Armchair Anonymous: Summer Camp

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dak Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman.
And today is summer camp stories. We have a summer theme going.
It's so fun. I love summer.
We got 4th of July theme. We got summer themes.
Sleepwalking, very summer. Very summery thing to do.
You're too hot. Your body tells you to get up and explore and get into business.
Oh, camp. Just the vibes and the lice.
Oh, wow. I'm really grateful I got to go to my one little eighth grade camp.
I think it was probably four days. Maybe it was three days.
But I do wish I had gone to like a two-week summer camp. Learned archery or something.
The bunks. Yeah.
Get in trouble. Trouble, trouble.
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Hello? I had a moe. But but one thing you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining.
Hello. What name do we want to go with? We're going to go with Erica.
Is it a nod to a friend? It's actually my middle name, so it still feels like me, but it's not. Really smart move.
Erica, where are you? I'm in British Columbia, Canada right now. About to embark on the most beautiful three months I imagine up there? Absolutely.
I'm not from here, so the mountains are still very exciting. Oh, that's fun.
Where are you from? I'm from Ontario. Would I presume correctly that this story about a summer camp happens in Ontario? It sure does.
Okay, Let us have it. I was about nine or 10 years old during this story, and I was very lucky to have a stay-at-home mom.
So summer camp wasn't necessary because she was home to do so many wonderful things with us, but she made me and my brother do two camps every year so we could be social and normal like every other child. They were usually like a church camp or a school camp, just something local in the community to get us out of the house.
And for like a week or two? Yeah, just like a Monday to Friday type of thing. So she decides that one of my family friends is doing a sports camp.
So it would be great for me to do the sports camp with her at a local school. I do not want to go.
The thought of being in a school during

summertime, no air conditioning, running around is like, oh, no, thank you. Would sports camp be

your first pick? No, I was the type of kid that would stay up too late reading and my mom would

have to come turn off the lights and say, oh, what a bad, bad. Yeah, you're a naughty person, Erica.
It was like pulling teeth the first day, dropping me off to get me to go. But I have a friend here.
My mom is like, okay, go have fun. It's going to be good.
I walk in day one. I instantly see a boy where I'm like, okay, yep, I have a crush on you.
This week is going to go great. Oh, wonderful.
So I go home and I say to my parents, I love camp. Can I go back next week? Please sign me up because 10 days of getting this guy to love me is much more doable.
Wow. So already at 10.
So I have a daughter that that would happen to, and then I have another that that wouldn't happen to. This was the start of my boy crazy.

Oh, okay, great.

And was everyone doing it?

It's kind of one of those things.

It's like everyone has a crush, so you got to have a crush.

Totally.

Especially because it was probably 70, 30 boys to girls at this camp.

So it was like, okay, there's a good pick of men here.

The odds were in your favor.

Yes. So I beg my parents, please sign me up for week two.
They're like, this is really odd. You did not want to go, but sure.
Why not? We'll take another week off of not having you here. So they signed me up.
I'm super excited. The rest of the week, it's basically like we're learning different sports.
So this is perfect. When you have a crush.
I have an opportunity to be picked on your team. I have an opportunity to ask questions, to show off, to like be the MVP and get you to love me back.
So at the end of the week, to reward us for being in the heat all week, our counselors let us have a water fight.

Sexy.

Classic water fight.

