Moment 204: How To ALWAYS Have Great Sex: The Orgasm Queen, Susan Bratton

Speaker 1 From wine country weekends to scenic drives through the Sierra foothills, fall is the perfect time to explore California, and there's no better way to do it than in a brand new Toyota hybrid.

Speaker 1 With 17 fuel-efficient options like the stylish all-hybrid Camry, the Adventure-Ready RAV4 hybrid, or the spacious Grand Highlander hybrid, Toyota has the perfect ride for any adventure.

Speaker 1 Every new Toyota comes with Toyota Care, a two-year complementary scheduled maintenance plan, an exclusive hybrid battery warranty, and of course, Toyota's legendary quality and reliability.

Speaker 1 Visit your local Toyota dealer and test drive one today so you can be prepared for wherever the road takes you this fall. Toyota, let's go places.

Speaker 1 See your local Toyota dealer for hybrid battery warranty details.

Speaker 3 What is step one?

Speaker 2 Yeah, step one is often just holding each other. One of the techniques, I have these two techniques that come from one of my books.
One of my most popular books is a book called

Speaker 2 Sexual Soulmates,

Speaker 2 because sexual soulmates are not out there waiting for you. You co-create your connection with your partner.

Speaker 2 And even if you've lost that connection, you can have many renaissance in your relationship throughout the years. You can come back together and it could be better than ever again.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 there are two techniques out of that book that I think are kind of like a foundation. One of them is called the Sexual Soulmate Pact.

Speaker 2 And that pact is an agreement between partners where I can say anything I want to you. And you're going to be happy I told you.
And you're not going to take it as criticism or you did anything wrong.

Speaker 2 You're going to be hungry for me to tell you what I have an appetite for, what I want, how I'm feeling. Am I a kitty cat? Do you need to hold me in your arms? Do you need to pet me?

Speaker 2 Do you need to let me release and calm down and get some things off my chest? Do you just need to provide that holding?

Speaker 2 Or am I a lioness? Do I want you to ravish me? Do I want to be pounced on?

Speaker 2 Do you want I want you to carry me to the bedroom and throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off and tell me how gorgeous I am and eat me up?

Speaker 2 We want those things in that range all the time. But what couples forget is to start with holding and being held.
Because when we do that, we generate oxytocin.

Speaker 2 And the oxytocin is kind of like the antidote to all the cortisol we're pumping out constantly with the kids and the school and the stress and the job and the politics and the, you know, all this crazy stuff.

Speaker 2 We need to be held and to hold.

Speaker 3 So step one then is have the conversation and step two is to

Speaker 3 just hold, essentially, hold each other.

Speaker 2 You don't even need to have a conversation. You can just go crawl into your partner's arms and say, and this is something that I love to teach men.

Speaker 2 I love to teach men how to run a woman a menu of small offers.

Speaker 2 So the problem is that they're both feeling, Eliza and her husband are likely both. They're dissatisfied.
They feel disconnected. They're not speaking about it.
They're not speaking about it. And

Speaker 2 she feels like we should be having sex, but we're not, right? It's the sh I should be having sex. What is sex?

Speaker 2 intercourse well she's not turned on she hasn't had sex in god knows how long she's not ready to be penetrated

Speaker 2 she needs to get warmed up you know it's very very slow the female arousal system

Speaker 2 and it takes 15 20 30 minutes when it's been a long time between lovemaking sessions to get out of your head into your body, calmed down.

Speaker 2 Because arousal, it's not, I'm going to push your buttons and I'm going to spin your dials, which is what guys try to do. They're like, I've got a goal.
I got to give her an orgasm. Let's go.

Speaker 2 I'm full speed ahead.

Speaker 2 Where in reality, it's, oh, I need to hold her. I need to grab her up in my big, muscly arms.
And I need to just let her calm down and

Speaker 2 relax and remember what she loved about you and how much she loves you and how good you smell and how good you feel and how safe she feels right in this moment.

Speaker 3 You used the word should.

Speaker 2 Should is such a

Speaker 3 corrosive when you were saying we should be having right.

Speaker 3 How often, how much harm do you think should does? As in, when I say should, I really mean it's a social comparison. It's like an external comparison.
I've watched this movie.

Speaker 3 I've spoken to my friend. They're doing it this often.
They're doing it like this. So we should be doing it like them.
How much harm do you think that does?

Speaker 3 Because I've seen it in all my relationships.

Speaker 2 I've seen guilt, guilt, guilt.

Speaker 3 Yeah, like the comparison to other people who are just not you, it can do so much harm. And I think in my current relationship, we've basically banned comparison.

Speaker 3 So we've banned each other speaking about our unmet needs through the lens of other people or our past relationships.

Speaker 2 And I think it really helps. Yeah.
You know? I do too. I think that if Eliza stopped feeling guilty and said, okay, I just...

Speaker 2 I'm just going to start small. And if her husband, if she said to her husband, I just want to start small again.
I just want to, let's crawl and then walk and then run back to lovemaking when we can.

Speaker 2 Let's acknowledge that we're in the time of our relationship when the kids make it really hard. Let's acknowledge that we want to have more intimacy together.
And let's start with small offers.

Speaker 2 And then if he starts saying to her,

Speaker 2 How about Thursday night? I bring home some Chinese. We get the kids in the bath.
We get them in bed. We divide and conquer.
We put them down. I'll go in, take a quick shower.
I'll set up the bedroom.

Speaker 2 I'll set up the nest. I'll light a candle.
I'll lay out some fresh towels. I'll get your favorite lube.
I'll put on the sexy playlist that you like. And all I want you to do is relax.

Speaker 2 There's no pressure to do anything. I won't be mad if we don't have intercourse.
What I'm going to do is I'm going to hold you. I'm going to get my hands on you.
I'm going to rub whatever hurts.

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell you how much I love you. I'm going to snuggle you.
I might kiss you if you want to kiss me. We'll see how it goes.
No pressure.

Speaker 3 Why? Why no pressure?

Speaker 2 Because if she has pressure, then she's going to feel stressed. And if she feels stressed, she can't get into arousal.
As soon as you take the pressure off

Speaker 2 and let her just see

Speaker 2 what happens,

Speaker 2 then her body will go into arousal and connection and feel safe and relaxed and she'll start to let down and get that turn on going.

Speaker 3 I guess the starting point then, as you said, is the communication part, right? Because that you can't even get to that point if you're in a situation.

Speaker 3 I've been in a situation once in my sexual history where it was so awkward that.

Speaker 3 Like it just gets the awkwardness just compounds where you're not even speaking about something.

Speaker 3 And so you're getting in bed. You're both just kind of like laying in silence and oh my God, he's thinking about it and I'm thinking about it.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 I hope he really thinks about it and I hope he doesn't ask me and I'll pretend to sleep and all of that stuff.

Speaker 2 I've been there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And really what broke it was the two things you said. The first thing was you got to talk about it.
And the second thing was removing the pressure and the blame and the judgment.

Speaker 3 And if you can get there, and I think much of the reason why people don't want to talk about it sometimes is because