Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman.
Hi. Hi.
Today we have our very favorite prompt. We try to use it sparingly, but every time we use it, I go, I don't know why we don't

use it more because this one somehow blew past episodes that can't be blown past.

I agree.

There's the potential that we heard the craziest story we've heard or the most shocking.

All is.

Yeah, yeah.

And also, this particular group of armchairs, all four were incredible.

They were incredible.

I'll be were dying. So we'll see.
But may you find your way to heaven. Take him into your heart.
In his name we pray. Oh, stop.
He has risen. Yeah, this one is fucking unhinged.
Can we say that? I guess we can't say crazy, but can we say unhinged? Yeah, it's so good. It's so, so good.
Please enjoy Potentially Our Best Unauthorized Evacuation. This episode is supported by FX's Dying for Sex starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate

Inspired by a true story

this series follows Molly

who after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis

decides to leave her husband

to explore the full breadth of her sexual desires

She gets the courage and support

to go on this sex quest

from her best friend Nikki

who stays by her side through it all

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Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow.

My life, I had them both.

But one thing you gotta know, I'm gonna keep on shining.

Hello.

Jonathan, are you standing on a box or are you six foot eight? You're close. I'm just north of 6'9".
Holy smokes. Congratulations.
You're above the doorframe. Thank you.
Worked on it my whole life. That's very exciting.
How many years did it take you to hit 6'9"? Probably 23, but I'm 33 now. And did you make use of this height? Did you do anything that lent itself? Did you play basketball or anything? I played basketball a little bit and then I stopped playing and then I lost everything.
So no. Wait, what do you mean you lost everything? The skills.
Oh, your skills. I tried to play basketball right now and tried to jump.
I'm pretty sure my knees would just evaporate. I'm excited to see how your height's going to impact the evacuation.
Oh, that's a great point. Yeah, it kind of raises the stakes.
It will. It plays an adjacent role.
Okay, great. Walk us through this unfortunate and fortunate event.
So it took place in 2010, 2011. I was a sophomore, junior in college.
That college is UMass Amherst. I live in Massachusetts.
And so one thing that school is known for is it's really big. There's a lot of people that go there.
And another thing is it's dining food is really good. It's like number one, number two in the country, at least when I was there.
Really? I was a student employee there. I worked at the largest dining common on the campus and I worked at the sushi station, which sounds pretty bougie, but the student employees would roll sushi.
And then I also worked, I think it was called teppanyaki. It's like a big flat top grill with thick noodles.
And I would just throw the noodles on through the veggies on it. There's a spicy paste called, I think it's like gochujang, probably saying that wrong, but I love it.
It's like a red taste, really good. And so I would make up a lot of that and then parcel it into just individual dishes and put them out and then students would come and grab them.
Jonathan, can I just, I know you probably get so sick of talking about your height, but what I'm immediately concerned about is that grill top was probably built for someone that was five, nine. I imagine cooking on that grill was probably terrible on your back.
Your back kill when you would have shifts. The first issue I faced was the fan hood overhead.
Oh, that would like take the It'd have a nice sharp corner on like the excess of it. And my freshman year took a nice head shot off that.
And then from there was very aware of its surroundings. Yeah.
You need to walk around with a helmet. Other reasons too.
But yeah, for sure. Okay.
I just, I got worried about you. Okay.
So you're popping noodles on this grill top. So my shift is always a dinner shift.
It was like four to nine and about half hour of renting my shift. I'd take my dinner.
Usually when, if I was working there, I'd make a big old plate of that noodles, load up on the gochujang cause I liked it. Go eat, come back to work, clean up, and then head back to my dorm.
And usually full disclosure, by the time I got back to my dorm, that's about time when the spice would make its way through and off I go clockwork so this night had my dinner went back to work and then was cleaning up and started to feel some grumbling inside and I thought we're okay we can finish up the shift and head home and clean up a little bit more and then we thought okay let's just be smart here let's be proactive let's go find the bathroom and head out. It was the end of the night.
So a lot of students were leaving. It was closing.
The bathroom was occupied near the front of the building. I said, that's fine.
We have an employee bathroom down opposite end of the whole building. So I head downstairs, employee entrance side.
There's the laundry room. There's the freezers where all the food's kept.
Hustle past all that. It's the end of the night.
That's's occupied too by some student employee you've just spent a lot of your time crossing this building at this point you're probably thinking like god damn it if i just headed home i might be there by now yep but i still need to like clock out and so at that point there's a little bit of panic not a lot yet so i start heading back the other way maybe that bathroom's now open obviously make it all the way back up the stairs it's not oh we're fully in a panic mode we start heading back downstairs and we're like all right maybe that one's gonna be open in my head we know it's not so we start thinking what's around me and earlier i walked past the laundry room oh we duck into the laundry room we close the door and we assess the situation. What's in here? What can I make use of?

There is like a sink, a washer, a dryer, a mop bucket, a trash bucket.

And we think, what would I cause the least collateral damage?

You're about to shit in public in a closet, but you're still a gentleman.

I'm not looking to ruin anyone else's day but mine.

Yeah.

