Bert Kreischer

Speaker 1 Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Buck Rogers, and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear.
Hi. Hi.

Speaker 1 Everyone will know who Burt Kreischer is when I describe a jolly man with no shirt on who does stand up. He does not do his profession with a shirt on.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's not for him.

Speaker 1 Too cumbersome.

Speaker 2 Too much fabric.

Speaker 1 Too much fabric. It doesn't declare I want to party hard enough.
That's right. And he is all about partying.

Speaker 2 He really is.

Speaker 2 He was also, he was crowned that

Speaker 2 early on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, once you get that moniker in college, you got to make it a lifestyle. And boy, has he successfully.

Speaker 2 Very successfully.

Speaker 1 Bert, of course, is a host of a couple of very popular podcasts, Two Bears, One Cave,

Speaker 1 and Something's Burning, and Burt Cast.

Speaker 1 And he has been in The Machine, Razzle Dazzle, The Cabin, Bert the Conqueror, Secret Time, and he has a comedy special out right now on Netflix called Lucky.

Speaker 1 So please check that out if you haven't already. And please enjoy Bert Kreischer.
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Speaker 1 He's an option.

Speaker 1 I find it rude showing up to a podcast on time. When I show up on time, I should show up like five minutes late to let them get settled.

Speaker 1 So today I was like, I didn't know your energy, so I didn't want to assume. When I get up to a podcast, I'm like, when I say two o'clock, it means I'll get there at two o'clock.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And so I feel bad when people get there early and they're waiting on me.
And then I'm like, I'm so sorry. I decided to walk to work.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you have it nearly as bad as me, which is you record in a house. I just said, I can't believe I'm at your house.
It's so intimate. Yeah, yeah, right.
Yeah. Is it a good or a bad idea, you think?

Speaker 1 It depends on who you have on your podcast. I have lunatics on my podcast.

Speaker 1 The night that we decided we no longer do it in our house, it was me, Sam Tripoli, and Eddie Bravo, my daughter, Isla, my daughter, Georgia, and Eddie Bravo and Isla were learning jiu-jitsu jiu-jitsu moves.

Speaker 1 Okay. And we're all high and we're all by the fire pit.
Sure. And Isla's like, mom, I'm learning jiu-jitsu.
It was really fun.

Speaker 1 But my wife's like, all right, just so we were clear, that energy, we're not going to welcome that into our house every time we have a guest.

Speaker 2 It's a little bit aggressive.

Speaker 1 She's like, I like Eddie. I like Sam, but I don't know if we're going to just anytime you have a band that wants to stick around.
And we had a band doing Coke in our bathroom the other day.

Speaker 2 Yeah, maybe keep those kids away from that.

Speaker 1 I try to go, ladies, do you know who this is? And then they're like, no.

Speaker 1 I was like, shit, this is Gavin rossdale do you know whon stefani is and they're like yeah i go oh god can you guys hug him or something he's a legend the only one that they ever got mad at me for not introducing them to was tony hawk okay

Speaker 1 they were like you had tony hawk here dad it's hard to know what they're gonna know right they're what 19 and 20 your daughters 19 and 20 slipknot was a big home run five-finger death punch my daughter eye listen to that kind of music so how many years ago did you stop recording at home because i went to a house but that's not where you were living that is just our studio probably three years ago.

Speaker 1 And that's good, right? It's just good across the board. Best energy in the world.
I'm a natural extrovert, so I draw energy from people.

Speaker 1 And so to walk into a creative space like that, like I would have really thrived in one of those content houses. Those content houses that kids did.
What do you mean, what's that?

Speaker 1 I don't know what a content house is. I was acting like I did.
I thought I could context clues figure that out.

Speaker 2 There's no way Dax knows what a content house is.

Speaker 1 Joe, back in the day, they get a thing called Sway House. Now, I'm going to sound so fucking like this.

Speaker 2 This is MTV.

Speaker 1 No. No.
Tell me ridiculous. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Bryce Hall. Do you know who that is? No.
Okay. This is like.

Speaker 2 This is really failing bad.

Speaker 1 This is worse than being caught looking at porn at your kids' school. I'm really embarrassed that I'm telling you that I followed this.
We're ignorant.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's never good luck. The Paul brothers did it.
They get big on TikTok and then they move their friends in and then all day long they just create content. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 I was 45 when they were doing that, 42. There was one that lived down the street from me.
I was so jealous.

Speaker 1 I had a family, kids, a beautiful wife, dogs, and I drive by there and go, these kids are living it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And they lived in mansions in the hills and they just light their pool on fire.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Cut the top off of me.
Oh, neighbors would be living. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. So you still feel like, oh man, or you feel like I had my time.

Speaker 1 I feel like I got it now in my house. I go there.
I'm not lighting pools on fire, but today we had a creative meeting for a sitcom. First day of productions.
Everyone comes in. They move out.

Speaker 1 We got a movie pitch. They come in, move out.
We got three podcasts. It was a fervor of activity when I showed up.

Speaker 1 For anyone who didn't listen to that episode of Two Bears, One Cave, I roll up and there's a tour bus in the driveway. I'm immediately ingratiated to you.

Speaker 1 I'm like, no one else has this in their driveway in LA. This is great.
Yeah. And then I go inside, yeah, and there's people everywhere and I'm like, they have a big business.
There's a lot happening.

Speaker 1 Well, there's touring, there's TV, there's movies, there's podcasts, and then there's the vodka, there's the 5K cooking show. And that's the beautiful thing about this is whatever idea.

Speaker 1 I mean, I have my own fucking flip-flop. Oh, God, let's see this.
And is it merged?

Speaker 1 Listen, this is going to sound so detached, but once you get a certain level in success, you get to kind of just call your own shots. So there was a flip-flop that I liked, and they stopped making it.

Speaker 1 So I started cyberbullying them. I said, everyone online, just hit them up, tell them that this is bullshit, that they're not making my flip-flop anymore.
Or can I live without these?

Speaker 1 The guys that own the company hit me up and they're like, hey, man, we're not doing great in business. And I was like, well, then let me help.
And my first thought was like, I need size 12s.

Speaker 1 Just give me a thousand and I'll wear them for the rest of my life. You just want to get paid.
Are they reefs? No, they're free waters. They're great flip-flops.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And then I said, well, wait, how many do you need? I don't need any money in the company. Give me a price point where it's financially beneficial for you to make flip-flops.

Speaker 1 He goes, if you can sell like 5,000 flip-flops, I'd do it. I went, great.
I said, make 5,000 in my style, the kind I like. Put my name on it.
I don't care, but I'll sell to my fans.

Speaker 1 We sold them in like 15 minutes. Nice.

Speaker 1 And at that point, I realized, oh, there's bigger things in this business. You're extremely ADHD, right? Yes.
And I was thinking, what a perfect time you were born in.

Speaker 1 to come of age where you could be doing 57 different things and there's no barrier to entry and it's self-distribution. Well, we started at a time when that wasn't it.

Speaker 1 We had to get christened by a gatekeeper, which was so frustrating. I remember getting my first camera.
It was a GL2. It was a Sony.
Oh, yeah. Canon GL2.
And I shot shorts. I just needed to do.

Speaker 1 And I edited them and I gave them to my manager and he goes, what am I supposed to do with these? At that moment, I thought this needs to go away because I was like, I know I see stuff and I like it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I was like, what about the guys from South Park who made the Jesus Fight Santa Claus? They made something.
Now everyone sees it.

Speaker 1 I got really bored when I was a a travel channel and I started doing a vlog. I got really into Casey Neistat, Mr.
Ben Brown, Fun for Lead. I'm so good with names, I just got to say.

Speaker 1 I've been watching you all day on different interviews and your recall for people and how much you're abreast of every comedian that's working and all that. It's kind of staggering.

Speaker 1 I can tell you things I like. I love being a fan of shit.
There's no sexier feeling in the world. I hope someone's getting this right now.

Speaker 1 This is the coolest feeling you'll ever get in the world is when you discover something and you like it and you deep dive and you find so much more shit and you're like, oh, I haven't even started.

Speaker 2 It is so fun. You know, I'll tell you this.

Speaker 1 I'm a big Grateful Dead fan. I've been lucky enough to be around them, dead in company.
I've gotten to the sphere. I'm going back to the bus.
Do you do drugs when you do that?

Speaker 1 Because you're not into drugs.

Speaker 1 You won't do like mushrooms or something for that. I don't know.

Speaker 2 It also feels scary at the sphere. You don't need anything.

Speaker 1 The sphere is that good. I got so moved at the sphere for you too that David Copperfield left our box because he was crying aggressively.
My daughters could not stop laughing.

Speaker 1 They were filming all of it and I was just sobbing. The older I've gotten, I gotta be emotional.
But I'm a big dead fan. I love when you discover something.

Speaker 1 And so for me, it was vlogging. I've discovered Casey Neistat and Mr.
Ben Brown. When I found these guys, I got turned on and I started deep diving them.

Speaker 1 And I was like, this is sexy, that they're in control of everything. And I started doing my own vlog.
Very simple at first, a little more complex. And people followed it.
And I got made fun of.

Speaker 1 I mean, trust me, Rogan lit me up a couple times. I was like, Rogan and Phil Must Play and Pool.
And he was like, the fuck, we just did a podcast. Yeah, yeah.
But I got really into it.

Speaker 1 And in doing that, I just learned how to edit videos.

Speaker 1 When I learned how to edit videos, I realized I was now in the driver's seat of my own career because I could put out whatever content I needed out on whatever timeline I needed it to promote whatever show I needed.

Speaker 1 And in doing that, I think I learned to follow my heart. Well, it's a great era for someone with your makeup, probably ADHD.
Super crazy passionate right now about the thing.

Speaker 1 My hunch is if you can't knock it out in a small window, it's gone, right?

Speaker 1 Is that fair?

Speaker 1 They put pilot in Hollywood. That means we're making your pilot.
They buy it with the commitment to make the pilot. At NBC, shout out to Tal Rebenowitz.
I knew her when she was assistant.

Speaker 1 I walked into the room. She's now running NBC.
She was always cool. She was like, say less, done.
And then my best friend started fast shaming me. What year was this? This was 2016, I think.

Speaker 1 I had just gotten fired from Travel Channel. I already knew how to edit everything.
I knew how to vlog. And Tom started fast shaming me.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I know Tom doesn't know how to do any of this shit. I'm going to destroy him.
And so I started fat-shaming him.

Speaker 1 At one point, my manager and agent called my wife and they were like, hey, we need Bert's notes on the pilot. And she was like, oh, he's done.

Speaker 1 And they're like, what? She was like, it took too long. He's done.
He's on to this fat shaming thing. Yes.
He's not going to do it. You're white hot, but it's got a real short half-life.

Speaker 1 If it's not there right away, I'm on to the next thing.

Speaker 1 But what amazing technology that has sprouted up where you make real-time content and it can be released that day and you see the results of it and then you're on to the very next thing.

Speaker 1 This is not a personality type that works under the old paradigm. No.
All right, but let us start at the beginning. Shoot.
Tampa, Florida, 1977. 72, 52.
Yes, yes. I'm 75.
I made you younger than me.

Speaker 1 My two writers on my show were like, you're meeting Dash Shepard today? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, how old is he? And I went, probably like 40.
And they're like, he's fucking 40.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I don't know. And they're like, you were just with him.
How old do you not know how old he is? And I was like, I don't know, he seems young as shit. He's got a full head of hair.

Speaker 1 He's jacked. Look at you.

Speaker 2 That's so nice.

Speaker 1 He took the steps two at a time on the way up to the studio you shaved 10 whole years off how nice that's really kind of you well and then i just gave you five years november 72 you arrive st.

Speaker 1 Petersburg but then we get to Tampa. Yeah.
I shot my special in St. Petersburg.
Specials comes out on Netflix March 18th. Lucky.
And I shot it in St. Petersburg.
Very emotional.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Tampa, Florida. Dad was a real estate attorney.
Yeah. So was he crushing? No.
My dad doesn't like me talking about this, but he didn't listen to your podcast. So I think we're safe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I was talking about it on Rogan one time.
Rogan's like, I can't be real. So I call my dad.
I go, hey, yo, dad, do you ever represent dot, dot, dot? And he's like, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was like, cool, I'm on Rogan. He goes, what? Don't fucking tell people who I represent.
Buddy, you can't tell people who I represented.

Speaker 1 But they have a building right on this road. The people he represented have a building on this road.
Very big building. A mile that way.
Scientology. Easy.

Speaker 1 Oh, good job.

Speaker 1 So he met an author. Okay, wonderful.
The author loved boats. I mean, you would think the guy lived on a boat.
And then he did build the boat he lived on. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We lived in what I would say a white trash neighborhood. I apologize if there's anyone that grew up with me.

Speaker 1 Not my second neighborhood, not Faircloth Estates, but the first neighborhood was white trash. I remember in first grade, I went over to this dude, Darren, and we used to play football together.

Speaker 1 Darren, Darren lived on that street. And he was with a chick.
And I just went up with my ball. I was like, yo, we played football today.
And he's like, buddy, I'm fingering a girl right now.

Speaker 1 I was like, my bad. In first grade.
First grade. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I hope she was in second grade at least. He had to be in like eighth grade.
They were older.

Speaker 1 They were older. I'm sorry.
Fellow first grade. That story came out weird.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 It's like when I said to someone, no, I was drinking with a bunch of miners and they're like, what? And I was like, yeah, they were fucking fun. And they're like, where were you?

Speaker 1 I said, West Virginia. Coal miners.
Yes, coal miners.

Speaker 1 Whoa,

Speaker 1 whoa, what are you doing? Grow up in white trash. My dad gets this one client, promised a big money.
Buys a house for like, I don't even know, $130,000. In 82, that's a lot.
That's big.

Speaker 1 Three bedrooms, office downstairs on a lake, no pool.

Speaker 1 You had no pool. That was our pool.
Gator pond. Dude, there are signs that you grew up in Florida, and it is you are hyper-aware of gators and snakes.

Speaker 1 I've never once walked across my lawn and not watch where my feet land. Yeah, that's Florida.
And I never have gotten in a fucking lake and just thought, this will be fun.

Speaker 1 As a kid, you can water skiing, you're like, feet up. I don't want to get eaten.
It was terrifying. Oh, my mom will like that.
I tell this story.

Speaker 1 She was water skiing in Florida as a young 20-something-year-old.

Speaker 1 She saw alligators and then she fell and she was too terrified to let go of the tow rope and she was drugged behind the boat so long that it gave her an enema and she shit her bathing suit.

Speaker 1 That's Florida water skiing for you right there. Public enema number one.
You might shit your public water skiing. Dude, Florida's so fucked up.

Speaker 1 I think Florida and Australia are the closest cousins you get in the world. Everything can kill you in Australia.
The weakest people in the world, Germans.

Speaker 2 There's nothing scary there, you're saying.

Speaker 1 Nothing. We don't have wolves.
In Australia. Have you ever been to Australia? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Or especially in northern Australia, every sign is written in English and in German because Germans have lived this carefree life with no snakes, no alligators. They have deer.
Maybe a raccoon. Maybe.

Speaker 1 And so they go, this water looks fun. And then Gator's got them in its mouth.

