FH Mini 136 - Doctors of Filmdom

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Hello.

Welcome to the Flop House.

That's this podcast.

But this episode, it's not a regular episode of the podcast.

We're doing something a little special today.

And by special, I mean lesser than our usual podcast.

Wow.

Because this is a flop house mini.

My name is Elliot Kalen, and I am joined, of course, by my regular co-host on the flop house, Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington.

That's right.

We have the Stuart Wellington robot.

Regular Stuart Wellington was not available.

I thought that was him like reading his uh like name into his voicemail or whatever i see that's yeah yeah yeah to access your bank information to a representative

complain to manager uh so

on most episodes of the flop house and by most i mean half of them we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it but then there's the other half the other which is less but also the same amount which is called the flop house mini and on a flop house mini we do whatever we want or more accurately sometimes whatever we can throw together when it's a busy rough week for the person in charge of the mini i am the person in charge of this mini and so let's do some hastily thrown together stuff you the audience the listeners i love that elliott just throws like a fucking mystery at the listeners yeah where they're like i wonder why elliot had a rough week was it uh was he disappointed by the recent episode of i don't know television show he also doesn't like the new season of wednesday no everybody that's internal lowering the bar to the floor so when we step over it they will applaud they'll go oh how wonderful how wonderful I thought it was going to be just you guys going, uh,

for 40 minutes, but you were actually talking.

I will say, Stuart, I was disappointed in I Don't Know What Television Show, the new episode.

I have not watched Wednesday, so I'm not familiar with it.

Otherwise, that could be the mini.

You know, I assume it's the story of

Wednesday Adams having to finally spend time with her birth dad, Grizzly Adams, out in the woods.

Yes.

Can I actually say something about the premise of Wednesday?

It's like now's the time.

You have to.

You know, I yield two minutes of my time to Dan to talk about the premise of Wednesday.

Yeah.

I'm like the you know 10,000th person to say something about this, but since Elliot doesn't know anything about Wednesday, it's new to him.

I actually

spent like half an hour complaining about Wednesday to Elliot over the phone.

That is actually true.

That a couple days ago, Stuart did spend a lot of time telling about the problems with the first of Wednesday.

There's five minutes of me being like, look, I understand it's not for me.

It's like a YA take.

That's exactly what you said.

Yep.

Like the whole point of the Adams family is like they are the outliers.

So they're like,

send Wednesday to a magical school full of magic monsters.

Yes.

It sucks.

And the fact that the magical monsters are just called outcasts, like that's your fucking first draft idea of a name?

Yeah.

I haven't seen it, so I can't say.

I will say for me, there's only one outcast, and that's Andre 3000 and Big Boy.

But

two people.

No, but they make one outcast.

But that's one outcast.

Yeah.

Yeah, because they each get on, because Andre 2000 gets on Big Boy's shoulders and they put a trench coat over and they say, oh, one ticket for an outcast, please.

Is that accent from Stankonia?

Yes, I'm a native.

So

one ticket to Dracula's wedding, please.

So I haven't seen Wednesday.

That's not what we're talking about today.

If anyone wants to hire me to write for Wednesday, I didn't criticize it the way these other guys did.

Don't hire me.

I just rewrite the entire

put the ire into hire.

Yeah, help us fix your hit show that everyone loves.

Yeah, that everyone loves.

Yeah, just by putting in a copy of Adam's Family Values and hitting play.

It's a great movie.

I love Adam's Family Values, but that's not what we hear to talk about.

That was a lot of Adam's Family and Wednesday talk for a mini that is not about that.

Guys, I wanted to talk about healthcare, healthcare in America.

We're all going to be losing our health insurance at one point or another.

That's just the system that's been put in place at the moment.

But I want to talk about what kind of doctors can we count on?

We don't know what doctors we're going to be seeing.

What if we end up seeing the doctors from different movies?

And so today's an episode of A Flop House, I'm calling HMO Health Movie Opportunities.

And I'm going to be talking to you guys about a series of film doctors.

And I want you to tell me

what ailment you're going to see these doctors for.

There's a certain one.

I'm really looking forward to their appearance.

I don't know.

Maybe they're on the list.

Maybe they're not.

I've got a bunch of them here.