But the decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options and the cork has been popped oh okay oh my god oh wow lava flows out oh hold on a second and you're staring at a bucket we're weighing decisions these are decisions to be made and they were not made in time it sounds like you had decision anxiety or decision fatigue but i also want to point out because i know you so well monica when you heard that the cork popped i felt like you got a little pq did you get it no no i did not i just i don't know i felt it kind of viscerally okay okay because when i talk it okay train left the station at this point mentally yeah and so i am very tall my pants inseam is 38 inches so i figured okay there's a lot of capacity here to be filled up and we're safe the damage is done the toothpaste is out of the tube and we're just like let's just go clock out hold on hold on hold on hold on no let's not just go clock out your pants are full of shit we want to lock the door somehow we want to turn them inside out get it in that bucket maybe i don't know we're going to try to mop up the inside of the washing machine there i might wash i might just spend the whole evening dealing with this but did you make any attempt to fasten the ends of your pants i shoved the bottom of the pant into the shoes so we're hopefully a self-contained system here okay this must be a smart school well he's system. There must be a smart school.
Well, he's smart. You can tell.
Yeah. Technically, I don't agree, but barely.
Wait, what color were the pants? Dark jeans. Okay, that's good.
That's what you want. You'd prefer black, but sure.
So, yeah, I go, clock out, and I make my way amongst the crowd to head out. It's still pretty busy, but I'm walking like a cowboy that just got off a long horse ride or something.
I'm trying to be nonchalant about it, but you know. Also, can I add again, I know I keep talking about your height, but it's like you're not able to blend in.
Whatever you're doing is going to be observed. If you got a crazy walk, people are going to be like, look at that tall guy with the crazy walk.
Also, your butt is like at most people's faces. That's where the danger comes in.
Really unfortunate for them at this point. Bad on a normal day.
Terrible today. So we're walking up the front stairs amongst the crowd.
We crossed 100 or so yards to my dorm room. We get upstairs, shower.
Those pants obviously destroyed. Threw them in the trash in the trash room immediately.
And went to bed. And at this point, I thought that's the end of the story.
But unfortunately, that's just part one. Oh, no.
Oh, wow. Part two, next day.
We fast forward to this shift again. I'm getting set up in the sushi area.
Some of the other student employees just like talking, say hi. We catch up.
And then one of them say, hey, did you hear about Mike? Mike is the guy who worked at the nearby station. And she starts laughing.
And she says, he broke his arm. And I say, I don't know why that's a funny bit of information to tell me but sure and she's like no he slipped and fell when leaving work last night and i was like i still understand why this is hilarious to you no no no he slipped on the stairs on poop i'm not about to take full blame for this because we don't know 100 that someone else didn't have a story right after this that's right plausible deniability well at first glance i was like this is crazy this is you it's your fault and now you're trying to shirk your responsibility but what i will say in your defense is other people ate the same noodles that fucked up your butt so maybe multiple people shit their

pants that day that's a good argument and you already said it's a huge school i don't think it was yours i just think if you have 46 000 students probably on any given day one or two people have shit i don't think it would have escaped the sock you would have noticed it Little morse of the shame, Pauline.

You don't know.

You fucking broke your co-worker's arm. noticed it.
A little morsel of shame Pauline out. You don't know.

You fucking broke your co-worker's arm.

What a left turn.

Allegedly. And he had to cast

up to his arm, like the right

angle cast for like a

couple months. Fuck, you

really got him. Oh no, and he probably wasn't able

to work. No, he's fine.

He's fine. He probably got a lot of attention, got a date.
Oh, if I and he probably wasn't able to work. No, he's fine.
He's fine. He's probably got a lot of attention,

got a date. Oh, if I

broke my arm on somebody's poop,

oof. Really quick, though, I have

follow-up questions. How did they know it was shit?

The smell and the look of it.

It was, like, on his shoe.

Oh, okay, that makes a lot of sense.

I bet people would have assumed someone brought a dog

in. But the dining common?

I'm trying to help you here.

I don't know why you're pushing back so hard. Oh, it was the stairs at the dining.
Oh, no, it's definitely you. No, it's you.
And I'm your defense attorney. I need you to shut up and let me paint the case for you.
Oh, my God. And by the way, we'll probably have a prompt in the future that's like, tell us about a crazy way you broke a bone.
We might talk tomorrow. Oh, let's write that down.
That's a great idea. That would be pretty funny.
Did you come clean? Oh, no. No, no, no.
First time anyone has heard this story in my life. My wife's here.
I said I got approved for the prompt. She's like, what prom? And I didn't answer.
She said, what prom?

At the end of this, would love to say hi, but we don't know what kind of face we're going to get.

Okay, it's all coming clear to me now.

Does he remind you as well of that great comedian?

He reminds me of Zach Woods.

Yep.

Do people tell you that?

Yeah.

That's flattering.

Oh, yeah.

He's hilarious.

Yeah, he's also really good looking.

Very good.

Okay.

Well, we'd love to talk to your wife. I want to see what kind of gal you wrangled with this wreckage in your past.
He's hilarious. Yeah, he's also really good looking.
Very good. Okay.
Well, we'd love to talk to your wife.

I want to see what kind of gal you wrangled with this wreckage in your past.

She's pretty cute.

He's going to lower his head to go.

Oh, my God.

He did have to.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Well, we heard him killing her.

We've never seen her.

Oh, it was a child.

Oh, yeah. Hi.
Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it's you guys hi there who's this cutie pie who's this little redhead she was wondering who daddy was talking to in the closet uh no one don't worry about it just a good story princess anna's husband that's who daddy's talking to big fans of frozen over here that carries a lot of weight in this house well you guys happy holidays what a great story he almost killed a man by shitting his pants he won't tell me anything i have to wait to listen oh this is exciting yeah don't i just ruined the plot twist did you guys meet in college no we actually met in high school didn't we're not high school sweethearts.
Correct. We reunited during

college. At a bar in your

hometown or at a reunion?

Actually, exactly. At a trivia.

Yeah, a little Irish bar in our hometown where

kids played trivia after high school

because they were living at home with their parents.

Can I say that's a great group.

If you're going to meet someone at a bar,

do it at a trivia night. I agree.

Put that degree to use. Yeah, we were pretty were pretty good too so we decided to get married do you guys continue to compete in trivia not as much we have two little ones now so it's harder to get out for trivia night yeah you're fucked for about seven more years it's a good trade off it is thanks for much.
All right. Take care, you guys.
All right. Bye-bye.
Bye. What a great little...
He was hilarious. We love him, right? Mm-hmm.
And we were just talking about redheads. I know.
That was weird. Little redheads.
Oh, I should ask if she had dimples. Hello? Hi.
Sorry. I don't know why my video's not working.
Let's get that video cracking.

