Armchair Anonymous: Embarrassingly Caught

Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Mrs. Monica.
Hi there. Hi.
Today is embarrassingly caught. People caught doing embarrassing stuff.
This will get your mirror neurons firing. And the last one's hot.
Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah.
So a mix of embarrassing and hot. Those are the best kinds.
Please enjoy embarrassingly caught. We are supported by Discover.
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Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow.
for Pink Pill. Hi.
Hi there. Sabrina? Yes, this is she.
Nice to meet you. Okay, quick question.
You have the hanging shoe rack device that I also have on my closet door, but I can no longer shut my closet door. Do you have the same issue? Yeah, it's partly open.
That way I'm not claustrophobic either, so we're good. Where are you at? I am just outside of Denver in Aurora, Colorado.
So you were caught doing something embarrassing, which is just delightful for us and probably terrible for you. Yeah, it's terrible.
And I swore I would never tell the story right after it happened. And then I told a million people and here I am telling a million more.
This takes place a few years ago. I say a few years because it still haunts me, but it was probably more like nine or 10 years ago.
Okay. But I was in a bit of a housing limbo.
So I was looking for a place to stay for me and my son just to like save some money for a little bit until I got more of a permanent spot. So lucky for me, my cousin said that I could move in with her and her husband.
They were going to charge me next to nothing. But one of the stipulations there was that I had to cook for everybody in the house one night a week.
That's a good trade. Yeah, not a big deal.
I like cooking. Also a veiled compliment.
They want to eat your food. I mean, a lot of people would be asked not to cook.
Yeah, my cousin lived with them too. And that was the same rules.
And they really didn't want her to cook after. But this particular Tuesday, I was exhausted.
So I didn't want to cook. But I remember that I had a coupon for the Papa Murphy.
So I was just gonna go and get some pizza for everybody. I stopped by after work went up to the cash register, put in my order and then wasn't even thinking of it what I thought was the last window, and just faced my phone to them.
And then the cashier, his face got beet red. His eyes were like super wide.
I was tired. So I was like, I don't even know what's going on here.
What did you think you were showing him? Your coupon? Yeah, like 20% off because I thought it was the last window that I had. Then there was just moaning.
What? You started hearing what you had seen. Yeah, I heard just really loud moaning.
Oh, I thought you meant from him. Okay.
Someone was being very pleased and they were getting, you know, more than pizza. They were enjoying themselves.
My phone decided to just autoplay a porn that I was watching earlier. Uh-oh.
Oopsies. You hold it up to a young man at the register? Yeah.
Teenager. Oh my God.
You could like get in trouble. Yeah.
Let's not talk about that. He was 18 in a day.
For sure. That's what was playing.
And it was like loud and proud and super obvious, which is kind of frustrating because, you know, sometimes when you try to play videos for somebody, it just never plays and it's loading forever. But this was like autoplay, loud as fuck.
So I froze and then I grabbed my phone and then tried to turn it off. And of course you can't turn it off, right? It's impossible.
Like ads pop up and everything. It finally shuts off.
And the cashier, he was like, actually, we don't even take coupons on Tuesdays because it's like a buy one, get one deal anyway. So we don't have anything on top of it.
So I just showed him my phone, just the porn for like no reason. I was like, all right.
And then just silence. At that point, I kind of would have rather heard the moaning because the silence was just sick he chose and you chose we're not gonna address this absolutely not so that kind of made it more uncomfortable i wish there was like a little joke to cut the tension a little bit but he was a teenager so i mean i don't know how much you could joke with him and luckily i mean i was the only person in there that's a blessing yeah just waiting to package everything up and silence the whole time like a good solid five ten minutes he handed me the pizza and then just head down left i have never gone back to papa murphy's ever again not on tuesdays not on any day he definitely told everybody in the company that some old broad showed him her porn stash, basically.
Yeah, he could definitely end up responding to a prompt that was, tell us about something insane that happened at work. Totally.
I'll keep listening. Well, but here's how delusional and eager I am as a young man.
I would have thought like, okay, I see you're trying to let me know you are ready to party. That you did it on purpose.
Listen, we run another deal on Tuesday, which is I get off at six. Meet me out back.
Let's go 10 minutes. That was definitely an embarrassing moment and I swore I would never tell anybody and then proceeded to tell everybody in my life.
Okay. Now I have a follow-up question and it's very invasive.
So you can definitely choose not to answer it. But my curiosity is you were watching it on your phone at some point.
Yes. Is that something you did at work? I don't do it at work, but it could have been in the morning time.
Oh, sure. Sure.
Sure. De-stress before work kind of thing.
Yes. But it definitely taught me the lesson to use incognito mode on your phone so it doesn't autoplay.
Cautionary tale. Cautionary tale and a sponsor.
Let's tell them about. Top of my face.
Take advantage. Sorry that happened, but you gave him a gift.
Yeah, that was a gift. When you're a teenager and an attractive woman shows you her pornography, there's not much more you can ask for.
Especially at a boring ship. There was no one in there.
He's not even busy. I like that spin on it.
And then it got me here, right? It's a win across the board. Definitely.
Well, Sabrina, it's lovely meeting you. I know everybody says this, but I listen to you guys three times a week on the dot.
I work a morning shift. So you're the first voices I hear in the morning.
It's just really cool to actually get to talk to you guys. Well, thank you.
We're delighted you're listening to all of them. That's very flattering.

