Heather McMahan: Blow jobs, hall passes, & frat daddies

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What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Heather McMahon, welcome to Call Her Daddy.
Hi, honey. How are you? I am obsessed with you.
Just for context to everyone that doesn't know, we met virtually while I was in Paris. Yes.
You popped onto my live show. I had the best time with you.
It was so much fun and it was like 6 a.m. at home and your team was like, hey, do you have a couple wigs that you could just throw on real quick? And I'm like, yeah, sure.
Let me just go down to my office and get my wigs. Yeah, it was the stops but i'm more heather like how the fuck

have we never met before i know i feel like this is now a kismet moment right we've been circling

in this well we've been like on the you know we've been circling around on the outskirts we were

circling the drain and now we're just fully going to the gutter you're close with jackie schimmel

yes jackie's like my best friend and every time i feel like she's ever i've ever heard her talk

about you she's like she's the funniest person i've ever met and i'm like well at first i thought

jackie was the funniest person i've ever met and i'm absolutely you're funnier you're funny

Thank you. She's like, she's the funniest person I've ever met.
And I'm like, well, at first I thought Jackie was the funniest person I've ever met.

And love you, Jackie. I'm absolutely way more hysterical.

You're funnier.

I watched your standup, which we're going to get to.

Yeah.

It's fucking amazing.

You're so sweet.

Thank you.

No, like I was doing my makeup this morning, watching it, laughing like hysterically.

I like that.

It's fucking brilliant.

If you like, that's the response I love when people are hey i think i got a uti after watching your special i'm like i fucking did my job it's how i felt also i just want to let you know that i'm on like too many cups of coffee right now because yeah last night i didn't sleep for a fucking minute because my dog has explosive diarrhea oh i've been there honey i have two French bulldogs it is a dry heat it is a every morning I wake up and I bought like expensive sheets that's one of the things I did when I started making money to treat myself there is my thread count is so fucked there is a Frenchie barf every single night in the middle of the night but I feel like you would prefer a barf over diarrhea um honestly, at this point, it's all starting to look and smell the same.

So it's not great either way it comes out.

No, Heather, I literally was like, so I'm watching TV last night.

My husband falls asleep early.

It's like 1130.

I'm watching like The Perfect Couple with Nicole Kidman.

Oh, which is.

It's a thing.

I've got feelings. Yeah, yeah.

I have feelings too.

But you know, there's nothing to watch.

So I'm like trying to enjoy myself.

Matt's like, I can't watch this trash.

I'm like, shut the fuck up, then go to bed. Right.
I hear the little noise. And i'm like trying to enjoy myself matt's like i can't watch this trash i'm like shut the fuck up then go to bed right i hear the little noise and i'm like here from the stomach like the gurgle that wet gurgle that's the word it's more of a little bit of like like some farts yeah yeah some bubbles like why am i being demure being like did your dog fart like it was more of like a splatter oh.
Like a big splatter. People hate when I talk about shit on this show, but I don't give a shit, okay? No shit.
If you're in your 30s and you haven't shit yourself at a Costco in the last six months, then you actually need to see a doctor. Get your life right.
Right, like fuck off, okay? So he's splattering. Yeah.
And I wake my husband up and I'm like, Matt, Bruce just shit all over the carpet and matt is like okay you want me to do go clean it up now i have never cleaned their shit ever if it's like in the house matt is the best and i want to talk to you about jeff your husband today we'll get into that yeah let's talk about jeff yeah yeah we're gonna talk about our husbands because i look at matt like mortified matt never makes me really do much around the house he's kind of like the house house man. You know, Ellen, we're the breadwinners.
Yes. Well, Matt's also doing fine, but whatever.
Yeah. So he won't get up and I am on my hands and knees and I am doing the Clorox.
I'm doing it all. An hour later, he shits again.
And two hours later, he shits again. So I you are seeing a woman who is broken today.
I'm seeing a woman who has literally had herself elbows deep in golden doodle doo doo. So I'm here for support.
I actually have been having like the worst anxiety the last two days. Why? Just there's so much shit going on.
And this is what I've been looking forward to most. It's just like I wear 65 different hats.
And literally I was at dinner last night trying to enjoy a nice, you know, porcini risotto. And I literally was like kind of like, you know, geeking out a little bit.
Because it's just, do you get anxious? I was short circuiting. I thought I had a stroke at dinner.
And I was like, is it the Aperol Spritz? Do I need a beta blocker? Do I need a Loretab? Like what do I need? A little bit of both. A little bit of both.
I just took a Benadryl and I just let it fly. Do you get anxiety a lot? I never really had bad anxiety until my life started getting good, which is weird.
I think it's a pressure thing. I think you just like, and I travel so much.
I think I don't know like what time zone I'm in. Yeah.
It was like when, when life was tough, I was just cruising when life got like things started to, you know, start flowing. I think that's when I started to get anxious.
Why? because you think it's like there's more to lose like when you're on the up and up you're like i have nothing i am worth nothing i'm a loser when i was rock bottom i was like fuck it let's ride and now i'm just like oh people are relying on me there are comments on the internet i don't know we're good this is a safe space the daddy gang is gonna fucking love you and you're funny as fuck and so you're funnier than probably everyone that I've had sit in this chair so just do your fucking thing I know everyone calls you daddy and father but my dad is dead can I just call you dad because I'm looking for a father figure in my life call me dad um I'm here for you I've oh I've had a lot of girls reach out being like I had a dead beat dad like you're my dad you're my father figure whatever way I can fit in fatherly

to your life I'm here for you Heather I'm so sorry about your dad but it happens but I'm here okay

