Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation

Speaker 1 Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dak Shepherd, and I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Speaker 2 Hi. Hi.

Speaker 1 Today we have our very favorite prompt.

Speaker 1 We try to use it sparingly, but every time we use it, I go, I don't know why we don't use it more because this one, this one somehow blew past episodes that can't be blown past.

Speaker 2 I agree. There's the potential that we heard the craziest story we've heard or the most

Speaker 1 shocking.

Speaker 2 And also, this particular group of armchairs, all four, were incredible.

Speaker 1 They were incredible.

Speaker 2 Really special, fun group.

Speaker 1 I'm even like thinking about trying to develop a friendship with the last person.

Speaker 2 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 Bless your heart. It was a cough.
I know, but still, I thought you were dying. So we'll say, but may you find your way to heaven.
Take him into your heart.

Speaker 1 In his name we pray. Oh, stop.
He has risen.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this one is fucking unhinged. Can we say that? I guess we can't say crazy, but can we say unhinged?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's so good.

Speaker 1 It's so, so good. Please enjoy potentially our best unauthorized evacuation.

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Speaker 1 This low sexual desire is troubling to them and is not due to a medical or mental health problem, problems in the relationship, or medicine or other drug use.

Speaker 1 Addy is not for use in children, men, or to enhance sexual performance.

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Speaker 1 Wait at least two hours after drinking before taking Addy at bedtime.

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Speaker 1 Addy. Use code DAX for a $10 telemed appointment at Addie.com.
That's A-D-D-Y-I.com.

Speaker 1 This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So many of us are really impacted by the colder seasons when it gets dark so much earlier and the days feel shorter than ever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me, me, I'm the one. I feel horrible when it seasonal affective disorder.

Speaker 1 Yes, you do take a

Speaker 1 hit. I when it gets dark.
You know how it goes. Life gets busy, but that's exactly why shorter days don't have to be so dismal.

Speaker 1 It's time to reach out and check in with those you care about and to remind ourselves that we're not alone. And you know what? Every time I finally do, I think, why didn't I do this sooner?

Speaker 1 Which is exactly what people say about starting therapy. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

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Speaker 1 Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step.

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Speaker 1 Hard times, come and go.

Speaker 1 Good times,

Speaker 1 take them slow.

Speaker 1 My life,

Speaker 1 I had them both.

Speaker 1 Remember one thing,

Speaker 1 you gotta know, I'm gonna keep them shining.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 Jonathan, are you standing on a box? Are you six foot eight? You're close. I'm just north of 6'9.

Speaker 1 Holy smokes. Congratulations.
You're above the door frame. Thank you.
Worked on it my whole life. That's very exciting.
How many years did it take you to hit 6'9? Probably 23, but I'm 33 now.

Speaker 1 And did you make use of this height? Did you do anything that lent itself? Did you play basketball or anything?

Speaker 1 I played basketball a little bit, and then I stopped playing, and then I lost everything. So, no,

Speaker 1 wait, what do you mean you lost everything? Skills. Oh, your skills.

Speaker 3 I tried to play basketball right now and tried to jump.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure my knees would just evaporate.

Speaker 2 I'm excited to see how your height's going to impact the evacuation.

Speaker 1 Oh, Oh, that's a great point. Yeah, it kind of raises the stakes.
It will.

Speaker 3 It plays an adjacent role.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. Walk us through this unfortunate and fortunate event.

Speaker 3 So it took place in 2010, 2011. I was a sophomore junior in college.
That college is UMass Amherst. I live in Massachusetts.

Speaker 1 And so one thing that school is known for is it's really big. There's a lot of people that go there.
And another thing is its dining food is really good.

Speaker 1 It's like number one, number two in the country, at least when I was there. Really? I was a student employee there.

Speaker 3 I worked at the largest dining common on the campus and I worked at the sushi station, which sounds pretty bougie, but the student employees would roll sushi.

Speaker 3 And then I also worked, I think it was called Tepanyaki. It's like a big flat top grill with thick noodles.
And I would just throw the noodles on, throw the veggies on.

Speaker 3 There's a spicy paste called, I think it's like Gochu Jang, probably saying that wrong, but I love it.

Speaker 1 It's like a red taste, really good. And so I would make up a lot of that and then parcel it into just individual dishes and put them out.
And then students would come and grab them.

Speaker 1 Jonathan, can I just, I know you probably get so sick of talking about your height, but what I'm immediately concerned about is that grill top was probably built for someone that was 5'9.

Speaker 1 I imagine cooking on that grill was probably terrible on your back. Did your back kill when you would have shifts?

Speaker 3 The first issue I faced was the fan hood overhead.

Speaker 1 Oh, that would like take the exhaust. It'd have a nice sharp corner on like the excess of it.

Speaker 1 And my freshman year took a nice head shot off that and then from there was very aware of its surroundings.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you need to walk around with a helmet.

Speaker 1 Other reasons too, but yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 Okay, I just, I got worried about you. Okay, so you're popping noodles on this grill top.

Speaker 3 So my ship is always a dinner shift. It was like four to nine.
And about half hour of renting my ship, I'd take my dinner.

Speaker 3 Usually when if I was working there, I would make a big old plate of that noodles, load up on the Gocha drain because I liked it, go eat, come back to work, clean up, and then head back to my dorm.

Speaker 3 And usually, full disclosure, by the time I got back to my dorm, that's about time when the spice would make its way through and off I go.

Speaker 1 Clockwork.

Speaker 3 So this night, had my dinner, went back to work and then was cleaning up and started to feel some grumblings inside. And I thought, we're okay.

Speaker 3 We can finish up the shift and head home and clean up a little bit more.

Speaker 1 And then we thought, okay, let's just be smart here. Let's be proactive.
Let's go find the bathroom and head out.

Speaker 3 It was the end of the night. So a lot of students were leaving.
It was closing. The bathroom was occupied near the front of the building.

Speaker 1 So I thought, that's fine.

Speaker 3 We have an employee bathroom down opposite end of the whole building. So I head downstairs, employee entrance side.
There's the laundry room. There's the freezers where all the food's kept.

Speaker 3 Hustle past all that. It's 10 of the night.

Speaker 1 That's occupied too by some student employee. You've just spent a lot of your time crossing this building.

Speaker 1 At this point, you're probably thinking like, God damn it, if I just headed home, I might be there by now.

Speaker 3 Yep. But I still need to like clock out.

Speaker 1 And so at that point, there's a little bit of panic. Not a lot yet.
So I start heading back the other way.

Speaker 3 Maybe that bathroom's now open. Obviously, make it all the way back up the stairs.

Speaker 1 It's not.

Speaker 3 We're fully in a panic mode. We start heading back downstairs and we're like, all right, maybe that one's going to be open.
In my head, we know it's not. So we start thinking, what's around me?

Speaker 3 And earlier, I walked past the laundry room.

Speaker 1 Oh. And we duck into the laundry room.

Speaker 3 We close the door and we assess the situation. What's in here? What can I make use of? There is like a sink, a washer, a dryer,

Speaker 1 a mop bucket, a trash bucket. And we think, what would I cause the least collateral damage? You're about to shit in public in a closet, but you're still a gentleman.

Speaker 1 I'm not looking to ruin anyone else's day but mine. Yeah, yeah.
But the decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options and the cork has been popped. Oh, okay.
Oh, my God. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Lava flows out. Oh, hold on a second.

Speaker 2 And you're staring at a bucket?

Speaker 1 We're weighing decisions. These are decisions to be made, and they were not made in time.
It sounds like he had decision anxiety or decision fatigue.

