Give Me 19min, and I’ll DELETE Your Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is completely normal.

You're not weird.

You were just never taught the people skills that make connecting with people easy.

Most people think that means making eye contact or having a firm handshake, but we've all had those moments where someone crushes your hand or stares into your soul, making the interaction even more awkward.

So in the next few minutes, I'm going to share with you how to actually improve your people skills, even if you're an introvert like I was.

These are the strategies that took me from an awkward, nerdy programmer to raising money from Mark Cuban and skiing with Richard Branson.

So if you want to stop feeling awkward and start connecting, this is how you do it.

Welcome to the Martel Method.

I went from rehab at 17 to building a $100 million empire and being a Wall Street Journal best-selling author.

In this podcast, I'll show you exactly how to build a life and business you don't grow to hate.

My best-selling book, Buy Back Your Time, is out now.

Grab a copy at buybackyourtime.com or at any of your preferred online retailers.

Starting with remembering names.

Now I know you're like, oh, I've heard this before.

No, you haven't.

Truth is, if you forget somebody's name and you call them buddy, they're probably not going to like you.

They definitely won't show you any respect.

And if you want respect from other people, you must first show respect.

Now, I got this crazy idea for how to remember names.

It'll make it foolproof for you.

I like to think of a weapon I would use to kill them with their name.

I know this is weird, but like for Aaron, it would be an axe.

For Sam, it would be a saw.

And I play this little game in my head, and it's funny because making it so wild actually makes it really easy to remember.

I don't know why.

It's just a little trick.

I've been doing it for a long time.

No, I'm not a psychopath.

I'm just telling you, somebody said it to me once and I said, that's really smart.

Now, I do have a backup because I literally meet.

thousands of people per month.

I'm not even joking.

I do social media events and there's hundreds of people there and I introduce myself to everyone and I'm trying to learn their names.

I think it's really important.

So my backup is this.

If I'm with my wife or I'm with a friend and I meet somebody and I introduce them to the person I know, they know to ask the person's name because that tells them I forgot their name.

But here's the ultimate secret when people tell me, but dan, I just, I have a hard time remembering names.

No, you don't.

You don't have a hard time remembering names.

You have a problem with making it important.

If I told you this person you just met, if you could remember their name in 12 months, and if you did, I would give you a million dollars cash.

My gut tells me you would 100% remember their name.

So what's the difference?

Your desire.

And if you can lean into that, you will make this a second-nature skill and it will separate you from everybody else.

But once you've opened up a conversation, most people try too hard to sound smart.

And connection only happens when you stop talking and start asking.

I remember one time, a buddy of mine texted me and says, Can I get 15 minutes of your time?

I was like, Yeah, no problem.

Let me know if I can be helped.

And we get on the call, and I sat there for 14 minutes and 30 seconds listening to him talk, talk, talk.

And I only had 15 minutes and then I had to go.

And at the very end, I said, hey, man, I appreciate the context, but how can I help?

He wasn't prepared.

He talked for most of the time.

And this question that he had wasn't even a really good question.

See, what I've learned is most people are not prepared to have the conversation.

Most people are not prepared to interact with other people.

And because of that, they sometimes come off as awkward.

So this is something one of my billionaire mentors said to me because I watched him interact with dozens of people at dinner once and he didn't say one thing about himself.

And he said, I could talk about me, Dan, but I already know everything I know.

I want to know what other people want to know.

I thought that was so fascinating.

The way we do that is by asking questions.

That's why I teach the 70-2010 rule.

70%, you want to be listening because you've asked really good questions and just sit back.

The other 20% of the time, you want to be talking because you're answering their questions, because that's what's going to happen after you ask them a good question.

And the other 10% is offering ways to help.

See, when you ask questions that are very pointed and directional, then you can find opportunities to essentially make introductions or offer your services or just honestly be a listening ear.

Some people think that like, I can't be helpful because I'm not that impressive.

No, you can just by saying, wow, that's amazing or that's really impressive or you should be proud of yourself.

Whatever you want to be, the cheerleader, the supporter, that 10% is how you actually create connection with people.

It actually reminds me of a call I had the other day where I was talking to a company I was involved in and they were having a financial issue.

It was around structuring some financing.

And I knew the perfect person was my billionaire mentor, Tom.

And I messaged Tom and I said, hey, Tom, here's the situation.

I gave him the bullet points.

If you have seven minutes, I'd love to get your perspective on this.

And he was at a hockey game and he said, I'll call you when I'm done.

And I'm out of Starbucks.

And I walk outside when he calls and I answer.

And I sit there and I listen to him give me advice.

And then I asked him a few questions.

He gave me more advice.

He then gave me some different perspectives, some different concepts.

I asked one or two other questions and then we were done.

When I hung up and I looked at my phone, it said seven minutes.