What's happening?

You know, your voice without video accompaniment, you could be nine.

I was like, did Lincoln call? I get that a lot.

You'll have to guess how old I am.

Oh, this is a fun game, but I also want to see you.

You can try disconnecting and reconnecting.

Oh, Rob says disconnect and reconnect.

See if that works.

Okay, I'll be back.

Hopefully see you in a few.

I think she's going to be 29.

I think she's 72.

Oh.

She's 13.

I think she's six.

No wonder she can't figure out how to get the video to work.

She's six.

Well, if she's six, also an authorized authorized evacuation is, like, not that funny.

It's like, what one today?

Like, obvious.

That'd be funny if we had a baby call up.

I pulled my pants one minute ago.

I didn't want to give our Arm Cherries the if you know, you know tips. We sure do.
So they need to meet our new pal, Claude. While other AIs sound like robots, Claude just gets it with the emotional intelligence.
Whether I'm researching guests or refining my latest meal plan to get Brad Pitt's abs or looking for the best dating advice to give Monica, Claude is the fact checker in your pocket while you're in the armchair. Well, that's exciting for us.
I like having an extra companion. Welcome to the team, Claude.
You can try Claude for free now at Claude.com. That's C-L-A-U-D-E dot com.
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There you are! We can see you! Success! How's it going? good I feel like Monica was probably right while you were gone we guessed at your age I said 29 I said 13 I said 72 I turned 29 in a month holy shit congratulations Monica it's funny though lot of people are like, are you 12? Are you 14? Do you talk on the phone a lot for your job? No. Are you a mechanic? No, I'm a fly fishing guide, actually.
You are. Oh, that's so cool.
Where at? What state? Yes. Michigan.
Oh, guess? I would guess Wyoming. Montana.
I'm in Montana. Wow.
Don't fucking celebrate too hard. They're neighboring states.
They share many of the rivers. There's only like three options too.
That was really good. It's like the same.
Yeah, it could have been Idaho, Wyoming, or Montana. The 33% chance.
How long have you been doing that? Three years. I've lived here 11 years.
I came out here to go to college. And let me ask you this.
I don't want

names. I just want to know, have you had celebrity clients? Yes, we have.
Yeah. Celebrities love fly fishing.
The town I live in, apparently Jeff Bridges lives here and then John Mayer lives here as well. Oh, wow.
You've never seen either of them prowling the streets? I've seen John Mayer. Wow

At a bar

He goes downtown a lot

And then

I weirdly pass his house

On the river

Wow Neither of them prowling the street. I've seen John Mayer.
Wow. At a bar? He goes downtown a lot.
And then I weirdly pass his house on the river a lot. Okay, great.
Creepy. So let me ask you this, though.
Do you fly fish in the winter? No, I'm retired. Okay, so you take the winters off, I guess.
Yeah. Before I was a fly fishing guide, I was a wedding and event florist.
So I still do that freelance in the winter. Okay.
Do some people bounce back and forth between ski stuff and fly fishing? Yeah, I'm also a ski instructor. Oh my gosh.
I had a hunch. Real Jane of all trades.
Okay, let's talk shit. Set the scene for us.
What happened? I honestly, I had to reach out to some people because I think I blacked this out of my memory a little bit. Sure.
Brown out. That's what they call it.
I was a senior in high school, and I grew up in the Pacific Northwest. I was really big into soccer, so I traveled around a lot.
And then in the spring, soccer was pretty quiet, so I always did high school track. So it was the end of the season and it was the state track meet.
So select few of us, not the whole team made it to state and I made it on the four by 200 meter relay. That was the only event I qualified in.
For state, we traveled down south towards Seattle and it's fun to be on like a relay team for it because you're not in a solo event. You can like warm up together.
But I would notoriously get so anxious before track meets. Everyone's just watching you and you're kind of on your own and you're just sprinting as fast as you can.
So we're headed down south and I can feel my tummy, just a lot of nerves.

And the four by two is the first race at track meets.

This is different than any other track meet because it's high schools from all over the state.

Sometimes you go to track meets and it's just you and a few other teams.

But no, it was a full stadium and people were there to watch.

Wow.

We're getting warmed up.

We're wearing big sweats. It's pretty chilly.
And underneath, I'm wearing super tight compression shorts, you know, the really short ones and a little singlet top with my school's name on it. My stomach is just still not feeling great.
Can I ask a quick question? What had you eaten earlier that morning? My go-to before track beats was a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. Oh, wow.
Get a little acid, get a little protein. Carbs, but no fish for breakfast, nothing dicey.
Not that day, no. Okay, okay, okay.
They give you a warning like you have 10 minutes and I was the first leg. So I'm the one that gets in the blocks and then they shoot the gun and you start sprinting.

And everyone's really stoked. You can feel the energy in the stadium.
People are excited for

the first race. I'm still feeling weird.
I try to use the bathroom and I just write it off to nerves.

The moment you start running, it kind of disappears. And so they tell the runners to get

ready. So I take my sweats off and get in the starting blocks and i'm still like a little shaky but i actually feel okay when i tell me pains went away i feel like i'm relaxed and he says runners take your mark get set and then he fires the gun the moment the gun went off oh my god my body just released everything what oh great before you even got to run right on cue or probably simultaneous to you starting to exert yeah the gun goes off and in my head i'm like oh shit but it kind of let me get powered me i fucking took off well you probably got a shot of adrenaline like you've never had well and like i don't want anyone to see this i gotta run away right out of this stadium that's exactly what i was thinking blessing in disguise my shorts were navy but they're just skin tight so i can feel it coming down oh god oh no and if you had to guess No one's going to like this part, so I can feel it coming down.
Oh, God.

Oh, no.

And if you had to guess, no one's going to like this part, but I must know.

Consistency. If you had to guess at the volume, would you say there's like a pint glass in your shorts?

More or less.

About a pint glass?

Yeah.

Oh, there's a lot of pickles here.