Speaker 1 But I also want to point out, because I know you so well, Monica, when you heard that the cork popped, I felt like you got a little PQ. Did you get a

Speaker 1 lot of people?

Speaker 2 I felt it kind of viscerally.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 Because when I talked.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Train left the station at this point mentally. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So I am very tall. My pants inseam is 38 inches.

Speaker 1 So I figured, okay, there's a lot of capacity here to be filled up. Sure.
And we're safe.

Speaker 3 The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube.
And we're just like, let's just go clock out.

Speaker 1 Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, let's not just go clock out.
Your pants are full of shit. We want to lock the doors somehow.

Speaker 1 We want to turn them inside out, get it in that bucket. Maybe, I don't know.
We're going to try to mop up the inside. There's a washing machine there.
I might wash.

Speaker 1 I might just spend the whole evening dealing with this. But did you make any attempt to fasten the ends of your pants?

Speaker 3 I shoved the bottom of the pants into the shoes. So we're hopefully a self-contained system here.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Closed-loop system.

Speaker 2 This must be a smart school.

Speaker 1 Well, he's smart. You can tell.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Technically on a degree, but barely.

Speaker 2 Wait, what color were the pants?

Speaker 1 Dark jeans. Okay, that's good.
That's what you want.

Speaker 2 He'd prefer black, but sure.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, I go clock out and I make my way amongst the crowd to head out. It's still pretty busy, but I'm walking like a cowboy that just got off a long horse ride or something.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to be nonchalant about it, but you know. Also, can I add again? I know I keep talking about your height, but it's like you're not able to blend in.

Speaker 1 Whatever you're doing is going to be observed. If you got a crazy walk, people are going to be like, look at that tall guy with the crazy walk.

Speaker 2 Also, your butt is like at most people's faces.

Speaker 1 That's where the danger comes in. Really unfortunate for them at this point.
Bad on a normal day. Terrible today.

Speaker 3 So we're walking up the front stairs amongst the crowd. We cross the hundred or so yards to my dorm room.
We get upstairs, shower.

Speaker 3 Those pants obviously destroyed, threw them in the trash in the trash room immediately.

Speaker 1 Okay. And went to bed.
And at this point, I thought that's the end of the story.

Speaker 3 But unfortunately, that's just part one.

Speaker 1 Oh, Oh no,

Speaker 3 wow, part two. Next day, we fast forward to the shift again.
I'm getting set up in the sushi area. Some of the other student employees are just like talking, say hi, we catch up.

Speaker 3 And then one of them said, Hey, did you hear about Mike? Mike is a guy who worked at the nearby station. And she starts laughing and she says, He broke his arm.

Speaker 3 And I say, I don't know why that's a funny bit of information to tell me, but sure. And she's like, No, he slipped and fell when leaving work last night.

Speaker 3 And I was like, I don't understand why this is hilarious to you.

Speaker 1 No. No, no, no.
Stop. He slipped

Speaker 1 on the stairs on poop. Stop it.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 3 I'm not about to take full blame for this because we don't know 100% that someone else didn't have a story right after this.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 2 Plausible deniability.

Speaker 1 Well, at first glance, I was like, this is crazy. This is you.
It's your fault. And now you're trying to shirk your responsibility.

Speaker 1 But what I will say in your defense is other people ate the same noodles that fucked up your butt.

Speaker 1 So maybe multiple people shit their pants that day. That's a good argument.
And you already said it's a huge school.

Speaker 2 I don't think it was yours.

Speaker 1 I just think if you have 46,000 students, probably on any given day, one or two people have shit.

Speaker 2 I don't think it would have escaped the sock. You would have noticed.

Speaker 3 Little morsels of shame, Paul.

Speaker 1 You don't know.

Speaker 1 You fucking broke your co-worker's arm. What a left turn.

Speaker 3 Allegedly.

Speaker 1 And he had to cast like up to his arm, like the right angle cast for like a couple months. Fuck, you really got him.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, and he probably wasn't able to work.

Speaker 1 No, he's fine.

Speaker 1 He probably got a lot of attention, got a date. Oh, if I broke my arm on somebody's poop, oof.
Really quick, though, I have follow-up questions. How did they know it was shit?

Speaker 2 The smell and the look of it.

Speaker 3 It was like on his shoe.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. That makes a lot of sense.
I bet people would have assumed someone brought a dog in.

Speaker 3 But the dining common?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to help you here. I don't know why you're pushing back so hard.
Oh, it was the stairs at the dining. Oh, no, it's definitely you.
No, it was you. And I'm your defense attorney.

Speaker 1 I need you to shut up and let me paint the case for you.

Speaker 1 And by the way, we'll probably have a prompt in the future that's like, tell us about a crazy way you broke a bone. We might talk about that.

Speaker 2 Let's write that down.

Speaker 1 That's a great thing.

Speaker 2 That would be pretty funny. Did you come clean?

Speaker 1 Oh, no. No, no.

Speaker 3 first time anyone has heard this story in my life my wife here i said i got approved for the prompt she's like what prompt and i didn't answer she said what prompt

Speaker 1 she at the end of this would love to say hi but we don't know what kind of face we're going to get okay it's all coming clear to me now does he remind you as well of that great comedian he reminds me of Zach Woods yep do people tell you that yeah that's flattering oh yeah he's hilarious yeah he's also really good looking very like it okay well we'd love to talk to your wife I I want to see what kind of gal you wrangled with this wreckage in your past.

Speaker 1 For cute.

Speaker 1 It's going to lower his head again.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. He did have to.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 Well, we heard him killing her.

Speaker 1 We've never seen her. Oh, there's a child.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it's you guys.
Hi there.

Speaker 2 Who's this cutie pie?

Speaker 1 Who's this little redhead?

Speaker 3 She was wondering who daddy was talking to in the closet.

Speaker 3 No one. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 1 Just a good story. Princess Anna's husband.
That's who Daddy's talking to. Big fans of Brosnor.
That carries a lot of weight in this house.

Speaker 1 Well, you guys, happy holidays. What a great story.
He almost killed a man by shooting his pants.

Speaker 3 He won't tell me anything.

Speaker 1 I have to wait to listen. Oh, this is

Speaker 2 exciting. Yeah, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1 I just ruined the plot twist.

Speaker 2 Did you guys meet in college?

Speaker 1 No, we actually met at high school. Didn't know each other.

Speaker 3 High school sweetheart. Correct.
We reunited during college.

Speaker 1 At a bar in your hometown or at a reunion? Actually, exactly. At a trivia.

Speaker 3 Yeah, a little Irish bar in our hometown where kids played trivia after high school because they were living at home with their parents.

Speaker 1 Can I say that's a great group? If you're going to meet someone at a bar, do it at a trivia night.

Speaker 2 I agree. Put that degree to use.
Yeah, we were pretty good, too.

Speaker 3 So we decided to get married.

Speaker 1 Nice. Do you guys continue to compete in trivia?

Speaker 3 Not as much. We have two little ones now, so it's harder to get up for trivia nights.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Yeah, you're fucked for about seven more years.

Speaker 1 It's a good trade-off. It is.

Speaker 2 Thanks for chatting with us. That was great.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. All right, take care, you guys.
All right. Bye-bye.
Bye.

Speaker 1 What a great. He was hilarious.
We love him, right?

Speaker 2 And we were just talking about redheads.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Little redheads. Oh, I should ask if she had dimples.

Speaker 1 Hello?

Speaker 5 Hi. Sorry.
I don't know why my video is not working.

Speaker 1 Let's get that video cracking.

Speaker 5 What's happening?

