#2236 - Protect Our Parks 13

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! Boys, boys, we're up.
Hey. Hey! Let's go.
Party. Headphones, you know how we do it.
Black guys can be gay now. What happened? Black guys can't be gay.
It's allowed. They were never allowed to be gay.
Well, I think the Diddy thing let it all out of the closet. Like, hey, what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Yeah, I need something concrete.
Wait, wait, I want to try this. I want to try this.
I want to try this. He's got a new recipe.
Hey, new recipe, new bottle on Bodega. What's the new recipe? Check it out.
Tastes just like Buffalo Trace. Well, I have Buffalo Trace right here.
He just poured out Buffalo Trace into Bodega Cat. Let me try it next to each other.
This is better for you. Oh, it's better for you? Yeah, Buffalo Trace is racist and homophobic.
It's got blood diamonds in it, too. Hold on.
Okay. Bodega Cat.
It's pretty good. Hey! That's pretty good.
That's different. New batch! It's different.
It's different. It's different.
You can tell the difference? It's better than the old one. Yeah, it's smoother.
Is that an official endorsement? Okay, now Buffalo Trace. Easy.
Oh, they win. You gotta do blind taste tests.
I'll take it. That's good, though.
Pretty good, though. That's an upgrade from last time.
I'm fucking around, kind of. This is good.
The Buffalo Trays is really good, but that's way better than the first version. Thank you! Bodega Cat's good.
If I got that at a bar, I'd be like, oh, this is nice. You know what's fun? We didn We didn't even change it.
I lied. Really? Ah, you see? Marketing.
Really? It's smooth. Lying work.
How do you not change it? No, we changed it. I was like, that doesn't make any sense because the first one was like, it kind of had like, the first one kind of had like a rushed taste to it.
You know, like if you're doing a gig in Cincinnati and, you know, they're not really using well whiskey. Yeah.
You know what I mean? You order a drink at the bar and you're like, what is this? It's a local low-level brewery. Yeah.
Distillery. Sorry.
Thank you. Hey, how about some stogies, huh, boys? I got some.
I got some right here, boys. I brought you guys some from fucking Cuba and then really they stole them at that

So great I was in full bucket bitch mode and shane's like whoa yeah I didn't know you had this trauma with them. Well, but yeah imagine being no imagine dealing with people's stinky feet and bullshit excuses

and then some giant you comes in with a gun lighter. Trying to get on a plane and you're like, no.
And he's like, what the fuck? He's got a dildo strapped to his dick. I was losing it.
I was like, I hope your wife gets raped. Fuck you.
I couldn't believe it. I was with Ari once when Ari farted on a TSA person.
I said, I just farted on you. No.
Yes, he did. No, 100%.
He was, this is like young Ari. Young Ari was even more crazy.
Young Ari was great. Young Ari was even more crazy, and young Ari was like, this is what you choose to do with your life.
This is what you choose to do with your life. Violate people's freedom.
This is what you choose to do with your life. He would never, he would never, ever let them put him through the cancer machine.
He only would get touched. So he would like, no, no.
I was getting swapped out by an Asian guy who goes, isn't this demeaning in your culture, what you're doing? Damn, young Ari was an anarchist. Oh, he was like uncomfortable.
I was like, Jesus Christ, Ari, I don't want to go to jail. So young Ari, what was that, 40 years ago? Rogan would constantly be calling 9-1 and waiting to get through.
Don't say 9-11 at an airport. Because I know Ari.
Ari's like one of those dudes, he has a switch. And when he crosses over to the other side, you're going to have to wrestle him out of that room.
He's going to kill somebody. I can't be reasoned.
I spazz. I spazz.
Well, it's just an extreme conviction. Yes.

He extremely believes in his convictions.

And when someone's doing something he thinks is immoral or unethical, he gets fucking furious.

The best one for TSA, you remember when they started going, like, state your name?

And I'm like, what?

Why is that a new one?

And it was only in some places.

And I was like, why?

And one guy at LAX was like, I'm like, why?

Why did I just say my name?

And he goes, because my boss wants to take more power than other people's. And I'm like, okay.
Alright, R. Shapir.
That's honest. Nice.
State your name. State your name.
I remember the old days, dude. When I first started traveling, you could give your ticket to somebody.
Yeah! You could just give your ticket to another person. Like, hey, I got a ticket.
If you want to stay here, do you want to go? That's awesome. And boom, you can get on a plane.
That's great for bitches. You're like, I'll find one of them.
I'll lock this price in. I'll lock this price in and I'll find a bitch.
You used to have to go wait with your girlfriend at the gate, remember that? Oh, you had to. Now you don't have to.
And you can meet them at the gate.

That's one good thing. That is one good thing.

That's one good thing.

It's a curb drop-off.

Because the gates would be packed with people waiting to meet their friends.

Now all those mutts, they have to be down there at the baggage claim.

People don't talk about the good that came out of 9-11.

Exactly.

I got recessed that day.

That's another one.

Oh, yeah.

That was a big day.

That whole area downtown has been rejuvenated.

Do you remember where you were? Yeah, it was in eighth grade. Bro, that area killed Donna Summer.
What? She got lung cancer from, I think it's lung cancer, some horrible lung disease from breathing in the toxic fumes from the burn pits. What? The government said there were no toxic fumes.
A lot of firemen will disagree. A lot of those people that had to clear out that area, they're all fucked up from chemical burns.
That fire burned for weeks down there. No Jews in the building.
Not one. A little fishy.
That's why TSA's up here. A text message, like a chat group that you guys are involved in? One Jew died.
He thought he had time to go back and close a deal. He closed a deal, though.
He closed that deal. He closed that deal.
Bro, 9-11 is the mother load of conspiracy theories. You will lose your life if you start going down the rabbit hole of Tower 7.
Oh, yeah. The best is Eddie Griffin with 9-11.
Because he is a conspiracy guy. He told us there was gold.

There was gold.

The trains never stop, motherfucker.

Yeah, he had a whole rant on stage.

The gold underneath?

The trains ran 24-7.

Like, what?

The trains ran?

Transporting gold out.

You're going to transport gold on the subway?

That seems risky.

Have you ever been on the subway, sir?

I transported a fucking box of human feces, and I was worried I was going to get mugged. Why'd you have that? For Big Jay's birthday.
It's an important gift. In his culture.
It's a blessing. I have shit in this Tupperware for you.
One of the wise men. Missed you guys.
He shit at stake. Missed you guys, too.
Missed you guys, too. We have too We have to save the world It's been too long Too long Shane's been busy Making a fucking way in the world Shane and I We're taking a piss And we're like Dude it feels like We're about to jump out Of a helicopter This is like Before we do this thing It's just like Let's go Let's fucking go I was in the car On the way here Just looking out the window Like I was so happy I.
It's a beautiful day, and we're going to ruin it in the studio in the dark.

It's always beautiful here.

I had to remind myself.

It's like, dude, we're day drinking with friends.

Yes!

Come on, man.

It would be nice, though, if you put a Toronto retractable roof in here.

Oh, that'd be cool.

That'd be a problem.

That's an engineering issue.

It's a safety and security issue.

Here in a lot of camp.

People could fucking parachute into the podcast.

Remember that guy parachuted into the Holyfield fight?

What?

Holyfield versus Riddick Bowe.

Wow.

The guy parachuted and landed in the ring.

And fucked the whole fight up.

Fucked the fight up because it delayed the fight by many minutes.

And then the guys cooled off.

I think it was late in the fight, too.

See, round seven. So here it is.
Round seven. He's think it was like late in the fight to see round seven So here it is round seven.
He's saying Mills Lane the referee saying stop He missed his ass beat He did not expect this save the world you asshole was this pre 9-11 yes Terror, no, they were just fucking that dude up. Oh the hang glider.
This was the 90s I believe I believe it was the early 90s. This episode is brought to you by zip recruiter Sometimes speed is a huge asset like in the ring or on the field being quicker than your opponent could be the difference between Winning and losing in the world of business It could be the difference between finding or missing out on your next great hire.
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Damn. They're all in there touching them for no reason.
Did I say what year that is, Jimmy? It had to be the 90s because I know I was living in New York. I think I was living in New York when this was happening.
Landing and immediately getting beat up. Did you see that white guy wearing the Howard University shirt? With the hat on? That was a bad hat.
Look at the hat on that guy. He's so fucking white.
Where the fuck is that white ass? Listen, man. Like J.D.
Vance. He's got to represent.
He was undercover. He was FBI trying to infiltrate.
He's like, I'm cool. Back then, you could wear blackface.
That's true. Yeah.
I mean, it wasn't that long enough. It was just called costume.
Long ago that, you know, Tropic Thunder was wet. What year was that? 2008? You can still do it if you control your invite list.
You see Jay Leno? He's in full blackface. What happened to him? Fell down a hill.
Getting hammered. Fall down hills.
I know. He's protecting those parts.
Apparently, he owed a hill some money. What was that? He fell.
That was a Chris Brown. I've fallen, bro.
He was at a hotel. He saw a fucking TGI Friday.
He's at the bottom of a hill. He said, I'm going to get a brewski.
Well, you've got to realize that guy was in a motorcycle accident like a year and a half or so ago. Fucked his knees up.
So he's probably very unsteady on his legs. And then before that, he was severely burned.
What? Yeah. Severely burned like three years ago.
They want him. Have you met him? No.
He's not a robust man. Like, he's a guy that if he fell off of a motorcycle, he's getting fucked up.
Oh, right. And he got fucked up.
So, to me, like, him falling and hitting his face on the ground. Jesus Christ.
Don't get that smile, though. Listen, that could happen to any one of us.
But if you're this guy, you probably can't stop yourself from falling flat on your face. Holy shit.
He's talking shit to death, dude. Yeah, he's tough.
He goes and gets pictures. He goes, yeah, you motherfucker.
Well, this guy rides a fucking motorcycle all the time. You're never gonna get me.
He rides a motorcycle all the time. Looks like a four-minute of mine.
He's got an eye patch. That's when he got severely burned.
What did the hill do? He really does look like a Bond villain.

Oh, too far.

Syphilis. That's the burn.

If you get that, so that was two years

ago, I guess. So if you get that

fucked up by a fire and then you fall on

a motorcycle and you break your knees,

what was his motorcycle injuries? Find out what

his motorcycle injuries. Man, that was

Bernie Sanders.

He just doesn't look like the same guy. He looks pretty frail now.
He never complains, though. 72.
Broke his collarbone, getting clothes lined in his vintage motorcycle. Clothes lined by wire strung across a parking lot.
What, he's driving through a Hasidic Jewish neighborhood? He's getting like Wiley the Coyote injury. And that's two months after the burns.
Actually, he was recovering from the burns where a fucking engine blew up in his face. What the fuck? I'll be 72 in four years.
The fucking guy, he keeps... Preemptive strike.
That's a good move. He's still out there turning wrenches.
He's fucking 70 years old working on these cars.

He's tough.

Everybody's complaining.

Everybody's a victim.

Not Jay Leno.

Jesus Christ.

He didn't protect our parks.

Oh, you can see a tire on his face.

That actually looks like a skin graft.

Oh, man.

Yikes.

Yeah, that's what that looks like.

Dude, Leno kind of rules for this.

Yeah, he does.

Look, the guy's out there.

I don't want to make a run.

Let him take over the Daily Show.

He's got a hell of a chin.

I don't have the balls to ride a motorcycle. He's got a hell of a chin, dude.
Yeah, you got that right. Damn.
Tough guy. Clean comics.
They're psychos. He was really good back in the day.
Oh, he was great. Really good in the 70s.
When I started, people were saying, obviously, everyone was like prior number one, and then like, who's number two was the only, and then they go, a lot of people said Leno. Leno was an edgy motherfucker when he was young but he wanted that job man.
We gotta realize what that carrot was to guys from that era if you have a chance to host the Tonight Show that is the end all be all fuck selling out Madison Square Garden doing stand up fucking HBO special. The Tonight Show was the spot.
You were the kingmaker. You were taking over Carson.
You were on the level

of Frank Sinatra. You guys would be friends

now. And there were like four jobs

back then for comics. Exactly.

You can make other comics. But that was

the job. If you were a guy coming

up in the 70s and then in the 80s,

that job was the fucking

ultimate top

position. Well, this is The Tonight Show now,

wouldn't you say? That's ridiculous, but I think it is. I, and you don't have to wear a suit, but no one's watching The Tonight Show.
Luckily, I didn't want this, right? Oh, this is The Tonight Show now. Oh, I get it.
This show. The difference is I'm not changing who I am to get this because I needed this, but I think that's what Jay Leno did.
Of course. I think he was an edgy, like, he was like leather jacket, fucking talking shit about people.
Yeah, man. He was good, dude.
You ever see him on Letterman when eating a hoagie? He's just sitting there eating a hoagie, fucking with Letterman. He was good.
Also, when he took over, he had a day where he's like, you fucking host today? He booked Michael Richards. He goes, I want you.
He was booking like weird, edgy people for his version of that show. And word.
He was a real comic. But I think that job just demands compliance.
You have to fit into that position. And then, you know, remember that Bill Hicks bit about him interviewing Joey Lawrence? Oh, Joey, you got a girlfriend? Yeah, well, no.
She thinks so. And then Jay Leno reaches in and grabs an Uzi and sprays his brains out.

I used to be a good cop.

He unloads the clip and reloads it, and his brains spray out into an NBC peacock because he's a company man to the bitter end.

Whoa.

Oh, dude.

That's funny.

I asked Jay Leno about that bit once.

What is it?

He had a weird response. He was like, yeah, he didn't want to do jokes for everybody.
I forget he talks like he's from the 20s, too. He's getting three Stooges injuries and being like, oh.
Norman, you and Leno should have a combo. He was a fun guy on the podcast because he was telling these crazy stories about old school shows that he did, like this mafia guy yelling yelling at a priest and Jay Leno was screaming and swearing.
It was wild. Wow, you know his old move before there were a bunch of clubs around in the late 60s he would go to a strip club put put 50 bucks on the bar and go if I bomb keep it And if I do well, just give me the 50 back Really true stories? Leno.
Wow, so he would not even be working for free. Leno rules.
Yeah. He just became a different guy to get that show.
That's really what it is. It happens a lot in LA.
That's the sitcom thing, man. You see it a lot with guys that are really good comics coming up and then they get on a show and they start being careful.
They start pulling back. You have a Netflix show.
It's different. Yeah, I'm all right.
That's a different animal. Yeah.
It's the opposite. But also, he went in dice style where he's like, I'm going to be me.
And they're like, we're signing you for you. Smart.
So he can keep being him. Yeah.
It's possible to keep being you, but it's very difficult. Most people, they get trapped by the fucking siren song and the banshees lead them into the rocks.
Thankfully stand-up is always the most incentive that's the most incentive yeah you could possibly have. It should be but it just is but people that are really captivated by the idea of having a show for them it's like the ultimate I made it I have my own show.
Stand-up is so much easier. So much better.
So much better. I remember when I found out how much money people would make doing stand-up, like if they sold out a whole weekend at the Irvine Improv.
I was like, that's what I get at a comedy club. What they get at a comedy club is what I get on sitcoms.
A season. No, no.
An episode. Close.
No. Shane, Shane, Shane.
Not the Irvine Improv. It's a different time.
What you're doing is a different thing. No, no, no.
For sure. A long time ago, no one was doing the Wells Fargo.
We couldn't even get free tickets to the Wells Fargo, bro. Relax.
But you remember when you first started selling out comedy clubs, you're like, oh, my God, this is like sitcom money. Adding shows.
It's teacher money. Yeah.
Teacher for the year money. Yeah, for a whole year.
Yeah, what a teacher gets in a whole year, you get in a weekend being drunk. Big drunk.
That might be a problem. That's kind of a problem.
It's not though because it's hard to get there. They could do it too.
You don't like teaching? Put together an act. It just takes 13 years and build up.
That's the thing. The reality of comedy is it really takes 10 years to be any good.
It's like a 10-year process. It's funny to see the friends from high school go from like, oh, that's cool also like, I feel sorry for him.
We're all trying to get big in the business and always like barely able to afford McDonald's and then like as you start, oh, he's doing okay and then like either like hell yeah or jealousy, like why do you get this? Oh yeah, there's a lot of that. It's poor for two decades.
Well, you know where the real jealousy comes? From people that don't have any growth in their profession where it's not possible. Like this is the height of you can maintain this and you need to budget your lifestyle and you'll be fine but there's no dream there's no chase there's no thing so when they see a guy like you chasing stuff putting together specials getting more popular oh my god he sold out what oh that's crazy that that sort of like fucks with people because they realize like they didn't make a choice that's exciting you gotta grow you hear that jamie you're gonna sit on the table forever jamie's looking mexican as fuck now yeah you look good jaimey vernon is uh i thought he looked more persian oh yeah he could pass as anything brother like a rug oh cause he got that long hair too you look good look good, dude.
Let's not go crazy. Ponytail mustache.
What does that hat say? I don't know. It was in my house.
Waga house. What is that? I don't know.
They sent it to me. I think it's Aaron Rodgers.
Oh, okay. Camo.
J-Mo, pull that up. Is that Aaron Rodgers? Actually, don't pull it up.
I think it's Aaron Rodgers. Speaking of Jets, 9-11, we brought it back.
Hey, that's the weave.

That's the weave.

We brought it back to the weave.

That's like my black ex.

Ari, you're sitting in the Trump seat.

How's it feel?

God, the Jets suck.

It feels powerful, bro.

Yeah, you can feel it.

Yeah, give me some Bushidos.

He's got a big fat ass.

He does have a thickie.

Big, big rump.

And that McDonald's apron?

Giant rump.

Oh, I got to have a dick off of Trump.

Is the RFK Jr. saying that he was complaining about what he eats? He's like, you get on the plane with him and it's garbage.
It's poison. It's all.
You either have KFC or McDonald's. Think of Trump in there just like, shut up.
Yeah, he's like, you have KFC or McDonald's. Those are your two options.
RFK talks about Trump the way I talk about DeRosa. It's like, stop with the shots already.
Having a good time. Come on.
It's my birthday week. Do a shot.
One shot. They're talking about RFK for the HHS role.
What is that? Health and Human Services. Well, you're on a plane with a guy eating poison.
And he's running the whole world. It's a tough sell.
You need Susan Powder to run that. It's like, maybe I should eat poison.
He's doing great. I had Fruit Loops today.
I just feel RFK mad at me when you eat cereal. You had Froot Loops? You got to buy them from Canada.
Yeah. Go to Froot Loops.
Use a VPN and get on a Canadian Amazon and have them shipped across the seas. You ever heard RFK talking about his son taking mushrooms? What? Pull it up.
Oh, it's wild. He was like, I thought these were all drugs, and then I saw him get better.
He's the voice of a generation. His son, the one who served? I don't know.
He goes, he all the time, and he'd get into arguments and hockey, and then took these drugs, and he's a cooler person. I had to look into it.
One of his sons went and fought for Ukraine. He's like a machine gunner in Ukraine.
I didn't know that. You can go do it.
They'll let you go over there. Nah, they don't want me.
Just get half fit. Do five chin-ups.
You can watch it. I've been watching.
They'll send you right over there. You can watch the war.
Oh, yeah. Fill it up.
It's crazy. Now you don't want to watch it.
It's weird. It's like trench warfare.
It's like five on five. Let's see it.
It's weird. Whoa.
Like Iowa basketball? Would you go? Yeah. No, you're watching it the same way people watch those little fucking, what are those little cameras called? What are those things called? GoPros.
GoPros. It's like GoPro footage of a guy doing a BMX trail.
Shaky. Yeah, it looks like that.
Yeah, it's like a guy's running down the trail shooting people in a pit. What? You don't want to see it.
And the drones are shitty. You're right.
They're like little shitty drones you see at like a park. They're suicide drones.
Yeah, and you just hear them. They shoot down.
They just land on you and blow you up. Damn, man.
We got it good. There's a video of a guy throwing his AK at the drone, and the drone explodes in the air and saves him.
And he saves him. Yeah, saves him.
But for now. Different kind of warfare.
If we're talking about it, what are we doing over there? Yeah, pull out. Cut it out.
Meanwhile, what is Biden doing allowing Ukraine to launch long-range missiles into Russia? Trying to go out with a bang. I love when these presidents do something last minute that they know is going to get reversed.
They're just like, here, I'll throw this in. No, they did it.
I know, but he's like, I'm done. He fucking did it.
I'll just wait until the next guy comes in and has to change it. He's messing, and he's trying to make it messy for Trump.
Well, it's not just messy. It might be a war.
It might be the end of the world. It could be the end of the world.
It could be a hot war where they could suspend this changing of the guard too who knows what the fuck could happen aren't they just trying to occupy russia just keep them occupied is that the deal i don't know if you've got shit if you've got a guy that's coming in that wants to find all the corruption and find what happened during 2020 and find out who colluded and check emails and check there's a lot of incentive to do some wild shit to keep him from taking that position. I know that's super tinfoil, Hattie.
I mean, it's not Hunter. Why was Hunter at Burisma? Right.
Good question. What does that mean? What are those terms? Hunter, Biden's son, was working for Burisma, which is a huge company in Ukraine.
He was making millions of dollars for a job he was completely unqualified for. He was on the board of an energy company in Ukraine while he was, I think it was while he was on crack.
How about that crazy speech where Biden is on stage with a couple of guys and he's talking about how he fired the prosecutor. He got the prosecutor fired or they wouldn't have got the money.
See's see if you can find that because this is it's so crazy this guy's ego is so nuts that he said this publicly just to flex he's basically just explaining the power that he had as vice president while his son was working for Burisma and he's expressing it publicly and it should be a crime it's like what you're saying sounds like doesn't sound like what I want from the president sounds crazy yeah but for a crackhead he got a lot done he was going wild yeah that boy was going wild a lot of hook I actually I'm coming around on Biden a bunch of nice well hunter rule Joe... Well, Joe, first of all, if you think it's Joe's idea to launch those missiles, there's

no fucking way.

Joe has nothing to do with that.

Joe had a giant smile on his face when he was sitting there with Trump.

Giant smile.

Did you see Gaffigan's joke about...

That is apparently, yeah.

Gaffigan's joke about...

He goes, there's only a couple Democrats that don't like Kamala and it's Joe Biden's family. So play this so we can hear it.
Start from the beginning. Uh-oh.
A billion dollars. No, I said, we're not going to give you the billion dollars.
They said, you have no authority.

You're not the president.

The president said, I said, call him.

I said, I'm telling you, you're not getting a billion dollars.

I said, you're not getting a billion.

I'm going to be leaving here.

I think it was about six hours.

I looked.

I said, I'm leaving in six hours.

If the prosecutor is not fired, you're not getting the money.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Got fired.

And they put in place someone who was solid at the time.

Thank you. Oh, son of a bitch got fired and they put in place someone who was solid at the time So this is our reference prosecutor.
He was very very sharp But he was younger he was still full of shit, but he was sharp. Yeah, what was that in reference to? See if you can paylers about they said it was a corrupt prosecutor.
Well, that's the thing about Ukraine.

They keep trying to get their own guys. Ukraine, whatever.

Ukraine's corrupt as fuck.

Yeah.

Always has been.

Yeah, Zelensky.

Always has been.

He owes us a lot of money.

He owes me money.

That's not a big deal.

Yes.

Billions.

Tucker told me they had a deal, a ceasefire in place in the UK and the US.

We're like, nope, no ceasefire.

Keep it going.

Ugh.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, boy, what about Gaza?

Ukraine.

Uh-oh.

Ukraine.

Jesus Christ. Oh, boy, what about Gaza? Ukraine.
Ukraine. Son of a bitch.
I like that, Ukraine. Yeah, you guys, come on, man.
That's a mess. Call it off.
Call it off the dogs. Just give back those people and just everybody chill out.
I bet those people are all dead, dude. No, they just got a couple more back.
Oh, really? Yeah, the women, they're trying to impregnate all the time, so they've got tasks. Well, still, you you got you know can't blow up much kids.
Yeah, so just give that shit back. I know but also, you know Yeah, I know everybody's shitty there Pushed out Ukrainian prosecutor because he didn't pursue corruption cases So whistleblower complaint centering on President Donald Trump's phone call with Ukrainian president spur spurred a number of allegations and counter allegations as Republicans and Democrats jockey for position amid an impeachment inquiry at the heart of Congress probe into the president's actions.
It is his claim that former vice president and 2020 Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden strong arm the Ukrainian government to fire its top prosecutor in order to thwart an investigation into a company tied to his son, Hunter Biden.

But sources ranging from former Obama administration officials to anti-corruption advocate in Ukraine say the official,

Viktor Shokin, was ousted for the opposite reason Trump and his allies claim.

Of course they say that.

It wasn't because Shokin was investigating a natural gas company tied to Biden's son. It was because Shokin wasn't pursuing corruption amongst the country's politicians, according to a Ukrainian official and four former American officials who specialize in Ukraine and Europe.
That sounds like a convenient narrative. I don't know what's true, but that sounds a little convenient.
Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.
He was fired because he wasn't investigating corruption we we insist that they investigate corruption in other countries and if they don't we won't give you the money in fact we are so ethical that if we don't look at your papers and find zero corruption you don't get the billion dollars well son of a bitch they fired him well shut the fuck up. What am I, a child? You think I'm a child?

It works. Well, Trump's gonna pardon him.

They're all doing it. Which one? It's just government.
Hunter. Is he? Yeah, he said that.

It's just government. They're all fucking

bullshits. Let Hunter out, dude.

Free my man. Imagine that guy being your dad.

You'd do crack too. You'd be out there.

Get wild. Getting foot jobs.

Filming it. Leaving it on a laptop.

These guys lost.

Also, when you're making millions of dollars for a job. You really shouldn't have you go wild of course Yeah, especially if you're a coke

Yeah, Kim Kardashian go wild you go fucking wild stand up comedy

Let me drink I'm making so much money. Let me drink before work.
Tony Inchcliffe has four thrones. He has a lot of thrones.
He has a green crook. He has way more thrones than anyone should have.
He gets thrones made. I'm thinking of getting a new throne.
It's tough, dude. Don't get me started on that fucking shit.
But we need thrones. We should get four thrones that we only use in Protect Our Parks.
That we reel in for this. How about that?

That's fun.

How about that?

What should they look like?

Like a mid-Somar thing.

Put a toilet in it.

Oh, that's not bad.

You have to get up.

That's not bad.

I'd love a toilet in there.

Are we shitting it?

It'd be just like a bus.

Don't shit on the bus.

People, we don't be shitting the whole time.

You got that right.

Just look at each other in the eyes.

Can't talk baby. That'd be terrible.
You already shit in a box. What are you talking about? You shit on stage at Skankfest.
No pissing today. Dude, I went into a public bathroom yesterday at a football game, and this guy shit so bad that as I walked in, I could barely hang on.
I was like, oh, no, it was a big bathroom, like six, seven stalls. Wait, you went to the UT game? No, no, it was a high school game.
Oh. What? What? You're not allowed there.
It was fun. High school football is fun.
It was fun. So anyway, it was fun.
Take a hot cocoa for $2. It's fucking fun, man.
Watch some shitty snapper get replaced halfway through. And they play good.
They play good. I'm getting into football.
I used to be Fairfax Eye. Football fucking rules, dude.
You'd see people get swapped out. I'm enjoying Notre Dame football.
I'm enjoying football games. You'd be such a good Notre Dame fan.
I'm enjoying it. But the point is, this guy's shit.
Big army game today. We need the NIL.
We need your NIL. Hold on a second, Joe.
Let's talk business. A big public bathroom.
The moment I walk in, I was like, oh, I can hold it. I was like, no, I can hold it.
His shit was so bad that in a big bathroom, it just overpowered the whole bathroom. One dude.
Football bathrooms are up there with like JFK airport dumps. Airport dumps.
Airport dumps are bad. Some guy from fucking Senegal lands.
Exactly. Just a bad camel he ate before he took off.
Smuggling and worms. Hold on, you'll like that.
JFK I had an all time. Me and O'Connor were at JFK.
We landed and got drunk. We got drunk at the Buffalo Wild Wings.
Oh, yeah. It was on a Sunday.
So we were watching football and we got hammered. But we started fighting.
We always fight about shit. He's a liberal dude.
He loves blueski. We were getting fucked up arguing about that.
And then in the middle of the argument, I went to go. This episode is brought to you by Intuit TurboTax.
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America's Coffee. Take a piss.
And it was a wet floor. I just fell on the ground at the JFK airport.
He'd do Leno's. Oh my God.
Other people's piss. I was laying in the bathroom at JFK and he walked in.
We had just been fighting. This is an argument loser.
Yeah. You know what I mean? You can't be laying on the floor in a bathroom and be like, actually, I know what I'm talking about.
Obviously, I'm the biggest piece of shit that's ever lived. Yeah, you lose no matter what.
Yeah, if you fall at JFK, you're... Like, what's soaked into your clothes? Oh, you go to those public bathrooms and the floor is just soaked.
Soaked. You walk in and you're like...
High school full? I was the mascot for my high school. No way.
What was it? Which kind of outfit? I was a Cavalier. What's that? It's a big head.
It's like a pirate. Oh.
And I got fired the first game. Oh, no.
Why? Too many puns? It was when this was big. You were doing Suck It? I was doing Suck It and they let me go.
The Suck It? You were hitting Suck It as a Cavalier? That was huge. That's very nice.
Cavalier. It's funny when you find out that Hinchcliffe was a fucking umpire in high school baseball.
What? Really? What? Wow. Hinchcliffe can wrestle.
Hinchcliffe can wrestle. He can wrestle.
He really can wrestle. He had a wrestling match with David Lucas on stage at the fucking After Hours.
That's how you were there. Yeah, he fucked David Lucas up.
David Lucas is like 300 pounds. Damn.
Hinchcliffe can fucking wrestle. He can wrestle.
He did a duck under, got behind him, pushed him onto his back. David Lucas was scrambling, trying to get to his feet.
Hinchcliffe was controlling him. He was furious.
He was the top. He couldn't believe it.
Tony was the top. There you go.
Yeah, y'all like it. David was out of breath in four seconds.
Wow. There was four seconds of exertion, and he was ready to have a heart attack.
Let's go ahead. He's got the Lizzo body.
Tell that fellow. I've got to clean that up.
Hinchcliffe.

He almost lost the whole election.

No, he gained him votes.

They were gonna write stories.

They had stories already written that if the election went to

Kamala, they were gonna blame

Tony Hinchcliffe.

A bunch of different media outlets.