Speaker 1 And they got the great whites. It's teeming with mankillers down there.
Fucking Australians. Manyaters.
Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 So as a car guy, the weird thing is I would go to Florida and everyone drove a Mustang Notchback LX5 liter. They were only sold in Florida.
People always got a hatchback.

Speaker 1 I don't know why they all like that, but it was all kids living with their grandparents because their parents had kicked them out.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's a huge contingency of people just living with their grandparents, which is a wild group. Were you running into that a lot? I was not.
That's more central Florida?

Speaker 1 No, that's more northern Florida. Okay, like Orlando-y.
Yeah, like Ocala. I was in Sebrene a lot.
So that's Southwest Coast Florida. Yes.
Southwest Coast? No.

Speaker 1 It's central mid-state. We'd fly into Orlando.

Speaker 1 If you're not watching this, that won't be entertaining. But the look Monica just gave me, anytime I talk about geography, which I can't resist.

Speaker 2 14 minutes.

Speaker 1 And she's like, no one gives a flying fuck where Seabreen Florida is.

Speaker 2 And she's right. No one.

Speaker 1 But we care. I just said to someone the other day, the best geography joke ever was Homer Simpson.
He goes, who cares about Canada all tucked away down there?

Speaker 1 Exactly. Back to Tampa.
Dad has this client. Now, that's all we can say about that.
Because I would certainly need to know more.

Speaker 1 I read that book going clear and him floating around on a fucking way to dance around it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Things that seem interesting in your life are just your life. And you're like, yeah, I don't really remember.

Speaker 1 All I know is that we got into move into a nice house in a nicer neighborhood based on the client. And then the client allegedly just kind of bounced.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And then we had a house with no furniture in it. But from the street, you guys look like you're killing me.
It looked like we were killing it.

Speaker 1 But then if you walked in our house, you're like, oh, did you just move in? You're like, no, we've been here a year and a half. Right.

Speaker 2 And did you have a complex around that?

Speaker 1 No. It's weird what doesn't bother me.
And then it's weird what bothers me. Yeah, what bothers you? Because you seem to have a very thick skin and you're very self-deprecating.

Speaker 1 So it's hard to know what would trigger you. I'm extremely sensitive.
I'll give you a perfect example. When I talked shit about you on Two Bears,

Speaker 1 and then I heard that it came to you, I got really upset about that.

Speaker 2 Wait, I don't know this. We are definitely talking about it.

Speaker 1 Well, quite simply, I had been told in comments that I got made fun of on Two Bears by Bird. It was just Tom lights me up and pokes me.
And I like talking wild on a podcast.

Speaker 1 It's part of being on a podcast and he's like deck shepherd's fucking killing it maybe i'll get him on here as a guest bear and i was like deck shepherd he's like what and i go dude he just started podcasting last week and it's the number one podcast in the world yeah it's all very legit i've been doing this for nine years what's funny is i'm aware of that i come to expect that but then somehow i see a video of burt telling a story where he said i feel really bad that i made fun of dax shepherd and he did this incredible thing which he sent me merch which i didn't do but an armchair he did wait what someone sent him our merch.

Speaker 1 Oh, our merch.

Speaker 1 And he thought it was from me. And he was like, oh, what is it? It destroyed me.
It was during the pandemic. And I got it in my P.O.
box. And I was like, oh my God.
And here's the thing.

Speaker 1 I am like a day one ride or die for Dax. For real? When Punk came out, first of all, I know I told you this.
He looks like my best friend growing up, Ryan Valerius.

Speaker 1 When he came on there, he even looked more like him then. And I was like, that's my fucking guy.
You expect your movie stars to just stay movie stars and not get in your lane.

Speaker 1 And when they get in your lane, you're like, dude, you're already a fucking movie star. You're already married to a fucking movie star.
All of it, I totally understand. And I would be fucking annoyed.

Speaker 1 And then we hashed this all out on his show, and it was lovely. I've done that to a few people.
And so when it happens to me, I understand it more. It's helpful, right?

Speaker 1 When you go, like, all right, this is the same thing I did. I don't even mean it.
They probably don't mean it either. You're looking for a funny take.
Like, I went off on alcoholism.

Speaker 1 I went off on people who'd quit drinking. Right.
Oh, sure.

Speaker 1 Did you hear this? No, it was bad. Anyone in the program got really upset with it? What were your points? My point was: if you're thinking about quitting drinking, don't.

Speaker 1 It's not the alcohol, it's you. So have a drink and let's figure this out.
Let's talk it out over drinks.

Speaker 1 My whole point was, I know so many people who have quit drinking, but didn't fix the problem.

Speaker 2 Well, I agree with you there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I go, let's not say it's alcohol.
Let's say it's you. And it was just to make Tom laugh.
And I got lit up by friends in the program. Listen, I'm so pro-drinking.
I'm so pro-drugs.

Speaker 1 Everyone that can do it should be doing it as much as they can. I'm doing it tonight.
I got to shoot something tomorrow and I was like, I don't want to look bloated.

Speaker 1 And then I was like, ah, I already look bloated. Who gives a shit? People are going to recognize me.
I'm not bloated. I'm not kind of bloated and a lot of

Speaker 1 drink to keep up my personality but what I would say about that point is simply to address the you that is the problem which I would agree with yeah it's best to do that not drunk you're not the most objective version of yourself when you're trying to do some self-analysis is when you're feeling very confident and better looking than you are we were in orlando and i had tied one on really heavy the night before and we had to do a podcast at 8 a.m and i sat down and i was off i go i need a six pack and tom's like what are we doing here buddy and i was like you know what Fuck you.

Speaker 1 And it was before the podcast. He's like, what? And I go, bring it up.
Say something. I dare you.
And then they bring in a thing and he goes, we think maybe it's a little early to have a beer.

Speaker 1 I go, you know what? And then I went on this rant. And then a few people that I really care about that are in recovery reached out really upset.
And that bothered me. And then it went viral.

Speaker 1 And I was like, nah, fuck you. I would have never shamed you for it.
Danny Trejo stood by me. He's like, yeah, you got to fix problem you.
It's not the booze.

Speaker 1 And if it's not that, it's going to be jerking off for sex. Well, just talk to anyone in their first year of sobriety.
They're either fucking non-stop.

Speaker 1 They've They've started online gambling or something. The best feeling in the world is gambling.

Speaker 2 Oh, scary.

Speaker 1 The heart race. Where you've had to battle it or no? No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Just when you got the nuts, your cards are on the table and another card lands and it's your card and you don't know what he has and your heart. Nothing in the world would I trade for that moment.

Speaker 1 I remember my numbers 11. I always put money on 11.
During the pandemic, I was in a casino. I put $100 on 11.
Lady had a mask on. All eye contact.
Spins it. She's watching it.

Speaker 1 It hits 11 and I watch her eyes dart and me and her and that feeling of hitting 11 and i've had two children better than the birth of either of them

Speaker 1 it felt so good i split it with her oh beautiful so that's a 3 600 payoff yeah and i 360 never split it with her because she doesn't get it it goes to the house no they get their tips no she puts it in the bucket we're gonna fact check that they gotta get their tips like if you gave money to a homeless guy on the side of the road and he goes yeah i'm gonna split it with all of us you know

Speaker 1 well i want you to have it i get that first of all what scenario did you just pan there's no way any dude is like i'm sharing it with all these people i used to do a thing called weight staff raffle i just did it as a lark it was the first time i ever sold out a show it's a very beginning of me starting to sell tickets and there was a snowstorm and i got bonused a hundred dollars and maybe it was more but i had a hundred dollars in my said i'm gonna give it to the whole staff and then i realized well that's only 10 bucks a person it doesn't seem that big and then i said i'm gonna give it to one person that's the thing i look for in life if i'm addicted to anything it's the sparkle of a moment the sensation when you go for me you know yeah yeah yeah and so i said you know what i'll do and i got on stage and i said here's the deal.

Speaker 1 This wait staff, they've been busting their ass and they're going to probably walk with maybe 120 bucks tonight, which is good money, but we can make one of them really feel the moment.

Speaker 1 So what I'm going to do is I'm going to pass around my hat and just put in whatever you have. Don't take it away from your tip.
Just if you got like 10 or 20, just throw it in. Five bucks is fine.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to put $100 in. Nice.
And we got $700 that night.

Speaker 1 And we pulled a name out of all the wait staff. Oh, this is so good.
And one girl came up on stage, starts crying. This is a fucking powerful moment.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you'll get it as much as me because you never a poor dad, but she said, I get to buy the nice car seat now

Speaker 1 as a poor dad. I remember going to Target with Leanne when we were broke, looking at car seats, and you'd see the good car seat and you go, this is my baby's life.

Speaker 1 And I got to get the cheaper one because I'm a fuck up. That's a lot.

Speaker 1 Wait, it gets better. You ready for this one? And you can find this one online.
So I start doing it and it's fun. And I tell them, I said, we'll do it every show.

Speaker 1 Five of you will walk away with like a thousand bucks a night extra. And they loved it.
And then we were in Louisville, Kentucky.

Speaker 1 Last show on sunday and we've been doing it the whole week and i pull a name i go kevin you don't want dudes to win you don't want a guy to win yeah there's already a pay gap just go make some money and he's black you don't want black dudes to win no

Speaker 1 you're talking to a pro I put my 10,000 hours and I'll tell you why

Speaker 1 black guys have a hard time with vulnerability they try to be funny they're not gonna share like a white chick or a black chick will share okay black guys are a little standoffish but it's Kevin I go Kevin and I improved a hundred percent wrong yeah I had a hunch that you were not on firm ground with this opinion

Speaker 1 I know. I was like, oh, God.
I'm going to keep the money. They've had enough.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They've been handed everything.

Speaker 1 They ain't fucking born on third base.

Speaker 1 I bring him up on stage and he is trying to hold it together. And he's like, go looking out.
Thank you. You can find the video online.

Speaker 1 I'm going to overexaggerate for you listening because I want you to feel it, but you can watch it and it is just as moving. And I go, Kevin, you seem a little emotional.
And he goes, no.

Speaker 1 Oh, man, I'm going to get emotional telling you this. I said, buddy, I'm looking at you.
What's going on? And he goes, no, I'm good. Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 And I said, what are you going to do with this money? And he said, Saturday is my daughter's birthday. Now I get to throw her the party she wanted and I get to be the dad she thinks I am.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, stands up, walks $100, get that for your daughter. The whole fucking room starts going on black.
Throwing money at fucking

Speaker 1 my gosh, fucking make it rain. It was awesome.

Speaker 1 We had wild moments doing that. That's what I love in life.
Oh, for sure. Okay, we must get to how you're here.
So, Tampa, Jesuit school shocker to me. Loved it.
Define me.

Speaker 1 You describe yourself as a dum dum all the time. It's kind of part of your onstage persona.

Speaker 1 You can't get to a Jesuit school and be a dumb dumb. They specialize in making people very critical thinkers, challenging of opinions.
You'd be shocked at how many dum dums are in my phone right now.

Speaker 1 That are all Jesuit graduates. The funniest dudes ever.
My group of friends in high school, without a doubt, were the funniest individuals I've ever known in my life.

Speaker 1 So then you go to Florida State, and this is important. You're there for how many years? Six or seven? Six and a half.
Year six of his enrollment at Florida State.

Speaker 1 Rolling Stone is in search of the biggest party school. They do an article, and they crown Bert.

Speaker 1 the hardest partying guy at the hardest partying school.

Speaker 2 That's a crown.

Speaker 1 And you kind of have a moment of celebrity all of a sudden in your sixth year. It's the best.
It's my first taste of celebrity. I'll tell you, it was intoxicating.

Speaker 1 And clearly every kid on that campus read that article. It's everyone.
It's the biggest news possible that they got crowned that. Everyone did.
So it was a different time then.

Speaker 1 I think the real world and road rules was around, but celebrity wasn't as attainable as it is now. Overnight, it changed my life.
Every publication. wanted to write about me.

Speaker 1 There were like these tabloid news shows that would happen at like five o'clock in the afternoon. American Journal, they all flew down.
They spent time with me.

Speaker 1 Oprah wanted me and my parents to do it. Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life.
Stop. I met Oliver Stone.
This is the most bizarre.

Speaker 1 It's the craziest set of life experiences you could ever imagine having, especially as like a 25-year-old kid. I had no plans for anything.
I didn't know what I was going to do.

Speaker 1 I was figuring I'll move to Aspen and just try to work on a ski lift or something, live with my friends. And then this happens.
I still didn't know what to do with it.

Speaker 1 And in the article, I'd said I wanted to do stand-up. This radio show was like, yo, we'll let you do stand-up.
Now, they were doing it to watch me fail. And then they'd have content for Monday.

Speaker 1 They put me last on the list of four professional touring comics at a place called Pop Bellies, still there.

Speaker 1 I just went there the other day in Tallahassee and I did 20 minutes and it was stream of consciousness. Oh, I had nothing really.

Speaker 1 Was the house packed with your 10-night devotees from campus? No one would have been there if it wasn't me. It was all friends.

Speaker 1 I was in a group called Scalp Hunters, which were the heads of all the attorneys. So all of attorneys are there.
I was with my dad when I did the Emily Arena in Tampa.

Speaker 1 And Derek Brooks, you know, Derek Brooks is? No. A hall of famer, played for the Bucs, played at Florida State.
He says to my dad, he goes, it's amazing to see where he's at now from where he started.

Speaker 1 My dad goes, huh? And Derek goes, I was at his show at Poppelly's. I was like, shit.
So, yeah, it was crazy. But I did great.
Radio show offered me a gig on their show.

Speaker 1 They're like, we thought you'd bomb. Why don't you come in, do third mic? Wow.
This is nuts because normally you're chasing fame and it takes forever. And then you maybe get it or you don't.

Speaker 1 Fame found you. You're like, oh, I like this.
How on earth do I keep this going? This sounds shallow.

Speaker 1 I don't know why, but when you're just like an average-looking dude, you become funny so people pay attention to you. And then when you're funny, people pay attention to you.

Speaker 1 But the thing you were looking for is what good-looking guys have, where people are like, What's that guy's name?

Speaker 1 I was never the guy where if you were with a group of girls, they're like, Do you know who we have to set Jennifer up with? And you'd be like, Please say my name, please say my name.

Speaker 1 And they'd be like, Derek, he is hilarious. I'm like, Derek does fucking impressions of Ace Ventura.
He's not fucking funny.

Speaker 1 And so then I remember eating at a Blimpy's, and these hot girls were staring at me. Perfectly.
He couldn't have been a better location. Pop Bellies is the first fucking stand-up.
Blimpy's.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, my mom was obsessed with blimpies oh blimpies subs are fucking legit but i'm from georgia that's why duluth exactly yeah my wife's from georgia what part bowden it's a really small redneck town sorry anyone from bowden listening no shout anyway fame felt good well the gals were staring at you did they talk to you came over sat down with us it filled holes that i didn't know i had but i knew were there dude we all want to be the gorgeous quarterback of the football team we want to know what it's like to just walk down the hall and people turn and they look at you if a girl said she wanted to have sex with me and this happened a couple of times, especially in college, my initial thought was, what's wrong with her?

Speaker 1 Because I go, that doesn't happen to me. Yeah, something's weird about this.
I mean, it was the craziest and the access you had to life.

