Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships

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Hi there.

So glad to be with you here on the Oprah Podcast.

This is where we are having conversations around ideas that I certainly hope are going to make your life better, more enhanced.

And maybe you'll see yourself in my guests or hear something that sparks a new way of thinking about something that you're struggling with.

You'll have an aha to remind you of what you

know and what your true wisdom has always been.

My guest guest today says, our relationships determine our happiness in life.

Well, isn't that just the truth?

And if you're like me, if my relationships are out of whack or not in a good place, then everything else is off-kilter.

Like when you have an argument with somebody who's close to you and you love, it throws everything else off.

And there is no happiness without first taking care of our relationships.

And so I'm so happy that Jillian Tareki, who is a certified relationship coach, a teacher, and host of the hit podcast, Jillian on Love.

Almost 3 million of you are following her advice on Instagram.

Well, Jillian wrote a book, her very first book, called It Begins With You, the Nine Hard Truths About Love that Will Change Your Life.

So welcome to the tea house.

Ah, thank you for having me.

Every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves.

Period, end of story.

Jillian Tureki is a rising star in relationship advice.

And it is not your job to try to convince someone to be ready for you or to choose you.

Her smart, no-nonsense guidance is resonating with a growing loyal audience.

Some relationships don't work out because you both were too immature to make it work out.

Her book, It Begins With You, was an instant New York Times bestseller.

Her hit podcast, Jillian on Love, is being called one of the best relationship podcasts.

And she is the daughter of renowned psychiatrist Dr.

Stanley Tureki, whose 1985 book, The Difficult Child, was once considered the definitive work on dealing with what would then call hard-to-raise children.

And you write on page 214, I was a highly sensitive child who felt his darkness so intensely, it disturbed me.

Yes.

Did you and your father ever find peace?

So many people have been telling me to have Jillian on my podcast.

I'm just terrified of not being enough.

The fear of pain is making you push away good men.

I want you to make a deeper connection.

And sometimes that deep connection doesn't come on the first date.

If you're ready to find out how all your relationships begin with you, this is your episode.

Just go for it.

I see that you are in a moment.

Do you feel that moment for yourself?

I do.

Absolutely feel like I'm in a moment.

I feel a moment of rising

because someone mentioned you to me.

Have I seen your new book?

And then someone else mentioned your name.

And then my niece, Krishna, sent me a video.

And so I'm thinking, and this is all within a period of two or three days.

So I'm thinking, okay,

that's the magic of three.

Let's call Jillian.

And then I find out that we have this long time connection that I didn't even know about.

So how are you navigating the rise?

I'm navigating it.

You know,

it's a wild ride.

It's a wild ride.

I navigate it by staying grounded through my yoga practice, through meditation, and through just trying to stay as present as I can.

I think that's the key for all things, really.

So I want to start at the beginning of the book.

I mean, whoa, did you have a wham damn doozel of the beginning of a book?

Yeah.

You say that on June 2nd, 2014, my life fell apart.

My mother had recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer, you say,

and given three months to live.

And you say, that morning, I suffered my third miscarriage.

And my husband left me.

He broke up with me over the phone.

I woke up that morning.

That was a very early pregnancy.

And I woke up that morning to bleeding.

And it occurred to me that what was happening.

You were having a miscarriage.

Yes.

And

he was already at work because he had to go to work really early.

And I called him and I said, I have to go to the gynecologist just to get blood work to make sure that this is what's happening.

Yeah.

Can you come with me?

Can you meet me there?

And he said, no, I'm really busy at work.

And I said, okay.

So I went by myself.

And this was something I had to do by by myself before.

Yeah.

And then it was confirmed.

And so

I came home and I texted him saying, what time are you going to be home tonight?

And he said, I'm going to stay at my parents.

And I said, and I knew in my bones, in my body, that he was fleeing.

And I said, well, what do you mean?

And then I called him.

And what ensued was a conversation where he was basically telling me that we are on two different paths.

And I was,

I went a little hysterical because I thought, you know, you can't do this this way.

You can't do it like this.

That's very wrong.

I kept saying to him, it's not the right thing to do.

And you're going to regret it.

And you're the one who's going to have to live with that for the rest of your life.

But

he never, yes, did we see each other again for sure?

But did he ever come home again?

Never again.

Wow.

And you felt what?

Devastation.

Devastation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Devastation.

I remember having this thought: oh, this is what it means when someone says that their world has completely fallen apart.

