Comedian Ari Shaffir Drinks & Answers Tough Questions: YES or NO

Speaker 1 Is this gay?

Speaker 1 Buddy, there's only one right answer. It's not straight.
Wow. Now, I am fine with that being gay.
Yeah. Because gay means happy and delightful.
No, it means lame and retarded.

Speaker 1 And that's what that was.

Speaker 1 Hello, everybody. I'm Michael Knowles.

Speaker 1 This is Yes or No.

Speaker 1 Very exciting.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Yes or No, the bibulous battle to discover who knows whom better.

Speaker 1 My guest today is comedian Ari Shafir, whose new Netflix comedy special, America's Sweetheart, is out now. We'll get to see a teaser later.
How do we play? I will ask Ari a yes or no question.

Speaker 1 He will select his answer away from my prying eyes. Then, I will guess how he answered.
If I guess correctly, I get a point. If I guess incorrectly, I lose a point.

Speaker 1 No matter how I guess, I will probably drink. Then, it's Ari's turn.
Neither of us has seen the questions beforehand.

Speaker 1 The questions cover various and sundry topics, from the philosophical to the anatomical, and everything in between.

Speaker 1 Whoever has the most points wins. The stakes could be higher.

Speaker 1 Let's get started. Ari, thank you for being here.
That was great. That was great.
That's a fancy looking drink. It's a godfather.
It's the Padron in South America. I've got a martini, though.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I think someone slipped a Mickey in it.
It's kind of fizzy. Yeah, I don't know.
You barely see a bubbly martini.

Speaker 1 Okay, I always say, chin chin to your health.

Speaker 1 You can't really cheers them.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's good. I always say if you, if you win,

Speaker 1 you get to drink. If you lose, you have to drink.
Okay. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah, I want to stumble out of here.

Speaker 1 Do you believe that to be a real comic, you cannot be offended by anything?

Speaker 1 Do you believe that to be a real comic, you cannot be offended by anything?

Speaker 1 They're good and shuffled. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that's your guess. Okay.

Speaker 1 Put it right up to you. To be a comic, you cannot.
I think you're going to say.

Speaker 1 It's tough, you know, actually.

Speaker 1 To really understand the question. You have to figure out double negatives.
You know what the other guy is going to do.

Speaker 1 I think you say

Speaker 1 no. A comedian can be offended by some things.

Speaker 1 No, okay.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 So there are some limits. Yeah, who says you can't be offended? This is sometimes you hear this, oh, pure, beautiful comedy.

Speaker 1 Someone can walk up and call your mother a whore and you have to applaud them for it or whatever. Oh, we just prefer people not be offended, but you can get offended.
You just have to like leave.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's all right. Yeah.
You can be offended. Yeah, my friend made a joke about 9-11 and there was somebody in the audience and he goes, my brother died 9-11.
And he was like, oh.

Speaker 1 This is never going to be for you.

Speaker 1 You got to go out. You got to get out of here.
We're all going to be enjoying this. It's just, you're not going to enjoy this.

Speaker 1 There's no, you're not going to, you can't tailor that joke to that guy yeah it's just like comics get offended too yeah like lame jokes comics get offended because of how lame they are yeah sometimes like uh you see it roasts that's the best you see it roasts and somebody make fun of you but they'll do something bad but then you know you're on camera so you're gonna go

Speaker 1 yeah that's that's that's offensive when it includes you too you know you're part of it yeah you're sullied by it i don't mind bad jokes as long as i don't have to be part of it yeah all right now you're up okay

Speaker 1 take your game piece away damn nice Really kind of pissed.

Speaker 1 Okay, production value on this is wild.

Speaker 1 You guys can't see it. I thought these would be printed on here.

Speaker 1 That's brand name.

Speaker 1 Brand name Scotch paper. It's not even a full tape.
They really narrowed it. Like,

Speaker 1 Jews and Pala. Okay.

Speaker 1 Jews and Palestinians could solve their differences by bonding. over their mutual love of digging tunnels.

Speaker 1 This is a comparison I have

Speaker 1 made a lot of times. And by the way, Mexicans, you're invited to the table.

Speaker 1 Jews and Palestinians could solve their differences by bonding over their mutual love of digging tunnels. Yes or no? Could Jews and Palestinians solve their differences

Speaker 1 by

Speaker 1 bonding over their mutual love of digging tunnels?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a lot to the question. Could they solve those differences?

Speaker 1 Do Do they both love digging clouds? What if they both don't? And I'm just still like, yes, they could.

Speaker 1 Okay, I've got my answer. You either think that they could solve their differences

Speaker 1 through that.

Speaker 1 I think you're, I don't know enough about you. I think you're a kind of guy who says, get him to the table and we can work anything out.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to say that you say, yes, they could solve those differences.

Speaker 1 There it is. We got a game.

Speaker 1 They could, because the other thing is, right now, we're thinking two-dimensionally. You know, we're thinking, but really, what if you change the direction of the tunnels?

Speaker 1 So, like, for instance, the Palestinians are digging tunnels into Israel. What if they dug them into Egypt or something? The Palestinians get their tunnels.