Speaker 1 You know, your voice without video accompaniment, you could be nine.

Speaker 2 I was like, did Lincoln cut a lot?

Speaker 5 You'll have to guess how old I am.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is a fun game, but I also want to see you.

Speaker 1 You can try disconnecting and reconnecting. Oh, Rob says disconnect and reconnect.
See if that works.

Speaker 5 Okay, I'll be back.

Speaker 1 Hopefully see you in a few.

Speaker 2 I think she's going to be 29.

Speaker 1 I think she's 72. Oh, I think she's 13.

Speaker 1 I think she's six. No wonder she can't figure out how to get the video to work.

Speaker 2 She's six. Well, if she's six, also, unauthorized evacuation is like not that funny.

Speaker 1 It's like, what one today? Like, obviously,

Speaker 1 that'd be funny if we had a baby call up. I pulled my pants one minute ago.

Speaker 2 I didn't want to, but it happened.

Speaker 1 This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. The website for Armchair Expert.
I was too afraid to try.

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You know what, Monica?

Speaker 1 I have to talk to you about these Skims pajamas they sent us.

Speaker 2 Yes. I was literally just thinking about how much I love mine.
I think I've worn them every night since we got them.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I barely was able to get out of mine to come in today. So I've always been that guy who just sleeps in whatever, random t-shirt, you know, old shorts.

Speaker 1 These skims jammies, first of all, they're in the pattern I love. They're in the checkered red and black.
Yes. And then the fabric is just snuggling me all night long.

Speaker 2 It's such a good product. And also for the women's ones, the one I have is so cute.
I like after my shower, my routine, to get into a cute pair of pajamas.

Speaker 2 And I feel like my sleep is improved when I'm wearing cute.

Speaker 1 Eventize it.

Speaker 2 You eventize it. That's right.

Speaker 1 And honestly, I feel more put together wearing matching pajamas instead of my usual mismatch situation.

Speaker 2 The timing couldn't be better either because it's holiday season. And honestly, these would make incredible gifts.
They have options for women, men, kids, and even pets. That's so cute.

Speaker 2 Who doesn't want to feel this comfortable sleeping?

Speaker 1 Shop the best pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you.
Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop-down menu that follows.

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Speaker 1 Hey Lord!

Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 1 Success!

Speaker 5 How's it going?

Speaker 1 Good. I feel like Monica was probably right.
While you were gone, we guessed at your age.

Speaker 2 I said 29.

Speaker 1 I said 13. I said 72.

Speaker 5 I turned 29 in a month.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. Oh, good.
Congratulations, Monica.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's very exciting. It's funny, though.

Speaker 5 With my job, a lot of people are like, are you 12? Are you 14?

Speaker 1 Do you talk on the phone a lot for your job? No.

Speaker 1 Are you a mechanic?

Speaker 5 No, I'm a fly fishing guide, actually.

Speaker 1 Whoa, that's so.

Speaker 1 Where at? What state?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 2 Michigan. Oh, guess.

Speaker 1 I would guess Wyoming. Montana.
I'm in Montana. Wow.

Speaker 1 Don't fucking celebrate too hard. They're neighboring states.
Oh, that's true. They share many of the rivers.
There's only like three options.

Speaker 1 That was really good the same.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it could have been Idaho, Wyoming, or Montana. A 33% chance.
How long have you been doing that?

Speaker 5 Three years. I've lived here 11 years.
I came out here to go to college.

Speaker 1 And let me ask you this. I don't want names.
I just want to know, have you had celebrity clients?

Speaker 5 Yes, we have.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Celebrities love fly fishing.

Speaker 5 The town I live in, apparently Jeff Bridges lives here and then John Mayer lives here as well.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 You've never seen either of them prowling the streets.

Speaker 5 I've seen John Mayer.

Speaker 1 Oh, at a bar?

Speaker 5 He goes downtown a lot and then I weirdly pass his house on the river a lot.

Speaker 1 Okay, great.

Speaker 1 Creepy.

Speaker 1 So let me ask you this, though. Do you fly fish in the winter?

Speaker 5 No, I'm retired.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you take the winners off, I guess.

Speaker 5 Yeah, before I was a fly fishing guide, I was a wedding and event florist. So I still do that freelance in the winter.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Do some people bounce back and forth between ski stuff and fly fishing?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I'm also a ski instructor. Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 2 Real Jane of all trades.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's talk shit. Set the scene for us.
What happened?

Speaker 5 I honestly, I had to like reach out to some people because I think I blacked this out of my memory a little bit.

Speaker 1 Sure. Brown out.

Speaker 5 That's what they call it. I was a senior in high school and I grew up in the Pacific Northwest.
I was really big into soccer, so I traveled around a lot.

Speaker 5 And then in the spring, soccer was pretty quiet. So I always did high school track.
So it was the end of the season and it was the state track meet. So select few of us, not the whole team, made it.

Speaker 5 to state and i made it on the four by 200 meter relay that was the only event i qualified in for state we traveled down south towards seattle and it's fun to be on like a relay team for it because you're not in a solo event you can like warm up together but i would notoriously get so anxious before track meets everyone's just watching you and you're kind of on your own and you're just sprinting as fast as you can so we're headed down south and I can feel my tummy, just a lot of nerves.

Speaker 5 And the 4x2 is the first race at Track Meets. This is different than any other track meet because it's high schools from all over the state.

Speaker 5 Sometimes you go to track meets and it's just you and a few other teams. But no, it was a full stadium and people were there to watch.
Wow. We're getting warmed up.
We're wearing big sweats.

Speaker 5 It's pretty chilly. And underneath, I'm wearing super tight.
compression shorts, you know, the really short ones and a little singlet top with my school's name on it.

Speaker 5 My stomach is just still not feeling great.

Speaker 1 Can I ask a quick question? What had you eaten earlier that morning?

Speaker 5 My go-to before track beats was a peanut butter and pickle sandwich.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Get a little acid, get a little protein.

Speaker 1 Carbs. But no fish for breakfast, nothing dicey.

Speaker 5 Not that day.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay.

Speaker 5 They give you a warning, like you have 10 minutes. And I was the first leg.
So I'm the one that gets in the blocks and then they shoot the gun and you start sprinting. And everyone's really stoked.

Speaker 5 You can feel the energy in the stadium. People are excited for the first race.
I'm still feeling weird. I try to use a bathroom and I just ride it off to nerves.

Speaker 5 The moment you start running, it kind of disappears. And so they tell the runners to get ready.
So I take my sweats off and get in the starting blocks.

Speaker 5 And I'm still like a little shaky, but I actually feel okay. My tummy pains went away.
I feel like I'm relaxed. And he says, runners, take your mark, get set.
And then he fires the gun.

Speaker 5 The moment the gun went off

Speaker 1 oh my gosh

Speaker 5 my body just released everything

Speaker 1 what oh girl before you even got to run right on cue or probably simultaneous to you starting to exert yeah the gun goes off and in my head i'm like oh

Speaker 1 but it kind of let me get powered me i fucking took off well you probably got a shot of adrenaline like you've never had well and like i don't want anyone to see this i gotta run you gotta run right out of the the stadium.

Speaker 5 That's exactly what I was thinking. Blessing in disguise, my shorts were navy.
Oh,

Speaker 5 but they're just skin tight. So I can feel it coming down.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. And if you had to guess, no one's going to like this part, but I must know.
Consistently. If you had to guess at the volume, would you say there's like a pint glass in your shorts?

Speaker 1 More or less. About a pint glass.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, so long. A lot of pickles.

Speaker 5 I'm just going to keep sprinting.

