Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Love doesn't exist.

Literally.

Love is a verb.

So if I want to know how much love you have, then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me.

A Mexican actress, writer, and producer.

Best known for her role on Netflix's Altered Carbon.

This is a woman who has captured my heart, who has fully loved and accepted me for who I am as a human being.

Please welcome Martha Howes.

When you're struggling with something about the person you're with, over and over and over again, it's because underneath that you wish they would change that.

That's the person with.

And

either accept her or don't be with her.

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Why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationships for married couples?

I did this pilgrimage and I was having a really beautiful conversation with a priest and he said the number one advice beats people.

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How does it feel to have your last name as house?

Amazing.

Feels good?

Yes.

Does it feel like powerful and let's go?

Yeah, we're united.

We're united.

Yes.

We're a family.

We are a family.

Yes.

And this whole episode is going to be breaking down how we prepared for marriage.

Yes.

The process we went through, all the different steps.

It was a lot.

It was a lot of different steps.

A lot of different steps, but it was...

For me, it was like, I wish everyone went through a similar process

before getting married, really before getting engaged engaged and then getting married.

And the last time we had an episode of you on was when I proposed to you at Summit of Greatness.

Yes, it was.

That was the last episode.

It was about a year and a half ago.

Uh-huh.

And it was on stage at Summit of Greatness.

We had an amazing interview.

Yeah.

And I had a ring in my pocket.

I didn't know.

This is the crazy thing is that it was, it was, you told me like, oh, you're going to be on stage with me.

I'm going to ask you some questions.

And I thought,

what about?

i was like do you want to was it like it was like two three days before it was like a week before right it was like a week before yeah like suddenly i like i think i heard about it from sara first yeah i was like wow am i gonna be yeah you're gonna be one of the you know speakers speakers i was like okay great i was like oh don't worry about i'll just ask you we'll do an interview i'll ask you some questions and it'll be fun yeah but then i'm you know how i am i'm very studious so i like to prepare you all so i was like love what like what do you want us to talk about what is this going to be about you know yes and she were like ah, you know, I don't know.

Just ask you questions and then you'll respond to the questions.

Relationship stuff.

But you came prepared with like notes, note cards.

You had like incredible answers.

I don't even know what I was going to ask you, but you had the answers prepared.

Yeah.

And at the end, I stood up and I was like, everyone, give Martha a round of applause.

We stood up and I was like, okay, you can go off.

And then I pulled you back.

And I was like, oh, wait, I have one more question.

One question I've never been able to ask anyone.

Yes.

And I got on a knee and asked you, Mary.

It's like the loudest scream ever.

I did have one

final question that I want to ask.

And I actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years in my podcast.

I wanted to ask you, I was curious.

But that was like the beginning of once you get in once we got engaged,

we didn't get married for another year and three, four months.

Uh-huh.

Right.

Yes.

Today of this filming, not when it goes out, but the day today that we're filming, we've been married three months as of today.

Yes.

And oh, well, by the way, at the end of this episode, we have two big surprises we're going to share with people.

We do?

We have two big surprises.

This is the way you're going to be.

So we're going to have two big surprises at the end.

The two surprises are also for me because you don't tell me.

You know what we're talking about.

We have two big surprises at the end of this episode.

So get ready for that.

I just saw one.

I don't know the second one.

Okay.

Well, we'll see.

See, maybe I'll share both.

Okay.

But this is, we got married at the church, not even a mile from here.

Yes.

Three months ago today.

Then we got married in Mexico a week later, had friends, family come.

It was amazing.

But it was, it was amazing.

And, but it was a year and like, whatever, three months of us being engaged, also living together, and going through a process of, okay, what do we really want?

What does our true alignment look like?

What are our values?

We've talked about all these things, but now it's like stepping into marriage.

What does this look like?

Yes.

And it was a process.

There were things I wanted to do.

There were things you wanted to do.

Some of it felt like a lot of work.

It felt like, oh man, this is like going back to school.

We read tons of books together.

We went through workbooks.

We went through workshops.

workshops.

And I think they were all necessary.

We went to therapy together.

Like we did all these things,

not because something was wrong or that we feel like we needed to fix something, but more to build a strong foundation.

And everything we were talking about for the whole year was like, how do we strengthen and deepen our foundation?

Because we know.

from experience of talking to a lot of successful married couples, we know that life throws adversity and challenges at everyone.

Yes.

Individuals, couples, married people, whatever.

And the goal for us was how do we set ourselves up for success being married, knowing that there's going to be challenge, adversity, stress that comes our way, individually, as couples, whatever it might be.

Knowing that we're not going to have some perfect marriage, knowing that it's going to be seasons of high and seasons of challenge to overcome, all these different things.

So how do we stay together in strong unity, even when

something is really great or there's a challenge facing our way?

And that's really what it was.

It was like, how do we set this up so that we have a language we can speak and understand, values, agreements.

And agreements was like one of the biggest things.

But we went through a

We went through a number of books that we'll talk about in another episode.

But one of the things we went through, which was marriage preparation program for engaged couples,

that really set us up for success.

It was an amazing experience because it's something that we did through the Catholic Church.

And other people that we know who have taken this workshop, they say, you know, you don't need to be a Catholic to take it.

This is something that you really...

It'd be very good if you can take it.

Because of all the subjects that we were discussing, and there's other couples there, so you get to hear, you know, also

what are the insights as well.

And it's giving, the whole workshop is given by a you know a couple who has been married for at least 40 years yeah I think they were together for like 30 something years 30 something 38 like something like that first to 40 years and they struggled for like the first 15 years yes because they didn't go through this yes exactly and then they started to go through this program and they have a lot more joy in their life a lot more love a lot more joy the wife she was really funny she was like you know i want i thought i was going to get divorced after like 15 years it was just constant was like a constant battle.

There was like, we were just always in friction, you know, and then we'd have like a good weekend and then two, three weeks of stress and fighting and arguments.

And she said, after 15 years, it was just like, I think I'm done.

I can't deal with this anymore.

It's too much stress.

He doesn't understand me.

I don't understand him.

We are butting heads.

What's the point of being in this stressful, complicated marriage where we don't see eye to eye?

We don't speak the same language.

We don't have the same values.

We don't have the agreements.

And she said that she,

a friend of hers was like, why don't you come to church?

Come with me.

And something spoke to her when she went to church.

So what was happening with her is that

she explained this to us, but this can happen to a lot of, you know, a lot of us women, that in order to keep safety in the relationship, you can start having a controlling personality,

which is what she was.

She's trying to control everything about him.

Everything.

Where are you going?

Don't go hang out with your friends.

You need to be here.

What are you doing with the kids?

Stop doing this.

Start doing this.

She was like...

She started to become the mom

of the husband as opposed to the wife, the partner, the lover.

And so, no.

And so, so he was feeling like he couldn't do anything, otherwise, she'd be upset.

And she wanted to take the lead in the relationship and say, what are we going to do?

What job position are you going to take?

Where are we going to live?

What's going to happen?

All of the decisions she wanted to take.

But also at the same time, she wanted to feel feminine.

But she felt she was having to carry the relationship on her own.

So then a friend of hers invited her to go to church and she went to church and she started going like,

I need to let go of control.

Yes.

I need to let go of control and give it to God and just not, it's not up to me.

Otherwise, I'm going to drown.

Why do you think so many women try to take control in their relationship, whether they're dating, engaged, or married?

Why are so many women in that position of being in control rather than allowing their partner, their man, to lead the vision?

I think personally, I think it goes from way back when that woman was a little girl.

Whatever it is that as we are growing up,

whatever place that makes us feel unsafe, in this place

is a protective mechanism.

That's what I really think it is.

That when

you feel insecure about certain things,

you want to know what your man is doing

every single time, at every single moment.

Like, literally.

Like, what is he doing 24-7?

It's not because you are trying to think you're being controlling.

It's because you are trying to build safety.

for you.

Because something must have happened to you way back when, when you were little, something must have happened maybe perhaps with your mom or with your dad that you never felt that you can rely on that person.

So if your dad left or if your dad was intermittent, sometimes he'd be there, sometimes he wouldn't be there for you or your mom, you start feeling like, okay, this is the way love is.

So when you grow up, you think, okay, if I can have control and I can know what this person is doing 24-7,

then I'll be safe.

Then I know for sure he loves me.

It comes from that.

It also happens to men too.

It's not necessarily just for a woman, but yeah.

But why get into a relationship if you have to always be obsessive about what the partner is doing all day long or making sure that you're in control of what they're doing so you can feel safe?

Why even get in a relationship?

Because everybody wants to be loved.

And so they have a different version of what love means for them.

And

I think so,

you know,

it's good to be with a person that you're sharing your life with.

It's just that not all the time we are taught what is the healthy love versus the codependency or the controlling, you know, all of that is part of the codependency.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think from the beginning, we both made it clear to each other, you know, of like meeting each other that I was like.

This is my life and this is the vision I have and this is what I want to create in my life in a relationship and you were sharing the same thing and we were like, this is what we've both been through in the past that we don't want to live like anymore we both wanted to feel accepted for who we are accepted for our dreams our goals accepted for our our lifestyle personality yeah our personality right yeah we're not trying to change the other person or say i don't like that quit doing that yes um and really creating a sense of acceptance rather than control i think control is a lack of acceptance it's like okay i don't like what you're doing here so do this so i can feel safe as opposed to i accept what you're creating.

If there's something that feels off, can we have a conscious conversation where we're creating safety together?

Yeah, but not a sense of stop doing that.

Don't do this.

Don't do this.

And then it becomes like unsexy.

Yeah.

In reality.

If you start controlling your man,

or the man even the woman, but if you could, if you start controlling the man all the time, telling him what to do, what not to do, I didn't like this.

I like this.

You start becoming the parent.

Like, you know, the morning, you try to remind me, hey, take your supplements, right?

There's certain reminders you'll do.

That's nerfing.

And there's certain things where I'm like, hey, don't lift this heavy thing right now or whatever.

Or don't do this thing.

Why don't you take a rest and take a nap?

Or, you know, it's like a reminder, you know.

So there's a balance, I think, of like,

you say, I daddy you sometimes.

It's like, I'm like,

hey, stop doing that.

Yes.

Or when I go shopping, you go, oh, you don't need that.

That's true.

Yeah.

Sometimes.

But it's like, you know, my dad does it.

My brother does it to his wife.

Like, it's like I was talking to my mom about it and she was like, listen, that

as a male personality, they have the feeling and the

protector and it's leadership.

This is how my mom, you know, raised, you know, the female in our family.

But she said, a man's nature is going to want to lead and protect and they're going to want to do this.

So sometimes they're going to tell you.

Sometimes, hey, don't do this.

I don't think you should buy this.

I don't think you should get this.

Exactly.

And so the mom says, listen, you have have two choices you go oh okay i won't buy it but if you really want the thing just go ahead and like do it you know like you like just it's okay except because this is the part

she was telling me uh your dad will never change that we've been together for 43 years of marriage and literally she said Your dad will continue to tell me when I go shopping, you don't need this.

You already have something similar at home.

So she says, you know what I do?

I know he is that way.

I accept the way he is.

And I just buy the thing if I need it.

Yeah.

Instead of trying to tell him, hey, don't tell me this every single time you tell me, he's going to continue to tell you that all of his life because this is his way to, maybe he's trying to protect the budget.

You know, that's another thing.

Or maybe just whatever.

And it was an interesting conversation because I was like, if I, if I, if I turn this around and I say to Louis, every time he wants to buy anything, don't buy this, don't do this.

He's going to feel I'm being controlled.

Don't tell me what to do.

Right.

Exactly.

Don't tell me what to do.

Yeah, yeah.

So, in my opinion, you say it in a loving way.

Yeah.

If you're like, hey, do you think we need this right now?

Or, hey, I think I already know that you have something like this.

Are you sure you want to buy it?

I'm just reminding you.

Yeah.

Then I'd be like, oh, yeah, okay.

