Special Episode: It’s Worse Than We Thought

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Speaker 14 Welcome to The Knife. I'm Patia Eaton, and don't worry, Hannah will be back with us next week.

Speaker 14 Today, we're hearing from a woman named Alan who met a captivating man that quickly seemed to be falling in love with her.

Speaker 14 But as their relationship deepened, Alan began to see that she'd been taken down a dark path of deception. Jake Tiptula spoke with Alan on his podcast, Lovelust Fear, which he hosts.

Speaker 14 Lovelust Fear exposes real stories about toxic dating and relationships. Hannah and I are such fans of the show and wanted to share this episode with all of you.

Speaker 14 Jake has such a compassionate way of speaking with his guests like Alan, who bravely share their most personal stories.

Speaker 16 Let's get into the episode.

Speaker 17 The story you're about to hear on Lovelust Fear is true. Some names, places, and other identifying details may have changed to protect the storyteller.

Speaker 17 Lovelust, fear may contain graphic language and depictions of sensitive situations. Please listen with caution.

Speaker 17 Next, on Love Lust, Fear.

Speaker 18 I know what a type of person I was looking for, the characteristics.

Speaker 23 I've always been pretty clear on that.

Speaker 27 And I thought, oh, maybe that, you know, this guy is coming across my path for a reason or something.

Speaker 29 And I swiped yes.

Speaker 31 He was all the things that I hadn't hadn't experienced in conversations prior with people and that was something that really drew me in and that I appreciated about him.

Speaker 39 Within less than a week, he told me that he loved me.

Speaker 41 That was right after our first FaceTime within probably 20 minutes of us getting off the phone. At that same time, he told me that he wanted to have kids with me, couldn't wait.

Speaker 36 for me to be their mom.

Speaker 21 Within two hours, probably two hours of being there, I was with his mom.

Speaker 47 They said, Alan and him are going to be coming by.

Speaker 33 They're with us now.

Speaker 50 We'll all be together later or something.

Speaker 27 And the person said,

Speaker 44 who's Alan?

Speaker 33 Who's that? I can't keep track of them.

Speaker 53 So it went from I'm single to she has stuff here.

Speaker 56 She needs to come get the rest of her stuff to I'm moving it into a storage unit.

Speaker 58 to I hear her in the background one night and she's coming to get her stuff.

Speaker 59 She just showed up to she actually found out about you and now she's refusing to leave

Speaker 17 from her childhood through young adulthood Alan battled chronic illness which often left her feeling isolated and kept her from engaging in social activities including dating by the time she reached her mid-20s she found herself watching others build relationships and she couldn't help but feel like she was missing out so she turned to online dating Eager to expand her options beyond her small community, Alan stepped out of her comfort zone and set her sights on Montana, seeking a fresh start, peace of mind, and the chance to find the right partner.

Speaker 17 It didn't take long for Alan to become swept up in a whirlwind romance. Within months, her new partner was telling her he loved her, asking her to be his girlfriend, and even proposing.

Speaker 17 But when she learned about the lingering presence of his ex-girlfriend, doubt crept in. Alan began questioning the trust and stability of the relationship.

Speaker 17 What followed was a painful journey of shock, betrayal, and devastation.

Speaker 18 My childhood didn't ever look normal.

Speaker 32 I started having health issues around age 10 or 11.

Speaker 65 And so in terms of dating, that also looked vastly different. I had a few high school boyfriends.

Speaker 27 Obviously, nothing really that was super serious or anything, just some fun kind of flings.

Speaker 72 In college, I did not date at all, which I was pretty sick and going through a lot of treatments.

Speaker 41 It was pretty quiet at that time.

Speaker 18 I was the guinea pig to have a Tinder in college for my friend group.

Speaker 30 Again, I wasn't dating, but it was more so an experiment of we just really want to see what it's like and who's out there.

Speaker 9 And I think my roommates honestly all had boyfriends or something, but they were like, Alan, you need to get this.

Speaker 64 We want to see what it's like.

Speaker 54 And we would swipe and be like, oh my God, we know that person or I can't believe it looks like this or something.

Speaker 27 Later in my mid-20s, my close friends were in serious relationships, married.

Speaker 73 I realized I'm not in college anymore.

Speaker 27 I'm working, but I'm not going out a ton or doing things where I necessarily might meet someone the old-fashioned way as easily.

Speaker 82 For a while, I also was an event planner and worked a lot of weddings.

Speaker 13 And I had quite a few couples who started coming through who had met via dating apps.

Speaker 84 And then kind of from there, I think I opened up more when I first joined, was living in my hometown.

Speaker 42 And so I feel like half the people I knew from growing up and were kind of automatic knows for me.

Speaker 86 So I feel like I kind of developed a really fast filtration system for going through people.

Speaker 19 My friends will say that I'm notorious for going through profiles very quickly.

Speaker 55 And I just felt like, well, if I've waited this long, I'm going to be picky or I have a standard or I know what a type of person I was looking for, the characteristics.

Speaker 23 I've always been pretty clear on that.

Speaker 50 My criteria was something more serious and committed in hopes of finding my person in marriage and all the things that I had kind of been shown and was striving for in life, I guess.

Speaker 13 I had kind of a tumultuous start of 2023.

Speaker 30 I'd done a lot of personal work and finally had my health dialed in and felt like I wanted a little bit of a change.

Speaker 24 I'm able to work remotely.

Speaker 76 And I have always had a love of Montana.

Speaker 60 I wanted to get out there for a while, for a few years and spend some time and just kind of experience it.

Speaker 80 I had kind of an interest in possibly moving there.

Speaker 30 So I set it up to where I was going to be out there for a month.

Speaker 94 I was out there and I had moved my location on the apps. I was going to be on the apps and just see what that was and meet people.

Speaker 30 I'd been there for a while and I was actually leaving town.

Speaker 30 I had to come back home for a wedding and he came across on Bumble and I knew I had kind of this criteria in my mind of what I look for in profiles in terms of photos or what's included in a bio or not.

Speaker 98 And he didn't.

Speaker 73 meet that.

Speaker 30 He looked cute, but I was like,

Speaker 100 just Alan, no, it's no.

Speaker 37 And I swiped no.

Speaker 35 The next day,

Speaker 82 he came back around.

Speaker 84 His profile popped up again, but it looked a little bit different.

Speaker 30 There were some more photos and there was a little bit more to the bio.

Speaker 60 Nothing crazy, but just a little bit more.

Speaker 103 And I'm kind of a believer in timing and

Speaker 30 you know what's meant to be.

Speaker 27 And I thought, oh, maybe that, you know, this guy's coming across my path for a reason or something.

Speaker 29 And I swiped yes.

Speaker 33 And

Speaker 103 we matched.

Speaker 80 I was again leaving town.

Speaker 105 So I knew that I wouldn't meet him right away.

Speaker 30 But I was open to something with distance or just getting to know someone.

Speaker 26 I loved it out there.

Speaker 76 I was open to coming back.

Speaker 44 And I messaged him.

Speaker 30 It was on Bumble.

Speaker 69 So I had to do it first.

Speaker 107 And I said something generic, like, hey, how's it going?

Speaker 44 And he responded and

Speaker 21 said,

Speaker 107 hey, dream woman.

Speaker 19 with hard eyes.

Speaker 30 To me, that was an ick.

Speaker 35 I get the icks pretty quick, but I, again, was trying to be open.

Speaker 42 I was trying not to just write everything off.

Speaker 30 I thought in the scheme of the profiles I'm seeing, he looked pretty good.

Speaker 107 And I was just like, give him a chance, give him a chance.

Speaker 50 And so I responded and I kind of made a little joke of it.

Speaker 9 And I said, you know, big shoes to Phil.

Speaker 23 He was.

Speaker 13 charming.

Speaker 64 He was charismatic.

Speaker 53 He was attentive.

Speaker 30 He was interested. He was interesting.

Speaker 20 He was a hard worker, which is something I value a lot.

Speaker 23 He was

Speaker 57 single,

Speaker 73 which I value.

Speaker 21 He was

Speaker 13 looking for something serious,

Speaker 51 getting to know him in an open and honest way.

Speaker 30 And it felt just easy, and I enjoyed that aspect of it. He was all the things that I hadn't experienced in conversations prior with people.

Speaker 65 And that was something that really drew me in and that I appreciated about him.

Speaker 107 Something that happens a lot and happened a lot on the apps was that things were kind of hyper-sexualized and things would turn sexual a lot or people would want photos or would want to really change into just talking about looks or it would go a certain direction very quickly.

