Mom's Car: Erick Richardson

Hello and welcome to Mom's Car.

Today Aaron and I have our mutual friend Eric Richardson on.

Eric and I met maybe 12 years ago and I hated him at first and then I fell deeply in love with him because he might be the most honest man in America.

He's funny and so sweet and so generous and so kind and absolutely crazy.

Please enjoy Mom's Car.

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Are you on a roll, Eric, right now in the stock market?

The stock market's down a lot the last few days, so I don't know if I'm on a roll.

Okay, let's do a quick intro of Eric Richardson.

Anyone who listens to Armchair hears Eric talked about.

Would you agree?

Probably you're the most talked about non-employee of the show.

Yeah, I guess we talk about a lot of stuff.

Yes, you come up non-stop.

You are

an ex-lawyer with maybe the most improbable route to being a partner in the law firm.

It's one of my favorite stories, really.

Here we are.

Oh, we are.

We're right here.

What's the name of it?

Oh, sure.

Hollywood Wraps and Grills.

So just so you know, protocols, Aaron runs in.

And gets it.

And I deliver the food.

So we split the duties evenly.

You were unlikely to go to law school, yeah?

No, I was unlikely to go to law school because I graduated 646.

I had a 648 at Westlake High School at the bottom of my class.

I was the third worst.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I had a D minus average.

Oh, my God.

They let you graduate with that?

I think they wanted to make people graduate.

I mean, you really only need a D in a class.

What were you telling yourself while you were getting those grades?

Like, well, fuck it.

I don't care.

Cause you had a moving business.

You just think you were going to cobble together a living.

I thought I was going to be an entrepreneur or something.

And then I kind of realized reality at some point.

Well, in high school, I think I'm like, I'm fucked.

It doesn't really matter if you've got a C average or a D average or a B average.

Right.

You're either doing good or who cares.

Yeah, or who gives a shit.

Well, how long out of high school before you decided to go to college?

I went right after.

I guess I figured out I didn't have anything else to do.

And then I was getting bad grades my first semester in junior college.

That's when I got stuck out on the catamaran.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

I was out there and I was talking to God and I said, if you let me out of this, I will do something with my life if I can get saved.

So, then when you returned ashore, what did that mean, actually studying really hard?

Yeah, I just started applying myself and started studying.

And because I was kind of like, I've been a piece of shit my whole life.

Did you have a story that you couldn't do good in school, and then all of a sudden you just started studying you couldn't do good in school?

Like, did you have a story of why you didn't do good in school, or is it just that you didn't care?

That's a good question.

I don't know.

I think I like being the class clown and getting dead baby pigs and throwing them over the quad and you know, being that guy, right?

But yes, I just started applying myself.

And and then you go from junior college to what college then i went to usc that feels hard out of junior college you once i had a really good grade point well that's what you did yeah yeah yeah well and i always say it like i got into patting myself on the back i do think it's hard i got into ucla too but my dad oh you did uh-huh oh my god eric you kept that in your vest but i was doing business and my dad was going to pay for it and it's a million times cheaper than usc yeah but he said you got to go there for the business connections the networking.

But that's true.

It did kind of end up being true because after I went to law school, I didn't have good grades in law school, but I went to an interview at a law firm in Westwood.

And the partner there at the time was like, well, you don't have great grades when you just worked at this small plaintiff's law firm for a couple of years, but you went to USC.

So I'm the big Trojan.

So I'm going to give you a shot.

Wow.

So that did make a big difference.

This is the guy you ended up buying the firm off of?

Yeah.

Oh, that makes a little more sense.

I I don't think I knew the USC part.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So then you bought this guy out of his firm eventually, right?

He wanted to retire.

Well, unfortunately, he got cancer and died two years after I started.

So, and it was really.

And he was a sweetheart, right?

He was like a mentor.

Yeah.

He had four kids.

He was probably 46 or something.

He was young.

Can you imagine giving someone, what were you, 24 when you came out of law school?

Giving some kid who was shit great.

So I know.

A chance.

It's very sweet.

Then he became rich.

How long did it take?

A couple years.

It was funny because nobody else at that law firm wanted to buy the firm from him.

How many attorneys were there?

There was like six or seven, I think, at the time.

And he taught me a way to make money as an attorney.

Not a lot of people did, but he would take stock in companies as part of his

fee.

Compensation.

So I kept doing that.

And then we ended up growing it to like, I don't know, 30 attorneys.

30 attorneys.

It's hard to imagine you managing 30 employees.

Yeah, I was definitely not a good manager.

i had a partner named nimish who kind of managed the day-to-day stuff because you know i still had a drug problem at the time right right you what's the time frame from like starting there until you're taking a million dollar audio with molly

very quickly right yeah it was like four or five years four or five years and how steady was it like what were you making

first year when i first got hired he paid me like 60 grand a year okay so year one 60 grand then it probably doubled We're learning his lawyer history.

Yeah.

I hope you read on camera as how improbable this story is.

It's like when you hear a story about Aaron and I, and you're like, wait, are you guys bad people?

Yeah.

I don't see how you made it out of Detroit.

Okay, so 60 grand the first year.

I kept doubling probably for a couple years.

Okay, so 120, then 240 by year three.

And then by year five, I was making millions?

Yeah.

Like five million a year?

In a good year.

I'm kind of reverse engineering because I know the stories from this era and how you were living, like buying a 4 GT, buying a Ferrari, running from the police, lawyers, three-month honeymoon.

You have to have a lot of money to do that.