This is what it means when everybody's.

Your mom's been given three months to live with terminal cancer.

You've had your third miscarriage, and your husband says, I'm not coming home.

Yes.

And it's just not working out for me.

Had you sensed that it wasn't working?

We had problems.

I always said that before we got married, our relationship was about 90% great and 10% very problematic.

Now, you could say, well, that's a pretty good stat.

But the 10% that was problematic was profoundly problematic.

The things that today I would never ignore.

So people think that when they get married, their problems are going to go away.

That the marriage is going to heal that.

The marriage is going to heal it.

No, the marriage only

shines a light.

It puts a big magnifying glass on it.

Correct.

That's what it does.

So then the 10% became the 90% and the 90% became the 10%.

So our marriage was very problematic, somewhat focused around the fact that I wanted to wait to have children.

He wanted children right away.

We didn't have those important conversations.

And he started to do this thing where if he were upset with me, he would completely withdraw and completely shut down, which was a humongous trigger for me.

And he did it a little bit before we got married.

And there was something very significant that happened before we were married where he pulled away.

And I didn't handle it in a way that I would have handled it today.

That if you had been more mature or wisened,

you would have said, uh-uh.

Yes.

Not me.

Not me.

Or more courageous and more sure of myself.

And so

you

picked yourself off the floor.

You were devastated.

Yeah.

And how long after that moment were you able to start to rebuild?

Well,

when that happened, I became obsessed with two things.

One, how am I going to get myself out of this hole?

How am I going to get myself off the ground?

Yes.

And two,

what makes a relationship work?

Because I could not believe, I mean, now looking back, I can understand it, but at the time, I could not believe that I was 40 and

getting a divorce or separated,

and that

this was my destiny.

That's how I thought of it.

That's not the narrative you had written for yourself.

And I could not believe that I was in this position.

I had been a yogi for many years.

I considered myself to be mature.

I considered myself to be self-aware.

And so it was shocking to me.

And I thought, I need to figure this out.

I must figure this out.

And it became an obsession.

Oh.

So let's talk about your father for a moment.

Famed psychiatrist Dr.

Stanley Tarecki.

I remember him in 1985.

He wrote a best-selling book called The Difficult Child.

And I remember having him on the Oprah show

a couple times and

people really loving his advice because the advice was all about how to handle the difficult child.

And part of that,

part of that theory was, it's not your fault if you have a difficult child.

Children are just born that way.

Yeah.

And these are the things you need to do.

Now, isn't part of the problem that parents want their children to conform to whatever their needs are at the moment?

That is part of the problem.

And if you have one of these children of a kind that I described, they almost always are highly individualistic, very interesting, and they don't give in easily.

And so you can have a lot of power struggles between a parent who says this is the way it should be and the child who simply will not give up on their own preferences.

What was the premise of that book in your mind?

Yeah, that children are born with a, we're all born with a specific genetic makeup that gives, that makes it so that we have a proclivity towards a certain

personality or certain, he wouldn't use, he didn't use this word, but like a certain nervous system, a certain way of being, and that you might have this difficult child.

That is just their nature.

And that is just their nature.

And so if you are are struggling, here's the compassion.

You know, it's not you, it's not your fault.

You didn't create this.

And here are the tools on how to create more peace in your family life because the difficult child is definitely disrupting.

Okay, so here's our connection.

It turns out you were the difficult child he was talking about in the title.

How did that label impact you?

Well, hugely because he mentioned me in the book.

And the new edition, he took that out for my request.

So of course, as a young child, I was like, I'm famous.

This is amazing.

I felt significant.

I felt like a book is being written about me.

This is amazing.

Yes.

And then as I started to get older, I realized, wow, this label is like a heavy bag that's resting on my shoulders that I can't get off.

It follows me wherever I go.

And so if I.

But he did say you were funny and you had other personality traits that were.

Absolutely.

He said, and that, and that once I became a certain age i

grew out of it i grew out of it so all is not lost um so i yes but it was all part of this

this he called it a syndrome the difficult child syndrome so the difficult children can also be incredibly creative they can have good a lot of them can have good social skills you know these are not the children who need to be hospitalized for behavioral stuff they kind of teeter that line and um i just thought every time I made a mistake or every time I was very sensitive to something, because that really is what a difficult, quote-unquote, difficult child is, I do believe that we have certain nervous systems that we are born into for, and that can start in the womb.

And some people are just more sensitive than others.

