Breaking the Cycle of Burnout & Stress

welcome to the you come podcast i'm your host sarah jolly jervis and today i am joined by the very lovely jen wilson and she's going to introduce us up in just a moment we're going to be talking around overwhelm and the kind of busy being busy society that we tend to find ourselves in so jen over to you to start off with please yourself to us. Hello, I'm Jen and I help women who are overwhelmed and burnt out to get organised, take back control and start living a joyful, happy life again.
And then that's the kind of crux of it, isn't it? Is it actually fun? Are you actually happy and enjoying life when you are running around, feeling overwhelmed, feeling super busy? and I think when we really search for it most of us are like no it's actually not it's not that nice it's not that fun no it's no fun at all so Jen tell us a little bit about what got you into this my own personal experience I was chronically stressed for over a decade and in that time I experienced two burnouts so originally brought on by work a really stressful job but then not having anyone really to tell me it wasn't normal to feel that way nobody to guide me and say what I could or couldn't do so I just kind of got on the best I could with life although looking back now I wasn't really getting on very well with it at all but I just muddled my way through being being chronically stressed for a really long time I didn't realize at the time but looking back I realized that now and then I hit my second burnout as a business owner and and that came about when my son was only four and that was really my turning point because it was just really significantly impacting my relationship with him and I just thought what am I doing this has got to stop so I promised myself from that point on that I was never ever going to allow myself to burn out again and I started making lots of changes there was a lot of trial and error of trying to find ways to manage my stress for the long term to avoid hitting burnout again I then worked with the coach myself because I got so far that I felt better but there was still something missing so I got some additional support and it was during that time that I had a light bulb moment and I thought hey do you know what I could I could retrain and I other people, help other women. And that's my mission now really is to help other women so they don't have to suffer alone like I did.
And what was missing? Can you kind of express that better now? You felt better, but there was just something not quite still fitting. Yeah, it's still quite hard to put into words.
So I made a of changes so I put a lot of boundaries in place as a business owner I wasn't very good at that at one point you feel like you've got to be there all the time to please everyone especially when your business is quite new yeah so I didn't have boundaries I was always rushing my son to bed because I had work to do looking back I was so stressed I was incredibly unproductive so although I was working really long hours I wasn't actually achieving very much at all so boundaries was one sort of saying no asking for help more from family and adding that self-care in trying to take better care of myself so all those things added up to feeling better but I was still really really I call it unsettled I just something was just amiss my mind was racing it just went 100 miles an hour all day every day I didn't know whether to do my business whether to get a job whether to do this whether to do that it was just yeah it was a really strange time when I started working with a coach what I realized was missing was mindset and we spent a lot of time working on mindset which I'll say now is still ongoing it's probably one of the hardest things to address I can see why it's the last thing I address it wasn't a conscious decision I didn't actually know a lot about mindset then I didn't really know a lot about it but I learned from Rachel my coach that's what it was yeah and interestingly when I went on to do my training when I decided to retrain as a as an holistic wellness coach there's all these elements of wellness and as I went through my training I realized that in my own way I'd muddled my way through all of them over the years and mindset was one of those was one of those things and that was definitely the missing piece for me so and mind it's everyone else mindset is massive you know like you can be so skilled I've seen some really really talented people whose heads just have not been in the right place to make the most of those talents and it's it's really frustrating to see and it's like people want to be skilling themselves all the time and they don't realize that actually they've got the skills they need it's just their head needs to be in a different place looking at things differently and that's really hard to do on your own yeah and I think as well well I don't think I know when you stress that looking back now I know that mindset's really impacted because you you get into this really negative thought spiral and that you can't you can't break free from and as the stress continues and things continue to get worse that negative thought spiral gets worse and worse and you get stuck in that really bad place with your mindset so you kind of got to almost dig your way back out which is hard work isn't it I mean that's the thing is is whenever you think about mindset stuff like as you said it's kind of always ongoing there's always stuff to tweak and improve and everything else but it's like it's it's not easy no it's really not and you've got to unlearn things that you've you've learned yes learning that you didn't even know you were learning yeah and it's coping behaviors that you take on that you don't know you've taken on that you've taken on to try and manage the stress they're actually not very good coping behaviors and you've almost got to relearn relearn them it is it is challenging yeah but so when you do it so thinking about the whole because I said at the beginning like we have this culture