And please keep at it.

We're glad we got to chat with you.

Will do.

You guys take care.

Have a good rest of your day.

Yeah, I'd be so happy if that had happened to me at work as a teen.

I'm trying to think if I did any forward facing.

I didn't.

I worked for my dad, swindling people out of money for Hugs Not Drugs.

And then I worked for my mom all through high school.

Well, you worked at CPK. As an adult.
I would love it if at my host stand that it happened, for sure. But I think I'd like it more in high school.
And that's a very exciting ordeal in high school. Yeah.
Did anything ever get weird at the car thing? I had my job working for GM? Yeah. That's a good question.
We dealt with all these journalists. Every single automotive journalist in the country, we would work with pretty regularly.
Some of them I had really great relationships with, and they were really, really fun. But we had a woman in particular who was clearly a drug addict.
And we were constantly dropping off and picking up cars from her house. And yeah, it was pretty strange.
You never really knew what was going to happen when you, because you'd go up to their door, get the keys, and then take the thing away, maybe drop something off. And yeah, she would be in crazy outfits.
Sometimes the car would be parked half in the yard. There'd be weird things in the car.
And it was a little bit of a roulette. You always wondered what was going to be happening when you went and picked up this car.
And you also wondered, when is she going to total one of these cars? Sure. Yeah, that's not good.
You had a couple customer service-y jobs in high school, right? I was a gymnastics teacher. And then I worked for my aunt in her law firm.
That was it for high school. Well, law firm seems fertile for some shit.
Was she a litigator? Yeah, she did divorce and immigration. Okay.
Not like criminal defense. Because if you worked in an office that's specializing criminal defense i bet you have all the stories yeah dana i hope it's dana white can you hear me we can now we can hear you beautifully yay not dana white not sorry different dana i need to see more of your shirt it's.
Okay. It's great.
I just had to see the bottom half. I like it quite a bit.
It's snowing here. So it's bright and sunny on my sweater, but gray and snowy outside.
Where are you at? I'm in Northwest Indiana. So I'm on the border of Illinois and Indiana between like the dunes and Chicago.
Kind of by Gary a little bit? 20 minutes from Gary. So not far from Rob's old stomping grounds, but my old house, my backyard was Illinois and my front yard was Indiana.
Oh, wow. You could be part of that riddle.
If a plane crashes in your backyard, where do you bury the survivors? I don't know that, but it sounds like a good one. The punchline is you don't bury survivors, but you start thinking about should it be Indiana or Illinois and you get really bogged down in that.

Okay. So you have an embarrassing story, probably multiple embarrassing stories.
We all have many, but one in particular, you're going to share with us. Yes, I do.
This is so funny to me because I'm so excited to be talking to you, but I actually can't believe I signed up to because I've avoided telling this story for so long.

So story takes place late 2007, early 2008. A recent graduate.
I'm living at home with my parents and I'm at the time working for my dad. I'm at home, but still like doing adult things.
I have a boyfriend who I met right when I came home. And so we've been dating for like six months and I need to renew my birth control.
I think it still works like this today where you go, you get an exam and then they release a year's worth of available prescriptions and you can go every month and get it until that year is up. I'm up on that year.
So I need to go to the doctor. Previously, I've gone to like Planned Parenthood or I've gone to the health clinic at my college.
I'm feeling like an adult. I have my own health care.
I have my own money. Albeit, I'm living in my parents' basement.
I can't move out, but feel empowered. Like I'm going to take care of my health and I'm going to find a doctor and somebody I can go to year after year.

While I am super close to my parents and I love them so very much and my family is super close, like we do not talk about sex at all.

Right.

Are we religious or just afraid to talk about sex?