Water balloons, water guns, the hose with the sprayer on the end, like it's full on. So as a nine-year-old girl, I'm thinking the best way to show my crush that I like him is to absolutely demolish him.
Oh, sure. These are the dumb conclusions we make in our youth.
He'll like me more if I humiliate him. Exactly.
So I'm like, this is perfect. Can I ask Erica, how was the crush going up until this point? Was he responsive? Was there a connection? Yeah, like he picked me on his team a few times.
He passed the ball to me a few times. I was feeling like I had good odds here.
I'm thinking the water balloons are not enough to make my mark. I don't really have good aim.
The water gun, not going to get him wet enough. Everybody's fighting for the hose.
So I'm not feeling like that's my best option. So I'm looking around and I'm thinking maybe the bucket that's filled with water where all the water balloons are in would be a great idea.
Like he just won the NCAA title or something that he rated over the head. Boys seem to love that.
Yeah. So it's not like a little gardening bucket.
It's like one of those massive buckets that you have at school where the gym teacher puts all the balls in and pulls it out for recess type of thing. Not super athletic, not super strong.
So not really sure why I thought this was going to work out super well for me. I take out all the water balloons.
I like struggle to pick it up. I waddle on over to him to try and catch him by surprise.
And as I go to turn it and dump it on his head, drop it. It comes falling down on his face.
The rim of the bucket hits him right in the mouth. Instant two front teeth knocked out.
Oh no, you took out his front teeth? Yes. And we're nine.
These are adult teeth. These are not baby teeth.
Irreplaceable. Oh yeah.
Dentures. Oh no.
In fourth grade. Yeah.
My first thought is like, well, there goes my husband. I'm not coming back for week two.
There's blood everywhere. His teeth are missing.
The camp counselors are running over trying to like put pressure on his face. Like it was like, why'd you do that? Yeah.
He was so mad. You're so stupid.
Like yelling. I'm feeling like so embarrassed.
Let me crawl up and run away. His parents come to pick him up.
And obviously he's not coming back for week two of camp because he's going to have to go get new teeth. Since surgery.
Oh, fuck. Oh my God.
So I have to go to week two because my parents are like, you made this decision. We paid.
You're going to have to go. I go back on week two.
The camp counselors say this week at the end of the week, I'm sorry. There's going to be no water fight due to an incident that happened last week.
Everybody's looking at me like, gee, thanks a lot. You ruined this camp for us.
One of our campers got carried away. Instead, we're going to be having a puzzle party.
Like what a comparison. This is disgusting.
Opposite of sexy. This is grandparent-y.
So I'm responsible for the puzzle party. The week goes by.
It's whatever. The summer goes on.
I've probably found like a new love of my life at my next camp, probably church camp or something like that and forgotten about it. I get to the end of the summer and the same friend that came to the camp with me is having an end of summer barbecue.
She went to a different school than me, lived in a different neighborhood. So I didn't really know any other families that were going to be invited.
So me and my parents and my brother go and all the kids are kind of talking about summer. You know, what was the most exciting thing you did? They're all kind of comparing like, I went on this really cool trip.
I saw this cool animal at the zoo, really cool stuff. One little girl was so excited.
She thought she had topped everybody. She felt her story was the best.

So everybody's like huddled around to listen.

And she is super excited to share that she got to see the inside of an ambulance, the inside of a hospital, stitches, and fake teeth because her cousin had to get oral surgery

