Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation II

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now.

Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

I'm Dan Shepard.

I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Hi.

My favorite prompt.

Oh, it's your favorite.

What's your favorite prompt?

Gosh, that's like picking children.

Meet Kif.

I love meat cups.

No, I like these.

Okay, unauthorized evacuation to baloney.

It's the second time we've done that specific prompt.

We've done plenty of

small prompts that are more specific.

So this was a broader net.

Okay, we went back to a broader net.

And once again, guys, it's perfect.

They're so fun.

They deliver it.

It needs its own feed.

Just

booty stories.

Enjoy unauthorized evacuations part.

Whatever.

We are supported by Boar's Head.

Let me tell you about my new obsession from Boarshead that's basically barbecue joint flavor without the three-hour wait.

It's called Sweet Bees Honey Barbecue Glaze Chicken Breast.

And folks, this is what happens when honey meets barbecue perfection.

They take this incredible chicken breast, season it with smoked paprika and garlic, then slow roast it with the amazing proprietary glaze made with real wildflower honey.

Their tagline says it perfectly.

It's honey drizzled and barbecue sizzled.

And that's exactly what you get in every bite.

I mean, I can eat a stack of this.

Yeah, this is making me starving.

I want that.

Try sweet bees today and experience the flavor of authentic barbecue at your local Boarshead deli counter.

Boarshead, committed to craft since 1905.

We are supported by Quince.

With Quince, you can get luxury basics at prices that make sense.

Get all the good stuff, high-quality fabrics, classic fits, and lightweight layers for warm weather without dropping a fortune.

I just was staring at a box of Quince that arrived yesterday.

Kristen's been firing off orders.

We all love everything that arrives.

I ordered some sheets, some really, really amazing sheets.

They're also so cute.

They're striped.

They have this like cream stripe.

It is,

I love Quince, and I feel like it's a hack, honestly.

It's like the quality is so good, and it's so reasonable.

If you need to get anyone a present or anything, I think Quince is the place.

Look no further.

Quince has closet staples you'll want to reach for over and over, like cozy cashmere and cotton sweaters from just $50, breathable flow-knit polos, and comfortable lightweight pants that somehow work for both weekend hangs and dressed up dinners.

And everything you're going to order from Quince is half the cost of similar brands.

By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quince gives you luxury pieces without the markup.

Keep it classic and cool with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash DAX for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash dax to get free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash DAX.

Hard times come and go.

Good times, take them slow.

My life,

I had them both.

Remember one thing,

you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining.

Hi, Doug.

Douglas or Doug?

I just go by Doug.

Okay, great, Doug.

Where are you?

I am in St.

George, Utah.

I love St.

George.

That's right when you enter out of Arizona and it turns all red and pretty.

Yep, it's great.

Just like an hour and a half outside of Vegas.

If you're an outdoorsy person, it's a great place.

And a lot of pants shitting happening over there?

Not here.

So this story actually takes place out in Jacksonville, North Carolina, May of 2018.

I was stationed out there in Camp Johnson because I was in the Marine Corps Reserves.

So I was out there for my MOS training for my occupation in the military.

What's MOS?

I was a motor vehicle mechanic.

Good for you.

Just to kind of give you a little backstory.

So it was the end of the week.

It was a Sunday night.

All my buddies and me were getting together in my barracks room for just an end of week celebration.

So we decided to order this big pizza.

We ended up devouring the whole thing.

It was great.

Toppings?

Oh, gall.

It was all meat pizza.

It was like pepperoni, sausage, anything you can think of meatwise.

And next morning floats around.

And every morning we have to be outside in front of the barracks at right around like five in the morning.

So usually I wake up, do your morning business, take care of whatever and then head on outside for the morning run this particular morning however i did not have enough time to wake up and do everything that i needed to so woke up late was scrambling to get my clothes together slapped on my workout shorts are the shorts loose or are they tight like bike shorts very flowy green running shorts okay started to head outside and i already know I'm not feeling too well.

Something's going on down there.

And I was like, well, this is the worst stomachache I've felt in a long time, but didn't have time to really like go about it.

How long is the run scheduled to be?

It's like seven plus miles each morning.

Jesus.

And also, are you allowed to call in sick?

No.

That's for civilians.

But he's lost me so many times.

It's like anything where I would have to be at attention at 5 a.m., which means I'd have to get up at 4 a.m.

Because my movement takes a little finessing.

I've got to have coffee and nicotine.

Not if you're in the Marines.

You can't do any of that.

Well, I know.

I just have to wake up at 4 to get this whole thing running.

Do they let you have nicotine there?

Of course, they all dip.

They do, but you're not supposed to really have it like on the job.

Yeah, you're not supposed to.

Okay, I was over in Afghanistan twice, and 90% of the people were dipping.

Listen, Doug is right here in front of us.

Okay, Doug, do a lot of the guys dip.

Oh, yeah.

Dipping was a huge thing.

Let's let the soldiers talk, Monica.

Let's let them.

Oh, my God.

Disgusting.

Okay, go on, Doug.

Go on.

Sorry, Doug.

So we start out on this run.

We get probably two and a half miles into it.

I really have to go at this point.

And so the sergeant who's leading the platoon in this run, he's up at the front.

I'm about four Marines back.

Run up to the front.

And I was like, hey, Sergeant, I have to go.

Is there anywhere I can go?

And he's like, no, it's 5.45 in the morning.

Nothing's even open.

There's barracks around us and like office buildings, but nothing's open.

So he's like, you're just going to have to hold it.