I'm just going to keep sprinting.

I feel good now, right?

Of course.

Sure.

You got it all out. And I can feel my shorts are just soaking wet.
Oh, wow. It's just happening.
I try not to think about all the teams on the sidelines and then everyone in the stands. I just handed off the baton and sprinted right to the bathroom.
You did. You just ran right off the track.
But listen, you have the heart of a a champion i love that you didn't let that get in the way what would have stopping even done and everyone knows still about the poop what do they say like better to be quiet than open your mouth and confirm that you're dumb or something there's some fun saying about talking too much but in your case way better to roll the dice and think like people might be curious why you ran away or stay and let them know exactly what happened. Sadly, a lot of people saw what happened.
They did? They were able to see. Even though you were lightning fast? Well, how did you perform? It was great.
We got like fourth place, I think, which was huge for us. Oh, great.
So it was a good, good start. But my mom saw me run off and she actually came into the bathroom and I was just sitting in the stall.

And she went to the local Fred Meyers and got me some underwear and some pants and stuff.

Why didn't she just go grab your sweats?

No one knows what to do.

No, everyone's panicked.

Her little baby with her. I can only imagine how young you sounded when you were actually 17.
Like a fucking three-year-old in there. Oh my God, this is awful.
High school? Oh, how many people do you think were in attendance? There was quite a bit. Washington's a big state, so they were from all over and it was definitely filled up.
I just went home after that. My mom just drove me home.
You didn't stick around. You wanted to get out of there.
It was a little rough. Did people make fun of you after? Who all saw? A lot of my team noticed it because they're just watching me.
Yeah, you're the first person we've ever interviewed that shit themselves in front of a huge audience.

Like staring directly at them.

You're watching your body move.

Yeah.

And was there any follow-up with the team when you guys got back together?

Did it spread pretty quickly?

It spread pretty quickly.

Everyone was like, oh my gosh, are you okay?

They weren't making fun of me. But they were like, is that why you left? But duh.
God, people do not know what to say. Did you have a lover at the time? I did.
How did they feel? I don't think I ever told him. He wasn't there.
Sometimes this would spread through the whole school. Oh, in my school, the entire school would have known within an hour.
People have been like, do you hear team got fourth in states yeah well i heard one of our runners shit themselves i think grace and they're like oh cool but fourth place is great i feel like with cross country and long distance runners this happens yeah it's standard yeah there's numerous videos of marathoners coming across the line it is it's raining shit yeah yeah i'm really proud of You you kept your head in it you kept it floored i really admire it thank you yeah it was the little extra power i needed to finish that race well grace i love this story i look back on it fondly it's happened a few more times in my adult life i would imagine sometimes you're out on that boat for a long time fly fishing. Luckily, no poop stories.

We're going to knock on wood.

But waiters are ideal to shit yourself in.

You're wearing a toilet, basically.

I know of people that have had to throw their waiters away.

Sure.

Can I give a quick shout out to my two ladies that listen with me?

Of course.

Jenny and Abby, you guys are my girls.

And thanks for having me on, you guys.

Yes, this was so fun. Have a happy birthday.
Thank you. Bye.
Bye. Better to remain silent and be thoughtful than speak out and remove all doubt.
There it is. It doesn't really roll off the top.
Abraham Lincoln. Was it? Babe Lincoln.
Oh, it was this time? One of his quadrillion great quotes. He's like our Churchill.
No, but we've said that before and then it's never him. Well, he said, don't believe everything you read on the internet just because there's a picture with the quote next to it.
That's what Abe Lincoln said. He said that? Oh my God, he's ahead of his time.
Hi. Hi there.
What name are we going by today? I was hoping you guys would pick for me. Okay.
You look very much like my aunt and her name was Sue. That's not a popular name anymore.
Sue's cute. Is it okay? I think that's cute.
It's not really popular, but that's okay. I'll take it.
It's not popular, but it's cute. Yeah.
What about Susie? Like Susie Q's. Susie Q's Q.
I like that.

Yeah, that's a great hostess product.

Susie Q's.

Did you ever eat those, you guys?

You mean Swiss cake rolls?

I mean Susie Q's.

It was a bit of a chocolate dark devil's food cake, then a huge dumping filling of the Twinkie filling,

and then another chocolate long cake, rectangle.

Interesting.

Really good.

Okay, so we're going with Susie. Again, it's very promising that you want a fake name because hopefully that means this is hugely embarrassing.
That's the goal today. Yes, indeed it is.
Oh my God, I can't wait. Yes.
All right, hit us with it. Okay, so this summer I was sick.
I had an awful cold and then it turned into laryngitis. So I lost my voice.
When this happened, though, I was starting to get my voice back. I'm living at home with my parents while I'm at school.
It's a good thing to mention. I have a boyfriend.
We'll call him Jack. We both work nights.
So when he stays over at the house, we have the house to ourselves in the daytime. And so I want to say around four in the afternoon this day, Jack was in the mood for some sexy time.
I wasn't feeling 100% back, but felt well enough to proceed with the sexy time. Oh, my God.
Good, you're a trooper. So at the foot of my bed, I have a white wardrobe.
And then across the room, I have my closet. itoper so at the foot of my bed i have a white wardrobe and then across the room i have my closet so at the other end jack's head is at the end of the bed and i'm sitting on top of him and things are going very well great to the point where i reach my climax oh congratulations that's great almost immediately after that it started to feel very wet down there to the point where jack then stops and he asks did you squirt or something oh boy why is it so wet down there oh my god is he still your boyfriend he is okay can i pause you for one second I want to work through Monica's reaction.
Monica, don't you think that's preferred to, what's your shit? Like, at least it was sexy. I think he shouldn't mention it.
I will also say, at this point, he thinks he's done a very, very excellent job. Yes! He's proud of himself? That's even worse.
No, she just came like a racehorse, she just said, like a racehorse. Well, she didn't say that.
It was a little bit implied, but yeah. But now we know why.
Well, we're about to. Hold on.
Yeah, okay. But I'm him, right? I'm downstairs, and I see this wonderful climax, and then it's super wet.
I mean, that's a pretty natural conclusion is like, maybe she squirted. I understand that you might think it, but I don't think you should ask.
Well, you're in a trusting, loving relationship. Yeah.
Well, it didn't sound like it was a me. Did it bother you? I know what it is.
You did his voice and you made him sound like a dum-dum. I think that's what Monica's being figured.
Yeah, okay, yeah. I'm not very good at replicating his voice.
Maybe I should have practiced. You're five.
All right, so he asked you. Did you squirt? And then he said, why is it so wet? Well, I know you said, why is it so wet? I don't know why, but then I look behind me, and all I see is just brown everywhere.
Oh, God. So you sprayed.
Yeah. It's like my ass exploded all over us.
Oh my God. Oh, so you sprayed.
Yeah. It's like my asshole exploded all over us.
Oh, my God. I have white bed sheets, the white wardrobe.
It reached all the way across to my white closet doors. Oh, my God.
It exploded. Wait, hold on.
I'm shocked you didn't hear it. I had no idea it happened.