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That is Shopify.com slash daddy and make it happen that is shopify.com slash daddy okay we need to talk about golf because it consumes my life Heather and I know a huge part of your stand-up is you talking about your fucking husband golfing and the fucking golf it is like every woman understands it the golf widow thing is so fucking real talk to me about like where you're at in your golf journey have you seen him lately has he been on the golf course often like what's happening i was you know getting full glam this morning running around taking calls answering emails and my husband's buddy put us in a group chat and sent me a photo my husband's playing some prestigious course in the middle of nowhere like rock you know up know, upstate New York. And it's just like, look at, you know, look at Big Daddy's swing.
And I respond, I'm fucking working. Go home.
Take care of our Frenchie children. Get the fuck out of here.
You're like, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
If he's, you know, letting it rip, I need, oh, you're stuck in a sand trap? Not my problem. It's so crazy.
Matt is having like the biggest existential crisis because his country club even that word it does make me kind of like clench my butthole a little bit he's our country club and you know i say your country club he's like it's ours alex like you're my wife now like you're a member i'm like i'm never going i don't know maybe i will like but he is freaking out because it's getting closed for like some construction oh just the core scene oh and so he's trying to he's trying to get it in, get it in, let's go. We got to go play.
I'm like, oh my God, you're never home. I have one stipulation.
So we at our country club, and I actually think you would thrive as a country club girlie. I don't think people give country clubs.
Yes, there are archaic practices there. But I love going to my country club.
It's the one I grew up at, the one my grandparents were members of. I hang out with a pack of like 75-year-old They play bridge.
We drink white wine and nobody gives me shit. You know what I mean? But I did say there is a stipulation like in our prenup because I am actually the actual member of the country club because I was a legacy.
So my thing is if like we ever divorce, like I get the club membership. And if you don't think I'm going into the men's locker room and ripping Jeff's plaque off of his locker you must not know me oh my god you're gonna be married forever even if you hate him he's never leaving you and I do have a great husband so shout out to Jeff we won't shit on you this whole episode but I do when I'm there he got mad one day because they didn't know like under our membership you know they always refer to him as Mr.
McMahon okay and he got upset one day he's like you know it's just like they don't know I said then Jeff correct them let them know that you were Mr. Daniels because I didn't take my husband's last name okay I'm in entertainment I didn't want to do it it's hard our kids will be Daniels live your life and I was like imagine what every woman feels like you know what I mean if I check into a hotel and they refer to me as Miss Daniels I go gladly right like don't let that like bruise your ego right no and pump the brakes buddy you got a tea time to make it is so fucking true they get like i i will be sitting in the hotel and matt will hear like hi mr cooper and he's like yeah and i'm like it's okay matt stand up for yourself or shut the fuck up like i have and i will continue to have to do for the x amount of years that people will say like hi mrs caplan and i'm mrs cooper and i'm like I'm like, I don't care.
I don't care. Because it's not emasculating me.
My vagina's set and fine. Like, fuck off.
Let's talk about the golf aesthetic. Oh yeah, let's talk about it.
The golf outfits look pretty bad for women. Yeah, it's pretty farty.
It's rough. It's like a pleated chino short that tucks right underneath where your bra fat is.
It's absolutely awful. I'm trying to fix it.
So give me a little time. No, it's bad.
But I'm trying to fix it. How do you feel when Jeff saunters down in the morning wearing his golf outfit? Like, are you okay with the male golf outfits, or are you like? Okay, so the way I feel about it is, you know, I say this in the special, but like any man who wears a visor, that's an immediate.
My vagina just shrivels up. Because here's the thing.
First of all, it looks like you can't afford the whole hat. You know what I mean? I don't know what these men in visors.
And then my husband will drive home from like the golf course, you know, sunroof is open. He's had a good match.
He's singing, you know, Natasha bedding field, feel the rain on my skin. And he's like, hair is like flipped over the visor.
So he comes in sweaties and a Peter Millar shirt, grass on his chinos. And I go i'm not trying to have sex with you right now why do they come back horny after golf no because they feel empowered because they went out and won five dollars on the golf course and they're like let's fucking do it so i was thinking about that in your special because i'm like okay they come home and matt does the same thing like matt is successful like he does great business he will, I won 50 bucks.
And I'm literally like, the fuck? He's like, you ready to blow me? And we're like, no, take a shower. You smell like the outdoors.
Get out of here. But they're so excited about like that $5 or that $10.
Because they conquered something. It's work is one thing.
But when you're out there, when you're in a foursome with guys and they're, you know, it's all shit talking and talking and they're like oh here goes jeff he's got a 40 foot putt and he makes it there is nothing that gives a man a bigger boner than sinking a putt it's infuriating it is infuriating and i try and think about like like what makes me that horny and um i think it i'm really stepping up my golf game because i played growing up and now i'm like i really do i want to play because it's a great sport but i also just want to steal the joy of the you know the one thing that gives Jeff joy and he's like I love when you play with me and we have a great time we go out and it's like I mean I you know I drink wine and you know rip some old cigs and just have a blast in the outdoors but I am trying to get better to beat him because I do I need that for my ego right you're like sneaky on the competitive you're like oh I guess I'll play I guess I'll play too, Jeff. Meanwhile, you're like getting sessions in the back.
You're getting full like coaching sessions. I have three coaches right now.
I have a gal on the LPGA. Shout out to Maria Fossey, who I send videos to.
And she literally is like, we got to tighten up the swing. Oh yeah, I'm getting good.
But Jeff doesn't even know. So one day you're going to come through.
He's going to hear this and be like, you bitch, you liar. Okay, so we don't roast our husbands this entire episode no i'm the best he puts up with my shit i was jeff is the only person who can look at me and be like sit down shut the fuck up you're being crazy and i'm like yes sir yes okay daddy yes papa yes i was gonna say give me some like talk about some of your favorite things about jeff because then we're gonna keep roasting Yeah we'll get right back to the roast um no Jeff is honestly like you know it's interesting if you ever like hang out with other couples and you can tell they're not actually buddies like Jeff is my buddy I mean yeah we fuck hard but like he is my buddy I don't want to hang out with anybody else other than him like of course I love hanging out with my friends but We we fucking giggle together and i think that's no it's what you need it's what you need because you're stuck with this person no and it's so true like i used to cringe online when i would hear people being like he's my best friend like no he is like matt is my best friend if they're not your friend what are you doing right right just don't like say it like that like girls being like he's my best friend and we bought our forever home together I don't just we have matching butterfly tattoos like I got one wing he is the other like okay then you're it's absolutely headed for a divorce tone it down also Jeff is you know I mean listen I'm a comic I get up on stage I rip him a new asshole I talk about you know personal intimate things in our life and he lets me do it and not that he like gives me permission but i said early on i was like you know i need you to be cool with me talking my truth and from my point of view my perspective and he's like honey i never he is so proud of me when i'm on stage and seeing him get excited when i'm having a moment there is no ego in him he is never threatened he is let it rip, do your fucking thing.
And that's what makes me horny.

So he's horny on the golf course.

I come off stage and he's like waiting in the wings.

He's like, you fucking crushed.

I'm like, I am ready to sit on your face.

I'm getting kind of horny right now.

I know.

We went from anxiety.

I'm a little horny.

I mean, I don't know.

This is a wave of emotions here.

No, it is.

When you start talking about sex on the show, sometimes people are like, oh, I got to leave and go fuck my husband or my fiance or whoever the fuck. So enjoy.
You're welcome, Jeff. You're so successful as a comedian.
Have you always been funny? Like, talk to me, you as a child. Like, what was going on? Is Heather funny? Yeah.
Well, you know, I was a fudgy kid. And I was the kid who, like, always had, like, a quarter pound of fudge in their backpack.
So, yeah, I think I had to be funny. But, no, I always, you know, I was always kid who like always had like a quarter pound of fudge in their in their uh uh backpack so yeah I think I had to be be funny but no I I always you know I was always in theater and I always knew I wanted to do comedy I mean since I was like six I was like I'm gonna be I'm gonna tell jokes and um I the first time I did stand-up was at my junior prom and I roasted the senior class and that was like one of those pivotal moments I was always doing theater and I was like you know think about how awkward high school is most awkward time of your life right I must be a sociopath if I was like I want to go up there and roast the seniors and stand up like that could have been social suicide we need to pause because hold on you did stand up at your prom uh-huh pause are you at the prom like also with the date yes I am with a senior who invited me so you're in a gown I'm in a gown and no one knew so yeah so I I pop up literally it's like from under a table with a microphone I'm like are y'all ready to rock we have the video of it and it's just it's insane is heard of this.
Like at a prom, there's usually like a band. No, I was the surprise entertainment.
Yeah, yeah. It was insane.
And so I get up and I do like 20 minutes and I remember walking off stage and thinking, oh fuck, I have to do this forever. So then I just, I kind of never stopped.
Because you just knew. I knew.
Yeah. But like, were you confident confident like you didn't give a fuck what people were going to think about you at school I honestly know and I listen I went to the same school from kindergarten through 12th grade so I also wasn't trying to impress these fuckers anymore um but no I think that like listen as a comic if you don't feel like a touch cringy when you're trying out new shit then you're not doing it right right but no I just there was nothing there was no other feeling in my life that I wanted to chase as much as that feeling of making people laugh love and I'll tell you another uh we're really gonna boost Jeff now but when I I was living in New York when I met Jeff we've been together a long time and I looked at him one day and I said listen I gotta go to LA I gotta follow this I gotta scratch that itch and he sitting in like a Buka DiBepo or some shit.
And he's like, I love you so much. And he's like, follow your dreams.
And in that moment, I was like, oh fuck, I'm gonna marry this guy. Yeah.
We were long distance for like eight years. Yeah.
What? I know. I have girls call me all the time like, Heather, I'm long distance.
It's been like three months with my boyfriend. I'm like, if you're thriving in your own zone and if that person can't handle y'all doing your own thing, then you don't need to be together.
OK, long distance where you he stayed in New York and you went to L.A. Yes.
And I was only in L.A. for like four or five years.
But then I moved back to Atlanta after my dad passed and Jeff was finishing like a graduate program in New York. We were just back and forth.
I mean, we we just made it work. Never a breakup, never a pause.
It was just always me and Jeff daddy. Okay.
Because I'm going to be real. You and Jeff daddy are defined the odds because I have been the little cunt in my podcast.
Sometimes I've been like, I don't know if like long distance is worth it. I used to say that also in college mostly because I'm like, enjoy your colleges.
It's also not worth it because if you're in college, you're, you're probably cheating on you. Like, let's let's be honest if you're in college right now listening to this with a long distance boyfriend you're getting cheated on yeah leave it also just say hey we're gonna break up during college and I'll see you when you're working for Goldman Sachs and you're out of here done what are we doing done yeah I think that was really my vision was like it's just too hard in college however when you are adult and you can make it long distance work, it's amazing.
But that takes very secure people to have trust and to be OK with that long distance. But like, good for you guys.
He used to come to all my comedy shows. And this is like when I was in New York and, you know, performing for 10 people in an audience underneath the Brooklyn Bridge.
And he'd be in his little suits from his real estate job. And he'd sit on the front row.
And people thought he was my manager. So we were like, wow, your manager is like really dialed into your career and I'm like oh no no I blow that guy stop stop honestly that was probably kind of hot you're like so hot you're like looking at him like he's your business manager you're like oh we're not supposed to but we should let's go fuck in my car 100 I love that for you guys yeah and the Jetta I only sold the Jetta about three years ago kind of wish I would have kept it wait the J was the first car I ever wanted.
And then I just could never get a first car until like I started making my own money. My parents were like, we're never getting you a car.
So get a job. And I was like, oh, OK.
But I always wanted a Jetta. Jetta.
Shout out to Volkswagen. Shout out.
They're a great company. Sponsor us.
Sponsor us. I would love a new Jetta.
I'm really when I sold that car, I was actually sad about it. It's a cute car.
And I got a sensible. I didn't go G-Wagon.
I went, you know, hybrid Audi Q5. Shout out to Audi.
Sponsorship? I think I want the Cayenne because that was the best car my dad had. And I really want it.
I was like, that's when I know I think I might buy it. No, that was like, I realized that shit from your childhood really sticks with you.
When I went to a private prep school that like I really couldn't afford.

I got like a soccer scholarship for high school and I didn't have a car.

And so I'm taking the bus every day.