Speaker 81 So

Speaker 36 even if something, you know, started with a compliment, I always felt pretty uncomfortable.

Speaker 20 comfortable with that because I feel like I knew where it would go.

Speaker 11 And that's another thing about him that I appreciate is that it never went there.

Speaker 28 He never asked for anything.

Speaker 83 And

Speaker 112 from there, I was just engaged and hooked.

Speaker 70 And FaceTime's a big thing for me.

Speaker 30 Cause I'm like, if I can't physically be with you, I want to see kind of what I'm looking at and who I'm talking to.

Speaker 113 And so we did a FaceTime not many days later.

Speaker 30 It was super late, you know, time change.

Speaker 48 He was a little bit later than me.

Speaker 115 And I remember he was in his truck and he had the console light on and he kind of bent down and looked at the phone and his very first thing he ever said was, well, you're cute.

Speaker 76 But it was kind of in like a tone of that'll do.

Speaker 30 It didn't feel complimentary.

Speaker 9 I know it was said in a complimentary way, but I feel like I've received that compliment before and it didn't feel the same.

Speaker 31 It was kind of more of like a sizing me up thing.

Speaker 39 Within less than a week, he told me that he loved me.

Speaker 41 That was right after our first FaceTime within probably 20 minutes of us getting off the phone. At that same time, he told me that he wanted to have kids with me.

Speaker 36 Couldn't wait for me to be their mom.

Speaker 24 The I love you part

Speaker 117 was

Speaker 54 quick.

Speaker 13 I felt honestly like it was flirty and harmless.

Speaker 29 And I say that because I feel like there have been far worse.

Speaker 27 things said to me or far worse comments.

Speaker 29 Guys who have said totally slimy things or asked for things or made comments about my my body, or the way that I look, or things like that, that I have just felt like were much more dangerous or damaging.

Speaker 81 So I felt like, I see this, I see you, you're not that dangerous.

Speaker 88 You just are kind of being dumb right now, is honestly what I felt like that was.

Speaker 82 But it wasn't to where it made me extremely uncomfortable like other people had before.

Speaker 41 The FaceTime Connect was

Speaker 41 fun. It was exciting.

Speaker 119 He felt, to me, like he hit all the things that I was looking for.

Speaker 20 I also kind of felt a little bit of, thank God, that there's someone out there.

Speaker 13 You know, I need to get to know this person more, but there's someone that I can actually feel like matches kind of what I'm looking for and has these qualities and I can have a conversation with.

Speaker 89 And that felt like a good step forward down the path that I've been wanting to go down for a while.

Speaker 23 He had called me and he he said, what are you doing 4th of July?

Speaker 98 And I said, nothing.

Speaker 91 He said, well, why don't you come out?

Speaker 82 I'd love to spend time together.

Speaker 83 And that meant a lot to me because I felt like, again, it spoke to he's serious.

Speaker 103 He has an intention behind this.

Speaker 102 He's not just all talk.

Speaker 29 And I was open to it.

Speaker 114 Again, I loved it out there.

Speaker 26 I felt like it was kind of an adventure and it was fun.

Speaker 40 And why wouldn't I?

Speaker 102 And at that point, we had been talking for a while.

Speaker 30 But prior to that, before I booked booked my flight, I called him and I said it kind of in a jokey way.

Speaker 25 I have my little bank of questions, but I said, Hey, I just want to double-check before I do this.

Speaker 99 You don't have any wives or weird hobbies.

Speaker 76 I had been talking to someone for a while, and then it turned out that he was like a tarantula lover and how he had 12 tarantulas.

Speaker 80 They scare me.

Speaker 116 And so he knew that we had talked about it.

Speaker 30 And I just want to know if I'm getting into anything weird before I come out there. And he said, and again, I loved this about him.

Speaker 58 He said, nope, no no wives or snakes or weird things he said I do have a DUI from a bad decision when I was younger but no domestic stuff or fights or anything like that's it and I was like

Speaker 61 okay like that was honest that was straight up I obviously don't love that there's anything on the record but I value the honesty and like being transparent about that.

Speaker 76 So I ended up flying out there.

Speaker 103 That's the first time I met him was over the 4th of July weekend.

Speaker 33 We had a magical weekend.

Speaker 88 That weekend was a total lightning bolt.

Speaker 52 I felt like a movie in a lot of ways.

Speaker 20 He wrote that perfectly.

Speaker 30 I felt like finally someone knows what they want and are speaking that out into existence.

Speaker 19 Part of what happened so quickly is that we were intertwined with each other's families and that happened very, very fast.

Speaker 91 That's a value that's near and dear to my heart.

Speaker 102 It's probably one of the biggest ones.

Speaker 107 And he knew that and he introduced me to his family very quickly.

Speaker 30 He and I were sitting out on the deck and he's basically telling me, you don't know how big of a deal it is that you and I are allowed here.

Speaker 34 We're on his family property.

Speaker 32 And he said, you know, my parents don't allow anyone here.

Speaker 109 It's such a big deal that you're here and that you and I have this space to ourselves.

Speaker 44 And that's when I said, well, what did you tell your parents?

Speaker 64 He said, that, you know, that you're my girlfriend.

Speaker 116 It's a head tilt. And you're like, what?

Speaker 76 I felt like I love that I don't have to question where I'm at with him.

Speaker 34 And so I appreciated that.

Speaker 88 And on the other hand, I felt like kind of just told me what we are.

Speaker 28 You didn't ask.

Speaker 102 It's not like I'm asking you to do some big, huge thing to become my boyfriend, but I think a conversation's warranted if you're entering into a relationship and that didn't happen.

Speaker 54 And so that was how that conversation started.

Speaker 101 Obviously, my friends, my close friends, they think it's their favorite game to track me and track my location.

Speaker 50 They think I'm a little sim or something.

Speaker 48 They know I'm going to meet him and everything.

Speaker 81 And they're like, we see you've landed.

Speaker 9 We see you're, you know, here. How's it going?

Speaker 80 And everyone's texting me.

Speaker 74 And then he said, well, let's take a picture and send it to them.

Speaker 54 So we took our first picture together.

Speaker 83 And,

Speaker 19 you know, when my friends asked me how it's going, we have this picture of us beautiful sunset time on the deck smiling.

Speaker 30 And I sent it to my friends.

Speaker 18 And I said, having a boyfriend or whatever.

Speaker 72 And I have all these responses and replies of them saying, oh my gosh, like like you're in love.

Speaker 29 Look at your face.

Speaker 64 Like we know you're moving.

Speaker 85 I just looked happy.

Speaker 19 That was great until we hit our first road bump.

Speaker 111 He invited me on a big family trip.

Speaker 30 It was a big deal for their family.

Speaker 84 There was a lot going on.

Speaker 16 It was something that they do annually, but it was everyone.

Speaker 102 It was mom, dad.

Speaker 60 brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone.

Speaker 35 Again, you can say fast.

Speaker 30 And I felt that and I felt nerves, but I also felt like what we were going to do and where we were going was something that was so up my alley.

Speaker 45 It sounded so fun.

Speaker 42 And I also felt like I cherished family, he cherished family.

Speaker 55 And I felt honored that he would invite me to do that.

Speaker 62 And that I would have that opportunity and that opportunity to meet a lot of people at once.

Speaker 58 And, you know, that was kind of rare.

Speaker 22 I feel like within two hours, probably two hours of being there, and I was with his mom.

Speaker 46 His dad was outside with him working on something.

Speaker 30 And his mom was with me.

Speaker 102 And she, she ended up on the phone on speaker with someone.

Speaker 47 And they said, Alan and, and him are going to be coming by.

Speaker 33 They're with us now.

Speaker 49 We'll all be together later or something.

Speaker 27 And the person said,

Speaker 44 Who's Alan?

Speaker 33 I, who's that? I can't keep track of them.

Speaker 30 And his mom's face just goes blank.

Speaker 69 It's on speakerphone.

Speaker 25 I'm just kind of standing there smiling and looking out the window like, can't escape this.

Speaker 69 And she gets off the phone and she says, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 64 You know how family is.

Speaker 80 And I said, you know, it's fine.

Speaker 123 I said, does he date a lot of people?

Speaker 64 And she said, oh, no, but you know his situation with his ex.

Speaker 115 And I said, actually, I don't.

Speaker 41 I said, all I know is that it's an ex and that you guys really do not feel fondly of her.

