Helen | Betrayal Weekly

Transcript

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Speaker 4 There's this feeling that mums are good. No matter what, mums are good.

Speaker 4 Even if they do the wrong thing, it's because they love you so much.

Speaker 4 If you need to accept the lie to live, then you accept the lie.

Speaker 30 I'm Andrea Gunning and this is Betrayal, a show about the people we trust the most and the deceptions that change everything.

Speaker 18 Today we're telling Helen Naylor's story.

Speaker 21 Helen grew up in the Midlands of the UK.

Speaker 4 The place where I was born was a really little town, so you basically knew everybody. And I'd walk through town and bump into 10 people I knew.

Speaker 35 She was an only child.

Speaker 33 Her parents were Eleanor and Alan.

Speaker 4 We lived in a really nice three-bedroom, semi-detached, which was painted yellow with a bright blue door.

Speaker 4 They have very 70s taste in decor, so quite swirly brown carpets and very peach. If there was a colour choice, it was peach.

Speaker 36 Helen's parents were older than her friend's parents.

Speaker 4 Mum was 35 when she had me. My dad was over 40.
And at the time, that was quite a big deal.

Speaker 37 Helen was very young when her dad's health took a turn for the worse.

Speaker 4 When I was seven, my dad was diagnosed with heart and lung problems.

Speaker 4 He had cardiomyopathy and asthma that eventually became emphysema.

Speaker 40 Not long after her dad's diagnosis, Helen's mom, Eleanor, also got sick.

Speaker 40 She stopped getting out of bed and stopped being able to play with Helen.

Speaker 42 She was diagnosed with ME, myalgic encephalomyelitis, also known as chronic fatigue syndrome.

Speaker 35 It can cause muscle and joint pain, dizziness, and headaches.

Speaker 4 The most common symptom is extreme tiredness, making any activities difficult. Going for a shower, shower, going to work, you can not sleep well, you can have problems cognitively.

Speaker 33 ME can cause debilitating exhaustion.

Speaker 45 It's chronic and there is no cure.

Speaker 33 The disease sometimes occurs after a viral infection, kind of like a long COVID.

Speaker 21 Treatments are designed to help patients manage their symptoms and learn to adjust to a much slower pace of life.

Speaker 4 My mom used to say if she wanted to do something, she'd have to spend a week resting to prepare to do that thing, and then a week after resting to get over it.

Speaker 48 Her mom retired early because of her illness.

Speaker 10 So from the age of seven on, Helen grew up with two sick parents.

Speaker 30 Her life revolved around their illnesses.

Speaker 4 It completely shaped my life. I was the child of two disabled people.
and that was my identity.

Speaker 21 While her friends were in first grade learning to read, Helen was worrying about her parents, especially her mom.

Speaker 4 Although I knew that my dad's illnesses were more serious, life revolved around my mom.

Speaker 42 Her mom's chronic fatigue took over their family's life completely.

Speaker 21 Eleanor slept for 18 hours a day and didn't even have enough energy to walk to the mailbox.

Speaker 4 She wouldn't walk me to the end of the road. We're talking like a small road with a corner shop at the bottom and she wouldn't walk me there because she couldn't.
couldn't.

Speaker 4 She would be in bed every afternoon, I remember. We didn't go out at weekends.

Speaker 37 On the rare occasion that they did leave the house together, they had to adapt their activities around her mom.

Speaker 21 If they went shopping, Eleanor rode a mobility scooter.

Speaker 1 As a teenager, that was so embarrassing.

Speaker 4 Like already, I had these parents who were older and they stood out. And now she was on this scooter, like hurling around the the shopping center.
I was just so mortified.

Speaker 21 But over time Helen got over the embarrassment and learned to accept her mom.

Speaker 21 Helen became her primary caretaker because they didn't have any extended family nearby and Helen's dad spent most nights at the pub drinking.

Speaker 4 My dad was a really isolated figure. He didn't have many friends.
He wasn't at work. He didn't have close family members.
He was a functioning alcoholic, 100%.

Speaker 4 I can't remember seeing him anything but a happy drunk. He wasn't aggressive, but undoubtedly he was an alcoholic.

Speaker 21 So Helen and her mom leaned on each other.

Speaker 10 It was them against the world.

Speaker 4 I had a really close relationship with my mom. She was my best friend.
I

Speaker 4 talked to her about everything. I absolutely adored her.
I thought she was perfect, absolutely perfect.

Speaker 21 But her mom needed a lot of support.

Speaker 4 And there was a sense of, if my mom said jump, then you had to jump.

Speaker 19 Helen would come home from school and go straight to her mom's bedside.

Speaker 46 She'd sit on the edge of the bed and tell her mom about her day.

Speaker 21 Then Helen would make her mom a snack and set up a place for her to rest on the couch.

Speaker 4 We would watch some TV together and drink a cup of tea.

Speaker 4 I felt very, very responsible for her. I was responsible for my parents' happiness and my parents' emotional stability.