Well, and I think what we did is we got lucky on a couple, that was before 2008.

So it was like 2005, 2006, 2007.

The stock market was cranking and we represented a lot of small companies and we take stock in them and some of them just did really well in that time period.

Do you remember your biggest payout?

No, I'd be guessing.

Were you embarrassed to say it or because you know numbers?

This is a good story.

It's a loser with a D minus grade point average graduating who figured it out.

This is like as good as it gets.

This is like a Manhattan in the 1930s story.

Yeah, don't be embarrassed.

Well, yeah.

It's just becoming an attorney, though.

It's not like I became a, you know,

surgeon.

It's not like I started one of the biggest podcasts.

Oh, come on now.

Come on now.

You're not being a thug from Detroit.

No, I think it's more impressive what you did.

All right, so you're not going to tell me how much money you've been.

But it was millions of dollars a year.

And easy come, easy go, right?

You really had no problem just spending the shit out of it.

Or did you wrestle with, I should be saving it, or did it just seem like endless?

Like, I've got a formula, and this is going to work forever.

It did seem a little bit, because I was young still.

I was in my early 30s or not even 30.

And it seemed like imagine early 30s, baby.

Like, whatever number you want, Bellis.

It's big.

It's a big number.

And being a drug addict.

Yeah, that's where I do.

Like, if you you would have just been able to buy drugs without giving a flying fuck, it would be immaterial what any of the drugs cost.

Yeah, I was too scared to buy them directly from anybody, though.

So I had one of the attorneys who work for me.

Yeah.

You had a lot of intermediaries.

Intermediaries, like three intermediaries.

Oh, baby.

The dream.

Other than laziness or fear of going to jail.

Fear of talking to a drug dealer.

Because you get like this barred for that, probably.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, fear of losing the

fear of shuns.

Fear of knives.

I did get my felony evading arrest during that time.

So that's interesting.

Eric, because I'll speak for me, but I'm pretty certain it's the same for Aaron.

The danger of it was part of the fuel for it.

Because I think both of us were endlessly trying to prove we were fearless so you'd be afraid of us and not hurt us.

And the notion of just walking into a neighborhood in downtown Detroit and finding crack and finding a pipe and the whole nine was weirdly part of the narrative we were crafting that we were like

fearless.

Sexy.

I don't know.

Did you feel that way?

I liked it as much as the drugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's scary.

Everyone's got a gun that you're talking to.

They're all young dudes.

And you got to be a little cocky.

You can't go down there and be terrified or they'll just take your money.

So this whole bravado you got to have, but not too much where they then just kick your ass or kill you because you deserve it.

Like joking with them right away was part of the appeal for me.

And I loved having like a bag of Coke in my pocket and being at a business meeting with a bunch of lawyers.

When I was young like that, it seemed funny.

It doesn't really seem funny anymore now that I got family and whatnot, but it seemed like so ridiculous that I had this whole dark side.

Yeah, because you're always telling a story about yourself in your head, right?

You're like, oh yeah, they don't know.

Like I'm a bad boy.

Yeah.

I'm going to be an attorney, but I'm crazy.

I'm crazy.

But I shit my pants once a week in meetings.

I had my 30-pair of underwear in my cabinet that my secretary would buy me monthly.

Yeah, and you were really good at surrounding yourself with like moms, right?

A lot of moms that worked for you,

even if they weren't real moms.

They were very nurturing.

Everyone wants to nurture you.

I want to nurture you.

You definitely have that attractive quality where you want to take care of Eric and nurture him.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I guess that's probably why Molly married me too.

You notice a trend with Dax and his friends?

This guy's been nurturing me for a fucking long time, man.

This is no wonder I wanted kids.

I was trying to have them since 12 years old.

When I met you, you'd already sold the firm.

Yeah.

You know, in 2008,

with the great financial crisis, it became less lucrative to be an attorney.

And that's when I got a really bad drug problem is because then I was financially stressed out.

Right.

For like 2008, 2009, 2010, my second time at rehab was about 2012, I think.

Oh, wow.

It's been 13 years now since we met.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

So you sold it because you were like, I can't be sober and have this.

You fucking hated it.

Yeah, I hated it.

First of all, it was all hourly.

And I'm just not a good manager of people.

You kind of got to be a dick to be a good manager.

I'm just not very good at telling people what to do.

I brought in a lot of clients.

So you have to have a good personality and you have to be on.

And so the way I would get on was finally I would figure out if I snorted a bunch of Riddle in, I would have a lot of energy and be able to talk intensely.

I want to be on the other side of that business meeting.

Have you ever thought about going public?

We get to be public in nine days.

Yes, I'll take 12% equity, but you will be flying.

Yeah, I was that type of attorney.

One of my ways of getting clients is I would, twice a year, I would send a letter to every public company in the United States.

So I'd send like, I don't know, 6,000 letters out.

Oh, my goodness.

And I'd say, I'm your attorney.

These are the rates.

I'm your attorney.

You need to change your rates.

So I kind of did have that high.

And of the 6,000 submissions, what was the conversion rate?

If I got six clients or five clients, it would be great.

But that's great.

Yeah,

yeah.

Boy, you really could do the work.

At least when I was doing it, there's no securities firm who would lower themselves to such a degree to send out letters to CEOs to get them as clients.

But you were laughing all the way to a three-month honeymoon.

I mean, even my partner Nimish at the time, he's like, you sure you want to do this?

Felt desperate.

Yeah.

I'm like, yeah, the more clients we get, the better.

Don't take offense to this.