Speaker 35 That was always the narrative I got was that it was a very tumultuous relationship, that he had been in with her and it was rocky and it was kind of back and forth sometimes and that the family had very strong opinions about it.

Speaker 37 And that's all I know.

Speaker 62 And she said, oh, and she's kind of shooing me out the door.

Speaker 30 And she said, oh, well, yeah, you guys can talk about that.

Speaker 31 Talk about a gut punch.

Speaker 54 And I go walls up when I get triggered sometimes or just, I'm like, I'm supposed to be here for literally a week with these people.

Speaker 20 And the person who I thought was my partner or had my back in this, I'm now questioning.

Speaker 18 And so he and I were in the truck after that.

Speaker 50 We had to drop his mom off somewhere.

Speaker 76 And so they were in the front seat. I was in the back seat.

Speaker 53 We dropped her off.

Speaker 9 And he says, how's your time with my mom?

Speaker 30 And I said, well, what's going on with your ex?

Speaker 20 And he

Speaker 79 paused for a minute.

Speaker 66 He got quiet.

Speaker 34 And then he said, I knew she would do this.

Speaker 9 And I said, well, what's she talking about then?

Speaker 70 And he said, that's my mom, classic my mom.

Speaker 60 She's always got to stir the pot.

Speaker 116 She's always got to say something.

Speaker 30 He said, there's nothing going on.

Speaker 94 I said, well, why is she eluding?

Speaker 9 What, what is she even talking about?

Speaker 20 We kind of went back and forth, back and forth. And we pull up, we're checking into our hotel.

Speaker 76 And I'm freaking in the back seat.

Speaker 36 Like, what are we even doing here?

Speaker 64 And he comes around and he opens the door.

Speaker 29 He lays his head on my lap and he says, babe, you have nothing to worry about.

Speaker 13 I'm so, so sorry.

Speaker 88 And we get to the hotel room and I look him dead in the eyes.

Speaker 58 And I say, if you have anything to tell me, you need to tell me now.

Speaker 26 He said, I don't understand what she would even be talking about, why she would bring that up.

Speaker 60 And he says, there is nothing.

Speaker 30 He said, my family really has issues with her.

Speaker 11 They don't think fondly of her.

Speaker 30 It's a sticking point, but there's nothing going on.

Speaker 125 His family was also backing it up.

Speaker 63 And I said, okay.

Speaker 30 And that is what I was told. Multiple times throughout that week, she was brought up.

Speaker 99 I was mistaken for her.

Speaker 30 And that was a really, really tough week for me.

Speaker 71 We were on FaceTime

Speaker 18 and I seen his house and asked him to show me around because multiple times my dad had said, oh, you haven't been to his house.

Speaker 64 That's weird.

Speaker 20 And I said, dad, like, come on.

Speaker 50 I know it's weird, but also it just hadn't happened that way.

Speaker 111 We had been traveling a lot.

Speaker 70 We had been doing stuff.

Speaker 115 And I said, I know, but.

Speaker 70 I've seen it on FaceTime.

Speaker 13 He's walked me around.

Speaker 64 I've seen stuff.

Speaker 85 And so this time when we were on FaceTime, he happened to be upstairs in a bed.

Speaker 88 And it hit me because the bed had red sheets and a fuzzy blanket.

Speaker 100 And everyone knows that's not normal.

Speaker 44 And I said, where are you?

Speaker 18 And he said, I'm in my room.

Speaker 80 And I said, I want to see it.

Speaker 94 And he said, no.

Speaker 44 And I said, you better show me that room right now.

Speaker 36 And he panned the room really quickly.

Speaker 99 And all you see is stuff and boxes and piles of stuff.

Speaker 52 And I said, is that girl stuff?

Speaker 123 And he said, well, yeah.

Speaker 60 And that was the first time that it was introduced that she was not present.

Speaker 59 And from there, the narrative consistently changed.

Speaker 54 The goalpost consistently changed.

Speaker 53 So it went from I'm single to she has stuff here.

Speaker 57 She needs to come get the rest of her stuff to I'm moving it into a storage unit to I hear her in the background one night and she's coming to get her stuff.

Speaker 59 She just showed up to she actually found out about you and now she's refusing to leave.

Speaker 60 She's on the lease and I can't get her to leave.

Speaker 30 It just consistently changed.

Speaker 18 It was always that they were not together.

Speaker 52 Her presence in our life and in our relationship grew throughout the months.

Speaker 58 And I said, okay.

Speaker 50 And I pressed him on it.

Speaker 30 I said, what else is there?

Speaker 20 I said, do you share anything?

Speaker 25 Will there be a Netflix bill that comes up in a few months?

Speaker 34 Is there anything that she's still on?

Speaker 106 And, you know, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 26 It's really this.

Speaker 30 And so, you know, he was working really hard at the time.

Speaker 78 I bought him a massage that day.

Speaker 64 He went and had his massage.

Speaker 56 He did the storage unit.

Speaker 94 He was so excited.

Speaker 70 He sent me a photo.

Speaker 118 He sent his family a photo.

Speaker 29 His family was aware of this.

Speaker 64 You know, he sent them a photo.

Speaker 24 And so when he came to see me, my narrative was it's separated and done.

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Speaker 45 He's very smart.

Speaker 91 And so these things would happen,

Speaker 103 but it would always be flipped in a way to where I would either feel bad for him and the stress that it put him under or what he was going through, he would become distraught that I was distraught or he would become upset that I was upset.

Speaker 85 And so I felt like, well, if he's having those feelings, I didn't feel like I was being duped.

Speaker 38 I felt like, oh, we're in this together and this is a crappy situation.

Speaker 23 And I felt like we were kind of on a team against this person who, if you could just go away, it would be so much easier kind of thing.

Speaker 30 His behavior flipped a lot right after that 4th of July weekend and when we were initially together.

Speaker 51 So prior to that, he was always available, answered every call, gave me so much time, was on phone calls, FaceTime, texting, all this stuff.

Speaker 30 And then after that is really when you see the behavior start to flip a little bit.

Speaker 74 And it's not that he wasn't there.

Speaker 20 It's just that a little less available or would miss a phone call or I'm really tired.

Speaker 58 Can we talk tomorrow?

Speaker 117 Or I would get a little less and less and it would change a little bit.

Speaker 51 You know, that's after I'm already hooked and in and it would shift a little bit.

Speaker 58 It was definitely a turning point.

Speaker 35 It left me, the phrase I kind of always use is just strung out.

Speaker 52 We spent a lot of time together and I really met his extended family and then he's in town.

Speaker 82 He came in.

Speaker 30 He was going to meet my parents.

Speaker 95 We're around that day.

Speaker 53 We had talked about marriage before.

Speaker 108 We had talked about kids, how we would want to raise kids, what we want that to look like, everything.

Speaker 44 So we were having very serious conversations.

Speaker 110 This wasn't just where do you want to go for a dinner type of relationship.

Speaker 58 And we were out that day.

Speaker 123 And he said, do you want to go to a jewelry store?

Speaker 67 I'd really like to go look at rings.

Speaker 54 So this was, you know, prior conversation.

Speaker 111 And I said, I kind of knew what I would want to do in terms of a ring.

Speaker 63 I kind of have a plan with some jewelry that is in our family.

Speaker 20 And I also knew that the jeweler here, it's a small town.

Speaker 50 And I was like, I know that that will get back to my mom.

Speaker 16 I said, it's okay.

Speaker 31 We don't need to do that.

Speaker 40 We talked about it at lunch.

Speaker 90 What type of ring would you want?

Speaker 88 What do you want it to look like?

Speaker 19 We had that conversation.

Speaker 30 Then we go to dinner with my parents.

Speaker 72 It's great.

Speaker 71 We are at home at my house, and he's on cloud.

Speaker 67 We're both on cloud nine, but he is just over the top.

Speaker 83 And

Speaker 50 it comes out, you know, would you marry me?

Speaker 34 And I said, yes.

Speaker 46 And he's crying.

Speaker 24 He's so just elated.

Speaker 19 We were having a really intimate conversation.

Speaker 94 And he said, oh my gosh, you didn't even say, yeah.

Speaker 34 You said, you actually said yes.

Speaker 74 And I,

Speaker 16 I was like, yeah, this isn't an LOL moment.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I said the full Y-E yes, you know, and that was that.

Speaker 30 And I don't think I was hesitant to accept it because I was so in love and I knew that this was the person I was going to spend my life with.