from getting his two front teeth knocked out. Oh, wow.
And you were just sitting there anonymously listening as if you knew nothing about it. And everybody's like, oh my gosh, that's so crazy.
And I'm sitting there like just white in the face. You're kind of like when an arsonist sticks around to watch the building burn with the crowd.
Sick. Yeah, it's twisted.
And did we ever find out anything as he got older? Did he weather the storm and prevail? To be honest, I wanted nothing to do with it because I think I would never forgive myself if I found out that he did not recover from it. Oh, he recovered.
He has two beautiful veneers. He's fine.
I really hope so. Well, Erica, thank you for that.
That's a real shameful event. I can only imagine dealing with that.
I hope I hope it's a cautionary tale. It's like, we can't let these crushes run away with us.
Crushes make people do crazy stuff for bad decisions. Yes.
And the funny part is, it's a tradition in firefighting. When you finish out your recruit class, you get dumped with water.
And later in life, I ended up dating a firefighter. he was finishing up his time at the fire hall.
And I got invited to come dump water on him to finish off his recruit class. And I politely said, I will film somebody else.
Please do the dump. You'll never trust yourself again.
You could even imagine Erica standing like with a very solvable fire and unwilling to wield a bucket of water. She has to overcome her deepest scar to save the small town.
We're always so grateful to have our neighbors to the north as arm cherries. We love it.
Well, it's lovely meeting you. Yeah.
Lovely meeting you guys too. Thank you so much.
Have a glorious summer up there thank you all right bye ariel or ariel nailed it on the first try which is uncommon well we happen to have an ariel in our life who's a good friend of ours and so i'm practiced it's the only way that people can get it because i will straight up answer the phone hi this is a is Arielle. Oh, hey, Ariel.
I'm like, guys, what? Yeah. People don't like change.
I'll be like, Sebastian kind of says it that way. And the little mermaid, I try and give all the help of it.
Well, it is a tricky one when you're looking at it phonetically. In my mind as a dyslexic, what I have to say to myself before I say Arielle's name out loud, I have to literally think R.
Forget that it even has an A. This name starts with an R.
R-E-L. You have so many tricks and tips.
I have to. I did have the nickname Rels growing up because I would have to say it's R-E-L.
And so that became Rels. Oh, that's so cute.
See, I stumbled upon a good technique. Okay, so Ariel, where are you that you have a big walk-in closet in a basement with a training facility? So I'm actually in Oak Park, Michigan.
Go Lions. Go Lions.
And this is a makeshift closet. I had the clothing racks and I encased myself in.
Oh, yeah, smart. And I put a blanket over top.
It is really working. The amount of time these poor arm cherries put into constructing their studio, it's really sweet.
It's really sweet. It's appreciated.
And you have to. And you do got to do it.
Or your story just might not be able to be aired. Thankfully, I already had it because they don't have closets in old houses.
And I have too many clothes to possibly go in one little tiny closet. So I already had the setup.
We just condensed it. Nice.
Sure. Okay.
Now tell me about summer camp because we didn't really do it where I grew up in Michigan other than the junior high trip. The summer camp that I went to, and there are a couple of different ones in Michigan.
The one I went to is Northern Michigan. I won't say exactly where, just to keep it.
Okay, legal. We'll talk about it later in the story.
I wouldn't give it like a one-to-one Wet Hot American summer comparison, but like dial down the horniness and irresponsibility five notches or so. You get kind of an idea.
You know, there was the lake, there was water skiing, canoeing, we had arts and crafts, there was dance and drama. Hookups? Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah. In the woods.
I hooked up on my trip to camp in eighth grade. Just so you didn't have camp.
I said other than the school camp. Oh, this is a school camp.
So I went to the school camp, yeah, and I had a nice hookup in the woods. It's so fun.
That plays into the story for sure. I went to this camp from the time I was like eight years old.
You're a camper until you're like 15. And so I was a little late bloomer in the romance department.
So I didn't have any fun hookup stories from when I was a camper. This story takes place in 2010.
So I was actually a nanny at the camp. So I was a camper there.
And then instead of being a counselor, I was a nanny for the director's kids because they were too young to be in camp. So it was a pretty cush job because you get all the fun of camp without any of the rules that the counselors have to abide by.
Yeah. What age were you nannying there? 2010, I was like 19 years old.
So a lot of the staff is returning campers, but we also have international staff. We got Aussies, we got Kiwis, we got Brits.
Nothing is hotter, right, than some guys with accents. So it's pretty exciting at the start of camp.
Some people have been there for pre-camp and there's already been hookups and things that have been established. Camp's like a dating show.
It's like one of these love islands. And you also think everyone's hotter than they are in real life because we call it camp goggles because that's your only option.
We adjust quickly as humans. It's kind of shocking.
Oh yeah, but no camp goggles were needed for me this summer because this guy, we're going to call him Liam. I mean, he was just exactly what you would want for a summer fling.
He's tall, handsome, ripped, plays guitar, and British. Okay, like a British can.
Truly, you know, as you were saying, hookups in the woods. You don't really want that because there's mosquitoes.
But we got to get creative when we're trying to figure out where we're going to be hooking up. So people have their could be upper parking lot in the car but it's a little cramped in there but you can make it work you have days off so that's always nice you can go stay in a hotel in the local city we had some in a canoe in the arts and crafts room oh yes romantic that's almost like the t-rex mouth similar size obviously no banging in

the bunks that's where you're gonna get busted right correct because there's campers in there

and that would be wildly inappropriate yes but that didn't exactly stop us from doing something

