Bonus Episode 39 PREVIEW: The Ford Pinto

I don't know where to stick the sin, so I figured it is definitely a carefree car, as demonstrated by the fact that this morning I received a Twitter DM from my mom.

Oh, no.

Um,

which I will now read out.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was in the back seat of a Pinto, and the people in the front seat decided to be a fun to go down Thrill Hill, pronounced Thrill Hill,

in Buna Vista, Virginia.

It's a steep downhill road.

You start at the top and go down as fast as you can until you hit the bump at the bottom, and then you're airborne.

We got pretty decent airtime.

I would have enjoyed it a lot more if we had been in a different model of car.

Yeah, this is the thing, right?

Like, you're trying to, like, this is how car manufacturers have been able to, like, square this circle of, like, the small subcompact, is to make it fun, right?

And Ford is kind of like, it tries to do this.

It takes a while to dial it in.

The, like, carefree thing is an attempt at that.

I will also say one of the slogans that they later had to take out off the marketing campaign was, Pinto gives you that warm feeling.

It gives you a feeling that you just shit yourself.

Yeah.

That would be a refried pinto, yeah.

Lucky guess.

Oh, my God.

I haven't pooped my pants in quite a while.

It's coming for all of us again in old age.

So, you know, just make your peace with that.

That's why I'm basically ready to be a dad because as I was explaining to Corid, poop just does not bother me.

This is the thing,

you have this age where, like, first, you know, the four ages of man, I guess, you shit yourself, you don't shit yourself, you watch your kids shit themselves, and then you shit yourself again.

What shits itself at night, doesn't shit itself during the day, and shits itself in the morning.

The trick is shitting other people.

Yeah,

you seldom shit anyone else's pants, do you?

Oh, darn it, you don't know me.

The rare transitive shit.

If we go to the next slide, I will also say, as far as fun goes,

they did a sports trim one model year.

The sports accent group.

You could get this on a Mustang, you could get this on a Maverick, or you could get this on a Pinto.

I will also say that this still pales in comparison to the AMC Javelins sport package, which was jeans.

What?

You get a Levi's denim gremlin.

You get the dremlin.

Oh, the dremel shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would, like, literally kill for the jeans gremlin.

Adremlin.

The jeans gremlin sounds like something that you start seeing once you take 400 milligrams of Adderall and you work in a Levi's store.

It came with denim seats.

Get that denim on denim on denim feeling as you wear your Canadian tuxedo to drive your gremlin.

Yeah, no, it had like Levi, Levi's badging.

It's the coolest, like, like, that's the thing.

Again, like, the Pinto, cool.

That's great and all.

Gremlin, much cooler.

You get into like a low-speed accident and just going off the seat, you like rug burn your entire asshole off.

You just get sanded.

You get your ass de-gloved.

Getting your ass kicked by the sales rep.

It looks like right here from the logo, you're going to get your ass kicked by the horse.

Probably in the chip.

It really does look like a car that's been kicked in the head by a horse, yeah.

But it's you could get like an orange or avocado, like dual color situation like that, and like

nicer seats, um, and like a different probably around the hill.

This would probably be really good on three oil heel.

Yeah, three heel, yeah, on three o'hill.

Uh, If we go to the next slide, again, I've picked like pictures of sad pintos.

Sad old pintos.

That looks like a car from GTA to start with.

Now you can say it.

You were saying, Pinto,

you're a fraud.

The thing is, I can do it.

I just was choosing not to to annoy you.

And I was being gracious, but so driving the pintos.

Let's make it a quacum.

This pinto,

as you can see here, one of the key aspects of inventing fun was inventing the hatchback.

And Ford didn't know how to do this yet.

So the early models just had an enclosed trunk and it gives it this effect of a really fat ass.

Because it's so long over

here.

Some of us like that.

Genuine.

I want to slap this car's ass.

It's incredible.

They did ultimately, though, if we go to the next slide, invent fun

and this rules.

