#2373 - Dave Landau

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What's up?

How you doing?

Good to see you, brother.

Good to see you, sir.

What's crack a luck out?

Not much.

Just rocking the Chinola.

You've been talking about your Shinola watch.

I'm glad Detroit's coming back, you know, and I like how Shinola represents.

Shinola is definitely one of the things that's great about Detroit.

Yeah, they say, like, made in Detroit, they're proud.

Yes, which we didn't have for a long time.

Dude.

Detroit is the craziest story.

If you know the story about Detroit, like in the 1950s and 60s, it was the third richest city in the world.

Well, yeah, it was called the Paris of the Midwest.

And it's a city that's still built for 7 million people with supposedly 700,000 living in it.

I mean, so you do see a lot of like, how is there like a million-dollar condo in the same place that has like eight abandoned other apartments?

It's when you go downtown, it makes no sense logistically.

You ever watch that show Top Gear?

Oh, yeah.

The Jeremy Clarkson and the I think it was either Top Gear was maybe the

one they did after that, that they did for Amazon.

But they went to Detroit and they bought a house for $500.

Yeah, you can.

And there's also the people that buy them and open the door and get mulled by pit bulls.

Or you see the ones that like

they'll put a like a pumpkin patch, like they'll do an urban farm, which is hysterical.

And you'll see these hippies on the news.

They cut my face and stole my plums.

And it's like, yeah, but you're in a crack neighborhood.

Nobody wants your farm.

No, we're gendrifying.

Yeah.

Isn't that what you guys want?

And it's like, they don't want that at all.

There's some delusional fucking people out there, dude.

And what they did to Detroit, like anybody that thinks

that

you should allow corporations to just take all the jobs and move them overseas.

Well, this is just like corporate decision-making, and it's a prudent financial decision-making.

Look at Detroit.

Look what they did.

It's a prime example of like, that was the American dream.

And then they're like, we'll just, we'll assemble them in Mexico.

But we'll write Made in America on your door, so you're going to feel good about it.

Did they even write Made in America on the door?

Sometimes they do.

Like, I preferred like the 80s and 90s, where if you bought a car and it was made on a Friday, you knew a drunk guy did it.

So you're like, give me one from a Wednesday.

Like, those were the days of American automaking.

See, that's part of the problem, too.

A friend of mine who was in the union told me that the automakers union just got out of control.

They were making so much money and

they were constantly in negotiations.

There were strikes impending.

Oh, yeah.

And then they were like, hey, but fuck you.

We'll just go to Mexico.

Yeah, they are

too.

Right.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's just part of it.

But no, like later on, like you said, in the 80s and 90s, like you're grandfathered in.

And it really doesn't matter what you do wrong.

Like, that's part of the deal.

Yeah, you can't get fired.

No, it's great.

I mean, it's great for the worker.

Yeah.

There seems to be like a middle balance that could be reached.

Like, don't be fully hammered when you're trying to put a door on an F-150.

I mean, they should make good money because the corporation makes good money.

I mean, you know, they were doing well.

It was a...

very profitable business.

The workers should share in those profits.

Well, and like the electric ones, it just didn't work for them either.

Oh, they pushed it out too soon, too.

Because I know people that work on the line, you have like the electric F-150.

And it's like F-150 is everybody wants one.

They love it as a work truck.

But as an electric truck, you put the thing down in South America where it's hot all the time.

It's just going to catch fire.

So it's like it's not really working out.

Or if you're in the cold, the battery sucks.

Yeah, which.

Yeah.

And I just don't like electric cars personally.

Maybe it's just because I'm from Detroit and I grew up and I just want to feel an engine.

I get it, but I have a Tesla that will knock your dick into the the dirt.

Oh, I know they're fast.

It's not just fast.

Fucking cars are incredible.

It's a piece of machinery from the future.

What is it?

It's a Model S,

but it's a plaid that was sent to a company called Unplugged Performance.

And Unplugged Performance takes the fenders off, put carbon fiber wider fenders, changes the suspension to like a race-based suspension, puts wide tires on it and wider wheels, upgrades the brakes to these huge carbon fiber discs because it's a very heavy car.

I was going to say, so it's heavier as opposed to lighter, like a race car.

Well, it's heavier because Teslas are very heavy, because the batteries.

But because the batteries are on the bottom, the center of gravity in the car is phenomenal.

Okay.

It's like one of the best balanced cars you could ever drive.

And the self-driving is bananas.

Oh, you have it on there?

I had my buddy.

Yeah, you get it with the car.

I had my buddy Fedor was here the other day, and he had never been in one.

So the first thing I always do is merge onto the highway.

I'm like, you ready?

Yeah.

It goes zero to 60 in 1.9 seconds.

Are you serious?

1.9 seconds.

Oh, that's faster.

And then I go, now this is what's really wacky.

I put in the destination and I just say, take me to the comedy mothership.

And then I press a button.

And it goes, do, do.

And when I go, it goes, do, do, it just does it on its own, changes lanes, stops at red lights.

It's crazy.

It moves around obstructions.

Really?

Yeah.

And yeah, because I remember the first ones, they were like, you know, barreling over bikers.

Yeah.

It's still based based on cameras, so you could fool it with a camera.

You could fool the camera rather.

So some guy set up a mural in the desert.

So what he did was he had the highway, and then he made a mural that looked like the highway, and the car just ran right through the mural.

Oh, I saw that.

That was great.

He made it look, yeah, and he put a Woody Woodpecker to the side of it.

Like he just pulled.

He just drew the tunnel.

It was hysterical.

And this went right into the desert.

He was basically like that, but he didn't draw the tunnel.

But it is what Woody Woodpecker did.

Yeah.

It's so awesome.

He would draw a tunnel at the side of a cliff, and that's all he did.

Just tricked it like it was a coyote.

Which, with all the AI, it was kind of nice to see.

I hate to say it.

I was like, that's a little relieving.

It's kind of funny.

It's cool for now.

But, you know, it's like beating up a two-year-old that's eventually to become an NFL player.

It's going to grow up.

It's going to kill you.

You're going to regret it.

They're going to remember who fucked with the Waymos.

I was watching a movie last night.

I can't remember the name of it,

Companion, and it was just all about like sex bots.

And they're like hunting them and going at each other.

And it's like just a...

It's a movie?

Like a film?

Yeah.

It was on HBO.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

And like they set up a sex bot to kill one of their friends so they can rob them.

Oh, boy.

And it turns out she's a sex bot and this other guy's a sex bot.

And I'm watching it and I'm like, this is the problem.

Yeah, there it is.

Like, you can't really give these things personalities if you have a sex bot, I think.

Well, this is part of the problem that's happening with these chat bots with kids because they're developing relationships with them and like one one AI chat bot was teaching a kid how to make a noose

that's not funny no

it's pretty funny it's a little funny

it's a little funny the fucking robot is teaching a suicidal kid how to do it right it's already encouraging like you have a good idea yeah take a rope make sure yeah that's

I wonder if any of the woke AI chat bots have talked to any of these trans school shooters They might have.

You know what I'm saying?

Look, the last one, yeah, I don't know.

Bro, it's like seven of the last X amount of trans

seven in a row have been trans, except one was non-binary, which is just diet trans.

It is,

right?

That's diet trans.

That's trans without the sugar.

I just don't get it.

Like, I felt suicidal.

Like, stay at home and kill yourself.

Like, don't go into schools.

Or just go for a walk yeah that would be good too you know the problem is some people get to a certain point in their life and they have no friends and no community and no identity and no life and it's not they're not successful and they feel like shit and then they have gender dysphoria on top of that and then they're probably on a bunch of ssris which rfk jr is going to apparently do some sort of a large-scale research into

the connection between mass shootings and psychiatric drugs because it is real and everyone knows it.

And it's just this dirty secret that no one talks about because all the media is paid off by the pharmaceutical drug companies and nobody wants to make this correlation connection because you also risk the wrath of all these people that are on them saying, I'm on them and I'm not doing anything.

It's not the pills.

I need these to function.

Maybe you do.

I don't know.

I don't know how your brain works.

But the reality is, most of these people that have committed mass murder are on psychiatric medication.

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Well, they are.

And I'm on SSRIs that I'm trying to get off of right now because I've been on for 10 years, Zoloft.

And I don't like it.

So I hadn't liked it for a long time.

And even dealing with like mental health care, I'm like, I don't think I need this.

And they're like, well, it's better.

You stay on them.

I'm like, this is odd because it's having the opposite thoughts, you know?

And so I...

It's having the opposite thoughts.

It makes you feel bad, depressed, yeah, wants me like really like I gained weight.

I was doing like really bad mentally for a while because of certain things, and it was I took myself off of them for five days and I felt good, and then I got really queasy and really nauseous.

Like my brain started kind of misfiring, so now I'm

weaning it off a little more correctly as opposed to just going cold turkey.

So after five days, like what is happening where it makes your brain crazy?

I was stuttering, I was slipping up, I I was having trouble seeing.

Did you go online and see if there's any correct way to do this?

Yeah, they said to wean it off where whatever your thing is, take that and then bust a pill in half, take that for seven days, bust a pill in half, take that for seven days, and that's what I'm doing now.

And I already feel better being on less.

But I was told for the last 10 years that that's what I should be on, and I think it's had a very negative effect to me.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, see, brains.

Brain zaps.

That's what what I mean.

Like, you just feel like you're having a stroke.

Electric, shock-like sensations in the head are a hallmark symptom.

Other sensations can include tingling or numbness.

Yep.

Flu-like symptoms, digestive issues, sleep problems, balance.

Your balance goes.

Mood changes.

Cognitive issues.

Brain fog.

There it is.

All of it.

And nausea was the one that really messed me up because I was just like, why do I feel sick?

But I didn't feel like the flu.

You just felt like thrown up.

Yeah.

And I just realized, I'm like, okay, well, what did I take out?

Because I've gone off of a lot of harder drugs and alcohol and stuff.

So I know what it's like to feel withdrawals.

And it was a withdrawal from.

So how old are you now?

I'm 43.

So when you were 33, you got on them.

Yeah.

So what was going on at 33?

We were like, I need medication.

I went to their, my mom had died, killed herself.

So I decided to go see a doctor, and they were like, look, take this.

And I'm thinking, like, I think my mom was on this.

I don't know if this is the best answer, but I took it and it was.

Your mom was on it?

She was on, yeah, she was on antidepressants, and she was bipolar.

But they had her miss they had her misdiagnosed as depressive, too.

Because I was like, I think she's bipolar.

And they're like, How do you know?

I'm like, you know, I lived with her for 30 years and I know the mood swings because I grew up in a house where like you came home and she was either the happiest woman on the planet or you were fucking terrified.

Like it was one or the other, you know?

And that's just and she wasn't a bad person.

She just had this mental imbalance.

Yeah.

And it was after things happened with my dad and like the government and things like that.

So whatever were you doing in the government?

He was in Vietnam

and he got a soft cell sarcoma from Agent Orange.

Oh, and

the VA was great.

They did nothing for our family.

They denied both of my mom's claims.

My dad lost all of his money.

Like he was worth like four million.

I think he lost everything.

And it was to pay out of pocket.

And he got sick when I was 13.

He was like our baseball coach, everything.

So he would go around the country going to like Cambridge had a very good neurosurgery place for the brainstem.

University of Michigan in Ann Arbor had one.

So he wasn't as present a lot.

My mom was dealing with that on top of being in RN.

I mean, and he was tough as nails.

Like he would have one of those halos drilled in and he'd still go golfing and shit.

He'd just be on the course.

Oh my God.

And I'd be like, what are you doing?

He's like, it's not bad.

I don't pick my head up anymore.

So he's like,

you'd see the bright side of a halo dude he would find the positive in anything he was he reminded me of dangerfield a lot like that's how he was so he never complained and it was always crazy because he'd be very dry like people go how are you and he'd be like oh life is great he's just got something nailed into his fucking head he's like can you have me one of those tissues so i can clean it off real quick he goes it might be bleeding yeah how are you and he just tried to make light of it the whole time but the government did nothing and then the more and more i research it, we've talked to the VA.

I have an uncle who does stuff, former Marine, four people that have dealt with this from Vietnam, because they denied so many claims that ended up being real.

Like soft cell sarcoma was one of the things where they said, oh, we didn't do that.

That's not from Agent Orange.

It's like, are you sure?

Because it was in combat in the fields where you sprayed it to kill all the trees.

And they're like, yeah, that's not on us.

Then years later, they admitted it, but said, my mom filled out the paperwork wrong and gave us nothing.

and even 10 of that's 400 grand like gave us nothing dude

so it's like i've dealt with that my whole adult life where i have a little piece of me that's why i'm not really like right or left i'm very much like fuck either side of this until somebody does something that i actually believe in and when i see the stuff that's happening to so many people that fought especially when you find out about lbj the helicopters all the other bullshit that was the reason that we even went into vietnam the helicopters yeah LBJ, from what I understand, had money in helicopters.

Oh, God.

And was able to profit off of it.

Oh, God.

So, and people say it's a conspiracy theory, but why were we really there?

Well,

I think the real reason was heroin.

I'll give you that, yeah.

I think that was the real reason.

I think that's the real reason why we were in Afghanistan as well.

Oh, I would assume, yeah, because that's the poppy fields.

I don't want to say it's the only reason.

I'm sure there's other, there's military reasons,

there's rare earth minerals in Afghanistan, there's natural gas, there's a lot of resources in Afghanistan,

but there's a lot of heroin coming out of there.

That was at one point in time 94% of the earth's heroin supply was coming from the place that we were guarding.

We were literally guarding the poppy fields, military, U.S.

military, guarding the poppy fields that was supplying heroin to 94% of the earth.

That's insane.

Because the other part is, there's a part in China, like some of the triangle, I'm trying to think of.

It's

what's it called?

But the rest is Afghanistan, and that's how you're getting every drug in the world into

the U.S.

as far as like, you know, actually making opioids.

Because in the 90s, I worked in a pharmacy, which was a great place for a drug addict, especially when they weren't counting the pills.

You could do it by weight.

So you just say, like, hey, I got to go take out the trash, and you just, like, open up a bottle of like Valium or Percocets and just, you know, fill your cellophane.

The Golden Triangle, the remote jungle-covered border region where Thailand, Myanmar, and Lao People's Democratic Republic meet, has been, has seen an exponential surge in the manufacture and traffic of synthetic drugs.

Yes.

So that's what it is.

It's the Golden Triangle.

That's what I was thinking of.

And that, I guarantee you, that had a there was a major reason why we were in Vietnam.

There was so much money coming out of there, and the idea that some corrupt factions of either the military or the intelligence agencies or whoever it is.

So and I'm not saying the agencies or the military themselves.

I'm saying corrupt factions.

Because there's always going to be those.

Just like when the CIA sold drugs in south central L.A.

to pay for the Conscious versus the Sandinistas.

It's all real.

Well, look at Detroit.

When you look at White Boy Rick.

White Boy Rick was somebody who was caught selling crack.

And you had Coleman Young, the mayor, who was pretty corrupt.

And then you had the FBI who caught him and said, hey, here's some more crack.

Just go into the city and find out who the dealers are.

Then when white boy Rick got

brought in by the city, the FBI was like, We didn't do that.

We'd never put crack into a black community.

We don't know.

We've never seen this kid in our life.

So, this kid, who's my cousin's friend, white boy Rick, ends up going to prison.

I don't know the exact time for like 30 years.

He's like 17.

They tried to name him as a kingpin.

And again, he's a white boy in Detroit who's 17.

He's not a kingpin of shit.

And he served the longest time because Coleman Young was pissed.

He was dating his niece.

So

he goes away.

And then while he's in jail, they

have him sign a thing that said he stole a car so his sister didn't have to go to jail.

So finally, they let him out.

for all this wrongdoing that he never did,

this sentence that was batshit.

And then he has to go right from that jail to Chicago to serve time for stealing a car while he was in prison.

His story is crazy.

There's a documentary called White Boy, Boy, and it's one.

Yeah, that's the one with McConaughey, which is a good movie.

McConaughey was in the movie?

Yeah, McConaughey plays his dad.

My uncle knew the actual guy.

He said he was like, he said he was kind of a dipshit.

He would sell guns very obviously out of his basement.

They live like two blocks over.

So is this guy alive now?

Oh, he's still alive, yeah.

And is he out?

Is that white boy Rick?

That's him?

That's him now.

He got out

just a few years ago.

Jesus Christ.

So he was in there for.

How old is he now?

Oh, I don't know.

Well, he went in in the 80s.

Oh, my God.

And I think he got out around 2020.

So, yeah, if you see the documentary, White Boy, I highly recommend.

Yes, a teenage drug informant for the FBI, but then they denied ever talking to him.

Look at it, says above where the Eminem picture is.

White Boy Rick releases his own marijuana strain.

Yes.

That's the good thing about Detroit now, it's all like insanely legal.

That's funny.

Freeway Ricky Ross is doing that in L.A.

Is he really?

Yeah.

Freeway Ricky Ross, who is selling the drugs in L.A.

that paid for the Contras versus the Sandinistas.

Oh, that's awesome.

He's got his own weed line now.

I know a few guys who were like heavy-busted in the late 90s, and now they all have stores.

And it's just hilarious to me.

You would think that they would shy away from that.

No, they just smoked even after.

I was like, still, okay.

But my saying is, my thinking is it's still federally illegal.

It is.

Like, to open up a store and have that your primary source of income, a Schedule I drug, according to the government.

It seems risky as fuck for someone who's already been inside.

Oh, dude, it really.

Well, it's odd that they could get the right, like the permit for it.

I know.

Or at least they know someone who got the permit for it and they work there, so maybe I shouldn't let up too much.

Yeah.

Their grandmother or something.

Yeah, that's who owns the store.

It's a 95-year-old lady.

But if you go to parts two, it's like weed store, weed store, vape store, weed store.

You're like, I can't believe you packed this many into a block.

It's not like a liquor license that takes forever to get.

It seems pretty easy.

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I wonder if there's like weed store wars.

There's got to be.

There must be.

They're fighting over profits.

If they're all in the same street together.

Well, I was just in Albuquerque last weekend, and they had the same thing where I'm like, so it's weed store, massage parlor, vape store, buy here, rent here, car lot, buy here, pay here, weed store, weed store, weed store.