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When I look back on this, I'm 90, I'm horny. It is what it is.
After the campers go to sleep, there's counselors that have to be on night watch, but then everyone else can go off. There's a local bar that you can go up to, but you have to be back in time for the curfew, which was like midnight.
Everyone has to be in their cabins. So we figured this might be a safe option.
Everyone's already in their cabins. It's like 1 a.m.
We decide to meet in the boys' base, which I'm sure you're not familiar with this term. I'm not sure if it was our camp thing or all the camps have it, but it's basically a large building that half of it is toilets and the other half is stalls of showers that's located in back boys.
So that's where all the older boy cabins, they didn't have toilets and stuff in their cabins. They had the Baysock that they all had to go to it's 1 a.m.
I mean, everyone should be sleeping. Why not take a shower together? So romantic.
It sounds so fun. We're in the shower.
We're trying to manage the intricacies of shower sex. There's a couple of things we all think are going to be great, and they're terrible.
Fucking in a shower is terrible. Fucking in a hot tub is terrible.
And fucking on an airplane is terrible. Did you wear flip flops? So I would love to tell you yes.
I'm glad you're being honest. We were just really excited.
The mildewy disgusting floor. We're not worried about it at this time.
What we should have been worried about is what happened next because we're showering and we hear the door open. We freeze.
It's fine. They're just going to go to the bathroom and then we're going to be quiet and then they'll leave and then we can resume.
It'll not be a problem. If you're in there by yourself taking a shower, you're not thinking, well, they're going to come into my shower.
Never. What we didn't factor in was that one of the other counselors knew what we were doing and he may have played a role in what happened next.
So we hear footsteps. The toilets are in a different area.
There should be nobody coming over here. And they're getting closer and closer.
And the curtain whips open. I scream.
I jump behind Liam. Like, I can't even give you enough details of what happened at this time because it was a 12-year-old camper.
I knew who this camper was. He is the biggest shit-talking little camper.
The last person. Not that I would have wanted any of the male campers to see what was happening in the shower.
Sure, sure. But Liam shoves him out of the shower.
I couldn't tell you how I got back to my cabin that night. It was a blur, but all I knew was this isn't going to be the end of it.
The humiliation will not be stopping at getting caught having sex in the shower by this 12 year old. I was not proven wrong because that morning you go to the mess hall, which is where you have meals and everything.
And it's very common for different cabins to do little cheers there's ones that all the camp knows about or you can do more specific ones and of course without fail breakfast we didn't even make it to lunch i hear quiet please from this cabin where there's a clock you'll find an hour hey ariel meet you in the in the shower. Oh, my.
They already crafted a rhyme. Wow, and it's only okay.
Our shower, that's pretty good. Everyone is in here.
The directors, the camp owners, who I've known since I'm eight years old, because I've gone to this camp, they know my parents. You're also taking care of children.
There's an added, like, like i'm not being responsible you must be thinking i'm getting fired today i was horrified and of course the cheer was about me it was not about the man of course why would he be involved in there catch any flack from that no he's a hero of course needless to say i did not hear the end of it i did not get fired because again this is tame i mean there was kids who got kicked out for smoking weed there was plenty of things happening i think if i was a counselor i may have gotten fired but since i was the nanny yeah yeah did they talk to you though like look here's the thing we love the spirit we all know camp's fun but you can't risky you gotta stick to the cars in the upper parking lot out in the woods's the thing. We love the spirit.
We all know camp's fun. Yeah, camp is frisky.

You got to stick to the cars in the upper parking lot, out in the woods with the mosquitoes. Do it right.
Yeah, I did not get away without a little bit of a lecture because it was somebody who was kind of like my camp mom. Ooh.
Yeah. You know what wants to hear that from your mom? It went on for the rest of the summer.
And at the end of the summer, there's like a campfire where kind of skits are done. And the owners and directors did a skit where they included a chant about this occasion as well.
Oh my God, you were the head of the camp. I didn't go back the next summer, but I did return for one more summer.
And of course, those campers were 15 years old at that time. They were the oldest campers in camp and day one cheer right back.
They did not forget. They're so excited you're back.
I have gone down in camp Laura as the girl who got caught having sex in the shower. That's pretty cool.
Did you stay in touch with the cute Brit? Did he move home and then you wrote letters and then it piddled out at some point? We did stay in touch and it kind of piddled. And then we would say happy birthday.
And I actually, eight years later, went to London for my first and only solo trip. And I told him I was coming.
And we were able to use a bed this time. Oh, nice.
I love this. And was he still hot? Hot, rode a motorcycle.
He took me to see a play. What? Wow.
This is the dream. Yeah, you're living a good life.
We did it. We were horrified.
I could not find it funny at the time for the shower. Are you going up north this summer? I don't have any plans to because I'm actually getting married in September.
So all of our money and energy is going into the wedding and the honeymoon that makes sense does your betrothed know about liam he is a sweet and a real trooper because i practice telling the story that's a good husband he's a good boy well it's lovely to talk to you i love our michigander cher. And if it's okay, my sister.
Yes. Get her in here.
This is Sam. Hi, Sam.
We have one more, but she is hardworking right now. Shout out, Ryan.
We love you. One of you has got to work hard.
That's right. Okay.
I am a pediatric nurse, okay? Do you have any stories about up your butt? So I do not have any foreign object in the rectum michigan i do have stories i could write in about but the peds part of it makes it a little dicey of if i should share that on the pod so glad i ended up here for this one you made the right ethical decision but i would want to hear at a dinner party for sure one that you would really... I got a hunch that there's some Lincoln logs in butts.
Oh, let me just say the term diaper snacks. Oh! Oh! Well, it's great meeting you, Michiganders.
We love you. Have a great summer.
Thanks for listening. Bye.
Diaper snacks. Yummy.
That sounds horrible. I'm a little consumed with my scab.
Yeah. I've noticed.
I think I might need to get a band-aid and cover it up. Is it worse to see a scab or a band-aid? A band-aid.
It's worse? Scabs are cool. Scabs and scars.
Hi. Hi.
Can you guys hear me okay? Oh, beautifully. First, I want to applaud your parents for spelling Sarah.
S-A-R-A. I was born in Japan and my mom was worried that if she put an H on the end of my name, the Japanese would pronounce the H at the end.
Yeah, that makes sense. So they just simplified it.
All right, where are you, Sarah? I actually am in Berlin, Germany. Oh my God, you are a traveler.
What's happening in Berlin, Germany? My husband and I moved here with our kids about two and a half years ago. We work for a local German church here.
We're originally from Seattle, but we're just on an adventure over here and it's been awesome. I thought Germans were largely atheists.
They are. So we actually have a lot of interesting conversations, but we've found Germans are really interested in having very open conversations.
So even if they don't agree or we have different perspectives, it's a really cool place to just explore worldviews with people. Yeah.
They're interested instead of threatened, right? Yeah, and they're really comfortable with disagreeing, which we love. And also one of the reasons I love your podcast is you guys really create space for conversations like that.
Oh, thank you. Okay, so you're really a world traveler born in Japan now in Berlin.
I wonder where this camp is. Yeah, where the fuck is this camp? Moscow? The camp is outside of Philadelphia in a small town called Schwanksville, Pennsylvania.
That's horny. Schwanksville? It sounds a little bit like schwank or something.
Know your audience. Know my audience.
I think I do. I think they know I'm a pervert.
Know your host? I know who I'm talking to. Don't care.
I worked at this camp every summer that I was in college. They do a lot of really incredible programs with different organizations in Philadelphia, serving inner city youth, getting them out of the city for the summer.
It's so much fun. But this story takes place during a training week.
So we didn't have any campers on the site, which is important because that means that we didn't have any medical staff. Oh, okay.
When we were running programs, we always had a fully trained nursing staff, but during training weeks, just the full-time staff was there, which consisted mostly of 18 to 22 year olds. This was back in 2012.
I was 20 years old. This summer I was the head lifeguard.
So I was helping to train another team of lifeguards during this training week, which also meant that I and one other girl were the only first aid certified people. People are all over the property training in different activities.
And we're doing a classroom training session for some new lifeguards.