It would have been the funniest.

It's so funny how they thought Latinos

just hadn't made up their mind yet. And this was enough to sway.
They're just a bit racist. Well, yeah.
The Democrats. Not fully, but a bit.
Latinos are a big group. They act like it's like just so hard.
You make fun of Puerto Ricans. The rest of them are going to be like, yeah.
Nice. It's as if you say if you make fun of Staten Island, the Bronx will be like, how dare you? Right.
Exactly. But we make fun of Russia.
We're white. We're not like, hey, don't fuck with Whitey.
It was embarrassing. It was also, it was so lame to be going after that so hard when there's so much wrong with the world.
Well, they're out of stuff. Literally every major city is failing under opioids and homelessness.
It's just bad advice. It's just bad advice from the beginning.
Like the very beginning is bad advice. Hey, I mean, listen.
It's like the New York Giants. You're putting some fucking local kid at quarterback.
He's going to do the best he can. Some lady came in with two months to go.
Like, I don't know. Try your best.
Oh, yeah. Is it true that she got put in because Biden endorsed her as he was leaving and that that wasn't initially the plan? I've seen that.
I've read that several times. I thought he, like, refused to endorse her for a while.
Right. Because her for a while.
Because she pushed him out. But then once he did, he found out allegedly, this is what I had read, that they wanted to do a primary, but Biden said publicly, I'll just endorse Kamala.
He didn't think that Kamala could win. This is the allegation.
So he was like, fuck you. Look at his smile on his face.
I think it's DEI. I think nobody can tell a black woman she can't be the one.
But the smile's insane. But a primary can tell you.
I heard about it. I haven't seen it.
If she crumbles in the primary the way she crumbled in the primary for president, then if Gavin Newsom or Josh Shapiro, whoever it is that gets the words over on her, that person emerges naturally. Right.
It's just like she fucked up. She's just not good.
It has nothing to do with anything else No, I talked to a lot of liberals and they're like this isn't our this isn't our guy

We wish we could have gotten our guy. You know what's real nice what the left is the conspiracy people now

They're like this election was rigged and Trump faked an assassination

I've heard them talk about how the right is created

I've heard them talk about how the right has created a billion dollar internet ecosystem of podcasts

All right, but imagine that but imagine that like is if there's some fucking grand conspiracy

Where a bunch of people just speak freely?

So the right has organized this and he was comparing it to like radicalizing

Islamists Literally comparing it to like young confused Islamists. Wow.
He was literally comparing it to like young, confused people get radicalized. And his take on it is that they could be brought towards feminism.
No, we're just trying to sell tickets. I will say, woke politics has extremely helped all of us here.
Hear, hear. Woke politics has been very beneficial.
Them coming after us has just raised us up hella. It also makes you realize you have to say something.
You have to say something because they're so insane. You did that on purpose, dude.
You're a cocksucker. He says hella and he says it fucking wrong.
No, no, I said it right there. Come on, you boomer.
How does he say it? He doesn't know. He's East Coast.
I'm West Coast. Yeah, whatever.
You're taking, what, Oakland slang? You live in New York. Yeah, but I have ties.
You're from Maryland. No, no, no, for a long time I became a man in LA it didn't work.
That's my virginity there You lost in the tunnel. How old were you when I met you are you like 24? I was 24, but the development of a fucking 16-year-old.
You were an odd fellow. 24? Just out of religion.
I didn't know anything. Well, those old photos of you, you were hideous.
How old were you the first time I took you on the road? 27, 28. Jeez, what was it, 81? But that 28 was like, really, it was like 22.
Wow. I was just undeveloped.
Because of the Diaz story. Oh, yeah, Diaz just wouldn't.
He wouldn't show up, so you had to hire. So you had to hire him as a backup.
So instead of just firing your opener who just wouldn't come. Joe would be at the airport.
Be like, Joey, where are you? He goes, off. I'm almost there.
In bed, not even getting out of bed. And then eventually Joe was like, I don't have an opener again.
Instead of just firing Joey, he goes, I guess I'll take two people now. Wow.
So it's either one or two, depending on if Joey showed up. It was too much fun when Joey showed up.
It really was. And I knew, I had a good friend who was a junkie in New York, my friend Johnny.
And he died. Johnny the pool player? Yeah.
He was my best friend. And he died after I was only out here for a couple years and he died.
Out in L.A.? Yeah, I was in L.A. And I'd met Joey while he was still alive and I was like, this is the same guy.
He's the same kind of guy. Get it while you can.
I knew the type. I missed Johnny so much after he was gone.
So I was like, whatever I have to do to keep this guy around. Joey's still used.
He's not used anymore. He's way healthier.
But back then he was like, the end was in sight. He was using in a crazy way.
What was he using? Coke. Okay.
And a bunch of other stuff. One time he was like, yeah, I did crack for six months.
I'm like, why? Because the Coke dealer was out of the way home, and the crack dealer was on the way home. It was just easier.
Joey was off the rails. But if he loved you, he was your best friend.
He was one of the best friends you could ever have if he loved you yeah And so I was like I got to do whatever I got to do so I didn't want to push him So I would always tell him you know if you ever need help. I'll help you He knows I don't need no fucking help, but when we would go on the road if he would just not show up I would say listen Anytime you want to go on the road with me you you're going to get paid.
You can work with me anytime you want, but I'm going to bring another opening act. The buffer.
If you don't show up, in Joey's defense... Thank you, Joey, for being such a cokehead.
In Joey's defense, it was only like three times over the course of like ten years. It was like three times.
Not that bad. I thought it was every other weekend.
But it was like big weekends. You know like I was headlining at Rascals in New Jersey.
I was like shit. This is a big one.
This is a big one. And then they had to use a local guy.
So it's like and I was thinking I was going to hang out with Joey and I'm hanging out with this guy. Which is half of the fun of being on the road is being on the road with your friends.
Of course. It's literally half.
One time we were going to Pittsburgh and I had booked a commercial. I was like, dude, I got to miss a Thursday show.
And Joe was like, fuck that. No, dude, you can't do that.
Like, we had a thing. And I was like, I need this for insurance.
And he's like, no, fuck that. I'll just use somebody local.
And then he's like, this city smells like suicide. Come down.
The local was terrible. What was the commercial? Can we watch that? Was it Activia? I think it was, I don't know which one it was.
IBM maybe or something. Oh, wow.
That's been funny. I used to do a lot of them.
Commercials were big back in the day. Yeah.
Everybody wanted a commercial first that was like attainable. If you got a commercial, you paid your bills.
It was a substitute teaching or dog walkers. If you got on a sitcom, that was the holy grail.
Gaffigan was the Hemi guy. Remember that? No, no, no.
That was John Reap. Oh, sorry.
Reap. No, but Gaffigan did like 80 commercials.
He did a ton of commercials. Well, he's got that squeaky clean.
New special out. First special on Hulu.
Oh, nice. Is that right? Hularious.
Hularious. Yeah, I was going to say.
That's Hulu. Why don't you let that? Let not comics choose how they're going to comedy promote.
How about just Hulu Comedy. Shut the fuck up.
Like, don't Do that. Don't do that Don't go all up in your business.
Is Joey comedy's Hunter Biden? Ooh, maybe. He's a completely unique human He's not anybody's anything.
He's a one of a kind. Sweet guy.
He's the best. And he's great now Still amazing on stage.
He B borrowed $200 to me when I was starting and I didn't have it. And he's like, I borrowed $200.
But it was like, this is bullying for sure. And then I gave it to him.
I'm like, okay. I had to be like, all right, at least I'll never have to give that to him again.
And then four days later, he's like, here you go, thanks. Whoa.
I'm like, oh, okay. I guess we're not some big friends.
That's a setup. Can I get a thousand now? And then he vanishes.

It's when he's going back

to Colorado,

he gets a thousand out of you.

So he just can't vanish.

He got a hundred.

You know he's giving it back to you.

Joey's the best.

He's doing sets again

around town.

Beautiful.

All over Jersey.

Yeah, he was supposed to be here

for a weekend in December,

but I think he canceled.

You don't say.

I think he was on out

for a couple days.

It's like he wants to, when he's here, he's back in the flow of things he realizes how much he misses it But it's hard to get the energy to fly to another state And he's so fat It's gotta be tough. It's not he's been fatter.
He's not so bad. Oh, bro.
He got Yeah, he's fine when I met him. He wasn't fat at When I met Joey, he was like a linebacker.
He was fucking huge. He was like this big guy, like intimidating guy.
He was thin, like big barrel chested fucking dude. And then when he got fat, he got really funny.
That's literally what happened. He stopped giving a fuck about being on TV.
He's like, this is a pipe dream. It's never going to happen.
Stopped giving a fuck about being in movies. And he just started being himself.

He would do the Cuban egg roll.

He'd get a towel from the back that the handyman used to use.

And he'd use it as a cape.

And he'd go, dun, dun.

And he'd just walk.

And he'd just shake his pants down.

Big influence on me.

He'd shake his pants down.

His dick would pop out.

His pants never fit right because his belly would push his pants down.

Push them down, yeah.

Did you ever see the album that I've recorded in, like, 1999? I took a bunch of pictures of Joey, and they're in the album sleeve, and one of them is Joey buck naked with combat boots on. I think he has Timberlands on, and he's got a cape.
Cape. And he's got this cape on, but he's completely naked.
It was inside the album cover. His big belly, hog hanging out.
That's great. That was fun.
We used to be- We were allowed to show a guy's dick inside of a CD cover back then. Right.
He did it on a man's show. He came out naked.
More like ED. Well, we did two versions.
Comedy Central insisted that we do one where Joey wasn't naked. We did it.
It was fine. And then we did it with Joey came out naked and like let's get this party started.
It was huge everybody died laughing I'm like yeah listen to me Let's try just a man in clothes coming out You were gonna do a Joey show it today you could not do it with any sort of a network or corporation

You'd have to do it like Gillian key style or you're in control of it. Like imagine

OnlyFans dad imagine someone giving you

Production notes on OnlyFans dad

Production notes show me OnlyFans dad Jamie go to OnlyansDad. You gotta figure out a way to tell him that...
Oh my god. That's such a visceral laugh.
Wow, he's like the Rizzler. Like a Rogan with a small head.
He looked exactly like the Rizzler. Go to OnlyFansDad.
Was that a fun gig? No, we can't. It wasn a disaster.
Jamie, don't show Mike. It was a disaster.
Really? Yeah, because it all happened right around the same time that the Janet Jackson nipple thing happened. So everybody panicked.
And a bunch of stuff that we had gotten approved. A bunch of ideas.
What was wrong with that? Doug had some ridiculous ideas. FCC came in hard.
They blurred his cock. Everybody was in a panic.
They're worried. It was just the mindset in Hollywood.
It was like toned down all the outrageousness. You can get in trouble.
By the way, not even that great a nipple. I didn't think her nipple was out.
I thought there was a Pacey on it. No, it was a nipple.
Pull it up. They showed the actual nipple.
I think. I would have remembered.
Me and my friends stood up and cheered. It was a huge scandal.
If it was just a Pacey, that's crazy. Yeah.
I swear it was just a Pacey. It was a nipple ring, I think.
Oh. There was no ring.
Let's see it. Don't show it on screen.
Let us see it. Show it to us.
It's a ring. Oh.
That's a nipple. That's a nipple size shit.
That's a real nipple size. That's a black nip.
Let's go. That'll ring.
She's got a crazy sun on that. That's a hypnotic eyes wide shut ring.
I like it. Look at that.
They made it set up. Fucking moron.
You can see how it's got snaps. But why would you have a tearaway? That was a Super Bowl, right? Yeah, Super Bowl.
Because they wanted to show some titty. Damn.
Let's go. Let's have some fun.
I thought my mascot job was bad. So that freaks so many people out that they stopped anything controversial.
It was a quarter second. Ooh, look at Kylie or Kendra or whatever the fuck her name is.
The Kardashian. Mark's just hard.
She's the hottest Kardashian, I think. Oh yeah, I think so.
You've got choices? Well, there's so many of those whores. Kim looks like an alien.
Kim looks like a full alien. Does she? She still looks good.
It's made in a lab. Is that because you know what she used to look like? No, I saw a picture of her on a billboard.
I'm like, what the fuck is that? And someone's like, that's Kim Kardashian. No, she's pretty.
Pretty, but like it's like an AI. She's hot, but she still looks like made in a lab.
I'll call Pete Davidson right now. He was inside those guts.
Didn't he like burn her name on his arm or some crazy shit? Oh boy. I have no idea.
Pete's all together. That sounds like a good move.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a holocaust.
My bad. Two weeks later, you go, fuck.
I don't know what I was thinking on that one. Yeah, and don't get any tattoos of ladies.
I think Johnny Depp got Winona, and then he changes to Wino. Yeah.
He got one on his fingers, too. Yeah.
Johnny Depp fucked Winona? Beck fucked Winona, too. No way.
Buck read a whole album about her. Beck was.
Oh, Beck. Sea Change.
It was all about her. Damn.
Forgot about Beck. What do you guys say? I don't know any of this stuff.
Yeah, Sea Change was all about her. He said he couldn't write it for two years after he broke up with her.
Jesus, boy. Everyone knows your name or something like that It's all about like, you fucked everyone in this town.
I gotta deal with this. Whoa.
Oh, boy. It was one of the greatest albums of all time.
Come on. Yeah, no, it really was.
We've never heard of it. An amazing breakup album.
Beck's a weird one. Scientologist.
Yeah, he's a Scientologist. Whoa.
Is he? Yeah. Yeah.
Me and Bobby went to see him at a Scientology show in Hollywood. What's that like? I mean, it was just about the music, but only Scientologists and me and a fucking hooker fucker were.
I bet Scientologists were a good time, though. They were great.
They were probably nuts. They were great.
They have to be. Yeah.
You know the guy who wrote it. There's video of him.
L. Ron? Really? There's video of him.
He was a fucking completely insane person. He was a completely insane...
He wrote the most words of fiction ever in human history.

Whoa.

More than Shakespeare?

More than everyone.

He never had a second draft.

It was just science fiction.

It was gibberish.

No, no, no.

It's not just gibberish.

Oh, really?

Oh, it's horrible.

His science fiction is horrible.

That was like a bestseller.

He was huge.

No, no, no.

Not really.

Dianetics was a bestseller.

He just posted a lot of these like crazy science fiction stories in like these

Magazines and books that they used to be like monthly publications in the 50s and the 60s, but he had that machine too

What was that machine that like a meter? Yeah, yeah, it's all nonsense. It's just it's just two.
It's just two cans with a string

Yeah, I did it. I was in San Diego.
How clear were you? I'm clear as fuck, bro. No way.
We don't need you. You're good.
The dude, I could tell, he was super unmotivated. He was a guy who was a member who they're forcing to go and try to recruit people.
And I was out there filming for a television show in San Diego. And so I went to this.
They had a thing in the park. And I just went out.
We had downtime. So I'm like, what are you guys doing? Yeah.
And I was out there filming for a television show in San Diego. And so I went to this, they had like a thing in the park.

And I just went out, we had downtime.

So I'm like, what are you guys doing?

And he's like, oh, you know, Dianetics, this and that.

Have you ever had your e-meter tested, whatever?

Fired up.

I got time.

Fired up?

I was asking the dude a bunch of questions.

I was high.

So I was asking the dude a ton of questions.

Just like, what is this?

You were high, they were probably getting you. Where did you learn all this stuff from? Like, what's the story behind your religion? And you could tell the dude just didn't want to do it.
He was not interested in recruiting anybody. He was just like, I have to do this.
Going for the credits? You have to do it. Yeah, cool credits.
But the problem is you got nothing to hide. All those Scientology queefs, they're all hiding something.
They're gay. How much of it is a gay? I went with Natasha Leggero, who went down to the one in Vermont.
Just be gay. And we went in there.
You watch a video. It's all like mid-level 80s actors.
And then they say, this book is for ages 8 to 8,008. And I'm like, what does that mean? The guy's like, don't worry about that.
Fucking nothing. Yeah.
I'm like, no, what's 8,000? What does that mean? Well, it's more advanced stuff.

You're not ready for that.

You're not ready for that.

And then they go, can we get your address so we can send you more stuff?

And I was like, oh, I don't know.

They're like, let me just get your address.

I'm like, okay.

And Natasha's like, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Bobby Lee's address.

My name is Bobby Lee.

Lee could be a white guy.

You could be a Bobby Lee.

Yeah.

Robert E

They were sending me shit for a solid decade

You know who I still get calls from?

The fucking Ivermectin people

Nice

For four years

They want me to buy more drugs

I'm like I'm not gonna buy

They go it could come back

Do you know how risky

How much of a risk taker do you have to be to say what else you got

What else you selling

I'm still getting hit up by Tim Walz

Thank you. I'm not going to buy.
They go, it could come back. Do you know how risky? Shut up.
How much of a risk taker do you have to be to say, what else you got? What else you selling? I'm still getting hit up by Tim Walz. I get texts.
What's Tim up to? They want more money. He needs money.
They lost a lot of money. 20 million in the hole.
Bro, they blew a billion dollars. Tim Walz, the vice presidential candidate.
Oh, the other one. Yeah.
The vice. He's the vice.
The fake hunter fake football guy he's a fucking fuck up full-on liar lying about football is crazy that's that's Shane stolen valor that's his most I didn't care about lying about going to war or going to war being in Tiananmen Square that was Lying about being a head coach and you were a fucking dork assistant. Yeah, you're carrying water.
Remember Hillary Clinton did it too with Benghazi, right? She was like, I was there, we're under fire. Yeah.
Who's Benghazi? Wait a minute. McDonald's was a lie too, wasn't it? Yeah, that was a lie too.
Not only that, but they photoshopped her face on an existing photograph of a girl from the 1980s that did work at McDonald's. And it was a white girl.
So they photoshopped Kamala's face. Just some internet jackass did it, I'm sure, and said, oh, we have proof.
But they were trying to pass it off as it was real. But why is working at McDonald's good? Because it's victim to me.
It's like the lowest level. It's a lowest level job.
But why is that? Who cares? You're working class. In these days, when you don't brag about your hardships.
To say if you came from McDonald's to the president's pretty sick. Also, when you're a person who's trying to con their way into a job where you're going to make an insane amount of money, it's really cool to say, started from the bottom now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see, I see.
Started from the bottom now. Shout out Drake, dude.
Yeah.

I talked to some Puerto Ricans

about Jenny from the Block.

Oh.

And they were like,

she was like,

I got a ham sandwich with Fanta.

If you know, you know.

And then they're like,

Drescher was like,

that's not a thing.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

You heard it from someone.

A ham sandwich with Fanta.

She's been famous for 80 years.

She doesn't even know

what it means to be normal. Yeah.
Like, why are you pretending you know it? You were a fly girl. They all love pretending.
Everyone wants to be real. Yeah.
It's hard. You feel insecure if you've made it too far.
You should go. No, my dad was an academic, and I grew up in wealth, so that's why I'm smarter than everybody.
Well, I knew friends who worked at McDonald's. They would hide it.
That's a very Ari take on things, though. Yeah.
You're well-trained. No, it is fun to be like, oh, sorry my dad worked hard.
Yeah. What are we talking about? Sorry your dad was a fucking loser.
Yeah. And left your mom.
And my dad worked really hard. Really hard.
Good luck with your campus job. That you'll never understand the struggle.
Because you never had to struggle. That's what it is.
Yeah. She really blew it.
And she lost the election. My favorite is multi-million dollar Hollywood saying it's hard That's terrible Did I miss it? Did I miss it? Get it I should have known it wasn't a statement I was listening to it like it was a statement I should have known better She blew it and she lost the election Oh, I get get it.
All right. It was a blowjob joke.
It was a blowjob joke. There's a bunch of those out there.
Willie Brown. Dude, I bet she fucks really good in her prime.
That's what I was getting at. Who? Kamala? Yeah.
She was hot when she was young. I bet she fucked.
Oh, yeah. Very pretty.
There's videos of her with Montel Williams. Yeah.
She was hot. Oh, yeah.
Mountain top. Is that your daughter, they said? Oh, that was with Willie Brown.
Yeah, it was with Willie Brown. She's like, no, she got real mad.
No, this is funny. That was her.
She's working her way up That's something to brag about. It's a strategy.
Why is that any less of a strategy than a pharmaceutical executive strategy? Yeah It's the same. Why is it why why is it like using your good looks to your advantage and making your way into a political system that's fucking completely corrupt.
Why is that negative? Matt Reif did it. Yeah, he did.
He used those looks. Why not? He did.
Smart move. Yeah, he's hot.
It's pretty shocking. Adrienne Appaluccio has a special.
Yeah, but that just shows you how funny she is. It shows you how funny she is.
Joey Diaz, buddy. She's lost a lot of weight.
Has she? Yeah, she's lost a lot of weight. Big mistake.
Fat is funny. She's still fat.
She's still fat. Don't get me wrong.
She's still holding it. But she's not ass.
Not ass. She's so funny, too.
Funny lady. And fearless.
Goes for it. Just goes for it.
I think she doesn't give a fuck. I don't think she understands to give a fuck like she actually doesn't care.
She's pretty great When people walk out angry she goes yeah, I guess I get it She's moving here. No way.
She's been loving it so far Yeah, I talked her into it Ari helping he reached out to me said you got to talk Adrian into moving here. And I had her on the clock.
Well, she was already convinced.

She was already in.

Did you tell Rogan on me that I might be like, yeah, I tried to get to pressure you.

Yeah, she's funny, man.

We need more.

And she's funny in a different way.

She's got her own vibe.

She's not like anybody else.

It's fun.

Yeah, I like her.

It's so like at both sides, fuck both of you.

Yeah.

Yep, fuck everybody. And just serious, never smiles once on stage.
From the Bronx. Yeah, the reviews of her special is either I haven't seen it yet or it's great.
Oh, that's awesome. Her mom was a comic.
Oh, shit. Oh, that's right.
She's a little jealous. Yeah, she told me that story.
Really? Oh, jeez. Who booked you that? Oh, no.
Oh, God. That's tough.
Didn't your mom start doing it again after she'd been doing it a while? Didn't your mom try to do it again? Maybe. Am I remembering that right? That's tough.
Imagine going to a club, see your mom there. Bro, it's probably better than your dad.
Yeah, or your ex-wife. If your dad sucked as a comic.
My dad thinks he's really funny, and he was... It's funny.
My dad's very funny, but he was like, put me in tires. He was like joking.
I could tell my mom, like my mom was like, just put him in the show. I'm like, I'm not putting my fucking dad in the show.
Why not? I don't know if he could act. You gotta give him like a one line.
It doesn't work like that. One line, get him out of there.
Go start acting. Dead body.
I would like that, but then he had a heart attack. He's on the sidelines for a while.
Is he all right? Yeah, he's good. He's bad.
He's not allowed to drink, which is tough to watch the old man. Poor guy.
Watching him fucking sit there watching football. You gotta get him into weed.
God damn. Gotta get him into weed.
He's working his way back so he can drink. Yeah.
What is that? It's an incentivizer. He's just like literally.
He's training? He's working on his heart, so he has to do like cardio. Like he just goes on long walks.
Just so he can drink. Just so he can drink.
He's a beast. Don't blame me for Phil Gill.
It's so crazy. He's like, I need my poison.
I need it. I'll do whatever it takes.
Dude, he was in the hospital. My mom didn't tell me how bad it was to not freak us out.
And then I got there, and he was fucking like. He had fluid in his lungs, so they couldn't operate.
So he was like, this could be it. And we're sitting there.
And they were like, yeah, well, you're going to have to stop drinking. And he was like, 68 years old.
And a hell of a run. I was like, yeah, dude.
What? What? It was a nice, like, no, a hell of a run with drinking. It was just very nice to be like, yeah, you did, bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a hell of a run.
Get him on edibles. Get him started at least.
Give him an option. I don't know how I'll handle it.
It'll be funny. You start him with a five milligram.
Just a little jammy that gives you a little smile on your face. Makes the colors a little brighter.

Give him a couple to get started.

He's betting on sports all day.

Give him a couple to get started.

He can still do that.

Get high and be like, I know he's going to pass for 5,000 yards.

Yeah, maybe he'll have good intuition.

Oh, yeah.

He might have like some skinny face.

He's skinny now.

He's walking around.

He's in hell, dude.

He's in hell.

He's stuck in the house with my mom all day. She loves it.
Is he eating healthy? Yeah, he has to. But we'll catch him.
We'll catch him. He's just fucking eating burgers.
He's eating them at night. By the way, he actually is.
You'll be over there. You'll see him at the fridge.
Give me that cheese, daddy. Oh, he goes in there, eats, and then pulls out one water.
Rolls the car in neutral out of the driveway, starts it on the streets. I can go off to Burger King overnight.
He's eating like Trump. Are you pushing it? Are you pushing it? It's starting at the neighbor's house.
It was what he was eating when I got home. The last time I went home to see him, he was literally standing at the counter eating a cheeseburger.
I was like, bro. Damn.
He's like, what? He's got to have something. He needs advice.
The boy's working his way back to beer. That's good.
He's going to get some boosters. He's lost weight.
That's good. Yeah.
You should have him on. Have Phil on.
Have Phil on. He's got some good stories, too.
I bet he does. But then he's like, look, I've been in the JRE.
Tires is next. Tires.
Tires is next tires Come on

What about are you garbage nobody's got some stories he was fucking garbage Yeah, he was he was off fuck. He was from like he lived in like a he went on a garbage No, no, I'm just saying I thought you were serious The island of Puerto Rico should go on are you garbage? You son of a bitch.

That's the last.

We've got to remove that from the internet.

No, I love Puerto Rico.

San Juan, baby.

No, no, I love Puerto Rico. San Juan, baby.
That's the Tony joke. What a wild thing.
The fucked up thing is that joke was based on his need to, like, he gets freaked out about the environment. He gets freaked out about the pollution patch.
While he's in a throne. We were super high.
We were super high in the green room. In the regular world.
He's like, how how long have there been plastic there's only been plastic for six years it's bigger than fucking texas it's in the so he sits getting obsessed by garbage and then he finds out about puerto rico and so then he comes up with this joke there's an island of garbage i think it's called puerto rico yeah right but the joke was actually out of his concern that puerto rico is being smothered by he actually loves pu Rico. He's trying to protect our parks.
He's a retard. He's just a retard.
He doesn't understand. People don't know the whole backstory to that joke.
They know that's a joke about Puerto Rico. You're doing it in a fucking Trump round.
You should have defended him. You should have come out and just been like, he's retarded.
I kind of did. I mean, I basically said that.
This is where came from like the Tony's just yeah He's not fucking insult comic. He's the best insult comic in the country If you want to watch that that roast watch that Tom Brady Brady.
It's so funny watching John Stewart like that's Stewart he's a real comic it was like he's a funny Yeah. It was wild also that they saw that joke and everyone was angry within one minute.
And it's like, no, nothing to like, let me analyze the arts. Let me just figure out what this is.
But instantly, I know what it is. I'm done with it.
It's just demeaning to like everything. It's exactly what we were talking about earlier that does happen to people where they can become someone else.
But Stewart has not done that. He's still coming.
He's not done that. He still goes on stage with Chappelle.
He does podcasts. He's very reasonable when he does them.
I think he also got disillusioned by that fucking Apple gig where they cancelled his show because he wouldn't do, he wanted to do a thing on China. And they're like, no fucking way.
Really? And that was it. China.
You can't talk shit about China. You can't even tell the truth.
You can't say, if you're on an Apple show, and Apple has this insane manufacturing deal with China. All their phones.
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Terms and conditions may apply everything think about that It's the craziest thing about the weird to signaling people like Schultz Yeah Anytime the liberals get at you just go using an iPhone Fuck off.

Yeah, just shut your mouth.

Shut your mouth.

Go get a Samsung if you really care.

Yeah, didn't John Cena?

He had to do a whole thing.

Remember that? rules get at you just go using an iphone fuck off shut your mouth go get a samsung if you really care yeah didn't john cena he had to do a whole thing remember that yeah oh yeah that was fast he nailed it nailed it got the language down that's when i was shit in the streets before he did i had a bit about that for a while i was like that's when i knew that china was going to win because they already got our mascot they got our guy he's the most american most American-looking guy ever. That's true.
Cena fucking rules.

Square jaw.

His wrists are so big,

it looks like his forearm is cut off here.

It looks fake.

It looks fake.

It's crazy.

It looks like his arm should be way longer,

but they moved his hand up his forearm.

He's got no wrist.

It does look like that.

They're hams.

Bro.

Damn.

That's the Down syndrome community's bro.

He is the number one Down syndrome.

John Cena, bro.

Hitting a fucking salute, running in in jean shorts, fucking people up. Hey, gang, gang, gang.
That shit rocks. He's Mr.
Make-A-Wish. He is.
I'll bet, man. I bet.
Cena. Come on.
I didn't like with Tony with all the comics weighing in. That really was the buggy of the most.
You're always going to have that from weak people that aren't happy with where they are That's what it is People are waiting to jump on Tony

Now that he can't fight back

I'll jump in there

They never shit on some low level guy

He's doing great

And you can not like him if he's doing great

Go to an open mic and be like

This race is a piece of shit

You're allowed to not like him if he's doing great

But if you're attacking him

You don't know what he was doing.

He was just doing what he always does.

He's an insult comic.

Are you saying you don't like insult comedy?

So you don't like roasts? So say that two months ago.

Why are you saying it right now?

Listen, man, roasts are one of the things

that's going to save comedy

because they're so funny

that it's undeniable to Netflix.

So Netflix gets the highest ratings

they've ever had ever on this Tom Brady roast.