And these bitches are rolling in with like Maseratis because their daddies are so fucking rich.

Yeah.

And I remember there was this one bitch that had this cool Porsche.

It was the Cayenne.

And she had it like it was a white one with like black wheels.

And I was like whenever I get my first paycheck that's me not working at my smoothie shop job.

Like I'm getting the fucking Porsche.

and I think that was a white one with like black wheels and I was like whenever I get my first paycheck that's me not working at my smoothie shop job like I'm getting the fucking Porsche and the first thing that I bought for myself for a car was the Porsche and I'm like the only reason I still got it was because I think of that girl I can't say her name but it's that core memory being like fucking Michelle has it yes I'm getting it I was like and I'm like I don't even know if I actually wanted the Porsche I was literally just like living out my like high school insecurity being like i finally got it yeah i'm like do i like it i actually do sponsor me um okay you went to university of mississippi oh yeah hottie-tottie can you explain your experience in three words oh yeah okay unhinged full throttle that's too that's too but who gives a fuck okay un. Unhinged.
Mayonnaise.

What?

And just elated.

I had the best four years of my life.

Shout out to the University of Mississippi.

I just did a show for them last week and I loved it.

My college experience was out of this world.

Wow.

Yeah.

Like from freshman year.

From freshman year. Here's the thing.
Even being from the South because I grew up in Atlanta, I didn't know anything about Mississippi. Oh, neither.
The reason I ended up at Ole Miss is because it was the only college that let me. You're like, actually, when I got accepted, I was like, fuck.
No, truly. But then you got there and you're like.
I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine and do like theater arts. Like me in Malibu no absolutely not um so I thought I was gonna go to Pepperdine it was two

weeks before graduation and I didn't get in because I thought I was gonna go to their prestigious

theater program well here's the thing I was student body president but a blind cat could

have done better on the SATs I'm not a I'm not a scholastic test taking me either on paper it's

rough okay so I didn't get in and I remember sitting down like the college counselor and

she's like there's two schools that have good theater departments and they still are taking

I'm in Tuscaloosa. I'm at the Sigma Chi house.
I watched a man snort cocaine off a chicken tender. And I said, I called my daddy and I said, I'm going to Ole Miss.
Like, I like to party, but this is, this is another world. This is some next level shit.
So I showed up in Oxford, Mississippi. I didn't know anybody.
I did the sorority rush. I had the time of my life.
I don't know how I got into a good sorority. Like, all of the things, it just clicked.
And I, we own a home there now. I bought a house in Oxford.
You did? I go back all the time. I love it.
Hold on. Cocaine on a chicken finger? Yeah.
Yeah. It was a lot.
And you know, in the South, we got juicy Tinders. It's not like a light, it's not like a, it's not a slim Tinder.
It's a thick boy. It's a thick boy.
And I just remember going, I don't know if I'm gonna. That's some real shit.
No, I love that your honesty is like, I love Ole Miss. It's the only place I got accepted.
But like, who cares but like who cares you end up and that's I think a great note for anyone that's in high school listening god I maybe there are people that listen in high school there are you'd be surprised you guys like it really doesn't matter where the fuck you go to school matter and you'll find your spot like I remember being so devastated thinking okay I'm not gonna be this like you know Shakespearean actor what what is going on and I ended up like it's the it's the greatest joy of my life. And also I would not have met my husband because my best friend, Tina, who works with me and helps me run my production company.
She was from New York. So this bitch flies down.
We're both in the theater department. I'm like, where the fuck are you from? She's like, where the fuck are you from? And she's the one who introduced me to my husband.
So I had to go all the way to Mississippi to find a Yankee. It's oh, my, it's so meant to be.
Also, you mentioned sorority life. I played soccer.
So I didn't I still to say don't fully understand sorority life. And I feel like what I'm seeing on TikTok may not be the exact representation of what it used to be.
Because now bitches are like synchronized dancing and stuff, which maybe it was back then. But can you walk me through? It is really wild.
I get asked this a lot about what my sorority life experience is like i do think you're right social media has completely changed again i mean when i went to college i hate to date myself but it was the first year that facebook came out so you know i didn't have to worry about somebody looking at my online profile i just showed up in a lily pulitzer skirt was like y'all ready to fucking do this or what um i was pledge class president. I was bid day chair.
I had the best time. And also, like, I see girls online that talk about hazing.
No one haze my ass. I showed up to the Delta Gamma house at the University of Mississippi.
I had a monogrammed pillow with my name on it and a new, you know, bottle of, like, barefoot white wine. I had the time of my life.
But also, I'm 5'10". You don't haze at the Al who's large and in charge.
No, I would... Stop.
I was going to fucking say like I feel like what I'm watching on TikTok right now is like first of all the dorm situation. How are they...
Like I showed up with the Jansport backpack and I had like a duffel bag and I like threw shit in that I like bought off of eBay. I don't know.
What do you got? Like a Bed Bath & had a bed in a bag. That's what you did.
I called my roommate who I'd never met before and I said what color scheme are we going with? We did lime green, hot pink and black and literally a bed in a bag. You got that.
You got the comforter, the one sheet. You only had one set of sheets.
That's it. Only changing your sheets.
That's it. And then I got I remember like that when the first day of school started they had those like poster sales and I got like Channing Tatum on one wall of course and then I got like hot girls asses because I was like this will really like the guys will think we're cool for this exactly I'm hot if they see hot girls on my wall because that makes sense so much sense yeah so I don't understand when they're like let's do a transformation and they do the click and it goes from like a dreary dorm room to immediately it's like you look like you're in a fucking palace.
I have a sorority sister who that's her job now. She runs it has a whole business where she redoes the Ole Miss dorm rooms.
Wow. They have like antiques in the room.
They're built. I mean I had literally like three those stacked plastic bins.
They get like staples. I didn't even go to a container store.
I went to like Office Max and I put my thongs in there and like a bottle of like bourbon that was rolling around in the back.

Like nothing about my room.

I had a desktop, Alex.

I didn't even have a laptop.

My dad ran an IT company and he was so afraid that somebody was going to like steal my identity.

And finally I called him.

I was like, dad, I got to get a laptop.

Like I can't be the person lugging the desktop on a dolly all the way up to the library like what the fuck are we doing here yeah I was also a theater major so I didn't really need you know a computer but but still the point is is like it was it is different right now and I do believe some of the bitches on TikTok are really going above and beyond for social media like if you're someone at college right now that is literally just bringing your PB teen sheets and you got a book bag and that's all you pottery barn teen oh my god that was lux that was the shit do you remember when jersey sheet like jersey sheets came out and it felt like you were rolling around on a pair of Levi jeans really actually not comfortable and not sweat wicking I remember my mom is like a gift sent me the jersey pottery barn teen sheets

and i was like in flames when i woke up i thought i had the flu so fucking hot i remember i got like these dark gray ones yeah and the first time a guy came on my sheets and i only had again one fucking pair yeah so i was just looking at that shit like damn i'm fucked and i just left it there card later on after the cum had dried and you were like trying to scrape it off you were Like, we'll just get that off at the end.

It's fucking disgusting.

Anyways, okay, so you were rushing. You got into your sorority.
Can you tell me, do you remember your chance? Do I remember my chance? I thought you would never ask. So interesting enough, so I went to the home chapter.
Delta Gamma was founded at the University of Mississippi. It was a big deal, but they a woman not from mississippi into the sorority i don't know who wrote me a wreck but they they saw my ass coming and they said she's got potential damn yeah so i um it was funny during rush so we used to do this thing called a door song okay and you might have seen it on vama tiktok now they banned it but um like so somebody comes and knocks on the door okay the door opens and like 200 girls hit the deck I was always on the bottom because I was beefy so I'd be on the bottom of this door holding up the weight of my sorority sisters on me and we'd be like D-E-L-T-A delta D-E-L-T-A and do this whole thing and then what would happen is everybody would get off the dog pile and run out and grab a girl who's rushing so you're like running through the lawn being like emily emily where are you and you had to pretend like you didn't know who they were but you had like had giant cards i mean you're studying them and then you're like looking around like i can't see her and then this little girl emily pops out of the bush she's like it's me and then we would run them through the dg house and of course since i was on the bottom I was like breathless.
So by the time I got up, I would literally be like, where's Emily? Emily from Jackson, Mississippi. Are you here? All your makeup is gone.
You're drenched. I am so moist.
It's like, it's not healthy. Your back is blown out.
It's awful. You have nothing left to give.
I have nothing left. And then you crowd them in this room, this chapter room.
And, you know, we're like sitting at them, like breathing hot fire breath on them, just being like, trying to get them to cry to be like, do you want to be here? This is the greatest day of my life. I ate it up, though.
I had the time of my life. Oh, my God.
What do you think you loved about it? Because it's a little culty. No, it is.
But I really just met all my best friends there love and again i there was not hazing so when i see girls that had like a really like if they ever lined us up and like circled our fat i would have been like i win i get it just y'all go home i'm the fattest one i put on 45 pounds my freshman year like just y'all go home right i it was a lot of i mean we did like philanthropy work we had raging parties it really was not toxic I'm sure a couple bitches you know yeah I mean we fought a couple times but I was also kind of the black sheep like I was always sent to standards because I was smoking cigarettes standing up that's that was a weird rule if it you know if you want to smoke a cigarette if you want to rip a heater you got to sit down cross your legs wait what yeah because you got to look ladylike but you just have to do it looking like. You just have to sit down.
So if I was standing up, I couldn't. But if I was sitting down having a cigarette, that's kosher, you know? Do you still to this day sit down or do stand up? I only have, I hope my life insurance policy doesn't hear about this.
I love a, I'm kidding. Hypothetically, allegedly, I love just a cig when I'm in Italy it's my vacation cig but I'm not a smoker contrary to popular belief people hear my voice I'm not a smoker you've got a great voice but can I also say to this younger generation I really get concerned about I was at the college bar the other day and we have the bar in our town called the library oh cool so when my dad would see my all my charges he called me one day he's like god damn it heather return your fucking books to the library this is insane he didn't know it was a bar oh yeah it's my favorite yes oh but um but literally i see these kids like everybody's ripping the vape and they're all passing it around and i turn to a young man in the bar and i go honey this is how you get mono or cold sores i don't know what we're doing here but y'all all need to just have your own vape i would heather no no i thought you're gonna say something completely different what do you think you're supposed to say this is how you're gonna get lung cancer no no no no i'm worried about epstein-barr virus.
I am not worried about their lungs, okay?