I didn't even feel it.

Right.

A lot of stuff was going on down there at the time.

Maybe I did feel it and I didn't realize.

Well, I think you did feel it, which is why it was racehorse, as you say, territory.

It probably made it better.

I don't really want to admit that.

But it is.

It is.

It is. Wow.
Oh, Susie, what an experience. We are supported by Mint Mobile.
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Quince.com slash Dax. Like the best way I can describe it is, you know, if you're carrying a glass jar of marinara sauce.
Oh, yeah. And you drop it and it explodes.
The scene that it happens, there's marinara sauce all on the floor, but there's still splatters everywhere. Yeah.
Spatter analysis like they do in a murder scene. Holy shit.
Wow. You covered the room.
You painted the room, as they say. And what's your first thought? This is not happening.
Yeah. Sure.
Denial. I'm still sick.
My nose is still congested. i don't know if it smells or not oh sure and he's still confused he's like are we still going or what so i'm just like no stop i put my hand over his eyes and his nose i think at this point he thinks that i must be like on my period or something and i don don't want him to see it.
He still doesn't know that I just shit. That there was an explosion.
Did you consider saying, oh, my God, babe, you shit everywhere. Jack.
Oh, my God. It's totally okay.
It's straight up into my asshole and then out of my asshole. But wow, buddy, you really got it everywhere.
But it's okay. Good job, Jack.
No, it definitely would have been more likely to be him than me, but I don't think he would have believed that. Okay.
Oh, you got a real issue on your hands because I imagine your goal now is to somehow escort him out of this room and clean it up and he never sees a thing. Yes, in the back of my mind also, this was supposed to to be just a quickie my parents are going to be coming home soon from work god it's a disaster oh my god i'm so stressed his eyes and nose is covered i help him off the bed we're both naked covered in shit.
I walk him across the hall into the bathroom. I help him into the shower.
Okay, he's doing the right thing. He's letting you do all this.
He's not like me. The whole time he's like, what's going on? Just uncover my eyes.
I'm like, nope, just trust me. You don't want to see this.
And as I'm turning on the shower, I hear my dogs running up the stairs. Okay.
They're getting curious. Yes.
They smell something. So I have to decide, am I going to clean him off or stop this mess from getting even worse? No, you got to get in there because they're going to track it all over the house.
And mind you, upstairs is all carpet. Oh, no.
This is as bad of a scenario as you can get yourself into yeah so i decide i'm gonna leave jack i say jack just keep your eyes closed just try to clean yourself off the best you can with your eyes closed i gotta go do something else and as i'm running back to my room to get my dogs. I just hear him yell, Oh my god! Is this shit

over me? something else and as i'm running back to my room to get my dogs i just hear him yell oh my god

and then he starts throwing up oh no no no no i hear him yeah it's like i wrote this scene wait a minute i wish he shit himself somehow like it led to just a full collapse yeah that would make me feel a lot better if we both did it wow so he's dry heaving in the shower now what's happening with the dogs have they gotten there thankfully i stopped them in time they were just sniffing but i kicked them out of the room and i closed the door and now i am just like standing in shock at what my body had just done to me yeah and you're also like where do i begin do i clean myself up put on clothes in case parents come home then begin cleaning do i start cleaning now while i'm still naked i decided i was just gonna rip the sheets off of my bed and i hid them in the closet. I had baby wipes sitting in my room.
So I just started wiping everything down. I can't smell, but I assume it's smelly.
So I opened the windows, light the candles, but it's still just so bad. I am quickly realizing I'm not going to get it cleaned up in time before Jack gets out of the shower.
So I grab all of his stuff and I throw it out in the hallway. I hear him turn off the shower.
He took a really quick shower. He should have taken a lot longer to clean himself off.
Yeah. Jack, take your time.
We need a little time right now. I just throw on a big shirt just to cover myself up.
And I meet him out in the hallway. And he's just confused.
He's like, what happened? Like, are you okay? And he was like, you don't need to be embarrassed. It's okay.
And I was just so mortified. After he threw up everywhere.
That wasn't his choice. You don't choose to throw up.
He's not like, you know what? I'm going to throw up right now. Whatever.
I'm just saying you can't then say don't be embarrassed after. You're of course going to be embarrassed.
But he regrouped and he got himself together and he knew I got to support her now. He also might have put two and two together.
Oh, she's still sick. He should have just not even asked me to do it.
He's learned his lesson now. I just tell him you need to get dressed right here in the hallway.
I brought all of your stuff out of my room and you're leaving as soon as you get dressed. Like I kicked him out.
And as I was shoving him out of the door, I told him we never, ever speak of this ever again. This never happened.
Goodbye. Love you.
Please leave. Okay, great.
Did he hold true to that? Yeah, we still haven't talked about it. He doesn't even know that I'm talking to you guys about it.
Oh, amazing. Hence why we're going to use some fake names.
Yeah. I've actually only told my sister about it.
What a story, though. I bet so many people have done this.
I've listened to the previous poop episodes. I honestly think this is karma because the whole time I was listening to those, I was like, I can't believe so many people just can't control their bowel movements.
Yeah, be careful who you judge. That's the lesson of this story.
And it gets a little worse because I realized that now I'm still covered in shit. Right.
I get in the shower. Now I'm thinking this bodily fluid, what do you call it? Dax Kineas? Oh, Hannes.
Hannes. Yeah, Hannes Rias.
The Hannes has made its way back inside of me. No.
Oh. That's why we could feel that it was extra wet down there.
Right. Oh, fuck.
Yes, of course. It's very close.
This is the worst UTI ever. I cleaned