You would have been an incredible personal injuries attorney, but you landed in securities.

Right, which everybody's super conservative.

So I was the guy that's like, I'm just going to go over the top.

Yeah.

And then I annoy a lot of people, but a lot of people love me.

Did you take the three-month honeymoon when you were still part of the firm?

Yeah, so your partner was like, okay, cool.

Maybe they're happy to get rid of me, but you do something like that.

I think if you plan it way ahead, I'm going to be gone for three months.

So let's figure this out.

And I probably didn't take a salary or something.

I probably made it fair.

Okay.

Now, the other fascinating thing about you that I always tell people, and in fact, if I'm telling a story about you and I've not seen that they're registering Eric, I always go, my friend with the tortoises.

I go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I i don't ever make it through a description of you without explaining how you came to own 11 giant tortoises it's only six now now we're down to six but it was started at 11 right i think it started at like 10 and four of them have passed their fight is over their fight is over their bel air fight is over

just tell everyone why you got

those tortoises.

We had moved into our house and we had some area at the bottom of the hill and a tortoise guy somehow got in contact with me.

I don't even remember how I found him.

You were using drugs.

I was using drugs, and that's why I ended up with 10 of them because I wouldn't have done that, nor would I have landscaped my entire backyard, an acre of it, and put in trees and a little vineyard.

This to describe your property, if someone blindfolded you and took you to this property and took the blindfold out, just like, guess whose house this is?

You'd go, Walt Disney's.

Right.

It feels like you've made Epcot or something.

That's how I tried to do it.

Was like different areas had different feelings.

Like there's that rainforest area and there's like the avocado area.

It's like this.

Walking from zone to zone.

But so this guy comes over to the house and he's like, hey man, I got these tortoises.

They're rare.

They're rare and they go.

They're rare and they go.

I thought you were going to say that.

They're ready for ownership.

I can't wait.

They were endangered, I think.

I'm like, well, these are cool.

I don't know.

They were about as big as your hand, maybe a little bit bigger than your hand.

And he said,

if you take 10 of them, I'll give them to you for $1,200 each.

And he wanted like $2,000 each or something.

And then he said, and if you buy them, when they start having babies, I'll pay you $1,000 for each baby.

Right.

And so I'm thinking, well, I can maybe have kind of a tortoise farm and have these tortoises and then sell the babies.

Now, can I ask a dumb question?

Weren't all 10 of these from the same litter?

I don't think so.

Demixed and matted.

Yeah.

Because how are they going to breed if they're all siblings?

Right.

I think they were, I don't know, we didn't get into that.

And you're always trying to get it.

I think I just got excited about the idea of a tortoise farm.

So I bought it.

And they lay a lot of eggs, right?

Each turtle could be dumping 10 eggs

for a grand a pop.

Yeah, I think they may only have like four eggs each.

A lifetime.

The problem is, the major problem became, and I only learned this after I bought the tortoises, but they don't start breeding until they're 30 years old.

Oh,

so that became kind of a problem.

Yeah, that's a lot of maintenance.

Waiting around.

Yeah.

How many years ago did you buy these?

Some of them are 300 pounds.

More than 300, maybe like 350 for the bigger ones.

Bought them in 2008.

They're 17 years old.

17 years old.

They're not old enough to have babies yet.

Oh, my God.

13 years and you'll be fucking rolling in that.

If you keep them alive at this rate, you'll probably be down to a couple.

But I definitely have several hundred thousand dollars of these organs.

I mean, their food is $1,500 a month.

And you bought them because you had read that sailors used to stop by the Galapagos and put them in the boat so that they would have a thousand pounds of fresh meat in case they were shipwrecked.

Right.

They're not Galapagos tortoises though, because those are actually illegal to own.

Oh, okay.

They're called Aldabra tortoises and those are from the Seychelles.

But it's the same thing as the Seychelles are a group of islands that the sailors would go to and take these tortoises.

You can't really bring a cow on a boat.

So you would bring a tortoise and you'd have fresh meat.

Well you can bring a cow and then you'd have to bring another boat of hay behind it.

Right, right, right, right.

All right.

Like bales of hay.

A little tiny boat.

It's not the weight so much.

It's the area the hay takes up.

I love that your guys' humor.

It's always like, somehow you guys think of the most ridiculous thing possible.

And then you picture it in your head and it's really fun.

Well, I think that's our gift is we're picturing the same thing miraculously.

I think that's like what 35 years together.

This morning we were eating breakfast.

We have long had a product.

We've told you about it.

We want to have a product called Bob's Paper Towel and it's way thicker and stronger than normal paper towel and it's mostly for workmen to keep in their truck in case they have to pee.

You can just pee into the paper towel.

Super absorbent.

This is the same thing.

And then

we would wrap Dax's trash can and Big Brown.

We're driving.

We're like, if you only could wrap the trash can the pee in there, so you didn't have to pee in a bottle, you just pee right into the trash can.

Right.

Then we thought Bob's paper towel would absorb that.

Always would be real dehydrated, so the pee would stink and be real gold in color.

Yeah.

Like yellow motor oil coming out.

156, is this me?

Not yet.

Not yet.

Bob's paper towel evolved into Bob Roberts' paper towel today.

Bill Roberts.

Bill Roberts, sorry.

Bill Roberts' paper towel.

And then we were saying he stands by the product so much he puts his home address on every

roll of Bill Roberts paper towel.

And then we said, if I'm not available, please call my wife Linda.

And then it became Bill and Linda Roberts extra thick paper towel with their home address and their phone number.