And so when you're a child and you have a high degree of sensitivity, you don't know and you don't have the emotional regulation skills.

The only emotional regulation skills you're learning are those of mom and dad.

That's right.

And my parents had a terrible marriage.

And you write on page 214, I was a highly sensitive child who felt his darkness so intensely, it disturbed me.

Yes.

And you're talking about your own father.

What was the dynamic between you and your father?

My father was a very complicated man.

He struggled a lot with bipolar, a very severe form of bipolar that was not diagnosed when I was a child.

So you didn't know it was bipolar?

No, nor did you.

Yes, and so you just have all these mood swings that you can't predict.

That you can't predict.

Yes.

And so that made what kind of a relationship for the two of you?

So I felt his moods very intensely, and he scared me.

He never laid a hand on me.

But his energy was very dark and very unpredictable because I saw more of the serious depressive side.

And he was a psychiatrist, so

he was very brilliant, so he had a very analytical mind, and he was never present.

He was always in his head.

And so I would pick up on the tension that he had in his body, and then

he was unavailable.

Like you couldn't ever really reach him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And if you're a kid, you're going to blame that on yourself.

As a child, you don't have the language to explain, oh, this is a bipolar thing that's happening and he's never present.

He's not present with anybody.

You're thinking the reason why he feels so distant and removed and shut down is because of me.

Yes, something I'm doing wrong.

And you write on page 138, inside all of us is a child who desperately yearns to be loved by a partner the way a parent would ideally love us, and that is unconditionally.

And that's what every relationship is actually seeking.

Did you and your father ever find peace?

I found some peace with him before he passed away.

I had to wake up one day because I decided to be estranged from him.

One day I decided to stop returning his calls.

And I thought if I just never spoke to him again, that I would be okay, that that would be the solution

to whatever suffering I was feeling.

And the reality is it didn't solve anything because it's just, it's the ultimate form of avoidance.

Yes.

I just pushed it down and pretended like he didn't exist.

And then only years later, the joke's on me.

No, no, no, he exists.

And actually, the monster monster grows because the more you avoid, the more it actually lives inside you and controls you.

Yeah.

For sure.

For sure.

For sure.

Well, I appreciate you so much spending your very valuable time with us today.

I know your life is busy, so taking this time to learn something new or pausing to listen to a conversation means a lot to me.

Coming up, Jillian's advice for a divorced mom who says she's terrified of ever getting married again, plus a professional mountain climber looking to conquer his fear of intimacy.

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Welcome back to the Oprah podcast.

I'm here with relationship coach Jillian Turecki, the host of the hip podcast Jillian on love.

We're talking about her new instant best-selling book, It Begins With You, the nine hard truths about love that will change your life.

So,

Jillian, the question is, how did your

experience or life experience, your relationship with your father, your relationship with your husband leaving you, lead you to this moment of wisdom that is resonating especially with women.

So as I said, I became obsessed and so with figuring out what makes a relationship work.

And so I worked with coaches.

I worked with, I have

mentors that I've had really since then.

And I put my entire life into understanding relationships and the concept of love.

And I always felt there was something, because I had been a yoga teacher for many years and I always felt like there was something more for me and I didn't know what it was and then I discovered it was this and I said you know this is what I'm gonna do this is I'm gonna teach people about love and about relationships and I'm gonna continue to teach people how to fortify the relationship with themselves not just through yoga, but actually in the way that they think, particularly in their relationships.

Okay, and that's where it begins with you came from.

Okay, and so I love this idea that you express it on page 138.

Let me share it with you all again.

Inside Inside all of us is a child who desperately yearns to be loved by a partner the way a parent would ideally love us, and that is unconditionally.

And just before we started our conversation that you all are seeing, when we were getting mic'd up here, I asked Jillian if she was familiar with

another world-known therapist named Harville Hendricks.

wrote a book called Getting the Love You Want.

And that book redefined for me what having a relationship or being in a relationship was.

Because in 1988, on the Oprah Show, he said, Every relationship that you're seeking, you're seeking to heal

the relationship that you had with your parents, the dominant parent or guardian in your life.

And that the people that show up in your life, in your personal relationships, are there

as triggers, as

resources, as reminders for what you got and also for what you didn't get.

Yes.

In childhood,

there are certain nurturing needs that are not satisfied in the best of families and by the best of parents.

So,

I mean, that is what

really saved my relationship, actually.