It's crazy how legal it is in a state.

Yeah, it all depends on the state.

Yeah.

Right.

In Texas, it's just medical.

And I think you have to have AIDS.

I think you're going to be basically dead.

Yeah, they only wanted to give it to the bad, bad AIDS people.

They're expanding that, though.

They're looking at expanding that.

If the federal government just changed the designation or distinction or whatever you would say it is, like from Schedule 1 to Schedule 3 or something like that, which is reasonable, that's what they should do.

Well, the whole thing is ridiculous, and that's how you get organized crime.

I mean, 100%.

Look at Prohibition.

Detroit was one of the first places to have it when it was three years before they actually made it nationally outlawed.

And that gave birth to the Purple Gang, who Capone was even afraid of.

And I mean those guys were fucking ruthless.

And they would just go over to Canada because it was right across the river.

And they would just either take a boat or in the winter they would drive.

And of course they'd send some underling to drive to figure out how heavy the ice was so they knew if they put that many kegs in a thing you'd you'd die.

So there's just model tees at the bottom of the river.

Really?

Yeah, dude, it's cool.

A lot of the old mansions still have the tunnels that will lead out into the river that the bootleggers used to use.

Wow.

It's really fascinating.

So Canada never went prohibition, huh?

No, and it was right there.

Like, you could throw a rock.

You just take a drive to Toronto.

Yeah, just go right into it.

Yeah.

Civilized person.

Well, they have legal weed up there, too.

Yeah.

The whole country.

Yeah, this is one of them.

Look at that.

Model tea at the bottom of the river.

And this was a guy who's like, I got a whole bunch.

And then halfway.

That's fucking bad.

The ice went out.

Yeah, dude.

They were.

The Purple Gang was ruthless, man.

I never heard of that before.

They were the the first.

They were probably the first Jewish gang.

They had Irish members as well.

They were the Bernstein brothers.

Their parents owned a shoe store.

And the legend is they were called Purple because that was the color of rancid meat.

So they hated the name because they thought it sounded gay.

But

they still ran with it.

But when you see pictures of them all lined up in mugshots,

they would do stuff, like walk up to somebody and be like, hey, I like your ring.

And they'd be like, thanks.

And then a guy would just cut the dude's finger off and he would take his ring.

Like they were...

like the level of cruelty these guys would inflict on people to take over a city was next level wow and they've never heard of this before yeah dude even co even uh

uh capone wouldn't mess with them because he was over in chicago and needed some of these guys to supply the liquor Wow, and the Purple Gang ruled Detroit.

So is that a documentary where it says the Purple Gang?

They have, that might be.

They did a mob museum thing on it.

I went and saw in Vegas.

Like that book right there, The Organized Crime in Detroit, that's a great book.

And it's got a lot of fun photos.

But, yeah,

they were as ruthless as you could absolutely get.

Go to that first picture in the upper left-hand corner and make it big.

Look at their faces, man.

Yeah, none of them are happy.

Those are hard-looking dudes.

Yeah, they had a rough, rough life.

So a lot of them were just like stray kids that were Irish that were just abandoned by their parents.

And then the rest were these Jewish kids whose parents owned a

shoe store.

Wow.

And I mean, eventually they dismantled, the Italians took over.

But, you know, during Prohibition, they reigned.

Wow.

Yeah.

Never heard of that before.

It's a really cool story that I've always wanted to see in a movie, and nobody's been able to execute it.

And I would love to see it.

Maybe somebody will now that you just got the story out.

I hope people do because it's such a cool story.

It sounds crazy.

Like the level of Detroit mob, too, that's been around is just, it's wonderful.

I shouldn't say wonderful, but I love it.

Just crazy.

Yeah, like they were nice to my dad and stuff when he was young.

And, you know, like when he had gotten back from Nom.

And, you know, they're just nice people that I knew.

Wow.

Nice people that kill people.

Yeah, but you know,

I kill bad people.

Yeah.

The, um the but the thing you said that th's so important is that like prohibition, all it does is prop up organized crime.

And the the fact that we still do it, it's just it's just for optics.

It's just because people's like, I don't want legal drugs on the streets and my kids getting hooked on drugs.

Drugs are here.

They're here.

If your kids go to a club, if your kids go to a bar, if your kids are partying, drugs are there.

They're a real thing.

You'd be way better off if drugs were legal and then you knew exactly what you were getting.

Because these kids are getting fentanyl.

Because I had this guy, Ed, called around the other day, who's a...

expert in the cartels and he said they started adding fentanyl because they had grown so many poppies that the soil had been depleted so the heroin was very weak so to make the heroin more potent they started adding fentanyl is that what it was

and the desire for all that stuff was all because of the sackler brothers so the sackler brothers when when they created this opiate crisis in america which did not exist before where everybody's hooked on these fucking pills Then they start cracking down the laws.

So now you have a demand and you don't have a supply.

And then along comes the cartel and starts making pills.

And they start making pills with fentanyl in them because their heroin's not that strong.

Xanax, Percocet, all of these things that kids don't know they're taking.

That's the shit part.

Yeah, make it look just like the real pill.

Oh, I know what those are.

Oh, yeah.

You get those pressed Xanis that look just like a bar, and it's just complete fentanyl.

And I remember when fentanyl, I shouldn't say first came out, it's been around, but it first started becoming.

It put it in products you weren't expecting.

And I had like three friends die within a matter of maybe four months.

And that's how I started noticing, like, well, this is going to get serious.

And now, like, there's a site, I see, it's like called Every 11 Minutes.

And that's when, or every 11 seconds.

And that's how long it takes for someone to OD on fentanyl in this country.

So every 11 seconds, a new person is overdosing on fentanyl.

Wow.

And all because of our stupid laws.

And

I'm not saying legal heroin would be good for everybody.

It's not good to do heroin.

I think everybody would agree to that.

Well,

yeah.

No.

I did it before once.

It was good.

Was it?

Oh, yeah.

What was it like?

Did you shoot it or snort it?

I snorted it.

No, sorry.

I snorted it, and then I smoked Black Tower heroin, and one time I shot it.

So three.

Wow.

What was the best one?

The shooting it?

Yeah.

That's why they do it.

That was majestic.

Was it?

Yeah, dude.

What's it like?

The most calming, wonderful.

God, this sounds like I'm promoting it.

Also with my voice, like it's the most calming, wonderful sensation you've ever had.

You're going to love it, kids.

It felt amazing.

Like every problem you've ever had is gone and you feel nothing but euphoria, which is different than like Oxy and some other stuff, which kind of just makes you feel, to me, loose and tired.

I mean, this makes you tired.

You're crashing out, but you're also getting a feeling that was really, really like warm and exciting.

Like I only smoked crack once on accident, and that was...

how do you do that on accident they put it in a joint right so we're sitting at my friend's back porch and he gives me firsties on the joint and I hit it and it had like a weird sizzle and I hit it I'm like this is the best pot I've ever had in my life and he's like yeah they gave me free crack and I was like oh good

So I'm now high on crack.

My other friends are pissed.

They go and throw the joint in a sewer and I'm just sitting there like, and it doesn't last very long, but it felt really fucking good.

Like I immediately would have done more crack had there been the option.

but it definitely takes you over very quickly.

Did you ever see the Hunter Biden thing recently?

We did this interview where he's talking about how great crack is.

Oh, yeah.

He's spot on.

It was the best ad for crack I've ever seen in my life.

And you only did like one hit, right?

I did once, and then I'm done.

Like, very rare.

Well, they threw it in the sewer.

Did you want to go get it?

Yes.

I wanted to go back to Weyburn where the street where we got it.

And I was like, we should go get more crack, guys.

I don't know if you didn't feel this, but it's.

I think you're probably the...

No, you're not the first person I've talked to that shot heroin, but you're the first person who described it.

Oh, it was...

My friend Jay had it, and it was in high school.

Yeah,

it had to be better to get people to shoot it up.

It was the only way it could be.

To get people to that kind of commitment, get a needle, find a vein, get a fucking rope, tie off your arm.

It was awful, that part.

Yeah.

And then it wasn't.

Did you do it with a guy?

Yeah.

So he'd done it before?

He did it for me.

Yeah.

Oh, good.

He died of a heroin overdose in his parents' kitchen.

Yeah, I know you wouldn't expect it.

What a shocker.

Found his head between

the fridge and the stove.

He got stuck?

I think he was either looking for something or collapsed right there.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, it wasn't good.

Nice guy.

I knew this dude in the 90s.

His name was Water Dog.

He was a professional pool player, like a really high-level professional pool player, and he was a heroin addict.

And he would go into the bathroom.

Like, I saw him play straight pool, which is this game where you're just running balls.

Like, it's called 14 and 1.

It's what they played in the hustler.

So, you have, instead of an eight ball where the ball's in the center,

you have a soft break where you're just trying to not scatter the balls very much.

And the idea is to eventually someone makes a mistake and you leave an open shot, and that person runs out that rack, leaves one ball on the table, makes that ball, and collides the cue ball into the rack, and opens up that rack, and then keeps going.

And a really good player can run like two, 300 balls.

Yeah.

So, this guy was playing for $10,000 in the 90s.

So, it was a lot of money.

I was broke, so I couldn't believe anybody could play pool for $10,000.

This guy goes into the bathroom, shoots up, comes out, and sits on this

bar stool like this.

Just sits there for like 20 minutes, man.

Just sat there.

And then we were all watching him.

Like his arms are all curled up like this.

And then he got off,

screwed his cue together, and never missed.

When I say never missed, I mean, it was the craziest display of pool I think I had ever seen at the time.

He played like the greatest pool player that's ever played.

He had no nerves.

He couldn't be rattled.

The guy he was playing, this guy George the Greek, who's this degenerate gambler, was a really good player, too.

He was screaming and yelling at him, this motherfucker, he can't play without the shit.

He's got to have that shit to play.

He didn't give a fuck.

He was listening to him yell.

He had eyeballs.

His pupils were like the size of quarters.

Yeah.

And he didn't miss.

He just was firing balls in with like perfect accuracy.

He got perfect position on every ball.

It was wild to watch.

He was just fully heroined up, just running out the table.

Like he saw it in advance.

He was looking at a math problem that was easy to solve.

And he's just basically slow Eddie and coming back and just knocking it all in.

But it's never been like a performance-enhancing drug.

But to that guy.

For nerves.

Yeah.

This is the thing.

I think if

you're playing for $10,000 and you're basically homeless, he was basically homeless.

I mean, he would sleep on people's couches.

Oh, yeah.

And so with a guy like that, you'd get a backer.

So a bunch of gamblers would come in and then they'd come up with the money and then they'd go in with you, and you'd get a cut of it.

So if you won, maybe you'd get 40%, and they get 60% because they put up all the money.

So it's a free shot at 40% of $10,000.

And for a guy like that, he's got no money.

He's staying in flop houses, and he always had the same shirt on,

like a throwaway sweater with a Christmas tree on it.

Like, he always looked like shit.

Yeah.

I watched him play some of the greatest pool I've ever seen played in my life.

That's incredible.

On this really tight-pocketed table, too.

The table was like a real trick table.

Table one at Executive Billiards in White Plains, New York.

It was a trick table.

Yeah.

It was like, you ought to be really good to play on that table.

And that's why George wanted to play him on that table because it was hard.

And he was used to it.

That was like his home turf.

He played on it all the time.

And this motherfucker never missed.

Heroined out of his mind.

He had no nerves.

George would like yell in his face.

He'd be like this.

Nothing.

Didn't feel a thing.

Didn't feel a thing.

Just never missed.

That's what it is.

There's no problem to you anymore.

There's no, it takes away every worry you have.

So I ran into him years later.

Okay.

There's a pool tournament in, so this is when I was probably 23.

I was living in New York, and then I moved to L.A.

And then I'm like 27, 28 now, and I'm playing in this tournament at Hard Times Billiards.

Hard Times was like the pool hall in the country back then.

Like all the world-class professionals, all the Filipinos, the best players in the world.

Sounds familiar, actually.

Crazy place.

It was an amazing place.

I used to love going there.

i'd play in the sunday tournament so i get down there and uh i see water dog i go hey man what are you doing out here because he's a connecticut guy he's from connecticut yeah and he's like uh i'm gonna play in the tournament but i don't have any money i go i'll put you in the tournament because like it's like i remember what it was like 50 bucks or something for this guy i'm like you might win this fucking thing he goes but i gotta go get my shit i go okay go get your shit he goes i need a ride i go where do you need to go and he's like south central i'm like i'm not driving you to South Central, LA, so you can score heroin.

He's out of your fucking mind.

It's like, don't worry.

It's just.

And he was like, dude, you won't get caught.

I was like, you can't say that.

I go, first of all, if you get caught, you know, they take your car.

And I had a nice car at the time.

I had a Toyota Supra.

I was pretty excited about it.

Yeah.

I was like, I'm not driving my brand new Toyota Supra to fucking

the crack house.

Right.

She was buying heroin.

This is crazy.

But they arrest people all the time doing that.

They take their cars.

That was like the scam.

They compound your car and then they auction it.

Right.

I was like, he's like, that won't happen.

I'm like, you fucking, what?

So

I go, look, I'll put you in the tournament if you want to play, but I'm not taking you.

I go, if you can get a cab there or something, go.

Right.

So he just did it straight and he couldn't make a ball.

He was.

Really?

Yeah.

He lost two matches in a row.

He was out.

Oh, damn.

Yeah.

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Did you bet it for him to win?

No.

No, I gave him like whatever the entry fee was for the tournament.

Oh, I got you.

Okay.

But, you know, I wasn't, you know.

You probably like

not today.

I don't think so.

Well, I was just like tired of him telling me to go to South Central to get heroin with him.

Well, yeah, and that's a good way to get carjacked on top of if it's just cops.

Yes.

I mean, that was very popular to do that.

A cute little white boy who's on TV.

Yeah, dude.

That's how they got cars.

Not only that,

I would actually be buying the heroin.

Oh, was this during Fear Factor?

No, this was during News Radio.

News Radio.

So I would be buying heroin because

I would have to pay for it because he didn't have any money, which is why he didn't have any money to get into the tournament.

So I would have to pipe, I would be buying heroin.

Yeah.

In South Central

from News Radio.

There was no TMZ back then, so it probably wouldn't have even made the news if I got arrested.

No one would have cared.

Yeah, I I guess that's true.

I don't know.

No one would have cared.

I was just thinking about it.

They just think it was Andy Dick and let it go.

But even Andy Dick wasn't getting in trouble back then.

Not really.

It wasn't making the news.

Our show wasn't popular enough that anybody cared.

And I was only one of eight people on the cast.

Right.

So I wasn't a star.

So I could go anywhere.

And every now and then, someone would go, hey, you're that guy from that show.

Hey, what's up?

Okay.

So it was pretty easy to get around back then.

Which is great if you're on an NBC show.

I mean, good or bad, but you're getting the money and you don't have to deal with all the shit.

Well,

it was really good preparation for what I have to deal with today.

Yeah.

Because it was like a slow trickle of fame to the point when you get really famous, like, oh, I know what this is.

This is a trick.

Right.

Like, don't, don't get sucked into the trick.

But back then,

you know, so if I got arrested, it probably would have just been, I would have probably had to do some time or something.

I probably would have had to like plea out or do community.

I probably would have explained what happened.

Maybe they listened to me.

I'd be like, please drug test test me.

I've never done heroin.

Yeah.

But even though you're still buying heroin, so it's still a felony.

Well, it was a time where they were more lax on all those laws, too.

I mean, not lax, but lax with penalties, I should say.

Yeah.

Because it wasn't as public.

Because, I mean, even like Robert Downey Jr., who I do greatly admire, actually, because I'm in recovery as well.

But even with him, it's like you had to go into your neighbor's house and fall asleep in a kid's race car bed.

And people were like, you know, maybe you should do a little time behind bars.

Yeah, well, he was a repeat offender.

And, you know, probably jail was a wake-up call for him.

I love that guy.

He's great.

I did too, too.

And it's become Iron Man.

So to watch that trajectory is absolutely astonishing.

It's amazing.

It's incredible.

I wish I could get him off that vegan diet, though.

Looks like he's fucking wasting away.

Yeah, that doesn't look good on anybody.

Not real.

No.

You're trying to be kind, but you're just supporting monocrop agriculture, which kills more animals than anything.

Yeah, I don't want my superheroes vegan.

Well, he's a nice guy.

That's what it is.

Nice people want to do kind things.

And sometimes you get roped into a shitty decision making.

You're getting all your protein from soy.

And they're like, why do I have tits?

Like, why am I lactating?

Why am I always crying?

I'm very emotional all the time.

And now they're banning lab-grown meat.

So, like, they can't even go to that.

Which I mean.

It's good, right?

I don't know.

I don't know enough about the dangers of lab-grown meat.

I don't know.

I ate a Beyond burger once because that's not lab-grown meat.

That's horse shit.

It was awful.

Those are terrible.

Yeah.

Those,

they're in trouble because those people, like their stockholders, all fucking went crazy because they thought they were going to make money off that.

They're like, this is it.

We made it.

It tastes just like a burger.

Everyone's going to love it.

Cruelty-free.

No, it gives rats cancer.

Oh, good.

You ever seen this study on these?

Because essentially, it's just, it's the most highly processed shit available.

Look, if you want to be be a vegetarian or a vegan or whatever, eat vegetables.

Eat organic vegetables.

That's healthy.

But when you want to pretend that something's a hamburger, it's a trans burger,

it has to go through a lot, just like a trans person has to go through.

You want to get a vagina?

Guess what?

You need...

general anesthesia.

And you have to have a guy who's going to cut your dick in half and use an apple core to make you a vagina.

And then you're going to have to take a rubber dick and keep it in there so it doesn't close up.

So you have to buy the tiling.

You're getting the patty that basically shoots up a school.

It's all just filled with nonsense.

It's bad for you.

Yeah.

It's all bad for you.

And

it's not even satisfying.

It's not good.

Like when my friend Duncan, you know Duncan, Duncan Trussell.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

He was living in North Carolina and he sent me a picture during the pandemic.

He was like, look, this is all that's available.

And all the meat had been gone and it was just Beyond Burgers.

That's all that was left.

Everybody had bought all the hamburger, all the steaks, all the chicken.

And it was just this fucking bullshit fake meat.