Both of their phone numbers.

And why does it have their phone numbers on it?

In case you have any questions about the product.

They're so confident in the product.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like if you have any problem.

Yeah, here's our address and phone number.

Here's our address and phone number.

They know damn well sure no one's gonna call or stop by because the product's so fucking

tear through that paper towel.

And we were picturing the commercial is a man standing directly in front of the toilet, but for some reason he preferred peeing Phil and Linda Proverbs

dietric paper towel.

And then like six men at a urinal all peeing in paper towel.

We figured by the end you don't even need a sink in your house or plumbing at all, really.

Because you're peeing in there,

you're cleaning your plates off.

And

maybe you have like a half a carafe of coffee that's left over.

Just pour it on the Bob's paper towel and put it in the trash.

And then eventually you can remove your sink and have more space for Bill and Lynch.

Yeah, more counter space for paper towel storage.

Anyways, we were like

so hard inside this restaurant.

There's only one other woman inside, and she was young.

And I think I'm judgmental of young people sometimes.

It looked like she was emo and was upset just to be alive.

And then I thought she must be so annoyed with us laughing.

And we were leaning, she said, Oh my God, you two, thank you for all that laughter.

She said, I needed that this morning.

Yeah.

And I go, oh my God, our wives feel much differently.

It's so nice to hear that you liked us losing our shit in an empty restaurant.

Bill and Linda Roberts.

I'd love to know if she made any sense out of what we were talking about.

By the way, guys, this delivery was a fucking blessing.

We've been in the car for like a half a year.

Yeah.

So do we know if that number, that $16, is with tip or without tip?

Or have we figured that out yet?

It's with tip.

It's with tip.

That's with tip?

Yeah.

Yes.

I can't even explain that.

We might have to talk to ChatGPT.

We're in Sunland.

Like, this is where I get my cars worked on.

I mean, this is only like 20 minutes, right?

Yeah, pretty great.

Bill and Linda Roberts, paper tie, extra sick.

Extra absorbent, paper tie.

Everything.

You had Mike's hard coffee where you're.

Good memory.

You had to buy a barrel of it.

Yes.

50 Galen Drum.

You have to own a truck to buy Mike's coffee.

They don't want you to borrow a truck.

If you have to borrow a truck, you really shouldn't be drinking.

Yeah, you have to own a truck and have two friends.

And you get a 12% discount if it's a work truck,

and the coffee's not good, but it works the same as good coffee.

Yeah, is the slogan, yeah, doesn't taste great, no, but the caffeine is

because we were saying we hate having to go get coffee, running out of coffee is what this product really addresses, right?

This is the last coffee you'll ever buy,

so you got to store it outside, of course, because it's a 50-gallon drug.

It's a barrel of coffee, Make sure it's covered well during weather.

And over the years, there's going to be rust.

Then you got to climb in there after it's halfway done.

And we make no guarantee.

Everything is sold as is.

Yeah, you're on your own.

Myself.

You got to bring your own toaster or your own tie-downs.

Add your own tarp.

Oh!

By the way, we keep forgetting to do it, but we can put on there that I pick up liquor.

That's what we really want to do.

Oh, right.

Because we want to show up to a party.

Like a bunch of people waiting for all that booze, and then they're, of course, going to meet you at the door, unlike most people who just say leave at door.

No, they have to.

Liquor has to because you got an idea.

All right.

Well, someone in this business had a hankering for something all the way out in Los Felix.

Yeah, and they paid a tough dollar for a fucking sandwich.

Meet at the door.

Nobody gave a shit.

It wasn't like a famous restaurant you're like oh my god i gotta get no yeah there was uh it looked like they just opened

maybe it's his brother

so much what's quite going on there tattoo on his neck huh yeah wow yeah he went right for it that's going big you went big or went home yeah

okay i'm sorry are we guys in the middle of something oh no no no we're talking about your neck tattoo oh and he said well it's real big is it what kind

You said you went big, you went big, so yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's aggressive.

I feel like it should be bigger.

I can't see it.

I guess

perfect.

There's plenty big.

It's a perfect.

There's something about neck tattoos where

I don't know, subconsciously, you go, Oh, that guy could kill you.

Obviously, you're very nice, but if I random person, well, then when you ask them what it means, and you're like, Oh, this guy's cool, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, January 2nd, Capricorn.

That's wimpy, definitely cool.

Yeah.

Do you believe in astrology?

No.

Only so far as it makes me the same as my friend.

I just like the C in Capricorn, actually.

You can keep the rest of the word.

At that point, it's like a Disney tattoo.

Yeah, in escalation, I'm sure, right, neck is still before face.

When you meet someone with face tattoos, it's hard not to think like this person has nothing to lose.

They've decided I don't need to get hired.

I got a whole nother story going on.

Even I get a little scared.

But I do think these younger kids, you've got like post Malone, that guy seems super sweet.

He's like the sweetest, right?

And then Teddy Swims.

He's got all the face tattoos and he's a sweet boy.

I mean, I'm from West LA, so I never knew anybody with tattoos before I met you guys.

None of your friends in high school have tattoos.

And none of my friends I can think of in West LA have a tattoo.

Really?

Wow.

Because I also feel like it's something that 45-year-old dads are like, I always wanted one, and my son was going to get one.

So we decided to get these matching Tasmania devils.