of everyone's being quite you know people quite stressed they're quite overwhelmed like that the word overwhelm I I use so often in in my own house and even the kids will be like mommy's overwhelmed but you know but like you know what why do we how do we get ourselves in this situation? Life. Life's busy, isn't it? I think overwhelm and stress, both those words are thrown around, aren't they? Like people say it flippantly.
I'm so overwhelmed or I'm so stressed. But it's actually really quite serious, especially when it impacts your day to day.
And I think that's the thing is it's knowing that when you are this isn't a good place to stay no it definitely isn't and I think that I was just talking to someone today when when you're there when you're in there you're just trying to get through each day you're just trying to survive yeah don't really stop to evaluate what you're doing and how you feel and you know it feels pretty awful because you're not particularly enjoying every day and having fun in life but you don't have the time to stop and evaluate what you're doing that's making you feel like that because you literally are just trying to get through the day I think it's quite scary isn't it you know like it's frightening to face up to what might be causing that because it I don't know I think it's easy to get ourselves into a situation where you feel like actually it doesn't like I've got no choice you know like if if it's my kids that are making me overwhelmed and it's my job that's making me overwhelmed well I need my job and I have my children and I you know neither of them are going anywhere and so it's like what am I going to do once I know what's going on yeah it's one of the biggest mistakes women. They think that it's just the way life is and it's just the way life has to be.
So I've just got to get on with it. Yeah.
Get on, get on. That's the card you've been dealt sort of thing.
And I think also there's an element of feeling like, like it's a reflection on us that we can't deal with it because you look around like social media