myself really, really well. I ended up not getting UTI or a yeast infection, but I was very paranoid.

Wow. Well, you dodged a bullet.
And I'm glad. The gods just wanted to smite you a little bit

for being judgmental, but they didn't want to give you a continued condition.

Thankful that's the only time it's happened. Knock on wood.

Literally knock on wood right now.

So I bet you'll probably never have sex if you're sick again.

No, I've had a cold like the last two weeks and we haven't done it at all. I'm not risking it.
Yeah, you just can't roll the dice. Once your body betrays you that way, rebuilding trust takes a while.
Yeah, but shout out to my sister because I was calling her as I was cleaning everything up. Okay.
Because I needed some emotional support. Of course.
I needed to process what just happened. Yes.
And instead of telling me everything's going to be okay, she burst out laughing. She was like, oh, my God, this is such an armchair story.
You totally have to submit this. Oh, that's fantastic.
We already planned this as it was happening. Good.
Your sister's got her head in the right place. That's right.
Yeah, she's the one that introduced me to you guys. Well, listen to me, Susie Q.
This is in the running for the best one I've ever heard. This is really fantastic.
The fact that it was all over the room is so powerful. The marinara analogy was really good.
I can picture that. You know, how it gets like behind the stove.
How does it get behind the stove? It's so confusing. Now, you guys, the marinara is great.
But of course, I went in my head to, if you can imagine putting a one gallon can of paint on a stool and then taking a sledgehammer and just fucking smashing it. That to me is what I'm seeing.
That amount of spatter and yeah. I think that's pretty accurate, except to give you a little bit of TMI, the consistency matched marinara sauce.
Right. Yeah.
That makes sense. Right.
Right. Right.
Okay. So, well, this is a 20 out of 10.
Yeah. Oh, what a good one.
Yeah. I'm very proud of you.
This is like therapy for me. I'm too embarrassed to tell anybody else aside from my sister that just mocked me.
So I'm glad I got to tell you guys too. I promise you many, many people are going, oh, thank God.
I'm not the only one. They feel seen.
This is the power of sharing trauma. Yes, I'm glad I could heal other people's trauma.
Oh boy. Well, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
That was spectacular. Thank you guys for letting me share.
It's so awesome seeing Dax's chair in person. Nice meeting you guys.
Yeah, you too. have a great rest of your day bye oh man wow that was spectacular that was a big one i think even if you have a pretty good appetite for these kind of stories that one's gonna test some people well it's scary too it's like you just never know you don't her stomach didn't even hurt larynx.
Oof. You sent me a video of a woman shitting at a grocery store.
Oh yeah. And it's epic.
Yeah, it's a gal in thin cotton, kind of baggy but short shorts. It's CCTV, it's like being filmed in the grocery store.
And she rounds this, it's either a frozen food, like one of those up to your waist frozen food like ice box like open ice box yeah it's like an island in a kitchen kind of a situation but it's like probably three feet off the ground and she comes around the corner and she just quickly squats she takes her terry cloth shorts pulls them to the side and does a squirt like a goose it's so disgusting it's so foul but it's not quite hones hones it's in between and then she just gets right up and strolls away you and i luckily had the same conclusion which is like no way that's the first time it was so practiced so much muscle memory like the way she squatted got that thing to the side squirt and then stood up and walked oh my God, she's doing this all the time, I think. Maybe she's the one that did it at the dining hall.
Oh, she could have. She could probably do it while walking.
Hi. Oh my goodness.
How are you? To be honest, I'm thrilled and also extremely nervous. Of course.
Let's forget that that's coming. And let's first talk about the fact that this is a ding, ding for Monica and I, because we were just talking about the dreamiest hair that her baby could have.
And you literally have what we were both. At least this is exactly what I was.
100%. This is the most gorgeous hair a human can have.
That has made my entire 2024. I appreciate that.
As a little girl, I did not love my hair. And so just hearing you say that does something like deep for my soul.
So thank you. Oh, it's incredible.
Dark ringlets like that are just the most beautiful. Do you have dimples too? I have like a little dimple, a little freckles.
Stop. The other piece of the puzzle for Monica was dimples.
Yeah. I said, if I'm designing my kid, I'm making them have dimples and making you.
How exciting. Monica, I give you permission to adopt me today.
Can't wait. A lot of things in childhood I didn't love about myself and I've grown to love.
So thank you. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I was just talking to my daughter about this. She was telling me people have freckle filters now.
And I'm like, that's so crazy because people with freckles hate freckles and people without freckles want freckles. And I said, you know, the headline is you want what you don't have.
Absolutely. Okay, Stacia, walk us through this very human experience.
There's nothing to be nervous about. Anyone who says they haven't shit their pants is a liar.
No, because I hadn't until recently. So now it would be a lot.
So yeah, you're right. I'm hoping that hearing more and more of these stories gives you a lot of empowerment to one day share yours because we're all on the edge of our seat oh people really in the comments were like what are you talking about we're not going to hear every detail of this yeah we need all the nitty gritty i will share and the fact that this is how i have to meet you all i'm like here it is so i'm So I'm in Nashville, Tennessee.
This unauthorized evacuation takes place just south of Nashville in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. To really set the scene, this was the summer of 2008.
I was 17 and I was working at my job, Baskin Robbins. Yeah, girl.
31 flavors, now 32. It's a lot of flavors to keep up with.
I loved it. This specific Baskin Robbins was very popular for two main reasons.
One, it was the only ice cream shop in that side of town. And then two, we were right off one of Tennessee's most trafficked interstate.
So we had a lot of local customers that would come in, a lot of regulars. And then we also had a good amount of travelers and passerbys that would pop in through our drive-thru and head on their merry way.
So it was a summer shift, a hot Tennessee summer. People are at the ice cream shop getting their goodies.
It was me and three other high schoolers running this whole place. Of course.
