 1 And lies because he's saying only beef has gone up. All of food is cheaper under me than Biden, except for beef, which isn't true.
Coffee's even more expensive than beef.

Speaker 1 Most things are more expensive than under Biden.

Speaker 1 But yeah, there is a problem with the beef packers. So he has focused on the fact that many of them are in South America because of the big beef.

Speaker 1 It's like four companies and two of them are in Brazil, I believe.

Speaker 2 When, of course, the Brazilian beef packers are looking odds on to win the World Series.

Speaker 1 Last week, Josie, last week. You're speaking the the right language.

Speaker 1 No!

Speaker 2 No, I meant 2026. Guys, once the tournament ends, you've got to be looking for next year.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I live in a major baseball-producing region, and I

Speaker 1 still manage not to engage. Trump also said, while cattle prices have dropped substantially, the price of boxed beef has gone up.
Therefore, you know that something is fishy.

Speaker 1 That's the wrong protein, sir.

Speaker 2 Also, I think they shouldn't be making the cows box each other.

Speaker 1 Well, that's how they get tenderised.

Speaker 2 Oh, I suppose you're right.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 1 the Wagu beef, I think the Wagyu beeves do

Speaker 1 MMA from birth, pretty much, I think.

Speaker 2 The Aberdeen Angus, they do MDMA from birth, so they're absolutely wonderful company.

Speaker 1 Trump is also apparently threatening legal action against the BBC, which has been thrown into considerable turmoil after in the aftermath of a para not paranormal panorama documentary

Speaker 1 i'd like to say a paranormal documentary about uh about donald trump they did a panorama did a documentary about trump in which they misleadingly edited um a speech uh from the the 6th of january um

Speaker 1 in which he

Speaker 1 in which he was made to appear that he was encouraging people to be to be violent um explicitly whereas in fact as we all know it was implicit rather than explicit uh as a result the head of bbc News and the director general, the head of the whole shebang, have both quat.

Speaker 1 Quite why this happened is, I mean, the most ridiculous aspect of this, out of all the people that you're trying to do a hatchet job on, Trump is right up there with the ones who need least doctoring.

Speaker 1 If you cannot put a decent one-hour hit job on Trump together without cheating, you're not f ⁇ ing trying.

Speaker 1 But anyway, the BBC

Speaker 1 was criticised by other news organisations who said that it has a duty to be impartial and factually accurate, which they as privately owned companies have absolutely no duty to be.

Speaker 1 And look, Caroline Leavert, Trump's press secretary, described the BBC as 100%

Speaker 1 fake news.

Speaker 1 That's not true.

Speaker 1 Quite a lot of it is sport.

Speaker 1 If you're cricket fans, you'll be able to hear me on the BBC's cricket coverage of the forthcoming Ashes series.

Speaker 1 Maybe she's only heard the drama after Woman's Hour.

Speaker 1 Well, yes. It's fake news when you're on the BBC, Andy.
That is, yes.

Speaker 1 Yes, I mean, the news quiz doesn't really live up to either of the two bits of its name.

Speaker 2 So, as somebody whose BBC show was cancelled,

Speaker 2 I can speak freely.

Speaker 2 But unfortunately, as somebody who would like to be employed again, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put those opinions back in the box.

Speaker 2 For me, there was something quite funny about this article. So, Caroline Leavett, whose name already sounds drunk you know

Speaker 2 Caroline Leave it

Speaker 2 and what's interesting about her is she is married and she was going to go double barreled with her husband but her husband's name was Mark he's not worth it

Speaker 2 it's just she thought I can't for obvious reasons but the funniest part of this story for me you know I mean I think it is it's sad when someone you hate has at least a grain of a point like it would be remiss to pretend that there is no political interference on BBC News.

Speaker 2 It would be remiss to pretend that there isn't

Speaker 2 propaganda and bias involved with BBC News. There is, right? But we don't want these lads saying it because it's actually fine if it's against Donald Trump, so don't worry about it.

Speaker 2 But secondly, you know, your point exactly stands: the man does not need any help incriminating himself.

Speaker 1 He needs some editing, though. Oh, this is long.

Speaker 2 But, like, the thing that really I found funny was what she said was she said,

Speaker 2 every time I travel to the UK with President Trump and I am forced to watch the BBC in our hotel rooms, it ruins my day. I'm like, babe, you're not forced, you're in your hotel room.
Like

Speaker 2 what is she? Does she not understand how hotel remotes work?