Speaker 1 The Israelis get rid of the Palestinians. Yeah.
Everyone's happy. Everyone's happy.
And then they could have like a... guest speaker like someone from Vietnam.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like let me show you about some barbecues we we had down there. You can really doll it up.
You guys are just using it for transport. You can live in these things.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's beautiful. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 A homeless person started the L.A. fires.

Speaker 1 The only way I could really know is if I'm the one who started them.

Speaker 1 And then it would be, am I homeless or not? Really Cartesian, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's a homeless person started the LA fires. bars.

Speaker 1 He's here. He's a freshman.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I don't know, but I believe it was PGE. You did, yes.

Speaker 1 Constant lack of safety measures.

Speaker 1 Did you think it was PG ⁇ E or even like

Speaker 1 Newsom himself? Oh, Newsom went in there and just.

Speaker 1 Yeah, basically, yeah. Burn it all down.
It could also have been a fat chick who's learned to be okay with her body weight, having her thighs go together so fast

Speaker 1 will start. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
With jorts or something. It just creates a friction.

Speaker 1 Yeah, when she should have. But she could have a home.
She could be housed. Yeah.
Oh, right. Exactly.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I really don't know. I don't know.
Yeah, it's funny, though. Everybody went right to like, who did it? I'm like, hey, go help them, though, first.
First time I ever went to LA,

Speaker 1 I went up. I said, I want to see the Hollywood sign.
I love cigars. So I go up.
Went up there for the first time. Did you? I lived up there for 12 years, went back for 10, and I never was up there.

Speaker 1 It's like New Yorkers with the Empire State Building. If you're there a lot, you don't go.
But I went up and I said, that's really cool. And you know what? I'm going to smoke a cigar.
And all these,

Speaker 1 they come by, they're screaming at me. I said, what's the matter? They hate smoking.
I was like Steve Martin and the jerk. I was like, this guy hates cans, you know, and I'm smoking my cigar.

Speaker 1 And then I realized it's because it can burn the whole city. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't even smoke cigarettes in your car on the way up. Yeah.
The windows up. Yeah.
They're like real strict about it. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Did they find out who actually started it or is it just a bunch of theories? No, it's going to be like Notre Dame Cathedral. They're going to, we're going to be like, it was, wasn't it the Muslims?

Speaker 1 And they'll be like, no, it was, you know, just a random cigarette or something. It's no one's going to ever find out ever, but it was probably the homeless.

Speaker 1 I will say, it might not have been PGA, but PGA has started over 1,000 fires in California. So why would you think it's not? Yeah.
You're right.

Speaker 1 That's called a lead, boys.

Speaker 1 The world would be better if everyone had at least one psychedelic trip. Now, what do I know about Michael Noles? Is he straight edge?

Speaker 1 Michael, before you answer, I'm going to tell you something. Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you believe in God? Do? I do.

Speaker 1 god makes things for reasons we can't know them all but he makes things for a reason yes

Speaker 1 why would he make mushrooms if he didn't want us to take it answer your question wow it's a lot to think about it's kind of leading the witness you know

Speaker 1 the world would be better if everyone had at least one psychedelic trip i gotta say yes you'd be crazy not to think that everyone it would obviously be better There's only one acceptable answer, Gold.

Speaker 1 Please have that's crazy. Thank you.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 How would it not be better?

Speaker 1 How wouldn't it be improved?

Speaker 1 here you talk to god he said pick up the phone i want to talk to you yeah but he he also created like you know i don't know avocados doesn't mean i want to eat them oh they're no good but he made them everyone had access to avocados it wouldn't be better yeah but now they won't because trump is slapping tariffs on you think it wouldn't be better though i know because i'm going to quote paul mccartney here okay paul mccartney gave this story he said john said He said, John said, you know, if you have some LSD, then it'll rewire your brain.

Speaker 1 And I thought, you know, well, my brain's all I got, you know, I don't want to lose my brain, man, you know. And that's kind of how I feel.
I was really tempted by psychedelics. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because listen, back in my wayward youth, man, I had a few puffs of the devil's lettuce every so often, you know, a couple of jazz cigarettes.

Speaker 1 But I had a bunch of friends that got really into acid. Yeah.
And the thing, and mushrooms.

Speaker 1 But this is the thing, though. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All it takes is one, man. And then

Speaker 1 I take some tab of acid, and then I think I'm a banana and start peeling my skin off. It's only for like 10 hours.

Speaker 1 Is it forever? What's it like?

Speaker 1 You just, you remove yourself from your ego. Yeah.
You get to view the whole world without like connection to it.

Speaker 1 And so you can look at yourself with like, oh, that's a guy who's just going through this. And you're not like trying to defend your own actions.
So you're like, oh, that guy should like his friends.

