Mom's Car: Nate Tuck

Hello and welcome to Mom's Car.

Oh, what a pleasure it is today to introduce you to Nate Tuck.

Maybe if you listen to Armchair Expert, you would have heard him tell an incredible rattlesnake story on Armchair Anonymous.

But Nate and I

have been friends from, I don't know, virtually since I moved to LA.

30 years.

We met in the Groundlings.

He's just the sweetest guy.

He produced the three movies that I've directed.

And I call him my creative soulmate.

It's not often that I get to hang hang out with my East Coast and West Coast best friend, but it was a blast.

Please enjoy Nate Tuck.

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Writing with three people in a car was standard biz from 16 to 22.

And then as you become an adult, you're never just cruising around Right.

With your buds.

Yeah.

You did so many years like this.

Yes.

It's just very nostalgic and very fun.

Nate, is this the longest you've had off work in five years, this 90 minutes you've committed to this?

I was so happy.

I had a huge meeting this morning with me.

He was on a meeting walking through the door here.

Always.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was on speaker phone.

Always.

Your Tombstone will say he was in a meeting.

Oh, man.

He died dude when he loved taking a meeting.

I walked in with my phone up to my mouth.

The door's open, and that's how weekly songs.

No, we didn't rent a 4K.

We rented a 10K.

13.5.

13.5.

13.5.

No one said 13.2.

You guys better hold the fort down for the next 90 minutes.

I bet everything's going to fucking fall apart all this shit in your absence.

You don't have the acceleration usually, do, big guy.

Oh, yes, I do.

This thing's got a lot of get up and going.

Oh, look at the ends, friend.

Yeah, the joke about this car is I was like, Kristen, let's get you something rad.

Like, let's get a fucking Escalade or something.

What did she say?

This is her car.

She loves it.

And I'm like, oh boy, but I have been driving it every day to school in the morning for years now.

And now you love it.

I fucking love it.

Look how quiet it is.

Yeah, it is kind of nice.

No ADR nest.

I just felt for a minute you pulled out of your driveway and there was a car coming pretty quickly.

99.9% of the time.

It's no problem because you have a lot going on.

Sure.

A lot of fun.

Under the hood.

I was a little nervous back there for a split second.

I'm never nervous.

Nate had an incredible idea for.

Was it your bachelor party?

Because of you, yeah.

Yeah, we went out to the desert and rode the play cars.

Yeah, so Nate had ridden with me on the very first time I got that class one car.

I had never driven anything like it.

And we went out and the dude who I bought it from, you know, he's like, come ride with us.

So much adrenaline.

And I had never even, he knew all about it, right?

Well, I didn't, but I had never even watched it.

I didn't know.

He just pretended he knew all about it.

Yeah, exactly.

I didn't know the speeds.

It's hard to fathom the speeds until you're in that thing with all open air around you and zero understanding of how the car stays on four tires.

How about his speech before we took off too?

Because we just jumped behind these dudes that have been doing this for a decade racing.

And the guy's like, okay, you ever fucking see something scary?

Hammer down.

It's always better to have the front end light.

You're about to hit a tree, punch it.

You want the front end light.

And I'm like, oh my God.

So every every time i'm scared for it to eat it that was true because remember like we came around a corner and there was what are the arroyos the water had come through and it was a pretty good sized cliff it was and the instinct was like oh shit there's a cliff

but i punched it and we went off just fine and stayed level but that's the thing most people

are not gonna punch it even if they've been told to against your instincts survival your survival instinct

yeah that is the hurdle you have to overcome if you get into off-road racing but anyways okay so it was your bachelor party.

Yeah.

What is so funny is the condition of all your friends.

We're so fucked up.

So we got to Palm Springs the night before and we all drank in the bar of the Ace Hotel.

Sure.

And myself included.

I knew better.

I knew to stay away from the margaritas.

But it's like your 21st birthday.

You're there.

Everyone's throwing drinks down your gullet.

Your old friends.

Everyone's so excited, and everyone overdoes it, as everyone always does when you're so excited to see your buddies.

Guys are eating with their shirts off inside this nice restaurant.

Their shirts off, slamming drinks.

And so that morning.

We got to have sweet Andrew Panay, who's had no experience with this.

No.

This is

who the fuck are these gorillas?

Yes.

He's like, what are these friends of Nate's?

They all have their shirts off at dinner.

In the old days of the parties, it was who can get all their clothes off first.

Yeah, that was your great party trick.

And I'm glad we grew up in an era where that wasn't sexual assault.

Right.

Dax was at a party.

This is like in 96.

I disappeared for about two minutes and I came back out of my room in nothing but a weight belt.

That was his room.

A cone leather weight weight belt.

And when start doing calisthenics.

Also, start looking at things that are the problems with the house, like bending over and seeing.

And there's a problem with the corner here.

I got some paint chipping here in the corner.

And so a full bend over.

What a time to be alive because everyone loved it.

Part of it is you have the best personality and you're not threatening at all.

You're clearly a good guy, but nothing delighted people more than when you would stroll out in the middle of a party and start examining all the joists.

Squatting over to look at something on the floor, bending over, looking

at some toe touches,

and a couple, and a couple somersaults,

high kicks.

Remember an Eastern Promises, and then he would just disappear back in New Zealand, come out close.

What a routine!

It was a big routine.

Do you remember Eastern Promises weekly when they go to the bathhouse?

They literally have a fist fight fully naked.

It's the scariest fight.

It's the scariest and funniest fight you've ever seen.

Every once in a while, someone would swing around and inertia would slap their nuts against their eyes.

And it's all on camera.