Speaker 21 Eleanor's ME was debilitating, but over time she found other people who struggled with the same symptoms.

Speaker 4 She was part of an ME group in the town and ended up leading it. And so every week she would have to sort of run these meetings.
She'd do all this research to then write newsletters for the ME group.

Speaker 10 Helen was proud of her mom for finding purpose purpose and community, even though she was struggling with her disease.

Speaker 4 She actually won an award for being a health champion.

Speaker 42 Helen's mom went to bed early every night.

Speaker 4 My mom would go to bed, my dad would go down the pub, and I was just left to entertain myself.

Speaker 4 It was important that I was silent because if I made any noise, then I would wake my mom. So I would watch TV with subtitles on and no sound.

Speaker 52 When her own world in her little yellow house got too small, Helen escaped into her dream world.

Speaker 41 She loved to write.

Speaker 4 I wrote a lot of stories. I wrote a story about a girl who went into her loft and disappeared into a wonderful alternative reality with a happy family.
I used to dance around the garden singing.

Speaker 4 I'm sure the neighbors loved it.

Speaker 48 One day when Helen was eight, she overheard her mom talking about her dad's health.

Speaker 4 I heard my mom say, the doctor said, he could just drop dead at any minute.

Speaker 4 I remember switching around and looking at her, absolutely horrified. And that weighed on me for the rest of my childhood.

Speaker 31 Hearing that shifted Helen's mindset.

Speaker 4 Even as a child, she felt responsible for her mom.

Speaker 10 She also learned to be extremely tuned into her mom.

Speaker 50 She tried to do whatever she could to make her happy.

Speaker 10 Over time, Helen lost track of where her mom's needs ended and where hers began.

Speaker 4 She used to tell me my likes and dislikes. I liked salad.
I liked strawberries. Those were my favorites.
I deferred to her opinion.

Speaker 22 Helen learned to look to her mom for answers.

Speaker 38 She idolized her.

Speaker 18 As a teenager, Helen missed out on typical teenage experiences because as soon as school ended, she went home to take care of her her parents.

Speaker 4 In my teens, my average day would look like I would get up and go to school. My parents were both at home all day, every day.
My dad would go to the pub every day.

Speaker 4 Then my mom would go for a nap every day. And then I'd come home.

Speaker 4 And it was just all very insulated.

Speaker 43 But then when Helen was 16, there was finally a break from their quiet, careful routine.

Speaker 4 We went on this like once-in-a-lifetime holiday. We decided to go to America.

Speaker 33 They planned to spend a few days in Chicago, then two weeks vacationing in Wisconsin and visiting extended family that lived there.

Speaker 35 Helen was worried about the strain the trip would take on her mom.

Speaker 4 We went to the airport and she was in a wheelchair being wheeled to the aeroplane. But to Helen's surprise, We got to America and for two weeks, she was just a normal mom.
She was walking around.

Speaker 4 Literally, we had a non-stop holiday. We did something every single day.

Speaker 4 We went to water shows, water parks, we got up in the morning and went to a diner and then went and saw my cousins and then went out for the day and did something ridiculously American.

Speaker 4 And then we did something in the evening. It was just this incredible experience for me, like life-changing.
And what was the most amazing was that my parents were both well.

Speaker 4 My mum said the heat made my dad's chest better.

Speaker 29 The climate also seemed to help with her mom's chronic fatigue.

Speaker 4 I just thought, oh my goodness, America has cured my parents. America has made them better.

Speaker 40 Helen was ecstatic.

Speaker 53 It was like she slipped into a better world where her parents were healthy and they were a normal, happy family.

Speaker 10 But the dream didn't last.

Speaker 4 We got on the plane to come home and we got back to the UK and she was back in that wheelchair being wheeled back through the airport as if the last two weeks hadn't happened.

Speaker 4 It was a huge moment for me.

Speaker 4 I saw what my life could be like

Speaker 4 and I was like, why are we not going to America? Why are we not packing up and going? Because you could be well. You tell me all the time how you wish you could be well.

Speaker 4 We've got the answer. Let's just go.

Speaker 4 I prayed every night for my parents to be better. The idea that it was within grasp was just like

Speaker 4 I couldn't understand.

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Speaker 29 You know that feeling when your alarm goes off and your first thought is, why do I feel so awful?

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Speaker 3 Liquids simply slide right off. Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.

Speaker 3 Plus, our pet-friendly, stain-resistant fabrics ensure your sofa stays beautiful for years. Don't compromise quality for price.
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Speaker 3 Plus free shipping and free returns. Shop now at washable sofas.com.
Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Speaker 5 This is Matt Rogers from Los Culture Resist with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

Speaker 6 This is Bowen Yang from Los Culture Resist with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

Speaker 5 What if you could boost your Wi-Fi to one of your devices when you need it most? Because Xfinity Wi-Fi can. Like when you need to upload 200 photos of your cat in a Santa hat to post online.