Speaker 1 He loves them more. That guy, meaning you.
You, yeah. You know everything about that guy.
You know a little bit about lots of people, but you know the most about yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But because you're like trying to defend your actions all the time. Yeah.
i don't know if that's the ego or whatever but like yeah then you don't you know improve because but if you can like

Speaker 1 even play golf yeah play best ball i i don't know both you hit a shot then you decide which which shot to hit for yeah yeah everyone ends up there's some point in the golf course where you hit one here in the sand close and i hit one further away yeah in the fairway and we both argue about which one's ball is better and you're both defending your own ball yeah but if you looked at it with like i don't know here's two balls we'd agree would you agree yeah you'd agree that one's better or that one's better But because you're like looking at your own thing,

Speaker 1 you want yours to be better. So with mushrooms, it takes away the ability.

Speaker 1 Did you find this is my big objection to mushrooms? I've had friends who got into psychedelics. And one thing they tell me, this is the one.
One, though, one, one.

Speaker 1 Okay, one. Psychedelic.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 One thing they tell me is, you know, man, I've heard this from multiple people. They'll be like, oh, yeah, you know, man.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know, man.

Speaker 1 They'll say, I just, I felt so much more at peace with with myself. Yeah.
I wasn't so worried about like sin and guilt and shame. Yeah.
But man, I think guilt and shame are great. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 I'm very pro-guilt and shame. Yeah.
You know, like I. My superpower, I don't like superpower.
I read not to be able to feel shame.

Speaker 1 So I could just do whatever I can. It's good for a comedian.
Yeah, exactly. Karens, you got it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Is this

Speaker 1 racist? And now we're going to watch a video. This is, hold on.
I need to help build a deck.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 They think they're coming over to my house to fix my deck.

Speaker 1 What they don't know is that we're not going to my house. We're going somewhere else.
I'm not going to ruin the surprise, but we'll be there in a minute. I remember this beach.

Speaker 1 Right for this for YouTube.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy.

Speaker 1 Was this like Ebalm's World or something? I know.

Speaker 1 I am.

Speaker 1 That was a long time ago. I didn't realize I was in the presence of royalty.
Yeah, thanks. This is every 14-year-old boy's first foray into the internet.
That was an amazing bit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was pretty funny. It was out there.
We did it for National Lampoons and then

Speaker 1 right at the beginning of Ebom's World. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 somebody ripped it to the internet. YouTube was early, early YouTube.
so people with no context are like what the f is this that was a great bit yeah thanks thanks

Speaker 1 okay i think you'll say it's racist yes and here's why not why you're thinking here's why it's racist it was just a racial joke those people all got we you know gave them all 50 bucks yeah that wasn't actually a uh

Speaker 1 a sting operation yeah it was a it was a librarian that nice

Speaker 1 It's because I still have that shirt. That was over 20 years ago, and I'm a Jew who who still has an article of clothing from 20 years ago.
And that is racist.

Speaker 1 Not against the Mexicans. Not against the Mexicans.
In the last place you'd look.

Speaker 1 Anti-Semitism. Yes.

Speaker 1 I remember watching that the first time. I thought, this is a very anti-Semitic video.

Speaker 1 So obvious.

Speaker 1 Wow. Amazing.
That got me a lot of death threats. Did it really? Oh, yeah.
My friend Duncan Drussel put up, it was like early, early internet, man. It was so fun.
And he just put in

Speaker 1 artistic terrorism was his website. He put in like, hey, Prank Call my friend Ari Shapir.
This is before that came out. Prank, call my friend Ari Shafir, best one.
You record it.

Speaker 1 I'll give you 20 bucks. And so then that came out.
Everyone started Googling me. I use my real name.
Duh.

Speaker 1 And then the first thing would come up: it's like, Ari Shafir with phone number. And so I would just start getting phone calls.
Like, I'll build a deck of your ass, homes.

Speaker 1 It was so great. I'm like, what is this? Wow.
Fast forward to the Trump era. You know, you're on the winning side.
It's got no life.

Speaker 1 You're Nice kids like it.

Speaker 1 Oh, here we go. Oh, this is great.
Is this gay?

Speaker 1 Dom, dum, dum.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Buddy, there's only one right answer. Yeah.
No, hold on. No, hold on.
I got to guess. I I gotta.
I know. I gotta guess.
Just that. Be a man.
Own up to what you did. Own up to your crimes.

Speaker 1 Own up to your crimes. And the production value.
All of you were part of that.

Speaker 1 It's obviously gay.

Speaker 1 It's so freaking gay. It is gay.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It's not straight. Wow.
Now, wow. How did you not get deported from

Speaker 1 a music town for that? I'm going to tell you, though, I am fine with that being gay. Yeah.
Because I want to reclaim the word. You know, gay means happy and delightful.

Speaker 1 And right now, like, for instance, have you heard this term, the woke? No, it means lame and retarded. And that's what that was.
Well, but even, I was thinking about this the other day.

Speaker 1 I was thinking about this. So, so gay is like happy.
I can't even look at you. No, listen, I don't, my, my shoes are brown.
I'm not even wearing the suede ones now. You're right wearing socks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I'm still not wearing socks. And I can do a little pot of beret.
But I, the, so you ever heard of the woke right? Have you heard of this new phrase? The woke right. It's like, I love it.

Speaker 1 It's referring.

