Armchair Anonymous: Cops

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

I'm Dak Shepard, and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

And today we're going to hear crazy cop stories.

Ah, yes, yes.

But should we just go ahead and tell people?

No cops called in.

Except one is about a cop.

Family member.

Family member.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, we didn't know what to take away from that.

Do we not have enough police officer listeners?

We probably don't.

We probably don't.

Or they're really secretive about their stuff.

Or they're busy.

Or they're busy.

But these folks were not busy, and we got to talk to them.

And we now have some delicious, crazy cop stories.

Please enjoy.

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Hard times, come and go.

Good times, take them slow.

My life,

I had them both.

We wear short shorts.

Hi.

Nick, can you hear us?

I can hear you.

Did you grow up in an area where that song was popular in commercials?

If you dare wear short shorts, Nair wears short shorts.

I don't remember that one.

It was for a hair removal product called Nair.

Do you remember that money?

Yeah, we used Nair.

Tried it on all kinds of places.

Oh, wow.

But I don't remember that jingle.

Where did you grow up, Nick?

I grew up in Keller, Texas, just north of Fort Worth.

I bet there was Nair in Texas.

Oh, sure.

Those women know know how to take care of themselves.

Yeah.

We had a couple of jingles that were stuck in my head.

It's like call 267-8433 because the next excellent to do is Dow Worth Clean.

That ran 20 years ago.

Still stuck in my head.

That's a good jingle.

That's a keeper.

Are you still in Texas?

Yes.

I live in Plano, which is just east of that.

So like just north of Dallas.

I've driven through Plano a few times.

And are you in law enforcement?

No, I'm not in law enforcement.

You're not in law enforcement.

Okay, okay.

You never know.

These could go either way.

All right, so tell us your story.

Okay, so it's a stormy, dreary day in late May, Keller, Texas, 2006, and it's the last day of my senior year of high school.

The last day was a short day.

We had taken a couple of finals, and it had been storming a lot, especially all that morning.

And so me and my two best friends decide we're going to head back to my buddy Steve's house to figure out what we're going to do with the rest of the day.

So we get to his place and sit down on the couch.

And I don't know if it's the weather or the collective unclenching being done with high school, but we all pass out within minutes.

We're all asleep, just on the ground.

Wow.

A group now.

An hour or so later, my buddy Steve wakes up and begins berating us for being super lame.

You know, like it's the last day of school.

We're sleeping on the ground.

And so he's like, we got to get up.

We got to go do something.

We're getting ourselves amped up.

There's nothing better than directionless energy for 18-year-olds.

Nothing dangerous about that.

Right, exactly.

So to kind of set the players for this story.

And so it's me and my two best friends at the time.

One's name is Alan.

He's like 6'7 ⁇ , 275, shoulder-length red hair, looks like a Viking.

Wow.

Yeah.

So my buddy Steve, he hadn't quite grown into his adult male form.

He was all gangly.

He was long limbs, long fingers, right?

Just an awkward looking dude.

And so we all pile into my car.

And the car here is important because it's where most of the story takes place.

To surprise me for just after my 16th birthday, my father brought home a manual cherry red Saturn station wagon.

Yeah, I know that vehicle.

Ugly car.

I hated it.

I don't know if my dad was going for a form of birth control.

It was the worst.

And so we all pile into my car.

Alan takes the front passenger seat.

Steve takes the back seat.

Alan has a hard time fitting into most cars because of his size, but that little station wagon, he really struggled with.

So the road from Steve's house back to town is like an old country road.

And so we get a little ways down this road.

And then Alan decides, he's like, hey, I got to go to the bathroom.

I think we're going to Waterburger or my place.

I was like, well, when we get there, you can go there.

He's like, no, I got to go right now.

I was like, well, what do you want me to do?

And he's like, I'm just going to pee out the door.

And so he unbuckles, opens the passenger side door, lodges himself in the frame, and then does his business.

So Steve slides over behind my side because he doesn't want to be on that side of the car at the moment.

And he's kind of amping himself up and he's like, I got to moon somebody.

I want to moon the next car.

Things are really escalating.

Yeah, they're unraveling.

One guy's dick's out the door and another guy's ass is about to be out the other side.

Normal 18-year-old activity.

So his head hits the back seat, his ass hits the back window.

As we're going down the road, up ahead, at the crest of kind of the largest hill, I can see a large tree branch that has kind of fallen in the road.

I can see the front of a car, and I could just kind of see somebody's walking towards this branch.

Somebody's going to clear it.

And so I saw Steve.

I was like, hey, there's somebody out here clearing this branch in the middle of the road.

This is perfect.

Let's just moon that guy.

Oh, the good Samaritan.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the reward.

So, as we kind of hit the bottom of this hill and we start coming up, I realize now that this is a cop car that's at the top of this hill, and it's an officer that's walking to clear this branch.

Oh, boy.

And also, as we're kind of going towards it, I realize I'm the only one who can see this.

Alan's preoccupied looking out the right side door.

Steve's ass is against the window with his face in the seat.

I kind of come to the split-second decision that I'm just going to let this ride.