Speaker 34 It also was not at all how I envisioned accepting a proposal.

Speaker 68 There are things where I felt like, I want the one knee, I want the ring, I want him to know my brother.

Speaker 80 He didn't have a chance to meet my brother.

Speaker 70 And at that point in time, there were some things that were going on in our relationship that needed to be worked on.

Speaker 16 So again, I felt like I'm in love with you.

Speaker 76 I accept this.

Speaker 90 This is a commitment that I'm making, but this isn't something that I'm again going around and sharing.

Speaker 30 He says, I we need to call and FaceTime my sister.

Speaker 32 And I love his sister.

Speaker 87 I said, I really don't want to do that and tell people.

Speaker 30 I don't feel right about that.

Speaker 36 My family and I are extremely, extremely close.

Speaker 30 And I would feel, I don't feel right telling part of yours and not telling mine.

Speaker 50 It's that's not how I do it in my family.

Speaker 106 I know better than that.

Speaker 97 And

Speaker 29 he said, please, she loves you. She'll be so excited for us.

Speaker 19 And he just, he worked me, worked me, worked me until finally we're sitting on FaceTime calling his sister and she's screaming, crying, elated, asking how he did it and all this stuff.

Speaker 13 So his sister is the only one who knew.

Speaker 26 We asked her not to tell anyone.

Speaker 32 I never told anyone.

Speaker 51 I knew it would eventually happen, but I never told anyone in my family.

Speaker 29 I told my mom would ask and I'd say, we've talked about marriage.

Speaker 24 I said, I think I'll be engaged by the end of the year.

Speaker 62 We had those conversations.

Speaker 106 So she knew it was coming and everything, but didn't know that we'd actually had that event occur.

Speaker 60 But when we were with his sister, she would introduce me to friends or to random people or whatever as his fiancé.

Speaker 52 And so it was a very double life, a little bit that we lived there.

Speaker 21 It's separated and done.

Speaker 91 The night.

Speaker 60 after he left here, after the engagement, is the first night that I heard another woman in the background.

Speaker 50 And that was her.

Speaker 37 And that is when I realized that she was not gone and that he was not truthful.

Speaker 76 So he had, after the engagement, he had left here.

Speaker 29 But after I had gotten home, I mean, I think we had a cycle of, I would usually send a novel text and be like, we need to work on this.

Speaker 26 I'm not tolerating this.

Speaker 22 And it would come back around to, I love you.

Speaker 109 I'm sorry. I agree.

Speaker 42 I'm working on it.

Speaker 49 We're working on it. It's going to be great.

Speaker 67 And tomorrow was a new day.

Speaker 19 The conversations really just were honestly surrounding housing.

Speaker 120 That was kind of our conversation at this point in time was I need to get out.

Speaker 23 Basically, he was saying, you know, we're both on the lease.

Speaker 71 I can't get her off the lease.

Speaker 23 And he said, I've, I've talked to police.

Speaker 50 I've talked to everyone.

Speaker 76 I, I've talked to my landlords.

Speaker 102 I have to be the one to leave.

Speaker 30 So I can't, no one can make her leave.

Speaker 80 And I said, okay.

Speaker 87 Great.

Speaker 26 Let's find you somewhere.

Speaker 32 At that point in time, I was basically being a little bit of a mom and I had my spreadsheet going and I was looking up places that were month to month that would accept his dogs, that would whatever fit the criteria that we had.

Speaker 102 Because I just wanted him somewhere safe, easy that he could be, that I could come visit and that would work until we moved into his house.

Speaker 116 During this time, he'd be so either so upset at night, she's awful, she's crazy, I need to get out of here.

Speaker 59 What have you found?

Speaker 109 Or he would be behavior-wise, very, very picky.

Speaker 30 I was kind of busting my butt.

Speaker 88 And he would come back and no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 29 And maybe there was one yes.

Speaker 65 And, you know, I was like, you can't be this picky.

Speaker 121 And it's not forever.

Speaker 20 It's maybe for a month or two.

Speaker 73 And I was like, come on, dude.

Speaker 25 It's not that big of a deal.

Speaker 121 And then he would say, you know, schedule me a showing.

Speaker 30 I want to go see it. And I'd schedule it.

Speaker 70 And then he'd say, I can't make it.

Speaker 80 And he'd call the next day and say, hey, when's my showing?

Speaker 72 And I was like, I, I canceled it.

Speaker 123 You said you can't make it. And he's like,

Speaker 80 I can, I can do it.

Speaker 30 You know, and so it was really this kind of cycle.

Speaker 69 And I would be working on stuff.

Speaker 64 He would be golfing on the weekends.

Speaker 96 Then he'd come home and be super frustrated.

Speaker 76 And it was a whole thing that I was extremely frustrated by that month as a whole was what I refer to as dark.

Speaker 58 We didn't see each other much that month.

Speaker 79 And it was really, really trying to try and kind of navigate that, but feel like I didn't have his full.

Speaker 21 assistance in working on that.

Speaker 88 There was gaslighting, but you know, one day I had said, can we please FaceTime on Saturday?

Speaker 58 And we hopped on and it had been hard to track him down that week.

Speaker 65 And very early on, he had said, oh, I think we should just swap locations.

Speaker 30 Like that would be kind of good, you know?

Speaker 85 And so we had each other's locations.

Speaker 76 He wasn't ever doing kind of anything different necessarily.

Speaker 11 And so I would see that and get frustrated when I wouldn't hear back sometimes.

Speaker 30 And so I'd said, let's FaceTime on Saturday.

Speaker 88 I haven't, we haven't really talked much this week.

Speaker 30 I want to kind of run some housing stuff by you.

Speaker 102 And I remember we got on, and he said, babe, I really don't want to get into this.

Speaker 52 I really don't want to get upset before I go golfing and throw off my golf game.

Speaker 76 I just remember being

Speaker 26 gob smacked and saying,

Speaker 31 what are you talking about?

Speaker 88 You're not Tiger Woods.

Speaker 63 It's a Saturday.

Speaker 40 Maybe you're going to go

Speaker 20 hit some balls or do a few holes, but I'm not planning on being in an argumentative state.

Speaker 13 And so, can we please talk about this tomorrow?

Speaker 87 Sure.

Speaker 52 Okay, great.

Speaker 76 And pops off the phone.

Speaker 67 We never talk about it, but we started spending more time together.

Speaker 18 I feel like we had a good little run of time in September.

Speaker 53 Anytime we were together, it felt good.

Speaker 30 And we had time with his family.

Speaker 80 Anytime we had time with his family, I felt like that was really grounding.

Speaker 26 And so I always was encouraging of that.

Speaker 58 We had a good time with his sister and her family and friends. And then time with his parents another weekend.

Speaker 69 And I felt like that would always kind of get us on track.

Speaker 57 They didn't know all the details, but they knew some bulk of what was going on and what we were facing.

Speaker 51 And so they were helpful in navigating that.

Speaker 13 And we were just kind of going through it.

Speaker 24 We had a move date.

Speaker 9 I had a move date of October, the end of October.

Speaker 42 We were kind of pushing towards that.

Speaker 29 We didn't know where we would be at housing-wise.

Speaker 97 We had a few things up in the air, but basically, it was I'm moving and we're either going to get something temporary here or move into this place.

Speaker 58 And that was that I had been ordering stuff to start packing up my place here.

Speaker 18 I had started shutting down my life here.

Speaker 76 I guess I started not rescheduling with my hairdresser and not rescheduling the dentist and doing things to just phase out, I guess you could say more so.

Speaker 43 And people knew that and they knew that I was moving.

Speaker 50 And

Speaker 25 I made a pro-con list,

Speaker 60 you know, spreadsheets and pro-con lists.

Speaker 70 That's me to a T, I guess.

Speaker 87 After

Speaker 114 labor day

Speaker 18 he really screwed me on that intentionally unintentionally the travel on that got really really messed up we were both supposed to be flying into the same place

Speaker 58 and it just became a total mess to where you know he's he's saying last minute oh i can't go I have a sister texting me saying, I can't wait for you guys to be here.

Speaker 74 I'm so excited.

Speaker 123 And I am saying, what?

Speaker 9 You haven't told your sister? I said, I'm not telling your sister.

Speaker 30 This is not on me to break her heart that we're not coming.

Speaker 32 And also, I haven't seen you in a month.

Speaker 106 So if you're not going, then I'm going to be coming out to see you.