Come on now.

I don't have time for that.

Instead of being like, you don't, you shouldn't have them.

You're like, just each of you get your own.

Stack up.

I'm like, this is why you guys are all going to have strep throat. Get your own.

Get your life together.

Daddy gang, stop dueling.

Stop dueling.

We're done.

Okay, I know you refer to yourself as the elder millennial.

That's true, right?

Well, yeah. I mean, I am, you know, 37.
You're a young woman. Yeah, thank you.
Thank you. I am young, youthful.
You're very young. Thank you.
I want to talk about some of the millennial trends. Okay.
And I want to hear your take is, do you think we should bring them back? Or how do you feel about them in general? I'm so excited for this. Side parts.
Oh, let me tell you, there is nothing more dramatic, more old Hollywood glam than a side part. I was actually in my sorority house the other day and I found my old composite photo.
It was such a deep side part. It started at the base of my jaw.
Okay. It was just a big comb over.
I had no eyebrows, but I think the middle part, like I'm fighting for my life right now. I have an intense cowlick.
And if you knew the amount of time, effort and Orbe dry texture spray that is holding me together. Because which way do we go? Which way does your hair usually go? It's naturally, it should go this way.
So it wants to be comb over. It wants to go full Donald Trump.
Yes, it really does. I love a deep side a deep side part you know obviously you know if you do the deep side part and we do the stick straight like the cheese straightener it's not a good look it's it's really not a good look and I feel like depending on what phase you're at in your life like when I look back at pictures of myself as a young girl yeah I was objectively not I wasn't like the cutest okay OK, I really it really wasn't.
It wasn't. I didn't know that, though.
No one pulled me aside and said, let's blend a smoky eye. Let's draw in our eyebrows.
Let's maybe go for a leisurely walk so we can get some steps in. I was deep, deep throating, like, you know, hot pockets, pockets chugging bourbon i had not a care in the world but you were happy i was i've never been happier no now now i'm getting everything i want i'm like god this fucking sucks like i want to go back to the good old days yeah but it's true that like when you don't have the eye for it i guess i can say when i look back at pictures of myself there a difference between a side part and the comb over.
And when you do the comb over and you're not going for Hollywood glam, like you're not going to an event and you're just looking for the side part, it can really look busted. So I think I think you're right.
It depends on what what you're doing with it. But I would say the side part is usually a flop.
OK. All right.
You know what? Fair enough. But you also have a perfect straight line through your head head so i just think that you need to be a little more inclusive to the cowlick community that's all i'm saying you want to hear something crazy what i have a fucking cowlick where yeah exactly the amount of time that i spent oh pushing pushing moving gel starts at 7 a.m bitch and it's fucking almost two o'clock in the afternoon this it was it was sitting setting melting pressing the little clips and the clips i'll go to an event i'll be about to walk the red carpet and i'm like take the clips out remove the clips last minute always i the amount of gel and like shit that i had to get to this point and i sleep with it sometimes like like that.
Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm dedicated.
Sociopath, I love it. It's the trauma from childhood where I like look back at those curvatures that I was putting over my fucking head.
It looked so fucking bad that I am straight part and I will never deter. Have you ever had side bangs? No.
Well, I did go through a little bit of an emo phase. I was always, yeah.
But I would be at the, like, the band's Warped Tour in, like, junior high. And I would always be in, like, a full Hollister outfit and a Puka Shell necklace.
I still dress, like, Dave Matthews band-esque. But I was at, seeing, you know, something corporate, Simple Plan, or one of those bands.
Wait, stop. I feel like we would have been friends.
Like, I went through such an emo phase. And I would do the colorful, like, skinny jeans with, like, a band t-shirt.
I was obsessed with Simple Plan, Blink-182. Then I went through such an emo phase and I would do the colorful like skinny jeans with like a band t-shirt I was obsessed with Simple Plan Blink-182 then I went into all-time low I had all these different like I was obsessed with Avril Lavigne I wanted to be her oh Avril Lavigne is I remember being like a you know a chubby sixth grader and I'd come home and I'd put her CD in I like because you know we we had a little money.
So I had this six disc changer

and I would just literally be like,

I'm fading in the sun.

Yes.

It's just like rage out.

My mom would be like,

this one.

I was naturally,

I would think like happy.

Like I didn't want to be emo,

but I loved the concept of being emo.

We're just dramatic.

We're a little dramatic.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

That is annoying.