It changed the way I operated in my relationship with Stedman and in all of my relationships, recognizing that people come from that.

Everybody's just trying trying to heal and find a way to be loved unconditionally.

And your partner always represents some part of what didn't get healed.

Yes.

So your husband represented whom for you.

My husband represented my father.

And here's the interesting thing:

they couldn't, they looked totally different, their personalities were wildly different.

So their energy was different.

But

my husband would shut down.

He,

I felt it it's the familiar, it's how I felt in my body was so familiar, I didn't even recognize it.

That's right.

Which is, oh, he's in that mood.

Maybe it's me.

And then that tension that comes from believing that your partner is pulling away from you and you are the reason.

And so you're constantly questioning in some way, unconsciously, your lovability because this person is pulling away.

And that was something that I felt all the time.

Yeah, and I think that that is also a really good advice for people who are in

relationships that are challenged is to ask yourself, where have I had this feeling before?

Yes.

Because it isn't about what they look like.

It isn't about even, you know, any of that.

Because in the beginning, I thought, oh, Stedman's here representing my father.

You know, my father is an honorable man, you know, loyal, all those things.

And it was later on that I recognized, oh, it isn't even about my father.

It's about healing the wounds with my mother.

So, because every, every time there would be any kind of

conflict, I'm thinking, where have I felt this before?

Yes.

Where have I felt this before?

So we know millions of women are seeking your advice.

And we have Mary Ann joining us on Zoom.

Mary Ann, I hear you're a divorced mom.

Three children

from Massachusetts who says you're terrified to get married again.

So let's talk about it.

I am.

Well, hello to you both.

Thanks so much for having me on.

A little bit about me.

I was married for nine years and then I already had two children by the time I was in my late 20s.

And between working full time and being a mother, by the time I got home and got them to bed, I felt so depleted and like a shell of my old self that the only time I felt like I could rebuild was when I went to bed.

And I didn't want my husband or anybody to touch me.

And as you can imagine, over time, that built up a lot of resentment.

And

then also that led to some betrayal and about a million regrets and things that I would do so differently now that I'm going to be 47.

And that brings me to now.

I've been divorced 12 years and it's.

Every first date I go on, before I even meet you or even on the first date, I say, I never want to get married again.

And if that's what you're looking for, I'm not your girl.

And I have been blessed during those 12 years to have had a couple of very wonderful men for long-term relationships with them.

But the same thing is rung true.

I just never feel like I'm enough.

And I feel like my past holds me back and I just have trouble letting them in.

I basically have like unconsciously destroyed those two great relationships that I've had since I was divorced.

And I'd really love to know what I could do differently so I can have a more successful relationship.

Okay.

You know,

when I reflect on my marriage that ended many years ago,

and I had to reflect on it a lot,

I realized there were a lot of things, even though I could blame him for a lot of things and actually be valid, there were things that I recognized that, wow, if I did it all over again, I would do so many things differently.

And I can think back to other parts of my life where I've made really grave mistakes, where I've perhaps acted out of character or did things that I didn't want to do.

And I, and someone once told me, and I wish I could remember, I wish I could say it was my mom, I don't think it was, but I was told many years ago that there's no such thing as failure, there's just lessons.

And that a lot of lessons.

A lot of lessons.

And the thing is, The story that you keep replaying in your mind about your marriage and the things that you wish you had done differently, or the mistakes that you made, or the mistakes that he made.

At this point, it's really a story because we can't remember everything that happened back then.

We're just giving it a meaning.

So it's not that the story isn't true, but you're giving it a meaning, which is: I failed it.

I don't know.

I'm a failure.

I can't be trusted.

If I get married again, I'm going to have pain again.

Do these all ring true to you?

The pain.

I am terrified of being,

I didn't think I could hurt that badly.

And my last long-term relationship felt like another divorce.

And I'm going to tell you, it took me over two years to get over that relationship.

And I just never want to feel pain like that.

Right.

And I understand that.

I understand that.

And, but the fear of pain is making you push away good men.

Yes.

Right.

And I have have learned that the very hard way the last two years.

Yes.

So can you forgive yourself?

I'm trying to do different

this year to have a, I'm trying to be different this year to have a different outcome.

And I'm trying very hard to let the walls down.

I'm just terrified of not being enough.

And I don't, I don't know how to get over that.

I'm just so terrified of feeling crushed again and

let down.

Well,

but you both let each other down in many ways, right?

In your marriage?