Speaker 29 And he said, I don't think that's a good idea.

Speaker 43 And I, what do you mean? That's not a good idea.

Speaker 16 Why can't I come see you?

Speaker 79 And I'm frustrated and I'm annoyed.

Speaker 26 And so I cancel my flight because I want the credit.

Speaker 30 And at the very last minute, he says, oh, I can make it to the airport.

Speaker 32 And I'm left sitting there with no flight.

Speaker 84 And I want to see you.

Speaker 26 It's been a month. We've been having so many issues.

Speaker 30 His sister is like, you need to come. You need to be on the, I need to see you.

Speaker 71 Like, you have to be here.

Speaker 48 And I end up getting in the car and driving a whole day there.

Speaker 78 And just, I was like, what are you doing?

Speaker 118 You don't do that to someone you love.

Speaker 86 You totally just screwed me, kind of.

Speaker 82 And oh, I changed my

Speaker 58 return flight.

Speaker 118 I'm going to drive home with you and then fly home.

Speaker 29 And he would always kind of do it, always kind of make it up a little bit.

Speaker 96 But I remember coming home from that and making a pro-con list of things that I felt like this is getting hard and the ex was far more present, but I'm still getting heavy feedback of, I've never seen my brother more happy.

Speaker 63 He's so in love with you.

Speaker 114 You're a phenomenal person.

Speaker 58 I can't wait for you to be my sister-in-law.

Speaker 84 Like he's never been like this before.

Speaker 70 He's sitting me down telling me you're everything I've been looking for.

Speaker 102 You're my person.

Speaker 82 I know that there's issues, but they're going to be finished and done soon.

Speaker 59 and so yeah i was in this really rough spot my family is pretty ride or die obviously they don't ever want to see me upset i think the narrative that i was providing was he's working a ton and he was and that i feel like they thought that it was just hard distance wise for us to be apart And so I think they were supportive of, well, go be together, figure it out.

Speaker 60 His family's great to you. He's great.

Speaker 119 They met him. They loved him when they met him.

Speaker 62 They're like, he's so great.

Speaker 139 He adores you.

Speaker 29 It's going to be okay.

Speaker 99 Just like get through this rough patch.

Speaker 77 I just felt like we were hitting, hitting wall after wall.

Speaker 22 And I think every goalpost was moved every single time.

Speaker 83 And

Speaker 58 here's our timeline for.

Speaker 88 moving or here's our plan for getting you out or here's this or that and everything was changing down to even the location of where I ended up moving to changed over Labor Day weekend.

Speaker 37 That was another curveball that was thrown.

Speaker 82 And change, change, change, change, change.

Speaker 87 And so I definitely grew in frustration, but we just had magical times together.

Speaker 40 There was a lot of love there.

Speaker 70 I think, again, I keep going back to family.

Speaker 75 Love his family.

Speaker 38 Wonderful, wonderful people.

Speaker 107 But I think to me, even, even knowing that there was an engagement, you have that.

Speaker 114 At least just get to a move, be together, live together, get the day-to-day going.

Speaker 29 And I think it will be a lot better because the main stressor, honestly, was not being together and was his ex.

Speaker 30 And I just felt like if we can close that gap, we're going to be okay.

Speaker 76 And we had talked about a lot throughout the weekend with his parents down to talking about a wedding date and when would you want to get married?

Speaker 94 Where would you want to get married?

Speaker 76 I mean, we had talked about a lot of things, and I'm not going anywhere.

Speaker 18 I think my focus is just making it happen.

Speaker 97 And I had a lot going on in my family at that time.

Speaker 88 I had two sick family members, and that was also a big focus.

Speaker 77 Trying to juggle that on top of this.

Speaker 59 And I just go into kind of automatic what needs to be done mode. And that was kind of how I I functioned or navigated that.

Speaker 93 I think I had not been, I want to say, allowed at his house.

Speaker 88 Something had happened with his dog, and I was asked by him to go in and leave medication for the dog for his ex to give to the dog.

Speaker 125 No one was home, he wasn't even home.

Speaker 117 I went in and did that, and it does look kind of like a guy lives there.

Speaker 103 But at the same time, there's market lists on the fridge, and there's a soccer schedule posted.

Speaker 68 And it became very apparent that this was still a very integrated life, or that she was very present still.

Speaker 57 So, fast forward a few days, he had been out of town for work, and he said, You know, I'm, I'm not going to make it home in time.

Speaker 35 We are supposed to go out of town again together.

Speaker 70 She's gone this weekend. We can stay at my house.

Speaker 29 And I wavered and I felt like he was letting me in a little bit.

Speaker 103 And

Speaker 54 we were months into this, months and months at this point into this relationship.

Speaker 32 And I said, he's actually letting me in.

Speaker 47 And I'm okay.

Speaker 109 And so he was getting home very late.

Speaker 123 And he said, go on in.

Speaker 30 And I had one of his dogs at that time.

Speaker 121 And so I went in and I was there by myself.

Speaker 40 And whenever I was without him or had his things, I would wash his truck and get fuel and vacuum it and do his laundry and fold his clothes and all this stuff.

Speaker 69 And

Speaker 45 I am so clean and such an organizer and all this stuff.

Speaker 103 And I went into the house and there were two rooms.

Speaker 119 And he had told me we stay in separate rooms.

Speaker 37 And I, one's very clearly a woman's room. One is very clearly his room.

Speaker 75 I go up in there and I'm like, I'm going to wash the sheets, wash his clothes, everything.

Speaker 27 And I'm just pulling stuff.

Speaker 115 And I lean down, pull something, and out comes lingerie from under his bed.

Speaker 51 And I just froze.

Speaker 112 And I look under there, and there's also a woman's shirt and a purse.

Speaker 64 And I'm thinking really fast, how do I want to handle this?

Speaker 58 I texted him and I said, Why is there lingerie under your bed?

Speaker 109 And he responded and said, Why are you going through all my things?

Speaker 18 And I just remember I was on his floor and I started sobbing.

Speaker 99 And I said, How stupid am I?

Speaker 25 Like, it hit me like a wave.

Speaker 24 And I,

Speaker 91 how dumb am I that I

Speaker 58 am in this situation and

Speaker 31 that you just said that to me then he backtracks and he says this is totally her personality she would just throw that in there she knows that you're around and she's done that before and that's totally like her to plant something I was so hurt that he would even say that to me to begin with like why are you going through my stuff because it had always been what's mine is yours and also I was just rude.

Speaker 26 And there were a few other items in there.

Speaker 29 And I said, what are these?

Speaker 60 And I said, why are these here?

Speaker 99 And she, he said, That's just like her.

Speaker 22 She would totally put those in there.

Speaker 30 And I just didn't respond.

Speaker 33 And I shut it down.

Speaker 76 And I, I was like, I can't be here.

Speaker 51 This is not good for me.

Speaker 46 I started looking at hotels.

Speaker 29 I have his dog. What do I do with his dog?

Speaker 64 He's not going to be home till late.

Speaker 29 All this stuff.

Speaker 42 And I have my bag in the car and all this stuff.

Speaker 30 And his sister called, and you know, how is it?

Speaker 44 How are you guys having fun?

Speaker 94 And I was like, you would not believe this.

Speaker 68 No.

Speaker 109 And she totally talked me down.

Speaker 64 She said, Alan, that's something she would 100% do.

Speaker 18 You have to know that.

Speaker 102 And she almost laughed at it.

Speaker 124 She was like, that's comical that that happened.

Speaker 110 She said, she would 100% plant that.

Speaker 30 How could you not see that?

Speaker 105 And I was like,

Speaker 76 I was speechless. I'm still kind of speechless.

Speaker 94 She said, you know, he loves you.

Speaker 64 You know that you guys are in this together.

Speaker 88 She said, that woman is evil.

Speaker 73 She will do anything to bring him down.

Speaker 74 You have to know that.

Speaker 30 She said, you rise above it, you throw it back in her room and you have a good weekend together.

Speaker 83 And

Speaker 30 that is what I did.

Speaker 23 So I calmed down.

Speaker 50 I ordered dinner.

Speaker 30 I did his laundry.

Speaker 11 I found another thong doing his laundry.

Speaker 103 I threw it in her room.

Speaker 30 Turns out later that that was not his ex's thong.

Speaker 37 That was another woman's thong.

Speaker 84 So I was just really doing the community's laundry at that point in time.