Okay. How do you feel about tall Uggs? Call Her Daddy is brought to you by BetterHelp.
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but you are way too hot to be spending the summer sitting inside scrolling on your phone. OK, take it in, Daddy Gang.
We are getting the string bikinis out of storage and plans out of the group chat. And you know what goes perfectly with the 7 UV index and yapping with your girls? a can of cold White Claw.
When I think about White Claw, I think about the best times of my life, okay? I think about summer. I think about a little cooler.
I think about Matt popping open a can shirtless by the pool, okay? I think about a mango White Claw, okay? That is right, Daddy Gang. It is a White Claw summer, 100 calories in 12 glorious ounces, gluten-free and the taste, you know, and love we're keeping it light this summer.
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White Claw Seltzer Works, Chicago, Illinois. How do you feel about tall Uggs? Oh, God.
Okay. Well, here's my thing.
My best feature on my body is my thin ankle. Okay.
I never, I mean, look at that. Have you ever seen a nice, more developed, thinner ankle? That is a very nice ankle.
It's a very nice ankle, thank you. Because it gets thin? It's very thin and I also have nice toe cleavage.
I've been told from the toe, the foot fetish community that my foot, while very wide in a shoe, the top of my toes is apparently very sensual. Really? Have you ever thought about making a couple bucks? I have, but I did see that one person left me a bad review on WikiFeets, and it's knocked my rating down to like a 3.5.
I'm very upset about it. You're not actually on WikiFeets, are you? What the fuck? I didn't know it was a thing, and somebody at one of my shows was like, hey, by the way, I just want you to know your rating went down on WikiFeets.
I was like, what the fuck is WikiFeets? Dude, Heather, I'm not kidding you. I'm convinced that almost every single man in the world has a foot fetish you know here's the thing it's not hurtful no it's not hurtful it's just fascinating i would do only fans in a heartbeat if dudes want to send me money to look at my little piggies fantastic and it's just it's natural too it's natural it's either you got it or you don't no one's getting like foot implants no one's getting like really thick it's you got it or you don't and if you got it flaunt it i would like to say because you have such a huge international platform i you know big nike fan but i've got a wide wide girthy foot and if you guys could send me some pairs cut in a wide that would be fantastic i go online and the only pair that's in an extra wide is an orthotic so please for the love of god make a, make a wide in an Air Force One.
Okay. Sorry.
I had to take that opportunity. I could have said something to like find peace in the Middle East, but instead I'm like, can I get a custom Nike in a wide? Because my toes are falling asleep.
Nara, they're literally coming on here and being like, what other brand deals did I want to get out of this episode? Yes. I'm obsessed.
What are we getting? We're getting a Porsche. We're getting a Porsche.
We're getting a Jetta. Jetta.
An Audi. Audi and free shoes for life.
And Orbe. And Uggs.
And Uggs. Thank you.
But wait, back to the Uggs. Okay, so the Uggs.
Can I tell you, I'm having a lot of fun. I'm having a lot of fun with you too.
Okay, back to the Uggs. So here's the thing.
To be fair, sometimes it's also hard to podcast with people that, like, my favorite podcasting usually is when people podcast for a living because, like, you know how to do it. thank you thank you for showing up today um okay tall uggs okay tall uggs i i don't like a sweaty calf okay you know i i i would wear them i went to a christian school so we had to wear the uniforms and in the winter that was a thing you wore the tall ugg you could wear them with your uniform we could wear them we didn't have to wear like mary janes or anything i'd wear a tall ugg with my little like Catholic school girl uniform.
And I just remember huffing it, you know, through the parking lot. Just like, these are fucking hot.
Wait, did you have boys at your school? We did. What the fuck, Heather? I went to a full co-ed K through eight.
I was like in Catholic school and I had to wear the plaid skirt. And I used to have to say this to like my boyfriends.
I'm like, I know it sounds hot. Like I was fucking hideous and it's not a sexual fantasy okay now I'd look hot in it but back then it was like to the knee and if not they'd slap you with the fucking ruler like yeah literally old school shit and then we had to have the thigh highs they weren't thigh highs they went to the knee and they were the big socks with the Mary Jane shoe Mary Jane and then they changed to saddle shoes at one point which was like the black and the white shoe and then we had the collared shirts We had the whole uniform.
We could wear the socks, but in the winter, they would allow us to wear the Uggs. And then eventually they got pants.
Because I think I walked into the principal's office and said, I'm fucking freezing. Okay, and I'm a heavy set.
So if I'm cold, imagine what these thin bitches are feeling. This is unbelievable.
We have rights. We do have rights.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Okay. Yeah.
SoulCycle. Oh, well, that's a little triggering.
And you should have warned me that you were going to bring that up on such a large platform. I worked at SoulCycle.
Okay. In West Hollywood, around the corner.
What? When I moved to LA, I needed a part-time job. Okay.
And I couldn't get a job at a restaurant, which was weird because I'd worked at some of like the best restaurants in New York I had this crazy you know Michelin star experience and I could not get a job working as a bartender even like a hostess in LA why do you think because I wasn't a porn star that's why I wore a sensible supportive bra to work I would show up to these like interviews with this insane New York resume and they were like but are your nips hard you know I was like I can make them hard give me 10 seconds I'll be right back yeah I mean I would go and I would think that I was going for like a nice uh you know like uh uh an interview at Spago and they were like actually we have a nightclub and we were wondering if you want to be a promoter I'm like I'm 23 years old I should not be roaming the streets of Los Angeles trying to get people to come to your nightclub that's's annoying. So I ended up at SoulCycle and I remember my interview.
I was interviewing to be on the front desk, but I said, cause I wanted to let them think that like I was here for the long haul. Of course.
I remember saying like, obviously I'd start with the front desk and I understand you have to work your way up, but my goal is to eventually be an instructor. No.
And the girl interviewing me was just like, yeah, we're good. Nothing about you says like, you know, star of the fitness community.
But I actually had a great time. SoulCycle was so fun.
I met my best friends, my buddy Raymond, shout out to Ray. He's still one of my best friends.
We used to get in trouble because we would work at the front desk and be like, you know, gravely hungover. Of course.
And I'd be eating like a Chipotle burrito bowl and a diet dr pepper and finally my manager said heather this is like a fitness studio people don't celebrities don't want to come in and work out when you're like dry heaving over a barbacoa bowl get your shit together no yeah i kind of love that for you you're like you know what though like this is me and this is who i'm gonna be and i'm only at the front desk so like that you can go back there and fucking work out i'm sorry heather i've gone on one of the bikes before yeah i when i was working this ad sales job they were like team bonding let's go across the street and like during lunchtime go on the fucking soul cycle bikes it was robbed yeah it's not great it's not like a good horseback riding where you're like i'm getting a little turned on it's rubbing my clit in the right way yeah this is like physical pain no this is where your urethra is just ripped off like you have road rash but it's on your pee hole I'm getting like bruises and then like you go to sleep that night you can feel like your pelvis area like pulsating not in a sexual way but then actually once you do it two or three times then you're in it but see I knew how to work the system there I would you know all these big celebs would come in and I would slip my little business card that I made on like Vistaprint okay to have

my head shot on it and I would slide it into their like bags and I'd be like if you ever need an

assistant if you ever need somebody to open for you on the road please ask me oh my god so funny

I did that to Whitney Cummings and I must have given her 10 business cards she never once called

me and then we're buds now and I literally was like Whitney I need you to just know that I used

to drop my business card I mean this was 10 years ago like Whitney I was either down to be your

I think it's we love Soul Cycle okay skinny jeans oh again I am pro skinny jean because I do want to flex my best asset But, I mean god that for me you know you said your crotch here during soul cycle i always had a yeast or a uti from a skinny jean it just was so tight right in the grundle it can't be worse than jean shorts though oh i don't with jean shorts you don't no what are we doing here i know absolutely I'm not fucking with a jean short. I'm pushing 40.
You know, I need to be in a jean short. Get out of here.
So are you just... What are we doing here? I don't know.
Of course I wear jean shorts. You do? I think I do.
Are you lying? No, is that the first time you've lied on this podcast? It is. Can I here can i tell you i'm in a i'm in a tough spot i put on a little weight and i had all these jean shorts that i bought from zara and i just i tried them on the other day and i was like it's it it's a no-go so i'm just very bitter about that no no no and i get it like jean shorts you have to be really like you have to be tan you need to feel good yeah it needs to be the perfect thing or just a short dress that's flowy is always a great go-to like i'm I'm always like, oh, I can, like, relax here.
But jean shorts are, like, yeah, they're kind of the devil. I'm a baby doll dress kind of gal, and I know those had a moment on TikTok, but I've got giant jugs, and I like a little, I like to just sit right here, titties under my neck.
Are they real? They're real. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. And I'll tell you what.
I got perfect nips. Really? For a large breast.
I got a really nice breast to areola ratio yeah that's my one you have so much good shit fuck you you're like let me show you my thin little ankle also perfect fucking nipple I literally come in here and been like I had a great sorority my husband is fantastic life is great now I haven't shit today and I do have anxiety but other than that I'm thriving uh no but I I mean listen great tits I I'm I am always now especially you know being in the spotlight I pick apart myself all the time no it's nice to like be like yeah I fucking like something about myself and you know they're not where they used to be I definitely would love a lift but they are the areola is nice I'm fucking jealous and I'm already picturing it. Like I'm thinking of it sexually.
Your husband is lucky.

Moving on.

Super thin eyebrows.

Oh, no.

Those, they should never come back.

Okay, but what's worse?

The like giant.

I mean, mine are looking a little big today.

I mean, mine are thick too.

I'd rather more than less.

Really?

Because you can always pull a friend aside, take them to, you know, a coffee bean and just say, doing you know this comes from love where we can peel it back yeah but you can never but the amount of growth serum castor oil you know and all the eyelash serums apparently make you go blind and they ruin the collagen underneath the eyes what yeah oh yeah that's a whole thing now yeah apparently we've been using all the lash serums and they apparently dissolve all the fat underneath your eyes and i need perfect i mean i you know maybe i should start rubbing this all over my body but um no thin eyebrows should never come back that is a crime against humanity it should be outlawed you should have to do hard time if you're over plucking you need to get your life right but then like it's so unfair because i look at pamela anderson and like in my twisted mind i'm like, God, I wish I could pull that off. No one can pull it off but her.
But her. And just let her have it and move on.
I really, I suffered. And I think because you said earlier you didn't have eyebrows.
I growing up had, I had the hair. I had nothing to show for the hair.
Because like if you saw me in the right lighting, you'd see like What looked like a unibrow And it's like All just peach fuzz

I finally dyed them

When I was in high school

And I had never

Felt better in my life

I was like

Oh my god

My five head is gone

I've got the angles

It looks good

But then I just

Kept building on it

And I feel like

I really took it

To a level

Where I see

Pictures of myself

In the freshman year

Of college

It's bad

They got too much

They were black

Yeah

We definitely

Over dyed for a long time

Thank you. myself in the freshman year of college is bad.
They got too much.

They were black.

Yeah.

We definitely over-dyed for a long time.

And they were cinder blocks.

I always had thick, natural, bushy brows, but I would go to the nail salon and, you

know, they would just like hold you down in the back.

I never went to like an eyebrow specialist.

Oh my God.

I'm like, I'm getting a fresh gel set and I'm getting my eyebrows done in the back.

And I came out one day and the tips were gone.

I mean, they ran away with them.

And then, you know how long it takes to grow that shit back?

Oh, you're fucked.

You're fucked.