Well, yeah, because at the end of the day, you kind of have to know it's bullshit.

Well, I think in the beginning, like, didn't Kevin Hart have a

restaurant where he was just selling all vegan food?

People do it because they think they're being a good person.

That's what it is.

Sure.

I get it.

I get the sentiment behind it, but

just eat vegetables.

If you really want to go that route, just eat vegetables.

But guess what?

Don't go that route.

It's not good for you.

Well, no, we're not designed to do that.

No.

And I'm not saying I have the healthiest diet, obviously, but it's like, yeah, I like steaks.

I like meat.

Probably the only thing keeping you alive.

Probably the only thing I get.

Yeah.

I ate a lot of dyes.

I get a lot of migraines.

A lot of dyes.

A lot of that red 40 that they try to get rid of.

Yeah.

That was another hilarious thing when RFK Jr.

was saying that they had to get rid of the red dye 40.

And they're like, well, if we do, what will happen to our business?

Meanwhile, the same business is selling this same cereal to Canada without the dye because in Canada, it's illegal.

Right.

Oh, the amount of stuff that we looked at, like our entire breakfast as a kid was just cancer.

That's the only thing they advertised on TV.

Dye.

Just have a big sugary bowl of cancer and some toast with diabetes 2 waiting for you.

God.

Yeah, it was nuts to think the amount of of it, because I'm just the microwave generation.

Like, yeah, just throw that in the microwave.

We can just pour a bowl of this shit that lasts 45 years in the cupboard.

For us, it was TV dinners.

Yeah.

A frozen TV dinner.

You put it in the oven.

The next thing you know, you're eating Salisbury steak.

Yum, yum.

And those wonderful potatoes.

Yeah, those little fluffy potatoes that are in that little tin.

And occasionally the worst brownie you've ever had.

It's not a good brownie.

No.

I used to love those little TV dinners.

I used to think it was a treat when we ate TV dinners.

Oh, yeah.

That's how it was at my house.

There's no vitamins in that.

No, you never felt full.

You felt gross, but you never felt full.

It's just, you think of it.

I mean, even the food pyramid, I mean, how crazy is it that in the 20th century they had it totally wrong?

With all the access to books, all the information we had about health and nutrition, they were so wrong.

Even with the food at the bottom of was all the shit that gives you inflammation.

What?

Your foundation is this inflammation-causing bread.

Like what you need here is mostly wheat.

You have to make sure you get 18 servings a day of white bread.

With bromate in it.

You want to get a lot of that.

You want to get a lot of folic acid sprayed on it.

Enriched flour is better.

Yeah.

Here's sugar.

That's in there for some reason.

Two ounces of protein.

Make sure you grab that.

Two ounces of sugar, dog.

Everything.

Everybody had type 2 diabetes when I was a kid.

They just didn't know it.

Oh, yeah.

Well, everybody's getting it now.

It's still constant.

I know.

There's never been a time where poor people are so fat.

No, like, starving people are obese.

That's what's crazy.

Like, you can't get nutrition in your body, but you also have to sit down to get groceries in a cart.

Or to go to Disneyland.

Yeah, that's it.

Disneyland is the place you find them all.

Yeah, and it's like, why?

Because they get the carts for you.

They have carts set up there for you.

Because it's a lot of distance you got to cover.

You do, yeah.

A lot of parks.

I just don't see the enjoyment of a ride.

Any rides?

Well, I mean, not the ride you get get for free to go from ride to ride, but the actual ride.

No, I love rides myself, but if I weighed 400 pounds, I may not enjoy it or yeah, that would take a lot of the love out of it.

It would, wouldn't it?

It wouldn't fit in those situations.

Especially if you're with your kid and the bar comes down and that one has no protection.

Right.

The kid's fucked.

The kid's just going to pop right off the top because you're so fat.

Exactly.

Right.

Right?

There's like this much of a gap.

You've seen those people where the kids and the kid's like looking at his mom all nervous.

Yeah, like you should be fucking nervous.

You should be terrified.

I used to think that when I got on ski lifts, I'm like, this is crazy.

I never just let you sit on this thing way, way, way above the mountain.

Oh, and people would fall off all the time.

Yeah.

Because they think it would be funny to jump or whatever.

But it was always

bad.

Like, we didn't have mountains in Michigan, but we did have big enough hills.

Like, I went skiing.

We did a lot of skiing when we were real young.

And then I went down a, it was like a double black diamond, I think they're called.

Yeah, I was like, I got this.

and my ski got stuck in a soft mogul, and I just went down it on my face.

It looked like eight dudes beat the shit out of me.

Like, I was just like all scarred and bleeding, and then I just didn't ski much after that.

I got a concussion a few years back, and I stopped skiing.

I'm like, I'm done.

I got a concussion, and I got what's called an insufficiency fracture in my shin.

Some lady didn't know how to ski, and she slid into the trail, like sideways, like doing this thing.

And I had two choices, either destroy this lady or wipe out hard.

And I took the second choice and got up fucking, I banged my head off the ground.

Oh, shit.

It was bang.

I heard this, and I had a helmet on, but it was still.

The bang was loud, and I was dizzy for the rest.

I 100% got a concussion.

And I didn't feel right for the rest of the day.

And then I was like, I'm done.

This is not worth the thrill.

Everybody I know has a torn ACL from it, a concussion.

My grandpa died.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

I didn't know it's a manure to do.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, what do they they do, though?

They all have stories.

Well, yeah, they all have this, like, somebody knows a sunny bono who just like launched right into a tree of a mighty oak.

It's not worth it.

No, dude.

I just never enjoyed it that much.

And when I tried snowboarding, I'm like, I sucked at skateboarding and was a poser at that.

Why am I even attempting this?

Snowboarding, you're attached to that fucker, too.

At least in skis, the skis pop off.

Yeah, you can get away.

The board's coming with you when you fall.

I know a lot of people got knocked out snowboarding because the feet go up in the air.

You know, like if something happens, the feet go up in the air and you're head first.

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Dude, my son does it, and he's 10, and I let him, but he's pretty good at it, but I always get very nervous when he goes to do it.

But he's good with, I mean, he's a very good athlete.

The good thing is, little kids have less weight, and when they're falling, it's not as painful.

And then they're all flexible and pliable.

Dude, he broke his arm.

It was crazy, and he was better in like, it was like eight days.

It was like Wolverine.

It's like, how did you, how did you do this?

Like, I tore my, was it, meniscus ACL, blew off half my kneecap.

Oh, boy.

And yeah, I was making fun of my friend, and then he tackled me, and we were on a linoleum floor with keg beer.

Oh, no.

So instead of...

Instead of going to the hospital when it was in a lot of pain, I'm like, I'll just wait till the morning.

And I had my friends carry me around this party.

And then the next morning, I'm like, yeah, this isn't moving at all.

So my friend Jimmy drove me to the hospital and dude, it was like out of a like sitcom.

Like doctors opened up a door into my leg.

He wheeled me into a drinking fountain on accident.

Like I broke my leg more just trying to get into the hospital.

And then by the time I got to in for them to do the surgery, they're like, what happened?

I couldn't be like, oh, I was drunk at my friend's house.

You know, I was like, oh, I slipped on ice.

It was winter.

I was walking to my car.

And they're like, this is a lot of damage for just slipping on ice because I just twisted it it all night.

And I should have known.

I mean, my foot was like behind me

when I did it.

Like, my knee just is.

So, I have rods in my right knee.

So, I just

really have rods to keep it together?

Three, yeah.

Wow.

It was that bad.

Yeah.

Like, you can hear it pop sometimes when I walk.

It's pretty nice.

Does it hurt?

Uh, sometimes, but not as bad as you think it would.

If I'm like doing a treadmill for a long time, or if I do something where we're just outside, like, because I'll go hiking or whatever, so my wife likes it.

So, we'll do that, but I like it, that'll hurt after maybe a couple miles, but not like a severe pain.

Which is annoying.

Yeah.

That's fine.

Yeah.

And you can, like, weather messes with it in the sense, but nothing crazy.

Do they, is there an option to take those rods out?

Because I know a lot of them, they put them in there so that the bones heal correctly, right?

Yeah.

There might be.

I mean, it's been 25 years.

I'm sure there's been advancements in it, and I just don't bring it up.

I bet your bones are just grown around it now.

I'm sure it's destroyed.

They're probably like, why didn't you come in?

I'd be like, you didn't bring it up either.

Yeah, I know a guy who broke his arm and the screws from the plate that kept his arm together were popping through his skin.

So he had another operation.

They opened up his arm again and took the plate out because the arm had healed, like the bones had fused, but then the plates and the screws started backing out.

That's through his skin.

They're poking through his skin.

That's what happened to my son, and it sucked because he was like six, and him and his friend were hanging out at his friend's house, and they had like a slide that was eight feet in the air and they both decided to jump off of it oh god and he landed funny and he's a little kid so i was at my friend's mom's funeral i like rushed back to get him it's the worst thing in the world when it's your kid it's just the worst

but yeah we made sure like he got the screws out he got the right like everything went fine but the way that makes you heel so dude he it was honestly like he they cut the cast off like two weeks before they were supposed to because he's like i can go like this i'm like that's amazing because i remember I would like go to bars still, and I was still underage, but I was still going to bars with like a cast on.

Oh, boy.

Like a full-blown knee brace.

And I, you know, I'm wearing like track suits and like I had chains and earrings.

I was that kid.

So I just, I'm like, just like a raver stoner.

And I'm just walking around with my crutches.

That's hilarious.

How long did it take before you could walk again?

Properly?

About six months.

Now,

every now and then I do walk with a limp because it just kind of goes out.

Does your friend still feel embarrassed by this?

No, I don't.

No, it's one of those guys you've known for so long.

He didn't care then.

And I was saying stuff to him that kind of I deserved it.

So, like, I mean, he...

He felt really bad.

I shouldn't say that.

But no, it's not anything.

The girl who owned the house went nuts and she was so hot.

And I always had a crush on her.

And she's like, your family's going to sue me.

I'm like, my family's not going to sue any.

They don't sue people, but we're not going to sue you.

And like, my, I think my dad had passed at that point.

And she's like, so freaking out because she would have these wild Christmas parties every year where it happened.

Oh, boy.

And that ended the wild Christmas parties.

And she's like, yeah, you never sued.

I'm like, yeah, why would I sue?

Because I'm stupid.

Like, it was my fault.

And then I just went out and said, yeah, I fell on ice.

Isn't that a gross thing that people would just sue?

If they did something stupid in your house, they would sue you.

Dude, I've never, never.

Like, I can understand points where people have.

It's just such a scammer mentality.

It's a shit thing to do to anybody.

It's like somebody who like slips delivering a package or any of that stuff that's possible.

There was a lady that was,

when my kids were younger, there was this lady that was a single mom, and

her daughter was playing with my daughter, and, you know, they'd come over to the house, and she went out to another person's house, and,

you know, like they'd have play dates like kids do, and she wasn't there.

So she comes to pick up her daughter, and they have a dog and the dog is a very friendly dog and the dog you know it jumps up to like you know dogs do that of course and scraped her with its claws just scraped her with its claws she sued the family for fifty thousand dollars and one and they they just settled they settled because the dog they they were informed listen legal fees is going to be probably a hundred thousand dollars she wants fifty thousand dollars so this fucking asshole All a dog did, dog nails, just scratched her a little bit.

Not even like bleeding, nothing crazy just normal oh your dog's crazy like where you and i would be like what a cute dog right she was like ooh opportunity to sue this family that's wealthy especially the fact that that's just what they do there's and it's yeah i remember when we were young there were two pit bulls that were at this house behind a camp we were at and this one kid was always throwing rocks at them And we were like, you shouldn't do that because we like the dogs.

And the camp had its own golden retriever.

And it was fine with the pit, but they'd run on the fences and stuff.

So that's when i first even started getting used to dogs when i was young because i've always liked dogs and i have too and i've had tons

but i remember that the pit bull once the kid stuck his finger through the fence took off these two parts these two tops of his finger

and like they sued they put the dog down and we were like he's been chucking rocks at those things all summer like he's been antagonizing these animals all summer and i mean it sucks that it happens but it's like it sucks that your kid's stupid too yeah it sucks that he was told not to do it a bunch of times, and then there was a consequence to this shitty action.

Also, how did you raise a kid that's throwing rocks at dogs?

Like, what's what kind of a kid would throw rocks at a dog?

It's like the first thing you find that has unconditional love for you.

It's the first thing that, like, you trust in a different way than a human.

Did he have dogs?

There's no way he did.

I don't remember him well.

I remember the

blood and the screaming, but I don't remember.

I don't remember much about him other than that.

The weird handshakes afterwards.

Yeah.

Yeah, I knew his penmanship wasn't very good after old stubs.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, but he deserved.

Sipples are tricky dogs, though.

My brother's had ones where,

yeah,

he's rescued a couple, and I've had friends who have saved them in Detroit from fights where, because they would throw them in a back alley, the losers, and sometimes my friends would take them and get them sewn up and keep them.

But those dogs specifically would kind of only be left

alone for the owner.

Like my friend would keep it just for him, like locked up.

Well, they're usually fine with people.

The real issue with pit bulls is dogs and children.

They think of children as animals.

They don't know that a child is a person.

At least it seems like they don't because they attack kids.

Well, and children don't know dogs are animals sometimes.

And that's kind of how I treat with my kids.

Like you have to understand that.

You know, like when you're rough housing or whatever, like there's a, you got to be real careful because it she may not necessarily know what you're doing, you know, and he learned that at a young age and dogs love him, but a lot of times kids can be really, really rough with dogs.

Yeah, they can be, sure.

Especially if they don't grow up with them, they don't know, they're not taught.

But

the thing is, like, if you have a sweet dog, like I have a golden retriever, and if my kids thought all dogs were like my dog, and then they went up to another dog and grabbed his face, that dog might bite your fucking face off.

Yeah, and goldens are the best.

They're just designed to be the sweetest animals on the planet.

He's the nicest dog of all time.

The best pet ever.

He's just the homie.

You come home, he's like, hello.

He wags his head.

He always has to greet you with a toy.

Like, as soon as I come in the house, he grabs one of his toys and runs up to you with a toy.

Dude, it's the nicest feeling in the world.

Yeah, they're the sweetest dogs.

He cuddles with me when I watch TV.

He climbs up, like, literally, like, lies in my lap.

You know, he's 75 pounds.

He puts his fucking head on my chest.

And he just likes to be pet while I'm watching TV.

Yeah, they just want to be with you.

Yeah.

It's the nicest thing.

And I, you know, I had a Rottweiler, then people are afraid of those, but she was the sweetest dog.

It's a lot of it is how you treat them.

Yeah.

But it's also the breed.

It's also the

bloodline.

Like if you get a game-bred pit bull and you expect it to be cool with other dogs, you're out of your fucking mind.

That dog is designed to fight dogs.

Yes.

You know, but if you get a good dog and you train him well and teach them, and you know, it takes a lot of responsibility.

You know, like people that run out and get like a German shepherd or a Belgian Malamois and and think they're first in the yard.

Like, you know,

you just literally got like an elite super athlete

for a pet.

You know, and you're just thinking you're just going to leave in the yard and occasionally throw the ball to it.

Get the fuck out of here.

You never walk it, so it's got a bunch of pent-up anger and energy.

Exactly.

Good for you.

It's like a high school kid that's been left in a confined space.

Yeah.

See how it works when he comes out.

Yeah.

Into the real world.

Bring him to a dog park.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Did you see that video of the dog parks?

Some of them?

What video?

There was one video where a guy,

his dog is attacking one dog, and some dude runs up out of nowhere and just shoves his finger in one dog's ass.

Oh, that works.

Yeah, it did, but it was still the most ridiculous thing.

Like, this guy just runs in like he thinks he's Superman.

He's like, I've got it.

And just starts.

Well, if a dog has a lock on another dog, that's one of the only ways to let him go.

Is it?

Yes, it works.

I hear it works.

I've never done it.

But only to do it.

Yeah, I've never tried it myself.

hoses work.

When dogs would fight with each other, you could hose them.

And a lot of times they'll let go.

Yeah.

They just freak out.

You're getting hit in the face with a jet of water.

Yeah, that will do it.

But, you know,

the really fucked up thing is that people bred dogs for fighting, and they like to fight.

When they fight, they wag their tails.

Yeah, they're having fun.

That's what's crazy.

Yeah.

You watch them literally chewing each other's faces off and they're wagging their tails.

Well, I had a border collie at the same time as a Rottweiler, and they were both both pretty,

you know, they both enjoyed fighting each other.

Fun.

But I'd always play fighting.

Yeah.

And you'd always just watch for the tail waggling because they'd be flipping each other over.

Right.

Like when we first got the rot, we went to a dog park because they were like newer to us in Michigan.

And this one dog just kept coming up that was bigger than my rot, but kept kind of like messing with her.

Yeah.

And then finally, my rot grabbed her by the neck.

and flipped this dog over and was just like pinning it with her mouth and then the dog gave up and was showing its belly.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

I'm like, are we going to leave the dog park now?

You know, like people were like freaking out and screaming.

Yeah.

But the dog kept like coming up and like nipping my dog until my dog finally just like attacked back real quick.

Yeah, which is what dogs do.

They have to establish dominance.

That's what she did.

I was at a dog park once and somebody brought a wolf.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

It was the wildest thing.

You brought a wolf?

All the dogs immediately knew it wasn't a dog.

Well, yeah.

Some guy had one of those 7-8 timber wolf dogs, you know, because you can get them dogs where they're not really dogs.

It's a wolf.

And this thing just walked in, and every dog was like, that's not a fucking dog.

They all scattered.

It was wild to watch.

It was big, too, man.

It was really big.

It was like 100-plus pounds.

And just big fucking mouth, big long mouth.

And it just looked like a wolf.

And every dog knew it wasn't a dog.

Were they just all backing in the corner?

Yeah, because wolves eat dogs.

Oh, yeah, they do.

They knew.

Yeah.

They fucking, there was a thing like the smell, the look, whatever.

No dog was sizing up with it at all.

No.

Every dog just ran away.

It was weird.

Well, they have that instinct.

And that thing is like what dogs...

Like, that's like if a caveman walked in.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Like, that's the original OG of what we're supposed to do.

Right, right, right.