Speaker 54 He got home late and I was still angry, but I had gone to bed and he came up. He flips the lights on.

Speaker 88 He said, you're really going to fake asleep right now.

Speaker 80 And I said,

Speaker 109 I'm really going to be asleep right now.

Speaker 23 And he said, well, come down.

Speaker 76 I haven't had, he said, have you eaten?

Speaker 42 It's like late.

Speaker 123 And I said, yeah.

Speaker 11 And said, I'm going to be downstairs.

Speaker 21 So I go downstairs.

Speaker 90 And, you know, he had.

Speaker 76 another present.

Speaker 22 It was this whole, I had this whole other birthday present for him.

Speaker 64 It was out.

Speaker 51 He had opened it and everything.

Speaker 81 And he's so happy.

Speaker 76 He's in this good mood, all this stuff.

Speaker 100 And I said, well, are we going to talk about this, you know, now or maybe tomorrow?

Speaker 58 You know, I'm tired.

Speaker 106 I'm so worn out.

Speaker 30 And he, he says, no, we can talk about it now.

Speaker 70 And we're sitting there on the couch.

Speaker 123 And he says,

Speaker 29 you know, it's nothing.

Speaker 36 He said, you also, you knew what you were getting into with this.

Speaker 102 And I've always told you from the start that you don't have to be in this relationship and you don't have to do this.

Speaker 76 And I was floored because that has never been a conversation.

Speaker 54 He's always teared up and started crying.

Speaker 85 If I've ever said anything to the effect of, I can't do this.

Speaker 52 And if she continues to be in our lives, I will not be here.

Speaker 30 He has been so upset.

Speaker 32 And so he's sitting there nonchalant.

Speaker 29 It's not a big deal.

Speaker 42 You're overreacting.

Speaker 117 You know, I've told you this.

Speaker 26 I don't know why you're reacting this way.

Speaker 121 And I got so upset.

Speaker 105 Again, I'm not.

Speaker 54 an argumentative person.

Speaker 9 I finally just got up and walked away.

Speaker 29 And he said, oh, there you go.

Speaker 31 Yeah, you would walk away right now and i got up i walked up i went to bed he came up didn't shower didn't brush his teeth anything hopped in bed put his arms around me goes to sleep and the next day it's normal it's fine and

Speaker 58 it bugged me anything like that irks me and later in the afternoon i said i just are we okay what he goes what are you talking about and i said

Speaker 88 what obviously what happened like where we're at and he he said alan i don't dwell on anything Absolutely not.

Speaker 18 We're, we're fine.

Speaker 85 We're working on our future. We're good.

Speaker 88 And then that was that.

Speaker 85 And we moved on and we had the conversation.

Speaker 36 I said, if you ever don't want to be with me, you need to let me know.

Speaker 29 I said, please let me go.

Speaker 85 I said, I would rather you be happy and be with her.

Speaker 26 I said, I, I've been cheated on before.

Speaker 29 This is a very big deal to me.

Speaker 107 I said, please.

Speaker 27 And at this point in time, I'm crying.

Speaker 30 I'm so emotional this weekend.

Speaker 60 And I said, please let me go.

Speaker 9 I said, I, I don't ever want to stand in the way of you being happy.

Speaker 75 And he all over me, holding my hand.

Speaker 111 I would never do that. You're who I want to be with.

Speaker 94 I would never cheat on you.

Speaker 96 I don't have the time for that.

Speaker 27 No one has the time for that.

Speaker 114 Why would I ever do that?

Speaker 54 This whole conversation.

Speaker 30 He said, babe, just hold on another few weeks and you're going to be out here. We're going to be living together.

Speaker 21 She'll be out of our lives and it will be great.

Speaker 64 That was that weekend.

Speaker 51 And it was a huge blow up to me, but it was just another day for him kind of thing.

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Speaker 118 So we spent that weekend together.

Speaker 29 I rallied.

Speaker 64 It was a very rough weekend.

Speaker 90 We were together and we were working through it, and things aren't perfect.

Speaker 30 I was supposed to be coming out again in another few weeks.

Speaker 64 This was the very start of October, and I was house sitting at that point.

Speaker 29 And it was always what's mine is yours.

Speaker 30 And I was going to come out and he was going to come stay with me and all this stuff.

Speaker 58 And so that week, things were normal, but the few days prior to me coming out, things got a little odd.

Speaker 66 I

Speaker 75 called him.

Speaker 41 I said, can we touch base?

Speaker 85 I'm supposed to be coming out.

Speaker 31 I want to talk about this weekend and if there's anything you want to do.

Speaker 30 And it had happened before to where I would fly in, Uber to his house and use a car or something like that.

Speaker 82 And so I said, I think I'm going to fly in.

Speaker 112 Here's when I arrive.

Speaker 30 Can I come and get the truck again and go from there?

Speaker 29 And then I'll see you when you get off work.

Speaker 11 And he said, I don't want you driving the truck.

Speaker 76 And I was really taken back by that.

Speaker 29 He'd always, you know, what's mine is yours.

Speaker 74 We're, we're one and the same.

Speaker 24 And so he said, I really don't think that's a good idea.

Speaker 11 I don't want you driving the truck.

Speaker 74 And I was taken back by that.

Speaker 41 And he was just not in a good mood.

Speaker 70 And he said, I actually think I want to go to the cabin this weekend.

Speaker 123 And I was like, what are you saying?

Speaker 111 I'm going to be in town when I finally come to town.

Speaker 30 Why would you go somewhere else? And he just said, I, you know, I really want to go up there.

Speaker 76 And I said, well, I can't because I'm, I have this commitment.

Speaker 88 And so why wouldn't you spend time together?

Speaker 70 And then you can go.

Speaker 43 He said, don't ever tell me that I can't go there.

Speaker 30 And I knew it was a trigger because his ex was not allowed there on that property. And I think that that was kind of something that they had an issue with.

Speaker 30 I said, I'm never telling you where to go or what to do, but I'd love to spend time with you.

Speaker 9 And I said, let's just talk about this tomorrow.

Speaker 69 And so we got off the phone.

Speaker 59 I'd fly out there the next day.

Speaker 29 I said, can you let me know if you're going to be coming?

Speaker 30 Because I'm going to go to the store.

Speaker 91 I'm going to get some food.

Speaker 30 And he says, I, you know, it's going to be a long day, but I'll let you know. And I just was like, he's not not coming.

Speaker 53 I bought food.

Speaker 76 I started cooking dinner, all this stuff.

Speaker 116 I said, I saw his dot. I saw his location.

Speaker 27 He's at home, super close by.

Speaker 84 And I said, okay, like, in my mind, I'm like, see you soon.

Speaker 30 You'll be here for dinner.

Speaker 60 I've been talking to his sister about the recipe.

Speaker 88 Like, we're going to have such a fun weekend.

Speaker 70 He texted me and said,

Speaker 91 Hey, I, you know,

Speaker 89 this

Speaker 69 relationship has gone too fast, and I think I need some time.

Speaker 18 And I just remember

Speaker 77 I just

Speaker 96 crumbled to the floor, and I knew

Speaker 91 and I

Speaker 110 just

Speaker 91 died inside. And I

Speaker 36 called and he didn't answer.

Speaker 9 And I looked and his location was gone.

Speaker 83 And

Speaker 25 I knew I'm not going to call you again.

Speaker 111 You know what you're doing.

Speaker 30 And I was talking to his sister.

Speaker 19 I said, I think your brother just broke up with me.

Speaker 16 And she said, there's absolutely no way.

Speaker 80 And I said, I think so.

Speaker 30 And she said, no, he would never.

Speaker 100 She said, that would never happen.

Speaker 11 And I said, I don't understand.

Speaker 58 And I texted him back and I said, I don't understand.

Speaker 30 Is this a breakup?

Speaker 25 And he said, I think for now, yes, that's the best.

Speaker 9 I need to focus on myself.

Speaker 68 I remember I called him one more time.

Speaker 101 He didn't answer.

Speaker 88 His sister said he stopped sharing his location with me.

Speaker 54 So he stopped sharing his location with her as well.

Speaker 29 And she's like, something's going on.

Speaker 117 And I just was hysterical.

Speaker 85 Like, how could you do this to me?

Speaker 25 What are you doing?

Speaker 70 I know that you're like about 10 minutes away from me.

Speaker 76 This doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 27 You're also not answering the phone.

Speaker 88 You're not giving me any kind of explanation.

Speaker 85 His sister was really heavy on, well, there's something going on.

