Heather McMahan: Blow jobs, hall passes, & frat daddies

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Speaker 1 What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Speaker 1 Heather McMahon, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Hi, honey.
How are you? I am obsessed with you. Just for context to everyone that doesn't know, we met virtually while I was in Paris.
Yes.

Speaker 1 You popped onto my live show. I had the best time with you.

Speaker 2 It was so much fun. And it was like 6 a.m.
at home. And your team was like, hey, do you have a couple wigs that you could just throw on real quick? And I'm like, yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 Let me just go down to my office and get my wigs.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You pulled out all the stubs, but I'm more at Heather like, how the fuck have we never met before?

Speaker 2 I know. I feel like this is now a Kismet moment, right? We've been circling in this, well, we've been like on the, you know, we've been circling around.

Speaker 1 From the outside,

Speaker 2 we were circling the drain, and now we're just fully going to the gutter.

Speaker 1 You're close with Jackie Schimmel.

Speaker 2 Yes, Jackie's like my best friend.

Speaker 1 And every time I feel like she's ever, I've ever heard her talk about you, she's like, she's the funniest person I've ever met.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, well, at first I thought Jackie was the funniest person I've ever met. And love you, Jackie.

Speaker 1 You're funny. You're more hysterical.
You're funnier.

Speaker 1 I watched your stand-up which we're gonna get to yeah it's fucking amazing you're so sweet no like i was doing my makeup this morning watching it laughing like hysterically i like that it's fucking brilliant you like that's the response i love when people are like hey i think i got a uti after watching your special i'm like i fucking did not it's how i felt also i just want to let you know that i'm on like too many cups of coffee right now because yeah last night i didn't sleep for a fucking minute because my dog has explosive diarrhea.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've been there.

Speaker 2 Honey, I have two French bulldogs. It is a dry heave.
It is a, every morning I wake up and I bought like expensive sheets. That's one of the things I did when I started making money to treat myself.

Speaker 2 There is, my thread count is so fucked. There is a Frenchie barf every single night in the middle of the night.

Speaker 1 But I feel like you would prefer a barf over diarrhea.

Speaker 2 Honestly, at this point, it's all starting to look and smell the same.

Speaker 1 So it's not great either way. It comes out.
No, Heather, I literally was like, so I'm watching TV last night. My husband falls asleep early.
It's like 11:30.

Speaker 1 I'm watching like the perfect couple with Nicole Kidman, which is it's a thing. I have feelings, yeah, yeah, I have feelings too.

Speaker 1 Um, but you know, there's nothing to watch, so I'm like trying to enjoy myself. Matt's like, I can't watch this trash.
I'm like, shut the fuck up and go to bed, right?

Speaker 2 I hear the little noise, and I'm like, You hear up in the stomach, like the gurgle, that wet gurgle.

Speaker 1 That's the word. It's more of a little bit of like

Speaker 2 some farts, yeah, yeah, some bubbles.

Speaker 1 Like, like a point,

Speaker 2 demure being like, Did you, did your gut fart?

Speaker 1 It was more of like a splatter.

Speaker 1 Like a big splatter. People hate when I talk about shit on this show, but I don't give a shit.
Okay.

Speaker 2 If you're in your 30s and you haven't shit yourself at a Costco in the last six months, then you actually need to see a doctor. Get your life right.

Speaker 1 Like, fuck off, okay? So he's splattering. Yeah.
And I wake my husband up and I'm like, Matt, Bruce, just shit all over the carpet.

Speaker 1 And Matt is like, okay, what do you want me to do? Go clean it up. Now, I have never cleaned their shit ever if it's like in the house.
Matt is the best.

Speaker 1 And I want to talk to you about Jeff, your husband today.

Speaker 2 We'll get into that. Yeah, let's talk about Jeff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're going to talk about our husbands because I look at Matt like mortified. Matt never makes me really do much around the house.
He's kind of like the house man, you know?

Speaker 1 Ellen, we're the breadwinners. Yes.
Well, Matt's also doing fine, but whatever. Yeah.
So he won't get up and I am on my hands and knees and I am doing the Clorox. I'm doing it all.

Speaker 1 An hour later, he shits again.

Speaker 1 And two hours later, he shits again. So I, you are seeing a woman who is broken today.

Speaker 2 I'm seeing a woman who has literally had herself elbows deep and golden doodle doo-doo.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 2 I'm here for support. I actually have been having like the worst anxiety the last few days.
Why? Just there's so much shit going on. And this is what I've been looking forward to most.

Speaker 2 It's just like, I wear 65 different hats and literally I was at dinner last night trying to enjoy a nice, you know, porcini risotto. And I literally was like, kind of like, you know, geeking out.

Speaker 2 Cause it's just, do you get get I was short-circuiting I thought I had a stroke at dinner and I was like is it the Aperol Sprints do I need a beta blocker do I need a Laura tab like whatever a little bit of both a little bit of both I took a Benadryl and I just let it fly do you get anxiety a lot I never really had bad anxiety until um my life started getting good which is weird like wait why I think it's a pressure thing I think you just like and I travel so much I think I don't know like what time zone I'm in ever sick yeah it was like when when life was tough I was just cruising right when When life got like things started to, you know, start flowing, I think that's when I started to get anxious.

Speaker 1 Why? Because you think it's like there's more to lose. Like when you're on the up and up, you're like, I have nothing.
I am worth nothing. I'm a loser.

Speaker 1 Rock bottom. I was like, fuck this.

Speaker 2 And now I'm just like, oh, people are relying on me. There are comments on the internet.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 This is a safe space. The daddy gang is going to fucking love you.
And you're funny as fuck. And so you're funnier than probably everyone that I've had sitting this chair.
Oh my God.

Speaker 1 So just do your fucking thing.

Speaker 2 I know everyone calls you daddy and father, but my dad is dead. Can I just call you dad? Because I'm looking for a father figure in my life.

Speaker 1 Call me dad. I'm here for you.

Speaker 1 I've had a lot of girls reach out being like, I had a dead beat dad. Like you're my dad.
You're my father figure. Whatever way I can fit in fatherly to your life, I'm here for you, Heather.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry about your dad, but it happens, but I'm here. Okay, great.

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Speaker 1 Okay, we need to talk about golf because

Speaker 1 it consumes my life, Heather. And I know a huge part of your stand-up is you talking about your fucking husband golfing.
And the fucking golf.

Speaker 2 It is like every woman understands it the golf widow thing is so real talk to me about like where you're at in your golf journey have you seen him lately has he been on the golf course often like what's happening i was you know getting full glam this morning running around taking calls answering emails and uh my husband's buddy put us in a group chat and sent me a photo my husband's playing some prestigious course in the middle of nowhere like rock you know upstate new york and it's just like look at you know look at big daddy swing and i respond i'm working go home take care of our frenchie children get Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 You're like, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck. If he's, you know, letting it rip, I need, oh, you're stuck in a sand trap.
Not my problem.

Speaker 1 It's so crazy. Matt is having like the biggest existential crisis because his country club, even that word, it does make me kind of like clench my butthole a little bit.

Speaker 1 He's a country club. And I say you're a country club.
He's like, it's ours, Alex. Like, you're my wife now.
Like, you're a member. I'm like, I'm never going.
I don't know. Maybe I will.

Speaker 1 Like, but he is freaking out because it's getting closed for like some construction.

Speaker 2 Just the core scene.

Speaker 1 Oh, and so he's trying to get it, get it in, get it in, let's go. We got to go play.
I'm like, oh my God, you're never home.

Speaker 2 I have one stipulation. So we were at our country club, and I actually think you would thrive as a country club girly.
I don't think people give country clubs.

Speaker 2 Yes, there are archaic practices there, but I love going to my country club. It's the one I grew up at, the one my grandparents were members of.
I hang out with a pack of like 75-year-old women.

Speaker 2 They play bridge, we drink white wine, and nobody gives me shit.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 But I did say there is a stipulation like in our pre-nup because I am actually the actual member of the country club because I was a legacy.

Speaker 2 So my thing is if like we ever divorce, like I get the club membership. And if you don't think I'm going into the men's locker room and ripping Jeff's plaque off of his locker, you must not know me.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, you're going to be married forever. Even if you hate him, he's never leaving you.

Speaker 2 And I do have a great husband. So shout out to Jeff.
We won't shit on you this whole episode.

Speaker 2 But I do, when I'm there, he got mad one day because they didn't know, like under our membership, you know, they would always refer to him as Mr. McMahon.
Okay. And he got upset one day.

Speaker 2 He was like, you you know, it's just like, they don't know. I said, then Jeff, correct them.
Let them know that you are Mr. Daniels because I didn't take my husband's last name.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm in entertainment. I didn't want to do it.
It's hard. Our kids will be Daniels.
Live your life. And I was like, imagine what every woman feels like.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 If I check into a hotel and they refer to me as Miss Daniels, I go, gladly. Like, don't let that like bruise your ego.
Right. You know, and pump the brakes, buddy.
You get a tea time to make.

Speaker 1 It is so fucking true. They get like, I, I will be sitting in the hotel and Matt will hear like, hi, Mr.
Cooper. And he's like,

Speaker 1 and I'm like, like, it's okay, Matt. Stand up for yourself or shut the fuck up.
Like I have and I will continue to have to do for the X amount of years that people will say like, hi, Mrs.

Speaker 1 Kaplan and I'm Mrs. Cooper.
And I'm like, I don't care. I don't care because it's not emasculating me.
My vagina is set and fine. Like, fuck off.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about the golf aesthetic. Oh, yeah.
Let's talk about it. The golf outfits look pretty bad for women.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's pretty farty. It's rough.
It's like a pleated Shino short that tucks right underneath where your bra fat is. It's absolutely awful.
I'm trying to fix it. So give me a little time.

Speaker 1 No, it's trying to fix it. How do you feel when Jeff saunters down in the morning wearing his golf outfit? Like, are you okay with the male golf outfits or are you like,

Speaker 2 okay, so the way I feel about it is, you know, I say this in the special, but like any man who wears a visor, that's an immediate, my vagina just shrivels up. Because here's the thing.

Speaker 2 First of all, it looks like he can't afford the whole hat. You know what I mean? I don't know what needs men in visors.
And then my husband will drive home from like the golf course.

Speaker 2 You know, sunroof is open, he's at a good match, he's singing, you know, Natasha betting feel, feel the rain on my skin, and his like hair is like flipped over the visor.

Speaker 2 So he comes in sweaties and a Peter Millar shirt, grass on his sheenos. And I just go, I'm not trying to have sex with you right now.

Speaker 1 Why do they come back horny after golf? It's so

Speaker 2 because they feel empowered because they went out and won five dollars on the golf course, and then they're like, Let's do it.