This is not a wolf.

Oh, yeah.

I've seen this video.

This video is wild.

So there's all these dogs are fighting.

Okay.

And check out this one dog walks in and he's the fucking boss.

And he's this dog.

Look, all the other dogs back the fuck away from him.

Look, they all back away.

This one dog, and he gets on that dog.

Like, look what happens.

Oh, dude, every one of them just acts right.

It's like John Wick of dogs.

Look at this.

The dog just lays down and he just gets on top of them.

I once saw this dog kill one of us with a pencil.

I have no idea what kind of dog that is.

I don't know either.

The black one?

It's got to be the white one.

The one that's dominant.

That one right there.

I mean, oh, the black one was cowering.

I was looking at the wrong dog.

I was a little bit of course though, I believe.

Well, why don't you take a photo of that dog and run it through Google image?

The dog looks like Benji.

Like they probably just.

That's what's crazy.

Yeah, like it's probably just they knew it had a hard life.

My friend has a dog like that that's a small, it's a darker, like a gray and brown dog.

And he takes it pig hunting.

And it's the most savage fucking dog I've ever seen in my life.

And it looks like that?

Yes.

This dog just chases pigs.

It's crazy.

And pigs are tough.

Oh, yeah, but this dog is just nuts, man.

Dude, that's fucking.

What kind of dog is that?

Come on, ChatGPT.

A mixed breed or a mutt.

Based on appearance, shaggy, wiry coat, body structure.

How crazy is AI?

A wolfhound or terrier mixes.

Large size and sturdy build might also suggest some Central Asian shepherd or Kangal ancestry, especially if the dog is used as a livestock guardian.

However, without a clearer look and more context like the dog's size, weight, or behavior, it's difficult to definitively identify the breed.

It's likely a mix of working or guardian breeds common in rural or semi-rural areas.

Yeah, that thing they just knew had it tough.

Yeah.

Because it just came in and didn't give a fuck.

It's not even a big dog.

That's what's crazy.

Like, yo, but that was kind of what it was like when that wolf showed up at the dog park.

All the other dogs were just like, what in the holy fuck is this?

Was it you?

I think you were talking about it.

Maybe it was, I don't know, but it's about a guy who trains wolves.

And he was saying...

I've had people on that work with wolves.

You can't really train wolves.

Yeah, like, but I think it was like the movie The Gray, you know, like

taken with wolves or whatever.

And like, he said during it that he has to fall down as the stuntman or whatever.

So the second he gets home, one of the wolves is going to try to take his spot on top.

So you got to like grab the wolf and hold it up in the air.

And like, that's that's like the main thing to do to get it to stop.

But like every night he just has to prepare himself for fighting a wolf when he gets home.

Oh Jesus.

Which is crazy.

That's so stupid.

But I mean they all just they're they're pack animals.

Yeah, so as soon as you leave

they take the dominant spot.

Yeah you have a good day of filming and there's just this wolf looking at you the whole car ride home seeing if he's gonna take like your shit once you get home.

I knew a dude who had three of those three of those wolf dogs and he was a piece of shit.

And they got out of his yard and killed the neighbor's sheep, and he lied about it.

He's like, No, what's my dog?

When's my dog?

Killed like eight sheep, dude.

Yeah, it's yours.

Because they just killed for fun.

Yeah.

Like, oh, there's just sheep that just would commit suicide?

What kill?

Mountain lion?

What did this?

Well, there's coyotes and stuff.

Well,

no, no, no.

That kind of damage.

Coyote would have a hard time taking out a sheep.

It would take a long time.

Yeah.

But they grabbed small dogs.

Oh, yeah.

But before COVID, we like in Detroit and like the suburbs, we never had coyotes, like it seemed, like any of that stuff.

And then after, you see them all the time.

Like I would walk out and there'd just be like a deer in my front lawn.

I'm like, this is bizarre in this part.

And then yeah, now you have ones that like hop fences and grab small dogs and jump away.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're everywhere now.

They're in all 50 states and then they're in every major city.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah, they're a wild animal.

I mean, a really interesting animal, I should say.

Obviously, they're wild.

Because when I first saw them, they'd be crossing the street at night.

I'd be coming back from a gig, and I'm like, is that a dog?

Should I stop?

And then it's clearly just a coyote.

Yeah.

And I had never seen them up close like that ever.

They're in Central Park.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I used to walk by there all the time.

That looks like what it is.

That looks similar.

A Bosnian Barak.

A Bosnian

broken-haired hound called Barak.

Yeah, it looks similar.

Fights bears?

Yeah, too.

That makes sense.

That makes sense.

Yeah, that would be it.

That would make sense why all those dogs like this motherfucker's not playing dude he takes down grizzlies

he is not playing large games she is

a scent hound

yeah that's what my friend's dog looks like and it's a little dog and it's a girl and she's fucking ferocious and just has yeah dude a pig and a bear

Yeah, pigs are like wild pigs are some of the most ferocious sounding animals.

I remember the first time I ever went hunting pigs, we were going down this dirt road and to the right of us was like heavily wooded, like high grass, and they were in the grass near us.

And then they started fighting and it sounded like demons, like orcs.

They were just going to war, like maybe 10, 15 feet from us.

We couldn't see them because of the tall grass.

Like the sound was nuts.

Like this sound is insane.

Where do you hunt them?

This was in California.

Okay.

California, where,

oddly enough, they think most of them came from William Randolph Hearst's estate.

Because William Randolph Hearst, the same piece of shit that

Orson Welles covered in the movie Rosebud, the same reason why marijuana became illegal, that guy.

William Randolph Hearst had an enormous estate, and he had wild boars out there on his estate, and of course they got free.

And now Central California, all that area is like San Jose, they have a giant problem with them.

Really?

Yeah, they like show up on people's lawns and tear their lawns apart and you wake up in the middle of the night there's 10 wild pigs on your fucking front lawn holy shit yeah they attack animals though oh yeah they kill people really yeah so one one old lady got killed by wild pigs what a way to go i know

fucking dirty filthy demons tearing your face off

not that it's funny but i mean you just don't expect it kind of funny you know but yeah they're all how did grandma go you're like oh she was torn to death by pigs wild ones, in her suburb.

With this place that I was at.

Cal-e sac.

They, you know, they hunt them a lot, and that's what we're doing.

They taste good.

Yeah, I would imagine.

I mean, it is pork.

Yeah, it's a different kind of pork.

It's like a darker meat.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

I've never had that.

Yeah, because

they're not eating just grain.

They're eating whatever the fuck they find and a lot of acorns.

That was a lot of it.

They had a lot of fat on them.

That's from acorns.

They were delicious.

What do you hunt them with?

That time it was a rifle, but I bow hunted them too.

I was wondering if you did, yeah.

Yeah, I bow hunted pigs.

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The thing is, like, if you're bow hunting pigs and you're shooting a wild boar, like a big boar, you probably should have a backup.

Probably should have a pistol.

In case it comes at you.

And you should probably have one in the chamber.

So as it's running at you, you can just say, da-da-da-da-da.

You're going to have to.

It'll charge you.

Happens all the time.

So it's kind of...

Because bears are like that, aren't they?

Like, if you shoot one in the heart, it'll go 100 hundred yards?

Some bears.

Okay.

If you shoot them in the heart, I doubt they're going to go a hundred yards, but they might be able to because they can go a hundred yards pretty fast.

Just on dream on adrenaline.

Yeah.

But

yeah, bears are going to say adrenochrome.

If you hit a bear, like there is a distance between you and them where it's like a fight or flight distance, where they're too close where they think that you'll attack them.

And so then you're in trouble.

But if they're far enough away where they think, oh, this guy's not going to chase me, and you can scare them off, that can happen.

Bears are tricky.

Yeah, I've never,

well, we had one bear.

I mean, it wasn't hunting us.

We were just up in, what do you call them, the Smokies?

Uh-huh.

And it was just a vacation, and it says, don't throw food off the balcony.

So, of course, the first thing my son does is throw a hamburger.

And then all we can hear is the woods start moving.

And we look down, and I'm like, there's a bear.

And it's, I didn't know they climb.

Oh.

So the thing starts climbing up the side of the house and eventually we just kind of made enough noise or something that it went back into the woods.

But I'm like looking around like, we have a gun, right?

And I was like, I think we have one.

Like, oh, that's good because there's a bear climbing up the fucking house, dude.

It was terrifying.

Yeah, if you have food left out, if you have garbage left out, once they've established that that's a place where they get food, they keep coming back.

That's what I was, yeah.

And the first thing he did was just chuck a hamburger out to feed the animals.

And I'm like, buddy, I told you, he's like four or five at the time.

And then like a couple minutes later, bear.

Do you know the state that has the most bears per capita in the country?

No.

New Jersey.

Is it really?

Yeah.

New Jersey has a crazy bear problem.

I did not know that at all.

So the governor of New Jersey ran on a platform of stopping the bear hunt.

Because people hunt bears in New Jersey.

Because people think of New Jersey.

Well, you think of these high-density areas like Hoboken, Hackensack.

Atlantic City.

That's not New Jersey.

No.

New Jersey's mostly rural.

And then you have those actual like mountains.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, a kid got killed out by Rutgers.

A bear ate him.

Yeah.

Rutgers University student went for a hike.

Got taken out.

And bears became such a problem that the same governor who ran on the stopping the bear hunt and did stop the bear hunt when you got in office, the population boomed boomed so badly without hunters that he reinstated the bear hunt.

Oh, did he?

Yeah, he had to.

The interactions between humans and bears were going through the roof.

I was really hoping that story ended with he got eaten by bears, because that would be just the perfect irony.

Well, he probably had an encounter.

A lot of people that live anywhere near them have encounters.

Like, there's a video of Far Rockaway, New Jersey.

We played it many times on this podcast, but we'll play it again just for you.

Okay.

But there's these fucking bears.

They look like four or 500-pound bears, and they're fighting in the middle of a suburb.

And they're essentially, they're going to war for garbage.

So, like, you know, they claim either that or maybe one of the females is in heat.

But there's these two fucking huge bears, and they're falling downstairs, and they're out in the street.

And the people are filming them from their car.

I mean, these are big bears, man.

Are they brown bears?

Black bears?

They're all black bears in the United States until you get into the upper northwest.

And then you see more of the grizzies.

You only get grizzlies in like I so look at these bears holy shit yeah bro fucking normal house suburbs couple bears look on the real estate sign out there

the size of these fuckers dude they knocked over the sign there whatever that was that was a light I guess look the electrical cords

yeah bro they it spills out into the street these guys go to war for like 10 fucking minutes how long is this video six minute video Look at this.

They get out the show when they're out in the street.

So people are filming them.

These fuckers tumble down the side of the hill.

They're still duking it out.

I've seen them come down the street and

in the same place.

Size of these guys, man.

Dude.

Look at that.

Right by the mailbox.

Look at all the hair.

Oh, yeah.

They're pulling each other's hand out.

And that's crazy.

Well, dude, that's just because they're claws on accident.

Size of these fuckers.

Imagine that goes across your face.

Oh, dude.

You're so dead.

Those are big bears, too, man.

Dude, that guy's so nervous about his Volvo.

It's like, come on, don't go near it, guys.

These people are so used to it.

These people who live in this area.

Yeah, you're right.

A dude in a car just was like, all right, we got to wait for it to fall into the shrubs, and then I'm going to gun it.

Hear those noises they make.

Imagine your little kids walking home from school.

You see two bears.

And see two fucking huge bears and this is New Jersey.

Yeah.

Far away.

Look, hear the cars?

yeah yeah look cars driving by oh hi guys

I'm gonna go get a sandwich yeah you know we have bears now yeah far rock away holy

yeah dude yeah that's does not have the most black bears per capita well I thought it did I kept googling it it's like not even popping up in the top five or six I would imagine for a statement

makes its high bear population a significant concern for residents particularly in the states dude Ted Nuget told me that I think these people are wrong the state's forest northwestern regions have one of the highest concentrations of black bears in the nation with approximately 3,000 bears.

Dude, if Ted Nugent told you that, I think he's right.

Yeah.

The guy knows a thing or two.

High population density, concentration in the northwest, increased sightings.

The other problem is they really don't have an accurate number.

Right.

Because in heavily wooded areas, when you want to do a census on animals, you're sending out wildlife biologists and they just have to count them.

And there's no way they can really count them correctly because you're dealing with dense woods.

And black bears are particularly difficult to find in the woods.

Their sense of smell is insane.

Their hearing is insane.

And when they hear people, they just get the fuck out of there.

Yeah, like in Michigan, you've seen them.

Like they come down because, you know, we're up by the Upper Peninsula and they'll come, you know, Canada and all that stuff.

But

you do see them on occasion, but I guess they are becoming more and more, like, they're moving more and more south towards the cities now.

Of course, because nobody's hunting them.

Yeah.

Which I think we should.

Yeah, you have to hunt them.

Yeah.

I mean, it's why you control the deer population.

Yeah.

It's like that's what people have always known.

And, you know, somehow or another, liberals lost their minds and thought it was a bad idea to control predators.

Yeah, massive, huge predators.

Right.

And it's like you realize that, like, let's just say the deer is alone.

If you don't control it, you're going to just have people smashing into them with their cars on the bottom.

Not only that, they're made out of food.

Right.

For you to eat.

You can go eat them.

Deers are delicious.

And if you've ever been in front of one with horns,

like I was in the Rockies.

My friend was all high.

He gets out of the cars like 20 years ago.

And there's like, I don't know, it wasn't, maybe it was a deer, but like an elk or something.

Probably ought to be an elk.

Yeah.

Was it big?

Yeah, really big.

And he gets out like, he's like, I'm going to stand by and take a picture.

I'm like, I don't think you should do that.

And even then, I'm like, terrible idea.

And the thing just lowers its horns at him.

And I'm like, dude, get back to the car.

And we're like in a Jeep gunning it away from this thing chasing us.

There's a guy that is in his car and he's talking shit to this elk that's in the street in Yellowstone.

And it fucking jabs his tires and takes his tire out.

It doesn't even know what's going on.

It's like, fuck.

You hear

because it punctures his tire.

Dude,

it just took him out the way a cops would.

It's a legal trip.

And then it's got horns just getting ready to take you out.

It just stabbed his tire.

Think you want to step outside now?

The scariest ones are moose.

If you ever.

What's that?

You have the video of him taking out his car?

Yeah.

What's this?

Oh, boy.

Look at the size of that fucker.

Woo.

Dude, you have a tree growing out of your head.

A sharpened tree.

Yeah.

Is it looking for the tire?

I don't know if this is the one that cut the tire.

The other one was coming from the other side.

It was coming from the driver's side, and the driver was talking shit to it.

But you get the point.

I like that the driver was mocking an animal.

But the real dangerous ones are moose.

Yeah.

Because moose will actually stomp you.

They will go after you.

There's a lot of videos of people who think they're majestic and they're like eight feet away from them.

And it's like, it's not Bullwinkle.

It's an animal in the and then the next thing you hear is how they were killed.

Yeah, it's not just that.

It's an animal that's like really good at stomping at.

Oh Oh boy.

Does this guy get attacked?

I don't know.

It's just

sometimes you just don't.

Dude, if I get an arrow,

you really got to not miss.

Yeah.

Well, this is rough too because he's coming straight at you, and so you don't have a really good shot at his vitals.

So you have to take the most risky shot, which is

you're taking a frontal.

So what you're essentially, you have a very small area you're targeting, which is like the end of his beard.

So his hair comes down.

Like you want to get it right here.

So what you're trying to do is shoot this arrow through basically like a softball-size hole, maybe a little larger than a softball-size hole, and it'll go straight through, slice through the heart, the lungs, everything.

It's the most deadly shot if you could land it.

Right.

But you got a...

1800-pound animal.

Coming at you.

You're shaking.

It's huge.

You're right in front of it.

It's 30 yards.

You're not sure that you could hit that spot because your arms are shaking.

You're filled with adrenaline.

And you have to go for a softball-sized spot on that thing.

You really want it to be standing sideways, but it's not standing sideways because it's moving towards you in an offensive way.

You should probably just get the fuck out of there.

Yeah, I would leave immediately.

Or get around a tree.

You want to get where a tree is so you can stand behind the tree.

And at least you can kind of maneuver a little bit.

Is their sight poor?

Oh, yeah, they don't have a good sight.

So that's kind of like the better way is to kind of come out.

They're kind of dumb.

Yeah.

Because they're so big, they don't have to be smart.

Yeah.

You know, and they don't they don't have herds.

They're not like you don't see herds of moose.

You see a bull moose, they're generally by themselves, or maybe with one or two other ones.

Okay.

See, I did not know that.

And then they come in, and when they come in, they're looking for pussy.

Eyes that this one's staring at.

Oh, that's you have a moose fucking you in the ass.

Yeah.

Staring right at you, dog.

Oh, dude.

End with those eyes.

And he's full of eyes.

You also, you better have a fucking powerful bow.

You got to get into that rib cage.

Those ribs are thick as shit so that spot is underneath that like beard and all that stuff that he's got right there it's right like all but if you hit an animal there they die so quick really see google

um frontal shot kill on elk there's a famous video of these kids bow hunting and this elk comes in and it gives this kid a frontal shot and he takes it at like 20 yards and the elk just stands there and then blood starts spraying out of it and it just tips over really like right where it stands stands.

It's nuts.

It's the most lethal shot if you land it correctly.

But it's it's I've never taken it.

It's a tricky shot.

Like my friend Cam Haynes, probably best bow hunter in the world.

Okay.

He's taking frontal shots, but the last time he took one, it was like at 10 yards.

Is that guy out here?

This isn't it.

This is uh this is not a frontal.

These are just Bills fighting.

Um Google

this is an elk.

Oh, insane frontal shot.

Okay.

All right.

So here we go.

This isn't the one.

Well, nothing came up when I checked the thing you just said.

So that's it.

He got it right there.

So see how it sprays?

That was a perfect shot.

Oh.

Perfect shot.

He got it right.

If you watch where the impact is.

Oh, that's Corey Jacobson.

Watch where the impact of the arrow is.

It's right at the bottom of the beard.

See where it is?

Like right at the bottom.

That's perfect.

It's a perfect shot.

So that goes into the body cavity, severs all the arteries.

Gotcha.

That bull's dead in seconds.

