8: Dude, Where’s my Sperm?

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Excludes restaurants. In 2009, three days before Halloween, a grisly crime stunned the seaport town of Anacortes, Washington.
Mark was known as the dog whisperer of Anacortes. They soon discovered a story tangled in obsession.
Who was the hunter and who was the hunted? Follow and listen to Train to Kill, the dog trainer, the heiress, and the bodyguard on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. Blink is intended for mature audiences as it discusses topics that can be upsetting, such as drug use, sexual assault, and emotional and physical violence.
And in this particular episode, there's discussion around rape, consent, and pregnancy loss. Content warnings for each episode are included in the show notes.
Resources for drug addiction and domestic abuse can be found in the show notes and on our website, BlinkThePodcast.com. The testimonies and opinions expressed by guests of the show are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of myself or affiliates of this podcast.
We've all been left on a massive cliffhanger.

Jake had three requests in his divorce.

And in this episode, we're focusing on that third request.

Jake wanted his sperm back.

Sperm that was supposedly taken while he was locked in,

completely unable to move or speak or consent.

And if you're thinking, wait, what?

Good.

You should be.

Because,

what the fuck? Thank you. Throughout Jake's years in hospitals, he's done an incredible job piecing together his timeline, both from his own memory and also from his medical records.

But when compressed into a few podcast episodes, that timeline can get quite confusing. So here's a quick recap.
Jake was diagnosed with acute toxic progressive leukoencephalopathy in May of 2017 at Massachusetts General Hospital, MGH. He was later transferred to Fairlawn Rehabilitation Hospital, then to a nursing home, Parsons Hill, where he took a fall and then was sent to UMass Memorial briefly, and then back to MGH, which is where all of this began.
He spent time shuffling back and forth from MGH to Spalding Rehabilitation Hospital, which was quite necessary to receive the adequate care needed for his extreme condition and frankly should have been deadly complications. And then he moved into hospice where he did not die.

He was brought back to MGH.

And this is where Dr. Levinson noticed movement in Jake's wrist,

discovering that Jake was locked in.

And this is also the place where Jake was first able to communicate by eye blink.

He was then transferred to Spalding Rehabilitation Hospital,

this time for his first inpatient stay.

And then Ellen bought a house and moved him to Western Massachusetts Hospital.

But then his main doctor, back at MGH, had him transferred back to MGH temporarily until settling at Tewkesbury State Hospital, where he lived while receiving outpatient care at Spalding.

Okay, long story short, Jake was constantly shuffled between hospitals. And this certainly made it much more difficult for family to try to track him down.

And I want to say once more, this episode contains sensitive content, including discussions of consent, marital rape, and Jake's growing acceptance of the reality of what he endured.

We're starting with Jake's second stay at MGH.

This was after Parsons Hill and before he moved to hospice.

Jake is already in this pseudo-coma, locked in, and doctors are questioning whether he has any meaningful consciousness.

It's the winter of 2017.

Every little thing was extremely painful, frustrating, itchy, scratchy, sensitive. Yes, fully aware of all pain.
Quality of life was not good. All I really wanted to do is be able to say a few words to the people I loved, and that would have been good enough when I was kind of ready.
Jake was preparing to die. Hearing a doctor tell his wife, it was time.
Something that he'd hear over and over again over the coming months. Mrs.
Handel, your husband will not make it past Christmas. Now, I can't see.
I can just hear people, and I have a sense of where people are around my bed in the room, and I hear, okay, I think I would like to get a sample. You know, it's funny.
All these other medical professionals at first had no idea what she was talking about. I knew exactly what she was talking about.
And they were like, man, what do you mean? She's like, well, we all just wanted kids. Before he dies, I want to get a sample.
So one day I can have those kids. And they're like, oh, no, no, no.
You can't do that. And we'll tell you why.
Two reasons. Number one, he's non-responsive.
He's in a coma. And we don't know if that's what he would want.
You can't do that. And number two, the simple act might kill him in his condition right now.
Jake's body was highly sensitive, and doing something like this could trigger another autonomic storm. or worse.
And she just goes,

how dare you tell me what I will or will not do with my fucking husband.

If you don't like it or you don't want to watch,

get the fuck out.

I feel her going to town on me,

right in front of all of them, I assume.

I mean, from what I felt, she was definitely jarring me off. Now, was it under the blankets or was it wide out in the open? I don't know.
I'm not certain. My feeling is it was right out in the open.
And I remember hearing footsteps backing up to the door.