It's completely non-PC. It's some of the wildest jokes.
Tony calls him a Confederate fag. Like, it's some of the wildest, and it's killing, and it's so funny, and people love it, and they keep sharing it.
People keep sending it to their friends, and clips are made out of it. It's huge for Netflix.
Without that, you don't get the freedom to do whatever the fuck you want on stage. I make fun of Tony a lot, but that was Nice moment.
Well, I was sitting gangster when he did the roast He killed it and I gave him a joke right before and this is how like in the pocket He was cuz he like stood up from the table was like how loud Genuinely happy I was like watching him fucking kill yeah, and then the joke I gave him he did I gave it to him right before he went on. I don't want to say.
All right. Puerto Rico? It was an insult personally at one of the comedians.
I was like, tell that motherfucker. Oh, shit.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow.
I pretty much know already then. Oh, yeah, I know too.
Nikki Glades is a whore? Shut the fuck up, Mark. No, I wouldn't be trash, Nicky.
I love Nicky. I like Nicky, too.
No, I actually do. I do, too.
I love Nicky. Right before he tells the joke, he literally looked over at me and was like...
He did a little date. Then he goes, yeah, bye-bye, bye-bye.
I was like, yes. Yeah, nice.
And to go up from the audience like that, that ain't easy, to walk up like that. Well, you know, they wanted him to do his set seated, and he was like, this is stupid.
See? Because they didn't respect him. How about this? Any store guy, they're like, no, you're not one of the cool kids.
So it's like, dude, fuck off. Just let the guy shine.
Wow. Let us set him loose.
Let us set him loose. That's a lot of resistance to him with the powers of being a hungry wolf.
That's a lot of resistance to that Hinchcliffe fellow. So much butts in here.
Fuck. Well, just say you're mad he's at a Trump rally.
That, all right. That I get.
But why are you going to use the joke as a vehicle to get angry? The joke is nothing. Because it's both things.
The joke is nothing but the fact that if the joke just released on YouTube, eh, people would get mad. Maybe the Kamala Harris camp would use it to show that this guy is a Trump supporter.
But it's not connected to the fact that it's at the Trump rally which is so crazy that he did it there

they should have never

but they're also waiting it's like Alexander Cortez Cortez

is sitting there

who?

Alexander Cortez Cortez

you have been doing that Duolingo shit

she's sitting there waiting like what can I be angry about

and she's like that's why

that's not the target market

they're trying to win man

you're looking at it like they should be reasonable

why would they be reasonable when they're trying to win

Very good. there waiting like what can I be angry about and she's like that's why they're trying to win man you're looking at it like they should be reasonable why would they be reasonable when they're trying to win they want to exploit every last possible thing and Tony gave them a bunch of rope and they hung them well they were already calling it a fucking Nazi rally and then you have a comedian go up there that probably a lot of them had no idea who he was like the people talking about it and then he's i mean the fucking watermelon carving joke that was the one that should have been that was so stupid that was an improv i know you could tell it's like i gave him that one i thought it was funny i don't know well yeah at a comedy club at a comedy rally club.
Be great at a roast battle. Yeah, once they made it a Nazi rally, then it's like, well, nothing is going to work here to you guys.
It's a full German Nazi rally. A lot of fucking Israeli flags at a Nazi rally.
I saw four Israeli flags hanging from the rafters. Yeah, there was Israeli flags that people brought.
The whole idea that was a Nazi rally is crazy. Maybe they were just pro-genocide.
No one believes it, man. That's why they're not talking about it now.
I'd have to flag that one. Pull that one out.
But yes, there's a guy named Vivek. They've all given it up now.
I like when the comics do, like when they'll try to defend somebody, but they're so scared of the backlash. They go, look, I didn't like that joke, but it's his right to say it.
It's like, who comments on that you don't like jokes? How about when Patton took a picture with Chappelle and he had to take a photo of him writing an apology on a piece of paper. That was weak.
I think he felt really bad about that. He did.
That was the height of all the shit. He felt pressured.
He felt bad about that. Wait a week.
Let the pressure go away. Then if you have to, weigh in.
Well, the internet coming at you is scary. People panic.
Yeah, don't read it. Tony handled it really well.
It's so hard not to read it. He goes, take a joke, fuck off, and then just not another word about it.
I had to read the thing about The View because I just thought it was funny. What's the view? Oh, he's a dragon about me.
Dragon lover. Joey Begar was trying to say that I believe in dragons.
Wait, what is this? I just heard about it. He said, I checked it.
I checked it. And then the lady goes, did you double check this? She goes, I checked it.
He believes in dragons. You think they lived alongside of people? It was from a wildlife biologist who came on my podcast.

It was from Forrest Gallant.

Gallante?

Gallant.

How do I say his last name?

Great guy.

I love him.

He's awesome.

But he was saying there are... Yeah, right?

He's fucking off.

J-Mo, let's do it.

Jamie, you haven't called anything up.

See if you can find Forrest's clip where he's explaining dragons.

Not that Jamie looks like a Mexican.

He's lazy.

This is where it came from. The view decided from this and from me talking about it with Adrian Appaloochee the other day, explaining what Forrest says and saying that I don't think that there was pterodactyls living with people.
I said it, no. She said, maybe they did live with this.
I'm like, no. My position is it's probably crocodiles or some big Komodo dragon or some big lizard that did kill people and so people fought them with swords and shit and they came back with a story and then the artist drew it and these things you saw one of those at night and you had a stick yeah i thought i thought i thought a picture of joe rogan in a unicorn all throughout these same time periods there's been giant lizards all throughout the same time time periods have been komodo dragons have been crocodiles been here for a fucking hundred million years or whatever they've been for probably more So the idea that that people didn't encounter giant reptiles is stupid And then there's the other thing is like people were really bad at describing things that they'd never seen before So if you're a European traveler and you go to the Nile River and you see a fucking crocodile What is that? Take a guy.
Yeah,, what is that? What the fuck? Or a baby in Florida. So let's...
Does it hold any weight? No. Like if there's actually dragons? I mean, we know there were large flying lizards during the times of dinosaurs, right? The only weight that it could possibly hold is that like a few of those somehow survived much later than we previously thought.
Jesus. But do I think that there were dragons attacking human beings and civilizations? No, I don't.
J.D. Vance looks terrible.
It's so much cooler if there were. The fact that we know that pterodactyls did exist, that's cool.
It would be way cooler if they existed with people. Right, 2,000 years ago.
Why is that? Why is that so much cooler to us? I don't know. It's like, I would be, I would, I mean, people would dedicate giant chunks of their life trying to find out if pterodactyls did coexist with human beings.
Oh, yeah. I swear, I thought you had pterodactyls on your shirt there, and I was like, yeah, this is the most autistic thing I've ever seen.
I think that's a rhino. Why can't pterodactyls be real? The problem is you're taking Joey Behar, whatever her name is, as like a, as a news source.
Did you have a stroke? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is the most important part.
I don't know. I don't know.
Hey, this is the most important part. This is right after she was saying, we are run by ABC News.
You should trust us, not Joe Rogan, who believes in dragons. So she, by saying we should trust them because they're double-checked by ABC News and then making the stupidest fucking statement.
Like, you didn't listen to what I said. You didn't listen to what the wildlife about, and that's only a part of what he said.
The other part of what he said was there was something before that where he was explaining encounters with giant reptiles. I don't know.
And there's also, listen. It doesn't make sense to me that a middle-aged woman could be dumb.
When you're worried about losing your job, and you're worried about podcasts taking over, and who's the source of news, and we said Donald Trump is Hitler, but half the country disagreed with us, and he won, and this is fucking great. And Joe Rogan believes in dragons! It's just frantic.
Bro, if you believe that Donald Trump is Hitler and everyone who supports him is a massive racist, and if you are in any ethnic or gay, you need to get the fuck out of this country. Because if you believe all that, it's bad for you here.
But Sonny Hostin, she makes some good points. Who's that? She's the other one.
That's not going to clip well. I'm just saying, like, if they really believe us, what are you still doing here?

Jamie, there's a photo that I have on my

Instagram. Go home.

Jamie, there's a photo I have on my

Instagram of a whale

that's on a wall in an old

Italian church. It was from, like,

2017 or 2018.

I was in Rovello, and there's this church

that's so old. The church is

a thousand years old, but it's built on top of another church, and they don't even know how old that church is. There's like a glass floor, and you look down, and you see the old church.
They have no idea how old it is. But they had a painting of the whale from the Bible.
Who is it, Job? Who is it? Jonah. Jonah.
That's right, Jonah. So look at this.
This is this ancient, ancient church, but there's a photo of a whale that's in, is it in that? Where's Ravello? It's around the same time. I know I put the photo on Instagram.
Oh, Italy. That's the church.
But in that church, the whale doesn't look nothing like a whale. The whale looks like a monster.
It looks like some. So that's what it's like.
Here we go. Their drawings was like, they came back and described described those fucking mercenaries couldn't draw so the guys who came back the savages the fucking animals that were hacking off heads in the congo they don't they're not drawing i've been real busy pillaging to an artist and then the artist draws it and they could probably barely remember because it's probably so traumatic yeah a 16 foot crocodile comes launching out of the and takes one of your boys and eats them in front of everybody's like that's it yeah that's what they thought a whale looked like a whale yes that's a crocodile that's a true look at it that is the story from the bible so that's badass they had never seen a whale before so they drew this thing he's looking at the guy right i mean they knew what guys looked like and they were struggling.
Yeah they weren't good artists. He looks like an alien monkey.
They're doing it in tile in all defense. It's a very difficult medium to work with.
What's that higher prime rate thing? Look at that guy. Isn't that wild though? So that is what...
Peace! I'm fucking outta here. Be cool bros! So their version of things that we know what looked like were all fucked up already Yeah, so that's probably what dragons are what dragons are probably giant crocodiles.
There you go And there's some people that went to the Congo in the 1800s that said they saw crocodiles bigger than their boats 40-foot boats and crocodiles were bigger than their boats The thing about crocodiles is they don't ate they don't die, right? They just stay alive until something kills them so they keep growing So So if you got a crocodile, it could be 300, 400 years old. And that would be like a 60 foot crocodile.
Really? They might have seen those back then. They get that old? And that's when people had guns, right? So the people with the guns are probably killing all the ones that are really big.
So those ones that are really big, they've been eating other crocodiles, they've been eating everything, cannibalized each other, they eat everything that moves. So to get to that point is so hard that when you whack those dudes, the ones that are left are like 30 years old, 50 years old.
Like you'll probably have smaller crocodiles. It kind of makes sense.
That's probably what dragons were. Probably were a bunch of people that never experienced crocodiles before and just got fucked up by these 20-foot crocs.
Imagine seeing that and not knowing what it is. What does Joey Behar say? Whatever.
Joey Behar? When people tell her, like, hey, so that's not true. I just want to say, for the record, I have no hate for Joey Behar.
If I saw her, I'd give her a hug. I don't care.
I'd probably say the same thing about me if I was her. It's no big deal.
I don't care, but it's a silly thing to say and it undermines your own personal credibility. If you say we're so good because we're supported by ABC News, and then you say Joe Rogan believes in dragons in the next sentence.
And no chance she comes back and goes, oh, guys, I was wrong. Somebody told me the wrong shit.
If it was a joke, that would be funny. I know she wasn't joking, but it would be hilarious.
Joe Rogan, the guy who fucking believes in dragons, fucked that guy. I wonder if there were some kind of flying lizards at one point in human history.
You know, if you go, well, this is what the Bigfoot myth is about. The Bigfoot myth is about a thing that really existed.
It's called Gigantopithecus, but it lived like 100,000 years ago. So by the time, at least we think it did, we know for sure, no later than that.
I mean, later than that, for sure, 100,000 years ago, we don't know earlier. It might have been earlier.
It might have lived 50,000 years ago. We just don't have an example of it.
But that was a thing that was passed on in stories. It's dead now.
It doesn't exist anymore. But people were telling a story about a thing that was real.
That's probably what dragons are. It's probably people telling a story about a thing that was real.
And if 100, 200,000 years ago there were some reptiles that could fly we know the pterodactyls were fucking real they just find one of those things it would change everything and you got to realize they've only been finding dinosaurs for two hundred years mmm two hundred years ago they didn't know what the Jews started burying those bones there was a bunch of dudes who had fake dinosaur bones you're trying to trick us don't attack us it's been nice weather today you know there's a bunch of dudes who had fake dinosaur bones. You're trying to trick us.
Don't attack us. It's been nice weather today.
You know there was a bunch of dudes who put like other bones and claimed they were dinosaur bones. There was a bunch of frauds.
Well those were the actual Jewish dudes. I bet there's money in bones.
Jamie when did they discover dinosaurs? Ari you look like a pterodactyl. Imagine discovering dinosaurs going oh is this still around? I think most of them are at the White House.
Pelosi, get out. She just filed for re-election.
Oh, she's like 79. She's 84.
84 with those dits. She just fired for, yeah, pretty huge.
Here it is. When did they, 1824.
Okay, so exactly, exactly 200 years ago, they found the first dinosaur. Damn.
Wow. So, I've known about dinosaurs for 200 years.
Wow And there's a giant chunk of the planet that has not been discovered like we had a podcast the other day They've only like looked at 5% of sub-saharan Africa. They find whale bones in the Sahara Desert Whale bones in the desert who knows what the fuck's out there? It's not impossible to imagine that since there used to be flying lizards, at one point in time there were.
1677, someone discovered it? 1677, someone created with discovering the first dinosaur bone, but his best guess as to what belonged to was a giant human. Oh, wow.
Wow. What? So funny to find a giant femur and be like, god, that guy was huge.
That's my favorite conspiracy. Giants? The giants used to roam the earth.
They were created by the Anunnaki breeding with people. I believe it.
I'm down. And the government, the Smithsonian, has been hiding giant bones.
You know they made Yao Ming. They got the two tallest people in China to fuck.
No. That's a good move.
Yeah, for real. But that's a good move.
Yao Zing. I mean, how many fucking Division I football players are out there because their parents said, listen, you're a big lady.
I'm the big guy. I think we can make some kids that can make us some fucking money.
Let's go. Careful.
I can't get them to talk about you. If you're really into football and you're a big fella and you see this big lady at the bar with some nice hands, look at those hands.
I need hands. Yeah.
I need a lady with a grip. I need a lady with a fucking mitt.
If you have a lady and she's tall but she's got some dainty hands, you could have a brittle kid. Yeah.
You don't want a brittle boy. I believe in Giants.
I saw a fucking... I went to an NBA game and I met Zach Eadie.
Yeah. J-Mo.
Bring up Zach Eadie. Eadie.
If you saw that guy, if you lived back then and saw a guy like fucking Zach Eadie. Oh, yeah.
What the fuck? Don't fuck with those guys. Yeah.
J-Mo. Bring up Zack Eadie.
Eadie. If you saw that guy, if you lived back then, it's all a guy like fucking Zack Eadie.
Oh, yeah. Women, yeah.
Fuck, don't fuck with those guys. Eadie Falco.
Well, what's that guy, the Mountain from Game of Thrones? Bro, how about Shaq? Shaq, just Shaq. Shaq is a legitimate giant.
Shaq is... He's a seven-foot human.
He used to come into the store, and it was like, he's only ten inches taller than me, but he... Oh, yeah.
Zack Eadie. Whoa.
Yeah. What is he, Siberian or something? He looks like Mongol.
Oh, okay. He looks a little funky.
Oh, this isn't Yao Ming. Who's this guy? Zach Eadie.
Oh. He plays for the Sixers.
What is his nationality? He looks a little Chinese. Nationality, I believe he's an American, bro.
Yeah, but. Right, but what is his family's background? Oh, never mind.
He's Toronto, eh? Oh, he's a Canadian. Toronto.
Nice pick. 7'4".
Why? Jesus Christ. I took a picture with him after the game.
What is his nationality? I looked like a fat lesbian. Other than Canadian.
Fat lesbian. What does his family come from? Chinese immigrants.
Chinese. He should play for the WNBA.
Wow. If I was short.
He played ice hockey and baseball. That's a good athlete.
Especially ice hockey. Like Pat and Oslo.
Ice hockey would be tremendous for any sport, right? That's a hard-ass sport on your legs. Oh, yeah.
Well, the best players only play 20 minutes a game. Wow.
They play like a third of the game. It's that hard.
Yeah, but they play so many games. It's non-stop.
Every fucking other day.

You just can't. You can't play a long shift.
I think the hardest is

soccer. Those motherfuckers,

there's no commercial breaks.

There's sprinting the whole time. There are some breaks.

Every single time a guy gets touched, they all lay down.

But that's what you need to do. Well, that is on purpose.

Everybody in America is like, oh, fucking

pussy, get up. It's like, bro, they're so tired.

Yeah, that's true. They're all like, yes.
Pretend to be heard. It's like, bro, they're so tired.
Yeah, that's true.

They're all like, yes.

Rugby might be it.

Rugby might be it.

They don't stop.

Rugby is the rug.

They don't stop.

They don't stop, and there are no pads.

It's American football.

Rugby?

No, American football is the reason it's a three-second play is because they would die.

They're so tired.

They're going in such a full sprint.

It's crazy.

Crazy amount.

Full power.

Those are giants. Giants.
But the cardio, the non-cardio in terms of that, they might be soccer or rugby or Aussie football. Yeah, but alright, then cross country is the craziest.
When we went to Dallas, we were at the Cowboys versus the Jets. Went to City.
This was the first NFL game I've ever been to. And we were like not far away from the players.
And you see how enormous they are. You look at 350-pound humans just walking with mortals.
And faster than us. Yeah, they're huge.
They're so fast. Who was that one guy that was almost 300 pounds, and he ran a four-second plus 40? Aaron Hernandez.
I mean, there's a now... You're just swinging at anything.
You're just swinging at everything. It's an island of garbage.
You know what they thought? Mermaids. Those were manatees.
That's how drunk and horny they were. I've heard that rumor.
I don't believe it. It's a dark, they've been poked in the eye since they were two.
They've been drinking rum all day. Guys poke them every time they get an argument

There's no glasses you just went blind you're eating terrible food yes They're blind by 20 they thought a manatee was a woman I don't believe a nice plump woman like a see both ways rich ladies that eat grapes hot yeah the ones the what do they call those? Fat checks? Rubenesca. Lizzo's.
Lizzo's. That was hot back then because nobody could get fat because everybody was starving to death.

That's true.

That's true.

It meant you had money.

Yeah, you were hot.

And now fat people are poor.

Right.

So back then, that was a hot, fat lady.

A hot, fat lady floating around.

Yeah.

We did flip it.

We did flip it.

It's super easy to get fat now.

Jennifer Aniston's real thin and Gwyneth Paltrow.

They're all billionaires.

Yeah.

Cheeseburger's at 39 cents on Wednesdays.

Exactamundo.

Yeah, even Oprah keeps trying to lose weight.

She's always been, huh?

Always.

The best of Sherry Shepard coming out.

Did you ever see that one on The View?

Sherry Shepard came out for a while.

She lost all this weight.

She came out in that orange bathing suit. And they're like, we did it.
I lost all this weight. They wheeled out a cart of ribs for her to celebrate.
She's in a bathing suit eating ribs, getting fat again. Jamie.
Sherry Shepard's pie. Why would they do that to her? That's such a hater move.
It's really funny. It'd be like, hey, I'm done with alcohol.
Let's go. Here you go, Phil.
One year sober.

Let's celebrate.

Damn.

Yeah, that Ozempic's taking over.

But that's crazy that they did that to her.

Yeah, they're like, you did it.

Celebrate now.

I don't like it.

Bro, you remember the time Oprah had that lady on?

It's in chimp crazy.

Oprah had that lady on who got her face bit off by the chimp.

Stay there.

And she showed her face on TV.

Oh, yeah.

The lady was wearing a veil over her face like, let's see your face. Come on.
She pulls the veil away. Like a nope.
What are you doing? She should go Muslim. Cover it up.
May as well go Muslim at that point. Oh, trick of man.
Can you imagine being a good Muslim man? You go, this lady seems cool as shit. She doesn't have any eyes.
It's like Jay Leno. She doesn't have any eyes.
You can see it coming. Really? Yeah.
Her whole face is gone. She's like, you sound like a man for me.
Yeah, this is... That's it.
That's crazy. Oh, yeah, she looks good.
Yeah. Wait, that's Dr.
Phil? No. Wow.
Sherry's bathing suit body. Damn.
Now you can eat. No, you can't.
Now you keep not eating. Oprah fluctuates.
She's like Elliot Page. When do they move people off that show? Sherry's not on that show anymore, right? No, she's not.
She started going back to clubs. That was 15 years ago.
She was one of the real comics. There you go.
I knew her as a comic way back in the day. I didn't know who's Sherry.
Sherry Shepard's a store comic. And then she got on The View for like, I don't know, three to 20 years.
Right. Damn.
That's a tough gig. Fuck that.
I think The View's going to get canceled. Nah, it'll keep going forever.
No, The View's fucking killing it right now. They're all spazzing out.
It's hilarious. Yeah, that's true.
Well, you're dealing with these two matriarchs, right? The older ladies. Yeah.
They kind of set the tone of the show. You know, that's part of the problem.
They're out of touch. They're out of touch.
One of them's pretty hot. Whoopi Goldberg's, did you see what she did at Staten Island Bakery? Yes.
Crazy. What? She ate everything.
Staten Island Bakery, their boiler went down, and she placed an order of cupcakes for her birthday. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
I can't imagine yet how this would go bad okay go ahead so then she places this order they say we can't promise you that we can do this because our boiler is down so we can't we can't fulfill this order and so then the next day the boilers back up she has someone else call the same bakery and they get the order in because now the boilers up She claims the reason why they didn't take her order is because they didn't like her politics. And so she says this on The View.
So then the bakery has a press conference where they say, we've been in business for 150 years. This is not what happened at all.
We don't discriminate against anybody regardless of anything. We just had a problem with our boiler and she's signaling out a family-run business and then there's a line around the block for the bakery.
Nice. It's bananas.
And then she doubles down. She made a video and she didn't even apologize.
In fact, she said the same thing. I like how they can't even see a possibility where it's just an innocuous idea.
Her best was like, wasn't it like the Holocaust? And she was like, that's white people problems. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's crazy.
Oh, yeah, something like that. Well, she got kicked off the show for a couple days.
That's right. Remember? They were like, Oprah, Oprah, or whatever her name was.
These people. Damn, I swear you had a fucking stroke.
I might have slunk over it. I told you you were sad.
What's going on? These people are just too out of touch to be running that show. Mitch McConnell.
Isn't that guy in charge of something now? Didn't they put Mitch McConnell in charge of something? Really? They just did. He's fucking locking up like a Windows 95 computer.
He's got the spinny wheel. He just locks up all the time.
What did they just put Mitch McConnell in charge of, Jamie? Comedy Central. Something about appointments.
Put all things comedy he's gonna take over Futurama what is it? defense spending you run anything by that dude he can't count chairman of the senate appropriation subcommittee on defense and chairman of the senate rules committee get him up there that's what we need yo that guy locked up twice on TV oh Oh, yeah. Fully locked up.
Like, didn't know where he was. They had to grab his arm, take him off the stage.
You ever see him locked up? Yo, bro, it's bad. He's got the turkey neck.
Jamie, pull up the video of Mitch McConnell locking up. He was like the face of evil for a while.
Watch this video. He just stepped down.
He's gonna step down. People thought that he was gonna step down, but this is an old clip.
He can't step. He was old a billion years ago.
Bro, but the way he locks up is terrifying. It's almost like the guy's having a stroke.
It's very strange. Maybe the women of the View are geniuses, because we're all talking about it.
It's a ton of press. The Views.
Here, watch this. Yeah, look at this.
Oh, this is great. This week has been good bipartisan cooperation.
Jesus Christ. Oh, no.
His lips aren't moving. But hold on.
A string of... It's like when a girl eats your ass you didn't know she was going to.
You're like, oh, shit. This is going great.
Bro, look at this guy. He's waving back and forth like he's ready to go.
They're all looking like, what's going on? Oh, he's melting. Look at the extras.
Dude, this is a full lockup. Oh, man.
Anything else you want to say? Let's go back to your house. Let's go back to your house.
Yeah, I'm done. Oh, my God.
So that guy just got a new job. He's running shit? Is that Canada's top general? Megan Rapinoe? That's Emma Willman as the top general in the country.
Bro, how bizarre is that? That that guy just got a new gig. That was Emma Levine.
He's so done. Who's running shit? I thought you had it.
Oh, there it is. Who's running shit? Yeah.
Who's running shit? Jews. That's what you're saying, Jews? But at least it should be young Jews.
Own it, man. Your people are running Jews.
I love it. Yeah, we run everything.
Ancient Jews. Pelosi's an Italian.
Timeless Jews. You guys are like crocodiles.
She's Italian. Our noses go bigger and bigger.
Is Pelosi Italian? Yeah, I think she... Pelosi, that sounds Italian.
She's got them Italian yams. She's got a photo with JFK back in the day.
She invests like a Jew. Back in the day.
Yeah, she was like a kid. Oh, yeah.
She gave him some head. God damn it, I have to pee.
For some brain. I was trying so hard.
Hang in there, buddy. Nice.
That'll make me go soon. Easy, fellas.
Hey, hey. Quit that roughhousing.
It was leg. Course play.
It was leg. Oh, my God, I owe you one.
Yeah, it's a wacky time to be alive. I can't tell if it's a great time.
Oh, it's a great time. Or is it a horrible time? They should just have.
As soon as it a horrible time as soon as that happens if you're at all running a company which the government is you should be like oh hey no we're replacing you you can't be in charge of it it's not like he's young and he did this like Fetterman had a stroke that's an old. You take away their license if they do stuff like that.
100%. That guy could be at a red light, just locked up.
Or just go right into an intersection and not even know he got his foot off the brakes. You ever be at a red light high and fall asleep and then when you wake up and somebody honks, you go, I should pull over.
Yeah. This is wrong.
No. Jesus Christ.
No, me neither. I just heard about people.
You ever like that? Have you ever texted for like 20 minutes? You look up, you're like, damn, that was dangerous. Holy shit.
No, never. I use the Apple CarPlay thing.
What's that? You just press the text. You say, text Mark Norman.
What would you like to say? Write it, Margaret. It says it back to you.
Sometimes it fucks it up, which is a real problem. If you have any weird

naming street or something like that,

that won't work. That's Bert.
Every time Bert

sends a text, it's like, what is this? He goes,

oh, it's speech to text. Or fat

fingers. Yeah, or slurring.

Speech to text is really easy if you're busy

because you can get away with

doing it in five seconds.

What would take you like 20 minutes to

type out? The best was Dana White went to a flip phone so we could feel the buttons so we could have a business meeting tell me if i'm wrong yeah you're wrong i'm wrong and text under the table he definitely texted under the table but that's not why he just started out with a flip phone and when everybody was going to smartphones he's like i can just text with my finger yeah and he was so busy he's like i don't have time for fucking apps like what are you doing but But isn't that t9 that shit takes a half hour You can do it without looking Him and I were having dinner and he sent me a text without looking he goes. I'm gonna send you a text right now I don't have to look at my phone was it accurate it was accurate.
I was like wow It wasn't crazy use like the letter you for you. That's when that shit started that used to drive me crazy Don't do it in the.
Don't you do it. There's two of them now, you son of a bitch.
Even in the T9 days, I used Y-O-U. Even that? Yeah, not U-R either.
Y-O-U apostrophe R-E. I don't know if I did that.
Could you even do an apostrophe back then? You can. Yeah, you can do it.
It's a four-button thing. Oh, yeah, we're talking to Mr.
Flipbone right here. I've got to get back there.
I've got to go back to the island. Well, Dave Attell's still on it.
That's true. Dave has like three phones.
I saw him the other night, and he had some killer new. He's so timely and relevant.
Always. Two minutes on White Lotus, it was gold.
What's White Lotus? It was in Zaya, a TV show. It's a TV show on HBO.
It's got a giant fake cock in it that really tricked me. Steve Zahn.
Got you hard. No, the season two.
Oh. It's like a real hot guy, and he goes in and changes while a girl's...
Oh, yes. Yeah, did you see Peaky Blinders? Oh, Peaky Blinders rules.
How about that scene where that lady's sucking... Oh, that guy's sucking that other guy's cock? Pull it up.
Which episode was I remember that? I don't remember. No, a lady is literally sucking a guy's rubber cock.
What? Yeah, there's like an orgy, and this lady is, it's either a lady sucking a guy's cock or a guy sucking a guy's cock. 100%.
That's Shane's like bar mitzvah video. Can I get a beer? Oh, shit, I got to pee too.
Some guy was sucking another guy's cock. Peaky blinders.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to pee too. The Irish movie.
You go first. It's going to be me and Ari.
Yeah, you guys can do it. Yeah, we can do it.
We can do it. We can do it.
Talk about. I'm going to hold it.
Get in there. You go, then I'll go.
I had a few at the Delta Lounge. Nice.
Oh, you had some drinks on the line? So hungover. I had to get a BM.
What did you do last night? I did a show in Charleston. That place is cool.
Great crowd, but yeah, after it, that's a drink in town. Norman got me into the lounge once, and I was like, oh, let me a drink.
He's like, what are you there's free drinks? Why'd you order that? They have a whole list of free drinks. Norman's jewier than I am.
Oh, definitely. I've seen Norman eat wings off a plate going to the kitchen at the cellar.
He was like, whoa, that's untouched. Oh yeah, we had that steak last night at the stand or two nights ago.
Whose steak is this? He's just like, let me just have a piece. A third of it.
Yeah. It's in his mouth.
Never got caught. Yeah.
I don't know whose that was. Hey, buy some Bodega Cat.
Put everybody while Joe's in a jitter. That was a funny defense of believing in dragons.
Yeah. And then going, Sasquatch.
Sasquatch is real though. Yeah.
I love when you're like, you could have got me on a real thing. Yeah, you could have got me on Sasquatch.
I think they got him on that one. Now, the view rules.
What's going on with you? Uh-oh. You seem fucked up.
I don't know. I know that's the worst thing somebody can say to you, so I do apologize.
You seem fucked up. I don't know.
You were quiet when I got here. Editing my special.
I got a special coming out. Oh, nice.
Oh, shit. A new one.
January 14th. Netflix.
You already covered you. Why don't you drink up a little? Get fired up.
Dude, I'm doing whiskey all day. This is my third one.
We started before you got there. Oh, shit.
You had three drinks? And we started before we started. We started before we started.
You're drooling. You're a mess.
And we're back. All right.
Now I got a wee-wee. Go for it.
Yeah, we have no leader with Joe Rogan going. We're all floating.
We're all floating. Things are weird.
Yeah, I was just like, what's going on? Are you okay? We had nothing. It is a fun time.
It's a fun time. What? It really is.
It's scary, but it's a fun time. These times? Yeah.
As long as the war doesn't really break off, a real actual hot war, if they can stop these motherfuckers from doing that, it's a fun time. She keeps telling me to chill because I keep following that.
What? It fucks fucking lady's nuclear war book who oh yeah jacobson yeah fucked me terrified one from broad

city no yes author she this lady wrote a book about what would happen during a nuclear war

well i would die instantly i'm in i'm in yeah we all would yeah but yeah new york's getting nuked

first and how dumb it is and how quickly it like both have a policy that's like all right yes

Let's go. I would die instantly.
I'm in New York. Yeah, we all would.
Yeah, New York's getting nuked first. And how dumb it is and how quickly it is.
Both have a policy that's like, all right, yes. Like if they think there's a nuke.
I was in Cuba, so me and Bobby were researching the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Bay of Pigs while we were there. And man, how close it was with that submarine.
Three out of four Russians were like, we can't talk to Russia. There must be a reason for that.