Speaker 1 It's like the fascist yeah it's karen's on the other side so yeah so it's but if that if it means that the extreme edgy hip if that means that woke is the new based which means the new base woke is the new based which means straight is the new gay and then i was even thinking the etymology of the word can i use a naughty word there's a lot of dancing around and apologizing hold on can i can i say it maybe they can bleep it out the word

Speaker 1 Yeah, it etymologically, it's related to fascist, like bundle of sticks. Okay.

Speaker 1 so basically but it means something different now but now well that's what i'm saying if can we reclaim the word like instead of being based straight patriotic should we be is it now cool to be woke gay

Speaker 1 no no

Speaker 1 sexual that had nothing to do with that

Speaker 1 that whole thing was gay the production value was gay the little wink thing was gay the the thinking you're awesome that was gay

Speaker 1 that was from start to finish gay i could see someone goes hey how about we do a take where you get on the table? It's gay. They're gay for suggesting it.
You're gay for doing it.

Speaker 1 That's gay.

Speaker 1 I'm out of here.

Speaker 1 Here's my only defense. I'm part of this.
My only other defense.

Speaker 1 Throw yourself at the court and the mercy of them.

Speaker 1 They initially wanted me to wear a turtleneck, too. Oh.
So, okay. So that's a little straighter.
Yeah, thanks for fighting back. Yeah.
Okay. All right.
Well, I take my licks.

Speaker 1 And by the way, I'm not gay, even though my boyfriend is. All right.

Speaker 1 Don't forget that. Now, I will tease you you no longer, my friends.
My best-selling game, yes or no, exclusively available at Daily Wired Shop, is expanding yet again. Oh, really? The all it is.

Speaker 1 The all-new yes or no dating and relationships expansion pack is now available for free order. Look at that.
Look at that beautiful pack. Got a nice little heart in the middle there.
Good design.

Speaker 1 You can test your relationships and how well you know those around you by exploring such topics as stay-at-home girlfriends or just modern-day concubines, bird babies, or please do. Yeah, please.

Speaker 1 What's that one say? Relationships should have defined roles, e.g.,

Speaker 1 so this network.

Speaker 1 Any of those you read could end your career. Daily Wire is hilarious.

Speaker 1 Marriages fail because of lack of communication. Oh my God, this whole thing is gay.

Speaker 1 It's okay to break up our text messages. Now we're back to normal.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not really. This is a game within a game.
Yeah. This is a game.

Speaker 1 This is a relationship game. So this will make your relationship stronger.
They will. Guaranteed.
If you go to dailywire.com slash shop today. If you play these on mushrooms, it'll hit far harder.

Speaker 1 It'll be great for your relationship. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, these are pretty fun.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 1 We'll give you a great discount on that. 10% off for you, my friend, my friend.

Speaker 1 Virtual history.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay, I've got one for you. I mean, did Ben Shapiro see that?

Speaker 1 He directed that, actually.

Speaker 1 He wrote it.

Speaker 1 We've overcomplicated cancel culture. It's not about the left or right.

Speaker 1 It's really just Kobe Bryant fans.

Speaker 1 Wow. What's your answer?

Speaker 1 I say.

Speaker 1 Should I get one of those martinis? I kind of want a godfather. Yeah, let's swap these.
Luisa, I get a godfather. I'd get a little backup godfather.
I'd catch up. I say you say yes.

Speaker 1 no there is no cancel culture it's a geezer term that's about five years ago literally nobody's talking about it anymore why did it end

Speaker 1 because it's like every word you guys expanded it so much

Speaker 1 expanded so much the way it has no meaning anymore nazi fascist it doesn't mean the same thing so you have different people arguing about different word like meanings yeah so like is this guy a nazi somebody's clearly yes someone a holocaust survivor's son was like clearly no right then we'll never communicate we're talking about different things right

Speaker 1 and that's what happened here. Yeah.
Yeah. I do.

Speaker 1 It was it. You'll never have ability to work again.
Some people say that. Other people are like, are you losing work over it? Yeah.
Other people are like, is it just mean you got in trouble?

Speaker 1 So we're all talking about different stuff. So they just kind of went away.
Just do your work. Yeah.
Yeah. I agree.
Even I think 15 years ago, people be like, you're a racist.

Speaker 1 It's like, no, I'm not. No, I'm not, man.
Seriously. And, but now people say, you're racist.
You know,

Speaker 1 sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Who cares? Whatever.

Speaker 1 It's the dumbest issue in America. We're constantly talking about it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You're right. Yo, I'm giving you that.
I'll admit when I'm wrong. Let's go.
I'll admit when I'm wrong. Yeah.
And I'll admit when I'm gay.

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Speaker 1 Being a female comedian isn't hard. Oh boy, this is going to go somewhere.

Speaker 1 They're like, why would you not go to

Speaker 1 this?

Speaker 1 Are you sure? I'm like, what do you mean? Yeah, why not? What would they make me say on camera? Yeah. Being a female comedian is not hard.
You just need to be hefty, dikey, or Jewish. Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Oof.

Speaker 1 Hefty.

Speaker 1 You didn't shy away from dikey, but you shied away from fat.