Speaker 1 I remember ESPN sent two young actors down to hang out with me, shoot a commercial and party. One of those actors was Johnny Knoxville.
Oh, come on. And this is like insane stories.

Speaker 1 The things that have happened to me in life just shouldn't track. And we partied.
He showed me can't kill yourself videos of them trying to break beer bottles on their head.

Speaker 1 And we took pills, we drank. He threw himself down a flight of stairs.
We ended up dressed as women.

Speaker 2 The original content house.

Speaker 1 It was everything you wanted. You were a member of Jackass for a night.
Yeah. It's probably five years before Jackass.
I know this sounds fake. Johnny knows this is real.

Speaker 1 He was writing articles for Big Brother at the time and he pitched me Jackass in his kitchen. Wow.
Anyway, it filled holes. And so I moved to New York going like, the fame shit's for me.
Yes.

Speaker 1 How do I get more of this? And I got a job at the Boston Comedy Club working the door to get stage time and I sucked. And I was like, okay, hold on.
You had no friends there.

Speaker 1 And it looked like fame all of a sudden was really fading quickly. You know, those pictures of Michael J.
Fox and his brothers and sisters where they legs start disappearing.

Speaker 1 Oh, and Back to the Future.

Speaker 1 It was just a picture of my head. Everything was gone.
I was like, yo, if I don't get famous quick. You realize you were on minute 17

Speaker 2 of the 15 minutes.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're like, oh. I mean, I auditioned for MTB's Who Wants to Be a VJ.
Do you remember that? Sure, sure, yeah. With Dave Holmes and Jesse.

Speaker 1 And then I started getting good at stand-up quicker than I should have. Well, let's talk about your dad, though.
One second, because I know this part from when I was on your show.

Speaker 1 Your dad lets you have it at one point. Yeah.
This to me on the surface sounds like the wrong approach, but it really worked for you. Tell Monty what happened.

Speaker 1 On my 26th birthday, I woke up, no air conditioner in New York on a leather couch, hung over his shit. It's probably 9.30.
And the phone rings. It's my dad.
I have a caller ID.

Speaker 1 He probably just wants to wish me happy birthday. I'll let him do it.
I'll go back to sleep. I was like, hey, what's up? He was like, you are a tremendous piece of shit.
And I was like, what?

Speaker 1 He goes, I just perjured myself in court.

Speaker 1 court i have never perjured myself the judge said mr chryser how's your son doing in new york and i said fantastic your honor that's a lie you have no humility you are a party boy you have nothing you don't deserve what you have he really broke me off now i'm sitting up sweating still i go it's my birthday yeah that's a bare response

Speaker 1 i don't know what day it is are you fucking kidding me that's why i'm calling you i remember saying well how do i fix it and he goes you can't he goes i fucked up and it's my problem I'll deal with it.

Speaker 1 I'll help you out. We'll figure this out together, but just have fun.
Be a party boy. And I was like, hold on.
Oh, even worse. He's resigned.

Speaker 1 And by the way, he wasn't doing the fake thing of like, it wasn't reverse. No, no, you stupid dog.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He had like given up.

Speaker 1 You're a fucking mulligan. You're going to be a failure forever.
Let's game plan that. Yeah.
I was like, dad, stop. For real.
I want to fix this. And he goes, you don't have the skills to fix it.

Speaker 1 What you need is humility. That is what you don't have.
You're too proud to do what someone that wants something will do. And he goes, it's my fault.
You should have worked in warehouses.

Speaker 1 You should have done the hard work. You didn't do it.
So I fucked up. And I was like, hang on.
This is like a rough one.

Speaker 1 I remember my sisters laughed out loud when I told him, I go, tell me what I need to do. And he goes, if you want my advice tonight, you go to that comedy club you go to and you ask for a job.

Speaker 1 You tell him you'll do anything. You'll mop the floors.
And I go, okay, I can't do it tonight because I have a birthday party planned.

Speaker 1 One more day is a piece of shit, please. It's like a junkie going, can I party on the plane?

Speaker 1 I already bought some. Can I get through that? We'll go to treatment after.
He goes, you don't deserve a party.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. He was fucking.
He goes, what are you celebrating? My sisters are like, that's so dad right there. And he goes, you've got nothing.
You're a piece of shit. That article was 20 months ago.

Speaker 1 It was. Oh.
And I said, okay, I'll do what you said. What if they say no? And he goes, doesn't matter.
You just fucking go. So I went to the club, went up this guy, Louis Schaefer.

Speaker 1 I said, hey, my name is Burt Christ. You're right.
And he goes, I know you are. And I said, I would like a job.
I'd like the opportunity to stand up. I came to be a stand-up.
I'll clean up.

Speaker 1 I'll mop up. I'll put chairs out.
I'll do whatever you want. And he said, can I give you my advice? And I said, sure.
He said, move back to Florida.

Speaker 1 i was like cool so i went to the bagged inn had a drink went down to mcdougal ale house met my friends celebrated my party woke up the next day called my dad and i was like didn't work and he goes perfect you show up again tonight you say the same thing and if he stops you you say here's the deal buddy i'm looking for an opportunity and i'm going to keep asking you this question every single night for the rest of your god given life until you give me an opportunity so i go dad i'm gonna look like a fool he goes no no no he goes i want you to think about a young black kid in harlem who doesn't have everything that's been given to you and think how hard he's gonna fight for that opportunity.

Speaker 1 So, you think how lucky you are. So, I walked in the next night and I was like, Hey, Louisaver, my name is Burke Chryser.
And he goes, Didn't I tell you to move back to Florida?

Speaker 1 I go, Hey, man, here's the deal. Okay, my dad told me a piece of shit yesterday.
I was supposed to have a party. I didn't even really get to have a party.
It was easier in college.

Speaker 1 This seems so much easier when it was given to me and working for it. It seems so difficult.

Speaker 1 And he said, I'll put you out front and you bark. If you can bring in 20 people, I'll give you 20 bucks.
I'll give you a dollar for everyone you bring in, and I'll put you on at the end of the night.

Speaker 1 And I went, Deal.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

Speaker 1 If you dare,

Speaker 1 we are supported by JCPenney.

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Speaker 1 If you're a comedy fan, this is fascinating. Two things happened that night.
Patrice O'Neal, Rich Voss, Jim Norton, and I think Bobby Kelly were standing on the side of the street.

Speaker 1 Do you know who Patrice O'Neill is? I know Patrice. Patrice was cat-calling women.
Now, I'm working the street and I don't know these guys at all.

Speaker 1 And I said, I can't believe you think that would work. Because I've never seen a cat call because I grew up in Florida.
It's about foot traffic. We don't have that.

Speaker 1 Right. And so he goes, shut the fuck up.
And I was like, that's not how you'd hit on a woman. It sounds aggressive.
He's like, what would you do? And a beautiful woman, probably 35.

Speaker 1 Now, I had to talk to her anyway because I had tried to get her to the club. I said, you look tired.
Why don't I take you out and I'll buy you a glass of wine? I'll listen to your day.

Speaker 1 And she went, I'm okay. And they made fun of me.
Yeah, yeah. She heard them make fun of me and she came back.
She goes, you know what? I'll take you up on that glass of wine.

Speaker 1 And I looked at her and I went, I can't.

Speaker 1 I don't know what to do. No, I go, I just got my dream job.
My dad called me a piece of shit yesterday. I think it's working out.
I can't throw it away for you. And I went, I can't.

Speaker 1 And she went, for real? And I went, no. And she walked away and I went, fuck.

Speaker 1 Louis Shaver's shaver's like you got a job he's like you come every night we'll put you up six months later will smith discovered me gave me a development deal and i moved out here holy

Speaker 1 i'm sorry to run my own interview but i'll tell you the thing that i think is interesting in this now i'm on the track to fame development deal hanging out with will smith all the time he's introducing me to everyone as his guy i'm like fame's right there it's going to happen again i get a tv show the fxx show and i'm on tv every night Things are happening.

Speaker 1 I'm meeting Sammy Hagar and Slash and I'm meeting famous people. And one day I'm sitting in my car on the corner of Franklin by Vine, kind of.
Beautiful winter day in LA in the morning.

Speaker 1 I'm driving in the set of a Jason Williams jersey on. White chocolate Jason Williams? Fuck yeah, when he played for the Kings.
Yeah, yeah. I'm in my expedition, Eddie Bauer, listening to Ja Rule.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 Don't, don't, don't. And I'm like, this is it.
And I go, I thought I'd be happier. I guess it wasn't fame.
I've got all the things I want. I have a development deal at Fox that's ending.

Speaker 1 I have one that's starting up again at CBS. I have a TV show.
I'm doing everything I've ever wanted to do. You're still doing the stand-ups throughout this? No.

Speaker 1 And so I lose it all, meet Leanne, fall in love.

Speaker 2 What do you mean you lose it all?

Speaker 1 Fire. It just goes away.
Shows aren't hits. What age was that? 27 is that day.
And then I meet Leanne at 29. Now from 27 to 29, I get back into stand-up really aggressively.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're like, this is what brought me to the party the first time. The lesson my dad gave me about humility, it was the biggest thing that ever helped because I was cool with sucking my pride in.

Speaker 1 I called up the improv. Now I've been on television shows.
There's cachet for a comedy club. And then Aaron's like, yeah, I can't really just give you spots, but if you want, I'll let you host.

Speaker 1 Hosting in LA is frowned upon. Back in the day, it was.
Meaning, that's not what a real comedian does. The first time I did it, my wife brought her best friend and a few friends.

Speaker 1 And her best friend said in front of everyone, oh, I didn't know you were going to host. Let us know when you do stand-up next time.
Oh.

Speaker 1 I was like, okay,

Speaker 1 stung. And I started hosting.
This is what I got to do. This is what I got to do.
And I just kind of worked my way back up.

Speaker 1 And then I got an opportunity to host in Ontario, which was a bigger opportunity.

Speaker 1 And then I met a couple couple guys and then I started touring and going out on the road and everything was going great, but not making any money.

Speaker 1 700 bucks a week, you got to pay managers and agents and you got to pay for travel and sometimes lodging. It's gone.
It's gone. But then I married Leanne and we were broke.

Speaker 1 So broke, I didn't know we were broke. One day she sent me to the store to get milk and I got a gallon of milk and I bought a tall boy at Foster's.
I was listening to Spoon.

Speaker 1 That's the way we'll get by. And I was on my skateboard and I was skating and we lived on Detroit Street and I was the happiest I'd ever been.
This is fucking it. Broke?

Speaker 1 no fame, but in the throes of stand-up. So good at stand-up at that time.
Two kids. My wife worked for the buildings.
We had a great apartment, and I had a tall boy of Foster's.

Speaker 1 And I was like, Leanne might be pissed that I bought beer with whatever money she sent me to the store with. Yeah, yeah.
And Leanne happened to be watching me skate home.

Speaker 1 When I got upstairs, she was like, Don't ever lose whoever just walked in that door.

Speaker 1 And I was like, Yeah, that's what you want. The fame wasn't the thing.
And I didn't know that. It was the work.
Doing stand-up was the thing I love. Yeah.
The purpose. The purpose.

Speaker 1 Now, listen, I am famous now, and I fucking love it. Access to anything is

Speaker 1 your particular version of fame is really fun because you're a good time Charlie. You're like a turnkey.
When you show up, people are like, oh, we're partying. That's the association.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So generally when people see you, they're fucking pumped to have a good time. I love to have a good time.

Speaker 1 When does the stand-up take off where you're headlining and you're starting to make good money? I worked for Travel Channel for like eight years. You would go to amusement parks and stuff.

Speaker 1 You would go on thrill rides. You jumped off the stratosphere and you're afraid of all this stuff.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Eight years. I did that for three years and then I did another show called Trip Flip for four years.
I was also a little bit of like a rover for them.

Speaker 1 They needed someone to do something that could plug me in. I was always good with ad sales.
I could help sell Carnival Cruises and then they go, let's just do a show about Carnival Cruises.

Speaker 1 We got money from Carnival Cruises. I got fired from that.
For a specific reason or just it ran its course? No, it just ran its course. I was like, I would sign deals.

Speaker 1 Millian always says, don't say fired, but that's what it feels like.

Speaker 2 They just didn't renew your deal.

Speaker 1 The lady called me and she was like, hey, I think we're done working with you. We're not going to renew your deal.
She had never worked with me. She was a new president.
She was like, so good luck.

Speaker 1 Really cold. I could take back one conversation in the world.
It would be that one. So I was like, okay, but you know, I don't want to work with anyone.
Like, I was just so needy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, scared.

Speaker 1 My Showtime special was coming out. This is 2016.
The machine. Yeah.
That's the game changer, right? Not yet. Here's what happened.
I had the deal over at NBC. I lose interest in that.

Speaker 1 I'm kind of going through, I guess, what is depression. I find out.
I mean, I don't know what depression feels like for real people, but my thing of it, where it just sucks a little bit.

Speaker 1 You went down to a 7.5 for a couple of weeks. Yeah.
I was spending longer on the toilet than I normally do.

Speaker 1 I was only able to sleep nine hours uninterrupted last night.

Speaker 1 I put a lot of chips in this special, the machine. I was like, this is going to pop.
They told me when I shot it, they're like, hey, can we do one version with your shirt on? When did that start?

Speaker 1 You doing stand up with your shirt off? I couldn't tell you exactly. I would say probably 12 years ago.
I was in Dayton, Ohio. It was not a sold room.
It was like 75 people.

Speaker 1 And I was like, this is not where I want to be in life, let alone this actual place. And Doc brought me a six pack of beer in a bucket.
And he's like, have fun tonight.

Speaker 1 I heard it as fucking good luck. And I thought, man, these people paid money.
They don't deserve to see me get upset and say I'm not happy. So I got on stage and Doc was in the booth.

Speaker 1 He was playing Ram Jam, Black Betty. Hey, hold on, Brunny.
Here I'm here. Hey,

Speaker 1 the pacing to walk to stage is pretty awesome. And it fired me up.
And I got up there and I went, fuck this. And I ripped my shirt off.
75 people went nuts.

Speaker 1 I think I murdered six beers in a row, back to back to back to back to back. Cause I kept looking at Doc.
I go, one more. and the place was like, yeah.
And it was a Thursday night, one show.

Speaker 1 You were like Steve Austin, stone cold. That energy.
And it started that night. I've been doing it ever since.
So weird how you can stumble into these things that are such signature.

Speaker 1 I do the Showtime special shirtless. This is back when changing a channel was a thing.
For anyone listening, there was a thing you hold in your hand and there was a plus and a minus sign.

Speaker 1 And you decide to go up a channel or down a channel if you didn't like what you saw. And mostly you spent the entire two hours flicking.
You never even watched a whole thing.

Speaker 1 This is the difference in media. Not to get too heady heady on this.
When you had that remote in your hand, you were Caesar. You were thumbs up, thumbs down.

Speaker 1 So now the thing in traditional media where you have the remote in your hand and you're Caesar and a guy shirtless comes on stage and you go, oh, fuck that.

Speaker 1 Click is the exact opposite on the internet. You see a guy with your shirt off and you go, wait, what's that? Click.

Speaker 1 And so I shot the machine, lowest special they'd ever had a short time. Oh, no, they told you that.
How did you even find that out?