Now, for the purposes of this, I have tried to limit it to doctors whose names appear in the titles of the movie not all of them maybe there's a couple where they're where it's not but there's just a there's just so many

more sure my doctor is going to show up now okay we'll see there's a lot of so there's a lot of doctors in movies and someone tell me what ailments are you going to this doctor for what's their specialist specialist maybe this is the first one i don't know uh guys if you're gonna see dr giggles what do you there is

oh yeah it's my serious st.

vitas dance uh condition yeah so what do you what are you seeing dr giggles on i'm not sure i don't remember.

I don't think he was an accredited doctor.

I think he just thought he was a doctor.

His name is Doctor.

It's called Dr.

Giggles.

But yeah, I guess I would assume that he's a Patch Adams style laughter's the best medicine doctor.

Oh, so you're not basing this on the movie, but rather on just seeing his name listed in a directory.

Oh, Dr.

Jeet Lay.

Oh, okay.

I'll go see him.

Yeah.

Well, I mean,

yeah, I would not even, I mean, if I see the movie, I'm not going to see Dr.

Giggles at all.

So I am presenting a fiction where I'm just like, okay, and Zach Dr.

Giggles comes up, and I guess I would go to him for some sort of like, you know, Paglichi, Pagliachi, rather, scenario where I'm depressed and I assume that he can cheer me up.

But he's telling you, you got to go, you know, who's really the Dr.

Giggles is Pagliachi.

You got to see him.

Dr.

Giggles, I am.

I am Pagliachi.

No one says Pagliachi.

Yeah.

Sorry.

So it's okay.

So the.

I'm not Italian, Elliot.

I'm not perfect.

If Dan was Italian, he would be perfect.

He would be perfect.

Yeah.

I feel like that's an apron you should have, Dan, that says, if I was Italian, it'd be perfect.

I don't know if Dan could handle the fiery Italian blood coursing through his veins, though.

No, I don't think so.

It would certainly keep him up.

He'd need an even more powerful seat patch.

Instead of my grumpy Celtic blood.

Grumpy Celtic blood could be a metal band, right?

A metal band that used a lot of like flute and fiddle.

That's basically the band Primordial, actually.

So, Dr.

Gilstan, you're going to go to him to help you lift your spirits.

He's a fun doctor.

Okay, what about Dr.

Fibes then?

He's abominable.

We know that from the title of the movie.

He don't put that in his listing, though, right?

No.

I mean, if you're seeing his reviews and it says abominable, you know, abominable.

He's specialties.

Abominable admits.

Now,

the movie, you mainly see him killing people in different revenge-filled ways.

So, but what would you go to Dr.

Fibes for?

Stuart, what are you seeing Dr.

Fibes for?

I mean, probably revenge.

So it's like revenge MD.

That's what his listing is.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like dirty work.

I hire him to do revenge for me.

I'm trying to remember.

And who are you getting revenge on?

I'm curious about that, too.

I think we've already talked about it, the creators of Wednesday.

Okay, so Dr.

Fibes are going for revenge.

Dan, let's say you're in Russia, something happens, you got to go see Dr.

Zhivago.

What are you going to see Dr.

Zhivago about?

Now, he's an actual, unlike Dr.

Giggles and the Dr.

Fives in the movie.

He is a doctor before the movie of Dr.

Five starts.

But by the time he's appearing, I think he's no longer practicing.

Dr.

Zhivago is a practicing doctor.

So what are you going to go see him?

From what I remember of the film,

he's a pretty warm guy, like a likable guy.

I mean, it is a romance, so you have to sympathize with him, right?

A little bit, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, maybe it'll help fix your broken heart.

That's the bad thing that I I was going to say: I love Doctor.

I was just going to make him my PCP, you know?

Like,

primary care.

Oh, primary care physician.

Okay, that's not the PCP that I, the circles I travel in, Dan.

Forgot my chemical life physician.

He's got an angel dust with him.

Yeah, exactly.

Is that a thing doctors do?

I mean, there was a time, I think, when you probably could get that from a doctor, but more as a hobby.

Feel good.

Also, Dr.

Robert, I hear.

Yeah, he is.

Dr.

Robert is a less enticing name than Dr.

Feelgood.

I'm going to go for drugs.

But there's no movie called Dr.

Meel Good.

I don't know.

Let me check it while you're talking about that.

Okay, I'll do that.

Stuart, let me ask you about this next doctor.

Doctor Strange.

What are you going to him for?

He is a surgeon, but that's not what he does most of the time now.

So what are you going to need him for?

I mean, I kind of just want to go get surgery done because like he used to do it.