I'm sorry.

I get back into formation, just keep running.

I was regretting all my life decisions at this point.

And I

probably ran for another like 15 minutes or so.

And at this point, it was not happening.

Shit was starting to flow.

I was prairie dogging.

It was bad.

Oh, no.

This is so sad.

Well, this is, you got to get tough.

No.

No.

Our bodies are bodies.

We're on this paved road and there's a little ravine off to the right.

At this point, I don't even care about humiliation.

I need to go.

And so I barely make it down into this little ravine, pull my shorts down.

They're about down to my knees, I'd say.

And my ass is out in the woods and my head is sticking out of the woods and everything behind me is at this point getting painted.

It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.

It was an explosion.

It was an explosion.

Hey, sorry, that's a little

insensitive because, you know, a table.

Well, hold on.

They specialize in the middle.

We don't know about PTSD.

I don't know.

We got to be sensitive.

At this point, everything

is going to hell.

My shorts are covered.

My shoes are covered.

My socks are all covered.

Really quick, did the sergeant peep what was happening?

Yeah, they were calling it out.

I dipped off into the woods and all this is happening and they can't leave you.

So

this platoon just keeps doing u-turns running by me as I'm shitting my brains out on the side of the road.

So all of my buddies, 35, 40 guys probably are just running past, laughing their asses off.

At this point, I'm very embarrassed, most embarrassing moment of my life because all my buddies are seeing me like this.

So finally, about like the fourth or fifth pass by, the sergeant's finally like, hey, you take care of you.

You do whatever you have to do.

We'll meet you back in formation after the morning chow haul.

So he takes everybody to morning chow, and I'm left just by myself, me and like Smokey the Bear out in the woods.

Nobody's even there.

And this is about a mile from my barracks where I have to get back to to change.

Oh, and you're just covered.

Yeah, I have like one of two options in my head.

I can either put back on my shorts and my underwear and they're soaked, and run back to the barracks just covered in shit, or I can leave them there and run back just with my shirt and my shoes.

So,

for whatever reason, I chose the latter.

There was a third option on the table, which is remove your t-shirt and then like step through the armholes and make a little dipe.

You could have covered your testicles.

I mean, it is a good solution, but I wouldn't have thought of it.

Okay, so you chose to run back back with your dicks.

Winnie the Pooh.

Yeah, so at this point, I have the shirt long enough down where it covers my junk, but I'm just in my white sneakers that are now a light shade of brown and my white socks, and I'm running back to the barracks.

And I am worried about everything because a base higher up could see you.

Like, there's a lot of different factors that could happen if I get caught streaking on a military base.

Yes.

We finally make it back to the barracks and I was like, I can't let my roommates know what happened.

So I just strip down to nothing, run inside, shower, I febreeze the whole room.

You can't smell a thing.

I was very proud of myself.

So I get back out and I have to dispose of the evidence.

So I toss it in the trash can, get dressed, and I meet them in formation after they get done in the chat hall so we can head to our normal classes and stuff throughout the day.

So I was feeling great about myself.

They checked in on me.

They were like, Hey, you good?

And I'm like, Yep, I'm good.

Second part of the story: we march back to wherever we were going for our training that day.

And about an hour or so into the training, I'm sitting there and I'm like, Oh my gosh, my hands are getting so warm, and my ass is on fire.

And I was like, What's going on?

No.

And then it occurred to me that out in the woods, I had nothing to clean myself up with.

And the trees behind me had these pretty decently large leaves.

And so I was like, this is all I can do to clean myself up.

So I grab these leaves and I start wiping myself off.

And I was like, great, this worked.

Everything's left in the woods.

It's done with.

And so now it's starting to occur to me, like, what did I wipe my ass with?

This is horrible.

It ended up being poison oak.

Then another half an hour or so goes by,

and it was on fire at this point.

I needed to get like help.

It was burning.

And so I asked the same sergeant who had taken me on the run, like, hey, I need to go to the doctor.

Hey, Doug, you're a disgrace to this unit.

Yeah.

What if he kicked you out of America?

So he's like, do what you need.

Just take care of yourself, get better.

So he sends me to the doctor, which is probably like two miles down the road, I'd say.

And so at this point chafe on level 10 and it's may so it's already hot and humid in carolina

they gave me some ointment and medication and it ended up clearing up in like two weeks so i was in pain and i still had to go on the morning runs oh jeez they have all these really intense

tests of durability and resilience They should add this to like seal training.

Now shit in the woods.

Now wipe with this and now carry on.

I would argue what you went through is about as tough a situation as you can find yourself in it.

It was very unpleasant, but the moral of the story is if you order a big pizza, don't eat it and then try to run the next morning.

That's the moral.

I wouldn't have thought a pizza, I mean the meat, something probably, but it was only you.

I'm not willing to blame the pizza.

I think it was a

painful pepperoni pizza.

No.

Are you still in the service?

I actually get out my contract on September 11th of this next month, so I'm out.

And did you like it?

I loved it.

It was great to do once, but but I wouldn't do it again.

Okay.

Oh, well, dog, that was so much fun.

Thank you.

I'm sorry that happened.

Yeah, me too.

Thank you guys so much for meeting with me this morning.

Of course.

Bye.

Okay, I just had a full revelation.

What is it?

Do you think Winnie the Pooh, the reason he only wears a shirt is because he pooped everywhere, and that's why his name's Winnie the Pooh.

Or I think it's so he doesn't poop himself because he's Winnie the Pooh.

He poops a lot and he couldn't risk putting pants on.