Speaker 1 Like they never have batteries in, Josie. Someone's always nicked the batteries.
What's she to do? Like she could be watching Midsummer Murders, but she's trapped watching Holmes Under the Hammer.

Speaker 2 Of course, Holmes under the sickle and hammer to her, you know.

Speaker 1 That's how it begins.

Speaker 1 Of course, we at the Bugle would never doctor the words of any politicians, least of all Donald Trump. In fact, we spoke to him just this week.

Speaker 1 Donald Trump, thank you for joining us. So, Donald.
Yes, and

Speaker 1 how do you react to Zoran Mamdani's victory in the New York mayoral election? We must fire all Muslims into space.

Speaker 1 And Donald, what is next on your legislative agenda to make things better for ordinary Americans? Stupid bunch of fucking jerks.

Speaker 1 Well, obviously that's what you think of them, but what are you planning to do to help them in their everyday lives? I want to repeal and replace freedom women, Mexicans, and our Constitution.

Speaker 1 Why women specifically, Donald? They make my fing life very, very difficult.

Speaker 1 Donald, that's a bit harsh.

Speaker 1 I don't think that's particularly funny to say that kind of thing. You are a fing terrible comedian.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Donald, that's just your opinion. Have you got anything else to say to our listeners? Andy.

Speaker 1 But Krishna Ford

Speaker 1 is the most exciting thing that has ever happened in the entire history of

Speaker 1 the land.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, I mean, yeah, fair point, but I don't see how that's relevant. Donald, just before we go, I'm off to Australia to watch the Ashes.

Speaker 1 What do you think England's strategy should be in an attempt to beat Australia in Australia? The three-prong skin attack. Donald, I think that is one of the most ridiculous things you've ever said.

Speaker 1 You can't go three spinners in Australia. It's got to be pace.
Anyway, Donald Trump, thank you for joining us on the bugle.

Speaker 1 I don't think you're ready for this jelly because my body is too delicious for you, babe.

Speaker 1 Is that still the only pop song you've heard this summer?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Listen, once you've heard one, you don't need to hear the rest.

Speaker 1 Art heist update now, and it's turned out just a few weeks after the Louvre heist, which we reported on exclusively on the bugle,

Speaker 1 that the Louvre's password might have been the word Louvre,

Speaker 1 which not only is the name of the Louvre gallery, but it also in French means open it, which is probably not not great as a password

Speaker 1 it's how you remember yeah I guess

Speaker 1 this does seem to be a slight

Speaker 1 slight glitch in their security plan Helen

Speaker 1 well Andy you say that but a lot of the people in charge of museums and museum security are maybe a little bit older and I think a lot of us have tried to help our parents with computer stuff.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 we know how this could happen.

Speaker 1 Also, someone was recently telling me that many years ago, they worked at a very famous museum in the UK, and the security cameras were nearly all fake because real ones are too expensive.

Speaker 1 And having read an audit of the Louvre 2018 to 2024, seems like they still agree. They're like, well, 39% of them work now.

Speaker 2 Which is 39% of things working in France is actually a historic high point when you consider the rates of strikes and protests.

Speaker 1 And the cameras are just on strike.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're taking a long lunch.

Speaker 1 The Louvre,

Speaker 1 to give it credit, has now gone a full three weeks without having any artefacts stolen in broad daylight by basically amateur heist curious burglarists.

Speaker 1 And it has has announced enhanced security measures.

Speaker 1 These include signs placed every 300 meters around the perimeter of the building saying, please do not steal any of the contents of this museum in three languages.

Speaker 1 Also putting paintings of frightening looking dogs facing the windows and putting up messages and putting messages on Paris-based criminals' online chat rooms and social media feeds, highlighting how easy it is to break into other major museums in Paris instead.

Speaker 1 So they are taking this very seriously indeed.

Speaker 2 I think they have a really good opportunity because obviously they are going to have to reset the password. And it would be lovely if they just went, you know what? Let's put it back to Louvre.

Speaker 2 We're not going to have lightning.

Speaker 2 Lightning is not going to strike twice, they're not going to think if anything it is safest poo the safest password we could have, is go back to Louvre and now I have to go on holiday for seven weeks.