is not helpful with this but you look around at other people and they seem to really have it together you know like you have the odd one who videos themselves crying on the internet but in general people look like they're on it and they're doing all these things and their houses are all great and everything else and so it feels like it's a reflection on you that you're not able to do this absolutely and nobody wants to admit like that they aren't coping you feel like you're a failure like everybody else is getting on just fine so why aren't I well I'll let you into a little secret everyone else isn't just getting on just fine everyone's really good at putting a front on and I am one of those people because I used to put a front on and it was only really close family that actually knew how serious things were people at work when I was first signed off when I first had the first burnout they had no clue they were like whoa where's Jen gone what's going on because I just put this front on that everything was fine and we all every woman that I work with does that I've got a friend you would have no idea she's so outgoing so happy she's always laughing but underneath it's a mess and we're made to feel like we can't say that life's hard or we're not coping or we need some help because like you said society is like programmed us to believe that that's that's not allowed like it's not it's not allowed you shouldn't be a failure and it's normal like it's this is this is the normal and i think that's the thing is is when you look at different generations actually people used to take longer to do tasks like it's all so much quicker now you're fitting so much more in in. And there's that.
I've read some sort of, there was some sort of statistic on like you can now, at your fingertips, you've got more information than people used to have in a lifetime, which you can access just there and then thanks to the internet and everything else. We're processing so much more than our ancestors ever used to.
Yeah, my mum actually asked me the she was trying to she said to me why is everybody so stressed nowadays you know like what's different I gave up that conversation quite quick because I couldn't quite put it into words to explain to me like pretty much what you've said yeah but I couldn't find the words to put across to her that yes women are still being mums like they were but then they're going to work but it's all that other stuff that piles on top of it that makes it so much worse there is there's just so much information there's just it's the noise the world is so noisy it's a noisy world isn't it yeah and i think what comes from that is all these things that especially as a parent that you should be doing this and you should be doing that and oh well i better stop doing that because it might cause some damage to my child when he's older and oh how should I start behaving and oh I should do that and then before you know it you've added all this other stuff on on your plate that you've got to deal with and you're already overwhelmed like that adds to the negativity you were feeling because you already feel like you're failing and then you're failing at all this other stuff that all these people online tell you that you should be doing yeah it's it's it's a lot isn't it it's a lot it's overwhelming and I think that's the thing is it's I because I was in the in last week's episode I was sharing kind of changes that I've made with my business in the episode before that we were talking around planning and looking at like what you want to achieve in the next year and you can do that as a business owner or not but it was when we sat down to do the plan was when I realized how much I was expecting myself to do in still the same amount of time as I'd failed to do things so far going forwards and it was like actually something has to give and and I think that's the thing is is sometimes we can't like I you can comes from the idea that you can you can have it all you can do it all but it's understanding what your all is and and it's prioritizing and I sat there with what I wanted as my all and I realized actually that isn't that isn't feasible it's not doable if I want to do things well. And I think that was a really, I was impressed with myself that I'd actually done that because I think we so often we just plow on and we're like, oh yeah, it makes no sense.
Don't know where I'm going to magic that time. And we say it, I hear people say, I don't know how I'm going to magic that time out from, from nowhere, but you know, I've got this, this, and this to do.
And so I'm just going just gonna have to crack on and do it and it's like we kind of set ourselves up for the stress for the failure for the overwhelm for the anxiety before we've even started yeah we place too many expectations on ourselves yeah straight away and I don't care anybody says something has to give if you're overwhelmed something somewhere has to give because if it doesn't nothing's ever going to be any different right and it's like you said before like you know you can you can take on these things and you can pretend to to be being all right but you're actually being really unproductive, and it's negatively impacting you physically and emotionally in the process. Yeah, massively, yeah.
I achieve more now in less time. I work a heck of a lot less hours, and I achieve a lot more, because I'm not completely stressed and overwhelmed all the time and I look back the hours I was working and what I was actually producing was laughable now I was like what was I doing I felt like I was working so hard you know but nothing was really happening no because the the stuff wasn't flowing and you weren't actually able to think straight no okay so how did do people know what's normal? So we're talking about, oh, you know, like we're normalizing.
And you're right. Like people do like, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed.
And it's like, it's just a normal thing we say. And actually, before we started recording, we were talking about like the whole I'm busy.
You know, like my default for anybody used to be, you know, how's things? Or how are you? I'd be like, know busy yeah and everyone would be like oh yeah yeah yeah i'm busy too i'm so busy and it's and it's it was like that we feel like i think as business owners as well but also in employment you feel like oh if i'm busy i'm i'm doing a good job i'm doing well i definitely feel like I think as an employee you have to justify what you're being paid to do yeah and I think I know me for me as a business owner it's like well who's she floating around going for all these walks like you know she's sat at a desk working really hard so you've got to say I'm busy I'm working really hard I don't anymore by the way but that was how I used to feel because as a business owner surely you've got to work yeah every hour God sends to get to get what you want well I think there is that when people that you've got two camps with it the people are going it's really hard it's a massive slog you've got to do like 80 hour weeks which I was like well that doesn't not going to work is it and then you've got the other lot going oh you know I just you know it's like three hours a week and I'm a multi-millionaire um which also doesn't work um and so it's kind of that's the thing is it's difficult isn't it to see because I struggle like I haven't got my mum used to work but she didn't work like like we do with the you know it was just a different it was a different world so you're struggling with like reference points of people who are doing it who are doing it in a healthy way yeah and I don't think there's there's no absolute right or wrong because everybody's limits are different and everybody operates differently don't they so what might stress really stress one person somebody else could just sail through it and that that was really easy but I think like knowing when it's too much there's sort of like key things to look out for in terms of how you're feeling whether it's like physically mentally or emotionally over overwhelm is caused by all these daily what I call the micro stressors all these little things so when we think of stress it can be like a really big event can't it I don't know maybe there's an accident and somebody's seriously injured that's really stressful and we have the stress response to cope with what's happening and get through it that's like normal but then once that event has passed and things are okay the body's back to a calm state and the job's done you know go back to survival mode chased by a tiger stress response kicks in you get to safety you get to your cage you say body goes back to calm yeah the way we live now we're exposed from the minute our alarm goes off in the morning because the alarms are micro stressor in itself is it not when that starts you know from the minute we get up to the minute we go to bed we're exposed to micro stresses all the time so from messages emails phone pinging getting the kids to school doing this doing that there's just something every second of the day isn't there it's just constant it's just a constant onslaught of things happening and throw in the mix a few more stressful things than your day-to-day and then that adds on to the top of that because you're already you're already at your limit just trying to get through the day and if you like that day in day out that leads to chronic stress because your body's constantly preparing for that fight or flight for all those little stressful things which means your body your nervous system's just constantly on with adrenaline and cortisol which is like really bad for your health you never get the downtime you never get the time to stop and take a breath or do anything to like calm your nervous system yeah and that's the difference that's that's what i call bad stress when you're constantly switched on as opposed to that big event where stress is on stress is off it's done's done. And like some of the danger signs, obviously feeling overwhelmed is one,

but you might sort of feel irritable and impatient a lot of the time.

Racing thoughts, like you can't switch off,

which is one of those I mentioned earlier.

Constantly worried or tense, problems, sleeping, digestive problems is one,

constipation, diarrhea, stomach pains, and then things like finding it hard to make decisions being forgetful and finding it hard to concentrate they're like real sort of key warning signs that something's not right you've been overwhelmed for far too long and the thing is is if you carry on on that trajectory like what is the what is the potential the potential is that you'll burn out so you'll just get to the point where you've got nothing left to give and I can tell you what that feels like because I've experienced it 20 years and burnout really so for me physically this is my interpretation if Google it, you'll get different ways of reading what it is.

But my interpretation, how I experienced it physically, you're just so utterly exhausted.

It's it's a challenge to get through the day.