Okay, it's similar.

It is.

It is.

It's just what direction.

I just wish you would let me just have my ideas.

Okay, I did let you.

It's still your idea.

One time he pooped in his pants, right?

And then he's like, oh, I can't be wearing pants anymore.

I'm not built for these.

Yeah.

And so then he became, his name was Winnie.

Which is interesting.

Original.

Winnie is from Wonder Ears.

It's a female name.

And then he pooped, and then he became Winnie the Pooh, and he took off his shorts forever.

I never overthought the name, but it's a wild name because it's a woman's name and then Pooh.

And it's the poo.

Yeah.

Good for them.

They snuck that right by us.

Hi.

How are you?

Do you have a fake name in mind?

I don't.

I was going to see if y'all could pick one.

Mickey.

I love that.

I'll take it.

Can you guess why I chose that?

Monica's repping it.

Yes, exactly.

I'm wearing a Mickey shirt for for the listener.

Mickey, where are you?

I am in South Texas, kind of along the Gulf Coast area.

Oh, okay, great.

And you want a fake name, which means this is either ultra-embarrassing or there was some illegality to this evacuation.

Both are exciting.

Not illegal, just incredibly embarrassing.

Just saving the shame for my mom in case she ever hears it.

Okay, okay, okay.

Looking out for the parents.

Right, I understand.

For context, I went to a very, very small school.

This takes place in junior high.

So that is critical information.

Okay, Mickey, I can't think of a worse time for this kind of an event to happen than junior high.

Absolutely.

Unlike you, Dax, I was not cool in junior high.

That was not my time to shine.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, it's fine.

I'm great now.

Okay.

But I went to a very small school.

Our entire school fit on one city block.

Even our junior high and high school were in the same building.

So it was junior high kids walking the hallway with high school students.

Dangerous.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, very intimidating.

Yeah.

Being at a small school, everybody plays every sport, whether you're good or not.

You're almost begged to make teams complete.

So this takes place circa 2007.

I was in seventh grade on the basketball team, and I was not a star athlete.

I was a very chunky, very round kid.

I was a good trier.

Okay, great.

I'm usually the personality hire.

I rode the bench a lot, but I still went to every game and still showed up.

When they put you in, what position were you playing?

Oh, I don't know.

Playing please don't pass me the ball.

Stay away from the ball position.

We had an out-of-town game this night.

And being small schools, you usually have to travel pretty far to go to another small school.

And it's always

two-lane back roads through no stoplight towns until you get to your no-stop light town, which is home.

So the game went off fine.

After the game was over, tradition was that you change into your street clothes.

We dump all of our uniforms in the dirty bag.

The coach takes them back to the gym, washes them for the next game, and we're all riding home in our street clothes.

On the way home, we always stop at Somewhere Very Texas, a water burger, a dairy queen,

something along those lines, where the only options are greasy burger, greasy chicken strips so i'm sure i had one of those two options on this evening and how long was the ride do you think probably ride at about an hour pretty much all back roads in between so we all load up on the bus and i get the coveted cool back seat you know the one in the very back of the bus that's the single seat because you don't have to share with anyone

so i was like uh i'm cool i'm in seventh grade i've got the cool seat you know and so everything's going fine it's dark on the bus none of the windows really roll down it's old bus, so it's just quiet.

Everybody has their headphones in, listening to music on our iPod nanos at the time.

And I just feel this gut punch of a pinch in my stomach.

And it just hits me like a wave.

And I just start getting a little sweat on my forehead.

And then it turns into full body chills.

And this all takes place in a span of about 90 seconds.

And if you've ever played sports or rode a school bus, you know, there's no point in even asking to stop because it's not going to happen and in this case there's literally nowhere for the bus to even pull over there's not shoulders on these roads yeah it'd be pulling into a ditch exactly which i would have been fine with sure

so i feel this rush of anxiety this rush of heat full body sweat come over me and the next thing i know i just explode

No warning, no warning.

No warning.

You weren't even like fighting it.

It just came over me, like literally exploded.

And it was so bad.

It filled up my jeans.

It went up and out the back.

It was all over the seat.

Oh.

Oh, mama, it's a bucket.

It sounds like.

Yo.

To this day, I have never seen that much diarrhea in my life.

We are supported by all state.

Checking all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance is smart.

Unfortunately, not checking things first, well, that's how you end up with some pretty embarrassing stories, like not checking if your phone is actually connected to your earbuds before belting out total eclipse of the heart on an airplane.

Yeah, that was a fun flight.

Or not checking if your gym shorts have a hole in them before doing squats in front of the wall mirror.

The whole gym got a show that day.

And don't even get me started about checking if your camping stove has fuel before heading into the wilderness.

Nothing says roughing it, quite like three days of granola bars and room temperature water.

Yeah, checking first is smart.

So check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate.

Savings very subject to terms, condition, and availability.

All state fire and casualty insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

You know who gives the best life advice?

Baristas.

They are polling shots of espresso while solving people's marriages, career, and whatever weird things going on in their shoulder that day.

And don't even get me started about airport bartenders.

They're like therapists who serve whiskey, right?

But here's the thing.

As wise as these bathroom philosophers and barstool counselors might be, they're not actually trained professionals.

You gotta get a trained professional on the case.

Even though we are a show called Armchair Expert, we understand, in fact, because we are a show, we understand that a professional is a professional.

We talk about all kinds of things on here and with each other, but it's different when you're talking to a therapist.

Just they know more.