Speaker 1 I feel good now, right? Of course. You got it all out.

Speaker 5 And I can feel my shorts are just soaking wet.

Speaker 5 It's just happening.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 5 I try not to think about all the teams on the sidewalks and then everyone in the stands. I just handed off the baton and sprinted right to the bathroom.

Speaker 1 You did. You just ran right off the track.
But listen, you have the heart of a champion. I love that you didn't let that get in the way.

Speaker 2 What would have stopping even done? And then everyone knows still about the poop.

Speaker 1 What do they say? Like, better to be quiet than open your mouth and confirm that you're dumb or something. There's some fun saying about talking too much.

Speaker 1 But in your case, way better to roll the dice and think, like, people might be curious why you ran away or stay and let them know exactly what happened.

Speaker 5 Sadly, a lot of people saw what happened.

Speaker 1 They did.

Speaker 2 They were able to see. Even though you were lightning fast.

Speaker 1 Well, how did you perform?

Speaker 5 It was great. We got like fourth place, I think, which was huge for us.

Speaker 1 Oh, great. So it was a good, good start.

Speaker 5 But my mom saw me run off and she actually came into the bathroom and I was just sitting in the stall and she

Speaker 5 went to the local Fred Meyers and got me some underwear and some pants and stuff.

Speaker 1 Why didn't she just go grab your sweats?

Speaker 2 No one knows what to do.

Speaker 1 No, everyone's panicked. Yeah.
Her little baby with her. I can only imagine how young you sounded when you were actually 17.

Speaker 1 Like a fucking three-year-old.

Speaker 1 Hey, Lamp poo-poo.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, this is awful. High school?

Speaker 1 Oh, how many people do you think were in attendance?

Speaker 5 There was quite a bit. Washington's a big state, so they were from all over and it was definitely filled up.
I just went home after that. My mom just drove me home.

Speaker 1 You didn't stick around.

Speaker 1 You wanted to get out of there.

Speaker 2 It was a little rough.

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 2 Did people make fun of you after?

Speaker 1 Who all saw?

Speaker 5 A lot of my team like noticed it because, you know, they're just watching me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're the first person we've ever interviewed that shit themselves in front of a huge audience.

Speaker 2 Like staring directly at you.

Speaker 1 You're watching your body move. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And was there any follow-up with the team when you guys got back together? Did it spread pretty quickly?

Speaker 5 It spread pretty quickly. Everyone was like, oh my gosh, are you okay? They weren't making fun of me, but they were like, is that why you left?

Speaker 1 But duh.

Speaker 2 God, people do not know what to say.

Speaker 1 Did you have a lover at the time? I did. How did they feel?

Speaker 5 I don't think I ever told him. He wasn't there.

Speaker 2 Sometimes this would spread through the whole school.

Speaker 1 Oh, in my school, the whole entire school would have known within an hour. People have been like, do you hear the relay team got fourth in states?

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I heard one of our runners shit themselves. I think Grace.
And they're like, oh, cool.

Speaker 2 But fourth place is great.

Speaker 5 I feel like with cross-country and long-distance runners, this happens. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's standard.

Speaker 1 There's numerous videos of marathoners coming across the line with just graining shit. Yeah, yeah.
I'm really proud of you. You kept your head in it.
You kept it floored. I really admire it.

Speaker 4 Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 5 It was the little extra power I needed to finish that race.

Speaker 1 Well, Grace, I loved this story.

Speaker 5 I look back on it fondly.

Speaker 5 It's happened a few more times in my adult life.

Speaker 1 I would imagine sometimes you're out on that boat for a long time fly fishing.

Speaker 5 Luckily, no poop stories.

Speaker 2 We're going to knock on wood.

Speaker 1 But waiters are ideal to shit yourself in. You're wearing a toilet, basically.

Speaker 5 I know of people that have had to throw their waiters away. Sure.
Can I give a quick shout out to my two ladies that listen with me? Of course. Jenny and Abby.
You guys are my girls.

Speaker 5 And thanks for having me on, you guys.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is so fun.

Speaker 2 Have a happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Bye. Bye.

Speaker 1 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than speak out and remove all doubt. There it is.

Speaker 2 Doesn't really roll off the table.

Speaker 1 Abraham Lincoln. Babe, Babe Lincoln.
Oh, it was. One of of his quatrillion great quotes.
He's like our Churchill.

Speaker 2 No, but we've said that before, and then it's never him.

Speaker 1 Well, he said, don't believe everything you read on the internet just because there's a picture with the quote next to it. That's what Abe Lincoln said.
He said that?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 He's ahead of his time.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi there.

Speaker 1 What name are we going by today?

Speaker 6 I was hoping you guys would pick for me.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You look very much like my aunt, and her name was Sue. That's not a popular name anymore.
Is it okay? That's cute. It's not really popular, but that's okay.
I'll take it.

Speaker 2 It's not popular, but it's cute.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what about Susie? Like Susie Q's.

Speaker 6 Susie Q's cute. I like that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a great hostess product. Susie Q's.
Did you ever eat those, you guys?

Speaker 2 You mean Swiss cake rolls?

Speaker 1 I mean Susie Q's. It was a bit of a chocolate dark devil's food cake, then a huge dumping filling of the Twinkie filling, and then another chocolate long cake, cake rectangle.
Interesting.

Speaker 1 Really good. Okay, so we're going with Susie.
Again, it's very promising that you want a fake name because hopefully that means this is hugely embarrassing. That's the goal today.
Yes, indeed it is.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, I can't wait. Yes.
All right. Hit us with it.

Speaker 6 Okay, so this summer I was sick. I had an awful cold and then it turned into laryngitis.
So I lost my voice. When this happened, though, I was starting to get my voice back.

Speaker 6 I'm living at home with my parents while I'm at school. It's It's a good thing to mention.
I have a boyfriend. We'll call him Jack.
We both work nights.

Speaker 6 So when he stays over at the house, we have the house to ourselves in the daytime. And so I want to say around four in the afternoon this day, Jack was in the mood for some sexy time.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 6 I wasn't feeling 100%

Speaker 6 back, but felt well enough to proceed with the sexy time.

Speaker 1 Oh, my.

Speaker 1 Good. You're a trooper.

Speaker 6 So at the foot of my bed, I have a white wardrobe. And then across the room, I have my closet.
So at the other end, Jack's head is at the end of the bed, and I'm sitting on top of him.

Speaker 6 And things are going very well.

Speaker 1 Great.

Speaker 6 To the point where I reach my climax.

Speaker 1 Oh, congratulations. That's great.

Speaker 6 Almost immediately after that, it started to feel very wet down there.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 6 To the point where Jack then stops and he asks, did you squirt or something?

Speaker 1 Why is it so wet down there? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Is he still your boyfriend?

Speaker 1 He is. Okay.
We've been together for almost three years.

Speaker 1 Can I pause you for one second? Cause I want to work through Monica's reaction. Monica, don't you think that's preferred to

Speaker 1 shit? Like, at least it was sexy.

Speaker 2 I think he shouldn't mention it.

Speaker 6 I will also say at this point, he thinks he's done a very, very excellent job.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 He's proud of himself. That's even more.

Speaker 1 No, she just came like a racehorse. She just said, like a racehorse.

Speaker 2 Well, she didn't say that.

Speaker 1 It was a little bit implied, but yeah.

Speaker 2 But now we know why. Well, we're about to.

Speaker 1 But I'm him, right? I'm downstairs and I see this wonderful climax. And then it's super wet.
I mean, that's a pretty natural conclusion.