I grew up Catholic, but we just never talked about it.

So I'm also being conscious of the fact that if mail comes to the house, I don't really want them to see it.

Like I don't want it to be like women's clinic.

I want nothing that screams like sex. So I start to look for a doctor and I'm looking for something that's discreet.
So I find a doctor and it's just like doctor so-and-so. Now as an adult, I realize all the letters after the doctor's name indicate what kind of doctor it is.
So I call the doctor up to make an appointment. And what the lady tells me is, this doctor is a gynecologist, but it's really like a fertility specialist.
She does do exams and I can't come see her, but just want to be upfront that this is kind of what this office is. Making the call was awkward enough.
I'm like, yep, I'm in. Make me the appointment.
It comes time for the appointment. I walk in there and this is like nothing I've experienced before.
It's a beautiful office. Everywhere I've gone to just has that like curtain in between the rooms.
So this feels nice. I feel out of my element.
Everything is very much set up for people who are trying to have families. There is a couple who is in there together.
All of the posters and pamphlets are all for fertility planning. And I am actively trying not to get pregnant.
Yeah, right. You're on the opposite trajectory here.
Yes. I feel super insecure kind of about this situation.
Slash guilty, maybe? Like these people are dying to have a kid and I'm trying to prevent that yes and I'm 23 I look out of place I feel like I shouldn't be there but I'm also kind of like I just want to get what I need out of this situation and get out of here so I'm sitting in there and it's taking like a little bit of time and I'm getting like a little bit more and more nervous and maybe it's just for me like going to the gynecologist is a a nerve wracking experience anyway. In ideal conditions, it's still showing your vagina to a stranger.
I've had two kids now and I still feel semi uncomfortable going to the gynecologist. So the nurse comes and gets me and brings me back into the room and she's like, go ahead and change.
And the doctor will be in there with you shortly. So I take everything off.
I fold it all up. I tuck my underwear into my jeans.
You can't like see anything. And I am looking for the gown.
Usually it's almost like a paper sheet that's folded up on the bed. So I look for that.
It's not there. And I'm looking on the bed underneath the film.
I don't see anything. And it's like a bigger room.
So I scan the room. There's like a desk and then there's some hooks.
And next to the hook, I'm like, oh, those look like gowns. So I go up and I grab one of the gowns.
And so I'm putting it on and I am like, well, this is weird because this gown has a slit in the front and not in the back. But I'm also kind of thinking to myself, fancy office.
And like, she needs to see my front. So I'm sure this is fine.
Makes sense. So like, as I get that on, I hear the doctor knock on the door.
And as I'm saying, come in, I feel something like real itchy on my chest. I look down and I realize that there are pockets on this gown and there are pens.
No, no, no, no. And there are heavy objects like instruments in the pocket and that itchy part is a patch.
And I am coming to the realization that I am wearing her lab coat, her doctor's coat, As she is opening the door, she opens the door.

And I am staring at her. This is now like a sexual fantasy.
Like this changed from an exam to like, you're the hot doctor who's got her lab coat open. She is staring at me like I'm a crazy person because I look like a crazy person.
And when I get nervous or like embarrassed, I start to blush really bad. So from my chest all the way up is maroon and I am just mortified.
She's like, oh my God. And I'm like, oh my God, I know I'm wearing your coat.
I couldn't find a gown. I don't know where the gowns are.
I was like, I thought it was a gown. She was like, it's not a gown.
And she was like, let me go get you something to change into. If I could have just like shed my

skin and run away right there, I would have done it and left the coat and my whole body there. we are supported by add Addy, that's that little pink pill, right? Oh, it sure is.
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Like being really excited about the person. Yes, totally.
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See nerdwallet.com for details. I'm like panicking.
Like, what do I do? I'm naked. I'm still in her coat.
My conundrum of how are you is like, do I get back in my clothes right now while she's out getting this gown and then she'll give me the gown and get back on my clothes or just stay in this coat? That's not mine. I stayed.
I kind of, really. I was just like standing there in my shame.
And so she grabs a gown and hands it through the door. And so I change into it.
I hang her coat back up. I'm like, what am I doing now? And she comes back in.
I don't know what to do. So we're having this exam and I just have a flurry of words coming out of my mouth.
Like, I'm so sorry. This is my first time at a nice place.
I didn't know it wasn't a gown. Where are your gowns? Why wasn't the gown in here? She's completing the exam and she's mostly ignoring me, but trying to make me feel somewhat comfortable.
A lot of my patients wear my clothes. That's what I was hoping for.
Like, this has happened before. No