Thank you. getting my eyebrows done in the back and i came out one day and the tips were gone i mean they ran away with them and then you know how long it takes to grow that shit back oh you're fucked you're fucked so my entire college career i had my deep side part i'm in a pair of gaucho pants i'm in a halter top my you know perfect nipples are hanging out i put on 45 pounds and i got no brows and i didn't blend a smoky eye i mean i've really come a long way picturing you smoking a a fucking cig.
With a cig and a nice, you know, Jessica Simpson wedge. The gauchos.
Gauchos, yeah. God, they were good.
Gauchos were great. And then if you wanted to hook up with somebody, I'm kind of in a gaucho now.
You didn't even have to take them off. They could just slide a hand up there and just finger you, you know? And that was fun.
fun the width was impeccable i think we should maybe bring gauchos back i think we should i know people are trying to do the barrel gene and i'm not you know what you can't do is finger somebody in a barrel gene you can't even get half a fist up there i don't think i don't think also who wants to finger somebody in a barrel gene if i see a bitch coming down the street in a barrel jean, I'm like, I'm not attracted. No, it's not.
It's not the look. Gals, that's what we need to, the barrel jeans are out.
But don't you think that is where, that's a definition of women dressing for women, where they like, the girls would think these are cute? I don't know though. Well, as a full woman, just, you know, right now here in the flesh, I say no.
Don't fucking do it. Let's get rid of it.
Bring the gauchos back. Bye to the barrel.
Yeah. Okay.
This is controversial because I'm staring at your ankle. I'm so worried.
This goes against everything that we've talked about today about this one body part that's really a highlight for you. Ankle socks, I don't know if you realize, they're currently out.

What do you have?

These are... Is that not an ankle sock?

No.

Ankle socks is where you're showing your fucking ankle.

Okay, but I have a no-show.

I thought that was a no-show sock.

Oh, I thought you were going to say you have no socks.

I was like, get out.

You stinkier.

Honey, I got a wide fucking foot.

If you think I'm letting these cheddar blocks just marinate in here, I'm not trying to bake a casserole. OK.
Again, Nike. I'd like a wide.
OK, wait. So I thought that was a crew sock.
So this is whatever the fuck you want to call it. But this is not an ankle sock.
This is that like Haley Bieber. Yeah.
Princess Diana. Yeah.
Trendy. And I did not know that I was.
I feel. I feel I feel attacked no the problem is this would cover your one of your best assets yeah um but I will say I I my husband him one of his favorite looks is the look you have on right now he likes the bike short the oversized sweatshirt and I'll do the the you know the scrunch socks you will I will scrunch the sock because your outfit right now you wouldn't technically look at you I know now i'm like i don't i don't know what to do i like can i get like did i sit

like i don't know what to do okay you look it's getting hot in here i'm so sorry i'm just adjusting

i started this fucking podcast saying to you i was breezing and now it's fucking hot can someone

turn on the air okay let's talk about obviously you mentioned your family went through a hard

time you lost your dad and so that kind of like thanks for bringing that I'm your father sweetie yes dad R.I.P. we love you Kyle yeah we love you Kyle um you moved in with your mom yes and you moved in with Jeff with your mom and at this point you weren't married right you're engaged so okay backtrack when was living in LA.
I picked up my shit. I moved home.
Okay. And then I moved at some point up to New York.
But then when the pandemic hit, Jeff and I moved from New York back to Atlanta. And I'm living in my childhood home.
So Jeff and I are, and we haven't moved out. Like, we are still three's company.
Why? Great question. Because I talked to my financial advisor the other day and he's like, Heather, you're living pretty cheaply.
You could, you could move on. I don't know why I think, um, I mean, listen, I adore my mom.
She's my buddy. I constantly think like the thought of her sitting at home alone on a Friday night hits me in a deep way that like, it just gives me chills down my spine.
I don't know. It's not um my husband loves it because he gets treated like a king you know I'm the one who can I'm the one who gets yelled at we I was gonna say walk me through this so it's you your husband your mom uh-huh and it's like a normal day are you guys able to like slightly like what's the room setup like where is where like um so you would think that I'd be in like the primary bedroom i am not we just blew out a couple closets so we built like another primary my mom is still in the main bedroom oh yeah i'm in my childhood bedroom that we like blew out two closets to expand and you know it's funny somebody asked me the other day they're like what's the wildest like place you've ever had sex i'm like where i currently have sex in my home with my mom down the hall sometimes will chime in and be like, Jeff, I can tell from that sound she doesn't like it.
No, no, no. Had you ever had sex in your childhood room or like even gotten fingered or felt up or you weren't allowed to go in there? Oh, no.
I was allowed to have boys in there. But I also, you know, I don't think a lot of guys called.
No, I'm cute. Come on.
No, it is funny being back in my childhood home but you know my husband my mom adores him and he just gets treated like a king where it is funny being back at my house because my mom even though like I'm running the roost and like make money and pay for everything she'll throw shit in a basket okay I don't know if your parents did this growing up like my mom I'll walk in the door from being on tour Heather you got 14 things you need to carry it's all in your basket I opened all your mail your taxes are due tomorrow you know you've got some money in your bank account I'm like quit going through my shit it doesn't matter that I'm an adult she still treats me like I'm 13 years old I kind of love it though yeah it's kind of cozy it is so cozy I mean it's insane but my mom is you know my mom and dad were each other's truly loves of their life and my mom was 11 years older than my late dad original cougar oh yeah so my mom it's been wild trying to watch her date now and she's been bamboozled on like these dating apps multiple times it's like she thinks she's talking to an architect from New York he's you know somewhere uh in another country and he's trying to steal all her social security number. So really, I have to live with my mom because it's Fort Knox.
She's just trying to get, you know, a little dick on the side and I'm not going to have an inheritance because some guy on the other side of the world is stealing all of the funds. Oh my God.
Yeah, it's bad. Oh my fucking God.
And my mom's great. And she's kind of at this at this point she's 76 doesn't look a day over 40 my mom's hot perky titties like tiny she's spunky she travels and i keep trying to you know i ask my audience all the time i'm like anybody got a rich uncle or a great dad who my mom doesn't want to get married again she just wants to travel she wants to feel something with a guy something yeah and she's I'm not dead yet.
I'd still like to be intimate. I said, you get up on that horse and ride, girl.
That's so incredible. And I actually agree.
The thought of a parent being alone as they're getting older makes me want to start crying. So I think you're a lovely human being for do that.
But are you guys caring at all? So you're not caring when you're having sex that your mom's going to hear you. No, but I do.
I have much better sex when I'm on the road and I'm in a Four Seasons. And we kind of feel bad.
Like, the parents got away. And it is funny.
We do call my mom the toddler because when we, like, go to dinner with her, she sits in the back seat. And she watches her iPad.
And she's giggling to her YouTubes. And Jeff gets along with her.
Jeff gets along with her. I mean, listen, he is so patient.
But Jeff is, my mom's from up north and my husband's from up north, so they kind of like have their own banter. And I'm just sitting on the porch drinking an iced tea going, I do declare.
Why are y'all yelling in this house? I'm obsessed with it. I also just think like the fact is as a comedian, like it's a really good dynamic.
It works. It's working.
It's working. That's, I'm like, I'm not about it.
Now, I would like a little bit more money because if I could expand if we could upgrade we need I would like a big chateau with like a guest house so I I at least get to be in my own four walls without Robin yep barking down my throat um but you know we're putting that on the vision board something something that you talk about in your stand-up special that had me cackling well two things we have to talk about two things one is blowjobs because love them and hate them sweetie sweetie sweetie the way that you described heading downtown to the wiener yeah and seeing the wiener hole and approaching it there is a goofy asshole down there it is yeah the wiener hole but The wiener hole. Approaching it.
There is a goofy ass hole down there. It is.
Yeah. The wiener hole.
But it works if you like swirl your tongue in there a little. Oh yeah.
Oh yeah. Oh it's a little.
If you don't get in that little hole then they're not getting in yours. And we all know this.
Give them a little surprise a time. But I never try and go for the other hole.
You know what I mean? I'm like that is. You do you.
You know when you're married at least. You know when your spouse has diarrhea.
It's every 30 minutes, just like your sweet dog. So it's like when people are like, oh, you know, they eat and butt.
I'm like, no, Jeff had, you know, jalapeno poppers at TGI Fridays on a golf outing, and he's been bitching about it all day. No, I don't want to lick his butthole.
I'm so sorry. No, it's fucked when you do.
Like, I have never, like, been opposed. And I know that's, like, bad of me to say.
But, like, I'm in the blowjob. And it's the accessory to a blowjob moment.
Yeah. But you know in between that little gooch.
I mean, I'll tickle the gooch. I'm in the gooch.
I'm hitting the taint. I slap it around a little bit.
I take the dick and just hit me on both sides like I'm doing a little you know uh get ready with me i mean i'm doing the layers of blush patrick tom the whole works but i'll tell you right now i'm not getting i'm not going for the back what i love about unless he is rinsed out in the yard no that's what's crazy is if like i've had guys before be like go down there go down there and i'm just like rubbing it because i'm like I can smell it through the tunnel it's the wall it's wafting towards my nostrils and I'm uninterested yeah in the fecal matter I got a long nail you just tickle you take the skin you roll it around a little bit because it's also not lost on me if I go down there and then I go to the wiener and then he puts it in your shit is in my fucking v and I'm heading to the hospital thank you that's happened before to me that and you know what we're trying not to do have a repeat yeah okay so yeah we get back to what i what i do appreciate you doing and i could feel the energy in the stadium when you were saying this oh stadium oh it was a theater but yes i am also playing stadium she's in a stadium it was a stadium it was a fucking. Is you talking to men and just being like, you say it better, but like not really thinking about the dick while you're on the dick.
The last thing I have ever thought about while I have a dick in my mouth is that dick in my mouth. I am thinking about the drama that is going on in the next door app.
I am thinking about, you know, the rogue raccoon I possibly may have run over in the Audi Q5 hybrid. Wait, are you deep in the Nextdoor app? It's insane.
Do I need to get on that? No, don't. You don't have time.
I mean, you're like, I'm running an empire, but you're running like a shempire, okay? No, I love it. I'm in a group chat with all the ladies of my neighborhood.
And when I tell you, it is so fun. We had a car burglary like two weeks ago.
If you give a pack of women, and I do say pack of women because we are like wild wolves. If you give a pack of women in a suburban community two clues, they have already found the perpetrator.
They found who is linked to. We have taken down a full cartel.
So I just want to say, fuck the FBI. A couple white suburban women and we are off to the races not karens we are more sharons you know i am like not kidding you i've heard people talk about this and i think i even if i'm just on the periphery and want to read about like read in on my community i'd kind of like to get in there because i like dumb shit drama that kind of has nothing to do with me unless i guess they're saying that there's like a murderer in our neighborhood.
It's so refreshing. If you're like, I can be on the periphery and just kind of like chime in every now and then, fantastic.
But yes, if there's a murderer in my bushes, please let me know. Have you ever had a stalker? You know what? No, but not yet, bitch.
Challenge accepted. No.
I've had one person that has lightly kicked it up a notch. Oh, kicked it up a notch.
That's a way to put it. It could be equivalent to like getting a little stalkery.
But I've done a pretty good job at really like putting things to an end when it gets a little out of control. But someone's kicked it up a notch recently and Matt's handling it.
I like that. Jeff, my husband runs his own meet and greets at my shows by the bar.
So bar so you know because i have a ton of gals that come to the shows and he's in the corner just being like oh did you want to get a photo and i'm like jeff she's fucking nuts i told you about her stop that's carol ann run away yeah he loves it do you have a stalker um no but i did have a woman break into my backstage once oh yeah but it was my fault because i had given the security guards a couple chick-fil-a party platters so they were just raw dog and some nuggets meanwhile I'm back there completely out in the nude because I like to like really dress up for my shows so I come out and I sweat like a beast on stage and then I rip off my suit so I was had just taken off my glitter suit and I'm about to put on my jeans and a woman's in the doorway and she's like I found you you know so one thing you say to somebody you don't say to somebody I found you and then she followed with don't worry I'm not gonna touch you no I was like that's worse I'd rather you just fucking grab my cooter and let's call it a day you know what I mean let's get to the point so what do you want so what did you do did you scream can I was like, can I just put on some clothes? And I put on my clothes.