Speaker 1 So I was thinking about that in your special because I'm like, okay, they come home, and Matt does the same thing. Like, Matt is successful, like, he does great in business.

Speaker 1 He will come home and be like,

Speaker 1 I want 50 bucks. And I'm literally like, he's like, you're ready to blow me.

Speaker 2 And we're like, no, take a shower. You smell like the outdoors.

Speaker 1 Get out of here. But they're so excited about that $5 or that.

Speaker 2 They conquered something. It's work is one thing, but when you're out there, when you're in a force in with guys and they're, you know, it's all shit talking and they're like, oh, here goes Jeff.

Speaker 2 He's got a 40-foot putt. And he makes it.
There is nothing that gives a man a bigger boner than sinking a putt.

Speaker 1 It's infuriating.

Speaker 2 It is infuriating. And I try and think about like, like, what makes me that horny.
And I think I'm really stepping up my golf game because I played growing up.

Speaker 2 And now I'm like, I really do, I want to play because it's a great sport, but I also just want to steal the joy of the, you know, the one thing that gives Jeff joy.

Speaker 2 And he's like, I love when you play with me. And we have a great time.
We go out and it's like.

Speaker 2 I mean, I, you know, I drink wine and, you know, rip some old sigs and just have a blast in the outdoors.

Speaker 2 But I am trying to get better to beat him because I do, I need that for my ego.

Speaker 1 But you're like sneaky on the competitive. You're like, oh, I guess I'll play too, Jeff.
Meanwhile, you're like getting sessions in the back. You're getting full like coaching sessions.

Speaker 1 I have three coaches right now.

Speaker 2 I have a gal on the LPGA. Shout out to Maria Fosse, who I send videos to, and she literally is like, we got to tighten up the swing.
Oh, yeah, I'm getting good.

Speaker 1 But Jeff doesn't even know. So one day you're going to come through.

Speaker 2 He's going to hear this and be like, you bitch, you liar.

Speaker 1 Okay, so we don't roast our husbands this entire episode.

Speaker 2 No, Jeff. Jeff's the best.
He puts up with my shit.

Speaker 2 Jeff is the only person who can look at me and be like, sit down, shut the fuck up. You're being crazy.
And I'm like, yes, sir. Yes.
Yes, daddy.

Speaker 1 Yes, Papa. Yes.
I was going to say, give me some, like, talk about some of your favorite things about Jeff because then we're going to keep roasting. Yeah, we'll get right back to the roast.

Speaker 2 No, Jeff is honestly like, you know, it's interesting if you ever like hang out with other couples and you can tell they're not actually buddies. Like, Jeff is my buddy.

Speaker 2 I mean, yeah, we fuck hard, but like, he is my buddy. I don't want to hang out with anybody else other than him.

Speaker 2 Like, of course, I love hanging out with my friends, but like, we fucking giggle together. And I think that's...
No, it's what you need. It's what you need because you're stuck with this person.

Speaker 1 No, and it's so true. Like, I used to cringe online when I would hear people being like, he's my best friend.
Like, no, he is. Like, Matt is my best friend.

Speaker 2 Like, they're not your friend. What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Right, right. Just don't like say it like that.
Like, you're always being like, he's my best friend. And we bought our forever home together.
I don't just.

Speaker 2 We have matching butterfly tattoos. Like, I got one wing.
He is the other. Like, okay, then you're, it's absolutely headed for a divorce.

Speaker 1 Tone it down.

Speaker 2 Also, Jeff is, you know, I mean, listen, I'm a comic. I get up on stage.
I rip him a new asshole. I talk about, you know, personal, intimate things in our life, and he lets me do it.

Speaker 2 And not that he like gives me permission, but I said early on, I was like, you know, I need you to be cool with me talking my truth and from my point of view, my perspective.

Speaker 2 And he's like, honey, I never, he is so proud of me when I'm on stage. And seeing him get excited when I'm having a moment, there is no ego in him.
He is never threatened. He is like, go let it rip.

Speaker 2 do your fucking thing. And that's what makes me horny.
So he's horny on the golf course. I come off stage and he's like waiting in the wings.
He's like, you fucking crushed.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I am ready to sit on your face.

Speaker 1 Yes. I'm getting kind of horny right now.
I know.

Speaker 2 We went from anxiety.

Speaker 1 I'm a little horny. I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 2 This is a wave of emotions here.

Speaker 1 No, it is. When you start talking about sex on this show, sometimes people are like, oh, I got to leave and go fuck my husband or my fiancé or whoever the fuck.
So enjoy. You're welcome, Jeff.

Speaker 1 You're so successful as a comedian. Have you always been funny? Like, talk to me, you as a child.
Like, what was going on? Is Heather funny? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I, you know, I was a fudgy kid. I, and that, I was the kid who, like, always had like a quarter pound of fudge in their, in their, uh, uh, backpack.
So yeah, I think I had to be, be funny.

Speaker 2 But no, I, I always, you know, I was always in theater and I always knew I wanted to do comedy. I mean, since I was like six, I was like, I'm going to be, I'm going to tell jokes.

Speaker 2 And I, the first time I did stand-up was at my junior prom and I roasted the senior class. And that was like one of those pivotal moments.
I was always doing theater.

Speaker 2 And I was like, you know, think about how awkward high school is. Most awkward time of your life.
Right?

Speaker 2 I must be a sociopath if I was like, I'm going to go up there and roast the seniors and stand up. Like that could have been social suicide.

Speaker 1 We need to pause because,

Speaker 1 hold on. You did stand up at your prom.
Uh-huh. Pause.

Speaker 1 Are you at the prom? Like also with the date?

Speaker 2 Yes, I am with a senior who invited me.

Speaker 1 So you're in a gown.

Speaker 2 I'm in a gown and no one knew. So yeah, so I pop up literally like from under a table with a microphone.

Speaker 1 I'm like, are y'all ready to rock? Like so embarrassing.

Speaker 2 We have the video of it and it's just, it's insane.

Speaker 1 Is I have never heard of this. Like at a prom, there's usually like a band.

Speaker 2 No, I was the surprise entertainment. Yeah.
Yeah. It was insane.
And so I get up and I do like 20 minutes. And I remember walking off stage and thinking, oh, fuck.
I have to do this forever.

Speaker 2 So then I just, I kind of never stopped.

Speaker 1 Cause you just knew. I knew.
Yeah. But like, were you confident? Like you didn't give a fuck what people were going to think about you at school?

Speaker 2 I honestly, no. And I, listen, I went to the same school from kindergarten through 12th grade.
So I also wasn't trying to impress these fuckers anymore.

Speaker 2 But no, I think that like, listen, as a comic, if you don't feel like a touch cringey when you're trying out new shit, then you're not doing it right. Right.

Speaker 2 But no, I just, there was nothing, there was no other feeling in my life that I wanted to chase as much as that feeling of making people laugh. Love.

Speaker 2 And I'll tell you, another, we're really going to boost Jeff now, but when I, I was living in New York when I met Jeff, we've been together a long time.

Speaker 2 And I looked at him one day and I said, listen, I got to go to LA. I got to follow this.
I got to scratch that itch. And he was sitting in like a Bukha de Beppo or some shit.

Speaker 1 And he's like, I love you so much.

Speaker 1 And he's like, follow your dreams.

Speaker 2 And in that moment, I was like, oh, fuck, I'm going to marry this guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. We were long distance for like eight years.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What?

Speaker 2 I know. It's, it's, I have girls call me all the time like, Heather, I'm long distance.
It's been like three months with my boyfriend.

Speaker 2 I'm like, if you're not thriving in your own zone, and if that person can't handle y'all doing your own thing, then you don't need to be together.

Speaker 1 Okay, long distance where you, he stayed in New York and you went to LA? Yes.

Speaker 2 Well, I was only in LA for like four or five years, but then I moved back to Atlanta after my dad passed and Jeff was finishing like a graduate program in New York. We were just back and forth.

Speaker 2 I mean, we, we just made it work. Never in a breakup, never a pause.
It was just always me and Jeff daddy.

Speaker 1 Okay, because I'm going to be real, you and Jeff Daddy are defying the odds because I have been the little cunt on my podcast sometimes and been like, I don't know if like long distance is worth it.

Speaker 1 I used to say that also in college mostly because I'm like, enjoy your college.

Speaker 2 It's also not worth it because if you're in college, you're probably cheating.

Speaker 1 Like, let's be honest. If you're in college right now listening to this with a long distance boyfriend, you're getting cheated on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, leave it. Also, just say, hey, we're going to break up during college and I'll see you when you're working for Goldman Sachs and you're out of here.

Speaker 1 Done. What are we doing? Done.
Yeah. I think that was really my vision was like, it's just too hard in college.

Speaker 2 However, when you are adult and you can make it long distance work it's amazing but that takes very secure people to have trust and to be okay with that long distance but like good for you guys he used to come to all my comedy shows and this is like when I was in New York and I you know performing for 10 people in an audience underneath the Brooklyn Bridge and he'd be in his little suits from his real estate job and he'd sit on the front row and people thought he was my manager so we were like wow your manager is like really dialed into your career and I'm like oh no no no I blow that guy stop stop honestly that was probably kind of hot you're like so hot you're like looking at him like he's your business manager.

Speaker 1 You're like, ooh, we're not supposed to, but we should. Let's go fuck in my car.
100%. I love that for you guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and the Jetta. I only sold the Jetta about three years ago.
So kind of wish I would have kept it.

Speaker 1 Wait, the Jetta was the first car I ever wanted, and then I just could never get a first car until like I started making my own money. My parents were like, we're never getting you a car.

Speaker 1 So get a job. And I was like, oh, okay.
But I always wanted a Jetta.

Speaker 2 Jetta, shout out to Volkswagen.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 they're a great car. Sponsor us.
Sponsor us.

Speaker 2 I would love a new Jetta. I'm really, when I sold that car, I was actually sad about it.
It's a cute car.

Speaker 1 And I got a sensible.

Speaker 2 I didn't go G-Wagon. I went, you know, hybrid Audi Q5.
Shout out to Audi. Sponsorship.
I think I want the Cayenne because that was the car

Speaker 2 my dad had. And I really want it.
I was like, that's when I know. I think I might buy it.

Speaker 1 No, that was like, I realized that. Shit from your childhood really sticks with you.

Speaker 1 When I went to a private prep school that like I really couldn't afford, I got like a soccer scholarship for high school and I didn't have a car.

Speaker 1 And so I'm taking the bus every day and these bitches are rolling in with like Maseratis because their daddies are so fucking rich. And I remember there was this one bitch that had this cool Porsche.

Speaker 1 It was the cayenne and she had it like, it was a white one with like black wheels. And I was like, whenever I get my first paycheck, that's me not working at my smoothie shop job.