Oh, always with the tasmania

everyone with the taz should we do a moral dumbfounding question with eric that feels fun because yeah yeah yeah eric has very well fuck i almost feel like eric should make one up but maybe you'll think of one because your pastime in social settings is to ask really hard questions you even ruined like a double date once yes with the which kid would you pick to die question yeah and everybody has an answer but most people won't answer them i know you say that everyone has an answer but i don't know that i do well i think what it does, and the question is, if you were in a creek, a dam broke, and both your kids were there, and you can only save one.

It's a tough one to answer.

And if answered, best to do privately.

Yeah, right.

Everybody has one in their head, but that's why it's fun to ask at a dinner party.

Well, you asked it, and it caused an actual fight between the man and wife.

Right.

You regretted that a little bit.

Yeah, my wife wasn't too happy.

Okay, this one's fun, what I perceive as fun.

This one's a good time.

Cannibalism consent.

A man volunteers to have a part of his body, his foot, amputated and then eaten by a willing participant.

Both parties consent and no one is harmed beyond what they agreed to.

Is this morally wrong?

Do you guys remember that 15 years ago when the internet was still semi-new where this woman, her fantasy was to be raped and killed by a man?

And then the man six dates over, they were communicating and they worked out this agreement.

And then he was en route to do do it and somehow he got arrested oh wow but people were like what's the rules there because there was consent the person wants to be murdered raped and murdered yeah i don't think you can rape and murder somebody no i mean

yeah yeah even with consent yeah that doesn't fall into the assisted suicide right i mean what's the line assisted suicide is still murder right in california is it still I know Oregon, it's not.

Everyone's been loosening their laws on that.

Why did the person want their foot eaten?

Just because?

Just because.

He likes the idea of something.

Yeah, they both like the idea.

One guy wants to eat a foot and the other guy wants to chop his foot off and let the guy eat it.

Also, it doesn't say the gender of the eater.

But we are all assuming that.

Of course we are, right?

There's something really wrong with us.

Yeah, I picture two men right away.

Two disgusting men.

One who gets off on having his foot eaten and the other guy.

The thought of eating someone's foot is fucking

insane.

Yeah, you couldn't pick a fucking if that question said like slice off a piece of your ass cheek Yeah, a foot though

Bony foot oh god and a man's foot Jesus Christ

that man's yellow callous gross toenails

a little barbecue sauce

you'd have to smoke it for sure to get that meat with little meats on their tender eyes

Stay tuned for more mom's car.

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking all state firsts.

You know, it reminds me of all those times when checking first really pays off, like that time I didn't check the weather before planning a backyard barbecue.

Rookie mistake.

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That makes me think of like another sort of similar moral question is could Bill Gates have a game show where he gave people like $20 million

to cut off their hand and everybody was consenting and their whole life was changed from cutting off the hand, it would make a good show.

I don't know about a good show, but people would watch the show.

It would make a hit show, but I don't know.

I guess I was thinking, is that illegal?

Nobody else is cutting off the hand.

The guy who's getting paid is cutting off his own hand and he's just getting paid for that.

I would love to watch that show.

Well, there's two questions, right?

There's, I guess there's a legal question.

Could you structure that arrangement in a way that's legal?

There's a moral question.

I'd say that morally it's wrong to want to see someone cut off their hand or foot and suffer because you have the means to make that a tempting situation.

That feels morally repugnant to me to desire that, no?

It does, but I'm sure there's some showrunner who would make the show if they can make money.

And like Aaron said, people would watch it.

So when we prepped cars together, which we did for 14 years, and I'm talking thousands and thousands and thousands of cars.

Like on every car show for the long lead show, we would ship like 120 cars to Wisconsin and we would prep all 120 every night and we would towel off all 120 every morning for like 12 days straight.

So just even in that week, we would prep 1,300 cars.

Wow.

16 hours a day, you're fucking prepping cars.

We're all teenagers or young 20s and you're bored out of your mind.

And we just play endless scenario games like this.

And one was how much to punch your mom in the face

as hard as you could.

Yeah.

Okay.

And it's mostly all guys that we worked with.

Yeah.

You know, we're going through everyone's answer.

My cousin was really cheap.

I was like, oh, it was a little bit telling, I think, of how you felt about

your mom.

You could share the money with your mom afterwards.

Well, okay, so initially I had said.

This is when you guys didn't have money.

We were broke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were working like 100 hours a week to make $1,000 a week.

Right, right, right, right.

And initially, I was like, I couldn't punch my mom in the face as hard as I could for any amount of money.

I just couldn't do it.

Even if I intellectually wanted to.

She would be mad at you because of that.

That's what I figured out later is like, at some point, if I told my mom, hey, you're going to be proud of me.

I turned down $10 million to punch you in the face.

She might go.

Well, fuck, I would way rather get punched in the face

than work for the next 20 years to make that amount of money and she might be mad at me yeah so then it became another layer was like do they know why you're doing it are they in on it yeah like

you had to keep it a secret at least all the way through the punching and then the ride to the hospital it's a secret it's a secret and then good news when she went yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

good news mom you're rich

now that's a show

yeah and we played these games every single scenario scenario you could think of.

There's an older guy we worked with.

His hygiene was really rough.

I was like, how much to eat his ass?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I asked my kids to get him.

Yeah, like, how much to kiss him?

Yeah, make out with him.

And you just discover really funny things.

Like, straight guys might prefer to blow him than to make out with him.

All right, like some counterintuitive

things would pop up.

Your dad?

Oh, no, but that always came in that way.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Of course.

No, just this guy we worked with who had bad hygiene.

Oh, got it.

Oh, I guess he's a good one.

He was way older than us.