I bet they're attacked. We should launch.

One out of the four.

Hold on, though.

Let's wait an hour.

That's how close it was.

If he launched, then America would have to launch.

I know we're supposed to support the bros, but

the guys on the fucking nuclear subs,

they're going to just destroy the world world and then what? You fucking surface? Yeah. And go, alright, well.
Right. What are you coming back to, buddy? Yeah, stay down there as long as you're coming back to a destroyed world.
Yeah, don't do it. Not like the spots you can go to.
The whole world's cooked. The whole thing's going.
Iceland. Not even that.
We're so close. The Russians had to warn the United States they were launching that missile at Ukraine.

Yeah, because it would end the world.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Is that why Ellen left?

So it's the first time one of those missiles has ever been used.

It's based on an intercontinental ballistic missile, but they call it a mid-range.

So it's a mid-range ballistic missile.

And it easily could have a nuke on it.

So when they launched it, they had to let the United States know that they were launching it, but they didn't say if they had a nuke on it or not. Oh, really? No.
Shit. Bay of Pigs was wild.
I don't think they said, let's Google that, because what I read said... I thought they had to say, they had to have said there's no way.
Give it a go. Right? You think they said...
I think they said there's no nuke. This is just a show.
I hope that's true. Because I didn't read...
Is that what ended the fucking world? The thing that I read said that they didn't. Um, I do not know if that's true though.
But it's so hard to know what's true and what's not. Yeah, that's right.
There's so many different stories out there. You know what I would like to know? Is that footage of those...
Do I believe in dragons? Do I not? Yeah, it's so hard. I think it could've got you on this ass couch.
I think you do. It's so hard to know.
Bigfoot's real. Uh, they...
missile landing, though, was that real? Yeah. I saw that.
Because that looked fucking cool as shit. That was awesome.
It looked like lightning. Yeah, like it sucked downward.
Yeah. I mean, these are like some basically experimental things.
Now I'm drugging up for you now. The stuff that we've seen is so small in comparison to the stuff that we have.
We have stuff that would wipe out entire shelves of the continent. Let's do it.
You would kill everyone in the UK instantaneously. Good.
They're just a launch. Get them some fluoride first.
If they wanted to go ham, if there was some sort of a real nuclear war and a bunch of them launched,

and you hit Chicago with three big missiles with nukes on it, those things are a thousand times stronger than the Hiroshima bombs.

A thousand.

Twice would be enough.

Let's see what the total is.

What is the most powerful ballistic missile that carries a UFO bomb?

What can it do?

Look at this.

Whoa.

What?

Whoa.

Whoa.

Are those real?

Nothing's raining down.

It almost looks like the reverse footage of missiles firing.

Yeah, it does.

Jamie, how much more powerful are today's nuclear bombs than what they use in Hiroshima?

It's some insane. And how much more powerful is today's weed than the 70s weed? Don't you think there were some people in the 70s that had the real shit? Probably, right? Yeah.
Probably. This guy's getting cooked.
When Jay used to come to LA and he goes, New York weed's as good as LA weed. I'm like, challenge accepted.
And he assumed his weed was good. Do you remember the time- The 70s must have been that.
A bunch of dwarfs going, oh, this weed is good. And the heads were like, no, no, no.
I remember the rush I was good do you remember the 70s must have been that a bunch of dwarfs going oh this weed is good and the heads were like no i don't know remember the time we fucked up we went to philly and we fucked up because we disregarded their weed what philly weed silly philly weed we got obliterated we could barely talk on stage heroin we got obliterated it was fun it was fun show that's's like anything blow you get okay blow up there So how much bigger is it then Hiroshima? Okay, so look how tiny Rogan's Club So here is Brian Simpson vs. Kiltony 15 kilotons for little boy and the Russian ICBM has 800 kilotons.
Oh my god I don't know what that means. That's a lot suck I would suck so hard a hundred New York maps to see where I live that's so crazy great we'd just be on fire so they'd be in the fire zone I would love to be someone later generations come to see me like playing video games frozen jacking off yeah oh yeah Pompeii yeah Pompeii jack off guy that true.
A couple of those guys were gay. How do you know? Pull it up.
No, they were trying to say they were gay because they just want people to think they're gay. Abraham Lincoln was not gay, bro.
Bro, these guys were dying in the middle of a fucking furnace of ash. We may as well try some cock.
Don't you think they'd just hug each other? I mean, what would you do if your friends were there? I would not hug you. I would not hug any of you during that.
You wouldn't know what to happen. You would cling to each other.
Let's hug. There's a dog, like, mid-run.
Bro, you would cling to each other. You would cling to each other.
You'd be fucking, you'd be all cooking together. I could use a hug.
Instantaneously. Damn it! I'm not curdling with you guys.
I'm not sucking your fucking belly in. Oh, she's eating her out.
It could have been some guy just hanging out with his friend too, you fuckheads. What? Leave him alone.
It could have been a mom and a daughter. Wasn't everybody gay back then though? Why did Drew? Historians love putting gay on everybody.
I'm gay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, go back up.
Go back up. Nice cock.
Nice. Nice.
Home to an open atmosphere surrounding sexuality and sex. Uncut.
Multiple depictions of penises and sexual acts in statues and wall paintings. Oh, maybe they were gay.
Thank you. How about maybe everybody was gay back then? Maybe it's like Afghanistan.
He's like that Spartan guy from Segura's podcast. Look at that guy.
Why not go gay? What do you got to lose? There's no cameras. Alexander the Great was not gay.
What? Come on. I thought he was gay.
Not gay. Big L? How do you know? There's no His real name was Alexander the Great There's no record of him being gay But He put up some statues of bros How about that Rasputin cock? So what is the rumor for him being gay? What's it come from? It came from the movie Alexander No way, really? That he was just gay the whole movie Really? Somebody Somebody had to be gay back then, though.
Yeah. Oh, they were all gay.
They were all gay. If Diddy was...
I mean, is it like Diddy gay? Or is it like a real gay? I think it was Diddy. I think it was kind of gay.
I think it was. Is it power gay? I think it was Diddy gay.
I think he was having orgies. It's unknown if Alexander the Great was gay, but historians believe he likely had relationships with men, so he might not have engaged as he fucks dudes.
What are you trying to say? It's just like you're so sick of these Joe Behars that you're like, let me just fuck a dude. Dude, it was so long ago.
They're just making shit up. If it was to read Whoopi Goldberg and Alexander the Great, he's getting fucked.
At least I can talk to the guys. Ancient Greece, many men engaged in same-sex relationships without shame.
Yeah, I think everybody was gay back then. Why not? I think there's a lot of pedophilia.
They're going to go, look, man, every billboard was guys kissing. No, no, no.
These guys just had an excuse to me to talk about parks. This is like climate change.
This is a blip that goes up and it's going to come down again. I don't know.
That's what it's like. Yeah, guys sucking each other all over the place.
It's like, hey, that's kind of gross. I don't know.
I saw that Jaguar ad. There's always going to be a certain...
Just kill Jaguar like fucking Kid Rock killed Bud Light. I mean, what were they doing? What was that doing you didn't see the jaguar ad okay jaguar i get most of my news from being on this podcast good this is reliable i'm like abc news the jaguar ad is the fucking craziest speech the guy gives a speech like it's four years ago wait like he's in the throes of the fucking blm movement and like the the wokest of woke times really he should be wearing a when he does this speech If you find the speech the the ad is ridiculous This yeah, this is Jaguar.
What is this the Olympics sports cars? All right, well, it's not so bad. It's kind of cool.
Yeah, what is that cars like colors? Well, this is just weird, which is fine. I like weird.
Target.

Okay, but I'm asking for the press conference. Is that Megan Rapinoe?

So the press conference is where the guy starts

to talk. The ad is just weird.

But then the press conference, the guy talks about how

inclusive, they want all

diverse, and this is

you got the wrong

ones. Jacksonville Jaguars.

Shout out Gabe Davis.

Gay. Gay Davis.
Jacksonville, the gay and a bunch of nonsense. And the way they say it, it's just like, are you selling cars or not? Why are you selling this political ideology? I thought you made sports cars.
You ever see Century of the Self? Yeah, hell yeah. They're no longer selling the thing that has Adam Curtis.
They're no longer selling the thing that has the value. So, like, pian thing that has the value so like pianos stop going from like this is a good steinway piano with good sound to this will bring your family together and when you see the guy from fucking true detective going the freedom i get from driving on the road it's like that's got nothing to do with your motor that they're selling that to everybody on every front it's like subaru made with love thing you're selling this thing you're selling is not your audience.
Yeah. Your audience is people want to hear cars.
80-year-old. Oh, dude, the Jaguar Coupes are fucking badass.
They're pretty cool. They are badass.
Not anymore. That's the problem.
They're badass for guys like us. The Jaguar is always in the shop.
That was the thing. That's true.
The new ones are more reliable. You say about every single car.
No, no, no. I think the new ones are owned by Ford, actually.
They bought them. Yeah.
The new Jaguars, the V8 Coupe, is a fucking beast. Wait, Ford does this? It's an amazing car.
I don't know. I think this is a different...
They hired a guy. Did you find the press conference? Uh-oh.
JMO's drunk. You scrubbed it.
Kamala scrubbed it. Every time I type it in, it's just people complaining, like, making videos complaining about it.
I can't find it. I guarantee you can find it.
You've got to go on Reddit. Remember the Trump videos complaining Remember the Trump Episode you search Joe Rogan Donald Trump and it was like they fucked a bunch of fucking reaction videos came up first They made it impossible to find the video and we had to complain and they said it was an accident But like how did this accident happen? They wouldn't say See here's the thing.
Maybe there's a way that you can – this is me completely speculating. But maybe there's a way.
I don't like Ari Shafir. You don't.
No one is very well known. I run sort of a super pack or I think Ari Shafir has a podcast that's dangerous.
And I might be able to do something by mass complaining about your podcast like mass flagging it right like if I if I have a bot system and I can get like a million people to mass flag your video maybe it gets put into a category where it's more difficult to find they do that I'm just imagining if I ran a company and it was potentially like a beheading Taliban video and it got mass flagged you'd want it really hard to find so you would hide the actual title of it you would make it so it's difficult to search yeah I guess I'm just being as charitable as possible okay right that's what I could imagine so I don't think they want people to know that that's possible so when you ask them how did it happen it happen? They don't give you a straight explanation. Because if that's the case, and this is, again, completely me speculating.
But if I'm speculating, you find out that that's a thing, and I bet somebody does know it's a thing. If it is a thing, they definitely don't want it publicly known.
Because then all these other foreign countries, anybody who wants to stifle any kind of news story, anything, could just start using this process to hijack their system.

No, anytime I've come under public fire, it's like the videos that have nothing to do with it go lower because people are just like, let's just flag them.

So you have, like you said, a thousand people flagging it.

The bot goes, this is probably problematic.

Yeah, and they don't have the time to be searching everything.

The amount of shit that gets posted every second on YouTube is mind-blowing. Yo amount of minutes every year is insane.
About going, we're not going to do that shit anymore. Oh, yeah.
That was nice. That's the only one.
I've tried to explain to people, like, what? I'm trying to, in the kindest way possible, and this is what I've come up with. When I make fun of the dead golden girl, they can't ban me for bullying anymore.
Betty White? Yeah. They'll have to go, that's definitely not bullying.
We won't ban your account. You can actually get an answer.
But I want to hear what he said because it was so – it hyped me up. What he said is that you cannot have censorship on social media sites and you can't have the government interfering with free speech.
I don't see the word I said this video anywhere. I watched the video, Jamie.
I watched it. I'm not saying you didn't.
I'm just saying I can't find it. Okay.
We'll keep looking. You need some regularly.
You can't have the government interfering with free speech. I don't see the word I said this video anywhere.
I watched the video, Jamie.

I'm not saying you didn't.

I'm just saying I can't find it. Okay, well, keep looking.

You need some regular.

You can't have faces of death up there.

Keep looking because I know you can find it.

It only shows that this is the source of it is the Financial Times.

It says it was an interview.

Yeah, but I watched it on Instagram.

I did too.

I typed it all over the place.

I'm not seeing it.

Did you type it on Instagram, Jaguar ad? Yep. Or Jaguar press conference? I typed in the guy's name.
Damn, do they scrub it? Maybe. That's crazy.
They might. Wow, that could seem scrubbing.
Did you see they scrubbed Jeffrey Epstein's connections to Bill Clinton off of Clinton's Wikipedia? Boy, Clinton's slippery, huh? Really? He's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In July. Duncan changed my Wikipedia to Ari doesn't have any Drew Gold, but he's hidden it among

his friends.

How the fuck do I know?

Boy, you can't find it, Jamie.

You're right.

Also, the only people-

When I type in Jaguar and that guy's name, literally it says no results.

This is crazy.

Wow.

They pulled the video.

It must have been such a disaster.

They must be so terrified of things like this, of people like us talking about it.

Shane's about to get into the sponsorship.

Yeah.

See if he can find his quotes. So get his quotes, Jamie.
I've always loved Jaguar. Bud Light and Jaguar.
Drinking and driving. Look at those freaks.
Jaguar. That's crazy.
They look like aliens. Jaguar managing director, how do you say his name, Rodan Glover.
Crazy, bro. Hold on.
Said in an interview with the Financial Times, the intended message had been lost in a blaze of intolerance on social media and denied that the promotional video was intended as a woke statement. Fuck you, it wasn't.
Joe, if you put his name together, it's Raw Dong Lover. Think about that.
You ever think about that? You ever think about that? Dong Lover. You just blew my mind.
We need toablish our brand and add a completely different price point. That was a tweet.
I saw that. Oh, okay.
I'm not that quick. It did seem a little too smart.
Look at this. We need to move away from traditional automotive stereotypes.
Glover said that while the overall buzz of the new campaign had been very positive, look that ad didn't bother me at all. I thought the ad was cool.
The things that he was saying, vile hatred and intolerance in the comments regarding the individuals that appear in the video, well that I don't agree with. But what I do agree with was the things that he was saying were like crazy, like you're supposed to be a car company.
Tell me how awesome your car is. What are the quotes though? That's not his quotes in that thing.
You gotta look at Matthew McConaughey talking about Lincoln. It's got nothing to do with the car.
It's the same shit. They all do the same shit.
No, no, no. This is a press conference.
There's no car. This is like a guy on stage that was saying all these crazy things.
That's what everybody exploded about. That's what you can't find.
You can still find that commercial because the commercial is cool. I don't give a fuck if you want people painted up and dancing in a commercial.
It's visually interesting. It's like Apple like Apple, but now Jamie Google Jaguar Top of the line Coupe Whatever it is the VA V8 coupe.
Jamie type in 8008 on the coupe The top of the line whatever their fucking new one is is it called coupe? Do you actually? That thing is a beast is it not give me some volume so I can hear what this sounds like. Hold on a second.
Wait hold on. Time out.
Is it not coupe? They say coupe in England. It's like Porsche.
Yeah exactly. See if you can find one that has sound because the thing sounds fucking incredible.
It's a good looking ride. It's like a Dotson 280 SX.
Yeah. What are you talking about? What do you mean? Go to a videos, Jamie.
What do you mean? You this thing now this this is the type of car that you're you're not gonna love you buddy give me some like go to where they're driving it here we go right there okay go to where they drive it it's quite interesting getting out of something that's hundreds of thousands of dollars. These two guys are going to get caught in a volcano sucking each other.
Like Pompeii. Let's go to the woods where no one can see us.
Let's test the steering. This is the throttle house.
I'm excited with electricity. It's an amazing car.
Rear end me. That's all I have to say.
I would have bought one. I would have bought one before that press conference.
Well, the 69 Jaguar is like the most coveted collectible. Well, it's a coveted collectible.
I drove one of those. Mitzi let me drive one of those for a while.
Elon used to have one of those. Really? They're cool.
It's got the long front end. Yes, exactly.
They're interesting. There's a company that takes them and makes them resto mods now.
So they make them drivable. So you can drive one today and don't feel like you're going to die every time you hit the brakes.
Yeah, they're unreliable. If you're driving a 1969 car today, they're fucking garbage.
I got a 73 Beamer. I've never had one problem with it.
Yeah, this is the guy. This is head of marketing.
Oh, fuck. What's he wearing? Oh, my God.
Listen to what this guy says. Mateo's up there telling us what to do.

Hear what this is.

And at Jaguar, we're passionate about our people, and we're committed to fostering a

diverse, inclusive, and unified culture that is representative not only of the people who

use our products, but in society in which we all live, a culture where our employees can bring their authentic selves to on. He's dominating in that shirt.
He's like George Michael. What? Motors.
Tires. Action.
They're activists. Yo, what's up, Pride who are here tonight and they're back yo what's up pride shout out pride yeah thank you guys for coming women in engineering and neurodiversity matters we've launched major policy this is so retarded it's kind of Bud Lighty transitionary no no no transitioning at work transitioning Tranny fluid.
Oh, my God. It's so crazy that it has nothing to do with the product.
That's what I'm saying. It's crazy.
This is what you're doing. You're pushing an ideology on a bunch of people that just want cool cars.
Like, what? Like, hey, I don't disagree with any of those things. I want everybody to be happy.
But shut the fuck up when you're selling cars. What am I buying? I think, personally, the annoyance is that level of politicizing a brand, that's a big company.
That's huge. On the right, the only time you see a right-wing, it's fucking MyPillow.
It's literally fucking gold coins and MyPillow. Those are the guys giving speeches.
They're like, this country, we need to fucking... And it's it's like, fuck my.
I mean, fuck those guys. That's funny.
But when it's a major company and they're like, we're gay. Fuck you.
Yeah. He listed eight things and not one of them was the steering wheel.
Right. Bro, letting their employees be their authentic self.
Your mother likes the steering wheel. What does that even mean? Letting them be their.
So you're putting that at above. I'm going to come at you tomorrow when I get that.
You're putting that above. I've been thinking about that for three days and then come back at you.
You're putting that above making a good car, and that's all anybody gives a fuck about. Yeah.
You guys are stupid. Well, Boeing cut out the DEI.
Well, they're all cutting it out because it's killing their business. It's what killed the Democrats.
We could use a little on this show. A couple of old honkies talking shit.
He puts the glasses on because he doesn't like what he just said. We're gonna get Brian Simpson in here.
Because Simpson's fucking... Kathy Griffin, something.
That poor lady. Trump head.
Kathy Griffin got the raw deal. That was a wild one.
Especially when she had been on the fucking show. That's what's even crazier.
She was on The Apprentice. Was she really? Yeah.
I don't know. She was a guest.
But it's like. Wasn't she? I don't know about that.
Wasn't Kathy Griffin on The Apprentice? But who took her out? Which side took her out? The right. The right.
The right. That's so crazy because the right is such.
A lot of them are as gay as the left. Of course.
The woke right. They call it the woke right.
Kathy Griffin says Donald Trump smelled really bad on The Apprentice. Yeah.
Okay, that's funny. I bet Kathy Griffin didn't smell that great.
I bet she smelled pretty bad herself. I could smell you over me.
Yeah. That was from an award show that they sponsored.
It was called the Attitude Awards. What was? The Jaguar.
The Jaguar. Oh, so he's just there to speak about that.
He's talking about that. That's the problem, too Like we're hearing it about Jaguars, but he's just there to speak to that audience.
Yeah, which is either way Yeah, you're still you're publicly addressing the Jaguar like you're representing Jaguar But I mean if we're talking about like the fucking yeah, but if I were awards and we talk about Tony's Thrones It's like about his comedy? That's not what we're doing here today. That's true.
If I went to the gay fucking arena show, I'd be like, Jaguar's gay. Yeah.
If I'm trying to sell Jaguar so everyone's gay. The problem is if it gets online, right? And then people are talking about it.
Always the problem is when it's shown to an audience that's not your intended audience. Right.
Same with Tony. I'm just here to perform for these people.
Exactly. It's like the Daniel Tosh joke.
They took it out and put it on the news. Right, but the thing is we don't want a company to be attached to anything like that.
We don't want a company. We want a company to just sell cars.
I don't want you to get politically active. No.
It's frustrating. I don't want it on either side.
Right or left. If Ford was like really heavy on right wing issues and constantly chirping about right wing politics and Christianity.
Fuck abortion. Yeah.
Getting all Jesus-y. People drove people to abortions in Ford.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah.
You know, shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear it.
I want you to sell cars. But I get if that guy's there to speak to those people.
But the thing is, he's speaking at... They did.
They all do it. I can type it in.
Every single one. That's actually...
That's what I was arguing about. The Budweiser can had a gay can every June.
Every single one does. Well, they sponsored Pride.
Yeah, that's what I mean. The gay can for Pride.
Every company. Just give 50 bucks to a party in Chelsea.
Yeah. All of them.
Yeah. Look, we all like gay guys.
Of course. They're funny as hell.
That's great. He gives a shit.
Well, I hate any kind of discrimination. And imagine being gay and all of a sudden someone's telling you you can't be gay.
Like, well, Ben Shapiro had the craziest take on it. Ben Shapiro.
Oh, my dad. He thinks you should treat it like you treat not murdering somebody.
It's like it's a sin. There's a lot of things you want to do.
Ohish thing it's you treat it like gluttony drunkenness or whatever it's like it's an it's a you just got caught with that desire you should overcome it what do you jews do to relax with you you Jews are involved in like gay activities do you like keep it on the hush yeah they literally dig underground do you dig dig underground. Do you dig underground? That's for storage.
Is that what the tunnels are? No, that's for storage. No, that's for storage.
Fucking dudes. That's for storage.
They're storing bloody mattresses. That's for storage.
But no, we keep it hush-hush. Why are you studying mattresses with jizz stains all over them? Why are you storing that? How come you haven't burned that? That's not it.
Listen, there's plenty of Yeshiva rabbis who are fucking kids. They report them.
They go to jail sometimes. Sometimes they cover it up.
It's always the Catholics. They always blame the Catholics.
Exactly. You guys are all fucking kids.
But wait a minute, isn't it more Catholics, though? It's way more Catholics. I think teachers fuck more kids than priests now.
Girl teachers. Yeah, the girl teachers in Florida.
They just busted another lady. See? I'm sure she was hot as fuck.
That's the problem. She got busted.
I bet she was. Big old tatties.
The priest is creepy. Crazy look at her eye.
It's all about boy sex or girlfriend. Jamie, bring up some hot ladies.

Jamie, search Pornhub.com.

Use a VPN for that.

Jamie, bring up some hot child rapist females. I think this lady had the kid porn on her computer, too.

Oh, the Asian.

This is her.

Not bad.

Oh, no, not Asian.

Dude, you would work for that in a bar.

These girls are hot.

What are they doing?

Because they want to fuck the guy that they couldn't fuck in high school.

That's Adrian Appalucci's joke. They go back.
Is that what she says? How bad are men that women have to turn to a fucking 14-year-old boy to fulfill their desires? This wasn't happening in the 80s, though. I think they see a guy that's going to be a stud and they say, I want to get him first.
Look at that teacher. Oh, my God.
Bite that lip with those glasses on. You dirty lady.
Let her. Wow.
Tell me about scripture. Do you have your magic underwear? Set it loose.
And the kids are into it. So that makes it also okay.
Yeah, the kids are hard as a rock. They can come 30 times a day.
And they become prom king after this. You're the most popular kid in the city.
Yeah, but they got big mouths, these fucking kids. Yeah, well, I would duck.
That's what it is. She made sex tapes.
28 of them. Bold.
Bold. With a 13-year-old.

What a wild bitch.

Missouri goes.

Asking other students to keep watch.

Wow.

She was having sex with kids while asking.

You knew the NFL team is what happened.

She was asking other kids to watch while she banged a kid.

Fuck the auto.

What?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're talking over everybody.

To be a lookout.

We're just watching it.

She's asking other kids to watch out. Look.
Damn. She had a a lookout.
One on one teacher of the year. They were on the lookout.
Who's this lady holding a fish, dude? If she fucked a kid, I'm gonna be pissed. She fucked all the kids.
That's her. Look at her.
Florida, middle school. Always Florida.
14 year olds. Yes, ma'am, you did it.
Good job with the fish and the legs. That lady goes to the gym's a freak.
She can't take it. Man.
She was born to be wild. There's not a lot of hot male pedophiles.
Born to be wild. Look at her.
Bro, she's always got a fucking can of alcohol in her hand. Dude, we can't be doing what we're doing.
She's like that Vegas senator. Do they go to jail, these gals? I hope not.
Please, let them back out. Jamie was picking the hottest one.
Just bleach their hair and change their name. You got that mustache and ponytail.
You're a fucking sex pervert. He bookmarked it.
You're fucking finding the hottest rapist teachers. Jesus Christ.
Well, if it's consensual. Just dye her hair.
Change her name. Move her around like they move around those Catholic priests.
That's what I say. Do a bumper sticker like the honor roll.
move her around like they move around those Catholic priests that's what I say do a bumper sticker like the honor roll move her around

Like they move those Catholic priests they should have a new division of the Trump administration

Just move freaks around to some kids who don't know how to write

That'll motivate you

Some kids who know to keep their fucking mouth shut this is like we found a group of boys

Understand that I keep a fucking secret these little rats. This is Billy Madison Want to touch the hiney? Can I have a beer too? Yes, sir.
That nice lady sucked your dick and you got her locked up in a cage. Veronica Vaughn.
So hot. There's so many of them and they're hot.
They're all hot. That's what's crazy.
Also, these kids can get a boner. You can't get a boner.
That's the thing.

They got a lot of boners.

They know wrong is right. I lost my virginity to like a 50-something year old and I think she was

like, I need a guy who can get hard.

Nice, Rogan. Nice.

You're on the map, baby. We're back.

That's what we do. It's good to have you back.

Thank you. That's what we do.

Jamie, what type of music are we going to listen to while we bong

these beers?

Something without a copyright.

Born to be wild.

I think we need to hear that.

Jamie, give me that.

Find a cover.

Steppenwolf.

Get a cover version.

Oh, wait, are we allowed to play music?

Yeah, we're going to do it on Spotify.

Oh, sick.

We released these only on Spotify so we can still go wild.

No.

Yeah, that's what we do now.

Didn't we disagree?

Yes. Can we do clips on YouTube? Yeah, that'll put clips on.
It's real. It's just songs.
Palestine. Fuck yeah.
Whoa. Coming to San Jose, the motherfucking day.
Yes. Fuck yeah.
Yeah. What a country.
What a country. What a country.
Were you guys happy when Trump won? No You wouldn't work for Netflix It was funny because I've done it the last three times with Trump The first time he won I've never voted I still have that But I didn't think I wanted Trump to win until he won the first time. And then when he won, I was like, yes.
Well, my crypto went way up. I'll tell you what.
Me and Bobby didn't find out who won until Saturday. Bobby Kennedy? Bobby Kelly.
Oh. And I am feeling in New York, a liberal area, a calmness.
Yeah, they're all chill. They're all chill.
They took a day. Daddy's home.
They took like a day to be like... I'm feeling a sense of kind of relief.
I'm just like an observer. They've got to know they're out of control.
Well, people were more mad at Tony than the whole Trump winning. That's got to be our...
That's just our world. If you go tell anyone, you go Tony Hinchcliffe.
Do you remember that? I don't know. That's just our world.
That's just our world. Cowards and traitors.
If you go tell anyone, you go Tony Hinchcliffe. Do you remember that? I don't know.
Right. That's just our world.
He's easy to hate. That's true.
Especially if you don't know him. He's trying.
He's trying to get hated. He likes being hated.
He's a villain in a pro wrestling show. He's a heel.
And the heels went wide, and it became a different vibe. Yeah.
When it was Stone Cold, I think, goes in Kansas City and goes, goes Kansas City your women are all ugly and your barbecue tastes like ketchup and cardboard Stone Cold? I think so yeah he better not have and it was just shitting on and it was like he's just healing it's fun clearly just a down syndrome guy at wrestling healing is fun and that's what Tony likes to do but it's like if you're one of those people that's not doing well and you see this guy selling out Madison Square Garden in 40 minutes you're like what the fuck people get mad they get angry David Taylor said this he's worded so well he goes all the comics got mad I'm not gonna say any names you know them the ones that got mad at Tony because they spent 8 straight years trying to be politically relevant and none of them could really do it and they were earnest while they they were doing it. And then Tony, with some jokes, became the national talking point of politics and it tore them apart.
Ooh, that's accurate. Damn, Tony should flip it.
He goes, if you hate me, you're homophobic. Yeah.
But he's not gay, dude. Thank you.
He's not? No. He's somehow against all odds.
These are cold. These are cold beers.
He's not gay. I would sit it down.
You're down. Sit it down.
You don't need to. Jamie, you got a song to go with this? I want to hear Born to be Wild.
Okay. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie. Jamie.
Jamie.ell. That's the name.
Wait. Wait on it.

Wait for the hook. Yes.
I better start now. Oh, he's gone.
I can't believe I was worried about this day. Day drinking rules.
Let's get two more. Explode into space.
Keep it going, Jamie. I'm going to warm a couple of years out.
You haven't finished it?. No, Mark takes 10 minutes.
I'm a liquor guy. This is your cold plunge.
Come on. Fire all your guns at once and explode into space.
I'm a true nature child. We were born, born to be wild.
We can find some Never wanna die Born to be wild Can you imagine not being American How fucking gay you are? You're Jaguar gay You're fucking Jaguar gay I take back all I said about the Jaguar guy. I kind of spoiled the Jaguar.
I see the point now that I realize it was a big old Pride meeting. Yeah.
He was speaking correctly for that environment. He was doing what Tony did.
It's just a problem. There you go.
And it was given to the wrong audience. Fucking let go of Tony.
I mean, I love him. I don't know.
I love him, too. We all love Tony.
He's fine. When he gets on stage now, it's like fucking Richard Pryor just arrived.
They go nuts. Which is good.
That's what he needed. When I introduced him a couple of times, like right after it was happening, the pop was fucking insane.
I got legitimately distressed over comedians coming after comedians. It really bothered me.
Yeah, it's a bummer. Yeah, I'm like Santa Claus.
I'm making a list, checking it twice. Of course, but also, who's naughty all night? How are you surprised by this? Comedians across the board are fucking dildos.
I don't feel like they used to be. We keep talking about a time that I've never been around when it existed.
That's the LA Times. The LA Times in the peak, it wasn't like that.
It wasn't like that. They would shit on us being dirty, but not publicly.
I was never around.