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 You cannot contact me, it is illegal. This makes it seem like I'm anti the work-life balance.
I'm very pro. I'm mocking it because I wish to have it, you know, I'm jealous.

Speaker 2 I I know that you that I'm going to come across as

Speaker 2 horny, especially after the Mandani stuff and the Hinge stuff.

Speaker 2 But I have to bring to the fore the important fact that the robbers were hot.

Speaker 2 They were stunning. They belonged in the Louvre.
You understand what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 And I just cannot get over how hot criminals are in this day and age.

Speaker 2 Of course, you've got your Luigi Man Journeys, you know, you've got that guy who had a hot mug shot and then had a very short-lived career in reality TV.

Speaker 2 And now these guys, the problem I have is they are setting unrealistic beauty standards for crime.

Speaker 2 And we're going to see a lot of good criminals kept out of the game because they can't keep up with these levels.

Speaker 1 Right. It's like pop music all over again.

Speaker 2 Exactly. And it's really sad to see this kind of pressure put on every single industry.

Speaker 2 You know, in the past days with crime, all you needed was a stripey jumper and a big bag with swag written across it. Well, now you need a face card and the swag you need has to come from within.

Speaker 1 It's like podcasting pivoting to video. We didn't get into audio to be perceived.
We did not.

Speaker 2 We did not.

Speaker 1 Is there a dating app, Josie, for people looking for hot crims who commit crimes against capitalism?

Speaker 2 I tell you what, if there is, I would be on it.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 2 there is, it's called Field.

Speaker 2 The problem with Hinge is that you can't put your politics as further left than liberal, which has quite a contested meaning, you know.

Speaker 2 And I mean, this goes back as far as Gladstone and Disraeli. You know, the two of them.
I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just like.

Speaker 1 Are they on dating apps?

Speaker 2 They set them up. They set up Bumble.

Speaker 1 Well, we'll finish this week with an end of the world stroke, end of the universe section.

Speaker 1 I don't know which of those you're more or less in favour of, but they are both seemingly increasingly inevitable, if inevitability can indeed increase, which does now seem almost unavoidable.

Speaker 1 The universe is going to end. New research by

Speaker 1 new research by Boffins has claimed that the universe is expanding more slowly than previously thought, although not everyone agrees with this, but let's say that they're right.

Speaker 1 This does raise the alarming prospect if the universe keeps decelerating its expansion at the current rate and eventually goes into a reverse expansion or debigification or shrink-tastic phase, the universe could shrivel to the size of a basketball at some point between next Sunday and 100 billion years from now.

Speaker 1 The Boffins have said that this reverse Big Bang scenario could result in the cancellation of all sport. You have my full undivided attention.

Speaker 1 And could leave unresolved debates such as what's it all about? Was it yellow or blue? And what's better, broccoli or badminton.

Speaker 1 Helen, I know you're in Vancouver, so you're eight hours behind. So it's not quite as pressing for you as it is for us here in the UK.
Any spoilers?

Speaker 1 But, I mean,

Speaker 1 from the future? I mean,

Speaker 1 the big, call it a big crunch. This sounds quite ominous, doesn't it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then when you described it, it, Andy, it sounds like the paper's screaming about what if the London housing market isn't just unrestrainedly becoming more expensive, as if it would be bad if it were less expensive.

Speaker 1 So maybe it'll be all right.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's just like the universe should just relax a bit, take it easy,

Speaker 1 cross us to death like a big hug.

Speaker 1 Why not? I guess if the universe shrinks,

Speaker 1 that will actually put property prices up because there'd be less space overall, but the same level of demand. Absolutely.
God, landlords always win.

Speaker 2 Well, I was looking into this, and it, when I read about it, it said that it's going to be a paradigm shift in cosmology, a paradigm shift in cosmology.

Speaker 2 And what I did find is that is terrible news for Leos.

Speaker 2 So, and Leo's obviously big landlords. Virgos, they're coming out of this great.
They've said if the universe ends not with a bang but a whimper,

Speaker 2 good time for Virgos to embark upon a new project at work.

Speaker 1 I love when you see the term boffin getting wheeled out.

Speaker 1 It's rarely a compliment to scientific research.

Speaker 2 They never get called spods. Did you used to get called a spod?

Speaker 1 A spod? Yeah, I got called a spod. No, because I wasn't good enough at science to get called a spod.