Yes, it's so helpful to have someone outside of your little ring of emotions that can kind of objectively watch what's going on.

That's why BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed professional therapists who are actually qualified to help with things like relationships, anxiety, and depression.

They've been matching people with the right therapists for over 10 years, and they've got a 4.9 rating from 1.7 million client session reviews to prove it.

Find the one with better help.

Armcherries get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash DAX.

That's better H-E-L-P dot com slash DAX.

We are supported by Skims.

Okay, so you know I love Skims so much and it has a ton of different products.

It has apparel, it has swim, it has menswear, which I know you like.

And I raved about a lot of the different product lines and these ads we get to do, but Skims is best known for their incredible intimates.

And that makes total sense.

The quality of their bras and underwear is truly unmatched.

It's luxe.

It's comfortable fabrics.

It fits that feel good and look good underclothes, which is hugely important.

And it's really everything you could want.

Like it is very, very, very hard to find.

comfortable underwear that's also cute.

Yes, that's the big challenge.

But you're endlessly recommending this to friends.

I am.

I have multiple of their bras.

They all fit great.

They work well under all clothes.

And I recently tried the Fits Everybody Lace Tanga.

It's made with this like really, really, really soft Fits Everybody fabric.

I'm obsessed with it.

It has this lace trim, so it adds a little bit of sexiness, but it's also comfortable.

It's the most comfortable underwear I own, and it makes me feel amazing every time I wear it.

Shop Monica's favorite bras and underwear at skims.com.

After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you.

Select podcast in the survey, and be sure to select our show in the drop-down menu that follows.

Skims.com.

Were there high schoolers on the bus too?

No, luckily this was only junior high, but it was still, you know, about 25 of my peers, which is not ideal.

It just starts moving up the bus road like a tidal wave of smell.

And you just start to hear, oh God, what's that?

And someone said, oh my God, did somebody fart?

And all I could think was, babe, I wish.

Were you considering being like, I know, ew,

what is that?

At this point, I knew I was going to have to make peace with my mess because there was no hiding it.

Like I said, it was all up my back, all over the seat, all in my jeans.

Oh, there was no, let me just quick change into other pants.

This sounds very much like a baby's diaper.

Yeah.

This is like a baby diaper situation.

Yeah.

Yes.

I just had a baby and we just had our first blowout.

So it brought back trauma.

Yeah.

There's a piece of this where I definitely trauma blocked.

I don't 100% remember, but I know the girls just started moving up to the front of the bus.

They're like three deep piled in the seats in the front two rows.

Like I said, the windows wouldn't roll down so the few windows that were they're like breathing out of it or the adults like oh my god i can't imagine adults like girls get to the front yeah yeah run

there was one adult and she was driving the bus oh

no

someone must have put together like this is more than a fart someone hit their pants and probably it was evident that it was me because i was the only one not making my way to the front of the bus

what if you also just started going on look at this tableau of how sad this is.

I know to do the reverse shot of this.

I am a picture in all these people.

There's nowhere to stop.

So I just had to sit in my shitty pool of mess.

You know, the back of the bus is

splish splash.

Yeah, until we pulled into a Walmart.

And it was like a very small Walmart before they were like super Walmarts.

So the bus driver makes her way to the back with that can of sawdust that they usually put on throw-up and a pair of gloves.

Did all the kids get off the bus immediately and just you and her now?

Yes.

And so she walks to the back and assesses the situation.

And literally, she says, Oh, God, what did you do?

Drop your britches to poop.

I said, No, ma'am, it was just that much.

Oh, Lord.

So she kind of sprinkles some sawdust on there.

What is the sawdust supposed to do?

Neutralize the smell?

Keep it from splashing around.

It absorbs it.

Then you can also sweep it up now.

You can't sweep up, throw up, but if you get it all in that sawdust, you can't.

Yeah, and I don't know if sawdust is designed for diarrhea or just to fix the different makeup.

So it may not have worked very well, but she was working with what she had like we all were.

Sure.

So she goes to the uniform bag, and this is the callback of where I was a very chunky kid.

So she goes to the uniform bag and she just kind of fishes for probably the biggest one she can find not my uniform to put on to give me a clean pair of clothes so she hands me this random uniform and says okay go into walmart clean yourself up change so i'm waddling through walmart probably dripping shit just this trail of smell probably following me so i go in there also all the other girls decided to take this time to come in there and use a bathroom so i'm you know can you wet this toilet paper and hand it back to me so I can clean myself up?

Oh my God.

At this point, it was like, swallow your pride and get it done.

So I come out of the bathroom wearing someone else's uniform.

Poor number 13, you know, every time they put that uniform on the rest of the season, we're probably like, these are the shitty uniforms.

So we all load up in the bus.

The bus driver had called my mom because I don't even think I had a cell phone at this point.

And, you know, I was like, you need to be there because it's like 10 o'clock at night by the time we get back to the school.

So, luckily, it had happened right before Thanksgiving break.

So, my mom let me stay home for two days because I think she just knew that's way too embarrassing.

Let everyone have their fun for a couple days, then we'll go on break.

And hopefully, the rugs will have died down in 10 days.

Do you think people thought you like died?

That would have been great.

I might have gotten some sympathy out of it.

Maybe there was a rumor about that going around.

The really only blowback, no pun intended, after I got back to school after the Thanksgiving break was one girl in art class did come up specifically and sit next to me and said, Did you shoot your pants on the school bus?

And I was like, Yeah.

She was like, Well, why'd you do that?

And I was like, I couldn't help it.

Why'd you do that?