It was fun. The LA Times before everybody went

woke, like 2014 to 2018,

it was fun. The LA Times?

The LA Times. When we were in LA,

when the comedy store, when you filmed

your special. You filmed your special in 2014,

I came back to the store,

it was popping. It was

popping and it was super positive for a long

time. The only thing that would get you on is, you're toobrow all right that's fair that's just that's just tense but it wouldn't be a public admonishment of your material social media fuck that up well it's also like people don't feel like they're getting enough attention for what they're doing yeah and who also like i don't know again i'll say again i was never around when comedians were positive Mmm, you were in the wrong spot In LA was all the first mainstream I wasn't even doing it.
It was alt versus main. New York was pretty positive, but in New York we hung out with the alt people We hung out with them.
Alt people like Patton, those kind of guys They were mad at us for being better than them and we were mad at them for being witty Well, the thing was we were free. We were free.
We could do the stuff still that they did when they used to do. If you go back to Patton's earlier albums, he'd get canceled for a lot of those bits.
Oh, the retard bit? He's got a bunch of... They're funny.
But they're funny. All we saw with Patton was so tag-heavy.
Yeah, well, he's a great comic. He's a great comic and especially back then when he was free.
His KFC bullshit was great. It was like, God damn, this setup.
Tac, tac, tac, tac, tac, tac, tac. You know what I said to him once? It is totally true.
He's like the best I've ever seen at making a premise work where I would have never imagined. He would take a premise.
He's like, where's he going with this? I can't believe this is working. That's crazy.
Calling his TiVo retarded. When his daughter called someone at Starbucks a monkey.
Yeah. Remember that? He's great.
Remember that bit? I never heard that one. They're great bits, man.
Yeah, he's great. They're killer bits.
He's funny. But you get captured, man.
If you're around a bunch of other fucking cowards, and everyone's backstabbing everybody, and there's this weird compliance thing where you have to completely adhere to an ideology 100%, hook, line, and sink, or you're cast out as a Nazi. but he doesn't because his his true self is oh cool Chappelle wants me there although but isn't that why we got into this to respond we got into this to be free you gotta hang out with you gotta have a bunch of people like us you have a bunch of where we're all friends and we all are free and if you don't have that you don't know what the fuck to do.
Bro, I barfed in Shane's toilet and blamed it on O'Connor. I knew it was you.
I knew it was you, you scum. O'Connor's like, bro, that you were so drunk.
Immediately, I knew that was you. And then Kyla was like, were you here? I'm like, did you get my present? I knew it was you.
Obviously, it was me. That was when we did the 999.
Yeah, that was a mistake. Bro, when you did a skank fest and shit in that Tupperware and they opened it up, I gagged watching the video.
He shamed in the video. No, no, no.
It was Legion of Skanks. Legion of Skanks.
What did I say? Skank fest, I just shit on stage. I'm done now.
That was the heights. How did you get the note in the turd? Shoved it up my butt.
Whoa. Jesus, son.
Shoved it up my butt, wrote in. You know Gigi Allen sucked? Oh, musically, yeah.
Me too. comedically I've got nothing You're a prop comic now you're shitting on stage.
He's the only shit comic if somebody tries to shit on stage now They're like, oh, you're stealing from our Oh, yeah You can't tell you take your shirt off anymore There's a bunch of guys who used to take their shirts off right really has to be your turd kreischer. I can't believe that Bert was the only guy in the history of stand-up to take his shirt off on stage.
Joey definitely has. He's just the only one who did it two times in a row.
Right. And then 1,000 times in a row.
Right. Did Joey ever take his shirt off on stage? Nope.
He took his whole clothes off on stage. No, just bottoms.
Just bottoms. Kept his top on always.
Okay. So there's got to be a person other than Bert.
it possible that Burt invented taking your shirt off when you do your set? Probably. Janet Jackson.
Who would? There's an old, that's not happening. The thing is his last recorded set with his shirt on.
Really? Pull it up! Well, every time he used to do the OR, he used to leave his shirt up. Because he felt like the OR, it was like too real there.
He felt bad when he took his shirt off. Minnesota, Penn State, pull up the score.
Now he takes his shirt off every time he gets on stage. He has to.
He's trapped. He gives away his shirts.
He throws them to the crowd. I don't think he's even trapped doing it.
I think he's... He likes it.
He likes it. He likes it if he wanted to.
It's also like the crowd likes it. He likes it.
Who cares? I think he feels free. Yeah.
What happens if he gets ripped? That'll never happen. Oh, yeah.
What happens if Perkristian gets ripped? If he finds his true self. He's on the tee.
If he gets under 300 pounds, it's a massive coupe. Coupe.
Coupe d'état. Jamie, I was expecting the Golden Gophers' Penn State score.
Oh I never forgot what they did Penn State? Never forget They raped a bunch How crazy is that? They covered that up forever The best was Sandusky going I can't just live next to a children's school? That's it! If! That's the issue! If you look into that one, though, that's one that's like a conspiracy one. What do you mean? That's not one guy.
He was running, it was called Second Mile Foundation. It was a bunch of kids.
It was like Boys Town in the what's the thing from Nebraska? Whatever. So he was running like a child section? Yeah, yeah, he was running like, second mile was for like, uh, kids without parents and shit like that.
Oh, those are the best. And he was, and he, it was, Is he dead? Sandusky? No, he's still kicking.
Really? Is he really? He's in prison, though. He's in prison.
I'm sure they didn't get him, because they hate child fuckers. He's too old, though.
Oh, what are you talking about? They would kill him. Yeah.
Yeah. They'll kill anybody.
If he got a general population, I mean, he might be protected. Yeah, he's probably protected.
Maybe they're playing football. Protect our pervs.
I heard somebody, what's his name, Lee, was... Harvey Oswald.
Dating somebody who worked in prisons. She was talking about EBC.
Bobby Lee Harvey Oswald Lee. And she goes, anyone who's at all a celebrity at all, screech level, gets watched a thousand minutes a day.
And for Epstein to be unwatched is undoable. Also, that was under the Trump administration.
Yeah. When Epstein got killed.

Listen, it didn't matter what administration.

That is some very powerful people.

It has nothing to do with who's the president.

No, I know, but he, you know.

Why has that come out?

Not a word.

Not a list.

Not a thing.

Nothing.

Well, jizz is still there.

Yeah, what's going on with that?

And I would imagine it's not going to either.

No, I didn't.

He's lame.

Everybody's like, when Trump gets in office, the Epstein. Yeah.
Yeah, right. He's going to tell it himself.
Yeah. It was fun.
Yeah. You were on an island.
We would have all gotten on that plane. Let's be honest.
Yeah. And the reality is, they were running that for a long time.
And there was probably a whole network of connected, powerful people that told you it was cool. Nothing's going to come of it.
We're going to have a good time. We're going to go to the island.
Meet Stephen Hawking. No one probably told you these girls are 16.
All you knew is there was girls there. I bet there was also some adult sex.
It was designed to be the coolest thing possible. Just like these ditty parties.
Right. Same kind of situation.
You get there. You get loose.
First of all, celebrities do not feel comfortable unless they're around people that are like them Celebrities yeah if you're Jamie Foxx like Jamie Foxx is cool when he's around Kevin Hart cuz Kevin Hart is famous, too Yeah, he's taking a photo. Oh, so you know these people that are like super powerful world leaders What's their fucking peer group other super powerful world leaders? Then they mix in a bunch of scientists And a bunch of like very influential intellectual people that are interesting to hang out with yeah And then you get a free trip to an island you're partying and then they're telling you it's cool We do this all the time and you're like, okay And then You go to I bet there was a bunch of like Clinton picture up Imagine your Clinton you go to a man.
What's the picture? What the fuck is that all about? I think there's some above age sex to where like like and like wait what's going on that room like you're not cool 100% sure there's a bunch of ladies the whole thing. You're a dork.
You're just fucking 19 year olds. They're all married guys You're all in trouble.
You're all busted. Also, if you're fucking a bunch of ladies the whole thing is just you're just a married guys They're all married guys.
You're all in trouble. You're all busted Also, if you're fucking a bunch of girls and you're supposed to be some guy talks about physics.
No, I don't want to listen to you about physics I got video of your dick You like pleasure you like dick pleasure unlike me. I don't I don't So there's all these people that are hypocrites that are judging a bunch of people that went to this fucking island that you would have went to Too especially if you didn't know what the fuck was going on and you're some dork who teaches complex mathematics at Princeton And you're looking for some money.
Yeah, you're looking for a funding for this. They're like hey, there's gonna be some rich guys Oh shit, there's fucking kids here Epstein would fund science.
He funded a bunch of different science projects. Damn.
And then you have fucking Clinton. It was a well-designed trap that would trap literally any human on Earth.
Listen, man, the Israelis know what they're doing, right, Ari? Yeah, they do know what they're doing. That dude, that pager thing was...
Oh, that was diabolical. Slick.
Great. That was great.
You gotta appreciate that. That was James Bond shit.
You had to go from like, they're gonna buy

from this site.

What a fucking win.

Intercept the packages. Who buys a pager?

These guys were doing it because

everything was compromised. Because in today's day

with Pegasus, the Israelis have Pegasus,

they listen to any phone they want.

They listen to your phone, my phone, anybody's phone they want to.

Shit. Uh-oh.
Even when your phone is off, they can listen to it. Yikes.
These murderers would take their phone with them to bury a body. Dumbassers.
Leave it at home. Leave that phone at home.
They can't help but check TikTok. You're going to want to watch TikTok.
They're addicted to the reels. But the P.
Diddy. Why can't we get anything concrete? All we really have is the hotel hallway beat ass.

That one is in the process.

I don't know.

It's going to be months.

But hold on.

He's in jail.

There's a lot going on.

There's a lot of lawsuits.

That one is like, we're going to find out.

Jamie Foxx just recently said that P. Diddy poisoned him.

Whoa.

And that's why he got that stroke.

I've heard that.

He talked about it on stage.

He said it.

He said it.

What?

He got poisoned him. He said it.
He goes, I didn't have a heart attack because of the vaccine. It was Diddy shutting me up.
See if we can find that. Because he said it on stage.
Diddy was poisoning people? Bro, I think there was some crazy shit going on. Like Cosby shit? Like drugging? Diddy wasn't even that big.
I think it was murders. There's alleged murders.
A bunch of people that got pneumonia. A bunch of convenient people that died of pneumonia.
Jamie Foxx addresses whether Diddy was responsible for his 2023 hospitalization while filming Netflix special. Holy shit.
Jamie Foxx has a Netflix special? He talked about it on his Netflix special. Did they not care about at all stand-up? Jamie Foxx is hilarious.
Audience members, hold on, go back. Oh, I see him at clubs

all the time,

working out his bits.

What is that, Sheriff's?

I only respect grinders.

The audience members

had varying accounts

of the comedian's words.

Two of them claimed

that Foxx said

Diddy was responsible

for what happened to him,

that he's the one

who called the FBI on Diddy,

who's currently in prison

awaiting trial

on sex trafficking charges.

A source close to Diddy

insisted to Daily Mail

that there is no truth to Sean Combs putting Jamie Foxx in the hospital. There's no chance it was a joke? I mean, yeah, it was a joke, but a joke based on truth or not truth? It is possible.
That's totally possible. I chose the Daily Mail.
That's totally possible, but it's also possible he was explaining while he wound up going to the hospital, and he hasn't talked about it since. He never talked about it.

Look at this.

Big homie CC, a celebrity security guard, claimed in an interview with Cam Capone News last week that Fox was poisoned by Diddy.

I know Combs poisoned Jamie Foxx, and Jamie Foxx reported him to the FBI because of it.

Jamie Foxx reported this man to the FBI because of this, he claimed.

So I've seen that video where that guy's talking about how Jamie Foxx reported.

He says he was poisoned three times, I think, in it.

Oh, he said it as well?

Yes, he said it as well. He said like why do I have cyanide in my system? That's a legit question.
Why do I have a Jamie Foxx wipes away tears as he gives his artistic explanation of mystery illness. I love tears in a comedy special That's how I fall into clickbait.
What is that? Artistic explanation of mystery illness. I love tears in a comedy special.
That's how we fall into clickbait. What is that? Artistic explanation of mystery illness.
I know. We're on a weird site, and that's how you fall into clickbait.
Oh, boy. So I don't know if it's true.
We won't know until we see the actual Jamie Foxx Netflix special, which Ari has bookmarked. He's ready to go.
Yeah. Did you see the Rosie O'Donnell, like a bunch of stuff before we're talking about it? She looks like Steve Bannon.
Hers just making jokes over the years about Diddy and him going to jail and what he's doing wrong. Really? It was like Cosby.
Rosie O'Donnell was joking about it? It was like they all knew about it, but you can't quite talk about it. Meanwhile, all these people are moving to Europe.
That's right. How wild is that? Like Ellen just moved to England? Like, see ya.
Well, better health care. Is he talking about it here? Pull it up.
This is December 10th. Oh, hell yeah.
That's why I couldn't get a December date? He's a talented guy. What Happened Was.
Wow, it's called What Happened Was. Ooh, that's going to be a big one.
It might be like a one-man show rather than stand-up. If they make a trailer like that, it's like...
What happened was? I got drugged by both that. It's so funny.
It's going to win a Grammy. So I wake up and I'm sucking LeBron's dick.
I don't know how I got here. LeBron.
Another guy scared of China. LeBron.
Oh, yeah. I was talking with my friends earlier.

I don't think LeBron... LeBron's one of the only famous guys that never got hit with a pedophile

fucking accusation. He might have never

fucked a child.

As crazy as that is. LeBron might be the man.

Did you ever say him fake

reading Malcolm X's book?

He does his interviews where he shows

up with a book.

He's in the locker room. Can't put this book down.
I defend him on that. We've all done that.
I've read the first chapter of every book on earth. Have stuff on our bookshelf.
I went over to Callan's house once, and he had something like Catcher in the Rye sitting on his coffee table. I go, you're not reading that.
I go, you have that out there when girls come over. He goes, you're right.
He goes, how did you do that? I go, you scumbag. I go, that's like so obvious.
That's such a fucking dork. I would have thought that guy could be a phony.
It's also a serial killer book. Every serial killer had it.
Carolyn was so nutty when I first visited him, when I first started hanging out with him. He didn't have a lock on his door, and someone broke his doorknob off, and he left it off.
And so he didn't have anything. He had clothes and a couple of books that he pretended to read and a lady a homeless lady walked into his apartment while he was sleeping and was cooking breakfast and he goes downstairs he smells something cooking he goes downstairs there's a homeless lady in his kitchen cooking she's like you got it going on honey look at all the stuff you got here and and he's like uh you have to you have to leave like what like calum It was wild.
Damn. He didn't even't have a doorknob His doorknob was broken up.
There was a hole in the doorknob area where you could just push open the door So he would just shut that door and go to sleep in Venice Damn In Venice I was like dude you're gonna die He's got to be careful because squatters they're hard to get rid of well back then there was no squatters There was none of that then. I don't know when all that shit started happening when people decided they could move into people's houses, but it wasn't a common thing back then.
Israel. They have laws.
You can't get rid of those people. I know.
It's crazy. Especially in some states.
Stan Hope. I heard a story of Stan Hope where he had homeless people on his porch.
He was like, whatever. Well, the homeless said he stabbed the guy.
Yeah. And he goes, whatever.
Just don't be weird, but it's fine. And then he comes home.
The chicken stabbed the dude. He goes, you guys got to go.
What? And they go, no, no, we're cool. He goes, it's too much, you guys.
You got to go. It's too much.
He videotaped her with blood on her hand. And she's staring at her hand.
She goes, I'm a cunt. I'm a whore.
I'm a cunt. I'm a whore.
She was sounding like crazy. She was schizophrenic.
And he's like, no, you're just a cunt. She was completely schizophrenic.
These people were like camped out. Stanhope had a house in Venice that had the American flag painted on the side of the house.
The whole house was the American flag. That's fun.
It was hilarious. And we parted at his house multiple times.
And he was just such a silly boy. And he let these people just sleep in his...
I'm like, you let these people just sleep there? Do you know them? He goes, yeah, they're good friends. Venice is wild.
Venice is creepy. There's something weird about that area.
He loved it. It's perfect for Santa.
It is perfect for him. He fit in like OJ's glove.
It was perfect. Is he still in Bisbee? Yeah, he's the king of Bisbee.
Why would he leave? Didn't his house catch on fire or something? Oh, yeah. He'd go to another one.
Oh, yeah. He could live in a teepee out there.
It never gets hot. It never gets cold.
It gets hot. It doesn't get too cold.
All right, boys. Do it for America.
Yeah. America versus Israel.
Oh, shit. That's the end of that.
Israel's done. Not bad.
Not bad. Did you see Tony play drums on stage? With Jelly Roll? With Jelly Roll? That ruled.
No. That fucking ruled.
He played drums. He killed it.
That fucking ruled. He killed it.
Jelly Roll's the fucking man. Jelly Roll's the fucking man.
Oh, yeah. Good guy.
He's the man. He was out here the other day.
Hangs out at the club.

So cool.

I DM'd him like, hey, buddy, we've never really hung out.

Everybody I know likes you.

Let's hang out.

If you're in New York, come hang out.

And he was like, yeah, dude, that's great.

Here's my number.

Text me.

And he gave me a fake number.

No.

You got jellied.

No.

That's like well played.

That's hilarious.

No, that was an accident.

I don't know.

He's going to see you. Fucking rules.
He probably gave you an old number and he forgot because he was high. Damn.
I doubt he did that. I thought it was cool as shit.
I doubt. I was like, hey, man, it's all right.
Nothing. I'm like, nah, well, nice.
Severely doubt. Yeah, he wouldn't do that, but that is very funny.
That is very funny. It's very funny.
Especially to do it to you. I told you the Kid Rock watch story last time, right? That was great.
That was good. He gave us a fake watch and left, and he was like, I want you to have this.
Fake diamonds. And me and my friends fought about it for 20 minutes.
He gets it. I was like, oh, this is from Amazon.
This is a $5 watch. He wore it all night to trick us.
How crazy was the garden with all those guys? It was crazy. Kid Rock.
Yeah. Dana White.
It was nice. John Jones bowing to Trump.
It was like the gladiator bowing to the emerald. The pop when Trump walked in the building was like, you had to be there to understand.
It was like it always is a huge pop when he shows up every time. But this was like triple that.
It was a five minute standing ovation. Jesus.
Five minute. Wow.
It is crazy that we've lost sight of a president-elect is coming in. This is awesome.
We've just lost sight of what that means. President is out.
I can only judge someone by how I experience them. I like the guy.
He's fun. But it's funny he shit on you and then he can still.
He plays. He barely shit on him.
He said something kind of crazy, though. It was like, I wonder how loud I'm going to get booed at the UFC out of all the places.
Maybe at the mothership. But also, Shane at Kiltony MSG, which is shitting on, as Trump, shitting on Rogan.
And then Rogan coming out. It was so funny watching from the sideline.
They all knew. And then you come up, the applause.
And Shane's like, okay, that means he's here. I don't have to turn.
And just going. What a great guy.
Get it? What a great guy. Slowly turn.
I don't know what Trump would do. Yes, that was great.
Great guy. I always loved him.
I'm scared. There's nothing weirder than being a part of a presidential election.
It's real weird. Weird.
Nothing weirder. Especially, Ari, you were here the fuck.
You were in episode three or some shit of this podcast. Imagine this fucking thing.
Somehow or another affects the thing that we used to do in my spare bedroom. I was just talking to somebody at an airport or something.
Does he do that from his house? I'm like, no, he used to. And then he had enough porn stars on that go like that.
It was mostly Andy Dick. I didn't want Andy Dick at my house.
And then there was a few other people. I was like, we have to have a location.
And then we did it at Red Bands for a little while, but that was too complicated. We were the first one to get a studio.
Fleshlight was in there. Yeah, I was like, I gotta get out of my house.
I have young kids, and I have too many weirdos coming over the house. Yeah.
Like I got to get a studio. Yeah.
Whoa. Yeah.
Fleshlight was in there. Yeah, I was like, I got to get out of my house.
I have young kids, and I have too many weirdos coming over the house. Yeah.
Me alone shouldn't be at your house. You were over there before the podcast, bitch.
But it was like one of those things where I was like, okay, I think it's growing, so I'll probably just accept it and move on. The next move is the ranch boys.
I can't wait. Oh, I've been looking.
I've been looking.

We're going to do something crazy. Can't wait that.
We're going to have a helicopter pad. Let's shoot some

guns. Oh, we're going to have that.
I'm going to make

a tactical range. We're blowing out cars

and shit. Let's blow up a cow.

I'm looking at locations. They're trying to fight Russia.
Let's hurry up.

I don't really think Putin's that

stupid. I think he's going to realize what's going

on and I think they're probably

working this out. Alex Jones said that Trump is having secret meetings.
At Mar-a-Lago? At Mar-a-Lago. I hope it's stupid.
I think he's going to realize what's going on, and I think they're probably working this out.

Alex Jones said that Trump is having secret meetings.

At Mar-a-Lago?

At Mar-a-Lago.

I hope it's true.

I hope it's true.

I'm trying to come up with some sort of a...

Mark Mark Marks.

Zelensky tried to come on.

Whoa!

Yeah, they tried to get Zelensky on.

I was like, what are you talking about?

Do you...

When you get an offer for somebody,

they must come at your bookers or whatever.

Do you stop and like, like hold on let me think

about this whether I want to be part of the story

or not whether it'll be interesting or not

well I wanted to stay out of the presidential

election shift because it's gross

because I feel like I had to I feel like this is

so nuts this is so nuts when that

Tim Walz guy that guy

it's so nuts that guy was going to be the vice

president you're telling me

you're telling me this whole thing's fake

then you're telling me you don't care if someone's

a liar you don't care if they lied about their military

I'm sorry. It's so nuts that that guy was going to be the vice president.
You're telling me this whole thing's fake then. You're telling me you don't care if someone's a liar.
You don't care if they lied about their military rank, where they served. You don't care if they lie about being an assistant.
You don't care if they lie about Tiananmen Square. There's too many things.
This is so crazy. You would get fired if you were an assistant manager at a fucking oil-changing company.
Jiffy Lube would fire you. So let me ask you a question, though.
In two years from now, there's no more Kamala, there's no more Democrats for a while. We're deep into the next thing.
Can all these people now make fun of the current president? Yeah, they should be able to. They should be able to.
They should be able to. You should always be able to make fun of people.
And if Trump does something stupid, we're going to be right here making fun of him. It doesn't mean you don't like the guy.
He's the best chance to avoid World War III, which is a pretty good candidate. Also, J.D.
Vance, Vivek, Tulsi Gabbard, all these people, RFK Jr., all these people are very promising. The anti-war lady Tulsi Gabbard going to Trump, and the pro-war guy, Dick Cheney, going to the other way, is like, that should kind of tell you what you need to know about international wars.
How about the fact that the left was openly embracing the fact that Dick Cheney invoided Kamala. You should be like, get out of here.
Or endorsed Kamala, rather. They weren't going like, what? That's like Epstein endorsing you.
No one was standing back and saying, this guy's responsible for how many fucking people died in Iraq? Have you ever seen Vice, the movie about him? Yeah. Kind of made me a fan.
About who? seen him. It was supposed to make you not like him.
Really? Made you a fan? Probably. Jamie, have I talked about this before? No, he was a cool guy in that movie.
In the movie, there's a part where he's like a drunk piece of shit. Who? Dick Cheney.
Oh. He's working on power lines in fucking Wyoming or some shit.
And he's just getting in drunk bar fights. And then his wife, Lynn Chaney, is like, are you going to be a loser your whole life? Yeah.
And he's like, no. The Howard Stern movie.
No, I won't. And then he conquers the world.
Right. And kills a million people.
Yeah, but is that what happened? Remember when he shot his friend? By the way, Dick Chaney, no offense, I love you. You think you're great.
Remember when he shot his friend? Yeah, he shot his friend in the face. Shot him in the face.
His friend apologized. Baller.
Beast. Yeah, pretty crazy.
Beast is right. That's a lot of pop.
Sorry, I was in the wrong place. The wrong time.
That's on me. You shot me in the fucking face? That's on me.
I should be aware that you're retarded. Come on.
You were drunk. You got a shotgun.
Jesus. That's Randy Marsh saying, I'm not against big toilet paper.
No, we love Dick Cheney. Republicans buy sneakers, too.
What? What? Sneakers. Sneakers.
Sneakers. That was close.
That was close. That was close.
I'm playing a sound like it. Snickers.
Sneakers. I need something else.
Sneaker, please. Let's mix it up.
What's another good patriotic song? Hold on hold on Oh the Hulk Hogan America song That's actually great That's a good one Let's go with that one Is that fuck yeah? No it's not a fuck yeah But it's great Bang bang bang bang It's probably the number one song How crazy is it They had Hulk Hogan Rip his shirt off At a political rally And how could you not be behind it? It's wacky time.

Wow.

Damn, this does hit.

Oh, man. I forgot it.

It's my childhood.

For life.

Simone's getting harsh.

Damn, he's brown.

He's getting his tics up.

Look how brown he looks.

Is that brown face?

When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside. That was me as a mascot.

Who sang this?

Who sang this?

Him.

No.

This Hulk.

No.

It's a crazy photo.

It says 21 million views.

21 million views.

That's insane

Rick Derringer

He's a guy

Catch me on the ride

Okay let's go

Mark

3, 2, 1, go

You better do it all Mark

Do it Mark

Do it, Mark. Do it, Mark.
Come on, Mark. You better finish that.
Mark, think about that. Just keep pouring.
Think about America. Think about America.
Do it to stop the war in Ukraine. Not bad.
That's good. Not bad, Mark.

Not bad.

Best one yet.

Best one yet.

Best one yet.

Now, take what's left in mine and you drink it.

Oh, shit.

The jizz bucket.

Like a dirty person.

That's a real one.

That's a real American.

Yeah, that might have been the best one.

You drink the backwash.

Who, me?

Yeah, the opener.

What am I doing?

Mark should have to do that.

Don't be a coward.

Drink the backwash.

Don't be a coward.

No, no, no.

Don't do it. Do it.
Do it. Do it.
Do it. Do it.
Fuck it. You're done, Ariel.
You're on me for a second. Shane, stop me.
Wow. He doesn't even reach his mouth.
He doesn't even reach his mouth. I'll do it.
I don't give a fuck. Let's go.
Oh, you're sick. You hate to do it.
I have one of these in my studio for my podcast. That's almost like jizz.
That's almost like a drink. It's almost like a drink.
Talk him into doing something. That's basically pre-cum.
Okay, you guys got to shut up for a second. Because you're all looking really hot right now.
I like how you're diverse. If there's a volcano, I'm sucking one of you.
Volcano? That's insane. I'm sucking a volcano.

Oh, no.

Pompeii.

I'm about to erupt.

Bro, imagine living near Yellowstone, just knowing one day that baby's going to go.

As soon as it does, I'm hitting the fucking...

That might be the spot to be, though.

You might want to be right there instead of starve to death in Maine.

Yeah.

Yeah, it'd be a funny episode of the show.

Do you remember about the second Yosemite?

Hey, are we doing the show in Mar-a-Lago?

Well, we were gonna, but you said, I don't want to influence an election. We were gonna.
I changed my mind after they shot at him. That changed everything.
Who do you think shot at him? CIA? Just one guy? No, and I think they, what's the saying? They fucking, they got rid of the goalie? What's that saying? Pull the goalie? They pulled the goalie on that one Defense wise Like the I think they let a boy go That boy was in a BlackRock commercial I just corrected you on sports That is a weird one He was in a BlackRock commercial And there's a cell phone data record See if you can find this So I don't fuck this up There's cell phone data record Of a phone That came from an area that's near the FBI headquarters back and forth to this kid's home. This kid's home was professionally scrubbed.
No silverware, no nothing. Hold on, I'm not done.
They cremated him 10 days after the assassination attempt. There's no toxicology reports.
There there's no press conference if Someone tries to shoot a guy who eventually winds up being the president-elect You should at least find out if this guy was drugged was he on crack? Like what was he doing? You would do that you would do that then you release it publicly He was under the influence of psychotic drugs You would do something you don't want to know. At least there should be an account of how this happened.
It's probably on SSR. What went wrong.
The only thing, for sure. Definitely.
The only thing that went wrong, or the only thing that did happen, rather, was the head of Secret Service, that lady, the Secret Service, the, whatever it is. She was great.
Secret Service, I'm a little drunk. Secret Service lady, that lady got fired, but she didn't want to get fired.
She tried to keep her job. She actually tried to explain.
And the dumbest explanation, there was a sloped roof. Which there wasn't.
But also, there was a sloped roof where the other snipers were on. It was more sloped.
Sloped roof, so what? So it was too dangerous to have snipers up there. Someone who regularly visited Crook's home and work also visited a building in D.C.
located in Gallery Place. This is the same vicinity as an FBI office on June 26, 2023.
Whose device is that? Hold on. Devil's Advocate.
I've lived in D.C. I've lived in the area.
There's FBI stuff everywhere. How close is...
Oh, wow. That close? That close? No.
I pulled back. I pulled back.
That's the same block. I think, I think the accusation was that they'd done it more than one time.
Fuck. Wait.
D.C. Oh, there it is.
There it is. There it is.
There it is. There it is.
Hold on. Hold on.
Sorry. We found a device linked to Crook's work that traveled to Butler, Pennsylvania on July 4th and July 8th device stopped all activity on July 12th on August 30th 2023 one device linked linked Crooks visited Allegheny Arms so this is the place where he got guns so they tracked all of his phones and the people that visited him so someone there it is So someone visited does that mean that it was the FBI that did something and no it doesn't necessarily

It could be anything could be just a person that randomly happened to be there that went to that area

But it's kind of weird that they're not showing you the toxicology. It's kind of weird

There's no press conference the guy tried to shoot the guy was a for four years, and everyone's making like it's no big deal. And then when they asked Kamala Harris about Secret Service protection, she said, a lot of people don't feel safe.
You know, trans people don't feel safe. There was like this crazy take on it that was so nuts.
Like, what are you talking about? That could be you. The crazy people are out there.
You have to protect all of us. High profile people that are running for president.
Do you believe in democracy? You have to protect them. You can't say, everyone feels in danger.
No one feels safe. I don't feel safe.
Immigrants don't feel safe. Trump deports them.
He got shot. He got shot in the fucking head.
And now with the guy behind him that got killed. Miracle.
It hit his ear. Yeah, he turned weirdly.
And it works.