Speaker 1 What was I missing?

Speaker 1 It's called the big crunch because of the noise that the universe will make as it shrinks,

Speaker 1 which is a bit like a hippopotamus biting into a watermelon, but spread over eight billion years.

Speaker 1 Also, suggestions that it might be, in fact, a big scrunch rather than the crunch,

Speaker 1 which would be proof that it's God scrunching up the universe in frustration after it up yet again.

Speaker 1 Time will tell if anyone's still around to listen to it, which they won't be because they'll have been mulched down to the size of an atom if they're lucky by the sounds of it.

Speaker 1 In conclusion, the universe is too big. It's so big that you can see it from space with the naked eye, interestingly.

Speaker 2 This is sobering.

Speaker 1 Well, sorry to end the bugle on perhaps, well, distressing news that the universe is going to end.

Speaker 1 But it's not going to end immediately. So there's still time to buy tickets to my forthcoming shows in Australia,

Speaker 1 Perth.

Speaker 1 Brisbane, Adelaide, Melbourne and Sydney. And the two Bugle Live shows, the 2nd of December in Brisbane and the 22nd in Melbourne, and my UK tour shows from late January.

Speaker 1 All details at my website, andysolton.co.uk. The Bugle live shows you can also get via thebuglepodcast.com.
There are also,

Speaker 1 I've been reliably informed by producer Chris, 10 Christmas jumpers left out of our limited edition 2025 Bugle Christmas jumper run and a few mugs.

Speaker 1 So, you know, if you if you if you're still short of Christmas presents here in mid-November, despite our section in the bin this week, those are your options. Josie, anything to plug?

Speaker 2 Yes, very much so. I'm currently on tour and there's only one mug available, this one.

Speaker 2 So can I just tell you my tour dates? Because

Speaker 2 I don't want to seem like a woman who isn't thriving, but there are lots of tickets available.

Speaker 2 I am in Liverpool on the 15th of November, in Bristol on the 16th of November, in Exeter on the 19th of November, Cleveland in the 20th of November, 21st of November is Coventry, but she's sold out.

Speaker 2 Don't even think about her. Thank you.
Finally, one of them.

Speaker 2 26th of November, Sheffield, and there's a bunch of tickets there in that beautiful city. 29th of November, but sorry, this is so long.
29th, Leicester. A whole raft of tickets for Leicester.

Speaker 2 30th, York, last few.

Speaker 2 4th of December, Newcastle. 5th in Glasgow at the Orin Moor.
And please come if you are a fan of me and live there, please, please, please. And then my last one is Kendall at the Brewery Arts.

Speaker 2 And again, it's almost like they saved all the ones that weren't selling well for the final legs.

Speaker 2 So please, if you look in any of those places, even if you dislike me in my comedy, just come for a fun, unusual challenge.

Speaker 1 Helen, what have you got to plug? Well, Andy, I have my podcasts, The Illusionist, an entertainment show about how language works, and Answer Me This, which predates even the bugle. It is back.

Speaker 1 I know we shared a lot of listeners in the past, and some of them don't know that Answer Me This has come back from the dead. So exciting news for you.

Speaker 1 Also, I was recently a guest on a new podcast by Arnie Niekamp of Hello from the Magic Tavern pod, and it's called No Skip Christmas, and it's all about Christmas music, which reminded me, Andy, of an incredible prank I played on you at Christmas 2019,

Speaker 1 where I,

Speaker 1 knowing that you hate Christmas music,

Speaker 1 I had bought at a gas station in Arizona two baubles that were actually Bluetooth speakers.

Speaker 1 And I secreted them on your Christmas tree and played music while you were running around going, Where's it coming from? Where's it coming from?

Speaker 1 And the reason I bought two was in case you found the first one.

Speaker 1 To be fair to me, I did play some sports themes, which I thought you would like more than you did. Yeah, well, I mean, it was a good prank, but it did also cause COVID.
So

Speaker 1 there we go, you know.

Speaker 1 It was worth it.

Speaker 1 It was

Speaker 1 on balance. You've got to stand by these things.

Speaker 1 Well, there we go, buglers. We'll be back next week.
Josh Gondelman will be joining me next week.

Speaker 1 And after that, I'll be off to Australia. Thank you very much for listening.

Speaker 1 If you want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme and be a true hero to humanity, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button to make a one-off all occurring contributions.