But if you're like, don't do this, I'll be like, don't tell me what to do.

Yeah, you already have this thing.

You're a grown man.

Exactly.

Exactly.

But anyway, you don't speak like that to me.

You don't speak to me.

I don't.

I don't.

No.

And again, the intention for this conversation and episode is to share with people all the things that we did leading up into marriage.

Again, we are three months married.

We're not here to say how to have a great marriage.

We, you know, we're new at this, but we're new.

So there's no way that we can speak from that experience, but we can speak from the experience from being dating to getting engaged to getting married and what has worked for us.

And I think that's what I want us really communicate with anyone watching or listening.

And we probably do

because we both had previous experiences and relationships that were painful or challenging or didn't feel right.

Yeah.

Both Martha and I, before we met each other, were doing individual therapy.

So we were both already in a growth journey, a healing journey, a growth mindset.

And we were both open to explore, reflecting on ourselves and saying, oh, where did I make a mistake?

Where did I not create a boundary?

How could I have shown up better for me?

How could I have been better in my previous relationships?

Whatever it might have been,

to see how we didn't, because we didn't want to repeat the same pattern.

So we both were doing that healing journey

before we met each other.

And then when we got started dating, I put it out there to you and I said, I don't want to get committed unless you're willing to do couples therapy at the beginning.

And you said, I'd love to.

Oh, yeah.

It was a little bit more loose than that.

You were very,

have you ever thought about doing therapy at the beginning of a relationship as opposed to like when there's a lot of troubles and struggles towards the end?

I was like, yes, I've always thought that's a great idea too.

Then you said, you know, I would love to do that because I feel like I couldn't get committed to you if we don't have to do that.

Unless you were open to doing that.

Yes, exactly.

And I was like, I'm totally open to doing that because I've always kind of wanted it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So for me, that was a big, I think just doing that before getting engaged, knowing that I had a partner willing to grow with me.

It doesn't mean you have to do therapy with your partner because someone may not be ready for that.

Yeah.

But they've got to be ready to do some type of reflection or some type of work.

Otherwise, you're going to be with a partner with a fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset.

So it doesn't mean they have to do every workshop that you want to do.

It doesn't mean they have to go to therapy right away.

It doesn't mean that.

But I think they've got to be willing to look at themselves, be willing to have uncomfortable conversations with you then and see how

we can grow together.

And even how do you react to the uncomfortable conversations, you know, like that's another thing because you can meet somebody and and that people can say just the right things that you feel like, oh my God, this person's amazing.

They're telling me exactly what I wish to hear.

They've read the books, though they've memorized the books and then they're telling me all the lingo that I love hearing.

But their behavior, if it doesn't match it.

Yeah, exactly.

So for me, it's the actions.

are speaking louder than any words you'll tell me.

Maybe you've never gone to therapy.

Maybe you've never read any books.

But if you are integrous, kind, loving, you show up, like in the way you show up.

Um, to me, it's like

that's even more important, you know, because a lot of people can go to therapy.

But we have the podcast, we have the books, we have all these things, and you, but then when you exercise them, when you're actually being what you're saying, um, I was reading this thing the other day from my therapist that um she was talking about love, like specifically about love.

And love is a thing that

you can't just say, you know,

love is not a word.

Like if, like, like literally, she was saying this.

Love doesn't exist.

Literally.

Love is a verb.

It's something you practice.

So if I want to know how much love you have,

then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me.

Well, in this case, because we're a partnership, right?

And towards people, by the way.

How much love you are.

And so you are loving, you are kind, you're respectful, you're thoughtful, you engage in the conversation,

you want to, that's how you love.

You're touchy,

all these different things.

So love is, in that respect, it doesn't exist.

Then it's a thing that is just floating out here.

You know, the concept of love is a thing that you see in the movies, in TV shows, it's floating.

But when you say, you know what, what is really love?

Love is a verb that translates into actions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly.

It's a good thing I took a lot of action.

You did.

You do.

And you continue to do.

Of course.

Yes.

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So there are a lot of things that we did that, again, not everyone has to do before getting engaged or married, but there are a lot of things that we did.

We did therapy together.

We did workshops together.

We did work books together.

We read books together.

We meditated together.

We prayed together.

We went to church together.

And we had relationship mentorship conversations.

So we did did lots of different things around relationships i'm not saying everyone has to do all those things or all at once it might seem like a lot of work but also by the way it was a lot of fun it was there were some moments that were rough there were fun most of the time yes most sometimes i'm like a deep uh growth mindset person yeah and i'm in this work constantly

But there were times where I was like, I just need a break from this.

I need to like, let's just go.

My brain feels tired.

I'm just like, I don't want to talk about this.

Let's just go have fun, right?

Yes.

But I'm glad I did a lot of this work, probably 90% of the time, because

it gives me so much peace knowing that I can fully be myself in our relationship

and that I can speak my mind and you're not going to react or scream at me or respond in some negative way.

And

I think you trust and respect me more because you've known I've done the work and the foundation of our relationship.

And so I feel like you accept me and love me more because of the investment I made in shared growth, in shared conversations, and in doing that work early on.

And my whole vision and goal is to create that we created the foundation for ourselves so that we can just keep enjoying to have fun and live a beautiful, expansive life day after day, year after year.

And again, when there's challenge or adversity that comes.

You have the tools.

We have tools and we have also a foundation of strength of, hey, we know how to talk about this.

Yes.

And we don't need to blame each other or make the other person wrong.

It's not about the other person not being there.

It's about how do we handle the challenge or the adversity that's coming our way.

Yes.

How do we make it about the challenge, not about us?

And I think it's supported us because of how much work we did on these different things and continue to do on a weekly basis.

Do you want to share some of these?

Because I think they were.

Yeah, I want to walk through kind of like the whole process of this.

Again, the whole thing was called

Marriage Preparation Program for Engaged Couples.

Now, it doesn't mean you have to be engaged to do this.

I almost think like if you thought about doing this before engagement,

it would be better.

Yeah.

Because a lot of people get engaged and they don't have all these conversations.

Then you were engaged for what, six to 12 months or two years and you still don't have the conversations.

And you get married and you're like, oh, I didn't know this about you because we lacked the courage or the

presence or whatever to speak up and use our voice and say, this is what I really want for the vision of my life.

And so again, I almost think this is what we did something else before getting engaged.

We read a book called Eight Dates as well,

which was really powerful.

We wrote a book.

We read a book called How to Be an Adult in Relationships.

That's an amazing book.

And we'll kind of, I think in the future, we'll break down a few of these different books that were really powerful for us.

But this,

and I think maybe that was, if you go through eight dates It's kind of like a preview to what you're gonna get it's a preview.

Yeah, it's like you're just getting in the getting the water up to here.

Yeah, started this other one was really deep

So I'm just gonna walk through some of the things that we talked about and then we can break down each one of these but the first part of it which I thought was really cool

was

a candle ceremony which for a guy might seem a little weird being like okay we're gonna do this candle ceremony but I think women may be more open to that or more used to doing this.

But it's really about like, we had to have a candle, we lit the candle, and we set an intention for what we wanted to create from this experience, right?

It was like, what is our intention?

What do we want to build for this weekend workshop when we go through this?

How do we want to show up?

It was just allowing our hearts and our minds to get in alignment with a vision of

connection, communication,

honesty, and vulnerability.

It's like, how do I make sure I really speak what I feel or all my fears or concerns so that I share things

and my partner is able to share things and we can come together strongly.

Yeah.

And it was also beautiful because we said, you know, while doing the scandal ceremony, we prayed about it, meaning also we were saying, you know, it's not just the two of us in this relationship.

We're inviting and bringing God into the relationship because although these conversations are going to be, some of them are going to be a lot of fun, some of them can be hard.

So we got to remember that, you know, it's not just the two of us.

We have a higher power that's helping us through these conversations.

It's interesting because

I think this was,

I'd interviewed Liz Gilbert, I think before we went through this.

Okay.

And Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat Prey Love.

And she had gone through.

you know, different relationships in her past.

She'd been married, divorced, and then she was, you know, in another relationship a couple years ago that was extremely intense, like so intense and very like

so much chemistry and explosive, but also toxic as well, as she talked about in this episode.

And the reason why it was so intense in a lot of different ways is her partner, I think, had cancer and ended up dying when they were in relationship.

And it like broke her spirit afterwards, right?

And she realized that she was in kind of like this addictive loop, this love addiction, this kind of like love addiction of like chemicals and feelings and like, we're so connected and you get me and I get you.

And when I had her on, she was like, man, I was really in a toxic place for most of my life living from this space of just chemistry and making it happen.

And she said, one of the things when she went to like sex therapy rehab, she said, something I realized is that I never had God in my relationships.

How many relationships do you feel like you've been in in the past, like intimate relationships, whether it be like dating or sexual or

like 40?

40.

Okay.

You know, like 45 maybe?

How many of the relationships you've been in had God at the core of the center?

None.

In the future, do you feel like God will be in the relationship in some way?

If God's not in the relationship, it's not a relationship.

Wow.

You know, and I heard a prayer prayer recently in one of the 12 step rooms, and this is about every relationship, you know, not just sexual and intimate, but somebody said, Dear God, please only bring me relationships where you can be first and I can be me.

Oh, man, that's good.

God is going to have your back no matter what.

And their back.

Why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationships for married couples?

When I went to, you know, I did this pilgrimage to Majugori and I was having a really beautiful conversation with a priest.

You know, it's such a wonderful experience because you get to go through all of this and just basically like,

you know, the experience of confession is like you bring everything that is waiting on you, everything that is happening, everything.

It was a beautiful, beautiful conversation.

After that, we were just going for a walk and I'm talking to the priest and saying, you know, my fiancé and I are getting ready to get married.

Do you have any advice for us?

And he said, that's the number one advice he gives people.

Bring God into the relationship.

He said, a relationship doesn't break up.

A marriage doesn't break up due to the lacks, the lack of sex or due to the lacks, the lack of

communication.

It's like they break up due to the lack of God.

And the reason why, why he said is because when you love God,

you love your partner.

And when you love your partner, you love God.

It's like it's your way, like your partner is in this life being there for you to enjoy, to grow with, to explore life with, to have intimacy with, to have conversations, to have growth, to have family, like all these different things.

It's like expansive, a beautiful, expansive, loving experience that God has put there in front of you for you to enjoy.

So you can't say, I love

God,

but oi, I hate my husband.

Well, then you're not loving God.

You see?

Like you can't say these type of things.

You can't like if you look at your husband in the eyes, even if he's at that moment, you're like, oh my God, he's annoying me.

What is this thing?

He's just living his life.

He's being whatever he's being at that moment because you never know.

Maybe he has nothing to do about you maybe he's frustrated with something with work maybe he's you know being a little bit impatient maybe he's whatever he's living a life experience at the moment and you're sharing this life with this person

and god is there with you to give you the moment to say i love him he's just having a hard time right now

you know or he's he's or he's just being the way he is usually in these situations and that's okay i love him i accept him just as much as love gods loves me and and accepts me.

It's imitating

the love of God into the relationship.

Like this is the way I took it in and this is the way I feel with you.

You know,

I see you.

I'm like, what a gift.

What a gift to have in my life.

This man.

And you are fantastic.

98% of the time.

There's the 2% of the time that I go, but I giggle inside.

So when I'm in breakdown or I'm doing something that's frustrating you or I'm impatient or whatever it is,

or I'm like stressed out out or I'm not being, you know, present or something like that.

What do you think about or how do you handle it internally?

As opposed to being like, you're not being present, look at me, pay attention.

Or why are you so impatient right now?

Like, why can't you just be patient?

You don't react in these, you know, quick reaction ways to like strike me down if I'm not perfect 100% of the time.

No, I don't.

And so what do you think about when I'm in a breakdown moment?

Or?

Like if you're in a breakdown, it happens so rarely, but when, but.

Or if you just feel like, ah, he's just not paying attention or he's being impatient or he's distracted or whatever, you know?