It makes me feel like we're in a movie.

Wasn't JFK yesterday?

Is that right? Yeah. November

22nd. Is that what it is?

Yeah, I think it was yesterday.

Does RFK have security yet?

Oh, he's got a shitload of security.

Oh, there you go. Yeah, he's got a shitload of security.

Tony has security. Of course RFK has it.

Well, Tony had security.

Before he needed security. Tony was like, isn't it cool they have security? They each have a throne.
They each have a throne. I'm shitting on it too much.
Swords. For the thrones.
Tony rules. I love Tony.
I know. I think I've been nothing but negative so far.
Somebody brings up Tony. I'm like, shut up.
We're goofing. It is kind of crazy, though, that someone tried to kill him, and it's kind of like an afterthought.
No one cares about it anymore. It's strange.
It would have been the next Lee Harvey Oswald. If that guy shot Trump and killed him, and then they killed that guy, that would have been it.
We would have never known. Never known.
It would have been just like the JFK assassination. Ten years from now, fucking Giannis Papas would be on some late night talk show with a video of the assassination that no one saw before.

Just like Dick Gregory did.

Somebody would.

You know, Dick Gregory was a comic.

Dick Gregory, I've been researching him a little bit, ruled.

Gave up his whole comedy career.

For activism.

Said, I can't be a fucking accepted black while nobody else is. Playing cool ass music? Oh, is this fucker? What is it? Are you ringing? Are you watching, you weirdo? What the fuck? Jamie was setting us up for something.
I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Jamie, what is this? That's hilarious. That's your ringer? No, no, no.
It was an ad on a fucking NFL. Precocious bastard.
Oh, you were watching something while pissing. I was looking at sports scores.
Yeah, Dick Gregory is one of those guys that I'm mad that I didn't go to one of his shows. I saw one.
Because he had a show in New York and I was thinking of traveling and going to see it and I didn't go to it. I saw him at the DC Improv.
Oh, not DC Improv. John X ran a room and I saw him there and it was three and a half hours long.

Oh.

Whoa.

That's too much.

And he gave up his whole career because I can't be an accepted black man while none of my cohorts are accepted.

Fuck this.

What do you mean?

He goes, I can't be accepted by whites where none of everybody else is.

In the 60s.

This is a long time ago.

Different time.

Yeah.

Osby was accepted.

And he goes, I know.

Yeah, but a different time.

I know.

He goes, I'm not going to be that. Yeah wrote a book called The N Word but actual and then now people are getting banned for suggesting it because of the title but that guy underrated how crazy influential and intelligent he was and funny that's the whole thing about getting that video.
So he got that film from Time Magazine. Time Magazine had that film for 12 years.
What film? The film of the Zapruder version of the assassination. So Adrian Zapruder was filming with a Super 8 camera.
And he catches Kennedy's head exploding and his head going back into the right. And that threw this giant monkey wrench into the whole narrative of that he was shot from the school book depository.
Because his head goes back into the left from a bullet that's supposed to come from behind him. It doesn't make any sense.
And then on top of that, there's a moment where he grabs his neck, which is the entry hole. He got shot in so someone shot him from the front but in the Bethesda Maryland autopsy report that's a tracheotomy hole but hold on in the Dallas version of it when they got his body in Dallas they said it was an entry hole so there's a lot of contradictory evidence this is all in David Lifton wrote a book called Best Evidence to turn me into a fucking loon.
And so I love how you push back on Trump with that. That was baller.
Oh, the Kennedy assassination? He goes, I read enough. He goes, how much? Plenty.
How much, though? I love. More than half or less than half? Well, he wanted to win, and I didn't want to push too hard.
Yeah. Right? I'm trying to have a conversation with this guy where I'm going to ask.
One of the big things was you did ramp up the budget deficit. You did ramp up what we owe.
But what he explained that kind of makes sense is that what he was doing with getting rid of regulations, more American oil, It was going to stimulate the economy, and we were on our way to overcoming it. Then we got hit by COVID.
Okay, that's reasonable. Because the deficit did increase significantly during his term because of tariffs, because of a bunch.
So I was trying to figure out, like, I don't understand that stuff. I just know what I read about it.
I did my best to try to, like, what's a very important aspect of what he's talking about. We're going to bring the economy back.
OK, but during your time, the deficit did rise. So what was that about? So he had a reasonable explanation.
His explanation was it takes time. We were on our way to coming back in a huge way.
And then we got hit with COVID. Everything got shut down.
That's all real. And then there's like a bunch of collusion as to why did we get shut down when he wanted everything to open back up did they want the economy to tank right before the election fucking of course they did of course they did why they would lower gas prices right before an election but yeah but what I've known about you for you know 80 years I've known you is JFK assassination and aliens and it's like if I could tell if If I could see in any future of Joe Rogan talking to a former or current president, he would ask those two questions.
I was a little disappointed with the... That was one of those moments.
You ever hear someone say something dumb as fuck and you're like, oh shit, this guy's dumb? I don't think Trump's dumb. At all.
When he was talking to you about aliens, and you asked him a question, and he was like, yeah, Mars, who knows? And it's like, no, it's obviously not Mars. It's not that close.
It's far, far away. That was the one moment where I was like, oh, shit.
You brought up aliens? Anyone to fuck those pilots. We talked about aliens.
He'd have to ask the Air 51 and what happened in those redacted things. It was the Mars comment.
That's one of those, like, one time I was smoking weed with my friend and we were looking at the stars and a shooting star went by and he was like, that's a star flying through the air. And you're like, no.
No, you have no concept at all. No, it's not at all.
It was the same thing with Trump with the UFOs things. He was like, yeah, Mars is right there.
Also, there's a thing. No.
But hold on. There's a thing about Mars that's fascinating.
And one of the things about Mars that's fascinating is at one point in time, whatever billion years ago, it had an atmosphere. Yeah.
It was probably closer to the sun, and it probably had life. It probably had something.
I think that was billions of years ago. What do you mean by life? Some sort of biological life.
Right. Amoebas? Yeah, something.
Now, whether or not there was actually human beings. Dragons, possibly.
But what is it? The Dogon tribe? Is it the Dogon tribe? Dragons, maybe. I believe in both aliens and dragons.
How about that? There you go, about that And I also believe in joy behar Hey I Is a fucking comedian Joy behar is a comedian Even was I'll give it to you if you were like we're in the same tribe Sure, like I don't hate that lady. I know she's lost, but they're all Lost on that fucking show imagine being on that Show you got an audience in front of you you have seven Minute segments you got a bunch of producers You're on ABC News like shut the fuck up That show sucks you're Not gonna make it any better you know But yeah she's just a lady She's a lady trapped in her own biology She's trapped in her own age Trapped in the time she in.
She's on a show where her and Whippy Goldberg are the matriarchs. It's chaos.
The whole thing's nuts. It is nutty.
It's nuts. They need Barbara Walters to come back from the grave and start running that thing correctly.
And if you watch when Trump went on, this is the crazy thing. We can play this now.
Trump went on The View? I sent this to the group chat. We can play this now.
Let's play this now. Trump went on The View doing this? No, no, no.
Years ago, and they blew him. No, they blew him.
When Trump was here, I wanted to open up the show. This is my thought when I had him on.
I talked about it, but I didn't have that clip because I didn't want him to copyright flag it. You were playing America, fuck yeah.
No, I didn't want him to copyright flag it because it's so crazy. I was like, this conversation I'm having with him is so important.
I'm just like, let's just reference it.

Let's just reference it.

So the video is from like 2012.

It's like before he even runs for president.

He goes on The View and they go, our friend Donald Trump.

And the whole audience cheers.

Watch this.

You've never seen this?

No.

Watch this.

What?

I sent it to the group chat.

Because he was a big...

Well, Mark, I ignore a lot of your stuff.

I understand.

I get it.

Where's the light?

The light is right here.

Thank you. seen this? No.
Watch this. What? I sent it to the group chat.
Because he was a big... Well, Mark, I ignore a lot of your stuff.
I understand. I get it.
Where's the light? The light is right here. Oh, Barbara Wawa.
Welcome, my friend. Donald Trump.
They don't want to show that he was their friend. 2011.
Well, he looks the same. Look at the cheers.
Look at the cheers. Yeah, he had a board game.
Standing ovation.

He had a board game.

Standing ovation.

Look at this.

Sherry Shepard.

Yeah, she is.

Look at this.

Hugs.

Joy Behar.

Joy Behar.

Big hug and a kiss. She says my friend.

Look at that.

Barber Walters.

Whoopie Gore.

Big hug and a kiss.

They just hugged Hitler.

Who's the one hot chick?

Elizabeth Hasselbeck from Survivor. She's a Republican.
Married to a fucking quarterback. Ah.
Married to a fucking quarterback. Look at this.
I mean, this is amazing. They loved him.
They sat down with him. They talked to him about how he's progressive and liberal when it comes to social issues, but economically conservative.

And you might be a great president.

Are you going to run?

And he was talking about it.

And look how they all love him.

Wubby seems to not be having it from the jump, though.

Who cares?

Does she still be there?

She's barely alive.

Look at Joy Behar.

Look at Joy Behar right next to her.

All huggy, kissy.

Dude, Trump holds it down.

Look at that.

They're all over him.

They're all hanging on his every word they're all like

hanging out with them they're happy to be there with them you ever seen him on oprah oh yeah it's amazing killed it oprah was also asking him to run for president the whole thing is nuts that is smooth way back in the day okay find out when oprah go to oprah asking trump if he's going to run for president. What we saw

is the greatest media

psyop in history.

Did he say grab him by the pussy? Of course he did. Guess who else did? A lot of those people.
Especially back in those days. Back in the days before the internet.
People said wild. I gotta be honest.
I say fumble him by the pussy. Locker room style shit.
I listened to the whole thing. It was a normal.
He was like, I'm rich, so girls let me do stuff. I'm famous.
I don't understand the... Maybe Chappelle had a joke about that.
He goes, you left out the second part. You intentionally left the second part.
And they let me, which implies consent. That's exactly it.
So you're leaving out where they gave me consent to make it seem like they by the way. It's a funny thing to say.
Who does that? It's a ridiculous thing to say. It's a hard thing to grab.
It's like negative space. It's negative space.
You really gotta get two fingers in like a bowler. Remember the first time you tried to grab it? You could grab it.
When you were a young man, you go, Tell that to girls at bars. Where my dick was.
Tell that to girls at bars. It's lower.
It's way lower. Try to fuck a belly button.
We're talking about children grabbing it. They've never seen their own vagina.
But tell it to guys at bars. Girls at bars get grabbed all the time.
There's a lot of scumbags. Yeah.
Pussy though. Yes, 100%.
I've talked to girls who've had their pussy grabbed by some douchebag who's drunk at a bar. Oh, wow.
Pussy. Grab it.
Grab a hold of it. Shit face at Hooters.
You go, all right, pay-per-view's over. Come here.
Just grab. I'm getting kicked out.
And I'm getting kicked out. The point is...
Oh, because I like the Raiders? See, watch this. This is...
Look at him. He's cool and calm and collected.
This is from 1988. Yeah, that's it.
Play it. They come over here.
They sell their cars, their VCRs. They knock the hell out of our companies.
And, hey, I have tremendous respect for the Japanese people. I mean, you can respect somebody that's beating the hell out of you,

but they are beating the hell out of this country.

Kuwait, they live like kings.

The poorest person in Kuwait, they live like kings.

And yet they're not paying.

We make it possible for them to sell their oil.

Why aren't they paying us 25% of what they make?

This is before we invaded.

It's a joke.

This sounds like political presidential talk to me,

and I know people have talked to you about whether or not you want to run.

Would you ever?

Probably not, but I do get tired of seeing the country ripped off. Why would you not? I just don't think I really have the inclination to do it.
I love what I'm doing. I really like it.
Also, it doesn't pay as well. No, it doesn't.
But, you know, I just probably wouldn't do it, Oprah. Probably.
But I do get tired of seeing what's happening with this country, and if it got so bad, I would never want to rule it out totally because I really am tired of seeing what's happening with this country, how we're really making other people live like kings and we're not. What do you think of this year's presidential race? Good enough.
Who was 88? Dukakis. Bush.
Bush Dukakis. Yeah.
So this is what you're seeing with Trump, regardless of his flaws, what you're seeing with Trump, regardless of his flaws, is a massive, concentrated psyop.

They've distorted who he is to the point where most people think that way.

Most people think that way.

They've had narratives.

What is a psyop?

I keep hearing that.

Psychological operation where they've decided to distort people's perceptions of things yeah when you tell like a like an older liberal that like the the obama deportations were higher than the trump deportations they go no what no and you go no i'll just let me just google deportations obama versus trump and you go. They go, wait, what? Here's 19 straight articles saying that I'm right.
And they go, that doesn't make sense. And you go, right, focus on what's giving you the reality of the world.
Check this out. Jamie, go to that Hillary Clinton thing that I texted you today.
Jamo. This one is wild.
This is Hillary Clinton in like 2008. And Hillary Clinton saying some wild MAGA type shit about.
Oh, she used to say the wildest shit. Wildest shit about illegal immigrants.
Hold on. Go back from the beginning.
Do it from the beginning. That's the beginning.
It's okay. Do it from the beginning.
But I want to hear it. I think we've got to have tough conditions.
Tell people to come out of the shadows. If they've committed a crime, deport them.
No questions asked. They're gone.
If they've been working and are law-abiding, we should say here are the conditions for you staying. You have to pay a stiff fine because you came here illegally.
You have to pay back taxes. And you have to try to learn English.
And you have to wait in line you have to wait in line and everybody's cheering 2008 Hillary Clinton was more MAGA than Trump but how about that more MAGA than Trump it's all a fucking illusion it's all a fucking illusion all of them when convenient fucking illusion. All of them, when convenient, have said the exact same things.

Dragons are real.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It's crazy they give you a false sense of reality.

You just got to shut them both off.

Because they had control of the media up until now.

This election was the first time they didn't really have control of the media anymore.

Because what?

Because of us. Non-mainstream media?

Because of podcasts.

Podcasts. Selling tickets.
Because of social media because of X. You're humanizing Trump.
Well, he's a human. Yeah.
So why can't I? I'd buy the other lady on. They've been caught up in all this shit that they've shoved down everybody's throat.
Especially all the Russia shit. Do you think the campaign people for Kamala Harris was going we should have let her go on Rogan? Definitely.
Or they go, that was a no win. Some people maybe.
It would have been a win. I would have been nice to her.
You would have been nice. I told her I would talk about anything.
They didn't want to talk about marijuana legalization, and they didn't want to talk about internet censorship. She just smoked.
But then they changed their mind about the internet censorship. And then they contacted and said they want to talk about internet censorship.
We had, like bullshit at least I didn't have any of them but there was at least three calls there was like multiple emails back and forth and there was dates proposed. This idea that they passed on it because the progressive people look I'm sure the progressive people didn't want her to do it I'm sure there's people that didn't want her to do it but they were trying to schedule it.
This is not a thing that was like they had resistance to it. They contacted me.
They contacted me when they found out when Trump's camp leaked that he was coming on. They contacted me and they wanted to come on.
They had contacted me before and were inquiring about coming on. Once Trump said he was coming on, then they wanted to come on.
But they wanted me to do an hour and they wanted wanted me to travel to them. Well, that's crazy.
But, like, yeah. Well, Elon said it best.
He said those last two hours are where you really find out what's going on. Like, you can bullshit people for 40 minutes.
Get them comfortable. If I'm talking to you for three hours, we're going to talk about some real shit.
That's when that funnel comes up. Let's protect our parks.
Let's protect our parks. I hate people from North Dakota.
It's obvious. I don't know anybody.
The Call Her Daddy, they had to build the set. They had to replicate it.
It cost like a couple hundred grand. They said six figures.
It's Kanye shit. Still didn't hit a million views.
You know what does hit a million views? Neil Diamond's coming to America. I'm good for now.
You're not, though. We just did one.
You're up. No, we just did them.
No, Mark and I just did them.

That's wrong.

I got whiskey.

That's 100% true.

That's a sign up.

That's a sign up.

It's true.

It's true.

Mark and I just did them.

Didn't we just do them?

We just did them.

Before we did them.

No, no, no, no.

That's a sign up.

We went first on everyone.

We did them last.

Jamie, is that correct?

Did we do them last?

Jamie, that's a sign up.

It's not.

I think they did them last.

I don't think you did them before us.

What song did you guys just play? We played Hulk Hogan. Yes.
That's when he told me he had bad breath. Here's the craziest thing about Trump.
The people that love him, there's a spectrum of the people that love him where you're terrified you're going to run into them people. You're terrified you're going to get cornered by those people.
I was in Aspen, and this fucking lady came up to me, and it was like her and her daughter.

The lady was like 59-ish, 65-ish, you know, that kind of age.

And she comes up to me.

She goes, you know Trump's the real president of the United States.

And I go, but he's not.

I go, Joe Biden's the president.

They already called the election.

She goes, oh, you're one of them.

He won the election.

I don't know if the election was good. Maybe it wasn't good, but he's not the president.
If you look online, if you Google it, I go, it says President Biden. Yeah, he is the president.
There's those people that if you get caught with them, they're all in. They're my pillow.
They're all in. You did push back harder on, like, why was it rigged? I like that.
It does feel like he is running shit. Tell me why it's rigged.
What do you mean? I would hope that he would have had a good answer. I would have hoped he'd have data that he could spit out.
If I really ran for president, I knew they rigged it, and they gave me evidence enough that I would say publicly they rigged it, I'd be able to spit that out. Instead of just saying it.
We should be part of the cabinet. We're protecting parks.
We should be the official podcast. Yeah! I will tell you, that video, we haven't watched it yet, that video of him saying we're done with internet censorship was like, this actually affects me, me, and I like what he's saying.
Huge. I liked it.
It got me fired up. These fucking companies are scary because they dictate the narrative of the whole world.
It's not just as simple as, oh, you're removing hate speech. No, you're changing the way people talk about things, and you're dorks.
You're not people that I want changing these things. When I was in college, they were talking about verbal consent.
That was a big thing. And every cool person was like, those are virgins telling us how to do sex.
It's like the gays on America's Got Talent telling us who's hot. I'll allow it.
Which ones are you talking about? Back to Luke Brown. Who's talking about? Lionel Richie? Who the fuck are you talking about? Well, you know, the America's Top Model.
Howard Stern? That's what I meant. She's sexy! And I'm like, no, no, no, you're gay! When he said, without free speech, we're fucked.
Without free speech, we're fucked. Yeah.
Why don't we play that? Yeah, let's play that. You get no Protect Our Parks without free speech.
Imagine if Comedy Central gave us notes on Protect our parks well do you remember when it'd be like 11 minutes do you remember when you hosted a stand-up show right after the uh iraq invasion yeah and what'd they tell you i don't remember they said no talking about bush no talking about the war where was that on nbc late friday oh yeah right am i wrong or no i think you. Yeah.
I think that was a narrative for every comic that went up there. Just can't talk about this.
Yeah, can't talk about Bush, can't talk about the war. And you're like, no, don't say anything.
Remember when Mitzi wouldn't let Holtzman go on stage for two weeks after 9-11? Duncan had to call him. That makes sense.
That makes sense. But it's fucking amazing.
No, but actually but actually it tracks because she was like, tell Holtzman like, hey, we love you, but you can't go on. Happened on Tuesday.
Closed Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Opened on Friday, Saturday.
Holtzman, you can't get spots. Sunday was open mic night.
You can go up. Me and Stan Hope were watching Holtzman go up.
Thank you. And he was talking about how he would have jumped out and tried to hit a cop.
And Stan was like, I disagree with 90% of this, but he's saying it so well. And it had to be an open mic night to get him on.
Duncan called him. He goes, did you know anybody in 9-11? He goes, I know they're Americans.
I don't know what else you gotta know. He's got a home here now.
He's headlining here now. He's excelling.
Instead of him being damned if he was in L.A., he'd be crucified. He'd be crucified.
But they weren't giving him good spots at the store. He was getting these spots at 2 o'clock in the morning.
There was no one left. He was getting these spots where we would be in the back laughing.
But it's like 10 people in the crowd. It's bullshit.
Throwing up laughing. Like so hard.
Really? I'm almost barfing. Oh, Holtzman is such an animal.
Bro, you can't believe. He's so crazy.
But now he's doing it to packed crowds, and they're coming from all over the world to come see Holtzman. And they know him.
No way. They know of him.
Yes, man. What? Holtzman, his show, Cell.
Oh, good. He's doing sets all the time at the Mothership.
He's here all the time. I just saw him the other day.
He was murdering. He's probably nuts.
He's out of his fucking mind. He's nuts.
When we did the Kill Tony Garden, he got up there and he was like, fuck Billy Joel. Fuck Billy Joel.
You know how many people here at MSG has committed suicide because they got to work on a Billy Joel show? I heard he did like a half hour or something. Ten minutes on Billy Joel.
The guy's got a batter up next to the fucking Rangers. He's like, fuck Billy Joel.
He's fucking screaming.

The audience is dying.

Oh, you guys are upset.

By the way, you've got to realize this is only probably the second or third time ever he's

performed in an arena.

He did one of those Kill Tonys in an arena.

That didn't go that good.

I was there for that one.

That was not that good.

That was not that good.

But the Madison Square Garden one he fucking killed.

Bro.

That was so...

Madison Square Garden was so fun. It was not just just fun it was like a moment in comedy history where you felt like this is going to be something that people talk about in the future this broke through this show that I watched in the belly room that had like 10 people in the audience I was in one of the third or fourth episodes ever and now you have it here in Madison Square Garden.
It's sold out in 40 minutes. Aaron Rodgers throwing up footballs to the crowd.
This is insane. Black Keys are opening.
Jelly Rolls. Jelly Roll performs.
Dice Clay performs. Dice Clay at MSG.
It was amazing. Yeah, that was wild.
Joey Diaz, when I brought Joey Diaz out. It was insane.
Listen, I've never, I will not endorse a candidate. I've never endorsed a candidate, but I will endorse one today.
No one knows who's coming out. My endorsement for President of the United States.
One of the greatest humans that's ever lived. Joey Diaz.
And like, don't fucking lie! Don't fucking lie! And when he was walking out there, everybody knows him. He's like a legend now.
He's like a fucking snuffleupagus. He's like a mysterious character.
He actually did walk out like a snuffleupagus.

Slow like that.

He's like a mythical being.

And when he goes out there, people just had this giant smile on their face.

I was watching these people.

Because I was beside him, so I'm watching the audience.

They're watching him.

Oh, my God.

It was amazing.

Everyone is having...

I was sitting next to Norton watching Dice, and it was like we were back in high school yeah this is his stage where we first saw him yeah all of it all of it i was with the are you garbage guy we're just like brennizzi and simone came up it was just like so fun it was a celebration of comedy yep you know gomez was there big j was there it was a real celebration of comedy gomez crushed big j crushedRosa. Everybody.
It was a celebration of this kind of comedy, the kind that we like, the wild shit, where someone's saying something crazy, and you're like, ah! And Tony just set everybody up. I know you hate him, but he just set everybody up so well.
Did you see Dice with Seinfeld? No. Chasing him down? No.
Chasing him down. Pull it up, J-Mo.
He saw him at the park. Don't give it away.
Let's play the video. Is this a recent one? Yeah, this is very recent.
Song or no? Hold on, we got Dice video. Let's do it with the dice.
He's a real American. Hit him a song before we load that.
I'm coming to America, Neil Diamond? Give me Freebird, Middle of the Ramp. Freebird, Middle of the Ramp.
Hold on, J-Mo's got a lot of ones and twos going on here. Middle of the guitar free bird middle middle of the uh all of jaymo's got a lot of ones and twos

going on here middle of the guitar solo here we go jaymo are you gonna ball one yeah jaymo you're up we got an extra beer get that mustache wet jamie will get in there jamie's been a real wet rag we're at three and a half hours in here we go That's it.

Oh, hell yeah.

Oakland Coliseum. Hey, 2 million views.
That's the most American riff of all time.

Oh, how is Josh Brolin?

Cool guy?

What's that?

How is Josh Brolin?

Oh, he's awesome.

Look at this.

Wow.

Look at Bert.

He's wearing like a cult outfit Magic times Just chill shredding Just chilling and shredding Alright let's get that to JMO See that Seinfeld Let's find Seinfeld Getting chased down by Dice. He interrupted me on stage like three days ago.
Yeah, I saw that. I'm on stage.
He just comes up with his camera out. Yeah.
Fuck. You handle it well.
Thanks. He's amazing.
He's coming here soon. National treasure.
I think he's back here in December, headline. Yeah.
Yeah, on the website it says coming soon. Yeah.
Just like alerting people. I think it's on his Instagram, JMO.
he's back here in December headlining. Yeah.
Yeah, and the website says coming soon. Yeah.
Just like alerting people.

I think it's on his Instagram, JMO.

He's walking through Central Park.

It's there.

How good is this fucking guitar solo?

Never gets old.

Never.

I mean, it's one of the greatest of all time.

If I ever want to feel good and I'm driving down the street, I'll crank that.

Which one is it?

Right there.

That's it. That's it.

That's it. Let's hear it.
Kill the music. Big shot comedian.
T's got a fucking Sasquatch gate He. He's wearing a free jacket.
What is he? Somebody gave it to him in a production company? No, Unfrosted from the fucking... Oh, swag.
Yeah. Swag.
That's his normal... He really is Jewish as fuck.
All out. I did some fundraiser.
Get excited, J-Mo. Jamie, let's go, Jamie.

He's such a little sad guy.

Bitch, I-O.

Hey, fuck you, Indiana Hoosiers.

Nice ponytail, bitch. Suck Ohio State's dick.

Yeah.

That's J-Mo.

Oh, damn.

Wow.

That was insane.

Yeah, Jamie doesn't fuck around every time.

That was so quick.

Holy shit.

That's a new record.

That's the throat good. That's pretty damn good.
Wow. Jamie rules.
RFK's out. New throat coat.
RFK's a throat coat? Yeah, me for a second. Easy.
That's offensive. What's Tulsi going to do for the new thing? She's something about national intelligence, right? What is she? She should be Secretary of State.
Hawaiian. She has some serious top-level clearance and I want to find out about UFOs.
Yeah, that's you. Tulsi's my friend.
Dragons. J-Mo set the record, but at what cost? He's shitting blood already.
He's running. He's running.
He ran. Well that wasn't a pee run that was on my right that was a fucking Jimmy John sub coming up freaky fast full miscarriage that was one bomb yeah bro poop was brought to you by Jimmy John that's an Italian sub ready to make birth free smells boom boom oh I did that did some benefit.
I got to wear the suit. Thanks again for those suits.
That suit rules. David what? David August.
Fuck David August. That suit rules.
We hung out, got martinis all night one night. I wore it for Kill Tony.
That suit rules. Those things are perfectly fit.
When you get a suit that's designed actually for your actual body. Never had.
I've been a men's warehouse cunt for my whole life. I told that guy, I was like, hey, I just like a weird cup, but also stylish.
And then he's like, you know what? You're an artist. I think you get it.
Go. He got you a dope one.
He got it. That was a beauty.
He did good, but he fucked with me. Why? How so? The guy that was taking pictures when we were here last? David August.
And he was like, well, your left shoulder slouches more than your right.

You lean left.

I've thought about it every single day.

I haven't thought so bad.

That's a Brian Regan bit.

Really?

Yeah, he goes, I went to get my eyes tested.

The doctor was like, hey, just your eyes are slightly off-center.

Nothing to worry about.

I just wanted to focus on it for the rest of your life.

I've thought about it.

That's it.

Yeah, it rings true. I've thought about it non-stop every second.
That's Lucas. He's good, man.
He knows how to measure you. You get a suit and it feels like it's designed for your body.
It's so much better. It's draped on.
It's skin. It's got your name in the pocket.
The name. He puts a tie with it.
I know. It's pretty cool.
Yes. Very nice.
Joe, that was fucking cool as shit. That was really, really nice.
Thank you very much. Joe's like, hey, come an hour early.
Like, why? Like, get a suit. What? Okay.
And then he goes, what do you want, four or my throat? Let's get some fucking suits. Let's get some suits, son.
Everything's like the hotel, the car, it's all very nice. You're a mensch.
Well, I like to treat people the way I like to be treated. Ah.
Golden rule. Joe fought for, gush for a second, for equal pay for comedians in Los Angeles.
When all those book shows were like, oh, we'll give you your 50 bucks, and Joe's like, no, you're fucking making money off us now. Oh, the mothership pays like crazy.
And you don't need the $600. It's not that.
Who was the guy who went in front of Congress and spoke about from Colorado, Rocky Mountain High? Oh, David Lucas. No.
Singing about rap. John Denver? John Denver.
That's you fighting for $600. It's like, I don't need this.
It's bullshit. You're not giving everybody their equal pay.
No, it was David Lucas.

Well, the store was like a great

place for us to work out

shit, but it was also like, wait a minute.

Why is the guy who's running the show making

$6,000 and no

one's making anything other than a couple of people?

This is crazy. This whole thing's nuts.

But it's like,

you know, if you let

people do that, they're going to do it.

They're going to rip people off. You let them rip people

I don't get checked. I mean, that's what happened if unions didn't exist.
Yeah. I mean, if unions didn't exist, you imagine if you just pay people whatever you want to pay them, and then all these illegals are spilling in.
Child labor, fine. Yeah, fine.
No child laws. No child labor laws.
We'd be fucked. Are you saying comedians need a union? Nah, that'll never work.
No. Because there's too many cunts.
They'll turn against each other in no time. It'd be like the Italians having a union.
You know what you really need is clubs run by commerce. If all clubs were run by commerce.
Are there any? That's a horrible idea. Well, I think there's a couple other ones.
They won at Key West. That guy is a comic that runs it.
Tom Dustin. That's a great club.
There's a Brad Garrett's club. That Joe List.
Documentary is killer. The funniest documentary I've ever seen in my life.
We saw it in the theater. Yeah, we saw it in Angelica.
Because it's about a comedian. Portrait of a comedian.
Where can you get it? He just got a deal

to be in theater. They're in theater, so it's going to come

out eventually. Nice.
But it was just a

comic being a comic, and that's the documentary.