It's all on camera.

So that's kind of how it it was.

Just find the right angle.

Okay, back to bumps ranges.

So we get up in the morning and everyone is terribly hungover.

Stupid a.

And they had no idea what they were getting into.

And once you get in that car and they start going, everything gets real.

Because how fast are you going, Dax, on the straightaways?

85, 90.

But over like four foot whoops.

Is everyone taking rides with you or are they driving their own car?

He summons up that same group that took us out the first time and said, would you guys be willing to take all my buddies for a ride for my bachelor party?

And they were so fucking nice.

Mind you, it's not sanctioned.

There's no rules.

No.

Oh, I know that.

You don't sign a waiver.

Sure.

You just get in a car with guys who you are trusting.

The 50-50 showers surviving.

And you don't know what condition they're in either.

They were drinking.

Yeah.

One-all day were driving.

There were cores lights all over the place.

And I was like, all right, I want to loosen up a little bit.

Barely drinking, but yeah.

Exactly.

In the first half an hour.

Lee Kreiner.

Let's give him a shout out.

Lee Kreiner.

Lee Kriner.

By the way, when you're in the passenger seat with Lee, he will make sure that you don't go near his brake.

So he's like this.

He drives like this.

He's got his elbow.

And so he digs his elbow into your side.

And he goes like he goes.

He goes,

and so I didn't know.

Is he pissed off at me or is he protecting himself and everyone in the car?

But he's like this, but he's staring at the road the whole time.

I never rode with him.

By the way, we blew right by Sunset Junction.

We posted up at Sunset Junction and wait for hours.

I wait for an order.

When you're driving it, do you make sure that the person that has your seat is away from your right arm?

Wow.

Who's going to grab that brake?

That's insane.

To think someone would do that.

That's why it was confusing.

Yeah.

And he was mad.

Also, they were riding four in a car.

Mine was just a two-seater.

That's true.

So you're in with four people.

And if you feel sick, you can't stop this thing.

No one can hear anything because it's so fucking loud and bouncy.

Everyone's hung over.

And guys are fucking

yakking out the window.

And was like, oh, no, no, no.

That one driver finally is like, fuck this, fuck this.

And he pulls over.

Everyone, get your throw-ups out of the way.

Basically, and were you and I riding together?

No.

No.

Oh, you had Palmer.

Oh, I did.

Okay, okay, okay.

I had Palmer.

So, yeah, I'm in back.

So when I pull up, there's three guys standing next to the car.

Everyone's booting on the side of the trail.

And I'm like, dude, they enjoyed that.

There's no fucking way they could have enjoyed that.

Maybe retroactively, they're really stoked they had the experience.

They were shitting in their pants.

I looked back.

My brother tells the story.

My older brother was in the back seat.

And he said he looked up at me and I was like this with the microphone, talked to the driver.

I was like, hey, that's a big turn right there.

It was pretty awesome right there.

But only because I had so much experience with Dax before that.

These guys, this is the first time.

They didn't sign a waiver.

Yeah.

By the way, one of those cars bought it.

They missed a turn going through the wash and they went right into a big

but it didn't destroy the car, obviously.

i don't remember we were just by the way i was laughing but also going like

that nervous laugh where you're trying not to embarrass the driver who just almost killed all you guys killed isn't that a weird instinct yes you're trying to protect him but he just put it into a tree a tree stump i think that's like a deep evolutionary thing i think so too like the chief of the tribe just embarrassed the out of himself and you know if he gets embarrassed he's gonna start killing people or something when i got in that crash outside of provo utah we flipped that van remember that story Please tell me.

We're driving up to college, and a bunch of us get a Dodge Ram van.

Those old Ram vans had like single seats in the back.

Yeah.

So there's a single seat.

Was this not the beach comer?

No.

We're like, we're going up to Jackson Hole.

Hey, let's undo the big seats and face each other so we can play cards on the way up there.

Sure.

Those things are really, really heavy.

The 70s, that's like a 400-pound bench seat.

Sometimes it takes me so long, but please continue.

I fucking remember the story now.

Dude.

Yes.

But my point,

so we're all going up there.

Everyone's hammered.

The driver's not, and and the passenger's not.

But everyone in the backseat's hammered.

Everyone's passed out except for me.

I had to go pee so badly.

I'm hammered.

I grab a Gatorade bottle and I stand up, hand on the roof, and I start peeing in the Gatorade bottle.

Three quarters of the way through my pee, the back of the van goes.

And we're doing 80.

Snow ice or just black ice.

Oh.

The back of the van goes and he overcorrects.

I'm still standing up, hand still on top.

And we hit the side bank and started flipping and everything slowed down.

We landed.

Dude, dude.

Those big seats.

No one got decapitated.

Yeah, or their fucking head crushed in.

Yeah.

We all landed a title.

And my first instinct, just like what happens when someone crashes, first of all, I was naked.

I was naked.

So I was so confused because you hit and you're like, why am I naked?

My clothes off.

My first feeling was embarrassment.

It's not gratitude.

And then I was like, the driver trying to make sure he was okay.

Meanwhile, he's the one who fucking bought it.

Yeah, right.

Why is that the instinct?

I don't know.

It's bad.

There's something about like maybe you grow up and you know like it's safest to not point out that dad messed up.

You know if dad gets embarrassed, it's like some really rash and illogical declarations are coming in really quick.

That's it.

We're never going camping again.

Some over-the-top defensive.

My dad lost his shit at the parking lot of Safeway on Christmas morning.

Four of us and mom's in the front seat.

He lost it.

He's a gig and he doesn't want to swear.