Oh, yeah, so you'd rather

get how much to get butt-fucked by him, how much to butt fuck him, how much to blow him, how much to make out with him.

And sometimes you're like, wait a minute, it costs you way more to make out with him than to butt fuck him?

That's weird.

Huh, let's think about that.

Okay, so I'll go first with this foot thing.

This isn't very hard for me.

This is fine.

Same.

Like, I don't care if someone wants to cut their foot off and then another guy wants to eat it.

But you wouldn't be okay with that if the guy was getting paid to get get his foot cut off.

Because I think you're exploiting someone in a vulnerable situation.

I think anytime you're leveraging money over someone who's very desperate, morally that's wrong.

There's no like disenfranchised person in the story.

Let's say it's a well-to-do man.

He's not going to make any money off of getting his foot cut off.

He just likes the thought of somebody eating.

He loves that idea.

And then the guy wants to eat the foot.

He's not.

financially compromised at all either.

Yeah,

I guess it's morally okay.

Because if you you take your thing about Bill Gates, it's an easy argument for you to persuade yourself because you're saying $20 million and that's very life-changing, right?

Right.

But then take that to what was happening in real life on YouTube, which is like offering two bums $20 to fight each other and get hurt.

It's gruesome and terrible, and whatever asshole gave them $20 is a piece of shit.

I guess I was seeing it from the legality of it and the fact that it could be a successful show.

But morally, they would be bad.

First and foremost.

I mean,

you should be a TV executive.

That should be your third career.

Another question I'll ask parents who have a newly born baby, it's a black and white question where some parents say, oh, absolutely.

And some are like, why would you even ask that question?

Yeah.

But with the new baby in their arms, I asked, would you cut off their little toe for $10 million right now?

Would you just take it off with some prony shares or a knife?

And you have to do it yourself.

Oh, most people will do it for $10 million.

Really?

I would say 60% of the people will do it for $10 million.

And then 40% of the people think it's a horrible, horrible question.

I would absolutely say no, but I think I would have said yes.

What if at some point in my life?

Maybe $100 million is a better question, a better number, because then they're set forever.

They don't need to worry about money.

Well, you have to ask yourself when this kid turns 18 and I tell them, hey, guess what?

I had an opportunity to cut off your pinky toe and you'd have $100 million right now.

Aren't you glad I didn't cut off your pinky toe?

And if they go, why would you do that?

I guess that's what you're trying to imagine.

Right.

That they would be grateful you made that decision for them.

But what if they were Mark Zuckerberg and he's sitting around?

He's like, oh my God, my fucking parents cut my toe off.

I have $180 billion.

I didn't even need that money.

I could make my own money.

And they thought I was going to be such a loser, they cut my toe off.

When you have a toe cut off, you're going to adapt, but you're going to not be able to fucking do things.

I mean, that's a tough fucking question yeah i wouldn't be better off losing a pinky than a okay you could pick i would love to not have a toe for a hundred million dollars you'd be delighted to go just yeah or even right now what would you sell a toe for right now oh i'd sell a toe i mean the market's been horrible the last month very unstable we don't know what's happening with these tariffs and stuff i would cut off my little toe for 10 million Okay, I'd cut mine off for a million.

I'd probably do it for five.

I don't think you really need meager little toe.

And I admittedly am no fun to play this game with anymore until you discover you.

You hate me now.

Yeah.

Well, I don't hate you, but it does.

I understand your frustration.

But for me, it's like an emotional growth thing.

It's like, well, how much money do I need?

Why would I not do anything I don't want to do for more money?

I think where you can also get with the baby one is that we all know people who have a lot of money and they're unhappy.

So you may well be making your kid miserable by giving them $100 million or $50 million or whatever it is.

Yes.

Because you almost can't have them growing up knowing they have $100 million or they want to try to do anything.

For much of their life, they would just want to know why they don't have a toe.

And you'd probably have to say, you have a birth defect.

And they're like, that's a very clean birth defect.

You can see where the toe used to be.

And then at some age, you go, good news, you have a million dollars.

And then just keep doling it out.

Keep surprising them.

And then on their 30th birthday, actually, you have $10 million.

yeah you'd have to give them most of it later in life i guess but then they might be mad the way that you decided to split it up what if the trauma of you cutting the toe off with a knife or whatever what if they become a drug addict and then like you convince yourself that it was because of the trauma that yeah yeah you're the kid without a toe like everyone knows you don't have a toe but you subconsciously might remember the panic of having your toe cut off and actually i take that back i would not take a million for my toe right now my my one big pleasure in life is playing pickleball lately

right well i'm sure i could learn but i mean without a little toe almost i gotta adapt to not having a toe now yeah the miracle that i'm actually exercising yeah you might be better off with your fourth toe cut off right instead of your pinky toe for balance that is the sad part about money and we all grew up fucking craving money like crazy is I think a lot of people sadly are in a position that they would sell their legs.

And then you think, oh, I'm going to have money and I'll be happy.

But then you realize, like, oh, no, no, the only thing that makes you happy is playing pickleball.

It doesn't really matter how much money you have.

It's still the only activity that gives you any joy and you got rid of it for money.

Yeah, I was thinking for a billion dollars, would I make it so I just didn't taste anything for the rest of my life?

Like,

and then a toe so much.

No, it seems like I would, but then I'm like, well, then you wouldn't have anyone else's legs.

Story keeps going.

Well, the only ones that are available is like a small Asian woman's legs.

And you got to explain that every time you're on vacation.

But you're right.