I remember texting him right after and I said, how'd I do?

Exactly seven minutes with the screenshot.

I think that's a perfect flow of trying to connect with somebody that obviously knows more and not wasting their time.

So these are just a few questions that you will see me ask all the time when I meet somebody new.

First off, how did you get started?

I'm genuinely curious.

If you've built something magical or achieved something great, I want to know where did it come from?

And it turns out people love to talk about themselves.

I know I do.

So ask them that question.

Second one is if you're at an event or you're at a dinner party or you're at somebody's house, just ask them, how do you know this person?

The other day I was in Austin with one of my team members, Opt-In, and he was being a little awkward with people he was meeting.

And I was like, bro, just ask them how they know Dan and watch them tell you the story.

And then from there, you can be more curious.

But everything else you're doing prior to that is kind of weird.

Funny is the next day I went for a run with my buddy Wes and Opt-In, first question you asked him, hey, Wes, how do you know Dan?

And Wes went on for six, seven minutes telling about our story, things that I didn't even know about who he knew that knew me and how we actually got connected.

It was actually kind of interesting.

And Wes and Optin built a relationship from that.

The biggest cheat code to asking questions is alternating between how and what questions.

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But people skills aren't just about what's said.

You'll get way further ahead if you communicate energy over ideas.

Now, if you've ever met me and you asked me, hey, Dan, how's it going?

You will always hear me say, I'm fucking amazing.

F ⁇ ing incredible.

Wow.

And the reason why is because that sets the energy.

And now I might have had a really tough morning.

I will still say incredible.

See, people won't remember what you said, the facts, the information, the stories, the details but they'll always remember how you made them feel and if you're somebody every time i see you you're smiling you're energetic you're feeling good about life you're grateful that's somebody i want around me what's fascinating is i see a lot of young people worry about not being that valuable or having skills that are interesting to other people or have done anything exciting with their life i have a buddy literally every time i talk to him He's got a government job.

He's doing great in his life.

He's doing his thing.

But he is excited for me.

He's genuinely curious.

When I tell him about a win, he's like, hell yeah, bro.

I can't believe you did that.

That's crazy.

I remember I went and I interviewed Dana White from the UFC and he was the first person I called afterwards.

Why?

Because I knew he would be the most excited for me.

Being a positive force in somebody's life is valuable.

Now, I know this is hard for introverts watching, but bear with me.

The easiest thing we can be for other people is positive.

There's actually this scientific word called dispositional optimism and is essentially you being a person that defaults to optimistic perspectives on the world or what I call API.

Assume positive intent.

Find the good in every situation.

So even if you're a little introverted and you get energy taken from you and interact with people, when you do talk to them, just be positive about the situation.

This is what I tell people when they're like, how do I increase my energy?

First off, prime yourself.

Before I walk into a room, especially if it's an important room, I do push-ups.

I do air squats.

I jump up and down.

I do breath work.

I have a mental mantra I repeat to myself.

I want to prime my mind and my body to be available to the people I'm about to interact with.

Second thing is I want to increase my volume.

I don't yell, but I project.

I talk.

I'm clear.

I emphasize the syllables on the words.

See what I'm doing there?

And trust me, as somebody that has the habit of talking really fast and then not clear, I've learned to slow it down, but say it with more precision.

The other thing I do is I talk with passion.

You know, the truth is, is I don't want to talk about stuff I'm not interested in.

So I don't do surface level.

If you ask me about the weather, I'm going to ask about your deepest wound.

No, I'm just kidding.

I don't go there too quick, but I'm just saying, like, talk about the things you love.

Talk about the exciting project you worked on on the weekend.

Talk about your new idea.

Talk about the possibility of AI.

That gets people going, but communicate passion in your language.

If what you say is muted or flat, it just doesn't have the opportunity to connect with people.

But it's not enough to just amp up your energy.

You have to be careful to read the room.

It's kind of like merging onto the highway.

If you're in your car, if there's a lot of traffic, like you got to look, you got to decide who's going at what speed and how do I comfortably merge into that lane.

If you're in a room and everybody's talking and all of a sudden it gets quiet, you notice that people start dissipating, maybe that's your cue to exit stage left.

Just the concept of understanding when a conversation is done and being first to acknowledge that moving on will allow you to remain as somebody who can read the room.

You're not sitting there awkwardly.

I mean, I can't tell you, like most nice people are not going to tell you to leave, but at the same time, if the reason you came to have the conversation is done, just be like, I appreciate the time and move on.

You don't have to sit there and wait to be dismissed.

The other big idea is to understand there's a difference how you communicate in a big room versus one-on-one.

You know, it's kind of like the same difference between talking to buddies or coworkers versus your grandma.

You know, when I do my Kings Club program, because of the energy of these 15, 16 year old young men, I'm slowing things down.