big deal. But this is not what she's saying.
Yeah. Oh, she's trying to get out of there as fast as I am.
Was it inside out? No. When I think about it now, I'm kind of like, how didn't you know? It had sleeves on it.
Like I should have known what I was doing. And a stethoscope in the pocket.
I was so nervous

yeah

oh

and I just wanted it

to get over with

but by the time

I was doing. And a stethoscope in the pocket.
I was so nervous. Yeah.
Oh. And I just wanted it to get over with.
But by the time I was realizing it, it was like too late. It was like so mortified.
Did you keep her as a gyno? Unfortunately, I had a result that like I had to come back in for. It ended up being fine.
But I had to see her again and get re-examined. I did get the gown before I went in, but then after that, I never, ever, ever went back.
Did you make a joke the second time? Like, making sure I know where the gowns are this time. Yes, like, of course.
And I'm like so awkward to begin with through the whole thing. I'm like, can I get the gown before I go in? But I left that appointment and I sobbed in my car and it was so embarrassed.
And I waited years to tell anybody that this ever happened. A, I love this story, but also this wouldn't make Dax's top 2000.
I mean, you really didn't do anything wrong. There was no gown and you took the next best thing.
I know. That moment of her walking through the door lives somewhere in the back of my mind and pops in every once in a while.
Yeah, it's hard when you're trying to be an adult. That tender time is very tricky.
And I think that's probably why you got so upset. You're like, I don't know what I'm doing in life and was supposed to know.
You feel so good about it. The easier route was not to go and find a new doctor and do all the things.
And I felt so good that I had done it. And I felt like I picked it so cautiously.
It's probably lucky that I had to get birth control every year or else I wouldn't have gone back to the gynecologist probably ever again. Okay, good.
You just disproved my thing. Because I got to say, there are some prescriptions I've been on in my life where I'm like, guys, what are we doing? We know this is a lifetime prescription.
Why on earth do I need, I'll give you an example. Like I used to be on Propecia, which blocks testosterone from making your hair fall out.
Well, I'm not going to decide I want my hair to fall out at any point. I don't understand why I got to go see someone every year when we know I'm going to be on this thing forever.
Side note, I'm not on it anymore, but there's some that I'm just like, why do we have to do this? Well, no, they need to make sure that your body hasn't created some sort of aversion to it or have a new issue. I mean, like even with Keppra, I have to go in every couple of years just to triple check everything's working the way it should work.
Every couple of years sounds doable. Yeah.
But I guess it is good to get that exam every year. Yeah, it is.
But again, yeah, birth

control for me, it's like, yeah, you're going to be on it until you want to get

pregnant. What are we talking about? Now, you should

get exams, but the prescription part to me

is a side issue. Right.
Okay.

Well, I've bared my grievance about that. There we go.

I think you should have been able

to keep your birth control going from college

indefinitely. Had they not

required me to go into an exam, I would have got

it for day one and never have gone back. Well, it's great meeting you.
Thanks for sharing that. That was fun.
You too. Can I give a shout out to two other arm cherries? I want to shout out my sister Lexi and then my cousin Bobby.
We have often said if there's ever a prompt where I could tell this story, I would have to go in and do it. So I didn't tell anybody that I was recording and I thought.
they'll hear it for the first time. Oh, fun.
Yay. Shout out.
Lexi and Bobby. Yes.
Great to have all three of you. Thank you, guys.
Take care. Bye.
Bye. Adam.
Hi. Is this Adam? This is Adam.
Hi. Hi.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
My wife is sitting next to me and her mouth is like on the floor