I'm not going to say anything.

Oh, wow.

I'm just going to let this happen.

Strange decision.

Yeah, because you could be in trouble.

See, that hadn't quite factored in.

In my mind, I was like, this is going to be hilarious.

So we end up getting closer.

And obviously, because he's in the road, I slow down.

So we get down to 10, 15 miles an hour.

This part, as I remember, it is always in slow motion because he's walking up to this tree branch, doing his normal thing.

He looks at me, he lifts his hand in greeting, and all those micro-emotions play across his face.

He goes from amused and kind of just happy to angry and confused and bewildered as he notices the sweat pressed against the back passenger window.

It's at this point that Alan finishes, right?

So he rolls back into the car and closes the door, looks over, and just nonchalantly goes, Oh, that's a cop.

And Steve jumps up in the back of the seat.

He's like, I just moved a cop.

He's like, We got to run.

We can't do this.

We got to get out of here.

At this point, I'm realizing, oh, this might be something you get arrested for.

So I slam on the accelerator and take off.

Oh my God, he started chase.

These are like the series of decisions that are being made.

So I pull out a firearm and just start shooting.

Steve and Alan at the same time are like, we got to get off the road.

Take a left right here.

So I hit the brakes and take a hard left.

Quiz for you, Dax.

If you suddenly accelerate and then take a hard left and hit the brakes on a wet road, what happens?

We're going to do a little spinning.

Right.

So we slide, but I managed to make the entrance to this neighborhood, but then I hit the ditch right afterwards and take out a speed limit sign.

Oh, I see.

You locked the front end and you couldn't steer any longer.

Basically, right.

My back end is kind of back and looking towards the road.

We kind of pause for a second and then I try to get my bearings, try to like, is the car okay?

What's the cop doing?

And so then I hit the accelerator and our wheels just spin and I just start kicking mud out of the back of my car.

And at this same time, a minivan comes up the road, kind of blocks the entrance to this neighborhood.

The cop is just a little bit of ways up.

His lights are on because he's out of his car.

And he's over here waving at us, waving at this van, but he's also like looking back at this tree limb that he's got to clear.

The limb is sizable.

A grown man could clear it, but with some effort, right?

So he's kind of in a predicament, but because this van is so close, I just coat the back of this van in mud.

The core driver of this van was just confused and bewildered as this cop is waving at him.

The car is getting belted with mud.

It felt like a really long time.

I bet it was 15 to 30 seconds.

And so Alan starts bouncing up and down in the seater.

Eventually we get purchase and we slip out of this ditch and hit the road.

Basically take off into this neighborhood.

And we make it a little ways down.

And I look in the rear viewer.

And at this point, the cop has resolved his issue.

He's cleared the branch.

He's in his car.

He's coming after us.

We're like trying to figure out what exactly we're going to do.

But we also all realize at the same time that we're on our home turf.

We've driven these roads our entire life.

We know the exact ins and outs of these neighborhoods.

So, these old neighborhoods, like there's lots of cul-de-sacs and roads that kind of loop around, that kind of stuff.

And so, it's really easy to get lost if you don't know exactly where you're going.

Maybe the cop did as well.

You know, he's a local officer, but we really knew these specific roads.

We immediately go into planning mode, like take a ride on Maple, planning our exit.

It was like, if we can go enough rights and lefts to break line of sight from this cop, we think we can get away.

He came after us really hard, but he was always like one turn behind us, right?

So, Steve's looking out the back, basically basically giving us the play-by-play.

And also, really quick, Nick, you live in a pretty small town, right?

Oh, yeah.

In your mind, though, you're like, yeah, all I got to do is get away as if you're not going to pass the same cop the next day downtown.

Where's a way?

There's no hiding in a small town.

That's true, yeah.

We fly through this area and we eventually lose it.

We take a couple of turns and he's no longer on our tail.

And we basically head towards the exit that we were planning for.

And we slowly creep up to this exit.

We didn't want to like stick our nose out in case he was on the main road that we were coming up to.

And we look left and we can see nothing.

We look right and we see a cop's lights on heading away from us.

Whether it was the same cop, I don't know.

Maybe he called for backup and they were heading like towards where we were.

But so we basically just like wait for him to get a little bit further away and then slowly take a left and just kind of head off.

And we ended up taking all the back roads we could basically to get to my house.

And we went inside, you know, locked the doors.

We were like, we're going nowhere.

We're in hiding.

That's how my buddy mooned a cop and then we got in a car chase and we escaped.

Wow.

I like to add much more serious offenses in response to maybe questionably not even an offense.

I agree.

Oh no, I think they think that we mugged that guy.

So let's shoot this person who saw us.

Exactly.

Who's confused?

It's a real comedy of errors.

For sure.

I feel like your friend who was peeing, that's really risky.

The door could have slammed on his penis.

Well, first of all, you're granting him an enormous penis that from his seat, it's making its way out to the door jam.

Well, isn't he peeing out the door?

Yeah, but if you roll over to the side, the edge of the door is below you.

But if you slam the door, it just hit your dick.