I just think in my mind, I just don't make it about me.

Why would it be about me?

Well, unless it really is about me, you probably will tell me.

But in my mind, I think there must be something going on with him right now that is making him frustrated at this moment.

Or if you're frustrated because we're having a frustrating situation between the two of us, I know, for example, and it has happened very rarely, but if you if you want to leave the room at the moment, I know you're not leaving the room because you're trying to avoid the conversation that we're having.

I know you, because I know you, that you are measuring yourself.

And if you are starting to feel like you're going to get upset,

you'd rather leave

rather than me poking the bear and then suddenly,

you know, don't poke the bear.

Exactly.

But this is why it's important to do these exercises because you get to know your man.

You get to know the woman you're with.

You know, and that's part of acceptance.

Like if I, if I, like I said, it's very rarely, but when I've seen you doing like that, I just go, it's okay.

He needs his time off and that's fine.

And then, you know, sometimes, you know how they say people, they tell you, don't go to bed upset, right?

You can try.

But if you're still a little bit upset, it's okay.

Like the world's not going to end tomorrow morning.

Like, okay, whenever you have time, we'll discuss what happened yeah with a sense of humor i've i've heard that for sure i mean so many people have said that yeah i don't know because that's then you have to force yourself to stay awake when you're exhausted to try to find resolution yeah and you might be up till 6 a.m yeah no and then you're and then the next day

you can't think no you're not you can't think straight so it's like i hear that and i get that and i think it's a good thing to try if you can resolve something before 6 a.m

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Or you can do this other strategy, which is like not even black or white.

Let's boss it.

Let's hit boss.

That doesn't mean I'm not going to say, I love you.

Good night.

I'm here with you.

This is our life.

Boss it.

Let's talk about it.

It's okay.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

I think that's good.

Or even some other day, you know?

Like, I think that's good.

But for me, it's just the first thing I do.

I don't take it personally.

I think you're going through also other things in life because I know.

And then

you've got to have a little bit of a sense of humor.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Like, literally.

Like, there's little things that you do sometimes that inside of me, I'm giggling, not in a bad way, but I'm giggling because I go, I know heaven.

Right.

You know, things like that.

Okay, so that the candle ceremony was

the first part, which is kind of setting the intention.

We're going to create a space of openness, of love, of communication.

And the second part was the sacrament of matrimony.

I don't even remember this part, but do you remember what this is?

It's just basically they explained to us what it really is.

That it is what marriage is.

Marriages.

What is it?

What are they?

What is the sacrament?

What does that mean?

It means like what we were just talking about, that it's a beautiful gift that God is giving you and you are choosing to have.

Right.

It's not just like, oh, you are choosing to go into this journey together in which you know there's gonna be up and downs, there's gonna be situations, there's gonna have, you know, there's gonna be paths in which maybe you're you're gonna exercise forgiveness.

Maybe, you know, God forbids, but like something happens to one of your children.

Like there's so many things that are gonna come and you just gotta remember you're coming together at this.

You're not alone in this.

You have your wife.

You're not alone in this.

You have your husband and you both have God.

So that was that one.

The next thing we did, which I think is probably something a lot of people struggle with because they don't have these conversations.

Yes.

Is your family of origin.

And here's an example.

When people get married, well, this is an example, I guess, for both of us.

This happened for both of us.

When people get married, the, you know, your parent-in-law or sibling-in-law.

uh on both sides will say welcome to the family yes this happened to the both welcome to the family and it's all good intentions, right?

It's nothing a bad thing.

But essentially, we didn't, I didn't join your family.

You didn't join my family.

We created a new family and we both have extended family.

Yes.

And most people don't think that way.

And again, it's not.

a bad way to think about it because I think it's, oh, we're all one big happy family.

But then things get really messy at different times.

Yeah.

Because you have certain traditions from your origin of family.

I have different traditions or lack of traditions, whatever it might be.

And parent-in-laws and different extended family want you to come at certain times.

And it's like, well, this is what I've always done.

We always did this tradition, or my parents always did this.

So we have to go here.

We have to do this.

But when we create a new marriage, you create a new family.

Yes.

And we are no longer in our other family.

It doesn't mean they aren't our extended family and we didn't grow up in that family, but we have created a new family.

And therefore, we had to, it was really cool because you, we had a, like a graph that we put ourselves like individually, our parents, how many siblings they had, how many like cousins and aunts and uncles they had, and how many siblings we have, right?

It was like, what is your origin family?

And draw it out with like little stick figures and heads.

And the couple that.

that was doing the workshop with us, the husband, he had like a very small family and, or he had

a massive family.

Yeah, he filled out his entire page, kind of like me.

So, all people, his parents, he said,

and the woman was just like four people, you know, it's like, oh, and then these people died, and it was just us and my sister, and that was it.

So, then she explained to us that she struggled for a chunk of the relationship at the time.

Because she wanted more privacy, and she wanted like he wanted to ask the opinion of every single one of the members of his family before they can make a decision.

Exactly.

Because this also happens frequently, and I want to say, I'm going to speak as a Latina because this is what I know of, but I assume it also happens in other different cultures.

But when you are so close to your family of origin,

you are like glue.

You do everything

together.

Every family vacation, every Christmas, everybody.

Every birthday party, every Christmas.

And you are used to being the daughter.

or the son.

So what happens is this.

There comes the next family vacation and usually the parents decide, where are we going to go?

We're going to go here.

And then you go, you follow.

At least least if you were raised the way I was raised you follow whatever the parents yes exactly so then when you enter a committed relationship it happens more frequently than not that the person who's used to having that type of glue with the family makes a plan with their partner but then the family comes in and says no wait a second we bought tickets we're coming to visit you and you've you know this happened to me i told you about it and you're like how do i tell my mom or my dad they can't come visit me because i made these plans already with my partner.

It didn't happen.

Didn't happen with me.

With you, no.

In the past, it's something I learned.

And

if you continue to think that your family of origin is your family, then who's your husband?

Right.

Then who's your wife?

Is he just a roommate?

Like a partner?

Like, what is that person?

So it's like shifting literally all of that and saying, no, you are my family from now on like we are making our decisions together as a family and we don't have to ask and consult the other extended family for these decisions if it's okay yeah why like why do what they want to do and then the step of setting boundaries with the with the extended family how hard is that or how hard was that for you to create boundaries or is that for like latin culture or latin communities to create boundaries with parents or extended family when they get married It could be hard because, I mean, it wasn't for me

because you know my family and I did that work before I met you, but it can be hard because

you don't want to offend your mom.

You don't want to offend your dad.

And then the end boy, if they're Latinos, they do get offended, you know, like, oh, I can't believe you have to ask your fiancée if you can come to the trip because you guys had other plans.

What do you mean?

So it's like this thing.

It doesn't come from a bad place, I want to say.

Who is the guy online that we like watching his content?

Is it Mark Driscoll?

Oh, he speaks a lot.

Where he says, listen, you know, and he's like a father, and he's got kids, and I think he's got grandkids or whatever.

And so his kids have their own family.

And he's like, I understand this as a father.

It's hard to,

you know, once your daughter or your son goes and creates their own family, you're no longer in their family.

Obviously, it's your daughter.

It's your child.

It's your daughter.

It's your son.

And you're going to treat them like that.

But you also have to respect that they are now in a new family.

They have a husband or a wife, and they're creating their kids and they're creating their routines and their rituals.

He said something like, listen, you're going to make your own Christmas and Thanksgiving and holiday plans.

We're going to try to entice you and say, we're going to have a lot of cool gifts and free food.

And we're going to, you know, offer you things to come to our home as well if you want to.

But if you want to be your own thing, we have to respect that as the parents.

And that's just the natural progression of life and seasons of life.

And then, when your kids go off and get married, they're no longer your family, they're your extended family, which is the weirdest thing to think of.

It's not something I thought of before this process.

Do you know, I think it'd be worth to bring up the do you want to bring the church wedding and what happened?

Because I think for me, that was a really big test.

Oh man, yeah, it was intense.

But I think it's a beautiful test of

this conversation that we're having.

I mean, it's a good example.

But we don't.

I mean, I might look like a jerk, but I'll share it anyways.

No, no, I don't think so.

Well, I'll share it.

It's okay.

It don't matter.

Well, so what happened is Martha and I were planning.

I mean, it was a whole process of like

figuring out where we're going to get married, the planning process, like all that was

a thing in itself, planning a wedding.

But Martha really wanted to get married in the church first.

And I was like, cool, happy to do it.

Yeah.

And then we were going to get married like a week or two later, but we never figured out the date when we were going to get married.

And I want to interject for a second.

You were so amazing when we talked to the priest about this because you know how important it is for us also.

And for me, we have this relationship also with God, right?

So it was really important.

The priest did not have any availability or dates to do a formal wedding the way the church does it.

We had a wedding date in Mexico.

Yeah.

But you want to get married beforehand.

And he was like, I don't know how many open dates.

And Lewis helped me and he went, if we don't get married like this, she won't feel like we're getting married.

It will feel for her like we're like, we're not married still.

We're not married.

We're just married in Mexico.

That's not by the church, but just a ceremony with friends and family.

I was telling the priest, I was like, she's not going to feel married.

Isn't that right?

And you were like, yes.

You were like, tearing up.

And I go, what's the chance

we can make this happen any other time before we leave?

So he said,

you know, okay, we can make it happen, but it's got to be very little people because otherwise then it's an actual event.

Exactly.

So we're going to do it.

And then

he threw a date like a week.

It was today, three months ago.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, it's February 1st.

Oh, interesting.

February 1st, three months ago.

So I want to preface this by saying that.

Well, originally it was the second, and then he moved to the first.

I want to preface this by saying that in

my

previous relationship I had before,

this thing of

leaving your family of origin behind and making the other person your family was a big lesson for me.

Because you didn't do it.

I didn't do this.

I just didn't.

You weren't.

I wasn't adult enough.

That is the truth.

To know, you know what?

You are my family now.

You are the, I didn't do.

I didn't do this.

Yeah.

So I think for me, you know, God is so beautiful in the way he teaches you the lessons and he puts you little tests to see if you learned the lesson.

Yeah.

So I mean, this was a big test.

It was a big test.

Yeah.

So we we had agreed.

This is the whole thing.

We had agreed, okay, I'm happy to do the church wedding.

It's fine.

And then we'll do another one later or whatever you want to do.

I was like, whatever you want makes you happy, let's do it.

And then I said,

okay, but my family is not coming out here for this church wedding because they're all.

So we could have the other one immediately.

We had the other one a week later.

And I'm like, we already have flights, trips planned for them.

They're not going to fly for this and then fly for that.

They got lives and kids.

And it's like, they're not here in L.A.

And we needed witnesses for the church wedding.

And I said, okay, we each need two.

Right.

So we can have your parents and then we can have Matt and Kendra.

Your best friend.

Yes.

And that was the agreement.

That was the agreement.

It was like months before.

Now, fast forward to.

So I was like, were you okay with us doing a church wedding where we just have a simple ceremony, two and two, and we do do it here.

It was amazing.

You were like, yes.

And the priest said, yes, you know, it's little people.

He said, otherwise, it's going to be an event.

It was great.

Take us 30 minutes.

But Latino family and Latino behavior.

They show up.

They show up with the best intentions in the world as a surprise.

So you're the day before our wedding.

Yeah.

Everybody flies.

And mommy's like, surprise.

And there was like, yeah, flowers and cakes and presents.

By the way, it was so beautiful.

The way they set up our house with all these different things it we you just it's amazing but it was like that it was like at five o'clock at night i come back and i see like your whole family at our house like taking over and i'm like

i'm like they didn't are they coming to the wedding tomorrow or like what's that

and i had a conversation so i was just more like the stress was more of like i'm glad they're here

but no one from my family is here exactly and so i was feeling like oh shoot i feel really bad that your whole family is here to witness this and no one from my family is gonna be here

and so i literally text my mom and call her.