I'm getting down on their level.

I'm looking them in the eyes, which is completely different than if I'm talking to like high tech, very motivated, very successful tech entrepreneurs where I'm like, look, guys, this is what we need to do.

You understand it.

And this is the path.

Different energies based on reading the room.

So the one hack that I have around this is the concept of pause and observe.

Sometimes if you sit back, you may look and say, oh, there's an introvert.

Maybe this person needs to be pulled into the conversation.

or you might see somebody else that's like me and talkie talkie talkie and go oh i'm going to stand over there and just listen and find an opportunity to amplify or add value or give a compliment understanding what's going on in the room and just adjusting your energy to those people is a game-changing move but most people totally underestimate how to use their words to open other people up.

And this is how a simple comment can feed their ego.

It was actually interesting.

The other night I had dinner with somebody I hadn't met before and they made a comment about my King's Club program and made a genuine compliment.

The fact that they noticed, paid attention, and gave me that compliment made me like them more.

It's just human nature.

So use it in your favor.

This is an interesting thing I've learned on this topic is that for you to give a genuine compliment to somebody, you have to state something that they also believe to be true.

For my kids, for example, I might say, you know, watching you play with your friends and always laughing is awesome.

And that's how I know you're such a good friend to them.

See, if I just say they're such a good friend to them, they might dismiss that.

If I say that I notice you're always playing and laughing with your friends, they go, Yeah, that's true.

And then I make the compliment, then it connects it.

That's a very advanced move that nobody talks about.

See, the truth is, is most people give compliments that they could say to anyone, like your content's great, or you have nice blue eyes.

No, I'm just kidding.

They don't say that to me, to my face, but they do say it in my DMs.

Inappropriate, but I just think like being genuine and trying to find something that is unique to them and not so obvious is actually the move.

Make it specific, something detailed.

Show them that you're paying attention.

Compliment the effort.

You know, when I'm hiking a mountain and my kids are like stressed out and freaking out about like how much further we go, I just stop and I say, hey, look at the, look how far we've come.

This is incredible.

Like you should be really proud of yourself for the distance we've traveled so far, even though they're feeling a little beat up from how far they got to go.

And then you got to follow it up.

You got to ask them a question of interest.

You got to say like, hey, hey i just want you to know i'm really impressed with what i've been hearing from your team you know they say that you're somebody that leads with integrity and heart how did you get started and you say the compliment and then you ask them a question you want to bridge or you might say hey it's so crazy every time i talk to people who know you well always say the same thing they say that you're kind and you're generous and you give a lot i'm just curious like when you built this business Did you ever face adversity and challenges that almost made you question to keep going?

See, asking a question on the backside of a compliment makes the person realize that you pay attention and you are genuinely interested in their answer.

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Now let's get back to the episode.

But creating value for people isn't just about what you say.

If you want next level connections, you have to be the connector.

Not too long ago, I was in Austin attending a Ferrari event at the track there at Coda.

And one of the things I like to do is as soon as I walk in, go up to somebody I don't know, introduce myself, ask them, you know, how they got connected to the group, what kind of car they're driving, obviously relevant questions to what I'm doing.

And then once I get to know who they are, I'll go and introduce myself to somebody new and then I'll ask them if they know the first person.

So I come in, I meet a guy named John.

I ask all about John.

Turns out he has a really cool car.

He's got several Ferraris.

And then I go meet Marty and I'm talking to Marty.

And it turns out his car is the same car as John's got.

And I said, Well, do you know John?

He goes, No, I don't know John.

I said, Well, Marty, let me introduce you to John.

So I go over there.

I introduce him to Marty.

And John, they start talking.

And I noticed his wife was standing there and she wasn't saying anything.

And I said, Hey, I'm Dan.

She goes, Oh, I'm Sarah.

And I said, So nice to meet you.

Is John your husband?

Well, he is.

So fun that you're here watching this.

And then I just kept going around the room doing this.

And by the end of it, I had connected everybody to each other.

Ferrari appreciated this so much.

They said, if you're ever in town, even if you don't have your car here, let us know.

We'd love to have you back.

That is the value you can bring by doing nothing more than connecting people to each other.

It doesn't matter what you say.

It doesn't matter what you've done.

Doesn't matter what you've got.

The ability to connect people to each other is the value.

Here's a wild idea.

I believe every person is one conversation away from achieving their dreams.

I've seen this happen over and over again, from the way I've met a business partner to finding opportunities.

I'm about to buy a house in another country.

And it all came because of a dinner conversation at an event that I didn't even expect to meet the person that could make that happen.

That is the power of conversations.

So these are my favorite ways to introduce people to each other.

First off, I like to be the wingman.

You know, so if I'm there with my co-founder or somebody I work with, when I go meet somebody new, I ask them if they met that person.

And if they say, no, I haven't met them first.