And it'd be like, you know, it'd be like him coming back and playing the hits

i wouldn't have him drive me around because that's what caused this whole hand situation that's that's a good point would you go

oh yeah sorry there's a doctor 2020 there's a listing for a tv series doctor feel good but if you go to it there's only one episode so i don't think that uh i don't think that got off the ground but uh there is uh from 2011 there's a movie uh an hour and 21 minutes thriller doctor feel good so there you go okay and so so the music video for Motley Crew, Doctor Feelgood.

Yeah.

All right.

That's fair.

Okay.

So,

Stuart, you're going to Doctor Strange.

I would not advise going to him for a spell that would erase people's knowledge of your memory, but if you do,

don't interrupt him.

Don't interrupt him.

Don't be an idiot and just babble on like a fucking moron, like a clumsy goof.

Or show him the movie Babylon while he's doing it.

Don't show him Babylon at all.

It's terrible.

No.

Actually, I know what I'd do.

Doctor Strange, I would go to him for that materialist calf lengthening, shin lengthening search.

Oh, yeah.

I want to be tall.

He'd be like, by the eye of Agamato, make his calf longo.

And

it would happen.

Dan, I have a question for you then.

Maybe this should have been for Stuart.

What if you went to Doctor Mordred, which was a hastily renamed Doctor Strange movie starring Jeffrey Combs?

It was supposed to be a Doctor Strange movie.

They lost the license and they renamed the character.

But it's Stuart's favorite Jeffrey Combs playing Dr.

Mordred.

What do you think think about that?

Probably if I needed to be reanimated in some way, I would go to that doctor.

He knows about those.

Strange that with his doctor training, he didn't try to help Giorgio get a prosthetic penis to replace the one that was ripped off at some point.

He didn't get a chance.

Giorgio is so worked up.

That's true.

Worked up how?

I mean, did you see the movie?

He's got some crazy stuff.

Sure.

I guess that covers a lot.

He's shade, you know, but

it's doing a lot of work.

That worked up.

Stuart is dealing with.

There's a guy who's been chained in a basement for decades, and he gets losing his killing people.

And Stuart's like, yeah, he's pretty worked up.

Oh, man.

Somebody put a nickel in his hands.

He's hyper.

He's just a little hyper.

Somebody needs zoomies.

Somebody needs a nap.

Somebody needs a lie down.

Stuart,

what about Dr.

Strangelove?

What are you going to Dr.

Strangelove for help with?

I don't know, like bomb stuff.

I guess so.

That's pretty literal.

But that's not like a medical ailment.

Blown up by a bomb.

Oh, okay.

So, Strange Love, probably to remove the things I stuck up my butt that won't come out.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's, I mean, I wouldn't know if we would call that.

That is love of a sort.

I don't know if it has to be strange, but yeah, sure.

So he's

not going to come out anymore because I chose the wrong item, I guess.

I guess that makes sense.

And he does have a robot hand.

So that's exactly what you would want for extracting something from your rectum.

Yeah.

Dan, what about you?

Same thing for Dr.

Strangelove?

Yeah, yeah.

And, you know, to quote our friends over at Jordan Jesse go, without a base, without a trace.

So be safe out there, everyone.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's no end to it.

Yeah.

You could just, there's no stopping.

There's no thing that in your butt that naturally stops something from going too far.

Yeah.

You can just keep going.

Just keep going.

And then come on.

Yeah.

In that case, you don't need to see the doctor.

You already removed it yourself.

But in the most circuitous, painful way.

Yeah.

Oh, we've got a new entry into the list.

Dr.

Feelgood, the the Motley Crew video.

Who are you going to this doctor for?

Well, I think pretty much anything he advertises that will make me feel good.

He'll make me feel all right as well.

Okay.

I mean, all right feels like not as good as good.

Get some scripts.

He's coming down from feeling good.

Yeah, get some scripts filled.

Okay.

I think he also makes you feel out of sight, though.

So

I think.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Yeah.

I mean, out of sight's a great movie.

That's true.

If it makes you feel like the character's not out of sight, super suave, super sexy.

They always know what to say.

Even when something doesn't go their way, they're able to pivot and kind of deal with it.

They can fall in love in the middle of like a high-tension

situation.

A lot of people have hard trouble falling in love when they're locked inside a trunk that criminals are driving around the car of.

Yeah.

They can do it.

He's going to be your Frankenstein.

That's something that Dr.

Philgood would look like.

We got Lyric Genius on the case here.

So while he's looking at that, Stuart, what about Dr.

No?

What are you going to see Dr.

No for?

Yes.

Now, the thing about Dr.

No is it's also inconvenient.