So he's like, you son of a bank.

And we are.

Had another driver.

Had another driver.

We're laughing.

Like, I didn't do anything.

We're dying in the back.

And the guy pulls up, slowly rolls his window and goes, hey, pal, it's Christmas morning.

Smile.

And we're like, no.

Oh, poor dad.

Dad got it.

That reminds me, my dad was briefly married to this woman, Tammy, and we went up northern Michigan, I think probably for Christmas.

So it was super snowy up there.

And for some reason, she was driving.

I don't know why.

And of course, we get behind a guy and he's going too slow for my dad's liking.

And he's in the passenger seat.

My brother and I are in the back.

And he's going, Tam, go around this guy.

Go right.

Fuck, just go around this guy.

Come on.

He's reaching over and honking the horn while she drives, you know, from that seat.

Get the fuck up, right?

Oh, that's the worst.

My brother and I are in the back seat.

And you know, my father was an enormous man.

And when Tammy finally pulls out on the snowy road to pass, as we're going by, my dad rolls the window.

Now he gets his entire body out the window.

And he goes,

you stupid fucker.

And my brother knight, something about stupid fucker, and he was flipping him off.

Well, Tammy was like, Tammy, get in the car.

Stupid.

Stupid fucker.

The rest of the vacation.

Vacation.

Oh, he's just calling everything a stupid fucker.

Yeah, that is fucked up.

There is something hilarious about stupid fucker.

Oh, it is.

You fucker.

Your old man never got into anything physical, though, right?

No, he is so sweet.

But when he loses his temper, he was always trying to hold back.

Sinema!

It's like

you got fucking shit!

So he didn't want to swear so much because the kids.

Sure, sure.

Forget the behavior.

It's the words.

Even for me, those sounds come out during your tirade.

I think about it all the time because in front of my kids, I get pissed off.

Try not to, but it is.

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

And I will think about my dad who tried so hard to hold back.

I got to do better.

Yeah.

I got it.

I got it.

Also, you have the advantage of you're probably much older than your dad was, right?

Well, that's the thing.

Think of you had fucking kids in your 20s.

I think about it all the time.

I didn't know who I was in my 20s.

Aaron, how old are you when you had weight?

32?

I think of you as an older 32.

Like you had done some.

Like, were you an older 32?

32.

I could have hung up.

I could have hung it up at that point and settled down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You had done plenty of stuff.

Yeah.

I had nothing left to prove.

You had an active 20s.

But you were ready at 32.

I guess you always adapt.

But Aaron had this interesting paradox where he was not afraid of commitment.

You always had animals and stuff.

Sure.

Yeah.

You are not afraid of like, yeah, let's get some dogs and ferrets.

I'll take care of them.

Also, I black black out and I don't come home sometimes for a couple of days, but that's not going to get in the way.

Now I think about that and I'm like, what did I do?

Who handled it?

I'm afraid to go to lunch with my dogs home.

Now

you're a nervous wreck the whole lunch.

I probably should have done that.

I had nothing to do with pets for the first half of my life.

First half, you just got your first animal, right?

Three quarters.

2010, when I met Kalimba, she had two cats.

Oh, okay.

Also, when I live with you, I got to live with dogs every day.

And so I got to experience the joy of that.

But those are KB's dogs.

Like, they're so special.

They're so nice.

It's all love.

My dog I grew up with hated us.

We grew up four kids in a row.

And our dog, Daisy, only liked our mom.

She

hated them, guys.

Hated us.

You're at dinner.

We're kids.

And all of a sudden, like,

at your toes, she's biting our toes.

I'm like, fuck!

Fuck!

My poor mom's like, I don't know.

Daisy never bites me.

Daisy bit us all the time.

She hated us, so it was no pets for a while for me.

I'm just remembering, I'm like, did my dad fight in front of me before?

Yeah.

Once.

Oh.

It was at a roofer's.

It was at a...

Okay, hold on.

What a tough convention.

That's not where you pick a fight.

Yeah, yeah.

I was very young, but it was like a builder supply

function, right?

Which the builder supply, it was a roofing supply company.

So it was all roofers that came.

And my dad took, this was like one of the weekends we were with him.

My little sister, she was probably four and I was nine, let's say.

And he had his new wife or his new girlfriend at the time, really young, good looking.

This is what I remember.

She was pouring a can of beer all over her arm.

And my dad goes, what are you doing?

And she said, this guy licked my arm.

And so then he's like, where is he?

Which guy?

Yeah.

So now we had to follow him around looking for him.

They're looking for her to point him out.

How old was the moment?

Like nine.

Oh, my God.

She pointed him out.

He was getting into a car.

This part I remembered.

I remember the car as a fucking Trans Am, like real cool fucking car.

This guy rocks.

He's using it.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

And he fucking jumped in his car and just started going.

And my dad,

like my dad had a wad of keys, like a janitor's wad, right?

Yeah, yeah.

And he fucking chucked him at the windshield as he was driving by us.

Cracked the windshield.

The guy stops.

No No fight happens.

The guy ends up peeling out.

Then the next thing I remember is my stepmom, we're in the back seat, puking out the window the entire ride home.

Oh, just because he was too drunk?

You're nervous?

So I wonder if anyone actually licked her arm.

Oh, no, I think she was starting shit.

No, for sure.

I've talked about it before where I was like, she fucking made that up.

She wanted to see my dad fight.

Because he always held back around women and children.

Men, especially Luther men, that is scary business.

Oh, excellent.

There we go.

Bingo.

Nice.

Big one.

So it shows you the price, huh?

All right.