Speaker 77 What does the ex have over him that's causing this to happen?

Speaker 51 Because this is not normal behavior. This is not him.

Speaker 74 It was just an odd time.

Speaker 30 It was what is going on.

Speaker 68 So, even though, again, even though it had happened to me, it's what's going on with him and something's going on.

Speaker 51 And she's for the whole night racking her brain.

Speaker 70 I, she's like, I can't believe this. He's not responding.

Speaker 89 And they're doing their whole brother-sister thing.

Speaker 111 And even the next day, she said, you know, I finally told my parents and I talked to his mom.

Speaker 30 I personally talked to his mom at length.

Speaker 26 And she said, we never saw this coming.

Speaker 55 We thought that you'd be our daughter-in-law.

Speaker 30 And she said, I don't know what he's doing right now.

Speaker 71 She said, we're, we're concerned that he is

Speaker 76 making poor decisions that he's made in the past.

Speaker 123 And I said, what are you talking about?

Speaker 58 Like, I didn't, all this was kind of news to me.

Speaker 26 And then it started to make sense.

Speaker 77 The veil kind of dropped.

Speaker 121 And then that night is when I

Speaker 52 learned more.

Speaker 124 I remember calling my mom and just, I couldn't speak.

Speaker 98 And

Speaker 123 she said, is it him?

Speaker 26 What happened?

Speaker 70 And I didn't even have to say anything.

Speaker 122 And even my parents, my parents were like, maybe this is cold feet.

Speaker 94 I know when my parents, you know, my mom said, when, when we first got together, you know, we went on a great trip and then your dad broke up with me and then he got cold feet and then he came back around.

Speaker 71 We are engaged and it's great.

Speaker 30 That was always a perspective.

Speaker 26 Like everyone saw the best in him.

Speaker 51 And I just was

Speaker 52 crushed.

Speaker 66 And I,

Speaker 116 you're, it's all, it's all gone in the blink of an eye.

Speaker 50 What, what was was no longer.

Speaker 32 And I'm like, was it even something?

Speaker 68 I don't know.

Speaker 50 And I'm also out there.

Speaker 51 I don't have my family.

Speaker 48 I don't have my friends.

Speaker 25 I don't have anyone.

Speaker 41 And I know that he's very close to me, but we're not in contact.

Speaker 102 And so I'm like, I feel very lost with that as well.

Speaker 47 That day, I think there was a lot of conversations with family, a lot with his family and I, we were very close.

Speaker 100 And, and, you know, his parents were like, we're trying to get a hold of him.

Speaker 29 And he's golfing.

Speaker 108 Surprise, surprise.

Speaker 58 The man is on the golf course and he's telling them, you don't understand.

Speaker 40 You don't need to worry.

Speaker 70 Like, stop bugging me, stop butting in.

Speaker 49 I'm handling everything.

Speaker 76 And, and I just, what is going on?

Speaker 62 I don't understand.

Speaker 102 And I'm trying to comfort myself.

Speaker 111 I'm laying on the couch, finally calming down a little bit.

Speaker 52 And his sister had told me the night prior.

Speaker 116 She had said, why do I have a?

Speaker 35 Facebook message request from his ex and they just head to head clash 100%.

Speaker 63 She said, Why do I have it? And she said, How do I look at it?

Speaker 64 And, you know, I told her, I said, Click here, look here, you know, go through.

Speaker 76 And she looked at it and it was empty.

Speaker 60 It was basically a request.

Speaker 29 And then it was unsent.

Speaker 120 So there was nothing there.

Speaker 62 And I had talked to her more the next day.

Speaker 13 And she said, it got very messy.

Speaker 36 She ended up making me cry.

Speaker 63 She said it.

Speaker 64 it was very nasty.

Speaker 52 She said, that is someone that you do not ever want to talk to or come in contact with.

Speaker 122 And that was always the narrative was nasty, nasty, nasty and i knew her name i'm sitting there on the couch and i for some reason i check my facebook messages which i never do i look at the requests especially and i have a message request from her and

Speaker 107 same thing uh a request but it's an unsent message so there's nothing there and i just you know you reach a point where you're alone but you also want answers and i messaged her and i said can i help you?

Speaker 88 And she responded immediately and she said, this is who I am.

Speaker 79 He's my boyfriend, but also my fiancé of however many years we lived together.

Speaker 55 I just found a letter that you wrote him the other day.

Speaker 114 He told me that he broke up with you.

Speaker 53 She sent me screenshots of his breakup texts.

Speaker 75 And she said, I also just found out that he is dating or has been cheating on both of us with many other women.

Speaker 84 And it goes boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, screenshots of everything.

Speaker 11 And she goes, he's right here if you want to talk to him.

Speaker 116 It's just a bomb.

Speaker 77 I called and I

Speaker 60 she answered.

Speaker 76 She says, very calmly.

Speaker 50 And she says, hi, Alan.

Speaker 99 She goes, here he is if you want to talk to him.

Speaker 34 And she puts it on speakerphone and holds it up to him.

Speaker 76 And he gets nasty and he says awful things.

Speaker 53 And she goes, yep, that's how he talks to me all the time.

Speaker 25 And I just can't speak.

Speaker 64 And again, I go into, I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

Speaker 106 And, you know, I

Speaker 25 knew, but I didn't know.

Speaker 30 And I just said, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 36 I didn't ever mean to come between you two.

Speaker 25 I didn't realize.

Speaker 70 And she was like, yep, this is what my life is.

Speaker 52 And then she starts hitting me with question, question, question, question of, well, how long have you been together?

Speaker 35 And what have you been doing?

Speaker 30 And I just said, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 36 I can't even talk right now.

Speaker 120 I think I said, I'm sorry a million times.

Speaker 76 I called my mom and I said, well, it's a lot worse than we thought.

Speaker 102 And I called his sister and I had to call his parents.

Speaker 120 And I said, I think there's a lot more that's going on here.

Speaker 80 And I'm now spreading the news of what's going on and filling in the families and breaking everyone's hearts of what's going on.

Speaker 9 And his parents had no idea.

Speaker 64 Sister had no idea.

Speaker 24 He had told his sister that she had fully moved out.

Speaker 36 So I'm kind of igniting a family feud there.

Speaker 13 And it just snowballed.

Speaker 92 The information went haywire.

Speaker 70 And he texted me and he called me, I ignored it.

Speaker 75 And then he called me again.

Speaker 70 He said, I'd like to come see you face to face.

Speaker 123 And I said, I don't know what you could possibly have to say to me.

Speaker 78 And he said, I know.

Speaker 122 And I said, fine.

Speaker 67 I think I was just curious, I guess, what, and also,

Speaker 88 I just, what are you going to possibly say?

Speaker 69 And he came and he sat down across from me and he couldn't look at me.

Speaker 83 And

Speaker 29 I said,

Speaker 84 So, is this true?

Speaker 76 I said, You've been seeing her, you've been with her.

Speaker 107 And he said, Yep.

Speaker 76 And I said, Okay.

Speaker 30 And I said, And you've been also cheating on both of us then with other women.

Speaker 50 And he said,

Speaker 127 Yep.

Speaker 80 And I said, Okay.

Speaker 94 And I said, Do you realize that you've devastated two families completely?

Speaker 34 And he started, you know, the alligator tears, he gets up, gets a tissue, comes back down.

Speaker 29 He said, yeah, you didn't deserve this.

Speaker 80 And I said,

Speaker 26 damn right. I didn't deserve this.

Speaker 114 And I said, I don't know why you would do this.

Speaker 13 Both of our families are shattered because of what you did.

Speaker 76 And he just can't look at me.

Speaker 16 And I said, is there anything else you want to say?

Speaker 121 And he said, no.

Speaker 83 And

Speaker 71 he gets up to leave.

Speaker 91 And I said,

Speaker 64 there's nothing else you want to say.

Speaker 82 And he goes, no.

Speaker 26 I said, so you're not going to tell me that I should also probably go get tested for STIs.

Speaker 74 He goes, well, yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 76 And I said, okay.

Speaker 139 Because his ex had also told me she tested positive for two that week in her first message.

Speaker 130 So it was just a fun little bonus.

Speaker 74 So that was the last thing he ever said to me.

Speaker 87 And he walked out.

Speaker 40 I watched him drive away.

Speaker 36 He texted me later.

Speaker 60 He said, don't let her bring you into this.

Speaker 127 I said, I think that you did that.