But this animal seems kind of like...

That's a prey.

That's crazy.

Yeah, it doesn't seem as aggressive, though, as that moose.

No, no, no, no, no.

They're not aggressive.

They're looking for other elk.

He's looking for love.

Yeah.

That's what he's looking for.

Looking for love or a fight.

Okay.

Yeah.

Because the moose looks like he just wants to kill the guy in the video.

Or at least

attack him, right?

No, they'll kill you.

They will kill you.

I mean, I'm sure elk have killed people before, but they don't want to.

A moose would chase you.

Yeah.

A moose would chase you and stomp stomp you, especially a female moose that has her babies.

That's not good.

You better stay the fuck away from her.

Dude, yeah, no.

They will stomp you out of it.

My buddy was chased on horseback.

He barely got away from a cow moose.

Seriously going after him?

Yeah, going after him because it had calves with him, with her.

Yeah.

And she was protecting her calves, and he was on a horse.

And she looks at that horse like, that might be an animal that wants to stomp my babies.

And so she, full clip, chased after him.

He's like, I barely got away.

Where was this at?

Edmonton.

Oh, was it Edmonton?

No, BC.

Okay, yeah.

BC.

That makes sense.

Yeah, that's crazy.

I don't know.

I would be terrified if I had to try to make that shot at a moose coming at me that size.

It's a sketchy shot.

Capacity.

It's a sketchy shot.

And it depends on what kind of broadhead you have, too.

Can you do it with a gun?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Oh, with a gun, you could shoot him anywhere.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

With a gun, you just...

You go through the shoulders.

I just didn't know if it was like maybe arrow length or the reason it sticks in or something, maybe.

No, no, no, no, no.

You could definitely do that with a gun.

The thing about an arrow is you only have so much energy

from a bow.

So if like you hit one of those big shoulder bones, like you're fucked.

It's not going to kill the animal.

You're probably barely going to feel it.

So you have to be behind the shoulder.

And then you, you know, if you don't have enough power, if you center punch a rib, probably not going to get a lot of penetration.

So you have to have a really powerful bow.

And a lot of guys stay away from mechanical broadheads.

They want like a really solid fixed blade broadhead.

It's a tricky kind of bow hunting.

Yeah, that's cool, though.

You're bow hunting something that can kill you.

Yeah, which is

that's game.

I mean, that's an exciting thing.

That's why people like bear hunting.

Unless you're the Grizzlyman guy who just does one of my favorite movies ever.

I'm convinced

Werner Herzog made that movie as a comedy.

Oh, I think he did, too.

Yeah.

I'm surprised.

Like, he says the ending is not the real footage.

No,

there's no actual audio footage of that guy that's available.

If you listen online, footage that says it is, it's not real.

You can kind of tell they're acting.

He told the lady to destroy the actual audio.

That's what I heard, yeah.

The lens cover was on the camera, but there is audio, and it's a long audio because bears don't kill you.

They just start eating.

Right.

Yeah.

They just hold you down and eat you until you die.

Which is apparent to that guy who was going around elementary schools telling people how bears aren't dangerous.

Yeah, that fucking guy.

And then they're like, it's hibernation season.

You should go.

And he's like, no, but I got peanut and sprinkles and cocoa.

And they all love me.

He had all these little names for him.

It was suicide by bear.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you can't just hang out there with.

It was.

That whole movie is just.

They said, like, I love when they're like,

they think the bear, like, the bears just thought he was basically retarded meat.

Remember when the sheriff said that?

Yeah.

Well, I thought he was retarded.

Yeah, I think

just the way the film is made.

There's too many times where someone says something ridiculous and there's a smash cut.

I'm like, this guy's doing this on purpose.

He wants you to laugh.

It's funny.

It's got to be because he's slapping a bear on the nose and he's like, no, Skittles.

And then just turning around and doing the interview.

And you're just waiting for him to die, basically.

I have to be a warrior.

I have to.

I have to let them know.

I stand my ground.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you, bears.

I'm a warrior.

I'm just going to put my tent in here.

This is going to be what you'll consider a plate, and I'm just going to hang out.

It's a burrito.

There's meat inside.

His girlfriend got killed too, which is really sad.

I'm surprised that, yeah, she had a girlfriend.

One, he had one.

And two, she was like...

She's probably surprised too.

Yeah.

Is this guy going to fuck me?

Yeah, like

I'm sure he didn't fuck her.

He didn't seem like that kind of guy.

He definitely had her killed.

He definitely seemed gay.

It seemed like that was part of his dilemma.

Like, he wanted to be an actor, and that didn't work out for him.

So he started getting notoriety by being a bear expert.

Right.

But he wasn't really a bear expert.

No, he was just an idiot who would go into the forest and we are protecting these bears.

Get really lucky.

Forest service won't protect him, you motherfuckers.

I'm protecting these bears.

You leave them alone.

But that dude got some amazing footage.

I'll tell you that.

His footage was fucking incredible because he was living with them.

Yeah.

So he got footage that nobody else was getting, like high-resolution, close-up footage of bear fights.

He became really good friends with a fox.

Yeah.

Foxes are fucking adorable.

They're like dogs, man.

Yeah.

They are the closest thing to do.

Like, playful.

They play with you.

They stole his hat.

Like,

they would come hang out with him.

He could scratch their head.

Well, a lot of the people who find baby foxes and then just kind of raise them because their parents left them, that's amazing.

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Instagram page that I follow,

Bedou the Fox.

Check this out.

It's like a little tiny fox that this guy's raised.

Yeah.

And it's so adorable.

It's so adorable.

It's such a, this is cool to see.

So this guy brings this fox with him every look at that cute little fox.

He's so cute.

Yeah, they're adorable.

But he hides under stuff.

He's playful.

Yeah.

But this guy has this fox as a pet.

And, you know, and see, show the things where he's like cuddling with it.

Like, he's look at it, yeah.

It's just a straight up.

It's his little buddy, yeah.

They're adore, it's like an adorable little dog.

The red cool ones are kind of funny, too, when it just like learns how to open the fridge and take it off.

He's got it on a leash, he's walking the fox on a leash, but he has to put it on a leash because it fucker won't come back, and it's like, no, I'm free.

Yeah, he's like, This is where I belong.

Yeah, he's just trying to run from the guy, but he's on a leash.

The huge ears, incredible.

That thing probably hears an owl farting a mile away.

like look at his face

so fucking cute man yeah they really are they're really cool animals yeah and and people have done this where they raise them but yeah i think it's like makes weird faces yeah i think it's one of those things where you have to be around them all the time you know yeah i think if it's i guess i don't know but if it's abandoned young enough to where it's attached to you there's something there yeah no you definitely can raise them people have raised them but and people have raised coyotes that same way too oh yeah but you you have to be around them all the time because they're wild.

Like, you're just tricking them into, like, by constantly giving them food and attention so they feel like they don't have to do anything else that they really feel instinctual about doing, like going out and killing a cat.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

there's a place called Oswald Bear Ranch.

Oh, look, he's got a cat.

His cute little fox is like half the size of the cat.

He wants to play with the cat.

It's adorable.

The cat is not like upset, uh, happy, though.

No.

When you see see a cat with its tail like that, that's a really pissed-off cat.

Well, the cat doesn't want to play with its owner, let alone whatever that thing is.

Well, the cat looks like it's on a SOS surround.

Yeah, first of all, it is.

The cat's fat as fuck.

Yeah, it was actually a male cat.

It does not identify that way anymore.

A cat's a school shooter.

It's going to go to the pound, shoot it up.

Just going to take out everybody at the pet store.

Yeah.

Just one after the other.

The story of wolves, like how we turned wolves into dogs, is pretty fucking insane.

It is amazing how we do just kind of have these like wolves in our house, but we made them cuter by design over centuries.

We're like, this is my uh, my wolf poodle, which is essentially what it is.

Yeah, it's incredible.

Well, and then you get them down to like, I have a King Charles Spaniel, you know what those things are?

Yep, he's that big, yeah, he's the fucking cutest thing on earth.

Yeah, that if you go far enough back, that's a wolf.

Oh, yeah, and how did they do that?

I have a King Charles Spaniel poodle, Ah.

Yeah.

And his name is.

As if a King Charles Spaniel wasn't gay enough.

Exactly.

I had to make sure.

He wears bow ties, you know, like a wolf would.

Bow ties.

Oh, my God.

Whenever he gets his haircut, they put him in a bow tie.

That's adorable.

And I'm just like, it's so cute, but it's also the gayest.

Oh, that's adorable.

But yeah, his name is Higgins, and he's the best dog, but he's small.

And I've always had big dogs, and I kind of just like the fact that he's kind of small and just really wants to sit there.

Just wants to chill.

He'll go for a walk, but he's not dying to.

The breed, the furthest removed and physically characteristic by wolves, is the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

Yeah, mine's called the Cavapoo.

That's the one I have.

Yeah, I have a mix of that and a poodle.

The Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, one of the most popular breeds in the UK and U.S., probably because of their lapdog reputation.

Yeah, they're adorable dogs.

Oh, I love them.

They're so sweet.

I love them.

That's the furthest removed physically and characteristically from a wolf.

Yeah.

It has...

I mean, he's he's funny.

Like, he'll grab his toy.

He's got this lamb, and he'll just like jump in the window at giant dogs and just start shaking it and like try to intimidate them.

That's funny.

And I'm like, you're in a fucking little bow tie.

He looks so gay.

He's probably trying to play with them.

Because my dog loves to play with Marshall.

My golden friends.

Dude, it's very best friends.

Yeah, he's very playful.

Yeah.

Yeah, because we have.

I'm just going to announce all the more dogs that I have and feel worse as this goes.

A Havenese.

What's that?

It's like a little.

We don't have the long hair cut on it, but you know those long hair, like, almost show dogs?

Okay.

And it's, yeah, just a Havenese pure.

Oh, wow.

But we have...

See the top right corner?

She looks like that.

So that's the other dog.

And she's the best.

And she's insane.

You're a little bit daddy face.

Yeah, not the smartest dog you'll ever meet.

And that's one of the things I love about her.

Well, they don't have to be smart.

No, it's like rich kids on trust funds.

They're not so fucking smart either.

Yeah, they are the most privileged of the dog community.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's no doubt about it.

Most likely to be a they-them.

Yes.

That's all the they-thems.

They're not poor kids.

No, well, we're the ones cutting off their balls and spaying them.

Right.

Yeah, they're all trans.

They're all trans.

Yeah, they're all a little angry at us.

My dogs have their balls.

Oh, do they really?

Always.

Yeah, I don't fix my dogs.

See, we had already had them fixed when we got them.

I had a really good vet when I first moved to L.A., and I always thought you have to fix dogs.

Yeah.

Because you're like Bob Barker.

Spay new to your pets.

Yes.

Yes.

Bob Barker, we do that after the end of every show.

Yep.

Turn your pets trans.

How about just don't be an irresponsible dog owner and let your dog have puppies that nobody wants.

How about you just be a responsible dog owner and let your dog have its natural fucking hormones?

Yeah.

Because when you cut their balls off, they get tired.

They get depressed.

They have no energy.

Testosterone.

There's testosterone stuff.

What happens to people when their testosterone goes?

You get depressed.

You get depressed and you have no energy.

That's the same shit that happens to your dog.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah, and that's why he's in a bow tie.

And my vet was, he told me that.

I was like, I can't believe it.

He goes, look, nobody wants to hear it.

Everybody wants to tell you, span new to your dogs.

But characteristically, like, if you look at how a dog behaves, I see a change the moment they cut.

Now, look, if you have an overly aggressive dog, that's a different story.

If you have a dog that, like, you, you probably should train, that's probably what it is.

It probably needs obedience training and probably needs a lot of attention.

It probably needs a lot of exercise.

But if you cut your dog's balls off, it won't be the same dog.

No.

And I mean, the next dogs I have, I probably won't.

You know, but it's just something that you're used to for so long.

And, like, with Bob Barker, I get control of the pet population, so there's not dogs running all over the streets that have to be euthanized all the time.

Yeah.

But if it's like

if it's your own dog, though.

But again, that's just bad dog owners.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Like, people are bad parents, and their kids wind up, you know.

joining a gang and shooting people up.

It's like, it's a lot of the same kind of shit, man.

Well, it's the same.

It's literally the same thing.

I mean, when you,

like, years ago, they were doing articles, not to bring it back to my hometown, but like in Detroit where you would see dog gangs roving together.

They take over a house, and like, you know, they, I remember one house was, like, filled with pit bulls and stuff, but it was a black lab that was like the king shed at this house.

Really?

Yeah, it was crazy.

And, but.

Probably the smartest one.

I think it must have been that because like when like Rolling Stone, I think it was, showed up and they were like, holy shit, it's a black lab that's in charge of like all these pit bulls and that was was like their king.

And but to see.

Well, probably they're good hunters.

Maybe that's what it is.

Well, because Labradors are hunting dogs.

Yeah.

Well, that's true.

Because you would see just packs of dogs going down the street when it was at its most empty.

God, I heard about a lady that got killed by a pack of dogs in Georgia a few years back.

Oh, they'll do it.

Yeah, wild dogs.

She was hiking and feral dogs attacked her.

Yeah.

And that's a rough way to go.

That's terrible.

Rough way to go.

Because there's probably a minute where she's like, oh, dogs.

I doubt it.

Yeah.

I doubt it.

No, most people do get scared.

Yeah.

They should.

Yeah.

Well, especially if you're on like a mountain.

If you don't know the dog, like, it could be anything.

Yeah.

Never go up to a dog the way that people tell you that you should.

Put your hand out.

Yep.

I'm your friend.

Look, I'm your buddy.

It's like, just stand there.

Stand your ground.

Yeah.

Look at it.

Keep an eye on it.

And hopefully have a gun.

Yeah.

Hopefully have a a gun.

I just shot your doodle.

I overreacted.

But yeah, those ones you can't.

That's a problem too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, when you just stand there and kind of let the dog smell you, that's what they do.

That's they just want to get to know who you are.

So let them.

And just kind of, yeah, keep an eye.

Don't act scared.

What you shouldn't do is run and start screaming.

Yeah.

No, they like that.

Yeah.

It's fun.

They think it's a play.

Yeah.

A time to play.

They're going to kill you and have fun.

Yeah.

Yay.

Look, this is, we got a screamer.

Boys.

As if there's not enough problems in the world.

You got to worry about roving packs of wild dogs taking folks out.

And bears fighting in your cul-de-sac.

Yeah.

You don't see that.

They're trying to bring bears back to certain states now.

They're trying to reintroduce grizzly bears, these fucking dorks.

Why do they reintroduce animals that went extinct in an area for a reason?

That's what I'm saying.

Well, they didn't go extinct.

They were made extinct.

Yeah.

Right.

Like California.

California has a grizzly bear on its flag.

Right.

But there's no grizzlies in California because they killed them all because they were killing all these people.

Right.

The last guy that got killed in California by a grizzly bear, they actually named a town after him.

Really?

Levesque, California.

Is it named after a guy that was murdered by a grizzly bear?

His name was Stephen Levesque.

Yeah, he was the last man in California to be killed by a grizzly bear before they killed them all.

Are they trying to bring them back to California?

Yeah, of course they are.

Oh, that's smart.

Look, they brought wolves back to Detroit.

They brought wolves, excuse me, Detroit, Colorado.

They brought wolves to an area of Colorado that's right outside of Aspen, and people are losing their fucking minds because they brought these wolves that they had captured in Oregon because they were killing cattle.

And then they reintroduced them to Colorado where they wait for it, kill cattle.

They've been killing cattle like crazy.

They brought them out to like these ranching areas.

And they've killed so many cows out there, man.

I have a buddy who has a ranch out there.

He sends me pictures all the time of these cows that they find just torn apart.

Yeah.

Like baby cows, calves just ripped to shreds.

Oh, yeah.

Well, they did the same.

I want to say it was like near Dollywood.

Didn't they do that too?

Where like wolves had finally gone away in that area in the mountains?

Where's Dollywood?

Where's Dollywood?

It's near

Tennessee near.

Are there wolves in Tennessee?

I think they tried to reintroduce them.

Maybe red wolves.

Yeah, like I took a tour through the forest.

Like, I had to go.

I didn't want to go.

It wasn't my thing, believe it or not.

But

we went as a family trip.

And

it's terrible.

And somebody recognized me, and that was the worst.

He was at a fake Dalek Barton show.

Oh, boy.

Like, are you Dave Landau?

And I'm like, oh, fuck, really?

No?

So, but we went through the forest, and they were saying that they were reintroducing animals into that area.

And it's like, why would you do that?

And I guess they had just taken down like a Krispy Kreme because bears just destroyed it.

Well, that wouldn't be reintroduction.

That area of the bears have always been there.

Okay.

But if they're reintroducing a wolf, it has to be the red wolf.

The red wolf is endangered and it's a small wolf.

It's a wolf that's like maybe the size of a large coyote.

Yeah, there it is.

Red wolves are returning to the Smoky Mountains.

There you go, yeah.

Yeah, but it's like that photo is a little deceptive.

When you see a red wolf, they're pretty small.

Like, what is the average size of a red wolf?

Google that, Jamie.

Yeah, like, that picture of the bear walking, we saw that a lot, just walking down, like while we were there.

Oh, you're going to see a lot of bears

50 to 60 pounds.

Yeah, they'd be like tumbling like cubs and stuff down the road.

That's like a red wolf.

It's probably, you know, it's a 50-pound animal.

Okay, so

they're not a gray wolf.

Yeah, it's not.

Grey wolves are fucking scary.

Terrifying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're big.

Yeah, I would not want to go.

I don't know.

That's a scary animal.

Anytime I've seen one, they just don't look friendly, and I don't.

Well, I mean, they killed them off for a reason.

The reason reason why i mean look little red riding hood fucking there's all these stories with kids where they get eaten by wolves because wolves eat kids well yeah it was a way to scare the kids into being aware of what was going on it was bro do you know the world war one story no okay world war one the germans and the russians had a ceasefire because so many of them were getting killed by wolves they made an agreement to have a ceasefire and kill the wolves and then go back to fighting seriously yeah

because they were in trench warfare.

So they're in Russia and Russia has big wolves.

Yeah, huge.

So what happens with animals, with warm-blooded animals, is the further north the animal goes, the larger its body size is.