Speaker 2 It's like, maybe she scored it. I understand that you might think it, but I don't think you should ask.

Speaker 1 Well, you're in a trusting, loving relationship. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, it didn't sound like a news at all.

Speaker 1 Did it bother you? I know what it is. You did his voice and you made him sound like a dumb-dumb.
I think that's what Monica's been using. Yeah, okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm not very good at replicating his voice.

Speaker 1 Maybe I should have practiced.

Speaker 2 You're five. All right.
So he asked you.

Speaker 1 Did you squirt?

Speaker 2 And then he said, why is it so wet?

Speaker 1 Well, I know he said, why is it so wet?

Speaker 6 I don't know why, but then I look behind me and all I see is just brown

Speaker 1 everywhere. Oh, so you sprayed.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like my asshole

Speaker 1 exploded. Oh, no.
All over us. Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 I have white bedsheets, the white wardrobe. It reached all the way across to my white closet.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It exploded.

Speaker 1 I'm shocked you didn't hear it.

Speaker 6 I had no idea it happened.

Speaker 1 I didn't even feel it.

Speaker 6 A lot of stuff was going on down there at the time. Maybe I did feel it and I didn't realize it.

Speaker 2 Well, I think you did feel it, which is why it was racehorse, as you say, territory. It probably made it better.

Speaker 6 I don't really want to admit that, but

Speaker 1 it is. It is.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 1 Wow. Oh, Susie, what an experience.

Speaker 1 We are supported by Audible. You know, I spend a lot of time listening.
It's literally my job. But when I'm not recording the show, I'm constantly consuming audio content.

Speaker 1 And honestly, I can get pretty overwhelmed by all the choices out there. That's why I love when Audible drops their best of the year collection.

Speaker 1 Audible's most anticipated collection, the best of 2025, is here. And let me tell you, these editors know what they're doing.

Speaker 1 They've spent countless hours listening, having heated debates, probably way more heated than Monica and I get, although that's hard to imagine.

Speaker 1 And they have handpicked hand-picked this year's must listens. What I really appreciate is that they don't just go for the obvious picks.
They've found hidden gems alongside the buzziest new releases.

Speaker 1 Whether you're into true crime like Monica, historical biographies like me, or something completely different, this collection has your back.

Speaker 1 I've already started diving into their selection and honestly, it's like having a really smart friend curate your entire listening experience. Want to finish the year with a sure thing?

Speaker 1 Check out Audible's best of 2025 and discover why there's more to imagine when you listen. Listen now.
Go to audible.com slash best of the year.

Speaker 1 We are supported by T-Mobile 5G home internet. Like everyone, home internet is our life, and there's nothing worse than when it slows down.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know, especially when you're doing something important like editing this show.

Speaker 1 Well, actually, there's one worse thing, waiting around all day for the cable guy to show up to install it.

Speaker 2 I want those five hours back.

Speaker 1 Fortunately, T-Mobile's got home internet. They have fast speeds and it sets up easily in 15 minutes with just one cord.

Speaker 2 Anyone can do it. Even me.

Speaker 1 Hey, we were first in on T-Mobile's home internet. We were using it up in the attic.
Yeah. If you recall.

Speaker 2 It powers this very show.

Speaker 1 Yes, it's so reliable. And when you've got a podcast full of valuable insights about human nature and poop jokes, you need that.

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Speaker 1 This show is sponsored by Liquid IV. You know what? I've been feeling it lately.
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Speaker 6 Like, the best way I can describe it is: you know, if you're carrying a glass jar of marinara sauce, oh, yeah, and you drop it and it explodes, the scene that it happens, there's marinara sauce all on the floor, but there's still splatters everywhere.

Speaker 1 Yeah, spatter analysis like they do in a murder scene. Holy shit.
Oh, wow. You covered the room.
You painted the room, as they say. And what's your first thought?

Speaker 6 This is not happening.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Sure.
Denial.

Speaker 6 I'm still sick. My nose is still congested.
I don't know if it smells or not.

Speaker 1 Oh, sure.

Speaker 6 And he's still confused. He's like, are we still going or what?

Speaker 1 So I'm just like, no,

Speaker 1 stop.

Speaker 6 I put my hand over his eyes and his nose. I think at this point, he thinks that I must be like on my period or something.
And I don't want him to see it. He still doesn't know that I just shit.

Speaker 1 That there was an explosion.

Speaker 2 Did you consider saying, oh my God, babe, you shit everywhere.

Speaker 1 Jack. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Totally.

Speaker 1 Straight up into my asshole and then out of my asshole.

Speaker 2 But wow, buddy, you really got it everywhere, but it's okay.

Speaker 1 Good job, Jack. No.

Speaker 6 It definitely would have been more likely to be him than me, but I don't think he would have believed that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, you got a real issue on your hands because I imagine your goal now is to somehow escort him out of this room and clean it up and he never sees a thing yes in the back of my mind also this was supposed to be just a quickie my parents are gonna be

Speaker 1 soon from work god

Speaker 2 it's a disaster

Speaker 6 oh my god i'm so stressed his eyes and nose is covered i help him off the bed We're both naked, covered in shit.

Speaker 1 I walk him across the hall into the bathroom.

Speaker 6 I help him into the shower.

Speaker 2 Okay, he's doing the right thing. He's letting you do all

Speaker 6 the whole time. He's like, what's going on? Just uncover my eyes.
I'm like, nope, just trust me. You don't want to see this.

Speaker 6 And as I'm turning on the shower, I hear my dogs running up the stairs.

Speaker 1 Okay. They're getting curious.
Yes, they smell it.

Speaker 6 So I have to decide, am I going to clean him off? or stop this message.

Speaker 1 No, you got to get in there because they're going to track it all over the house.

Speaker 6 And mind you, upstairs is all carpet.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 1 This is as bad of a scenario as you can get yourself into.

Speaker 6 Yeah, so I decide I'm going to leave Jack. I say, Jack, just keep your eyes closed.

Speaker 1 Just try to clean yourself off the best you can with your eyes closed.

Speaker 6 I got to go do something else. And as I'm running back to my room to get my dogs, I just hear him yell,

Speaker 6 my God, is shit over me?

Speaker 1 And then he starts throwing up. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Hear him, yeah. No,

Speaker 1 it's like I wrote this scene.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. I wish he shit himself somehow.
Like it led to just a whole collapse. Yeah, that would make me feel a lot better if we both did it.
Oh, wow. So he's dryheaving in the shower.

Speaker 1 Now, what's happening with the dogs? Have they gotten there?

Speaker 6 Thankfully, I stopped them in time. They were just sniffing, but I kicked them out of the room and I closed the door.
And now I am just like standing in shock at what my body had just done to me.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you're also like, where do I begin? Do I clean myself up, put on clothes in case parents come home, then begin cleaning? Do I start cleaning now while I'm still naked?

Speaker 6 I decided I was just going to rip the sheets off of my bed and I hid them in the closet. I had baby wipes sitting in my room.
So I just started wiping everything down.

Speaker 6 I can't smell, but I assume it's smelly. So I open the windows, light the candles, but it's still just so bad.

Speaker 6 I am quickly realizing I'm not going to get it cleaned up in time before Jack gets out of the shower. So I grab all of his stuff and I throw it out in the hallway.

Speaker 6 I hear him turn off the shower. He took a really quick shower.
He should have taken a lot longer to clean himself off.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Jack, take your your time we need a little time right now i just throw on a big shirt just to cover myself up and i meet him out in the hallway and he's just confused he's like what happened like are you okay and he was like you don't need to be embarrassed it's okay and i was just so mortified after he threw up everywhere that wasn't his choice you don't choose to throw up he's not like you know what i'm gonna throw up right now whatever i'm just saying you can't then say don't be embarrassed after you're of course gonna be embarrassed but he regrouped and he got himself together, and he knew I got to support her now.