I was like,

what's up girl?

And she's like,

man,

I just told,

I said,

how'd you get back here?

She said, I just told the security guard,

you know,

like my name's Lane.

I was like,

what?

No,

no.

Yeah.

That's what's so funny about those moments.

It's like when they tell the security guards,

like,

oh,

we're friends,

we're from this.

Sometimes they're like,

oh,

go in.

Go in.

I'm not worried about a mail stalker.

I think I'd like a little bit of a boost to the ego.

But I have always said that I will probably

be murdered one day in a TJ Maxx

by a white gal

named like Michelle.

Or Tanya. That's gonna happen.

That's who's taking you down. I think that's who's

taking you down. You didn't read my DM.
I'm like, I'm so sorry

I didn't see it. I didn't know.
I didn't know.

I think a light stalker is always

good because it keeps you like, oh, we're doing something right. We're kind of a big deal.
We're actually like doing things. We're really big deal.
Yeah. Back to the blowjob.
Yes, absolutely. Great transition.
I actually think I'm done with the blowjob. Yeah.
The point is, is ladies, you don't have to feel bad. And in your special breadwinner, you really, really touch on the important fact of like no one is thinking about giving head when they're giving head and it's okay if you're multitasking and that's fine and what did what was the other thing you fucking said that was so funny oh oh my god that you believe that all men are slightly on the spectrum and all women have adhd it's so true i think so here's the thing men are really good at getting dialed into one thing my husband is incredibly successful but he's successful at one thing at a time.
Meanwhile, I will be on stage delivering jokes. I already have my Uber Eats order in my head, and I'm like, oh, fuck, I've got to call my attorney on Monday about the thing with the thing, and I'm multitasking all the time.
I mean, there are some days where I feel like ADHD can cripple you, but I've realized it's actually, I feel like, all women's superpowers.

Yeah, it gets shit done.

We get shit done.

But yes, I do not think about anything sexual while I'm blowing my husband.

And I tell women the best thing.

When people come to my show, you know, they used to be like, oh, I drug my husband.

And then the husbands have the best fucking time.

It shows for everybody.

But my job is, I like to, I know it's so fucking annoying.

I love it.

I drug my husband here.

I'm like, you didn't have to put a gun to his head.

First she said,

Thank you. best fucking time it shows for everybody but my job is i like to i know it's so fucking annoying i drug my husband here i'm like that you didn't have to put a gun to his head i thought you at first you said i blow them backstage if you come to my show i will put your dick in my mouth i thought you were saying the people were saying they drugged their husband sorry i probably said that with little country twang like they drugged them husbands to my show.

I'm like,

all these men are fucked up.

So what they did

is the husbands

were out working

in the yard

and then the women

gave them a little

little date,

you know,

a little pill

in a Coors Light

and next thing you know

they're at a Heather McMahon show.

Could you imagine?

No, I...

If all of a sudden

you just came to

and you're like

in a room

and there's a glitter,

you know,

a full-figured blonde woman

in a glitter suit

just being like,

this is what happens

I'm not fucking kidding you multiple comments would have been damn like that why didn't you talk about how like she drugs her no no i'm so sorry i meant i when you drag, like you force them to come. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then the guys are like,

fuck, I never saw it that way.

And they have a great time.

But yes,

I don't think guys realize

we're always,

the mind's always swirling.

We're always on the move.

We're always on the move.