Like you can literally just get through the day.

Emotionally, I would say that you don't feel anything much about anything or anyone.

I know when the first time Muslim said to me, how would you feel if something happened to the dogs? And I just shrugged my shoulders. That's quite serious.
You know how much I love my dogs. There was just nothing there.
I can't even put into words how it felt now. And mentally, you just can't take anything else in in I remember being at my job before I was signed off and people would speak to me and I could see the mouths move couldn't tell you a word that said and I told my doctor and he said you just you just can't take anymore your body is just shutting down so that's what burnout feels like and and I'd like to say that burnout takes a really really long time to recover from it's not like oh well let's get signed off for a few months I'll go on holiday for a couple of weeks it's taking I mean some people might hit burnout quicker if there's been a really serious stressful event but for most people it's over a period of time so if you think how long it's taken you to get to that point you've got to think how long it's going to take you to undo do it which is a bit like the learning of new habits isn't it it's like i've programmed myself to do this and then you've been doing that and reiterating it for years upon years which is what i said earlier you've almost got to in a way reprogram and you haven't purposely

developed bad coping habits it's just they just kind of evolve on their own as you're trying to get through what you're getting through it's not until you well not until you stop i can't even say that it's when you kind of got through and look back you're like yeah that didn't really that didn't really serve me but just quickly for people who are wondering signs of burning out withdrawing from people so you might just not want to see people go out can't be bothered just kind of shut yourself off from the world a bit being uninterested in life generally and like losing enjoyment in things that you once did enjoy um muscular aches and pains headaches i had a headache every single day for two years they kept thinking it would go away and it never did that was the build-up um feeling detached that utter exhaustion no no no amount of rest or sleep helps you feel any more energized and just kind of feeling a bit defeated with life they're real classic signs that that you're burning out yeah and then what so what should they do if they find and and you do have a resource on this don't you yeah i've got a quiz that helps people identify how stress is affecting them so it'll either say no you're not stressed you're absolutely fine or yes you need some help and there's a bit in between as well but it just it asks question based based around how people are thinking and feeling and behaving and it gives you a really good indication because if anything like me I I didn't know I didn't know what stress was like I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what and I thought something was really seriously wrong with me but I couldn't pinpoint anything to go to the doctor yeah and I stumbled across an article on stress that listed all the symptoms and I had them all and I remember being like yes I'm just stressed like rather naively looking back oh it's only that you know stress was really rather foolish but at the time I was so relieved that I had nothing what I thought wasn't seriously wrong looking back I now know it was seriously wrong but I just I didn't have something else seriously wrong I felt relieved but then as the years went by and and now I know how that affected me long term physically mentally emotionally I'm trying to help women get to that before it gets beyond as it did for me I want I want I really want women to understand and be aware so much earlier on than I was and I think that's the thing isn't it is it's like yeah it's like oh it's only it's only stress and it's like but actually you could have had other serious illnesses that you'd got over quicker then they just it just doesn't have such a buzzword it's just been normalized a lot more than it should have been yeah totally because people just throw the word around don't they it's not taken very seriously unfortunately my seven-year-old tells me she's stressed before going to school in the morning because she's going to be like i'm stressed and it's like really yeah no you're not the thing is I know you should know what stress is but the thing is is you know like it is and it's good to open up the conversation and people be more aware of how they're feeling because I think that was another thing is is there's that whole suck it up and just get on with it which obviously it doesn't work it doesn't help so being able to talk about it is great but it's understanding that being stressed in a moment and feeling like that all the time are two different things and things that we need to work on totally because life is stressful and there's always going to be stressful events and you're never not going to have stress but there's a difference between short term coping within a stressful event and constantly feeling like you're like going through the motions every day a bit robotic like life's just you know you just kind of get through and and do what you can that that that isn't normal nobody should feel like that no and that's the thing you're you're numbing aren't you your body's actually numbing itself to to what's going on yeah yeah okay so your your quiz is free where can people access it they can access it on my website it's in my instagram links bio it's on my linkedin profile page and where is the best place to find you so linkedin instagram linkedin linkedin and instagram yeah brilliant okay well thank you so much jen, for coming along. It's been really nice.
And I called you Jenny as well then. Jenny.
I really didn't hear that. Where did Jenny come from, Jen? It's been a serious conversation.
But no, it's been really lovely to have you along. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us.
And, you know, guys, don't just just assume that this is normal don't feel like it's something that is a reflection on you things get too much and it's about acknowledging that and taking action absolutely yeah thanks for having me so that's it for me this week guys i look forward to speaking to you again next week in the meantime please please do like rate follow subscribe share this

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