I mean, isn't that, that's typically what happens in a marriage is that we all make mistakes.

I mean, it's not that it's a 50-50 split, but it was,

it was a marriage.

It didn't work out.

And now you have an opportunity to love again.

The greatest gift you can give your children.

is to live your life and to and to and to be happy.

Now, of course, you can't be happy all the time but the greatest gift you can give them is to just live your life there is no version of love that does not come with it the risk of a broken heart but we decide to take that risk because nothing meaningful in life comes without risk and you have to now start to trust yourself that whatever doesn't work out you can handle.

And that when you are in a relationship and you're starting to notice, oh, I'm doing that thing again where I'm pushing them away, I'm sabotaging, you have now an opportunity to say to yourself, oh, I'm doing that thing again.

I'm not going to do that.

And you can even talk about it with your partner.

Like, I have this pattern that I do, and I don't want to do that.

Can we talk about it?

You know, I bet that you know exactly what it is that you do when you are about to sabotage a relationship.

You have a habit.

That's true.

Yeah.

We all do.

I don't know what your, what, what your your method is.

Maybe you start fights.

I don't know what it is, but you have this.

I just pull back.

You just pull back.

Yeah.

You pull back and you shut down.

And you pull back and you shut down.

And then your partner is saying, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

And you're saying, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Yeah, that's exactly what I do.

Well, you know what?

I would say.

Ask and it shall be given, the Bible says.

And I would say that the fact that you're at the realization now

where you have actually said out loud to us and all the people who are listening and watching that you don't want this anymore.

You see this about yourself.

You have chosen this path all these years.

And now you are saying, I want to choose differently.

And just the desire to do that and the openness and awareness of, again, how Jillian says, recognizing how you begin to sabotage yourself and being vulnerable enough, open enough with somebody to say, look, in the past, I've had this problem and this has been an issue for me, and I'm trying to relearn in this new phase of my life.

And you don't start the relationship with, oh, I'm not going to get married if that's what you think.

You know, you just

allow yourself at 46, soon to be 47, to open up to the rising of your life.

This is an opportunity to begin anew.

So all the old ways of being and all the stuff that you now have learned about yourself, the rising is waiting for you to meet the rising.

Come on up to the rising.

Come on.

I am rising up to the rising.

I feel this is the year.

I feel like I'm growing and I'm more aware and I just feel like it's my time.

I can't put, I'm having trouble describing it, but I just feel like

you're describing it very well.

And you have to know that in the process of being human and meeting the rising of your life, we all make mistakes.

It's not about perfection.

It's not about some idea or story you've told yourself in your head of what it's supposed to look like.

It's supposed to look like exactly what it looks like.

And you meet it where it is.

And you are woman enough to do that.

You have learned enough.

I am.

I am.

You are.

You are woman enough to do that.

You have learned enough and you've grown enough and you are aware enough of yourself In this moment, whether you feel enough or not,

you are enough to meet this moment and then enough to meet the next moment and then to meet the next moment.

It is not about some big grand scheme.

It's about being present in every moment, experience, and decision.

And you have already done that.

You've proven that with raising three great boys.

And as you continue to do that, so now you're ready to create this time for yourself.

That's what I hear Jillian saying.

Yes.

Yes.

Thank you.

Go for it.

Go for it, Adrianne.

Go for it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, both.

Thank you.

It begins with you.

Thank you.

Next up is John from Colorado, who we saw on the Zoom, was nodding along with what Marianne was telling us.

John, hey, what's your question?

Hi there, Oprah.

Hey there, Jillian.

Hey.

Hey, Jillian, I've been reading your book and it's it's really been great so far, a nice experience sort of towards improving my journey and finding a great relationship.

And so I'm a professional skier,

professional mountain guide, author, keynote speaker, and entrepreneur here in college.

I just learned, I just learned to cross country this year for Christmas.

Oh, it's great.

Yeah.

It was so great.

It's a good workout.

Yeah.

It is a workout.

Yeah.

It is a fantastic workout.

I've been single for about two years now.

I had a couple of relationships that I had prior to that for about two years each.

And,

you know, since then, though, because I've been single, I've really been taking time for myself, traveling a ton, seeking adventure, really leaning into my career and traveling all over the world a lot, sometimes often to a fault, like really just.

excessively traveling and exploring the world and seeking out adventure, but also spending a lot of time with my family here in the Vale Valley, where all my siblings, their kids, and my parents also live.

So we're all very close here.