Yeah, it gives you an idea what you're going to make.

I saw my dad shove several guys.

Oak Berry Akai.

There it is, right there.

Oh, you're right.

Where's my uncle?

All right.

But we drove around the block for that.

He fought my uncle in front of me in the garage.

Yeah.

That was terrible.

Going into walls and tools, my grandpa never ever, if there was a socket set on sale, he always got it.

And he would just give people socket sets when they came over.

Socket sets and WD-40 was falling off the walls and they were fucking wrestling against the walls into the car.

And then my dad got on top of them on the hood and they had cut their ankles.

Their ankles?

Both of them.

They were both in shorts and fucking tennis shoes.

And they came in kind of bloody ankles.

And then my uncle had like a cut on his head.

And it was because it was in the period where my uncle, who was a crack addict, at the height of the

sober for like 30

to late 80s.

Exactly.

He was the president of the bakers union, and it was just a very heartbreaking decline.

And he ended up going to treatment a bunch of times, and he was living at my grandparents' house.

And he was just kind of in this weird coma for a very long time.

It was very trippy.

Everything had been tried, and a couple different times he had gone out and like sold my grandpa's car to a dealer.

And my grandpa had to call my dad.

You know, some wreckage.

And my dad, I don't know how, decided, you know, what he needs is...

Beat some sense into him.

He's getting thrown around the garage.

That'll snap him out of it.

Were you watching?

Yeah,

they were screaming, and then they went out in the garage.

And then I then went in the doorway and was just watching in the garage.

It was like two dogs fighting in the garage.

That's literally the definition of it.

Like, I'm going to beat some sense into it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can imagine like, well, we tried everything, we tried treatment, we tried everything.

I'm just gonna kick his ass and see if that helped.

He made that decision.

That was like the thing he did.

Because maybe he's thinking, like, primely, it's like, hey, this might work.

You need a little fuck out of him.

Yeah, jerk the collar on the dog.

I can't fault him.

I'm sure he's desperate.

But also, at that time, I feel like that was an option.

Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

I know a bunch of fight stories from my dad, but all right.

Where's Yeasty Boys?

Oh, double banger.

Double bang.

I think it's on the next block.

Okay, great.

Yeasty boys.

Wow.

That's the only action I saw.

But I knew all these stories, and then you do wonder how much these stories are real.

Your dad was closing sales deals over martinis at lunch in the 70s.

Three time.

We were just talking about

it.

That's when you go to Morton's to close a couple.

That's what they used to do.

Yeah.

Get the napkin, the cocktail napkin out, have a couple martinis.

Take a deal.

We were just talking about it at Morton's.

My dad would take these four guys across the street to the bar, right across the street from Avis Ford, and they'd be drinking with this charismatic guy, but he was a professional drinker.

Yes.

And they'd get shit-faced, and they'd buy a way too expensive car.

And numerous times they got T-bone pulling out of Avis Ford in their brand new car that they couldn't afford because they were fucking shit-faced.

All right, that's a good one.

Presumably, they needed to buy a second car as soon as they got to the insurance money.

I just heard something over here.

Oh, Yeasty Boys.

Oh, it's a food truck right there.

Oh, it's a fucking

first.

By the way, that's the way the Beasties wrote them.

Have they licensed that?

There's no way that this is.

Oh, yeah, that is the writing.

That's the writing.

That's kind of like, I don't want to out anybody.

Yeah, I don't want to cause any lawsuits.

It's almost like Ted Seeger's stealing Bob Seeger's name.

Very similar.

By the way, he should thank you because that picture is awesome of that person.

That's Aaron Dan.

That's so fucking cool.

He looks great.

By the way,

he was so handsome.

My mom was so horny

for his dad.

He had a beautiful mustache.

He looked just like Sam Elliott.

And he was such a rugged man.

He was a Marine and he was a roofer.

He must have been so strong because he's so strong.

Yes, the two of them.

I roofed with them for quite a while.

And yeah, the big test of a man if you're a roofer is if you can carry two bundles on your shoulders as you climb the ladder 35 feet and not lose your now.

We're on the road.

We're We're talking about how handsome and studly your dad was.

Carrying bundles.

That was the test of a roofer, like how many fucking bundles you could carry up the ladder.

Short-lived life, go figure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what's funny about what you're saying is I identify, you said very casually, yeah, I roofed with them for a little while.

We all, in the old days in the East, I dug trenches with my friend at his dad's electric company.

There's just certain things that you did for jobs when you were really young.

You just did them.

And by the way, they were very motivating to do something else.

Oh, I couldn't wait to not be there anymore.

I fucking hated it.

The gift of all those jobs.

Yes, we're the

family's HVAC company.

When you're counting the clock and it's like 12, 10, you have five more hours.

You're going, fuck.

I think about this all the time for HVAC guys.

The height of their action is when it's 105 out and everyone's air conditioning has more.

And then they get into an attic where all the fucking aquatic

and it's 140 in there.

I mean, how hot is it in there?

Yep.

Tell Nane Nane about the slaughterhouse we got.

Oh, dude.

It doesn't even seem real.

No, it's to this day the grossest experience of my whole life.

My dad had, I don't want to say a contract with these people.

He was just involved with these people that owned meat packing companies in Detroit.

He knew them all.

He would put the roofs on all of the buildings or most likely repair all of these buildings were fucking old as all hell.

Detroit.

Everyone does not want to spend money.

You know, they want to pay you in ribs.

And

when my dad died, I did so many repairs for these guys and fucking had to buy a deep freezer because I did take my payment in ribs.

They talked me into it in one five seconds.

Of course you did.