Speaker 1 Like I'm getting the fucking Porsche. And the first thing that I bought for myself for a car was the Porsche.
And I'm like, the only reason I still got it was because I think of that girl.

Speaker 1 I can't say that.

Speaker 2 It's a core memory. But it's that core memory being like, fucking Michelle has it.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm getting it. I was like, and I'm like, I don't even know if I actually wanted the Porsche.
I was literally just like living out my high school insecurity, being like, I finally got it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm like, do I like it? I actually do. Sponsor me.

Speaker 1 Okay, you went to University of Mississippi. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hotty-totty.

Speaker 1 Can you explain your experience in three words? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Unhinged.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Full throttle. That's two.
That's two. Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 2 Okay. Unhinged.

Speaker 2 Mayonnaise. What?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 just

Speaker 2 elated.

Speaker 2 I had the best four years of my life. Shout out to the University of Mississippi.
I just did a show for them last week and I loved it. My college experience was out of this world.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like from freshman year.

Speaker 2 From freshman year. Here's the thing.
I, even being from the South, because I grew up in Atlanta, I didn't know anything about Mississippi.

Speaker 2 The reason I ended up at Ole Miss is because it was the only college that led me.

Speaker 1 You're like, actually, when I got accepted, I was like, fuck. But you got there.

Speaker 2 And you're like, I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine and do like theater arts. Like, Like imagine me in Malibu.
No, absolutely not.

Speaker 2 So I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine. It was two weeks before graduation and I didn't get in because I thought I was going to go to their prestigious theater program.
Well, here's the thing.

Speaker 2 I was student body president, but a blind cat could have done better on the SATs.

Speaker 2 I'm not a scholastic test taking copy. I mean, either.

Speaker 1 On paper, it's rough. Okay.

Speaker 2 So I didn't get in and I was, I remember sitting down with like the college counselor and she's like, there's two schools that have good theater departments and they still are taking applicants.

Speaker 2 It was Alabama and Olmis. I swear to God, ouch, my hand on the Bible.
I visited Alabama. I'm in Tuscaloosa.
I'm at like the Sigma Chi house. I watched a man snort cocaine off a chicken tender.

Speaker 2 And I said, I called my daddy and I said, I'm going to Ole Miss.

Speaker 2 Like, I like to party, but this is, this is another world.

Speaker 1 This is some next level shit.

Speaker 2 So I showed up in Oxford, Mississippi. I didn't know anybody.
I did the sorority rush. I had the time of my life.
I don't know how I got into a good sorority. Like all of the things, it just clicked.

Speaker 2 And I, and I, we own a home there now. I bought a house in Oxford.

Speaker 1 You did?

Speaker 2 I go back all the time. I love it.
Hold on.

Speaker 1 Cocaine on a chicken thinger?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was a lot. It was, and you know, in the South, we got juicy Tinders.
It's not like a light, it's not like a, like a, it's not a slim Tinder.

Speaker 1 It's a thick boy.

Speaker 2 It's a thick boy. And I just remember going, I don't know if I'm going to.

Speaker 1 That's some real shit. No, I love that your honesty is like, I love old miss.
Like, it was my, it's the only place I got accepted. But like, who cares? You end up.

Speaker 1 And that's, I think, a great note for anyone that's in high school listening. God,

Speaker 1 maybe there are people that listen in high school. There are.
You'd be surprised. You guys, like, it really doesn't matter where the fuck you go, it does not matter, and you'll find your spot.

Speaker 2 Like, I remember being so devastated, thinking, okay, I'm not going to be this, like, you know, Shakespearean actor. What is going on? And I ended up like, it's

Speaker 2 the greatest joy of my life. And also, I would not have met my husband because my best friend, Tina, who works with me and helps to romantic production company, she was from New York.

Speaker 2 So this bitch flies down. We're both in the theater department.
I'm like, where the fuck are you from? She's like, where the fuck are you from? And she's the one who introduced me to my husband.

Speaker 2 So I had to go all the way to Mississippi to find a Yankee.

Speaker 1 It's, oh my God, it's so meant to be. Also, you mentioned sorority life.

Speaker 1 I played soccer, so I didn't, I still to this day don't fully understand sorority life. And I feel like what I'm seeing on TikTok may not be the exact representation of what it maybe used to be.

Speaker 1 Because now bitches are like synchronized dancing and stuff, which maybe it was back then. But can you walk me through?

Speaker 2 It is really wild. I get asked this a lot about what my sorority life experience is like.
I do think you're right. Social media has completely changed the game.
Oh my God.

Speaker 2 I mean, when I went to college, I hate to date myself, but it was the first year that Facebook came out. So, you know, I didn't have to worry about somebody looking at my online profile.

Speaker 2 I just showed up in a Lily Pulitzer skirt and was like, y'all ready to fucking do this or what?

Speaker 2 I was pledged class president. I was bid day chair.
I had the best time. And also, like, I see girls online that talk about hazing.
No one hazed my ass.

Speaker 2 I showed up to the Delta Gamma house at the University of Mississippi. I had a monogram pillow with my name on it and a new, you know, bottle of

Speaker 2 like barefoot white wine. I had the time of my life.
but also I'm 5'10. You don't really haze them.
You don't absolutely margin in charge.

Speaker 1 No, I would stop.

Speaker 1 I was gonna fucking say, like, I feel like what I'm watching on on TikTok right now is like, first of all, the dorm situation, how are they, like, I showed up with the Jansport backpack and I had like a duffel bag and I like threw shit in that I like bought off of eBay.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Well, you got like a bed, bath, and beyond.

Speaker 2 I had a bed in a bag. That's what you did.
I called my roommate who I had never met before and I said, what color scheme were we going with? We did lime green, hot pink and black and literally

Speaker 2 bag. You got you got the comforter, the one sheet.
You only had one set of sheets. That's it.

Speaker 1 You're like changing your sheet. That's it.
And then I got, I remember like when the first day of school started, they had those like poster sales, and I got like channing Tatum on one wall.

Speaker 1 Of course. And then I got like hot girls' asses because I was like, This will really like the guys will think we're cool for them.
They love this. Exactly.

Speaker 1 I'm hot if they see hot girls on my wall because that makes sense. That makes so much sense.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I don't understand when they're like, Let's do a transformation and they do the click and it goes from like a dreary dorm room to immediately it's like you look like you're in a fucking palace I have my sister who that's her job now she runs has a whole business where she redoes the olemiss dorm rooms Wow, they have like antiques in the room they're built I mean I had literally like three those stacked from plastic bins that you get at like staples I didn't even go to a container store I went to like Office Max and I put my thongs in there and like a bottle of like bourbon that was rolling around in the back like nothing about my room.

Speaker 2 I had a desktop Alex. I didn't even have a laptop.
My dad ran an IT company and he was so afraid that somebody was going to like steal my identity.

Speaker 2 And finally I called him and I was like, dad, I got to get a laptop. Like I can't be the person lugging the desktop on a dolly all the way up to the library.

Speaker 1 Like what the fuck are we doing here?

Speaker 1 What is happening?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I was also a theater major, so I didn't really need, you know, a computer, but.

Speaker 1 But still, the point is, is like, it was, it is different right now. And I do believe some of the bitches on TikTok are really going above and beyond for social media.

Speaker 1 Like if you're someone at college right now that is literally just bringing your PB teen sheets and you got a book bag and that's all you have.

Speaker 2 Pottery Barn teen. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 That was Lux.

Speaker 2 That was the shit.

Speaker 2 Do you remember when Jersey sheets, like jersey sheets came out and it felt like you were rolling around on a pair of Levi jeans, really actually not comfortable and not sweat wicking?

Speaker 2 I remember my mom is like a gift, send me the jersey pottery barn teen sheets. And I was like in flames when I woke up.

Speaker 1 I thought I had the flu. So fucking hot.
I remember I got like these dark gray ones. Yeah.
And the first time a guy guy came on my sheets and I only had again one fucking pair.

Speaker 1 So I was just looking at that shit like, damn, I'm fucked. And I just left it there.

Speaker 2 Later on, after the cum had dried and you were like trying to scrape it off, you were like, we'll just get that off at the end.

Speaker 1 It's fucking disgusting. Anyways, okay, so you were rushing.
You got into your sorority. Can you like tell me, like, do you remember like your chance?

Speaker 1 Do I remember my chance?

Speaker 2 I thought you would never ask. So interesting enough, so I went to the home chapter.
Delta Gamma was founded at the University of Mississippi.

Speaker 2 It was a big deal that they led a woman not from Mississippi into the sorority. I don't know who wrote me a rec, but they, they saw my ass coming and they said, she's got potential.
Damn. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I, um, it was funny during Rush. So we used to do this thing called a door song.
Okay. And you might have seen it on Vama TikTok.
Now they banned it.

Speaker 2 But like, so somebody comes and knocks on the door. Okay.
The door opens and like 200 girls hit the deck. I was always on the bottom because I was beefy.

Speaker 2 So I'd be on the bottom of this door holding up the weight of my sorority sisters on me and we'd be like, D, E, L T A, Delta, D, E, L, T, A, and do this whole thing.

Speaker 2 And then what would happen is everybody would get off the dog pile and run out and grab a girl who's rushing. So you're like running through the lawn being like, Emily, Emily, where are you?

Speaker 2 And you had to pretend like you didn't know who they were, but you had like had giant cards. I mean, you're studying them.
And then you're like looking around, like, I can't see her.

Speaker 2 And then this little girl, Emily, pops out of the bush. She's like, it's me.
And then we would run them through the DG house.

Speaker 2 And of course, since I was on the the bottom i was like breathless so by the time i got up i would literally be like where's emily emily from jackson mississippi are you here

Speaker 2 like you're all your makeup is gone you're drenched i am so moist it's it's it's like it's not healthy your back is blown out it's awful you have nothing left to give i have nothing left and then you crowd them in this room this chapter room and you know we're like sitting at them like breathing hot fire breath on them just being like trying to get them to cry to be like do you want to be here this is the greatest day of my life i ate it up though i had the time of my life oh my god what do you think you loved about it because it's a little culty no it is but I really just met all my best friends there.

Speaker 2 Love. And again, I, there was not hazing.
So when I see girls that had like a really, like if they ever lined us up and like circled our fat, I would have been like, I win. I get it.

Speaker 2 Just y'all go home. I'm the fattest one.
I put on 45 pounds my freshman year. Like just y'all go home.
Right. I, it was a lot of, I mean, we did like philanthropy work.