What's the point of having money if you go on vacation?

The only thing you and I do on vacation is talk about what we're going to have for lunch.

Yeah, and drink Diet Coke because it tastes good.

Oh, yeah.

Can you just not giving a fuck that it was Diet Coke?

You just start drinking Diope all the time.

Yeah.

Like all the Diet Coke.

Oh, we only have Diet Pepsi.

It doesn't matter to me.

I don't even want to be alive if I don't care which one I'm getting.

Let's do a reader one.

Okay.

I couldn't even wait to tell Dax this morning.

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

This is from a listener, Jaleese.

Hi, Dax and Aaron.

One of many hilarious struggles I have faced as a mother, my 16-year-old son, who has a moderate intellectual disability, has decided that toilet paper just isn't cutting it anymore.

Instead, he's embraced a towel-only routine for his bathroom needs.

Here's the kicker.

After his unconventional wiping method, he meticulously hangs up the towel back on the rack as if nothing unusual happened.

The first wake-up call came when I reached for a towel to dry my face.

It was greeted by an unmistakable surprise.

Imagine my shock when I realized our towels were now an unwitting canvas for his new system.

The struggle has turned our home into a blend of frustration and unexpected comedy.

But don't worry, we have managed to save one towel and have it hidden away for guests when they visit.

Help.

Sincerely.

We're going to have a solution to this.

And she signs it.

Sincerely, just a mom trying to avoid pink eye, Jalen.

You know what I like about it immediately is like people are so delicate around situations.

Yeah.

But when you have a kid who's moderately mentally impaired, you got no choice but to just think it's funny.

Right.

Yes.

Right.

That's what I kind of like about it.

You imagine this life where you're dealing with this thing and then you'd be sad all the time and feel bad.

Life boogies on and you're like, oh, fucking Mike.

Guess what his new thing is?

He's wiping his ass with a towel.

And I think maybe this is how our Bill and Linda Roberts paper towel story started back up this morning.

Right.

Because we were talking about this.

Like,

what he really needs is a Bill and Bill Roberts.

Yeah.

Okay, we got one.

From a place we eat at all the time.

I know it.

For the women.

Are we going to answer the question for a reason?

He's going to grab the food and then we'll debate it.

We'll debate a solution.

Because we'll have an answer.

Yes, she needs to.

Oh, great.

She needs a lot of help.

If you do have three phones going at the same time, you'd accept one while you're driving.

You might be able to get it down pretty well.

I think that's why sometimes it's really late.

They're juggling like six or seven maps.

Okay, so the sun is wiping with towels.

Yeah.

Okay, Eric, you said you already have a

it's probably okay, but you just have to have some rules around it where you can only use this towel on the rack in the bathroom.

So it's not all the towels.

You just always have a shitty towel.

You just always have a shit towel.

Oh my God.

This is about as embarrassing as I've done it when I order from five guys at Ryan's house, which is directly across the street.

And I'm expecting the delivery guy to go, you lazy motherfucker.

God, are you fucking lazy?

Yeah, this was like 1,200 feet.

Truly, yeah, less than a quarter mile.

He's shooting you some messages there.

Oh, he's already got some messages.

He's got a gate code, it looked like.

Okay.

Gosh, this guy must be important.

Apartment number, gate code.

Great.

I would say, Eric, this is the hardest part of the job: is like once you get on the scene trying to find their fucking apartment.

Okay, hold the conversation for a second.

Okay, okay.

Maybe he parked in front of their garage door.

In there?

In that garage door.

Okay.

Okay, let me just drop this off.

I'll be right back.

Let me go deliver this first.

Oh, the bastards.

That ended up taking a minute.

Did you guys already solve it?

No, I'm not.

Okay, you paused it.

I'm reading a lot between the lines, but it sounds a bit like he's very specific.

Like he wants to use every towel.

Right.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm trying to read between the lines of like, what parameters could you put that are going to work with his disposition?

Could you say that's your shit towel?

And it's only one toilet.

I was more thinking, start real small.

Like, well, first of all, I think you guys got to roll with whatever's happening with this kid, right?

Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, I don't know if you're going to win.

People used to watch diapers.

I mean, this is like similar.

I'm guessing if she used one on her face, I'm guessing there's one bathroom.

True.

And a tan towels.

She wouldn't have used like a full body towel to wipe her face off after she washed her face, right?

My thought was, would it be okay for her to say to him, carry on, keep wiping, enjoy.

Just you gotta leave them on the ground or a little hamper for his poop towels, right?

A poop tow hamper.

Yeah, yeah.

And those could go in a separate wash than the regular clothes.

So you weren't washing them.

Well, that's an interesting thought.

Do you think they need to be washed separately?

I mean, I guess poop have to.

Um,

I think, okay, I'm gonna tell you, our dog Dan was throwing up, so we're cleaning up his throw-up, and she goes, Just put that in the utility sink next to the washer because I already have poop underwear and poop poop everything soaking in there and I was like, ew.

What happened?

So I think people soak the poop.

No, I don't know.

No.

This happened.

Because there's a little kid.

Let's just be clear.

I mean, she showered herself in poop.

This is from a visiting child, right?

But you don't let it soak first.

You don't put a bunch of poop in the washer.

In the whites.

In with the whites.

Yeah, I guess I'm fine with that.

We all poop in our pants all the time.

Well, occasionally.

That's what I'm saying.

When I have an accident, I clean my underpanties out.

Yeah.

First in the toilet.

I guess I see it.

I dip them in and out of the toilet.