And a girl runs into the lodge that we're in and says, help, help.

He fell from a tree.

We'll call him Tony.

She says, Tony fell from the high zipline platform.

Oh my God.

Which is at least 30 feet in the air.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, gee, this could be career ending.

My stomach just drops.

Me and the other first aid girl grab our kit

and we're running.

We have to get in a golf cart

because this platform is on the other side of the property.

And we're asking this messenger questions.

You know, is he conscious?

What's going on?

And she's like, I don't know.

And Tony is another counselor. Yes.
He was there also as a volunteer and he was training to run the zip line for campers. You know, I'm like, is Tony dead? Is his skull cracked open? Has he broken his back? And I've only been a lifeguard for like four weeks at this point.
This is crazy. Oh my God.
And I presume 911 has been called, but you guys are kind of far away from help. There was a urgent care down the road, but we're in the middle of the wilderness.
So I honestly actually don't even remember if 911 one was called, I think we were all just kind of panicking. So we have to kind of walk down into this path to get to where Tony is.
And as we're approaching, I hear laughter and I'm like, okay, that's probably a good sign. And Tony's laying on the ground, but he has his head propped up and he's talking with the people around him.
So right away, I'm like, okay, he's not dead. He's conscious.
And clearly he has his wits about him. And he looks over at us kind of sheepishly.
He's like, hey guys. And we're like, what happened? Miraculously, when Tony fell, he wasn't clipped in properly, which is why he fell in the first place off of this platform.
But he was agile and athletic enough that he grabbed onto the tree next to the one that he was in and essentially slid down it. Oh, I'm worried about his hands.
Like a fireman's pole. My stomach just turned.
I'd rather fall and hit my head open than drag my hands down a pine tree. That's not good advice.
From 30 feet. Whoa.
He has no skin. He probably has no skin.
You want to talk about splinters? His fingertips are gone. They're gone.
And he has the most unique wounds I think I've ever seen on his forearms and his legs. And he's also pretty sure he's broken his ankle because, again, he landed on his feet, but very hard.
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We ended up just putting him in someone's car to take him to the urgent care. So I guess 911 wasn't called.
I guess not. That was a mistake.
Sorry, Monica. Yeah, I love a 911 call.
I know. He ended up coming back to the property that night on crutches and bandaged up.
He'd broken his ankle, but he came back with aftercare instructions for these wounds. He needed these wounds cleaned, disinfected, and re-bandaged four times a day, which sucks mostly for him, right? He's trying to be a good guy, serve at camp he's on crutches now is he hot we were very