it's a gape yeah she's like she just got the new shirt in the mail like five minutes ago already she got in there in the first 14 minutes she was on it for the weeks leading up to it every few days i would check the store and nothing was there and then she looked she's like oh my's here. Yay.
Shout out Carly for getting those out in time. That's great.
Okay. So you embarrass yourself.
I'm not surprised. It's hard to make it through life without doing that.
And especially when I tell you how old I was, this story took place in 1999. I was just turning 19 years old.
Okay. It was right in my senior year of high school, and it took place just before graduation to after graduation.
The embarrassing part was after graduation. Can I ask, where were you in the country? Yeah, it's in Orlando, Florida.
Oh, okay, great. I was in high school, and I was undiagnosed ADHD.
Terrible in school, so I was dual enrolled at a technical school because I am a huge car enthusiast. I love cars.
And I'm like, you know what? I want to go into automotive. So I started taking all these automotive classes and it led to an internship working at a Chrysler dealership doing like brakes, transmission stuff, everything you could think of.
Yeah. I also had asthma.
So while I'm working there, I had trouble breathing sometimes. I would lean over and I'd hear like this bubbling feeling in my chest.
I'm like, what the heck is this? I'd go to the doctor. Everything's fine.
It would happen again. I'd go back to the doctor.
Everything's fine. Finally, they're like, here, go take an x-ray.
So it just so happened that whatever was going on happened right when I was going to have the x-ray done. And the radiologist comes running out with the x-rays in hand, hands them to my dad and says, get him to the emergency room.
Both of his lungs have collapsed. No.
What? Yeah. So what was happening was my lungs would collapse.
The air was getting trapped in between my chest wall and my lung on every exhale. And it couldn't reinflate.
Oh my God. And it was pushing my heart over.
There's like back pressure. Yeah.
And I was walking around for a month, maybe two with this happening on and off. Whoa.
So we go to the emergency room and they admit me and I can barely breathe. And so they can't put me under because of breathing problems.
So they have me take my right arm and reach across my body to hold onto the handrail that's on the hospital bed. And they cut a hole in my chest and put a tube through to suck the air out.
So now I'm connected to like this machine that's constantly sucking air out of my chest. Oh my God.
And you did that without any anesthesia? Just a local. And my dad said, you could hear me scream down the hallway of the emergency room.
Oh, that's gruesome. When they flipped the switch on, I went, because it pulled my lung back out.
But really quick, when they did that, did you feel any relief? Like, oh, my God, I have full lungs again. Yes.
It was like, oh, thank you. I can breathe.
So they only had to do it on the right because the left wasn't too bad, but it was both lungs. So now I'm sitting in the hospital for like a week and they're waiting to see if it heals on its own.
What is causing this? It sounds like you have some kind of perforation and some kind of lining or something. Exactly.
So it ended up being that working in a dirty environment, like in an automotive garage and me being tall and skinny, I went through a growth spurt in that timeframe and the lung tissue was super thin, which is very common apparently with tall, skinny guys. And so it clogged the alveoli in my lungs, which then ruptured, collapsed lungs.
Holy shit. And apparently it can happen just spontaneously.
Like if you're lifting something, instead of getting in a hernia, you get a collapsed lung. Oh my God.
So pay attention. New thing to worry about.
I still kind of worry about it a little bit, but not as much as I did right after. Whoa.
So now I'm in the hospital and waiting around for a week and I can't move more than like maybe two or three feet because I have this tube attached to me. And if they disconnect it, my lung collapses again.
So they give me this plastic like toilet thing that goes next to the hospital bed with a bucket underneath. So now I'm pooping into a bucket.
And I have to call the nurses to come and empty it. That's when I realized that this hospital was a teaching hospital for the local community college.
No, this is so unfair. And it's the hottest college girls coming in to empty out my poop bucket every single day.
Oh my God. I would want to throw it out the window.
I'm talking like eights, nines. And I'm like, this is ridiculous.
I can't shower. I stink.
My hair's a mess. But what was cool is on their lunch, they would come and hang out in my room.
And this is all pre-internet. So it's Jerry Springer and the price is right.
And that's pretty much it. So we're talking like a week here.
I'm 19, bored out of my mind, sitting in a room by myself. I'm like, you know what? I've got nothing else to do.
So I start taking care of certain things. Pleasuring yourself.
Oh, sure. Oh my God.
So I can't believe. Monica was out to lunch on that one.
What are you talking about? My wife was like, when you tell this story, Monica's going to be like, men. No, men are allowed to masturbate.
In public. And women are too.
No, this was in public? No, I mean, it's in a hospital. Oh.
I didn't have a roommate or anything. It wasn't like an episode of Seinfeld.
I was by myself. So anyway, I'm, you know, handling things.
Yeah. I forget that I'm connected to heart monitors and i set off all the alarms at the nursing station and two nurses come busting through the door with myself in my hand and they're like are you okay because i set off all the alarms like my heart rate spiked to like 170 or something.
It was a big one. I'm sitting there and I'm like, totally fine.
And they're like, oh, oh, okay. Wait, they saw, they could tell? I'm in a hospital gown and it only opens in the back.
So you have to, you know. So obvious.
So the penis, Monica, it protrudes from the front of the body. Okay, cool.
Whenever I would tell the story, they're like, so did you finish? I'm like, well, yeah, it was already almost there. Sure.
Sure. Oh, I thought the heart rate spike was a result of the climax.
Right. But just as you were nearing it, you were really.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Don't let little ADHD stop you from finishing. Nowadays, it just might.
Not back then. Oh, my God.
So you're pooping in a bucket. These gales are hanging with you.
They're young and beautiful. And then you get caught doing that.
Whoa, what a trip to the hospital. So what was the ultimate solution for this lung condition? It never healed on its own.
So they're like, all right, we're going to have to do the corrective surgery. Now, because I can breathe, they put me under, I have a scar that's about five inches.
They cut open, spread my ribs, and then basically scarred the top of my lung and then on the inside of my chest wall so that it would heal into the chest wall so it can't actually re-collapse. Oh, interesting.
Now the left side, that healed on its own

because that one wasn't as bad.