Speaker 1 They told us and they were like, you know, you could help to remote it. I was like, huh? And they're like, it's tracking to be the lowest we've ever done

Speaker 1 i heard someone say this at the oscars success in hollywoods means i get to work again i get to keep working exactly that's right but this meant i might not keep working yeah last special you'll ever have now i look at my tour dates and i have no tickets sold and they're like you know you got to fix this somehow and i was like oh my god now at the time i was supposed to do a tour with tommy it was funny or die i was supposed to do four weekends sebastian tommy fluffy dane i think was on eliza it was gonna be fun i was getting paid two thousand dollars a weekend which isn't bad money and then they pulled my weekends and i told tom and i was like it's so crazy, man.

Speaker 1 They pulled my weekends. And he was like, holy shit, man, that's a lot of money.
And I went, well, it's only like $2,000. He goes, $2,000 a show? I said, no, $2,000 for the weekend.

Speaker 1 And he goes, no, I think you got that wrong. I go, what are you getting paid? Oh, no.
With boys, right? Yeah. And I was like, I don't know if I want to tell you.
And I was like, why?

Speaker 1 And he goes, I'm afraid it'll fuck up our friendship. So I'm sitting there in my man cave.
I'm like, all right, give me a second. I go, can I be happy for this man's success?

Speaker 1 And what's the price point where I can be happy? And where's the price point where I'm going to be like, okay, fuck that guy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So in my head, I go, if he's getting 20,000 for the weekend, I'm happy for him. I said, what are you getting? And he goes, I'm getting 20,000.
I went, cool. And he goes, a show.

Speaker 1 A show? A fucking show? I go, you're making 80 grand on these weekends. And he was like, I told you I didn't want to tell you.
And I was like, I already decided we're friends.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, okay, I'm cool.

Speaker 1 But then in that time, we're doing a little podcast called Rogan, which at the time is not what it is today. Meaning you were appearing on it.
Yeah. And Rogan loves that we're fat shaming.

Speaker 1 So Tom and I go on, we talk about the fat shaming. He goes, why don't we do weigh-ins at the end of the year, January 1st, 2nd, and 3rd? We'll do three sets of weigh-ins.

Speaker 1 That's three episodes of Rogan, back to back-to-back, where people are tuning in because we've talked about it. You guys do the weight loss challenge, see who loses the most weight in December.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, okay, my special bombed. So I'm trying to figure out how to rebound.
I go, I know how to edit. I get the raw file of my special and I edit out four clips.
to post on Facebook, Twitter.

Speaker 1 I've learned it all. I've learned how to make graphics.
I write my own graphics. I post the machine story December 27th.
Me and Tom go in to do weight loss challenges on the first and second.

Speaker 1 And during that week, the machine story goes viral. I'd never experienced anything like it.
And that first week in Jersey at the stress factory, Weightstaff Raffle, that was the first club I sold out.

Speaker 1 And I said to them on Saturday night, I go, why are you guys here? And someone goes, the fucking machine. And I go, I retired that.
And he goes, the fuck, you did.

Speaker 1 Tell it. That's the only reason we're here.
Yeah. So I told the machine at that moment, 2017, that first weekend, January 8th, 9th, and 10th, I sold out every show I've ever done.

Speaker 1 God, that's only eight years ago. I got it late in life, which is the best thing that can happen.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Because you're so rich now.
Oh, you're so rich. You can Google it.
I've gone out. Okay, so really quick, I want to know.
So you've since done, I guess, five stand-up specials.

Speaker 1 This will be your fourth on Netflix. You had the show at Time One.
You had a couple on Comedy Central. Last year when you toured, did you do a full tour last year? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Last year was my arena tour. Okay, so how many dates did you do? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I do more dates than the average comic, which is fascinating because if you look at when they post all our earnings, you know, top 10 most earning comics. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You look where I am and you're like, wow, that's impressive. But then when you look at the other comics and you're like, oh, Chappelle only did 13 dates, you're like, that's not that impressive.

Speaker 1 That's the thing that's like deceptive about those things.

Speaker 1 But who cares? You can get it anyway. Who cares? But I work a lot.
I always do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, three weeks a month with maybe a week off.

Speaker 1 I would go out Wednesday, do first weekend. So do you fly to meet your tour bus? I'd fly to meet my tour bus.
Okay. And then then Monday, I'd fly to go see Tommy in Austin.

Speaker 1 We do podcast Tuesday, and then I'd leave Tuesday night to go meet the tour bus. I'd do another run.

Speaker 1 I'd then fly out to do more podcasts or fly back to DuPod and then go back out and meet my tour bus. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 This is a lot.

Speaker 1 When you don't have anything, not say I didn't have anything, but when you wanted the success, you wanted the fans, you wanted the opportunity to do stand-up.

Speaker 1 all over the country and have people show up. When it shows up, you're like, I am not letting go of this.
I look at like NFL players and they have have all their great years when they're 22, 23, 24.

Speaker 1 I'm so lucky to have them at 49, 50, 51, 52 to a movie. And then you're getting all these opportunities.
You just don't want to say no. You're like, fuck yeah, man, let's get after it.

Speaker 1 And you don't feel overwhelmed by all those commitments. Overshare.
Yeah, please do. A year ago, we're closing out our festival and the girls in Leanne were like, cut the shit.

Speaker 1 If I'm not mistaken, I think they had a bed for me at Betty Ford. Those are hard to come by, by the way.
Yeah. And had to talk with me, but they're like, dad, he can't stop working.

Speaker 1 He can't stop drinking. He can't stop eating.
I was 285 pounds. And I saw it in me first.

Speaker 1 And I said to myself, let me get through this tour and then I'm going to stop.

Speaker 1 I'm going to take some time off and I'm going to clean my lifestyle up and I'm going to still work, no booze, eat keto, lose weight.

Speaker 1 And what's crazy is randomly a friend of ours was going a little harder than I was. And he took that bed.
And no one said anything to me, but I had already quit drinking like 13 days before.

Speaker 1 Everyone was chomping at the bit to tell me, but I'd already got in front of it. And then I quit drinking for like three months.
I lost 55 pounds.

Speaker 1 I got in really good shape and I started touring again and I was doing it in a very healthy manner. But what was happening was I've never really taken a break.

Speaker 1 Don't you think it's also dangerous when you have this thing to lean on, which is like something's working so well in your life, you're like, yeah, I'm drinking more than I should, but everything's going exactly how I would want.

Speaker 1 It's very hard to confront when everything's working. It's wildly difficult to tell someone that's bringing in millions of dollars that what they're doing isn't working.

Speaker 1 No one touches the golden goose, even if the golden goose bites you in the dick a couple of times. But at the end of July, they were witnessing the same.

Speaker 1 I just shot my special and they're like, what are you going to do? Are you going back on the road? And I planned a European tour.

Speaker 1 And they're like, dad, why don't you take some real time off, get grounded. And I didn't understand that getting grounded meant getting really lost.

Speaker 1 In order to get grounded, you're going to be scared. Yeah.
With all the distractions gone and you have to sit with yourself. So I took a break.

Speaker 1 And in taking a break, I was like, yo, I'm very fucked up.

Speaker 1 i need distractions i need something in front of me i need a goal i need to sell some tickets i got to write a script my wife's like no no you're not doing anything you can do podcasts but that's it i've been off in a ditch trying to figure myself out and then just recently we got that bench press competition all of a sudden started writing so i had a goal i understood goals and i was like cool And then I had a show.

Speaker 1 By the way, you just have to set goals on the personal frontier. Like you can still be goal driven.

Speaker 2 Just can't be

Speaker 2 externally motivated.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They're all for me, the creative frontier.
I can set goals creatively. But like personally, I go, I don't know, man.
My wife and I got in couples therapy. That helped immensely.

Speaker 1 We're not having a problem. We did it because I'm home for the first time.
Yeah. My girls are gone.
It's me and her.

Speaker 1 We have a joke where when we wake up, instead of saying, I love you, she just goes, you again, huh?

Speaker 1 And so couples therapy started really opening my eyes to some shit about me. I mean, I think she got me into couples therapy just to get me into therapy.
I know a few women who've done that.

Speaker 1 He's not going to go solo, so I guess I'll have to fucking sit through his session.

Speaker 1 Dude, I smoked her on the first one.

Speaker 1 Fucking kill her. She's intense.
No, I smoked her. Oh.
She lost so bad. I look at it win or lose.
Yeah, of course. Everything is competition.

Speaker 1 By the way, if he cries in couples therapy, that's a cheat. It's a funny cheat.

Speaker 1 If everything's like pretending to call a fair catch and then catch again, run. I go, no, if you cry, we're over.
Damn it.

Speaker 2 No, that's your fault for not being able to sit through her crying.

Speaker 1 I said, this is kind of an unfair therapy because she's crying. She's unfair.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like, that's my feeling.

Speaker 1 Oh, you want me to cry? I can easily whip up some tears. Show me a commercial.
Yeah, let me tell you.

Speaker 1 The Grateful Dead song.

Speaker 1 But on the first therapy, we were in there. Leanne just really loves therapy.
She's talking and talking, and I'm just trying to feel it out. And I went and say something, Leanne cut me off.

Speaker 1 And the lady goes, do you ever let him talk? And I was like, take the win. I was like, I'm just going to sit back in the cut.
And I'd be like, seldomly.

Speaker 1 You've been with me for what, an hour? And I let you say a fucking word.

Speaker 2 So you were playing a game.

Speaker 1 She smoked me a couple times. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 And And I know this next week, I'm definitely going to fucking lose. I'm going in just taking a knee.
Because she's got some real things to report.

Speaker 2 What'd you do?

Speaker 1 It was a good one. I can't even talk about it because I got to let it happen first and then run it by Leanne.
Because it was a real one. And it wasn't my fault.
But I was like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 But it was. I really wish I might have told you.
I mean, we brought it up in front of friends the other day and it started again.

Speaker 1 And I went, oh, I was like, okay, maybe I can't make a joke out of this one. Can I make a joke out of everything? Like, my daughter got her period.
I talked about it on stage.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what is the vibe at home? Because almost all your stories involve your wife and your girls, and you do an impression of your wife. It varies wildly throughout the show, and you acknowledge it.

Speaker 1 How comfortable are they? What's that dynamic like? It's interesting. When I started doing stand-up and using social media, it wasn't a thing yet.
There was no chance of your family seeing.

Speaker 1 No one was doing specials. You're just on the road talking shit about your family.
That's right. And the harder it went, the funnier it went.

Speaker 1 I remember telling the first joke I told that caught traction. George and Isla were laughing one morning early in the morning.
I said, what are you guys doing?

Speaker 1 They're like, you got to see baby Isla's new trick. I go, what is it? She's like, it's not that funny if I tell you, you got to see it.
I said, okay.

Speaker 1 So Isla is three at the time, takes her finger, shoves it up her ass, and puts it in the dog's mouth. Oh my God.
Yeah, wow. They figured that out.
It turned into a good bit.

Speaker 1 And I told it. And then, by the way, I go to do a special.
They're only like five and seven. Tell it again.
They're not going to hear it.

Speaker 1 And then do another one. And then they're seven and 10.
And then they're 10 and 13. And the first time it bit me in the ass was the period party.
I mean, it's like such a good bit. It writes itself.

Speaker 1 I didn't have to do anything. It was presented to me as a fucking banger on a silver platter.

Speaker 1 13 years old, kid gets her period of school, calls dad and says, hey, go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I'm throwing a period party tonight.
I'm like, okay.

Speaker 1 And so I tell it on Conan. Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 She didn't like it. Oh, boy.
Well, anytime schoolmates can get wind of it, that's what you don't want them to have to deal with. Conan walks in and he's like, hey, man, how are the girls?

Speaker 1 I said, good, good, I'm good. And I said, Isla just got her period.
And he went, oh, I said, yeah, you're telling me. I go, we had a period party.
And he was like, wait, what?

Speaker 1 And I tell him the story. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, save it.
Can you tell it on stage? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause you're like, you want to do well.
Yes. You want to make Conan happy.

Speaker 1 And then that night, Isla watched it. How are your girls? Good.
Ila just got a period. She has probably, she goes, do people watch this?

Speaker 1 I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, how many? I said, a lot.

Speaker 1 She was like, will people in my school see this? And I was like, yeah, probably. She was like, wait, let me see this.
Take it back. And then I was like, oh, my God.
She was fine.

Speaker 1 I could tell something was off. And then the next morning, Leanne was like, Isla, I need you to see something.
And it was a flood of emails of little girls going, thank you. You're my hero.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for sharing. Yeah, okay.
So it had a positive ending. I just got my period today.
My dad's doing a period party for me. I put my finger on my S and put it in the red velvet cake.

Speaker 1 And then the dog ate it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, I think that's much worse than the period party.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I can get away with that at three.

Speaker 1 And then the last special, or maybe the one before, she had a line that I wanted to use so bad. It was so good.
You ran it by her, and she said, No, I didn't even run it by her. She saw my set.

Speaker 1 The girls now come and vet my sets. Oh, okay.
That's fair. They've learned.

Speaker 1 They were at the forum with notebooks going, nope. She was like, Yeah, you can't put that in the special.
I go, but you said it. She goes, I know it, but I said it to you.

Speaker 1 She goes, I can't be the person that said that out loud to everybody. Yeah.
And I was like, baby, I'll give you 20 grand.

Speaker 1 She was like, no. And I just kept going up.

Speaker 1 Them and Leanne initially, when I was doing it at the forum, I had done so much of this shit about Leanne that it kind of came out angry-ish. Yeah, angry.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they were like, yo, dad, you're losing your smile in this joke. And then my director said that to me and my best friend who produces my specials, he goes, yeah, man, the smile's gone.

Speaker 1 Like, I think you've been doing it too much. You need to stop and then find it again.
And so I got the smile back for it because I talk shit about. a 54 almost threw up saying it.
54 year old woman.

Speaker 1 If you don't make that fun, it does sound like you're shitting on women ages. And we need to know at all times you're deeply in love with Leanne.

Speaker 2 it's a fine line to walk.

Speaker 1 My danger isn't politics and my danger isn't racial shit. And they may have been at times in my career.
I mean, I have a political joke in the special, but I don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 No one's going to fucking lead me for it. Well, you'll love it.
He takes a very pro-choice stance on behalf of

Speaker 1 it. Love it.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're going to also dislike some of it. Okay, cool.
Cool.

Speaker 1 So you actually watched the special? Yeah, yeah. I watched it last night.
Of course. Yeah, yeah.
Thank you. Okay, so I love Burt Kreischer, Finder of Things.

Speaker 1 This is your self-proclaimed identity marker. And I think this is the funniest trait to have.
How does one come to this realization that this is your knack? It's a little bit of delusion.

Speaker 1 When I was 14 years old, we were in Anna Maria Island. I was with the Lazaro family.
We were in Chest High Water. And Benny Lazaro said, oh, shit, I just lost my ring.
And I went, really?

Speaker 1 And I had this feeling that God whispered in my ear, you'll find it. And I swear to God, I went over to where he was.
I put my foot down and I stood on his ring. Wow.

Speaker 1 And you're a hero. I went underwater and I grabbed it.
And this is my thing. I love the sparkle.
I said, Uncle Benny, what are you going to say to me if I say I have your ring in my hand right now?