He's not snaking it up, so he's cracked the door and is peeing down into that gap.

He's got it open a pretty good amount.

He lodged his whole frame in that door frame.

It took a lot to get him in the car.

It would have taken a lot to get him out of the car.

Sounds agile for a big guy.

Cautionary tale: don't pee out of the car because you might get your dick slammed.

Okay, I think more cautionary tales: like, if you pee out of the car and you see a cop, just deal with that.

Don't get in a high-speed chase through a residential area

oh i got such a little burst of fun nostalgia when you said you got out of class and then you went to a friend's and you got to figure out what you're going to do for the rest of the day i love that i know me too

oh what a time yeah it was great as the years go by i kind of reflect on this story from like the officer's perspective right like he's just going about his day and then he gets out of his car walks up and then this car slowly drives by with a butt just pressed to the back and then the car speeds up freaks out hits a ditch and then a car comes up behind him and then the car just coats that car in mud from his perspective it must have been wild well yeah he's assuming you have something very illegal on the car firearms or drugs or some reason you guys are now smashing into signs some public property damage with that sign yeah yep you hit a few things there we actually went back the next day and that sign was still there so we absconded with it oh my gosh okay so

you guys are really looking to get in trouble and you didn't and those boys they made it to adult maturity.

They're thriving.

Oh, yeah.

Steve, he's actually my best friend, best man at my wedding.

He's actually the one who introduced me to the podcast.

Oh,

I really can't think of a better way to repay him for that than to embarrass him in front of millions of people.

Yes.

I like it.

I applaud it.

Yeah, it's nice.

Well, it's great meeting you, Dax.

Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, you too.

All right.

Take care, brother.

Dax, did that story make you sad?

Why are your eyes all red?

Well, no, it didn't make me sad at all.

But now I'm curious why my eyes are all red.

Yeah, they look like you've been crying.

I've been crying.

No, I worked out and drank pre-workout.

Now I'm concerned.

Now I want to see.

Hold on, let me.

You see what I mean?

They look a little less red than they did a minute ago.

Okay.

It's on the up and out.

Do you see what I mean?

I'm taking a photograph.

Then I'm going to zoom in.

Is it right there you're talking about?

Yeah, that one is very red.

That's probably from lifting.

Oh my God.

Pop the blood vessel in your eye?

I don't know.

I do think my eyes are going.

Red?

I think they're dying.

I feel very vulnerable with my eyes.

You do?

I do.

The rest of my body feels very bullish and viral.

But my eyes feel like they're in decline and I don't know where it's going to stop.

Okay, well.

And now they're popping.

They seem to be popping out the sides.

Maybe it's just my Bob's big boy shirt made the red pop.

It might be that.

I'll put my eye drops in before the fact check.

Okay.

Also, it's important for me to say that my brother was almost named Alan.

Oh, he was.

He is.

I'm glad you told us.

I took the time to tell it.

Yeah.

Okay, actually, I was thinking about mooning.

Do you think anyone has been mooning and then they get freaked out and they fart and poop on the window?

No, I don't think that happens.

I think that's happened.

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Hi, I was so hoping I would hear you guys talking about poop when I logged on.

Well, we know.

It's a 99% chance.

It's what we all come for.

yeah we were just debriefing because the previous caller involved some mooning while you were saying that monica she was curious if anyone has farted and pooped while they're mooning but i don't think so everything's happened in life that's true it's definitely happened but my question is i've done a lot of mooning as a kid especially because my brother had a license you know i was 11 so i was constantly hanging my butt out the window to amuse him you hung it out or hanged it up against the window no i'd roll the window down and hang my whole butt out the window my thought though is like i've done that a bunch of times i've never been been mooned.

Either of you been mooned?

I don't think so.

I have.

People did it on the school bus a lot.

Internally or towards the window or just to the other classroom?

Towards the window, you would do it.

So when you got off the bus, you'd see some mooners.

I think it's funny.

Little kids want to show their butts.

There's nothing dirty, really, about it yet.

Of course there is.

It's the dirtiest thing we have.

I think mouse could be potentially.

Then poop?

No, because you'd rather eat someone's spit than eat their poop.

For sure.

I'm just thinking some people's mouths are really problematic, right?

I don't want to think about that.

Like you've been talking to someone and there's food and there's stuff in the corner.

I'd rather see their asshole at that point.

That's what I'm getting at, Monica.

Can you agree?

Yeah, I'm always panicked that I have that.

If you've got a lot of food.

Look, you're making everyone self-conscious.

Stop that.

There was some teeth mouth checking before I got on the computer today, so I think I'm all set.

You look great.

Oh, well, thanks.

Where are you, Sidney?

I am in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Fort Wayne.

We've been doing a lot of Indiana lately.

Okay, so you have a cop story.

I do.

So this was the fall of 2008.

I was a freshman in college at IU.

And at that time, I was not really vibing with my roommate yet.

So when it came time for parents' weekend, my parents and my younger sister came down to visit and just decided that I would stay in the hotel with them.

Of course.

Yeah.

I just needed a taste of home, wanted to get out of the dorm for a night.