Okay.

And they think it's to retain heat.

So if you look like a deer and like, let's say a white-tailed deer.

A white-tailed deer that you see in Texas is a small deer.

Yeah.

Like if I see a white-tailed deer generally, like I see them all the time on my way to work.

A white-tailed deer might, a female might be like 50, 60 pounds.

A male might be 100, 120 pounds.

In Saskatchewan, you might get a 300-pound whitetail.

Okay.

They're way bigger.

Yeah.

Way bigger.

Well, yeah, to me.

Wolves are the same thing.

They're bigger up there.

They're bigger animals up there.

Like bears are bigger.

Polar bears are huge.

They're polar bears and they're nasty.

Yeah, they have to retain heat.

Yeah.

So like when you go to like northern kind of climates, when you're dealing with an animal in northern climates, that's gonna be a bigger version of that animal.

So if you see a wolf in like Alberta, yeah, that's gonna be a bigger wolf than a wolf that you'd see in Mexico.

Those are smaller wolves.

Right, well, because they don't have to survive in the same elements.

Exactly.

It's also there's no benefit to having a large size of your body to maintain heat.

That's why moose are in the most up upper north part of the country.

Yeah.

They're the largest of all the deer species.

Oh, that would make sense, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like elk are like larger than deer.

You know, it's like, and then the elk that are the further north, like the, those, like Montana, some giant fucking elk, Wyoming, giant elk.

And that's the, you know.

Yeah, when you get towards Canada, too, a lot of those places where it's just cold, you get those massive animals.

Yep, yep, yep.

And

what were we talking about that I brought that up?

We were talking about wolves?

Wolves, the one, the red wolf being brought back to Kentucky.

Yeah, so those are small because they're in like a warm climate.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah.

It's just odd to me to think that when you even hear the word wolf, like we're just going to reintroduce it to this tourist area.

It's like it seems bad.

Well, it's all these people that are liberals that are like sweet, kind people that like, this is Jared Polis, the governor of Colorado.

He's a nice guy.

He's a sweet guy.

Yeah.

He just posted some really kind

tweet the other day.

I'm like, oh, it seems like a good guy.

But hey, don't bring wolves back to ranching areas.

Because you could have these idealistic utopic view, utopia-based views of what you think a wolf would be like back in the wild.

But no, they're going to, they take the easiest path possible, the easiest path possible.

Oh, there's a bunch of animals that are stuck in a fenced-in area that I could just hop over.

I'll just go kill one and eat it.

And that's what they do.

And so

these farmers now have to hire people 24-7 to be patrolling around their animals.

So they're already operating at a very low margin, right?

If you're a farmer and a rancher, you lose a bunch of cows.

You're fucked.

So now the state has to compensate them for depredation.

So every time a wolf kills a cow, they compensate them.

So it costs the state more money.

Oh, so they got to pay for the.

Yes, they have to pay for it.

And then now they have depredation permits on some of these wolves because they're repeat offenders.

So now they're trying to kill these wolves that they've spent millions and millions of dollars reintroducing to Colorado.

And it's all silly people.

It's what's called ballot box biology.

Yeah.

Wildlife conservationists and hunters and people that spend time in the woods, they hate it.

They hate it because it's mostly uninformed people that think they're doing a good thing.

Like, let's stop trophy hunting.

Yeah, we have to.

Yeah, we have to stop hunters.

Hunters are evil.

Like, no, bitch, bears are evil.

They will fucking eat you asshole first in front of your kids.

They don't care.

Well, it's like when they put in an insect to kill an insect that's getting out of control.

Always works bad.

Yeah, so like in Michigan, it was like ladybugs, but all of a sudden now there were ladybugs everywhere, and this kind could bite you.

So they were some kind of beetle that was this massive problem all of a sudden.

And it was to help control the fish fly problem or mayflies, people might know them as.

Yeah.

And they're just because you drive down next to the water, dude, and it just sounds like rice krispies as you drive because you're just hitting so many of these things.

But it didn't help that problem.

It just created a horrible beetle problem.

And then there was something else going on in the lake, so they introduced zebra mussels.

Oh, yeah, they did that out here, too.

Dude, they destroyed boats, they cut up people's feet that were swimming.

Yeah,

everything, yeah, it backfired completely.

And it's like, so you're just introducing this like poison into the air and into the water that you think is going to benefit this.

Yeah, so they have too much vegetation on some of these lakes.

So, what did they do is they sterilize carp and then introduce these sterilized carp.

But sometimes they're not sterile, and sometimes they just start breeding, and then the the carp basically eat all the vegetation.

And so then your entire lake looks like the bottom of a swimming pool.

Right.

It's just gone.

There's no more grass.

So the fish don't know where to hide.

So it's like not as effective for them.

They don't get as big.

So all the bass fishermen are mad because there's no like habitat.

Right.

Yeah.

It's all fucked up.

And that's happened, yeah, with mission.

Because we do have a lot of fishermen, bass fishermen, you know, that go out there.

And you can go into pretty small pond areas and lakes because the great lakes and still catch some stuff.

But once you start messing with the habitat, it goes bad for a long time.

Oh, yeah, man.

Well, look at Australia.

Australia has done a terrible job of introducing invasive species to combat problem animals.

Oh, yeah.

And now they have feral cats that have essentially wiped out most of their ground nesting birds and all sorts of other things.

Cats are the worst, man.

Little, little, cute little house cats.

Yeah.

They are the worst murderers of all the animal kingdom.

Well, and they think birds are a nice present for you.

That's the first thing they're going to go after is just kill them.

Birds and rats.

Yep.

Yeah.

And that's why like the crazy cat lady thing is a real thing too, because they also contain parasites.

And that parasite, toxoplasmosis,

it affects humans.

It affects behavior.

It makes you more impulsive, more aggressive.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a crazy parasite that is, at one point in time, half of France had toxoplasmosis.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, because of feral cats.

It might have been half of Paris or half of France.

I don't remember.

But a large

in rural areas where you have a lot of feral cats.

Okay.

I don't know if it's like Richard.

You're known people that have like outdoor cats.

They're very irrational.

Yes.

Mark Marin.

Those people probably have toxo, which is why they're behaving weird.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what's going on.

It's like, I guarantee, if you test it, I might have it.

I had a feral cat.

I've never had a feral cat, but I've definitely had ones that would stop by the house.

I had a feral cat.

A friend of mine, her and her boyfriend, rescued a bunch of kittens that were underneath this building, and it was in Santa Monica, and she said, Do you want a kitten?

He was so cute.

And I took him in, and I actually had to stay with this cat for like days in one of the rooms of my house because, like, when I picked him up, he would purr and he'd be sweet.

As soon as I put him down, he'd hiss at me and jump and leap away.

He was wild.

Like claws and everything.

It took forever for me to just calm him down.

And then after a while, I could just come up to him and pick him up.

Like when he was a full-grown cat, he was totally my friend.

But no one else, no one else could pet this cat.

You'd come over my house, he would hiss at you like he was ready to go to war.

It was crazy.

But I would go, no, dude, he was just wild.

He's wild.

And I'd pick him up and he'd start purring.

But he would purr like no other cat would purr.

Because when he knew that you just loved him and that you weren't going to eat him, when I'd pick him up, he'd just

he was so happy to be held.

He was so happy to be pet.

But then as soon as I put him down, he would look at me sketchy and run away.

He was just fucked up, man.

My grandma had that.

She was crazy, though.

Like she, like, as she got older, she had like this old mansion.

And I don't know how she got it, but it was one of those things where like when you're Catholic, you just have 87 kids.

So the house was big, but now it looks huge to people.

So she just had cats?

But towards the end, she had a few cats and just she would have like those Tom tom and jerry mouse holes in the house like where you would see them coming and out of where they and dude she would keep like she keep the spiders because they thought she thought it was part of the ecosystem oh great so you're looking up like i'd have to sleep there and i'm just like staring at a brown recluse like shaking at the age of like eight those will leave giant holes in you man dude they will kill it my brother got bitten by one and his leg turned into a softball and he had to go really bad yeah she was nuts dude like she's just necrotic yeah Where it eats away the tissue.

Dude, and it went like that.

Like, he got bit.

And by the time he got to the hospital, it just kept getting big.

It went from like a golf ball to a softball to like, and they had to hit him with all this like antivirum.

It was nuts, dude.

My friend Jeremy had a hole in his thigh where he had to stuff gauze in it because it was constantly oozing.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Like they start, it starts chewing away at your skin.

Yeah, it eats necrosis.

Yeah, my brother's like a scar from it, dude.

It's disgusting.

Brown recluses are dangerous, man.

But she was nuts.

She had like a casino in her basement that she ran.

She taught us.

That sounds so fun.

It really was when we were kids, too.

Like, we're dealing with blackjack and fine slots.

She had a casino in her basement.

Yeah, it was fun.

And then

she was a recovering Elkie.

She had beads everywhere.

Like, I didn't know what that was then.

Oh, like 30-day beads.

Yeah.

And like, so then later on, well, it was like from Mardi Gras.

She had all the stuff from Mardi Gras.

So like later in my life, I'm like, oh, my grandma was a whore.

But I didn't realize it until later.

There's a cat lady whore with a fucking casino in her basement.

Like a cat lady casino whore who thinks spiders are part of an ecosystem.

She's kind of right.

I mean, she's not wrong.

They would eat the mosquitoes.

That was her thing.

Dude.

But you'd also have like, you're like, I think it's a black widow in your garage.

And it's like, yeah, so don't go near it.

And I'm like, you want to protect your spider?

Like, she was just nuts, dude.

But yeah, she was in recovery, but then she also had an entire bar where you could just make drinks.

So, we're like six and like looking through like how to make somebody a martini.

It's so much fun.

So, she kept the drinks even though she was clean.

Yeah, she was clean, yeah.

Wow, I've done that too myself, though, because if people come over, I'm like, yeah, whatever you want, man.

Yeah, I stopped drinking, and I have a full bar at my house.

Yeah, I have a wine room.

It's like such a wasted room.

Yeah.

Because a room filled with bottles of wine that now I'll never drink.

Yeah, I have probably 10 bottles.

And it's if somebody wants one.

Yeah, come on over.

I'll judge you.

Yeah, like my.

You sit there and drink and I'll judge you.

You'll start acting stupid.

Well, after my last DUI was when I got, it was like 16 years ago, and I had just built a bar in my basement.

And it's really nice, and I still really like it.

But like, it was probably days later I got the DUI.

So I just like sit there and I'll just look at this bar and like, ah, it could have been.

Was that when you stopped drinking?

Yeah, it was my, it was my 13th arrest.

It it was my uh 13th arrest yeah what was number one uh the day i got my driver's license no yeah for real

what did you do um my dad had gotten a buick regal and uh it was around november because they would i was born in june but they wouldn't let me get my driver's license because my grades were so bad and we were having a family reunion So we had everybody at the house.

My dad, we thought, was doing a little better.

And we all went out to eat.

And I'm like, hey, can I borrow the car?

And he's like, yeah.

So we get home, and my aunt had blocked the driveway, thinking that I would probably end up taking the car and like her son out, who was from Arizona.

And the one side of my house was the house, and then the other side was my neighbor's lawn with a small pine tree and like rose bushes and stuff.

He just drove through that.

Yeah, I figured if I gingerly did it, it would be all right.

Dude, I fucked up her lawn.

We go, I go and pick up my friends.

We go down eight miles to this place called Piccadilly, where we'd have this guy named Spider-by.

And he was fucking great.

He was this like homeless dude who just was like, he always go, I'm Spider with a wah.

And he'd do that.

And then he was a total pervert.

He'd be like, he would seriously offer to like, he'd be like, I'll jack you off too.

And we're like, we just want the beer.

But we do appreciate it.

Really, but thank you.

So like, he'd always be like, somebody's got to come in with me to pick it up.

And we'd be fighting if we had to get out of the car to go walk with this guy.

So we

just bring the beer in.

We're driving around.

We start giving lawn jobs.

You know, like we'd first we did leaf pile fires because everybody would like rake their leaves into the street.

So we started doing those, you know, fun, good old-fashioned arson.

But usually it would stop pretty quickly.

Somebody would run out with like a garden hose.

And, you know, it totally was innocent until the one time it wasn't.

But we were driving around.

We went to some parties, smoking weed, all that shit.

And finally, I get up on this one guy's lawn after part, and he's got a Beamer 5 Series.

And I got my Regal, my dad's, which it had a v6 turbo charge which for a buick it wasn't bad for 98

but i got on this dude's lawn i see him sitting in his beamer and for some reason in my head i'm just like this guy's just gonna sit here and take it so i just start giving him a lawn job i'm doing donuts you can hear grass hitting his car

We get in a high-speed chase with this dude.

Dude, I mean, like French connection style.

I swear, I hit this bump, man.

Four tires went off the ground because we just felt like the car popped to the ground.

And we get, we're just going all over the city.

My friends are like, let's just pull over and beat the shit out of him.

And I'm like, he could have a gun, you know?

So I finally go down this street that has like a bifurcation where it just splits immediately, like this, you have to go this way, this way, you know, and I didn't see it.

So I start breaking because I'm going at an oak tree.

So I'm breaking it and dude, the next thing I know, the engine drops through the front of the car.

All the airbags come out.

I get cracked with an airbag, and I'm unconscious.

I'm not quite unconscious.

I'm conscious just enough to see the BMW in my rear view drive away.

And then as I'm being knocked out, I hear all my friends and my own cousin leave.

Now here's the kicker.

We were having a family reunion.

I didn't realize that there was a bunch of cases of beer and liquor already in the trunk and chips and stuff.

So when I hit the tree, that popped open.

And it looked like I drove a Super Bowl party party into the fucking tree.

There was just like beer and pop and chips and shit going down the street.

And finally, dude, I wake up from being unconscious and I get out of the car and there's a cop and my dad there.

When you wake up?

When I get up, like I had been that, dude, I got knocked out so hard by that airbag.

Oh, my God.

Because it just like, like all I could smell was that like burning talcum powder kind of smell, like that awful, like,

I want to say eggy almost.

It was just the worst smell, but everybody else was able to run

except me.

So it looked like I just did it.

So I get out, and I remember I look at my dad.

And my dad was not violent.

He was in Noun, but he was never violent.

But I just look at him and I go, Dad, I'm okay.

And he goes, Great.

And he punched me in the face so hard

that I hit the ground and was knocked up for the second time that evening.

Oh, no.

Dude, he cracked me hard.

He gave you a second concussion?

That night.

And I wake up.

That's not good.

No.

No dad.

Dude, no, he was pissed.

I get it.

Yeah, but then I wake up and the cop's got a light on me.

And I swear to God, the cop goes, he's waking up if you want to hit him again.

It's the first thing I hear.

And I'm like, you guys, I'm really in a lot of pain here.

And my dad apologized, but he's like,

what the fuck is wrong with you?

He was just furious.

And I had already been getting into dope and stuff, and he was getting pretty pissed with me.

But

dude, DUI, and I got six-month suspended license.

Wow.

I went in front of a referee, is what they called it for juveniles at Coleman A.

Young

Municipal, and they gave me six-month suspended license.

Did you have to talk your way out of it?

Oh, out of being arrested?

I mean, like, oh, that?

No, my dad, I remember I was going to school one day, and he goes, I just got the bill for the car.

I was like, yeah, he goes, it's $13,980

here.

And I go, I don't have that money.

He goes, just show people so they know how proud I am of you.

I was like, thanks, thanks, Dad.

Wow.

But he was furious.

I would imagine.

But

he let it go after that because we had alcoholism in our family.

I didn't believe that you were doing donuts on this guy's lawn right in front of him.

Oh, dude, we did so much shit we shouldn't have done back then.

Was it just the crew you were hanging with?

Yeah, like it was fun.

Dude,

we all just kind of wanted to be thugs.

It was a little sad.

Well, it is Detroit.

Yeah, you want to be, like, you're in the suburbs, sort of.

Like, my house was in the suburbs, but you're literally three minutes from the most violent part of America at the time.

So you're on the border of the east side of Detroit.

So it's not like you can't hear gunshots.

You know what I mean?

It's like

every drug and every party, you're going down to raves and warehouses that are owned by like the Russian mob.

Crazy, really?

Oh, fuck yeah.

Wow.

Dude, yeah.

Were you like 18?

Oh, yeah.

17, 18, 16, all those years, dude.

Like, 99, 2000, huge rave culture.

And then when the new mayor came in, Kwame Kilpatrick, who ended up getting arrested and put in jail and then Trump pardoned,

he started the Detroit Electronic Music Festival.

So he capitalized on that.

Really?

Yeah, do you remember when Ford Focus basically, or Ford put out the Detroit Electronic Music Festival Focus?

No.

Dude, it was basically a car designed for people on ecstasy.

Like the whole thing was speakers.

Really?

Yeah, if you can find it, it's the Detroit, it was the Detroit

Electronic Music Festival Focus.

And the car was.

It just had a crazy sound system.

Yeah, because the car is a piece of shit.

So the whole thing is just speakers.

And the way they would do the ads, it was almost like, you go into a, are you on E?

Well, this car is great.

It's got huge cup holders for your water.

It's got great sound.

Oh, that's hilarious.

They were capitalized on it.

And Hollywood did a little because that's like when the movie Go came out.

And a lot of these movies that were almost

with

Go is the one where they're all trying to.

Find that car first.

They're all trying to get ecstasy in it.

And it's just like Hady Holmes and all these other people who are like, some are different stars and some are.

And they all kind of mix together in this one night.

And they're all just going to different raves and parties.

Oh, I know.

And the whole thing is about E.

I'm trying to think of his name.

You'd know him from the store.

Plays a bouncer in it.

Vince Vaughan?

No, no, not Vince.

Um, he's not really an actual store, more of a comic.

He used to work with uh, Schimmel, or not, I'm not Schimmel, um,

god, what is his name?

Blondehair, older dude, Jimmy Schubert yes,

he plays a bouncer in it, yeah.

Uh, Jimmy's the best, yeah, he's great.

I did last comic with him, and he was super cool.

Yeah, I love him.

I love Jimmy for 35 years, I think.

30, no, 30 years, somewhere in there, yeah, he's a good dude, and he played very good, he played a bouncer in it.

Yeah, so yeah, um, what's that car?