Speaker 5 Xfinity Wi-Fi does that too.

Speaker 9 And what if your Wi-Fi had parental instincts built right in? So your kids are always protected online.

Speaker 5 It's Wi-Fi that's not just smart, it's brilliant. And during the holidays, that's a gift we all could use.

Speaker 33 On a family trip to the U.S., Helen's mom, who was normally chronically ill and stuck in bed, experienced major relief from her symptoms.

Speaker 22 Her dad, who had serious heart and lung problems, was doing much better too.

Speaker 33 On their trip, both her parents had energy and they went on adventures together every day.

Speaker 50 Helen was overjoyed.

Speaker 36 They had found a cure for her parents.

Speaker 4 America.

Speaker 10 But when they got back to England, their symptoms became as debilitating as they were before.

Speaker 40 Helen wasn't ready to accept that this was their normal again.

Speaker 4 It was a huge moment in that

Speaker 4 I saw what my life could be like.

Speaker 4 And I was like, why are we not going to America? Why are we not packing up and going? Because you could be well. You tell me all the time how you wish you could be well.

Speaker 4 We've got the answer. Let's just go.

Speaker 20 But her parents didn't want to move to the US.

Speaker 34 So Helen channeled her energy into doing well in school so that she could have a life of her own.

Speaker 4 I did really well in my A-levels and then off I went to university and I went to Nottingham, which

Speaker 4 isn't even the top three cities in the UK.

Speaker 4 Yet I felt like I was in this enormous city that was totally overwhelming. I walked through town and I didn't see anyone I knew.
That was really shocking to me.

Speaker 21 Helen had spent her childhood and teenage years hyper-focused on her parents' health, living in a town where she knew everyone.

Speaker 52 When she left for college, she was plunged into a completely foreign world.

Speaker 4 I did feel really lost. It was scary.

Speaker 4 It was obviously brilliant because I never thought I'd get away.

Speaker 4 The freedom was incredible.

Speaker 4 At the same time, I hadn't been given any life skills by my parents.

Speaker 35 Helen didn't have the same street smarts or life experiences as her peers, but she certainly knew how to take care of herself.

Speaker 41 She'd been doing it since she was seven.

Speaker 4 So although it was a really steep learning curve, I had the skills to do it and I had the confidence that I'd been doing this forever and that I could do it again.

Speaker 16 Sure enough, Helen found her stride at college and during her first year there, she met a boy named Peter.

Speaker 13 I met Peter through friends.

Speaker 4 We used to meet up with another guy and another girl and just hang out. Peter would walk me home.

Speaker 4 and we got chatting and I found out that his dad had also had heart problems and he just understood the situation that I was in in a way that no one else understood.

Speaker 33 Helen and Peter began to spend more and more time together.

Speaker 32 The connection between them was instant.

Speaker 4 We got together and we got engaged after six months. We got married 12 months later.
It was all very whirlwind. But at 21, you feel like a proper grown-up, so

Speaker 4 that's what you do.

Speaker 21 But Eleanor was not welcoming to Peter.

Speaker 4 She was very mocking about my relationship. Like, are you going to call your lover, do you love him, Helen? Are you in love with him?

Speaker 4 There was no safeguarding. There was no sort of like, well, hold on, let me check this person out and see what I think of them if you're going to marry them.

Speaker 4 And like, you're going to marry them six months after you started dating them. Like, that's actually ridiculous.
You're 20. My parents didn't do any of that.
They were just like, oh, great.

Speaker 10 Let's arrange the wedding.

Speaker 35 At first, Helen struggled to accept that Peter actually wanted to be with her.

Speaker 4 I spent a long time thinking that I'd put on a mask when he met me and that I'd tricked him into marrying me.

Speaker 21 Shortly after Helen and Peter got married, Helen's dad collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital.

Speaker 4 His health declined significantly after that, so then he was on oxygen.

Speaker 4 The last two years of his life were a nightmare. He was just having heart attacks all the time.
It would be like 4 a.m. phone calls saying, this is it.
You've got to come.

Speaker 4 And I remember jumping in the car with my husband and rushing thinking, are we going to make it? Are we going to make it?

Speaker 21 Her whole life, Helen had been afraid that her dad could die at any minute.

Speaker 29 But during those two years, the constant hum of worry grew into a fever pitch.

Speaker 4 I went into a real period of depression. Really, really struggled dealing with that situation.

Speaker 4 Me and my husband had visited one weekend. We got the phone call then went straight upstairs to where he was in the ward.

Speaker 4 The nurse said, I'm really sorry, but he's passed away. And my mum just collapsed to the floor.

Speaker 4 And I don't even remember crying initially because it was all about looking after my mum and caring for her and making sure she was okay.

Speaker 4 I remember holding his hand and he was still warm.

Speaker 4 His eyes were open

Speaker 4 and I was like, this is weird. His eyes are open.

Speaker 4 And my mum was so snappy with me and was like, well just close them then.