So we went to the football game that night.

It was a night game.

It all wrapped up.

This sounds so fun.

I know.

It was a bit of an intense game.

There was a major injury in the game.

So it ran really, really late.

And so this was the middle of the night.

We are on the road to the hotel.

And the reason that we are driving out of town is because it's parents' weekend and all the rooms in town have been booked up.

And it's like a state highway that we're taking, but this is still rural Indiana.

It's very dark on this road.

It's a two-lane highway.

And we're talking September.

So there is full-grown corn on either side of the road.

And I remember that because as you're going around turns, you can't really see what's around the curve.

And my dad is driving.

My mom's in the passenger seat.

I'm behind my dad, and my sister is behind my mom.

And we're driving down the road, and all of a sudden, this big white lifted truck comes barreling up behind us.

And my dad doesn't drive the speed limit normally.

So this guy had to have been flying, right?

So he comes up behind us, speeds over into the other lane, brights are on.

Where were you in 2000?

Well, you sure it was in a burgundy slipped a truck?

Nope, bright white.

And it passes us and it kind of disappears around the corner, right?

So we're like, that was weird.

What a jerk, whatever.

Keep driving.

All of a sudden, we come around a curve and there this white car is pulled over to the side of the road.

We'd pass it.

And as soon as we get past it, it pulls out behind us and turns on flashing lights, like police lights.

So we are getting pulled over by an unmarked police car.

Oh, God.

That's a thing.

You don't know about unmarked police cars?

That sounds illegal.

They're huge in Michigan for speeders.

Yep, we have them in Indiana too.

I could do a PSA right now.

It's bullshit.

Everyone needs to adopt California strategy.

You look at high accident zones and you police those and you're not out just trying to catch speeders.

That doesn't do anything to increase safety.

But Michigan's all about get net revenue.

Yeah, same with Georgia, but their cars are black and then in like light black, it says police.

Oh, no, you can get pulled over by a guy pulling a fishing boat in Michigan.

What?

Yeah.

This is in rural Indiana.

Who knows what county or whoever town that we're in?

So we're getting pulled over and of course my dad I'm sure says something along lines of like well what the hell did I do you're the one who just is barreling up behind me so my dad pulls over the guy gets out and walks up and he is wearing basketball shorts no cut off t-shirt

got his glasses on and he's wearing like those earrings that are half hoop earrings that have the balls on the end you know what i'm talking about oh my lord look like he's coming from a rave or something yeah

this is why this has to be illegal because anyone can just pretend yeah it's very untrustworthy we need a a uniform so he comes up to my dad's window and he starts laying into my dad about do you know how inappropriate it is to be driving around these back roads with your brights on when there's people in front of you it's really dangerous you're lucky i'm off duty right now or i'd be writing you a ticket oh my god this is such an abuse of power okay continue so my dad is kind of like sorry officer won't do it again i'll be more careful going forward and the guy says okay and he walks back to his car and gets in his car and drives off.

We get behind him and we're driving, following him further towards the town that we're staying in.

And as we're talking, we're like, that was really weird.

The way he was driving, the way he was dressed, honestly, generally, his behavior, it just didn't feel right.

My mom or I, we debated which one of us had the idea to say like, well, maybe we should just call 911, talk to Dispatch, make sure that was on the up and up, because that was strange.

So she calls 911 and she talks to the dispatcher, and the dispatcher is like, yes, ma'am, you can get pulled over by an off-duty police officer.

Yes, ma'am, the vehicle doesn't need to be marked.

Really kind of dismissive until my mom described the vehicle that he was driving-that lifted white truck.

And then, all of a sudden, this woman's demeanor on the phone just changed.

And all of a sudden, I was asking, Where are you?

Is he still in front of you?

And trying to get a little bit more details.

Oh, my God.

She says, Okay, you guys are going to be coming into town soon.

As you come into town, you're going to see a Walgreens.

We want you to pull into that parking lot.

An officer is going to meet you there.

So, we pull into town.

An officer pulls off to meet us, and a swarm of police cars descend on the truck in front of us.

We see him getting pulled over down the road.

Oh, we love this.

I love this.

I love it.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

So we're sitting in the Walgreens park.

Now, the officer comes up and talks to us, gets our description of everything.

And because of where I was seated, I could kind of see him best because my dad's right there with the lights.

My mom and my sister on the other side.

I could have the best view of his face.

And so I'm describing it to the officer.

We give him a full statement.

He goes back to his car for a little bit.

We see the commotion up the road.

Officer comes back and tells us that was not a police officer who pulled you over.

He has been suspected of doing this before.

And it has generally been to cars full of one or more women.

Oh my gosh.

This is disgusting.

We don't know details about what happened to those other women, but we do suspect that he came up behind us, saw me and my sister in the back seat,

thought it was a car full of women.

And when he saw my dad in the front seat, he just kind of had to pivot.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Wow.

that is so crazy.

I'm gonna start a bill.

The law is already on the books, you're not allowed to impersonate an officer.

We should have you can't do unmarked or no unmarked.