Speaker 6 He also might have put two and two together. Oh, she's still sick.
He should have just not even asked me to do it.

Speaker 1 He's learned his lesson now.

Speaker 6 I just tell him, you need to get dressed right here in the hallway. I brought all of your stuff out of my room, and you're leaving as soon as you get dressed.

Speaker 6 Like, I kicked him out, and as I was shoving him out of the door, I told him, We never ever speak of this ever again. This never happens.

Speaker 6 Goodbye. Love you.

Speaker 1 Please leave.

Speaker 1 Okay, wait.

Speaker 2 Did he hold true to that?

Speaker 6 Yeah, we still haven't talked about it. He doesn't even know that I'm talking to you guys about it.

Speaker 1 That's why

Speaker 1 we're going to use some fake names. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I've actually only told my sister about it.

Speaker 2 What a story, though. I bet so many people have done this.

Speaker 6 I've listened to the previous poop episodes.

Speaker 6 I honestly think this is karma because the whole time I was listening to those, I was like, I can't believe so many people just can't control their bowel movements.

Speaker 1 Yeah, be careful who you judge. That's the lesson of this story.

Speaker 6 And it gets a little worse because I realize that now I'm still covered in shit. Right.
I get in the shower. Now I'm thinking this bodily fluid, what do you call it, Daxhenius?

Speaker 1 Oh, Hanus.

Speaker 1 Hanus. Yeah, Hanus.

Speaker 6 The Hanus has made its way back inside of me.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 6 That's why we could feel that it was extra wet down there.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so far. It's very close.

Speaker 2 This is the worst UTI ever.

Speaker 6 I cleaned myself really, really well. I ended up not getting UTI or a yeast infection, but I was very paranoid.

Speaker 1 Wow. Well, you dodged a bullet.
And I'm glad. The gods just wanted to smite you a little bit for being judgmental, but they didn't want to give you a continued condition.

Speaker 6 Thankful that's the only time it's happened.

Speaker 1 Knock on wood. Literally knock on wood right now.
So I bet you'll probably never have sex if you're sick again.

Speaker 6 No, I've had a cold like the last two weeks and we haven't done it at all. I'm not risking it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You just can't roll the dice. Yeah.
It's like, you know, once your body betrays you that way, rebuilding trust takes a while.

Speaker 6 Yeah. But shout out to my sister because I was calling her as I was cleaning everything up

Speaker 6 because I needed some emotional support to like process what just happened.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 And instead of like telling me everything's going to be okay,

Speaker 6 she bursts out laughing. She was like, oh my God, this is such an armchair story.

Speaker 1 You totally have to submit this. Oh, that's good.

Speaker 6 We already planned this as it was happening.

Speaker 1 Good. Your sister's got her head in the right place.
That's right.

Speaker 6 Yeah. She's the one that introduced me to you guys.

Speaker 1 Well, listen to me, Susie Q.

Speaker 1 This is in the running for the best one I've ever seen.

Speaker 2 This is really fantastic.

Speaker 1 The fact that it was all over the room is so powerful.

Speaker 2 The marinara analogy was really good. I can picture that.
You know, how it gets like behind the stove. How does it get behind the stove? It's so confusing.

Speaker 1 Now, you guys, the marinara is great, but of course, I went in my head too.

Speaker 1 If you can imagine putting a one-gallon can of paint on a stool and then taking a sledgehammer and just fucking smashing it, that to me is what I'm seeing. That amount of spatter and yeah.

Speaker 6 I think that's pretty accurate, except to give you a little bit of TMI,

Speaker 6 the consistency matched marinara.

Speaker 1 Right, okay, right. That makes sense, right? Right, right.
Okay, so well,

Speaker 1 this is a 20 out of 10.

Speaker 2 Yeah, oh, what a good one!

Speaker 1 I'm very proud of you.

Speaker 6 This is like therapy for me. I'm too embarrassed to tell anybody else, aside from my sister that just mocked me.
So I'm glad I got to tell you guys, too.

Speaker 1 I promise you, many, many people are going to go, oh, thank God. I'm not the only one.

Speaker 2 They feel seen.

Speaker 1 This is the power of sharing trauma.

Speaker 6 Yes. I'm glad I could heal other people's trauma.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy. Well, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
That was spectacular.

Speaker 6 Thank you guys for letting me share. It's so awesome seeing Dax's chair in person.

Speaker 6 Nice meeting you guys. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You too. You too.

Speaker 2 Have a great rest of your day. Bye.

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Wow.
That was a spectacular one.

Speaker 2 That was a big one.

Speaker 1 I think even if you have a pretty good appetite for these kind of stories, that one's going to test some people.

Speaker 2 Well, it's scary, too. It's like you just never know.

Speaker 1 You don't.

Speaker 2 Her stomach didn't even hurt.

Speaker 1 Right. It was her larynx.
Oof.

Speaker 2 You sent me a video of a woman shitting at a grocery store and it's epic.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's a gal in thin cotton, kind of baggy, but short shorts.
It's a CC TV. It's like being filmed in the grocery store.

Speaker 1 And she rounds this, it's either a frozen food, like one of those up-to-your-waist frozen foods.

Speaker 2 They're like ice box, so like open ice box.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like an island in a kitchen kind of a situation, but it's like probably three feet off the ground. And she comes around the corner and she just quickly squats.

Speaker 1 She takes her terry cloth shorts, pulls them to the side, and does a squirt like a goose.

Speaker 2 It's so disgusting.

Speaker 1 It's so foul, but it's not quite Hanus, Hanus. It's in between.

Speaker 1 And then she just gets right up and strolls away. You and I luckily had the same conclusion, which is like, no way, that's the first time.

Speaker 1 it was so practice so much muscle memory like the way she squatted got that thing to the side squirt and then stood up and walked away i was like oh my god she's doing this all the time i think maybe she is the one that did it at the dining hall oh she could have she could probably do it while walking

Speaker 1 hi oh my goodness how are you to be honest i'm thrilled and also extremely nervous of course let's forget that that's coming and let's first talk about the fact that this is a ding ding ding for monica and i because we were just talking about the dreamiest hair that that her baby could have.

Speaker 1 And you literally have what we were both at least, this is exactly what I was thinking.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 1 This is the most gorgeous hair a human can have.

Speaker 4 That has made my entire 2024. I appreciate that.
As a little girl, I did not love my hair. And so just hearing you say that does something like deep for my soul.
So thank you.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a good thing. Dark ringlets like that are just the most

Speaker 1 beautiful.

Speaker 2 Do you have dimples too?

Speaker 4 I have like a little dimple of freckles.

Speaker 1 Stop.

Speaker 1 The other piece of the puzzle for Monica was dimples.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I said, if I'm designing my kid, I'm making them have dimples and I'm making you.

Speaker 1 How exciting.

Speaker 4 Monica, I give you permission to adopt me today.

Speaker 1 I can't wait.

Speaker 4 A lot of things in childhood I didn't love about myself and I've grown to love. So thank you.

Speaker 1 Yay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I was just talking to my daughter about this. She was telling me people have freckle filters now.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, that's so crazy because people with freckles hate freckles and people without freckles want freckles.

Speaker 1 And I said you know the headline is you want what you don't have absolutely okay stash walk us through this very human experience there's nothing to be nervous about anyone who says they haven't shit their pants is a liar no because I hadn't until recently so now it would be a lie so yeah you're right I'm hoping that hearing more and more of these stories gives you a lot of empowerment to one day share yours because we're all on the edge of our seats.