He's not playing it up. I think best case scenario

is every comic who gets a pile of

money, you should invest in a club.

That's the best. Chappelle?

I think it should be at his... Chappelle did it.

He did it. But you were on acid that one time.

When you were talking to me, you were like, don't ever open a room.

It sucks.

No, I didn't.

He's just casual complaining.

He's casual complaining.

You like this.

I'm like, it's a lot of work.

But we ironed out a lot of the problems.

It's work, man.

It's work.

It's work, but it's worth it.

It really is worth it.

I was at a...

Hold on.

No.

Yeah.

I never said...

You're misquoting me. I definitely never said never open up a room.
I said it's a lot of work and you have to have a lot of money. You have to be willing to not make money.
And most things that people do where they invest a lot of money, they want to make money. Yeah.
My thought was like, if anybody has the ability to do it the right way, it's me. Like, I have to do it.
Like, I have to, what I would, if I was a kid and I was looking at like comics that had a lot of money If I had that guy's money, you know what I would do we all just so about that right? I'm like well just do it Yeah, and it's a it's a hit and then you can just go you have a billion dollars Like why do I fly to make money? Why do I why fly to make a hundred grand? I just go here. That means nothing to you.
It's also so much easier on your life. You don't have to fly all the time.
Flying all the time sucks. You're always tired.
You get worn out all the time. Flying just fucking kills your immune system.
You're always exhausted. Agreed.
Yeah, jet lag is the world. I gotta go a day early now so I don't get sick.
Yeah, and you have to drink a lot of water and hit the gym and your body has to reset. You're like, what the fuck?

What were you saying? Oh, I was gonna say

I was at, I went out

to Ohio for Chappelle's birthday

this year and did

his show and all that and then we, after

we did the outside show

we went to his club and he was

hammered. It was his birthday

and he was just up on

stage holding everyone hostage hammered

but he said the funniest

shit. He was just up there and he's like, I work

Thank you. hammered.
It was his birthday. Get out of here.
It was his birthday and he was just up on stage holding everyone hostage hammered. But he said the funniest shit.
He was just up there and he's like, I worked my whole life to build this club. To bomb in front of you motherfuckers.
It was so good. There was just all these people standing there like.
But he knew it wasn't going well. He just kept going.

It was so funny.

He'll keep going to try to find the nuggets.

Yeah, and he will.

He'll find it. That's the craziest thing.

He'll find it.

He's a miner.

Even blocked out, he'll find it.

Yeah.

And then once he finds it, that piece, they'll save.

They'll edit it.

They'll put it aside.

And then he'll go, okay, now I got a chunk.

I like also when it doesn't go well, he's like, give me that tape.

That's fucked.

Give me that tape. I can't do that again.
He still feels it. He's a minor.
That's why Jeff Ross likes him. Well, you...
Cut that. Keep it, J-Mo.
Cut that. J-Mo.
And we're back. We love Jeff Ross.
Funny guy. You've got to be able to make the...
You know who used to do that a lot? Damonans remember those days so funny he would do 15 of intentionally bad yeah so you would like no expectation you've lost trust in me and now I can try my jokes yeah he calls it a jazz set yeah he would fuck around Damon is recorded like every show he's ever done since the 90s damn this day he sets up. I saw him in the improv a few years back before COVID, and he set up a camera in the back room.
I go, you do this every set? He goes, every set. And I watch him on my computer.
He records all of them. He has them all archived, and he riffs.
That's how he comes up with shit. He just gets up in there and starts talking about something, anything that's in the news.
He starts riffing on it, and then he'll find something. Yeah.
And that's how he writes. I feel that's too self-indulgent.
I feel too guilty. It depends what level it is.
I mean, he's famous. You can't do it in the garden, but you could do it at New York Comedy Club.
Yeah, you could. Just fuck around for a while.
But for them, that's like- You gotta be willing to bomb. Yeah, you gotta be willing to bomb.
Which is the hardest. But that's his creative process.
You know, Chris Rock used to do the same thing. He used to go on and just ramble about stuff.
And you tell the audience, relax, relax. This ain't going to be funny.
Lower your expectations. Yeah.
To do it on purpose. But eventually it would be an HBO special or a Netflix special.
It would kill. But it's a process.
Well, I got to say, I've been watching Louis over the past couple months. He's back doing shit.
And he was struggling, to put it lightly. And then I saw him two nights ago.
And all that same shit is killing. Yeah.
Because he's willing to do it. It's crazy.
Same material, just tweet slightly. I saw Martin at the store come back after five years off and then he was like, six months later, same material, crushing.
Same material, not just like, I'm abandoning this. They said that about prior the week he did live at the Sunsetrip, that he was doing the same material at the store and bombing.

And then bombing on Monday.

Tuesday was better.

Wednesday was better.

Thursday was killing.

Friday was killing.

Saturday, he's filming.

I thought he bombed.

Wasn't the story he bombed the first taping tape? The Long Beach.

Yeah.

I heard that.

And then the second show he murdered.

Best set ever.

Dude, Adrian, one of her sets, we decided to do a Sabotage set. As much as I hate Tony, you love Adrian.
I do love Adrian. Louis said we should do a sabotage set.
We should just not announce her. Just like, let's see what the crowd is.
They hated her so much. She was upstairs getting changed.
I was outside. There was these British, Indian people.
They go, she deserves to get canceled.

And it was just start to finish suck.

She went through it like a warrior.

She doesn't give a fuck.

She does not.

It's crazy.

I don't know.

She talked about it on the podcast.

That's it?

Yeah.

The next night, it was amazing.

It was.

She was, like, so worried.

I would have been outside talking to the British Indian ladies.

Like, I'm so sorry.

She's up there just going, I don't give a fuck.

I know. Yeah, I heard them talking.
I talking I was like Adrian hang out upstairs for a second You know what it's like it's like a fighter who can take punches because a good fighter can take a lot of punches and still win A bad fighter is like I'm getting punched I'm out of here Real similar It was a fun fucking time for comedy It is a great time for comedy Bad time for boxing. I'm out of here.
Right, right, right. Real similar.
It was a fun fucking time

for comedy. It is a great time

for comedy. Bad time for boxing.
I always quote you,

Ari, because you said comedy's dangerous.

It is. Tony proves that.
Oliver

proves it. It's dangerous.
Tony proves it.

It's dangerous. You do a joke, you're like,

what are you mad at? How are you just trying to entertain everybody?

This disingenuous thing of like,

well, they're trying to make people mad. No one's trying to make

anyone mad. We're trying to entertain, but it gets people mad.
Yeah, we don't want to offend anybody. We want to get laughs.
Yeah. It's just people love to distort things in this weird time where everything's politicized.
I know. Even comedy's politicized.
It should be like, oh, is he a comedian? Okay. Whatever.
But in the room, it's great. I mean, I remember doing a show with Shane shortly after the hubbub.
Hullabaloo? That was really fun. Dude, I have like seven or eight all-time sets.
Yeah, that was great. You got to come up.
My agent said I can't. Shane, come up.
I never said my agent said I can't. Somebody told you you weren't allowed.
Becky. Where are you hearing this from? There's no way I would have ever said I'm not allowed.
You said they me I should like just get him up I drove to the club yeah you did and we had fun we talked about it and then we had an Asian guy rank the Asians and we were saying like the blogger in the room which there was one yeah someone in the audience an Asian guy but they would I said said someone in the audience ranked the Asian people. They didn't say he was Asian? They didn't because we said it.
We cut their legs out. But it's just like it's a bit dangerous and it makes it more fun.
Yeah. You know the funny thing was during the campaign when Obama was on.
It was so surreal to watch. Obama was doing one of those campaign speeches and he said, there was a guy at the Trump rally who said Puerto Rico's on an island filled with garbage.
Those are human beings. Those are human beings.
What? A speaker? He's joking. It was a speaker? It wasn't a comedian? It wasn't a guy telling jokes? I mean, John Leguizamo went off.
He did a whole face to camera There was a visual artist who did a thing about Who's that guy who got hung? He always gets my respect John Wick was great. He gets a pass.
He gets a pass. These people that are in like certain communities they feel like they need to stand up and say something.
They got to say something. They don't.
They feel pressure. Everyone's scared, man.
There's a bunch of fucking cowards out there. There's so many people that are scared.
Their takes on things are so gross. It's quick.
It's not thought out. It's just fearful.
Just fearful. You know? It's weird.
Yeah. It's weird.
That group thing really kicks up. You're like, I got to say.
I gotta be a part of it. It's like, no you don't.

I've seen Bill Maher putting a smackdown on Neil deGrasse Tyson the other day.

What did he say?

Oh my goodness.

Take that, nerd.

It was wonderful.

Because he was making fun of Neil deGrasse Tyson's perspective on women competing with biological males in sports.

Like, all this woke shit you're doing.

Like, you're not a scientist.

Like, this is not science that you're doing here.

Yeah.

This is ridiculous.

Well, people have been going at it. Dave Smith and Sam Harris are going at it.
Are they really? That's crazy. Online right now? Today? Well, Sam Harris did a podcast shitting on Dave.
Dave did a rebuttal. Then Sam did a rebuttal.
I mean, it's like crazy. Yeah.
So many people got captured during that time of chaos and anxiety. So many people got so captured.
That's my joke. We lost a lot of people during COVID, and most of them are still alive.
That's so funny. I quote that so many times.
Good lines. I quote that so many times.
It's one of those lines that are funny, but the point is real. There's a lot of people I really can't talk to anymore.
I just can't. People don't realize this is just a blip.
It's all going to go away. We're all in blue marble, and we're so burning calories on this bullshit that goes away.

Cowards are exposed, and people that act in cowardice, and they're not compassionate.

You're not looking at things in a balanced, objective perspective.

Joey Diaz says, one of my many hubbubs, somebody was like,

but Ari shouldn't have said this thing, not even the one you're thinking of and then he goes yeah but he's our friend in a story yeah in a story that's our friend yeah yeah it's like the the it's also it's comedy the comedy is messy man and anybody who doesn't think it's messy sucks at it that's a fact if you think that all jokes hit you're, you're doing whack jokes. There's no chance.
If you're not offending anybody,

well, you're not trying. You've got to get

to the line. Yeah.
You

offend 2% of people, perfect.

98% are on the side. You're just right

on the line. Perfect.
And also, this is your

lot in life? Like, you're the guy yelling at

Elvis, hey, this is inappropriate.

You're shaking your hips. Like, this is the person you want

to be at the end of the day?

Like, we're all just joking around. Everyone's laughing.

Some people are not laughing, and you this is inappropriate. You're shaking your hips.
This is the person you want to be at the end of the day? Like, we're all just joking around. Everyone's laughing.
Some people are not laughing, and you're mad. It's so much just ego.
It's so much ego. It's so much people don't like other people getting attention.
It's so much people want other people to support whatever narrative they support. Such a fucking—but it's a time of exposure, and cool people rise.
Yeah. That's the thing.
It's a great time for us So it's like a challenging time all challenging times are great times as long as World War 3 doesn't pop off And it doesn't become like the end it's like we're basically at the Cuban Missile Crisis But like accelerated with Twitter with Twitter and with Elon Musk gonna bomb wanna be cow and blue sky What are you talking about, bitch? Are you guys going to be blue skiers or no? I just took my fucking Lucy out. Is that what it is? No, it's blue sky.

I'm so fucking dumb and old. I love Blue Sky.
They're like, bro, Blue Sky, if you go on there and you say there's only two genders, they ban you immediately. Whoa.
Mark, Mark, Mark. Come on.
I don't want to puke at the mothership again. Yes, you do.
I don't think we're going to the mothership. Oh, we're not? We are.
I thought we were doing sets. We are.
Are we? You haven't been on stage since 88. Mark and I are.
What are you playing there? Mark. Wait, are we going to the mothership or not? We are.
100% we are. We can do whatever we want.
We're Americans. I think...
I'll do it for you if you don't want to do it, but you should do it. No, no.
Get Mark. I ate a big meal before I came here.
I didn't. I didn't eat anything.
I had a string cheese and a bag of almonds. Oh, damn.
That was quick. That was good.
I ate two pounds of elk. Two pounds.
I did. I had two 16-ounce elk steaks.
Really? No veggie? I don't eat veggies anymore. Gee, easy, George Quaterson.
If I want a salad, I'll eat it. I'm not opposed to salads.
If I feel like eating a salad, I eat it, but I don't think I need it for nutrition. I think it's nonsense.
It's good fiber for shitting. I don't think you need it.
I shit fiber. I love when people go, I don't trust Joe Rogan in anything.
I'm like, literally, he's my number one doctor source. It has been for 20 years.
I'm 100 years old, and I'm strong as fuck. Trust me.
I know what I'm doing. Trust me, daddy.
Let's go. Let's go.
Remember. Does this other man need him? A simple man don't need him around anyhow.
Doesn't need him. I have a special affection to this song after Neil Young went after me.
Dude, that was so baller where you're like, glad to see you have morals, Neil. Yeah, when he went back on Spotify.
Oh, because the money's there? Oh, because the money's there, you'll do it? Also, I told him, and it's true, I was a giant Neil Young fan, and I literally, the last day I worked at Great Woods Performing Arts Center, I was at a Neil Young concert, and a riot broke out, and I fucking threw a hoodie on over my security outfit, and I'm like, I'm out of here. I never got my last paycheck.
Oh, wow. A fight broke out at a Neil Young concert.
You're like, fuck this. Oh, it was crazy.
My friend Larry punched some dude in the chest, and Larry is like, my friend Larry was like the, Larry Jones, Shout out to Larry Jones. One of the nicest guys ever.
And this guy was fucking with him and he just dropped this guy. And I was like, oh my god, we're fighting.
I'm out of here. And they left and there was bonfires going on on the lawn.
It was chaos. They shut the show down.
Whoa. And a fucking Neil Young show? What was he doing? 1989.
This was 1989. When white people decide to go nuts, they go nuts.
Well, you know what it was? It was cold. It was cold at night, and it was the lawn.
There was a whole lawn area, and the lawn area was like, there was like an amphitheater and then that was covered, and then above the outside, the covered area was a lawn area. And the lawn area, a bunch of dudes started lighting like cardboard boxes on fire it got crazy they were they had bonfires going on and they were got they got real rowdy yeah and then people were like starting with the security guys and then when my friend larry dropped this guy like fights broke out i'm like see ya put my hoodie on i'm like i'm leaving as long as my friends weren't actively in fights i'm like let's get out of here and everybody got out like, I quit.
I'm out of here. I just was ready to quit already.
There was too many times where it was like almost fights. Some guy tried to run over me with his car.
Wait, wait, wait. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What happened? I was telling the guy that he had to stop because we were moving traffic around. The guy got right up to my leg with his car and revved the engine.
And then I got up to his door, and I go, hey, man, fuck you. And he tried to tried to open up his door and I need the shit out of his door and put a giant dent in his door so he couldn't open it and we were like ready to fight I was like dude I'll fucking kill you and he was like ready to get out of the car and I like need his car door and then a bunch of other security guys came up and he pulled I'm like what am I doing are you like twenty to five dollars an hour something like'm going to get in fights.
The first day on the job, they beat the fuck out of a guy who stole a golf cart. Whoa.
There was a dude named Alley Cat. He was the head guy that ran security.
He was like this grizzled old security dude. He'd probably been doing it forever.
And they found this kid who was drunk, who stole one of our golf carts, a security cart. And he was driving around.
They tackled him, and they were beating him with a walkie-talkie. Beating him bloody.
His face was bleeding. This was my first day on the job.
I was like, oh my God. We're doing this? I was like, this is crazy.
But didn't you? You were a jiu-jitsu guy. I was a Taekwondo guy back then.
I never got in fights. I was the first guy to like, bye! I was like, I'm not interested in any fights.
You didn't want to apply your knowledge? No, I applied it in the ring. It doesn't go on his record if he fights a rando.
Well, it wasn't even that. It was just like I knew how dangerous it was.
Once you've actually knocked people unconscious, it's scary. The whole thing's scary, like fighting people in a giant group.
Like, fuck this. I don't want to have Nothing to do with that.
But like back Then the security team was All black belts. This guy One of the guys that we worked out with He got a job there and then he came to us And said hey you guys want a job? It's like 25 bucks an hour you get to see concerts I was like fuck yeah.
I don't remember what the I'm making $25 up. I don't know what it was.
And so there was like 16 of us.

All these assassins that worked at this security place.

But it was too crazy.

You get to see how drunk people – and then it was also, I understand cops, in a very minor way.

Because it became us against them. It was us, the security guards, against the people who were the drunks.
And that was like a mentality. Who were outnumbered.
But it was also like a thought, like we are the good guys, they're the cunts, and it's okay to beat the fuck out of them with walkie-talkies. And this is no internet, man.
We're talking about 1989. This guy beat the fuck out of this guy with a walkie-talkie in the face.
Just beige, beige, beige, beige. Blood was splattering.
He was getting fucked up. They rolled him over and tied him up.
It was crazy. It was crazy.
And the tackle, I remember this guy getting tackled off of the fucking golf cart. The whole thing was nuts.
I was like, oh, Jesus. This is not worth whatever I'm getting paid.
And fighting is like, I've been beat up a few times in my day. But one time I jump kicked a guy in the stomach and he lost his, he was like, and I felt horrible.
I was like, ah, geez, I don't want to be this guy. Yeah.
Even in fights, you feel horrible. Yeah.
The guy gets like pummeled. But it's like in the street, it's so, or in the world, it's so dangerous outside of a competition because no one's going to stop that guy from stomping your fucking head when you're unconscious.
There's no rules. There's no rules.
No one's going to stop some guy from biting your nose off. You don't know who you're fighting with.
It's a crazy person. Gouging your eyes out.
It's fucking dangerous. Like anybody who just wantonly engages in random violence with strangers, you're just to get maimed yeah especially if you fuck up and run into some guy who actually knows how to fight and i'm sure you've all seen those videos online they're horrific horrific some guy doesn't know what he's doing and he just gets destroyed for the rest of his life his life is going to be fucked his legs he's going to be limping forever because some guy decided to snap his fucking femur in half.
Yeah, scary shit, man. I went to LSU.
There was this place called Tigerland. It was where all the bars were, and these guys would fight.
These big white guys in polo shirts, and they would be on the cement, like kicking each other in the face. It was brutal.
Go to a gym, boys. With boat shoes on.
Jesus Christ. Rail on a guy.
Go to a gym, boys. This is so dangerous.
Kevin James was working as a bouncer at a bar, and the guy he was working with killed somebody and went to jail. What? He knocked the guy out.
He got in a fight with some drunk guy, knocked him out. The guy fell down, hit his head, died.
Oof. Gotta go to the roadhouse.
Which happens all the time. Don't fight back.
When you KO a guy and they fall they get hit with the earth bang that's your fucking head your whole body all your fucking land all that torque bang on your head on cement yeah true yeah blacked out and hit his head that's right yeah I mean fucking it's, man. Hitting your head on, that one, what was that girl's name? That's a good way to go, to be honest.
Heather McDonnell. Heather McDonnell, when she was joking around about the vaccine, then blacked out on stage and bangs her head.
It was so great because that was an unintentional, solid joke. It was the universe telling a joke.
I'm saying, oh, I don't give a fuck. And then it passed it out.
It was like, that is a good joke. Unintended.
I'll never fall down right now. It was the universe.
The universe was telling us everything was fucked up. What she was saying was fucked up.
It was almost like God was like, you're not getting away with this. We're going to make a video.
Bang! Yeah, that was the pandemic time. It was like the Will Smith slap, that whole thing, Bob Saget.
Those were wacky couple of years.

Will Smith slap was wild.

It was all so crazy.

Everybody lost their fucking minds.

But we got Chris Rock back.

Yeah.

We got Chris Rock back from that.

Yeah.

Right?

Chris Rock became Chris Rock again.

He went hard again.

He was doing Oscar-friendly stuff.

He was trying to be in with these.

He wanted to be Kevin Hart.

He wanted to be a movie star.

He wanted to do all those things he was doing.

Chris Rock between two Oscars-ish or whatever, Golden Globes, was hard.

What are you doing? You know he was trying to like be in with these you wanted to be Kevin Hart want to be a movie star Wanted to do all those things yes, just are between two Oscars ish or whatever Golden Globes was like hard Where he took some abuse for it and then like all right, let me just go light and now back to real Chris Rock Yeah You don't want to do mad at you. Oh, yeah, then a whole year to stew and write a bit about you Alive special too That was a big one.
Oh, yeah. Chappelle, too.

He got that whole thing.

I think everybody should do a live one once.

You should all do a live one.

It's fun.

It's weird.

How'd you feel about it?

Fun.

Ready.

I just prepared way more than I ever would have prepared.

I mean, you're a club comic, so I was ideally suited for it.

What do you mean?

Club comics, they're used to dealing with all sorts of stuff. Theater comics, like it's all set up well right right right right right for chaos but there was very little chaos there was only one guy yelled something out but it was fun it was uh i was ready i just made sure i was ready so and also it's nice because you don't have to edit oh less work editing can suck've got to watch yourself.
I watched myself from Friday night, too. That helped because I hated it.
Even though I killed. I filmed Friday night first, so I got to see that.
I watched. I was like, ugh.
It's awful. I've seen it too many times.
It's like you lose everything, what's funny, what's not. But Friday night killed.
So I was like, look, we already got it in the can. When Saturday night rolls around, I'm fine.
Get loose. Yeah, I was loose as fuck.
I smoked a joint, had a drink. Damn.
Let's go. Smoking a joint.
I felt normal. That's crazy.
I felt like a normal show. That is what comedy is, where it's like, hey, guys, I'm here.
It was fun. And the audience was awesome, so it was easy.
It was fun. San Antonio is a great comedy town.
Oh, they were so happy. It's a fun place.
I'll be there in March. Texas is just fun, period.
It's a wild place. Yeah, Texas rules.
I always used to think that about Houston. I always used to love going to the Arlington Improv.
Texas, Florida, Colorado. Denver.
Denver's awesome. It's just like smart and chill.
Phoenix. It's always fun.
Gun Philly's fun There's some good ones Yeah There's places where people like to party They're fun They're fun people Yeah Comedy's better than it's ever been before man Right You start to think about how many guys are killing it out there right now How many I mean there's more top level comics than ever Oh yeah More guys doing arenas than ever Bargatze Segura Burt Burt, you guys, Shane. I like to see Shane at the fucking 76ers play.
We went, me, you and O'Connor went into the back and maybe Jay, I think, went into the back. Rosa didn't care about sports but like, you could smell the hockey jerseys.
Yeah, we haven't watched this yet. And it's like, but even the theater, even the club comics are like more than ever.
Yeah. The Jeff Ausmus's or above.
Yeah, right. Are like, yeah, there's a ton.
You have the internet now. You can find some of the quality exposure.
Like I was talking to Tyler Fisher about this the other day. Someone offered him a deal to do some kind of a special and something.
And I was like, listen, man, just put it on YouTube. You want to get people to see you.

Whatever money they're paying you, you would pay

10 times more of that for the exposure

to be on YouTube. It's 100 times

more valuable. Just put it on the YouTube.

YouTube can get a little queefy with the

sensor. YouTube's starting to get queefy.

But people will share it. They'll share it.

With specials? Yeah. They got

Fahim. They got Joe List.

Yeah, Joe List said cunt. They got Fahim.
What did they do with Fahim? Once they decide wrong, they go, stop sharing it. And then the growth just stops.
Because computers are watching. It's like AI shit.
I think it's also people flagging it. I think it's people flagging it.
No, not with Fahim. Who's flagging Fahim? Assholes.
Not with Joe List. Assholes.
Dude, assholes.

People don't like Louis C.K.

They know Louis C.K.'s friends with Joe List.

Dude, trust me.

Assholes flag it.

You say cunt, they're going to flag it.

It's a word.

So it used to be you say a word, whatever, and they go, hey, that's a flag.

And they go, hey, no, that's a stand-up, so it's okay.

Come on.

You guys are alone.

Go suck each other's dicks in your fucking bathroom.

All right.

I'm listening. Put it down, baby.
Before I go. Plugs.
Oh, yeah. Mark, plug your dits while we shoot.
Yeah, do it, boys. Check out Page the Stage on PunchUp.com.
Mark Norman comedy. Mark Norman slash Punch Up or Punch Up slash Mark Norman.
Page the Stage. No.
Ari's on there, too. Larry David's on there.
Joe List, Sam Murill, all the guys. Michelle Wolf, all on Punch Up.
I said your name. Thank you.
And yeah, check out Ari's. You got a new special coming out.
You got Adrian's special. You got J.
January 14th will be my new special, America's Sweetheart, on Netflix. Also, they are picking up Jew, the first YouTube to Netflix special of all time.
I didn't know that. We'll be in May-ish.
Hell yeah. Not an official date yet.
Also, Pittsburgh with Adrian. Atlanta.
Tahoe. Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton.
Portland. San Antonio, San Jose.
A bunch of other stuff. RUSphere.com for tickets.
All new hour. Then I'm done until 2017.
Get some Bodega Cat. I am in New Orleans for Thanksgiving.
Tickets are horrific. Please come to the Orpheum, and we might be drunk.
You'd be tripping. You'd be tripping to my new travel podcast.
Norman's the only guest that's been on there twice? Yeah, it's an honor and a pleasure and a privilege. I gotta go back when we might be drunk for the special.
Oh yeah. Come back.
You just did the Adrian show. I did the Adrian one, but I should do one of my own.
Every comment is her again. Oh, because it's nonstop all week.
Well, she's here. She's on Legion of Skanks.
She's on that. That was a good one, though.
That was fun. That was fun.
We did Skanks, me and Adrian. At some point, we just sat back and watched Jay be funny.
Jay is so fucking funny. We were just like, let's just enjoy this.
He can really talk. God damn.
He can run. He can roll.
He's a natural. He's a natural ladies and gentlemen.
And you want to join in, but you're like, actually, take the stage. Yeah, yeah, I'll ruin it.
Yeah. That's the thing, right? It's like finding a way.
You got to know when to step in and when to lay back. It's pretty cool.
We know some of the funniest people out there. And Louis will give you a joint.
Like, we talk about the hang. It's like, you know, it's the most important thing in life is the hang in the green room.
Hell yeah. It's the most fun.
Oh, yeah. It's what everyone wonders.
What's the green room like? And you're like, yeah, exactly what you think. Yeah.
It's a barrel of laughs. Yeah.
I'll fucking kill you, bro. It's kind of like a podcast every night.
And then we're all friends. But darker.
It's a podcast every night. Yeah, but way far.
You can go far. Way further.
You can go far. You just dosed me.
Because you can keep up. I still won.
And you dosed me. He diddy.
He dosed me. You son of a bitch.
He diddy. I put like 10% of mine be done.
I had 90%, you had 110%. Should we get some food at some point? Or is that crazy? Maybe a little din din? I don't know.
Every time we go out after this, I'm always, I don't love it. What do you mean? Steak? We go out to dinner after this? I feel like a fucking alien.
What do you mean alien? I don't know, because we're walking through the- Blacked out. We're going to a nice steak restaurant.
Hold hold on I've got a suggestion that's a good point every time we go out to eat I go what the fuck let's stop by the supermarket get some steaks go to Shane's house and grill them that's a lot of work that actually would be awesome yeah let's look like regular people let's go to a fucking restaurant dressed up like the Jaguar people overruled I actually agree with that front row in with that. Front row to Brooklyn audience.
We're supposed to have pilgrim stuff for this. What happened to our costumes? I want to get a yellow nylon zoot suit.
Yes. Are we doing Mar-a-Lago? Yeah, we have to.
We have to. We have to.
We help Trump get elected. Yo, I got a special January 14th.
Are we doing Let's do Blow It Don Jr. When do you finish shooting? Oh, well, maybe we do that at Mar-a-Lago.
Ooh. Can we have to wait until he gets in? We have to wait until he gets in.
Trump's obviously going to walk on, dude. There's a camera, bro.
100%. He's going to walk on if we do Mar-a-Lago.
Let's do it and play the day after or right then. We talked about it on the podcast and Don Jr.

reached out to me and said I can make that happen.

I posted a support

of Tony Hinchcliffe and Don Jr. was like

I love it.

We can make it happen. Don Jr.

Isn't it interesting that

John Jones defends

the heavyweight title.

John Jones defends the heavyweight title and then does the Trump dance. Yeah, crazy.
And then gives his belt to Trump. Like, the world's changed.
Like, everything's flipped. Yeah, completely.
It's completely flipped. And what's lost is John Jones is the greatest fighter of all time.
He's a gladiator. Yeah, he's the best.
I mean, the NFL guys are doing it. It's hard to say he's not the best, and I know he didn't beat Tom Aspinall, and he hasn't fought Tom Aspinall yet.
Tom's great. There's always one guy but it's like he's beating that guy over and over and over again.
Dropping somebody. He's never fought a guy like Tom.
Tom's different. Tom's going to be a problem.
He's a giant dude. He's a legitimate heavyweight.
He might fight whoever he wants to fight. John Jones could do whatever the fuck he wants to do right now.
If I imagined what's actually happening, though, I'd imagine he's saying he's not going to fight Tom Aspinall, although he's probably training for Tom Aspinall. He wants to ramp up the amount of money that he can get, which is a smart thing to do because it might be the last time he fights.
Also underrated, what nobody says about John Jones is he has, of all the UFC fighters I've ever met, the highest weed tolerance of anybody, and no one's talking about it. And booze and coke.
He does four times the weed, Joe does, five times the weed I do. Really? Canada's like a champion on airplanes.
Allegedly. Nate Diaz can get after him.
Allegedly. Bring it.
Nate versus Jon Weed? I bet Jon's still more coherent. Dana, bring it.
Nate versus Jon Weed. We all want to see it.
Let's do that. I'll take a date on that.
Did you guys ever see, what was that jujitsu competition? What was it called? Where they would... High rollers.
High rollers. So they would get super baked, and then they would have jujitsu competitions.
So they'd smoke together. By the way, that's Eddie's class every day.
Yeah, it is. It is a little bit.
That's Matt. My friend Matt put it together.
And so he set this thing up. I think it was California where it was legal.
So they all get super duper high and then they would fight. I love it.
I love it. It was awesome.
They should do that Coke version. Yeah.
Did you guys see that study that they funded? I posted it on my Instagram where they gave, was it gerbils or hamsters? They gave hamsters cocaine and steroids. They had them fight and studied it.
What the fuck is it? Was it hamsters? It's on my Instagram. Our government.
Our government. Fifth grader? Our government's a bunch of fifth graders.
It's a good time. A bunch of nerds with an unlimited budget.
Hell yeah. Yeah.
Supposedly serious scientists. Northeastern University of Boston for decades.
I think they spent $3 million on this, by the way. Supposedly serious scientists at Northeastern University.
Look at my quote here. The government spent $3 million funding a study where they injected hamsters with steroids and cocaine and had them fight a completely ridiculous and unethical study, but I would like to see the data.
I want to see the data. This is why the terrorists hate us.
Bro they hopped them up on cocaine and roids and they had them go to war. Because they were probably trying to figure out what's the best way to make a soldier.
Oh right. Yep.
Yep. I would do that.
Like you know I've had conversations with like... Adolf, dude.
Yeah, exactly. Well also I've had conversations like Special Forces guys and you're like you don't want to like ask is everybody doing steroids but one of them said whatever that soldier needs to do to make him the best soldier I am all in on that you know what fucked me up one of the guys in the SEALs I was asking him about that and I was like you guys should all do steroids what the fuck who gives a gives a fuck? And he was like, yeah, but then you're out, and you get stuck out there.

