Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Speaker 1 Love doesn't exist.

Speaker 2 Literally.

Speaker 1 Love is a verb. So if I want to know how much love you have, then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me.

Speaker 2 A Mexican actress, writer, and producer.

Speaker 1 Best known for her role on Netflix's Altered Carbon.

Speaker 2 This is a woman who has captured my heart, who has fully loved and accepted me for who I am as a human being. Please welcome Martha Howes.

Speaker 1 When you're struggling with something about the person you're with, over and over and over again, it's because underneath that you wish they would change that.

Speaker 2 That's the person you're with. And

Speaker 2 either accept her or don't be with her. Exactly.
Why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationship for married couples?

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Speaker 2 How does it feel to have your last name as House? Amazing. Feels good? Yes.
Does it feel like powerful and let's go? Yeah, we're united. We're united.
Yes.

Speaker 1 We're a family. We are a family.

Speaker 2 Yes. And this whole episode is going to be breaking down how we prepared for marriage,

Speaker 2 the process we went through, all the different steps. It was a lot.
It was a lot of different steps. A lot of different steps, but it was

Speaker 2 for me, it was like, I wish everyone went through a similar process

Speaker 2 before getting married. Really before getting engaged and then getting married.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And the last time we had an episode of you on was when I proposed to you at Summit of Greatness. Yes.
It was. That was the last episode.
It was about a year and a half ago.

Speaker 2 And it was on stage at Summit of Greatness. We had an amazing interview.
Yeah. And I had a ring in my pocket.
I didn't know.

Speaker 1 This is the crazy thing: is that it was, it was, uh, you told me, like, oh, you're going to be on stage with me. I'm going to ask you some questions.
And I thought,

Speaker 1 what about?

Speaker 2 I was like, do you want to put it in? Was it like two, three days before? It was like a week before, right? It was like a week before.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like, suddenly, I like, I think I heard about it from Sarah first.
Yeah. I was like, wow, am I going to be? Yeah, you're going to be one of the, you know, speakers.
Speakers.

Speaker 1 I was like, okay, great.

Speaker 2 I was was like, don't worry about it I'll just ask you we'll do an interview I'll ask you some questions and it'll be fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then I'm you know how I am I'm very studious. So I like to prepare

Speaker 1 so I was like love what like what you want us to talk about what is this gonna be about you know, yes, and you were like ah, you know, I don't know just ask you questions and then you'll respond to the questions relationship stuff, but you came prepared with like notes note cards.

Speaker 2 You had like incredible answers. I don't even know what I was going to ask you, but you had the answers prepared.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And at the end, I stood up and I was like, everyone everyone give martha a round of applause we stood up and i was like okay you can go off and then i pulled you back and i was like oh wait i have one more question

Speaker 2 one question i've never been able to ask anyone yes and i got on knee and asked her

Speaker 2 it's like the loudest scream ever i did have one uh one final question that i want to ask and i actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years in my podcast.

Speaker 2 I wanted to ask you, I was curious.

Speaker 2 But that was like the beginning of once you're getting, once we got engaged,

Speaker 2 we didn't get married for another year and three, four months.

Speaker 2 Today of this filming, not when it goes out, but the today that we're filming, we've been married three months as of today. Yes,

Speaker 2 and oh, well, by the way, at the end of this episode, we have two big surprises we're gonna share with people. We do, we have two big surprises.
So, this is the way you're gonna be able to do it.

Speaker 2 So, we're gonna have two big surprises at the end. The surprises are also for me because you don't tell me.
No, you know what we're talking about.

Speaker 2 We have two big surprises at the end of this episode, so get ready for that.

Speaker 1 I just saw one. I don't know the second one.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, we'll see.

Speaker 2 See, maybe I'll share both. Okay.

Speaker 2 But this is, we got married at the church, not even a mile from from here. Yes.
Three months ago today. Then we got married in Mexico a week later, had friends, family come.
It was amazing.

Speaker 2 But it was amazing.

Speaker 2 But it was a year and like, whatever, three months of us being engaged, also living together, and going through a process of, okay, what do we really want?

Speaker 2 What does our true alignment look like? What are our values? We've talked about all these things, but now it's like stepping into marriage, what does this look like? Yes.

Speaker 2 And it was a process there were things i wanted to do there were things you wanted to do some of it felt like a lot of work it felt like oh man this is like going back to school we read tons of books together we went through workbooks we went through workshops and i think they were all nested we went to therapy together like we did all these things yeah

Speaker 2 not because something was wrong or that we feel like we needed to fix something, but more to build a strong foundation.

Speaker 2 And everything we were talking about for the whole year was like, how do we strengthen and deepen our foundation?

Speaker 2 Because we know from experience of talking to a lot of successful married couples, we know that life throws adversity and challenges at everyone. Yes.

Speaker 2 Individuals, couples, married people, whatever.

Speaker 2 And the goal.

Speaker 2 for us was how do we set ourselves up for success being married, knowing that there's going to be challenge, adversity, stress that comes our way, individually, as couples, whatever it might be. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Knowing that we're not going to have some perfect marriage, knowing that it's going to be seasons of high and seasons of challenge to overcome, all these different things.

Speaker 2 So, how do we stay together in strong unity, even when

Speaker 2 something is really great or there's a challenge facing our way? And that's really what it was.

Speaker 2 It was like, how do we set this up so that we have a language we can speak and understand, values, agreements?

Speaker 2 and agreements was like one of the biggest things but we went through a

Speaker 2 we went through a number of books that we'll talk about in another episode but one of the things we went through which was marriage preparation program for engaged couples yes that really set us up for success it was an amazing experience because it's it's something that we did through uh the catholic church

Speaker 1 and other people that we know who have taken this workshop they say you know you don't need to be a catholic to take it this is something that you really,

Speaker 1 it'd be very good if you can take it

Speaker 1 because of all the subjects that we were discussing. And there's other couples there, so you get to hear, you know, also what, what are the insights as well.

Speaker 1 And it's giving, the whole workshop is given by a, you know, a couple who has been married for at least 40 years.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think they were together for like 30-something years.

Speaker 1 30-something, 38, like something like that.

Speaker 2 First of 40 years. And they struggled for like the first 15 years.
Yes. Because they didn't go through this.
Yes, exactly.

Speaker 2 And then they started to go through this program and they have a lot more joy in their life.

Speaker 2 A lot more love, a lot more joy. The wife, she was really funny.
She was like, you know, I thought I was going to get divorced after like 15 years. It was just constant.
It was like a constant battle.

Speaker 2 There was like, we were just always in friction, you know, and then we'd have like a good weekend and then two, three weeks of stress and fighting and arguments.

Speaker 2 And she said, after 15 years, it was just like, I think I'm done. I can't deal with this anymore.
It's too much stress. He doesn't understand me.

Speaker 2 me i don't understand him we are butting heads what's the point of being in this stressful complicated marriage where we don't see eye to eye we don't speak the same language we don't have the same values we don't have the agreements and she said that she her a friend of hers was like why don't you come to church come with me and something spoke to her when she went to church so so what was happening with her is that she she is she explained this to us but this can happen to a lot of you know a lot of a lot of us women that in order to keep safety in the relationship you can start having a controlling personality

Speaker 2 which is what she was she's trying to control everything about him everything where are you going don't go hang out with your friends you need to be here what are you doing with the kids stop doing this start doing this she was like she started to become the mom oh yeah of the husband as opposed to the wife, the partner, the lover.

Speaker 1 And so, no. And so, so he was feeling like he couldn't do anything.
Otherwise, she'd be upset.

Speaker 1 and she wanted to take the lead in the relationship and say what are we gonna do what job position you're gonna take where are we gonna live what's gonna all of the decisions she wanted to take but also at the same time she wanted to feel feminine but she felt she was having to carry the relationship on her own So then a friend of hers invited her to go to church and she went to church and she started going like,

Speaker 1 I need to let go of control. Yes.
I need to let go of control and give it to God. And just not, it's not up to me.
Otherwise, I'm going to drown.

Speaker 2 Why do you think so many women try to take control in their relationship, whether they're dating, engaged, or married?

Speaker 2 Why are so many women in that position of being in control rather than allowing their partner, their man, to lead the vision?

Speaker 1 I think.

Speaker 1 I think personally, I think

Speaker 1 it goes from way back when that woman was a little girl. Whatever it is that as we are growing up,

Speaker 1 whatever place that makes us feel unsafe in this place,

Speaker 1 it's a protective mechanism. That's what I really think it is.

Speaker 2 That when

Speaker 1 you feel insecure about certain things,

Speaker 1 you want to know what your man is doing.

Speaker 1 every single time at every single moment like literally like what is he doing 24 7 it's not because you're trying to think you're being controlling it's because you are trying to build safety for you

Speaker 1 because something must have happened to you way back when you were little something must have happened maybe perhaps with your mom or with your dad that you never felt that you can rely on that person so if your dad left or if your dad was intermittent, sometimes he'd be there, sometimes he wouldn't be there for you or your mom, you start feeling like, okay, this is the way love is.

Speaker 1 So when you grow up, you think, okay, if I can have control and I can know what this person is doing 24-7,

Speaker 1 then I'll be safe. Then I know for sure he loves me.
It comes from that. It also happens to men too.
It's not necessarily just for a woman, but yeah.

Speaker 2 But why get into a relationship if you have to always be obsessive about what the partner is doing all day long or making sure that you're in control of what they're doing so you can feel safe?

Speaker 2 Why even get in a relationship?

Speaker 1 Because everybody wants to be loved and so they have a different version of what love means for them.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I think so,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 it's good to be with a person that you're sharing your life with.

Speaker 1 It's just that not all the time we are taught what is the healthy love versus the codependency or the controlling, you know, all of that is part of the codependency.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And I think from the beginning, we we both made it clear to each other, of like meeting each other, that I was like,

Speaker 2 this is my life, and this is the vision I have, and this is what I want to create in my life in a relationship. And you were sharing the same thing.

Speaker 2 And we were like, this is what we've both been through in the past that we don't want to live like anymore.

Speaker 2 We both wanted to feel accepted for who we are, accepted for our dreams, our goals, accepted for our lifestyle. Our personality.
Yeah, our personality.

Speaker 2 We're not trying to change the other person or say, I don't like that. Quit doing that.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And really creating a sense of acceptance rather than control. I think control is a lack of acceptance.
It's like, okay, I don't like what you're doing here.

Speaker 2 So do this so I can feel safe as opposed to, I accept what you're creating.

Speaker 2 If there's something that feels off, can we have a conscious conversation where we're creating safety together, but not a sense of stop doing that, don't do this, don't do this.

Speaker 1 And then it becomes like unsexy in reality. If you start controlling your man,

Speaker 1 or the man, even the woman, but if you, if you start controlling the man all the time, telling him what to do, what not to do, I didn't like this. I like this.

Speaker 1 You start becoming the parent.

Speaker 2 You're like, you know, in the morning, you try to remind me, hey, take your supplements, right? There's certain reminders you'll do. That's nerfing.

Speaker 2 And there's certain things where I'm like, hey, don't lift this heavy thing right now or whatever. Or don't do this thing.

Speaker 2 Why don't you take a rest and take a nap?

Speaker 2 It's like a reminder.

Speaker 2 So there's a balance, I think, of like,

Speaker 2 you say i daddy you sometimes it's like i'm like

Speaker 1 hey stop doing that yes or when i go shopping you go oh you don't need that that's true yeah sometimes but it's like you know my dad does it my brother does it to his wife like it's like i was talking to my mom about it and she was like listen that

Speaker 1 as a male personality they they have the feeling and the or protector it's protector and it's leadership yeah yeah this is this is how my mom you know raised you know the female in our in our family but she said, a man's nature is going to wanna lead and protect, and they're going to want to do this.

Speaker 1 So sometimes they're going to tell you, sometimes, hey, don't do this. I don't think you should buy this.
I don't think you should get this. Exactly.
And so the mom says, listen, you have two choices.

Speaker 2 You go, oh, okay, I won't buy it.

Speaker 1 But if you really want the thing, just go ahead and do it.

Speaker 1 It's okay, except, because this is the part.

Speaker 1 She was telling me, your dad will never change that. We've been together for 43 years of marriage.
And literally, she said, your dad will continue to tell me when I go shopping, you don't need this.

Speaker 1 You already have something similar at home. So she says, you know what I do? I know he is that way.
I accept the way he is. And I just buy the thing if I need it.

Speaker 1 Instead of trying to tell him, hey, don't tell me this every single time you tell me, he's going to continue to tell you that.

Speaker 1 all of his life because this is this is his way to maybe he's trying to protect the budget you know that's another thing or or maybe just whatever it is and it was an interesting conversation because i was like if i if i if i turn this around and i say to lewis every time he wants to buy anything don't buy this don't do this he's gonna feel i'm i'm being controlled don't tell me what to do right exactly right don't tell me what to do yeah yeah so in my case

Speaker 2 in a loving way yeah if you're like hey do you think we need this right now or hey i think i already know that you have something like this are you sure you want to buy it i'm just reminding you yeah then i'd be like oh yeah okay but if you're like don't do this i'd be like don't tell me what to do yeah you already have this this thing.

Speaker 2 You're a grown man.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 2 But anyway, you don't speak that to me. You don't speak to me.
I don't. I don't.
No.

Speaker 2 And again, the intention for this conversation and episode is to share with people all the things that we did leading up into marriage. Again, we are three months married.
We're not here to say.