What we kind of learned from this is that if you are ever in somewhere as remote as where we were, or in a situation where you don't feel safe pulling over, you can call 911, you can talk to dispatch, and you can say, Hey, I'm getting pulled over in this location, this isn't a good place for me to stop.

I don't feel comfortable.

Can you please tell the officers they can follow me?

I'm going to meet them here.

The other thing we learned is that at least in Indiana, cops are supposed to have red and blue flashing lights.

Did he just have red?

I think it was just red.

It was just one color.

He was probably a volunteer firefighter because you're allowed to have red flashers if you're a volunteer firefighter.

It's illegal for anyone to have blue flashers unless they're law enforcement.

I think he got it at Spencer's Gifts.

Not AutoZone or some Auto Part store.

We had to go up the road and we had to identify him.

I don't know if he was like in handcuffs.

That was probably prejudicial, but we saw him.

We had to say, yep, that was the guy.

And what was his demeanor?

Do you feel like you were serving him up a plate of crow?

I would have lived for that moment.

His head wasn't down or anything.

He also wasn't yelling at police officers.

I just kind of remember him standing there, just kind of like taking it all in.

We got something in the mail a few months later, like telling us that we were going to have to come down and testify in a trial against him.

At the very last second, we got a call from the prosecutor's office saying that he had taken a plea bargain.

And so we didn't have to go and testify, but we do know that he was at least in some way prosecuted.

Okay, good.

Oh, that is scary.

It's really freaky to think about what would have happened if he had some sort of weapon on him because we were so in the middle of nowhere at that point.

Yeah.

Or if he were a car full of girls.

And the fact that he flew by and then he was like, oh, no, I'm going to stop.

Then I'm going to pull him.

Oh, my God.

I feel like you're a few steps away from being a serial killer.

Yeah, you're like on the path.

That was a good story.

Twisty and turning, huh?

Swervy

and swervy.

Survivy and swervy.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you guys, thank you so much for all that you do.

And my sister is a huge arm cherry.

She's so sad she couldn't be here to pop in.

Oh, man.

What's her name?

Zoe.

Shout out to Zoe.

And I hope you enjoy that beautiful Indiana summer that's coming your way.

It's about to get muggy.

Yeah.

It's time to find a swim hole.

Time to get a lot of extra hair ties.

Got to get your hair up.

You got to get it off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, Sydney.

Nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you guys guys too thank you for everything all right take care

hello hi hi is your name devin dex thought you were going to be a boy i did it's been a common thread i thought you were going to be a boy with a big barrel chest wow okay

i'm so happy to meet you both

why are you happy to meet us this is a mess

i'd way rather see you than a barrel chested devin for sure.

That's just what for some reason I decided we were going to see.

Devin is a common girl's name too.

Now you're in a cold climate.

I am in New York City in Manhattan.

I think I accidentally manifested this because I am in a walk-in closet for New York.

And when I first toured this apartment, I'm a rule follower, which is actually foreshadowing for this story.

Oh, right.

I subconsciously must have, you know, listened to a lot of armchair and I saw this walk-in closet.

I was like, oh, perfect.

If I ever do armchair and

I can follow the rules,

which is sick and twisted.

No, it's not.

You secreted it.

Yeah, that needs to be an option for it to happen.

That was great.

Yes, for New York, this is like a 1,400 square foot closet.

It's luxury for sure.

Yes.

You're not from New York, are you?

I am, but outside of the city.

Oh, okay, great.

I shouldn't have assumed that, but I think New York's like LA, where almost nobody is from here.

Right.

Except our Emma is from New York City.

She is.

You should let her break your stereotype.

I'll conclude Emma and now, Devin.

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All right, now tell us a grimy cop story.

This takes place about 10 years ago.

I was 17, so my mom was taking my brother early morning to baseball over the weekend.

What you need to know is that I did dance very competitively growing up, seven days a week, all of that.

And as you get older, we had ballet multiple times a week, but it was Saturday mornings at 8 a.m., which looking back now, as you get into high school, they were trying to keep us from going too crazy on the weekends or doing anything because you would have to pay for your crimes with our French ballet teacher on Saturday mornings.

Yes.

And was that effective?

Did you find that you didn't have much of a social life on Friday nights?

Sometimes I was trying to get around that.

Oh, okay.

Especially once I hit 17, I hadn't had much of a social life and I had been kind of pushing.

So my mom was not going to be home in the morning.

They were leaving at 4 a.m.

So sometimes I would be able to go out and rely on my mom to be the person to be like, get up, get out, you have ballet.

This Friday night, there was a big party and I was like, mom, I have to go.

And she said, okay, but no one is going to be here to wake you up.

You're on your own.

And And I was like, I'm fine.

I am going to have a few glasses of cheap pink wine or whatever the hell I was drinking.

I'm going to be totally fine.

Like you can trust me.

She's like, okay, you have to get yourself there.

So I go out.

I have a great time.

I have a little bit too much pink wine.

Boon's Farm.

Barefoot pink moscato.

Okay, I guess it's all changed.

Monica just looked at me so disapprovingly.

You're really showing your age.

Boon's farm.