But for years afterwards,

when people would hug me

or pat me on the back or something,

I would just freak out.

I'm like, just stop

because I never wanted

to go through that again.

Oh, yeah.

God, that for it. How would you have done a clean up situation? What did you do with your...
With the gown? I knew you were going to ask that. You did? You did? You knew I was? Or you thought Dax would ask that? Yeah, I'm like, you know what? I bet they're going to ask what I did with everything.
Yeah. Just Kleenex.
And then wrap a bunch of clean Kleenex over that. You weren't worried that it was going to get all over your gown? No.
Jeez, dude. Yeah, I'm gross.
Yeah, I'm like over here like a fountain. No.
All right. Okay.
Okay. You just buffered with some tissue.
Wow, Monica, what a great question. I too wouldn't have expected that from you.
Well. Yeah, that does sound more like one of the- Curious.
But I just didn't even want to think about that because then it goes right into the shame of being a boy and i'm gonna hide that it's funny when i told people what the

prompt was they're like oh god it's not outside of my normal you know it's like that tracks

oh that's great well you got yourself an awesome wife yeah cool sweatshirt i certainly do let's

say hi to her really quick though dex i want to tell you something i am a huge howard stern fan

Thank you. You have yourself an awesome wife with a cool sweatshirt.
I certainly do. Let's say hi to her.
Really quick though, Dax, I want to tell you something. I am a huge Howard Stern fan and I say it all the time.
You are a better interviewer than Howard. Don't you dare say that, Adam.
No, I'm dead serious. Here's why.
You present the issues that you've had and whatever trauma that you've had, but you do not inject it into what the other person is saying. Like Howard would be like, oh, so your father did X, Y, Z.
It's like, no, just because it happened to you doesn't mean it happened to that person. And you let the guest actually answer, which is great.
I mean, I love Howard, but you're fantastic. Thank you so much.
Here's Chrissy. She's dying to say hi here.
I'm going to give her my air pods y'all look at this oh it looks gorgeous on you it does it really pops isn't it fantastic she listens to you guys more than she listens to me i literally ran down to the mailbox like five seconds before to see i was like maybe it came today worked out so perfectly. It's very sim.
Is it comfortable? Do you like it? It's got a nice weight to it. It's very nice.
I just ripped it open and threw it on. And then it was like, this is nice.
Like it's thick. And this is my first time actually having one because I have always missed it.
Well, can I tell you they were gone in, I think, 14 minutes. So you must have been like right when it opened up.
I set multiple reminders. And it was actually really funny because I always listen to everything in order.
I never skip ahead. Yeah.
So he's ADHD and you're OCD. Yes.
I am ADHD, but also OCD. We have all the acronyms.
Oh, good, good, good. All the letters.
And so I never listened to the fact check before the episode. Right.
But I had just finished therapy. And I was like, I need some time to decompress before I come and join the family some more.
Yeah. And I'm not ready to start this episode.
I'm going to go to the fact check. and that is when you guys announced like that the next day for me was when the orders were going up.
Sam. That was meant to be.
I never would have been able to get the sweater because I wouldn't have listened to that part yet. Oh, exciting.
So I set all the alarms and it was at noon and I had a work meeting starting at that time and it didn't matter. I have very mixed emotion about these limited release sweatshirts, which is like, I'm so happy for the people that get them.
And I'm also so sorry for the amount of stress we cause people. I really don't know what to do about it.
But it looks gorgeous. I'm so glad you got one.
Let's just focus on the fact that you're a winner and you got it. Monica, I just finished, or both of you guys, but I just finished the episode with Phoebe.

When I heard that he was going to be on, I'm like, speechless.

I came running down and I'm like, I'm going to be on Armchair Anonymous.

This is a big week in the household.

You got the sweatshirt and you're on Armchair Anonymous.

I don't have words though to explain.

It's like, and you tried and you failed.