Why give this much responsibility to high schoolers? I always say this when I go back home to Michigan, I'm reminded that young people run everything back in Michigan. So you go to a Dairy Queen, sometimes there's no one there over 14.
Just not setting anyone up for success. So I was 17 and I was the shift leader, meaning I had full responsibility of the story.
You were the manager, basically. General manager.
Yeah, assistant to the regional manager at this point. And so we had a busy summer shift, as we always do.
And it had just been relentless back to back orders for about an hour. And me and the girls, we are just kind of pushing through.
We're all miserable. We've had angry customers.
We've not had a break and just more and more people keep flooding in. So our entire front lobby was filled with people enjoying their ice cream and a long line that had started to form.
And our drive-thru had also been pretty backed up. Ugh, that's a nightmare.
We're all covered in like ice cream drippings and sticky whipped cream. You just live sticky and not in the sexy like I got whipped cream and you drop it on me.
It's just like the gross way. So it is a busy time.
We've been back to back. We've not had a break.
To make this day even worse, I had just started my period my period that day and girls know first day of your period, you're crampy. You get like weird hot flashes and heat flashes as like you're dealing with pain.
It was one of those days and we just had no break. And so we're all trudging through and all of a sudden we hear a big collective gasp in the front of the store.
And we all kind of turned and look and hear crying from a little boy. And he had dropped his milkshake all over the front part of the lobby.
So on top of like an entirely packed store, we had a huge chaotic milkshake mess. We all take a collective sigh, the girls and I.
And I quickly come up with a plan. I'm like, you're going to cover drive-thru.
Don't let that drop. You make him a new milkshake and you just man the front as best you can.
I'll clean up this mess. So I walk to the back to get the mop.
Another one of these like hot flashes come on and I'm just feeling really overheated. So I go into our walk-in freezer to just try to collect myself before I go out there and clean up this mess.
I walk into the freezer. I'm on the borderline of tears.
I'm just about to lose my shit. And I just tell myself, just like, suck it up.
It's cool down. I'm still having trouble cooling down from this hot flash.
And I say, you got to get back out there. I open the freezer door.
I go to the mop bucket, bend over to turn on the mop water. And as soon as I do, a fart comes roaring out.
Oh, my God. Again, period gurgling of the stomach.
It fucks up your whole system. Guys, I was on the verge of asking, but it felt inappropriate.
I'm like, doesn't the period also, you often have some butt stuff on? Yes. There's all kinds of things happening.
Because the cramp cramping and the- The system's a mess. Yeah.
It's in disarray. The hot flashes were probably the first sign.
I just didn't realize that. And so I immediately realized what has happened as I go to turn on this water.
And just my instinct was to like put my hand on the back of my pants. Yep.
And as soon as I did that, there was liquid all over my hand. And i am panicking on what to do oh my god because you already have this fire burning at the front of the store oh my god it's chaotic really important baskin robbins had a very specific uniform you had to wear you had your visor you had a blue shirt and you had khaki pants oh no why worst color imaginable because it was summer it wasn't khaki pants it was khaki shorts.
No. Oh, no.
Worst color imaginable. Because it was summer.
It wasn't khaki pants. It was khaki shorts.
Oh. So I'm like, what am I going to do? So I'm just panicking.
I have shit all over my left hand. And I have got to get to the bathroom.
The only way to get to the bathroom was to go back out through the ice cream bar, through the front lobby, over the milkshake, into our bathroom. Yeah, walk right by the problem where people are going to be like, hey, what's she doing? I had to enter the chaos.
And so I don't make eye contact with anyone. I'm just sprinting as fast as I can.
And I get to the bathroom and someone is in there. No, why? Oh, why? This tastes too much.
Wait, is the milkshake chocolate? I actually don't remember the color. I want to say mint chocolate chip because that's just like seared in my brain, but I don't know.
Because I think I might have gone to the milkshake and slipped. Oh.
And gotten it all over my pants. And then, you know.
If you were doing your best thinking and you weren't panicked in your amygdala you probably could put all that together that would be the move come up with the mop bucket and then just whoa and you sit but you're screaming like oh no i'm falling but you sit yeah and honestly that was something i would have done that was my personality but my executive functioning was closed down yeah yeah so i am at the bathroom i just immediately turn my back to the wall so no one can see me. And I'm waiting there for a few minutes.
And that's when the smell really starts hitting me. I'm like, this is really, really bad.
I genuinely close my eyes like an ostrich, just praying no one can see me as if that's going to help. I finally get into the bathroom.
I just take my pants down. I got to assess the damage.
And it was as bad as I had expected. I go to start washing my shorts in the sink as if that's the only thing I can do.
And quickly realized that that was also probably not a great move because this is not like khaki material. This is like some Walmart or Kmart hybrid fabric.
So I just now have very wet shorts and a brown stained short. Oh, and what about your underwear? Like, are you out in the Baskin Robbins, like, naked? How are you washing your pants? I do remember I was in a thong and had a tampon.
This is way too much information. No, no.
These are all the details. I was standing, essentially butt naked, and washing, and I had to put the shorts back on.
And I was like, okay, what am I going to do after I put these shorts back on? Because they're visibly now wet, because they're khaki. They're visibly wet, and wet and they're still visibly like brown.
There's no soap in there to scrub. I've ruined them.
I've ruined my entire existence. I'm like, I've got to just get back to the back room, get my keys and I'm just going to drive home.
I'm not going to clean up the milkshake. I've got to get out of here.
I be-lined it on the bathroom. It smells horrific.
It's very clear somebody's had like some things going on. Some sickness, on.
I go through the lobby. I hop over the milkshake mess.
It's still chaotic out there. And I just grab my keys.
I don't tell my coworkers. I don't tell anyone.
I just go to get in my car. Now, the fun part about this is actually probably what's seared in my brain the most is it is a hot Tennessee summer.