Yeah, that was the pink wine of my generation.

God.

Is that even still in the marketplace?

I've never heard of it.

Have you ever heard of it?

No.

Oh, this is humiliating.

Okay.

So I have a bit too much and my alarm doesn't go off.

I don't wake up.

I wake up with a start on Saturday morning, look at my phone and say, oh, I am completely screwed.

I am so late.

We got to get moving.

So I am panicking, freaking out.

You know, when you're like really also hungover, running around, chicken with its head cut off.

But instead of being a normal person with a brain and being like, let's get this show on the road, get your dance bag, get in the car.

The first thing I do is I have to call my mom to panic cry and tell her what's going on.

Yeah, yeah.

Not a step I needed to take, but obviously I was feeling so much shame about doing exactly what she told me was going to happen.

So I go and I grab a landline, which is important.

I dial the first three numbers of her phone, but in my state of shock, I dial 911.

Oh, I think it's my mom.

I'm like shaking.

I'm shaking.

And all I hear on the thing is 911, what is your emergency?

I immediately hang up.

They won't know.

If I hung up, I hung up.

Now I know.

First red flag.

If you hang up, they need to call back.

Make sure you're not being murdered.

Exactly.

So they call back, not once, not twice, three times.

I am trying to ignore it to see if it'll go away.

Again, second red flag.

Finally, I say, this is not going to end.

I have to pick up the phone.

I pick up the phone, but I am.

inconsolable at this point.

I am anxious.

I'm on the verge of tears.

I'm manic.

They go, we have tried to call this residence.

What is going on there?

And I'm like, I'm so sorry.

I tried to call my mom.

I'm late for ballet.

Oh my God.

Oh, this is.

I'm late for ballet.

And they're like,

sweetie, what is going on?

Are you in danger?

And I'm like, no, no, I promise I'm not in danger.

And they're like, well, we need to talk to someone.

So being a role follower, despite the fact that it is 9 a.m.

on a Saturday morning and I am nearly 18 years of age, I get it in my head that, oh, it's illegal that I'm here alone and that there's no one in my house.

They're like, so can you put someone on the phone?

Is anyone home?

I go, my mom.

They go, great.

This is like the first story where things are just escalating for us.

Absolutely no reason.

This is completely my own fault.

And they're like, great, put her on the phone.

I go, she's in the shower.

Again, red flag central.

And they're like, well, you're going to need to go get her out of the shower or else we're going to have to send in like a full investigation.

Cause now I'm realizing this is every single flag that they say.

You are being held captive.

You are in danger.

Something's happening.

There's someone telling you to say things.

I am ticking every box.

To be clear, at this point, I haven't actually gotten dressed yet.

So I am in random pajamas and no shoes.

So my brain goes, okay, take the landline.

I'll go to my neighbor and make her pretend to be my mom.

Oh my goodness.

This is

a bad TV show.

It's crazy.

Yeah, it's very Kimmy Gibbler.

I book it out of my house barefoot, running through the neighborhood with the landline.

So now if they weren't already afraid, what they are hearing is, I'm going to go get my mom and a young girl panting.

So you're on a cordless landline.

I am on a cordless landline.

However, what I wasn't thinking of is I get to my neighbor's house, I bang on the door.

She answers, I grew up in a neighborhood where we're all very close.

So I could feel less embarrassed about how horrible this is.

And I'm like, listen, you need to pretend to be my mom.

And she goes, sweetie, even if I could, there's no way the landline didn't just disconnect.

It did disconnect.

So basically what the cops heard was someone running and panting through the neighborhood and then a disconnect.

All of a sudden, cops screaming through the neighborhood.

I actually like this.

You like it, yeah.

Yeah, the cops are like, we're going.

Better be safe than sorry.

That's right.

I go back inside.

They're like banging on the door.

And I have now put on my full leotard and tights because at this point, I'm still like, come hell or high water.

I'm getting my ass to ballet.

Like, this is not going to be the end of me.

I go to the door and and I'm like, I'm so sorry.

And they're like, what is going on here?

I try to explain the story, but it's so dumb.

And I'm like, can I please get in my car and go to ballet?

And they're like, Miss, at this point, this is much bigger than anything else.

We have a protocol here.

We got to search high and low.

So it takes about an hour.

They are looking to see if there is a secret basement, if there are other people being held in this home.

Really bad.

And a real waste of the poor taxpayer dollars.

And I am sorry.

Did they have to get on the phone with your mom at any point on the baseball trip?

They didn't because they saw me and I was 17 years old.

Yeah.

Like, they didn't care.

They were like, what is wrong with you?

Nobody's there to hurt you or anything.

I was completely fine.

Did you tell them about the pink wine the night before?

I did not.

That would be hilarious.

They arrested you.

Oh my God, that would be so funny.

I'm so sorry.

I'm just, I'm so hungover.

How old are you?

Could you put your hands behind your back?

Cops.