Speaker 1 By the way, the twist of orange in here, whoever made this, that's a solid, that's great. A lot of people miss that.
That's an impressive drink. Okay, I've got my answer down.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say, what would you say?

Speaker 1 It's not what I'd say. Not what you'd say.
You have no ownership of this opinion. How well do you know stand-up? I heard you didn't know who Nate Bargatzi was until a week ago.

Speaker 1 I do, but I heard the name. He's the number one grossing comedian in the world.

Speaker 1 So you don't know anything about comedy.

Speaker 1 I know the beginning and end of comedy. Yeah.
Norm McDonald. That's all I know about comedy.

Speaker 1 I'm hoping you're going to say, oh, man. Yeah.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think you're going to say yes, but I don't know. Hold on.
I'm not saying this yet.

Speaker 1 It is, oh, there's more to it. Because what if you say yes and then I say no and then you look at that? So you don't watch any stand-up? I watch some stand-ups.
Just norm. Just norm clips on Reap.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, some other guys, sometimes.

Speaker 1 There's definitely more to it. I think you're going to say yes, but there's definitely more to it than that.
It doesn't, it's just my opinion. It's just your opinion.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and you say no.

Speaker 1 Come on. You knew the answer.
I knew it. You knew the answer.
There's so much more to it. Please.
It's not that easy. Let me tell you.
You don't have to write good jokes.

Speaker 1 You don't think I know shit in fat lesbian Jew comics?

Speaker 1 There's so much more to it. You still got to be able to do that.

Speaker 1 Would you say at least that is the minimum condition required? No, you can be hot now too. Everything's different.
Dane Cook changed everything. It's not for dorks anymore.

Speaker 1 There's like attractive people coming in. I hate it.

Speaker 1 It's gross. I think what happened?

Speaker 1 This was a calling card. And now it's all different.
These people like have nice hair. They got, look like you.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 It's so much harder. You know, that was not.

Speaker 1 That's another old one. That's another old.

Speaker 1 That's not my opinion. 10 years ago term.
Actually,

Speaker 1 the guy whose opinion that was, he wrote an essay in Vanity Fair. Yeah.

Speaker 1 he's been dead for like 10 years michael hutchins it was christopher hitchens christopher hitchens christopher hitchens his view was that they have to be hefty dyke your jones it was a long time ago after that started so let me just tell you what happened but who are the after that started yeah a bunch of women who hadn't even started yet got into stand-up not because of that but it so these 15-year comics that are now like running the world yeah were post that who Because

Speaker 1 I could name some exceptions to the rule, but exceptions prove the rules.

Speaker 1 Who are the female comedians who are funny, who are actually funny? Yeah. and they can even be tv comedians they don't have to be just standard

Speaker 1 who are who don't fit one of those three categories hefty

Speaker 1 man

Speaker 1 adrian's fat

Speaker 1 uh michelle wolf michelle wolf okay and you would say she's funny oh yeah she's great really oh she was like the best female comic of the world at some point she was definitely famous No, you see her Netflix stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Her stand-up.
Really? Is it funny? Okay, all right, I'll take your channel. I worked the white chick so hard.
Really?

Speaker 1 She speaks for all of us.

Speaker 1 Because we can, you you know how they're like well you can't say that about black people or the military or whatever because you're not in there she's the white chick going you just have to calm down

Speaker 1 she's she was all of us yeah okay she's a great example okay yeah there's that there's so many alex cumin i there's just like a ton in new york it's it's like all right when i used to work at the comedy store people would call in i'd work the phones they'd be like is jim carry gonna be there i'm like no yeah they're like how about eddie murphy i'm like no and then it was like how about this and it was like hey listen anyone you've heard of is bad now Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is not a current stand-up comic. The real stand-ups are like in it now.
Yeah, of course. But I also know a lot of like Lesbo comics that are funny,

Speaker 1 but that's not the requirement. But no, Jewish comics.
That's a geezer take. No, no, no, that's a geezer take.
That's a geezer take. Okay, look, I'll have to.
I get it.

Speaker 1 You're just not around stand-up. I'll have to.
I should have gone yes because I should have known that would be the take. I'll take the points.
That's fine by me. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 There is a video to be played.

Speaker 1 It is absolutely wild times. It really, really.
I was there for this.

Speaker 1 Really? I was. This is the only Trump I know.

Speaker 1 It's rare that you will play a homosexual comedian. There's literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now.
Yeah. I think it's called Puerto Rico.

Speaker 1 Okay. All right.
Tony rules.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. That's one of my best friends.
Technically speaking,

Speaker 1 is Puerto Rico, in fact, a floating pile of garbage? No, you're not hearing that. I have to guess how you would guess.
I'm

Speaker 1 technically speaking.

Speaker 1 So we're talking geology here. Yeah, dude, I'm already Jewish.
You don't have to say that. Okay, all right.
So the answer you would say is yes. No, it doesn't float.
Oh.

Speaker 1 What? That's crazy. Do you think, oh my God, that's so sad, buddy? Do you think islands float?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm really sorry. No, it goes all the way down.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's just garbage, to the seabed.