Speaker 2 how to have a great marriage. We, you know.

Speaker 2 We're new at this, but we're new.

Speaker 2 So there's no way that we can speak from that experience, but we can speak from the experience from being dating to getting engaged to getting married and what has worked for us.

Speaker 2 And I think that's what I want to really communicate with anyone watching or listening. And we probably do,

Speaker 2 because we both had previous experiences and relationships that were painful or challenging or didn't feel right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Both Martha and I, before we met each other, were doing individual therapy.

Speaker 2 So we were both already in a growth journey, a healing journey, a growth mindset. And we were both both open to explore, reflecting on ourselves and saying, oh, where did I make a mistake?

Speaker 2 Where did I not create a boundary? How could I have shown up better for me? How could I have been better in my previous relationships? Whatever it might have been,

Speaker 2 to see how we didn't, because we didn't want to repeat the same pattern again. So we both were doing that healing journey

Speaker 2 before we met each other. And then when we got started dating, I put it out there to you and I said, I don't want to get committed unless you're willing to do couples therapy at the beginning.

Speaker 2 And you said, I'd love to.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It was a little bit more loose than that.

Speaker 1 You were very, um, have you ever thought about doing therapy at the beginning of a relationship as opposed to like when there's a lot of troubles and struggles towards the end?

Speaker 1 I was like, Yes, I've always thought that's a great idea.

Speaker 1 You then said, You know, I would love to do that because I feel like I couldn't get committed to you if we don't have a lot of things.

Speaker 2 Unless we were, unless you were open to doing that.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I'm totally open to doing that because I've always kind of wanted it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So for me, that was a big, I think just doing that before getting engaged, knowing that I had a partner willing to grow with me.

Speaker 2 It doesn't mean you have to do therapy with your partner because someone may not be ready for that. Yeah.
But they've got to be ready to do some type of reflection or some type of work.

Speaker 2 Otherwise, you're going to be with a partner with a fixed mindset. instead of a growth mindset.

Speaker 2 So it doesn't mean they have to do every workshop that you want to do. It doesn't mean they have to go to therapy right away.
It doesn't mean that.

Speaker 2 But I think they've got to be willing to look at themselves, be willing to have uncomfortable conversations with you then and see how we can grow together.

Speaker 1 And even how do you react to the uncomfortable conversations, you know, like that's another thing because you can meet somebody and that people can say just the right things that you feel like, oh my God, this person's amazing.

Speaker 1 They're telling me exactly what I wish to hear.

Speaker 1 They've read the books, so they've memorized the books and then they're telling me all the lingo that I love hearing.

Speaker 2 But their behavior, if it doesn't match it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. So for me, it's the actions

Speaker 1 are speaking louder than any words you'll tell me. Maybe you've never gone to therapy.
Maybe you've never read any books.

Speaker 1 But if you are integrous, kind, loving, you show up, like in the way you show up,

Speaker 1 to me, it's like

Speaker 1 that's even more important, you know? Because a lot of people can go to therapy, but we have the podcast, we have the books, we have all these things.

Speaker 1 But then when you exercise them, when you are being what you're saying um i was reading this thing the other day from my therapist that um she was talking about love like specifically about love and love is a thing that

Speaker 1 you can't just say you know

Speaker 1 love is not a word like if like literally she was saying this love doesn't exist.

Speaker 2 Literally.

Speaker 1 Love is a verb. It's something you practice.
So if I want to know how much love you have,

Speaker 1 then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me. Well, in this case, because we're a partnership, right? And towards people, by the way, how much love you are.

Speaker 1 And so you are loving, you are kind, you're respectful, you're thoughtful, you engage in the conversation,

Speaker 1 you want to, that's how you love. You're touchy, you're all these different things.

Speaker 1 so so love is is in that respect it doesn't exist then it's a thing that is just floating out here you know the concept of love it's a thing that you see in the movies in tv shows it's floating but when you say you know what what is really love love is a verb that translates into actions

Speaker 2 yeah yeah exactly

Speaker 1 it's a good thing i took a lot of action you did you do and you continue to do

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Speaker 2 So there are a lot of things that we did that, again, not everyone has do before getting engaged or married, but there are a lot of things that we did. We did therapy together.

Speaker 2 We did workshops together.

Speaker 2 We did work books together. We read books together.
We meditated together. We prayed together.
We went to church together. And we had relationship mentorship conversations.

Speaker 2 So we did lots of different things around relationships. I'm not saying everyone has to do all those things or all at once.
It might seem like a lot of work.

Speaker 1 But also, by the way, it was a lot of fun.

Speaker 2 It was. There were some fun.
There were moments that were rough. There were fun most of the time.
Yes, most of the time. Sometimes I'm like a deep

Speaker 2 growth mindset person and I'm in this work constantly.

Speaker 2 But there were times where I was like, I just need a break from this. I need to like, let's just do that.

Speaker 1 My brain feels tired.

Speaker 2 I'm just like, I don't want to talk about this. Let's just go have fun, right? Yes.
But I'm glad I did a lot of this work, probably 90% of the time, because

Speaker 2 it gives me so much peace knowing that I can fully be myself in a relationship

Speaker 2 and that I can speak my mind, and you're not going to react or scream at me or respond in some negative way.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I think you trust and respect me more because you've known I've done the work and the foundation of a relationship.

Speaker 2 And so I feel like you accept me and love me more because of the investment I made in shared growth, in shared conversations, and in doing that work early on.

Speaker 2 And my whole vision and goal is to create that we created the foundation for ourselves so that we can just keep enjoying to have fun and live a beautiful, expansive life day after day, year after year.

Speaker 2 And again, when there's challenge or adversity that comes, you have the tools. We have tools and we have also a foundation of strength of, hey, we know how to talk about this.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And we don't need to blame each other or make the other person wrong. It's not about the other person not being being there.

Speaker 2 It's about how do we handle the challenge or the adversity that's coming our way? Yes. How do we make it about the challenge, not about us?

Speaker 2 And I think it's supported us because of how much work we did on these different things and continue to do on a weekly basis.

Speaker 1 Do you want to share some of these? Because I think they were.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want to walk through kind of like the whole process of this. Again, the whole thing was called

Speaker 2 Marriage Preparation Program for Engaged Couples. Now, it doesn't mean you have to be engaged to do this.
I almost think like if you thought about doing this before engagement, it would be better.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Because a lot of people get engaged and they don't have all these conversations.

Speaker 2 Then we're engaged for what, six to 12 months or two years and you still don't have the conversations and you get married and you're like, oh, I didn't know this about you because we lacked the courage or the.

Speaker 2 the presence or whatever to speak up and use our voice and say, this is what I really want for the vision of my life.

Speaker 2 And so again, I almost think this is what we did something else before getting engaged. We read a book called Eight Dates as well, which was really powerful.

Speaker 2 We wrote a book, we read a book called How to Be an Adult in Relationships.

Speaker 1 That's an amazing book.

Speaker 2 And we'll kind of, I think in the future, we'll break down a few of these different books that were really powerful for us.

Speaker 2 But this what, and I think maybe that was, if you go through eight dates, it's kind of like a preview to what you're going to get. It's a preview.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like it's getting in, getting the water up to here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, starting. This other one was really deep.
Deep. You're going deep.
So I'm just going to walk through some of the things that we talked about and then we can break down each one of these.

Speaker 2 But the first part of it, which I thought was really cool,

Speaker 2 was

Speaker 2 a candle ceremony, which for a guy might seem a little weird. Being like, okay, we're going to do this candle ceremony.
But I think women may be more open to that or more used to doing this.

Speaker 2 But it's really about... Like, we had to have a candle.
We lit the candle and we set an intention for what we wanted to create from this experience.

Speaker 2 It was like, what is our intention? What do we want to build for this weekend workshop when we go through this? How do we want to show up?

Speaker 2 It was just allowing our hearts and our minds to get in alignment with a vision of

Speaker 2 connection, communication.

Speaker 2 honesty and vulnerability. It's like, how do I make sure I really speak what I feel or all my fears or concerns so that I share things

Speaker 2 and my partner is able to share things and we can come together strongly.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it was also beautiful because we said, you know, while doing the scandal ceremony, we prayed about it, meaning also we were saying, you know, it's not just the two of us in this relationship.

Speaker 1 We're inviting and bringing God into the relationship because although these conversations are going to be, some of them are going to be a lot of fun, some of them can be hard.

Speaker 1 So we got to remember that, you know, it's not just the two of us. We have a higher power that's helping us through these conversations.

Speaker 2 It's interesting because

Speaker 2 I think this was,

Speaker 2 I'd interviewed Liz Gilbert, I think before we went through this. Okay.

Speaker 2 And Elizabeth Gilbert from ePrey Love. And she had gone through,

Speaker 2 you know, different relationships in her past.

Speaker 2 She'd been married, divorced, and then she was, you know, in another relationship a couple of years ago that was extremely intense, like so intense and very like

Speaker 2 so much chemistry and explosive, but also toxic as well that she talked about in this episode yeah

Speaker 2 and she and and the reason why it was so intense in a lot of different ways is her partner i think had cancer and ended up dying when they were in relationships

Speaker 2 and it like broke her spirit afterwards right and she realized that she was in kind of like this addictive loop this love addiction this kind of like love addiction of like chemicals and feelings and like we're so connected and you get me and i get you

Speaker 2 and when I had her on she was like man I was really in a toxic place for most of my life living from this space of just chemistry and making it happen yeah and she said one of the things when she went to like sex therapy rehab she said something I realized is that I never had God in my relationships

Speaker 2 how many relationships Do you feel like you've been in in the past, like intimate relationships, whether it be like dating or sexual or oh, like 40. 40.
Okay. You know, like

Speaker 2 45, maybe? How many of the relationships you've been in had God at the core or the center?

Speaker 4 None.

Speaker 2 In the future, do you feel like God will be in the relationship in some way? If God's not in the relationship, it's not a relationship.

Speaker 4 Wow. You know, and I heard a prayer recently in one of the 12 step rooms.

Speaker 4 And this is about every relationship, you know, not just sexual and intimate, but somebody said, Dear God, please only bring me relationships where you can be first and I can be me.

Speaker 2 Oh man, that's good. God is going to have your back no matter what.

Speaker 1 And their back.

Speaker 2 Why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationships for married couples?

Speaker 1 When I went to, you know, I did this pilgrimage to Majugori and I was having a really beautiful conversation with a priest.

Speaker 1 You know, it's such a wonderful experience because you get to go through all of this and just basically like, you know, the experience of confession.

Speaker 1 It's like you bring everything that is waiting on you, everything that is happening, everything. It was a beautiful, beautiful conversation.

Speaker 1 After that, we were just going for a walk and I'm talking to the priest and saying, you know, my fiancé and I are getting ready to get married. Do you have any advice for us?

Speaker 1 And he said, that's the number one advice he gives people. Bring God into the relationship.
He said, a relationship doesn't break up.

Speaker 1 A marriage doesn't break up due to the lacks, the lack of sex or due to the lacks, the lack of

Speaker 1 communication.

Speaker 1 It's like they break up due to the lack of God.

Speaker 1 And the reason why, he said, is because

Speaker 1 When you love God,

Speaker 1 you love your partner. And when you love your partner, you love God.

Speaker 1 It's It's like it's your way, like your partner is in this life being there for you to enjoy, to grow with, to explore life with, to have intimacy with, to have conversations, to have growth, to have family, like all these different things.

Speaker 1 It's like expansive, a beautiful, expansive, loving experience that God has put there in front of you for you to enjoy. So you can't say, I love God,

Speaker 1 but oh, I hate hate my husband. Well, then you're not loving God.

Speaker 2 You see?

Speaker 1 Like, you can't say these type of things. You can't, like, if you look at your husband in the eyes, even if he's at that moment, you're like, oh, my God, he's annoying me.
What is this thing?

Speaker 1 He's just living his life.

Speaker 1 He's being whatever he's being at that moment because you never know. Maybe he has nothing to do about you.
Maybe he's frustrated with something with work.

Speaker 1 Maybe he's, you know, being a little bit impatient. Maybe he's whatever.

Speaker 1 He's living a life experience of the moment and you're sharing this life with this person and god is there with you to give you the moment to say i love him he's just having a hard time right now

Speaker 1 you know or he's he's or he's just being the way he is usually in these situations and that's okay i love him i accept him just as much as love goves loves me and accepts me it's imitating

Speaker 1 the love of God into the relationship. Like, this is the way I took it in.
And this is the way I feel with you.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 1 I like, I see you. I'm like, what a gift.

Speaker 1 What a gift to have in my life. This man.
And you are fantastic 98% of the time. There's the 2% of the time that I go, but I giggle inside.

Speaker 2 So when I'm in breakdown or I'm doing something that's frustrating you or I'm impatient or whatever it is. Yeah.
or I'm like stressed out or I'm not being

Speaker 2 present or something like that. What do you think about or how do you handle it internally? As opposed to being like, you're not being present.
Look at me, pay attention.

Speaker 2 Or why are you so impatient right now? Like, why can't you just be patient? You don't react in these, you know, quick reaction ways to like strike me down if I'm not perfect 100% of the time.

Speaker 2 No, I don't. And so what do you think about when I'm in a breakdown moment? Or?

Speaker 1 Like, if you're in a breakdown, it happens so rarely, but when, but.