And then I brag them up.

I talk about them.

I was at South by Southwest back in the day with my co-founder ethan and i did this thing where i would go up the hallway we were walking down and i'd meet somebody new and i say well have you met ethan my co-founder from flowtown yet and they go no and i go oh my gosh he'll never tell you this but he's a genius he literally started off as a freestyle rapper he's got his degree in economics and he's the technical mind even though he's the business ceo of this product he would never tell you this but he is a freaking genius and then he'd walk up and i'd be like oh this is ethan and the person be like oh ethan so nice to meet you he'd be like why is everybody so friendly to me and i'm like like, dude, I brag you up big time.

It is probably my favorite thing to do.

The other way is to create a bridge is to find an uncommon commonality.

My buddy Jason Gaynard, he has this event called MMT.

He does this at the highest level.

So when he organizes event, He literally organizes a whole room and every person is sitting next to another person because he's created a bridge between things he knows about them and the person sitting next to them.

I'm talking weird things like he sat these two people together because they're both pilots, these three people together because they all have Olympic medals it's wild for him to do that and he doesn't tell you why but you know that he's created a bridge and then you're talking to the people sitting next to you searching for the reason he sat you next to them it's one of the coolest things to watch and one of my favorite things to do for other people the other thing is to reopen a story if you know a friend of yours got a crazy story ask them to share it.

It creates an opportunity for them to tell a crazy story that might create connection and relevance or just have a good time amongst the people that might be standing there.

And then the last pro tip is asking questions to get to a place where you can figure out what they need most in their life and then offering a connection to somebody you know.

Somebody that can solve it.

That is probably my favorite ways to add value because I know I don't know everything, but I do know a lot of people and they know everything.

So being able to ask somebody like, oh, are you running an event there?

Do you know anybody that's in that city?

No, let me connect you to the person.

Or, hey, it sounds like you're having a hard time with Facebook marketing.

My buddy is one of the world's best.

Did you want an introduction?

Just this morning, I texted a friend friend that was working on some estate planning stuff, super technical tax stuff.

Guess what?

Not an expert.

My buddy Garrett Gunderson, the world's expert.

So I made an introduction.

That is one of the best ways to increase your people skills and not be awkward.

And if anything, add the most value to the person around you.

But the biggest problem I see people make is overthinking.

And if you want to set up every interaction to win, don't hesitate.

Now, do you remember when you were single and maybe you are today?

And you walked into a bar and you saw a beautiful person and you were like, oh my gosh, I can't believe they're here.

Who is that person?

I need to talk to them.

Not yet.

I'm not, I need a drink first.

You know, you kind of like stop and wait.

The problem is, is they saw you in the room.

And an hour later, when you finally build up the courage and you go over there, it's kind of out of the blue and a little awkward.

The best thing you could possibly do when you walk in the room and you see somebody you want to talk to, boom, hit them up.

And I would love to tell you that I'm good at this.

I'm still working on it.

The other day I was at an event and I saw somebody really famous that I've always wanted to talk to.

And even Sam on my team is like, hey, Dan, he's over there.

Go talk to him.

And I'm like, I don't want to talk to him.

What am I going to say?

He's like, go talk to him.

And I'm like, I don't want to talk to him.

He's like, dude, go talk to him.

You said you wanted to meet him.

And I was like, I need a reason, bro.

I can't come off as like Mr.

Fanboy.

I got to like have an easy way to connect.

I was wrong.

He was right.

I literally walked over there, noticed a friend, said hi to my friend, looked at the person, introduced myself.

That person says my name.

They know my content.

And all of a sudden, we had a 20-minute conversation.

If you go in right away without acting scared, you will build relationships that you didn't even know you could have.

The other one is this philosophy I I live by, which is default to action.

When you know on your heart you should, go and do it, no matter how you're feeling.

Because I believe this, every moment of hesitation is a moment lost forever.

You have to be prepared.

If you have great questions to go to, then that helps.

Being curious is a no-brainer.

Asking a person, have you always felt this way?

Have you always thought this way?

You know, what are details about the event?

Follow up with other questions.

Ask them to tell you a story.

Why?

Because it takes time to tell a story.

But if you say, is your favorite color blue?

The only answer they can give you is a yes or no.

The conversation stops.

See what I'm saying?

Now I know what I just shared might feel like a little overwhelming and a bit of a masterclass and how to do this.

And now you got to like, where do I put my hands and how do I smile?

And do I come up right away?

I get that.

You're probably feeling like it's a little chaotic.

Here's what I want you to know.

Your intention, your heart is felt before you ever show up in the room and is felt way before you ever say a word out of your mouth.

So if you just show up with a kind heart, with with a desire to help, with no alteriative motive, that energy will be felt by the person and you will come across as confident, kind, and supportive.

And those people win big in life.

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