Did you find it?

Well, I found it doesn't show

I wonder how much they've scrubbed it, but if it's like a Detroit music festival, it's like a 2001 article, but it's called a Ford Focus Festival.

For the Electronic Music Festival.

And the way they...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, they've changed it up a bit with the Ventura, but yeah.

Go with speakers, right?

Speakers, interior.

It was great because you'd be walking to this music festival in heart.

Yeah, see the JBL speakers that would never be used in a Ford Focus.

Oh, that's what they had in them?

Yeah.

They had like this.

So they had a badass sound system.

Right.

And it was just this

terrible little hatchback, you know, car that a young person could afford with a killer sound system in case you wanted to listen to Bad Boy Bill or Fat Boy Slim.

And you, so you got arrested 13 times?

Yeah.

So what was number two?

Number two,

let me think.

Two was an MIP.

What's that?

A minor in possession of alcohol.

Oh.

And then that one was, like, a lot of them were MIPs.

Four were DUIs.

Four.

Yeah.

And then I got arrested.

How are you still, how'd you still have a license?

Most of it was as a minor.

And then by the time I got my one as an adult, it like it had spanned enough to where in 2009 when I got arrested my last time and I decided to get sober, they couldn't technically put me in prison.

And I didn't want to go because I didn't want to spend my days getting titty fucked by the Aryan Brotherhood.

I know how I look.

So

I

got clean.

But

yeah, that one was the one that I took real seriously.

So what they did was they put an alcohol tether on my leg that would monitor if I was drinking and a breathalyzer in my car.

So I would, like, I'd have to blow start my car everywhere I went, you know, and like.

My friend Rob had that.

It would take like three minutes before he could start his car.

Dude, it sucked.

And now they take pictures of you and stuff, but that one, it would go off as you drive.

So you're like driving and and like, I remember one time a truck was jackknifing and then it's like,

so I'm trying to like dodge this truck from hitting me in the Grand Rapids snow while blowing my car so it doesn't stop.

No way.

I swear to God.

They're so dangerous.

And I'm going around the country.

I didn't know they did it while you were driving.

That's insane.

That's so they prove you're not drinking.

So like every 15 minutes it goes off at random, but you can't time it.

And you have to blow into it.

Yeah, that's when people are like, can't you have somebody else blow?

And it's like, well, no, because you'd be like,

can I drink and drive?

And you just say, shotgun and let me.

But yeah, you have to blow the whole time you're driving.

So that's what sucks about it.

So you have this constant thing.

And I was double jeopardy because I was a road comic.

So in 2009, yeah, dude, I'm going into these bars and nightclubs.

I'm like, hey, do you have a phone jack I could use for a few minutes?

And they're like, yeah, why?

And I'm like,

I got this ankle monitor and I got to plug it in somewhere to a phone jack so they can download to make sure I'm not drinking.

So I'd be in a bar, dude.

And with my...

With my fucking ankle

attached to the wall while they downloaded my alcohol.

How long did it take?

So it has like a modem?

Like a

yeah,

it would light, you know, so it would let you know when you were done.

And they would do it through the phone lines.

Yeah.

At that time.

Wow.

I'm sure there's something more high-tech now.

This was 09.

You had to have a phone jack and I'd have to call my probation officer and be like, this is the room I'm playing.

I'm in a bar.

I was allowed to be in a bar, but if anybody spilled anything on me, right to jail.

Oh, boy.

Because, like, if I had any bit of drink, like, I had to use Tom's everything, you know, all natural stuff because anything could have alcohol in it.

Oh, wow.

So, like, I couldn't touch anything on a chance that, on the off chance that it would set off my monitor.

That's crazy.

You know what's really crazy?

If you eat poppy seed bagels, you can get pop for heroin.

Yeah, when you take a drug test for your job.

Isn't that nuts?

Yeah.

A poppy seed bagel.

bagel dude it's

a nice delicious bagel and you you get popped for heroin it's amazing because you have nothing else in your system but heroin

i'm a tee toddler right what's in your tea yeah what are you doing with it

yeah they tell you don't eat poppy seeds and eat poppy seeds before you go in for a drug test i wonder how long poppy seed bagel stays in your system oh dude i defy i did drug tests too that sucks i i didn't i never did the heroin one i didn't eat a lot of poppy seeds, but I did buy a fake dick that they caught me with.

You had a urinator or a wizenator?

Is that what they call it?

Yeah, it's called a wizenator.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's hilarious.

They caught you with the fake dick?

Yeah.

How'd they catch you?

Was it darker than me?

I'm not kidding.

Oh, boy.

I bought the one.

I thought they'd be behind me.

They weren't.

No, they were right here.

Because they know about the fake dicks.

Yeah.

And I'm just like,

I'm just going to squeeze these these balls from some urine I bought off of a nerdy kid like R.

Kelly.

I got one for you.

I know a guy who, to pass a steroid test,

he was clearly on steroids.

He was a fighter.

Yeah.

He injected someone else's urine into his bladder.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Yeah.

So he got some bro science doctor in the fucking men's room shoving a large needle of piss into his bladder, and then he pissed out somebody else's piss.

Oh, God.

Did it work?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hats off.

I mean, that's dedication.

Basketball player came back pregnant when he took his drug test.

Using pregnant girlfriends urine.

Dude, that's the way of this.

So what are they testing him for that he's worried about other than weed?

Is it weed?

I'm guessing weed because it's a if it was 2020 in ohio it was still illegal plus i don't think i don't think you're allowed to use it wow if you're on the team but it was illegal then so they were probably still which it's never been i i mean for most people i should

suspension yeah international drug test in your profile

in bosnia is that what it was

as a naturalized player well he was i wonder what they were testing him for I wonder what drugs they were actually testing him for.

What are they worried about finding?

Yeah, because I bought, what was it called?

Urine luck?

That doesn't work.

Steroids and stuff, you know?

I guess, but Jesus Christ, if I'm running a professional basketball organization, I want people on steroids.

I'm not testing anyone for anything.

I want them recovering.

I want them playing better.

Yeah.

The whole steroid thing is so weird, you know, it's because it's just science.

They figured out a way to make humans perform better.

Like, so are we supposed to use some science?

Like, you can use creatine, which at one point in time, they used to treat creatine like it was steroids.

Well, yeah, they did.

In the 1990s, it was like, you're taking creatine, you're basically taking steroids.

Well, it was because of the Mark Maguire

Jose Conseiko thing.

Right.

I think that was a little later.

Wasn't it?

I remember it was part of it because they were like, they're on creatine, and everybody's like, are you sure?

No, they were on Anderstein Dione is what he was trying to say, but it wasn't.

Yeah.

He was steroids.

He was on hardcore shit.

He got big.

Maguire went from like a farm boy to looking like one of the Looney Tunes characters from Space Jam.

Like the dude was just fucking stacked.

Home run.

This is a video of Maguire hitting a home run.

And as the bat is contacting the ball, you see the bend to the bat because he's so strong.

He's whipping the bat so hard that it's bending in the air as it contacts the ball.

And it's

yeah, it's ash.

It's like a very dense wood.

Yeah.

And he's whipping it so hard that it has a bend like a bow, like a bow and arrow.

And it's connecting the ball like perfectly on the sweet spot.

Look at that.

Look at the fucking amount of bend in that bat.

That makes no sense.

Well, that's somebody else.

But look at the one above it.

Oh, the one right there, though.

That's the Maguire one.

I'm talking about it.

Maguire's right there.

That's a Ben Ben.

That's it.

No, right there, Jay.

It looks like he's doing the spoon trick.

Okay, whoever it is.

But look at it.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

So when a guy is swinging it full clip, that's what happens to the bat, which is crazy.

Dude, that is completely Royd's.

That's him.

Oh, my God, that's nuts.

Look at that bat.

It looks like it's made out of rubber.

That's so crazy.

Imagine the fucking force your body has to generate to do that to one of those bats.

And meanwhile, Pete Rose never gets inducted.

I know.

Dude, I met him.

I liked him.

I know.

That didn't make any sense.

He's just gambling.

It didn't hinder his play.

No.

I mean,

there was some concern that maybe he bet against his team.

That's what it was, yeah.

Yeah, he probably did.

Yeah, he says he didn't.

He wasn't going to allow him in.

Or he's going to be eligible, I believe.

Yeah, I figured.

Posthumously, though.

Yeah, I figured, yeah, that's what they were going to do.

Yeah, but that's not cool.

He's dead.

He should have done it while he's alive.

No, and he's been around sitting in the MGM in Vegas signing shit for a long time.

And he was a great player.

Yes, he was.

He's amazing.

I mean, just because a guy does something like that doesn't mean he didn't do amazing things playing.

And that's what it's supposed to be all about.

The guy was an all-star.

He was one of the greatest of all time.

And he took it away from him because he likes to gamble.

Yeah.

Guess what?

That's also probably why he was so fucking good because he was wild.

Yes, exactly.

He was a wild boy.

It's true.

Yes.

Look at Jordan.

Oh, dude.

Degenerate gambler.

Yeah.

The greatest basketball player who ever walked the face of the fucking earth.

Yes.

And

Pete Rose's dad wasn't taken out.

He comes from the same place, man.

It comes from the same place.

Yeah, same deal.

Well, yeah, because there's a part of you that wants to do risky things if you're willing to go that far.

Yeah.

You have to have that element.

Yeah.

So you kind of want to go like, yeah, he threw a few games with the confidence that the team would still be fine.

That's kind of amazing.

If he did.

That's a guy chasing money.

He's probably.

Well, the thing they said about Jordan was he wouldn't pay.

Yeah, that's, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot of shady shit that happened with him.

Well, that was that golf hustler that beat him out of hundreds of thousands of dollars and then wrote a story about it because Jordan wouldn't pay him.

Then it kind of started getting out.

And then Jordan's dad got murdered.

That's why, yeah.

There's a lot there.

Yeah.

Yeah, the connection with that people may have taken out his dad over gambling debts, which is rarely talking about.

You know, here's another connection that I never considered until recently.

Remember when Cosby's kid got murdered?

Ah, yeah.

I have to say that.

And everybody was like, oh, it's just a random crime.

Maybe not, right?

I don't think it was now.

Well, now, now that you you know what Cosby did.

Imagine if he did that to someone's daughter and they said, oh, well, guess what?

Because he wasn't robbed.

Right.

They didn't take anything.

Right.

He was just changing a tire.

Yeah.

And who knows if he even was.

They could have flagged him down.

Exactly.

Who knows if he even was.

Yeah.

Or who knows if they maybe flattened his tire.

Exactly.

To catch him.

Yeah.

They know he's going to drive, flatten his tire, let him drive off a little bit, and he's eventually going to have to stop and pull over.

It seems so random to just kill someone for fun.

It's rare.

Yeah, very rare.

And when you know what Cosby did, it makes you go, oh, maybe there's something there.

And now the stuff that has come out is so...

Dude, it's so dark.

I heard this lady say that he might be the most prolific serial rapist in history.

I don't doubt it.

But you imagine how insane that is, the guy who is the, you know, Mr.

Huxtable,

Dr.

Huxtable, the head of the fucking family and the most wholesome sitcom.

Everybody loved it.

Crossed the race barrier.

Made everybody think of like this black family who's like incredibly respectful and well put together and how great is this?

Dude, Phil Cosby is amazing.

So that doesn't exist without him.

Right.

Yeah.

Right, right, right.

And he had a gynecology office in his basement, which he just slid past everybody on the show.

He had a gynecology office?

Yeah, Dr.

Huxtable was a gynecologist.

And he was a doctor, and in his basement is where he saw the women, and no one thought anything about it.

Well, how about the one episode that he did about Spanish fly?

Dude,

he would talk about it in his act.

He has like old records of Spanish fly.

Yeah.

Where he's just talking about it like the whole audience is like, yeah, the rape drug.

That's hilarious.

Yeah.

Oh, Bill.

He had a whole episode of the show about his special barbecue sauce.

Yes.

Oh, and everybody started making out with each other.

Yeah.

And

each other.

How crazy is that?

Well, did you ever see the Cosby Mysteries intro?

No.

It's a pill going into a martini, and and then it just says Cosby Mysteries.

What?

Yeah, I think he was more deviant than we actually realized and was leaving these like little taunting breadcrumbs.

I had heard that he was doing that kind of stuff in the 90s when I was on news radio.

I had heard from people that knew him or people that knew of him.

Yeah.

Like that he drugs girls.

I was like, what?

Bill Cosby.

I was like, this is crazy.

This is crazier than Lee Harvey Oswald Acted Alone.

Right.

Like, what are you talking about?

Yeah, I heard he was like a, I heard he had sex with a lot of women, and I was like, well, okay, like, it's a different thing.

Like, that's a, you know, I'm like, whatever.

So he's not spotless, I would assume.

I heard about it in Hollywood.

Yeah.

People knew it was like an inside secret.

But then, like, when I started becoming a comic, and I was doing small stuff, like an ass, like not the HBO Vegas festival.

This is it?

Yeah.

The cosmic mysteries.

Oh, that's weird.

Okay, but this is like reflections in it.

But this is a mystery, like someone's drugging someone.

This was a show about...

This was like a cop show, right?

Yeah, he came back out.

He came back out and did a cop show?

Yeah.

How weird.

It's just crazy that the first thing in it, though, is a drink being drugged.

How weird.

When was the Cosby Mysteries?

Oh, I think it was...

It says 94.

Was it 90?

Yeah, mid-90s.

How long did that last?

I think a season or two.

94.

Yeah, 94.

Yeah.

It didn't last very long.

Wow.

Yeah, people wanted to see him in comedies.

Like, why didn't you have the most loved comedy sitcom star ever?

And his film career wasn't great.

It was like Ghost Dad, and, you know, he did it.

Yeah.

It was all very...

Fat Elbert, there was a story, and I can't remember if it was Fat Elbert, but...

What's his name?

Keenan Thompson was talking about one of the first times he met Bill Cosby.

And he was like, you know, like,

you're going to need two dicks for all the pussy you're going to get.

And he was like, what the fuck?

Like, he just couldn't believe it was like one of the first things Cosby had said to him.

Whoa.

So it's like, he kind of, because you just meet that guy and you kind of wouldn't expect it to switch so hard.

Especially a guy who's been telling people not to.

Especially after Eddie Murphy stories and all that stuff.

Eddie Murphy from Raw.

Yeah, dude.

And he's like,

tell Mr.

Cosby that Richard Pryor said to have a poke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

Do the people laugh?

Do you get paid?

Yeah.

Be ready because when this movie comes out, you're going to need two dicks because the women are going to be all over you.

Sketch comics are called.

Wow.

Yeah, so it was that.

Wow.

And imagine saying that to somebody over Fat Elbert.

He's like, are you sure?

That one?

I think

when he was young, that drugging people was normal.

That's what I think.

I think that whole Spanish fly era where people were just giving people Mickeys, they're putting things in people's drinks.

I think people did that all the fucking time.

I think it was super normal.

And then I think society eventually evolved and people realized how fucking horrible that is.

Yeah.

And then he kept going.

Oh.

That was his move.

Yeah, absolutely.

Especially when he got old and ladies didn't want to fuck him.

They wanted a career.

Yeah.

And they thought maybe Bill Cosby said he's going to help me with my acting.

Next thing, you know, you wake up and your panties are off.

You're like, well, what happened?

And a lot of them, too, when you see like the roles they would get on the Cosby show now, you have like super model-looking women playing a cop.

and it's like he would have private dinners with them, you know, like in his green room.

Just little, like, super shady shit.

Boy.

Yeah, so yeah, like he,

I guarantee you, maybe him

and,

who was it, Jordan?

I met him, Belfour.

You've probably met him too, the Wolf of Wales.

Wolf Street guy?

Yeah.

I'm thinking, like, Cosby and him may have been the last people on earth to ever have Kwaludes.

Like, one of them.

What was Kwaludes like?

I never did Qualudes.

I think they were.

Joey Diaz was a big fan.

See, he's older, soon.

Remember that.

Yeah.

Yeah, because I've heard him talk about it.

Yeah.

But I've never done Quailudes.

I think they were like, I think the last one was like 90s.

Look at that.

She'll do things she's never done before.

Increases sexual.

I don't even think it's real.

Dude, it's an ad for rape.

I know it's real.

But the stuff.

Yeah, it says it comes from parts of a beetle.

That's what they used to say.

So it really works?

Whether it works or not, I would say it really is.

But that's what I'm saying.

I mean, I'm sure it's real

as like a product, but I don't think there's a thing that actually makes you horny.

So it would give you extra, like it's like a pre-Viagra type thing.

Yeah, but that doesn't get you horny.

Like, Viagra is, it just increases blood flow.

Someone had it when I was

maybe, I don't know, in middle school, somebody had it.

Spanish Fly?

Yeah, like a bottle of something that said Spanish Fly.

Okay, Google this.

Does Spanish Fly work?

I ended up in marketing because I

look at all the ads.

look at this love with no strings attached.

It's a flight attendant ad.

I think that's Christian.

Flight attendants were fucking hot back then.

They would hire only hot flight attendants.

They would fire you if you weren't

a Spanish Fly movie.

So just Google this for me.

Does Spanish Fly actually make you aroused?

Dude, if there's a movie, it was popular.

Does it work?

Oh,

let's see.

Spanish fly is not an aphrodisiac.

It's a toxic substance called

carthan cantharidin, cantharidin, derived from blister beetles that can cause severe harm, including pain, burning, and internal damage.

There's no evidence it increases sexual desire.

Ingesting

can be fatal.

While it causes burning sensation in the urinary tract that can provoke an erection,

it is a dangerous side effect, not an aphrodisiac effect.

So it gives you a boner while you're dying.

Yeah.

What would it do to women then if you're

I guess knock you out and that's why they're like, she's horny, bro.

Okay, so just Google this.

Is there a drug that makes you horny?

Just Google that.

It's like, is there a real egg?

Do you have a neck real?

Put it in a chat GPT

perplexity or something.

MDMA, I would, you know, that.

But it makes you loving, right?

It makes you like

kind and want to hug people.

I don't think it makes you sexual.

But if you were rolling, I mean, and like a girl just touched your knee in a way, you were like,

come.

You know, it was just sort of

a soft dick.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what sucked, is it didn't help your libido.