Not much was said. I think everyone was kind of like shocked what was happening and no one knew what to do.
You know, first of all, it felt, so it felt wild. I was having intense spasms from, I mean, you can imagine if a breeze of someone walking by you was burning your skin and ultra hypersensitive, what this would feel like.
And it was like really, really intense. And I'm spasming, and I feel muscles everywhere in my body, from my toes up to the hairs on my head, contracting and freaking out, and it felt good and painful all at the same time.
I remember hearing a charge nurse saying, Oh, hell no. hell no, this is rape, this is not okay.
And, you know, I don't really know the other talkings of what was happening in the moment. I was aghast when Jake first told me this.
I found it difficult to believe that she'd attempt that so brazenly out in the open. And that doubt is something I'm

sure many survivors come face to face with often. You know, for the record, when I was diagnosed,

because we did have two miscarriages and we did kids, and my grandmother, my dad's mother, on her deathbed, I went down to Texas to say my goodbyes, and about two weeks, ten days, something, before she died, sitting beside her bed, she took my hand, and she said, keep the family name alive, you're the last one.

So I'm like the last handle, so that always like kind of held weight with me, and I was like, I better have a son or else the handle name ceased to exist, and I told my wife that, and right around when I was diagnosed,

she got mad, left, came back within that first month. We had one or two conversations about the idea of, well, I still kind of could talk and function, freezing a sample.
Anyway, that was not revisited until this moment. There's a lot of other complex issues and reasons why I was kind of would be willing to do anything.
I guess what I'm trying to say is in that moment, if I could have spoke and my wife was doing this, at that point, anything she said would have went with me. She had all the power, like, whatever.
You know, if she said we should put him down right now, I would say, yeah. Like, whatever she wants.
I was like brainwashed, I think. Like, she had a hold over me.
As we can all imagine, this interview is quite difficult for Jake. I can see his mind working through the weight of his own words as he says them out loud, trying to make sense of what happened to him.
It's part of his story he's shared with very few people. Even some of his closest friends don't know.
But forgetting it is impossible. Jake often speaks at medical conferences, sharing his experience.
And recently, after one of these events, several nurses approached him. They said, it wasn't just in one room.
It wasn't just one moment. It was happening across multiple floors, in different rooms.
The repeated sample collection, the whispered conversations. It had sent waves of concern through the staff.
We've reached out to many of these nurses and doctors who were witness to it, and initially a few agreed to talk as long as they remained anonymous and their voices altered, but then, one by one, they backed out. No one is willing to go on record.
The fear of losing their jobs keeps them silent. And to be clear, Jake holds no resentment towards the hospital or its staff.
This was uncharted territory for them, too. Everyone was scrambling, trying to understand what was ethical, what was right, what was the protocol.
And when there is no protocol, what happens to the person who tries to stop it? I can hear the snores freaking out in the hallway. My wife is just going to town.
I mean, I hear my heart machine going off. I feel like I'm

going to have a heart attack. I mean, I always kind of felt like I was having a heart attack, but that's really pushed me into high gear.
You know, if I was a car, I was redlining for sure. States.
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Not available with other offers. I started having these thoughts of back when we initially talked about freezing a sample and then it went immediately to wait do I actually want this because then what started happening was I started thinking about well wonder if I die and I don't know if she has a kid or if she does will she even tell the kid about me or give him my last name or what? And I started having all these

thoughts and then realizing like, this should have really been thought out in a more careful way. And I didn't know what I want.
And very quickly went through all these emotions. next thing I know

it came

didn't die

I assume it went into a urinal specimen cup. Now, why do I assume this? Because I had to go somewhere, and that's in the hospital room, so I don't know, but I had a feeling.
And without saying a word, she scurried out of the room.

And two nurses come in to clean me up, I guess.

I don't know.

Check on me, make sure I'm still alive.

They start talking to each other.

I can't believe that just happened.

That's rape.

This is so wrong.

And one says, what a dumb bitch. She thinks she can run this at Boston Cardigenics and that will work.
It doesn't work this way. And I'm kind of like, oh, that's where it's going.
You know? Jake had conflicting feelings about what had happened to him. This was his wife.
She loved him. She cared for him better than anyone could.
They'd endured two pregnancy losses together, and they had hoped to create a family together still. Sex was a part of marriage, right? He couldn't consent, but did that matter if they were married? It's my wife, you know? I had a conversation with someone about this.
And this was, like, back when I didn't think it was as bad as it was. And someone said to me, well, can you imagine if this was a woman in the hospital bed and you did this? And, yeah, I mean, as soon as I heard that, I'm like that definitely wouldn't fly no way cops swatting like they'd shoot you bro why is that different man versus woman it should be the same and like that's when I realized when someone phrased it to me can you imagine if this was reverse roles, different sexes, and you did this to your wife? Yeah, I was like, yeah, definitely rape, you know? Regardless of marital status.
Consent is no longer a quiet conversation. Movements like Me Too, Time's Up, and Take Back the Night have forced society to re-examine what consent truly means and how to create safer spaces for everyone.
But while we've made progress, the reality is unsettling. Marital rape wasn't outlawed in all 50 U.S.
states until 1993. Before then, the law operated under the assumption that a husband could not rape his wife, a chilling reminder of just how deeply flawed our understanding of consent has been.
And historically, discussions around rape have centered on male perpetrators and female victims, reinforcing a limited and often harmful narrative. But the reality is broader.
According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women in the U.S. experience attempted or completed rape in their lifetime, over half by an intimate partner.
Yet what many don't realize is that one in four men also experience some form of contact sexual violence. Men make up an estimated 10 to 15 percent of adult sexual assault victims, though experts believe the number is much higher due to chronic underreporting.
And these are just the statistics for those who identify as male or female. Numbers are grossly higher for those who don't identify as cisgender.
The stigma surrounding male rape is finally beginning to crack.