It was hysterical.

Yeah.

I would watch them saw it off.

The fucking animal.

Like these guys are like, we're going to pay you in ribs and you're going to watch it.

Like I didn't want to watch it.

No.

I don't even want to see a raw I want to how are they doing it?

What are they doing there?

So the bandsaw right the bandsaw.

Yes, exactly.

So Dax and I were I don't know it was this high school

Yeah, no, you know, we were living in Dearborn.

We were like 20 or 19.

Yeah, yeah, my dad being involved with these guys, but he's a roofer, keep in mind.

I don't fucking know how this came up.

Yeah.

They decide they want a connecting building to one of theirs that has been abandoned for many, many years, decades or something, which was an old slaughterhouse.

My dad said, I'll clean this place out for you.

No problem.

You know, give me whatever he must have said.

Six years of ribs.

Yeah, give me like, you know, lots of ribs.

Keep them coming.

And I want to keep any of the ribs I find.

He walked down into it.

So you got a picture.

This was a functioning slaughterhouse for decades.

Wow.

Now the whole floor is concrete.

You can't see this, but it's all channels of drainage.

There's nothing drained.

So, it's

sludge.

Sludge.

And the sludge is animal

liquid.

Adding to that, there's huge four by four, or maybe they were bigger, traps in the cement that go down.

Oh, yeah, that you can't see.

That you can't see because the whole thing.

So the dad's like,

don't walk over there.

There's four traps.

And if you were to have walked in one, you would have gone up over your house.

Holy shit, in animal sludge.

Yes.

Now there's pipes.

I don't remember if these were water gas lines or if they were just pipes where they hung animals from.

I'm guessing that's what it was.

But all these pipes that were kind of at your head level and you had to like duck to go under them.

And there was like skin and stuff that were hanging that would go into your mouth.

Like you're like, oh, you would try to be dodging something and something else would go into your mouth and you're like,

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Yeah, somehow you started a day before I did.

I feel like, because I remember about to walk in, and you're like, you have to be smoking the whole time.

Oh, yeah,

yeah, you're having that cigarette in your mouth.

Yeah,

and his dad had a cigar, yeah, blow it directly into your nose, let it just go into your nose.

I love, but you're sucking the dart and you're blowing the smoke through your nose out, which is the best.

And when you're always sucking in, you're never exhaling.

Is anybody wearing masks?

No, no way.

I forgot for a bead.

No, Stay alive.

But you have more than a five years.

We did talk about

when my dad died.

I'm like, I wonder if that slaughterhouse had something to do with it.

Yes.

What did we pick up?

Dude, his dad was hitting one of these huge, huge pipes that delivers all the sludge.

And it looked like an HVAC kind of huge pipe.

And he was hitting it with a sludge hammer because he had to get all that piping out of there.

And it fucking broke over and it covered him.

Like, you can't do this on television with animal sludge.

Holy shit.

And his dad you give a fuck.

Dude, for however long we worked in there, however many hours, and you just were taking five gallons.

Oh, yeah, that's you got rid of it with five-gallon buckets filling the sludge.

That's how we're going to empty the building.

Not with a fucking some kind of extraction pump.

You actually had to scoop it with a bucket.

Yeah, five gallons at a time.

And take it up the stairs and dump it.

I don't even remember where we dumped it in the alley.

City sewer.

How bad was the smell?

How bad was the smell?

The worst.

It was the fucking gross smell.

The worst.

We would be dry heaving.

Every 15 minutes, you'd have a spell of dry heaving and then light a cigarette.

My dad's truck, I remember, he had someone torch it because

it stunk so bad.

He was at that job for so long that

he was trying to sell it.

He's like, I gotta fucking sell this truck.

You cannot get the smell out.

No, don't buy it.

And you have to torch it for him to get the insurance.

That's just called taking care of business.

He had to.

Okay, so we're in there all day long, and we're so disgusted.

And we've said numerous times during the day, we're never eating meat again.

It's such a terrible idea, right?

And we're riding with his dad three in the truck, and his dad's first stop

was White Castle.

What?

And he ordered like 20 hamburgers.

And guess what he ordered to wash it down with?

Who the fuck wouldn't get a Coke with that?

He got a black coffee.

A black coffee and Tony burgers.

Oh, man.

He just was driving with a bag between his legs, just eating burgers like potato chips.

White castle burgers.

And that almost was the most I almost threw off.

Did you recall the smell of that?

After.

Oh, we're like, he's a psychopath.

The fact that he's going to fucking be eating hamburgers right now.

And he got covered in fucking.

Yeah.

We're like, wow, there's something in him.

That's not in us.

He's made of something different than us

Needs to make him different nice move.

No, it wasn't a nice move.

I was supposed to get off there.

Oops, sir Daisy.

I got confusing.

That's okay.

We'll figure it out.

By the way, I gotta say, I've been watching this map.

This is quite a drive from a Silver Lake.

Oh, but we've gone up to Sunland.

We've had 35-minute rides.

Yesterday we took something from Silver Lake to USC.

Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty much always looking at proximity.

That's part of my order when I order this stuff.

Same.

It's been illuminating.

I also thought, wouldn't you assume it was people with a lot of discretionary income?

Like, not the case at all.

Really?

Every single person's ordering food.

That's how it is.

That's just the way it is.

Look at this.

Is that a Cadillac right now?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

79.

What a beauty.

Yeah.

That's a really nice machine.

That's it.

It still got some giddy up and goes.

And no fucking exhaust came out the map.

I haven't seen a Cadillac accelerate in 30 years

looking like a diesel without it rolling cold.