I said, Mom, any chance you want to come tomorrow, I'll fly you out here in the morning.

It was my first thought.

She was like, It was like midnight.

She was like, I'm exhausted.

Like, thank you for inviting me, but no.

And it was never our intention to invite our families because we invited them for the main kind of big ceremony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, I was like grappling with this all night.

And then the wedding, the church was, the wedding was like noon, right?

It was like noon the next day, or one or three.

2 p.m.

3 p.m.

I get up, I like try to go to the gym and try to get like clear my mind.

And I'm also thinking, oh, I'm actually getting married today.

I'm like, oh, this is like happening.

I'm like, this is real.

You know, we've been preparing and I'm ready for this, but I'm like, oh my gosh, it's like my whole life.

Because this is what I've, you know, discussed with girlfriends who've also gotten married.

For us women, it's like the preparation to get married.

We cannot know, yeah, this is coming, this is happening.

What I've heard is for you guys, you don't get the reality, the reality check that you're getting married happens on the day you're getting married.

You're like, oh, this is the day.

Yeah.

Boom.

Like that.

And I was,

I was, it was like a lot of emotions happening.

You know, it's like, okay, my, my family's not here.

Hers is here.

I was like, my, all these things.

I was like, my dad's not here anymore.

He's not going to be able to release this.

All these things.

I was like, oh, man.

What do I do?

And I was like, the bigger version of me should just be like, ah, just let it be and just like let their whole family come and I'll be okay.

I was like, I know I'll be okay.

But it's something was inside of me.

I was like, gosh, something just feels off for me.

And I feel it's not like I felt sad.

I felt sad.

You were sad.

I love your family and I wanted them to be there.

Yes, I know.

But I was also just so torn that I was like, I should have invited my family there.

Yes.

You were sad.

You were, you're in your heart.

This is so bad today.

You were so sad because you literally communicated to me, you know, I feel, and I was feeling so sad.

Like, it was a, we had such a beautiful conversation because you said, listen, how would it feel for you?

Which you didn't need to tell me because I was in your shoes already, but it's like if

everybody from my family is here, and I just mean the nuclear family, it's not like 20 people flew in, still the main family, everybody of my family is here, and you had no one and you had no one.

And I already knew you were struggling with what happened because I was like, when they showed up, I was like, This is great now.

Yeah,

oh, so it was, I think, it's beautiful the way we talked about it because

I, for me

and you know correct me if I'm wrong but like you express yourself with your emotions I was there present with you and I said to you you are my family

this is literally you are my family

the sacrament of matrimony only needs three people you me obviously God represented by the priest.

Yeah.

That's it.

Like we don't we don't need the like we don't need, like, there's no, it's the opposite.

Yeah.

It's us creating this covenant, this agreement.

This what we want in our life.

So we will do whatever makes your heart feel happy.

But because you're such a generous man.

I was like, I want your family to be there.

That's not that.

Exactly.

So you were conflicted.

So I thought, how do I help

us?

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We got married at 3 p.m.

Yeah.

This is, this is 2 p.m.

Yeah.

That I'm literally, I come back from a hike.

I'm trying to like.

But I saw you.

I saw your eyes and I came into the room and I'm like

sweaty, like short t-shirt.

I'm laying on the bed up at 2 p.m.

I'm like, what do we do?

Yeah.

And you were literally like, we don't have to get married today.

We can just

do it next week.

I was so chill in that.

I was like, I was like the crazy bride.

You were like, whatever you want, whatever you need.

I was just like, I don't know what to do.

I know.

I know.

It was crazy.

You care so much.

I was like, yeah, I was a wreck emotionally inside because I was like, if I say no to your family, I'm a jerk for the rest of my life.

No, and you were not.

But then I'm going to feel sad that my family's not here to witness this.

And for me, it was, and this is part of this, the preparation that we did also, but it's also part of my heart.

If you are suffering or struggling with something, I am suffering and struggling with that something.

It's not a you problem versus, you know, oh, whatever, suck it up.

My family's here.

No, it's our situation to resolve together.

So then I was like, I understand what's happening for him.

I understand how he feels.

I feel that way.

I know he doesn't want to feel like he's being, you know, that word you said with the family.

I don't know,

that you're being mean to them, exactly.

And at the same time, all the conflictive emotions.

So I said, love, you know, we have several options.

We can get married in Mexico the same way and you're like, I don't know that priest.

That's not the priest that prepared us.

I was like, that's the same thing.

There's like a different priest we can follow.

follow.

Exactly.

And I was like, okay, listen, I think the best option is this.

You and I had an agreement together.

Yeah.

But you let me know how this sounds for you.

I said, we had an agreement that we made together.

We stick to the agreement.

My family is very cool, meaning the extended family.

I know for a fact that they're going to be happy if they just wait at home to celebrate.

Because the marriage is not happening between my family, you and me, and your family.

The marriage is happening between the two of us who are creating a family right now.

So I am your wife, although I haven't signed the thing.

I'm your wife.

So I got your back.

Don't worry about it.

Take a shower.

I'll talk to my family.

It's all going to be okay.

Yeah, this was 2 p.m.

And we were getting married at 3.

Yeah.

And I felt like,

are you sure?

It's like, yes.

And you're like, are you sure they're not going to be offended?

Because that was the thing inside of your heart.

Well, I just felt like, you know, they flew in for this.

It was a whole thing.

And they were like surprising us.

And I was like, it's so nice of them to do this.

But we had talked for months that, like, we're just keeping it this.

Otherwise, I would have told my parents or my mom and my family to fly in as well and try to figure out something.

Absolutely.

So it just was trying to make it like work for both of us.

And this is a great moment where you stepped up and said, I'm going to take care of my family and communicate to them.

We're going to do it how we originally did it.

They came at the very end.

So they were able to come take photos with us.

It was still celebrated with that.

Yeah, we celebrated.

They were outside.

Someone that were there, which was the original.

And this was probably the most sacred moment of my life because there was no one in the church

except for the priest, your parents, Matt and Kendra, and their two like innocent kids

on the alt, like the altar with the priest, just having this intimate conversation.

If we have photos, we'll put them up on the video to show some of these.

And it was like you could hear God.

Yeah.

It was so

you could hear and feel this like presence that was so

raw and vulnerable and powerful.

And it was just like, wow.

The priest said, in what, 30 years of doing the, of weddings, thousands of weddings.

He's like, I've never experienced a wedding like this.

And so he invited the four people that we had to come up and be all together in a circle.

And just

like this.

It was just like a little spiritual hug circle.

I don't know.

It was crazy.

And it was so powerful.

And I was like, gosh, this is exactly the way it needed to be.

If there was more people, it would have been more like performative.

It'd been like, okay, we'll look back at our family and friends.

And it'd have been more of like a performance, which is not bad.

It's just this was like the center of what was happening.

It was so, it was building a foundation.

of us.

And then a week later, we did the, you know, the whole celebration with friends and family.

And it was like

mariachi and bands and freaking donkeys.

And it it was like the whole thing in Mexico, which was like.

It was incredible.

Dancers, it was like the food.

It was like a Mexican fiesta.

It was incredible.

But I think it wouldn't have been as fun had we not done the church wedding a week before.

Yeah.

Because I felt relaxed, you know,

during the celebration with friends and family, I was like, we're having fun.

Maybe it was a little bit of like right before getting married.

It was like a little nervous, but it was like I was playing pickleball in the morning.

You were.

I was like, yeah, we're having fun.

And also, you stayed stayed in the suite as i was getting ready

i was in the pool and all the team were like is he ever gonna let me i know because we can't pull out the dress and all the thing it's so funny but it was very it was like a celebration it was fun it didn't feel stressful at all no and

and i think in a way it was so beautiful that that happened yeah because again i feel like it was a it was both a gift

and a test wrapped together.

It was like a test for each other.

It was a test for both of us.

For both of us.

Because I like

I want to please people.

I want people to feel good.

It's like I don't want people to be angry at me.

And especially on our wedding day, it's like if they flew in for this and I'm the jerk that says, no, you can't come.

I didn't want that.

But you were like, you know what?

You're right.

We should make this about us.

And

stick to our agreements.

And I was like, well, I need to be more flexible.

And it's not really that big a deal.

But if we don't speak up and use our voice when we've created agreements in a relationship, then we're going to have little resentments, you know, that carry with us for a long time.

And so many, so many couples,

whether they're married or not yet, but like so many couples struggle with that part of like

in what moment

I

set a loving boundary with my family to say, listen, this is the person I'm choosing as

right now becoming my family.

So many wedding stories that people can tell us in the comments.

You know, like, oh, in this, you know, I experienced this happened in the wedding.

Oh, yeah, a lot of drama.

There are some drama in the wedding.

It's like, wait,

you are creating a family together.

Yes.

You know?

Yeah.

And so literally at two, I remember I looked at my watch at 2.30.

I got in the shower and we got married at 3.

Isn't that crazy?

And I was like, I didn't know what I was going to wear.

I was like,

you were kind of already, like your hair was already done, your makeup was already done.

Like, I think you just had to put a a dress on.

And also, we left together.

You saw me in the dress.

We did everything different, by the way.

Since the beginning of dating, we've done everything.

It was, it was kind of like, I don't know how I got ready this fast.

I showered in five minutes.

I was like, do I even have a suit?

Do I have to iron it?

I was like, I just put on a suit and a tie.

And then I was like frantically like, we got to go.

Running to the

church.

And then we pull up like five minutes.

I don't know how we got there on time.

And we pull up.

And even then, you said, Could you text your family and tell them to come?

I said, Tell them to come and like be outside or come here.

I said, Come towards the end.

Right before towards the end.

I said, Come to the end so they can see us walking out.

Because I was like, I'll just have them come.

You know, just have them come.

Like, let's make it a win-win.

And they ended up coming.

They ended up coming.

And like, we got to do photos afterwards together and celebrate.

We were dancing in the

green room.

But it was like, I was stressed right before we walked down the aisle together.

And we walked down the

aisle together.

Together.

To the thing.

And again, there was no one in there.

There was no one.

It was just like.

Which also in a way, although it was not traditional, it was meaningful because it also happened so quickly.

We hadn't even

thought about how we're going to walk.

So we walked hand in hand together as two adults.

Yes.

Towards like in the aisle.

Your parents were there.

And Matt and Kendra were there.

And the priest in the middle.

And the priest and the cross in the middle.

And we were walking on our own choice.

Oh, man.

I was like together.

We were balling.

Making this beautiful decision.

It was beautiful.

Yeah.

That was a beautiful.

So it was a beautiful thing that we did that.

And the whole family of origin part.

Yes.

If we hadn't have gone through that, whatever, six months before, whatever it was, and talked about these things, maybe we wouldn't have been able to come together in that moment.

And then you know what happens later?

You presented for life.

For life, you hold on to stuff.

And you hold on, or you hold on to it until you forgive it.

But then you're like, I wish I would have stood up for what I wanted to do.

Or I wish they didn't do this.

Or I wish my parents wouldn't come.

Whatever it is, you,

it just gets messy.

And I think because we have this foundation of understanding our origin story and how we want to create our family, I'm like, have your family come over every day.

I'm like, you know, have them come every weekend, have them stay the night.

Like, I love being around them.

It's not like I'm like, get away from me.

I love you very much.

I'm like, this is awesome.

You know, obviously we have boundaries, but it's like, because I know you've got our back in the relationship, I'm like, yeah, come over as much as you want because I don't feel like they're intruding in our marriage.

You know, they're adding, they're enriching our marriage.

They're supportive.

They're having fun with us.

We're having experiences.

But it's like, if they go on a trip, we don't have to go with them every time.

It's like we choose what we want to do.

And vice versa.

If my family is like inviting to something, you don't have to do something because whatever.

So this whole family of origin thing was powerful.