like platonic good friends this is now monica's i was in trouble for being a perv earlier and now the real perv is enters the chat well i don't know it's very intimate you had to dress his wounds Even if there was going to be something romantic, the amount of pus that I had to deal with in these wounds. I don't know.
We were both shocked the first time I had to clean these. I don't know if it was just because he had so much stuff from the tree, if his body was just getting rid of it.
Of course, so much foreign material. I just wish he went home and his mom could take care of him.
And you're his mom. Why did you have to do it? Yeah, and I was his mom.
Mommy Monica. He was so laid back, but also so apologetic about this.
He was like, I should just be doing this myself. I'm so sorry.
And I'm like, you don't have fingertips. Like you can't.
So I just pretended to be a nurse for a week before we got actual nursing staff and took care of these very pus filled wounds all over Tony. Oh my God, you're a hero.
Made a full recovery. We both went back to the camp the next summer.
No one fell out of a tree. The next summer I did fall in love with a boy and he's now my husband of 10 years and father of our three children.
So it was almost a meet you. Yeah, next year.
But yeah, that's the story of me pretending to be a medical professional. Good for you.
I guess my big question is, why aren't we sending Tony home? What the fuck is he going to do other than be a drain on everyone? He has no business at this camp anymore. He was there for the vibes.
And there are good vibes. This is a really fun place.
And he is a tough guy. He was like, no, I can stick it out.
I can be here. And then he just hobbled around on his crutches, but he had a great attitude.
Good for Tony. And good for you.
You have a great attitude as well. Good for you and Tony.
I also have a little bit of a hero complex. Dax can relate to that.
So it was fun for me to get to pretend that I knew how to take care of someone. Yes.
And everyone knew there that you were doing the taking care of. That's lovely.
Right. And they were like, wow, come on, Sarah.
Yeah. You don't need an H on your name.
They probably said that too. They were definitely thinking that.
Well, I'm very excited for you that you met that boy and you're married and you have three kids and you're in Berlin, Germany. What an adventure.
Thank you. Yeah, it's been awesome.
We love it here. Oh, well, Sarah, this was a delight.
Thank you guys so much. I'm so grateful.
I have to shout out my younger brother. He is the one that turned me on to this podcast in your first year.
And Dax, I'm just always so moved by what an incredible dad you are and how much you delight in your daughters. I have such a great relationship with my dad, and he's battling stage four cancer right now.
I'm so sorry. He's the epitome of what a father should be.
When I hear you talk about your girls and that relationship that you have with them, it's one of my favorite things about this whole thing that you guys do oh well thank you guys are awesome give our love to your family i will okay thank you guys so much all right take care that one got me worse than anything we've heard on here no i could feel it not worse than last time when worse than the skin yeah worse worse than the pus on the leg fuck yeah i got a visceral we just talked to someone who slid down a very tall tree and i could feel all the slivers in my hands as she was describing that this was bad but not as bad as eating skin off a corpse i'm gonna start right away with does anyone ever tell you that you look like j Jason Lee? I have not heard that. A long time ago, I got Luke Wilson.

I can also kind of see that.

That's a wonderful thing to be told. He's so cute and charming.

Where'd you grow up?

I grew up in middle of Kansas. We live in Oklahoma now.

Okay, wonderful. And was camp something everyone did there?

All my friends, we went to the same church camp from the surrounding areas. And it was just a big one week where you saw everyone did everything.
Did you have like friends there that weren't in your school or was it generally also just kids from your school? There wasn't that many kids from my school. It was mostly my church and surrounding churches.
And how do you think church camps differ from your regular secular camp? Our church camp was a time for

kids to kind of be wild sometimes. So I don't think there's much of a difference.

Okay. So hit us with your camp story.
This happens last year at the same church camp

that I grew up going to. I go now as a counselor.
My kid goes there. I'm also the kind of the

co-director of this camp. Oh, amazing.

Position of power.

Yes. It's in the middle of nowhere, Kansas.
You have to take like a lone dirt road to get to it even. About 120 campers, 8 to 13-year-olds.
And usually it's a pretty easy week. This week, we had a lot of things go wrong.
We had a few counselors cancel on us last minute. We're already short-staffed.
We had one counselor get shot in the face with a firework the day before. Okay.
So camp starts on July 5th. Yeah.
He's covered in second degree burns all over his face. So he's not there.
Okay. Good.
I mean, I have to say. A little intense for the campers.
That's a lot. We also had to send a couple counselors home because of code of conduct issues.