Speaker 1 He said, I'll tell you right now, if you are holding my ring in your hand, you are my favorite child in this water and I love you more than my son. Ah, great.
And boom.

Speaker 1 And he went, how the fuck did you do that? I go, I don't know. And my whole life, I've been able to do that my fucking whole life.

Speaker 1 If you lose something, I have a weird confidence where I just go, I'll find it. And by the way, also, I'll put in the work to find it.
Some people go, oh, let's look. And then they don't really look.

Speaker 1 And I I go, uh,

Speaker 1 you're not really committed to this finding. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, and you have to, because it's now an identity breaker. If you don't find it, you don't know who you are now.
I'm going to tell you, this is a wild one.

Speaker 1 15 years ago, back when SeaWorld was acceptable to people, we went to SeaWorld San Diego. And you could go guilt-free.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We were like, that was cool. Shammu rocks.
He looked happy. Since we don't have Shamu, have you noticed the orcas are acting up a little bit? Do you think they want Shamu back?

Speaker 1 I think they might have found out what we did. They're not afraid of us anymore.
Interesting.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of theories out there, but we have not considered that shamu went and told everything it's like remember your friend who's liked to cigarette in his bedroom you're like what are you doing she's like that won't do to me anymore i'm 15 what's she gonna say you old lady and that's the orcas yeah they're like spoiled rotten kids they're like wait we're bigger and smarter than these people anyway we go to sea world and we're walking through the parking lot and i find a diamond ring with an engravement in it and i go wow that's crazy so i'm gonna give this back to the person i'm gonna find the person that this is and lean said honey i call sea world and i go lost and found they go yeah yeah no one reported a ring just drop it off i go no no no, no, because I don't trust you guys.

Speaker 1 I already see what you're doing. Shamu.

Speaker 1 You're not a house of ethics here.

Speaker 1 By the way, Twitter's not even around yet. Probably a year later, I post a clip.
I hold on to this ring. I'm like, hey, I found a ring at SeaWorld.
It's got an engravement. It's rubies and a diamond.

Speaker 1 It's a really nice ring and it's expensive. And I go, if you lost this ring, find me.
My daughter comes in. She's young.
She's dressed as a kitty cat. It's a cute video.
Radio silence.

Speaker 1 At one point, we're really low on money. And Leanne goes, if we sell this ring, it could get us out of the hole.
And I said, that's not our ring to sell.

Speaker 1 That's someone's ring that I'm holding until I give it to them. This is like a George Costanza type storyline.
Delusional. It's very endearing.
I go on podcasts. I talk about the ring.

Speaker 1 I talk about the fucking ring everywhere.

Speaker 1 I have this ring. I'm pretending to hold it in my hand right now.

Speaker 1 2020, seven years later, my wife calls and says, someone reached out about the ring.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I said, for real. She goes, yeah.
She says it's her mother's ring. She knows the inscription and she lives in San Diego and she would like to come to your show.
I have a show there.

Speaker 1 And if she gives you the right inscription, then it's obviously her ring. This woman comes up with her husband.
She's emotional and she goes, I think you have my mother's ring. What's the inscription?

Speaker 1 She goes, the inscription is in cursive. It's L-H-plus.

Speaker 1 Those are my parents' initials. And I go, here's your mother's ring.
You didn't make her go, what are you going to say if I, because you like to do that part. You like a lot of acclaim.

Speaker 1 I go, here's your mother's ring. Do you think your mother would be happy that I gave you her ring back? So a little bit of that.
She looks at me and she goes, my mother's a cunt. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 She goes, I swear to God,

Speaker 1 she died and she gave me this one ring and I hated my mother. And I was at SeaWorld and it fell out of my purse.

Speaker 1 And I said, she fucking lost this ring because she hated me and she wanted to prove me a lesson. And I go, really? I go, what are you going to do with the ring now?

Speaker 1 She goes, I'm going to fucking sell it. And I went, wow.
I should have sold the goddamn ring. It could have helped us.
Wow. Kids could have gone to private school.
Wow, what a turn.

Speaker 1 Almost if she said, like, I threw that away in a parking lot so I'd never hear about it or see it again.

Speaker 2 I didn't want to be reminded of her. Yeah.
Keep talking about it.

Speaker 1 I have always found shit. You know what I'm doing to promote this special? And my wife thinks I'm a lunatic.
I see pennies all the time. I always pick up pennies.
Look.

Speaker 1 This is the eight-year-old

Speaker 1 inside of you. If you can get me into a game,

Speaker 1 you have Burt Loss for the day. I'm set.
So I got $100 worth of pennies. That's a lot of fucking pennies.
Oh, my God. It's too many pennies.
10,000 pennies. I'm throwing them all over the city.

Speaker 1 I put them in front of people's cars. So when they go to their car, they're like, hey, good luck.
I don't know if it works or or not, but maybe.

Speaker 2 That's a nice gesture. I like that.

Speaker 1 If you can gamify life,

Speaker 1 come on.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

Speaker 1 If you dare.

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Speaker 1 At this point, what generates more income for you? Doing stand-up or the podcasts? Stand-up. I go back on tour.
I haven't announced it, but I'll say it.

Speaker 1 I have a new tour called Permission to Party, which you came up with in an interview you were doing. I did.
I I was talking to this guy and he goes, I'm kind of confused.

Speaker 1 I've been to one of your shows.

Speaker 1 These guys are taking their shirts off and they're not in great shape and they're watching the whole show shirtless and they're with their wives and they're getting hammered. And he's like, why you?

Speaker 1 And I said this for real. I was like, I've always given people permission to party.
I've always been the guy that like a kid's birthday party. They're like, yo, are you going to ask for beer?

Speaker 1 Because we're all winning a beer. It's Sunday morning.
No one wants to be here. I had the same role.
I would always show up at my friend's house with a six-pack and they were like, oh, this is great.

Speaker 1 You brought a six-pack. We're doing this.
Like, yes, I would go first all the time. I love it.
I wasn't going to drink this weekend. So I was like, I'm going to get ready for the month.

Speaker 1 We just flown in from Spain. Saturday is four o'clock.
It's a beautiful Saturday. Remember, Saturday was a good one.
Yeah, it got really warm. Dan goes,

Speaker 1 I could have a glass of rosé. Now, I'll never say no to a glass of rosé ever in my life.
If I get sober,

Speaker 1 if you offer me rose, I'll still drink it. Yeah.
I love rosé.

Speaker 2 It's a good one.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It creeps up on you so quick.

Speaker 2 Oh, the pandemic, we drank so much rosé.

Speaker 1 I drank so much rose during the pandemic. Oh my God.
At one point, I go, am I just drinking perfume? Can I tell you how much rose they drank? Because we all hung out here.

Speaker 1 There's a liquor store that's two and a half blocks away.

Speaker 1 And I would get on my motorcycle and we started this thing where they would time me to see how fast I could arrive back at the house with four bottles of rosé. Hold on.
Am I finding my people?

Speaker 1 The final one was sub two minutes. It was like a minute and 45 seconds.
I was back. And then I got back.
I was like, I got to call it at that.

Speaker 1 I ran the red light i was going 95 miles an hour on franklin i left the gate open so i could blow in that's how bad we needed it we sent an alcoholic to go kick up our wine on a motorcycle can i tell you what i just discovered this year yeah compari spritz i don't know if i like campari i'm gonna have to try it compari tastes a little earthier So when I was a kid, there was a commercial, Campari on ice, oh, so nice.

Speaker 1 And I remember going, ooh, I want to get into Campari as a kid. What is Campari? You had big dreams.
Is that a brand or a type of alcohol? It's apertif, I think.

Speaker 1 And it's basically liqueur, but it's got a very earthy taste to it. Two parts Prosecco, two parts Kampari, splash of soda water.
Wow. I think you should make that tonight.

Speaker 2 I am going to Sunset Tower tonight, and so maybe.

Speaker 1 Can I, okay.

Speaker 1 Can we start a game? Sure. Because once again, if you gamify life, this would be so fun.
We got to do a three-way text because I can't text

Speaker 1 creepy if I'm like. What are you fucking the old vice president? Mike's name? Pence.
Oh, yeah. Mike Pence can't be in a room with a woman other than his wife unless someone else is present.

Speaker 1 So be very clear. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You are. I never, but we should do a group text

Speaker 1 where we text each other what to drink. Maybe we're emotional cheating in that.
Then I'm like, I want to be where she is. Yeah, you'd be like, oh, I'm killed for that.
They don't have that at my bar.

Speaker 1 Wait, what bar are you at? Yes. I had a very attractive female comic.
She goes, you know, I really like you. And I was like, thanks.
She's like, I feel like we connect. And I go, we kind of do.

Speaker 1 She was like, would you be my drinking buddy? Sometimes I want to go get a drink, but I don't want to get hit on.

Speaker 1 And I kind of just want to have a buddy that I can talk shit with with and talk shit about comedy, would you be my drinking buddy? And I was like, Yeah. So one night, I'm at home with Leanne.

Speaker 1 It's like eight o'clock at night. And I get a call from her.
I go, Hey, what's up? She goes, Hey, I'm going out. You want to come meet me up? I was like, Yeah, done.

Speaker 1 I go, Hey, I got to go. She's like, What's going on? I was like,

Speaker 1 What's your name? She said, We're going to go out. And Leanne's like, I go on a date.
And I go, No, just me and her. It's like, we're going to go drink.
And Leanne's like, Hold on.

Speaker 1 You're not going out drinking with just a random woman. I go, It's not a random woman.
I've known her for ages.

Speaker 1 We connect. I had to call her back and go, My wife won't let me come.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you a person for real, she'd admit this. She'd make fun of me for saying this.
Whitney Cummings and I have a real connection as comics, almost like brother and sister.

Speaker 1 She is really close with my daughters, really close to my wife. But I will tell you this, and this is my perspective, or more importantly, it's Leanne and her boyfriend, Chris's perspective.

Speaker 1 If we go out on a double date, Whitney and I just take off on our own. We went to the Greek to go see Sturgil and both of them were looking at us like, are you guys together?

Speaker 1 Are we going to be here? And then we went to her kid's kid's birthday party and Whitney and I just took off. Now, let me ask you this, though, because my wife is so grateful for that.

Speaker 1 I have several friends that are female that I get on with like that. And my wife is like, oh my God, thank God I don't have to receive all of his energy tonight.

Speaker 1 It's on someone else's plate and he needs to talk so fucking much. And I don't want to talk that much.
She's like grateful for it. Leanne,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to bite my tongue because I'm trying to say like the first time Leanne saw me and Whitney hang out. And now Whitney is like a sister to me.

Speaker 1 And and I mean that for real my daughters call her Aunt Whitney you got her name tattooed on your back like you're bros yeah we went to dr. Wu whatever

Speaker 1 my wife's like you can't ignore it because you guys are good together so she's like if you have a show you need to hire her as your wife or your sister you need to work together yes she was like but remember your chemistry is just funny she's like if you fucked her she wouldn't like it

Speaker 1 yeah don't get confused yeah don't get confused i really honestly love whitney like a sister so you text her right obviously you're not only on three-way text.

Speaker 1 I gotta be honest with you, I bet it's a three-way text. Wow.
But you know, also, I don't read text. So like a lot of people go, if I'm gonna text Bert, I'll text Leanne too.

Speaker 2 I guess the four of us could be on a text.

Speaker 1 No, we couldn't do it. It couldn't be one-on-one because it would turn into emotional achievement.
Okay. All right.
Okay. Okay.
I gotta try to do it.

Speaker 2 But I am gonna have a martini tonight. So I am telling you now that is what I'm gonna be doing.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Let's play the game just live then. Yeah, live.
Okay, tell me what to drink, and I'll tell you what to drink. And this got to be the first drink you have.
Oh, this is a fun game.

Speaker 1 Have you had Fournette?

Speaker 2 I have. That's a.
It's an aperitif, too, I think.

Speaker 1 So my buddy Mark Smalls always has a shot of Fournette to start the night. Oh.
And it turned into a fun thing where we'd all have a shot of Fournette and no one really enjoys Fournette.

Speaker 1 But if you drink Fournette enough, you start to enjoy the fact that you don't like it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Get me on a new one. All right.

Speaker 1 It's a fun way to take the thinking out of it. Just walk up and go, shot of Fournette, please.
You're already trying to limit the amount of drinks that you like.

Speaker 1 So the notion of making yourself like one that you don't like is really fun.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm going to do it. But okay, I'm telling you your drink, and you should invite your wife in to do this.
You should make this for both of you.

Speaker 1 No, it's just me and you okay cool great a bee's knees don't even tell me what it is do you know what it is can i tell you kind of the fun of this is going can i get a bee's knees please oh and then sipping it and going oh she knows me so well

Speaker 1 great but do they know it everywhere yeah if you go to a good place i'll know it i like a brandy alexander and a pack of palm oh yeah yeah

Speaker 1 Well, Bert, you're a goddamn delight. We really did it.
Just like when I was on yours, we went for it. We went hard.

Speaker 1 I'm so glad that I get to eat my words and say, I'm so happy you got into podcasting. Oh, thank you.
I'm being serious, man.

Speaker 1 If for nothing, I've said this to you before, people have brought this up to me about what a great, great episode. And I'm the same way, live by the sword, die by the sword, where I'm 100% honest.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm over honest. Maybe I over share.
But when you talked about falling off the wagon, I remember where I was when I listened to it.

Speaker 1 I remember just how vulnerable it was and how cool it was to hear someone take accountability and the conversation you got. It was just incredible.
I think it was during the pandemic. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was in the pool listening to it. Only real podcast listeners, us diehards, know the feeling when you've got a phone and you're just right there and you're with every word.

Speaker 1 And someone's like, hey, can I go? Hang on, stop. I'm in the middle of something.
And they're like, what? My friend Dax fell off the fucking.

Speaker 1 I know him so well. Just flushed 16 years of sobriety.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up. It's crazy.
I said, when I first met Rogan, I'd listened to so much of the podcast. He invited me to do the podcast.
I went to his house. I go, I know this guy.
He's like my buddy.

Speaker 1 And I never met him. I was like, hey, hey, man.
He's like, it's good to meet you. And I was like, I know you.
And he was like, what? And I was like, I need to meet your dogs.

Speaker 1 I need to see your deprivation tank. I want to play a game of pool.
I want to get high. And then I'll be ready.
I go, look, man, I'm a big fan. I need to get this out.

Speaker 2 It's an interesting fun relationship podcasters and their listeners. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, everyone, check out Lucky.
It's on Netflix. Couldn't be easier for you to consume.
It's hilarious. I really adore you.
I'm really glad that we got to do each other's shows. I am too.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're such a sweet boy.
Truly. You're such

Speaker 1 a big old fucking heart in you, and I love it. Well, I think it's just because I drink a lot.
Yeah. Enlarged.
Well, it is probably enlarged,

Speaker 1 but it's also very sweet. All right.
So, everyone, watch Lucky, and we'll do this again. I can't wait.
He is an arm care expert, but he makes mistakes all the time. Think God Monica's here.

Speaker 1 She's gotta let him have the facts.

Speaker 1 I loved that show.

Speaker 2 So did I.

Speaker 1 I loved it.