And only recently, because of that, I've started dating again because I've healed from my last relationship.

So I know that I'm ready, but it has been challenging, you know?

So

I've done a few meetups and a few dates, but through those dates and those experiences, I've kind of felt nothing.

And I sort of miss that sort of genuine connection or that genuine fire that comes along with meeting somebody new and the excitement that comes along with that.

I just kind of haven't haven't found that or haven't felt that.

And I tend to be very picky though, right?

And

so I sort of feel like, is my pickiness mean that I'm sort of my own worst enemy?

You know, I want to want to meet somebody great, feel that excitement, go deep, get vulnerable, do all the important things and get into a great relationship.

But I just, and I know I'm enough, but I just don't know if

maybe I'm not ready or if I'm not feeling it and I just, I don't feel anything.

So, you know, what do you think?

And And that's sort of my question is, is,

you know,

is being picky and waiting a good thing?

I mean, what are your thoughts on all this?

I have a few thoughts.

So

I would imagine it's true that you really value adventure and novelty in life.

Is that a big thing for you?

Because you just said that you going on a lot of adventures.

I think novelty and, you know, my job is really can be stressful.

I've, I've actually summited Everest four times, Mount Everest, and I guide clients there.

And I also guide all

anyone.

So, yes, so you do, you're not someone who is playing it safe.

You're not the person who lives your life playing it safe.

I mean, you're a ski instructor, you're a professional skier, you climbed Mount Everest four times.

I mean, that's not someone.

Yeah, but that's not, yeah, okay.

So, that's not someone who's who's living a safe life.

And so, you're looking for that fire.

So, oftentimes, when we're someone who values at a high level adventure, novelty, maybe some risk, maybe a little bit of danger, what we're also drawn to in relationships is a lot of that fire.

And sometimes not always, but you can verify this for me.

Sometimes what that can lead to is maybe a lot of relationships or relationships that feel like a roller coaster or a lot of fighting, maybe a lot of physical passion, but then just a lot of fighting and ups and downs.

Is that your experience?

Yeah, Yeah, I mean,

I tend to actually, believe it or not, be very laid back and sort of patient because of what I do for a living.

Oh, I believe it.

But when that gets clashed with somebody who does have the excitement and the energy, which I thrive on,

I think that's caused some problems in the past.

Yeah.

And I kind of figure out how to navigate that moving forward.

But also at times, if I, yeah, like I've always said to my friends, or even my friends or my family say to me because they know me very well, that I probably need to date somebody who's also not normal.

Like somebody that, let's say, has a nine to five job might not fit for me.

But you know, somebody that, that lives a life of similar adventure or a non-traditional job where they can work remotely has been a fit for me.

But you said you're too picky.

You're too picky, right?

So here would be, this is my advice to you.

I...

I would never suggest that anyone pursue a relationship with someone with whom they don't feel any chemistry.

But I think you should have a lot of dates where you are really, you're sitting down with someone and really getting to know someone.

Because one of the things that's really hard to distinguish is the difference between lust and love.

And when we feel a lot of that fire and that feeling, you know, you said you're very laid back.

So you may be going for like the fiery type and you're leading with that feeling.

And I don't want you to not have any chemistry, but I want you to make a deeper connection.

And sometimes that deep connection doesn't come on the first date, it just doesn't come.

And if you're looking for the immediate fireworks, and if you don't feel it, then you write someone off, then yes, I would say to you that your pickiness is not an indication that you're not ready, but it is an indication that this is one way in which you might be standing in your own way.

So

I would actually

give women who you think are pleasant and nice more of a chance.

And instead of being in the position of vetting them, they have to have the same lifestyle as me.

I have to feel that fire, all these things.

I want you instead to try to make a connection with another human being

and really get to know her, even if she ends up being a friend, or even if this is someone who you never see again, to give people more of a chance so that you can practice your skills of actually really getting to know someone.

How does that land for you?

It lands pretty well because it's true.

I mean, a lot of people sort of look at me and say, well, you're doing this, you're doing that.

You've been up on Everest three or four times.

Like, you know, what does your wife think of this?

And it's like, well, first of all, I don't have a wife yet, but at the same time, I know of people in my same profession that do have families, and I know it's possible.

Yeah.

And it's very, you could very easily have a wife that would be so happy to see you when you return home and not interested in making the trek with you.

That's very, very, very doable and very probably likely.

Yes, absolutely.