And you run out.

And you run out, and now you have a guy fucking falling apart.

And I was like, oh, shit.

I didn't even think about that.

That's a very good point.

She should carry steroids.

I was like, yeah, you guys should.

Everywhere you go.

They should all be fucking on steroids.

You guys should just keep steroids with you.

Just have like a fucking box that can't be like a bulletproof box with testosterone in it and a fucking bag of needles that's attached to your hips let's go let's go cuz though yeah I was like make them the most roided out freak of all time yeah when you see these people that are talking about like non-binary folks in the fucking military and then you see China and they're doing bear crawls up hills have you seen that video the of the Chinese military doing bear crawls up a giant hill? Yeah. I have not seen that.
You ever do that workout? You ever do a bear crawl? I've done a bear crawl. It sucks.
Bro, that's not fun. It looks way easier than it is.
It's so hard. It's not hard.
I mean, it's not easy to do at all, but it looks easy. Like, I can walk on my hands and knees easy.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah.
And then you do, like, five steps. And you my shoulders are shaking is that feet and hands you're walking give it your weights all on your You're going like this your weights on your feet in your hands.
It's really hard You know really blows duck walks you oh, yeah, there's like a real line fuck. Where'd you piss? Well, you know we do our comedy workouts, I always make sure that everybody does those deep squats.

Except Brian Simpson. He's like,

I'm getting tired. Brian Simpson does them.

Simpson does well. The only thing he bitches out on is

the sauna. That's my joy.

I've never seen anyone

bail on the sauna.

His sauna blows. I get that

sauna up to 196. I know.
I watched

all you guys come and go while I'm sitting in there.

Let's fucking go. Come on, man.
I was at a McCusker show. We met some seals.
Oh, yeah. They go, hey, I was in Yemen.
What did they say? What did they say? Beach balls. Mark Norman, you're such an important part of the show.
I was in Yemen, and I was undercover, whatever, embedded.

And then I went to have to do...

Look at these dudes.

Are you talking about that?

Oh, that's hard.

This is it.

This is a goofy one.

Oh, they're going up and down.

That's the hard part.

I think this is like a meme in China.

I don't know about the military doing it.

Oh, no.

I saw some military guys doing it.

I know.

I Googled it.

I'm not seeing...

40 dudes are fucking killing it anyway.

It's pretty cool looking.

That's hard to do, man. Whoever those guys are, we can't find enough Americans to do that.
Hey Kool-Aid. Show the elephant walk that America's doing.
Do we have enough American Yeah, the elephant walk into McDonald's following Donald Trump's lead. Well, I guess it's 80 people that do it They're a bunch of nerds.
Bro, that is so hard to do. Yeah, the average age is 50.
Whoa That's crazy. That means that somebody's 68 years old.
Who knows how old these Asians are? You know what's crazy, though? Chinese military. Asian don't raisin.
Our ads are doing these silly, fucking inclusive things about the military. Their ads are trying to make Chinese men more masculine.
Everything is more masculine. That's a fucking uphill climb.
I think we're going to flip, though. I think

those days are over. I think they're over, too.

I think people realize how fucking dangerous it is

to project this fucking insanity

to the whole world. We never played that

Trump fucking thing on the internet. That's alright.

It's not that great.

I got me riled up.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's long, though.

I posted it.

I posted it on my Instagram. You did? Okay, cool.
Go to my Instagram, Jimmy, and you Go to my Instagram It's also with the words So the transcript is on the screen If you don't want it we don't have to We want it You're right It's super important We have all the time in the world man We're Americans Start from the beginning Give me There we go. Start from the beginning and give me a little volume.
Sorry. Every time I can't.
I know. I understand.
Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.
It's okay. Damn, Brolin's handsome.
He's a beautiful man. Free speech.
Then we just don't have a free country. It's as simple as that.
If this most fundamental right is allowed to perish, then the rest of our rights and liberties will topple just like Domino's one by one.

They'll go down. Domino's pizza, great pizza.
My plan to shatter the left-wing censorship regime and to reclaim the right to free speech Jamie comment right now live. No, no, no.
Hold on. Let him.
Very important word in this case because they've taken it away. In recent weeks, bombshell reports have confirmed that a sinister group of deep state bureaucrats, Silicon Valley tyrants, left-wing activists, and depraved corporate news media have been conspiring to manipulate and silence the American people.
They have collaborated to suppress vital information on everything from elections to public health. The censorship cartel must be dismantled and destroyed and it must happen immediately.
And here is my plan. First, within hours of my inauguration, I will sign an executive order banning any federal department or agency from colluding with any organization, business, or person to censor, limit, categorize, or impede the lawful speech of American citizens.
I will then ban federal money from being used to label domestic speech as mis or disinformation. And I will begin the process of identifying and firing every federal Wow.
Damn.

Should. Department of Health, Human Services, the FBI, the DOJ, no matter who they are.

Second, I will order the Department of Justice to investigate all parties involved in the new online censorship regime, which is absolutely destructive and terrible, and to aggressively prosecute any and all crimes identified. These include possible violations of federal civil rights law, campaign finance laws, federal election law, securities law and antitrust laws, the Hatch Act, and a host of other potential criminal, civil, regulatory, and constitutional offenses.
To assist in these efforts, I am urging House Republicans to immediately send preservation letters. And we have to do this right now to the Biden administration, the Biden campaign, and every Silicon Valley tech giant, ordering them not to destroy evidence of censorship.
Third, upon my inauguration as president, I will ask Congress to send a billion likes revising section 230 to get big online platforms out of censorship what time does an agent go to the doctor 2.30 I'm dumb as shit if they meet high standards of neutrality transparency, and non-discrimination. We should require these platforms to increase their efforts to take down the lawful content, such as child exploitation and promoting terrorism while dramatically curtailing their power to arbitrarily restrict lawful speech.
Fourth, we need to up the entire... All right, you good? Okay, Jamie, you good? You got it? We got it.
I don't care if you don't like this guy. You can't be against this.
That's a progressive idea. It's progressive.
That is. You have to be able to go, I'm against 95% of them.
This part is okay. If you're not with that, you're not with free speech, so you're not with free discourse you want to be right it does none of it makes any sense there's no logical explanation that you could possibly provide that would say that censoring speech by a bunch of people that have known been known to be liars and criminals like letting those people censor speech is crazy but you're letting people influence people with billions of dollars.
You're letting

people that are engaged in

really bizarre

like the insider

trading. The insider trading is fucking

bananas. We let those people

these are the people that you're letting dictate

what can and cannot be said online

and you're trying to pretend that they

don't have some sort of a financial interest one

way or the other. You gotta let people

talk. Anyone in the arts should

be in favor of that everyone do whatever you want to do whatever you want to do express if you want to make rap music whatever you want to make you need that that's everything for us for all of us that's a great thing about rappers they don't really attack each other for being inappropriate they're terrified that if they after rappers, they'll lose the entire segment of the population that likes rap music. Oh, interesting.
Because everybody's sort of accepted that they like. If you listen to old school Coogee rap or something like that, gangster music, you're accepting the fact this is entertainment just like a fucking Al Capone movie.
And it's fun to listen to. If you start going after those people and you demand that kind of censorship, you're going to lose not just the people in the black community, you're going to lose the people

in the black community. You're going to lose the people in the white community that like rap, Asian community, Chinese, Japanese.
Name it. Everybody likes rap music.
Everybody likes rap. Leave us the fuck alone.
Asian rappers. Leave us the fuck alone.
And if you don't leave us the fuck alone, then you're going to lose all the votes. So I don't think they can go after rap music.
I think they have to leave rap music alone. Yeah.
And it should be like, say what you want to say, especially in the arts, and that's okay. That's just your stance.
It's okay. You should be allowed to have all kinds of shit.
Do you remember when Sister Soulja had that rant? Oh, yes. And Bill Clinton had this rebuttal to it on TV that probably won him the election.
Oh, yeah. What was that? He went after Whitey.
Yeah. She was talking about, like, here, we'll play it.
We'll play it because I don't want to paraphrase it because we played it really recently. It shows you how good Clinton was when he was in his prime.
Oh, yeah. Well, the Dems lost for years.
When he wasn't raping, he was fucking on fire. I think it's like him and Obama are the goats.
Yeah. It's like the John Jones and the fucking George St.
Pierre of politics. Let's stand up for what's always been best about the Rainbow Coalition, which is people coming together across racial lines.
Hear, hear. The Rainbow Coalition was Jesse Jackson.
We talked about Mr. Fields in Louisiana that you had here last night.
A great role model. We don't have a lot of time to do this.

We don't have a lot of time.

Great hairline.

God damn.

You had a rap singer here last night.

Who?

Named Sister Soldier.

I defend her right to express herself through music.

But her comments before and after Los Angeles

were filled with the kind of hatred that you do not honor today and tonight. Just listen to this, what she said.
Wet-ass pussy. She told the Washington Post about a month ago, and I quote, if black people kill black people every day, why not have a week and kill white people? So you're a gang member and you'd normally kill somebody?

Why not kill a white person?

Last year she said, you can't call me or any black person anywhere in the world a racist.

We don't have the power to do to white people what white people have done to us.

And even if we did, we don't have that low-down, dirty nature.

If there are any good white people, I haven't met them.

Where are they?

Right here in this room.

That's where they are.

Right here in this room.

Shut up.

You're right.

Thank you. If there are any good white people, I haven't met them.
Where are they? Right here in this room. That's where they are.
Right here in this room. Shut up, you rapist.
I know she is a young person, but she has a big influence on a lot of people. And when people say that, if you took the words white and black and you reversed them, you might think David Duke was giving that speech.
Ooh, that's a good point. Let me tell you, we all make mistakes, and sometimes we're not as sensitive as we ought to be.
And we have an obligation, all of us, to call attention to prejudice wherever we see it. A few months ago, I made a mistake.
Fucking answer. Some chick said no, and I said shut up.
Didn't have any African-American members. I was criticized for doing it.

You know what?

I was rightly criticized for doing it.

I made a mistake.

Good for him.

I said I would never do that again.

And I think all of us have got to be sensitive to that.

We can't get anywhere in this country pointing the finger at one another across racial lines. If we do that, we're dead.

Can't play that.

Big deal. Even in Reverend Jackson's new math of this election, it's hard to get to a 34% solution or a 40% solution if the American people can be divided by race.
Look at Jesse. Amazing.
He was so good, Ben. To admit you're wrong, no one ever does it anymore.
It's so smooth. The way he did it was so smooth.
Jamie, weak bladder. Holla.
Oh, shit. Good speaker.
Holocaust. One bong here was enough for young Jamie.
Let's get some steaks and go to Shane's house and grill them. I'm actually totally all right with that.
What about your roommate? La Mer? Yeah. La Mer's cool.
He'll grill for us. La Mer will be the best.
Put on the bow tie and do it. I'm going to put him out.
He's going to fuck it up. I'm going to have to be the griller.
Yes. Yeah, you'll grill cool.
He'll grill for us Put on the bow tie

I'm gonna have to be the griller

Yes, yeah, you'll grill

Actually, let's go do that. Let's do that.
I'm a pool. I turn the hot tub on

Dude, okay anything else should we cover anything else for wrap this bitch up?

We have to wait for JMO

It won't shut off. We got Ellen leaving.
We'll say something ridiculous. I'm like, oh no.
We talked politics. We talked the Jake Paul fight.
That was so bad. That was a real waste of time.
That seemed like a sparring match. The Jussie Smollett fight was better.
I would like to see a video of that. He got off, by the way.
I know. Is that wild? Justice Smollett? I knew he was innocent the whole time.
How did they get him off? Find out how Justice Smollett got off, Jamie. How about this? What would you want the four years and now, what would you want one thing to be done? Over four years? Yeah.
Release the JFK files. That's one? That's one.
Stop the war. Stop the war is first.
Stop the war. Ukraine, Gaza, stop the war.
Mark? Well, I like the censorship thing. That's silly.
Why do I only have to have one? I don't know. Sure, you're right.
Wars is number one. Wars is always going to be number one.
I'd like to end the Cuba embargo. Doesn't seem to be doing anything.
Absolutely. Instead, the conviction was overturned because the Illinois Supreme Court ruled 5-0 that a special prosecutor should not have been allowed to intervene after the Cook County State's attorneys initially dropped the charges against Smollett in exchange for forfeiting his $10,000 bond and conducting community service.
So that should have been punishment enough. And so they decided to make it public and make a big deal out of it.
That's reasonable. Because otherwise, was he going to jail? Did he have to go to jail? Miss Pat was the best before anyone said it was fake.
Before anyone. Oh yeah, she called it.
I would say I was day one. She goes, she goes, motherfucker, who's gonna wear, who's gonna use name brand bleach to attack somebody? She goes, of 15 years in prison.
Oh my god And made everyone think there's racism when there's not he's an actor It's like a baby that like bit an electric cord. Yeah, Bridget said the best You can't let the actors write the fucking script.
Well, everything now Well that's like The Johnny Depp trial too It's like There's certain times Where the actors get involved In their own Script writing And get pretty nutty Yeah Johnny Depp during that interview Was so funny Because when they're like What's this box for There's a coke And he goes Yeah Yeah I mean What do you think's in there Yeah. Isn't it crazy she put on makeup and said he beat her? Like, she just completely lied.
Well, some people do that. And then the people are like, wow, maybe she has a point.
He was originally sentenced to 150 days in jail, 30 months of probation, in order to pay a fine of $130,000. He only spent about one week in prison before being released.
Because he did what they wanted. God damn, they put him week though oh they did the whole thing's stupid as fuck but it's just an attention grab no one's a victim of it other than everybody's sensibility like there's no real victim of it like if he victimized someone i would see i think the public humiliation of people finding out that it's like it's enough we don't have to cage people but for something stupid it a stupid thing, and it's also a stupid thing from an actor that's involved in this bizarre industry that props people up for no reason and then shoots them down.
It's a fucking chaotic, bizarre way to live your life, and you're probably insane if you're involved in it. But it's a good sign for our country that, like, hey, this thing actually didn't happen.
He had to make this up. This shit doesn't happen in the streets.
It's just like an actor writing this is a MAGA country. Bitch, you're in Chicago! What the fuck are you talking about? Porn bleach on them.
They wanted it so bad to be this thing. Here's my favorite part.
My favorite part was when he walked in with the noose still around his neck. You have to leave the noose.
You don't take the noose off because then no one's going to believe you. Right.
Jesus Christ. This is like when I wear a fucking festival armband six months later.
Yeah. Oh my God.
You're amazing. You see the new Robert Rodriguez movie? You're amazing.
You still got your October 7th fan? just stop both of those fucking things from popping. That would be great.
It's worth everything else about Yeah, that's the whole point is get in there stop this shit. Just cool everyone I think his like feistiness kind of makes him his own worst enemy in a certain way.
Like why people hate him when he tweets, like, I hate Taylor Swift. It's like his feistiness, his fucking – but that's also what kept him in this thing.
So if I think about it psychologically, like I think about certain competitors in sports or in fighting, there's people that are just like complete fucking maniacs like michael jordan and that's why they're the best yeah they're complete maniacs and the complete maniacs are oftentimes like not so good at controlling their initial thought yeah michael jordan would bribe like baggage handlers to get his bag out first because you bet with scotty pippen whose bag would come out first i think i think trump's amazing yeah that was amazing i think trump's ego is like actually maybe a good thing because if because he'll do do one to me what every everybody says he is like so we're sitting here being like he's gonna be the one to end the wars and i think he'll be like yeah i have to now i am the one that's gonna end the wars oh yeah and he, I mean, that's how I kind of look at it. I think so, too.
I think his ego is actually, I mean, it is a good thing because I think he will. Yeah, he's got to be like, guys, you've both done shit wrong.
But can we stop this? He did not drain the swamp. He did not drain the swamp.
That was sucky. But that's a good question that I had for him.
Like, what was it like making, like, 10,000 appointments? And he's like, we made a lot of mistakes. Yeah, we don't do it.
He's like, I've never governed before. It's essentially, and every time he's talked about this, he's like, you enter into this new thing.
The Gates man was, Matt Gates, get the fuck out of here. He's gone.
Well, he had to back down, it seems like. I know, but it's like, bro, first off, if you're a dude with insane plastic surgery on your face.
He's got the Botox. Get him out.
The eyebrows. I heard he was like.
Obviously, don't kill Matt Gaetz. No, but you look like McDonald's.
I heard he was like, Matt Gaetz, you've got to resign so I can appoint you to this thing. And then he resigned.
He's like, fuck off, loser. Is that what he did? Did you just make that up? No, somebody told me.
I didn't just make it up. He told Matt Gaetz, you got to resign so I can appoint you.
And Matt Gaetz is like, why do I have to resign? He goes, trust me, trust me. You resign.
I appoint you to this thing. And he goes, okay, I resign.
He goes, not appointing you. No, I think with Matt Gaetz.
When did you hear this? Yesterday. Somewhere at the comedy mothership.
At the tunnels. At the temple.
Somebody told me that. I don't even know who that guy is.

You are spreading misinformation.

This is why they want to censor internet.

No, I heard it.

I think it was...

All right, you're fucking up my whole show.

So is he not a congressman anymore?

RFK Jr., that's what a guy's supposed to look like

when he's his age.

That's what a healthy guy...

Healthy guy, ripped, strong, 70 years old.

Yay.

That's it.

No fucking Botox. Yeah.
botulism shot your fucking face

What is that stuff?

Him and Cheryl is still fuck you know who him and Cheryl he definitely

Oh, I'm sure to slap her ass. Smells like a car that can't start.
That's an old Dana Carver joke. It's going to be interesting to see what happens if that guy gets into a position of influence and power.
If he takes my Fruit Loops, I'm going to fucking storm the Capitol. Slowly.
I know a lot of people are skeptical about RFK, but we are obese. We are addicted to opioids.
We are fucked up. That's true, but I have to tell you.
I was looking at the images, the difference between the Canadian Froot Loops and the American Froot Loops online, and I'm willing to take the risk of the red dye. What do you mean? They look so much cooler.
Look how much cooler they look. I'll tell you.
Show me the difference, Jamie. I ate a bowl today.
If you just eat a little bit every now and then, how bad is that red dye? Give us some colorful stuff. I switched them a few years ago.
Listen to me. I'm fine.
I've eaten a thousand bowls of Froot Loops. I'm not doing great.
Same. Let's take a look at what the Froot Loops look like in Canada versus, like, look at that.
I want the one on the left. Those are gross and gay.
Dead Froot Loops. I don't want to eat it every day, but I want the one on the left.
There's a question a few years ago to take them out, and they did, but no one bought it, so they put it back in. The one on the right looks like that generic stuff that you buy when you're poor.
The bag. You know, when it's like fruit cereal.
Fruity, moody. Poor fucking fish.
Fruity, moody cereal. That's like generic cereal.
Yeah, it looks like it's got AIDS. That's why Canadians are sad.
They have bad fruit loops. Just don't eat it every day, you fucking idiots.
Don't eat it all the time. Don't feed it to your kids.
Play me a sad Saskatoon. That's not nutrition.
That's nonsense that you'd eat occasionally. Occasional nonsense is good for you.
It's crazy. They tried to nail him on the Fruit Loops and he's exactly right.
I know. They like Fruit Loops.
The United Times fact-checked him. It's one of you fucking dumbasses eating Fruit Loops.
You know what I mean? They should do better with the FDA. Obviously, he's right.
Don't eat fucking Fruit Loops. Right.
We have a health director that's like, yeah, crush Fruit Loops. But we've been pushing balanced breakfast for 30 years with the cereal.
That's crazy. It's part of this balanced breakfast.
Yeah. LOL.
Yeah. Fruit Loops.
It's cardboard. Fucking eggs.
What are you doing to that kid? Yeah. autism's up, depression's up, all that shit's up.
There's too much money. There's too much money that's being funneled to people.
That's really all it is. The pharmaceutical drug companies make so much money.
They have so much power. But I thought we cared about people's health.
But you're supposed to. They're supposed to too.
It's not supposed to be you shouldn't make any money. It's like you shouldn't make as much money as you possibly can while lying.
You shouldn't do it at the risk of everyone. But that's a liberal thought.
It is. Everybody still needs pharmaceutical drugs.
They've come up with some amazing drugs that have kept people alive. But you can't let them just make as much money as they possibly can while lying.
That's the problem. It's like you have to know how much of this stuff is safe and how much of this stuff is untested.
And what are the tests? And are you being honest or are you just making these tests work for you? Are you bullshitting? So if you're bullshitting, then you're trying to make more money than you should. You should still be able to make a fuckload of money because there's a ton of pharmaceutical drugs that are awesome that people need.
But you can't make as much money as possible while lying.

And that's the thing.

It's not like it's an anti-pharmaceutical drug.

It's an anti-human perspective to not look at it this way.

It's to say you're going to allow these people that are only motivated by money to just wreak

havoc on people's health for profit.

And either you're cool with that or you're not cool with that.

And if you're cool with that and you call yourself a progressive that's kind of crazy it's kind of crazy that you want an unregulated corporation that has a literal obligation to their shareholders to make the most profit possible and then you get these fucking corporate assassins to run these things and then you have insane amounts of money that you're spending on the media There's no way anybody gets a fair shake at what the fuck is actually going on. Advil's okay.
Purdue's not. There's even, you know, a lot of those things are not good for you, man, that people take on a regular basis.
And you don't know it because it's being hidden from you. Yeah.
Follow your nose. You know, I read this story about this lady who had COVID and she was really hurting.
So she took too much Tylenol. She died from liver failure.
Whoa. Because if you take too much Tylenol, it'll fucking kill you.
Really? Yes. I didn't know that.
This is going to be the last headache you ever have. If you just go ham and think the more Tylenol, the better.
You just start chewing on them. You will have a fucking real problem.
I took like five today. Yeah.
Let's go. Fuck your liver up.
Really? Everyone should know that. You should fucking know that you should know.
It's not that you shouldn't be able to get Tylenol. Of course you should have Tylenol.
Everybody likes Tylenol. You get a headache, take Tylenol, you feel better.
But it's like everyone should fucking know like what is like really dangerous for you. What studies have you done and how honest are you? And are you just trying to make more money? Yeah.

In the 90s, they took all the Tylenol off the shelf.

Remember that?

One kid died.

I just typed in liver and COVID.

Oh, no.

This was about Tylenol.

She died of Tylenol failure.

Who are these on Tylenol?

What a fucking dork.

It says that COVID's hard on your liver, so.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sure.

COVID's hard on everything.

Yeah, but the thing is, people have died from Tylenol without COVID.

COVID does suck. Tylenol, acetaminophen, Google how many deaths of acetaminophen every year.
Because that's an interesting statistic. That's interesting.
Google that every year. Yeah, good for you.
That's going to be a tough spell. Deaths.
Got it. That's an autofill.
That's an autofill for sure. Look at that.
458. That's not that much.
458 deaths every year due to acute liver failure. Look at that.
458 people that didn't have to die. Yeah.
Yeah, Gaza. Yeah.
I mean, but still, if you die from that, that's fucking crazy. And look at all the hospital visits.
Look at all the people that had to be hospitalized. Go back to that, please.
Look at this. 2,600 hospitalizations, 56,000 emergency room visits.
So it's not just the 458 people that died. It's 56,000 people that probably got on death's door.
It's the point where they had to go to the fucking emergency room. And 2,600.
Yeah, it's real. A lot of people like going to the emergency room, too.
That's true. That's true.
That is true. I got to do something.
That's true. Look up how many weed emergency rooms there are where people go, I ate all the popcorn.
Oh, my God. I had a friend of mine, and I think it was like his sister's husband was a complete hypochondriac, like a full on.
Like he would go to the hospital, like emergency room, like all the time, all the time. And she was going crazy.
Like she didn't know what to do about it. He was like completely nuts.
Like he would just get checked into the hospital and there was nothing wrong with him. And then he would just decide that there was something wrong with him.
He had to go right now and he'd go and there was nothing wrong with him. And it like a regular thing jesus christ yeah but that's a stat that's in the stats he was like her husband and they had children together and you got this guy who just can't stop going to the doctor like he was like really kooky it became like a real phobia like like a real mental uh you know pathology the doctor sucks bro this guy was constantly thinking something was going wrong.
So he was just in this constant state of anxiety about his health. Yikes.
It's a real thing that happens to people. Don Barris got high with popcorn weed, like edibles, and then ate the rest of the bag.
And then went to sleep and woke up and was like, what the fuck? Something's wrong with me. Went to the hospital and the doctor tested him and goes goes, smoke weed? And Don's like, fuck.
Fuck. Then he realized that's what was wrong with him.
He went too hard. He thought he was having a panic attack.
He went too hard. I never go to the hospital.
I gotta be shitting blood or puking. I've gotta literally be dying.
I told this story a bunch of times about Ari. Me and Ari were playing pool once and Ari was limping.
I go, why are you limping? And he goes, oh, a spider bit me. I go, let me see it.
He pulls up his knee. I go, oh my god, dude, you have a staph infection.
I go, we gotta go to the hospital right now. He was like, we gotta go to the hospital.
I unscrewed my cue right now. I go, we gotta go to the hospital right now.
You gotta get to the emergency room. Whoa.
He had a raging staph infection on his knee. My dad went to the hospital for his heart attack.
He was like, I'm tired. I'm going upstairs.
He was laying in bed. He started Googling.
He was like, hey, Siri, what are the heart attack symptoms? The things about jujitsu gyms is they don't fucking tell you the dangers of staph infections. They should have pictures of what staph looks like.
100%. What is a staph? A staph infection is, if you don't wash yourself, and Ari's a dirty bitch, we all know it.
Listen won't show it getting scratched You're scraping your knee on the ground your mat nails Dudes fingernails scratch you You get it if you don't wash your like I'm diligent if I do jujitsu I want I use defense soap I wash my hands and go do spots. I wash my whole body.
I lather up my whole body. I let it sit on me for a couple of minutes, and then I rinse it off.
Jamie, you pervert. Who's Jamie? That was already in your favorites? If I have any kind of scratches, I have wipes, and I wipe the scratches.
Really? Yeah. I've got staff twice.
They should do a better job of that in jits. Tate Fletcher told me I had staff the first time.
That's one of the reasons why I was happy I could tell you because I was sitting me and him were at the airport we were chilling I was wearing shorts and I had my my my foot up on my knee like that and he goes what's going on your calf I go what is that he goes what is that I go I don't know it's like a couple of red dots so I get something he goes dude that might be staph infection seriously that's how guys looks like that that how guys are. It looks like that? That's how guys are.
Should be fun. I immediately went to the doctor.
He's like, that's staph. They tested it.
They gave me antibiotics. And I was like, whoa.
Did it hurt? I said I'll go to the doctor tomorrow. And Joe's like, dude, I'm telling you.
I understand. You got to go now.
It's about to become systemic. Yes.
You got to catch it quick. One of Brian Callen's friends' wives died from staph.
What? Because she tried to treat it. She tried to be holistic and take vitamins and shit.
You gotta go to the fucking doctor. See, this is the thing we're talking about.
That's my favorite anti-vaxxers is where the crystal people and the super rednecks come together. This is why we need balance, right? Because pharmaceutical drugs like antibiotics are fucking super important.
They're super important. And it saved your life, for sure.
fucked dude I was if I was like a zit under a microscope it's a problem it was like you ever look at it if you looked at a zit under a microscope that's what it was like I was like this is huge why you limping yeah he was limping from a zit you didn't know guys just assume like I think I'm okay it should go away it was Hollywood guys don't go to doctors he was was Hobbling around the table. I was like what is going on man? Whoa If I didn't look at your knee dude, and you just left that go you would be a dead man Yeah, you're like Joe like pull your leg up.
You're so close to this being such a good podcast We were just one I'll never forget that thing. My heart stopped.
My heart stopped when I saw it.

Hello, doggy.

Damn.

The moment I saw that giant zit,

literally my breath stopped.

I'm like, oh my God,

we're going to get to your hospital right now.

That was the same pool session.

So I've got Joe goes to the bathroom.

This is before any of the podcasts even.

And he goes to the bathroom,

this guy clocks him.

And he comes back and he goes to Joe.

He goes, what do you think of that big fight? And Joe's like, oh, which one? He goes, I don't know. He's just trying to talk.
He was just, I got to pee again. Let's wrap this one up.
This happens up. Gentlemen, we saved the world.
J-Mo. We saved the world.
Notre Dame football. One more time.
What's the score? What's the score? $14. Comedy.
MarkNorman.com.

Yes.

MarkNormanComedy.com.

Make sure you watch Tires Season 2 being filmed right now.

When is it coming out?

Spring or summer.

Okay.

Let's go.

Let's fucking go.

Arch Fear.

New special coming out January 14th.

The week, six days before inauguration.

Hell yeah.

Let's fucking go.

Oh, I'm at the Ryman in Nashville.

Beautiful.

Ari, let's get you on the books right before the special. Okay.
Maybe a lot of Lago. We'll see.
A lot of Lago. Well, I should do that after he gets in.
That's January 20th. We do Protect Our Parks.
I'm going to get him on the books, and then we'll do a Protect Our Parks in Mar-a-Lago. We needed this one.
I missed you guys. America needed it.
Let's go. Let's all play golf there.
Let's go. Let's go.
Sex with kids. Let's go to Shane's.

Hey, you just fucked it all up.

I'm sorry.

Cut that part.

Dude, I love you guys so much.

This was fun shit.

Yeah, I love you.