Yeah, horribly. And you admitted like that you just couldn't.
And it's like that. Okay, we'll take it.
Keep it up, guys. You guys are a party.
We love you. Thank you so much for calling in.
That's a great story. Have a good one, guys.
Okay, take care. I mean, come on with these arm cherries.
Hi, can you hear me? Yes, we can. I'm so excited to be here, by the way.
I was listening to your Hasan Minhaj episode when I was at work when I got the email and I totally flipped. Oh, my gosh.
Good for you. You're going back in the archives.
Look at you. He just came out with that other special and I'm a huge fan of his.
Me too. So I saw that he had been on the podcast and I missed it.
So I remember that being really, really fun. Yeah.
I'm not going to lie. I'm kind of nervous because I haven't told the story in years.
And my sister, she's a huge fan of Dax specifically. So am I, of course, but I thought I'm going to submit this story because I think there's a good chance that this is going to be the opportunity I get to get my sister to meet you guys.
Oh, wonderful. So she's there.
We'll meet her at the end? Yes. Okay, perfect.
What's her fake name? We'll go with Rose. Okay, wonderful.
Axel Rose. Alex and Rose.
Just change one letter. Oh, I do want to add.
So this involves my ex-boyfriend. And today is his birthday.
Oh, interesting. What a weird little coincidence that I'm going to be retelling this core memory of ours today.
Do we like him or no? Yeah. How do we feel about him? I feel indifferent.
He's doing really well. I haven't spoken to him in years.
Okay. So anyways, this happened 10 years ago.
I was a senior in high school. I'm 18.
So we grew up in a small town out in the country. I'm sure Doc's knows not a whole lot to do except for like off-roading and drinking.
Drinking in a field. Yeah.
Yeah. So my high school boyfriend, he had this older friend who was throwing like this big party out of town at his house.
And I initially didn't want to go because I was a big goody two shoes in high school and I didn't really like drinking, but I got FOMO. So I decided to go anyways.
And so we're having a good time. We're at the party, we're drinking, playing games, talking to people.
So we sneak off to a dark corner of the house at some point in the night, cause we're feeling frisky, corny teenagers. So we're making out, we're getting handsy, probably pushing the boundaries.
I'm like, let's go somewhere private and get this going. Oh, you initiate this.
This is great. Oh yeah, of course.
I'm like, let's get a private area. And so he didn't drive there.
He got dropped off like I did. And so he goes to his friend, the owner of the house, and he's like, Hey, I need a private area for a little while for me and my girlfriend.
Can I quickly ask how old the older friend is? Because there's a zone where it's fine. And then there's a zone where I'm concerned.
How much older? Not that much older, maybe like 20 or 21. Okay, great.
This is not a 35 year old. No, no, no, no, nothing like that.
Okay. So he's like, here, I just got this new SUV.
Here are the keys. Wow.
Holy shit. He's generous.
Oh yeah. They're really close.
It's got the biggest backseat. So he's like, what you do is none of my business in there.
We go out there. And all the cars outside the house are kind of like haphazardly all over the place all throughout the desert.
And this car was parked more on the outskirts. So I thought it's dark out here.
No one's gonna see anything. We can have a great time.
And also, we're both super drunk. You guys know what's about to happen to happen so we're trying all different kinds of things we've been together for like two years so we've been sexually active for like at least a year already great you're experimenting and trying things yeah we're doing all of the things oh god bless do them all this is what makes this story in my mind a little more demoralizing is that he's like, let's try butt stuff.
And I'm super drunk. So I'm relaxed.
I'm like, okay, like, let's give this a try. Yeah, sure.
Check them all off the list. Can't think of a better place than someone else's backseat.
You know what? Nothing messy happened, thankfully. But we were having a good time.
Like I actually was enjoying myself. I will say I've never tried it again because I think this just put a bad taste in my mouth, but I'm in the backseat.
I'm bouncing to high heavens. I'm distracted.
I'm having a good time. He feels the car get jostled, like move.
And he asked me like, did you just feel that? I'm like, no, I don't feel't feel nothing like the car's off it's not moving like let's just keep going he's like no somebody just crashed into us what but you're distracted yes exactly we hear and see all this commotion outside of the vehicle there's arguing and yelling and before i can even get a chance to like figure out what the heck him and i are about to do somebody opens the door oh to the car oh my goodness and he's in your butt uh he had kind of like removed himself oh sure i imagine i imagine okay well i don't know i want to know what position we're finding when he's like he got hit okay but still you're still in your position yeah yeah compromised position we're both fully naked right i mean there's no question about what we were doing in there and you know what you look like when you've been having sex for a while like you know the hair and the flesh and everything it just looked horrible well the cabin lights just turn on throughout the vehicle and they're bright as heck so everybody outside outside the vehicle sees us. Oh boy.
The guy who opened the door quickly closed the door too late. Like it takes a while for that stupid light stays on for a minute.
Everything happened so fast. People are pouring out of the house party at this point because people are like, Oh my God, the owner of the house, his new Range Rover just got crashed into.
So he comes out of the house and everybody inside is also coming out of the house and people are of course like they're hooting and hollering they're laughing some people are like yelling thank god nobody took any pictures but this is like on full display for everybody at this point I'm trying to put my clothes on he got at least his jeans on very quickly and stepped out of the vehicle. But of course the light turns on again.
So I'm like getting there trying to cover myself. It was just so horrible.
What happened? Someone drove their car into the back of the Range Rover? Yeah. So somebody was in a Chevy Tahoe, I think it was, or like a Suburban or something, and just straight up backed into the vehicle.
Oh, no. And we just happened to be unlucky enough to be in there at the time.
The owner of the house didn't really care that much. We ended up going back to what we were doing.
Oh, good for you. God bless.
What a good spirit. Yeah.
Yeah. My favorite part of this story is fast forward two months, maybe.
I have this best guy friend, we'll call him John. He ended up taking possession of that vehicle after it was repaired, obviously.
And he didn't know anything about it. One day we were in his car and he mentioned like who he had got the car from.
I just busted out laughing because I'm like, oh my God, you know, this car was in a car accident.