Oh.

Drugs or sex?

Suspicion of drugs.

Okay. Strong smell wafting out of certain areas.
Right. There were a lot of days, mornings, and nights.
We're already short-staffed. This is towards the end of the week.
And then we find out that a couple kids have lice. Oh Oh, God.
I have an outsized fear of lice. I really find it.
Like my fear of sliding down a tree. I guess.
Yeah. It was pretty bad.
So it's a boy and a girl. We went to all the neighboring CVS's Walmart's and we bought all the lice shampoo we could find in the area.
Cleaned out the whole central Kansas and washed all the kids' hair. We sent those kids home because it was too much.
So understaffed, we just did the lice. And then one of my counselors comes up to me and says, hey, I just saw a high-speed chase go down our dirt road with about 20 state troopers following a car.
Oh my God. Oh, wow.
And then we get a call basically saying, here's the deal. A guy in New Mexico, aggravated assault, stole a car,

armed and dangerous, fled cops in New Mexico. They've tracked him to your county in Kansas in the middle of nowhere.
Oh my God. High speed chase happens.
He turns down our one dirt road, crashes

gets out of the car

and

crashes

crashes

crashes

crashes

crashes

crashes

crashes

crashes

crashes

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crashes

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crashes

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crashes

crashes

crashes

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crashes

crashes

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crashes nowhere oh my god high speed chase happens he turns down our one dirt road crashes gets out of the car police don't know where he's at he's on foot somewhere in the woods he is on foot now it's friday the 13th yes we've got a murderer in the way because it gets escalated to a murderer immediately we're freaking out luckily all the kids it was like dinner time or worship in the evening. So they were all in one spot.
So we're trying to develop murderer immediately. We're freaking out.
Luckily, all the kids, it was like dinnertime or worship in the evening.

So they were all in one spot.

So we're trying to develop a plan.

We can keep them safe,

watch the exits.

We get a call saying,

hey, they caught him.

And so we go back to normal

at the fire,

sing songs,

trying to get to bed.

We get another call.

Turns out,

no, they did not catch him.

He is still on the loose.

A couple hours later, the sun is going down.

Oh, no.

It turns out a farmer was calling everyone and being like, they caught him.

These farmers are reckless.

Rural game of telephone.

What would you have done?

Went out to try to find him.

And leave all the kids by themselves.

Oh, if I were Brody. Yeah.
I would get them in one spot minimal exits and entrances try to find out what building is the least permeable yeah and then i would stand guard i am gonna make a lot of signs that say we have lice and like put them all over and then to deter get a megaphone and just be screaming we have lice so he knows not to to come. We have biological agents.
I wish we thought of that. The lies angle.
That would have been good. We decide to go on lockdown because we can lock all the kids in the cabin.
So no one can get in, but they can get out. We post a couple of counselors here and there.
And we form what I can call, you know, like a camp a camp militia basically yeah really quick none of the cops go hey we'll come to you i mean this seems crazy they haven't peeled off a couple officers to stand for a kid's camp one cop did come and i'm thinking to myself he's gonna kind of ease the situation they know where he's at but this cop came in hot and he was like i mean who knows you know who don't really know where he's at oh geez okay he was scared too he could be anywhere all the dads of this camp form a perimeter around the camp to just i guess watch out for this Sure. Because no one has any firearms at the camp or anything.

Or do we?

Well.

Okay, church camp.

Let's go church camp.

Because someone's got one in their pickup truck.

Yeah.

I mean, central Kansas.

I personally don't have a weapon.

But there are a couple of guys that I hoped but didn't want to know.

Because at one end, it's like, oh, I hope you didn't come to church camp with a gun in your car.

Yeah.

But now I'm glad that you did if you did.

Exactly.

Might come in hand.

Yeah, yeah.

I just went around the ATV with a flashlight shining it in bushes.

Kind of thinking he's an animal and like noise would scare him away.

Right, right.

But the one guy that probably was armed, he was a veteran and he was sitting on top of his truck on a lawn chair, looking out over this field. And I don't know what was in his lap.
He's so excited right now. Yeah, it's his time to shine.
He didn't have a shirt on. He had a bandana on.
Oh my, okay. And this is the same guy that got shot in the face with the firework.
No, he's back. He came to camp just on ibuprofen.
Oh, my. Okay.
And this is the same guy that got shot in the face with the firework. No! He's back? He came to camp just on ibuprofen.
He didn't want to take the heavy stuff. And he's like in this crow's nest, second-degree burns, watching over this field for us.
Oh, my. He's the man for the job.
He is scarier to me than the... Oh, no.
He's the man for the job. Just all those burns.