Speaker 1 People really in the comments were like, what are you talking about? We're not going to hear every detail of this.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we need all the nitty-gritty i will share and the fact that this is how i have to meet you all i'm like

Speaker 4 here it is so i'm in nashville tennessee this unauthorized evacuation takes place just south of nashville in murfreesboro tennessee to really set the scene this was the summer of 2008 i was 17 and i was working at my job baskin robbins yeah girl 31 flavors now 32.

Speaker 4 it's a lot of flavors to keep up with you i loved it this specific baskin robbins was very popular for two main reasons one it was the only ice cream shop in that side of town and then two we were right off one of tennessee's most trafficked interstate so we had a lot of local customers that would come in a lot of regulars and then we also had a good amount of travelers and passerbys that would pop in through our drive-through and head on their merry way.

Speaker 4 So it was a summer shift, a hot Tennessee summer. People are at the ice cream shop getting their goodies.
It was me and three other high schoolers running this whole place. Of course.

Speaker 4 Why give this much responsibility to high schoolers?

Speaker 1 I always say this when I go back home to Michigan. I'm reminded that young people run everything back in Michigan.
So you go to a dairy queen, there's sometimes there's no one there over 14.

Speaker 4 Just not setting anyone up for success. So I was 17 and I was the shift leader, meaning I had full responsibility of the store.

Speaker 1 Even the manager, basically. General manager.

Speaker 4 Yeah, assistant to the regional manager at this point. And so we had a busy summer shift, as we always do.
And it had just been relentless back to back orders for about an hour.

Speaker 4 And me and the girls, we are just kind of pushing through. We're all miserable.
We've had angry customers. We've not had a break and just more and more people keep flooding in.

Speaker 4 So our entire front lobby was filled with people enjoying their ice cream and a long line that had started to form. And our drive-through had also been pretty backed up.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's a nightmare.

Speaker 4 We're all covered in like ice cream drippings. sticky whipped cream.
You just live sticky, not in the sexy, like, I got whipped cream and then you chop it on me. It's just like the gross way.

Speaker 4 So it is a busy time. We've been back to back.
We've not had a break. To make this day even worse, I had just started my period that day.
And girls know, first day of your period, you're crampy.

Speaker 4 You get like weird hot flashes and heat flashes as like you're dealing with pain. It was one of those days and we just had no break.

Speaker 4 And so we are all trudging through and all of a sudden we hear a big collective gasp in the front of the store.

Speaker 4 And we all kind of turned and look and hear crying from a little boy and he had dropped his milkshake all over the front part of the lobby.

Speaker 4 So on top of like an entirely packed store, we had a huge chaotic milkshake mess. We all take a collective sigh, the girls and I, and I quickly come up with a plan.

Speaker 4 I'm like, you're gonna cover drive-through, don't let that drop. You make him a new milkshake and you just man the front as best you can.
I'll clean up this mess. So I walk to the back to get the mop.

Speaker 4 Another one of these like hot flashes come on and I'm I'm just feeling really overheated.

Speaker 4 So, I go into our walk-in freezer to just trying to collect myself before I go out there and clean up this mess. I walk into the freezer.
I'm on the borderline of tears.

Speaker 4 I'm just about to lose my shit. And I just tell myself, just like, suck it up.
Let's cool down. I'm still having trouble cooling down from this hot flash.
And I say, you got to get back out there.

Speaker 4 I open the freezer door. I go to the mop bucket, bend over to turn on the mop water.
And as soon as I do,

Speaker 1 a fart comes roaring out. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Again,

Speaker 4 period gurgling of the stuff.

Speaker 2 It makes up your whole system.

Speaker 1 Guys, I was on the verge of asking what it felt inappropriate. I'm like, doesn't the period also you often have some butts?

Speaker 4 Yes. There's all kinds of things happening.

Speaker 2 The cramping and the system's a mess.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's in disarray.

Speaker 4 The hot flashes were probably the first sign. I just didn't realize that.
And so I immediately realized what has happened as I go to turn on this water.

Speaker 4 And just my instinct was to like put my hand on the back of my pants. Yep.
And as soon as I did that, there was liquid

Speaker 4 all over my hand. And I am panicking on what to do.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. Cause you already have this fire burning at the front of the store.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. It's chaotic, really important.

Speaker 4 Baskin Robbins had a very specific uniform you had to wear. You had your visor, you had a blue shirt, and you had khaki pants.

Speaker 1 No. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Worst color imaginable.

Speaker 4 Because it was summer. It wasn't khaki pants.
It was khaki shorts. Oh,

Speaker 1 I'm like, what am I going to do?

Speaker 4 So I'm just panicking. I have shit all over my left hand.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 4 I'm like, I have got to get to the bathroom. The only way to get to the bathroom was to go back out through the ice cream bar, through the front lobby, over the milkshake, into our bathroom.

Speaker 1 You'll walk right by the problem where people are going to be like, hey, what's she doing?

Speaker 4 I had to enter the chaos. And so I don't make eye contact with anyone.
I'm just sprinting as fast as I can and I get to the bathroom and someone is in there.

Speaker 1 No, why?

Speaker 1 Why? This tastes too much.

Speaker 2 Wait, is the milkshake chocolate?

Speaker 4 I actually don't remember the color. I want to say mint chocolate chip because that's just like seared in my brain, but I don't know.

Speaker 2 Because I think I might have like gone to the milkshake and slipped

Speaker 1 and gotten it all over my pants. And then, you know.
If you were doing your best thinking and you weren't panicked in your amygdala, you probably could put all that together. That would be the move.

Speaker 1 come out with the mock bucket and then just whoa

Speaker 1 no you're all but you're screaming like oh no i'm falling but you sit yeah and honestly that was something i would have done that is my personality but my executive functioning was closed down yes yeah yeah so

Speaker 4 i am at the bathroom i just immediately turn my back to the wall so no one can see me and i'm waiting there for a few minutes and that's when the smell really starts hitting me

Speaker 4 i'm like this is really really bad I genuinely close my eyes like an ostracis just praying no one can see me as if that's gonna help I finally get into the bathroom. I just take my pants down.

Speaker 4 I got to assess the damage and it was as bad as I had expected. I go to start washing my shorts in the sink as if that's the only thing I can do.

Speaker 4 And quickly realized that that was also probably not a great move because this is not like khaki material. This is like some Walmart or Kmart hybrid fabric.

Speaker 4 So I just now have very wet shorts and a brown stained short.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 And what about your underwear? Like, are you out in the Baskin-Robbins, like, make it?

Speaker 4 How are are you washing your pants i do remember i was in a thong and had a tampon this is way too much information but i remember

Speaker 1 these are all the details

Speaker 4 essentially butt naked and washing and i had to put the shorts back on and i was like okay what am i gonna do after i put these shorts back on because they're visibly now wet because they're khaki they're visibly wet and they're still visibly like brown there's no soap in there to scrub i've ruined them i've ruined my entire existence i'm like i've got to just get back to the back room, get my keys, and I'm just going to drive home.

Speaker 4 I'm not going to clean up the milkshake. I've got to get out of here.

Speaker 4 I D-line it out of the bathroom. It smells horrific.
It's very clear somebody's had like some things going on.

Speaker 4 I go through the lobby, I hop over the milkshake mess. It's still chaotic out there, and I just grab my keys.
I don't tell my coworkers, I don't tell anyone. I just go to get in my car.