And it almost makes me want to be around your family more.

but also know like oh if i'm somewhere like we can leave it sometime with your family and it's like i don't feel

because you know my family of origin is very accepting with you too like i remember the first few times you were hanging out with them you were like in the middle of everything because we talk forever as latinos you were like i'm getting sleepy go take a nap it was late it was like we were there all day for something and i was like i was exhausted yeah i go I don't know if I'm like had two cups of coffee.

I was like, I think I need to like go in the car.

You said, yeah, go ahead.

No, I said, no, go upstairs to the room and take a nap.

You sure?

You sure your parents are not gonna be offended that I'm leaving to take a nap in the middle?

I was like, Why?

Just be well, because in previous relationships, it was like, unless you're present for the whole weekend activities, it's like you're a bad partner.

But this is when you introduce the must thing in the relationship.

You must do this thing, you should do these things.

Like, the rules in a relationship constrict the relationship,

you know, literally.

And so, we, you and I have yeah, rules, We don't have rules.

We have agreements.

Agreements.

And these agreements create freedom because it allows us to essentially say, this is what we have agreed on.

So if I'm not doing something we agreed on or you're not doing something for whatever reason, remember our agreements.

And is there a reason why you don't want, are we creating a new agreement now because you don't want to do that anymore?

If so, we both have to agree.

It can't just be, this is the way it needs to be and you have to accept it.

It needs to be we both need to agree.

Otherwise, why are we in a relationship if we can't agree on things?

Or if we can't agree to be okay with how we do things differently.

It's like, I don't know.

Maybe you don't like something I do, but you're like, okay, I'm okay that you're going to do that.

I don't like it, but I'm agreeing that that's how you are.

I don't know.

I don't even know why I'm thinking.

I don't know.

I was thinking.

It's just making sure that we're in alignment with agreements.

And the next thing is couple communication.

Yes.

That's a big one.

Which I can't remember everything they talked about with this, but I think a lot of it was around like creating agreements and making sure when there's a disagreement, especially that part when there's a disagreement.

And when there's a disagreement, it means we haven't agreed on something yet.

There shouldn't be disagreements.

Like we don't really disagree unless it's a new thing we haven't talked about.

Right.

That I'm like, hmm, I don't see it that way.

And you're like, well, I actually see it this way.

Then we have a disagreement, right?

We aren't in agreement yet.

Yeah.

And this whole couple communication thing is

you talk about this a lot.

It's having curiosity.

it's like let me speak with curiosity and say huh why do you think this way why do you think this way rather than thinking like a victim or that your partner is doing something malevolence behind your back or in front of you and or just that they have a belief that's wrong or bad or something exactly it's like it it's it's it's always

try your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

I was talking to a girlfriend about this recently and I was saying, haven't you noticed that when you have a best friend, a best guy friend or a best girlfriend if they do something

you usually don't think badly you think oh he was tired oh he forgot to call yeah oh she whatever all these things why is it that we don't do the exact same thing for our partners it's true think about it like I'm sure you know I don't know like our friends can do things

And well, for us, you know, because we've set our foundation differently, but it usually happens that way, that you you get offended because this person did this thing the person you're dating whereas you would never get offended if it was your best friend doing it that's true why do you think that is i don't know matt always says this to me he's like i don't know why i just never get upset when you do certain things but other people would make me upset or something you know it's like if they did certain things and i you know what i think it is tell me I think because the stakes are higher.

Ah, with love.

With love.

With intimacy, with like the relationship you have about yourself that is projected on the other person.

So meaning your best friend can forget it was your birthday that morning.

Right.

And tell you later, dude, I forgot.

Yeah.

Happy birthday, blah, blah.

And you're going to be totally cool.

Ah, no problem, whatever.

But if your partner forgets that it was your birthday or anniversary that morning.

See?

You didn't remind me it was a three-month anniversary.

I'm the one that told you.

What does that say about me

and about how much this person actually loves me?

Right.

And it makes you doubt about your worth,

your worth, literally your worth.

So then

it makes you realize, wait, the stakes are higher because I am putting my self-worth in the hands of my partner.

You don't do that with your best friends or friends.

You don't put your self-worth in those, unless, you know, whatever, I don't know, really codependent friendship relationships, but you really don't.

So I think that's one of the reasons.

So if we can bring a little bit of that mindset of a friendship into the relationship

and say, in that case,

he forgot because this is part of his personality.

He forgets dates and this is who he is.

And that has nothing to do with me or what it means to our relationship.

If he's going to call me, you know, what, this is another thing.

If it's so important for you to celebrate that anniversary and speak up about it.

And your husband forgot about it, there's nothing wrong with you reminding your husband, hey, tomorrow's anniversary.

I just want to let you know.

But you want maybe him to do something special, remind him a week before.

There's nothing wrong with it.

I think you do this really well because I also

grew up not really celebrating a lot of things.

Like I didn't throw parties for my birthday.

It wasn't like...

It's just not how I was raised or trained to like, let's celebrate every moment in our life, every anniversary.

every week.

And that was Mexicans who should go,

everything's a celebration.

It's a celebration, yes.

So it's also learning to accept, and I think you do this well.

You say, listen,

you had a big guest on this week.

You completed your book, whatever it is.

Let's go celebrate and go out to dinner this weekend.

So you say it like a week in advance and you say, I want us to celebrate and have a celebration.

And I even say to you sometimes, let's choose a date.

What day works?

Yes.

Let's do that.

And you say what you want.

I wouldn't be doing that.

I wouldn't be thinking like, I'm just like, all right, I completed this thing or I launched my book.

Like,

let's relax and hang out.

And then on to the next thing.

And so, if you want something, you have to communicate it.

Yeah.

And you have to understand what is your couple communication.

Yes.

And we do things differently from our past.

And if we're joining a family and creating a family, we're going to create communication on what we both want moving forward.

And it also means I may not want to celebrate every person's birthday, which is five a week.

And we're not going to every event and we're not doing a celebration all the time.

But it also means when you want to celebrate something, you communicate it to me and I plan to like celebrate those moments.

And I'm like, okay, this is not something I normally do, but she wants to do this this weekend.

Let's plan it.

Cool.

I'm in because we're creating a family together.

Yes.

So it's not like a compromise.

It's more about communication of what we want and making sure we're both in alignment.

And the next thing is conflict resolution.

When we're not in alignment on something, it's really learning how to resolve friction, resolve disagreements, resolve moments of stress or overwhelm or like, hey, we're not seeing an II.

And I think a lot of it starts with conflict resolution is.

Identifying the issue, you know.

Well, identifying the issue first.

What is the issue?

Is the issue that you don't love me right now?

No.

The issue is you're...

struggling with something that's happening and you want to feel safe, you know, or whatever it might be.

And

it's talking about how can we come to a resolution around this thing?

How can we create peace around it so you feel good and I feel good?

Yeah.

Because if you don't feel good around something, the relationship isn't good and vice versa.

So it needs to be, but I can't,

you know,

be a martyr and then only make you feel good and then I never feel good.

Right.

I need to be, we need to both be in agreement that, okay, this works for me.

Yeah.

Maybe I don't love this thing, but it works for me and I'm at peace with it.

And we've come to an agreement.

Yes.

And that is learning how to have conscious conflict resolution.

Not where you're saying, that's stupid or you're wrong or ah, screaming.

It's saying, all right, let's work through this problem.

Why do you feel this way?

Why do I feel this way?

What doesn't work for you?

What doesn't work for me?

What does work for you?

What does work for me?

Okay, is there a way we can come together on this?

And I think always reminding ourselves,

you know, when

there's a moment of confusion, how can we stay connected and like continue like holding hands?

How can we listen?

You know, something I like to do is read your mind and speak for you.

You know, you start a sentence and I'm like, I already know what you're going to say.

This, this, and this, this.

Let's just get to the point.

It's very entertaining to me sometimes because I'm mid-sentence and then you complete what you think I'm going to say and you respond.

to the thing you thought.

Most of the time I'm right though.

Most of the time.

I would say like 80% of the time really.

but you're very smart well i'm also the personality that's like i want to get to the resolution now i don't want to hear stories and

go through every little thing of this thing i'm like i understand what you're feeling let's get to it

so how do we process our feelings talking about telling stories over and over

which is okay but it's again understanding and accepting through conflict resolution of like all right I get to learn to be more patient and listen more as opposed to guessing what you're going to say.

You bring the stories down a little bit because you're a storyteller, so it's like you just shorten them a little bit so that I can have more patience.

No, and there's also something really I think it's important that we apply that is really good.

Again, the first step for conflict resolution is

try your best not to take it personal.

Whatever is going on that the other person did, that you felt offended, or that you felt whichever emotion that you're feeling,

rejected or not seen, or any of these things is like most likely has nothing to do about you.

Right.

Right.

And so when

any of us brings up something to the table, it's more in the way of like, okay, first, I'm going to tell you all the things that I appreciate about you.

This is what I said.

We were in Hawaii a couple of years ago.

Yeah.

And we had like, maybe it's like our first argument or something that we had.

Yeah.

And it was like an hour of struggle.

And I was like, why aren't we getting to a resolution quickly?

Like it should be, you know, and it's like maybe our first one in like a couple years or something because men want to fix things quickly that's the thing and us we want to discuss what and this is what i this is what i said early on i said listen you we can have as many uncomfortable conversations as you want like if something is bothering you i always want you to bring it to me if something is on your heart or your mind even if it's irrational bring it to me and let's talk about it and i said what works for me is not just coming to me after we're in hawaii and we're in this beautiful place and i've taken taken you out to dinner and we took a walk on the beach and I, I don't know, bought you some bikini or whatever it is.

And it's like, I've invested in this beautiful trip for us to have this amazing vacation.

And then out of the blue, there's something on your heart or your mind.

I can't remember.

I can't remember.

But here are the things.

It was about candles.

Okay, I don't even remember what it was.

It was the silliest thing.

It doesn't even really matter what it is, but it's more about like.

But for whatever reason, it was like you were on this thing for like, I don't know, maybe it was an hour.

It wasn't like you were blowing up, but I just felt underappreciated yeah and all I was thinking about she's talking about candles or whatever it was you were talking about so easy and I think it's really good to dissect it a little bit you were talking about something that I didn't do that you wanted right it's like you wanted me to have candles out or I don't know you felt because this is the way you expressed later when we talked about it that I was bringing up something because you were not doing enough of that something.

And I just wanted to have a romantic night with candles.

And at that moment you said, candles feel like the movies to me.

That's true.

They feel like

you're faking something.

Like, what's up with the candles, right?

And it feels inorganic.

It feels inorganic.

It feels inauthentic.

It feels like.

It feels so romantic to me.

It feels like I want to throw up my mouth.

Yes.

But the thing is.

I'm like, we're in Hawaii walking on the beach with sunset.

This is, I am romance.

You know, it's like,

precisely because we were in Hawaii and on the beach.

You wanted more.

I wanted the candles.

It was just about the candles.

And I'm I'm like, we had roses, we had flowers in the room.

We already had all this stuff.

The point is,

a conflict is not really about the candles.

It's not really about picking up the mail or cleaning the kitchen.

It's what's underneath that's what's happening.

Of course.

So what was underneath to me, I wanted to create a moment of intimacy.

Right.

I wanted to share with each other a special,

special intimate moment, like trying something a little bit different, you know?

Just with the candles.

candles yes and for you and at that moment it was my lack of communication the way you received it is oh my god she's not seeing all of the things that i do right now yeah she's i pay for this trip

there's beautiful sunsets there's like flowers and chocolate and this and there's all these things that we're experiencing the most beautiful place in the world and she's over here talking about candles

like what is this exactly i'm like but but underneath you felt unappreciated.

That's what was happening underneath.

And what I told you is, I said, all I need, I said, you can tell me everything you want or anything

you don't like about something or you want more of, all these things.

But for me, what's going to work for me is if all you have to do is talk about what you're grateful for.

first

or what you appreciate about what I've already been doing.

And if you can come to me and say, gosh, I really appreciate it.

You don't have to like do a long list of everything, but just like, I really appreciate how you take care of me and that you brought us here.

It can be as simple as that.