We need to talk about

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So thank you, T-Mobile. Check out the VIP treatment at T-Mobile.com slash benefits we need to talk about the hall pass situation okay great yes I'm not I I'm not trying to give away too much of your special because everyone needs to go watch it and there's so much good fucking shit but this hall pass situation you almost can't help but be like did this actually fucking happen yes this is insane heather this is insane walk us through also legally i don't know what i don't know what i'm allowed to say but no i my my husband's hall pass is the incredible gorgeous model kate upton love and we were down in the turks of caicos and she'd like dm'd because we had mutual friends hey saw you here.
Like, would you like to come over for like a cocktail? What a nice DM. What a nice DM.
And I hadn't gotten my husband a Christmas gift. And I leaned over and I was just like, hey, let's go to a, you know, let's go have some cocktails.
I told him that my sorority sister was down there. It's so good.
And so I get him there. I drag him over to this cocktail hour.
The door answers and it's Kate's husband, Justin Berlander. jeff immediately because you know my husband's the biggest sports fanatic i he had a full boner full boner standing on the welcome mat of this like you know how's my job holy fuck and i just kind of turned around i remember i'll have it in slow motion i just kind of gave him that like like fuck you jeff look and do you think he knew kate was in there at that point Or did he just think this is a random coincidence? No, he immediately, like he immediately, as soon as he locked eyes with Justin, he was like, let's fucking go.
You're kind of like a brave woman to bring your husband into the same room as his hall pass. Well, also, Justin Verlander is an incredible athlete, makes a billion dollars and is like a model himself.
So I wasn't worried about it. If Jeff ever made anything weird, anything weird this guy is you know an all-star athlete I feel like he could have body checked Jeff no you're right and by the end of the time you're probably like if he's gonna go with her I at least could go with this and it's not a bad option you know what I told Jeff later on he was like I can't believe you made that happen I said well of course and we never told Kate she didn't know until I sent her the clip from the special.
I was going to say, did you run it by her? No, well, I was just like, hey, I just want you to know, like, and Kate is the coolest chick in the world. I want you to know she was so great.
And, and of course I did not tell her at that dinner. Like we're sitting at this table with all their friends and, and I'm kicking Jeff.
I'm like, Jeff, you've been staring too long. Like he's in the corner, just kind of frothing at the mouth.
And one of their friends had mentioned, they're like, yeah, it's so weird. You know, like Kate is just the coolest chick.
She's so awesome. But like guys get really weird around her.
And I was like, yeah, smile, eat a shrimp cocktail. Getting weird.
But no, they were awesome. But I do think that I have really, you know, exposed Jeff to these cool opportunities.
He's gotten to meet all the sports heroes. what have I gotten? Let me tell you.
All I wanted all I wanted were two tickets. I wanted an Aeros tour ticket and I wanted a Beyonce ticket.
Did you go? I went on because I made it happen. Duh.
We were in actually this is a great story. We were in I was in Australia.
Okay. And I was doing my tour in Australia in February.
Well Taylor Swift just happened to be there at the same time. Love.
You can't get tickets resale in Australia because they don't have like a stub hub. It's like illegal.
Okay. But I was like, Jeff, figure it out.
Call my agent. Figure it out.
Surprise me. I want to go.
It's my last night in Sydney. I've been in Australia for a month, Tori.
Okay. Jeff's like, I have a surprise for you tonight.
I'm like, this is it. He got tickets.
I'm going to the Ares tour. I've got got the friendship bracelets ready.
Let's go. And next, you know, our hotel was right around the corner from the Sydney Harbor Bridge.
So it's five o'clock. I'm like getting ready.
He's like, no, no, no, just go dress casual. I'm like, oh, he's got a surprise.
He probably has like an outfit for me. Like this guy thought of everything.
He made me climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge instead of letting me go to the heiress tour. Now, mind you, I have a fear of outdoor heights.
If I'm on a tall balcony, I'm always like, not that I would ever want to harm myself. I don't have intrusive thoughts, but I'm always kind of like, what would happen if I just left? Right.
You know? It's just a little bit like, what if? What if? Right. You can't help.
So I am on the top of the bridge in this like full windsuit, windbreaker onesie, gripping the side. And they put me at the back of the group.
I can't even talk because I'm having like flashbacks of how dramatic that was. They put me in the back of the group.
I'm clinging onto the side of the bridge and the guy comes up. He's like, are you good? And I was like, I was supposed to be at the heiress tour and I'm freezing on top of this bridge.
And we got off bridge we take a photo the photo that we have on top of the bridge is the funniest shit they're like smile and i'm like doing a peace sign like just like i hate my husband oh i had stroked out at that point i was completely like there was no mind body connection i cried when we got off the bridge and i'm not a i'm i'm a tough cookie yep and jeff went to give me a hug he's like wasn't that the best and i was like i don't know this is gonna work out like get away from me you piece of fucking yeah shit men that can be so fucking dumb like so dumb like you knew i wanted this and because we're not going like figure out something that we could at least and also surprise me and also probably let you know beforehand the surprise ain't gonna be taylor but i got something else for you to make it as big like as great as i could and to make up for it his defense was it was our last night in sydney of course we'd never get to do this again and the best part was when you go to do the climb on the sydney bridge they have all these celebrities that are up and they play the photos while you're doing the safety briefing they play the photos of all the celebrities there's a couple like d-list celebrities and i was like they didn't even ask to take my photo at the end of this so not only did i ship myself on top of this bridge they don't even have a record of it for when other people go to climb the sydney bridge they don't know that the one comedian of all time, Heather McMahon was on the bridge. Heather.
Yeah. Against my will, but it was a great memory.
So have you ever gone and seen the Arrows tour? I did. I saw it a couple of weeks ago in London.
And let me tell you what, it was awesome. I, I'm a, you know, I'm a theater nerd.
I, I want to see the production and it was just fucking awesome. Good for Taylor.
It is so incredible. Like I went once and I'm going to go again.
And I am, I just fucking love her. I love her too.
And I didn't really, I think I kind of missed literally the era of Taylor, like for the breakup moments growing up. I was just like two years older than that.
Okay. So while the girlies were crying to, you know.
Me. Yeah.
When the girlies were crying to all these songs i was in my dorm room listening to three six mafia that was what you know i was doing drive-bys in the jetta past the ato house just being like nook if you book nook if you book you know like that's and i was like it's a love story baby just say yes yeah yeah That was not, I was in revenge mode mode that's why reputation is my favorite album oh it is that's why we're snakeskin you know yeah i'm a reputation girlie i'm literally like a folklore girlie really but that's great i mean i have a softer side but i i love that when she's in the full snake skin and the one leg's out oh i love it when are you going on your on your cruise? That's in April. I'm doing a cruise.
And again, you know, I talked about possibly getting murdered in a TJ Maxx. It also might happen on the Lido day.
I was going to say, I don't know if you're coming back, but you'll have a good time. I will.
And I may not come back because I'll get arrested in the Bahamas. I don't know what's going to happen, but we are doing a cruise and it's like 2000 fans on the cruise and it's other comedians comedians and it's just gonna be four days at sea of us just letting it rip.
And so will you just like roam around in a in a muumuu? Yes absolutely with a pina colada and a rum runner in my other hand absolutely. And are you gonna just like next to you could like staying next you could be like one of your fans and like you could be knocking on the wall and they like oh you're just like one with the people I'm one with the people but also you know when you do comedy too like I I have meet and greets after my shows and I I know everybody like you know I I'm one with the people um I mean you did have to you know the cruise isn't a super cheap thing to do so I'm hoping that people are making a financial investment or also like maybe a little touch less crazy but actually the richest ones you know are the ones that are crazy.
They'll bring you the gifts to the show

and it's like,

you're like,

I bought you a Birkin bag

and I put an air tag in it

so I know where you are at all times.

You're like,

I don't,

the Birkin bag for me

is a little too cumbersome.

Okay.

I think it's a bad investment.

I said it.

I'm going to get absolutely burned

at the stakes for saying that.

I agree.

It's heavy.

It's just big.

It's also like,

it's clunky.

It's not that cute.

Not that cute.

And you can't,

like you can't put it over your shoulders.

So if you're trying to look thin in a photo, you know what I mean? You're like, it's like, it just squeezes the arm. It's not a good look.
It's cumbersome. It's cumbersome.
But yeah, we're doing a cruise. It's going to be insane.
Comedy at night. My mom's going to be there.
My husband's going to be running poker tournaments in the casino. Taking pictures with the with the fans yeah my sister's a criminal defense attorney so i'm keeping her on land because i might have to you know we don't know what's gonna happen she's gonna be at the port in miami as people are getting off the boat or not getting off the boat so she's gonna get a couple new clients i am obsessed will you be posting on your social media about it when you're there we're gonna we really should make a full documentary about it what yeah it festival what yeah it's firefetch and it turns like super dark and then at the end it's just all of us with like the norovirus just like and that was a day that the ship never came back i would know it will never happen but i honestly but then i'd have it like an in memoriam at the emmys and i have you know i haven't been nominated yet but at least i'd be there at least I'd be there glass half full baby I am so excited for you okay can we talk about the special now wrapping up yeah I mean we've been talking about the special the whole time but I do want to know like I was talking to Hannah Berner about this the other my girl I just am so it's so incredible to watch yeah people that truly deserve it and are actually so fucking funny like get what they deserve and I'm I'm so happy for you.
How did this even come to be? Well, so I produced my own special and I did the first one, I did the same thing. So I didn't, in this business, you cannot wait around for people.
I mean, listen, you're a self-starter. You just, if you build it, they will come.
So I just shot it. I shot at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, which is like my home theater.
I mean, talk about like a real full circle moment for me. And then you take it out to market and you sell it.
So it is so cool. The one thing I really love about stand-up is nobody can tell me no.
In this business, you get in TV developmental deals. They take forever.
You've got to get 1,000 attorneys involved, all this shit. But through stand-up, I can just pop into a place, get on stage, say my piece, do the damn thing.
And as long as there are asses and seats, listen, there could be one person in the fucking audience. I'm like, we're going to have a good time.
But like that is, it is the greatest love of my life other than my family is getting to do stand-up. And it just brings me so much joy.'s so incredible it's gonna be on hulu right yeah and what is the exact date it comes out that's a great question um i don't know but we will post on instagram it's coming out very soon i know it's going to be insane i was gonna say the date i'm gonna can i just tell you right? I do think it should win a Peabody.

I should at least get nominated

for the Emmys.

Talk to the people again.

Hi, my name's Heather McMahon.

My comedy special breadwinner

is coming out on Hulu.

And when I tell you

I'm a bad bitch,

I'm wearing a denim outfit

that's bedazzled.

And it is probably going to be

one of the greatest pieces

of art and comedy ever seen.

It should be nominated for awards

or at least give me a Mark Twain comedy award. Thank you so much.
God bless. Live, laugh, love.
Tune in on Bleep. It's very soon.
I'll fucking put it in the description. I've never been great with details.
Okay. Yeah.
I'm so excited for you. Oh my God, that was like a, we're like, Bleep, hello.
Okay, we're back. Wrapping up.
We're like, we need to shut the fuck up and go film some content. This has been really fun.
Has it? Can I tell you, I really enjoy you. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass.
This has been fun. I'm so proud of you.
I know we just met, but it is so fucking cool to see fucking bitches doing it. I know.
Thank you. Just doing it, period.
And you should be so proud of yourself. Thank you.
I feel the same way about you. That's why it's so fun to do what we do because I feel like we get to see each other on social media

and it's always funny to be like,

what is this bitch going to be like?

I'm sure you thought that when you were coming here.

What is Alex Hoover going to be like?

And I am so happy you're so fucking normal

and you're humble and you're amazing

and your tits are fucking amazing.

Thank you.

I really appreciate it

and I just want you all to know,

be the you today that you want to be tomorrow.

Heather, I love you.

Thank you for coming on Call of Duty.

I love you.

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