Speaker 1 It was the only Trump ride. How was it? Well, so the way they played it, you'd think he was doing a buddy routine with Trump on stage.
That was like six hours before Trump got there. So wait.

Speaker 1 So he goes, he gets there and he does this whole like 30-minute thing about it. And he gets there and he goes, hey, I'm here.

Speaker 1 I have these notes I wrote like on this tiny piece of paper because I can't let the lady next to me see what I'm writing

Speaker 1 on the plane. And he goes, do you have the teleprompter? And they go, no, it's too late for that.
He goes, oh, all right. Well, I got to memorize these jokes real quick.
And they go, when am I going?

Speaker 1 They're like, you're going first. And he goes,

Speaker 1 he goes, oh, that's no way. I'm a dirty comedian.
Yeah. He goes, I don't go first at night.
It's like noon. It's noon.

Speaker 1 What a terrible order. He said he saw afterwards everyone coming in with like all the, all the, like, the, the tweets were coming in.
Like, how dare this guy?

Speaker 1 And he goes, and then he looks up and there's a magician on stage. He goes, why is that guy not before me?

Speaker 1 You're doing like painting. Wrong order.
Yeah. So how did it go?

Speaker 1 it so i had just gotten there you got to figure out he's playing at this point it's at madison square garden 80 is empty because people aren't getting there for four more hours so i'm there at this point i mean there are still a lot of people there's still probably i don't know 2 000 3 000 yeah but in a 25 000 seater by the way the last time he was there yeah performed for a sold out match

Speaker 1 for his show yeah yeah so it's like different vibe he's going into this jarring thing but i thought it was so great it reminded me watching anybody or were you kind of glancing at it from yeah i mean i was there i was was like getting my whatever hot dog and

Speaker 1 a drink. But I was listening to it and I was like, oh, this is different.
And it reminded me. I remember Jon Stewart reacted to Clint Eastwood doing the empty chair bit at the RNC.

Speaker 1 And everyone was piling on Eastwood. And Jon Stewart said, oh, man, I loved it.
It was so refreshing. It was so different than anything you hear at these.

Speaker 1 I thought it was great. I thought it was so funny.
People had friends there. They'd go like, no, you did well.
Yeah. And they're just not really mic'd for

Speaker 1 like that. no, in terms of the like just the people sitting around me in a largely empty stadium, yeah, they loved it.
I mean, that was a straight stand-up job.

Speaker 1 That's just like that's political people suck, yeah. They just were just like, Let's just offer this guy up.
Who cares if it's true or not?

Speaker 1 Let's just miss misrepresent what happened for our own personal gain. It's all Game of Thrones, right and left.
You guys are all doing Game of Thrones.

Speaker 1 Also, though, that joke, yeah, do you know any Puerto Ricans who were offended by that joke? No, well, I make a point to not be around. Not know any Puerto Ricans.
No, no, I do. I do know.

Speaker 1 I do know what His father was stabbed, but

Speaker 1 that's forget that stereotype. But

Speaker 1 Luis Gomez.

Speaker 1 But no, no, none. And also, there's almost no undecided voters that time.
And then they tried to broaden it from Puerto Ricans to all Latinos. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And other Latinos are like, you know, a lot of us hate each other.

Speaker 1 Most of us actually.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You guys are acting like one unit that's all going to be offended by humor.
It was so dumb. It's so like,

Speaker 1 it really made me hate all politicians that they'll do this to my industry. Yeah.
Take it out of context and intentionally like offer someone its whole life up. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 But because you got to figure at that point,

Speaker 1 it was two weeks before the election. So the Dems were like, well, whatever.
We're going to treat that guy like he's Trump's vice president. You know, he's the running name.

Speaker 1 Exactly. It's funny.

Speaker 1 Some comedians got upset about it. Really? And I tried to reach out to them compassionately, like, you know, not like publicly, just like.
message.

Speaker 1 They got upset by the joke or the fact that he did a gig for Trump. Yeah, that's what it came down to.
Yeah. They're like, it's racist.
I'm like, it's not, it means this and this.

Speaker 1 And also, he's like, Tony's like obsessed with the refuse problem in Puerto Rico. They actually abandoned the

Speaker 1 nation state. I don't know what you call it, even.

Speaker 1 I also live in a very liberal area, Manhattan. And when Trump said that Puerto Rico is not part of America, and everyone's like, all the liberals, like, that's, is that wrong?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's crazy. How dare you? Yeah.
Like, they were just out right then. That's it's a protectorate.
Is it a principality? I don't. But I said that, but they see him as Hitler, as Adolf Hitler.

Speaker 1 And it doesn't matter what the joke meant to them.

Speaker 1 You're trying to get Hitler back in charge of the United States of America.

Speaker 1 So to them, it's like, joke work, joke not work. What does that have to do with it? So you can't get through it.

Speaker 1 Same thing. They're speaking different languages.
He could have gone up and said, why the chicken crossed the road? And you would have had half the country furious at him for it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, exactly. Why are you even there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't even hold a door open for that. Yeah.
I mean, and imagine if they really believe that.