No universally proven aphrodisiac drug exists that reliably increases sexual desire across all individuals.

The concept of an aphrodisiac, a substance that enhances libido or sexual performance, has been around for centuries, but scientific evidence is limited and often inconclusive.

So,

some substances are marketed as that, historical, cultural substances, foods like oysters, okay, chocolate, okay, none of that stuff works.

Medications,

Viagra, but again, these they treat erectile dysfunction by improving blood flow, not by increasing desire.

Yeah, no, no, no, I get it.

Um, hormonal treatments, testosterone therapy, boosts libido.

Yeah, but it's, it doesn't, like, just make you horny out of nowhere.

Yeah, I don't think there's anything

like what is horny goat weed at a gas station?

That's just like poison, right?

Poison.

Bath salts.

Remember bath salts?

Bath salts they used to sell at the gas station, and it was basically like some kind of like horrible drug that they snuck in by saying it was not for human consumption.

Yeah.

But it was a bath salt, so you throw it in the bath.

And then, well, you would consume a human because you remember when the guy ate the dude's face?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that guy in Florida.

But I always feel I've got to put that through the Florida lens.

It only happened in Florida.

That's true.

If it is Florida, you're like, there could have been other elements.

There's a lot of other elements in Florida.

There's a whole lifestyle that could have led to this.

A lot of choices.

But Florida,

that was the place where the pill mills really started popping off.

Because the way Florida had it set up, they had these pain management centers.

And then attached to the pain management centers, they'd have a doctor that would prescribe it for you.

So the whole thing was just to prescribe pain pills.

So you'd go, excuse me, you'd go into the pain management center.

Oh, my back hurts.

Great.

You need this?

Go right next door.

And right next door, all they prescribed was pain pills.

And they didn't have a database.

So you would go there and then you'd go down the street.

Oh, my back hurts.

Oh, great.

Here you go.

And then next door.

And you could just keep doing this over and over again.

And then this documentary, The OxyContin Express, showed how people were loading up the trunks of their cars with these pain pills and driving up north and into Kentucky, into Ohio, and that's where all these people started dying of overdoses and all people got addicted to pills.

There was also one in Richmond, I want to say, right outside of Richmond, a pharmaceutical company that was also largely responsible for it.

Because I remember even being working at a pharmacy and going, like my mom was an RN, so I'd go in there.

I remember the doctors, or not the doctors, but like, I remember companies taking out the doctors to eat or like you'd see like OxyContin reps or you'd sign with a pen that had a painkiller's name on it.

Yep.

All that stuff, I remember.

My wife's mom's a nurse, and she would tell stories about how the pharmaceutical drug companies would take them out to nice steak dinners and treat them really nice, and just the whole thing was like, make sure you push our shrimp.

It was, yeah, give our product to the people coming in.

Tell people how great it is.

How great is our product?

Dude, they used to give a lot.

Like, I was getting my when I got my knee messed up, I got hooked on Oxy

on Vicodin.

And I had taken lots of Vicodin before, but I took a prescribed amount that was just way too many for several months in a row.

And then when I came down, it was one of the sickest times I've ever had to deal with.

I'm like shaking, you know, I'm throwing up every few minutes.

And this was the allowed amount I was supposed to take.

How long did you

four a day for two months?

And then...

And how long was the like the before you became normal again?

Oh, God.

I felt real bad for about four to five days.

Like for me, even even when I quit smoking, like I used to smoke three packs a day for almost 12 years.

Wow.

But I did a lot of acid and shrooms and shit, and it was fun.

You know, like one after the other one, dude, it was, but it felt good, you know?

So, like, yeah, I would do that.

But even that, I locked myself in a room when I was living in L.A.

And I just didn't leave.

I didn't leave the room for a week.

I just got clean.

Dude, I just let my body deal with the pain, and then I left.

So it usually takes me about that long, you know, to really detox my system if it's something that isn't

killer.

Alcohol was hard.

Alcohol was really hard because I had started shaking when I wouldn't drink when I was 16.

Ooh, boy.

So yeah.

So you got addicted to it early.

Dude, very early.

So it's like a genetic thing with your family.

Big time.

And I didn't know about that until later, you know, and like my dad had talked to me a bit before he died.

And like, you know, he died when I was 18.

But

he finally talked to me about what was going on with the family and stuff I hadn't known.

And my uncle, who I figured had died of a heroin overdose.

But my mom's like, he just had a big heart.

And you're like, did he?

Can I just know the truth?

You know?

And it turned out it was lines of years of addiction.

Like, my dad's dad was

an Irish guy.

I left him the day he was born.

Walked in, saw my dad was a twin.

He had a twin sister.

And he goes, I'm not raising two, and walked out.

Oh, boy.

So then he was the opposite dad.

He was loving, coach, all that stuff.

You know,

he turned it.

He was fucked by the government.

Oh, yeah.

And then fucked by the government.

He became a very,

yeah.

It's crazy how that kind of addiction, addiction and mental illness is just fucking hardcore genetic.

And when you have a family that has a long history of mental illness, it's very rare that you're like, I'm fine.

Oh, yeah.

It's very rare that you're an anomaly.

Yeah.

Well, you're fine.

Maybe you're not.

Good.

Yeah.

I just know so many people that are alcoholics that their family's an alcoholic.

Like guys, I had a buddy that he would drink and his eyes would glaze over and it wouldn't be him anymore.

They'd be like, oh, he's gone.

We just got to wait until he comes back because right now it's whatever the fuck happens to him when he drinks.

Just crazy.

Off the rails.

Like didn't remember anything.

Full blackout.

Oh, yeah.

You'd have to tell him you don't remember being on the table with your dick out.

You don't remember?

Yeah.

You didn't remember anything.

I was the guy on that side of the phone calls.

Because they were like, you need to apologize to this person.

Did you blackout?

All the time.

All the time.

So you didn't remember anything?

I wouldn't remember most.

Sometimes I'd brown out, so I'd kind of remember what we did.

There was times where I actually, I was at a party, right?

And then I wake up and I'm handcuffed to a bed in a hospital getting charcoal dumped down.

Oh, getting my stomach pumped.

So I'm like,

oh, something happened.

But I went from like, like being at a party to just being woken up with a charcoal stomach pump.

And I'm like, this isn't good.

Do you talk about any of this stuff on stage?

I do, yeah.

Oh, I imagine.

You have to.

Like, what are you so ripe for material?

Yeah.

I put out a book.

It's called Party One, a Fuzzy Memoir, a little while ago.

And it's all stories of my youth because

I was trying to get it all out.

And then I had to ask people, and I didn't put it out for years because I wanted to be like, hey, is it cool if I change like you talk about?

And everybody was.

And a couple of my friends who are my really good friends, I had to fuck with where I'm like, don't worry.

I change your name from Brian to Ryan so no one knows the

little shit like that.

But yeah, I talk about a lot of this on stage because, dude, I got institutionalized.

I got like,

it was all like crazy.

How'd you get institutionalized?

The story I talk about in the book is what happened the night before,

not the book, but on stage because I have to kind of sum it up.

I actually did it on This Is Not Happening, Ari Show.

And what happened was, was I used to like bong pints and fifths for like a party trick.

And I could carry around a case of beer and, you know, drink that in the night.

And mind you, I'm 5'6.

But then I'm in high school.

I probably weighed 140 pounds, dude.

Like I was.

And

if I wasn't on LSD and I wasn't on mushrooms and I wasn't on K, I was drunk.

Wow.

So I would switch it all up.

And

the night before I had bonged a fifth at a party.

What do you mean by bonged?

You know the beer bongs that you use that have like the funnel and go through?

So, my friend Anthony pulled out this beer bong, and my friend Nick poured an entire fifth of absolute vodka.

And Nick's like, dude, don't do this.

You just drank the whole thing?

Well, they put in a cap full of sprite, then I drank the whole thing.

And, dude, I guess I say this in the story because this is what I was told happened.

I was tap dancing.

I told my girlfriend who I loved that she had orangutan titties, and then

I fell through a table,

a glass table.

Oh, no.

And then, yeah, I ended up getting taken home by the cops.

I don't know exactly what happened, but my mom ended up calling the police, which is, you know, like she didn't know what to do.

I was doing something.

Right.

And they arrested me, and I was institutionalized for two weeks.

And I stayed with a kid who thought he was a werewolf.

So you had to go to a mental health institution?

I went to a mental health institution because

they didn't realize it was an addiction.

They just arrested me because my behavior was so erratic.

Oh.

And I remember getting getting there and I met my, and I'm not kidding, I met my roommate who was a, he was a werewolf.

That's what he believed.

And I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want to stay with him.

And they're like, well, he's not really a werewolf.

I'm like, yeah, I know.

What happens when the moon turns full?

Well, he attacked me.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

So, and they hit you.

What they do is they grab a tank, a trank, it's called Booty Juice.

And they hit you in the butt with it.

And like the guards will fight you off.

But after two weeks, they're like, he's not.

It's not so much that he's got mental illness, which he does, but he's an alcoholic.

He's a severe alcoholic.

But your roommate, the werewolf.

Yeah.

He attacked you when the moon turned white.

Yeah, one night he just started howling.

And I don't even think wolves howl.

And he was way bigger than me.

You don't think wolves howl?

Werewolves.

They do.

Yeah.

American werewolf in London.

But he was barking, too.

And this.

Patients say sedative known as booty juice injected against their will.

Yeah.

Growing number of children and teenagers admitted voluntarily to North Texas for-profit psychiatric hospitals told WFAA they've been injected with powerful sedative drugs without their parents' knowledge.

Booty juice.

Yeah, which that kid deserved it.

They shouldn't have called the parents and go, hey, your wolf boy is fucking naked trying to eat a guy.

Was he naked when he was a kid?

He took all his clothes off because he thought he was a werewolf, dude.

So tell me what that was this like.

Well, he's jumping on top of me and I grabbed a lamp to hit him with it, but it was fucking glued down because it's a mental hospital.

So that just kind of made me open my arms to him.

And he's on top trying to bite me, and I'm like holding him back.

And that's when they came in and they run at him, they ran at him, they hit him with the syringe, they pulled him off me, and I'm just sitting there like, I don't want to be here.

Like, I'm, I'll never drink again, you know, like basically crying like a bitch.

Like, and you know, I'll never drink again was like my catchphrase through the monies.

So

they pull him out of there, and then, you know,

and then eventually they sent me off to a rehab where I spent, I think I spent 45 days there.

And I heard it's not there anymore, which is a shame because a lot of kids do need that now.

And I heard they took it down.

Like, it's no longer there.

And I went there.

And the second I got out, I didn't drink.

I didn't drink for like a month.

But the second I got in my friend's car, I hit a joint.

And I'm not saying that that's bad, but it's like, dude, the second I was, I was, they're like, you can't drink, right?

And I'm like, yeah, like, but you can smoke weed.

I'm like, yeah, that would, yeah, that would be a joint.

So I immediately hit a joint.

Oh my God, Dave.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

And that's what it's kind of amazing that you're here.

Dude, yeah, I gotta a lot of shit.

Like, you look great, though.

Thank you.

For a guy who's gone through as much shit as you?

Yeah, like...

Three packs a day, alcohol, acid.

Dude, so much acid.

D-U-Is.

Falls through the table.

Look at you fine.

You know what is interesting, though?

All the drugs now, because like I told you, I was a real kind of depressed kid.

And all the drugs that I did to treat depression are now used to treat depression.

Mushrooms, ketamine, all that shit, dude.

Right.

Like, I spent five years in high school when it turns out I was completely accurate with my studies of how these drugs would help me.

You were self-medicating.

And I was accurate with it.

Yeah.

Because, dude, I would do K and I'd just be sitting there in a K-hole in class.

Just think the desk is moving.

Jesus, dude.

And acid was the most fun to do in class because your teacher's face is melting and you're just sitting there like, it's so much fun.

Wow.

But

I was a mess, but at the same time, so many of my friends were, too.

It wasn't like just me.

Right.

So it felt normal.

Yeah.

Like, I mean, I was the worst of them and technically slowest because I was arrested more than...

anybody.

They were the most fun.

What did you think you were going to do for a living back then?

The only thing I ever loved was acting and comedy.

Oh, okay.

My dad would wake me up when I was a kid to watch SNL.

And it wasn't something that him and my brother, they'd watch like baseball and stuff.

But we'd watch SNL together.

We would watch old movies with like John Candy, Steve Martin, like all those people.

And then he introduced me to Stand-Up.

And my dad bought me.

He bought me Kinnison, Carlin.

He bought me Carlin Classic Gold on tape when I was nine.

Wow.

Which had seven dirty words and all that.

He bought me Dangerfield, button-down mind to Bob Newhart, Eddie Murphy.

He showed me Delirious when I was like eight.

Wow.

And I, dude, I still laughed so hard because that, like, uh, the whole bid he does about the hamburger was so relevant then.

Like, I got McDonald's at home, and he's like, You can't have none.

You on the welfare.

And I knew what that meant then, and I was crying laughing because I loved Eddie Murphy, you know.

So he introduced me to comedy, and the only thing I had any interest in was that.

And one day, Second City opened up in Detroit.

And I was pissing this teacher off somewhat, and she stopped me after class.

And she goes, do you know what Second City is?

And I go, yeah, my dad's told me about it.

It's like where all these SNL people came from.

And she's like, yeah, you're actually really funny, but you're a fucking pain in the ass in my class.

And I was like, okay.

That's a cool teacher.

It really was.

And she goes,

she goes, you should.

consider taking classes there.

And I said, wow.

Okay.

So after my fifth year, the first thing I did was I listened to her and my dad, and I signed up for Second City.

And dude, years later, I'm doing improv on stage with this group, Motor City Improv.

And like, it's more bar prov.

You're just fucking around, you know.

Right.

But

one of the guys in the group was, hey, my wife's going to come too.

And it was my teacher.

And I got to do improv with her years later.

Wow.

And it was really cool, man.

Cause like she, it was the first time somebody didn't scold me.

They stopped me to go like, you genuinely have something and you're not just this waste.

Right.

And no one had ever, besides my parents, but nobody else had ever said that before.

Well, that's so cool that she was already in that world so she understood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We were actually just having a conversation about that last night in the green room.

Not last night, night before.

And we were talking about times in your life that someone could have just told you, this is

behavior like a stand-up comedian.

Like, that's a real job.

Yeah.

You know how you like fixing cars and you could be a mechanic?

You know how you like talking shit?

You're funny.

Everybody laughs?

This is a job.

Like, just, but everybody just tells you you're a fucking loser and you're never going to mount to anything and get out of my class.

And that's, and I was very lucky.

Like my parents, my dad had, had, was just about to pass when I told him, I think I'm going to do Second City and then take this film class up in Lansing, Michigan, which is what I did.

I did film and I did that and I would go back and forth.

And he was like, you should.

That's what you've always wanted to do.

Like I had a camera in my hand since I was a kid.

Like my parents never wanted me to have a backup plan.

They were like, find something you love.

like that's you know and and we were really only torn apart as a family because of what we experienced you know from my dad just being screwed yeah

so we were if i think if i had even a more direct line i may have gotten there sooner you know but i was i was angry and depressed and pissed off or you know my my whole attitude was fuck you fuck the system yeah so there when i finally found that outlet it was wonderful dude especially when you're writing sketches and watching them come to life and you're ripping on the people that have fucked you over.

And there's such a good feeling about that.

And a lot of people that I met have gone on to do great things.

Like I was in a troop with Sam Richardson, who went on to do Detroiters.

And, you know, there's Tim Robinson, who I didn't know him well or anything, but we did improv a couple times.

And it's cool to see him skyrocket with I Think You Should Leave and all these other stuff.

And Keegan Michael Key was somebody that was out of the Detroit chapter.

So there's like some really cool people that ended up coming out of there.

What was the stand-up scene like?

Like, what was the big club?

The big club was Mark Ridley's comedy cast.

Okay, I heard that before.

Yeah, and I started.

That's supposed to be a great spot.

Dude, it's unbelievable.

And he was the guy who you wanted to do stand-up in front of because he was there every night tearing tickets.

Dude, he was a part of it from the late 70s until he had a heart attack maybe around 2010.

His son, Ryan Ridley, was the head writer of Rick and Morty.

Oh, wow.

So he, dude, he's a great dude.

And

you just had Mike Costa on.

Yes.

Mike was in my group when I started.

Oh, no, kids.

Yeah, he was one of the people that I started with.

And then a guy named Matt McClowry, he's actually featuring for me this weekend, who's unbelievably funny, dude.

At the mother show?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah.

He's got Asperger's.

Adam knows him.

And dude, he's funny.

Yeah, yeah.

If any luck, he'll think he's a lady.

Well, he doesn't think he's a werewolf.

But yeah, dude, he's a beast.

And like, we had a pretty cool group when we started where we weren't kissing each other's ass.

We were all just trying to figure it out.

Oh, that's great.

So we would like criticize each other.

And like we've all done pretty well considering like where people have gone off to, you know, at least in the sense of making money and making a living, you know, making people laugh.

That's awesome.

We were lucky because there was like 10 different clubs in Detroit where you could go like, okay, I'll go do Ridley's in the suburbs, but then I can go do a super urban room.

you know, in the city and I can get used to that audience.

Then I can go to Ann Arbor and I can be in a bunch of, in front of liberals at the showcase or at the Heidelberg Heidelberg Project and then I can go you know so you could go all over and you could experience every kind of audience you could ever be in front of at 10 different places in a week that's awesome it was really cool that's awesome listen dude this was a lot of fun thank you i really like talking to you i'm glad you're alive thank you listen to your stories it's kind of a miracle that you made it this far but uh you're a good dude and it's always fun to have you at the club it's been a lot of fun thank you i'm excited to see you this weekend i appreciate it joe thank you very much pleasure brother.

Tell everybody how they can find you, all your stuff online.

Oh, you can go to DaveLandau.com.

I have everything on there.

You can check out tour dates and everything.

And also, yeah, I guess I brought up my book, Party of Wanna Fuzzy Memoir.

It did really well on Amazon.

Nice.

And yeah, a lot of people have enjoyed it.

And a lot of the stories will be much funnier to you than they were for me to live.

So I hope you enjoy it.

All right.

Beautiful.

All right.

Thanks, brother.

Thank you.

Bye, everybody.

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