Speaker 4 Now, the fun part about this is actually probably what's seared in my brain the most is it is a hot Tennessee summer. So it is probably 100 degrees out.

Speaker 4 I had a super old clunker had a 1992 Ford Explorer, and it had like weird leather seats in there. So I get into my car and I'm getting second-degree burns sitting on this searing leather.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And none of my windows go down. My passenger side window will roll down, but no other windows roll down.
And I don't have working AC.

Speaker 4 So I'm sitting in my hot shit pants with my legs burning, no ventilation.

Speaker 4 And our drive-thru is backed up. So I'm not really able to like get out of our parking spot.
So I'm just sitting there. Finally get home.
I shower, I change, I clean off my car, go back to work.

Speaker 4 And I was just like, maybe they won't notice that I was. Oh, you went back.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 4 I did go back.

Speaker 4 The rush had died down. And I will never forget a girl I was working with.
Her name was Courtney. She just looked at me and she's like, what the hell? And I was like, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 4 I had a period accident. I felt like that would get me out of it.
And she was like, okay, didn't mention it at all. And so I got out of it.
I lied to her.

Speaker 4 So that was my unauthorized evacuation.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 That could have also been under the heading like tell us about the worst day yes i was gonna but we had a heading that was like alexander's no bad very whatever that one we did that once this could have definitely been that i thought the same thing too many things going wrong at once perfect storm and you know i wouldn't have had to go out there if the milkshake hadn't have fallen that's why i like this prompt you deal with people dying in your life that's horrendous there's all these things you deal with but i would argue you'll never experience anything on planet earth that's as bad as having a pants full of shit and trying to figure out how the fuck to get out of the situation.

Speaker 1 That's That's about as high stakes as it gets.

Speaker 4 All my friends know this story. I have chosen to own it as an adult.
I was like, if I get a chance to meet Dax and Monica, it's worth telling millions of people.

Speaker 1 Well, it's also a character builder. It is.
Because you really find out what you're made of and you find out I can survive.

Speaker 2 You also just feel more human than you've ever, or more animalistic than you've ever. More Tonka-esque.
Yeah. I was also on my period during my incident.

Speaker 4 So, Monica, you just say, is a period accident, not

Speaker 4 accident. And you should tell us.

Speaker 1 That's okay.

Speaker 2 I'll TBD on that.

Speaker 4 I want to just have my cringe moment.

Speaker 4 I know all the armchairs have to express gratitude, but you guys really did a good job reflecting on this in the Lisa Kudreu fact check recently about how do you accurately and adequately share your appreciation with like people you've admired from afar?

Speaker 4 And I don't know if I'm going to do it correctly, but I do want to name just like deep gratitude for both of you. Just one, who y'all are, and two, the work you put into the world.

Speaker 4 Monica, as a brown girl who's lived and born and raised in the south, the way you have chosen to share vulnerably about that experience on such a wide platform has helped this little brown girl feel really seen.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's so happy.

Speaker 4 And it's something I don't think a lot of people who don't experience that understand how important it is. And you bring light to it in the small moments and in the big moments, how it shows up.

Speaker 4 So thank you for choosing to share that. You're just such a beautiful soul, and I really appreciate you.

Speaker 1 Oh, thanks.

Speaker 1 First of all, A.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you nailed it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm a little welled up.

Speaker 2 So much better than any other.

Speaker 1 I mean, of course, it's her compliment. Well, it's her compliments.
It's probably easier for me to hear, but yes, that was great.

Speaker 4 Well, thank you. And Dax, I have an equally, like, hopefully heartfelt one for you.
We have a lot in common in our upbringing. I had multiple stepfathers.

Speaker 4 Addiction, alcoholism, abuse was part of my childhood, and it kept my father from being able to have an active role in my life. He struggled with sobriety.

Speaker 4 It ultimately killed him at a very young age. So I never got to have a relationship with him.
And I've worked really hard to change generational patterns. And I see that you have too.

Speaker 4 And I might cry at this part, but seeing how much you love your girls and how much

Speaker 4 you choose sobriety every day

Speaker 4 for them brings my heart so much joy. I understand sobriety is not an easy thing to choose hour by hour.

Speaker 4 I've had to love a lot of addicts through my life and I know it is a hard decision and you doing it because you love your daughters and your family so much is such a beautiful gift.

Speaker 4 And as a hopefully generational change maker myself, I see that in you.

Speaker 4 And you give me a lot of encouragement just in who you are and how you show up and how you actively fight against those survival tactics that we had to grow up with.

Speaker 1 You brought up my daughters and now there's tears streaming down my face.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.
Stacia, you deserved that. Yeah, you did.
You should have had a dad just like me. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Well, when I adopt you,

Speaker 1 you'll be my grandchild. Well, you'll be my grandchild at that point as well.
That's true. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll take it. But I'm raising my own daughter, as you can see, and it's been really healing.

Speaker 4 And I have a very full life now. And I'm super grateful for all that you've done.

Speaker 1 You've completely fucked me up. So, mission accomplished.
Thank you for listening to us.

Speaker 2 We do not deserve it.

Speaker 1 No, no, we are. You are incredible.

Speaker 4 You guys are wonderful, and I really appreciate who you are and the work you put out. I really do.

Speaker 1 I bet, guys. Well, thank you.
That was a really nice Christmas present to me, and I think to Monica.

Speaker 2 Yeah, thank you. All right.

Speaker 1 Well, I pray I bump into you in Tennessee.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I'm praying even harder.

Speaker 1 So hopefully we'll make it.

Speaker 1 All right. Great meeting you.
Bye. Bye.
Bye.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 boy, she got us, huh?

Speaker 2 She's very sweet.

Speaker 1 Every one of those stories. Those were

Speaker 2 big ones. Biggies, not a dud in the group.

Speaker 1 I don't ever want to go to the well too often, but I got to say, this prompt always delivers.

Speaker 2 It does, but if we heard it every week, I would be sick of it.

Speaker 1 And I think that's why you said I don't want to go to the well too much.

Speaker 2 This was great. They knocked it out.

Speaker 1 Knocked it out of the park.

Speaker 2 Thanks, Arm Cherry.

Speaker 1 All right. I love you.
Love you.

Speaker 1 Do you want to sing a tune or something? I'm going to have a theme song. Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay, great.

Speaker 1 We don't have a

Speaker 1 song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

Speaker 1 We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of Arm Cherries, we'll get some suggestions

Speaker 1 on the flyer rhyme dish.

Speaker 1 On the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy.

Speaker 1 Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app. or on Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 1 Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com wondry.com/slash survey.

Speaker 7 Hey there, Armcherries. Guess what? It's Mel Robbins.
I'm popping in here taking out my own ad.

Speaker 7 Holy cow, Dax, Monica, and I, I don't want this conversation to end, and I'm so glad you're here with us. And the other thing, I can't believe, Dax loves the Let Them Theory.

Speaker 7 He can't stop talking about it. I hope you're loving listening as much as I love having you here.

Speaker 7 And I also know since you love listening to Armchair Expert, you know what you're going to love listening to? The Let Them Theory audiobook. And guess who reads it?

Speaker 1 Me.

Speaker 7 And even if you've read the book, guess what? The audiobook is different. I tell different stories.
I riff, I cry. You're going to love it because it's going to feel like I'm right there next to you.

Speaker 7 We're in this together as we learn to stop controlling other people.

Speaker 7 So thanks again for listening to this episode of Armchair Expert and check out the audiobook version of the Let Them Theory, read by yours truly. Available now on Audible.

Speaker 7 You can even try it out for free with an Audible trial. Download the Audible app today.