Speaker 2 We had raging parties it really was not toxic i'm sure a couple

Speaker 2 you know yeah i mean we fought a couple times but i was also kind of the black sheep like i was always sent to standards because i was smoking cigarettes standing up that's that was a weird rule if it you know if you want to smoke a cigarette if you want to rip a heater you got to sit down cross your legs wait what yeah because you got to look ladylike oh my god so you can smoke cigs but you just have to do it

Speaker 2 down so if i was standing up i couldn't but if i was sitting down having a cigarette uh-uh that's kosher you know do you still to this day sit down or do you stand up?

Speaker 2 Um, I only have, uh, I hope my life insurance policy doesn't hear about this.

Speaker 2 I love a, I'm kidding, hypothetically, allegedly, I love just a sig when I'm in Italy. It's my vacation sig, but I'm not a smoker.
Okay. Contrary to popular belief, people hear my voice.

Speaker 2 I'm not a smoker.

Speaker 1 You've got a great voice.

Speaker 2 But can I also say to this younger generation, I really get concerned about, I was at the college bar the other day, and we have a bar in our town called The Library. Oh, cool.

Speaker 2 So when my dad would see my, all my charges, he called me one day. He's like, God damn it, Heather, return your fucking books to the library.
This is insane.

Speaker 2 He didn't know it was a bar.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, it's my favorite bar.

Speaker 2 But literally, I see these kids, like everybody's ripping the vape, and they're all passing it around.

Speaker 2 And I turn to a young man in the bar and I go, honey, this is how you get mono or cold sores. I don't know what we're doing here, but y'all all need to just have your own vape.
I'm

Speaker 1 Heather, no, no, I thought you were going to say something completely different. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 This is how you're going to get lung cancer. No, you're not fucking.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. I'm worried about Epstein-Barr virus.
I am not worried about their lungs, okay?

Speaker 1 Come on now. I don't have time for that.
Instead of being like, you don't, you shouldn't have them. You're like, just each of you get your own.

Speaker 1 Back up.

Speaker 2 I mean, this is why you guys are all going to have strep throats.

Speaker 1 Get your own. Put your life together.
Daddy Gang, stop jeweling. Stop jeweling.
We're done.

Speaker 1 Okay, I know you refer to yourself as the elder millennial. That's true, right?

Speaker 2 Well, yeah. I mean, I am, I'm, you know, 30.
You're a young woman.

Speaker 1 Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I am young, youthful.

Speaker 1 You're very young. Thank you.
I want to talk about some of the millennial trends. Okay.

Speaker 1 And I want to hear your take is, do you think we should bring them back or how do you feel about them in general?

Speaker 2 I'm so excited for this.

Speaker 1 Side parts.

Speaker 2 Oh, let me tell you, there is nothing more dramatic, more old Hollywood glam than a side part. I was actually in my sorority house the other day and I found my old composite photo.

Speaker 2 It was such a deep side part. It started at the base of my jaw.
Okay. It was just a thick comb over.

Speaker 2 I had no eyebrows. But I either, I think the middle part, like I'm fighting for my life right now.
I have an intense cow lick.

Speaker 2 And if you knew the amount of time, effort, and orbay, dry texture spray that is holding me together.

Speaker 1 Wait, because which way do we go? Which way does your hair usually go?

Speaker 2 Naturally, it should go this way.

Speaker 1 So it wants to be comb over.

Speaker 2 It wants to go full Donald Drunk.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 It really does.

Speaker 2 I love the deep side part. You know, obviously, you know, if you do the deep side part and we do the stick straight, like the chi straightener, it's not a good look.

Speaker 1 It's, it's really not a good look. And I feel like depending on what phase you're at in your life, like when I look back at pictures of myself as a young girl,

Speaker 1 I was objectively not.

Speaker 1 I wasn't like the cutest. Okay.
I really,

Speaker 1 it really wasn't. It wasn't.

Speaker 2 I didn't know that though. No one pulled me aside and said, let's blend a smoky eye.
Let's draw in our eyebrows.

Speaker 2 Let's maybe go for a leisurely walk so we can get some steps in. I was deep throating like, you know, hot pockets, chugging bourbon.
I had not a care in the world.

Speaker 1 But you were happy.

Speaker 2 I was, I've never been happier.

Speaker 2 Now I'm getting everything I want. And I'm like, God, this fucking sucks.

Speaker 1 Like, I want to go back to the good old days. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's true that like when you don't have the eye for it, I guess I can say when I look back at pictures of myself, there is a difference between a side part and the comb over.

Speaker 1 And when you do the comb over and you're not going for Hollywood glam, like you're not going to an event and you're just looking for the side part, it can really look busted.

Speaker 1 So I think it, I think you're right. It depends on what, what you're doing with it.
But I would say the side part is usually a flop.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.
You know what? Fair enough, but you also have a perfect straight line through your head. So I just think that you need to be a little more inclusive to the cowlick community.

Speaker 2 No, that's all I'm saying.

Speaker 1 You want to hear something crazy? What? I have a fucking cowlick. Where? Yeah, exactly.
The amount of time that I spent

Speaker 1 pushing, pushing, moving. Gel starts at 7 a.m., bitch.
And it's fucking almost two o'clock in the afternoon. This sit was, it was sitting, setting, melting, pressing.

Speaker 2 And the clips, I'll go to an event. I'll be about to walk the red carpet and I'm like, take the clips out.
Remove the clips.

Speaker 1 Last minute, always.

Speaker 1 The amount of gel and like shit that I had to get to this point. And I sleep with it sometimes like that.
Wow. Yeah.
I'm dedicated.

Speaker 1 I love it. It's the trauma from childhood where I like look back at those curvatures that I was putting over my fucking, it looked so fucking bad that I am straight part and I will never deter.

Speaker 1 Have you ever had side bangs?

Speaker 2 No. Well, I did go through a little bit of an emo phase.
I was always, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I would be at the like the band's warp tour in like junior high and I would always be in like a full Hollister outfit and a Puka shell necklace.

Speaker 2 I still dress like Dave Matthews band-esque, but I was at seeing, you know, something corporate, Simple Plan, or one of those bands.

Speaker 1 Stop. I feel like we would have been friends.
Like, I was, I went through such an emote phase, and I would do the colorful, like, skinny jeans with like a band t-shirt.

Speaker 1 I was obsessed with Simple Plan, Blinkwinity 2. Then I went into all-time low.
I had all these different, like, I was obsessed with Avril Levine. I wanted to be her.

Speaker 2 Oh, Avril Levine is, I remember being like a, you know, a chubby sixth grader, and I'd come home and I'd put her CD in.

Speaker 2 I like, because, you know, we, we, we had a little money so I had this six dischanger and I would just literally be like I'm fitting in the sun yes

Speaker 1 it's just like

Speaker 2 rage out my mom would be like this one

Speaker 1 I was naturally I would think like happy like I didn't want to be emo but I loved the concept of being emo we're just dramatic you were dramatic yeah we're a little dramatic yeah I'm sorry that it's annoying um okay how do you feel about tall uggs

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Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 it's the shopping season, and I love to buy clothes and things and treats and gifts. And it's like, I get so giddy during this time.

Speaker 1 On one hand, yes, I'm a consumer, but I'm also a business owner, daddy gang, okay? And I have new merch on the block.

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Speaker 1 Head to shopify.com slash daddy to see how easy it is to start your business today. How do you feel about tall Uggs? Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, here's my thing.
My best feature on my body is my thin ankle. Okay.
I never, I mean, look at that. Have you ever seen a nice, more developed, thinner ankle? That is a very nice thickness.

Speaker 2 It's a very nice ankle, thank you.

Speaker 1 Because it gets thin.

Speaker 2 It's very thin. And I also have nice toe cleavage.
I've been told from the toe, the foot fetish community that my foot, while very wide, in a shoe, the top of my toes is apparently very sensual.

Speaker 1 Really? Have you ever thought about making a couple bucks?

Speaker 2 I have, but I did see that one person left me a bad review on Wikifeets, and it's knocked my rating down to like a 3.5.

Speaker 1 Very upset. You're not actually on WikiFeets, are you? What the fuck?

Speaker 2 I didn't know it was a thing. And somebody at one of my shows was like, hey, by the way, I just want you to know, like, your rating went down on Wikifeets.
I was like, what the fuck is WikiFeets?

Speaker 1 Dude, Heather, I'm not kidding you. I'm convinced that almost every single man in the world has a foot fetish.

Speaker 2 You know, here's the thing.

Speaker 1 It's not hurtful. No, it's not hurtful.
It's just radio.

Speaker 2 I would do OnlyFans in a heartbeat if dudes want to send me money to look at my little piggies.

Speaker 1 That would be fantastic. And it's just, it's natural, too.

Speaker 2 It's natural.

Speaker 1 It's either you got it or you don't. No one's getting like foot implants.
No one's getting like really fake. It's you got it or you don't.
And if you got it, flaunt it.

Speaker 2 I would like to say, because you have such a huge international platform, I, you know, big Nike fan, but I've got a wide, wide, girthy foot.

Speaker 2 And if you guys could send me some pairs cut in a wide, that would be fantastic. I go online and the only pair that's in an extra wide is an orthotic.

Speaker 2 So please, for the love of God, make a wide in an Air Force One. Okay.

Speaker 2 I had to take that opportunity.

Speaker 1 I could have said something to like find peace in the middle east but instead i'm like can i get a custom nike in a wide because my toes are falling asleep nara they're literally coming on here and being like what other brand deals did i want to get out of this episode yes i'm what are we getting we're getting a porsche we're getting we're getting a jetta jetti an audio outie and free shoes for life and orbay and uggs and uggs okay thank you back to the ugs okay so the uggs so i'm gonna tell you i'm having a lot of fun i'm having a lot of fun with you too okay back to the uggs okay here's the thing to be fair sometimes it's also hard to podcast with people that like my favorite favorite podcasting usually is when people podcast for a living because, like, you know how to

Speaker 1 do it. So, thank you.
Thank you for showing up today. Um, okay, tall Uggs.

Speaker 2 Okay, tall Uggs. I, I don't like a sweaty calf.
Okay, you know, I, I, I would wear them. I went to a Christian school, so we had to wear the uniforms.
And in the winter, that was a thing.

Speaker 2 You wore the tall Ugg.

Speaker 1 You could wear them with your uniform. I could wear them.

Speaker 2 We didn't have to wear like Mary Jane's or anything. I'd wear a tall Ugg with my little like Catholic schoolgirl uniform.

Speaker 2 And I just remember huffing it, you know, through the parking lot, just like, these are fucking hot.

Speaker 1 Wait, did you have boys at your school? We did. What the fuck, Heather? I went to an, I went to a full co-ed um K through eight.
I was like in Catholic school and I had to wear the plaid skirt.

Speaker 1 And I used to have to say this to like my boyfriends. I'm like, I know it sounds hot.
Like I was fucking hideous and it's not a sexual fantasy. Okay.