More men are stepping forward, and pop culture is beginning to reflect this reality.

Take Baby Reindeer, a recent example that sheds light on male victimhood in ways rarely explored.

As our conversations around consent evolve, so too must our understanding of who needs protection, who needs to be believed,

and how we can reshape the narratives that we've long accepted as truths. Again, hard to gauge time, but what felt like two to four hours, she came back and said, everyone's not viable, have to do it again.
Again, nursing was like freaking out. They were complaining to doctors, I could like hear to this.
And this kept going on. For what I say felt like 17 days, a few times a day.
And it got to the point where my wife, I remember this, she complained that nursing kept coming in the room and we needed our privacy. And she wanted a sign to go in the door, a do not deserve even if heart monitor is going off when this was happening.
I think the logic was like, he's kind of died by Christmas anyway. I gotta get this.
I need this. I need the scene, man.
Like, before he dies, I need it. I need it.
I'm thinking of like a Dave Chappelle skit. Like, I need it, man.
It's my crack.

I need that shit. The truest thing about Jake is that he can go through some of the worst things humanly possible and still crack a joke about it.
Okay, so we're all asking the same question, right? How was this able to continue to happen? It's one thing for this to happen on one singular occasion in the hospital,

with shocked hospital staff bumbling around trying to figure out what to do. But multiple times? I now know it was a very big deal in this general.
I mean, MJ's lawyers, ethics committee, doctors were all involved apparently. Now my wife is a very convincing individual and I'm sure she, you know, explained that this is what I wanted.
I just don't understand how the decision making takes so long that something like this could potentially continue for multiple days, potentially weeks. And whether they deem it ethical or not, wouldn't you ensure his safety before a decision is made? And this happened on multiple units.
So near ICU, the place you go to after the ICU, which is like two floors above in the laundry building. Phillip's house in Ellison 22.
This happened like multiple units because I was being moved around a lot. So multiple nursing units were like up in arms freaking out.
I actually went back to do a talk at MJH and I kind of like alluded to this situation and they're like they're like oh yeah we remember that one that happened here too i'm like oh i had no idea so yeah i was being jerked off all over the hospital i know it's like i shouldn't be laughing but it's just like this is like part of the way I've got through this whole thing too, is with humor. And like, it's just so extreme that, yeah.
To answer your question, how do I go on for someone? Ked nurses, charge nurses, brought this up the ladder. I remember the ethics committee and lawyers coming in the room and hovering over my face and being like mr handle can you can you tell us if this is what you want you know i'm like fucking frozen locked in so i knew it was a big deal because of this.
And I'm gonna say something without being able to fact check it and know it's real. But I do believe I remember a time where it was like these nurses that were really erased by this.
The MGH ethics committee, a few doctors all in the room,

and her telling them, like, no, like, this is what we want.

He always wanted to get really, really, really convincing everyone.

And she did.

She had them, you know, for lack of better word,

eating out of her palm, you know. She's convincing.
She's really good, you know, for lack of their word, eating of her palm, you know. She's convincing.
She's really good, you know, at that. I had high hopes of securing an interview regarding MGH's specific response to the situation.
What were the protocols? Did Jake's case change anything? Had they encountered a situation like this before? And if it happens again, are they prepared? And I don't have an update on this for you yet, but there's still time, and my hopes are still high. There's also another interview that I was not able to secure either.
The cryobank, which stored Jake's sperm. Because I certainly was not aware that you could just show up with a cup of sperm

and have them freeze it for you.

So I was hoping to hear, how did this happen?

It's a question we unfortunately still don't have the answer to,

but I do want to add some more context to this whole situation.

Jake recalls Ellen being incredibly convincing,

which bought her time to collect as many samples as she needed.

But there was someone else backing her up as well.

Thank you. Ellen being incredibly convincing, which bought her time to collect as many samples as she needed.