You have to go to his base, which I believe is a volcano island.

Yeah.

And without that, without a trace.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep.

So

I would say.

Thanks, Dan.

I would say.

Because volcanoes are just the Earth's rectum.

Don't shove things in there.

It'll go right down to the center of the Earth.

Yeah.

I would go to him for some James Bond removal.

Okay.

That's a good.

I mean, he fails to do that, but, you know, he's got experience.

He's like the Washington General.

So I see.

I mean, he's committed to the job.

I'm glad Stuart picking up our theme from the last episode of referring to comedy shows that we watched.

Okay, how about, Dan, maybe this is more up your alley.

Dr.

Doolittle.

Now, his name says he doesn't do much.

Which one?

Well, that's a good question.

Which one would you like it to be?

I think I would go.

You get at least three choices.

Rex Harrison, famous asshole.

Eddie Murphy.

who's not doesn't I mean he's a more of a real doctor in it and or um Robert Denny Jr.

who in that movie, it's very hard to understand what he's saying at any given point.

Yeah.

Well, I was going to go Rex until you said he's a famous asshole.

Very difficult person.

Very difficult person to be Rex.

I guess I would go to Eddie Murphy then.

I hate to break him too, Danny.

He's a huge star.

Eddie Murphy's not a real doctor.

He just played a doctor in the movie, Dr.

Dula.

I feel like this was entrapment.

It was.

No, that's a different movie.

That's a different movie.

That's the movie where Catherine says, Jones's butt has to fight lasers.

We've talked about it.

What a more innocent time in American culture when you could have a movie become a hit just based off of a shot of someone's butt in a pair of pants sliding under a laser.

And that they sold that movie so hard on that one shot.

America's like, I got to see that.

I got to see that.

I think a lot of people thought that that was a multi-year multiple times.

No, just the one time.

Just the one time.

Yeah, they gave it away in the trailer, honestly.

Yeah, so

but that's what gets you in the door, you know.

So Dr.

Doolittle with Eddie Murphy, even though he would probably be distracted by these animals talking to him which i think is what happens in the movie well it's i mean he is a uh wait is he a veterinarian in i don't remember about the eddie murphy dr do little i mean in in the original he yes he's for sure i thought he was i thought he was an obstetrician in the middle of delivering a baby a dog or a bird or something just started talking to him yeah so i would definitely go for like animal problems like this is the most useful doctor of all of them i mean if you were a manimal it's the only doctor you really should see yeah because he understands both if if he can actually talk to the animals walk with the animals.

I mean,

here's the thing: walking with the animals, not that difficult.

Less impressive.

Most people can do that.

The talking with the animals, that's the hard part.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, Stuart, how about for you, Dr.

Parnassus

from the Imaginarium of Dr.

Parnassus, a movie I saw and remember almost nothing about.

Except that

Andrew Garfield's great in it.

Yeah, I'm going to say

I'm having trouble with my dreams.

Okay.

Okay.

Is that what the movie's about?

Probably.

Is that the game?

The game we're playing is guess what the movie's about.

No, no.

Yeah.

What medical problem would you use an imaginarium for?

Yes, it's a good question.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess if like you had some sort of psychosomatic disease.

Okay, that makes sense.

You need an imaginarium?

Muscular pain?

Now, here's not a doctor, but what if you needed a Wonder Emporium?

Would you go to Mr.

Magorium?

Oh, he's one of the top people for that.

Yeah, I was

everyone goes there.

In Los Angeles, he gets overrated.

In Los Angeles magazine, when they listed LA's top Wonder Emporium purveyors, Mr.

Magorium was pretty high up there.

So what about we're going to have, we're going to break for an ad after just a couple more, and we'll talk about a few more doctors.

But before we do that, I've got a couple more doctors.

Dan, who are you seeing Dr.

Caligari about?

What are you seeing that about?

You got a problem?

Dr.

Caligari is the only one who can deal with it.

What's your ailment?

I need a cabinet built.

That's what I'm doing.

This sort of carpentry.

So you think the movie is about him building a cabinet?

I can only assume.

So you're at Ikea.

None of these, you're like, I want something sturdy.

I want something that's going to last.

I'll get a custom-made cabinet.

He's a sonombalist.

He has a somnambulist.

He has

a somnambulist is the sleepwalker.

He's probably a somnambulistic.

So some sort of sleep dysfunction.

I mean, I have

a lot of people.

Dr.

Caligari could be really useful for you, Dan.