Speaker 2 I loved anything that was like inside,

Speaker 2 inside information into the lives of celebrities. So wild.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I loved Cribs

Speaker 1 and,

Speaker 1 you know, so nosy. I wanted to know how everyone lived, what their style was, how big their house was.
Yeah. What kind of cars they had.

Speaker 1 But you know what else was fun about Cribs is like they would do like an LA actor. Yeah.
And they had like an okay house. Right.

Speaker 1 Anytime they were in Atlanta for like a rapper or a basketball player, everyone everyone had like 10,000 square foot houses on acreage and then huge driveways full of cars.

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh yeah, it's a lot more bang for your buck in other places.

Speaker 2 That's true. I wasn't thinking like that back then.

Speaker 1 You weren't.

Speaker 2 So I was just a little girl.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's our age difference. How old were you when you were watching it?

Speaker 1 Did it make you uncomfortable? Because so many of them were set up for partying. It was all about like.

Speaker 2 Okay, you don't even know me.

Speaker 1 Some of these places had dance clubs in them.

Speaker 2 I used to booty bump. You don't even.

Speaker 2 okay. I think I was older than that.
Let's see when Cribs came out. That's when was its uh-oh, that's not a good Google because you know what it says.

Speaker 1 You know who's got a great episode of Cribs? Maybe the best?

Speaker 1 Rosenbaum. Really? Oh, yeah.
He had someone like hiding under the sheets in the bedroom when they were looking at the bedroom, and then the guy jumped out of the bed.

Speaker 2 Mariah Carey also had one.

Speaker 1 Well, hers was infamous more than it was

Speaker 1 because she seemed a little unstable. She like took a bath during her episode.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there was some, I remember a bath.

Speaker 1 If a guy did that, he'd go to jail, probably.

Speaker 2 Not then.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah. Premiered in 2000.
So I was 12.

Speaker 1 12.

Speaker 2 But you were a lot older.

Speaker 1 I was 24.

Speaker 1 I was ready to go to one of those nightclubs in the house.

Speaker 2 It is so crazy how age starts to mean nothing, but when you're young, it is, this is, this is just real proof

Speaker 2 that i'm older no no that like these when people are like oh it's not that big of a deal if like this 16 year old is what it's it is like when i think about being the age i was watching cribs yeah and then being 24 yeah

Speaker 2 wildly

Speaker 1 Who was your favorite? What are your favorite episodes of Cribs?

Speaker 2 Okay, I need to see

Speaker 1 top 10 best episodes of Cribs. It's funny to me.
Now, mind you, I got to remember everyone that participated in Cribs was in their 20s.

Speaker 2 Pretty cool. No, Richard Branson.

Speaker 1 They did his island. Yeah.
I remember that one.

Speaker 2 Private island.

Speaker 1 Yes. 10 best houses on MTV Cribs.
Lil Wayne.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. They did Beyonce.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Lil Wayne.
He has a like a plastic hot tub in the dead middle of his living room.

Speaker 1 A lot of athletes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Mariah Carey in her bathtub, as we just got.
Shaq.

Speaker 2 That was Orlando.

Speaker 1 I remember Shaq's house. Yep.
Tony Hawk,

Speaker 1 Russell Simmons. That was an older man.

Speaker 2 I saw that one. Yep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a huge mansion.

Speaker 2 And Will Morvalderama.

Speaker 1 Yes, he did his. Oh, the Playboy Mansion did a cribs.

Speaker 1 Aaron Carter, that's an infamous one. Yeah, 50 Cent.

Speaker 2 R.I.P., right?

Speaker 1 Who, oh,

Speaker 2 I think so.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's sad. Yeah, Branson.

Speaker 1 Oh, I wish they'd bring it back. But, anyways, once.
Did you do it? No, no, no, no. But I remember as soon as I owned a house thinking, like, oh, no, God, no, I don't want anyone to see where I

Speaker 2 live.

Speaker 2 I don't have that eye.

Speaker 1 Are you going to do an episode when your house is done? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I have cribs, but I do. I mean, you would do architectural.
The advanced version is architectural digest home tours, which I love.

Speaker 1 I love looking at them but i wouldn't participate in one you got a smell something's going on oh

Speaker 1 have you ever had a smell in your nose did you cook fish in your apartment last night okay as you're prone to do sometimes when you just get a smell in your nose

Speaker 1 you can't get it out i don't

Speaker 1 i don't smell it on me uh-huh

Speaker 1 i'm really panicked this is remember we learned some people's ocd is that they are fake

Speaker 2 okay they did 19 seasons of cribs.

Speaker 1 Whoa, but they're probably

Speaker 1 three a year. Yeah, yeah.
They had a break from 2010 to 2021. Okay, so 2010, yeah, so I could have definitely participated.
I think I was even asked.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 As an MTV alumni.

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. You would have been perfect for them.
But you didn't have like a bath. Do you not have things?

Speaker 1 I had an average house.

Speaker 2 You would show your cars, I guess, your motorcycles.

Speaker 1 Mostly what it would probably do.

Speaker 2 In the posters of yourself.

Speaker 1 In the garage. They're in the garage.

Speaker 2 Well, they were in the house, remember?

Speaker 1 Not posters.

Speaker 1 Bad, still bad. I can own it.

Speaker 1 But a lot of stills from the movies.

Speaker 1 Well, is that

Speaker 1 cool?

Speaker 1 Can I see one?

Speaker 2 What do you mean stills?

Speaker 1 Like, there's an on-set photographer, and there's a picture of me and

Speaker 1 Luke Wilson in Idiocracy in a scene, and it's I like the photo. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so I had a lot of I don't know if that's that bad actually

Speaker 1 Yeah post

Speaker 1 I thought it was like posters everywhere

Speaker 2 is that it

Speaker 1 I do have that photo, but that wasn't the one I had on display. Look at my hair.

Speaker 2 Look at you. You look so little.
You look just like Lincoln. It's crazy.

Speaker 1 But look at my hair dude. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 No, you just, I mean, I noticed this when we watched

Speaker 2 when we did

Speaker 2 without a paddle, you just look so different.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like your face has changed.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Isn't that weird? Yeah. Like, I obviously everyone gets older, but your face is, is different, I think.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I agree. I think my neck is a lot thicker, which I think changes the whole look of your face.
Oh.

Speaker 1 That's like one of the big things I noticed, like, when I'm watching Parenthood or something. Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, my neck was so was half the size of my neck now. You look different.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but is it bad? No. I look so different.

Speaker 2 No, I don't think it's bad at all. I think

Speaker 1 it kind of looks like me.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
You just look

Speaker 1 in idiocracy. I was fat.
Like I gained a bunch of weight really quickly. Yeah.
Like 37 pounds. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then this was months after. And so now I'm like, I'm halfway back to me being thin, which I always was on parenthood.

Speaker 2 This looks parenthood.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's parenthood. And I'm like 185 there.
In Zathura, I'm probably like 200. And then in Idiocracy, I'm 220.

Speaker 2 Can you, Rob, pull up

Speaker 2 when in Rome? Oh,

Speaker 2 that's the closest to your current body though.

Speaker 1 Nah, I was so thin. Like my way of getting

Speaker 1 ripped then was the traditional approach, which is like get really cut and you'll look big. So I was like 169, 170 for the like modeling shoot stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're looking.

Speaker 1 I look like I'm on Ozempic.

Speaker 2 Wow, you do look really thick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look how Zempic is.

Speaker 2 I want to see a front face.

Speaker 1 Rob, can you pull up? This probably sucks if you're listening. You can

Speaker 1 start

Speaker 1 Googling all this stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and also go to YouTube to watch us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like I look similar from a distance, but I'm so much lighter there.

Speaker 1 I'm a full 30 pounds lighter there. Your face face

Speaker 1 looks...

Speaker 1 My bottom lip looks super big because you're not going to be able to do that.

Speaker 2 Well, I think you're sticking it out there.

Speaker 1 I think it's just the light is interesting. Well, this is a real fun retrospect retrospective.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 With that watch I'm wearing, this is a bad story. I don't actually know you want to tell it.

Speaker 2 Wait, you have to now.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't really want to say it in public because people, anyways. What happened? We were trying.
I wanted to look douchey.

Speaker 1 douchey that was my goal for this character i was an underwear playing an underwear model yep yes really into himself yeah and so when we had the meeting with like what kind of jewelry and watches i would wear yeah um they just kept handing me different watches and then they handed me the one i'm wearing in that photo and i go oh my god this is perfect it's

Speaker 1 you didn't like i'm gonna let you finish okay yeah fill in what happened of course you were like this is perfect it's so douchey and then what happened it was someone's personal watch that had taken it off and just handed it in the pile.

Speaker 1 No. Yes.
And I felt so bad.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Why would they do that?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Because, yes, it was a little bit of a trap because we knew everyone in the room knew why we were doing what we were doing.
And then it was just handed to me.

Speaker 1 And I was like, yes.

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh, I.
I still at night think about that. I feel terrible about that.

Speaker 2 Did he cry?

Speaker 1 It's kind of a cool watch, though, now that I'm looking at it. I was,

Speaker 1 well, anyways, moving on, moving onward. Anyways,

Speaker 2 that is a horrible thing you did on accident. On accident, I know.

Speaker 1 I have way more of those than most people, I think. Or at least no one tells me their stories about no, I know.

Speaker 2 It's because you aren't very censored.

Speaker 1 Correct.

Speaker 2 And I think you've gotten much more censored.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So back then, of course,

Speaker 2 this is the douchiest watch ever.

Speaker 2 Fuck me. I'm puking.

Speaker 1 But wait, no, you remember you.

Speaker 1 You thought I was a lot, but then you watched idiography. Or maybe you watched Without a Pale and you said, oh, you still were sweet back then.
Isn't that your conclusion?

Speaker 1 But you had thought maybe I wasn't because I was using drugs and alcohol.

Speaker 2 Right. I just think, don't you think you've tamed instead of gone the other way

Speaker 2 over time?

Speaker 1 For sure. Yeah.
Yeah. I tell less fight stories.

Speaker 2 Anyone who's been in your life for a lot, way before me,

Speaker 2 says that.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes.
But I think maybe you thought I wasn't sweet back then. But I think I was still sweet.

Speaker 2 You were sweet, but I don't think, do you think you were like, I'm really afraid?

Speaker 2 You just weren't walking through life feeling like I might hurt someone's feelings.

Speaker 1 Well, I wasn't thinking that, but when I did, I felt like this, this situation I still think about. Yeah, you weren't like, well, fuck.

Speaker 2 20 years years ago and i'm like oh god what a terrible did you say i'm sorry in the moment oh yeah you did yes that probably made it worse probably

Speaker 1 what do you do though what was i to do

Speaker 1 you'd say actually actually i don't even know if this is the right one because it actually is it's pretty cool i think an apology is better than placate like trying to lie at that point You're doing an about face.

Speaker 2 I do an about face.

Speaker 1 You would. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 because i think they'll choose to believe the nice thing because it hurts to believe the bad thing do you know when i think of pretty often i accidentally was oh god it pains me to bring these up

Speaker 1 this one's not going to bother you as much but to me it's rough but someone's wife had gotten a new car okay and before we got to what kind it was

Speaker 1 I started making fun of the old RAV4.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because they look kind of like a Fisher Price car, the old one.

Speaker 2 Because you're still doing it.

Speaker 1 It's crazy how it looked.

Speaker 2 Callie had a RAV4. We used to cruise around in the car.

Speaker 1 I think it was the second, but I think I just read it's like the second or third best-selling car in America.

Speaker 2 You either had a RAV4 or a CR-V.

Speaker 1 You had a CR-V. Yeah.
I hadn't seen the new one. The new one looks way better.
It's a very good-looking vehicle.

Speaker 1 But I went on a little thing about how bad the RAV4 was. And then my friend said that's what she got.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh my, I felt so bad. And then I was like, this is worse than the watch.

Speaker 1 Look at that vehicle. That looks like a Play-Doh car.
It's like a wind-up car. Yeah, a wind-up car.
I stand by my aesthetic assessment of the old

Speaker 2 picture.

Speaker 1 It looks like something Ziggy would drive. Remember the cartoon Ziggy?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I don't. But that picture is

Speaker 1 very visual.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 Okay, the Rav4,

Speaker 2 I have so many great memories of Callie's Rav4.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a great car. Very dependable.
Everyone who's currently in one right now, I love it. But boy, they had just gotten a new car and I was bagging that.
That was bad. That was really bad.

Speaker 1 And I felt bad. And I still feel bad.
Then I saw the new one. Uh-huh.
And I'm like,

Speaker 1 I love the new one. And I don't know if my friend bought it.

Speaker 2 Oh, you said that. Yes.
So you did about face.

Speaker 1 I did.

Speaker 1 and which was your recommendation with the watch, but this one was actually sincere, and I think even the sincere version didn't work, didn't work. Oh,

Speaker 2 do you feel bad enough to like get them a new car?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, if that would erase the whole thing for sure. And if I could buy the other person a new watch and erase it, oh no, I would do it.

Speaker 1 This is there's a whole gray area where like they would never make a ninth step

Speaker 1 in a yeah, like I'm not gonna go make an amends. Oh, well, if it's it's bothering you.

Speaker 1 Well, and I said sorry on the day about the watch, but I just, I just think about it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I would love to figure out how to not think about it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's how I feel about that girl.

Speaker 1 Which, oh, wait, I kind of remember. With the mole.

Speaker 2 It's a worse story.

Speaker 2 It's the worst thing I've ever done.

Speaker 1 We make mistakes. I know.
We really do make mistakes. We really do.
Speaking of children, we just came from the most most life-affirming event

Speaker 1 yeah the rainbow run delta had a rainbow run the rainbow run

Speaker 1 she was so excited she was up very early

Speaker 1 she wanted to do a top knot for her running and um she painted a rainbow on her cheek yes i don't know if that was a transfer tattoo or painted on If she painted that, that's really impressive.

Speaker 2 So cute.

Speaker 1 Right on her cheek, a big rainbow. Yeah.
And she's in a little jumper. Oh, my God.
And we watch her run around and, and all the little kids run around.

Speaker 2 They basically run in a circle for 10 minutes each class.

Speaker 1 And then they've raised money per lap. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm there to see Delta first, but really close second is Freddy because he runs like a cassette.

Speaker 1 Freddie. Yes, who I want to adopt.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's really a cool, cool kid.

Speaker 1 One of the coolest. I don't know how someone's just born that way.

Speaker 2 I know you, you like ran out there to high-five him like you wanted his approval. Of course.

Speaker 1 And he high-fived me the first time. And then on the second lamp, I ran out and he ghosted me.

Speaker 2 You saw that. I saw, but I thought you were doing it to some random person.

Speaker 1 No, no, I was trying to get another round two. I got greedy with Freddie on another high-five.

Speaker 2 This is always your problem.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 It's the nature of an addict. Like, I liked it the first time.
I thought, well, let's keep doing that until it breaks.

Speaker 2 Which in this case was pretty quickly.

Speaker 1 It was quickly. He had enough.

Speaker 2 Man, it it was cute.

Speaker 1 But he did tell his mom. She told me that he said, I'm giving him a truck at some point.

Speaker 2 He's giving you a truck?

Speaker 1 No, I'm giving him a truck. Oh, yeah, he has it in his head that I'm giving him a truck.

Speaker 2 And I said, Do you think Delta promised him?