When cops are involved, things get very heated people's thinking goes off it does often i'm in the car and if there's just a cop anywhere near me i really start to get scared for no reason right you're doing everything by the book yeah maybe you've had a couple pink wines no no

no

sober

and i'm still scared

your mom thought the whole story was funny and i'm sure you got your just desserts she's like you're an idiot and i could have told you this was gonna happen she almost orchestrated the whole thing she's like i'm going to give her enough rope to hang herself.

This is parenting 101.

It'll be harmless.

Turned off the alarm.

I didn't want to say anything, but you've brought it back up.

Devin triggered me when she said her alarm didn't go off.

Dax, sometimes the alarm doesn't go up.

Or more often, people don't set it when they've had a couple of pink wine.

No, you said it and you check it a couple times, and then even still it doesn't go off.

Yeah, what do you think, Devin?

Do you think it didn't go off or you didn't set it?

Could have been either.

I probably didn't set it.

No, you said it.

Okeam's razor would definitely say you didn't set it.

There are exceptions.

What are the odds that it goes off all the time, except for the one night you came home drunk?

I can't believe this is the one time you're choosing to believe that tech doesn't have bugs.

This is the only time I don't believe women.

If I was male Devin with a barrel chest.

I'd be like, you got to get that alarm cock looked at.

No, I would definitely think he didn't set it either.

And I think all the times that I said my alarm didn't go off, I think I didn't set it.

I think that's what happened.

Well, Devin, it's a delight to meet you.

It was so nice to meet you both.

Thank you so much for everything.

I do want to shout out my mom, who is such a big arm cherry.

She almost wanted to fly in.

Oh, my God.

What's her name?

Her name is Ellen.

She loves you both.

Oh.

Shout out, Ellen.

Yeah, and I like Ellen's parenting.

She will absolutely die.

All right.

Well, take care.

Thank you both.

All right.

Bye.

I was watching my sexy show.

They drink wine in it sometimes.

I think it's the most unrealistic thing about the show.

Oh, really?

Because they're too young.

Yes.

And then now I'm proven wrong.

Well, kids drink wine for sure in high school.

Boone's farm.

Hi, Anna.

Can you hear us?

Yes, I can hear you.

Can you hear me?

Ken, do you have any opinions on what ages over-index for wine consumption?

Monica saw 20-somethings in a show.

You can just answer.

Okay.

Did you drink as a kid in high school?

I did not.

I was a rule follower, but I'm from Louisiana, so everybody's drinking, okay?

Oh, my God, yes.

But are they drinking wine when they're young?

I mean, no.

They're not, right?

They're drinking rubbing alcohol like I was.

I have friends in Europe, and they were drinking at 13, 14, 15, all wine.

That's right.

And then they're fine.

How old are you when you drank for the first time?

Did you wait till your 21st birthday or college?

I was 20.

You almost made it.

My aunts took me out for a night.

They said, We don't want you to make a fool of yourself.

We're going to give you a little prep.

How did they initiate you?

What was the cocktail?

Oh, we drank everything.

We went to a nice dinner and then we went home and then it was game long.

Oh, I love this.

Okay, where are you in the world?

I am just north of Dallas in Melissa, Texas, but I'm from Lafayette, Louisiana, which is where the story takes place.

Okay, wonderful.

Hit us with this cop story.

Yes.

So the year is 2003.

I am eight years old.

My parents are freshly divorced.

My dad is a police officer, but we are learning a new normal.

We have a new house.

We're in a new situation.

And so while there was a lot of upheaval in my life, I felt like my dad was always this protector.

He was the police officer.

He was always so strong.

That's a good feeling, isn't it?

Especially as a little girl.

Amazing.

In our town, we have a little mini mart.

My dad and I'm saying was when we went to this mini mart, I was allowed to get a Mary Jane, which, if you don't know, is a small piece of taffy that probably grandmas only eat.

Is that like a 15-cent item or something?

10 cents.

What flavor?

It's like a caramelly something.

Like a slow poke, maybe.

It was just our thing.

And so we would each get a 10-cent Mary Jane.

Oh, this is so cute.

A lot of the times I would run ahead while he was still shopping.

It was a small town mini mart, so it wasn't huge, but enough to be out of sight.

I would run ahead, grab the candies, and then meet him wherever he was.

So this particular day, I run up to grab the Mary Jane's, and as I'm reaching for the candy, someone grabs my wrist.

I look up and it is a very tall man in sunglasses.

And he says, I am so sorry.

I thought you were my daughter.

I'm thinking, harmless.

And I just skip away.

As I said, I'm pretty young.

No red flags at this moment.

So my dad was a car guy.

And when when we would drive around locally, we would take our 72 Chevy that was red and white, pickup truck.

So, you can't really miss it.

We hop in the red and white truck.

It was a three-seater.

We drive home.

When we get home, we unload our groceries.

I climb up to the counter.

I'm eating a snack.

And the way that our house was laid out was to the left of the island was a door.

The top half was a window.

And our garage was open.

So that was the door that led into our garage.

I'm eating, and I see someone approaching the door.

And I turn and look, and it's the man that grabbed my wrist.

Oh, my God.

He followed us home.

Whoa.

At this moment, I'm realizing something isn't right.

I still am very confused.