Oh, he jumped right out there.

Yeah, he did.

Like a little bunny rabbit.

This is half of the job is finding these addresses.

Door?

Oh, it's behind.

Okay.

Oh, there it is.

Wonderful.

All right.

Really good.

Did he have both deliveries?

So that was two separate orders?

Yeah, that's the dream is when you can get a double whammy.

Was there any communication or did you leave it at the door?

Leave it at the door, which is such a bummer.

I had a fantasy that I would be meeting a bunch of people on this.

My first job.

oh i'm so glad this came dude john claude yes my first job in hollywood was delivering scripts this is 1994 yeah the breakdown services you get a stack of scripts you get your clipboard and you drive around and that is your day and you have a thomas guide so the thomas guide is you know you know thomas guide is how you're finding and in la it's so fun because la is just one giant grid i would have oftentimes pretty bizarre moments at the front door it wasn't like Uber when you can just leave it at the door.

There's always something kind of weird or odd.

Anyway, so it's a Friday.

I get a stack of scripts, really trafficky day, and so I was falling behind.

Now, when you're doing this, you got to keep your schedule because you've got to get through your scripts.

You've got to fill your clipboard.

You got to make your deliveries.

You got to get paid.

You got to get paid.

You got to get paid.

And by the way, you get so stressed out.

By the way, I have two stories because it's about road rage at a certain point.

The road rage one is unbelievable.

So I'll hold on that one.

First is this one.

So usually I'll peek at the script sometimes because they were delivering to like, oh, I'm delivering to Samuel Jackson's house.

I'm delivering to so-and-so's house.

I'm like, yeah, I'm so excited.

I was so young.

But I I was so behind.

I didn't give a fuck who was on these.

I was just trying to get them off and unload them as fast as I could.

It was 10 p.m.

on a Friday night.

I never was that late.

Chatsworth.

I know this story so well, but I don't think I knew it was 10 p.m.

It was late.

Okay, that justifies a little more of this story.

It does.

It was so late that I was embarrassed already when I pulled up.

I was like, How am I going to navigate this?

Yeah.

I didn't even look at the name on the screen.

You might be waking this person up.

And also, it was Chatsworth.

It's quiet.

It's dark.

It's a gated community.

I have to buzz the gate first, walk up a long pathway to the front door.

I do that.

I think I even said this.

I was like, sorry, I'm late.

Script delivery.

And it buzzed.

And I walked up this very quiet walkway up to the door.

The door is flanked by two vertical windows.

I ring the doorbell and I kind of peek through the window and I see something like pass down the hallway, like a flowing robe or something.

And I was like, I got a little nervous.

And

the door opens, and it's Jean-Claude Van Damme.

He is in,

he's in a robe.

It's sort of open.

His chest is showing.

He's holding a cocktail that you look at himself, like a cocktail glass.

And I see over his shoulder right away, a woman crosses frame who's also in a bathrobe.

Oh, they're post-coidal.

He's staring at me, daggers at me.

And I was like, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's so late on a Friday night.

Can I please get your signature?

He doesn't say a word.

And I hand him my clipboard.

And my clipboard is full of all the previous delivery signatures.

So all the signatures.

And there's one slide.

I gotta do my papers.

I gotta do my filing.

I did.

I was such a nerd.

I just had to get it done.

I hand him my clipboard and my pen.

He's staring at me and he goes,

and he's staring at me.

I go, oh, I go, thank you.

And he goes, thank you.

And I go,

and I go, I go, thank you.

And he goes, thank you.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

I grab my clipboard.

I turn around,

I start walking away.

And he goes, thank you.

He's right over my shoulder.

I was exhilarated.

I was exhilarated.

I was like, I can't believe this is happening.

And then I was like, what if he roundhouses me back in my head?

I literally had that thought waiting for something to go,

waiting to get

kids in the head.

You know that feeling, right?

He has.

Well, you know, when the dude is behind you in school and you know he's going to shove you.

Yes.

Yeah, just waiting for that shove.

Van Dam walks me all the way down that long pathway.

Then I'm right behind me going, thank you.

Oh, thank you.

What the fuck?

That's so fucking bonkers.

It was so bonkers.

And now in retrospect, also very consistent with him.

Now.

I mean, for me, he was a hero back in.

It was 1994.

Yes, bless for it.

You're a blessed for it.

Why would you have knocked on the door and you would have looked through the window and he's doing the splits inside?

Because he has to do like three hours of splits a day.

day to speak.

I spent the ride home, the ride back to the station.

First of all, I was laughing on the way home.

I couldn't wait to show him my clipboard.

It was such a mess.

It was this big circle.

But then I was thinking about what were they doing?

He was so pissed off that I interrupted.

I remember long blonde hair.

I was like, this is so advanced.

They're having cocktails in their robes.

Yeah.

A real night.

I'm sure he had planned it.

And it was still kind of early in his career.

So I imagine he was loving this night he had planned.

He was so pissed off at me for interrupting his night.

The whole drive back, I was like, God damn, this guy.

I go, must be awesome to be such a star.

I go, fucking having a date with his robes on and his cocktails from his cocktail bar.

Why is he so upset?

Get over it.

I hate to say I can relate.

I mean, I really hate to say it.

Now I can too.

I know.

You just want to go like, just throw the fucking script on the ground.

Sign my name.

Well, you don't, you really.

I didn't have to it was in an envelope like you were playing up crossing your t's and dotting your i was such a nerd like i really wanted to get it all done i will say this though usually i'll look at the names it was the best surprise ever for him to open the door half dressed holding a cocktail

it was probably the best entrance you've ever seen

can i just quickly tell you yes please what happened to me about my road rage

because when you're delivering scripts like that at a young age i just knew i was getting day by day more and more road ragey.