The only issue is you get the greatest night of sleep of your life.

You wake up so relaxed, but in the middle of the night, you do murder people while you're sleeping.

So, is that a trade-off to make?

So, wait, he's not making cabinets.

No, he's not making cabinets.

So, wait,

are you saying that Captain Corelli is not making mandolins?

I haven't seen it, so maybe

where did Guillermo Del Toro get his cabinet of curiosities?

These are good points.

Dr.

Caligari may have built that.

That's true.

Yeah.

Good point.

So,

let's leave that question to the philosophers of whether Dr.

Caligari builds cabinets.

Two more.

Stuart, what about Dr.

T from the movie The 5,000 Fingers of Dr.

T, the only original script that I believe Dr.

Seuss wrote.

It was produced as a feature film.

Okay, so I've never seen this movie, so I'm just going to have to base it on what little information you're throwing at me.

Okay.

But I would say

tummy problems.

Okay.

I mean, it's called the 5,000 fingers of Dr.

T, but you think his tummy is what he specializes in.

Well, that's what I need help with.

My tummy hurts.

Yeah, the T could stand for tummy.

That's true.

Or maybe it's Dr.

Tumness, and he lives in Narnia.

If I have a rumble and my gruma, grim grumble, that's what I'll go to him for.

Yeah, that's one of the main things he uses.

And now, Dan, what about Dr.

T from Dr.

T and the Women?

That's a different Dr.

T, I assume.

Dr.

T is a gynecologist, so I probably won't be going to that doctor.

I mean, that's a job you could use 5,000 fingers for.

Oh, God.

I'll refer people to that.

Oh, yeah, that one cooking.

So, Dan, you're not going to avail Dr.

T of his knowledge of the human body.

I mean, yeah, I guess if I needed gynecological advice like secondhand, I could talk to Dr.

T.

That makes sense.

That makes sense.

I'm going to take a brief moment from this nonsense to tell you about some real sense.

That's right.

Some real things that the Flop House has going on.

We've got some really exciting stuff that we want you to join us for.

Flop TV is back.

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Flop TV, baby, the online TV version of the Flop House live broadcasts once a month on the first Saturday of every every month from September through February.

It's season three of Flop TV.

Can you believe it?

We're on season three already, and we just have all these serialized stories and all these twists and turns, all these things that you're going to want to watch.

I'm just kidding.

We don't do that at all.

Instead, it's like a one-hour version of the Flop House, new presentations, new video segments.

We take questions from the audience, and most importantly, we talk about a bad movie.

Bad movies we've never talked about on the show before.

In September, it's going to be The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

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And in February, it is Plan 9 from Outer Space.

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Guys, are you as excited as I am about Flop TV Season 3?

Yeah, man.

I just sent over my first special report to our tech guru, Matt Carmen, who wrote back, very weird.

Good job.

Excellent.

Look forward to that.

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Go to theflophouse.simpletics.com for tickets.

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Guys, let's talk about some more doctors.

Yeah, why not?

Okay, let's talk about

let's let's check into the doctor.

Go see the doctor by Cool Modi.

Let's talk about doctors, baby.

Let's talk about doctors, baby.

So, getting back to some more movie doctors, what about Dr.

Moreau, the Marlon Brando version?

What are you asking Dr.

Moreau's help with?

Well, obviously,

he's talented in the arts of mutants.

Yeah, that's true.

I'd ask him about this pig nose that I have growing on my nose.

He'd be able to help you with that, but he might be hard to get clear information out of.

Could I get like a little version of me to follow me around?

You are in luck.

He specializes in that.

He's the only specialist for that.

So that's Dr.

Moreau.

He's an MD.

That stands for Mutant Doctor.

That's what he does best.

Here's an actress.

Mr.

Marguerite Moreau.

Sorry, this is the name of an actress.

It's not even...

I was about to be like, is that his actual name?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's really turning up.

Because we don't know his first name.

It could be Marguerite.

I don't know.

I'm just going to call him Marlon because it's Marlon Brando.

Here's, okay, what about Dr.

Detroit?

What do you see in this doctor for?

I knew this one was coming.

And Dan, before you say it, don't say prostitutes.

That is his main business.

Well, not his main business.

His main business is being a professor.

But he does have a thriving sideline as the protector of a bunch of

sex workers in the,

in, is it in Detroit?

No, he's from Detroit.

He's in Chicago.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's where we're going to be.

Do you think we're going to run into him?

Probably.

It's my understanding that he's a local character.