Who accepts you for who you are and you accept her for who she is, but she doesn't have to be doing it with you.

And I think that's where you maybe need to expand your mind a little bit.

Thanks, John.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for the time.

Thank you for your time.

I thank you for joining the Oprah podcast.

When we come back, Jillian's advice for anybody feeling stuck when it comes to taking that next step towards finding love.

Welcome back and thanks for sharing your valuable time with me.

Relationship expert Jillian Turecki is here and she's answering more questions that may be similar to what's on your mind.

Tamara is joining us from New Jersey.

We heard from a lot of women like you, Tamara.

A single mom who's dedicated yourself to raising your daughter, who's now a junior in college, and now you're left with yourself.

Yes.

Hi, Oprah.

Hi, Jillian.

Hi.

Thank you for this opportunity.

So like you said, I'm a single mom who's 50 50 and my dating journey went a little bit like this.

I said I was going to get back out there when my daughter went to middle school and then that turned to high school.

And then like you said, she's a junior in college and I attempted again.

I will get excited about creating my dating profile.

I'll put myself out there.

I'll go on one of two dates.

And that is kind of the extent of it.

I have to honestly say I really enjoyed the book, Jillian, and the last chapter really resonated with me, especially about really just pouring into myself, taking the time to discover who I am.

And I feel like I'm at this stage of my life where I'm honestly ready to date.

I'm just curious to know from your perspective for someone that hasn't dated in a while,

like, how should I be looking at these lessons?

Should I be looking at it through a different lens?

No, I think you can be looking at it through the same.

I mean, if one, you hope to one day be in a relationship.

So I I always say prepare.

So these are things to help you prepare.

And also, if you want to put yourself out there and date,

there's some very important principles in the book that you need to be aware of so that you have better experiences in a relationship.

But I would imagine that it's a little scary.

It's a little intimidating to put yourself out there and go on dates.

And then maybe you don't have a great date.

And then you think, well, you know, what's the point?

Or, you know, I'm better, I'm happy alone.

But

could you maybe just think of it as instead of going on dates to find your next partner, can you make some friends with some men?

I feel like I can.

I definitely feel like I can.

I think it just becomes a little bit daunting.

I've tried different mediums.

I feel like I'm more of an in-person connection versus online.

So

I would be happy and open to exploring different mediums.

And I can definitely start with being friends.

I think for me, it's easy to create connections with people, but it's getting started that I'm really having a challenge with.

Okay.

Do you have a favorite restaurant that you like to go to in the neighborhood?

Yes.

Okay.

So take yourself to dinner or for lunch.

Okay.

You can sit at the bar and you can bring a book.

and start talking to people.

Now,

it doesn't have to be men.

You You could be sitting next to someone and, because you said, making friends and talking to people comes naturally to you.

You can start talking to people, and you never know.

You could meet a woman whose cousin,

whose cousin's kid, you know, whatever, whose cousin is just recently divorced, or you just never know what's going to happen.

And I often say, like, if you're not going to do the apps, totally fine.

Expand your circle.

Start talking to people.

Put yourself, get yourself off the couch because it's not going to happen on your couch.

And get yourself out there.

And even if you go with just one friend and you sit at the bar and start talking to people and start making connections, and because then you never know.

And that's a very organic way for it to happen, but it's also you being proactive.

And you say, I'm going to put myself out there more without it having to be this, you know, swiping and going on a date and having that sort of that tension and that rigidity around it.

And so that's how I would start.

Amen.

Thank you for that.

Thank you for that.

Go for it.

Go for it.

Okay, I'm ready.

All right.

I'm ready.

Go for it.

Thanks, Tamara.

Next, we have Megan and Mike from Long Island.

Megan and Mike are former clients of Jillian's who worked with her for three years.

Megan, you say Jillian saved your marriage.

How'd she do that?

Y'all are in different rooms or different cities.

Different cities right now.

I'm in New York.

He's in Las Vegas.

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah.

Jillian saved our marriage in so many ways.

We were, when we started working with Jill, it was very much either we go for divorce or we try to fix this.

We were that dire.

It was kind of a hit ahead in that, in that sense.

And so when we started working with Jill, she did so much work on us really becoming a team.

But I think for me personally, one of the biggest things we worked on was taking responsibility for my part in our issues instead of just putting a lot of the blame on Mike and really working on ourselves separately to then come back together and work on our marriage together.

And I think that was something that I never really thought about.

I just thought, we just need to fix this.