Speaker 1 It's like the guy who shot up the, who brought a shotgun to the Pizzagate place. Yeah, right.
Like he really thought he was trying to free kids. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Like you're doing the right thing, morally. You were just misinformed.
Yeah, the premise might have been a little skew. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And when they told everybody this guy's a racist who's trying to get Hitler elected, they're kind of doing the right thing. If I had to be compassionate, yeah.
They're like, oh, yeah, that's bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're like the guy who shot up the Pizzagate place. Yeah, that's

Speaker 1 a compliment, I think.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. People who shoot up abortion clinics do.
They really think it's murder. So it's like, I get it.
Yeah. But don't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you may. I want to.
Yeah. Here we go.
And then I got you some olives to snack on. Ooh, snacking olives?

Speaker 1 Are those blue cheese? Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 Thank you, sir. This is good stuff.
Wow.

Speaker 1 So I had that. I traveled all over.
I was in Ecuador for like six months during the pandemic. My industry was done.
Yeah, why not? Yeah. Gathering was over.

Speaker 1 And Padrones is huge in South America. Are they really? Yeah, named after the godfather.

Speaker 1 A lot of Italians, you know, made it that way after a certain global conflict down to argentina and those areas oh wow

Speaker 1 maybe that might be it okay uh europe

Speaker 1 i'm feeling the tension now now i'm gonna play the game

Speaker 1 this network is great was this a tad transphobic play it if it is false for the good of society and especially for the good of the poor people who have fallen prey to this confusion, transgenderism must be eradicated from public life entirely.

Speaker 1 The whole preposterous ideology

Speaker 1 at every level.

Speaker 1 Transphobism should be trans transgenderism. Transgenderism should be eradicated.
Transgenderism. Was this

Speaker 1 word tad?

Speaker 1 Was it a tad? Tad. Was this a tad transphobic? Okay, I'm going to put my answer.

Speaker 1 A tad. A tad.
I know it's yo, so you want to be like, not at all, but was it a tad transphobic? Okay, I'll get my answer to. It's got to be yes.
It's got to be a tad. A minimum, a tad.

Speaker 1 Not even a sneaker. Not even a transparent way.
You want to even go tad? Because to be phobic, to be phobic, it has to be an irrational fear. But that was a very rational statement.

Speaker 1 Phobic is irrational? And irrational. Like arachnophobia is the rational fear of spiders.

Speaker 1 So it's just a fear of spiders. I believe it has to be irrational.
Like, I can't be

Speaker 1 lion eat my face phobic because a lion might eat my face, you know? I think it's got to be an irrational

Speaker 1 it could be phobic of spiders or not happy so what would be phobic of like dangerous spiders that would be uh yeah i don't be reasonable i guess common sense okay so i think you got me on the phobic because

Speaker 1 yeah right i say it's got to be reasonable but it's definitely not

Speaker 1 it's not pro-phobic is not a fear of gays it's a rational fear now i have a very rational fear of gays like that they might you know make my style better or you know, yeah, like decorate my neighborhood.

Speaker 1 Very good style. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Well, you saw the video earlier. So, yeah.
I should have known how you were going to guess. There's no way you would have.
There was no way you would have said that was rough.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You're up. Phobic is irrational.
Is that true? Can we look that up? Yeah. I want to

Speaker 1 talk on this.

Speaker 1 This is a rapid fire round. I will read three questions, one after the other.
You will have 30 seconds to answer all three.

Speaker 1 The clock starts.

Speaker 1 now. Are some religions better than others?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Do ghosts or other supernatural entities reveal themselves at cemeteries?

Speaker 1 Yes, sometimes.

Speaker 1 No. All right, whatever.

Speaker 1 For RFK Jr. to make America healthy again, he needs fat shaming to come back.

Speaker 1 To make America...

Speaker 1 Does he need that in order to make America healthy again? You know, obviously he does.

Speaker 1 Obviously, he does. Obviously, he can do it another way, too.

Speaker 1 It would help. It would help.
He could. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. All right.

Speaker 1 This godfather.

Speaker 1 He can do it other ways.

Speaker 1 Rapid fire.

Speaker 1 Boy, buddy. Please don't put me in trouble.

Speaker 1 Is Louis C.K. overrated?

Speaker 1 No, he's not. No, he's not.
He's not overrated. Wow, that's overrated.

Speaker 1 Do you think Diddy killed Tupac?

Speaker 1 No. It's more than likely.
Yeah, probably. I thought it had him killed.
I don't think it did it up. Yes.
Republicans should forgive Bud Light.

Speaker 1 No, Transizer Bush needs to be made an example.

Speaker 1 I should know.

Speaker 1 I'm answering my own answer. Oh, all right.
Wait, so hold this. I need a napkin.

Speaker 1 I've done one. Look at this disaster.

Speaker 1 Well, because how are you supposed to move fast fast with a martini glass it's the least functional glass in the world yeah you got a good one that was so great for the back half of the game yeah final question both answer

Speaker 1 we're not in a rush right

Speaker 1 okay do you think president trump will make it to the end of his term

Speaker 1 I mean, this asks a lot of questions. One, about the state of health care for elderly people in the United States.