Speaker 4 And I got really upset. It just sort of finally hit me.

Speaker 4 And I said, I don't want to leave without him. And my mum said, well, this is it, isn't it, Helen? He's dead.
Of course, he's not going to come with us.

Speaker 12 Eleanor had no room for her daughter's grief.

Speaker 4 This was her moment, and it wasn't about me.

Speaker 4 After his death, she used to say to me, it was just your dad, but it was my husband.

Speaker 4 So every single occasion that could possibly bring up those feelings for her, I would send her flowers, I would call. I would really make a big deal of it.
And

Speaker 4 for years,

Speaker 4 years and years, she didn't even acknowledge that Father's Day might be a bit difficult for me.

Speaker 20 As the years went on, Helen remained her mom's caretaker.

Speaker 4 Because she was my mom and because I was an only child, it wasn't like I could just say, right, I'm married now, see you later.

Speaker 4 I couldn't let her go.

Speaker 4 I felt very, very responsible for her. We would have her to our house every Christmas and it would be really strange.
I hated Christmas because Peter really, really struggled with my mum's behavior.

Speaker 4 My mum would be attention-seeking and difficult and I felt like I just had to keep the peace.

Speaker 48 Helen and Peter had been trying for a baby and had suffered a difficult miscarriage. Finally, Helen became pregnant, but the pregnancy was quickly overshadowed.

Speaker 4 At exactly the same time, my mom got a diagnosis of Parkinson's disease.

Speaker 4 The consultant called it mild Parkinson-ism.

Speaker 35 Despite the early diagnosis, her mom's health was declining quickly.

Speaker 4 She was getting worse and worse. So She was getting more medication.

Speaker 4 She was going to these Parkinson's support groups. She wasn't interested in how my pregnancy was going.
She wasn't interested in what scans I'd had.

Speaker 4 She wasn't interested in me thinking about baby names. She just wanted to talk about Parkinson's disease.

Speaker 22 Soon Eleanor required constant care and moved into a nursing home.

Speaker 4 She started having falls and it was happening so frequently that the paramedics were actually told on her notes not to take it to hospital.

Speaker 44 Helen tried to be there for her mom.

Speaker 52 It was hard to see her struggling in this way.

Speaker 21 She visited the nursing home often and one day they had plans to go shopping in town together.

Speaker 43 So Helen went to go pick her mom up.

Speaker 40 When she got there, her mom was sitting on the couch.

Speaker 4 And then she sort of

Speaker 4 pretended to fall.

Speaker 4 It was very slow motion. And

Speaker 4 when she got to the floor, she said, oh my goodness, did you see that? I just fell off the sofa.

Speaker 4 And I was like,

Speaker 4 Not really.

Speaker 4 And she said, I need to go to bed. And I was like, Okay, come on, then, you know, I'll help you up.
And I'll put you to bed. And she said, I can't walk.
You'll have to carry me.

Speaker 4 And I said, Well, I'll help you, but like, I can't carry you.

Speaker 4 You know, come on, get up.

Speaker 4 And she sort of turned demonic.

Speaker 4 She was sort of crawling along the floor and saying, fine, I'll crawl there then. Is this what you want? Is this what you want from me, you little bitch?

Speaker 41 Her mom had never used a word like that before, and it shook Helen.

Speaker 4 It was kind of terrifying. So I ended up hiding in the kitchen thinking, what am I going to do?

Speaker 4 I tried calling Peter and he was like, just leave.

Speaker 4 But I didn't feel like I could leave.

Speaker 35 After that, Helen stopped visiting.

Speaker 39 Her husband Peter supported her decision to pull back from her mother.

Speaker 4 We were having to kind of back off her more and more. And we would just be like, okay, she can't be around the children anymore.

Speaker 53 Eleanor's health was declining rapidly.

Speaker 52 Doctors were constantly scrambling to to help her and find answers.

Speaker 4 She bound her hands up into fists so that she couldn't unclench them.

Speaker 4 She wasn't eating.

Speaker 4 She was just getting worse and worse. She was referred to a hospital where they did every test under the sun.
They literally tested her for everything.

Speaker 4 And eventually, they said that they had found nothing physically or mentally wrong with my mum, but she would die in the next few months.

Speaker 4 By that point, I'd spent three, four years banging my head on a brick wall trying to get someone to listen to me to say, this isn't right, something's wrong and I need you to find out what's going on.

Speaker 4 And they basically said to me, we've tested her for everything and we can't help.

Speaker 42 Doctors had run out of ways to help her mom, and Helen had to.

Speaker 4 I tried to stay in contact with her, but she didn't really want it. Obviously, it was a massive decision not to go and see her in her final months.
I decided it was better this way.

Speaker 4 I mean, that's a horrible decision to make and not something I took lightly. But actually having contact with her was more damaging.

Speaker 36 It was painful for Helen not to visit.

Speaker 45 She still loved her mom very much.