He's like, yeah, that guy bumped into this car.

No big deal.

It's repaired.

And so I told him what happened.

He was so pissed.

But for the rest of our senior year of high school, I just would tease him about getting

laid in his car.

That's fantastic.

Oh, bring me back.

Field parties, house parties.

What a blast.

I love that you guys got back to it. Yeah, it's really impressive.
Nothing can stop a horny teenager. No.
No. I hate this story, but also at the same time, I'm like, oh, well.
That's a great story. Yeah, every time I listen to your prompts and I think about a story, I'm like, oh, my God, maybe I've gotten myself into too much trouble.
Well, let's get your sister in here. Give her one of your pods so we can meet her.
Hello. Hi, what's your fake name? You're Rose.
Actually, we assigned you a name and you didn't even know it. I accept Rose.
Are you a younger or older sister? Younger. It's so nice to meet you both.
I can't believe I'm looking at both of you. You're in my ears all the time.
Same with her. We talk about the podcast quite a bit.

Oh, that makes us happy.

I love you both.

And I just adore you, Dax, so much.

I'm just happy I got to meet you guys.

And I'm glad that she had an embarrassing story that gave me the opportunity to meet you guys.

Well, you need to rack up some embarrassing stories so we can call back and talk to you about something embarrassing.

Yeah, right.

So nice to meet you both.

Yeah, a pleasure. You too.
All right. have a lovely day take care guys bye can i tell you my favorite part of that story yeah she did not have to tell us about the butt stuff i know i thought that too yeah that makes me feel like she knows the name of the game here on the show it's like we get the whole thing and it raised the stakes big time first time doing that and then you get plowed into by the back.
I love that she liked it. Yeah, yeah.
She wanted to get back at it. I know.
It's a life affirming story. Yeah, we love that.
Oh, good times out there. Embarrassment is endearing.
It's endearing, but it's a hard one. That's your number one.
Was this a hard episode for you? Because that's your Achilles embarrassment. My mirror neurons were firing.
Do you want to remind everyone about when you walked into the glass? One time I walked into a glass. Was it a glass door? It was just a door.
Was there a door next to the glass and you just thought you could cruise through? You didn't see the glass? Oh, my God. I don't really remember.
What's great is there's a very seminal moment in your life,

and I can just vaguely remember.

All I remember is that you were upset.

Wasn't Mervac around for this?

Yeah, we were at Bob's show.

Okay.

But it was early days.

I don't even know if we had done the podcast yet.

I was still not that comfortable with everybody,

and it was the whole what is now the pod.

And then I cried.

Cried in the car ride home.

Oh no.

Because I'm such a failure.

Oh, we love you if you crash into a million glass walls.

Well, that would be, I think I should get some.

Some health if you're running into glass walls that often.

Exactly.

All right.

All right.

Love you.

Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? don't have a theme song oh okay great we don't have a theme song for this new show so here i go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries we'll get some suggestions on the flyer rindish on the flyer rindish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wondery app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondery plusery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at

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