You just see Dr.

Detroit wandering around.

Yeah, yeah.

Sure.

He's like Emperor Norton.

He's the naked cowboy of Chicago.

Yeah.

I would say

I would go with style ideas.

Okay.

Clothing ideas.

A doctor of fashion.

I see.

That's what you're going to apart.

Yeah, I'd go to.

Doctor up my wardrobe.

Can I get a robot arm like your robot arm that you have

has a robot arm it's a weird goddamn movie like i finally watched it in full like maybe a year ago because i remembered

parents came over and you wanted to watch

guys you'll love this

uh

it is like unfiltered like whenever dan aykroyd like i think didn't have anything else to filter his ideas it something very weird and not that funny would result

but kind of fascinating.

I mean, I love Dan Aykroyd.

I just think he needs collaborators.

Or

obsessed with collaborators.

Interesting.

So Doctor Strangelove and Dr.

Detroit have more in common than I thought.

They both kind of have robot hands, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The one thing I did feel about that movie, though, is like, it's just more proof that like even not that good movies from the past look so beautiful compared to current movies.

Like it is shot.

beautifully for what a weird piece of nonsense it is.

Makes sense.

Well, the cinematographer was was El Greco.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

So that's why I'm beautiful, but the figures are all elongated.

Okay, that's Dr.

Detroit.

What about another doctor named after location, Doc Hollywood?

What are you going to Doc Hollywood for?

Plastic surgery.

I mean, he's a plastic surgeon.

That's what he does.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wouldn't go to him being like, you know, I don't know.

I've got an ulcer because I know.

He's still a doctor, but he's still a doctor.

He had to go to medical school or something.

Does he get a lot of plastic surgery jobs in the small town he crashes his car and gets stuck in?

I mean, he does have to pivot to sort of general practice.

Yeah.

Is that, I mean, I, but it doesn't, that's why that town is now known as the most beautiful town in America.

Yeah.

Because everyone, he just, he, they go in for an ulcer and then he puts them under, and when they come out, they've got bigger boobs or

their crow's feet are gone.

You know, guys, I had to look up who the cinematographer for Dr.

Detroit is, and it's someone

someone whose name is King Babbitt.

Baggett.

King Baggett.

It's a good name.

Like Maggot, but with a B.

Yeah, no, I got it.

Yeah.

Also, the director of cinematography for the movie Gotcha.

Oh God, you devil.

Revenge of the nerds, the last starfighter.

Oh, okay.

He was working steadily in the 1980s.

Some kind of hero, anyway.

So there you go.

Dane Baggett.

Well, if he's listening,

where are you now, King?

Dan, enjoyed your work on Dr.

Detroit.

Here's a different kind of doctor, although he's similar to someone we talked about.

What about Dr.

Mabuza?

Who, again, from the Fritz Lang films, the same name?

He is a gambler.

He is an eavesdropper.

He's a brainwasher.

What do you go to Dr.

Mabuza for?

Sort of if I need like sort of a Napoleon of crime.

Is that often?

Do you often find yourself in that situation?

Well,

no, but I feel like it's the sort of thing that if you need it, you want it to be there.

You're at your primary care physician.

He's like, oh, for this, I'm going to write you a referral.

But

just so you know, he's a little bit of a Napoleon of crime.

Yeah.

I'd probably go for some of that like spotless mind type treatment so that I forget stuff.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he'll have access to all your secrets, is the only thing.

That's fine.

Okay.

He's definitely going to use this to blackmail you.

Definitely.

Yeah.

I mean, I feel like tech companies are already doing that anyway.

That's true.

Yeah.

That's a good point.

Okay.

What about Dr.

I'd rather I'd rather support my local eavesdropper than some kind of world side batsu eavesdropper.

That's fair.

Yeah, the mom and pop eavesdropper.

Yeah.

Mom and pop surveillance state.

We're now firmly into the into the Mad Doctor section because here's Doctor X.

I don't know if you guys have seen that movie.

It involves someone who kills people after slathering himself in artificial flesh.

Oh.

Dr.

X is also the villain of the Queen's Reich record Operation Mind Crime.

And Operation Mind Crime Part 2 is voiced by the late, great Ronnie James Dio.

I don't think they're the same person.

I guess if I had like, you know, Severe Burns or something,

if he's an expert with this artificial flesh, that would be good.

Yeah.

What about if you just had George Burns?

George Burns.

Probably

some artificial flesh would be good.

Just, you know, melt some of those years off of old George.