Speaker 21 She got occasional updates from the medical team.

Speaker 39 One day, the call was different.

Speaker 4 I'd had this phone call a few days earlier saying, your mum's got a mouth infection. I was like, okay,

Speaker 4 so will you let me know how that goes then? And like call me back in a few days. And they were like, well,

Speaker 4 yeah, it might not be that long.

Speaker 4 A few days later, they rang me and they said, your mum's died.

Speaker 30 For a moment, everything stood still.

Speaker 49 Helen's mom had been the center of her attention for her entire life.

Speaker 42 Her mom's sickness had been the guiding force in every decision she made.

Speaker 38 And now, it was all over.

Speaker 35 With her gone, everything was all mixed up.

Speaker 32 Nothing made sense, not even her own grief.

Speaker 4 It was a shock. It was a real shock.
Because we were estranged, I think quite a few people thought, I wouldn't grieve, or perhaps I wouldn't feel sad about it.

Speaker 4 It's just such a complex grief. It isn't straightforward.
It isn't normal.

Speaker 4 It was worse than my dad. My dad, I was sad, but it was really straightforward.
I missed him, and I was sad that he was gone. Whereas this was so much more complex.

Speaker 35 Ever since she was a little girl, Helen used her writing as a tool to make sense of her messy and confusing world.

Speaker 4 That's a way of me making sense of things and

Speaker 4 getting things straight in my head. So it was kind of a natural reaction for me to write about what had happened.

Speaker 48 Helen began writing a book about her life with her mom.

Speaker 1 And as a part of her writing process, she decided to read her mom's diaries.

Speaker 4 I knew that my mom had written daily diaries. I'd seen her writing them when I was a teenager.
So she'd written it from when she was 12 till the year before she died. And she was on it.

Speaker 4 She really didn't miss a day. And so I decided that I needed to read them as part of writing this.

Speaker 21 This wasn't one or two diaries.

Speaker 35 Her mom had made daily entries for 55 years.

Speaker 4 So obviously that is a huge amount

Speaker 4 to read. So it took a while.
It took me probably at least a year to read them. And I did have to have breaks because it was quite a lot.

Speaker 33 At first glance, these entries were boring.

Speaker 4 She just writes about the basics, the weather, where's she been, what's she done? There's no real feelings.

Speaker 4 If you read my diaries from when I was a teenager, gosh, the teenage angst that would seep out of those pages. And yet there's nothing like that in my mum's diaries.

Speaker 4 She doesn't fancy anyone. She doesn't like have any friendship problems.
There's no feelings.

Speaker 21 Reading the diaries became part of Helen's daily routine. She was slowly reading her way through her mom's life from when she was 12 years old onwards.

Speaker 4 I read it like I'd read a novel or something. I just always had one with me.
They were tiny, so I could just keep them in my handbag. And whenever I had five minutes, I'd just read a few pages.

Speaker 35 Over the years, Helen had heard her mom tell the story of her life many times.

Speaker 41 She knew it well.

Speaker 4 What I expected to find was exactly what she'd told me. She'd had a really hard childhood with a really difficult sister and difficult parents.

Speaker 4 And then she'd had a really successful time at work, met my dad. decided to have me and then from that point she'd got ill

Speaker 4 and that was just completely wrong.

Speaker 35 Helen started reading passages in her mom's diary that diverge from the story she'd been told.

Speaker 49 Then, Helen saw the line that stopped her in her tracks: She writes,

Speaker 4 I have found my illness.

Speaker 26 One drink, and the brain fog clears, the fatigue lifts, I'm in control of my day again.

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Speaker 59 Scamfluencers is a weekly podcast that takes you into the world of deception, sharing the stories of today's most notorious scams.

Speaker 55 Like the recent episode of Natalie Cochran, the pharmacist femme fatale. It seemed like she had it all.

Speaker 60 A good job, loving husband, and two kids. But behind the scenes, Natalie was scamming friends and family using fake contracts, fake government emails, and she even faked cancer.

Speaker 60 But when the walls start closing in, she'll do anything to keep the lie alive until someone ends up dead.

Speaker 59 Listen to Scamfluencers Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 21 After her mother died, Helen decided to write a book about what it was like growing up with her as a parent.

Speaker 29 As part of her writing process, she read through the daily diaries her mom had kept for over 50 years.

Speaker 31 That's when Helen saw the line that changed everything.

Speaker 4 She writes, I have found my illness.

Speaker 42 Helen read and reread the words to make sure she wasn't imagining it, but there it was in her mom's handwriting.

Speaker 33 For the first time, she learned the real story of how her mom got diagnosed with ME.

Speaker 4 She goes on to nag the doctor to diagnose her. And then very quickly, she's into getting the sick, getting mobility scooters.

Speaker 47 The picture came into focus.

Speaker 46 Her mom had handpicked her illness and then spent years performing it.

Speaker 34 The diaries revealed an elaborate deception, the tale of a double life that her mother lived.