Yeah, not, you don't have to say, I'm grateful for how you did this today, and this, you don't have to give me a list of everything, even though there's a lot of things.

What I have to say is, like, I just really appreciate how you do this.

Because sometimes it's really, you just

start saying a lot of things.

Yeah, so all you have to do is say a few things of like, man, I really appreciate these things that you do, and I appreciate how you take care of us.

And I appreciate that we've went on this beautiful dinner last night.

We went on a walk on the beach today, and you were really taking time to like make this trip special.

Yeah.

And so I'd like to try this thing.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

Then adds.

And I'd love to try this thing.

Do you think we can get some flowers tonight or we can get some candles too?

I think it'd be really fun.

Yes.

For me, in the process.

Sorry to interrupt.

Yes.

As I was trying to explain yourself where I was coming from,

the longer the conversation, the faster you wanted to fix it.

And the faster you wanted to fix it,

the faster I felt like I needed to express where I really was coming from, which was not of making you wrong, which was not of being unappreciative, which was more of like, I just thought it'd be really cool to do this.

That's where I was coming from.

But because you were at that moment, because this happens in, you know, in conflict, you were so focused on trying to fix it very quickly.

Yes, I felt unseen.

And you were feeling unappreciated.

And that was what's happening underneath in reality.

So it was, I'm so glad that happened.

Because then after it happened, we both had this conversation and saying, you know, love, I understand now where you're coming from.

But for me, it just, it just sinks in differently and kindly if you tell me in this specific way.

And I was like, okay.

And then when I tell you in that specific way, which I understand because like, otherwise it sounds to you like I'm not appreciating everything that you do already.

I also would like to try these things and would like to express to you why, right?

And conflict resolution is a powerful thing because you can learn how to be in better relationship with your partner.

Yes.

And even though it takes these moments of stress or overwhelm or conflict in order for you to then have the conversation and say, hey, when this happens again, here's what I would love for us to try.

And that's why I say to you, you can have as many uncomfortable conversations you want with me.

You can bring stuff up you don't like.

You can say you disagree, whatever it is.

And we can have that conversation.

I guess there's only like two

agreements that I like to have.

One is don't have it when I put my head on the bed.

Yes.

So once I'm in bed, my head shuts off and I can't have these uncomfortable conversations.

It's really challenging.

Unless there's like a crisis, then okay, let's wake back up and let me be here for you.

Like if you're...

Which, by the way, I want to say...

That is such a beautiful adaptation we did together of that because we have that

agreement that we've made together.

You know what?

After 11 p.m., and it's true, like one has to choose whenever to say something.

So if your husband is just about to leave out the door in 10 minutes to go to work and you bring up a subject and then you're upset because he had to leave, oh my God, he left me.

No, why did you learn?

You don't care about this.

This is important.

You're leaving the work.

You're not.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Choose when you're working.

You're going with your friends right now.

You don't want to listen to me.

It's like, but I have the tickets already for the game.

What do you mean?

Why do you exactly bring up?

So it's learning how to bring up conflict at the right times.

And it doesn't mean you have to like abandon yourself and wait weeks and months.

It's just figure out, okay, when can we and also saying, hey, there's something on my mind I want to talk about today that's bothering me.

When is a good time for you?

Exactly.

And you make a bait.

It doesn't need to be when you want it to be.

Your partner has to agree to receive the conversation also.

So something's real in your heart and mind.

And if they say, oh, actually, I want to resolve this now.

So I'm going to cancel my thing because it doesn't work for me to like wait five hours, then that's on you now saying, I'm going to cancel this thing and give you what you need or when I get back from this event to this game then we can talk about it or tomorrow morning is better it's like finding a time within like 24 48 hours I think is is good so the person isn't waiting to share this thing and you're saying I value your struggle enough to say when do we want to talk about it for us we don't really have many of these conversations but I'm also just like

It's

and I said to you because there was a couple of times we had conversations late at night where I was just like, I'm exhausted.

And you're like, you're not being present.

You're falling asleep.

And I'm like, it's midnight.

What do you want me to do?

And so the next day, I'm like, we need to make a new agreement.

This isn't working.

Let's agree.

Can we agree?

No tough conversations after 10 p.m.

And now it's like when my head hits the bed, can we not have a conversation that's tough?

Like, that's the time where we can talk about what we're grateful for and

wind down.

It works for us.

And it works for us.

And that's the thing.

I want to say something that I think is very important.

All the things that we are sharing right now are things that work for us.

Yes.

Because I think all the agreements a relationship has and any relationship has to be tailored for them.

Yes.

Every person.

That's what I love about a relationship.

It's tailored for us.

Maybe certain agreements that we have for a woman that has a more sensitive

nervous system, maybe they wouldn't work, you know?

Maybe they need different agreements that can work for them.

But you gotta, but then the man has to be okay with the agreement they're making.

Don't be upset at the agreement.

Like, don't make the agreement if you're not in alignment with it.

Right.

And then the other thing is that these agreements are also negotiable, which is why I was grateful that you say, except there's a crisis, because we had a situation that there was a crisis.

Yeah, then okay.

And I woke up in the middle of the night and you were like, no, we have this agreement at that moment.

And I was like, but

my grandpa just died.

And if there's a safe word, if there's something like, this is a crisis, I need you you to wake up.

Yes.

Then, you know, you're not crying, wolf.

Yes.

Like, once a week, there's like, it's like, no, this is actually something happening.

And I'm like, okay, I'm awake.

And it's like adrenaline mode.

What do you need?

I'm here.

I have a question for you.

What would you say?

Let's say there's a man

and his wife or partner or fiancé has breakdowns almost every single day.

And they want the man to be available every single moment.

Like,

what would you be careful who you marry?

Okay.

Choose wisely who you marry or accept this who they are.

I mean, it's like if you've been with someone for a year, two, three, four years, and you get married to them, you cannot expect them to change overnight into someone you want them to be.

You have to accept who you're marrying.

Meaning, have these conversations beforehand.

Understand who they are.

Hopefully, you get to know 90 to 95% of the person's personality within a two to three year window.

Yeah.

There's probably stuff I'll never fully know about you.

There's always going to be things I'm going to learn about you, but 95% of you I understand because I've witnessed so much of your time and experiences together.

Yeah.

And before getting engaged, before getting married, I said, okay, I'm choosing to accept this about you.

It doesn't mean I love

everything about you, like little nuances that maybe like annoy me or something, but I've, it doesn't bother me necessarily because I've chosen to accept it.

And this is who you are.

And I could also say, I'm sure there's things that I do that you're like, okay, that maybe it kind of annoys you, but you've chosen to accept me.

So it doesn't bother you.

It's not like, stop doing that.

I don't like that.

Well, this is the person you married.

And this is the person you chose to accept.

If you didn't like who I was, you shouldn't have gotten married to me.

Now, also on top of that,

We know that we're in a growth mindset relationship.

So we're both in in agreement that we're going to strive to continue to improve individually and together.

And it doesn't mean every day we're not going to be perfect ever, but every day we're going to be willing to, you know, I'm going to take a look at that and reflect on it.

And if something's horribly bothering you, I don't want that.

So what can I do to try to create a new agreement in this space without feeling like I have to change who I am to please you?

And I think that process of just a willingness that we are willing to grow, look at things, reflect, because nothing's going to be perfect, but we have accepted who we are.

And that acceptance is the foundation.

And because of that, we can have these conflict resolution conversations.

When we are struggling with something, we can say, what's an agreement we can make around this?

And we're going to continue to make agreements for the future.

You know, it's going to be new things that we're going to have to agree on that come up in our life.

It's not like, oh, we have these five agreements and we're good.

No.

It's, it's going to evolve.

It's good.

And some agreements may shift and change.

Like it's going to keep evolving.

And I think that has been the thing because we accept each other.

And I, and I said this early on, I go, you know, you can,

you can be upset at me.

You can have.

you know, these challenging conversations.

You can say whatever you want, but you have to accept me.

You have to accept who I am because I'm not changing to please you.

Yeah.

I need to make sure that I'm happy with me

and you are happy with me.

And if you're not happy with me or if I'm not happy with you, then that's a me thing or a you thing.

You know, it's not, you don't need to change.

I need to change the way I look at you and perceive you and learn to continue to accept you because you're going to evolve and shift and change and adapt in life.

And so am I.

I love what you're saying because it really,

you know, adding to that, but it's part of the same subject.

when when

you are trying, when you're struggling with something about the person you're with over and over and over again, it's because underneath that, you wish they would change that.

Yes.

That's what it is.

And when you learn to accept the entire person, not just, you know, not just falling in love with the...

these parts of the person

the entire person you know okay she is fantastic in all these different ways however yeah she has a very thin nervous system and everything makes her break down that's the person you're with and either either accept her or don't be with her exactly because then the frustration that comes sometimes is not even about the person it's about you wanting to change

the person and and that creates a frustration because things are not the way you want them to be Yeah, and then you're going to suffer.

You're going to suffer.

And so, and listen, we've both done this in the past in previous relationships where we didn't, we weren't accepted, we didn't accept the people, we wanted people to change, they wanted us to change.

And it's just stressful.

It just doesn't feel good.

And that doesn't mean that throughout the relationship, there's ways in you can grow together.

Yes.

You know?

But it's walking next to each other to create.

that space as well.

Like if there is a woman or a man with a very, you know, a nervous system that is breaking down and needs a lot of reassurance all the time and everything, you know, is

again,

talk about the issue together.

How can I support you with this issue?

You know, I've noticed this about you.

Is there any way I can bring support in our life to create a better, like a better life experience for the both of us?

Because I see you struggle.

So then it becomes also my struggle.

How do we do this together?

Yeah.

A big thing that people fight about and one of the main causes of breakups and divorces is around money money conversations money problems money issues yes and so one of the next things in the process that we took for the premarital counseling was around finances and creating just a sample budget sheet yeah and i think this is more than just like a one-time conversation this is something that we talked about over and over again and we can do a whole episode just in oh yeah we could and we will

uh i mean remit saithy has a great book that's like i will teach you to be rich for for couples or something like that.

I can't remember the name of it, but we've gone through that.

Again, Eight Dates talks about like money stuff.

We had like a whole date in this Eight Dates book by the Gottmans, which was around money.

And like it asks us, I think, like 50 questions that we both answer to each other about money.

Yes.

To make sure we're in alignment.

Your relationship with money.

You may have a different relationship with money than I do.

Everyone has a different relationship with money.

And so you might have similarities within your partner, but you're going to have differences also.

And again, it's learning to accept the person.

And one of the things that we talked about in here was like the debts you have, the debts I have.

We didn't have any debts, but it's like, it's something you talk about is like, is there debt?

How are you going to handle this?

How does that make you feel if the partner has that?

Whose responsibility is that?

Are you merging finances?

Who's paying for what?

Like these things that you just don't think about that maybe you assume.

And maybe you think, oh, the man's going to pay for these things and I'm not going to pay for anything when I'm married.

Or maybe you say, we're going to split it 50-50.

Or I've been a big entrepreneur.

I'm going to take on the responsibility.

And then two years later, you're married and then one of the two is resentful.

You never discuss these things.

Never discuss it.

Or

you find out, oh, wait, what?

You had all this debt and you never told me.

Like all of this, I think it's information that is important.

When you're dating, I think there's a moment.

But we talked about this when we were dating, before we're engaged.

engaged you know and i think that's for me i was wanting to go through a lot of this stuff when we were dating because i was like why get engaged and then break it off yeah like oh telling your friends and family in the world oh we got engaged and then uh it didn't work out six months later because we didn't have these conversations yes you don't have to have them before getting engaged yes we we did eight dates before

which went into money and i was making sure are we in alignment now it doesn't mean we went through whose accounts are where and where are we merging money it It wasn't that, but it was like, are we in alignment on money?

You know, there's like 50 questions through the date that we went through on like money.

Yeah.

And each person has to answer the question.

And then if we have a different answer, it was like, okay, why do you really feel about this?