And I was young and I had a lot of testosterone pump through the veins.

And I was like, you know, I got in some fights at that point.

So I was like,

I was like, let's go.

And

I had some successful ones where I was like feeling good about myself.

And by the way, it's so weird because there's no such thing as a successful road rage incident.

I agree now.

Yeah.

It's the height of traffic.

It's 5 p.m.

I'm at Robertson and Olympic.

Such a congested place.

I am trying to take a turn left.

The guy in front of me will not turn.

He's going to stick me in the intersection or red, and I'm going to be stuck.

Yeah.

I'm so pissed.

I'm laying on my horse.

Let's go.

Let's go.

I mean, I lost all control.

And all of a sudden, the guy's driver's door opens.

Oh.

And before he even steps in.

He's in an intersection.

Not even at a light.

And it's congested.

People everywhere.

His door opens.

My door opens.

I jump out.

I'm exhilarated.

I'm like, come on, motherfucker.

I'm like, let's go.

I go

yelling in front of everybody.

There's so many people in that car watching this.

Guess who steps out?

An 80-year-old man.

He steps out and he's like, he's like, he's like, ooh, ooh.

And I was like, yes, I was like, come on, motherfucker.

And I stop and I look around and everybody in the intersection is staring at me.

I felt so bad.

That's like one step away from fucking the automatic arm puts a wheelchair out.

What do you do?

I kind of looked around I saw everyone I felt immediately like a villain in a story.

Yes, yes and I put my hand up and I said I'm sorry got emotional in my car.

I was like who am I

I did I lost all control.

I was like that poor man.

What did it take him to get out of his car and want to square up?

Yes, because you are fucking honking so much and screaming.

And he's like, fine, I'll do this.

And I drove, and I got emotional driving around.

I was like, you know what?

And I swear to God, I said it.

I go, that's it for Road Rage for me.

I go, that's it.

Really?

It was so impactful for years

after that.

I was like, ah, fuck it.

God, that's great.

What a correction.

Yeah.

I certainly had some regrettable ones, but I couldn't contain it.

It was a long road for me.

For me, that was 94.

I mean, then once like we hit the turn of the century, all bets were off.

I think I was back in the

but for many years, think about the impact of that.

Do you remember either of you the first time you guys hung out?

I was supposed to go out with you.

You were going to drive across country.

I bailed at the last second and I was pretty bummed out.

But then when you came back and told me the stories that happened when you were out there, I was like, oh, fuck.

I'm kind of glad I wasn't there.

That was when you got into that massive brawl.

You went to go see David Allen Coe.

Yes.

Oh,

I was supposed to go to that.

And you came back and I was like, I'm fucking glad I did not go on out.

Then you came out.

You came out.

It was the first time in my life I got got hit with a crowbar.

Hopefully the last time.

Dude, that was like a fucking 80s movie to come down the alley.

Alley fight like Rumble Finch.

He has these cab drivers.

My story is they were fucking with us really bad.

We were probably terrible.

We were leaving a David Ellen Coast show at 3 p.m.

and we were all in blackout.

But I remember what set me up was something about my ex-girlfriend.

She wanted to get out of the car and he went and opened the door and I was hit in the back of this, whatever.

You were in the back of the taxi?

Shockingly, we had gotten cabs.

We were really responsible.

That was very shocking.

Maybe Bree spear-headed.

I don't know.

Some of the women, probably.

Some of the women's

responsible friend of ours.

When we got to the house and we finally got left out, me and Dean chased these cabs and they went down this alley behind a mobile gas station.

And then we ran down the alley and they parked at the end of it.

But then as we were running down, there were two more cabs that weren't involved.

Oh, boy.

And there's like three guys running up the alley, but then there's a fourth and fifth guy getting out of their car.

And the fifth guy grabs a crowbar crowbar

crowned vic

and i'm like what's our play here i had one successful uppercut like i did drop one guy and that was right about the time the guy with the crowbar hit dean in the army dean's arm

i remember that it was destroyed i couldn't turn and leave dean i wanted to but so i kind of like kept going and then the guy with the crowbars turned his attention i mean now dean's running the other way and now i turn to start running away and as I'm running away,

crowbar hit me in the back.

In the back.

Yeah, I had an incredible egg on my back.

You came back and you told me that story and I was like, ooh, boys.

That's a major league brawl.

Oh, you would have fit right in.

Oh, you would have loved.

You came out and then I think it was the backyard of somebody.

I mean, did you guys ever party together?

I'm not sure if it was your graduation party for UCLA.

Did you come out for his graduation party?

I don't know.

I think you were there.

But I do remember.

We were partying in the backyard of mine and Scotty's place.

Sure.

I do remember partying with you there, doing some blows.

Drinky, drinky.

I want to say I met you at a hotel pool that we broke into with someone's room key or something.

The one

you guys used to go to all the time.

The Miramar, yeah, yeah.

I think that was.

Because I remember

falling in love with you immediately.

Because you're not only so personable,

you're a baseball player.

You're fucking hilarious and charming.

And I hadn't heard so many stories at that point.

That's why I wanted to go out there also because all we did was tell stories about our buddies back home.

We just drank together and tell stories.

And so at that point, I remember us being in the backyard of our house and we were just hugging on each other, drinking.

It was just very loving.

And your mom was even there.

Sure.

She was there.

She was used to that because we worked for her.

At a certain point, she told you and I, I, all we were doing was hanging out and talking at the barbecue.