Speaker 38 One where she was was perfectly healthy.

Speaker 4 One part, she's recording how ill she is every day, and yet it doesn't actually match up to what she's doing. So she'll say this was a really bad day and yet she's been apple picking.
Or,

Speaker 4 you know, this was a really terrible day. I went shopping all day.

Speaker 47 It was possible for Helen's mom to fake having ME because there was no definitive way to test for it.

Speaker 44 Diagnoses were primarily based on a patient's own account of their symptoms.

Speaker 46 And most of the time, people don't lie to doctors.

Speaker 35 Most people don't choose to be bedridden.

Speaker 4 At the time, it was almost like you don't have anything else, so it must be this.

Speaker 41 For her whole childhood, Helen was consumed with worry, watching her mom lay in bed in chronic pain.

Speaker 53 When Helen went off to school, she was constantly concerned about how her mom would take care of herself.

Speaker 50 But the diary told a very different story.

Speaker 4 The things she said to me and to other people about how she needed to rest and plan and do all that, that's just out the window. None of it was true.

Speaker 4 She was going apple picking and she was going on city trips and going shopping.

Speaker 4 That really

Speaker 4 hurt.

Speaker 4 My whole childhood was shaped by the ME, what she couldn't do, and it wasn't true.

Speaker 4 She could have just been a totally normal mum.

Speaker 41 Helen couldn't believe what she was reading.

Speaker 31 She felt sick.

Speaker 4 I was unraveling what had happened and what had happened to me. My story of how I am the child of two disabled parents and have cared for them.

Speaker 4 That's actually a lie.

Speaker 4 We could have been living a normal life.

Speaker 43 For years, Helen's mom lived a lie, but it didn't make sense to Helen.

Speaker 4 Why would her mom choose this? She had money, she had health, she had friends. She could have had a really good life.

Speaker 4 And yet, she chose

Speaker 4 something so destructive.

Speaker 29 Helen scoured her mom's diaries, trying to find an answer.

Speaker 4 It was like she was totally unveiling herself.

Speaker 4 Her mask sort of slips and she writes about how everyone is special but I'm really special and just goes into this rant about how special she is and how no one has appreciated how special she is.

Speaker 43 Helen started to get an understanding of her mom's inner world.

Speaker 4 She had been a narcissist from birth.

Speaker 4 There's always a huge vanity, so she talks about how beautiful she is and how long her legs legs are, how slender her hands are, in a way I can't even imagine writing about myself.

Speaker 49 Helen's mom had always told her that she'd gotten sick after giving birth to her, that before that, she had lived a happy, healthy life.

Speaker 29 But her diaries told a different story.

Speaker 30 As Helen read, it was like she was being reintroduced to her own mother. Eleanor's pattern of fake illnesses had started when she was a child.

Speaker 4 What was really really striking for me was that from the beginning, she is obsessed with illness.

Speaker 4 In her 20s, and we're talking early 20s, she's constantly going to the doctor for things like breast scans, brain scans.

Speaker 4 Has she broken this? Has she done this? You know, everything she's been constantly checked for.

Speaker 4 And she doesn't just take what the doctor says, she needs to go to the consultant and have the highest opinion on things.

Speaker 4 I really didn't expect the obsession to be so early.

Speaker 1 Eleanor's view of her own life was at best self-centered and at worst, delusional.

Speaker 41 Her entries paint a picture of a world where she is in complete control, like when she wrote about getting pregnant with Helen.

Speaker 4 Nothing about wanting a baby, nothing about thinking about a family as one day she just writes in her diary, decided I was pregnant.

Speaker 4 So she sounds so omnipotent. God, she's created a pregnancy.

Speaker 42 As she read on, Helen came across something else that was incredibly disturbing.

Speaker 21 Events from her own childhood that she had no memory of.

Speaker 35 Her mom had abused her growing up, and she documented it in her diaries.

Speaker 4 She drugged me. I was six months old and she feeds me Chinese food washed down with whiskey.

Speaker 4 When I was a week old, she went shopping and just left me at home.

Speaker 4 It's neglect, but it's also abuse. And I really didn't expect to find that.

Speaker 4 What was really hard about reading it was that there'd be months of her talking about the weather or going to the supermarket, and then suddenly there would be, she's drugged me, or she's

Speaker 4 in some way injured me. It's just so emotionless.
She's so cruel. She doesn't try to hide anything, which is interesting, or make excuses for anything.

Speaker 29 One of Helen's earliest memories was falling off a chair and breaking her arm.

Speaker 41 But as she read through her mom's diaries, she learned that didn't happen the way she remembered it.

Speaker 42 Her mom talks about having broken Helen's arm herself when Helen was only two.

Speaker 4 According to the diaries, she did it.

Speaker 4 I definitely broke my arm. My mom probably caused it, and I don't know how.

Speaker 33 Helen learned that social services got involved, and somehow her mom explained the injury away.