Speaker 2 Or if you just feel like, ah, he's just not paying attention or he's being impatient or he's distracted or whatever, you know?

Speaker 1 I just think in my mind, I just don't make it about me.

Speaker 1 Why would it be about me? Well, unless it really is about me, you probably will tell me.

Speaker 1 But in my mind, I think there must be something going on with him right now that is making him frustrated at this moment.

Speaker 1 Or if you're frustrated because we're having a frustrating situation between the two of us, I know, for example, and it has happened very rarely, but if you if you want to leave the room at the moment, I know you're not leaving the room because you're trying to avoid the conversation that we're having.

Speaker 1 I know you, because I know you, that you are measuring yourself. And if you are starting to feel like you're going to get upset,

Speaker 1 you'd rather leave rather than me poking the bear and then suddenly,

Speaker 2 you know, poke the bear.

Speaker 1 Exactly. But this is why it's important to do these exercises because you get to know your man.
You get to know the woman you're with.

Speaker 2 You know.

Speaker 1 And that's part of acceptance. Like if I, if I, like I said, it's very rarely, but when I've seen you doing like that, I just go, it's okay.
He needs his time off and that's fine.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, sometimes, you know how they say people,

Speaker 1 they tell you, don't go to bed upset, right?

Speaker 1 You can try, but if you're still a little bit upset, it's okay. Like the world's not gonna end tomorrow morning.
Like, okay, whenever you have time, we'll discuss what happened with a sense of humor.

Speaker 2 I've heard that for sure. I mean, so many people have said that.
Yeah. I don't know, because that's then you have to force yourself to stay awake when you're exhausted to try to find resolution.

Speaker 2 And you might be up till 6 a.m. Yeah, no, and then you're, and then the next day.
You can't think at that moment.

Speaker 1 You can't think.

Speaker 2 No, you're not. You can't think straight.
So it's like, I hear that and I get that. And I think it's a good thing to try if you can resolve something before 6 a.m.

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Speaker 1 or you can do this other strategy which is like not even black or white let's boss it let's hit boss that doesn't mean i'm not gonna say i love you good night i'm here with you this is our life let's talk about it it's okay we'll talk about it tomorrow i think that's good or even some other day you know like i think that's good but for me it's just the first thing i do i don't take it personally i i i think you're going through also other things in life because I know.

Speaker 1 And then you've got to have a little bit of a sense of humor. Yeah, exactly.
Like literally.

Speaker 1 Like there's little things that you do sometimes that inside of me, I'm giggling, not in a bad way, but I'm giggling because I go, I know Heaven.

Speaker 2 Right. You know, things like that.

Speaker 2 Okay, so that the candle ceremony was

Speaker 2 the first part, which is kind of setting the intention.

Speaker 2 We're going to create a space of openness, of love, of communication. And the second part was the sacrament of matrimony.
I don't even remember this part, but do you remember what this is?

Speaker 1 It's just basically they explained to us what it really is, that it is what marriage is. Marriages.

Speaker 2 What is it? What is the sacrament? What does that mean?

Speaker 1 It means like what we were just talking about, that it's a beautiful gift that God is giving you and you are choosing to have.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 It's not just like, oh, you are choosing to go into this journey together in which you know there's going to be up and downs.

Speaker 1 There's going to be situations there's going to have you know there's going to be paths in which maybe you're you're going to exercise forgiveness maybe you know god forbids but like something happens to one of your children like there's so many things that are going to come and you you just got to remember you're coming together at this you're not alone in this yes you have your wife you're not alone in this you have your husband and you both have God.

Speaker 1 So that was that one.

Speaker 2 The next thing we did, which I think is probably something a lot of people struggle with with because they don't have these conversations. Yes.
Is your family of origin. And here's an example.

Speaker 2 When people get married, well, this is an example, I guess, for both of us. This happened for both of us.
When people get married, the, you know, your parent-in-law or sibling-in-law.

Speaker 2 uh on both sides will say welcome to the family yes this happened to the both of us welcome to the family and it's all good intentions right it's nothing a bad thing

Speaker 2 but essentially we didn't, I didn't join your family.

Speaker 2 You didn't join my family.

Speaker 2 We created a new family and we both have extended family. Yes.
And most people don't think that way.

Speaker 2 And again, it's not a bad way to think about it because I think it's, oh, we're all one big happy family. But then things get really messy at different times.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you have certain traditions from your origin of family. I have different traditions or lack of traditions, whatever it might be.

Speaker 2 And parent-in-laws and different extended family want you to come at certain times and it's like well this is what i've always done we always did this tradition or my parents always did this so we have to go here or we have to do this but when we create a new marriage you create a new family yes and we are no longer in our other family it doesn't mean they aren't our extended family and we didn't grow up in that family but we have created a new family And therefore, we had to, it was really cool because we had like a graph that we put ourselves like individually our parents how many siblings they had how many like cousins and aunts and uncles they had and how many siblings we have right it was like what is your origin family and draw it out with like little stick figures and heads

Speaker 2 and the couple that that was doing the workshop with us the husband he had like a very small family and or he had

Speaker 1 he had a massive family he filled out his entire page kind of like me so all all people, his parents, he said,

Speaker 2 and the woman was just like four people, you know, it's like, oh, and then these people died, and it was just us and my sister, and that was it.

Speaker 1 So, then she explained to us that she struggled for a chunk of the relationship at the time.

Speaker 1 She wanted more privacy, and she wanted like he wanted to ask the opinion of every single one of the members of his family before they can make a decision.

Speaker 1 Exactly, because this also happens frequently. And I want to say, I'm going to speak as a Latina because this is what I know of, but I assume it also happens in other different cultures.

Speaker 1 But when you are so close to your family of origin,

Speaker 1 you are like glue. You do everything together.
Every family vacation, every Christmas, everybody. Every birthday party, every Christmas.
And you are used to being the daughter. or the son.

Speaker 1 So what happens is this, there comes the next family vacation and usually the parents decide, where are we going to go? We're going to go here. And then you go, you follow.

Speaker 1 At least if you were raised the way I was raised, you follow whatever.

Speaker 2 Follow your parents.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 1 So then when you enter a committed relationship, it happens more frequently than not that the person who's used to having that type of glue with the family makes a plan with their partner, but then the family comes in and says, No, wait a second, we bought tickets.

Speaker 1 We're coming to visit you.

Speaker 1 And you've, you know, this happened to me. I told you about it.
And you're like, how do I tell my mom or my dad they can't come visit me? Because I made these plans already with my partner.

Speaker 2 It didn't happen. Didn't happen with me.
With you. No.

Speaker 1 In the past it's something i learned and um

Speaker 1 and you if you bring if you continue to think that your family of origin is your family yeah then who's your husband right then who's your wife is he just a roommate like a partner like what is that person so it's like shifting literally all of that and saying no you are my family from now on.

Speaker 1 Like we are making our decisions together as a family and we don't have to ask and consult the other extended family for these decisions. If it's okay.
Yeah, like why? And what they want to do.

Speaker 1 And then the step of setting boundaries with

Speaker 1 the extended family.

Speaker 2 How hard is that? Or how hard was that for you to create boundaries? Or is that for like Latin culture or Latin communities to create boundaries with parents or extended family when they get married?

Speaker 1 It could be hard because, I mean, it wasn't for me

Speaker 1 because you know my my family and I did that work before I met you. But it can be hard because

Speaker 1 you don't want to offend your mom. You don't want to offend your dad.
And then the end boy, if they're Latinos, they do get offended, you know?

Speaker 1 Like, oh, I can't believe you have to ask your fiancé if you can come to the trip because you guys had other plans.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? So it's like this thing.

Speaker 1 It doesn't come from a bad place, I want to say.

Speaker 2 Who is the guy online that we like watching his content? Is it Mark Driscoll?

Speaker 1 Oh, he speaks a lot.

Speaker 2 Where he says, listen, you know, and he's like a father and he's got kids and I think he's got grandkids or whatever. And so his kids have their own family.

Speaker 2 And he's like, I understand this as a father. It's hard to,

Speaker 2 you know, once your daughter or your son goes and creates their own family, you're no longer in their family. Obviously, it's your daughter.
It's your child. It's your daughter.
It's your son.

Speaker 2 And you're going to treat them like that. But you also have to respect that they are now in a new family.

Speaker 2 They have a husband or a wife and they're creating their kids and they're creating their routines and their rituals.

Speaker 2 He says something like, listen, you're going to make your own Christmas and Thanksgiving and holiday plans.

Speaker 2 We're going to try to entice you and say, we're going to have a lot of cool gifts and free food. And we're going to offer you things to come to our home as well if you want to.

Speaker 2 But if you want to be your own thing, we have to respect that as the parents.

Speaker 2 And that's just the natural progression of life and seasons of life.

Speaker 2 And then when your kids go off and get married, they're no longer your family, they're your extended family, which is the weirdest thing to think of.

Speaker 2 It's not something I thought of before this process.

Speaker 1 Do you know? I think it'd be worth to bring up the. Do you want to bring the church wedding? What happened? Because I think for me, that was a really big test.

Speaker 2 Oh man, yeah, it was just intense.

Speaker 1 But I think it's a beautiful test of

Speaker 1 this conversation that we're having.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's a good example. But we don't.
I mean, I might look like a jerk, but I'll share it anyways.

Speaker 1 No, no, you're, I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll share it. It's okay.
It don't matter. Well, so what happened is Martha and I were planning.
I mean, it was a whole process of like

Speaker 2 figuring out where we're going to get married, the planning process, like all that was

Speaker 2 a thing in itself, planning a wedding. But Martha really wanted to get married in the church first.
And I was like, cool. Happy to do it.

Speaker 1 And then we were to get married like a week or two later, but we never figured out the date when we were going to to get married and i want to interject for a second you were so amazing when we talked to the priest about this because you know how important it is for us also and for me we have this relationship also with god right so it was really important

Speaker 1 priest did not have any availability or dates to do a formal wedding the way the church does it you know for our we had a wedding date in mexico yeah but you wanted to get married beforehand and he was like i don't know how many open dates.

Speaker 1 And Lewis helped me. And he went, if we don't get married like this, she won't feel like we're getting married.
It will feel for her like we're like, we're not married still.

Speaker 2 We're not married. We're just married in Mexico.
That's not by the church, but just a ceremony with friends and family. I was telling the priest, I was like, she's not going to feel married.

Speaker 2 Isn't that right? And you were like, yes. You were like, tearing up.

Speaker 2 And I go, what's the chance

Speaker 2 we can make this happen any other time before we leave?

Speaker 1 So he said,

Speaker 1 you know, okay, we can make it happen, but it's got to be very little people because otherwise then it's an actual event exactly so we're gonna do it and then he throw he threw a date like a week

Speaker 2 it was today three months ago yeah exactly it was yeah it's February 1st. Oh, interesting.
February 1st. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Three months ago. So I want to preface this by saying...

Speaker 2 Well, originally it was the second and then he moved to the first.

Speaker 1 I want to preface this by saying that in

Speaker 1 my, you know, a previous relationship I had before,

Speaker 1 this thing of

Speaker 1 leaving your family of origin behind and making the other person your family was a big lesson for me. Because you didn't do it.
I didn't do this.

Speaker 1 I just didn't. You wanted to do that.

Speaker 1 I wasn't adult enough. That is the truth.
To know, you know what? You are my family now. You are the, I didn't do, I didn't do this.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I think for me, you know, God is so beautiful in the way he teaches you the lessons and he puts you little tests to see if you learned the lesson.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So this is a big test.

Speaker 1 It was a big test. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So we we had agreed. This is the whole thing.
We had agreed, okay, I'm happy to do the church wedding. It's fine.
And then we'll do another one later or whatever you want to do.

Speaker 2 I was like, whatever you want, it makes you happy. Let's do it.
And then I said,

Speaker 2 okay, but my family is not coming out here for this church wedding because they're all.

Speaker 1 So we had the other one immediately.

Speaker 2 We had the other one a week later. And they're like, we already have.
flights, trips planned for them. They're not going to fly for this and then fly for that.
They got lives and kids.

Speaker 2 And it's like, they're not here in LA.

Speaker 2 and we needed witnesses for the church wedding and i said okay we each need two yeah right so we can have your parents and then we can have matt and kendra your best friend yes

Speaker 2 and that was the agreement that was the agreement it was like months before now fast forward to that's all like where you okay with us doing a church wedding where we just have a simple ceremony simple two and two and we do it here it was amazing you were like yes and the priest said yes we you know it's little people otherwise it's going to be an event it was great take us 30 minutes but latino family and latino behaviors show up they show up with the best intentions in the world as a surprise so your family the day before our wedding yeah your family everybody flies and mom is like surprise and there was like yeah flowers and cakes and presents

Speaker 2 by the way it was so beautiful the way they the way they they set up our house with all these different things it we you just it's amazing but it was like it was like at five o'clock at night i come back and i see like your whole family at our house, like taking over.

Speaker 2 And I'm like,

Speaker 2 I'm like,

Speaker 2 are they coming to the wedding tomorrow? Like, what's that?

Speaker 1 And I had a conversation.

Speaker 2 So I was just more like, the stress was more of like, I'm glad they're here,

Speaker 2 but no one from my family is here. Exactly.
And so I was feeling like,

Speaker 2 oh, shoot, I feel really bad that your whole family is here to witness this and no one from my family is going to be here.

Speaker 2 And so I literally text my mom and call her. I said, mom, any chance you want to come tomorrow, I'll fly you out here in the morning.
That was It was my first thought.