The dots are trying to connect, but they're not there yet.

I hear my dad.

come in the room and he says, go to your room.

And I say, no, I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

What's going on?

And he was a very unserious man.

We were very silly.

We grew up always joking and laughing.

And he said, go

to your room.

I go in my room.

I don't know why this part of the story is so hilarious to me, but I lay in my bed, hands like a plank.

I just lay down and look at the ceiling.

Yeah.

It's so scary.

Yeah, I was awaiting my fate.

I just was so paranoid and scared at that moment.

And I start to hear yelling.

I hear things breaking.

I hear glass shattering.

Oh, my God.

And I hear two male voices, my dad and this man, screaming at each other.

Nothing like this has ever happened before.

So I have no idea what's going on.

And my dad was pretty well liked in the community.

I was like, no one's out to get us.

What raised my concern and made me go out of my room and start to peek into the chaos of what was happening was I started to hear a female voice.

And she was screaming, stop, everyone, stop, stop.

And I run out.

Now, my dad.

is a police officer, but he was a short little guy, 5'7 ⁇ , 5'8, maybe on a good day.

And this man is like 6'5.

Oh, boy.

I look through the door of my garage.

My dad is like a spider monkey on this guy's back.

Oh my god.

He's got his legs wrapped around this guy's chest.

He's got him in a headlock.

Oh, beautiful.

He sees me poke my head out.

I see that there's a female.

I have no idea who these people are.

He looks at me and he mouths to me called parant, which is Cajun French for your godfather.

Oh.

Oh, he doesn't want more cops.

He wants godfather.

My godfather was a canine cop.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, this guy wandered into the wrong house.

He's a big man, but he's struggling.

And so I grab my dad's phone.

I call my parent.

Within five minutes, three or four police cars pull up to our house.

They help my dad out.

They handcuff this guy.

They load him into the car.

I am, meanwhile, panicking because I'm like, this is how I die.

Yeah.

Well, there's a giant in your home and your dad's hanging on for dear life.

My dad comes in.

He's flustered, but no injury, no lasting effects.

And he sits me down and he goes, that was crazy.

And I was like, Yeah, it was.

And he said, I arrested that man a few years back.

He found out where I was and he followed us home.

Our car is very obvious.

He probably was scoping out the situation at the store.

But wow, he grabbed you.

That's such a crazy detail.

I will never forget that feeling because right when he grabbed my wrist, I felt a little bit panicked.

But when he said, Oh, it was an accident, everything was settled in that moment.

Do you think he was going to do something to you?

But then when he saw your little face, he was like, I can't.

I've never thought of that part.

I just always thought he was thinking, how can I hurt her dad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Scare everyone.

But what's crazy is if you're this dude and you're like, I'm going to go to the house, you know it's a cop.

You know, he's armed.

What's the game plan?

I'm shocked he didn't come in with a gun.

Yeah.

And I don't know if there was any weapons or what.

I mean, I wasn't in the chaos and it was happening.

Thank God.

And who is the lady?

His wife, I guess his driver.

She was along for this ride.

Bonnie and Clyde.

Bringing him, yeah.

Oh, my lord.

What was the outcome of all this?

He went back to jail for that incident.

I don't know how long he stayed in jail.

Did your dad say what he had arrested him for initially?

Oh, I wonder.

Probably kidnapping.

Ooh, wow.

That's crazy.

That's so creepy.

Were you so proud of your dad?

I was so proud of him.

When I saw him on that man's back, I was like, you know what?

Your size doesn't matter.

That's right.

And honestly, when it came to me and my brother, it didn't matter if the person was an ogre.

He would have won.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So sweet.

Oh, I like this story.

You know, I like my dad's stories.

We love dads here.

Yeah, we do.

I just want to say that the type of dad that you are, Dax, that's how my dad was with me.

And as a little girl, you don't forget the way that your dad validates you and is so sweet to you and is involved and cares about what you care about.

Oh, buddy.

I just want to say it's kind of a sim.

My dad.

passed away very unexpectedly two days before I graduated high school.

I got this little email on Father's Day and I just felt like it was so sim.

And I was like, Thanks, Dad.

Oh, I get to talk about you.

That is so sick.

Oh, Anna.

I'm so sorry.

That's way too young.

But I'm glad you got a good one.

I say that all the time.

When people say, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

I say, I got him for 18 years.

So many people don't have that.

That's a good attitude.

Oh, thank you so much.

Yeah, such a delight meeting you.

It was so nice meeting you guys.

I hope you have a great rest of your day.

Okay, you do.

Bye-bye.

Beautiful story.

Oh, it kind of makes up for my missteps with the Boone's Farm and the other things I messed up this episode.

Why did that make up?

It just cleansed the palette.

We got to go out on a happy note.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, it erased all the bad stuff.

You did.

Yeah.

You did a bad thing too or not.

Did I?

All right.

Love you.

Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

We're going to do a theme song.

Oh.

Okay, great.

We don't have a

song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of Arm Jerry's, we'll get some suggestions

on the fire rhyme dish,

on the fire rhyme dish.

Enjoy.

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