Speaker 1 Now I'd look hot in it, but back then it was like to the knee. And if not, they'd slap you with the fucking ruler.
Like literally old school shit. And then we had to have the thigh highs.

Speaker 1 They weren't thigh highs. They went to the knee and they were the big socks.

Speaker 2 With the Mary Jane shoe.

Speaker 1 And then they changed to saddle shoes at one point, which was like the black and the white shoe. And then we had the collared shirts.
That wasn't hot.

Speaker 2 We had the whole uniform. We could wear the socks, but we in the winter, they would allow us to wear the hugs.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And then eventually they got pants because I think I like walked into the principal's office and said, I'm fucking freezing. Okay.
And I'm a heavy set.

Speaker 2 So if I'm cold, imagine what these thin bitches are feeling. This is unbelievable.
We have rights.

Speaker 1 We do have rights. Fuck you.
Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Soul cycle.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, that's a little triggering. And you should should have warned me that you were going to bring that up on such a trigger war.

Speaker 2 I worked at Soul Cycle. Okay, in West Hollywood, around the corner.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 When I moved to LA, I needed a part-time job. Okay.
And I couldn't get a job at a restaurant, which was really weird because I had worked at some of like the best restaurants in New York.

Speaker 2 I had this crazy, you know, Michelin star experience. And I could not get a job working as a bartender, even like a hostess in LA.
Why do you think? Because I wasn't a porn star. That's why.

Speaker 2 I wore a sensible, supportive bra to work. I would show up to these like interviews with this insane New York resume and they were like, but are your nips hard? You know?

Speaker 1 I was like, I can make them hard. Give me 10 seconds.
I'll be right back.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I would go and I would think that I was going for like a nice, you know, like

Speaker 2 an interview at Spago. And they were like, actually, we have a nightclub and we were wondering if you want to be a promoter.
I'm like, I'm 23 years old.

Speaker 2 I should not be roaming the streets of Los Angeles trying to get people to come to your nightclub. That's annoying.
So I ended up at Soul Cycle. And I remember my interview.

Speaker 2 I was interviewing to be on the front desk, but I said, because I wanted to let them think that like, I was here for the long haul. Of course.

Speaker 2 I remember saying, like, obviously I'd start with the front desk. And I understand you have to work your way up, but my goal is to eventually be an instructor.

Speaker 2 And the girl interviewing me was just like, yeah, we're good. Nothing about you says like, you know, star of the fitness community.

Speaker 2 But I actually had a great time. Soul Cycle was so fun.
I met my best friends, my buddy Raymond, shout out to Ray. He's still one of my best friends.

Speaker 2 We used to get in trouble because we would work at the front desk and be like you know gravely hungover of course and i'd be eating like a chipotle burrito bowl and a diet dr pepper and finally my manager said heather this is like a fitness studio people don't celebrities don't want to come in and work out when you're like dry heaving over a barbacoa bowl get your shit together no yeah

Speaker 1 i kind of love that for you you're like you know what though like this is me and this is who i'm gonna be and i'm only at the front desk so like that you can go back there and fucking work out i'm sorry heather i've gone on one of the bikes before yeah i when i was working this ad sales job job, they were like, team bonding, let's go across the street and like during lunchtime, go on the fucking soul cycle bikes.

Speaker 1 It hurts. Pussy throbbed.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's not great.

Speaker 1 It's not like a good horseback riding where you're like, I'm getting a little turned on. It's rubbing my clit in the right way.
This is like physical pain.

Speaker 2 No, this is where your urethra is just ripped off. Like you have road rash, but it's on your P-hole.

Speaker 1 I'm getting like bruises. And then like you go to sleep at night and you can feel like your pelvis area like pulsating, not in a sexual way.

Speaker 2 But then actually once you do it two or three times, then you're in it. But see, see, I knew how to work the system there.

Speaker 2 I would, you know, all these big celebs would come in and I would slip my little business card that I made on like Vistaprint. Okay.
To have my head shot on it.

Speaker 2 And I would slide it into their like bags. And I'd be like, if you ever need an assistant, if you ever need somebody to open for you on the road, please ask me.
Oh my God. So funny.

Speaker 2 I did that to Whitney Cummings and I must have given her 10 business cards. She never once called me.
And then we're buds now.

Speaker 2 And I literally was like, Whitney, I need you to just know that I used to drop my business card. I mean, this was 10 years ago.

Speaker 1 I feel like, Whitney, I was either down to be your assistant or open for you. I didn't either.
So fuck you, but I also.

Speaker 2 Fuck you, but now I'm a guest on your podcast. So

Speaker 2 it was amazing. I loved it.

Speaker 1 So we love Soul Cycle. Okay.
Skinny jeans.

Speaker 2 Oh, again, I am pro skinny jean because I do want to flex my best asset. But

Speaker 2 I mean, God, that for me, you know, you said your crotch here during Soul Cycle. I always had a yeast or a UTI from a skinny jean.
It just was so tight, right in the grundle.

Speaker 1 It can't be worse than jean shorts, though.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't fuck with jean shorts. You don't? No, what are we doing here? I don't.

Speaker 1 No, absolutely not.

Speaker 2 I'm not fucking with a jean short.

Speaker 2 I'm pushing 40. You think I need to be in a jean short?

Speaker 1 Get out of here. We are.
So are you just...

Speaker 1 What are we doing here?

Speaker 1 Of course I wear jean shorts.

Speaker 1 You do? I think I do. Are you lying?

Speaker 2 No, I, I.

Speaker 1 Is that the first time you've lied on this podcast? Say, are you? It is. Here, can I tell you?

Speaker 2 I'm in a tough spot. I put on a little weight.
And I had all these jean shorts that I bought from Zara. And I just I tried them on the other day and I was like it's it's a no-go.

Speaker 2 So I'm just very bitter about that.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. And I get it like jean shorts, you have to be really like you have to be tan.
You need to feel good.

Speaker 1 It needs to be the perfect thing or just a short dress that's flowy is always a great go-to. Like I'm always like, oh, I can like relax here.

Speaker 2 But jean shorts are like, yeah, they're kind of the I'm a baby doll dress kind of gal and I know those had a moment on TikTok, but I've got giant jugs and I like a little, I like to just sit right here, titties under my neck.

Speaker 1 Are they real? They're real. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. And I'll tell you what, I got perfect nips.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 2 For a large breast, I got a really nice breast to areola ratio. Fuck.
Yeah, that's my one. That's a good one.

Speaker 1 You have so much good shit. Fuck you.
You're like, let me show you my thin little ankle. Also, perfect fucking nibs.

Speaker 2 I literally come in here and been like, I had a great sorority. My husband is fantastic.
Life is great. Now I haven't shipped today, and I do have anxiety.

Speaker 1 But other than that, I'm thriving.

Speaker 2 No, but I, I mean, listen. Great tits.

Speaker 2 I am always, now, especially, you know, being in the spotlight, I pick apart myself all the time.

Speaker 1 No, it's nice to like be like, yeah, I fucking like something about myself.

Speaker 2 And you know what?

Speaker 2 They're not where they used to be. I definitely would love a lift, but they are, the areola is nice.

Speaker 1 I'm fucking jealous, and I'm already picturing it. Like, I'm thinking of it sexually.
Your husband is lucky moving on. Super thin eyebrows.

Speaker 2 Oh. No, those,

Speaker 2 they should never come back.

Speaker 1 Okay, but what's worse? The like giant. I mean, mine are looking a little big today.

Speaker 2 I mean, mine are thick too.

Speaker 2 I'd rather more than less.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 2 Because you can always pull a friend aside take them to you know uh coffee bean and just say hey what are we doing you know this comes from love where we can peel it back yeah but you can never but the amount of growth serum castor oil you know and all the eyelash serums apparently make you go blind and they ruin the collagen underneath the eyes wait what yeah oh yeah that's a whole thing now Yeah, apparently we've been using all the lash serums and they apparently dissolve all the fat underneath your eyes.

Speaker 1 And I mean, perfect. I mean, you know, maybe I should start rubbing this all over my body.

Speaker 2 But no, thin eyebrows should never come back. That is a crime against humanity.
It should be outlawed. You should have to do hard time.
If you're overplucking, you need to get your life right.

Speaker 1 But then, like, it's so unfair because I look at Pamela Anderson and like in my twisted mind, I'm like, God, I wish I could pull that off. No one can pull it off but her.
But her.

Speaker 1 And just let her have it and move on. I really.
I suffered, and I think because you said earlier you didn't have eyebrows. I growing up had, I had the hair.

Speaker 1 I had nothing to show for the hair because like if you saw me in the right lighting, you'd see like what looked like a unibrow and it's like all just peach fuzz.

Speaker 1 I finally dyed them when I was in high school and I had never felt better in my life. I was like, oh my God, my five head is gone.
I've got the angles. It looks good.

Speaker 1 But then I just kept building on it. And I feel like I really took it to a level where I see pictures of myself in the freshman year of college.

Speaker 1 It's bad.

Speaker 2 They got too much.

Speaker 1 They were black.

Speaker 2 Yeah. We definitely over-dyed for a long time.

Speaker 1 And they were cinder blocks.

Speaker 2 I always had thick, natural, bushy brows, but I would go to the nail salon and you know, they would just like hold you down in the back. I never went to like an eyebrow specialist.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I'm getting a fresh gel set and I'm getting my eyebrows done in the back. And I came out one day and the tips were gone.
I mean, they ran away with them.

Speaker 2 And then you know how long it takes to grow that shit back?

Speaker 1 Oh, you're fucked. You're fucked.

Speaker 2 So my entire college career, I have my deep side part. I'm in a pair of gaucho pants.
I'm in a halter top. My, you know, perfect nipples are hanging out.

Speaker 2 I put on 45 pounds and I got no brows and I didn't blend a smoky eye. I mean, I've really come a long way

Speaker 2 picturing you smoking a fucking sig with a sig and a nice, you know, Jessica Simpson wedge.

Speaker 1 Gauchos.

Speaker 2 Gauchos. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's good. God, they were good.

Speaker 2 Gauchos were great. And then if you wanted to hook up with somebody, I'm kind of in a gaucho now.
You didn't even have to take them off.

Speaker 2 They could just slide a hand up there and just finger you, you know? And that was, that was fun.

Speaker 1 The width was impeccable.

Speaker 1 I think we should maybe bring gauchos back.

Speaker 2 I think we should. I know people are trying to do the barrel jean and I'm not in.

Speaker 2 You know what you can do is finger somebody in a barrel jean. You can't even get half a fist up there.

Speaker 2 I don't like. I'm like.

Speaker 2 Also, who wants to finger somebody in a barrel jean? If I see a bitch coming down the street in a barrel jean, I'm like, I'm not attracted.

Speaker 1 No, it's not. No, it's not the look.