Speaker 2 She was like, it was like midnight. She was like, I'm exhausted.
Like, thank you for inviting me, but no.

Speaker 2 And it was never our intention to invite our families because we invited them for the main kind of big ceremony. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I was like grappling with this all night.

Speaker 2 And then the wedding, the church was, the wedding was like noon, right? It was like noon the next day or one or something. 2 p.m.
3 p.m.

Speaker 2 I get up, I like try to go to the gym and try to get like clear my mind.

Speaker 2 And I'm also thinking, oh, I'm actually getting married today i'm like oh this is like happening i'm like this is real you know we've been preparing and i'm ready for this but i'm like oh my gosh it's like my whole life because this is what i've you know discussed with girlfriends who've also gotten married for us women it's like the preparation to get married we cannot know yeah this is coming this is happening what i've heard is for you guys you don't get the reality the reality check that you're getting married happens on the day you're getting married you're like oh this is the day yeah boom like that and i was i was it was like a lot of emotions happening you know it's like okay my my family's not here hers is here i was like my all these things i was like my dad's not here anymore he's not gonna be able to witness this all these things i was like oh man what do i do and i was like ah the bigger version of me should just be like ah just let it be and just like let their whole family come and i'll be okay i was like i know i'll be okay

Speaker 2 But it's something was inside of me. I was like, gosh, something just feels off for me.
And I feel, it's more like I felt sad.

Speaker 2 i felt sad you were sad i love your family and i wanted them to be there yes i know but i was also just so torn that i was like i should have invited my family there yes you were sad you were you're in your heart this is the way

Speaker 1 you were so sad because you literally communicated to me you know i feel and i was feeling so sad like it was a we had such a beautiful conversation because you said listen How would it feel for you?

Speaker 1 Which you didn't need to tell me because I was in your shoes already. But it's like if

Speaker 1 everybody from my family is here, and I just mean the nuclear family, it's not like 20 people flew in, still the main family, everybody of my family is here, and you had no one, and you had no one, and I already knew you were struggling with what happened because I was like, when they showed up, I was like, this is great now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, so it was, I think it was beautiful the way we talked about it because

Speaker 1 I, for me,

Speaker 1 and you know, correct me if I'm wrong, but like you express yourself with with your emotions I was there present with you and I said to you you are my family

Speaker 1 this is literally you are my family

Speaker 1 the sacrament of matrimony only needs

Speaker 1 three people

Speaker 1 you me obviously God

Speaker 1 represented by the priest yeah that's it like we don't we don't need the like we don't need like there's no it's the opposite yeah it's us creating this covenant this agreement.

Speaker 1 This is what we want in our life. So we will do whatever makes your heart feel happy.
But because you're such a generous man, I was like, I want your family to be there.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 1 So you were conflicted. So I thought, how do I help

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Speaker 2 We got married at 3 p.m. Yeah.
This is, this is 2 p.m. Yeah.
That I'm literally, I come back from a hike. I'm trying to like.

Speaker 1 But I saw you. I saw your eyes eyes.
And I came into the room. I'm like,

Speaker 2 sweaty, like short t-shirt. I'm laying on the bed at 2 p.m.
I'm like, what do we do? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you were literally like, we don't have to get married today. We can just.

Speaker 1 I literally said, you felt so chill in that.

Speaker 2 I was like, I was like the crazy bride. You were like, whatever you want, whatever you need.

Speaker 2 I was just like, I don't know what to do. I know.
I know. It was crazy.

Speaker 1 I didn't care so much.

Speaker 2 I was like, yeah, I was a wreck emotionally inside because I was like, if I say no to your family, I'm a jerk for the rest of my life. No, and you were not.

Speaker 2 But then I'm going to feel sad that my family's not here to witness this.

Speaker 1 And for me, it was, and this is part of this, the preparation that we did also, but it's also part of my heart.

Speaker 1 If you are suffering or struggling with something, I am suffering and struggling with that something. It's not a you problem versus, you know, oh, whatever, suck it up.
My family is here.

Speaker 1 No, it's our situation to resolve together. So then I was like, I understand what's happening for him.
I understand how he feels. I feel that way.

Speaker 1 I know he doesn't want to feel like he's being, you know, that word you said with the family. I don't know that you're being

Speaker 1 mean to them, exactly. And at the same time, all the conflictive emotions.
So I said, love,

Speaker 1 you know, we have several options. We can get married in Mexico the same way in Europe.
And I don't know that priest.

Speaker 1 That's not the priest that prepared us.

Speaker 2 I was like, that's the same thing. There's like a different priest we can follow.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 And I was like, okay, listen, I think the best option is this. You and I had an agreement together.
Yeah. But you let me know how this sounds for you, I said.

Speaker 1 We had an agreement that we made together. We stick to the agreement.
My family is very cool, meaning the extended family.

Speaker 1 I know for a fact that they're going to be happy if they just wait at home to celebrate. Because the marriage is not happening between my family.
you and me and your family.

Speaker 1 The marriage is happening between the two of us who are creating a family right now so i am your wife although i haven't signed the thing i'm your wife right so i got your back yeah don't worry about it take a shower i'll talk to my family yeah it's all gonna be okay yeah this was 2 p.m and we were getting married at three yeah and i felt like

Speaker 2 are you sure you're like yes and you're like are you sure they're not gonna be offended because that was the thing inside of your heart i just felt like you know they flew in for this it was a whole thing and they were like surprising us and i was like it's so nice of them to do this but we had talked for months that like we're just keeping it this.

Speaker 2 Otherwise, I would have told my parents or my mom and my family to fly in as well and try to figure out something. Absolutely.
So it just was trying to make it like work for both of us.

Speaker 2 And this is a great moment where you stepped up and said, I'm going to take care of my family and communicate to them. We're going to do it how we originally did it.
They came at the very end.

Speaker 2 So they were able to come take photos with us.

Speaker 1 We still celebrated with them.

Speaker 2 We celebrate. They were outside.

Speaker 1 Some of that were there, which was the original.

Speaker 2 And this was probably the most sacred moment of my life because there was no one in the church

Speaker 2 except for the priest, your parents, Matt and Kendra, and their two like innocent kids

Speaker 2 on the alt, like the altar with the priest just having this intimate conversation.

Speaker 2 If we have photos, we'll put them up on the video to show some of these. And it was like you could hear God.

Speaker 2 It was so

Speaker 2 good. You could hear and feel this presence that was so

Speaker 2 raw and vulnerable and powerful. And it was just like, wow.
Remember what the priest said? The priest said in what, 30 years of doing the weddings,

Speaker 2 thousands of weddings. He's like, I've never experienced a wedding like this.

Speaker 2 And so he invited the four people that we had to come up and be all together in a circle.

Speaker 2 And just

Speaker 2 like this. It was just like a little

Speaker 2 spiritual hug circle. I don't know.
It was crazy. And it was so powerful.

Speaker 2 And I was like, gosh, this is exactly the way it needed to be. If there was more people, it would have been more like performative.
It'd been like, okay, we look back at our family and friends.

Speaker 2 And it'd have been more of like a performance, which is not bad. It's just this was like the center of what was happening.
It was so, it was building a foundation of us.

Speaker 2 And then a week later, we did the, you know, the whole celebration with friends and family. And it was like.

Speaker 2 mariachi and bands and freaking donkeys and it was like the whole thing in Mexico, which was like

Speaker 2 the monkey that thing. It was incredible.
Dancers, it was like the food. It was like a Mexican fiesta.
It was incredible.

Speaker 2 But I think it wouldn't have been as fun had we not done the church wedding a week before. Yeah.
Because I felt relaxed.

Speaker 2 You know, during during the celebration with friends and family, I was like, we're having fun. Maybe it was a little bit of like right before getting married.

Speaker 2 It was like a little nervous, but it was like, I was playing pickleball in the morning. You were.
I was like, yeah, we're having fun.

Speaker 1 And also, you stayed in the suite as I was getting ready.

Speaker 2 I was in the pool.

Speaker 1 And all the team were like, is he ever going to live?

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 Because we can't pull out the dress. And all the things is so funny.

Speaker 2 But it was very, it was like a celebration. It was fun.

Speaker 2 It didn't feel stressful at all. No.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 1 I think in a way, it was so beautiful that that happened. Yeah.
Because, again, I feel like

Speaker 1 it was both a gift.

Speaker 1 and a test wrapped together. It was like a test for you.

Speaker 2 It was a test for both of us. For both of us.
Because I like to,

Speaker 2 I want to please people.

Speaker 2 I want people to feel good it's like i don't want people to be like angry at me and especially on our wedding day it's like if they flew in for this and i'm the jerk that says no you can't come

Speaker 2 i didn't want that but you were like you know what you're you're right we should make this about us and stick to us and stick to our agreements and i was like well i need to be more flexible and it's not really that big a deal but if we don't speak up and use our voice when we've created agreements in a relationship, then we're going to have little resentments, you know, that carry with us for a long time.

Speaker 1 And so many, so many couples,

Speaker 1 whether they're married or not yet, but like so many couples struggle with that part of like

Speaker 1 in what moment

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 set a loving boundary with my family to say, listen, this is the person I'm choosing as right now becoming my family. So many wedding stories that people can tell us in the comments.

Speaker 1 You know, like, oh, in this, you know, I experienced this happening in the wedding.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, a lot of drama. There are some drama in the wedding.

Speaker 1 It's like, wait,

Speaker 1 you are creating a family together. Yes.
You know?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And so literally at two, I remember I looked at my watch at 2.30.
I got in the shower and we got married at three.

Speaker 2 Isn't that crazy? And I was like, I didn't know what I was going to wear. I was like, no.

Speaker 2 You were kind of already, like, your hair was already done. Your makeup was already done.
Like, I think you just had to put a dress on.

Speaker 1 And also, we left together. You saw me in the dress.

Speaker 2 We did everything different by the way since the beginning of dating we've done everything it was it was kind of like i don't know how i got ready this fast i showered in five minutes i was like do i even have a suit do i have to iron it i was like i just put on a suit and a tie and then i was like frantically like we got to go running to the the the church and then we pull up like five minutes i don't know how we got there on time yeah and we pull up and even then you said could you text your family and tell them to come?

Speaker 2 Said, tell them to come and like be outside.

Speaker 2 I said, come towards the end.

Speaker 1 Right before towards the end.

Speaker 2 I said, like, come to the end so they can see us walking out.

Speaker 2 Because I was like, I'll just have them come. You know, just have them come.
Like, let's make it a win-win. And they ended up coming.
They ended up coming.

Speaker 2 And like, we got to do photos afterwards together and celebrate.

Speaker 1 We were dancing in the

Speaker 2 living room. But it was like, I was stressed right before we walked down the aisle together.
And we walked down the

Speaker 2 aisle together. Together.
To the thing. And again, there was no one in there.
There was no one. It It was just like.

Speaker 1 Which also, in a way, although it was not traditional, it was meaningful because it also happened so quickly. We hadn't even

Speaker 2 thought about how we're going to walk.

Speaker 1 So we walk hand in hand together as two adults. Yes.

Speaker 1 Tourists, like in the aisle.

Speaker 2 And your parents were there, and Matt and Kendra were there. And the priest in the middle.

Speaker 1 And the priest and the cross in the middle. We were walking on our own choice.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. I was like together.

Speaker 1 Making this beautiful decision.

Speaker 2 It was beautiful. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That was a a beautiful so it was a beautiful thing that we did that and the whole family of origin part yes if we hadn't have gone through that whatever six months before or whatever it was and talked about these things maybe we wouldn't have been able to come together in that moment and then you know what happens later you were centered for life for life you hold on to stuff

Speaker 2 and you hold on or you hold on to it until you forgive it but then you're like i wish i would have stood up for what i wanted to do or i wish they didn't do this or i wish my parents didn't come whatever it is

Speaker 2 you

Speaker 2 it just gets messy. And I think because we have this foundation of understanding our origin story and how we want to create our family, I'm like, have your family come over every day.

Speaker 2 I'm like, you know, have them come every weekend, have them stay the night. Like, I love being around them.

Speaker 2 It's not like I'm like, get away from me. I love you very much.
I'm like, this is awesome. You know, obviously we have boundaries, but it's like, because I know you've got.

Speaker 2 our back in the relationship. I'm like, yeah, come over as much as you want because I don't feel like they're intruding intruding in our marriage.

Speaker 2 You know, they're adding, they're enriching our marriage, they're supportive, they're having fun with us, we're having experiences.

Speaker 2 But it's like, if they go on a trip, we don't have to go with them every time. It's like we choose what we want to do.
And vice versa.

Speaker 2 If my family's like inviting to something, you don't have to do something because whatever. So this whole family of origin thing was powerful.

Speaker 2 And it almost makes me want to be around your family more.

Speaker 2 But also know, like, oh, if I'm somewhere, like, we can leave at some time with your family. And it's like, I don't feel bad.

Speaker 1 Because, you know, my family of origin is very accepting with you too. Like, I remember the first few times you were hanging out with them.

Speaker 1 You were like, in the middle of everything, because we talk forever as Latinos, you were like, I'm getting sleepy.

Speaker 2 We got to go take a nap. It was late.
It was like, we were there all day for something. And I was like, I was exhausted.
Yeah. And I go, I don't know if I'm like, had two cups of coffee.