That's enough to scare someone away, maybe.

Yeah, he looks like Freddy at that point.

He did get a lot of Freddy comparisons.

Yeah, yeah.

Whenever he showed up halfway through the week.

Glad he did.

He's watched now.

We're making noise.

We stay up all night.

No update from the police.

Oh, my God.

So, it's the last night at camp.

We did all the lice. We're up all night.
Whoa from the police oh my god so it's the last night at camp we did all the lice we're up all night and um yeah yeah sun comes up and we just pack and go home like it was nothing they didn't catch him until the next day they did catch him though because it doesn't sound like the most competent police department i think they've sent you the dumbest one they're like all right we need the smart people looking for him. Send Mike over to the camp and he riles everyone up.
He doesn't help at all. They put out a press release saying we didn't want the public to know where he was at because we didn't want people showing up looking for him.
Right. The Dax Shepard types.
That was maybe smart. They weren't telling us where he was.
So we just assumed he could be anywhere. I think he's still in jail in that local county.
And you're going back this year? Going back this year in a few weeks. There's no way that lice treatment worked.
If you guys had hung out for another few days, I think everyone would have had it, right? There was another camp afterwards. So hopefully they didn't pass on to those kids.
Yeah, let's fingers crossed. Oh, God.
Well, what an eventful. That's not what you're expecting when you sign up for church camp it's not a manhunt oh brody a delight to meet you i think those people are lucky to have you as a co-director of that place i appreciate it thank you guys so much for letting me tell my story do you mind if my wife says hi we'd love to meet her yeah okay her name is katie hi guys hi katie i like all your shoes you got great shoes yeah monaco appreciate this i do crisis pr for a living oh wow public relations agency and so he calls me and he's like okay i need you to set your parent hat aside like our son park park's fine but i need you to help me craft a message to these parents like what do i tell the parents the parents? Yeah, right.
We got an active manhunt happening. Yeah.
They're going to see this on Facebook from the Kingman County Sheriff's Office Facebook page. Like, we got to tell these parents something.
So I helped them write a message, send it to the parents. Well, by the way, there's nothing that could be said where you go like, don't worry, there is a manhunt happening.
You cloak it in the lice story. So it's mainly about lice.
And then there's just one line about right. Like terrible news to share.
There has been a lice outbreak. We've sent the campers home right about six paragraphs on that.
I hope they get bored. And at the end, don't worry, we solved it.
We shampooed. There is a killer on the loose.
Now, when you get home, do another wash of hair. Yes, go back to it.
Hot water, put it in a plastic bag. Oh, by the way.
I think our main conundrum was, do we tell them we're on lockdown and don't come? That's when I put my parent hat back on and I was like, you can't tell me not to come get my kid. So I said, Brody, assure them they're safe.
Tell them all the precautions you're taking. But also, if they want to come in the middle of the night and get their kid they have to present an id we will escort the kid out with all their stuff and like do a safe handoff and they'll never be allowed in camp again a little light threat yeah i'll be interested to know how many kids come back this year soon to find out well you guys are just a delight i agree it's so nice to meet both of you you too bye-bye oh cute i want to go to camp i guess i should have known that camps are largely church camps no i didn't put that together there's so many kinds i know a lot of people who went to like gymnastics camp like it's's all niche.
I went to cheerleading camp obviously. Oh and what was that like? You just have to cheer the whole time? Well it was camp but really it was like training.
That's my fear. So did you do any canoeing or marshmallows? We did marshmallows.
We weren't allowed to eat them. Just kidding.
We had to stay tiny. Cheerleading joke.
That was a really funny cheerleading joke. No boys.
Well, we have boys on our squad. Oh.
People hooked up. They did? Yeah, people hooked up.
At cheer camp? Yep. Anyone in the showers? Probably.
Fun times. Oh, I want to go to camp.
Well, have a good summer, guys. Yeah, enjoy your summer.
Pretend you're at camp. I'm hosting camp this year is what I'll say.
Are gonna have popsicles at your camp because i like that yeah whatever you want sky is the limit great all right love you love you do you want to sing a tune or something we don't have a theme song for this new show so here i go go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of Armchairies, we'll get some suggestions.
On the flyer, I'm Dish. On the flyer, I'm Dish.
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