Speaker 121 And he said, yeah, I'm sorry.

Speaker 80 And I said, please go get help.

Speaker 100 It was apparent that there were some dependency issues.

Speaker 34 I said, please go get help.

Speaker 91 And he said, I'm actually the only competent one here.

Speaker 41 And today's a new day.

Speaker 49 It actually feels really good that this is all out in the open.

Speaker 94 And I said, you need help.

Speaker 125 And he said, that means a lot that you really believe in me.

Speaker 85 And I said, I, I want you to get help.

Speaker 57 I hope you do.

Speaker 36 You know, the only competent one really got me.

Speaker 30 And I said, okay, the mask has fallen and

Speaker 112 you are not who I thought you were.

Speaker 50 I don't know this person.

Speaker 29 You know, and he said that and he said, I feel better.

Speaker 50 Everything's out in the open.

Speaker 119 And to me, I'm like, you have

Speaker 29 nothing's better. You just

Speaker 84 destroyed.

Speaker 34 From there, more and more would only come out in the weeks to follow, but he felt fine about it.

Speaker 96 And that was kind of our conversation.

Speaker 70 He texted me the next morning and said, I love you so much.

Speaker 49 I never meant to hurt you.

Speaker 60 I never said that I was using you as a prop for my family, but it really hurts that you're choosing to believe all this.

Speaker 23 But I also understand it because I lied to you.

Speaker 58 It's like it's all in writing.

Speaker 29 Like you just, you just tied it up with a, but I did lie to you, Bo.

Speaker 81 And I said, I,

Speaker 29 I think how you use people is sick.

Speaker 55 I think that you are sick.

Speaker 64 I said, you promised me a life.

Speaker 58 You promised me a future.

Speaker 36 You gave me all these things and said all these things and it meant nothing.

Speaker 95 And I said, I think that you are very sick and I pray that you truly get help because of what you've done.

Speaker 105 And I

Speaker 89 hope that that happens for you.

Speaker 50 And that was

Speaker 50 the last time we ever talked.

Speaker 34 That was the end.

Speaker 17 When I spoke with Alan, I asked her to reflect on the factors that led to her overlooking or downplaying her partner's behavior.

Speaker 64 Yeah, it was just bizarre.

Speaker 49 And there were many bizarre things that I think I didn't fully register.

Speaker 45 He said some things that were so

Speaker 29 outrageous very quickly or just so off the wall very quickly.

Speaker 31 And I think that's kind of caught me off guard.

Speaker 24 And I always

Speaker 44 see the best in people or want to see the best in people.

Speaker 114 I think part of his gift is that he always made me feel desired and safe and beautiful and like it was everything he wanted.

Speaker 76 So, I never really felt like it was a challenge to meet his standards.

Speaker 70 I felt like he was just gob smacked with me kind of thing.

Speaker 84 And that just goes into the love bombing from there.

Speaker 17 I was curious about what made her so open to meeting someone out of her area, even if it meant navigating a long-distance relationship.

Speaker 50 Well, I think he probably had a lot of reasons that it worked out for him.

Speaker 82 For me, I think I was open to anything.

Speaker 30 It's not that I wasn't open to meeting someone here.

Speaker 29 Obviously, that would be so much easier.

Speaker 76 But I also think in general, I was just open to meeting my person and finding out what was out there.

Speaker 29 And I also feel like I have

Speaker 40 had a lot going on work-wise and things.

Speaker 30 And so I'm also not, I was always kind of focused on that too. And so not necessarily boy crazy.

Speaker 32 I always kind of felt like I like doing my own thing and long distance is okay.

Speaker 84 If I don't see you every single day, that that's fine.

Speaker 76 So that was part of it.

Speaker 112 I also knew I loved it out there, and that a move wasn't always off the table.

Speaker 115 So, if I ended up with someone out there, then that was an option.

Speaker 83 There were a few things I don't obviously far less alluring once you're in it and you're in love with someone and you're in that phase of just feeling like I want to be with you all the time.

Speaker 68 I, that wasn't alluring at all and became very, very difficult.

Speaker 64 But in general, I it wasn't something that I felt like was going to stop me from wanting to try try it or anything.

Speaker 17 I also wanted to know how therapy played a part in her life, especially how it helped shape her decisions during all the relationship trauma.

Speaker 109 I have been going to therapy consistently for a long time.

Speaker 88 That started when I was probably 18.

Speaker 26 I believe I was referred to someone for chronic health issues, someone who specialized in that.

Speaker 43 Kind of when they were like, we don't know what to do with you. They sent me to her.

Speaker 54 And so I've been seeing someone for a long time off and on.

Speaker 76 But at this point in time, throughout this whole relationship, I was consistently every week seeing my therapist when I was in town.

Speaker 60 And so she knew about this relationship and we were kind of discussing it.

Speaker 70 I disclosed, I feel like everything.

Speaker 30 I usually kind of look at myself as an open book.

Speaker 26 I do think there were things in retrospect, though, that I didn't even recognize as

Speaker 26 being extremely wrong that I didn't tell her until after everything happened.

Speaker 88 And I would say, oh yeah, well, this did happen and she you know her eyes get big and she's how did we not talk about that but throughout the process she was really the main person that I did confide in and I would come back and and say this is happening with the X or I don't understand or I don't know what to do and really with her I feel like and she'll say the same that we were really working on my ability to trust in people and I think that's something that I've always kind of worked on after going through my chronic health issues is trust in a way.

Speaker 27 I think I've I lost a lot of trust in the medical system or in myself and in people and just kind of working on that.

Speaker 52 And I think that she and I were working on that week by week.

Speaker 29 And does this still feel good and how, how's it going and stuff like that.

Speaker 88 And so I was confiding in her, but at the same time, she, in retrospect, didn't know all that was going on.

Speaker 95 And I do have a few moments where I did talk to my friends.

Speaker 30 They did become aware of the ex.

Speaker 17 And finally, I asked her about the time she felt stuck in limbo within the relationship and how did that affect her ability to move forward?

Speaker 76 Interestingly enough, my mom brought this up.

Speaker 64 She said, you know, I noticed that you never actually packed to move.

Speaker 63 And she said, you did everything.

Speaker 84 You told everyone.

Speaker 30 You bought all the moving supplies possible.

Speaker 42 You looked at movers.

Speaker 70 You had it circled on the calendar, everything, but you never actually packed a single thing in your house.

Speaker 18 I just think knowing you and knowing how prepared you always are, that that was kind of odd.

Speaker 109 And I think you kind of knew that you weren't going to do it or that you were maybe waiting for something.

Speaker 121 And I said, I never noticed that at all.

Speaker 24 But in my mind, I was just waiting for,

Speaker 13 we were waiting for something to happen with his work.

Speaker 30 We were waiting for a green light on something.

Speaker 58 And again, he left me in limbo, left me in limbo.

Speaker 64 I just felt like a weird suspended state.

Speaker 32 In retrospect and in knowing myself, I know my body always knows.

Speaker 120 I think I was probably waiting for something to happen,

Speaker 106 but my mind was probably going, but my body was probably holding me back, I think.

Speaker 17 Alan quickly realized that she had rushed into a relationship, eager to believe the best in her partner, despite sensing that something wasn't quite right.

Speaker 17 She waited for a sign that things would improve. but that moment never arrived.

Speaker 17 Now on a journey to understand the deep impact of shattered trust and betrayal, she is focused on rebuilding her self-confidence, strength, and personal boundaries.

Speaker 17 Alan has found a powerful outlet in creating a podcast where she shares her own stories, invites others to do the same, and uses her voice to raise awareness about relationship trauma.

Speaker 17 Her mission is to support those who are navigating similar challenges and to help them find their own path to healing. Until next time, I'm Jake Deptula, and this is Love Lust Fear.

Speaker 17 Every guest featured on Love Lust Fear selects a charity or organization to share. Please check the show notes on this episode for more details.

Speaker 17 If you or someone you know is being abused by a partner, there is help available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides essential tools and support to help survivors of domestic violence.

Speaker 17 Just call 1-800-799-SAFE. That's 1-800-799-7233.

Speaker 17 Or you can text STARK to 88788.

Speaker 17 If you'd like to be a guest on Loveless Fear and share your personal dating or relationship story, you can email us at lovelessfearpod at gmail.com or DM us on Instagram at Loveless FearPod.

Speaker 17 Disclaimer: the information shared on this podcast should not be considered as professional advice or a substitute for seeking professional advice.

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