Kids are so fucking stupid.

Kids are so stupid.

It took me probably 10 years to be able to speak about this out loud.

It was something I just buried.

But truthfully, listening to y'all's podcast, hearing the other unauthorized.

Yeah, the survivors.

I'm not the only one.

So I figured if I can survive that, I can survive anything.

I truly think that's why I don't get embarrassed anymore.

I'm probably more confident than I should be.

It's definitely because this traumatic event happened in my formative years and I was fine.

Now having a little baby girl, too, I told my husband I was nervous to come on and tell this story because it is embarrassing.

But I said, I want her to know it's okay to be embarrassed.

You'll survive.

So I can't wait to show her this at some point.

Oh,

wow.

I told my best friend I was coming on to tell this story.

She said, Oh my gosh, which story are you going to tell?

The airplane story or the school bus one?

Oh, great.

You've shit your pants more than once.

Oh, it happens like every six months or so.

Oh,

you're kind of like a dude.

I like okay, so yeah, we could hang.

This could be a sphincter issue.

Well, I don't want to say issue, but I think you're perfect as design.

I think it's a character-building

design.

But yeah, a character-building design.

There we go.

Oh, that was great.

Oh, I love that, Mickey.

Poor Mickey on that boss.

Everyone desired

she was a woman without a country.

They had to do what they needed to do for them, too.

Yeah, I don't blame them, but Mickey.

But it's sad.

It's a sad scene.

I felt so bad that so many people were also affected because usually you poop your pants and it's a pretty insulated event.

Maybe one other people, not 25 of your peers in junior high are also participating in the misery.

This is about as bad as it could get, save maybe hooking up with your dream crush.

That's bad.

At least that didn't happen.

But other than that, the seventh grade school bus has really got to be up there.

Yeah, it was pretty rough.

Well, Mickey, thank you.

That was delightful.

Thank you for sharing it.

You're very brave.

brave thank you well lovely meeting yes so nice to meet you

beat the heat down there i will i'm trying okay all right take care

bye

thank you monica for this beverage well rob ordered it thank you rob for this beverage got it i don't know why i thought it was on your account somehow well it was my it was going to be hi tony how's it going we just got some beverages that were ordered by rob and monica and they've just arrived and we're so excited

What do you have?

What's your beverage?

Yeah, what do you got going?

I'm a cold brew fanatic.

Beautiful.

Where are you at, Tony?

Well, I live in New Orleans, but at the moment, I'm on a road trip.

I'm in Asheville, North Carolina at an Airbnb.

I'm going in October.

Have you been?

Oh, yeah, many times, but Aaron and I are going to go on a motorcycle trip and be based out of there and explore.

That's very beautiful.

The coffee scene is next level.

Oh, is it?

Okay, so from New Orleans, but in Asheville.

Not from New Orleans.

I've been living there for 10 years.

I'm originally from Omaha, Nebraska.

Wow.

Okay.

I'll say, you're getting a taste of everywhere.

All right, so where did this unauthorized evacuation take place?

This unauthorized evacuation took place in my hometown in Omaha.

Surprisingly, not New Orleans.

I would imagine plenty of people have shit themselves over there.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I got bourbon-faced on Shit Street.

It's my favorite shirt.

That's a great t-shirt, isn't it?

So, yeah, this took place in Omaha circa 2012.

I have to provide some context in two ways.

The first is I had a very boring day job.

So to spice things up a bit, I took a job moonlighting as a bartender.

It was at this three-story sushi and sake lounge called Blue Sushi.

They now have like 20 locations across the country, a couple in Nashville, by the way.

Shout out to my homies at Blue Sushi.

It's arguably the busiest restaurant in Omaha.

Very high volume, very popular.

And the other thing you need to know is I lived in an apartment building across the street.

This was all in the old market district of Omaha.

I also have to tell you about Jason, who was the manager of our apartment building.

Great manager, very fun guy, very sociable.

Everybody's friend, loved to party.

Also my neighbor.

So Jason and I shared a wall.

It was a very busy Friday night at the bar.

I was working on the third floor, a private party, packed house, having a great time, working with my friend Cassie, taking some shots.

And then all of a sudden, this like grenade goes off in my gut.

And my body did not give me any heads up on this.

Had you eaten any fish?

prior to your shift?

As I recall, I did not eat any fish.

I don't know if this was something I ate, but there was no warning.

I was feeling great.

And then I sharted.

Oh, okay.

And you're on the floor with the customers at this point?

I am behind the bar.

I could feel it.

I could smell it.

Oh,

and I knew that this was not the end.

I didn't know what was coming, but I knew it was not going to be good.

And so I tell Cassie, you got a cover for me.

And now I'm like frantically weighing my options because there are only two bathrooms in this whole establishment.

The first is on the first floor, which is only equipped for a one-man show.

and it's adjacent to the dining room, and it's like perpetually occupied.

I don't want to do that.

And the other bathroom is on the second floor.

It's like a party in there.

And I don't want to subject anybody to what I'm about to do.

I did the only thing that made sense to me.

I ran down the stairs, I ran across the street, I ran to my apartment building,

and then I meet my nemesis, which is the elevator.

Hey football fans, Gillette's best shave has a new look this season and it's looking smooth, almost as smooth as my voice.

We're talking about the new collection of Gillette Labs official NFL licensed razors, featuring the team colors and logos of 12 NFL franchises.

These razors are a must-have for fans that want to experience the confidence and pride of game day every day.