This is rules the hatchback um it looks it looks like it it it looks like

this is this is the uh budget a team van

yeah the b team the b team

yeah keep going down the alphabet baby

you can you can tell the level of like uh thought i've put into all of this by the fact that we're moving through these slides pretty quickly if you go to the next one because you could get it as a fan this thing is

look at her this thing is oh

yeah

people have done gay things in this people have done straight things in this i mean we lost beautiful the first colour just the whole i mean you know today you only get one color on your car and this one has like five colors yeah

five dude yeah this thing slaps Yeah, like you could genuinely walk into a car dealership and buy one of these and the question would be like, what color do you want the stripes?

Of course, I never asked about a car.

We used to be a real country.

We used to, I mean, this is what they took from you.

The second I get a car, whatever it is, I'm putting someone on it.

Uh, next slide, please.

It does.

This is just a magazine ad that I include, simply to say, you will never be this happy.

You will never have this anymore.

The liberals took it out.

I do actually know a guy who's got a um

a basically it's an old 70s van with a bunch of shag carpet inside.

Oh, yeah.

And I do, I don't, I can't confirm this, but I do suspect he gets the most laid of anyone I've ever met.

Look at the fucking.

It's just got the little bubble windows and everything on it.

It's so good.

It just rotate to the back so that you could, as it says, easy living.

Which is Ford copy for getting your dick sucked.

Fucking.

Fucking and sucking and sucking and fucking.

Yes.

We're the first.

So the pizza comes out of this.

It's guarantee.

You will get fucked in this van.

Or do the fucking, whatever you like.

Please just give us $3,500.

We need it so bad.

Cruising wagon.

I mean, it's what more could you possibly ask?

It's like good Big Bill Hell.

Like, if instead of Big Bill Hell being aggressively like, we're going to fuck you, it's like sensuous.

Like, we're going to fuck you.

Make love to you.

Oh, Baltimore.

Hello, Baltimore.

Everyone's getting laid tonight.

It's big deal.

But yeah, so the Pinto was like pretty well received, as it turned out.

People liked it.

Like the brakes were a little bit underpowered was one of the complaints.

You get the four-wheel discs.

They're fine.

You got to go for the upgrade package.

That's why you have automotive journalists.

We tell you what options to get.

You got like You can just buy the base model.

Ford claimed you got like 23 miles per gallon on this,

which is not bad.

I mean, to be fair also, though, you got to remember that EPA standards have changed.

So a 70 is 23 miles a gallon is like a 2020 is 17.

Meanwhile, the Civic was getting a 70s, 42 miles a gallon.

Yeah, but like on the other hand,

it's got stripes on it.

And if you buy a Civic, you have to know

depressing things.

You look at this and

all of our incredible improvements and engine efficiency and so on and so forth are all went to making cars heavier as opposed to making them more, get better violet mileage.

Yeah, yeah.

Or making them look better for that matter.

Well, and then there's the whole way that the footprint rule worked out so that the EPA actually like kind of they just released their new

efficiency guidelines through 2030, I think, which is where Joe Brandon said he's going to kill the gasoline car and he's going to beat up all the conservatives who won't drive EVs.

That was the popular thing.

It was actually a watered-down version of what most environmentalists actually wanted.

But in that 800-something page report, the EPA kind of is like, hey, we're really sorry that we killed all the small cars.

Everybody told us this at the time when we came out with the rules in 2011.

And looking back, it turns out they were right.

We did.

We could do it.

So whoopsies

i hope you like 7 500 pedestrian fatalities a year do like a whole go yourself probably

on like epa regulations that backfired

well the thing is also like that is i mean i know more about that than i know about anything else because i've written a bunch of articles about it so i we we can just do it right now we don't even need slides i'll just fucking go it's fine i i i i'm gonna slide

where's the spreadsheet i gotta write this down before i forget as i usually do.

Oh, God.

Jesus.

We have so many episodes planned.

Just let me write another book really quick.

Look at his desktop.

Jesus Christ.

No,

I don't know where the

spreadsheet is.

Go to the next slide.

Go to the next slide.

Oh, yeah.

Hold on.

I just found

the next slide.

The next slide.

Go to the next slide.

Go to the next slide.

Go to the next slide.

Go to the next slide.

Thank you.