Speaker 1 Maybe. And I said, Fine, that's fine with me.
All he's got to do is marry Delta, and then

Speaker 1 he can have all my shit.

Speaker 2 This is such a common thing, I think, for parents. They like decide.

Speaker 1 They want kids to get married.

Speaker 2 Yes, they decide early. They want their kid to marry this kid.

Speaker 1 Well, and I don't, I want her to have like 20 relationships before

Speaker 1 she gets married.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 1 um, I think some parents want their kid to date from junior high all the way to adulthood, and I just don't think that's very likely.

Speaker 2 Do you want to hear just the best story ever? Yeah, so Elizabeth and Andy went to elementary school together,

Speaker 2 they went to elementary school. Uh, Andy was Elizabeth's first crush,

Speaker 2 she loved Andy, but Andy was like a punk, he was like a little punk kid, Okay, he's too cool. Uh-uh.
And he was into Prince and like snowboarding.

Speaker 2 And she thought that was really cool and different.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then they, you know, Andy moved a couple years later.

Speaker 1 Okay, to another town. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And she didn't see him for, you know, 20 years or something.
And she ran into him on the street in New York.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 And that's when they rekindled?

Speaker 2 Well, they never even kindled, but she was like, I like you.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. I like that story.

Speaker 2 Isn't that such a good story?

Speaker 1 It'd be like if you married Dairy Queen Guy, that's still an option.

Speaker 2 That is not the same. That'd be like if Andy was mean to Elizabeth.

Speaker 1 What if he came to you and said, I think about that once a week. I feel fucking terrible.
Yeah. I'm so sorry.
Yeah. I didn't know what I was saying.

Speaker 2 I was 12. I know you didn't.
It's fine. It's really fine.

Speaker 1 And I liked you then and I still like you well i know i'm not a dum-dum

Speaker 1 i'm i am now i work at very queen oh i'm good

Speaker 2 oh i would have been flipped yeah you're like well i can't be with you exactly that's the real arc of this yeah um okay back circling back yeah to the rainbow run circles uh yes circling so rainbow run it back

Speaker 2 um the architectural digest tours oh yes i would like to do that yeah yeah and i love those architectural digest op it's called like open door yeah i love those too and um and i would never do one yeah well walton did one recently and it was so good his place is gorgeous gorgeous yeah the hunting lodge in the hudson valley dakota johnson is your food here oh fuck

Speaker 1 our coffees here i i can grab it okay thank you Thanks, Wab.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I just love those. And I would really like to do it when my home is done.

Speaker 1 Okay, if you're listening to architecture. If you're listening,

Speaker 2 look, I'm not a big enough person for them to want me to do it, but

Speaker 2 my home

Speaker 2 is going to really be worth seeing.

Speaker 1 And I think you plus Nikki Kehoe.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what I mean. Like,

Speaker 2 it's them. It's Nikki Kehoe plus my architect, Bill, bill baldwin

Speaker 2 um they created like it's just incredible yeah i think very special

Speaker 1 so i would love for it to get some love yeah let's um if you're listening architecturally i'll manifest it yeah i think this could happen i'm gonna manifest it i wonder if people ever reach out to them i'm sure people do yeah but i'm not gonna okay i'm just gonna hope

Speaker 1 i'm gonna hope if you want it this is like dating this is like the hot guy if you want to be an architectural dine, just ask.

Speaker 2 This is the hot guy because I don't want to ask. I want them to come to me.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Yeah.
You got to ask in life. Oh, hold on.
We have a visitor. Mr.
Rogers is here.

Speaker 2 Oh, knock, knock, knock.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at these cute decorative cups. Wow.
What is what? Vanilla.

Speaker 2 Mine just has cinnamon.

Speaker 1 Whole milk and cinnamon.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I got to get my calcium in because of my bone density. Oh, right, because you hear hear

Speaker 2 me spoke to my mom the other day, and she asked me every other time I talk to her if I'm taking my calcium. And every time I say, no, no, I'm not taking that.
I'm not going to take it.

Speaker 2 So that's that.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert.

Speaker 1 If you dare.

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Speaker 2 Ooh, it's nice with cinnamon. I love cinnamon.
What's your favorite spice?

Speaker 1 I like cinnamon.

Speaker 1 Favorite spice? I like vanilla. I got vanilla.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have vanilla.

Speaker 1 I can't taste the vanilla. I wouldn't.

Speaker 2 Well, I guess I'll call it a spice.

Speaker 1 Vanilla is not a spice?

Speaker 2 Not really. It's a bean.
Here are your options. Thank you.

Speaker 2 I can't think of spices. Yeah, it's a weird question.

Speaker 1 I like rosemary and my pasta.

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah. Rosemary, oregano, coriander, cumin, thyme,

Speaker 2 black pepper. You could go black pepper.
Sarragon. Garlic powder, onion powder.

Speaker 1 Salt. Himalayan pink sea salt.

Speaker 2 Let's see if it's.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll go cinnamon because that's the only one that I associate with being sweet, even though on its own, it's not sweet, obviously.

Speaker 2 Salt is not considered a spice. I just am googling most popular spices.
Okay. Oh, no.
This is already salt, it is the first one. Yeah.
Ugh, AI.

Speaker 1 So this is the most used.

Speaker 2 Yeah, most commonly used spices, but it shouldn't say salt if it's not. It's like, that's the green hats.

Speaker 2 This is the green hat riddle that we still haven't told on here.

Speaker 1 Okay, do you want to do it now? Nope. Okay.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 Black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, chili powder, cumin, cinnamon, ginger.

Speaker 1 I like taco seasoning.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, that normally has

Speaker 2 chili powder, paprika, cumin, a lot of cumin, cumin, um,

Speaker 1 Salt, pepper. That's what I douse over my elk now.

Speaker 2 Oh, it is. I was wondering if you were still on your elk.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I made a big batch two days ago. Turmeric.

Speaker 2 Very good spice for you. Yeah.
Very healthy spice.

Speaker 2 Do you think people have turned it off by now? Yeah, I understand. I understand why.

Speaker 1 Can't fault them, really.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, Burt Kreischer.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, before I move on from Freddie, we have to give a shout out to Freddie's mom.

Speaker 1 Haley.

Speaker 2 Haley. But I like to refer to her as Freddy's mom.

Speaker 1 Like Dax's mom.

Speaker 2 I just think it's so cute.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Freddie's mom. That is a good moniker.

Speaker 2 Is so nice. And we chatted with her.

Speaker 1 She's the coolest. Well, this is part of it.

Speaker 2 It's like, obviously, Freddy is cool because the mom is so cool and the dad is so cool.

Speaker 1 He's legendary. Yeah.
So the dad makes me nervous

Speaker 1 and is so good looking.

Speaker 1 And all the students are great.

Speaker 2 And all the parents are gorgeous. And so obviously Freddie's gorgeous and cool.
Yep. And he wears an earring.
And he's got a lot of fun. And he's got siblings.

Speaker 1 And he's got the cutest little sister you've ever seen.

Speaker 2 He borrowed his sister's pearl earring today.

Speaker 1 To be faster. Listen,

Speaker 2 if I decide to have a kid with a donor. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How many am I going to have to look through? I mean, this is like really.

Speaker 1 Do you get to see photographs of them?

Speaker 2 I don't know about that. I think you can request.
I think some you can, some maybe you can't, depending on the bank.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, the press.

Speaker 1 Would you want Rob's sperm? He's very fertile.

Speaker 2 No, he has. Well, I mean, I would love to make a little mini.
That would be my dream, but I can't ask anyone I know. Okay.
I have to go to the bank.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Actually, that's not true. I could ask someone I know, but no one I like see a lot.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 Because wouldn't you feel, wouldn't both of you feel weird if both of if one of you either of you gave me your sperm and then we were all hanging out and my kid's there and it's your kid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it would I would have to be involved. Right.
Yeah, I couldn't just pretend like, oh, I donated.

Speaker 2 Exactly. And then that gets complicated for everyone.

Speaker 1 Yes. I guess not as you know, I offered a friend sperm years ago, over a decade ago.

Speaker 2 They turned it down.

Speaker 1 They said, I would love that. We're going to try one more round.
First, I asked Kristen,

Speaker 1 would you care if i and we didn't have kids yet so i this is i i was like naive to what i thought i thought i would just like yeah who cares i'll give them the sperm done with it they didn't thank god let's just say the parenting i totally disagreed with it would have it'd be crazy for me to be looking on the outside and not want to rescue yeah

Speaker 1 so a child yeah that's half me would be crazy i'm so grateful that didn't happen but like if i had if i had a kid that was half years and I was letting them go shopping every day, no, more like what if you had a kid and you were really crazy protective and he wasn't allowed to do anything and he'd never learned to ride a bike and he didn't like that.

Speaker 2 That's more likely for me.

Speaker 1 That would be hard for me to watch.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 1 Big time. That's because I would go, this is this kid's like a, he wants to be out there tackling according to you.

Speaker 1 Well, if he's half me, odds are.

Speaker 2 You definitely can't be giving anyone your situation. No, no.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is good. I didn't know.
But I only feel this way after having kids.

Speaker 2 Like, if I was seeing Lincoln around, it wouldn't feel the same, would be my guess.

Speaker 1 I don't know if, like, when I look at Lincoln, as you just said,

Speaker 1 she has my face at that age. And if I was around her,

Speaker 1 it would be hard.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I'm forgetting you're around her. Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It'd have to be a situation, to be honest, where it was like,

Speaker 1 if A, I have a vasectomy, so it's not even an option.

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 But if we had a friend who wanted that and needed that,

Speaker 1 and we decided yes, I would, I would be involved.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 2 that would, Kristen wouldn't want that.

Speaker 1 Well, Kristen wouldn't

Speaker 1 care, actually.

Speaker 1 Well, that's a lot on her.

Speaker 2 That would be a lot on her for you to then like kind of. take on this other kid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's very complicated. If I reverse it, let's say, so she needed to give an egg egg to somebody.
She gave an egg and then.

Speaker 2 And she demanded to be in their life.

Speaker 1 That's what's tricky because there's a mom involved already. In my scenario, there's no dad involved.
Oh, right.

Speaker 2 Well, no, let's say there's no mom involved. She gives it to.
Oh, to a guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, interesting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay. And then this guy, so Jess has a kid with

Speaker 2 Kristen's egg. Lucky him.

Speaker 2 That would be a cute kid.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. What would win? The tininess or the tallness?

Speaker 2 I think it'd be red hair and tiny.

Speaker 1 Oh, like Seth.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like Seth's kid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know how she would juggle it. I would expect her to want to be very involved in Jess's

Speaker 1 kids'

Speaker 1 life if it was her egg.

Speaker 2 I mean, the whole family would just have to get on board. You'd have to get on board.
It's like, this is basically our goddaughter.

Speaker 1 This is our goddaughter. This is our daughter.

Speaker 2 Well, no, because that's not. See, this is where things get.

Speaker 1 But what if Jess wanted the child to have Kristen as the mom?

Speaker 1 Okay, but you kind of grew up like separated and you understood, like, oh, yeah, my dad's gay, so he got a donor, but that's my mom, and I love her.

Speaker 2 Right. So that's one scenario.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then there's a more common scenario, which is that the

Speaker 2 dad or mom

Speaker 2 wants to raise their kid, like as they want to raise their kid and not then go to their donor and like co-parent.

Speaker 1 Unless it's their friend and they're already immersed in one another's child.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but maybe like, you know, you know how it is with all the parents and stuff. You don't want advice or co-parenting from some other parent, even if you really like them.

Speaker 2 Like we all, we have a pod full of parents. And I actually think this is a great thing about the pod.
I mean, of course people ask each other for advice and there's like conversations about parenting.

Speaker 2 But very little. But very little.
People are parenting differently across the board and that's great.

Speaker 1 And we're all everyone's accepting a close to non-judgmental as you can get about it. Exactly.

Speaker 2 So I don't think it would work if it was like, hey, Dax, just so you know, like, I think what you should be maybe doing with Lincoln is, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, it would just have to be with my time with the child.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's hard on the kids.

Speaker 1 No, right. We're not doing it.
I'm not doing it.

Speaker 1 I can't do it.

Speaker 2 And also, I'm not doing it. It's not just you.
This is an interesting question in general.

Speaker 1 I think so.

Speaker 1 I think it could be done, though. Like, let's just say, like, there is a version where Kristen's egg was given to Jess, and he has a little girl, and they,

Speaker 1 and she knows Kristen's their mom, and she has a mom, and she sees her mom a lot.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but maybe he's like, but then the baby might think, but that's, it's hard for a kid. Maybe.
Actually, I, yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think whatever you did is what's normal.

Speaker 2 I have no idea.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think whatever you're raised in is standard and you don't think too much of it.

Speaker 2 What people do

Speaker 2 in with the sperm, when they get to choose sperm, as opposed to choosing your partner,

Speaker 2 this is different, right? What you have the ability to do when you're choosing sperm is like, you're kind of creating what you think is like the perfect person.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Mixed with what you know you're you're giving.

Speaker 2 So it's like you know the good qualities you're giving and the bad ones. Yeah.
If you, if you're being honest with yourself, like I might be handing over these sets of things.

Speaker 2 So what I don't want to do.

Speaker 1 You know, me, I was like, if you want a deaf, dyslexic, alcoholic, look no further. This is me.
Yeah, these are the genetics.

Speaker 2 No, but I mean, like, I guess I'm sort of.

Speaker 1 Don't you think you do want to attempt to level out balance?

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to go get an addict egg. That's too much addict in memory.
Exactly. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Probably. I mean, also, of course, there are kids with two addict parents that are beautiful and wonderful and great.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 In some ways, you. Your mom is an addict.

Speaker 1 So she's a love addict.

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's what, like, there's.

Speaker 1 And I got both things. I got my dad.

Speaker 1 Grandma dad was a love addict. What am I talking about?

Speaker 2 Yeah, love addicts. You got it all.

Speaker 1 I got it all. You know,

Speaker 2 so, and you're great.

Speaker 1 I'm largely great.

Speaker 2 You're thriving.

Speaker 1 I'm largely great.

Speaker 2 We can at least agree that you're thriving and your life has worked out really nicely. So like, you know, you don't, and partners don't do this, I don't think.

Speaker 2 I mean, sometimes they think through like, oh, this is a good partnership because they're like bouncing me out. But I don't think that's what a lot of relationships

Speaker 1 are. I think you're not thinking of kids right now.
Exactly. Except I was.
At 32, I was very mission driven.

Speaker 2 I know, but most people aren't. They're attraction driven.

Speaker 1 And then they decide they want to have a kid. And then you start thinking, oh, boy, both of us don't clean the house.

Speaker 2 Exactly. So, anyway, it's just interesting.

Speaker 1 And yeah, Rob, would you give your sperm to anyone?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess so. In someone you know, or Monica, if someone needed it,

Speaker 2 that's nice of you. Yeah.
What about, do, but what if you saw them every day?

Speaker 1 I don't think it matters. I mean, like, my sister was a surrogate for a family and birthed two kids for them.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That feels a little bit. Well, it wasn't her egg, right? No, it wasn't her egg.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think a lot of, it's just your personality. I think a lot of people can say like, oh, that's great.
I'm just helping. Yes.
And that's great. And that's not my kid.
That's your kid.