Speaker 2 I was like, I think I need to go in the car. She's like, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 1 No, I said, no, go upstairs to the room and take a nap.

Speaker 1 You sure your parents are not going to be offended that I'm leaving to just take a nap in the middle? I was like, why?

Speaker 2 Just be well, because in previous relationships, it was like, unless you're present for the whole weekend activities, it's like you're a bad partner.

Speaker 1 But this is when you introduce the must thing in the relationship. You must do this thing.
You should do these things. It's like the rules in a relationship constrict the relationship.

Speaker 1 You know, literally. And so

Speaker 1 you and I have.

Speaker 2 Yeah, rules. We don't have rules.
We have agreements. Agreements.

Speaker 2 And these agreements create freedom because it allows us to essentially say this is what we have agreed on so if i'm not doing something we agreed on or you're not doing something for whatever reason remember our agreements

Speaker 2 and is there a reason why you don't want are we creating a new agreement now because you don't want to do that anymore if so we both have to agree it can't just be this is the way it needs to be and you have to accept it it needs to be we both need to agree otherwise why are we in a relationship if we can't agree on things yeah or if we can't agree to be okay with how we do things differently.

Speaker 2 It's like, I don't know. Maybe you don't like something I do, but you're like, okay, I'm okay that you're going to do that.
I don't like it, but I'm agreeing that that's how you are. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't even know why I'm not. I don't know.
I'm thinking what I was thinking. Let's just making sure that we're in alignment with agreements.
And the next thing is couple communication. Yes.

Speaker 2 That's a big one.

Speaker 2 Which I can't remember everything they talked about with this, but I think a lot of it was around like creating agreements and making sure when there's a disagreement especially that part when there's a disagreement and when there's a disagreement it means we haven't agreed on something yet there shouldn't be disagreements like we don't really disagree unless it's a new thing we haven't talked about right that i'm like hmm i don't see it that way and you're like well i actually see it this way then we have a disagreement right we aren't in agreement yet yeah and this whole couple communication thing is you talk about this a lot it's having curiosity it's like let me speak with curiosity and say huh why why do you think this way?

Speaker 2 Why do you think this way?

Speaker 1 Rather than thinking like a victim or that your partner is doing something malevolous behind your back or in front of you.

Speaker 2 Or just that they have a belief that's wrong or bad.

Speaker 1 Or something, exactly. It's like,

Speaker 1 it's always

Speaker 1 try your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

Speaker 1 I was talking to a girlfriend about this recently, and I was saying, haven't you noticed that when you have a best friend, a best guy friend, or a best girlfriend, if they do something you usually don't think badly you think oh he was tired oh he forgot to call yeah oh she whatever all these things why is it that we don't do the exact same thing for our partners it's true think about it like i'm sure you know i don't know like our friends can do things

Speaker 1 and well for us you know because we've set our foundation differently but it usually happens that way that you you get offended because this person did this thing, the person you're dating,

Speaker 1 whereas you would never get offended if it was your best friend doing it.

Speaker 2 That's true. Why do you think that is? I don't know.
Matt always says this to me.

Speaker 2 He's like, I don't know why I just never get upset when you do certain things, but other people would make me upset or something. You know, it's like if they did certain things.

Speaker 2 You know what I think it is? Tell me.

Speaker 1 I think because the stakes are higher.

Speaker 2 Ah, with love. With love.

Speaker 1 With intimacy, with like the relationship you have about yourself that is projected on the other person. So meaning your best friend can forget it was your birthday that morning,

Speaker 1 right? And tell you later, dude, I forgot.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday, blah, blah. And you're going to be totally cool.
Ah, no problem, whatever. But if your partner forgets that it was your birthday or anniversary that morning.

Speaker 2 See? You didn't remind me it was a three-month anniversary. I'm the one that told you.

Speaker 1 What does that say about me

Speaker 1 and about how much this person actually loves me?

Speaker 1 And it makes you doubt about your worth,

Speaker 1 your worth, literally your worth. So then

Speaker 1 it makes you realize, wait, the stakes are higher because I am putting my self-worth in the hands of my partner. You don't do that with your best friends or friends.

Speaker 1 You don't put your self-worth in those, unless, you know, whatever, I don't know, really codependent. friendship relationships, but you really don't.
So I think that's one of the reasons.

Speaker 1 So if we can bring a little bit of that mindset of a friendship into the relationship

Speaker 1 and say, in that case,

Speaker 1 he forgot because this is part of his personality. He forgets dates and this is who he is.
And that has nothing to do with me or what it means to our relationship.

Speaker 1 If he's going to call me, you know what? This is another thing. If it's so important for you to celebrate that anniversary

Speaker 1 and your husband forgot about it, there's nothing wrong with you reminding your husband hey tomorrow's our anniversary you just want to let you know but you want maybe him to do something special remind him a week before i think there's nothing wrong with it i think you do this really well because i also

Speaker 2 grew up not really celebrating a lot of things like i didn't throw parties for my birthday it wasn't like

Speaker 2 it's just not how i was raised or trained to like let's celebrate every moment in our life every anniversary every week and as mexicans go

Speaker 1 as

Speaker 2 everything's a celebration. Celebration, yes.
So it's also learning to accept, and I think you do this well. You say, listen,

Speaker 2 you had a big guest on this week.

Speaker 2 You completed your book, whatever it is. Let's go celebrate and go out to dinner this weekend.
So you say it like a week in advance, and you say, I want us to celebrate and have a celebration.

Speaker 1 And I even say to you sometimes, let's choose a date. What day works?

Speaker 2 Yes. Let's do that.
And you say what you want. I wouldn't be doing that.
I wouldn't be thinking like, I'm just like, all right, I completed this this thing or i launched my book like

Speaker 2 let's relax and hang out and then on to the next thing and so if you want something you have to communicate it yeah and you have to understand what is your couple communication yes and we do things differently from our past and if we're joining a family and creating a family we're going to create communication on what we both want moving forward yeah and it also means i may not want to celebrate every person's birthday, which is five a week.

Speaker 2 And we're not going to every event and we're not doing a celebration celebration all the time but it also means when you want to celebrate something you communicate it to me and i plan to like celebrate those moments and i'm like okay this is not something i normally do but she wants to do this this weekend let's plan it cool yeah i'm in because we're creating a family together yes so it's not like a compromise it's more about communication of what we want and making sure we're both in alignment

Speaker 2 And the next thing is conflict resolution.

Speaker 2 When we're not in alignment on something, it's really learning how to resolve friction, resolve disagreements, resolve moments of stress or overwhelm or like, hey, we're not seeing an AI.

Speaker 2 And I think a lot of it starts with conflict resolution is identifying the issue.

Speaker 2 Identifying the issue first. What is the issue? Is the issue that you don't love me right now? No.

Speaker 2 The issue is you're struggling with something that's happening and you want to feel safe, you know, or whatever it might be.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it's talking about how can we come to a resolution around this thing? How can we create peace around it so you feel good and I feel good? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because if you don't feel good around something, the relationship isn't good and vice versa.

Speaker 2 So it needs to be, but I can't,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 be a martyr and then only make you feel good. And then I never feel good.
Right. I need to be, we need to both be in agreement that, okay, this works for me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe I don't love this thing, but it works for me and I'm at peace with it. And we've come to an agreement.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And that is learning learning how to have conscious conflict resolution

Speaker 2 not where you're not where you're saying that's stupid or you're wrong or ah screaming it's saying all right let's work through this problem why do you feel this way why do i feel this way what doesn't work for you what doesn't work for me what does work for you what does work for me okay is there a way we can come together on this and i think always reminding ourselves

Speaker 2 you know, when

Speaker 2 when there's a moment of confusion, how can we stay connected and like continue like holding hands? How can we listen? You know, something I like to do is read your mind and speak for you.

Speaker 2 You know, you start a sentence and I'm like, I already know what you're going to say. This, this, and this.
Let's just get to the point.

Speaker 1 It's very entertaining to me sometimes because I'm mid-sentence and then you complete what you think I'm going to say and you respond to the thing you thought.

Speaker 2 Most of the time I'm right, though.

Speaker 1 Most of the time. I would say like 80% of the time, really.

Speaker 2 But you're very smart. Well, I'm also the personality that's like, I I want to get to the resolution now.
I don't want to hear stories and

Speaker 2 go through every little thing of this thing. I'm like, I understand what you're feeling.
Let's get to that.

Speaker 1 So, how do we process our feelings?

Speaker 2 Talking about

Speaker 2 telling. Which is okay.
But it's, again, understanding and accepting through conflict resolution of like, all right, I get to learn to be more patient and listen more as opposed to.

Speaker 2 guessing what you're going to say.

Speaker 2 You bring the stories down a little bit because you're a storyteller. So it's like, you just shorten them a little bit so that I can have more patience.

Speaker 1 Exactly, yeah. No, and there's also something really I think it's important that we apply that is really good.

Speaker 1 Again, the first step for conflict resolution is

Speaker 1 try your best not to take it personal. Whatever is going on that the other person did, that you felt offended, or that you felt whichever emotion that you're feeling,

Speaker 1 rejected or not seen, or any of these things, is like most likely has nothing to do about you. Right.
Right. and so

Speaker 1 when

Speaker 2 any of us brings up something to the table it's more in the way of like okay first i'm gonna tell you all the things that i appreciate about you this is what i i said we were in hawaii a couple years ago yeah and we had like maybe it was like our first argument or something that we had yeah and it was like an hour of struggle and i was like why aren't we getting to a resolution quickly like it should be you know and it's like maybe our first one in like a couple years or something because men want to fix things quickly.

Speaker 1 That's the thing. And us, we want to discuss what's going on.

Speaker 2 And this is what I, this is what I said early on. I said, listen,

Speaker 2 we can have as many uncomfortable conversations as you want. Like if something is bothering you, I always want you to bring it to me.

Speaker 2 If something is on your heart or your mind, even if it's irrational, bring it to me and let's talk about it. And I said, what works for me?

Speaker 2 is not just coming to me after we're in Hawaii and we're in this beautiful place and I've taken you out to dinner and we took a walk on the beach and I, I don't know, bought you some bikini or whatever it is.

Speaker 2 And it's like, I've invested in this beautiful trip for us to have this amazing vacation. And then out of the blue, there's something on your heart or your mind.
I can't remember.

Speaker 2 I can't remember.

Speaker 1 But here are the things. It was about candles.

Speaker 2 Okay, I don't even remember what it was.

Speaker 1 It was the silliest thing.

Speaker 2 It doesn't even really matter what it is. It's more about like...

Speaker 2 But for whatever reason, it was like you were on this thing for like, I don't know, maybe it was an hour. It wasn't like you were blowing up, but I just felt underappreciated.

Speaker 2 And all I was thinking about, she's talking about candles or whatever it was you were talking about. It's so easy.

Speaker 1 I think it's really good to

Speaker 1 dissect it a little bit.

Speaker 2 You were talking about something that I didn't do that you wanted, right? It's like you wanted me to have candles out, or I don't know. You felt

Speaker 1 because this is the way you expressed later when we talked about it, that I was bringing up something because you were not doing enough of that something.

Speaker 1 And I just wanted to have a romantic night with candles. Right.
And at that moment, you said, candles feel like the movies to me. That's true.
They feel like you're faking something.

Speaker 1 Like, what's up with the candles, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And it feels inorganic.

Speaker 1 It feels inorganic.

Speaker 2 It feels inauthentic. It feels like...
It feels so romantic to me. It feels like I want to throw up my mouth.

Speaker 1 Yes. But the thing is.

Speaker 2 I'm like, we're in Hawaii walking on the beach to the sunset. This is, I am romance.
You know, it's like...

Speaker 1 For me, precisely because we were in Hawaii and on the beach.

Speaker 2 You wanted more.

Speaker 1 I wanted the candles.

Speaker 2 It was just about the candles. I'm like, we have roses.
We had flowers in the room. I already had all this stuff.

Speaker 1 The point is,

Speaker 1 a conflict is not really about the candles. It's not really about picking up the mail or cleaning the kitchen.
It's what's underneath that's what's happening. Of course.

Speaker 1 So what was underneath to me, I wanted to create a moment of intimacy.

Speaker 1 I wanted to share with each other a

Speaker 1 special intimate moment, like trying something a little bit different, you know? Just with the candles.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 And for you, and at that moment, it was my lack of communication. The way you received it is, oh my God, she's not seeing all of the things that I do right now.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I pay for this trip.

Speaker 1 There's beautiful sunsets.

Speaker 2 There's like flowers and chocolate and this.

Speaker 1 There's all these things that we're experiencing in the most beautiful place in the world.

Speaker 2 And she's over here talking about candles. She's talking about candles.
Like, what is this? Exactly.

Speaker 1 I'm like. But, but underneath, you felt unappreciated.

Speaker 1 That's what was happening underneath.

Speaker 2 And what I told you is, I said, all I need, I said, you can tell me everything you want or anything

Speaker 2 you don't like about something or you want more of, all these things. But for me, what's going to work for me is if all you have to do is talk about what you're grateful for first

Speaker 2 or what you appreciate about what I've already been doing.

Speaker 2 And if you can come to me and say, gosh, I really appreciate it.

Speaker 2 You don't have to do a long list of everything, but just like, I really appreciate how you take care of me and that you brought us here. It can be as simple as that.

Speaker 2 Not, you don't have to say, I'm grateful for how you did this today and this. You don't have to give me a list of everything, even though there's a lot of things.