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 what happened to American marksmanship? It's been on the downturn. So that's another extenuating circumstance.
And Iranian marksmanship. Yeah.
And access to golf courses seem pretty easy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe they should have more security on those. So you think, or will he just be like, actually, this sucks.
You guys suck. I'm out.

Speaker 1 Also possible. At the inauguration, I could have easily said him going, nope, not doing that.

Speaker 1 I'm done. He's wondering if I'm going to win.
Give me that pension. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So will, do I think you think, and do you think I think that President Trump will make it to the end of his term?

Speaker 1 What does the Daily Wire think?

Speaker 1 Specifically me?

Speaker 1 Yeah. There might be different opinions of the Daily Wire.
You're Italian. I'm Italian.
Can I ask a second chorus question?

Speaker 1 You may. For knot points? No.

Speaker 1 Are you ready to tell the American public that your original name was cannolis?

Speaker 1 It was anglicized at Ellis Island.

Speaker 1 It was initially Michael Chocolate Sprinkle Cannolis. Yeah, and you just changed the spelling.
I did. I did.
I did. But it is cannolis.

Speaker 1 If you look in the old parish register in Sicily, it's chocolate sprinkle cannolis. Okay.
K

Speaker 1 apostrophe, N-O-W-L-E-S. Canolies.
Yeah. Okay, so will Donald Trump make it to the end of his term? What do we think that you'll say, and what do I think that you'll say? You got your answer.

Speaker 1 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is for game. This is for the game.

Speaker 1 Do I think you think

Speaker 1 Donald Trump will make it to the end of his term? I mean, they're coming after him hard. Got an extra game left.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 You think that he's dead now, right? But do you think that guy is like in heaven or whatever, in hell? Which one? Jimmy Carter? The first one. We got him, got his ear.
Biden? Oh, that guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that guy. He's like, oh, wait,

Speaker 1 I got him votes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that might be the... He said, and I got him votes.

Speaker 1 That's the most meritorious thing that guy ever did.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I think you're going to say yes. We're both right.
Okay. Wait.

Speaker 1 So we tie.

Speaker 1 It's a tie. It's a tie at zero.
It's a tie at zero, which is really what politics is all about.

Speaker 1 When you don't get anywhere ahead by engulfing yourself in this negative,

Speaker 1 you're all tied to zero, both right and left what go outside talk to your friends call your mom do something of merit yeah certain roses smell well other smoses smell terrible yeah what roses smell terrible well none smell terrible

Speaker 1 this is such yeah a good metaphor for politics yeah we've been for like an hour

Speaker 1 yeah we did nothing has been accomplished nothing was accomplished nothing happened I know somebody that was setting up a provisional government in Afghanistan in the army. It's only a year.

Speaker 1 He was there, stationed there for one year. Yeah.
And they had to negotiate on what's the percentage of Shiites, percentage of Sunnis, Sunnis, and what percentage of there's another group.

Speaker 1 What are like the

Speaker 1 ones who live like,

Speaker 1 yeah, I think it was the Orthodox, Orthodox Jewish Muslims. And they had to like, no, no, we should have a higher percentage.
We should have a higher percentage. No, that should be lower.

Speaker 1 And they finally, finally, after almost 11 and a half months, agreed, okay, these are the percentages. It's like, fine.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Have a weekend on Monday. We're all going to meet.
It'll be a first committee. And they go, I'm not sitting in the room with a Shiite.

Speaker 1 And you're like, oh, and then his tour was over and nothing was accomplished.

Speaker 1 And we're getting there.

Speaker 1 You know, whether it's the joys of stereotyping or the beauty of drug addiction, Ari Shafir focuses on the positive in this darkly uplifting special. Check out this tease for America's Sweetheart.

Speaker 1 People are going to get killed.

Speaker 1 So, who better than a child?

Speaker 1 They don't contribute to the GDP, like at all.

Speaker 1 Guys.

Speaker 1 I'm joking.

Speaker 1 I hope you understand that. Remember when you couldn't kill Asian people for three months, four years ago?

Speaker 1 I've been having so much fun. I've been shoplifting like a lot.

Speaker 1 Black people, you gotta be white someday. It rules so fucking hard.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's the best.

Speaker 1 Black people, honestly, I hope you get white privilege someday soon. But until that happens, man, you make excellent decoys.

Speaker 1 If I'm at CVS and three brothers walk in, I'm like, it's go time.

Speaker 1 I just turned invisible.

Speaker 1 Nice. Thanks.
Ari. Good promo.
Nobody plays this tough. Having not won or lost this game,

Speaker 1 I was was feeling totally neutral.

Speaker 1 But now I feel actually a lot better about that. I can't wait for that special.
Yeah. Watch it.
It's fun. It's about like ignoring politics.
Good, good. Finding better things to focus on.
Blessed you

Speaker 1 to be avoiding. I'm trying to fight back.
All the nonsense. That's great.
Ari, thank you, sir. Thanks, Michael.
It was a pleasure. It was cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a great

Speaker 1 and guys, everyone in the audience, you're going home with a yes or no card game.

Speaker 1 You're going home with a yes or no card.

Speaker 1 You get one card from the game.