With Gillette's best blades and flex disc technology, Gillette Labs lasts 50% longer on average compared to Fusion 5.

So get it while you can, online or at a retailer near you.

Gillette's best shave is now the best a fan can get.

Gillette Labs, also available in Heated.

Gillette is a paid partner of the New Heights podcast.

Audival's romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you.

When it comes to what kind of romance you're into, you don't have to choose just one.

Fancy a dalliance with a duke or maybe a steamy billionaire.

You could find a book boyfriend in the city and another one tearing it up on the hockey field.

And if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm.

Discover modern rom-coms from authors like Lily Chu and Allie Hazelwood, the latest romanticy series from Sarah J.

Mas and Rebecca Yaros, plus regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander.

And of course, all the really steamy stuff.

Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com slash wondery.

That's audible.com/slash wondery.

Do you experience excessive bouts of money stress?

Do you avoid your bank balance like it's a text from an ex?

Do you feel guilt and second guessing about your spending?

If you answered yes, you may be suffering from financial funk.

YNAB, spelled YNAB, is a life-changing app designed to cure financial funk with a simple method that offers total control of your money.

The average YNAB user reports saving close to $600 in their first month and $6,000 in their first year.

Side effects may include less financial stress, getting better sleep, and eliminating arguments about money.

Warning: using YNAB may be habit forming.

Before starting, ask your wallet if adding more joy to every day and every dollar is right for you.

Wondery listeners can claim a one-month free trial with no credit card required at www.ynab.com.

Make sure to select podcasts in the sign-up survey so they know we sent you.

Life is short.

Spend it well with YNAB.

So, this is like the slowest, ricketiest, most unpredictable elevator.

And I'm just standing there waiting, and hoping, and praying, doing the I'm gonna shit my pants dance.

Yeah, yeah, oh, oh, I'm getting chills.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought about walking up the stairs, which is like five flights of stairs.

No way.

Anyway, the elevator comes.

I get in the elevator, and before I can get to my floor, the fifth floor, it's like turning on a garden hose.

I know you're going to ask about size and consistency.

It just like ran down my leg, it gets in my shoe, and then it ends up in like a perfectly round puddle on the floor of the elevator.

Oh, cute.

Hold on a second.

So you got a lot of work on your plate now because you're going to have to like somehow get the elevator to stay in position while you go inside to get some stuff to clean it and you're covered.

What a logistical fucking nightmare.

I have a lot of decisions to make because, first of all, thank God there was nobody waiting for the elevator when the door opened.

I don't know what exactly to do.

I'm an upstanding citizen, I like to think.

I'm not just going to shit in my own elevator and then like not clean it up, but I have to like finish shitting.

I'm like, do I do that first?

Do I try and...

clean the elevator first.

It's kind of a riddle.

It's one of these, you've got a chicken, a fox, and a bag of grain, and you got to cross the river.

Cross the river and go back and make only these two can go together.

Even if I do go clean, how would that even work?

Do I have to like crop open the elevator?

I don't have like a janitorial bucket for supplies or anything.

So I just run back to my apartment and just finish.

Yes, that's wise.

I feel great.

And I turn on the shower.

I kind of wash myself off.

I change my pants.

Flip on the TV.

Crack Crack a beer.

Call my mom.

And then I like grabbed some paper towels and some Windex or some shit.

That was like all I had.

And I run back to the elevator.

I get in the elevator and it's already cleaned up.

Oh, no.

I'm confused, but I'm just like, all right, fuck it.

So I went back to work.

So I run back across the street.

I get back there and Leah, my friend who is also the manager, is fucking pissed.

She's like, where the hell were you?

And I'm like, Leah, I'm wearing different pants.

Great.

That's an elegant way to say it.

Then I finish my shift.

I kind of forgot about the whole thing.

Yeah, good night, tips, more shots.

Yeah.

Some fish.

And then I get home and it's like, you know, 1:30, 2 in the morning.

I get in the elevator and there's a sign in the elevator.

handwritten by Jason that says, whoever shit in this elevator is fucking out of here with like 14 explanation points.

Oh, boy.

I didn't really know what to do.

I lived in the building for four more years after that, just like harboring this secret, perpetually afraid that I was like going to get evicted if he found out.

So that's the story.

And I guess my confession.

So Jason, if you're listening, I'm really sorry, dude.

It was an accident.

He thinks someone did it.

Fuck you.

Yes.

It was like an act of terror or something.

And you're lucky, too, there wasn't any shit shoe prints walking to your apartment.

I got lucky in a multitude of ways.

There were no witnesses.

There were no residents coming in and out of the elevator.

You had two options.

I think you chose right, which is the other one would have been to buy his favorite bottle of whiskey and come over and been like, hey, man, I'm the worst.

I'm so sorry.

I know it must have been terrible to clean.

I came back to clean it up.

You got to know that would have been your only other option.

But you did what everyone would do.

It's not too late to track him down and get him a nice Shivis Regal or something, you know.

Hopefully, he hears this.

He's such a good time, Charlie.

I hope he's still alive.

To be honest, it sounds like he was burning the candle at both ends.

I know for a fact he's still alive.

Okay, good, good, good, good.

I saw him the last time I was in Omon.

Of course, I was thinking about this the whole time I was talking.

This is good.

You finally get to release this.

Yeah.

Unbirth yourself.

Well, Tony, thank you.

That was great.

I don't know what my spontaneous road trips would be without your podcast.

So thank you guys so much.

Oh, thank you.

So nice.

It was so nice to chat with you.

Yeah.

Have a great rest of your trip.