Speaker 4 Reading that when I had small children, and I've got a very recently two-year-old, I can see how small her arm is, and I can see how easy that would be to break as an adult.

Speaker 10 Helen's mind turned to her father. He had been there and witnessed a lot of the abuse.

Speaker 53 So in many ways, he was complicit.

Speaker 4 But it seems like Eleanor had a lot of power over him too.

Speaker 4 I can make excuses for him. I can say that he was a man of a different era who relied on the fact that his wife was the mother.
and that she would know everything and do the right thing.

Speaker 4 I can say that he was isolated and that I suspect she said she'd leave him and take me with her.

Speaker 15 Does that excuse it all?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 4 Do I think he had a really awful life? Yeah.

Speaker 4 So it's just like holding all of those things at the same time.

Speaker 43 Growing up, Helen had carried immense guilt for ruining her mom's life.

Speaker 57 She knew her mom had gotten sick after she was born, and she felt like everything was her fault.

Speaker 35 But now, Helen revised the story of her life.

Speaker 57 Her mom had gone down a dark path long before she was born, and none of it was her fault.

Speaker 4 It was really like, oh gosh, this hasn't been the story that I thought it was going to be.

Speaker 4 I really believed I'd ruined her life, that she'd had me and I had broken everything, that if I hadn't existed, she would have had a happy life.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 that's not what I read at all.

Speaker 4 This was always going to happen. It didn't matter whether I was there or not.

Speaker 35 Every neatly penciled, diligently dated diary entry was like a puzzle piece.

Speaker 58 At first, it was a scrambled and confusing mess.

Speaker 17 But slowly, pieces started to click into place.

Speaker 31 Helen saw that everything, the narcissism, the faked illness, was all connected.

Speaker 18 Her mom was not sick with ME or Parkinson's.

Speaker 10 She was mentally ill with a condition called Munchausen syndrome.

Speaker 42 People with Munchausen's fake or exaggerate medical conditions as a means of gaining control, sympathy, or power.

Speaker 4 What I realized was that for women with narcissistic personality disorder, it often doesn't look like masculine narcissism. It often looks like victimhood.

Speaker 4 It's about getting attention

Speaker 4 and about being

Speaker 4 the poor little woman. Munchausen's is kind of perfect for that because who questions an ill person and says, I think you're making it up? Who would do that?

Speaker 4 Without the diaries, I think I would still be in the dark. I don't think I would have properly been able to put all the pieces together.

Speaker 4 There's lots of events that I see differently now.

Speaker 53 Like the trip to America where her parents seemed miraculously cured.

Speaker 21 Her mom could choose when she felt well based on what was convenient for her.

Speaker 35 And her dad hadn't actually been doing as well as her mom told her.

Speaker 4 My mom said to me, dad is better in the heat.

Speaker 4 And yet at the same time, I remember him gasping for air because it was so hot. and he couldn't breathe.

Speaker 4 And I didn't realize that those two things were opposites until I wrote my book and my agent said to me, which one was it?

Speaker 4 And I was like, oh my goodness, I've held this for 30 years

Speaker 4 and never put it together. My dad wasn't better there, but she told me that he was, so I believed her.

Speaker 55 It seems incredible.

Speaker 4 I don't think you can underestimate the power that a parent has over a child.

Speaker 4 I was talking to my daughter about a cushion downstairs once and I said to her, the grey one, you know the grey one. She was like, you mean the blue one? I was like, no, the grey one, the grey one.

Speaker 4 She was like, oh, okay.

Speaker 4 And she said she was trying to convince herself that this blue cushion was grey because I'd said that it was grey. And when I got downstairs, I was like, oh, it's not grey, it's blue.

Speaker 4 Sorry, I got that wrong.

Speaker 4 But the power that we have as adults over children to say that this is this, that even when you're looking at something, you're like, my mum must be right, so I must be seeing this wrong.

Speaker 4 If you need to accept the lie to live, then you accept the lie, right?

Speaker 54 Slowly, Helen began writing the book about her mom.

Speaker 4 It took me quite a few attempts to write it because

Speaker 4 I didn't really know how to

Speaker 4 put it all together.

Speaker 4 She wasn't a cartoon villain.

Speaker 45 Helen pulled together all the strands of truth and fiction that had shaped her world growing up.

Speaker 21 Her mom's version of events, her own memories, and the diaries.

Speaker 24 She published her book, which is titled My Mother, Munchausen's, and Me.

Speaker 4 I thought I was going to be the only person in the whole world who had been through this.

Speaker 4 That turned out to be completely wrong. I have had probably 100 people contact me from all over the world.
Some people have told me that I've explained their life to them.

Speaker 4 And, you know, I've had people saying I'm 60 and I've just realised what's happened.

Speaker 18 Helen realized she had concrete answers that many people in her situation never get.

Speaker 4 I've got the diaries and I've got so much proof in a way that a lot of people don't.