Speaker 2 What I have to say is, like, I just really appreciate how you do that. Because sometimes it's really, you just

Speaker 1 start saying a lot of things.

Speaker 2 So, all you have to do is say a few things of like, man, I really appreciate these things that you do, and I appreciate how you take care of us.

Speaker 2 And I appreciate that we've went on this beautiful dinner last night. We went on a walk on the beach today, and you were really taking time to like make this trip special.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'd like to try this thing. That's it.
That's it. That's it.
Then add.

Speaker 2 And I'd love to try this thing.

Speaker 2 Do you think you can be, do you think we can get some flowers tonight or we can get some candles too? I think it could be really fun. Yes.

Speaker 1 For me, in the process, sorry to interrupt.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 As I was trying to explain yourself where I was coming from,

Speaker 1 the longer the conversation, the faster you wanted to fix it. And the faster you wanted to fix it.

Speaker 1 the faster I felt like I needed to express where I really was coming from, which was not of making you wrong, which was not of being unappreciative, which was more of like, I just thought it'd be really cool to do this.

Speaker 1 That's where I was coming from. But because you were at that moment, because this happens in, you know, in conflict, you were so focused on trying to fix it very quickly.

Speaker 1 Yes, I felt unseen and you were feeling unappreciated. And that was what's happening underneath in reality.
So it was, I'm so glad that happened.

Speaker 1 Because then after it happened, we both had this conversation and saying, you know, love, I understand now where you're coming from.

Speaker 1 But for me, it just, it just sinks in differently and kindly if you tell me in this specific way. And I was like, okay.

Speaker 1 And then when I tell you in that specific way, which I understand because like otherwise it sounds to you like I'm not appreciating everything that you do already.

Speaker 1 I also would like to try these things and would like to express to you why, right?

Speaker 2 And conflict resolution is a powerful thing because you can learn how to be in a better relationship with your partner. Yes.

Speaker 2 And even though it takes these moments of stress or overwhelm or conflict in order for you to then have the conversation and say, hey, when this happens again, here's what I would love for us to try.

Speaker 2 And that's why I say to you, you can have as many uncomfortable conversations as you want with me. You can bring stuff up you don't like.
You can say you disagree, whatever it is.

Speaker 2 And we can have that conversation.

Speaker 2 I guess there's only like two, two

Speaker 2 agreements that I like to have. One is don't have it when I put my head on the bed.
Yes. So once I'm in bed, my head shuts off and I can't have these uncomfortable conversations.

Speaker 2 It's really challenging. Unless there's like a crisis, then okay, let's wake back up and let me be here for you.

Speaker 1 Which, by the way, I want to say, that is such a beautiful adaptation we did together of that. Because we have that

Speaker 1 agreement that we've made together. You know what?

Speaker 2 After 11 p.m., and it's true, like one has to choose whenever to say something so if your husband is just about to leave out the door yes in 10 minutes to go to work and you bring up a subject and then you're upset because he had to leave oh my god he left me because no why did you care about this this is important you leaving the work you're not yeah exactly choose you're going with your friends right now you don't want to listen to me it's like but i have the tickets already for the game what do you mean why exactly exactly right now so it's learning how to bring up conflict at the right times yeah it doesn't mean you have to like abandon yourself and wait weeks and months It's just figure out, okay, when can we, and also saying, hey, there's something on my mind I want to talk about today that's bothering me.

Speaker 2 When is a good time for you?

Speaker 1 Exactly. When you make a bait,

Speaker 2 it doesn't need to be when you want it to be. Your partner has to agree to receive the conversation also.
So something's really on your heart and mind.

Speaker 2 And if they say, oh, actually, I want to resolve this now. So I'm going to cancel my thing because it doesn't work for me to like wait five hours.

Speaker 2 Then that's on you now saying, I'm going to cancel this thing and give you what you need. Or when I get back from this event to this game, then we can talk about it.
Or tomorrow morning is better.

Speaker 2 It's like finding a time within like 24, 48 hours, I think, is good. So the person isn't waiting to share this thing.

Speaker 2 And you're saying, I value your struggle enough to say, when do we want to talk about it? For us, we only have many of these conversations, but I'm also just like,

Speaker 2 it's...

Speaker 2 And I said to you, because there was a couple of times we had conversations late at night where I was just like, I'm exhausted. And you're like, you're not being present.
You're falling asleep.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, it's midnight. What do you want me to do?

Speaker 2 And so the next day I'm like, we need to make a new agreement. This isn't working.
Let's agree. Can we agree? No tough conversations after 10 p.m.

Speaker 2 And now it's like, when my head hits the bed, can we not have a conversation that's tough? Like, that's the time where we can talk about what we're grateful for.

Speaker 2 Wind down. It works for us.
And it works for us.

Speaker 1 That's the thing. I want to say something that I think is very important.

Speaker 1 All the things that we are sharing right now are things that work for us yes because i think all the agreements a relationship has in any relationship has to be tailored for them yes every person that that's what i love about a relationship it's tailored for us maybe certain agreements that we have for a woman that has a more sensitive um nervous system maybe they wouldn't work you know maybe they need different agreements that can work for them.

Speaker 2 But you got it, but then the man has to be okay with the agreement they're making. Don't be upset at the agreement.
Like, don't make the agreement if you're not in alignment with it.

Speaker 1 Right. And then the other thing is that these agreements are also negotiable, which is why I was grateful because you say, except there's a crisis, because we had a situation that there was a crisis.

Speaker 2 Yeah, then okay.

Speaker 1 And I woke up in the middle of the night and you were like, no, we have this agreement at that moment. And I was like, bad.

Speaker 2 My grandpa just died. And if there's a safe word, if there's something like, this is a crisis, I need you to wake up, then you know you're not crying, wolf.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Like, once a week, there's like, it's like, no, this is actually something happening. And I'm like, okay, I'm awake.
And it's like adrenaline mode. What do you need? I'm here.

Speaker 1 I have a question for you. What would you say?

Speaker 1 Let's say there's a man

Speaker 1 and his wife or partner or fiancé has breakdowns almost every single day. And they want the man to be available every single moment.
Like,

Speaker 1 what would you?

Speaker 2 Be careful who you marry. Okay.

Speaker 2 Choose wisely who you marry or accept this who they are.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's like if you've been with someone for a year, two, three, four years, and you get married to them, you cannot expect them to change overnight into someone you want them to be.

Speaker 2 You have to accept who you're marrying, meaning have these conversations beforehand. Understand who they are.

Speaker 2 Hopefully, you get to know 90 to 95% of the person's personality within a two to three year window.

Speaker 2 There's probably stuff I'll never fully know about you.

Speaker 2 There's always going to be things I'm going to learn about you, but 95% of you, I understand, because I've witnessed so much of your time and experiences together.

Speaker 2 And before getting engaged, before getting married, I said, okay, I'm choosing to accept this about you.

Speaker 2 It doesn't mean I love everything about you, like little nuances that maybe like annoy me or something. But it doesn't bother me necessarily because I've chosen to accept it.
And this is who you are.

Speaker 2 are and I could also say I'm sure there's things that I do that you're like okay that maybe it kind of annoys you but you've chosen to accept me so it doesn't bother you right it's not like stop doing that I don't like that well this is the person you married and this is the person you chose to accept if you didn't like who I was you shouldn't have gotten married to me now also on top of that

Speaker 2 We know that we're in a growth mindset relationship. So we're both in agreement that we're going to strive to continue to improve individually and together.

Speaker 2 And it doesn't mean every day we're not going to be perfect ever, but every day we're going to be willing to, you know, I'm going to take a look at that and reflect on it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And if something's horribly bothering you, I don't want that. So what can I do to try to create a new agreement in this space without feeling like I have to change who I am to please you?

Speaker 2 And I think that process of just a willingness that we are willing to grow, look at things, reflect, because nothing's going to be perfect, but we have accepted who we are.

Speaker 2 And that acceptance is the foundation. And because of that, we can have these conflict resolution conversations.

Speaker 2 When we are struggling with something, we can say, what's an agreement we can make around this?

Speaker 2 And we're going to continue to make agreements for the future. You know, there's going to be new things that we're going to have to agree on that come up in our life.

Speaker 2 It's not like, oh, we have these five agreements and we're good. No.
It's, it's going to evolve. It's good.
And some agreements may shift and change, like it's going to keep evolving.

Speaker 2 And I think that has been the thing because we accept each other. And I said this early on, I go, you know,

Speaker 2 you can be upset at me. You can have, you know, these challenging conversations.
You can say whatever you want, but you have to accept me. You have to accept who I am because I'm not changing.

Speaker 2 to please you.

Speaker 2 I need to make sure that I'm happy with me and you are happy with me. And if you're not happy with me or if I'm not happy with you, then that's a me thing or a you thing.

Speaker 2 You know, it's not, you don't need to change.

Speaker 2 I need to change the way I look at you and perceive you and learn to continue to accept you because you're going to evolve and shift and change and adapt in life. And so am I.

Speaker 1 I love what you're saying because it really

Speaker 1 you know, adding to that, and but it's part of the same subject is when when

Speaker 1 you are trying, when you're struggling with something about the person you're with over and over and over again, it's because underneath that, you wish they would change that.

Speaker 1 That's what it is. And when you learn to accept the entire person,

Speaker 1 not just falling in love with these parts of the person,

Speaker 1 the entire person, you know, okay, she is fantastic in all these different ways.

Speaker 1 However, she has a very thin nervous system and everything makes her break down that's the person you're with and either either accept her or don't be with her exactly because then the frustration that comes sometimes is not even about the person it's about you're wanting to change

Speaker 1 the person and and that creates a frustration because things are not the way you want them to be yeah and and then you're gonna suffer you're gonna suffer

Speaker 2 And so, and listen, we've both done this in the past in previous relationships where we didn't, we weren't accepted, we didn't accept the people, we wanted people to change, they wanted us to change.

Speaker 2 And it's just stressful. It just doesn't feel good.

Speaker 1 And so that doesn't mean that throughout the relationship, there's ways in you can grow together. Yes.
You know, but but it's it's walking next to each other to create that space as well.

Speaker 1 Like if there is a woman or a man with a very, you know, a nervous system that is breaking down and needs a lot of reassurance all the time and everything, you know, it's, it's, again,

Speaker 1 talk about the issue together how can i support you with this issue you know i've noticed this about you is there any way i can bring support in our life to create a better like a better life experience for the both of us yes i see you struggle so then it becomes also my struggle how do we do this together yeah

Speaker 2 a big thing that people fight about and one of the main causes of breakups and divorces is around money conversations, money problems, money issues. Yes.

Speaker 2 And so one of the next things in the process that we took for the premarital counseling was around finances and creating just a sample budget sheet.

Speaker 2 And I think this is more than just like a one-time conversation. This is something that we talked about over and over again.

Speaker 1 And you can do a whole episode just in that.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, we could. And we will.

Speaker 2 I mean, Ramit Safety has a great book that's like, I will teach you to be rich for couples or something like that. I can't remember the name of it, but we've gone through that.

Speaker 2 Again, Eight Dates talks about like money stuff. We had like a whole date in this Eight Dates book by the Gottmans, which was around money.

Speaker 2 And like it asks us, I think, like 50 questions that we both answer to each other about money

Speaker 2 to make sure we're in alignment.

Speaker 1 Your relationship with money. You may have a different relationship with money than I do.

Speaker 2 Everyone has a different relationship with money. And so you might have similarities within your partner, but you're going to have differences also.
And again, it's learning to accept the person.

Speaker 2 And one of the things that we talked about in here was like the debts you have, the debts I have. We didn't have any debts, but it's like, it's something you talk about is like, is there debt?

Speaker 2 How are you going to handle this? How does that make you feel if the partner has that? Whose responsibility is that?

Speaker 2 Are you merging finances? Who's paying for what? Like these things that you just don't think about that maybe you assume.

Speaker 2 And maybe you think, oh, the man's going to pay for these things and I'm not gonna pay for anything when I'm married or maybe you say we're gonna split it 50 50 or I've been a big entrepreneur I'm gonna take on the responsibility and then two years later you're married and then one of the two is resentful you never discuss these things never discuss it or and you or you find out oh wait what you had all this debt yeah and you never told me like all of this I think it's information that is important at a when you're dating I think there's a there's a moment we talked about this when we're dating before engaged you know and I think that's for me I was wanting to go through a lot of this stuff when we were dating because i was like why get engaged and then break it off like oh telling your friends and family in the world oh we got engaged and then uh it didn't work out six months later because we didn't have these conversations yes you don't have to have them before getting engaged yes we we did eight dates before

Speaker 2 which went into money and i was making sure are we in alignment now it doesn't mean we went through

Speaker 2 whose accounts are where and where are we merging money it wasn't that but it was like are we in alignment on money you You know, there's like 50 questions through the date that we went through on like money.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And each person has to answer the question. And then if we have a different answer, it was like, okay, why do you really feel about this? How do I feel about this? Are you okay if we did it this way?

Speaker 2 And we got to an alignment on a lot of these things. And it was like, okay, yeah, I'm okay with this, and you're okay with this.
Okay, cool.

Speaker 2 But if we have a big disagreement around money before getting engaged and we don't resolve that, it's just going to create more stress and chaos and pain for people in engagement, in marriage, because they think they love each other.

Speaker 2 But I think marriage, again, we're three months in, so we're not experts in this.