It was a pleasure.

All right.

Take care.

Bye.

God, our bodies will really become

our worst enemies.

You know, your brain is a hostile place.

It's not a safe place, your brain.

And your body can attack you.

I know.

Our biggest enemy really is ourselves.

it always is hi hi nicole hi dax and monica how are you what pretty wallpaper behind you i love the delicate little blue flowers on the vines and there's birds in it

there are birds

did you apply that to the wall or it came with the residence i did it myself oh god where are you currently i'm on vancouver island i would say we've had a disproportionate amount of folks from vancouver island considering how sparsely populated it is.

It is pretty sparsely populated and I'm from like a super rural town.

Were you anywhere near Pamela Anderson?

Did she live there for a minute?

Yeah, she's probably like three or four hours from me and she still has a house here.

She lives in a small town too and the locals see her all the time.

So I'm just hoping casually I'll run into her at some point.

So how big is Vancouver Island that you can drive three hours on it?

So I'm at the Bori northern tip and then for me to get to the southern tip, which would be Victoria, takes anywhere between like six and seven hours, depending.

Wow.

Wow, it's

huge.

Yeah, it's pretty large.

I'm going to look at a map after this conversation.

Yeah.

I'm pretty interested.

Okay, and is this where you had your unauthorized evacuation?

No, I had it in Vancouver.

Oh, okay.

Out on the town?

Well, I was at my house on a date.

Oh.

Oh, wonderful.

Take us through slowly and tell us all the detes.

Oh, I will.

Oh, I'm going to stop you just for half a second because we had a gal on a minute ago who had shit herself on the seventh grade school bus.

And I said that has to be the number one worst, excluding shitting yourself in front of your crush while getting intimate.

So that's crazy I said that.

And it sounds like this might be heading there.

It might be heading there.

A little foreshadowing.

Yes.

So year's 2013.

I'm around 24 years old at the time.

I was living with a roommate who had a little boy, cutest little guy.

He was around three years old.

The week previous to this date, they had come down with the plague.

So she said, probably don't stay at home

this week.

And I was like, that's a solid, I'm going to go stay with a friend.

So I stayed with a friend for that week.

And then I got back to the house.

I'm like, it should be fine by now.

And I have been casually seeing this guy for maybe a month.

We've gone in like two dates to a restaurant.

And he said, hey, do you want to watch a movie tonight?

And I said, yeah, that would be amazing.

And I'm pretty nervous.

I'm an anxious girly.

I don't have a living room.

I only have my bedroom.

Okay.

He was like, let's watch a movie, but at your house.

In your bed.

At my house.

And can I just ask, on the previous two dates, was there any physical activity?

Absolutely none.

Okay.

Great.

So come watch a movie in my bed.

It sounds like you must have been expecting there would be some intimacy that evening.

I wasn't sure.

I think I was maybe hoping that could happen, but also we hadn't hugged yet.

So I was kind of just hoping for hand holding.

Okay.

Wow.

But you know handholding is actually the most intimate thing you can do.

More than anal.

According to Monica.

That's a well-known fact.

Pretty sure he definitely wouldn't want to do that after this happened.

He comes over.

I'm so nervous.

We go into my room.

He's brought takeout and beer.

So nice.

Oh, this is so fun.

I want to do this.

So he likes to eat food in bed.

Some people don't like doing that.

Oh, I do.

I do too, but some people are really against it.

I don't love it, but I didn't have a kitchen.

I didn't have a living room.

It was my only option.

So we sit in bed, we turn the lights off, we start this movie.

So the only light in the room is coming from the television.

He is like starting to reach across the bed.

to hold my hand.

We haven't cracked out the food yet and I get nervous and I immediately go and grab a beer instead and crack it.

Oh, okay.

So I take a sip of my beer and I just put it down in my lap and I want it to be cozy.

So I'm in like really light colored sweatpants.

I start feeling my leg and it feels wet.

Oh, wow.

And I'm like, I wonder if I spilled my beer.

I'm trying to be really discreet about it.

He's still trying to make a move on me and I'm feeling my leg and it's progressed to my ankle.

Oh my God.

You are not feeling anything.

I feel nothing.

I don't feel sick.

I feel totally fine.

This is scary.

Yeah.

I'm like, I must have spilled my beer.

There must be a hole in this bottle somehow.

I have no idea what's happened.

So I try to do like a little stiff test.

Sure, sure.

See if it's beer.

Just to make sure.

And I immediately am hit with ache.

Sulfur.

Yeah.

And now you've released it.

I would be dealing with so many things at that moment.

There's not just a shit in your pants, but it's like, what the

fuck?

Yeah, what's happening?

Feel bad.

I'm covered.

Like, I would almost feel like someone shit my pants.

I think I would say he did it.

He shit.

And it got in my pants.

I mean, wow, this is so confusing.

I panic and I'm like, hey, I'm just going to run to the bathroom for a hot second.

And as I'm leaving, the movie gets bright.

Oh,

I look at the bed and it is bright orange.

Oh, man.

What has happened here?

It's one of those oil diarrhea.

Like the blockbuster.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Had you had those sugar-free gummy bears that day?

I wish I read those reviews when I'm having a bathy desert.

The bad

heavens or Mercatroy.

Did you consider just knocking over the beer?

I think I would have knocked over the beer on purpose accident so that, like, it's just a big mess.

That would be like, oh, we got to get up and out of here.

That would be the best move you could make, but also you're assuming you're in your frontal lobe at that moment.

I'm just saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I agree.

That would be great.