How do I feel about this?

Are you okay if we did it this way?

And we got to an alignment on a lot of these things.

And it was like, okay, yeah, I'm okay with this and you're okay with this.

Okay, cool.

But if we have a big disagreement around money before getting engaged and we don't resolve that, it's just going to create more stress and chaos and pain for people in engagement, in marriage, because they think they love each other.

But I think marriage, again, we're three months in, so we're not experts in this.

But I think it is about creating peace and creating harmony within alignment on values, vision, and lifestyle, rather than do I love this person and does this person love me?

Because that's going to be enough.

I just don't think that's enough for people.

It's not enough.

And, you know, I've been working on this book the last few years, Make Money Easy, which was all about healing your relationship with money.

And I think when each individual goes through that process of healing their relationship with money, you have more peace and harmony coming together as well because you don't have fears, anxieties, limitations blocking you from feeling free with money.

Also, you know what else?

It's good to read that book together.

Huge.

You know, your book, like as couples, to read it together because a bunch of the questions and examples that you come up in the book, you can share with each other.

So it helps to share what the experience of money is being for each other.

And then it helps you to understand your partner.

Yeah.

Because what's underneath any fight of money for a lot, you know, for a lot of people is trust,

for example.

appreciation there's another one you know oh i buy her all these different things and then i but she does all she does is complain complain and all this and she just doesn't care.

So she's not valuing my effort.

Yeah, yeah.

Not valuing my job, not valuing what I bring to the table for the both of us.

So it's feeling unappreciated underneath.

Or

he's not sharing any of his finances.

Why?

You know, it's weird.

What's going on?

Oh, well, it's a matter of trust.

Or he's cheap or he's whatever it is.

Yeah.

It's a matter of trust.

So there's deeper things underneath what the conflict about money is.

Yeah.

And

if you guys wanted to do a whole episode on money and relationships, let us know in the comments below.

Also, because in that whole episode, we can talk about the prenup.

Oh, yeah, we can talk about, oh my God, it's such a whole process.

So, if you want more of that or you have problems with that, let us know in the comments below.

So, that was just part of it.

Again, this could be a whole weeks for people to go through from that.

Then we went over married intimacy.

Oh, my God, that was so beautiful and so important.

And I can't remember that part, but what was the main part of it?

So, the main thing about

the main thing about intimacy

in married couples, which is beautiful, is that

one of the things is that we think marriage is a finished line.

Oh, we got there great.

Now she's my wife.

Forget about the lover, you know, when...

It's like, you know what?

Before we got there,

I was getting ready for you to go out on a date you were getting ready for me to go out on a date we would go on a date together we'd make it fun joyful special yeah it's also I was taking care of my health before you were taking care of your health before and you can't just let go of yourself because you're married now It's like taking care of your health, taking care of your mind, getting ready for each other to go out and experience life and go on dates, like all those things.

Yeah.

The way they talk about it in the workshop also is that, because a lot of people think, oh, if you're in a Christian workshop or in a Catholic workshop, it's like, you never talk about sex.

We should never talk.

No, they talk about it.

No, they talk about it because they tell you your husband and your wife is there to enjoy each other.

That is literally another avenue of God's love for you.

that is there for you.

So there's

the way to build intimacy has everything to do with everything we discussed before.

You know, you're not going to feel like you want to be intimate with me if I'm complaining about you all day long.

If I'm complaining about the life we have all day long, if you feel unappreciated,

you're going to be like, you know, I don't even know if I want this.

Or maybe you just want that.

And then you'll be like, ah, because I don't want, you know, it's all encompassing everything.

And it's an opportunity and a gift that God gives us to enjoy each other's love in a physical way.

and it is as important as the other ones, also,

knowing that it will change and evolve in times and all these different things.

So, it's like what happens if the woman doesn't want to have sex as much as the man?

What happens?

Yeah.

Well, you probably have to ask her why, like, what's happening with you?

What's going on?

It may not have anything to do with the man.

Most likely, something is going on for her.

And so, you can, like, you can

curiosity, you know, address the woman and say, hey,

I love connecting with you this way.

So it's not about sex per se.

It's about intimacy.

I love connecting with you this way.

I feel loved when we have,

you know, when we're intimate with each other.

And I'm starting to feel

less disconnected.

I'm starting to feel disconnected.

And that's a beautiful way to connect with you.

It's interesting because I don't want to be like men are like this and women are like this.

However, there are certain things that we are different.

This is a reality.

And

for men, what I've heard from you is like looking for that connection.

When you are intimate with your partner, you feel more connected, right?

And for us, in order for us to feel intimate with our partner, we need to feel emotionally connected first.

So it's almost like which one's the first, like chicken out of the egg.

But in reality, it's a complement of each other in that way.

You feel, feel you you you

you feed the emotional connection and you feel the physical connection and one and another and they go in like this in a circle but why would you think a woman wouldn't want to have intimacy with their partner feels disconnected

you may ask the woman probably i don't know she feels disconnected or she feels undervalued or underappreciated or something's off something's off for some reason doesn't feel attracted to the man or feels resentful or feel i mean a number of things

yeah

you know there's an interesting thing that i've learned recently that

you know how there is

harmful machismo you know a machismo right like the am i saying it right yeah yeah there's also harmful

I know, but I'm saying a machismo, but I don't know if it means the same thing.

It means the same thing here.

Macho, machismo.

There's harmful machismo.

And there's also harmful feminism.

Like, I believe this.

And

when you, as a woman, you start thinking that your power over your man has to do with sex

and how much you give it to him or not.

And when and only when you want to, and all of that stuff, you are creating the biggest prison ever.

and

it's a version of control.

Yeah,

manipulation, it's manipulation, absolutely.

And man, yeah.

And so, I think

that part is important to, you know.

So, women shouldn't control sex with the man they're married to?

No,

you shouldn't manipulate them or say, I'm not giving it to you, or not now, or the button.

No, I don't think so.

Why?

What happens when that happens?

Because you're falling into the trap of control, as in anything else in life.

that's not you shouldn't that's not love you are you are

saying i have this thing that you want so therefore i'm above you right now and you're here you know so unless you do this and this and this and that i'll do this oh man and that's gonna make the man resentful exhausting it's gonna be exhausting and you are not realizing this but you are making yourself a thing

how so how so but you're saying this is a thing this is what you value and you're not gonna give me yes this is what i'm gonna put my value into as a woman it's gonna be my body so then therefore that's the value and so there you go you're only gonna have it when i want to how i want to great it's fantastic you look great right now what's gonna happen when you're 60 70 are you really you are gonna be continuing to make the effort of put your value on the physical aspect of you you're not building for the long term wow this is why i think it's like.

It's also you, when

you make a

sacrament of matrimony, if you're getting married, I guess maybe if you're not in a relationship, but if you're getting married, and you're saying, I'm choosing to only be with you and to be

sacred with you,

and someone says, no, you can't have it.

for a week or weeks or months or whatever, like,

what do you think is going to happen?

Someone's going to be.

It's going to break the relationship between.

It's going to to break the relationship, but it's like, if you're forcing someone.

Now, if there's something medical or something else that's happening,

it's different.

But I'm talking about if you're having power and control over the person and saying, no, you can't have this right now until you do this or this or whatever.

Unless you've broken trust in some way, like, and the person really needs time to heal, that's different.

But if it's just like, you're not listening to me, you're not going to get this.

Some petty thing.

I mean, if it's.

Sometimes it doesn't come that way.

Sometimes it comes in like, I'm tired.

Yeah, exactly.

The kids are so much this and this and that.

But you're, you know, but you're building a gap.

You're building a gap and you're,

you know, it doesn't matter how disciplined the partner is you're with.

You spend six months doing that, a year doing that, they're starting to be like, man, their mind's going to wander, you know, no matter how disciplined they are.

It doesn't mean they're going to cheat, but you're not setting your relationship up for success.

You're setting it up for more of an ability for someone else to get in or distractions or whatever it might be.

Yeah.

And so you just got to be mindful of that.

You've got to be really mindful, I think.

Otherwise, or just communicate.

Hey, I'm not really feeling right now and something's going on in my body.

And I just need like a couple of weeks or whatever it is.

I was just going to say communicating it.

Yes.

Hey, I'm going through stuff right now, but there's other ways we can be intimate.

Like, I don't want us to lose the intimacy.

Other ways to be intimate.

And the thing is that it is true sometimes all of the things that I just mentioned, I'm tired, the kids, and all the, we don't have kids yet, but I know

you can be exhausted at certain times.

It's not those things.

But when the gap is too.

When it's manipulation, though, it's more like power.

When it's manipulation,

or when it's too much,

that gap is actually too much.

And then it becomes a little bit dangerous.

Because also,

I think,

like I said,

when you're creating this covenant of marriage, you are committing yourself to that person.

You are.

You are.

Otherwise, don't get married.

Exactly.

You're committing yourself to that person.

But if that person is not fulfilling their vows,

because being intimate with each other is part of fulfilling the vows.

When that person is not fulfilling their vows, I think it leads to a conversation with a therapist, with a priest, with somebody that can guide you to that.

You know, there's something deeper happening in there that we don't know what it is because we don't, you know.

And that's why I go back to, you know,

the beginning of like knowing that we both had a growth mindset or a reflective mindset.

It's like, hey, I'm willing to look at myself in the mirror if something's off and say, how can I improve?

Or how can I take a look at this and see things differently and find that adjustment to make sure our relationship's working.

And that made me feel safe knowing you were in the same position that we are both in this position so it's like when stuff comes up like that it's really having the conversation and learning how to manage the conflict with like calm resolution and then create agreements around it yes and it might be seasonal so it's it's yeah intimacy married intimacy is a big one there's two final things that we went through with this process yes

and after we share these two final things i'm going to share both of these big uh announcements these surprises so stay tuned for that in a moment.

But the next one was dreams, goals, and decision-making.

Yes.

And it's talking about, you know, how to

communicate, get clear, and be in alignment on each other's dreams, goals, and decision-making.

Because when you're getting married, you know, there's two individuals with their own either careers, goals, dreams, things they've overcome, and visions they have for the future.

And when two come together to create a unity, a family,

it's I communicated early on about like, this is my dreams, this is my goal, this is the season of life I'm in right now.

And I don't know if this is going to be 10 years, 20 years, two years, I don't know, but this is where I'm heading.

And I want to make sure you're cool with that, meaning the lifestyle I have, which sometimes I'm traveling a lot.

Sometimes I'm speaking on stage, sometimes there's a lot of people around.

Sometimes I'm interviewing people.

Sometimes I'm not.

Sometimes whatever.

Sometimes you're writing.

Sometimes

your dream that you have right now is fantastic.

Exactly.

You know, it's like, I've got a plan to go to the Olympics in the future, and that's going to take me traveling a lot.

It's like...

It's going to take us traveling together and just supporting that dream.

Absolutely.

Is that

something you're alignment?

And I also know that you make movies.

You usually make two or three movies a year.

That's between eight to 10 weeks at a time.

And you're going to be traveling.

It's like, am I cool with that?

Am I cool with either not seeing you for a couple weeks at a time because I'm going to need to be present here, traveling back and forth, vice versa?

Is that a lifestyle that I'm cool with?

Yeah.

Because if it's not, and it's a big no-no, and I never want to travel, and you're always traveling, then that lifestyle conflict, that dream and goal conflict is going to create a conflictive relationship.

Yeah.

And also the decision, the decision-making, I think, is important because another thing that I think

is beautiful that

we do and we started implementing is

what your dreams are, they are also my dreams.

Yes.

What my dreams are, they're also your dreams.

I mean, obviously we're two individuals and you have your dreams of, you know, playing handball and you know doing all these things.

And I have my own dreams.

But what happens is when we're sharing them with each other, because we are together choosing each other as as husband and wife.

Our dreams.

They become our dreams.

And then we discuss them.

Like I remember this time, this was a long time ago, but I had, I was going to go for a project that was going to shoot in South Africa.