But there was someone else backing her up as time. What's that? You want this translated into song? I hope you're sitting down.
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Pick up a bottle near you wherever you buy your groceries. Ellen wanted Jacob's sperm for a sperm bank.
And I was involved in that whole thing. Yeah, Jake would want this.
The staff just did not want to believe that he was making an informed consent. I said, look, I'll be the first one to tell you when he doesn't want something because I could tell.
I've been looking at his face since he was a little baby. So, you know, how do you know when a baby is happy or upset or whatever? You know, you can kind of tell something's right, something's wrong.
They didn't talk then either. I asked Duran if he was aware of all of the dangers involved in collecting a sample.
That the medical professionals were very concerned about it triggering a storm or proving to be fatal. Did he realize how dangerous it was? Well, dangerous for his health.
I mean, he had no health at that point. So it was his last shot at reproducing, basically.
So I figured, would he want that? Yes or no? Yes, probably so.

She'd had two miscarriages already.

And all he wanted was to have a child.

So I figured, well, that's the last thing I knew that he wanted.

He wanted to have a child.

Okay, well, he wanted to have a child.

That's what it takes.

I didn't think it was ridiculous.

And I paid for the sperm bank.

I was paying for everything.

I was.

She wasn't working.

She had no money.

I think it was a cost of $395 or something weird like that.

It wasn't very expensive.

It wasn't outrageously expensive.

I asked how all of this could have happened.

Did they call the sperm bank ahead of time to get instructions on how to collect a viable sample? Yeah, she took care of figuring that she had that all. Yeah, that was her job.
I asked if he had to sign any paperwork, because he was the one providing payment. Me? No, I just had to give him my credit card number.
You know? I then asked Jerome if he was aware of the difficulty Jake later had to go through during the divorce to locate the exact cryobank where his sperm sample was kept and to request that it be destroyed. Yeah, yeah.
I heard something about that. Yeah.
I don't know why she thought it belonged to her.

If anybody had claimed to it as mine, I paid for it.

I paid for the storage.

It feels as though a perfect storm of missteps and loopholes

and overlooked protocols all had to align for this to happen.

Darrow not only knew about the collection,

but actively supported Ellen's request,

assuring hospital staff that Jake would have consented,

I'm not sure. line for this to happen.
Daron not only knew about the collection, but actively supported Ellen's request, assuring hospital staff that Jake would have consented, and even covering the cost to store the sample. But that's where Daron's involvement ended.
What happened next remained a mystery, and one that complicated Jake's divorce proceedings. She had taken his sperm when he was not able to speak for himself, and he absolutely did not want her to have a child with that sperm.
So he did not want her to take the sperm and have a child. That was really important to him.
Jake wanted his sperm back. Understanding how it had been taken without his explicit consent and what happened to it after it left that hospital room became yet another battle for him and his attorney, Amy Clifford.
Desperate for answers, Jake contacted the cryobank. I call them and I'm like, Hey, I think of my stuff.
And they're like, you know, very nonchalant name. And I'm like, Jacob Handel, they're like, nope, nothing.
And I'm like, oh, maybe it's under my wife's name. They're like, nope.
Jake provides his wife's maiden name. They're like, yep.
And I'm like, great, I need that destroyed. And they're like, uh, it's not yours.
I'm like, but it is mine. And they're like, no, it's hers.
And I'm like, no, but it's actually mine. And so began a legal back and forth to get the sample destroyed.
I sort of think we might have had it in the MSA. The marital settlement agreement, which is a legally binding contract outlining the terms of the divorce, including things like property division, Jake's property being his sperm.

And I've been like, well, just send him a copy of the MSA. And then it's still they still wouldn't do it without Alan's approval.

And then I think I wrote them a cease and desist letter as an attorney, and eventually we got them. They wanted to charge money for storage too.
Hearing about the way the sperm was taken, the great lengths Jake and attorney Amy Clifford took to have it destroyed, and that there was even an attempt to charge Jake for storage, I think it's only natural to hope for some kind of justice.

A moment where the wrongs are righted,

where Jake finally gets the closure he deserves.

But that never happened.

Instead, we find ourselves right back where we started.

Jake's continued recovery

isn't just about rebuilding his physical body.

It's also about facing the truth,

coming to terms with what happened, allowing himself to see things clearly, even when the reality is far darker than the version he once clung to. And that kind of reckoning takes a different kind of strength.
And before he could move forward, there was one battle he had to fight first. The divorce.
Jake was already beginning to see glimpses of what lurked beneath the mask.

But Amy Clifford was about to step into the lion's den,

where charm was a weapon and the most dangerous predators hide in plain sight. Thank you for listening to Blank.
This podcast is hosted and produced by me, Corinne Vienne, alongside my co-creator and survivor, Jake Handel. Our original music is composed by the brilliant and talented Michael Marget.
We're so grateful for your support. If you enjoyed this episode, please consider rating, reviewing, and sharing this story with others.
For additional resources, updates, and behind the scenes content, visit our website, BlinkThePodcast.com. Blink will return with a new episode next Sunday.
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