And she's like, hey, you too.

Let's go.

Thank you.

She'll break it up a little bit.

Talk to everybody else.

That sounds like Laura.

Yes.

But Aaron gave you the ultimate compliment on an episode of, I think, Race to 270, which is, I don't know if Monica asked him, Did you ever get jealous?

We were very good at being best friends, but then new people would come in and we'd have friendships with those people.

And we really had a good thing.

And then Aaron said, I guess the only person maybe I was jealous of was nate yeah

he's like he was the only friend of dax's i thought uh oh this guy might be yeah like

i just want to i wanted to come out here and be part of it i was like well he has someone that good that i want to be part of that i don't want nate to go away i need to come out and be part of it that's interesting i felt like all i wanted to do was be a part of what Dax was doing.

He would drive across country.

He'd go do a show and he get to hang out with his best friends.

And remember, I knew all the stories about you.

I was struggling a little bit.

I was like trying to find my way.

I couldn't take four days off to go do it.

And you got frustrated with me because I kept saying no.

You weren't frustrated.

You were kind of disappointed.

Sure.

What I wanted is for you to come to Michigan and to put on a show for you.

Yes.

We did that for Kareem one year.

And I wanted to.

And it was so fun.

Get a junker car, go to the middle road.

You guys went to that some lot and just fucked up that car.

The poor tourists.

He came back and he was telling me he had a blast.

And I was like, I was

a city boy who had the full country experience.

Yeah, and I was so jealous.

I was like, I'd have been much better guest.

I guess how I was feeling in my head.

I'd be a much better guest.

You got an incoming.

Oh, no.

Want to do one question?

Sure.

Let's do a question.

We'll see what kind of advice Nate has to offer.

Okay, Nate, this is a fun story.

Oh, this is the perfect story.

Yeah.

I even put your name on it.

It's not really even a question.

It's not a question.

It's kind of a fun story.

Well, we should read this with Nate.

Let's do it.

Okay.

Paul Hensler.

He says, I was accused of sexually harassing/slash putting my fingers in a fellow male co-worker's butt.

Sorry.

You don't have to be sorry.

This is insanity.

I've been thinking about it for two days.

I feel blessed to never have that accusation bubbied against me.

I had a co-worker who worked under me who was a terrible lazy worker.

I would get on him because he would always fall asleep on lawnmowers while driving and just randomly all the time.

He felt he was untouchable since we work for a school district.

I would report

all the incidents that happened to my supervisor.

He started getting verbal warnings and then physical write-ups.

He never changed.

In fact, got even worse with not getting the jobs done and always showing up late.

I think he started to feel the heat and pressure from our bosses, so he decided to throw out some pretty off-the-wall allegations against me, claiming I was cussing him out all the time.

I would always slap his ass and rub his shoulders constantly.

Why would you rub shoulders with a guy you hate?

The kicker, though, is that he claimed that I came up behind him one time, and I quote, he inserted two, maybe three fingers

into my bottom.

None of this was true, and all of my fellow co-workers packed me up in this legal investigation.

Wow.

I believe it was all in retaliation of him being a shitty employee and trying to get the heat off of him.

After a long nine-month investigation,

with interviews and multiple legal emails,

I was found not to be at fault for any of these allegations.

He was pretty much forced to resign, and now he is gone, and I am free of him.

So,

write a story.

My favorite detail is two or three.

That's the best part of the story.

That was in this guy's email to the HR.

I think it's wild if you make an accusation like that, that you haven't worked through the physics of all that.

You have to slide your hand inside the jean, inside the back of the jeans with the balance.

And then all the way through the butt crack.

And you've not moved or run away.

Or you're not in a position to do that.

You're not making out in the closet.

You're naked men.

But that's what I'm saying.

You would have to be naked on all fours, looking at something on the ground, distracted, where you could maybe get one.

Three fingers up an ass is going to take some doing.

I think that, first of all, when it gets down towards the asshole, when you're inside the butt cheeks, one finger goes inside the butthole, two are right on the edge.

It's like that.

That's with a lot of loop.

Anyone's going to feel like that's

three.

So I understand that.

Okay, yeah.

Even though one might feel like three.

Let me say this about that.

You know, it could also be if you're wearing sweatpants.

Maybe he had big fingers.

You can get the hand down the back of sweatpants pretty fast.

Okay.

Without having to be in an embrace.

Then I think you would have said, I was wearing sweatpants.

I think you're right.

Yeah.

And also probably can't wear sweatpants on the job if you work for the school district.

But you're on a lawnmower.

He fell asleep on lawnmowers.

Oh, that feels dangerous as hell.

Well, so he maybe

mowing around for the school district.

Yeah, that's a good job.

But you're right.

There's a lot of detail that's not covered.

He didn't think it through.

Yeah, I agree.

There's a great Sederus story about him talking to doctors, and he said almost every doctor he's ever met has a story about someone coming in with an object in their rectum.

And they all seem to have a similar excuse which is

they fell down

that's what they say well nate tuck this was so much fun funny we can just hang out by looking at

we can we can go to Megan's yes

to go to the chicken ranch it wouldn't it would be no different

I know and isn't it nostalgic when you sit in the back seat and notice the position

look at my legs spread wide and it feels totally natural to do it it reminds me of when you're younger because You're hanging out.

You're also like leaning towards the bottom.

Leaning forward.

No one's belted.

Zero concern for safety.

Fender vendor turns into someone going right through the middle.

Torpedoing through.

Well, I love you.

It's so fun to be with two of my very best friends of all time in one car.

Baby.

Thank you.

So good.