And I was really close in the audition process.

Yes.

Really?

I just don't want to say the project because like, but I'll tell you after a while.

And I didn't remember South Africa.

Okay.

Yeah, because at the time we didn't know it was going to shoot in South Africa, but potentially it was going to be either Australia or someplace far west.

And

I remember we had a conversation about it.

It would have taken me nine months, between eight to nine months to shoot that thing there.

And I called my manager and I said, I know they're between me and another girl.

I don't want to take it.

Yeah.

Because we discussed this, like, does it work for our life and the way we are?

setting up our foundation and to me it was worth not doing it it wasn't a big enough dream project It wasn't like, this is the project I've always wanted to do.

But even if it was, that's the thing.

When you make a decision, that's the decision we make together.

So there's no point later into turning around saying, remember that thing that I let go because of that.

No, no, no.

We made the decision together, and it was a good decision.

I was a piece.

You were a piece with it.

Exactly.

You weren't like, I really want to do this, but I have to sacrifice for this.

No.

You were like, it's okay if I don't.

Because you also had lots of options.

You have this other project and this other movie.

Even the movies I produce myself, I can choose, the schedule when I'm doing it.

Maybe if it was eight weeks, it would have been different, but nine months, you're like, oh, that doesn't make sense.

Yeah.

So it's coming up with the decision-making and again, agreements around that.

And

with your dreams.

Absolutely.

You came back from the Olympics and said, Hey, this is I want to go to the Olympics.

I want to go to the Olympics.

And you also knew

that I always wanted to go.

Yes.

So it was like, you knew that I'm going to do stuff like this.

Yeah.

Which is, by the way, the beauty of sharing life together.

Who am I to say, no, you can't.

Wait a second, but we have you know this and this and

no, we're this is this is why we're choosing to be together from our freedom,

from our freedom.

So it's like you you are excited about this dream.

I'm excited about that dream.

Is it going to take us to Spain and going somewhere?

Okay, we'll go.

That's what we're doing.

That's what we are doing.

Yes.

You know, so that part I think it's obviously we're we have only been married for three months but we've been using it for all the time and all the years we've been in our relationship exactly and i think it's important foundation absolutely yeah the last thing is about spirituality and kind of bringing it home so they started with again a candle ceremony and kind of setting the stage for the weekend and then we went through all these different exercises role-playing.

They did breakout sessions with small groups so we could say, oh, why do you think that way?

And why do you think that way?

And kind of get these different couples' opinions as well, which I thought was interesting.

We did a lot of games where it's like we sat back to back, and it was like, raise your hand if you think this way, and raise your hand if you think this way.

And it was like, raise your hand if you know

your significant other has that.

Raise your hand if you know that it was interesting to see also other couples.

That's a lot of people that didn't know their stuff yet.

Yeah.

And so all these kind of exercises and games and role-playing really allowed you to get to know your partner more who you're engaged with, about to get married married to.

That's why I think it's important to do stuff like this before engagement.

Yes.

Because if your chemicals of love are saying, this is the woman I want to be with, the man of my dreams, because we've had whatever, fun vacations together and he makes me feel good or she makes me feel great.

And you don't do a lot of this stuff, you're just going to be heartbroken when you're married.

Because you're going to have such a high expectation that they can never meet.

And you're going to feel frustration after frustration after resentment after resentment and then one day you're gonna wake up looking at the person saying why did i fall in love with this person why do i love this person because you haven't chosen to understand everything about them or at least 80 90

and say do i accept all of them do i accept all of them and can i love all the parts of them not just the part of the fantasy world you know the romance or when they're happy can i accept this person also when they're frustrated yeah exactly well they do these things when they're frustrated Well, this is who they are.

Can you accept it?

Can you accept that?

It doesn't mean you have to love it or like it, but can you accept it?

Yeah.

So the spirituality part was kind of like bringing it all home.

Go ahead.

And the spirituality part also was about how to raise children.

Was it?

In spirituality.

Meaning, like, because that's a big,

you know,

I have certain friends that are dating somebody from a completely different faith.

Well, that's a conversation.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, because if they're really hardcore that faith, which is good, then, but if they're, it's completely different from yours,

how are you going to raise kids?

100% come to those agreements.

Like, talk about it.

Like, if it's not as important for you, but still talk about how you're going to raise children.

Right.

That's right.

Exactly.

And a lot of it was spirituality in the home.

How's your relationship going to be with spirituality, raising kids with spirituality, all those things?

Yeah.

Which brings me to the first

surprise.

Would you like to share?

The first surprise?

The first two.

I don't know which one's the second one.

So say the first one.

Okay.

I'll say the second one.

You go ahead.

Okay.

So

I'm pregnant.

Ah,

yay.

We are having a family together.

A bigger family too.

Yes.

So that's the big, the big announcement.

Yeah.

Or made you guys wait a couple hours to hear it, but

you're pregnant and maybe we'll talk more about it later in another episode, but that's just something we wanted to share with people here.

I mean, at this point, we've already probably posted about it online,

but we've been, you know, quiet about it for a few months.

So

it's a big surprise.

I mean, it's not a surprise.

We were planning this, but it's a surprise to people.

Emotional.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

So

that's the surprise that I was sharing before.

And

that's the first one.

It's a good surprise.

Great surprise.

Yes, it's a good surprise that we're sharing for.

I mean, it's not a surprise for us.

Exactly.

It's a good announcement.

Yes.

And I think all this that we went through, this pre-marriage counseling, this whole process, although it takes time, it takes energy, it takes patience, it takes frustrating conversations to work through them.

It's not like this fun, oh, we're going on the beach this weekend.

It's like, oh, you're going in, you're diving in, you're having conversations about stuff that's messier.

Although it is all those things.

It created such a great foundation for us to get married the way we got married.

Yes.

And for you to get pregnant and to feel like there's safety, there's like peace, there's harmony, there's agreements when there's challenges.

You know, we know how to resolve conflict.

So we're not living in like this stressful chaos.

It's like we've done a lot of the work, we've come together.

And again, we're not speaking from a place of like,

we're married for 20 years and we figured this process out.

No, no.

It's more of

We feel like we've had to learn through challenges and adversity and a lot of ups for the first few years of like how to set a foundation and create a process that works for both of us to come together to get married.

Yes.

And this is what works for us.

I wanted to ask you something.

Yes.

How do you feel?

I feel very good.

About becoming a parent.

I feel good.

Again, I told you yesterday, I was like, it hasn't really hit me yet.

I mean, it's hit me, but I don't think it's going to hit me until like...

I see your belly like really big and probably like the day it happens.

Then I'm going to be like, holy, this is really happening.

Yeah.

So I'm excited, but I'm more in mode of like, I got to get more done.

I got to get ahead.

I got to plan.

I got to like produce, create, provide.

I'm more like, all right, let's go.

You know, I'm like thinking ahead of the future.

And

so

it's very exciting, but I'm also,

you know, it's not in my body.

So it's more, I'm like, I'll never know what that feels like.

I mean, I've been feeling it at different moments, but I didn't feel the marriage until like really like the day before or something, you know, and I was like, oh, this is happening.

Yeah.

Even the day of, I was like playing pickleball in Mexico and I was like, oh, I guess I'm getting married tonight.

But it was that evening, the church wedding, those were all like, oh, the day of, okay, this is happening.

But no, I'm feeling it.

I'm feeling excited, but I'm just not physically feeling it.

No, well, obviously you're not physically feeling.

I'm feeling it.

So I'm not feeling the range of like emotions and hormones and all these things that you feel every moment, but I'm excited.

Yes.

But it's, we still have time.

We still have time.

So I got to prepare my mind.

I got to get my resources together and get ready.

So that's where I'm at.

But that's,

that's the announcement and the surprise.

Our family is expanding.

Expanding.

You're an amazing wife.

I love you.

You're an amazing husband.

We've got so many things we could talk about in future episodes and like, you know, the pre-nump situation, why it was important for you to change your last name, like all these things to create a stronger foundation and a stronger unity for us that works for us.

And so whatever you guys want to hear about next, let us know in the comments below.

Let us know what you enjoyed most from this conversation.

Again, I feel like we just scratched the surface.

We're almost two hours in for one episode.

Okay.

And I think this is a good place to start.

There was a lot of additional topics and reflection that we also went through, which is around like your family, my family, our family, planning for kids, living together.

There's like so much around like moving in and living together that most people don't understand.

Agreements, disagreements, all these different things.

But this was a good start, I think, for people.

And it was a great start for us before getting married because, again, it just made us feel, it made me feel more at peace.

And I think I always had fear around marriage growing up because I just didn't feel like I had a good model of it.

You had a great model with your parents.

They're incredible.

They're still together 40 years later married and they're happy.

And so for me, it was like I really needed to feel at peace and safety.

I needed to feel like someone wasn't going to sweep the rug underneath me and like say, oh, I say I love and accept you.

And then we're married.

And now change this, do this.

I don't like this.

Blah, blah, blah.

And I was just like, I'm not living that life, you know, because I've lived it too many times.

So for me, having someone who's growth-minded, someone who's...

got a regulated nervous system and that knows how to manage their their emotions was big for me.

And it's something you have that you do beautifully.

And so I'm very grateful to try my best not every day I'm like but most of the time most of the time but it's all right I'm not either

but I appreciate you I'm grateful for you I love you I'm excited for our life I'm grateful that we got married that we're having a family yes and hopefully

this conversation is helpful for people yes you know hopefully it is again we don't have all the answers we're not experts at marriage and also this is what works for us that doesn't mean it's going to work for everybody else But I feel like,

you know,

together, being together, but also like I,

you led us in this beautiful path of how we're going to set up the foundation.

Because a lot of the things that we did were your ideas that you wanted to bring to the table.

Things that I fantasized about doing, you know,

back in the day with whomever was going to be my husband, but I never thought, oh, I'm going to meet a man that he's going to to want to do this work like yeah on his own which i was really happy about like including like the first time we went to mass together it's because it was your idea i said hey let's go to church i was like oh my god and i've never been to mass and never been to a catholic church but i knew you were raised that way so i wanted to like explore it for you yeah and say okay if this is meaning for you for you i'm willing to try it yeah doesn't mean i'm gonna commit to this forever but i'm willing to explore and try things and see what it feels like and i think it's a combination also because you know you we do this with each other.

If I see things that you're doing that bring you joy and peace, I'm like, not only go for it, but also, oh, I'd like to try that too.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

It's like, because we see that the outcome of these things is more joy, more peace, more fun, more

curiosity about life and exploring and like, and

more of setting up a foundation.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love you.

I'm grateful for you.

I am grateful for you.

Great for you.

I appreciate you.

You're an amazing

amazing wife.

If you guys enjoyed this, share below what you want to hear more of.

Make sure to subscribe to Martha's channel as well, Infinitos on YouTube.

Follow her on Instagram.

It's still your...

former name, Martha Iguadea.

But in the future, we'll start switching those things around.

But check her out.

Follow her.

If you wanted us to do more of this, let us know.

This was fun.

This is the first time in like a year and a half almost.

Yes.

Because people loved the last episode we did, the last two episodes we did.

And I feel like we've learned so much in the last year and a half from this process, going through all these books and workbooks and workshops and relationship mentors.

So I think we should share that.

We've both experienced in the past similar relationships that brought us to, you know, we're both not to say anything about, you know, the people we're with because we chose them.

So many people are there outside that are in a very codependent relationship.

So like if you want us to to share, how was it for us, how to, you know, not break from that, but like inside of you, how to break free

inside of you from those things in order to

find

and build together a healthier love.

Absolutely.

And I think that, you know,

that would be really fun to share.

Let's do it.

You guys want more?

Let us know.

Hey, Amo, I love you.

You're amazing.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy.

And if you are looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to MakeMoneyEasyBook.com right now and get yourself a copy.

I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.

And if you want weekly, exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts.

Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well.

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And I want to remind you: if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

And now it's time to go out there and do something

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