You just throw them right away.

That's probably most sanitary.

Do you ever do that?

You wash them in the toilet bowl itself?

Not when it's dirty.

Like you flush the toilet, you know, clean water.

Swish, swish, swish, and then into the sink, maybe.

And then I do a little sink, then in the hamper, and then I'm not too worried.

Right.

Yeah, I've only done the sink.

Okay.

It's good.

Yeah.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

I never really dealing with poopy underwear.

I knew underwear anyway, so all my underwear is 10 years old, so it's a good excuse to throw the underwear away.

That's interesting because you buy a lot of clothes.

I don't.

I've still got that Pangaya stuff we bought during COVID.

Yeah.

I buy a lot of shoes.

I guess maybe that's what I'm thinking of is you buy a lot of shoes.

And I guess that's true for myself as well.

Yeah, I need some clothes.

I've been riding the same clothes for a minute.

I had to have like a talk with myself last year where I was like,

you have some responsibility to have new clothes.

Like, you're on TV.

You can't just quit.

Because that's what I want to do.

It's just like, yeah, wear whatever I bought for the rest of my life until it wears off.

I just look at Kristen.

I'm like, look how much effort she puts into it.

It just felt lazy that I'm in the public eye and I'm making no effort to have good style.

Well, you've got the shirt Brad Pitt gave you.

Is that this?

Yeah, it's actually.

And you got a couple of those.

I do.

You bought me one for my birthday, which was so generous.

I mean, those are nice.

Incredibly nice.

And I like them.

What keeps me from buying clothes is I'm intimidated that I don't know what I like.

You know what I'm saying?

I want to get new stuff, but I'm not sure what I like.

Then I just have some brands that I trust, and then I just kind of buy whatever they sell.

Actually, Kristen's picked out a lot of my clothes because I'm like, well, if she says it is good, then it's good.

Yes, she's a very good fashioner.

Or Monica does too.

Ruthie's picked up.

I mean, I only have a couple pairs of pants, but she wants to always buy me more.

And I say, no, I have two.

Why would I need three?

Now, here's what I don't understand about you.

Why don't you wear Levi's?

Or do you?

I think that's the thing.

Because you have the legs and ass for Levi's.

I have been singularly working out for six years on my legs and ass in hopes I could wear Levi's and they look good.

I'm just finally there.

Because nothing's cooler than Levi's.

Why?

Because it's so many Levi's.

I think these are.

I mean, these look great.

I've not thought your pants aren't good.

She told me now these are too big.

I can't have skin tight.

No.

Also, I think that the trend went the other way.

I think my pants are too tight now.

Everyone's wearing enormous pants.

This is what's so crazy: when Aaron and I were in high school, we wore a size 53-inch pants.

Right.

We would go to Meyers and get these cheap blue jeans, cut the bottoms off, and you had a big belt and you wore 53-inch pants with three XL champion sweatshirts.

And I loved it, and I felt great in it.

And when this style came back, I was imagining myself in it, and I'm like, I don't have the confidence to.

It looks insane.

I can't do it.

It's just weird that I was able to do it, and now I'm not.

And now everyone, now Monica's punk rock.

Can we just post pictures of ourselves?

Put our old face on top of it.

What do you mean 53 pants?

53 pants.

53.

And they wouldn't stay on your belt.

No, you just belt them up.

Do you crunch them?

Fold them over and belt them.

That's all we wore from senior year to probably 20 years old.

And these shoes we called hobos, you got at Meyers as well.

Like a couple dollars.

Yeah, eight bucks for a pair of shoes.

I remember when I got to California, that was still my style.

People were like,

bro.

What's going on?

That's what all the teenagers, like Lily's friends, the boys have.

Like, their butt crack kind of hangs out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I should be like, oh, great, it's back.

Yeah.

I should have embraced it.

I'm slow.

I was two years late on wearing skinny jeans and then I wore them years longer than I should have.

But the reason I'm pitching Levi's is once you commit to Levi's, it's over.

This style has been cool since the 50s.

Right.

501.

Yeah, that's what I have.

Buttonfly.

Fit?

I'll tell you the ones I get.

Okay.

Yeah, but you're...

I would love a new pair of Levi's.

Your haunches might be a little too big.

And they're super reasonably priced, and you can't destroy them.

They're actually the best seats.

This episode was brought to you by Levi Straws and Company.

And Bill Rover's favorite.

Do you know the thing about why it's buttons and rivets?

No.

Do you know this, Eric?

I feel like you would know it.

Something to do with mining?

Yeah.

They wanted miners to be able to repair the pants while they were out in the field.

They were out mining with no women anywhere near, and they all had rivet guns so they could repair the pants themselves.

Yeah, are those 501 jeans?

They are, yeah.

And I can't get out of them.

I'm day 11 in these.

Eric, I love you.

Thanks for joining me.

Oh, I love you guys.

Thanks for having me.

Could have done this all day.

Oh, my God.

I know.

I wish this was kind of like a two-banger.

We could have done this forever.

Well, maybe you'll come on again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'll be popular demand, I'm sure.

Dex told me when I got sober, when I was trying to figure it out and be at home, when I stopped coming to LA as often, he's like, You have to find your Eric.

He's like, It's a necessity.

You have to find your Eric

in Detroit.

I think it's just baggage from being a kid in a class counsel.

It's like, even though in AA, I got to take it seriously, I still need to be in the back of the classroom a little bit.

I need one person I can be like, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we can talk about everything.

All right, love you.

Love you guys.

Iris.