Speaker 2 Gals, that's what we need to, the barrel jeans are out.

Speaker 1 But don't you think that is where that's a definition of women dressing for women where they like the girls will think these are cute? I don't know, though.

Speaker 2 Well, as a full woman, just you know, right now here in the bush, I say no, don't fucking do it.

Speaker 1 Let's get rid of it. Bring the gout shows back.
Buy to the barrel. Yeah.
Okay, this is controversial because I'm staring at your ankle, and I guess

Speaker 1 this goes against everything that we've talked about today about this one body part that's really a highlight for you. Ankle socks, I don't know if you realize, are

Speaker 2 they're currently out. What do you oh, ankle? Oh, but what do you have?

Speaker 1 These are

Speaker 2 is that not an ankle sock? No.

Speaker 1 Ankle socks is where you're showing your fucking ankle.

Speaker 2 Okay, but I have a no-show. I thought that was a no-shock.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're going to say you have no socks. No, no, no.
Get out.

Speaker 1 You stinking.

Speaker 2 I had a wide fucking foot. If you think I'm letting these cheddar blocks just marinate in here, I'm not trying to bake a casserole, okay? Again, Nike, I'd like a wide.

Speaker 2 Okay, wait, so I thought that was a crew sock.

Speaker 1 So this is whatever the fuck you want to call it, but this is not an ankle sock.

Speaker 2 This is that like Hailey Bieber, like Princess Diana, Yeah, trendy.

Speaker 2 And I did not know that I was, I feel, I feel attached.

Speaker 1 No. The problem is this would cover your, one of your best assets.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I will say, I, I, my husband, one of his favorite looks is the look you have on right now. He likes the bike short, the oversized sweatshirt.
And I'll do the, the, you know, the scrunch socks.

Speaker 2 You will. I will scrunch sock socks.

Speaker 1 Because your outfit right now, you wouldn't technically look at you.

Speaker 2 I know now I'm like, I don't, I don't know what to do. I'm like, can I get, like, can I sit like this?

Speaker 2 I don't know what to do.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, don't die.

Speaker 1 You love me. It's getting hot in here.
I'm so sorry. I'm disadjusting.
I started this fucking podcast saying to you, I was breathing, and now it's fucking hot. Can someone turn on the air?

Speaker 1 Okay, let's talk about, obviously, you mentioned your family went through a hard time. You lost your dad.
And so that kind of like.

Speaker 2 Thanks for bringing that.

Speaker 1 No, I know.

Speaker 1 I'm your father, sweetie.

Speaker 2 Yes, dad.

Speaker 1 R.I.P.

Speaker 1 We love you, Kyle. Yeah, we love you, Kyle.

Speaker 1 You moved in with your mom. Yes.
And you moved in with Jeff, with your mom. And at this point, you weren't married, right?

Speaker 2 You're engaged? So, okay. Backtrack.
When my dad died, I was living in LA. I picked up my shit.
I moved home. Okay.
And then I moved at some point up to New York.

Speaker 2 But then when the pandemic hit, Jeff and I moved from New York back to Atlanta and I'm living in my childhood home. So Jeff and I are, we, and we haven't moved out.

Speaker 2 Like, like we are, we are still Three's company. Why?

Speaker 2 Great question.

Speaker 2 Because I talked to my financial advisor the other day and he's like, Heather, you're living pretty cheaply. You could, you could move on.
I don't know why. I think,

Speaker 2 I mean, listen, I adore my mom. She was my buddy.

Speaker 2 I constantly think like the thought of her sitting at home alone on a Friday night hits me in a deep way that like it just gets me like chills down my spine.

Speaker 2 I don't know. It's not normal.

Speaker 2 My husband loves it because he gets treated like a king. You know, I'm the one who can't, I'm the one who gets yelled at.

Speaker 1 Wait, I was going to say, walk me through this. So it's you, your husband, your mom.
And it's like a normal day.

Speaker 1 Are you guys able to like slightly, like what's the room setup? Like, where is where?

Speaker 2 Like, um, so you would think that I'd be in like the primary bedroom. I am not.
We just blew out a couple closets. So we built like another primary.
My mom is still in the main bedroom. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm in my childhood bedroom that we like blew out two closets to expand. And you know, it's funny.
Somebody asked me the other day, they're like, What's the wildest like place you've ever had sex?

Speaker 2 I'm like, Where I currently have sex in my home with my mom down the hall, who sometimes will chime in and be like, Jeff, I can tell from that sound, she doesn't like it.

Speaker 1 No, no,

Speaker 1 no. Had you ever had sex in your childhood room or like even gotten fingered or felt up or you weren't allowed to go in there?

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, no, I was allowed to have boys in there, but I also, you know, I don't think a lot of guys called.

Speaker 2 No, it is funny being back in my childhood home, but you know, my husband, my mom adores him and he just gets treated like a king, where it is funny being back at my house because my mom, even though like I'm running the ruse to like make money and pay for everything, she'll throw shit in a basket.

Speaker 2 Okay, I don't know if your parents did this growing up. Like, my mom, I'll walk in the door from being on tour.
Heather, you got 14 things you need to carry. It's all in your basket.

Speaker 2 I opened all your mail. Your taxes are due tomorrow.
You know, you've got some money in your bank account. And I'm like, quit going through my shit.
Doesn't matter that I'm an adult.

Speaker 2 She still treats me like I'm 13 years old.

Speaker 1 I kind of love it, though. It's kind of cozy.

Speaker 2 It is so cozy. I mean, it's insane, but my mom is, you know, my mom and dad were each other's truly loves of their life.
And my mom was 11 years older than my late dad. Oh.
original cougar. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 So, my mom, it's been wild trying to watch her date now. And she's been bamboozled on like these dating apps multiple times.

Speaker 2 It's like she thinks she's talking to an architect from New York. Of course.
He's, you know, somewhere in another country and he's trying to steal all her social security number.

Speaker 2 So, really, I have to live with my mom because it's Fort Knox. She's just trying to get, you know, a little dick on the side.
And I'm not going to have an inheritance because some guy

Speaker 2 on the other side of the world is stealing all of the funds. Oh, my God.
gosh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's bad. Oh my fucking God.
And my mom's great.

Speaker 2 And she's kind of at this point, she's 76, doesn't look a day over 40. My mom's hot.
Perky titties, like tiny, she's spunky. She travels.

Speaker 2 And I keep trying to, you know, I ask my audience all the time, I'm like, anybody got a rich uncle or a great dad who my mom doesn't want to get married again. She just wants to travel.

Speaker 1 She wants to feel something with a guy. She wants to feel something.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she's like, Heather, I'm not dead yet. I'd still like to be intimate.
I said, you get up on that horse and ride, girl.

Speaker 1 Fuck, we, that's so incredible. And I actually agree.
Like, the thought of a parent being alone as they're getting older makes me want to start crying.

Speaker 1 So I think you're like a lovely human being for to do that. But like, are you guys caring at all? So you're not caring when you're having sex that your mom's going to hear you.

Speaker 2 No, but I do, I have much better sex when I'm on the road and I'm in a four seasons and Jeff, we kind of feel bad. Like the parents got away.
And it is funny.

Speaker 2 We do call my mom the toddler because when we like go to dinner with her, she sits in the back seat and she watches her iPad and she's giggling to her YouTubes.

Speaker 1 And Jeff gets along with with her.

Speaker 2 Jeff gets along with her. I mean, listen, he is so patient, but Jeff is, my mom's from up north and my husband's from up north.
So they kind of like had their own banter.

Speaker 2 And I'm just sitting on the porch drinking an ass tea going, I do declare, why are y'all yelling in this house?

Speaker 1 I'm obsessed with it. I also just think like the fact is as a comedian, like it's a really good dynamic.
It works. It works.
It's working. It's working.
That's, I'm like, I'm not.

Speaker 2 Now I would like a little bit more money because if I could expand, if we could upgrade, we need, I would like a big chateau with like a guest house.

Speaker 2 So I, I at least get to be in my own four walls without Robin barking down my throat. Um, but you know, we're putting that on the vision board.

Speaker 1 Something,

Speaker 1 something that you talk about in your stand-up special that had me cackling. Well, two things.
We have to talk about two things. One is blowjobs because

Speaker 2 love them and hate them.

Speaker 1 Sweetie.

Speaker 1 Sweetie. Sweetie.

Speaker 1 The way that you

Speaker 1 described heading downtown to the wiener. Yeah.
And seeing the wiener hole.

Speaker 1 The wiener hole approaching it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was a goofy ass hole down there. It is.

Speaker 1 Yeah. The wiener hole.
But it works if you like swirl your tongue in there a little. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's a little. If you don't get in that little hole, then they're not getting in yours.
And we all know this.

Speaker 1 Give them a little surprise.

Speaker 2 But I never try and go over the other hole. You know what I mean? I'm like, that is, you do, you.

Speaker 2 You know, when you're married, at least, you know, when your spouse has diarrhea. It's every 30 minutes, just like your sweet dog.

Speaker 2 So it's like when people are like, oh, you know, you like eating butt.

Speaker 2 i'm like no jeff had you know jalapeno poppers at tgi fridays on a golf outing and he's been bitching about it all day no i don't want to lick his butthole

Speaker 1 no it's fucked when you do like i have never like been opposed and i know that's like bad of me to say but like i'm in the blowjob and it's the accessory to a blowjob moment yeah but you know in between that little gooch i mean i'll take oh i'll tickle i'll tickle the gooch i'm in the gooch i am hitting the taint i slap it around a little bit.

Speaker 2 I take the dick, just hit me on both sides. Like I'm doing a little, you know, get ready with me.
I mean, I'm doing the layers of blush, Patrick Taub, the whole works.

Speaker 2 But I'll tell you right now, I'm not getting, I'm not going for the bath.

Speaker 1 What I love about.

Speaker 2 Unless he is rinsed out in the yard.

Speaker 1 No, that's what's crazy is if, like, I've had guys before be like, go down there, go down there. And I'm just like rubbing it because I'm like, I can smell it through the tunnel.
It's

Speaker 1 the water.

Speaker 1 It's wafting towards my nostrils and I'm uninterested in the fecal matter.

Speaker 2 I got a long nail. You just tickle, you take the skin, you roll it around a little bit.

Speaker 1 Because it's also not lost on me. If I go down there and then I go to the wiener and then he puts it in, your shit is in my fucking V.
And I'm heading to the hospital. Thank you.

Speaker 1 That's happened before to me.

Speaker 2 And you know what we're trying not to do?

Speaker 1 Have a repeat. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, so. Yeah, we get back to Blow Johnson.

Speaker 1 What I do appreciate you doing, and I could feel the energy in.

Speaker 2 the stadium when you were saying this is a stadium it was a theater but yes i am also playing stadium she's in a stadium.