That's fair.

And yeah, Stu, let's just say you're not hurt, but you just happen to get a bunch of artificial flesh from Dr.

X.

What are you going to do with it?

Yeah, I don't know.

He calls it synthetic flesh.

Burgers.

I mean, burgers is an obvious one, Dan.

Come on, I'm trying to think outside the bun.

So I would say

I would probably, you know, like set up a series of really hilarious pranks

involving all this synthetic flesh.

Yeah, just like a slip on a nose.

Just that slipping on a banana feel.

It's slipping on a nose.

What about, okay, next?

What about Dr.

Terror?

from the film Dr.

Terror's House of Horrors.

Now, I will mention you will have to go to a House of Horrors to see Dr.

Terror.

So what are you going to go to Dr.

Terror for?

Is that his given name or is that like, is that his actual last name or did he earn the movie?

In the movie, it's not his actual last name.

But let's say his name is

Dr.

Edward Terror.

Do they use that actual title in SC TV or is it like some play on that?

Like I remember

that being in part of the Joe Flaherty character, the Count Floyd.

That's what I'm thinking of.

Yeah, but I don't remember.

Okay.

Okay, so Dr.

Terror.

I would probably go for,

you know, I'm scared of a lot of stuff, so why not stuff to just calm me down, you know, scripts for some like

some anti-anxiety.

Yeah, thank you.

All right.

So he's telling you that.

I have been finding those very helpful this year.

Anxiety medicine.

I mean, I feel like if he's an expert at causing terror, he probably also knows how to

calm it down.

You're right.

You're right.

He's a master of terror.

So he also knows what the opposite of terror is, which is what you think, like kind of low-level gummies or something like that.

Yeah, that's the opposite of terror.

Okay, so you'll go there for your anxiety.

What about Dr.

Cyclops?

This is another kind of mad scientist character.

He shrinks people down.

Probably eye tests.

I was going to say the opposite.

I don't want to go to them for like an eye thing.

Like clearly something went wrong at some point.

But he probably spends so much time thinking about eyeballs.

So there's the old story where, so there's the old riddle.

You go to a town, you need a haircut for something.

There's two barbers in the town.

One of the barbers has a great haircut, the other has a real messy haircut.

Which barber do you go to?

Yeah, you go to the one with the messy haircut because he gets his haircut at the great barber's.

Well, he cuts the, yeah, because he is the great barber and he cuts the other guy's hair.

I was going to say the opposite.

Oh, boy.

So I have a lot of people.

I've definitely not gotten my haircut from a guy because he was wearing a baseball cap before.

Like, this doesn't bode well for me.

So he's trying to hide his hair and he wants to run his hands through mine?

I don't think so.

So with Dr.

Cyclops, is it the same thing?

You go to the guy with bad eyesight to get your glasses or the other way around?

Well, are they Ruby Quartz glasses?

That's a different Cyclops.

This is the Cyclops who shrinks people.

We go to them for a monocle for sure.

Okay.

Okay.

Fair point.

All right.

So for your monocle-based epistemology.

Switching from glasses to a monocle?

I don't know.

I feel like I've gotten past the point in my life when like affectations are something that attracts people.

Let me just tell you, you are wrong.

Why?

Because I think you are on the verge of the most affectation-based era in your life yet.

You're about to get there.

I think you're a couple years away from going from being a young affectation guy to being just a regular guy to being an old dandy who needs to, who needs to really, who's not afraid to set his style to extreme.

I think that will come an age.

We went to Governor's Island recently and I wore my Panbaugh hat because I'm like, I'm getting.

Dana Ma.

I'm getting to an age where, like, I, I'm, I'm almost there where it just looks normal to wear a hat, you know, because I feel like it looks normal on old people, and it doesn't look normal on any young guy, especially big, floppy hats that make more sense on old men than on young men.

But, Dan, I think you're almost there.

I can see you as becoming like an Edward Gorey-type figure, just kind of like if only

you could do it.

I think you could do it.

That fucking swagger.

You see that?

Have you seen what Edward Gorey looked like?

Oh my god, look him up.

I think you could pull it off, Dan.

It takes work.

It takes work, and you got to push past the haters and persist.

I think you can do it.

So that's what we're going to...

But we already talked about it.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

And we already talked about it.

Dan's fucking dripped out here.

It's crazy.

When you go to Dr.

Detroit's clothing advice, he's going to tell you this.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is amazing.

He's like,

who's the heavy metal artist guy?

Oh, damn it.