And hopefully it would mask some of the smell.

Exactly.

I would have even picked up the thing of pad tie and just poured it on my lap i'm so clumsy all right i guess this day's over see ya see your way out i should have probably thought of that but i was clenching and running

for the bathroom and this bathroom i don't know who decided to paint it this way but it was checkered black and white and red floor to ceiling.

Oh, it is everywhere.

It's like a circus nightmare.

So I am in there.

I i don't know which end to put in first because now full body sweats have fully hit me i am soaking wet and i need to vomit oh no

oh yeah because now we remember it's you've got the flu

yeah yeah i've got something bad i don't know what to do so i sit down and i just unleash And then I start vomiting all over myself,

all over the floor.

Oh, Nicole.

This is so bad.

i feel like i've kind of let it all out the bowel end so i just turn it around i stick the head in the toilet the little bit of beer i had it's gone and i

spray the wall

with feces

oh

because you're now on your knees throwing up yeah and the projectile that's coming out of me has forced it and it's such a small bathroom it's really gone everywhere and there's no shower in here What?

It's like I glitter bombed the entire bathroom.

The checker print has just given me the spins.

I curl up on the floor.

This is it.

I don't know how much time has passed.

And I haven't heard the door open and close to the unit.

So I am assuming that let's call him Sam is still in my bedroom.

There's no way he doesn't know.

I hear footsteps.

He knocks on the door and he's like, hey, I feel like you're not doing okay in there, Nicole.

It's the dialogue in these situations is probably the best.

I'm like, yeah, Sam.

I've had better days.

Everyone's trying to be so polite.

Are you crying?

Oh, I'm crying.

I am completely covered.

My clothes are destroyed.

I am destroyed.

And he's like, I'm going to go.

I'm like, good idea.

So I hear him leave and I'm like, thank goodness, I can just kind of die on the floor.

I can't even leave this bathroom because I am so covered.

If I I start walking to my bedroom, I'm just going to make a trail.

The upstairs is my roommate/slash/co-worker, and she's got dogs and a kid, and all this stuff.

And she had just left the house.

I was texting her, Can you come back and bring me some clothes?

And then I hear the door open and close again, and I'm like, Oh my god, she's home.

I'm like, Hey, is that you?

She's like, No, I'm like half an hour away.

Knock on the door.

There's Sam.

And he said, Hey, I've left a bag of stuff outside the door.

I'm gonna go, and then I really hope you feel better.

Inside the bag was a 10 pack of granny panties.

Oh, he went out to the store.

Oh my care package.

He got me two towels

and some new sweatpants and a shirt.

Oh, what a sweet horse.

Are you married to him now?

So here's the thing.

I couldn't come back from that.

Neither could he.

Okay.

Okay, so we did the right thing, but also no was gonna try you just yeah you'll have to let it go at that point oh man

monica i know you want the happy ending and the meet cute yeah when i met my now husband

it was early on in dating i trusted a fart i the couch

wow yeah wow even after i like nicole you're wild i like it oh my gosh wow

oh this is really like shame on me shame on you situation well you know some people have that condition.

It's like they don't trust anyone loves them.

So they come up with a crazy test and they're like, well, if they love me through this, I think maybe that's simmering in your subconscious.

Or maybe I just wanted to see, is this guy as good as that one guy?

Interesting test.

Will anyone ever live up to Sam?

My husband, the gem that he is, he said, you know what?

Don't even look back.

Go straight to the bathroom.

I got this.

He disinfected, cleaned the couch.

I got to say, Kristen and I had this moment.

We were only dating for like, I think, a couple months, and we went to do this movie together and we're living in an apartment together.

And both of us got this insane virus.

One bathroom.

And yet, she was in there both ends.

And I came in and gave her a bucket and the whole night, and we just were in it all of a sudden.

That's a threshold you cross.

It is.

I had a baby at the time, too.

So we were in deep.

Oh, man.

I hope Sam found a nice woman.

He did.

He's a good guy.

He can take care of.

Good guys find blood.

wow that's harrowing you are a survivor i had so many unauthorized evacuation stories it's hard to pick yeah do you think you have ibs no i think i just get illnesses or stress tummy like before this i was worried i was going to have one on the call with you honestly

we're hoping for that to happen at some point or real time i know my sister texts me she's like hey like make sure you go and do all the things you need to do but right before the call

it doesn't sound like any of these situations you had any inkling that was coming.

Yeah, no, that one hit like a freight train.

I had no idea.

It was so fast.

And it's interesting you didn't feel it coming out of your butt.

That part is interesting to me.

I've never had that happen since.

Thank goodness.

That was like a complete shocker to me.

Oh, wow.

I'm sorry that happened.

Yeah.

That's great.

Thank you.

What brought me to you guys?

Well, we wish you well and we wish you some prolonged abstinence from unauthorized evacuations.

Yeah.

So does my husband.

Yeah.

Okay.

Take care.

Bye.

I love you.

That's we have a lot to be grateful for.

It's always a gratitude-inducing

and a cautionary tale.

But some of these aren't cautionary.

Well, they are cautionary.

It's like your butt can leak.

I know, but when there's no

warning, ever go on dates.

Yeah.

Never leave your toilet.

I guess that's the cautionary tale.

Ooh-ee.

All right.

All right.

Love you.

Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

We have a theme song.

oh

okay great

we don't have a

song for this new show so here i go go go

we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our jerry's we'll get some suggestions

on the flyer rhyme dish

on the flyer rhyme dish enjoy

Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com/slash survey.