Speaker 1 It was a stadium. It was a fucking stadium.
Is you talking to men and just being like,

Speaker 1 you say it better, but like not really thinking about the dick while you're on the dick.

Speaker 2 The last thing I have ever thought about while I have a dick in my mouth is that dick in my mouth. I am thinking about the drama that is going on in the next door app.

Speaker 2 I am thinking about, you know, the rogue raccoon I possibly may have run over in the Audi Q5 hybrid.

Speaker 1 Wait, are you deep in the next door app? It's insane. Do I need to get on that? No, no, you don't have time.

Speaker 2 I mean, you're like, you're running an empire, but you're running like a shempire, okay?

Speaker 2 No, I love it. I'm in a group chat with all the ladies of my neighborhood.
And when I tell you, it is so fun. We had a car burglary like two weeks ago.

Speaker 2 If you give a pack of women, and I do say pack of women because we are like wild wolves.

Speaker 1 We are.

Speaker 2 If you give a pack of women in a suburban community, two clues, they have already found the perpetrator. They found who's linked to.
We have taken down a full cartel.

Speaker 2 so I just want to say fuck the FBI

Speaker 1 white suburban women and we are off to the races not Karens we are more Sharon's you know I am like not kidding you I've heard people talk about this and I think I even if I'm just on the periphery and want to read about like read in on my community I'd kind of like to get in there because I like dumb shit drama that kind of has nothing to do with me unless I guess they're saying that there's like a murderer in our neighborhood so refreshing if you're like I can be on the periphery and just kind of like chime in every now and then fantastic but yes, if there's a murderer in my bushes, please let me know.

Speaker 1 Have you heard a stalker? You know what?

Speaker 2 No, but not yet, bitch.

Speaker 1 Challenge accepted.

Speaker 1 No. I've had one person that has

Speaker 1 lightly kicked it up a notch. Oh, kicked it up with a note.
That is a way to put it. It could be equivalent to like getting a little stalkery.

Speaker 1 But I've done a pretty good job at really like putting things to an end when it gets a little out of control. But someone's kicked it up a notch recently and Matt's handling it.

Speaker 2 I like that. So, Jeff.
You? My husband runs his own meet and greets at my shows by the bar.

Speaker 2 So, you know, because I have a ton of gals that come to the shows and he's in the corner just being like, oh, did you want to get a photo? And I'm like, Jeff, she's fucking nuts. I told you about her.

Speaker 2 Saw that. That's Carol Ann.
Run away.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he loves that. Do you have a soccer?

Speaker 2 No, but I did have a woman break into my backstage once. Oh.
Yeah, but it was my fault because I had given the security guards a couple of Chick-fil-A party platters.

Speaker 2 So they were just raw dogging some nuggets. Meanwhile, I'm back there completely out in the nude because I like to like really dress up for my shows.

Speaker 2 So I come out and I sweat like a beast on stage and then I rip off my suit.

Speaker 2 So I was had just taken off my glitter suit and I'm about to put on my jeans and a woman's in the doorway and she's like, I found you.

Speaker 2 You know, so one thing you say to somebody, you don't say to somebody, I found you. And then she followed with, don't worry, I'm not going to touch you.
Nope. I was like, that's worse.

Speaker 2 I'd rather you just fucking grab my cooter and let's call it a day. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, let's get to the point. So what do you want? So what did you do?

Speaker 2 I said, can I, I literally was like, can I just put on some clothes? And I put on my clothes. I was like, what's up, girl? And she's like, man, I just told, I said, how'd you get back here?

Speaker 2 She said, I just told the security guard, you know, like, my name's Lane.

Speaker 1 I was like, what? No, no. That's what's so funny about those moments.
It's like when they tell the security guards, like, oh, we're friends. We're from this.
Sometimes they're like, oh, go in. Go in.

Speaker 2 I'm not worried about a mael stalker.

Speaker 2 I think I'd like a little bit of a boost to the ego, but I have always said that I will probably be murdered one day in a TJ Maxx by a, you know, a white gal named like, you know, Michelle or Tanya.

Speaker 2 Like that's going to happen. That's who's taking you to the bottom.
I think that's who's taking you. Like, you didn't read my DM.
I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 I didn't know. I didn't know.

Speaker 1 I think a light stalker is always good because it keeps you like, oh, we're doing something right. Like, we're kind of a big deal.
We're actually like doing things. We're really big deal.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Back to the blowjobs.

Speaker 2 Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1 Great transition.

Speaker 1 I actually think I'm done with the blowjobs. The point is, is, ladies, you don't have to feel bad.

Speaker 1 And in your special breadwinner, you really, really touch on the important fact of like no one is thinking about giving head when they're giving head.

Speaker 1 And it's okay if you're multitasking and that's fine. And what did, what was the other thing you fucking said that was so funny?

Speaker 1 Oh, oh my God, that you believe that all men are slightly on the spectrum and all women have ADHD.

Speaker 2 I do.

Speaker 2 I think so. Here's the thing.
Men are really good at getting dialed into one thing. My husband is incredibly successful, but he's successful at one thing at a time.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, I will be on stage delivering jokes. I already have my like Uber Eats order in my head.
And I'm like, oh, fuck, I've got to call my attorney on Monday about the thing with the thing.

Speaker 2 And I'm multitasking all the time.

Speaker 2 I mean, there are some days where I feel like ADHD can cripple you, but I've realized it's actually, I feel like all women's superpowers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it gets it, it gets shit done.

Speaker 2 We get shit done. But yes, I do not think about any, anything sexual while I'm blowing my husband.
And I tell women the best thing.

Speaker 2 And when people come to my show, you know, they used to be like, oh, I drug my husband. And then the husbands have the best fucking time.

Speaker 2 My show is for everybody but my job is i like to i know it's so annoying i had i drug my husband here i'm like that you didn't have to put a gun in his head first you said

Speaker 2 i blow them backstage if you come to my show i will put your dick in my mouth

Speaker 1 i thought you were saying the people were saying they drugged their husbands sorry i probably said that with a little country twang like they drugged them husbands to my show i'm like all these men are fucked

Speaker 2 so what that is the the husbands were out working in the yard, and then the women gave them a little night, you know, a little pill

Speaker 2 in a poor slot. And next thing you know, they're at a Heather McMahon show.
Could you imagine? No, I don't. If all of a sudden you just came to and you're like in a room and there's a glitter,

Speaker 2 you know, a full-figure blonde woman in a glitter suit just being like, this is what happens when there's a dick in your mouth. That would be like the worst trip of your life.

Speaker 1 I'm happy that I clarified, Heather, because I'm not fucking kidding. You have multiple comments would have been, damn, like, why didn't you talk about how like she drugs her?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 I meant, I meant when you drag, like, like, you drag them to come, drag, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the guys are like, fuck, I never saw it that way.
And they have a great time.

Speaker 2 But yes, I don't think guys realize we're always, the mind's always swirling.

Speaker 1 We're always on the move. We're always on the move.
We need to talk about the hall pass situation.

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Speaker 1 We need to talk about the hall pass situation. Okay, great.

Speaker 1 Yes. I'm not, I'm not trying to give away too much of your special because everyone needs to go watch it and there's so much good fucking shit.

Speaker 1 But this hall pass situation, you almost can't help but be like, did this actually fucking happen? This is insane, Heather.

Speaker 2 This is insane.

Speaker 1 Walk us through.

Speaker 2 Also, legally, I don't know what, I don't know what I'm allowed to say, but no, I, my, my husband's hall pass is the incredible, gorgeous model Kate Upton. Love.

Speaker 2 And we were down at the Dirks to Caicos and she had like DM'd because we had mutual friends. Hey, saw you're down here.
Like, would you like to come over for like a cocktail? What a nice DM.

Speaker 2 What a nice DM. And I hadn't gotten my husband a Christmas gift.
And I leaned over and I was just like, hey, let's go to a, you know, let's go have some cocktails.

Speaker 2 I told him that my sorority sister was down there. It's so good.
And so I get him there. I drag him over to this cocktail hour.
The door answers and it's Kate's husband, Justin Burlander.

Speaker 2 And Jeff immediately, because, you know, my husband's a biggest sports fanatic, he had a full boner, full boner standing on the welcome mat of this like, you know,

Speaker 1 of my chub.

Speaker 2 Holy fuck. And I just kind of turned around.
I remember now I'll have it in slow motion. I just kind of gave him that like, like, fuck you, Jeff, look.

Speaker 1 And do you think he knew Kate was in there at that point? Or did he just think this is a random coincidence?

Speaker 2 No, he immediately, like, he immediately, as soon as he locked eyes, Justin, he was like, let's fucking go.

Speaker 1 You're kind of like a brave woman to bring your husband into the same room as his hall pass.

Speaker 2 Well, also, Justin Berlander is an incredible athlete, makes a billion dollars and is like a model himself. So I wasn't worried about it.
If Jeff ever made anything weird, this guy is, you know,

Speaker 2 an all-star athlete. I feel like he could have body checked Jeff.

Speaker 1 No, you're right. And by the end of the time, you're probably like, if he's going to go with her, I at least could go with this.
And it's not a bad opinion.

Speaker 2 You know what I told Jeff later on? He was like, I can't believe you made that happen. I said, of course, and we never told Kate.
She didn't know until I sent her the clip from the special.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, did you run it by her?

Speaker 2 No, I was just like, hey, I just want you to know, like, and Kate is the coolest chick in the world. I want you to know she was so great.
And, and of course, I did not tell her at that dinner.

Speaker 2 Like, we're sitting at this table with all their friends and, and I'm kicking Jeff. I'm like, Jeff, you've been staring too long.
Like, he's in the corner, just kind of frothing at the mouth.

Speaker 2 And one of their friends had mentioned, they're like, yeah, it's so weird. You know, like, Kate is, it's just the coolest chick.
She's so awesome. But like, guys get really weird around her.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I was like, shut the fuck up, Jeff. Smile, eat a shrimp cocktail.

Speaker 2 Getting weird. But no, they were awesome.
But I do think that I have really,

Speaker 2 you know, exposed Jeff to these these cool opportunities. He's gotten to meet all of his sports heroes.
And what have I gotten? Let me tell you, all I wanted, all I wanted were two tickets.

Speaker 2 I wanted an Airs tour ticket. Okay.
I wanted a Beyonce ticket. Did you go? I went on, because I made it happen.

Speaker 1 Doc.

Speaker 2 We were in, actually, this is a great story. We were in.

Speaker 2 I was in Australia. Okay.
And I was doing my tour in Australia in February. Well, Taylor Swift just happened to be there at the same time.
Love.

Speaker 2 You can't get tickets resale in Australia because they don't have like a stub hub. It's like illegal.
Okay. But I was like, Jeff, figure it out.
Call my agent, figure it out, surprise me.