The fantasy artist.

Frizetta.

Yeah, Frisetta.

That's another one.

Yeah.

Frizetta looked incredible.

I don't know what that guy looks like.

This is another episode of Dan and Stuart look up pictures of guys.

Thank you

for looking at those pictures of guys.

While you're dealing with that, what about Dr.

Sadism from the movie The Torture Chamber of Dr.

Sadism?

Now, this is actually an adaptation of The Pit in the Pendulum.

It's also known as The Blood Demon.

And like Dr.

Terror, this is also a Christopher Lee.

movie.

Oh, okay, cool.

So what are you going to Dr.

Sadism for, Stuart?

Oh,

well,

he obviously,

I don't know, like, I feel like maybe a tattoo or something, something where he doesn't mind causing, or like, no, physical therapy, something where he doesn't mind causing like pain to me.

You need him to be a little tough on you.

Yeah, he needs to be a little rough.

He needs to really get in there and start cracking my bones.

That makes sense.

That makes sense.

What about the Mad Doctor of Blood Island?

That's another movie doctor.

What are you seeing the Mad Doctor of Blood Island for?

Probably something blood disease-related, right?

Well, no, he just is on Blood Island.

I don't know if that's his special.

Okay, here.

here.

So, yeah, the island title was named.

It was named for something else.

There was a massacre there or something.

I mean, like, if you go to someone, if you go to a doctor on Christmas Island, it's not like he only treats Christmas-related issues.

No, good point.

I'm acting foolish.

What would suggest such silliness to me?

Okay, well,

let's move past that then.

And the, let's go to, we've only got two left.

82 left.

We've only got 82 doctors left.

The next one, mulholland drive but when it's written sometimes it's just dr for drive so it looks like doctor so if we go to mulholland doctor for

uh well i got this real problem with a weird witch living behind my diner

the mulholland doctor is gonna be able to help you with that yeah yeah could you remove that could you just slice that off

that's the best part

does a lot of mad witch ectomies and also puzzle box ectomies.

If you have a puzzle box that's recreating reality when you open it, they're very good at doing that.

And finally, Patch Adams.

What are you going to Patch Adams for?

I am not going to go to that man.

Dan, it was a trick question and you aced it.

Yes, you do not go to Patch Adams.

That is a very good answer.

What if I have a broken funny bone, guys?

He's not going to fix it.

No, he just breaks it more.

That's the problem.

Guys, I think we've learned a lot today about doctors, about health.

This is a lot of information our listeners can use in their own lives, which is wonderful.

Sure.

Yeah.

This is like a last week tonight episode.

Yeah.

Today we're doing a deep dive on movie doctors.

So

listeners, we hope you enjoyed this nonsense that we've been pouring into your ears for much longer than we should have by this point.

This is the Flop House.

We hope you've enjoyed it.

If you have enjoyed it, please leave us a positive review wherever you want to.

Tell people about it.

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If you did not like this episode, I apologize.

We'll be back next week with a regular regular episode where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

We are part of the Maximum Fun Network.

Please take a listen to the other great Maximum Fun shows.

There's a lot of great culture shows, a lot of great comedy shows, and I know I get a lot of personal enrichment from being a Max Fun member and listening to those programs.

So I advise you to do the same.

I'd like to give a thank you to our producer, Alex Smith, who will hopefully have found some way to shape this into an actual episode that you can listen to, or at the very least, smoothed out the audio, I guess.

Alex Smith is also a creator in his own right.

He is online as Howell Dotty and he does podcasts and songs and he is incredibly talented and incredibly funny.

So I advise you to seek him out as well.

I would remind you that we will be in Chicago on November 16th at Sleeping Village.

Go to

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Thank you.

And go to theflophouse.simpletics.com to get tickets for Flop TV, which starts September 6th.

When this episode comes out, we'll be almost there.

It'll be almost time for the episode.

Or maybe it's the day of, I don't know.

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It might be.

It might be.

Who knows?

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Buy a ticket at theflophouse.simpletex.com.

Until then, thank you for joining us.

We appreciate it greatly.

Making this podcast is, I just can speak for myself.

I won't put words in Dan Stewart's mouth, is a delight and something I look forward to every time we record.

And it is very special and meaningful to me that it exists, that we get to make it, and that you're listening to it.

So, for the flop house, with a big thank you to you, the listener, I'm Elliot Kalen.

I've been Dan McCoy, I'm Stuart Wellington.

We'll be back next week, probably with more nonsense.

Bye.

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