Speaker 2 But I think it is about creating peace and creating harmony within alignment on values, vision, and lifestyle, rather than do I love this person and does this person love me?

Speaker 2 Because that's going to be enough. I just don't think that's enough for people.
That's not enough.

Speaker 2 And, you know, I've been working on this book the last few years, Make Money Easy, which was all about healing your relationship with money.

Speaker 2 And I think when each individual goes through that process of healing their relationship with money, you have more peace and harmony coming together as well because you don't have fears, anxieties, limitations blocking you from feeling free with money.

Speaker 1 Also, you know what else? It's good to read that book together. Huge.

Speaker 1 You know, your book, like as couples, read it together because a bunch of the questions and examples that you come up in the book, you can share with each other.

Speaker 1 So it helps to share what the experience of money is being for each other. And then it helps you to understand your partner.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because what's underneath any fight of money for a lot, you know, for a lot of people is trust,

Speaker 1 for example.

Speaker 1 appreciation. There's another one.
Oh, I buy her all these different things.

Speaker 1 But she does.

Speaker 2 All she does is complain.

Speaker 1 Complain and all this different. And she just doesn't care.
So she's not valuing my effort.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 not valuing my job, not valuing what I bring to the table for the both of us. So it's feeling unappreciated underneath.

Speaker 2 Or

Speaker 1 he's not sharing any of his finances.

Speaker 1 Why? You know, it's weird. What's going on? Oh, well, it's a matter of trust.

Speaker 2 Or he's cheap or he's whatever it is.

Speaker 1 It's a matter of trust. So there's deeper things underneath what the conflict about money is.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And if you guys want us to do a whole episode on money and relationships, let us know in the comments below.

Speaker 1 Also, because in that whole episode, we can talk about the prenup.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 We can talk about, oh my God, it's such a problem.

Speaker 2 So, if you want more of that or you have problems with that, let us know in the comments below. So, that was just part of it.
Again, this could be a whole weeks for people to go through from that.

Speaker 2 Then we went over married intimacy.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That was so beautiful and so important.

Speaker 2 And I can't remember that part, but what was the main part of it?

Speaker 1 So, the main thing about

Speaker 1 the main thing thing about intimacy

Speaker 1 in married couples, which is beautiful, is that

Speaker 1 one of the things is that we think marriage is a finish line. Oh, we got there.
Great. Now she's my wife.
Forget about the lover, you know, when it's like, you know what? Before we got there,

Speaker 1 I was getting ready for you to go out on a date. You were getting ready for for me to go out on a date.
We would go on a date together. We'd make it fun, joyful, special.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's also, I was taking care of my health before. You were taking care of your health before.
And you can't just let go of yourself because you're married now.

Speaker 2 It's like taking care of your health, taking care of your mind, getting ready for each other to go out and experience life and go on dates, like all those things.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The way they talk about it in the workshop also is that, because a lot of people think, oh, if you're in a Christian workshop or in a catholic workshop it's like you never talk about sex we should never

Speaker 1 no they talk about it because they tell you your husband and your wife is there to enjoy each other that is literally another avenue of god's love for you

Speaker 1 that is there for you so there's the the the The way to build intimacy has everything to do with everything we discussed before.

Speaker 1 You know, you're not going to feel like you want to be intimate with me if I'm complaining about you all day long.

Speaker 1 If I'm complaining about the life we have all day long, if you feel unappreciated, you're going to be like, you know, I don't even know if I want this. Or maybe you just want that.

Speaker 1 And then you'll be like, ah, because I don't want, you know, it's all encompassing everything. And it's an opportunity and a gift that God gives us to enjoy each other's love in a physical way.

Speaker 1 And it is as important as the other ones, also.

Speaker 1 knowing that it will change and evolve in times and all these different things.

Speaker 2 So, it's like what happens if the woman doesn't want to have sex as much as the man?

Speaker 2 What happens? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you probably have to ask her why, like, what's happening with you? What's going on? It may not have anything to do with the man. Most likely, something's going on for her.

Speaker 1 And so, you can, like, you can

Speaker 1 curiosity, you know, address the woman and say, Hey,

Speaker 1 I love connecting with you this way.

Speaker 1 So it's not about sex

Speaker 1 per se, it's about intimacy. I love connecting with you this way.
I feel loved when we have, you know, when we're intimate with each other. And I'm starting to feel

Speaker 2 less disconnected.

Speaker 1 I'm starting to feel disconnected. And that's a beautiful way to connect.
with you. It's interesting because I don't want to be like men are like this and women are like this.

Speaker 1 However, there are certain things that we are different. This is a reality.
And

Speaker 1 for men, what I've heard from you is like looking for that connection.

Speaker 1 When you are intimate with your partner, you feel more connected, right? And for us, in order for us to feel intimate with our partner, we need to feel emotionally connected first.

Speaker 1 So it's almost like which one's the first, like chicken out of the egg. But in reality, it's a complement of each other in that way.
You feel, you, you, you, um,

Speaker 1 you feed the emotional connection and you feel the physical connection and one and another and they go in like this in a circle but why would you think a woman wouldn't want to have intimacy with their partner feels disconnected or you mean as the woman probably i don't know she feels disconnected or she feels undervalued or underappreciated or something's off something's off for some reason doesn't feel attracted to the man or feels resentful or feel, I mean, a number of things.

Speaker 1 You know, there's an interesting thing that I've learned recently that

Speaker 1 you know how there is

Speaker 1 harmful machismo.

Speaker 1 You know, a machismo, right?

Speaker 1 Am I saying it right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's also harmful,

Speaker 1 I know, but I'm saying a machismo, but I don't know if it means the same thing. It means the same thing here.
Macho, machismo. There's harmful machismo.
Yeah, yeah. And there's also harmful feminism.

Speaker 1 feminism.

Speaker 1 Like, I believe this.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 when you, as a woman, you start thinking that your power over your man has to do with sex

Speaker 1 and how much you give it to him or not, and when and only when you want to, and all of that stuff, you are creating the biggest prison ever and

Speaker 1 is a version of control. Yeah, it's manipulation.
It's manipulation, absolutely. And man, yeah.
And so I think

Speaker 1 that part is important to, you know.

Speaker 2 So women shouldn't control sex with the man they're married to? No.

Speaker 2 You shouldn't manipulate them or say, I'm not giving it to you, or not now.

Speaker 1 No, I don't think so. Why?

Speaker 2 What happens when that happens?

Speaker 1 Because you're falling into the trap of control, as in anything else in life.

Speaker 2 That's not love.

Speaker 1 That's not love.

Speaker 1 You are

Speaker 1 saying, I have this thing that you want, so therefore I'm above you right now and you're here.

Speaker 1 And so unless you do this and this and this and that, I'll do this.

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 And that's going to make the man resentful.

Speaker 2 Exhausting.

Speaker 1 It's going to be exhausting. And you are not realizing this, but you are making yourself a thing.

Speaker 2 How so?

Speaker 1 How so? But you're saying, this is a thing.

Speaker 2 This is what you value, and you're not going to give me anything.

Speaker 1 Yes, this is what I'm going to put my value into as a woman. It's going to be my body.
So then, therefore, that's the value. And so there you go.

Speaker 1 You're only going to have it when I want to, how I want to. Great.
It's fantastic. You look great right now.
What's going to happen when you're 60, 70?

Speaker 1 Are you really, you are going to be continuing to make the effort of put your value on the physical aspect of you? You're not building for the long term.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 1 This is why I think it's like.

Speaker 2 It's also you, when you

Speaker 2 when you make

Speaker 2 a sacrament of matrimony, if you're getting married, I guess maybe if you're not in a relationship, but if you're getting married,

Speaker 2 and you're saying, I'm choosing to only be with you and to be

Speaker 2 sacred with you, and someone says, no, you can't have it for a week or weeks or months or whatever, like,

Speaker 2 what do you think is going to happen? Someone's going to be able to... It's going to break the relationship.
It's going to break the relationship, but it's like, if you're forcing someone.

Speaker 2 Now, if there's something medical or something else that's happening oh yes then it's different but i'm talking about if you're having power and control over the person and saying no you can't have this right now until you do this or this or whatever

Speaker 2 um unless you've broken trust in some way like and the person really needs time to heal that's different but if it's just like you're not listening to me you're not going to get this some petty thing

Speaker 1 i mean if it's sometimes it doesn't come that way sometimes it comes in like i'm tired yeah exactly the kids are so much

Speaker 2 this and this and and that.

Speaker 1 But you're building a gap.

Speaker 2 You're building a gap and you're,

Speaker 2 you know, it doesn't matter how disciplined the partner is you're with, you spend six months doing that, a year doing that, they're starting to be like, man, their mind's got to wander, you know, no matter how disciplined they are.

Speaker 2 It doesn't mean they're going to cheat, but you're not setting your relationship up for success.

Speaker 2 You're setting it up for more of an ability for someone else to get in or distractions or whatever it might be.

Speaker 2 And so you just got to be mindful of that. You've got to be really mindful, I think.
Otherwise, or just communicate.

Speaker 2 Hey, I'm not really feeling right now and something's going on in my body and I just need like a couple weeks or whatever it is. I was just going to say communicating it.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Hey, I'm going through stuff right now, but there's other ways we can be intimate. Like, I don't want us to lose the intimacy.

Speaker 1 Other ways to be intimate. And the thing is that it is true sometimes.
All of the things that I just mentioned, I'm tired, the kids, and all that. We don't have kids yet, but I know.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 You can be exhausted at certain times.

Speaker 2 It's not those things.

Speaker 1 But when the gap is too much.

Speaker 2 When it's manipulation, though, it's more like power.

Speaker 1 When it's manipulation,

Speaker 1 or when it's too much,

Speaker 1 that gap is actually too much.

Speaker 1 And then it becomes a little bit dangerous because

Speaker 1 also

Speaker 2 I think,

Speaker 1 like I said,

Speaker 1 When you when like you said, also when you're creating this covenant of marriage, you are committing yourself to that person.

Speaker 2 You are. You are.
Otherwise, don't get married.

Speaker 1 Exactly. You're committing to that person.
But if that person is not fulfilling their vows,

Speaker 1 because being intimate with each other is part of fulfilling the vows.

Speaker 1 When that person is not fulfilling their vows, I think it leads to a conversation with a therapist, with a priest, with somebody that can guide you to that.

Speaker 1 You know, there's something deeper happening in there that we don't know what it is because we don't, we don't, you know.

Speaker 2 And that's why I go back to, you know,

Speaker 2 the beginning of like knowing that we both had a growth mindset or a reflective mindset. It's like, hey, I'm willing to look at myself in the mirror if something's off and say, how can I improve?

Speaker 2 Or how can I take a look at this and see things differently and find that adjustment to make sure our relationship's working.

Speaker 2 And that made me feel safe knowing you were in the same position, that we are both in this position.

Speaker 2 So it's like when stuff stuff comes up like that, it's really having the conversation and learning how to manage the conflict with like calm resolution and then create agreements around it.

Speaker 2 Yes, and it might be seasonal. So, it's

Speaker 2 yeah, intimacy, married intimacy is a big one. There's two final things that we went through with this process.
Yes,

Speaker 2 and after we share these two final things, I'm going to share both of these big

Speaker 2 announcements, these surprises. So,

Speaker 2 stay tuned for that in a moment.

Speaker 2 Um, But the next one was dreams, goals, and decision-making. Yes.
And it's talking about, you know, how to

Speaker 2 communicate, get clear, and be in alignment on each other's dreams, goals, and decision-making.

Speaker 2 Because when you're getting married, you know, there's two individuals with their own either careers, goals, dreams, things they've overcome, and

Speaker 2 the visions they have for the future.

Speaker 2 And when two come together to create a unity, a family, it's, I communicated early on about like, this is my dreams, this is my goal, this is the season of life I'm in right now.

Speaker 2 And I don't know if this is going to be 10 years, 20 years, two years, I don't know, but this is where I'm heading.

Speaker 2 And I want to make sure you're cool with that, meaning the lifestyle I have, which sometimes I'm traveling a lot, sometimes I'm speaking on stage, sometimes there's a lot of people around, sometimes I'm interviewing people, sometimes I'm not, sometimes whatever.

Speaker 1 Like sometimes you're writing, sometimes you're

Speaker 1 your dream that you have right now.

Speaker 2 Exactly. It's fantastic.
Exactly. You know, it's like, I've got a plan to go to the Olympics in the future.
And that's going to take me traveling a lot. It's like.

Speaker 1 And it's going to take us traveling together and supporting that dream.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. Is that something you're something in your alignment? And I also know that you make movies.
You usually make two or three movies a year. That's between eight to 10 weeks at a time.

Speaker 2 You're going to be traveling. It's like, am I cool with that? Am I cool with either not seeing you for a couple weeks at a time?

Speaker 2 Because I'm going to need to be present here, traveling back and forth, vice versa. Is that a lifestyle that I'm cool with?

Speaker 2 Because if it's not, and it's a big no-no, and I never want to travel, and you're always traveling, then that lifestyle conflict, that dream and goal conflict is going to create a conflictive relationship.

Speaker 1 And also the decision, the decision-making, I think is important because another thing that I think is beautiful that

Speaker 1 we do and we started implementing is

Speaker 1 what your dreams are, they are also my dreams.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 What my dreams are, they're also your dreams. It's like we, I mean, obviously we're two individuals and you have your dreams of, you know, playing handball and, you know, doing all these things.