Speaker 2 I want to go. It's my last night in Sydney.
I've been in Australia for a month, Tori. Okay.
Jeff's like, I have a surprise for you tonight. I'm like, this is it.
He got tickets.

Speaker 2 I'm going to the heiress tour. I've got the friendship bracelets ready.
Let's go. And next thing you know, our hotel was right around the corner from the Sydney Harbor Bridge.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So it's five o'clock. I'm like getting ready.
He's like, no, no, no, just go dress casual. I'm like, oh, he's got a surprise.
He probably has like an outfit for me.

Speaker 2 Like, this guy thought of everything.

Speaker 2 He made me climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge instead of letting me go to the air store. Now, mind you, I have a fear of outdoor heights.

Speaker 2 If I'm on a tall balcony, I'm always like, not that I would ever want to harm myself. I don't have intrusive thoughts, but I'm always kind of like, what would happen if I just left? Right.

Speaker 1 You know, it's just a little bit like, what if?

Speaker 2 What if? Right.

Speaker 1 You can't help.

Speaker 2 So I am on the top of the bridge in this like full windsuit, windbreaker onesie, gripping the side. And they, they put me at the

Speaker 2 back of the

Speaker 1 group. I can't even talk because I'm having like flashbacks of how traumatic that was.

Speaker 2 They put me in the back of the group. I'm clinging on to the side of the bridge and the guy comes up.
He's like, are you good?

Speaker 2 And I was like, I was supposed to be at the air restaurant and I'm freezing on top of this bridge. And we got off the bridge.
We take a photo.

Speaker 2 The photo that we have on top of the bridge is the funniest shit. They're like, smile.
And I'm like doing a peace sign.

Speaker 1 Like, just like, I hate my husband.

Speaker 2 Oh, I had stroked out at that point. I was completely like, there was no mind-body connection.
I cried when we got off the bridge. And I'm not a, I'm, I'm a tough cookie.
Yep.

Speaker 2 And Jeff went to give me a hug. He's like, wasn't that the best? And I was like, I don't know if it's just going to work out.

Speaker 1 Like, get away from me, you piece of fucking shit. Men, that can be so fucking dumb.
So dumb. Like, you knew I wanted this.

Speaker 1 And because we're not going, like, figure out something that we could at least

Speaker 2 surprise me.

Speaker 1 And also probably let you know beforehand the surprise ain't gonna be Taylor, but I got something else for you to make it as big, like as great as I could to make up for it.

Speaker 2 His defense was, it was our our last night in Sydney. Of course, we'd never get to do this again.

Speaker 2 And the fun, the best part was when you go to do the climb on the Sydney Bridge, they have all these celebrities that are up and they play the photos while you're doing the safety briefing.

Speaker 2 They play the photos of all the celebrities and there's a couple like D-list celebrities. And I was like, they didn't even ask to take my photo at the end of this.

Speaker 2 Like, do they know why?

Speaker 2 So not only did I shit myself on top of this bridge, they don't even have a record of it for when other people go to climb the Sydney bridge.

Speaker 2 They don't know that the number one comedian of all time, Heather McMahon, was on the bridge.

Speaker 1 Heather.

Speaker 2 Yeah, against my will. But it was a great memory.

Speaker 1 So have you ever gone and seen the Eras Tour?

Speaker 2 I did. I saw it a couple weeks ago in London.
And let me tell you what, it was awesome. I'm, you know, I'm a theater nerd.

Speaker 2 I wanted to see the production. Yeah.
And it was just fucking awesome for Taylor.

Speaker 1 It is so incredible. Like, I went once and I'm going to go again.
And I am,

Speaker 1 I just fucking love her.

Speaker 2 I love her too. And I didn't really, I think I kind of missed literally the era of Taylor, like for the breakup moments growing up.
I was just like two years older than that. Okay.

Speaker 2 So while the girlies were crying to, you know, me, yeah, when the girlies were crying to all these songs, I was in my dorm room listening to 36 mafia.

Speaker 2 That was what, you know, I was doing drive-bys in the Jeddah past the ATO house, just being like, Nook, if you book, Nook, if you book, you know, like that's and I was like, it's a love story, baby, just say yes.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. That was not.

Speaker 2 I was in revenge mode. That's why Reputation is my favorite album.

Speaker 1 Oh, it is.

Speaker 2 That's why I wear snake skin, you know? Yeah, I'm a reputation girly.

Speaker 1 I'm literally like a folklore girly. Really?

Speaker 2 But that's great. I mean, I have a softer side, but I love that.
When she's in the full snake skin and the one leg's out, oof, I love it.

Speaker 1 When are you going on your cruise?

Speaker 2 That's in April. I'm doing a cruise.
And again, you know, I talked about possibly getting murdered in a TJ Maxx. It also might happen on the Lido Day.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, I don't know if you're coming back, but you'll have a good time.

Speaker 2 I will. And I may not come back because I'll get a res in the Bahamas.
I don't know what's going to happen, but we are doing a cruise and it's like 2,000 fans on the cruise and it's other comedians.

Speaker 2 And it's just going to be four days at sea of us just letting it rip.

Speaker 1 And so will you just like roam around in a mu moo?

Speaker 2 Yes, absolutely. With a piña colada and a rum runner in my other hand?

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 And are you going to just like next to you could like saying next to you could be like one of your fans and like you could be knocking on on the wall and they like oh you're just like one with the people i'm one with the people but also you know when you do comedy too like i i have meet and greets after my shows and i i know everybody like you know i i'm one with the people um i mean you did have to you know the cruise isn't a super cheap thing to do so i'm hoping that people who are making a financial investment are also like maybe a little touch less crazy but actually the richest ones you know are the the ones that are crazy they'll bring you the gifts to the show and it's like you're like i bought you a virkin bag and i put an air tag in it so i know where you are at all times you're like, I don't, the Virkin bag for me is a little too cumbersome.

Speaker 2 Okay. I think it's a bad investment.
I said it. I'm going to get absolutely burned at the stake for saying agree.
It's heavy. It's, it's, just big.

Speaker 1 It's also like, it's clunky. It's not that cute.

Speaker 2 And you can't, like, you can't put it over the shoulder. So if you're trying to like, like, look thin in a photo, you know what I mean? You're like, it's like, it's just, it just squeezes the arm.

Speaker 2 It's not a good thing. It's cumbersome.
It's cumbersome. But yeah, we're doing a cruise.
It's going to be insane. Comedy at night.
My mom's going to be there.

Speaker 2 My husband's going to be running poker tournaments in the casino. Taking pictures with the fans.
Yeah, my sister's a criminal defense attorney.

Speaker 2 So I'm keeping her on land because I might have to, you know, we don't know what's going to happen.

Speaker 2 She's going to be at the port in Miami as people are getting off the boat or not getting off the boat. So she's going to get a couple new clients for sure.

Speaker 1 Will you be posting on your social media about it when you're there?

Speaker 2 We're going to, we really should make a full documentary about it.

Speaker 1 Wait, what?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's firefetts and it turns like super dark. And then at the end, it's just all of us with like the neurovirus just like, and that was the day that the ship never came back.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't, no, it will never happen, but I honestly then have it like an in-memorium at the Emmys, and I have, you know, I haven't been nominated yet, but at least I'd be there.

Speaker 1 At least I'd be there.

Speaker 2 Glass half full, baby.

Speaker 1 I am so excited for you. Okay, can we talk about the special now? We're wrapping up.
Yeah, I mean, we've been talking about the special the whole time, but I do want to know.

Speaker 1 Like, I was talking to Hannah Berner about this the other month. My girl.

Speaker 1 I just am so, it's so incredible to watch people that truly deserve it and are actually so fucking funny, like get what they deserve. And I'm so happy for you.
How did this even come to be?

Speaker 2 Well, so I, um, I produced my own special and I did the first one. I did the same thing.
So I didn't, in this business, you cannot wait around for people. I mean, listen, you're a self-starter.

Speaker 2 You just, if you build it, they will come. So I

Speaker 2 just shot it. I shot it at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, which is like my home theater.
I mean, talk about like a real full circle moment for me.

Speaker 2 And then I, you know, then you take it out to market and you sell it. So it is so cool.
The one thing, the one thing I really love about stand-up is nobody can tell me no.

Speaker 2 You know, it is in this business, you get in TV developmental deals. They take forever.
You know, you got to get a thousand attorneys involved, all this shit. But for stand-up, I can just.

Speaker 2 pop into a place, get on stage, say my piece, do the damn thing. And as long as there are asses in seats, listen, there could be one person in the fucking audience.

Speaker 1 I'm like, we're going to have a good time.

Speaker 2 But like, that is, it is the, the greatest love of my life other than my family is uh a getting to do stand-up and it just brings me so much joy it's so incredible it's gonna be on hulu right yeah on hulu what is the exact date it comes out that's a great question um i don't know but we will post on instagram it's coming out very soon i know it's going to be insane I was going to say the date.

Speaker 2 Can I just tell you right now, I do think it should win a Peabody. I should at least get nominated for the Emmys.

Speaker 2 Hi, my name is Heather McMahon. My comedy special breadwinner is coming out on Hulu.

Speaker 2 And when I tell you, I'm a bad bitch, I'm wearing a denim outfit that's bedazzled, and it is probably going to be one of the greatest pieces of art and comedy ever seen.

Speaker 2 It should be nominated for awards, or at least give me a Mark Twain comedy award. Thank you so much.
God bless. Live, laugh, love.

Speaker 1 Tune in on bleep.

Speaker 2 It's very soon. I'll fucking put it in the chat.
I've never been great with details. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm so excited for you. Oh my God.
That was like a, we're like, bleep, hello. Okay, we're back.
Um wrapping up. We're like, we we need to shut the fuck up and go film some content.

Speaker 1 This has been really fun.

Speaker 2 Has it? Can I tell you?

Speaker 2 I really enjoy you. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass.
This has been fun. I'm so proud of you.
I know we just met, but it is so fucking cool to see fucking bitches doing it. I know what they do.

Speaker 2 Just doing it, period. And you should be so proud of yourself.

Speaker 1 Thank you. I feel the same way about you.
That's why it's so fun to do what we do because I feel like we get to like see each other on social media.

Speaker 1 And it's always funny to be like, what is this bitch going to be like? I'm sure you thought that when you were coming here, like, what is Alex who we're going to be like?

Speaker 1 And I, I am so happy happy you're so fucking normal and like you're humble and you're amazing and your tits are fucking amazing.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I really appreciate it.
And I just want y'all to know that, you know, be the you today that you want to be tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Heather, I love you. Thank you for coming on call.
I love you.

Speaker 2 Thank you for having me.

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