He needs to fix these things versus we need to work on ourselves separately too.

And Mike, what was it like for you?

Yeah, I mean, it started with that.

As we were working through it, it started peeling off a lot of layers that I kind of swept under the rug.

It came from a pretty hairy divorce that I never thought impacted me all that much.

I was never hurting for anything, but I was neglected a lot emotionally.

And I brought that into the marriage in a way that I never really understood until we started working with Jill and started peeling back those layers.

And

then I started kind of on the personal growth journey.

And that's when Jill and I started working together more.

Did you have a question today?

Virginia, yeah.

I as now that we have twin boys that are one, 14 months,

what would your advice be on prioritizing our connection, our sex life, our intimacy to make sure we're staying in a, in a connected in a good way?

Have you hired a babysitter and just gone to a hotel for a night?

No, not that.

Obviously not.

I think for us,

it's been harder to,

we've been with them every day.

So separating from them now, this is the first time I've been away.

I left two days ago and we haven't been away from them for more than six, eight hours.

It doesn't have to be overnight.

It can be five hours.

It can be five hours where you go dinner dancing, but don't stay the night.

And you get away and you have a night or an evening where it's just the two of you and

you don't just feel like mom and dad.

This will work wonders.

Yeah, for sure.

We've never thought of that.

I think that's a great idea, actually.

When we do go out and we do hire a babysitter, we'll go get dinner and we'll rush home, you know.

And we're starting now that they're getting a little older, we're starting to trust people more and things like that.

So I think that's a great idea that we didn't think of.

Yeah, I think so, too.

I saw your face light up.

You're like, whoa, really?

Okay.

All right.

Well, glad we fixed that.

Thanks.

Thank you guys.

Appreciate you zooming in with us.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Time now for a quick break when we come back to Julian's insight on the role heartbreak plays in healing our relationship with ourselves.

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Welcome back to the Oprah podcast.

We're going to wrap things up with with a new perspective on heartbreak.

If you like what you heard today, I hope you'll share this podcast with someone you care about or who may be ready to hear it.

The subtitle of your book is Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life.

What would you say is the number one hard truth?

You know, what comes to my mind is probably the first one because it's the title of the book, which it begins with you.

Begins with you.

Because people immediately think, well, then it's my fault.

And

people usually straddle that line between blaming others or hyper blaming themselves.

And so taking responsibility can either turn a perfectionist, you know, can take them down a wormhole or the person who's blaming someone else, they don't want to take responsibility.

It begins with you.

It just means that

you are the change that you wish to see in your love life.

Yeah.

That's number one.

And that it's always there reflecting reflecting back to you what you actually

need to heal and fix for yourself.

Yes.

I love you say page nine, every single heartbreak and disappointment we've ever endured was trying to teach us more about our fears, patterns, and beliefs that have been sabotaging our chances of having a fulfilling relationship.

So heartbreak is there to show you another way.

It is the greatest lesson.

It is the greatest lesson.

And I think one of the most profound lessons I learned from heartbreak is: just because someone's part in your story has ended, it does not mean your story has ended.

You have a whole other story to continue in your life.

And one of the hardest lessons that we will ever face as human beings is learning to accept when someone's part in our story is over.

We don't like to let go, we like to hold on,

and

nothing lasts.

So, even if you are,

even if you stay in a relationship for decades, you're going to have to mourn, grieve

people that they used to be because we're always evolving and changing.

That's right.

That's right.

So even if it's the same relationship, you're going to have to let go over and over again.

And if you're in a relationship and there's no longer connection, you actually are not in a relationship because connection is the single best thing that makes us feel whole.

Absolutely.

And I always say that relationships rarely end because of a lack of love.

They more commonly end because people don't feel connected to each other.

And they'll say, I love this person.

It's not about love, but I don't feel the connection, i.e., I don't feel seen.

I don't feel understood.

I don't feel heard.

And yeah, connection.

And when you're in a relationship, our priority has to be, how can I,

in the small little ways every day, how can I create a bridge to this person?

And it begins with you.

And it begins with you.

Creating that bridge.

Jillian's book, It Begins With You, is available wherever books are sold.

And her podcast is called Jillian on Love.

I thank you again for being my guests here.

Thank you.

And thank you, Mary Ann, and John and Tamara, Megan, and Mike.

Go well, everyone.

You can subscribe to the Oprah podcast on YouTube and follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.

I'll see you next week.

Thanks, everybody.