Speaker 4 I think I'm quite unusual in that a lot of people who've been through something like this, unsurprisingly, go down some really dark roads with their mental health and with ways of coping with that.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 for some reason, I've got through this and been able to write about it, which is quite unusual, but it's amazing because I can hopefully verbalize for people who can't say it what's happened.

Speaker 38 Helen will never be able to get those years of her childhood back.

Speaker 4 It's a huge betrayal. So much of my life was sacrificed to what she needed, which was actually what she wanted.
So much of

Speaker 4 who I am had to be hidden. It's taken me until the last five years

Speaker 4 to start to get back to who I am.

Speaker 4 What do I like?

Speaker 4 What do I want to do? Believing that my opinion matters and that I matter enough to be looked after.

Speaker 35 Helen says her relationship with her husband has been healing.

Speaker 4 Luckily for me, I picked the right guy.

Speaker 4 He's a wonderful, faithful, fabulous person, which is very jammy.

Speaker 4 It's taken me a long time to believe that he loves me because I just didn't think I was lovable. It's taken me a really long time

Speaker 4 to accept that he wasn't tricked, that he did want this, and that we both make each other much happier than we'd be without each other.

Speaker 21 Eleanor went to extreme lengths to control and abuse her daughter, to keep Helen's world small, and make sure it would always revolve around her.

Speaker 35 But she underestimated her daughter's resilience.

Speaker 4 I do think, in a way, my mom neglecting me was a real downfall because it meant I became so self-sufficient.

Speaker 4 It just absolutely defeated everything she wanted me to be.

Speaker 4 I was supposed to fail at a thing, but I'd learned to look after myself.

Speaker 18 Today, Helen has built the life she always dreamed of.

Speaker 21 She, Peter, and their kids live together in Nottingham, where Peter and Helen met and fell in love.

Speaker 35 They go on weekend trips with their kids, play the TV loudly, and treasure every day they spent together.

Speaker 42 We end every weekly episode with the same question.

Speaker 50 Why do you want to share your story?

Speaker 4 A really big thing for me to say was that mothers aren't necessarily good. There's this feeling that

Speaker 4 are good.

Speaker 4 No matter what, mums are good.

Speaker 4 Even if they do the wrong thing, it's because they love you so much.

Speaker 4 I'd had so many people saying to me, This can't be true, she's your mum.

Speaker 4 As if being a mum and being a bad person don't go together, and I really wanted to challenge that

Speaker 35 on the next episode of Betrayal Weekly.

Speaker 40 I came up with my plan, which was I'm going to buy a gun.

Speaker 40 That's my way out.

Speaker 61 Walking into this gun store, thinking that I cannot believe this is my life.

Speaker 55 I can't believe this is my life.

Speaker 40 I was floored.

Speaker 55 I had never felt so helpless in my life.

Speaker 29 If you would like to reach out to the betrayal team or want to tell us your your betrayal story, email us at betrayalpod at gmail.com.

Speaker 37 That's betrayalpod at gmail.com.

Speaker 20 Or follow us on Instagram at betrayalpod. You can also connect with me on Instagram at it's Andrea Gunning.

Speaker 37 To access our newsletter, view additional content, and connect with the betrayal community, join our substack at betrayal.substack.com.

Speaker 29 We're grateful for your support.

Speaker 33 One way to show support is by subscribing to our show on Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 44 And don't forget to rate and review Betrayal.

Speaker 29 Five-star reviews go a long way.

Speaker 16 A big thank you to all of our listeners.

Speaker 44 Betrayal is a production of Glass Podcasts, a division of Glass Entertainment Group in partnership with iHeart Podcasts. The show is executive produced by Nancy Glass and Jennifer Faison.

Speaker 44 Hosted and produced by me, Andrea Gunning.

Speaker 17 This episode was written and produced by Olivia Hewitt and Monique Laborde, with additional production from Ben Fetterman.

Speaker 39 Casting support from Curry Richmond.

Speaker 44 Our iHeart team is Allie Perry and Jessica Kreinchek.

Speaker 42 Audio editing and mixing by Matt Delvecchio.

Speaker 20 Additional audio editing by Tanner Robbins.

Speaker 44 Betrayals theme composed by Oliver Baines. Music library provided by MIBE Music.

Speaker 36 And for more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 24 One drink, and the brain fog clears.

Speaker 25 The fatigue lifts.

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You're focused, intentional, because the smallest move can change everything. That mindset doesn't stay on the track.

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Speaker 61 Kiscali may cause serious skin reactions, liver problems, and low white blood cell counts that may result in serious infections. Life-threatening lung problems and abnormal heartbeats can occur.

Speaker 61 Your doctor should test your heart and blood before and during treatment. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening cough, chest pain or dizziness.

Speaker 61 Before taking Kiscali, tell your doctor all your medical conditions, medicines you take and if you're breastfeeding, pregnant or planning to be, as it can harm an unborn baby.

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Speaker 61 Every lap matters. Visit Kascali.com.
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Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.