So it is probably a hundred degrees out. I had a super old clunker had a 1992 Ford Explorer and it had like weird leather seats in there.
So I get into my car and I'm getting second degree burns sitting on this searing leather and none of my windows go down. My passenger side window will roll down, but no other windows roll down and I don't have working AC.
So I'm sitting in my hot shit pants with my legs burning, no ventilation. And our drive-through is backed up.
So I'm not really able to like get out of our parking spot. So I'm just sitting there.
Finally get home. I shower.
I change. I clean off my car, go back to work.
And I was just like, maybe they won't notice that I was gone. Oh, you went back.
Oh my God. I did go back.
The rush had died down and I will never forget a girl I was working with. Her name was Courtney.
She just looked at me and she's like, what the hell? And I was like, I'm so sorry. I had a period accident.
I felt like that would get me out of it. And she was like, okay, didn't mention it at all.
And so I got out of it. I lied to her.
So that was my unauthorized evacuation.authorized evacuation man that could have also been under the heading like tell us about the worst day yes i was gonna we had a heading that was like alexander's no bad very whatever that one we did that once this could have definitely been about i thought the same thing too many things going wrong at once perfect storm and you know i wouldn't have had to go out there if the milkshake hadn't fallen that's why i like this prompt you deal with people dying in your life that's horrendous there's all these things you deal with but i would argue you'll never experience anything on planet that's as bad as having a pants full of shit and trying to figure out how the fuck to get out of the situation that's about as high stakes as it gets all my friends know this story i have chosen to own it as an adult i was like if i get a chance to meet dax and Monica, it's worth telling millions of people. Well, it's also a character builder.
It is. You really find out what you're made of and you find out I can survive.
You also just feel more human than you've ever, or more animalistic than you've ever felt. More Tonka-esque.
Yeah. I was also on my period during my incident.
So Monica, you just say it's a period accident, not a shit accident. And you should tell us.
That's okay. I'll TBD on that.
I want to just have my cringe moment. I know all the arm cherries have to express gratitude, but you guys really did a good job reflecting on this in the Lisa Kudrow fact check recently about how do you accurately and adequately share your appreciation with people you've admired from afar.
And I don't know if I'm going to do it correctly, but I do want to name just like deep gratitude for both of you. Just one, who y'all are and two, the work you put into the world.
Monica, as a brown girl who's lived and born and raised in the South, the way you have chosen to share vulnerably about that experience on such a wide platform has helped this little brown girl feel really seen. Oh, that's so happy.
And it's something I don't think a lot of people who don't experience that understand how important it is. And you bring light to it in the small moments and in the big moments, how it shows up.
So thank you for choosing to share that. You're just such a beautiful soul.
And I really appreciate you. Oh, thanks.
First of all, a plus. Yeah, you nailed it.
I'm a little welled up. So yeah, much better than I mean, of course, it's her compliment.
Well, it's her compliments. It's probably easier for me to hear.
But yes, that was great. Well, thank you.
And Dax, I have an equally like hopefully heartfelt one for you. We have a lot in common in our upbringing.
I had multiple stepfathers, addictioniction, alcoholism, abuse was part of my childhood, and it kept my father from being able to have an active role in my life. He struggled with sobriety.
It ultimately killed him at a very young age, so I never got to have a relationship with him. And I've worked really hard to change generational patterns, and I see that you have too.
and I might cry at this part, but seeing how much you love your girls and how much you choose sobriety every day for them brings my heart so much joy. I understand sobriety is not an easy thing to choose hour by hour.
I've had to love a lot of addicts through my life. And I know it is a hard decision and you doing it because you love your daughters and your family so much is such a beautiful gift.
And as a hopefully generational change maker myself, I see that in you and you give me a lot of encouragement just in who you are and how you show up and how you actively fight against those survival tactics that we had to grow up with you brought up my daughters and now there's tears streaming down my face oh thank you thank you stacia you deserved that yeah you did we should have had a dad just like me thank you well when i adopt you you'll be my grandchild well you'll be my grandchild at that point as well. Oh, that's true.
Yeah. I'll take it.
But I'm raising my own daughter, as you can see.

Oh, you'll be my grandchild well you'll be my grandchild at that point as well yeah i'll take it but i'm raising my own daughter as you can see and it's really feeling i have a very full life now um and i'm super grateful for all that you've done you've completely fucked me up so mission accomplished thank you for listening to us we do not deserve you no're incredible. You guys are wonderful, and I really appreciate who you are and the work you put out.

I really do.

Right back at you.

Well, thank you.

That was a really nice Christmas present to me and I think to Monica.

Yeah, thank you.

All right.

Well, I pray I bump into you in Tennessee.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm praying even harder, so hopefully we'll make it happen.

All right.

Great meeting you.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, boy, she got us, huh? She's very sweet. Every one of those stories was dynamite.
Those were big ones. Biggies, not a dud in the group.
I don't ever want to go to the well too often, but I got to say this prompt always delivers. It does, but if we heard it every week, I would be sick of it.
That's why I said I don't want to go to the well too much. This was great.
They knocked it out. Knocked it out of the park.
Thanks, Arm Cherries. All right.
I love you. Love you.
Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh.
Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
We're going to with the help of armchairs we'll get some suggestions on the flyer rindish on the flyer rindish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wondry app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and Wondery app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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