Speaker 1 And I have my own dreams. But what happens is when we're sharing them with each other, because we are together choosing each other as husband and wife.

Speaker 2 They are our dreams.

Speaker 1 They become our dreams and then we discuss them like i remember this time this was a long time ago but i had i was gonna go for a project that was gonna shoot in south africa and i was really close in the audition process yes really

Speaker 1 i just don't want to say the project because like but i'll tell you after a while and i didn't remember south africa okay yeah because at the time we didn't know it was going to shoot in south africa but potentially it was going to be either australia or south some someplace far away yeah and

Speaker 1 I remember we had a conversation about it. It would have taken me nine months, between eight to nine months, to shoot that thing there.

Speaker 1 And I called my manager and I said, I know they're between me and another girl. I don't want to take it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 we discussed this, like, does it work for our life and the way we are setting up our foundation? And to me, it was... worth not doing it.

Speaker 2 It wasn't a big enough dream project. It wasn't like this is the project I've always wanted to do.

Speaker 1 But even if it was, that's the thing. When you make a decision, that's the decision we make together.

Speaker 1 So there's no point later into turning around saying, remember that thing that I let go because of that.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 We made the decision together, and it was a good decision. I was a piece.

Speaker 2 You were a piece with it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You weren't like, I really want to do this, but I have to sacrifice for this. No.
You were like, it's okay if I don't. Because you also had lots of options.

Speaker 2 You have this other project and this other movie.

Speaker 1 And the movies I produce myself, but I can choose the schedule when I'm doing it.

Speaker 2 Maybe if it was eight eight weeks, it would have been different. But nine months, you're like, oh, that doesn't make sense.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's coming up with the decision-making and, again, agreements around that.

Speaker 1 And with your dreams. Absolutely.
You came back from the Olympics and said, hey, listen.

Speaker 2 Hey, I want to go to the Olympics.

Speaker 1 I want to go to the Olympics.

Speaker 2 And you also knew

Speaker 2 that I always wanted to go. Yes.
So it was like, you knew that I'm going to do stuff like this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is, by the way, the beauty of sharing life together. Who am I to say, no, you can't.
Wait a second, but we have, you know, this and this. Right.
No,

Speaker 1 this is why we're choosing to be together from our freedom,

Speaker 1 from our freedom. So it's like you are excited about this dream.
I'm excited about that dream. Is it going to take us to Spain and going somewhere? Okay, we'll go.
That's what we're doing.

Speaker 1 That's what we are doing. Yes.
You know, so that part I think it's

Speaker 1 obviously where we have only been married for three months, but we've been using it for all the time and all the years we've been in our relationship.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 1 And I think it's important foundation.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 The last thing is about spirituality and kind of bringing it home. So they started with, again, a candle ceremony and kind of setting the stage for the weekend.

Speaker 2 And then we went through all these different exercises. role-playing.
They did breakout sessions with small groups so we could say, oh, why do you think that way? And why do you think that way?

Speaker 2 And kind of get these different couples' opinions as well, which I thought was interesting.

Speaker 2 yeah we did a lot of games where it's like we sat back to back and it was like raise your hand if you think this way and raise your hand if you think this way and it was like raise your hand if you know um your significant other has that raise your hand if you know that it was interesting to see also other couples other people that didn't know their stuff yet yeah and so all these kind of exercises and games and role-playing really allowed you to get to know your partner more

Speaker 2 who you're engaged with about to get married to that's why i think it's important to do stuff like this before engagement. Yes.

Speaker 2 Because if your chemicals of love are saying, this is the woman I want to be with, the man of my dreams, because we've had whatever, fun vacations together and he makes me feel good or she makes me feel great.

Speaker 2 And you don't do a lot of this stuff, you're just going to be heartbroken when you're married because you're going to have such a high expectation that they can never meet.

Speaker 2 And you're going to feel frustration after frustration after resentment after resentment. And one day you're going to wake up looking at the person saying, Why did I fall in love with this person?

Speaker 2 Why do I love this person? Because you haven't chosen to understand everything about them, or at least 80, 90%. Yeah.
And say, do I accept all of them? Do I accept all of them?

Speaker 2 And can I love all the parts of them, not just the part of the fantasy world, you know, the romance.

Speaker 1 Or when they're happy. Can I accept this person also when they're frustrated? Yeah, exactly.
Well, they do these things when they're frustrated.

Speaker 2 Well, this is who they are. Can you accept it? Can you accept that? It doesn't mean you have to love it or like it, but can you accept it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So the spirituality part was kind of like bring it all home. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 And the spirituality part also was about how to raise children. Was it? In spirituality.
Meaning, like, because that's a big,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 I have certain friends that are dating somebody from a completely different faith.

Speaker 1 Well, that's a conversation.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, because if they're really hardcore that faith, which is good, then, but if they're it's completely different from yours,

Speaker 1 how are you going to raise kids? 100%. Come to those agreements.

Speaker 2 Like, talk about it.

Speaker 1 If it's not as important for you, but still talk about how you're going to raise children.

Speaker 2 Right. That's right.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 And a lot of it was spirituality in the home. How's your relationship going to be with spirituality? Raising kids with spirituality, all those things.
Yeah. Which brings me to the first

Speaker 2 surprise. Would you like to share?

Speaker 1 The first surprise? The first two. I don't know which one's the second one.

Speaker 2 Just say the first one. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'll say the second one. You go ahead.

Speaker 1 Okay. So

Speaker 1 I'm pregnant.

Speaker 2 Ah,

Speaker 2 yay.

Speaker 1 We are having a family together.

Speaker 2 A bigger family together. Yes.
So that's the big, the big announcement. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We made you guys wait a couple hours to hear it, but you're pregnant, and maybe we'll talk more about it later in another episode, but that's just something we wanted to share with people here.

Speaker 2 I mean, at this point, we've already probably posted about it online, but we've been, you know, quiet about it for a few months. So, uh, it's a big surprise.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's not a surprise, we were planning this, but it's a surprise to people

Speaker 2 emotional, yeah, it's beautiful, it's beautiful.

Speaker 2 So, that's the um, that's the surprise that I was sharing before. And this

Speaker 2 was the first one, it's a good surprise, great surprise, yes, it's a good surprise that we're sharing for. I mean, it's not a surprise for us, exactly, it's a good announcement, yes.

Speaker 2 And I think all of this that we went through, this pre-marriage counseling, this whole process, although it takes time, it takes energy, it takes patience, it takes frustrating conversations to work through them.

Speaker 2 It's not like this fun, oh, we're going on the beach this weekend. It's like, oh, you're going in, you're diving in, you're having conversations about stuff that's messier.

Speaker 2 Although it is all those things, it created such a great foundation for us to get married the way we got married. Yes.

Speaker 2 And for you to get pregnant and to feel like there's safety, there's like peace, there's harmony, there's agreements when there's challenges. You know, we know how to resolve conflict.

Speaker 2 So we're not living in like this stressful chaos. It's like we've done a lot of the work, we've come together.
And again, we're not speaking from a place of like

Speaker 2 we're married for 20 years and we figured this process out. No, no.
It's more of.

Speaker 2 We feel like we've had to learn through challenges and adversity and a lot of ups for the first few years of like how to set a foundation and create a process that works for both of us to come together to get married.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 And this is what works for us. I wanted to ask you something.
Yes.

Speaker 2 How do you feel?

Speaker 1 I feel very good about becoming a parent.

Speaker 2 I feel good. Again, I told you yesterday, I was like, it hasn't really hit me yet.
I mean, it's hit me, but I don't think it's going to hit me until like I see your belly like really big and

Speaker 2 probably like the day it happens, then I'm going to be like, holy, this is really happening. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I'm excited, but I'm more in mode of like I gotta get more done I gotta get ahead I gotta plan I gotta like produce create provide I'm more in like all right let's go you know I'm like thinking ahead of the future and

Speaker 2 so it's it's very exciting but I'm also

Speaker 2 you know it's not in my body so it's more I'm like I'll never know what that feels like

Speaker 2 I mean, I've been feeling it at different moments, but I didn't feel the marriage until like really like the day before or something, you know, and I was like, oh, this is happening. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Even the day of, I was like playing pickleball in Mexico. And I was like, oh, I guess I'm getting married tonight.

Speaker 2 But it was that evening, the church wedding, those were all like, oh, the day of, okay, this is happening. But no, I'm feeling it.
I'm feeling excited, but it, I'm just not physically feeling it.

Speaker 2 No, well, obviously, you're not physically feeling. I'm feeling it.

Speaker 2 So I'm not, I'm not feeling the range of like emotions and hormones and all these things that you feel every moment, but I'm excited. Yes.
But it's, we still have time. We still have time.

Speaker 2 So I got to prepare my mind. I got to get my resources together and get ready.
So that's where I'm at. But

Speaker 2 that's the announcement and the surprise.

Speaker 1 Our family is expanding.

Speaker 2 It's expanding. You're an amazing wife.

Speaker 1 I love you. You're an amazing husband.

Speaker 2 We've got so many things we could talk about in future episodes on like, you know, the prenum situation, why it was important for you to change your last name, like all these things to create a stronger foundation and a stronger unity for us that works for us.

Speaker 2 And so whatever you guys want to hear about next, let us know in the comments below let us know what you enjoyed most from this conversation again i feel like we just scratched the surface we're almost two hours in for one episode okay and um i think this is a good place to start there was a lot of additional topics and reflection that we also went through which is around like your family my family our family planning for kids living together there's like so much around like moving in and living together that most people don't understand

Speaker 2 um agreements disagreements all these different things.

Speaker 2 But this was a good start, I think, for people. And it was a great start for us before getting married because, again, it just made us feel, it made me feel more at peace.

Speaker 2 And I think I always had fear around marriage growing up because I just didn't feel like I had a good model of it. You had a great model with your parents.
They're incredible.

Speaker 2 They're still together 40 years later married and they're happy. And so for me, it was like I really needed to feel at peace and safety.

Speaker 2 I needed to feel like someone wasn't going to sweep the rug underneath me and like say, oh, I say I love and accept you. And then we're married.
And now change this, do this. I don't like this.

Speaker 2 Blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, I'm not living that life, you know, because I've lived it too many times.

Speaker 2 So for me, having someone who's growth-minded, someone who's...

Speaker 2 got a regulated nervous system and that knows how to manage their their emotions was big for me and it's something you have that you do beautifully and so i'm very grateful my best not every day i'm like but most of the time.

Speaker 2 Most of the time, but it's all right. I'm not either.

Speaker 2 But I appreciate you. I'm grateful for you.
I love you. I'm excited for our life.

Speaker 2 I'm grateful that we got married, that we're having a family. Yes.

Speaker 2 And hopefully

Speaker 2 this conversation is helpful for people. Yes.
You know, hopefully it is. Again, we don't have all the answers.
We're not experts at marriage.

Speaker 1 And also, this is what works for us. That doesn't mean it's going to work for everybody else.
But I feel like,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 together, being together, but also like, I,

Speaker 1 you led us in this beautiful path of how we're gonna set up the foundation.

Speaker 1 Because a lot of the things that we did were your ideas that you wanted to bring to the table. Things that I fantasized about doing, you know,

Speaker 1 back in the day with whomever was going to be my husband, but I never thought, oh, I'm going to meet a man that he's going to want to do this work

Speaker 1 on his own, which I was really happy about, like, including the first time we went to mass together, it's because it was your idea. You said, Hey, let's go to church.

Speaker 2 I was like, Oh my god. And I've never been to Mass and never been to a Catholic church, but I knew you were raised that way.
So, I wanted to

Speaker 2 explore it for you and say, Okay, if this is meaningful for you, I'm willing to try it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it doesn't mean I'm gonna commit to this forever, but I'm willing to explore and try things and see what it feels like.

Speaker 1 And I think it's a combination also because you know, you we do this with each other.

Speaker 1 If I see things that you're doing that bring you joy and peace i'm like not only go for it but also oh i'd like to try that too yeah yeah exactly it's like because we see that the outcome of these things is more joy more peace more fun more you know curiosity about life and exploring and like and and more of setting up a foundation absolutely yeah yeah I love you.

Speaker 2 I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for you.
Grateful for you. I appreciate you.
You're amazing.

Speaker 2 Your amazing wife.

Speaker 2 If you guys enjoyed this share below what you want to hear more of make sure to subscribe to martha's channel as well infinitos on youtube follow her on instagram it's still your former name martha igodeda but in the future we'll start switching those things around but

Speaker 2 um but check her out follow her if you want us to do more of this let us know this was this was fun this is the first time in like a year and a half almost yes because people loved the last episode we did the last two episodes we did yeah and i feel like we've learned so much in the last year and a half from this process going through all these books and workbooks and workshops and relationship mentors so i think we

Speaker 1 both experienced in the past similar relationships that brought us to you know we we're both not to say anything about you know the people we're with because we chose them but so many people are there outside that are in a very codependent relationship.

Speaker 1 So like if you want us to share how was it for us, how to, you know, not not break from that, but like inside of you, how to break free inside of you from those things in order to find

Speaker 1 and build together a healthier love.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. And I think that, you know,

Speaker 1 that would be really fun to share.

Speaker 2 Let's do it. You guys want more? Let us know.
Damno, I love you. You're amazing.

Speaker 2 I love you.

Speaker 1 I love you so much.

Speaker 2 I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy.

Speaker 2 And if you are looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy.

Speaker 2 I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

Speaker 2 Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.

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