Speaker 1 That was the donor we talked to on Armchair Anonymous who had like 100 kids. Yeah.
He was just like, yeah, if you want to meet, let's meet.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't feel any connection or guilt that I'm not raising anymore. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't think anyone should feel guilt.

Speaker 1 I would. I think the guilt would come if you saw that the kid wasn't being raised

Speaker 1 or was struggling. And then like helping would maybe come into question then.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 All right. This is Bert.
This is for Bert.

Speaker 1 Bert.

Speaker 2 Now, what animals are native to Germany? Because he's under the impression that they don't have any predators there.

Speaker 1 Any threats. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sleep outside in the woods naked. There's a chapter in Swarzenegger's book, Education of a Bodybuilder, where he and Franco were for a period in Germany weightlifting in the woods naked.

Speaker 1 And they would have a barbecue and they would drink wine. And he said, like, old-time gladiators.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just imagine walking through the woods and you see two bodybuilders squatting naked with raw meat everywhere. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Bottles of wine wow good for them yeah okay

Speaker 1 number 10 chamois that's like a goat okay that's also kind of the name of the chamois chamois

Speaker 1 the chamois chamois wow

Speaker 2 okay red fox i think red foxes are so cute i wouldn't be afraid to fight a red fox i don't think you would i think you should because i i kind of think i'm a red fox oh i'm not am i god well hold on.

Speaker 2 I'm not. As soon as I said it, I knew I wasn't.

Speaker 1 I do think fox is an appealing animal to identify with if you're a woman.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because that's a.

Speaker 1 They're clever.

Speaker 2 They're athletic. Well, people call, if you're high, you say you're a fox.

Speaker 1 Foxy. Foxy lady.
But I'm not.

Speaker 2 I'm just a chinchilla.

Speaker 1 Well, chinchillas are very cute. Have you ever held a chinchilla?

Speaker 2 They're like the armchair anonymous leg guy. They're like jam.

Speaker 1 Oh, geez. No.
Yeah, they don't have a rib cage, or You see?

Speaker 2 Eight, greater horseshoe bat.

Speaker 2 Seven bicolored shrew.

Speaker 2 At least I'm not a bike. Am I a bicolored shrew?

Speaker 1 There you are. No,

Speaker 1 no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 I kind of look like that. That looks like a little mouse.

Speaker 1 Shrews are clever, right? They're supposed to be real clever.

Speaker 2 European badger.

Speaker 1 Now, that's a tough customer. You don't want to tangle with a badger.

Speaker 2 Well, except that its diet is made up of root tubers, large insects, carrion, ill, cereals, and small mammals.

Speaker 1 It eats cereal? Yes.

Speaker 1 Eats Captain Crunch.

Speaker 1 You're a small mammal, I just will add. Okay.
So you should watch your. Because I must.
I'd way rather fight a red fox than a badger.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was probably right.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Wild boar. Scary.

Speaker 2 European wild cat. Now, these are interesting because they're big, but they look like regular domestic cats.
Yeah. And I find that creepy.
I don't like that. I know.

Speaker 1 If I see a domestic cat in the woods,

Speaker 1 I think a witch is nearby. Yes.

Speaker 2 Did a spell, made that cat

Speaker 1 is a witch and can

Speaker 1 transform.

Speaker 2 Harry Potter.

Speaker 2 Okay, European pine marten.

Speaker 2 What's that?

Speaker 2 That is a family of badger weasel. Oh, otter, and mink.

Speaker 2 Wooded areas. They're found in wooded areas.
Fast runners,

Speaker 2 both good on the ground and in trees. Fire salamander, very scary.

Speaker 2 Poison glands. Oh.
And alpine ibex.

Speaker 1 Ibex.

Speaker 2 All right, so there's nothing I'm too scared of here.

Speaker 1 He was right. I'll give him that.
He was right.

Speaker 2 Okay, do the dealers in Vegas get to keep their tips or does it go to the house? Nevada laws allow tips to be shared among employees as long as the employer doesn't keep any of them.

Speaker 2 This gives casinos and other employers in Nevada the authority to require employees to share tips with both tipped and non-tipped workers as long as none of the participants are considered the employer.

Speaker 1 This would be a bad arrangement for me. I would have a very hard time with this.

Speaker 1 If I saw someone with a shitty personality that was not kind to everyone, I'd be like, dude, you got to brighten it up so we can get, we're pulling our tips. I'm over here bringing in 300 bucks.

Speaker 1 Learn some jokes. Do your hair, brush your teeth.

Speaker 2 You know what? They should take Jess's class.

Speaker 1 They should. Because

Speaker 2 he's really changing the game over there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He really is.
People's tips are doubling.

Speaker 2 Yeah. He has all these restaurants.
It's called the restaurant launch. And he has all these restaurants that he

Speaker 2 helps. He comes in and teaches them how to up their game and how to really be a good server.

Speaker 1 That's awesome.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 2 10 highest-grossing comedy tours of 2024.

Speaker 1 Oh, here we go. We should get

Speaker 1 Mindy on the phone for this.

Speaker 2 Mindy Kaley?

Speaker 1 Because she loves counting people's money.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is her and I's kind of list.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she wants this listed on people's houses.

Speaker 1 Yeah, should we call her? No,

Speaker 2 she's busy.

Speaker 1 Let's call her. No.

Speaker 1 You're so scared. Yeah, I don't want to bother her.
Don't bother her. You bother a lot of people.

Speaker 2 What are we going to do? Tell her about everyone's money? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're so scared.

Speaker 1 You're so ballsy. This is like the situation with the watch.
I'll probably like, I'll regret this.

Speaker 2 Yes, and you're going to drag me into it.

Speaker 1 I'm so scared to answer. I've never called her.

Speaker 2 I'm playing it so cool with her, and here you are.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm burning. I'm lighting this fridge way on fire.

Speaker 2 She might be at her kids' rainbow run.

Speaker 1 She's call, has to be. Yeah, she's not going to answer.
All right.

Speaker 2 I feel really relieved. Okay, great.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to leave her a quick voice memo. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You're going to call back?

Speaker 1 No, I'm going to. Oh.
I'm going to leave a voice memo. Monica's so up in arms right now that I have the audacity to call you.

Speaker 2 Mindy, I'm so sorry. We know you're very busy.
I don't know why.

Speaker 1 It seems you're too busy to take a phone call. But we were about to read the list of the top 10

Speaker 1 comedy tours, the financials. And I said, I need my friend Mindy here so we can count everyone else's money.
Let's get her on the phone for this.

Speaker 2 We're happy you didn't answer.

Speaker 1 Monica's very relieved you didn't answer. She thinks this might be the end of our burgeoning friendship.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm sweating again. Yeah, that made you very nervous.

Speaker 2 God, you know, there's only a few people in this world who make me nervous.

Speaker 1 I know. She's one of them.

Speaker 2 Oh, you want to call Matt next? Yep.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Hey, man, you want to know how much money all these stand-up tours are making?

Speaker 1 Okay. Here we go.

Speaker 2 Joe Coy, number 10. We're going to go in 10 to one.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Joe Coy, he grows $26 million.

Speaker 2 He did 83 shows, 368,000 tickets sold.

Speaker 1 And he's been doing this for years.

Speaker 1 I wonder if he has a huge mansion somewhere.

Speaker 2 I'm sure. He should go on Cribs.

Speaker 1 Oh, they all should. They should.
Yeah. The whole season should be top.
Oh, they should. That's a good idea.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Number nine, Adam Sandler.
He grows $27 million,

Speaker 2 26 shows only.

Speaker 1 A million a show.

Speaker 2 261,000 tickets. Gosh, good for him.
Number eight, Jerry Seinfeld, another classic.

Speaker 1 Two guys who have so much money and they just can't help but make more.

Speaker 2 They can't. 27.8 million, 36 shows, 199,000 tickets.

Speaker 1 So Sandler's making more per show than Seinfeld. That's interesting.
Seinfeld must play smaller.

Speaker 2 I also think Adam Sandler is

Speaker 2 not as

Speaker 2 he's harder to get.

Speaker 2 Seinfeld does do comedy tours every now and then, but that's true. Adam Sandler, like, woof.

Speaker 2 Trevor Noah, number seven. 29 million.
29.7.

Speaker 1 30 million.

Speaker 2 94 shows, 392,000 tickets. Number six, here's our guy.
Here he is. Bert Kreischer.
No shirt.

Speaker 1 No shirt.

Speaker 2 29.7 million.

Speaker 1 Exact same as. Uh-huh.
I wonder why they put him above Trevor.

Speaker 2 Trevor Burrus, because 64 shows. Less shows.

Speaker 1 Oh, less shows. Yeah.
Pound for pound.

Speaker 2 388,000 tickets. Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 Number five, another friend of the pod, Sebastian Manascalco.

Speaker 2 Very enjoyable episode. Check it out in the archives.
Yes. $36.5 million for Sebastian.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 2 53 shows, 293,000 tickets.

Speaker 1 Oh, baby.

Speaker 2 Number four, Cat Williams.

Speaker 1 Now, this,

Speaker 1 just to let everyone know, I read this list

Speaker 1 like three weeks ago. Yeah.
I think after we had Bert on, I got real nosy. Because I asked him how much he's, is he making more on tour or from his podcast? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And when he said way more on tour, I thought, well, what is that number? Anyways, Cat Williams, I thought

Speaker 1 was

Speaker 1 we'd go on podcasts.

Speaker 1 He'd blast a bunch of people and be very viral. Although somehow you didn't see his last round of viral, he did one interview that he just lined up 20 people and just let him have it.

Speaker 1 I had no idea he was the king of stand-up.

Speaker 2 Number three. I mean, I'm sorry, number four, number four.
How much? 37.5 million.

Speaker 1 God, I want to see his house.

Speaker 2 60 shows, 399,000 tickets. Oof, tasty.
number three gabrielle iglesias sure 42.8 million

Speaker 2 wow 124 shows 603 000 tickets

Speaker 2 number two matt rife matt rife this is the cute comedian yeah he's younger um 57.5 million god what do you do in your 20s with 57 that's a lot i hope he has so many dumb lamborghinis and ferraris i hope he's giving to charity.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 256 shows. That's too many.
That's

Speaker 2 every day. 733,000 tickets.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 Number one, Nate Bergatzi.

Speaker 2 Nate. 82.2 million.

Speaker 1 82.2 million.

Speaker 1 You want him to hit 100 million so bad. He will.

Speaker 2 For no reason. 148 shows, 1,100,000 tickets.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
Wow, wow, wow. Pretty cool.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Are orcas acting up? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They're ramming boats and getting wily.
They're getting real wily.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 2 what's way more interesting is while I was editing this episode and we were at the orcas part, the orcas part was part of the SeaWorld portion of this episode, where he talks about finding someone's ring at SeaWorld.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes. And he wanted to

Speaker 2 find things. But then we were talking about SeaWorld and orcas.
And I'm in the middle of that part listening. And then email pops up.
It's a request. It's an ad request for SeaWorld.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 2 At the exact moment. And let's be clear.

Speaker 1 It's not an ad to come visit SeaWorld. It is a request for us to have them as a sponsor.
Correct.

Speaker 1 Which your computer couldn't have listened to that and figured that out. No.
Yeah, that's really wild.

Speaker 2 That was such a glitch.

Speaker 1 Lazy, lazy, lazy.

Speaker 2 Okay, now what is Kampari?

Speaker 2 Oh, I regret to inform you.

Speaker 2 I know, okay, you told me that Bert did have the bees' knees that night

Speaker 1 and loved it. I know.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I haven't done his yet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're not good at this pact.

Speaker 2 I feel bad.

Speaker 1 And then you were supposed to do it last week. I wasn't.
I didn't do it

Speaker 2 again. I know.

Speaker 1 Tonight's a drinking night, right?

Speaker 2 Friday. Yeah, I could probably get some down.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Why don't you try it?

Speaker 2 The problem is,

Speaker 2 but I'm going to be open because I want to do this for Bert. I just know I'm not going to like the Kampari Spritz.

Speaker 1 Well, not with that attitude.

Speaker 2 I just, I don't even like Apple Spritz, which everyone likes. And this is like a stronger, more bitter version of Apple.

Speaker 2 But you know what? I'm going to do it.

Speaker 1 You never drink Jack Daniels, huh? No. No.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I drink whiskey.

Speaker 1 Okay, just not Jack. Yeah.
What about a Jack Ginger for you?

Speaker 2 But I don't like Jack Daniels.

Speaker 1 Well, you might with ginger ale.

Speaker 2 Well, why do I have to? Why can't I go with something?

Speaker 1 Because it's the best drink. Okay.

Speaker 1 It's the one I've drank the most of.

Speaker 2 Oh, you do ginger ale.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Jack Ginger is ginger ale and Jack Daniel.

Speaker 2 What about ginger beer?

Speaker 1 It's not my favorite. Really? No.

Speaker 1 Hmm. Jack and Diet's the best taste but you don't even like diet coke so that's i don't want to start you there can i do like can i do like

Speaker 1 shave your sides and start drinking jack i mean i drink whiskey i drink old-fashions

Speaker 1 oh what's your brand knob hill or one of these no i like four roses i like blantons blantons yeah i don't know about blantons blantons is fancy

Speaker 2 a lot of them have all come out in the last 20 years since i quit four roses you probably would have liked it's it's really good and it's better.

Speaker 1 Bourbon? Jack Daniels.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I like Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're going classic.

Speaker 1 That's right. Yeah.
It's like Levi's jeans.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 That's what America was built. Woodford.

Speaker 2 Have you ever had Woodford? Woodford Reserve? Very good.

Speaker 1 These are triggering names for me a little bit.

Speaker 2 Because they sound elite.

Speaker 1 They're trying to be like oak barrel whiskey. Like,

Speaker 1 call it a man's name. Jim Beam.
Ew,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 1 Bill Rutherford. Mike Pence.
Oh, my.

Speaker 1 What if Mike Pence had a

Speaker 2 whiskey? Yeah, well.

Speaker 1 Actually, he should have a gin. No,

Speaker 2 absolutely not, because I like gin.

Speaker 1 But you're going to love Mike Pence's gym. Jim.

Speaker 2 All right. Okay, that's it.
Love you.

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Speaker 3 Hey there, Armchairies.

Speaker 1 Guess what?

Speaker 3 It's Mel Robbins. I'm popping in here taking out my own ad.
Holy cow, Dax, Monica, and I, I don't want this conversation to end, and I'm so glad you're here with us.

Speaker 3 And the other thing, I can't believe, Dax loves the Let Them Theory.

Speaker 2 He can't stop talking about it.

Speaker 3 I hope you're loving listening as much as I love having you here. And I also know, since you love listening to Armchair Expert, you know what you're going to love listening to?

Speaker 1 The Let Them Theory audiobook.

Speaker 3 And guess who reads it?

Speaker 1 Me.

Speaker 3 And even if you've read the book, guess what? The audiobook is different. I tell different stories.
I riff. I cry.
You're going to love it because it's going to feel like I'm right there next to you.

Speaker 3 We're in this together as we learn to stop controlling other people.

Speaker 3 So, thanks again for listening to this episode of Armchair Expert and check out the audiobook version of the Let Them Theory, read by yours truly.

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